Recently, STS reviewed John Dowgin’s desert thriller, Mile 42 (Script available here.) As readers of Shootin’ the Shorts are aware, our goal at STS is to find new and promising writers, and provide them with the platform they need to get their work seen (then hopefully optioned, and produced!)

One of our not-so-secret weapons in this quest is Danny Manus of No BullScript Consulting. Having worked as a development executive in Hollywood, Danny is an in-demand script consultant, named by Creative Screenwriting Magazine at one of the “Top 15” consultants in their “Cream of the Crop” list.   Partnered with STS, Danny provides wonderfully detailed and helpful notes for the monthly STS feature script.  This coverage is provided free to the writer, and can be posted our site or kept confidential – at the writer’s discretion. But wait – there’s more!  Any script that gets a coveted “recommend” from tough but eminently fair Danny will be featured in his monthly newsletter and may also receive further exposure to his production contacts…

Below, please find Danny’s notes/coverage for Mile 42. Read, learn, comment…. and don’t forget to submit your best work for possible review!

**To submit a script, please visit STS at the page listed HERE. Danny can also be contacted directly via the No BullScript Consulting website at http://www.nobullscript.net/contact/. Or on Twitter @DannyManus.

About the writer of Mile 42: John P. Dowgin is a playwright, screenwriter, director and actor, as well as a founding member of the production company The Porch Room (porchroom.com) for whom he directed the original work ‘Antony & Cleopatra: Infinite Lives” at the 2013 New York International Fringe Festival. Two of John’s plays have been published in the compilation “Accidents Happen” by Samuel French, and have been performed in New York, Los Angeles, Indianapolis, Toronto, Dublin, and Australia. A number of his screenplays are also in ‘development’, which he suspects to be a theoretical dimension like Oz. He lives in New Jersey with his wife and son.

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NO BULLSCRIPT ANALYSIS

Title:  Mile 42

Type of Material: Screenplay

Author:  John P. Dowgin

Number of Pages: 96

Circa: Present

Location: Arizona Desert/Border

Genre: Thriller

Coverage Date:  6/20/15

Budget Range:  Low

LOGLINE: When an extreme distance runner encounters a human trafficking ring during a desert ultramarathon, he must battle a corrupt group of Border Patrol Agents and his own mental and physical exhaustion to save innocent lives – and himself.

COMMENTS: John, thank you for submitting your script “Mile 42” to Simply Scripts. In the subsequent pages, I will go through the things that work well and what still needs to be worked on, developed, or changed to make this a more viable and commercial script and series.

Overall, I think this is a very well-written, easy to read script with some strong action scenes, memorable dialogue, and a likeable protagonist in Victor. The Latino market is growing considerably and there are a number of Latino actors that are becoming more bankable and if you can bridge the demographic gap through a commercial action/thriller concept, it could do well. It certainly feels like it’s something that could sell to an international audience if cast right.

I think the story is pretty straight forward for the most part, and while there is an ever-expanding conspiracy, we basically know who is involved and who isn’t pretty quickly and we know exactly what they’re doing other than the whole Russian angle. I do think that there could be more inklings of this larger mystery or operation so that the Russian coming in at the climax answers some questions instead of just feeling like another guy in the mix. And while I do think the backdrop of this race is very interesting, I don’t think it’s a race anyone has really heard of and so a bit more set up could help especially since we only see 2 other people running this race.

Structurally, the script is very strong. The opening scene is visual and tense, though I didn’t know why there would be a bridge in the middle of the desert. You have a solid inciting incident that pulls us into the story, a great exciting midpoint, and some really strong individual scenes and turning points with a number of deaths that get quite extreme and gory, starting with Jeter and his severed arm. The subject matter of the story is dark, but it’s really only in the kills (and Victor’s feet) that the tone gets gruesome and graphic. Decapitations, venom poisoning, gangrene, shootings, etc. It gets pretty hardcore for a thriller that doesn’t seem quite as hardcore as the murders within it. But it makes it visual and shocking and it works.

You hit all the right beats at the right moments, and your midpoint definitely stands out as you cut back and forth between the action with Victor as well as Borden and Carlos until they come together. The red ants were unexpected and it feels like a strong mini-climax that gives the story a nice boost and puts our characters back together. The only issue I have with the scene is I kept wondering where Somes is, as he seems to disappear.

The Shadow Wolves find the same group of immigrants that McCaffrey and Otilio are looking for, but how did they know the rest of the immigrants were hiding there? It’s not totally clear where THERE is in this scene other than in the desert. When the Shadow Wolves drop off the immigrants at mile marker 30 for catch and release, do they do anything or literally just drop them off? It’s not really clear since minutes later it seems, Somes, McCaffrey and Otilio find them there and tie them up again.

I think Victor’s mental state could become even more tenuous. The delusions he has and seeing Timson is great, and it puts us in Victor’s head, but we could get a bit more of that and see his downward spiral mentally as he’s trying to survive. It isn’t clear at first on page 71 if the bombs dropping on this mocked up town are real or if that is all in his head. We realize it in the next scene when Somes and McCaffrey are discussing it, but this bombing feels out of nowhere.

With the bombing, I’m not sure how Victor lived, but more than that, I don’t know who dropped the bomb or from where or how they knew to drop the bomb there. It feels like there’s a much bigger story going on here once the bombing occurs – perhaps with the Russians – than just some corrupt agents and minutemen or an immigrant trafficking scandal. But who is calling the Russians to drop the bomb (if it was them)?

One important scene that seems to be missing is when McCaffrey apparently shoots Carlos. We don’t get to see this – we only see him drag Carlos’s body to the SUV having already been shot. Yes, in the previous scene he seems to line up his shot, but it still feels like there’s a moment missing in between. The shot itself, Toraidio’s reaction, how they got down there and found them and tied him up, etc. If Carlos is shot, it’s a moment that could create a moment for Toraidio of if he runs or stays with his dad. Carlos still moving is a great moment, and his subsequent death is emotional and a strong scene.

The way Somes kills McCaffrey with the rattlesnake is definitely original and awful (in a cool way), but how did Somes grab the snake and put it down his shirt to begin with?

Victor is a likable and castable hero and it’s nice that he wants to save the immigrants he comes across, but I’d love to get a bit more about him to know why. We get backstory on him and why he’s doing these races, but is there anything in his personal history or family that makes him connect with Carlos and his son?

Victor’s backstory of being in the army and killing that young boy because he didn’t have a choice is certainly powerful and gives us some insight as to his deeper need and want and the redemption (or perhaps punishment) he’s seeking by doing all these crazy sports and races. And his dialogue in this scene is quite moving as well. But his list of extreme sports and activities/events he’s done is insane. What kind of person could do ALL that?

He’s virtuous and wants to do the right thing, but almost to a fault. I’m not sure why he confesses to the killing of Jeter, especially since he’s trying to run this race. Does he really think he can confess to murder and then just keep on running without having to go talk to cops or fill out reports, be interviewed, etc.? I don’t quite get this. And Somes’ response of “you’ll have to fill out a report” seems pretty flippant considering he just confesses to killing a Minuteman. Is that all you have to do when you kill someone? Fill out a report? This was an odd moment and reaction.

Perhaps one of the more surprising moments is when Victor gives Carlos and Toraidio over to the authorities even though it will save Toraidio’s life and he does it for good reasons. But his relationship with Toraidio becomes quite sweet and is a driving force in the story and in Victor’s motivations. And I think in the end, the fact he and Cynthia have seemingly adopted him is a great end.

Cynthia is a likable character, but I had no idea they were together until later in the script. She seems like a friend and a caring volunteer, but I didn’t feel any true LOVE between them in their first few scenes together. She blows him a kiss on page 19, but it felt more flirtatious than loving or like they were in a relationship already. There’s the “ove yo” message on pg 24 and that’s where I realized they might be in a relationship, but I think this could be a bit clearer, sooner.

You have created this quite large conspiracy and it’s interesting to watch it crumble not only from the outside, but also from the conflict that erupts from within the group and that it’s all over simple greed instead of the principle of the horrible things they’re doing. None of them really take issue with that.

Cutter makes for a solid secondary hero, though he’s mostly a desk jockey throughout the story until the climax. You do set up a suspicion around him so we’re not TOTALLY sure if he’s a good guy or not until the second half of the script, which is great. But if there’s one thing that could be set up a bit stronger, it’s Cutter’s relationship with Somes. Because while they seem like partners and they’re friendly, they are really only together in the very beginning of the script. I think their friendship could be seen a bit more, at least in the first act, so that when Cutter has to bust him in the end (and shoot him dead) he’s at least torn about it and the moment resonates not just as the good guy killing the bad guy, but a good man who had to kill his friend.

The Shadow Wolves sound like they could be a movie unto themselves (it’s a great title anyway), and could have their own agendas and motivations, storylines and rivalries, but right now they don’t bring anything DIFFERENT to the table than regular federal agents or border patrols. Even their names are pretty white-angle sounding. The fact they are Native American and working on the reservations is an original hook, but I’m not sure it actually pays off or makes a real difference in the plot. I’m also not totally sure you need THREE of them in a story where there are a large number of characters already, but it’s fine. I just think Terrence, Tom and Chris (and their personalities) get a bit lost in the story when really they should stand out more than anyone.

The climax is exciting and action-packed without it being huge budget and it really creates nice tension and builds well as everyone converges. Cutter finally takes a more active role while Victor still gets enough revenge on Somes and saves Toraidio. It’s a really tight and nicely written climax that tracks a large number of moving pieces, and that’s not easy to do in a visual and clear way.

Turning to the dialogue, I think this is where the script stands out nicely. There’s some very strong dialogue throughout and a nice voice. Some of the banter and the way you get across your themes in subtle ways in most scenes is quite strong. This type of story could have gotten very preachy or message-heavy, and it’s not. The “limits are there to be tested/limits are there to limit” conversation stood out, as well as a few other lines listed below. You even have a few nice moments of levity in a story that’s awfully dark and serious. You walked a really fine line very well, and it was an enjoyable read.

“Your feet only get you into the desert. Your mind gets you out.” Another great line.

A small note, but after 22 miles, how has Victor only burned 800 calories? Feels like it should be way more than that.

I do have a few additional page/line notes:

Pg 35 – Victor’s reply “Fuck would you know” is pretty rude in the moment. Not sure why he’s so harsh.

Pg 45 – You can cut the scene heading EXT. COTINUOUS and just say MINUTES LATER.

Pg 47 – Typo – THAT’S=THAT’D

            “You’re just a citizen” is a weak line that caps off a really impressive and powerful 2 pgs of dialogue. It doesn’t quite feel like what Somes would say. Plus, while there is a nice callback to this line on page 92, Victor was out cold when Somes said it.

Pg 51 – I keep wondering where is Somes?

Pg 65 – I don’t know what the phrases “who cut sign on foot” and “cut so much sign” means. I’m not sure if it’s a typo or just a saying I’m not aware of but I didn’t get the context.

Pg 75 – “You could’ve lived a hero. Now you’ll die an alibi.” – That’s a great line.

Pg 79 – The line “He just wanted to pick cantaloupe” almost comes off as funny in this moment even though I know it’s not meant to. But it’s kind of a comical line.

Pg 81 – Good angle Victor brings to his dialogue here to Cynthia.

Overall, I think the concept and the action is commercial and exciting, and at is budget level I think this could be a successful project if cast correctly. It tackles an issue without becoming an issue movie, it could bridge the gap between Latino demographics and mainstream thrillers, and it’s an enjoyable and easy read. The story is a bit straightforward, but the structure is strong, it keeps moving nicely and tosses in some gory, gruesome deaths for flavor. I do think there’s a bit more you could do with the Shadow Wolves or with the larger operation involving the Russians, and I think Cutter could seem a bit move active and connected to Somes. But generally, the story is strong. There’s some great dialogue moments throughout, and a nice voice that knows how to write visual action, economically. And knows what level of levity is appropriate at what times. There are many companies out there looking for a good $1-$2M thriller and many companies looking to cater to the Latino demographic, and I think this could easily be optioned if it’s not already. So stick with it! Keep writing! And best of luck! Thanks again John for submitting your script “Mile 42” to Simply Scripts, and congratulations on being the featured script of the month!

