Your Cat is Dead
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This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved.
This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express
written permission of the author.
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Lights up on a simple living room. A woman,
MARTHA, is sitting on the couch, working on some
paperwork.
Suddenly, from offstage, we hear a loud thump, brakes
squealing to a halt and the ungodly noise of a cat
screaming/meowing in pain.
MARTHA puts down her things and looks at the "door,"
off stage left. A man, KENNETH, peeks his head in.
KENNETH
Uh...honey...
MARTHA
What was that noise?
KENNETH
Is Halle in the room?
MARTHA
No. Why?
KENNETH
Uh...nothing. Hang on.
(KENNETH retreats again briefly. He pops his head in
again.)
KENNETH
You're sure she's not, y'know, hiding under the sofa or something?
MARTHA
She's playing in the other room. Why?
(KENNETH enters fully now. He's carrying a sports
bag with a furry, stiff tail sticking out of one side.)
KENNETH
This is all I could find to put her in.
MARTHA
What is in the big, Kenneth?
KENNETH
No, it's...well...I mean, you're going to laugh.
MARTHA
What is in the bag, Kenneth?
KENNETH
You might laugh. I don't know. Maybe not.
MARTHA
Kenneth.
KENNETH
Promise not to kill me...but I ran over the cat.
MARTHA
You ran over Chelsea?
KENNETH
If that's what it's name was, then yes. I ran over Chelsea. It was an accident, though. I
was pulling into the driveway and I didn't see it there and then whoomp, I hit it.
MARTHA
Oh God, Kenneth. Do you have any idea what this is going to do to Halle? And
honestly, a sports bag?
KENNETH
I had to put it in something! I don't want her walking in and seeing her dead cat sprawled
out on the couch. The sports bag was the only thing I had in the car that was big enough
to fit it.
MARTHA
Why's the tail sticking out then?
KENNETH
I tried to bend it down, but I thought it would snap off. By the time I'd hit it and
realized that I'd hit it, rigor mortus started kicking in and the damn thing got so stiff that I
had to just throw it in there. I don't get it, apparently cats go through this stuff a lot
quicker.
MARTHA
Jesus.
KENNETH
Must have been on it's last life, though, huh? Cause it sure isn't coming back or
anything.
MARTHA
Oh my God. You're pleased, aren't you?
KENNETH
What?
MARTHA
I can see it in your face. You're getting some sick satisfaction out of the fact that you
killed the cat.
KENNETH
That's preposterous! I loved Kelly!
MARTHA
Chelsea.
KENNETH
I loved Chelsea! I mean...y'know...it's just...
(beat)
You know that cat had it in for me since day one!
MARTHA
Aha! Kenneth, it's a cat. It sits around licking itself all day. It didn't "have it in" for
anyone.
KENNETH
Oh ho, of course you never noticed it. It was fine to you. But the minute I walk in, it
plops itself down in my favorite chair. You know, that chair is far closer to the television
than the other chair. That's why it's my favorite chair. A far better view from that chair.
But no no...the cat always got the chair because it was the cat and it could do whatever it
wanted.
MARTHA
You could have just moved the cat.
KENNETH
Then I would be the bad guy! Halle would blame me for making the cat uncomfortable
while I'm sitting over in the chair of despair.
MARTHA
The recliner in the corner?
KENNETH
The chair of despair! There's always an awkward glare on the TV screen! How is a man
supposed to enjoy his Trading Spaces when there's a glare on the screen? Hm? I dare
you to tell me how.
MARTHA
But that's still no reason to kill the cat!
KENNETH
I accidentally ran over it. I didn't kill it.
MARTHA
Honestly, Kenneth, right now I believe that like I believe a hole in the head.
KENNETH
You're mixing metaphors now, dear. But you know what else? You always let the cat
sleep next to you. I'm all comfortable with my spot in bed, I get up to brush my teeth, I
come back and there's the damn cat getting all snuggly with you!
MARTHA
That's what cats do, Kenneth.
