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Credits
INT. PIZZA PARLOR, "OLD TYME PIZZA"
Fade in, we hear 2 voices arguing over batman
JASON
Well yeah, Keaton was good, but
West was the classic superhero, he
was some one you could look up to.
FREDDIE
But he was so corny, Keaton was the
tormented soul, he was dark and was
always haunted of why he was
Batman, HIS PARENTS were killed for
Christs sake! And the name alone,
"BATMAN", he was the dark knight!
JASON
But it got in the way of some good
ass kicking, Keaton would beat up
some thugs, then he would go and
whine and mope about his parents.
We all know they were offed, but
that shouldn't get in the way of
ass kicking! I mean ya he should
remember it , but the only reason
he started to fight crime was to
ensure it didn't happen to any
other kids! How can he do that if
he bitches and loses it everytime
he dishes out a bad guy?
FREDDIE
West was so unreal, he was a
cardboard super hero!
JASON
Wait a second you retard! Lets see
how real could it be when tis about
a guy WHO LIVES IN A CAVE AND
FIGHTS CRIME, I mean did you ever
see that giant penny down there?
FREDDIE
Jason you like superman, can you
tell how real that is?
JASON
SEE!
Jason takes a drink
FREDDIE
What?
JASON
Your trying to change the subject
because I'm right
FREDDIE
I'm just say--
But before he can talk a customer cuts him off
CUSTOMER
I thought George Clooney was better
than both of them if ya ask me.
FREDDIE AND JASON
GET THE HELL OUT!
CUSTOMER
Well give me my pizza!
JASON
Freddie show Mr. (looks at receipt)
Floyd here the door
Freddie opens the door and Jason drops the pizza on the
counter in an ignorant way
CUSTOMER
Well as rude as you are, at least
this pizza looks good
JASON
Yea, there's the door and heres
your finger (flips him off) please
come back to "Old Tyme Pizza"
FREDDIE
Ya George Clooney could lick my
ass, even Val Kilmer was better
than E.R. bitch
The customer hangs his head in disgust and slowly walks out.
Jason spits on the ground that he walked on
JASON
What the hell does that guy know
about comics?
FREDDIE
You gonna clean that shit up?
Cut to Jason getting up from the floor and Freddie drinking
an orange soda.
JASON
Man that pissed me off so much,
lets get outta here
FREDDIE
One, where are we gonna go? And
two, what if the boss shows up?
JASON
We get a whole 3 customers a day i
don't th--
FREDDIE
That because u scare them all away
Flash back to a person buying a pizza and waiting for it at
the counter
JASON (IN HIS UNDERWEAR)
GOD DAMN! I was opening the sauce
can and this big fucking rat came
and spilled it all.
Jason looks at the customer confused
JASON (cont'd)
What the hell are you dong here?
The customer then leaves in shock
FREDDIE
See what you did
JASON
Yeah, your right, now he knows that
we don't make our sauce fresh like
the flyers say (sarcastically) I
DIDN'T OPEN A CAN I UH PUT IT IN A
CAN
Freddie shakes his head in disgust
Cut back
JASON (cont'd)
That's not the point, the boss
ain't showin up and check this out
Jason holds up a flyer for play tryouts
FREDDIE
Play tryouts for Grease? I dunno, I
hate that movie. How ever I do love
the theatre.
JASON
Don't lie man you love that movie
Flash back to Jason walking into Freddie's room, Freddie is
singing along to Grease on his bed, he's naked.
FREDDIE
DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!
Freddie puts a pillow over his crotch
Cut back
FREDDIE (cont'd)
You said you'd never talk about
that again
JASON
Eh oh well, CMON! LETS GO MAN!
FREDDIE
Whats the worst that could happen?
JASON
Its right near here, but first we
gotta get back to the house and get
some clothes
FREDDIE
Oh
Jason puts up a closed sign, its noon
Freddie comes out of the house in a "grease" shirt while
Jason comes out in a dress
FREDDIE (cont'd)
Do you really think you got a
chance?
JASON
You never know
They arrive at the auditions, its an abandoned school
FREDDIE
Are you gonna take that fuckin
thing off? I thought you were
dickin around, ya got no chance!
JASON
More so than that guy
Pan over to a fat guy in a dress
FREDDIE
Yeesh, guess your right there
JASON
Hey man, were up next
They walk to the stage, but before they do one more person
has to go
PLAY TRYER
Hi, my name is Robert and id like
to try out for the play
PLAY INSTRUCTOR
Well lets see what you got
PLAY TRYER
OHHHHH, who lives in a pineapple
under the --
PLAY INSTRUCTOR
STOP! First off, that's not even
the play were here for, and
secondly, that was horrible!
