Indians scattered on dawn�s highway bleeding to the tune of ambient music. Jim Morrison slowly walks through the fog wearing leather pants, black shirt, puka shell necklace.
Jim: It was all a big hoax. As our good friend Cristobal never found out, they weren�t really Indians.
The bodies bleeding on the highway are now black midgets.
Jim: Those aren�t Indians. These are Indians.
Cut to religious Hindu festival in India
with lots of singing and bright clothing, people speaking in Hindi, cows
defecating.
Cut to three teenage males scavenging psilocybin mushrooms from a cow patty in Wisconsin.
Dave: Awesome! We�re gonna get so fucked up!
Billy: How do you clean the shit off? I don�t want to eat shit.
Dave: Why not, bro? These heifers are organic. It�s protein from the sacred cow.
Cut to the three teenagers in a suburban house.
Billy: I don�t feel so good. (Goes to the bathroom and vomits.)
Ryan: You alright, Billy?
Dave: Dude, I�m totally starting to feel it. (Gets the giggles, Billy vomits again, camera pans in on the brightly colored vomit, Indian raga fades in.)
Briefly cut back to Hindu festival.
Cut back to three teenagers on mushrooms, psychedelic special effects, camera pans in on a TV showing an episode of The Andy Griffith Show.
Cut to a Neanderthal tribe, a male approaches a female from behind and grabs her, wanting to have sex. She pulls away and yells at him in an extinct language. He tries again with the same result. This repeats several times.
Cut to a male punk rocker masturbating in an abandoned house.
Cut to man and woman having sex.
Cut to baby being born.
Cut to a man sitting in a jail cell.
Cut to a man being beheaded by a guillotine.
Cut to someone playing a drum solo.
Quick random cuts between couple having sex, baby being born, beheading by guillotine, and drum solo.
Cut to lounge singer singing "That's Life" to a bored audience of three people. One of the audience members finishes his drink, gets up, leaves, gets in his car, drives away and then has a violent head-on collision. The man, badly wounded, gets out of the car and runs, police sirens approach, he is chased through streets and alleys by police cars, and a police helicopter.
Cut to the Hindu festival in India.
Cut to the chase scene. The police fire 100 rounds into the man.
Cut to police station.
Detective: Nice work, Johnson. You just took down the biggest dealer in the greater Madison area. How does it feel to be a hero?
Johnson: It feels like-
Cut to couple having sex.
Cut to masturbating punk rocker in abandoned house having an orgasm.
Cut to police station.
Detective: Ha ha! You sure have a way with words, Johnson. I bet your wife's really gonna put out tonight. Make sure you give it to her hard. Tell her it's from me. (Laughs)
Cut to Neanderthal tribe, male repeatedly trying to have sex with female.
Cut to police station.
Detective: That's the ticket.
Cut to three teenagers high on mushrooms.
Ryan: I'm so fucking high.
Cut to the three teenagers smoking pot at a different time.
Dave: Dude, you know what we should do? We should totally get
some shrooms!
Cut to monkeys throwing feces at each
other in a zoo.
Cut to police station
Detective: You know, Johnson, I find myself very sexually attracted to monkeys. They say that man first contracted AIDS by having sex with a monkey, but I don't believe it. There's nothing as pure and beautiful as a monkey. Johnson, I'd like to show you some sexual drawings. (Shows Johnson some drawings of a house with people holding hands.) You know how I know my wife loves me? She drew these pictures for me. That's the only reason I don't leave her for a monkey. You understand me, Johnson? (Johnson doesn't respond.)
Cut to clowns juggling bananas. A monkey jumps and steals a banana from the air, runs away, the clowns chase the monkey through streets and alleys. The monkey eats the banana during the chase and drops the peel. One of the clowns slips on the peel to the sound of a slide whistle. The scene degrades into a Kestone Kops style chase.
Cut to Jesus' crucifixion. A Roman soldier stabs Jesus and says "Take that" in Latin.