KENNETH
It was putting the moves on you and you know it.
MARTHA
So now you're accusing me of having an affair with the cat?
KENNETH
I wouldn't put it past the bastard. He was a wily one, he was.
MARTHA
This is why I wanted to go to counseling, Kenneth. You're always making these insane
accusations. Last week you claimed the lamp was getting fresh with me.
KENNETH
"Clap on, clap off" my ass.
MARTHA
My mother tells me you're insane. My sister tells me you're insane. Your therapist tells
me you're clinically insane and should be institutionalized. But no! I say "oh you must
be overreacting" or "oh you must have just caught him in a bad mood." After this,
though, I'm not so sure that they were wrong.
KENNETH
Ha! You think you can trust therapists or sisters or mothers? They're just pushing their
own agendas, sweetheart. The sooner you understand that, the better.
MARTHA
I can't even talk to you.
KENNETH
What does my mental health have to do with the cat anyway?
MARTHA
Just forget it.
(beat)
You're going to have to tell Halle, you know.
KENNETH
Not necessarily...
MARTHA
You just ran over her best friend. I think you have to tell her.
KENNETH
I can go to the shelter and get one that looks just like it. They did that in...uh...what was
it? Meet the Parents?
MARTHA
She'll be able to tell.
KENNETH
No, Martha, kids are stupid, remember? She won't be able to tell as long as we act like
it's her old cat.
MARTHA
She's 10 years old. And I've told you to quit calling her stupid. It doesn't nothing for
her self esteem.
KENNETH
C'mon, I'll run down there right now. Bing, bang, boom, we've got ourselves a new best
friend for our little girl.
MARTHA
It's seven o'clock on a Sunday. I'm pretty sure the shelter is closed by now. I would
rather you just tell her anyway.
MARTHA glares at him for an extended moment. She
won't break. Neither will he. Until finally--
KENNETH
Fine! You win! I'll tell her!
(he yells offstage right)
Halle, can you come in here a moment?
(HALLE runs in.)
HALLE
What is it daddy?
KENNETH
Honey, I have something very important to tell you. It's a secret, just between you and
me.
HALLE
A secret?
KENNETH
Martha, can you leave us alone for a minute?
MARTHA
What?
KENNETH
I need to tell Halle a secret.
MARTHA
Oh, uh...right. I think I have to wash some vegetables in the kitchen anyway.
(MARTHA exits stage right.)
KENNETH
Alright, kiddo, I'm going to be straight with you.
HALLE
What happened, daddy?
(she notices the sports bag with the tail)
Did you get me a new stuffed animal?
KENNETH
What? Oh, that. Uh...yes! Yeah, I got you a new stuffed animal. Except, it's not quite
stuffed all the way yet, so I can't give it to you.
HALLE
What kind of animal is it, daddy?
KENNETH
To be honest with you, it's your dead cat.
HALLE
My--my what?
KENNETH
Your dead cat. See, your mom ran over her a little while ago. I think she may have had
something against it and killed it out of revenge or possibly even passion.
HALLE
(starting to sniffle a bit)
Whiskers is dead?
KENNETH
Wait, who's Whiskers?
HALLE
My kitty.
KENNETH
I thought it was named Chelsea.
HALLE
She asked me to change her name last week. I called her Whiskers because she had those
big long whiskers that I liked to cuddle with...
KENNETH
(to himself)
I knew the cat could talk.
HALLE
How am I going to cuddle with Whiskers now, daddy?
KENNETH
I don't know. I could get her stuffed and you could snuggle with her cold, lifeless body?
(HALLE finally breaks down and starts bawling.)
HALLE
(through tears)
Did Whiskers go to Heaven, daddy?
KENNETH
No. No, I'm pretty sure that cat is somewhere in Hell right now. But I'm sure Satan will
take good care of her. Cats love the heat anyway, right?
HALLE
Why did mommy kill Whiskers? Why?
KENNETH
Ask her yourself, kiddo. (to offstage) Honey, can you come back in here please?
(MARTHA comes back in.)
MARTHA
Oh, honey. Did daddy tell you what happened?
HALLE
Why did you kill Whiskers, mommy?!
MARTHA
What? I didn't kill Whiskers! Daddy did!
HALLE
Nu-uh. He told me that you did it for revenge! Why did you hate Whiskers, Mommy?
MARTHA
I didn't hate Whiskers...I loved Whiskers! Honey, plug your ears a minute.
HALLE
Yes mommy.
(HALLE plugs her ears.)
MARTHA
Kenneth, what the hell are you telling her?
KENNETH
I figured if I told her that you killed her cat, there wouldn't be as much psychological
scarring.
MARTHA
That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. I want you to tell her the truth.
KENNETH
Fine!
(HALLE removes her hands from her ears.)
HALLE
Are you two fighting?
KENNETH
No, honey, your mother is just being an ass. I want to tell you the truth, though. Your
mommy didn't kill Whiskers.
HALLE
She didn't?
KENNETH
No, she didn't. She would never have hurt Whiskers, because there's a very real
possibility she was screwing her on the side in some sick, twisted love triangle thing.
MARTHA
Kenneth! What are you doing?
KENNETH
I'm telling her the truth. You can't hide it anymore.
HALLE
Mommy, you didn't kill my kitty then? For real?
MARTHA
What? No! No, honey. I didn't do anything to your kitty. Anything. At all.
HALLE
Then where's Whiskers?
KENNETH
I thought we went over this. Whiskers is in Hell.
(HALLE's bawling starts up again. MARTHA pushes
KENNETH out of the way and kneels down to HALLE.)
MARTHA
Honey, listen...Whiskesrs went away, okay? Her time in this world was over and God
wanted her to come be with him up in Heaven.
HALLE
So Whiskers is with God?
KENNETH
(loudly whispering) She's in hell.
MARTHA
(whispering loudly back) Shut your mouth or I will run over you with the car. (back to
Halle) Yes, honey, Whiskers is in Heaven with God and with all of her kitty friends.
HALLE
Then what's that in the bag?
MARTHA
That's...well...that's a stuffed animal.
HALLE
I knew it! I knew there was a stuffed animal in there! You're silly, daddy!
KENNETH
Don't push me, you little--
MARTHA
Uh...honey! I think maybe you should go play outside for a bit. I'll bring you out some
lemonade in a few minutes.
HALLE
Isn't it too late to be outside?
MARTHA
It's not dark yet. Maybe you can catch some fireflies?
HALLE
Yeah!
(HALLE runs off stage left.)
MARTHA
What is your problem? I'm trying to put out a fire over here and you just keep pouring
on the gasoline.
KENNETH
I try to be blunt with the kid. I try to be honest. But no. Nobody wants honesty
anymore.
MARTHA
You told her I was screwing the cat, Kenneth. That's not honesty.
KENNETH
I still say I'm right. I know what was up between you two. Between the TV chair and
the bed, well...that little kitty sure got around.
MARTHA
Just leave.
KENNETH
And go where?
MARTHA
Somewhere. Just someplace that isn't here. Go find someplace and calm down or
something because...you're just...I don't even know what to do with you.
KENNETH
Oh I'll go. I'll go alright. Oh man will I go. Here I go, I'm going.
(KENNETH melodramatically walks to the door.
MARTHA won't look at him, but he's looking at her,
waiting for a reaction.)
KENNETH
You really want me to go?
MARTHA
Yes.
KENNETH
I thought we were just doing a---
MARTHA
No.
(Beat.)
KENNETH
Okay. Um...bye then, I suppose.
(KENNETH finishes his cross and exits. MARTHA sits
back down, exhausted. We hear the car engine turn on
and the car start backing up again and then-- WHUMP.
HALLE lets out a yelp. The brakes squeal to a halt again.
A door slams. Footsteps walking up.
KENNETH peeks his head in.)
KENNETH
Um...do we have any more sports bags?
BLACK OUT
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