In Don We Trust
Written by
Steven Cameron
Special Thanks To:
The Members, at least the ones used in this piece, I
respect the hell out of each of you. This is only a
satire and please do not take any of it to heart.
I don't have time to thank all of you separately for the
times we've had and even the little bumps in the road
leading up until now. We may not all be best friends but
we coexist in an environment that makes all of us better
with each passing year.
[Notes: I had to edit out some parts for length and stuff
but some day I'll release them if the demand is high.]
"Previews"
[The following previews are brought to you by the same
people who brought you that commercial with that girl
whose shirt falls off because honestly that's about as
original as television gets]
EXT. CINEMA - DAY
Casey sits on the curb in front of a large Cinema eating
popcorn.
CASEY
Heretic The Avenger? Why didn't
you guys call it "Heretic A Grave
Problem" or "Heretic A Medieval
Problem" They reflect the subject
matter a little better, this title
is just a punch line. But whatever
you bitches want, I won't cry over
it.
DIRECTOR (O.C.)
Why aren't you inside watching the
previews with your friends?
CASEY
Those guys are not my friends,
they just follow me around and
your guy kicked me out because I
was bashing all the previews.
DIRECTOR (O.C.)
What exactly do you find wrong
with them?
CASEY
Independent films rarely are any
good though that one… One Last Fix
was a brilliant short film that
really gripped me in for the
entire ride.
DIRECTOR (O.C.)
I know the guy who wrote it.
CASEY
Somebody wrote that? I need to
meet this guy; we have the same
kind of mind.
Casey eats some popcorn.
DIRECTOR (O.C.)
If this was your movie what would
you call it?
CASEY
You're obsessed with titles,
aren't you?
DIRECTOR (O.C.)
Yes, the viewing audience awaits.
Casey sighs and tosses the popcorn aside.
CASEY
Well if it were my film I might
call it "In Don We Trust" but
that's only me.
DIRECTOR (O.C.)
Genius!
CASEY
Now can I please go back inside?
DIRECTOR (O.C.)
Yeah, sure.
Casey gets up, walks over to the doors and enters.
DIRECTOR (O.C.) (CONT'D)
Call the studio, we're changing
the title.
VOICE (O.C.)
But we've already marketed it as
Heretic The Avenger.
DIRECTOR (O.C.)
We have to change the title, your
job depends on it.
A car drives by, the man inside waves at the camera.
Feature Presentation
"In Don We Trust"
FADE IN:
INT. INSTITUTION ROOM - NIGHT
The room is padded heavily; a small mattress lies on the
floor surrounded by a dozen stuffed animals.
WESLEY, an average man all around sits up in bed with
beads of sweat pouring down his face.
WESLEY (V.O.)
Was it all a dream? I was never a
Private Dick, this means Don is…
wait why am I talking like this?
WESLEY (CONT'D)
Alive!
Wesley bolts to his feet and runs into a wall.
WESLEY (CONT'D)
(Whines loudly)
Don, you're alive.
(Beat)
You're really alive. Yippee.
He begins dancing around with joy tossing the stuffed
animals up in the air as he does.
EXT. FIELD - DREAM
CHRIS SHALOM, 17, a very poorly dressed man stands on the
sidelines of a field smoking a cigarette; he watches a
game of Shaolin Soccer.
CHRIS (V.O.)
Siu lam juk kau, that's what they
call it. A sport that combines the
martial arts and soccer but is it
possible? Could Soccer be this
fun, could I play this?
Chris flicks the cigarette off to one side, Mighty Steel
Leg runs over to him.
MSL
Hey coach, are you watching us?
CHRIS
Yes of course I am but I must say
you and your brothers need a lot
of work, I don't know if I'm up
for it.
MSL
But you're our coach, we need you.
CHRIS
I know, I know but…
Just then a large floating Pirate Ship glides on-screen
and catches everyone's attention.
MSL
Oh no, it's Godzilla.
The brothers scream and disappear into the bushes off to
one side of the field, a moment later they peak out from
behind. Chris turns to the Pirate Ship and shakes his
head.
ANDY PETROU, dressed in a pirate uniform stands on the
edge of the ship and looks down at the tiny outline of
Chris.
CHRIS
You have that effect on people,
Andy.
ANDY
I have traveled a very long
distance to see you.
CHRIS
I have no time; I must summon the
American God Bruce Campbell and
get him to coach my Shaolin Soccer
team.
ANDY
Chris, meet my first mate Breanne,
she is very negative but she's
single.
CHRIS
The last girl you set me up with
went crazy and tried to kill me.
ANDY
And she failed, be happy about it.
CHRIS
I will not date anymore of your
crew, you're all evil.