Cut to inside of church with orgy taking place. Jesus is on the cross, looking on the crowd, a tear falls down his cheek.
Cut to Native American tribe gathered around a campfire. An Elder speaks.
Elder: When I lay me down to die, goin' up to the spirit in the sky. (points to the sky)
Cut to Jesus' crucifixion just as he
dies.
Cut to Native American tribe.
Elder: And as the days passed the earth grew hot like fire and the sun filled the sky. Many people lived underground where the heat couldn't find them. These earth people lost their sight as it was not needed anymore. The sky people landed to reap what they had sown. Many earth people were left behind. They held hands and sang the great song as the sun swallowed the earth, for they knew they were going home.
Cut to volcano spewing molten lava.
Cut to couple having sex.
Cut to baby being born.
Cut to man with toddler.
Man: And that, little Billy, is why Black Sabbath and not Led Zeppelin was the first heavy metal band. (Toddler stares in disbelief.)
Cut to Billy as a teenager dancing with
Native American tribe to rock music.
Cut to man speaking gibberish for approximately 30 seconds.
Cut to woman doing ballet.
Cut to woman giving man a blowjob.
Cut to volcano spewing molten lava.
Cut to brief scene of Grim Reaper video for "See You in Hell."
Cut to Jew on street.
Jew: I don't believe in hell.
Off-camera Interviewer: Why don't you believe in hell?
Jew: I'm Jewish. We don't believe in hell. Plus, I mean, a fiery pit? A horned devil that pokes you with a pitchfork? Isn't that kind of ridiculous? It's like a childhood... It's like a cartoon, you know? I only believe what I can see.
Off-camera Interviewer: You only believe what you can see?
Jew: Yeah, you know, with my eyes. Everything else is just bullshit, whatever.
Off-camera Interviewer: Are you a practicing Jew?
Jew: No, I haven't been to the synagogue since I was 16.
Off-camera Interviewer: What do you think about people saying that the Jews are hiding the Book of Knowledge?
Jew: What do I think? What do you think, Billy?
Cut to woman playing ascending E major
scale on xylophone.
Cut to Billy speaking to camera.
Billy: Dave, remember when I was dancing with those Indians?
That was weird.
Cut to man speaking gibberish.
Cut to woman walking poodle down Rodeo Drive. The poodle is wearing sunglasses. The woman walks the poodle to a doghouse which is shaped like a Giza pyramid. The poodle enters.
Cut to Freud sucking on a dildo. Freud stops, looks at the camera.
Freud: This is so Freudian.
Cut to three teenagers high on mushrooms, Billy staring into space.
Dave: This is so fucked
up.
I gave him 200 bones for a sack and the fucking cops gunned him down. How
am I gonna get my money back?
Ryan: I bet those fucking cops have it. Just go to the police station and say it's your money. They won't know that the money was for weed.
Dave: There's no fucking way. Are you kidding me? (Billy slowly turns his head.)
Billy: I have an idea.
Cut to Dave dressed like a monkey at the police station. The detective approaches him.
Detective: Well aren't you a sexy bitch? What's your name?
Dave: Lisa.
Detective: Well, Lisa, what can I do for you? Or should I say, what can you do for me?
Cut to back room of police station. Detective is having sex with Dave who is dressed like a monkey. Afterwards Detective hands Dave $200.
Detective: Here you go, sweety. Keep the change. (Dave vomits.)
Cut to Nancy Reagan.
Nancy: Just say no to drugs.
Cut to Tenderloin, people smoking crack.
Cut to real interview with street person.
Cut to Nancy Reagan.
Nancy: Just say no to drugs.
Cut to shot of graffiti mural.
Cut to three teenagers in suburban house.
Dave: I have 200 bucks. Let's go see Barney Cauldron tonight.
Billy and Ryan: Fuck yeah!
Cut to packed nightclub.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Barney Cauldron! (Barney Cauldron perform with a nude female dancer, crowd goes crazy.)