FREDDIE
Hey that wasnt bad, and if Sponge
bob was a play, it could kick
Grease's ass any day
PLAY INSTRUCTOR
I did notice that many of you seem
to be trying out for the play
"Grease". Well then your all
mistaken, you see, if you read the
wording carefully, it says that
there is play tryouts FOR grease,
not the play, the fat liquid
substance
PLAY TRYER
Well then what is the play for?
PLAY INSTRUCTOR
"Tooty fruity and pirate pals go to
club med"
Everyone leaves the room except for Jason and Freddie
FREDDIE
I say we leave too
JASON
Hey man, extra dough is extra dough
any way around
PLAY INSTRUCTOR
Mmmmmm I'm glad you two stayed, i
like you mmmm mmmm mmm
FREDDIE
Lets quickly and quietly--
JASON
You FUCKING FREAK! RUN!!!
Freddie starts to run towards the door
JASON (cont'd)
Wait up
FREDDIE
Hurry up fat stuff before they
grease ya up and fry ya for the
kids!
Freddie gets out first, Jason keeps going and the door closes
on him, and gets hit in the face
Freddie hears the bang and opens the door
FREDDIE (cont'd)
Whoa, you alright
JASON
Ya ill be fi--
Jasons tooth falls out, in the distance is some one else
walking down the street in a dress
JASON (cont'd)
Freddie, is that Lee?
Lee sees them and runs up to them
FREDDIE
Hey Lee, your too late, the tryouts
are over
LEE
Dammit, Why? Did you get the part?
JASON
No its just a long story
LEE
What happened
JASON
WE GOT VIOLATED!
There's an awkward moment
Cut to them walking down the street
FREDDIE
How the hell can you even think
that the best Batman was from the
animated series?
LEE
HEY! No now let me explain, the 1st
edition sucked and the JLA one was
just ok. But the second edition was
by far the best. He was meaner and
had the better costume
FREDDIE
That doesn't make any god damn
sense
LEE
And he had hotter sidekicks
JASON
The show was made for 6 year olds,
they cant have hot women in them
FREDDIE
Thats bullshit and you know it,
what about Betty Boop?
JASON
Ya but she was made in war time for
the troops.
LEE
Id bang her, maybe pop eye too
Jason and Freddie shake
They arrive at the pizza shop to find there boss extremely
pissed
BOSS
Where were you two?
JASON
Grease tryouts
BOSS
GREASE TRYOUTS?? Listen you
retards, you better have a damn
good reason
JASON
Done blame me, Freddie made me go
to fulfill his "Olivia" fantasy
FREDDIE
Dude
BOSS
I've had it with you Fred, one more
mistake and your out of " OLD TYME"
Boss out of the scene still extremely pissed
FREDDIE
What the hell was that all about?
JASON
Just tryin to save my ass and yours
FREDDIE
What about me? How are you saving
my ass?
JASON
Dont worry man, he wont do
anything, ease up man
Boss comes back into frame
BOSS
Fred your fired
Boss walks away again
FREDDIE
I hate you so much
Freddie starts to walk toward the door
JASON
Where ya goin?
FREDDIE
I dunno
JASON
I'm comin
FREDDIE
(sighs) don't you have to stay at
work?
JASON
Not really he got all his anger out
firing you
FREDDIE
Your such an idiot lets go
The camera pans over to LEE
LEE
Hmmmmm i wish some one would
fulfill my "Donny Osmond" fantasy
Freddie and Jason stare at each other weirded out
FREDDIE
What?
LEE
Uhh not--
JASON
Your a fuckin freak
LEE
I aims to please
Cut to them in the backroom
FREDDIE
(sigh) where do i go to now?
JASON
I say we get your job back ,buddy
LEE
Im gonna get outta here, i gotta
job to get back to
FREDDIE
He can hold down a job?
JASON
Better than you can retard, heh
FREDDIE
I hate you
Cut to Freddie getting his things
FREDDIE (cont'd)
Geez this place had so many
memories.....uh, Ok this place
sucked but it was still home to me
JASON
Dude, your gonna be home in no time
then cause this is gonna work, lets
go to our home first though.
Cut to them walking in there house
JASON (cont'd)
Well your right, but i don't see
why ya don't just dress in a ghost
outfit and scare em into hiring you
back?