Chris turns and walks away.
INT. SHAMAN & TIC OFFICE - DAY
The room is dark but for the dim light from a lava lamp,
Chris is asleep at his desk. A SILHOUETTED figure walks
by the desk dropping a note and leaves closing the door
behind.
SHAMAN (V.O.)
I had to leave Heretic because
there are souls in purgatory. I
know what you're thinking, I'm
evil, somehow I'll figure into the
conclusion of this story and
everything you thought you seen
didn't really happen.
Shaman laughs loudly, Chris jolts awake looking around.
CHRIS
Shaman? You there?
Chris grabs the note.
"Theirs a place right between where I stand and Hell
begins, I must look into it. On the back of this note is
your next case, just came in from SimplyScripts Mental
Institution, I'm sorry I must sit this one out.
P.S. I have sent over your new apprentice, she is very
bright and knowledgeable and I think you might enjoy
having her around."
Chris turns over the note.
"URGENT! Administrator Don requests Shaman & Tic pay a
visit to SimplyScripts Mental Institution"
CHRIS (CONT'D)
It's time to become…
He stands up and drops behind his desk hidden from view,
he pops back up wearing a red cape and tinted glasses.
CHRIS (CONT'D)
Heretic - The Avenger.
He strikes a hero pose. The door swings open, a cloud of
smoke enters the room and he begins coughing.
Andy Petrou walks through the smoke dressed as a pirate.
CHRIS (CONT'D)
Not you.
ANDY
Yes, it is I the one who travels
great distances to make peoples
lives better.
CHRIS
You look… ridiculous. Did you look
in the mirror before you came
here?
ANDY
I thought it was cute.
CHRIS
I'm a superhero, not a fashion
model although I could have been
in another life if not for…
ANDY
You're not going to say the
contest was rigged because you're.
Andy stops and looks at him.
CHRIS
I'm not saying that but why else
would I be a superhero?
ANDY
At least you're not a cliché.
CHRIS
What exactly is your superpower?
ANDY
Well I was thinking about that on
my way over here.
CHRIS
And?
ANDY
I know a lot about The Goonies.
CHRIS
Great, I have an important mission
and my apprentice is a fact
checker.
Chris slumps down in his chair and puts his head down.
Andy walks over to a cabinet in the corner, a trophy sits
on top.
ANDY
These are the cases you've solved?
CHRIS
No they're the ones I couldn't
solve; those are the ones I have.
He points to a miniature cabinet beside it. Andy grabs
the trophy and reads the label.
ANDY
You play Football?
CHRIS
I used to but that trophy is for
Soccer.
ANDY
Like I said.
She accidentally breaks the little man off the top and
hides it behind her back.
CHRIS
What are you doing?
ANDY
Nothing.
He looks away for a moment and she discards the trophy
into the garbage bin.
CHRIS
Why did Shaman send you?
ANDY
It's a long story, I was at this…
CHRIS
You're right it is long. Look we
have to get going, citizen Don
needs us.
Chris strikes another hero pose, Andy gets beside him and
strikes one of her own.
CHRIS (CONT'D)
Yeah, we're cool.
ANDY
What about my hero name?
Chris drops his shoulders and looks at her.
CHRIS
Do I have to do everything? You
travel great distances to gain
experience and you cannot even
think of a name?
ANDY
I've been busy.
CHRIS
We'll call you… Loonie Goonie
Andy scoffs and walks out of the office, Chris follows.
CHRIS (CONT'D)
What? It's cool plus we're going
to an institution, now that's some
irony.
Alanis Morissette walks on-screen.
ALANIS
I made a song about irony once.
CHRIS
Now you're a washed up anorexic
whore with less talent than your
boyfriend.
Alanis starts crying and runs away.
EXT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS INSTITUTION - NIGHT
A huge light blue/gray structure sits behind large gates;
a large sign says "Beware of Dogg" A beat up blue car
pulls up.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Heretic drives and Andy sits shotgun.
CHRIS
Stay here.
ANDY
I like to travel great distances.
CHRIS
You'll stay here.
Chris waves his hand in front of Andy's face, she just
looks at him.
ANDY
What are you doing?
Chris looks at his hand.
CHRIS
Damn, this hand has done so many
things for me I thought a Jedi
mind trick might work on you.
ANDY
Are you saying I'm weak minded?
CHRIS
Compared to me, yes.
Chris gets out and closes the door, Andy watches him walk
away.
ANDY
Asshole.
She smiles and lies back in the seat. A FIGURE cloaked in
shadow rises up behind Andy, he wraps a wire around her
neck and she begins to struggle.
INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS -
Chris walks through the large glass doors into the bright
white hallway, a GRUFF man passes by him. Chris looks
back at him as he continues watching when he runs into
GEORGE WILLSON, dressed in a dirty pair of blue coveralls
sending both men to the ground.
They help each other up.
Everything freezes.
Large Bold Subtitle: Hey kids, its George Wilson.
Everything goes back to normal, George looks into the
camera.
GEORGE
I can see that, you know how to
spell my name.
Chris looks around.
CHRIS
Who are you talking to?
GEORGE
He knows who he is.
CHRIS
Okay, uh who was that Gruff man
that just left?
GEORGE
Some creepy guy named Cary, Don
kicked him out though because he
was kind of an ass.
CHRIS
Hmm this place must only house
friendly people who just happen to
be insane.
GEORGE
I guess, I only sweep the floors.
CHRIS
Uh-huh
GEORGE
During the day I write in my
bible, I have a lot of stuff in
it. Would you like to read it?
CHRIS
No.
George pulls it out of his pocket and opens it to a page.
GEORGE
I was writing about this character
named David…
Chris is now at the other end of the hallway knocking on
a door; George grabs a cloak from his cart and throws it
on. He pulls the hood up and backs into the dark, red
eyes begin to glow from the darkness.
INT. SIMPLY SHOWERS -
The shower room consists of an endless male/female shower
section and a separate bathtub section with hundreds
lined up in a row.
BANANA CHAN and TAKASHI sit in an empty bathtub looking
lovingly into each others eyes. They close in for a kiss
when-
ALAN HOLMAN bursts through the door carrying a samurai
sword, he approaches them.
TAKASHI
Oh my god, she asked me to marry
her. I'm like so excited.
ALAN
No Banana, I thought you loved me.
BANANA
You created me, you're my father.
ALAN
I love you.
BANANA
And I love Takashi.
TAKASHI
I'm even changing my last name to
Chan, Takashi Chan. I'm so excited
right now I just want to scream…
Dad.
Alan falls to his knees and starts sobbing.
ALAN
I hate you Takashi and that god
awful series you star in.
TAKASHI
Now that was just mean.
Alan cries loudly, STEVEN, a homely looking man wearing
only a towel walks in behind him.
STEVEN
What's going on in here?
TAKASHI
We're getting married.
Steven begins dancing around and his towel falls off.
STEVEN
Now I can be a part of a good
series.
TAKASHI
Hey!
Steven looks around.
STEVEN
It's cold in here.
He continues to look around; Alan just continues gripping
the sword.
TAKASHI
Why is everyone being so mean to
me, I feel very vulnerable and I
just want to share my happiness is
all.
STEVEN
You just can't hold a candle to
Alan, he's very talented and kind
of cute.
Alan gets up; an angry look comes over his face.
ALAN
If I can't have you, nobody can.
He screams and swings the sword cutting Banana Chan's
head off, bananas begin flying out of the open wound and
her head grows back.
STEVEN
Damn that's some crazy shit.
TAKASHI
She has some ninja in her.
Takashi winks at her, she giggles. Alan falls back to his
knees.
ALAN
I always have Buster, my new
favorite character.
Alan runs off, Steven turns and runs after him.
STEVEN
Hey so does this mean I can join
the writing staff for Banana Chan?
Steven chases Alan down the hallway.
INT. DON'S OFFICE - DAY
A large wooden desk sits in mid room; the walls are a
pale gray with light blue borders. Two chairs sit in
front of the desk and one facing the other way behind it.
A DUMMY sits in one of the chairs, his name is BERT.
Heretic walks into the office and sits down beside Bert.
DON (O.S.)
Heretic The Avenger, you have
come.
HERETIC
I did.
DON (O.S.)
I need you to find Wesley, without
him the place just feels empty.
HERETIC
If he's still on the grounds how
hard can it be?
DON (O.S.)
Since we started expanding the
institutions size along with the
new people have forced us to grow
quite a bit, now we're ready to
take on the world.
HERETIC
Maybe you shouldn't expand so
much; it makes it hard to find
things.
DON (O.S.)
I know, Wesley's been telling me
that for a long time but I never
listen to him because he's insane.
Heretic looks at the Dummy; it turns its head and looks
at him.
HERETIC
What the f…
Don spins around and looks at the Dummy.
DON
That's just Bert, he's my dummy.
HERETIC
That's a bit odd, don't you think?
DON
Well yes it is but he came to us,
a newcomer if you will.
HERETIC
Where did he come from?
DON
He keeps talking about The Farm
and a little girl named Angel
trying to kill him. Some might say
he's crazy.
BERT
The Farm, I haven't been the same
since I read it.