NO BULLSCRIPT 20 POINT GRADING SHEET AND RECOMMENDATION:

PROJECT: RECOMMEND

Earlier this month, STS reviewed Tim Westland and John Robbin’s TV Pilot Loose Screws. (Script available here.) As readers of Shootin’ the Shorts are aware, our goal at STS is to find new and promising writers, and provide them with the platform they need to get their work seen (then hopefully optioned, and produced!)

One of our not-so-secret weapons in this quest is Danny Manus of No BullScript Consulting. Having worked as a development executive in Hollywood, Danny is an in-demand script consultant, named by Creative Screenwriting Magazine at one of the “Top 15” consultants in their “Cream of the Crop” list.   Partnered with STS, Danny provides wonderfully detailed and helpful notes for the monthly STS feature script.  This coverage is provided free to the writer, and can be posted our site or kept confidential – at the writer’s discretion. But wait – there’s more!  Any script that gets a coveted “recommend” from tough but eminently fair Danny will be featured in his monthly newsletter and may also receive further exposure to his production contacts…

Below, please find Danny’s notes/coverage for Loose Screws. Read, learn, comment…. and don’t forget to submit your best work for possible review!

**To submit a script, please visit STS at the page listed HERE. Danny can also be contacted directly via the No BullScript Consulting website at http://www.nobullscript.net/contact/. Or on Twitter @DannyManus.

About the writers of Loose Screws:

Tim Westland – an award winning screenwriter, 2014 Page International Quarter Finalist and co-author of the acclaimed comic book series/graphic novel “Chasing The Dead”.  Tim is currently writing the adaptation of the novel, “Quantum Lens“, by New York Times Best Selling author Douglas E. Richards.

John Robbins – a 2014 Page Quarter Finalist, John resides in San Diego and can be reached at jpjrb1 “AT” gmail, or via website: http://www.johnnyrobbins.com.

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NO BULLSCRIPT ANALYSIS

Title: Loose Screws

Type of Material:  60 Min TV Pilot

Authors: Tim Westland & John Robbins

Number of Pages: 55

Circa: 2012/1999

Location:  NYC

Genre: Drama

Coverage Date: 1/10/14

Budget Range:  Low

LOGLINE: When a successful psychiatrist finds himself losing his grip on reality and hunted by a clandestine group in search of his numerically coded journal, he must turn to an old patient – a girl with a mysterious mathematical talent – that he betrayed years ago.

COMMENTS:  Tim and John, thank you for submitting your TV Pilot “Loose Screws” to Simply Scripts. In the subsequent pages, I will go through the things that work well and what still needs to be worked on, developed, or changed to make this a more viable and commercial script and series.

A great TV series pilot has to do a number of specific things;  it needs to create an interesting world and pull us into that world, it has to set up characters that are not only special, original, have great chemistry and have a specific goal and dilemma, but that we are going to want to follow week after week and care about; it has to set up an overarching plot and theme to the show and to the specific pilot; and it has to set up the conflict and types of conflict that are going to drive the show. Plus, it has to be original and visual and have a strong hook that audiences will be able to understand. And most of all – it has to make it clear what audiences would expect from the series going forward. We have to know that there is somewhere for the series to go that isn’t the same episode week after week so it doesn’t feel like it will get stale quickly.

I think your script does a few of these quite well, but is lacking a bit in others. It certainly feels pretty original and I really like the concept of a psychologist who is himself going crazy. And you definitely raise a ton of questions and mysteries as to what’s really going on and what everyone wants and what this story is really about. But there aren’t too many answers. I’m not totally sure where the story is going – not that we should know everything from the pilot. But I would love to know a bit more about the scope of the story and the world you’re setting up.

The mysteries and questions seem to increase as the pilot progresses. First, it’s what is wrong with William? Then it’s who/what is this clandestine group of “psychologists” who are searching for this journal, then it’s what the code means and why they want it, etc. It’s great to create questions that we will figure out over the course of the series, but we also need at least ONE important answer in the pilot for us to be enticed enough to seek out more answers.

The concept of these numbers seemingly affecting people (at least William and Miriam) in such drastic ways, and the fact that some clandestine group with a dry cleaners torture room is going to great lengths to recover this number-coded journal, sets up that it’s important. But I don’t know anything about the larger over-arching story yet.

We never get to see what William has written on the postcard – we just know it’s some numbers. But are the specific numbers important? They seemed to be a clear code that Miriam was able to decipher and it made something clear to her. So, it feels like WE should see or know the numbers as well even if we don’t know what they mean yet.

Structurally, the script works and you have nice act end points, though the opening seems a bit short for a drama. These days, cold opens seem to be quite long and give us a bit more set up to the show or the episode. I think the cold open could give us a bit more insight, foreshadowing or something a bit more compelling that clues us into the world and what this show is about. And in a pilot especially, the cold open needs to give us more – either more on the overarching series or more about the story contained in the pilot. I’m not sure the WHOLE open needs to be set in the past. Perhaps you could set some of it in the past and then cut to the present so that we know that the story/series actually takes place in 2012 and not 1999, and that it’s not about Miriam and William when they are younger. That might help set up a bit more of the world and story if we saw some of the present day in the cold open.

I will throw another structural suggestion out there that I like even more. What if you actually opened the show in 2012 with the Parkinson scene on pg 5 and had your First Act actually be the Cold Open. And then start the new first act with the flashback in 1999 and introduce Charlie, Miriam and that whole scene then. We will have already heard Miriam’s name in his delusion, so we will make a connection. And this way, we will already have the world set up, it would set up the major series dilemma of William’s mental illness right from the start as well as what’s interesting about William’s character, and I think it would be more interesting to then go back and see a bit of how he got there or who he used to be and a bit more of the hook once we have a better grasp of the show.  Plus, as a viewer, I think the scene of William’s delusion and freak out is a much stronger scene that will grab people and keep them watching. So having it happen in minute 7 instead of minute 15, means viewers stick around.

The Parkinson storyline with his lie about being molested is fun, though I’m not sure if he’s important to the series or just being used as an interesting scene to set up William in the present day and his high-powered clientele. I didn’t quite get his reference about his father on pg 7 – “He was one of a handful of short straws on the 89^th.” I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean.

The concept of a psychologist to the rich and powerful who holds all these important secrets to some of the country’s most powerful people who is slowly losing his own mind is interesting because he becomes a total liability for a great many people who could probably have him killed or would have reason to shut him up. But that doesn’t seem to be the issue here. The issue is that he’s broken some numeric code that means something important to a group of people. But why now? He seemingly discovered or broke this code with Miriam over 10 years ago – so why are people after it now?

What I think is missing in the pilot is some dynamic or relationship that we care about and can really invest in that we can see developing over the course of the series. Look at Bates Motel, Breaking Bad, House of Cards, Touch, Fargo – they were all based around a specific relationship and dynamic and how it changes with each obstacle, goal, action, reaction, etc. And I feel like that is what could make us invest a bit more in the characters and story. Is this show about William and Miriam? William and Kendorski? Is there a core relationship/dynamic that is driving the series?

William is a complex character and seems to fall under the incredibly popular tag of “anti-hero.” It seems a dramatic series can’t succeed these days without one. He is an adulterer, he unethically slept with a much younger patient (though it’s not clear if he waited until after she was legal) and his secretary, and he did something seemingly controversial years ago and is now paying for it with a debilitating mental disease. He has a clear dilemma, he has obstacles, and his visions are very intriguing and compelling, but I am not sure what William’s goal is for the episode or the series. I’m not sure what he actually needs to do in the series.

I think there are some compelling supporting characters, especially Miriam. But it’s not clear how long it has been before page 34 since she has seen William. It’s pretty easy for him to find her and he’s pretty mean to her right off the bat regarding her talent. And she seems pretty paranoid, which made me wonder if she’s been followed all her life or what she is so scared of. And when she and William end up sleeping together again, I’m not sure why he would bring her back to his house when he knows his wife could either be there or come home at any time, not to mention Sean. Feels odd that he would do this.

There are a couple characters I didn’t quite “get,” and I think Kendorski is the biggest one. His personality is a bit all over the place. One second, he’s an esteemed elder-seeming doctor and the next he’s ordering his wife to stop acting like a damn bitch, roll over and take care of daddy. One second he’s William’s best friend for 20 years, and the next he’s throwing him out and threatening him and seemingly cold and uncaring. I don’t know why he seems so heartless on page 32 when he throws William out. I think it makes it too obvious in this scene that he really wants the journals, when there seem to be other options or more subtle ways to get them. He turns on his best friend in an instant for seemingly no reason. I just couldn’t quite wrap my head around who this character is. Cyrus is a fun character and a bit of comic relief like Mike in Breaking Bad, but the scenes with him and Cyrus are so secretive, that I often had no idea what they were talking about.

William’s son Sean is an interesting supporting character. His storyline certainly seems a bit twisted and sexual, in a good way, and I like that he’s in conflict with his parents, but it’s not clear why he seems to hate his father (and mother). There certainly seems to be some depth there more than just teenage angst, but I’m not sure what the dynamic is or why he’s SO viciously angry at them, especially William. The reveal that he enjoyed being whipped by the S&M lady/prostitute is intriguing, and it’s a strong end to the third act, though I’m not sure I get how it’s related to the story. The one thing I’m not sure I believed was that 19 year-old sexpot Monique would be with 16 year-old Sean.

The Homeless Family that William sees in his delusions are handled well in the visions and they are interesting, but when he tells the backstory of his mother giving the money to a homeless family, I wondered if that was the family. And if so, why they would haunt his thoughts so often. I was expecting a bit more connection there.

Turning to the dialogue, I think it’s purposefully and intriguingly vague at times, and there are some really strong lines throughout. However, there could be a couple more moments of clarity for the audience.

One of the biggest dialogue notes I have while reading this is that everyone treats each other with such utter contempt. Everyone is just straight-up mean to everyone else, and I am not sure why. William to Miriam – mean.  Kendorski to William – mean. Miriam to Kendorski – mean. Janet to William – mean. Sean to William – mean. Cyrus to Kendorski – mean. Monique and Sean – mean.  Everyone in the script seems to dislike and distrust everyone else in the script and I’m not sure why, but it doesn’t help when you’re trying to create a dynamic between your characters. Creating anti-heroes is fine, but SOMEONE has to be likeable and like someone else.

There are a few random lines and moments that seem to come out of nowhere and they create a few too many “huh?” moments. For example, on page 21, William says “I doubt any amount of financial aid would help her.” But no one has mentioned anything about financial aid, money, or helping Miriam. And it’s odd that he brings up how his wife’s laugh reminds him of his patient. Is this the first time she’s ever laughed? Why does it remind him of the laugh now? The whole conversation here feels random.

On page 41, Kendorski is arguing with his wife and listening to the dog barking and suddenly says “Wait a minute. What if Bill was MY therapist?” This comes out of nowhere and has no connection to anything being discussed. There needs to be a stronger context or set up here.

A couple additional specific scene/page notes –

Pg 11 – I’m not sure who William is referring to when he says “You sound like them.” Who is them – patients?

Pg 24 – I think you can cut this Convenient Store scene. I’m not sure what its purpose is. Can cut right to Chinatown.

Pg 28 – I’m not sure why they beat Kendorski up when he’s agreed to their demands.

Pg 43 – Would tweak line to “One that I’VE put together over and over…”

Pg 52 – Kendorski sounds even more evil here with “Don’t make me do this.” But I’m not sure to what he’s referring because right after that he just walks out and leaves without a word. It’s a bit of an awkward moment here.

Pg 54 – Kendorski peeing his pants feels like it’s supposed to be funny, but I’m not sure that it is. He’s more enamored about the fact that he did it than he is mad or scared.