FREDDIE
Thats stupid as hell and my costume
is messed up anyways, it has some
burns on it from when you tried to
the Rocketeer for Halloween
Flash back to Halloween
FREDDIE (cont'd)
Trick or treat
WOMAN
Aren't you a little old to be trick
to treating
FREDDIE
Your never too old for candy
Jason then runs past the frame with his arm on fire and hes
tying to pat it out
JASON
AHHHHHHHHHHH
FREDDIE
He wanted to be the Rocketeer, but
his rocket must have blown up ,
last year we wanted to be the hulk,
so he went into a radiation plant
WOMAN
Wow
Cut back, Jason is pissing behind a door
JASON
True, I did burn everything around
me, but I didn't hurt myself.
Except for my ego and wellll ya
know....
FREDDIE
Is there still blood?
JASON
Only if I lay on it at night
FREDDIE
What about during the day
JASON
Shut up, always a joke with you
FREDDIE
So how are you getting my job back
JASON
Dude, don't worry, well come up
with something, you want some
smores?
FREDDIE
Do you even have to ask man? Hells
ya. But don't fuckin blow up your
house too
JASON
EXACTLY, my house, and it was a
mistake
Flash back to them at Freddie's house making smores
FREDDIE
Dammit, were out of crackers again
JASON
I already ate the hersheys
FREDDIE
Fat ass, it doesn't matter, the
marshmallows are the best part
anyway
JASON
Hell ya, but i forgot to tell ya,
the pilot light went out on the
oven again
FREDDIE
When?
JASON
Yesterday, maybe earlier
FREDDIE
WHAT! What would happen if we lit a
candle or something
JASON
What kind of fag are you man, I
like candles but we ain't lightin
them together
FREDDIE
I mean if the power went out
or......fuck it you have no clue
whats going on anyways.
FREDDIE (cont'd)
Ill open it up just give me a match
JASON
It wont open, I tried a minute ago
FREDDIE
Shit, what do we do now?
JASON
I got it covered baby!
Cut to them at the furnace in the basement
JASON (cont'd)
My god this is so uhhhhh
FREDDIE
Fucking stupid, yes i concur
JASON
NO! Its a camping word i think,
uhhhhhh OH were roughing it, ya
were tough and shit
FREDDIE
Making marshmallows on a heaters
little fire?
JASON
Yeah your right...
Jason walks out of the frame and then comes back with
gasoline
JASON (cont'd)
LETS KICK IT UP!
Cut to Freddies screaming and then the house blowing up
Jason and Freddie laying on the lawn
JASON (cont'd)
Dude you fucked up this time
FREDDIE
What am i gonna do now?
JASON
You can stay at my pad!
FREDDIE
Jesus....whats that?
Freddie sees a flaming collar and freaks out
FREDDIE (cont'd)
MISTER FLUFFS NOOOOOOOO
Flash back to them , but this time at Jason's furnace
FREDDIE (cont'd)
I cant believe you killed my cat
JASON
Ya but it was a really ugly cat man
FREDDIE
Doesn't this feel weird, like its
HAPPENED BEFORE
JASON
Uh huh?
FREDDIE
Your gonna kill us and blow up your
house you jackass
JASON
No this time I'm using propane,
Gas's more natural alternative...
FREDDIE
How about we just go outside
Jason is about to pour it into the furnace
JASON
Ya that works too
Cut to them in the back yard with a barrel
FREDDIE
Did you get the crackers?
JASON
Nope, i thought you were going to
FREDDIE
We always only get the
marshmallows, i don't think I've
actually had a smore
JASON
Neither have I , but I assume there
good
FREDDIE
Well, what are we gonna do about my
job?
JASON
I'm thinking man
FREDDIE
You don't think, and i know your
not thinking about the boss and my
job
JASON
Heh, nope i was thinking about Mr.
stay-puft, boy we love marshmallows
FREDDIE
Yeah...
Both look into the sky thinking about stay-puft, while
thinking of stay puft Jason knocks over the barrel by mistake
and the back yard catches on fire
FREDDIE (cont'd)
FUCK!!
JASON
Ah dammit, i messed up
FREDDIE
What do we do?
JASON
Uh get some water or ice or uhhh
jello something to put this out GO
Freddie runs and grabs a hose
FREDDIE
I'm comin
Jason drops down on the fire and begins rolling around
FREDDIE (cont'd)
What are you doing
Jason gets back up and pats out the fire
JASON
Stop drop and roll..what the hell
are you doing PUT IT OUT YOU TARD
Freddie runs over but the hose is too short and he falls
knocked out cold
JASON (cont'd)
Slackin on the job, ill do this
Jason grabs the hose and puts it out, Freddie then begins to
wake up
FREDDIE
(drowsy) whats going on? What time
is it?
JASON
Shit man, you got knocked out
quicker than the time when i
slipped somethin into your drink,
heh
FREDDIE
I had a dream though
JASON
Yea?
FREDDIE
I got my job back through the
universal art
JASON
Hard-core po--
FREDDIE
NO! Music, don't you have a band?
JASON
Yeah , The shit Weasels
FREDDIE
Can you change the name?
JASON
Why man?
FREDDIE
Maybe if you guys can play we can
draw a crowd big enough that the
boss will have to hire me back.
JASON
Ok, but the name stays, it goes
well with the band
FREDDIE
Alright start to make the proper
arrangements
JASON
Well see them tomorrow, till then,
you hit your head pretty heard you
better get some shut eye
FREDDIE
But when your contused you
shouldn't sleep right?
JASON
Too late, i already fed ya pills
when you were knocked out
FREDDIE
You assh- (falls asleep)
JASON
Heh, bastard
Jason goes to get a bowl of warm water
Cut to the next morning and Freddie wet himself
FREDDIE
DAMMIT not again
JASON
You gotta get help for that man
FREDDIE
Eh Fuck it, I'm hungry
JASON
I made some eggs, I didn't want
them all
FREDDIE
Cool
Freddie looks at the eggs, there purple with grease all over
them
FREDDIE (cont'd)
Uhh, ill pass
JASON
Ok , then well go and get something
from Mcdees on the way
Cut to them at McDonald's eating cheeseburgers
JASON (cont'd)
Alright I'm gonna get another, you
want anything? I mean , i know you
don't have a job and money has been
pretty tight lately
FREDDIE
It hasn't even been 24 hours you
fat fuck
JASON
I know, and yet its still tearing
you apart on the inside, heh
FREDDIE
Nah, I'm cool, I'm not that hungry
anymore
JASON
Then we gotta go, the band is
meeting us in an hour
FREDDIE
Where?
JASON
The old K-Mart
FREDDIE
Oh (looks confused)
Cut to them in front of one of those toy rocket ships in
front of K-Mart
JASON
You know what, we should steal this
FREDDIE
While I'm sure it has many other
uses besides "children's pleasure
toy" i just cant see it of being
any use in our house
JASON
Well what if we have a birthday
party for one of the kids in
school, I mean he'd want to ride it
wouldn't he
FREDDIE
Were grown men last time I checked
we didn't have any little kid---
oh, Wait you never graduated the
fifth grade
JASON
They said i have to be back on the
28th
FREDDIE
At least you'll be the biggest kid
in class
JASON
Screw you, and Ill be able to kick
there asses in basketball too
FREDDIE
You know i doubt that remember the
last time you tried to play
basketball
Flash back to him in a crowd of black people wearing 70's
style basketball gear
JASON
Lets get this party started
Then techno dance music blares and just quick cuts of Jason
getting embarrassed by street ball moves
Cut back to Jason and Freddie
JASON (cont'd)
You know I still think they cheated
Freddie looks out into the distance
FREDDIE
I think that's them
JASON
Who else would come to a closed K
Mart for a little bit of money
FREDDIE
Martha Stewart?
JASON
Cheap shot
FREDDIE
Piss off
The band rolls up in front of them, they look shabby but good
enough for Freddie *note- there are five members of the band
Guitar-snot, Drummer- mongo, Bass- Hevey Levey, and Jason as
the vocals, but he goes by the name of Zombie Pimp in the
band*
SNOT
Sup ,'Pimp who's the bitch?
JASON
He's my friend Freddie, he can play
a mean jug
SNOT
Wait a second, your name is Jason
and his name is Freddie, like
"nightmare" and "Friday" right?
Cut to Jason wearing a shirt from Friday the 13th and Freddie
wearing a shirt from nightmare on elm street
JASON
What are ya talkin about?
FREDDIE
Yes, very odd
SNOT
Er, nevermind
MONGO
So whats up anyways?
HEVEY LEVEY
Yeah?
JASON
Well Freddie fucked up his job and
now he's begging for our help
FREDDIE
I hate you so much
JASON (LOOKS AT FREDDIE)
But we still gotta help him and hey
a little publicity for the band
cant be all that bad
SNOT
So where we gonna play at?
JASON
At Old Tyme Pizza, the band plays ,
gets a strong showing, people buy
pizza and BICKITY BAM, Freddie has
his minimum wage job he so much
deserves
SNOT
Never been there, but you heard the
man, the zombie has spoken
JASON
Damn straight, we play on Friday
Band waves goodbye and drives away
FREDDIE
So are you guys any good?
JASON
Hell no, we suck ass dude, but
don't worry its all good man, well
create a little word of mouth, and
before ya know it you'll be back in
Old Tyme making pizzas
FREDDIE
Kick ass
JASON
Until then, just stay at the house
and Ill keep up with this
FREDDIE
Keep up? All you do is watch"days
of our lives" and eat the customers
pizza
JASON
But yet your the one collecting
unemployment, ironic isn't it?
FREDDIE
My god i hate you
Cut to Freddie at his house reading the classified, Jason
walks in naked
FREDDIE (cont'd)
Sauce again?
JASON
Fuck you
Jason goes into another room and changes, he comes back and
see Freddie looking for jobs. He rips the paper from him
JASON (cont'd)
THIS IS GONNA WORK MAN
FREDDIE
How? You've made plans before and
they've always ended up with fire
and the death of my loved ones
JASON
Dude, the only reason i blew up
your car is because I was making
smores and I didn't know there was
gasoline in the back
FREDDIE
Why would you light in a car, MY
CAR!
JASON
Shut up I was drunk and I locked
myself in. And its not like you can
resist the call of smores.
FREDDIE
So you've actually eaten a smore?
JASON
No i forgot the crackers but i was
really close, and we both know its
mister stay puft and the
marshmallow madness that keeps me
coming back for more
FREDDIE
Yeah
Both look into the sky thinking about marshmallows
Cut to them in the backyard roasting marshmallows
FREDDIE (cont'd)
So we got the band, but not the
money, then how do we spread word
of mouth?
JASON
Well we could hire some midgets to
dance in front of the store and
raise eyebrows
Freddie rubs his fingers together
JASON (cont'd)
Dammit
FREDDIE
Plus that's just stupid
JASON
I got an idea, this one time i was
tying to make copies, so the guy
fixin it was nice to me and gave me
free copies
FREDDIE
And......
Cut to Lee putting a hammer to a copier
Jason and Freddie are being applauded at the library
JASON
See man everything works out
Lee in the back ground being arrested
JASON (cont'd)
And no one gets in trouble
Cut to Freddie and Jason putting up nudie bar signs at the
pizza place, the signs say "featuring live bands and girls.
*In fine print* "girls and nudie bars are subject to change"
Cut to them at a park filled with children
FREDDIE
Why are we here?
JASON
Mess with the kids, cause a scandal
then BAM instant publicity
Time goes by and they just sit there bored
JASON (cont'd)
Dude what kind of men would come to
a park to mess with kids?
FREDDIE
Uhhhhh, men like Michael Jackson?
JASON
What is it with you and celebrity
cheap shots today?
FREDDIE
What? They were funny
JASON
Sure they were, anyway, I'm fuckin
hungry, were can go that's any good
FREDDIE
Nothing around here
JASON
What about that one bar?
FREDDIE
You got kicked out remember?
Flash back to Jason puking every where in a bar and then
getting thrown out
Cut back to them at the park
JASON (CONFUSED)
Nooooo, and I was drunk, thus I
remember nothing, so file that
under D for "duh"
FREDDIE
Jackass, hey what about that?
Shot of a kid about to eat his lunch
JASON
Hmm good idea
Jason grabs the lunch from the kid
KID
RAPE! RAPE RAPE RAPE!!!
Both of them begin to run away
FREDDIE
I was kidding
JASON (CHEWING ON FOOD)
HEY KIDS GO AND SEE THE SHIT
WEASELS AT OLD TYME PIZZA!
Cut to a news reporter at the park doing a special news
segment "perverts at the park"
REPORTER
This very park is where innocent
children were grossly ad wrongly
molested by what the children have
described of looking like this
A picture of bigfoot flashes on the screen
REPORTER (cont'd)
But a more reliable source have
found pictures of one of the child
molesters
Another picture flashes on the screen, it is a picture of
Jason in a bikini
JASON (V.O.)
Shit, that must of fallen out of my
wallet
FREDDIE (V.O.)
Why did you carry that around in
your wallet?
Camera pans over to show Freddie and Jason watching Tv
JASON
Nevermind that! We got instant
fame, this is more than enough to
get people talking
Cut back to television
REPORTER
Also, the man in the picture
screamed for the children to see
the *BLEEP* weasels at Old Tyme
Pizza. For your viewing pleasure we
have decided to recreate this
horrifying event
Cut to a black and white video of Jason (who looks nothing
like Jason, he's over age and has a scar on his face, an eye
patch and a hook for a hand) holding a kid up against a wall
JASON
YOU BETTER GO TO OLD TYME AND SEE
THE *BLEEP* WEASELS!
Cut back to reporter
REPORTER
As you can see, these men are
monsters and we will be protesting
if they play!
Cut to different people watching the news station
UNKNOWN MALE
Dude, we gotta check this out
UNKNOWN MALE 2
You know it
Unknown male 2 passes a bong to his buddy
Cut to different house
UNKNOWN FEMALE 1
Child Molesters! If he looks like
that I want him to molest me!
UNKNOWN MALE 3
Freak
Cut to different house
A couple dressed in bed leather bondage
WIFE
The weasels, sounds okay
HUSBAND
Yeah
A whip cracks
Cut back to Jason and Freddie
FREDDIE
Well I gotta admit, we are a real
attraction now.
JASON
Yup, well we better hit the hay, or
I had anyway. I still have a job to
go to.
FREDDIE
HA! Like you would ever go to work
on time.
JASON
Ohhh Ill show you, smartass
Jason storms into his room
Cut to next day with Freddie waking up walking into living
room and seeing Jason playing Super Mario Brothers
FREDDIE
Hmm a genuine classic, Super Ron
Jeremy Brothers
JASON
Shut up man (giggles) I'm in the
zone
FREDDIE
THE COCK! JUMP JUMP! NICE JOB!
Shot of Mario jumping on a mushroom
JASON
Stop you asshole
FREDDIE
Okay beat that abusive husband, the
dragon or whatever the hell you
call it. Bang the WHORE! Damn you
Da man.
Shot of Mario kissing the princess
JASON
Hmm I thought she was gonna be in
another castle.
Freddie looks at a clock on his wall
FREDDIE
I though you were gonna go in
early, your already a hour late
JASON
FUCK!
Jason runs out of his house in his underwear
Later in the day at the pizza shop, Freddie comes in and
Jason greets him still without his pants
FREDDIE
Ya know, you should get some pants
on
JASON
Ya know, um Fuck You
FREDDIE (SIGHS)
Well its Thursday, What now?
JASON
Well we gotta get the bands stuff
in here
FREDDIE
The instruments?
JASON
Ya that too
FREDDIE
Uh, okay
JASON
But I lost my keys so were gonna
need yours
FREDDIE
Didn't you know where you going
JASON
I was very confused at the time
Freddie looks at him sternly
JASON (cont'd)
WHAT! The key broke inside of the
lock and then i got jumped
FREDDIE
It was the white house Jason
JASON
Well ya they told me that after the
cavity search, heh
Freddie shakes his head
FREDDIE
Anyway, when? Tonight?
JASON
Ya tonight after closing. Well just
turn off the cameras like usual and
go in a hour or so later.
Cut to later that night, there in front of the shop
JASON (cont'd)
Ok give me the key
Freddie tries to take the key off the ring but he messes up
and it falls into the sewer
FREDDIE
FUCK
JASON
Can i count on you for anything?
Don't worry , there's an opening a
couple of blocks down.
FREDDIE
How do you know
JASON
Woke up there once
FREDDIE
Ugh sounds disgusting.
Cut to them in the sewer with flashlights
JASON
This is kinda like that movie "IT",
and the part where the clown was in
the sewer with the kid who lost his
paper boat. An the clown offered
him some balloons, remember that?
FREDDIE
Shut up man, I hated that movie
JASON
You mean it scared the sh- wait
look over there.
A balloon floats past them
FREDDIE
Its probably just a flushed condom
JASON
Yeah, that's all
A paper boat floats past them
FREDDIE
C'mon, lets hurry up
JASON
I'm scared
FREDDIE
Me too, me too....
They farther down and by the end there holding each other
when Freddie sees the key
FREDDIE (cont'd)
There it is! Lets get the hell
outta here
Jason sees a red clown wig
JASON
AHHHHH!
FREDDIE
Oh SHIT!
They run out of the sewer and jump right into pool of water
Cut back to he pizza shop, low angle just showing there feet
when they walk in. There feet are soaked
FREDDIE (cont'd)
That really sucked
JASON
Yeah, the second time was worse
FREDDIE
Don't remind me, so wheres your
band with the instruments?