HERETIC
I have some experience in helping
people, maybe I can help you.
BERT
Evil, that place is evil.
DON
It's okay, let's just find Wesley.
BERT
Wesley is a dick, a dick a big
dick.
Don leans over the table and smacks Bert.
DON
Bad, never swear while I'm around.
HERETIC
Where should we start?
DON
Well the only place he could be is
inside the Hall of Records but I
warn you it's probably the biggest
collection of rooms you'll ever
see in your life, literally
thousands upon thousands.
HERETIC
My god.
Don slowly gets up from his chair with a loud cracking
sound.
DON
It's been awhile since I left this
chair, usually I just sleep here
slumped over my desktop.
HERETIC
That's weird.
DON
Tell that to my wife.
Don wobbles to the door, Heretic follows.
EXT. HALL OF RECORDS -
Heretic stands in front of the door, Don stands beside
him.
DON
This is it.
He opens the door and they enter.
INT. HALLWAY -
A vast hallway of doors with a title above them, Don and
Heretic look around.
HERETIC
I'm confused.
DON
What did I tell you, we expanded.
HERETIC
You can say that, where do we
start?
DON
We have the movie room where Nixon
hangs out but people avoid him
because he tells some very
chilling and graphic war stories.
HERETIC
You have war vets here?
DON
That's the thing, his family
brought him here a year ago and
just said please do something with
him so we gave him a room where he
talks about movies.
HERETIC
So he's like the internet movie
database?
DON
Only when you go in there you
Expect No Mercy.
HERETIC
I see.
They walk down the hall looking at each door as they
pass.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Nobody is in the car; a shadow passes through the light
at the trunk of the car.
EXT. CAR - NIGHT
A cloaked figure stands over the open trunk, Andy lies
bound and gagged inside.
ANDY
(Muffled)
Why are you doing this, I love
you.
FIGURE
I hate fan boys or girls who
follow me around like sheep; you
don't know how long I've been
trying to capture you. It took me
almost 30 years but I've finally
wiped out the fanboy population
and SimplyScripts Mental
Institution harbors the big bad
underbelly of fanboyism.
ANDY
How do you know?
FIGURE
Because I secretly lurk in the
darkness watching their every
move, I even got inside a few
times and pretended to be an idiot
just to see what happens. I now
know that the only real evil worth
stopping in this world is Wesley
and the rest of his members.
ANDY
What are you going on about?
FIGURE
SimplyScripts is a cult, Heretic
The Avenger is being lead to his
doom and you surely were next.
ANDY
So why did you tie me up?
FIGURE
Because God came to me in a dream
and said Andy is your soul mate,
I'm just not sure if he meant you
or the other Andrew inside.
ANDY
Are you gay?
FIGURE
I'm just so confused right now.
The Figure starts crying loudly, Andy tries to wiggle
free but can't.
FIGURE (CONT'D)
Are you really a man?
ANDY
Now that's just rude to ask a
lady.
FIGURE
I guess theirs only one way to
find out.
Andy's eyes widen as she looks at the dark Figure, he
looks back at her and starts moving closer.
INT. HALL OF RECORDS -
Heretic stands at a door; a sign over the door reads
"Here Lies Uwe Boll"
HERETIC
How did he get a room?
DON
The guys a real case, thinks he's
a Hollywood director. I've heard
stories of how he makes his money,
ever see George Carlin in Jay and
Silent Bob Strike Back? That's
what I heard.
HERETIC
That's good to know.
They continue walking; a mumbling noise comes from within
the room.
INT. HLUB ROOM -
Uwe Boll sits on his bed holding a Bloodrayne action
figure.
UWE
You'd make a classic film
character; I could write and
direct it you know?
Uwe caresses the dolls hair and picks up a screenplay,
the title is "Gigli 2 - A Gay in The Life" he snickers to
himself and hides it under his pillow.
INT. CAR - DAY
The Figure and Andy sit on the hood of the car, each
smoking a cigarette. The soft glow from the end of the
cigarette lights the Figures face just a little bit each
time as it gets closer.
FIGURE
How was I?
Andy buttons up her shirt and places her pirate hat back
on.
ANDY
You're not as good as the Canadian
Lumberjacks but you can hold your
own.
FIGURE
Thanks.
ANDY
Why are you hiding your face
still?
FIGURE
Because they're watching us.
Andy grabs his hood and pulls it off revealing COREY
FELDMAN.
ANDY
See doesn't that feel so much
better?
Corey begins to shake; Andy tries to warm him up.
COREY
S-S-So cold.
ANDY
Don't be such a baby, once we kill
Wesley SimplyScripts will come
crumbling down like a wall.