I think overall you have an intriguing set up but the concept feels more geared to a limited series, kind of like Twin Peaks or Fargo or Under the Dome, where it’s a more limited 10-episode run that tells a whole story, but there could be more to it if it does well and could be extended. I’m not sure it totally feels like a 22 or even 13-episode series to me because I can’t really picture what the week to week of this show would be, at least not past about 10 episodes or where it could go from the pilot. Being totally honest, I would certainly watch a second episode to see how it develops and get a bit more information, but I’m not all in yet from the pilot.

It has some traces of other series like the Keifer Sutherland show Touch (where a mute kid held the code to the world basically), Bates Motel, and Black Box. Maybe a bit of Boss as well, where the lead suffers from a debilitating disease that affects his cognitive ability, but with a more esoteric and mysterious antagonistic force.

A small but important note – the title Loose Screws I think needs to change as it connotes a pretty comedic story and series, and this is not a comedy at all. Or even a lighthearted dramedy. I think it sets up a context that the story doesn’t support. Also, the title of the episode is “Miriam,” which makes me think she’s just one of the many patients we’re going to meet that play into this story, but this isn’t a patient of the week type story and the only 2 patients who seem to matter are her and Charlie. So, while it’s a very easily fixable and small note, I’m not sure Miriam is really what this pilot episode is about.

Overall, I think you have an intriguing and original concept and there are some cool mysteries and questions you’ve set up. There’s some nice voice in the writing and a solid anti-hero, and I think there is some potential here but I think there are some issues that still need to be addressed. I think it needs to be a little clearer what the story is about, what the scope of the world is, where the series could go week to week, and why we should care about these characters when they don’t even seem to care about each other. Stick with it! Keep writing! And best of luck!  Thanks again Tim and John for submitting your script “Loose Screws” to Simply Scripts, and congratulations on being the featured script of the month and our first TV series.

NO BULLSCRIPT 20 POINT GRADING SHEET AND RECOMMENDATION:

PROJECT: CONSIDER W/RESERVATIONS 

Bump in the Night

A foul mouthed drug addict decides that burglary can get him his next fix, but he picks the wrong house and the wrong couple to mess with.

Our culture has such a schizophrenic view of old people. On one hand, we infantilize them. Awwwww, they’re so cute and polite. Innocent beings brimming with wisdom, and memories of days gone by. Then we discard ‘em like yesterday’s trash. Old folks’ facilities. Left to fend for themselves in broken down homes. Especially after the children move away. They’re vulnerable to falling; breaking that oh-so vulnerable hip. Not to mention violent home invasions by ruthless predators…

Meet Alexander and Agnes, 60s. A sweet couple living out their golden years in a comfy suburban neighborhood. We meet them in bed. They’re cuddled together – fast asleep. At least until they hear a noise.

It’s an intruder. Baz – a strung-out teen junkie in search of a score. Alexander and Agnes slip out of bed, and tiptoe quiet as mice downstairs.

Baz grabs Agnes’ purse, and turns to go. But his path is blocked by Alexander, wielding a baseball bat. He tells the old codger to F* off, but Alexander’s not deterred. For a mortal battle’s about to ensue. An epic fight for the ages.

Low budget and high entertainment, Bump in the Night has loads in its favor. Colorful characters. A wicked sense of humor. Twists. There’s even a moral hidden deep down in here: don’t assume that old people are helpless. They were once young bastards, too….

About the writer: Anthony Cawood is an aspiring screenwriter from the UK with a number of scripts in various stages of production, two of which have just wrapped shooting. His script, A Certain Romance, recently won in the Nashville Film Festival Screenwriting Competition (short script category). You can find out more at http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk.

Pages: 10

Budget: Pretty low. A handful of actors. A bar, and a house. That’s about as easy as it gets!

READ THE SCRIPT HERE – AND DON’T FORGET TO COMMENT!!

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All screenplays are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. The screenplays may not be used without the expressed written permission of the author.

In November, we reviewed Kosta Kondilopoulos’ Lowlife. As readers of Shootin’ the Shorts are aware, our goal at STS is to find new and promising writers, and provide them with the platform they need to get their work seen (then hopefully optioned, and produced!)

One of our not-so-secret weapons in this quest is Danny Manus of No BullScript Consulting. Having worked as a development executive in Hollywood, Danny is an in-demand script consultant, named by Creative Screenwriting Magazine at one of the “Top 15” consultants in their “Cream of the Crop” list.   Partnered with STS, Danny provides wonderfully detailed and helpful notes for the monthly STS feature script.  This coverage is provided free to the writer, and can be posted our site or kept confidential – at the writer’s discretion. But wait – there’s more!  Any script that gets a coveted “recommend” from tough but eminently fair Danny will be featured in his monthly newsletter and may also receive further exposure to his production contacts…

Below, please find Danny’s notes/coverage for Lowlife. Read, learn, comment…. and don’t forget to submit your best work for possible review!

**To submit a script, please visit STS at the page listed HERE. Danny can also be contacted directly via the No BullScript Consulting website at http://www.nobullscript.net/contact/. Or on Twitter @DannyManus.

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NO BULLSCRIPT ANALYSIS

Title:  Lowlife

Type of Material: Screenplay

Author:  Kosta K.

Number of Pages:  94

Submitted To:  Simply Scripts

Circa:  Present

Location:  Any City, USA

Genre: Thriller/Noir

Coverage Date:  12/1/14

Budget Range: Low-Medium

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LOGLINE: Trying to protect his friend, a criminal is forced back into bed with a dirty cop and the Russian Mob after a job gone wrong but this time he may lose everything he has left.

COMMENTS:  Kosta, thank you for submitting your script, “Lowlife” to Simply Scripts. The following notes and comments will go through what works well and what still needs to be worked on or changed in order to make this a more viable and commercial script.

Overall, this is a solid script and story, and a pretty fast and easy read. There are a couple strong action scenes, nice visuals, and you’ve crafted a likeable anti-hero that we root for even though we’re not sure why. The killer with a conscience story has worked many times before, and can certainly work again, but the story and tone needs to feel really original to stand out. And while this is a nice read, I think the biggest issue is the originality and making it truly stand out. Right now, I’m not sure what really makes Lowlife, and Ritchie’s character, seem much different than Ray Donovan on Showtime or films like Jack Reacher or Drive. In fact a couple scenes feel very similar to those films.

The script could use a stronger specific hook to it. I like the noir feel, but I would suggest going even more noir with it and that would make the voice seem even stronger. The writing is strong, but I think it could feel a bit more mysterious and suspenseful – a bit sleeker or sexier – and perhaps the scope of the story could feel a bit bigger. For me, the porn angle seems a bit comedic and it doesn’t seem important enough or dark enough for these mobsters, dirty cops, and killers to all turn on each other. One mobster gets the hotter girls for their videos, so the dirty cop wants him dead? It sounds a bit too petty for stone-cold killers and “business” men. It’s more original than drugs or weapons, but it adds a more comedic slant to the danger instead of a noir or action feel.

The twist or reveal that Pete is a Detective and the dirty cop they’ve been talking about, is unclear. We are never told when we meet him in Trent’s office that he is a cop, and we don’t even know it for sure when he is at Dimitri’s house after Gwen’s murder. We’re actually not told this until later in the second act, and I think this could be revealed and made clear much earlier in the script. On page 45, Nikki and Ritchie talk about “that cop” and on pg 46 Ritchie asks if she knows who “HE” is and she says “some dirty cop,” but we still don’t know for sure it’s PETE they are talking about until Pete says it on page 61. And Pete is never around any other cops, he’s never dressed as a cop, he’s never seen as a cop. I think it could be even creepier to see that character in his police uniform at some point, and it could make for a visual and more shocking reveal of whom he is.

Structurally, I think you have some wonderful turning points in the second act that keep the story going, first with Nikki killing Gwen and it being Pete who finds her phone and calls them; and then on page 71 when they get double-crossed at the party. Your midpoint is exciting, but the action scene with Mike, Franky and Rocco isn’t really connected to the story – it’s just a random fight sequence. But as far as “filler” scenes go, it’s a fun and exciting one.

I’m not sure where the first act actually ends though and the opening scene seems a bit muted and I’m not sure it’s totally necessary. You could start the script in the rain in the dark alley as the car pulls up. Without dialogue or interaction, I’m not sure what the opening scene with the sleeping girlfriend really gets you, or what it tells us. The threat Sammy makes against her only means something if we really feel a connection between them, and from the opening scene the blonde could be a wife, girlfriend, or just some one night stand he’s watching in the morning. The relationship could be defined a bit better in that first scene to show how important the girlfriend character is to Ritchie.

It’s unclear if the girlfriend is pregnant in the opening scene. Perhaps if you’re going to open with the girlfriend, showing her as pregnant and maybe seeing Richie touch her stomach or just look at it, without any dialogue in the scene still, would set up a much deeper and clearer connection. It would also set up a bit more of a clear time frame as we don’t know how long ago she gave birth, was killed, or when he killed Sammy. Plus setting up that she’s pregnant will make us wonder if it’s the baby in the hospital, or the girlfriend or someone totally different and make us wonder what happened to her. Then perhaps the dialogue in the hospital scene could be even stronger on page 4. Something like “Any update?” “Still fighting.”

We learn that the girlfriend died by being run over by a car – seemingly on purpose. Who was this blast from the past and was it the guy Ritchie killed? Hard to believe that Ritchie didn’t get vengeance for this “accident.” Or if there could be some greater connection between her death, the man responsible, and all the mob guys and killers he’s working for/with?

After the double-cross when Dimitri takes Ritchie and Nikki, the third act brings us plenty of fun action and revenge and is pretty non-stop to the end. I love how Nikki’s death seems to reignite the killer in Ritchie and make him realize that being a nice guy wasn’t getting him anywhere and everyone must die, save one – Heather the innocent porn star – to prove he only kills guilty people. And I really like your last beat where we think Ritchie might be leaving the bag of money in the Church but then last second realizes that’s not who he is and goes back and takes the bag back. I think that’s a great moment that nicely defines that Ritchie knows he has nothing left to live for, so he might as well be the person he has always been.

The one bit I didn’t quite understand or believe is why Ritchie would go to such lengths to destroy all the evidence and not get caught, but then wear bloody dirty clothes with evidence all over them to the hospital. As a professional killer who has cleaned up crime scenes before, this doesn’t sound like something he would do. He would probably throw his shirt into the fire at the cabin. I like that the cops let him go because they all hated the dirty Pete, though perhaps it’s a bit of a stretch since Ritchie did kill like 6 people. But if the cop told him that the reason is because exposing Pete and everything he was into would reverse dozens of cases, put criminals back on the street, and destroy the reputation of the police force – then there’s more of a rational reason to let Ritchie go.

Projects like these usually get made when a big enough actor wants to play the lead role. Anti-heroes have been a growing trend in TV and film, and those types of protagonists usually are attractive to actors because it allows them to play different layers and emotions. And Ritchie feels like he has SO much churning inside of him right under the surface, but very seldom does any of it come out. I like that Ritchie has something innocent driving him as motivation – his dying baby – and I like that he has a rough backstory that he’s been to prison for 5 years and refuses to go back. It gives him a bit more of a moral compass and shows that he has compassion and a fear, but I’m not sure what Ritchie’s goal is in the story.

He goes on these little jobs given to him by other people and he wants to clean up after Nikki to clear her from Gwen’s murder, but there’s no clear case or goal or THING that Ritchie needs to accomplish by the end except survive. I would think that with his deeper need of getting redemption or vengeance for what happened to his girlfriend and Sammy, and with everything that’s happened to him, he’d have his own personal mission but there isn’t one set up. And then that goal or mission would be ruined by what he has to do to save Nikki and by working with Pete again.

Ritchie’s connection with Nikki is likable and they have a nice chemistry, but we never get much depth or backstory about them. There is a line that intimates they possibly used to sleep together or date, but we never get any real information about them or their connection. She’s a likable character who brings energy and levity to the script, and her death is definitely the emotional strong point of the story – perhaps the one true emotional moment in the script for the audience. I kept waiting for her to pop up and still be alive.