JASON
Should be any minute
FREDDIE
I'm gonna go to the bath room and
clean up
JASON
Yeah
Freddie goes to the bath room and washes his hands, when he
comes back the band is there setting everything up
FREDDIE
When you guys get here?
SNOT
Just a minute ago. Whats your name
again?
FREDDIE
Names Freddie
SNOT
Oh yeah, like "nightmare" and
"Friday", heh
Cut to Freddie wearing the famous sweater and Jason wearing
the mask
JASON
I still don't know where your going
with that.
MONGO
Well, were done until tomorrow.
What time tomorrow
JASON
Same time, right after closing
SNOT
Cool, see ya then
The band leaves
FREDDIE
So that's it, you guys just play.
No practice or anything?
JASON
Nope, were just that damn good.
FREDDIE
I bet
The next day, Freddie is as nervous as can be sitting on a
couch. Hes listening to Jason snoring from his bedroom.
Freddie pounds on the wall to wake him up.
JASON
Some body better have died
FREDDIE
Shut up , its morning and like
always your running about an hour
late.
Freddie walks over to the bedroom
FREDDIE (cont'd)
My head fuckin hurts, you got
anything?
JASON
Ya pills in the bathroom
Freddie walks over to the bathrom and grabs some pill, while
Jason starts to get dressed and practice some songs. Freddie
walks back into the bedroom. Jason is wearing a skin tight
leather pants
JASON (cont'd)
Big day man. What ya think
FREDDIE
What ever floats your boat.
(giggles)
JASON
Piss off you fucker. You wouldn't
know stye if it bit you on the ass.
JASON (cont'd)
Well in those pants, Style wouldn't
have a hard time finding your ass,
heh
Jason looks at his ass and it is huge
JASON (cont'd)
Ya think the ladies will like what
they see?
FREDDIE
Um, yeah sure
JASON
HELLLS YEAH!
Cut to them at work, people walk in asking when the show will
start. There doing nothing as usual. Freddie has his face in
his hands while Jason is rolling dough listening to horrible
death metal. 2 concert goers enter
CONCERT GOER
Whens the show gonna start?
FREDDIE
Jesus Christ, TURN THAT FUCKING
SHIT OFF! Anyway sorry about that.
Around 8ish, K?
CONCERT GOER
All right man cool
He walks out while some one else walks in
CONCERT GOER 2
Whens the concert?
FREDDIE
About 8 or so (sighs)
CONCERT GOER 2
Whats wrong?
FREDDIE
Well I'm just on end about this
whole thing, Jason doesn't care,
but I'm scared about it
CONCERT GOER 2
Jason? THE JASON? OH MY GOD? Hey
Sarah look. JASON REALLY WORKS HERE
FREDDIE
Oh god dammit
Jason walks up to the counter
JASON
Whats up man?
FREDDIE
These people would like to meet you
JASON
Okay, hey hows it goin (looks
suave) hows it flowin?
SARAH
ITS REALLY YOU! Do you still have
the thong?
JASON
If I'm wearing it right now, would
you wanna see it?
SARAH
YES! Do you mind Ted?
TED
Not if its Jason!
SARAH
YAY!
JASON
YAY!
They walk into the bathroom together. Shot of a clock, it
moves one minutes. Jason walks out with his pants on
backwards with his thong in his hand
JASON (cont'd)
Oh yeah man
FREDDIE
There more out there for ya too
A shot of many people waiting in the parking lot. Some have
sighs saying "JASON"
JASON
Damn, this is big huh
FREDDIE
Real big
Some one new walks in the store. The person is wearing a
shirt with Freddie and Jasons heads on it and giant red X's
over them
PROTESTER
I presume you 2 are Freddie and
Jason
Freddie looks at the shirt
FREDDIE
Um, N-
JASON
Of course we are!
PROTESTER
Well then your are SINNERS, much
like the movies you represent, you
are sick monsters.
Cut to Freddie wearing the "nightmare" Sweater, hat and
glove. Jason is wearing the "Friday" Mask , machete and torn
up clothes
JASON
Why does everyone keep saying that?
Cut back to protester
PROTESTER
And further more, you two sh-
JASON
Get the hell outta here
Jason pushes the protester out of the pizza shop
FREDDIE
Geez, maybe the news story wasn't
such a good idea. I mean, yeah we
got fans but we also got psychos
like that hunting us down.
I don't think the boss will like
that very much.