COREY
Why don't we just kill Don?
ANDY
He's being protected by Heretic
The Avenger.
COREY
Where did you hide Wesley?
ANDY
Don't worry, I have somebody with
him.
COREY
Who?
Andy looks at him and smiles.
INT. BONSAI ROOM -
TYLER HIGGINS, 15, dark brown hair and dressed in a suit
sits in a chair surrounded by Bonsai trees. Wesley tied
and gagged with a big red ball sits across from him.
TYLER
Where is my Bonzi Buddy god
damnit! I want my buddy.
Wesley mumbles, Tyler moves his chair closer.
TYLER (CONT'D)
Sorry I forgot.
He pulls the gag from his mouth.
WESLEY
Bonzi Buddy isn't real dipshit.
TYLER
Don't you ever talk bad about him
again, hear me?
Tyler slaps Wesley across the face drawing blood.
TYLER (CONT'D)
Why are all these plants in my
room?
WESLEY
They're Bonsai Trees.
TYLER
You mean they killed Bonzi and
made him into a tree? You monster.
Tyler pulls out a pair of booster cables, Wesley looks at
them.
WESLEY
Aren't you supposed to keep me
alive?
TYLER
You've been mean to me for the
last time, I know you tell Don
everything we do and I'm sick of
it.
WESLEY
I'm not a rat.
Tyler slaps him again, blood flies from his mouth. A
badge falls from his pocket; Tyler lifts it up and looks
at it. It says "Official Moderator"
Tyler stands up and walks over to a Bonsai tree, he moves
the branches to reveal a cassette player.
TYLER
Ha-ha eh?
He pushes a button; "Stuck in the Middle With You by Bob
Dylan" starts to play. Tyler dances back towards Wesley.
TYLER (CONT'D)
You know Wesley I like you, I
respect what you do here for Don
but I want my Bonzi Buddy and I'll
do whatever it takes to get him.
WESLEY
It's a computer program.
TYLER
Do I look mindless to you? Jason
told me what you're up to.
Tyler walks in front of Wesley blocking him from view and
leans in.
EXT. BONSAI ROOM -
Wesley screams.
INT. HALL OF RECORDS -
Don and Heretic disappear inside a door, it closes behind
them. A sign above the door says "Denver Max is Frozen on
Layer Lake"
INT. DMFLL -
Two large mansion doors stand tall in front of Don and
Heretic. Don stops him from going any further.
HERETIC
What's wrong?
DON
I have to tell you something
before we go any further.
HERETIC
Okay.
They look at each other for a long moment, neither says
anything.
HERETIC (CONT'D)
Are you trying to get inside my
mind?
DON
What? No.
HERETIC
Okay go on.
DON
Well I don't know how to tell you
this but here goes nothing… I'm
Wesley's father.
Heretic faints.
EXT. CAR -
Andy and Corey are in close ready to kiss when a loud
scream echoes from inside the building.
ANDY
Fucking Higgonaitor.
Andy gets up and heads toward the building, Corey
follows.
ANDY (CONT'D)
Never trust a man to do a woman's
job.
COREY
Damn right.
ANDY
You're so effeminate.
COREY
At least I don't have a guy's
name.
ANDY
Excuse me?
COREY
I'm sorry mistress, that was out
of line.
ANDY
You're my bitch, remember that.
They continue walking toward the entrance, Corey cries a
little as they do.
INT. DMFLL -
Don kneels down beside Heretic holding his head up.
HERETIC
Was that a joke?
DON
No.
Don helps Heretic to his feet.
HERETIC
Your son is crazy? I guess it runs
in the family.
DON
I'm not crazy; I just watch over a
lot of crazy people with multiple
personalities and kick out the
ones I don't like.
HERETIC
Yeah.
Don grabs his left arm and begins moaning.
HERETIC (CONT'D)
Don! What's wrong?
DON
I need my medication, you go on
without me.
HERETIC
Okay…
Don waves at him as he goes inside the large doors; Don
drops his hand back down to his side.
DON
Sucker.
Don walks away.
INT. MANSION -
Heretic walks in the midst of a large party, hot men and
women dressed very stylish dance around. ANDREW ROMANCE,
wearing a white suit walks down a pair of twisting stairs
with a dozen women all around him.
ANDREW
Heretic, I'd say have some fun but
you never seem to have any so
please come in.
HERETIC
Cut the act Andrew, you're a fake
pimp.
Andrew looks at the women on his arms and back to
Heretic.
ANDREW
I've got all this ass and 3 gold
albums with my band, I'm pretty
Godly, don't you think?
All the women giggle.
HERETIC
You've changed a lot.