However, she does sometimes feel like this little neurotic Chihuahua constantly yapping in Ritchie’s ear. She tells other people she’s not his girlfriend, she’s not his friend, and she’s not his partner. So what is she? Where did he find her? Why does he keep her around? I actually think it’s pretty funny that after being told by Mike that she’s about to get beaten and raped in front of her boyfriend, her only response is “he’s not my boyfriend.” It makes her seem like a tough girl, but we already know she’s not really because of what happened with Gwen and how freaked out she is.

It’s clear Ritchie has this history with Pete and this anger or guilt over what he did to Sammy in the opening scene because of Pete, but other than knowing they “used to run together,” we don’t know anything about Ritchie’s relationship with Sammy or why this affected him so greatly. Did he have to shoot his best friend? After Sammy, has Ritchie been searching for some sort of redemption? Because he’s still doing the same things he was doing when he killed Sammy, so I’m not sure exactly how he’s trying to change.

Overall, the dialogue is pretty strong. You have nice moments of levity, the description is sparse and clear and easy to visualize, and your characters do have personality that comes through their dialogue. I think the biggest note in terms of dialogue is that it doesn’t always feel as NOIR-ish as it could, especially in Ritchie’s voice. His cadence and the speed of his dialogue and his delivery should basically set the tone of the script. It’s a solid thriller, but to make it stand out, I think giving it more of a noir slant could help.

Just a few specific page notes –

Pg 36 – Typo – It should be BOBBY who says the line, “He doesn’t get through that door again” instead of Richie.

Pg 40 – Can cut the scene heading at bottom as it’s the same location she’s already in.

Pg 43 – We don’t know immediately that Dimitri is the husband, as we’ve never seen him before.

Pg 54 – This scene with the 3 against one (and even Ritchie’s line about it) is pretty reminiscent of the Jack Reacher scene outside the diner.

Pg 55 – “I’m the one who got the fucking brain facial” is a great line.

Overall, it’s an enjoyable and fast read with a castable lead character. It’s a perfectly serviceable script. I think the biggest issue is just making the story and tone stand out against so many other thrillers about killers with a conscience. Stick with it! Keep writing! And best of luck! Thanks again Kosta for submitting your script Lowlife” to Simply Scripts, and congratulations on being the featured script of the month.

NO BULLSCRIPT 20 POINT GRADING SHEET AND RECOMMENDATION:

PROJECT: CONSIDER

Breaking announcement: A hearty STS congratulations to Lee O’Connor.  The Brightest Star has now been optioned!!  We’ll provide additional news as production progresses.  For anyone who likes what they see here, give Lee a shout out at lee.a.oconnor “AT” gmail and see what else he has available!

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The Brightest Star

“Losing somebody you love isn’t easy. Look up at the brightest star and remember them.”

Life is messy. We’re not talking day to day trials and tribulations. More like the big picture. The “None of us gets outta here alive” sort of stuff.

Movies about death and dying are instant drama, custom-made to tug at one’s heartstrings. It’s tough enough to deal with it as an adult. But inject a child into the situation? Guaranteed there won’t be a dry eye in the house.

In The Brightest Star, a young family faces a life-threatening illness. To five year old James, death is a just a concept he’s not old enough to comprehend. So his parents, Mary and Paul, opt to provide the boy with the perfect visual substitution. Stars. As Mary explains to her son, “Stars are where we go when we pass away.”

And that, James can understand. Happy with his mother’s answer, he draws a picture of Planet Earth – filling the dark sky above with stars, and leaving just enough space for “Grandma and Grandpa.” But for Mary and Paul, the reality is far more complicated. And far too soon, Grandpa and Grandma’s stars will be joined by a third…

Simply written, TBS is a straightforward, touching story. One in which the subtext speaks volumes. One with a compelling, universal topic… witnessed through the eyes of a five year old. And a smart script for any director interested in meaningful drama shorts.

About the writer, Lee O’Connor:
I am a writer from the UK for the screen and theatre. I have written several shorts which are in various stages of production. I am currently in the process of writing a feature film which will be shot in L.A early next year. Alongside that, I am in the process of working on two feature films which the genre and subject will remain a mystery.

I like to tackle subject matters that will pull on the heart strings, educate and open a your eyes. Although these genres are at the opposite ends of the spectrum I predominately write drama and sci-fi. I believe you write with what you know, so be yourself and don’t try to mimic another film or script you have read, create your own voice. I am reachable via email: lee.a.oconnor “AT” gmail

Pages: 3

Budget: Basic. A living room, bedroom and hallway interiors. One exterior shot in a garden. Three actors with lots of heart. And a telescope for looking at stars.

About the Reviewer: California über reader/reviewer KP Mackie is working hard on her animated feature. KP’s work is available at moviepoet.com!

READ THE SCRIPT HERE – AND DON’T FORGET TO COMMENT!!

FOR YET MORE SCRIPTS AVAILABLE FOR PRODUCTION:

PLEASE SEARCH SIMPLYSCRIPTS.COM 

OR THE BLOG VERSION OF STS HERE.

All screenplays are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. The screenplays may not be used without the expressed written permission of the author.

Glued

A man awakes from a drunken binge to find his abused family has evened the odds…

Written by Rustom Irani, “Glued” is a dark masterpiece!

A twisted story of domestic revenge, the script opens as Bubba (40s) awakes in his mobile home – hungover, naked, hairy and disheveled… to find he’s been glued to the floor.

His abused wife and son bustle around him. “Mama’s” sporting a huge shiner – a souvenir of her husband’s drunken, abusive behavior from the night before. As the gravity of the situation sinks in, Bubba’s insults turn to panic. It’s the weekend – no-one’ll miss him for several days. He threatens unspeakable violence when he breaks free – but his family continues about their business unphased. The Kid watches Saturday morning cartoons. Mama searches for cigarettes under the couch, and scrapes the waffle iron clear of gunk for breakfast.

As he bellows, Bubba slowly works himself loose; one painful patch of torn skin at a time. But everyone seems blissfully unconcerned. Dad’s gonna kill us? Oh well…

Why aren’t they worried? Well, that’s a zinger we ain’t gonna tell.

Domestic abuse and peeling skin: not your normal family fare. And yet – Glued is a screenplay gem. Filled with deliciously twisted dialogue, Glued sets up dark comedic scenes that are priceless. Let’s face it, revenge is sweet…

…and gluing Bubba to the floor was just the set-up. Grab this script before he (and it) breaks free!

About the writer: A film and video aficionado based in Mumbai, Rustom Irani works as a freelance editor and screenwriter for projects ranging from narratives, commercials, and documentaries to corporate and music videos. His website is available at www.planetrusty.com, and he can be reached at rustyirani “AT” gmail.com!

Pages: 5

Budget: Low. Find a mobile home, three great actors and you’re done!

About the reviewers: Scott & Paula Merrow are a husband and wife screenwriting team. Since 2006, they’ve written over 50 short screenplays, several of which have been produced. They tend toward family-friendly scripts, but they’ve written a little bit of everything: horror, fantasy, sci-fi, comedy,… the whole nine yards. They’re reachable at scott-paula “AT” comcast.net

READ THE SCRIPT HERE – AND DON’T FORGET TO COMMENT!!

In the Grip of Denial

After a brutal car crash, a man slowly unravels the truth behind his survival.

Gary Parrish drives his car late at night; accompanied by the blur of the dark road, his guitar case in back. His cell phone rings: he looks away from the wheel… jumps the shoulder and slams into a tree.

Blackness. Followed by the beeping of a hospital monitor. When Gary awakes, his fiance Melissa is at his side.

After a brief hospital stay, Gary heads home with Mel. There’s been some nerve damage in his arm, but otherwise everything’s okay. He’s a lucky man… or is he?

Recuperating at home, Gary finds himself frustrated at every turn. His beloved guitar’s been smashed to bits. And even the simplest tasks become daunting: dressing himself, holding a beer bottle, or playing football with his friends. His relationship with Melissa increasingly strained, Gary rushes his return to work – to find he can’t even hold his pen. His awkward co-workers seem strangely subdued.

Confronted by an increasingly alarmed Mel, Gary finds himself facing a harsh choice: deal with the truth of what happened that night. Or let his grip on reality slip away…

A unique dramatic script, Grip of Denial offers its readers the full package – fully realized characters you’ll care about… wrapped in a touch of mystery.

About the writer: Zach Jansen is an award-winning and produced screenwriter from Saint Paul, Minnesota.  He enjoys spending time with his kids, anything movies, and sitting at his desk pounding out his next script.  If for some reason you want to learn more about him, you can check out his IMDb page or quasi-frequently updated blog.

Page Count: 14

Budget: Mid-range. The car crash could be mostly implied. Settings include an office building, hospital, home and garden – and a cast of various extras to portray friends and coworkers.

About the guest reviewer: A writer himself, Leegion’s works can be found on www.simplyscripts.com.

FOR YET MORE SCRIPTS AVAILABLE FOR PRODUCTION:

PLEASE SEARCH SIMPLYSCRIPTS.COM 

All screenplays are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. The screenplays may not be used without the expressed written permission of the author.

Give Me Shelter

“Divorcees Moira and James attempt survival in the wake of an apocalyptic event. From a bomb shelter deep beneath the Earth, they must find peace between themselves before facing the new, chaotic world above.”

 The daily grind. Navigating bumper-to-bumper traffic, finding a seat on the subway, racing to class, transporting kids to school. There are appointments to keep, errands to run, never-ending housework, and a flow of constant bills to pay. Ah yes; the Responsibilities of Life. Your list may vary; but it stares you in the face everyday. Insurmountable… at least without that morning Starbucks.

For a few moments, though, imagine that everything you do — that routine you rely on so intimately — is gone. In a puff of smoke. The blink of an eye. Your daily life; obliterated. All that planning and plodding, blown clear out the window. And worst of all – no Starbucks!

As Douglas Adams was fond of saying, Try Not to Panic…

Even though your life has been shattered to bits.

In Rod Thompson’s drama, Give Me Shelter, 30 something Moira and James hole up in a small bomb shelter, having barely escaped the total destruction of their house, their neighborhood, and all their friends.

The bunker contains two small cots. A single light bulb dangles overhead. Some couples might find it romantic. But Moira and James are recently divorced. Not that divorce is the end of the world. Although, perhaps, in this case it is…

Because something HUGE is wreaking havoc above ground.

The couple huddle in darkness, hoping to escape attention. James attempts to calm a hysterical Moira – and promises her they’ll be safe. Though he can’t quite convince himself.

Apocalyptic events in a contained location; that alone is enough to sell a script. Yet, Moira and James’ relationship is what truly makes GMS shine – featuring terrific lines such as these:

James (singing to distract Moira from her fears): Sorry. Old habits.

Moira: No. Keep going. You may have been a shitty husband, but you were always a good singer.

James: By the sound of things up there, I may be the last singer before this day is over…

Confronting annihilation is no vacation from the daily grind. But it can really put things in perspective. Past the panic and the urgency – the dialogue in this script rings true, depicting the familiarity of two people that have been together for a long time. Fought – but loved each other, too. And in some small way… still do.

So if you’re a director drawn to well developed characters – and catastrophe – then grab your spot on the cot. ‘Cause there’s only one slot available!

About the writer, Rod Thompson:I have been writing creatively since I learned how to write. There is just something about telling a story that I can never get over. Storytelling in itself is like an old flame that occassional comes to me and just says, “Use me.” The ability to watch a movie through words, or to craft a world in such a manner is the closest to Godliness that man will ever come. True story. Contact Rod at RodThompson1980 “AT” gmail.com

Pages: 5 pages

Budget: Low. A sparse interior for the bomb shelter. Equip with cots, a bare bulb, and two talented actors. Imagine the fun you’ll have creating sound effects for the end of the world!

About the reviewer for Give Me Shelter:California uber reader/reviewer KP Mackie is working hard on her animated feature. KP’s work is available at moviepoet.com!

READ THE SCRIPT HERE – AND DON’T FORGET TO COMMENT!!

FOR YET MORE SCRIPTS AVAILABLE FOR PRODUCTION:

PLEASE SEARCH SIMPLYSCRIPTS.COM 

OR THE BLOG VERSION OF STS HERE.

All screenplays are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. The screenplays may not be used without the expressed written permission of the author.