JASON
C'mon man, don't wimp out now, Were
gonna get your job back and make a
shit load of money along the way
FREDDIE
I hope
Cut to outside where fans are yelling and waving. Freddie
walks on the stage
FREDDIE (cont'd)
The show will go on in 10 minutes
Jason walks on the stage, the crowd starts to chant "JASON"
FREDDIE (cont'd)
Wheres the guys at?
JASON
THERE THEY ARE! Here we go man
Jason runs off stage. The band goes to there instruments and
settles into them
SNOT
Were ready man
Jason comes back onto stage in a cape and a shirt proclaiming
himself as DA ZOMBIE PIMP
The boss drives up and see the crowd at first he's happy but
then he sees the sign for a concert, he gets pissed again. He
Runs out and interrupts Jasons entrance.
JASON
What the fuck fat man, oh wait hey
boss hows it goin, heh
BOSS
What the hell is going on here?
JASON
Listen this was mine and Freddie's
idea, were gonna play for these
people and the buy-in is at least 2
slices of pizza.
BOSS
Not a bad idea at all, you should
have told me though you little
asshole. I'm not hiring back
Freddie unless you make big bucks.
And even then, the only reason I
haven't fired you is because no one
else wants the job. I've been
looking
JASON
ALRIGHT, may I play now?
The boss looks at him angrily and walks down to the front of
the crowd. Jason goes to the band and talks to them a little
then he looks out to the crowd.
JASON (cont'd)
HELLO EVERY ONE! Were the Shit
Weasels and were here to ROCK YOUR
FUCKING SOCKS OFF! I hope everyone
bought some pizza?
cut to the crowd holding up pizza
JASON (cont'd)
Okay then. 1,2,3,4
Snot holds up his hand and gets ready to go down on the
guitar when some one fires a gun. The crowd panic and Jason
goes over to the boss whose been shot in the chest
JASON (cont'd)
WHO THE FUCK DID THIS!?
Cut to the top of a hill where a group of protesters are
standing, one has a rifle. They have signs " NO MORE CHILD
MOLESTERS"
PROTESTER
Thats what he gets for hiring
sickos
PROTESTERS (ALL)
YEAH!
They get in the van and drive away.
Cut back to Jason holding the boss and Freddie runs up
FREDDIE
What the fuck is going on?
BOSS
Jason.....
JASON
Yeah?
BOSS
Go into the back (coughs up blood)
heres the key
The Boss dies. Jason takes the key
JASON
FREDDIE, he's dead. FREDDIE HE'S
DEAD
The crowd goes AWW
FREDDIE
What did he mean by going in the
back
JASON
His little black secret box
FREDDIE
Lets go
Jason drops the body and the crowd follows him. They get to
the back and opens up the box. They find a will. Jason begins
to read the will out loud.
JASON
......and Whoever is under me in
seniority at Old Tyme Pizza shall
be become the rightful owner. And I
wish to be buried behind the store,
my greatest accomplishment.
Jason thinks to himself
JASON (cont'd)
Oh shit, im the boss now!
FREDDIE
You know what that means
JASON
No
FREDDIE
Ugh, you can hire me back now!
JASON
I guess I can, but I see no reason
too, you dont work very hard
FREDDIE
I work harder than you fat ass
JASON
Then why am I the boss?
FREDDIE
I hate you so much
Fade to black
Fade in epilogue
JASON (V.O.)
I made old tyme pizza more money
than it had ever made, with a hip
new set up and weekly concerts by
various bands. Rumor has it that
David Bowie is interested in a one
night show
Shot of Jason in a suit behind the counter he walks in front
of the counter. He's still in his underwear and is covered in
pizza sauce
JASON (V.O.) (cont'd)
I decided to hire back Freddie. He
seems content even though I pay him
minimum wage, heh
Shot of Freddie reading a magazine at the counter. People
walk behind the counter and get anything they want and he
doesn't care. He just flips a page.
JASON (V.O.) (cont'd)
Lee finally got a girlfriend who
would fulfill his "Donny Osmond"
fantasy. They are very happy
together
Shot of Lee crying tied to a chair, he's wearing a Donny
Osmond t-shirt
JASON (V.O.) (cont'd)
The boss was buried behind the
store as he wished. I swear I saw
him rise from the grave once, but I
did have alotta shots that
night.....
Shot of a spray painted tomb stone. It says: The boss, No One
Liked You.
Cut to black
JASON (V.O.) (cont'd)
And as for the protester who shot
our boss, he died of renal failure.