ANDREW
Jealous?
HERETIC
Why would I be jealous of you?
ANDREW
You're doing something new every
week, it's almost pathetic. This
week you're a detective, last week
it was a soccer player, the week
before martial arts expert, need I
go on?
HERETIC
I… Okay but I'm good at this, just
let me do my job.
ANDREW
I don't have time for newbie's.
GEORGE (O.S.)
Leave him alone Andrew.
Andrew and Heretic both turn, GEORGE WILLSON, now dressed
in a black suit with slicked black hair walks down the
other staircase with dozens of women at his side.
ANDREW
George Willson, I'd say you're
always welcome but I fucking hate
you.
GEORGE
My skills are so much higher than
yours, you fear me.
ANDREW
You just talk too much.
GEORGE
My superior powers of wit will
crush you.
ANDREW
So what's the wager this time?
GEORGE
Fifty grand says that my girls are
smarter than yours.
Andrew smiles.
ANDREW
You are on my friend.
A MAID walks up to George.
GEORGE
I'd like a Martini, shaken not
stirred.
He slaps her on the butt while she leaves and stares down
Andrew who stares back. Heretic sneaks over to the door
and quietly leaves.
INT. HALL OF RECORDS -
Andy and Corey walk down the Hallway, they look around
reading the doors.
COREY
Hey, do you think Uwe Boll would
use me in his next movie?
ANDY
He used that washed up turd goblin
Christian Slater so probably but
do you really want to lower
yourself to that when we can still
produce the next Goonies film
together.
COREY
I want to act again; I think I'm
very good at it.
ANDY
Me too.
Alan runs by followed by a naked Steven, he stops.
STEVEN
You suck Corey.
He laughs and continues chasing Alan.
COREY
I'm lost, where is this Bonsai
room?
ANDY
He said it was in the Hall of
Records and it looks like he was
right but where.
Heretic exits the DMFLL door, Andy spots him and enters
the first door she sees pulling Corey with her. Heretic
walks by the door, the sign reads "Romero's Zombie
Capital"
INT. ZOMBIE CAPITAL -
Andy and Corey stand in the midst of an old western town,
everything is barren.
COREY
We should get out of here; I have
an uneasy feeling about this
place.
ANDY
So do I, let's go.
They turn around, the door is gone.
ANDY (CONT'D)
We're at the end of act two and
we're in a Western?
COREY
I'm just so emotional right now;
when I was younger my father took
me to a Western.
Corey starts crying, Andy shakes her head.
ANDY
It's so much better when you don't
actually meet your childhood
heroes.
COREY
I just feel these emotions
creeping up, I found God and in
order to be his son I need to let
my feelings out.
ANDY
Please shut up.
COREY
Fine, you can do this on your own,
I'm finished Andy. Finished!
A Zombie jumps out of a building and attacks Corey, it
tears flesh from his neck. Andy backs up against a wall;
a hand creeps around the corner and pulls her off-screen.
The Zombie finishes up with Corey and looks up for Andy
with a roar, Zombie Corey wakes up.
TOPHER RHIVES holds his hand over Andy's mouth; she
struggles for a moment until noticing he's human.
TOPHER
I can get you out of here.
He points toward a door at the end of the street.
TOPHER (CONT'D)
Just watch my performance and tell
me what you think, with that I can
change rehearsals and improve it…
Okay?
ANDY
What is it?
TOPHER
A versus film… I know they suck
but hey they offered to pay me a
lot of money to put this cool
intro together.
ANDY
Oh god.
TOPHER
I know but just watch it.
He stands up and walks out into the street; two women
dressed in sparkly dresses appear out of nowhere. The
three begin walking down the street; the theme from
"Shaft" begins playing loudly.
TOPHER (CONT'D)
Who's the cool private dick that's
a sex machine to all the chicks?
WOMEN
(Together)
Topher!
TOPHER
Ya damn right!
Dozens of Zombies begin to follow Topher and the girls.
TOPHER (CONT'D)
Who is the man that would risk his
neck for his brother man?
WOMEN
(Together)
Topher!
TOPHER
Can you dig it?
The Zombies begin dancing to the beat as they follow the
three.
TOPHER (CONT'D)
Who's the cat that won't cop out
when there's danger all about?
WOMEN
(Together)
Topher!
TOPHER
Right On! They say this cat Topher
is a bad mother…
WOMEN
(Together)
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
TOPHER
I'm talkin' 'bout Topher.
WOMEN
(Together)
THEN WE CAN DIG IT!
TOPHER
He's a complicated man but no one
understands him but his woman.
WOMEN
(Together)
Topher Rhives!
The Zombies overwhelm the girls and eat them alive, they
turn toward Topher.
TOPHER
Now Andy, run!
Andy runs passing by all the Zombies and reaches the
door, she looks back at Topher who is now surrounded.
ANDY
Come with me.
TOPHER
No, I must stay here and fight.
ANDY
I'll always remember what we had
however brief it was.
TOPHER
I can still remember the first
time I saw fear in your eyes like
it was a few minutes ago.
Andy smiles and opens the door.
TOPHER (CONT'D)
Andy, wait!
Andy turns back; Topher is being eaten by The Zombies.
TOPHER (CONT'D)
I love… Cheese.
They overwhelm him; Andy leaves but forgets to close the
door behind her.
INT. HALL OF RECORDS -
Heretic walks up to a door, the sign reads "The Best
Writer" he opens the door and enters.
INT. BONSAI ROOM - DAY
Tyler sits beside Wesley and holds a video cassette
labeled "Mindless Episode 4"
TYLER
It's the lost episode and we're
going to watch it together.
Wesley mumbles, Tyler puts the video tape in and turns it
on.
TYLER (CONT'D)
This could have ended long ago but
you have what is mine and I want
it.
A large chunk flies from the door as something crashes
into it; again and again the object hits it from the
other side. Tyler jumps to his feet and hides behind
Wesley.
TYLER (CONT'D)
Don't let them take me away man; I
just wanted to spend some time
with you that's all.
A hole is now in the door, Don peeks through.
DON
Here's Donny.
Tyler screams, he faints as Don unlocks the door and
enters.
DON (CONT'D)
Oh Wesley thank god you're still
alive.
He walks over to Wesley.
INT. THE BEST WRITER -
The room is empty but for a toy rocking horse in the
middle, it is on top of a wooden beam. Heretic walks in
and looks on as a dozen psychotic writers fight each
other to sit on the horse.
HERETIC
Where did I go?
UWE (O.S.)
Come on Rayne, we must spill some
blood.
Uwe Boll lets out a XENA cry as he runs on-screen with
two razor blades, the writers all scatter in fear. Uwe
climbs up and sits on the horse high above everyone, he
smiles.
UWE (CONT'D)
I can feel it pulsating through
me…
Impulse runs on-screen, hits the board and the high horse
comes crumbling down.
IMPULSE
Did somebody call me?
HERETIC
Nope but I think you killed Uwe
Boll.
They both look down at the bloody twisted wreck that is
Uwe Boll's body; both shrug their shoulders and look
away.
IMPULSE
So what's up?
HERETIC
Just solving some cases, you know?
IMPULSE
I really don't because nobody ever
includes me in anything.
HERETIC
That kind of stuff always happens
to me.
Impulse sits down on the horse and laughs, Heretic leaves
the room.
IMPULSE
Alone again but at least I'm the
best writer alive.
He looks around and kicks Uwe Boll's carcass.
INT. HALL OF RECORDS -
Andy walks up to a door with a sign that says "WE SEE"
ANDY
Where are you Tyler?
She continues on passing by another door with the sign
"The Lunchroom" this time she opens the door and some
tumbleweed flies across the screen.
VOICE
(Whispers)
4 years.
Andy quickly closes the door and walks away.
INT. BONSAI ROOM - DAY
Wesley is still tied to the chair but the gag has been
removed.
WESLEY
Where's Heretic?
DON
He's lost.
WESLEY
Can you please untie me now?
Andy stands in the doorway; a gun is trained on Don.
ANDY
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
DON
Miss Andy, I knew it all along.
ANDY
I've been a bad girl.
Don walks in front of Wesley; Andy keeps the gun on him.
DON
You'll have to shoot me before you
can kill him.
ANDY
Okay.
She fires a shot, Don jumps out of the way and the bullet
crushes into Wesley's chest with such impact that he
falls backwards in the chair. Heretic runs in and begins
wrestling Andy for the gun.
DON
Wesley!
Don goes to his side; blood begins to pour from his
mouth.
DON (CONT'D)
I'm sorry; I couldn't kill myself…
again.
WESLEY
I understand.
(Coughs)
This is how I seen it ending, with
you by my side and me at yours.
A tear falls from Wesley's eye, Don hands him the MOD
badge and Wesley cradles it close in to his heart.
DON
You're a brave man, my friend.
WESLEY
Thank you for everything.
(Coughs, Gurgles)
My captain, my king, my Donfather.
Wesley dies, Don covers his face. Heretic has the gun
trained on Andy now.
HERETIC
You killed him.
ANDY
SimplyScripts will now be a better
place now that I got rid of him.
Don gets up, walks over to Andy and hugs her.
DON
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
HERETIC
I'm confused.
DON
Do you really think anything
around this place goes on without
my knowing? Come on.
Heretic lowers the gun, Andy gets up.
HERETIC
So you brought me in for what?
Don and Andy laugh.
INT. SECRET MEETING ROOM - FLASHBACK
Wesley sits on a futon watching Starbuck Starr. Don walks
into the room and sits down beside Wesley.
WESLEY
I'm glad you came; I have
something I need to tell you.
Don watches the television, Wesley waits.
WESLEY (CONT'D)
Don?
He continues watching the T.V.
WESLEY (CONT'D)
I know it's good but we really
have to talk.
Wesley waits for a few more moments, he turns off the
television and Don turns to him.
DON
What is it?
WESLEY
I have some things to tell you
about.
DON
I hope it's better than last time.
WESLEY
Of course it is. First, I've heard
some people talking about Balt and
how they want him back.
DON
What can they do? The answer to
that question is nothing because I
own them.
WESLEY
Precisely but if they all team up
against you what will you do?
DON
Don't worry about me, worry about
yourself.
Wesley turns the television on, they continue watching
the show.
EXT. SECRET MEETING ROOM -
Don exits, Andy stands beside the door waiting.
ANDY
Does he suspect anything?
DON
He's clueless.
ANDY
Thanks again for getting rid of
Balt; I've hated him for awhile
now.
DON
Anything for you.
Andy smiles.
DON (CONT'D)
When Wesley is kidnapped it saved
us some trouble because Balt is
the only person who supported him,
now it should be easier.
ANDY
Yeah, I hate that guy.
Tyler walks toward Andy and Don from a distance.
DON
And right on time he arrives, I'm
going so take care of this.
Don walks away, Tyler runs and stops right in front of
Andy.
TYLER
Higgity Higgity Hello!
ANDY
Hi Tyler.
Tyler circles around Andy.
INT. BONSAI ROOM - BACK TO
Heretic looks over Don and Andy.
DON
So you see now why we needed you?
HERETIC
Uhh...
DON
Somebody to blame it on.
Heretic holds the gun up and laughs out loud.
HERETIC
Shit.
Andy takes the gun away from him, looks at Don and they
smile.
EXT. SIMPLY SCRIPTS INSTITUTION - LATER THAT DAY
EDWARD stands in front of a channel 10 News Van with a
camera trained on him.
EDWARD
This is Edward Reporting Live for
Channel 10 Evening News.
We're here at SimplyScripts Mental
Institution to report that Wesley
has in fact been murdered and Don
is on the look out for a new
Number 2. Our imbedded reporter
Ron Farmer has gone unnoticed and
that's why he's got a job.
Edward stops talking and listens to something through his
ear piece.
EDWARD (CONT'D)
And in other news a man known as
Baltis has taken over the Manor
Morgue Motel and is threatening to
kill everyone inside if he's not
aloud to come back to
SimplyScripts Mental Institution.
He has two others with him, one
simply known as Breanne and the
other a man in a white suit named
The Supremacist. I'm sorry, I must
correct that, he's wearing a towel
and his name is…
Zombie Corey walks on-screen behind Edward.
FADE TO BLACK:
Zombie Corey moans, Edward screams loudly.
...THE END...
Deleted Scene
[Note: This deleted scene kind of ties up Bert the
Dummy's story and also gave me an opportunity to use
AmericanSyCo our favorite reviewer at SS. I really didn't
have any room in the screenplay for this scene but it
would have gone right before the Edward one that ends the
script… Enjoy.]
INT. DON'S OFFICE -
Don walks into the office, picks up the dummy and tosses
it to one side. He moves the chairs and opens a hatch in
the floor.
DON
Coast is clear.
BERT crawls out covered in dirt, the two sit down in the
chairs.
BERT
It's done then?
DON
Yeah, you did good with Heretic.
BERT
Thank you, it's good to be
appreciated for something I do.
Bert looks into the camera.
DON
Why are you always going on about
The Farm?
BERT
That movie is great; the guy who
wrote it must be a genius. I don't
even know if he's ever written
anything else but at least he
touched many horror fans with his
script.
DON
Never seen that film, I'm not the
biggest fan of horror.
BERT
Nobody is that's why I like it.
DON
How about that Starbuck Starr
television series, now that's some
quality entertainment.
BERT
They only released one episode but
I thought it was great too.
DON
We're lucky you know because now
with Wesley out of the way we're
free to move on to an even bigger
menace.
BERT
You're finally going to go after…
Don smiles, he holds up a picture of a door with a sign
above it reading "A. SyCo"
FADE TO BLACK: