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COLD OPEN
INT. OFFICE - DAY 1
JIM, PAM, and KEVIN are gathered around ANDY playing a first
person shooter game on his computer.
JIM
Aw!
ANDY
Yes! You are now looking at the top
score holder! One try -- eat it Big
Tuna!
PAM
I got next!
DWIGHT watches over them near ANGELA. He wears a mysterious
deep red and black cloak with the hood draped over his head.
She is dressed up like a cat. She does not look at him.
ANGELA
Just go over there. I am sure they
would let you play if you ask.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
In cloak, hood down.
His hair is powdered gray, face pale -- sickly.
DWIGHT
For this Hallow's Eve, I am going as
a man with a terminal illness with
little time left to live. Touching,
I know.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - EARLY MORNING - SAME DAY
Shades drawn.
Dwight clicks open his brief case and takes out a red and
black garment, neatly folded. He places it on the table.
DWIGHT (V.O.)
(as Jigsaw)
Everyone is missing something from
their so-called lives, a piece of the
puzzle to make them whole.
He takes out a silver mini-cassette recorder marked "Play Me"
and places it next to the cloak.
DWIGHT (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(as Jigsaw)
I am here to simply point out what
part of the puzzle is missing. Their
faults will be tested.
He puts on the cloak.
DWIGHT (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(as Jigsaw)
They call me Jigsaw.
INT. OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER
They are now gathered around Pam. TOBY has stopped to watch.
TOBY
Looks like fun. Good job Pam.
JIM
I got next!
PAM
It won't matter Halpert. You'll have
a new score to beat.
KEVIN
You suck.
ANDY
No!
Dwight approaches.
DWIGHT
(as Jigsaw)
I want to play a game.
They ignore him.
END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION - DAY 1
Pam hands out candy from a bowl to a VANCE REFRIGERATION
EMPLOYEE and her young KIDS.
KIDS
Trick or treat!
PAM
Here you go. You're scary...
Kevin is captivated by the bowl of fun-size candy bars.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
I decided to not get dressed up this
year for Halloween. I'm going as Pam
because Pam is nice and friendly and
not Angela.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - A LITTLE LATER
Angela, with cat whiskers painted on her face, holds rolls of
streamers up for Pam and PHYLLIS to see.
ANGELA
(to Phyllis)
True or false? -- black and orange
are the only two acceptable colors
for Halloween.
PHYLLIS
I--
ANGELA
True! Then why did you also get
red?!
Dwight enters and reports.
DWIGHT
I just spoke to Michael. He said
there must be ice cream cake or
nothing. His words, not mine.
ANGELA
Ahhhhg!
Angela storms out. Dwight smiles -- turned on.
ANGELA TALKING HEAD
ANGELA
I am under a considerable amount of
pressure. Cupcakes or brownies,
plastic or paper plates... These are
all things to consider when planning
a party.
INT. OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER
SPY SHOT: Kevin stares at the bowl of candy resting at
reception. Dwight prepares for his next victim by rewinding
the tape recorder at his desk. Jim watches.
JIM (V.O.)
So, Dwight is dressed up as a
homicidal maniac for Halloween. No
real surprise there.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
At this point I'd like to tell the
camera crew, "I told you so."
Seriously, "I told you so." Be
careful.
TOBY TALKING HEAD
Under the talking head, there's a shot of Dwight playing the
mini-cassette recorder for STANLEY. He rolls his eyes.
TOBY
Dwight made a tape for every employee
at the Scranton branch basically
pointing out what he considers as our
faults. Including one for Hank, the
security guard -- some complaint
about traffic cones.
EXT. PARKING LOT - SAME DAY
HANK hand-trucks a portable handicapped parking sign and
places it in front of Dwight's car.
INT. OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER
MICHAEL enters for the day. He is wearing a chocolate brown
vampire cape and carrying a grocery bag.
MICHAEL
(as vampire)
Happy Hallow-veen everyone!
Michael TAPS at reception.
PAM
Oh, hey Michael. Happy Halloween.
MICHAEL
Thank you, Pam. I love your costume.
Pam looks to the camera -- huh? I'm not wearing one.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Hey Dwight. You just got a ticket on
for parking in the handicapped spot.
Good job.
Dwight jolts to the window.
DWIGHT
(to self)
Again! Damn it!
MICHAEL
Way to be sensitive to all of our
cripple friends. I think you should
start by apologizing to Creed.
CREED
But I'm not handicapped.
MICHAEL
You're old -- that's close enough.
Still a disability.
(then)
So, is everyone ready to par-tay?!
(to Pam)
Has the ice cream cake been ordered?
What do you say Kevin? Ice cream
cake. Yum.
Kevin nods, salivating. Jim raises his hand.
JIM
Who are you supposed to be?
MICHAEL
Only the bestest costume ever... I
will give you a clue.
Michael inserts buck teeth into his mouth and grabs his cape
for dramatic flair...
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
(as vampire)
I vant to eat your cereal. I vant to
eat your cereal... No vone?
Jim raises his hand.
JIM
I know. Frankenberry.
Kevin smirks -- "Jim is so messing with him."
MICHAEL
Frankenberry is a Frankenstein's
Monster who likes berry-flavored
cereal. I'm--
JIM
Right. That's you. You're
Frankenberry.
Michael holds up a box of Count Chocula next to his face.
MICHAEL
Really...
KEVIN
Yeah, I totally used to eat that all
the time. Frankenberry.
Michael looks to the camera, frustrated. Pam smiles at Jim.
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER
The box of vintage Count Chocula cereal rests on his desk.
Dwight draws an exaggerated widow's peak on Michael's forehead
with a brown dry-erase marker.
DWIGHT
Do not sweat.
MICHAEL
(impatient)
Come on, come on...
(then)
What are you supposed to be again?
DWIGHT
(as Jigsaw)
Everyone is missing something from
their so-called lives, a piece of the
puzzle to make them whole. I am here
to simply point out what part of the
puzzle--
He stops listening and SHUSHES him with his hand.
MICHAEL
(excited, to camera)
Cause I'm Count Chocula.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
Why Count Chocula? Because
Frankenberry is for sissies, like Jim
and Kevin. And Booberry is for
girls--
Actually, when I was a boy my mother
wouldn't let me eat any of the
"sugar" cereals, like Cap't Crunch,
et cetera... I was prone to night
terrors. But one Halloween, my
mother's boyfriend at the time -- I
don't remember his name. There were
many -- bought me a box of Count
Chocula behind her back...
He raises the box for the camera.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
This box of Count Chocula. I don't
think they even make this stuff
anymore. The milk would even turn
chocolate!
He shakes the box -- a look of surprise. He looks inside.
INT. OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER
SPY SHOT: Pam plays a Halloween version of solitaire on her
computer.
She looks up to find the silver mini-cassette recorder marked
"Play Me" in front of her. She is curious.
Dwight stands at the copy machine. He smirks in anticipation.
Pam hesitates but presses 'play' anyway...
TAPE HISS.
DWIGHT (V.O.)
(over mini-cassette, as
Jigsaw)
Pamela Beesly, your inability to
decide between Jim and Roy has
debilitated your life. I am giving
you the opportunity to set yourself
free... I want to play a game. You
must go out on a date with Mose
Schrute. Note -- like all Schrutes,
he is an expert grappler so don't
even think about escaping...
MOSE, Dwight's cousin, enters the office with a bouquet of
wild flowers and polo shirt.
DWIGHT (CONT'D)
(to Mose, intense whisper)
No, not yet.
Dwight shoos him away. Mose is disappointed. Jim looks to
the camera.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Mose doesn't get out much. The only
regular female contact he's had was
with his mother and she coddled him.
(then)
I haven't been coddled since I was
three months old. This is why I have
never lost a feat of strength to
Mose.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
The task I was given to complete was
to sell more paper in one week than
Dwight -- which prompted Jigsaw, on
the cassette, to laugh
uncontrollably.
INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
JIM
(into phone)
Thank you, Sir. I will tell Dwight
you said hi. Thanks.
He hangs up and leans back on his chair, arms behind his head
and satisfied.
Dwight plays the mini-recorder for MEREDITH, who is dressed
like a Native American Indian. Inaudible.
JIM (V.O.) (CONT'D)
While Dwight was playing Jigsaw all
morning, I answered his sales call
for Camera Hut -- the largest
regional buyer of our sixty-five
pound bond laser photo paper.
Back to Jim, satisfied.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
Task completed... Thanks Dwight.
INT. OFFICE - ACCOUNTING - A LITTLE LATER
Angela shows Kevin what a FedEx envelope looks like. He nods.
ANGELA (V.O.)
Kevin has requested more
responsibility...
ANGELA TALKING HEAD
ANGELA
Today I am training him to pick up
our paychecks from FedEx downstairs.
He will have this responsibility once
every two weeks.
INT. OFFICE - ACCOUNTING - CONTINUOUS
ANGELA
Kevin, what do you do first?
KEVIN
I wait for Pam to tell me that FedEx
has arrived.
Michael walks up to them, trying to hold back laughter...
ANGELA
What do you do second?
KEVIN
I go downstairs... And sign for the
package.
ANGELA
Good. What do you do third?
He thinks for a beat.
KEVIN
I come directly back upstairs, no
stops, and give the package to either
you or Oscar.
Angela smiles like a proud teacher. Oscar fist bumps him.
ANGELA
Correct.
Michael giggles. Angela turns to him, annoyed.
ANGELA (CONT'D)
What is it Michael?
MICHAEL
Oh nothing... Hey, I was just
wondering. You used to work for
FedEx, right?
ANGELA
No, Michael. Why?
MICHAEL
That's funny. Cause I thought I just
saw you checking out my package.
He points to his trousers.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Get it? My package?!
Michael busts out laughing. Angela fumes. Kevin laughs too.
KEVIN
Good one Michael.
Angela storms off.
MICHAEL
Come on Angela! You should have seen
it coming! Oscar saw it coming!
(re: crotch)
Right, Oscar?
Oscar is not pleased as Michael has to lean on their desk to
catch his breath from laughing so hard.
KEVIN
That is so great.
OSCAR TALKING HEAD
OSCAR
Would it be rude to say that I didn't
see it coming?
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
And then I--
(points to trousers)
Package...
Back to laughing histerically.
INT. OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER
Dwight sits down at his desk and downs a whole bottled water.
Jim watches. He finishes.
DWIGHT
(to camera)
Changing lives makes me thirsty.
Phyllis glares at him -- a definite sign of resentment.
PHYLLIS
(to KAREN, whispers)
He called me fat.
JIM
Dwight, did you leave your tape
recorder in the conference room?
DWIGHT
Jim, don't be an idiot. I have it
right here. A surgeon never forgets
his tools.
JIM
Hmmm? That's odd..?
Dwight looks to Jim, then to the conference room.
SPY SHOT: On the conference table sits another silver mini
cassette recorder labeled "Play Me." Next to it is a cassette
labeled "Dwight" and a pair of Hello Kitty sunglasses.
He gets up and looks around the conference room from the
window, fogging it with his breath. He looks to Jim, then
back to the conference room, concerned.
DWIGHT (V.O.)
Is it possible that Jigsaw is a real
person? No--
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Dwight reaches for the recorder but stops himself, hesitant or
nervous.
He walks back and forth as he tries to psych himself up to
take it.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Make that definitely a maybe. There
is always a chance that the movie was
based on true events.
INT. OFFICE - JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS - A LITTLE LATER
Dwight stares to the conference room, bewildered.
SPY SHOT: the recorder rests on the table untouched.
DWIGHT (V.O.)
Therefore, I have to take proper
precautions because my chances may be
based on true chances.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. BREAKROOM - LATER - DAY 1
Dwight picks a snack from the vending machine. Jim and Pam
sit at the table, sharing corn chips. KELLY enters, wearing
the same cloak but dressed up as Little Red Riding Hood
instead.
KELLY
Oh, hey guys.
PAM
Hey Kelly. You look cute.
KELLY
Thanks.
Kelly takes out a dollar but suddenly stops in her tracks...
KELLY (CONT'D)
Oh my God. I can't believe someone
is wearing the same outfit as me!
This is like so embarrassing.
Dwight turns around to see that she wears the same cloak.
JIM
Dwight, why are you dressed up like
Little Red Riding Hood?
Dwight scowls at Kelly.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
I detest Little Red Riding Hood.
Question -- how hard is it to
identify a wolf? I can identify a
wolf from three hundred yards. And I
have.
(then)
No sheep have ever been taken on my
watch.
INT. KITCHEN - A LITTLE LATER
Meredith waits to get into the fridge after Phyllis.
Phyllis looks behind her and sniffs something offensive. She
leans in to Meredith to whisper...
PHYLLIS
(judgemental)
You smell like a bar.
MEREDITH TALKING HEAD
She pops a cough drop into her mouth.
MEREDITH
(belligerent, to crew)
There. Better?
She leaves the interview, angry.
INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
Kelly walks past Andy.
ANDY
Wow, great costume Kelly. Sexy.
KELLY
Thanks Andy.
Andy looks to the camera -- what do you think? KAREN catches
Kelly turning to look back at Andy as she walks away.
KELLY TALKING HEAD
KELLY
(sweetly)
Andy? I don't know. I'm pretty sure
he knows all my favorite N'Sync
songs. So that's super cool.
INT. OFFICE - EARLIER TODAY
Andy is at the copy machine.
ANDY
(in song, to self)
It might sound crazy but it ain't no
lie. Baby, bye, bye, bye...
Kelly admires from a far.
KELLY TALKING HEAD
KELLY
Oh and he totally thinks TomKat is
the best Hollywood couple.
INT. OFFICE - ANDY'S DESK - A LITTLE LATER
SPY SHOT: Andy surfs Myspace.
ANDY (V.O.)
What music does she like? Hollywood
couples? That's easy. I went to her
Myspace page-- Ever heard of it?
Kelly's Myspace profile page, "Kelly(hearts)Ryan." Her avatar
photo is of her kissing a reluctant RYAN on the cheek.
ANDY TALKING HEAD
ANDY
She doesn't know it yet, but she just
received a comment from "The
Everlasting Drew-stopper." Thanks
for the add.
INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION - A LITTLE LATER
Michael approaches reception. He looks to the camera -- watch
this.
MICHAEL
Wow, look at all of this chocolate.
May I?
Michael picks up the bowl of fun-size. Kevin stares.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
I'm having trouble deciding. So many
choices...
He pours the whole bowl into his mouth -- most of it hits the
floor. He makes cookie monster sounds.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Yum, yum, yum...
Pam stands up to look at the mess.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
I am making Michael go out to buy
some more fun-size candy bars because
they all touched his mouth. A lot of
us are claiming "Cooties."
KEVIN TALKING HEAD
KEVIN
That's candy abuse.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
I really don't see what the big deal
is... I have great memories of
having cooties as a kid. I was like
the cootie king. In fact, I was
usually stuck with them all day cause
the other kids had "shots" and "no
touch-backs"...
INT. BREAKROOM - A LITTLE LATER
Karen sits at the table alone circling want ads in the news
paper.
Meredith walks past the window, using the wall to balance
herself.
KAREN TALKING HEAD
KAREN
No one talks to me anymore and Radio
Shack is hiring.
INT. OFFICE - JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS - CONTINUOUS
Dwight cannot concentrate on his work. He looks over to the
conference room -- it is haunting him.
DWIGHT
(intense, to self)
That's it. I'm going in. I have to
know.
Dwight crosses to the conference room. Jim watches.
INT. OFFICE - LATER
RING. Pam answers.
PAM
Hello, Dunder Mifflin. Pam
speaking... Okay, I'll send someone
down.
She hangs up. She looks over the accounting cubical wall.
PAM (CONT'D)
Kevin, FedEx is here.
KEVIN
Thanks Pam.
Kevin looks nervous. Oscar fist bumps Kevin.
KEVIN (CONT'D)
Thanks Oscar. I can do this.
Kevin gets up. Angela waits.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dwight contemplates the items on the table one last time.
He jumps to pick up the recorder and quickly puts in the tape
labeled "Dwight." He presses 'play'...
TAPE HISS. He listens intently.
JIGSAW (V.O.)
(over mini-cassette)
Dwight K. Schrute. For hours you
have been pretending to be me. I've
been watching.
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Angela escorts Kevin past reception to the exit. Oscar
follows.
JIGSAW (V.O.)
You have much to hide behind your
costume. Secrets that loved ones
depend on you to keep. I wonder how
they would feel if you betrayed them?
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
JIGSAW (V.O.)
(over mini-cassette)
Play time is now over, Dwight...
I want to play a game.
He looks down to the recorder in his hand, nervous.
JIGSAW (V.O.) (CONT'D)
(over mini-cassette)
Here are the rules. In front of you
is a pair of sunglasses. You must
wear these sunglasses at all times or
your precious secrets will be exposed
for what they really are...
INT. HALLWAY/ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS
The elevator door closes in front of Angela and Kevin...
JIGSAW (V.O.)
A hidden life shared by nobody except
yourself. Your task starts...
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dwight quickly puts the sunglasses on over his glasses.
JIGSAW (V.O.)
(over mini-cassette)
Now. I will be watching.
Suddenly, the lights start to flicker on and off -- power
surges.
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Computer monitors flicker with the lights.
Dwight enters from the conference room.
PHYLLIS
(to Stanley, concerned)
What's going on?
Stanley doesn't look up from his crossword puzzle.
Phyllis shoots him a look.
ANDY
(panicked)
Stanley, please stay calm!
Stanley rolls his eyes.
JIM
Nice sunglasses, Dwight.
Dwight looks around, serious.
DWIGHT
Nice brain, Jim.
(then)
Pam! Activate the emergency
procedures! Section three, sub
section two!
Pam looks to Dwight, then to Jim -- huh?
DWIGHT (CONT'D)
(shocked)
I gave them to you in the March of
two thousand five.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
Dwight holds a hefty binder labeled "Emergency Procedures."
DWIGHT
All together I compiled twenty-three
sections, each with at least nine sub
sections. Section two dealt with
terrorist attacks.
Under the talking head, there is a shot of Dwight adding a
photograph of SADIQ, the Muslim IT tech to the binder. It is
labeled "NOT A TERRORIST."
DWIGHT (CONT'D)
Section thirteen dealt with
supernatural disasters. Thirteen,
sub-section eight is what to do in
case the office is under attack by
brainless zombies.
(then)
I called that one "The Kevin
Protocols."
INT. KITCHEN (FLASHBACK) - MARCH 2005
Pam places the hefty binder in back of the cleaning supplies
under the sink. She closes the cabinet door and walks away.
DWIGHT (V.O.)
I only made one other copy. Which
was to be placed in a convenient
location and properly labeled in case
of an emergency.
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
More flickering...
Toby walks up to Jim and Pam.
TOBY
Should we be exiting?
(to Dwight)
Are those Hello Kitty sunglasses?
Suddenly, the lights go out with a POP! People jump.
ANDY
(Bleep)!
Dwight hits the floor.
Pam grabs Jim's hand. Karen spies it.
KAREN TALKING HEAD
KAREN
Radio Shack.
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
The emergency lights go on. The office is now dimly lit.
Dwight army crawls to his desk.
He flicks on a high-powered flash light and points it in every
direction. It HUMS with power. He stands.
DWIGHT
Do not be alarmed! This is a
standard issue fireman's search lamp!
I am scanning the perimeter!
SPY SHOT: Meredith raises her hands over her head as if she is
being arrested. Andy is blinded by the light.
ANDY
I can't see!
Andy trips over a garbage can. CRASH.
ANDY (CONT'D)
Ow! My knee! (Bleep)!
DWIGHT
Everyone please stay calm! There is
no reason to panic! Has anyone seen
Michael?
PAM
I sent him to get candy.
DWIGHT
Good, then I will set up my search
and rescue team.
JIM
Wo! I thought you were Jigsaw?
DWIGHT
After the emergency is over. Right
now, I will appoint Pam and Oscar to
my team. Pam--
JIM
Oscar is not here--
DWIGHT
Fine. Then I pick... Stanley.
STANLEY
The only thing I am searching for is
a six-letter word for idiot. The
first letter is a "D."
KAREN
Who are you rescuing anyway? We're
all still sitting here.
ANDY (O.C.)
A little help?! Please?!
Oscar runs in from the hallway, frantic. He holds the FedEx
package.
OSCAR
Kevin and Angela never made to the
FedEx guy! I think they're stuck in
the elevator!
PHYLLIS
Oh my God!
JIM
Can you hear them in there?!
ANDY
Someone call '911'... I think I
really hurt my knee!
The office exits to the hallway. Andy still lays on the floor
clutching his knee.
As Dwight exits to the hallway, he reaches inside the office
plant and pulls out a crow bar, confident.
DWIGHT
Amateurs...
A MYSTERY PERSON dressed as a ghost in a simple white sheet
crosses to the kitchen and opens the fridge.
ANDY
(spooked)
Who's there?! Stanley? Karen?
Kelly?!
INT. DOWNSTAIRS LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
Michael waits for the elevator and presses the 'up' button a
couple times. He carries a bag of fun-size candy bars.
Hank rushes past him to the stairs. CHATTER rings from his
two-way.
Michael watches him pass, unaffected.
He pushes the button one more time and looks to the camera --
what gives?
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD - LATER
DWIGHT
One thing I've learned from movies...
In times of emergency, in times of
panic, a leader must rise to the
occasion. The Poseiden Adventure,
The Towering Inferno... All the
Harry Potter movies. I was born to
watch people lead. No, wait. I was
born to--
Jim pops his head in...
JIM
The firemen are here.
DWIGHT
Follow me Jim.
JIM
No, you follow me.
He does.
INT. HALLWAY/ELEVATOR - MOMENTS LATER - STILL DAY 1
Everyone stands around the elevator door. FIREMEN just
arrived to the scene.
FIREMAN ONE
Has anyone made contact?
OSCAR
Yes, they seem to be okay. A little
panicked at first, but I talked them
through it.
Dwight enters next to Kelly. He scowls at her again.
FIREMAN TWO
Good--
DWIGHT
Who is the commanding officer here?
FIREMAN ONE
I guess I am. Who are you?
DWIGHT
I'm--
Michael enters.
MICHAEL
Count Chocula...
Michael introduces himself with a hand shake. His widow's
peek is smeared slightly from sweating.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
But you can call me Michael, if
you're nasty. I am their boss. How
are things going?
FIREMAN ONE
Nothing that we can't handle. Black
outs can cause some serious damage.
MEREDITH
Tell me about it.
MICHAEL
I'm just happy no one is injured.
ANDY
I hurt my knee.
MICHAEL
(coughs it out)
Wuss.
FIREMAN ONE
Sir, we will check that out for you.
Andy reaches to use Stanley's shoulder as a crutch.
STANLEY
Do not touch me.
Jim helps him out instead. Pam watches and smiles.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
Let's see... If I had to be stuck in
an elevator for three hours with
someone, who would I pick?
(considers, to crew)
Are there cameras in the elevator?
No?
(then)
Jim. I'd pick Jim. Next question...
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
I'd pick Pam. That was easy. Next
question...
INT. HALLWAY/ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS
FIREMAN TWO BANGS on the door three times and yells through
the door to them...
FIREMAN TWO
Hello! This is the Scranton Area
Fire Department! We will get you out
of there as soon as we can!
KEVIN (O.S.)
(muffled)
Awesome.
FIREMAN TWO
Is everyone okay?!
ANGELA (O.S.)
(muffled)
Yes, I think so. Is Dwight up there?
Michael butts in.
MICHAEL
Why?! Do you want us to ask him to
leave?! Dwight...
Beat of silence.
ANGELA (O.S.)
(low-level and muffled)
No.
Dwight smiles. Kelly looks up to him. Dwight notices and
drops the smile.
Fireman Two bends down to inspect the elevator door. The door
has clearly been bent in and tampered using a blunt object.
FIREMAN TWO
What the hell?! It looks like
someone tried to open this door with
a crowbar.
Everyone looks to Dwight. Toby especially peers at him.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
A crowbar or even bare fingers have
been useful tools in opening elevator
doors...
TOBY TALKING HEAD
TOBY
(re: Dwight)
A crowbar or bare fingers have been
useful tools in opening elevator
doors... In the movies.
INT. HALLWAY/ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS
HANK
Little Red Riding Hood over there did
it.
He points toward Dwight and Kelly. Dwight glares back at
Hank.
FIREMAN ONE
(sympathetic, to Kelly)
Listen lady, I realize you wanted to
help but--
HANK
Not her, him.
FIREMAN TWO
(scolding)
Hey Buddy. Leave the hero stuff to
the professionals.
MICHAEL
Dwight, what's with the sunglasses?
JIM
Yeah Dwight. Tell him.
DWIGHT
I cannot reveal--
JIM
When we lost power, he tried to kiss
me so I punched him in the eye. It
was really awkward.
DWIGHT
That is not true! Take that back!
JIM
Okay, it wasn't awkward. But I still
punched him--
DWIGHT
Stop that!
HANK
Well, my job's done here.
FIREMAN ONE
Thanks for your help Hank.
MICHAEL
Yeah, thanks Hank.
(to camera)
Always very helpful when I need to
jump my car.
HANK
Anytime...
He looks to Michael as he heads for the stairs.
HANK (CONT'D)
(to self)
Some kind of poop-colored Dracula..?
Hank shakes his head.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
Apparently, while I was waiting for
the elevator in the lobby, Kevin and
Angela were trapped inside of it.
Who would've known? I waited for a
while.
EXT. PARKING LOT - A LITTLE LATER
FIREMAN THREE lifts a dead squirrel from its tail off the
ground under a transformer pole next to the parking lot.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
All it took was one little squirrel
trying to store its nuts in the
building's transformer and zap!
-- fried squirrel, fried nuts, no
power and a reason for emergency
end-of-world sex... I asked Pam.
He looks up to the transformer. He cups his eyes from the
sun.
INT. HALLWAY/ELEVATOR - MOMENTS LATER
FIREMAN THREE (V.O.)
(over walkie)
The power company is on their way. I
have a dead transformer out here and
a dead squirrel for dinner. Is
anyone hungry up there?
The firemen laugh. The women look disgusted.
THE WOMEN
Ill... Yuck...
FIREMAN ONE
(chuckling)
No thanks, Henry.
CREED
Is he serious?
CREED TALKING HEAD
CREED
Squirrels make excellent stew.
INT. HALLWAY/ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS
The WAREHOUSE WORKERS have joined the crowd. LONNY has a
white sheet draped over his shoulder. Andy keeps looking at
him.
Fireman Two BANGS on the door three times and yells through
the door to them...
Michael butts in.
MICHAEL
Do you think we will still have the
party?!
FIREMAN TWO
(to Michael)
Sir, please. Let us handle this.
(to the elevator)
Power should be restored within
minutes! Please be patient! We will
get you out of there soon!
MICHAEL
And then we'll party! Woo!
No one shares in the excitement.
DARRYL
Let the guy do his job, Michael.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
I'd pick Michael and instead of an
elevator, it would be a rocket as the
planet Earth is exploding...
(beat, then reconsiders)
I take that back. I'd pick a female
with child-bearing hips.
INT. HALLWAY/ELEVATOR - A LITTLE LATER
Michael holds a deck of cards.
MICHAEL
Okay! Magic trick while we wait. I
need a volunteer!
Dwight is the only one to raise his hand.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
You, kind sir.
He points to MADGE, a burly female warehouse employee. She
glares at him.
MADGE
I'm a girl.
MICHAEL
I wasn't pointing to you. I was
pointing to Andy.
Andy is yards away from where she stands.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Andy, hop over here.
Andy starts to hop, then...
The lights go on -- things start to power up. The crowd is
relieved and buzzing. We can hear the elevator moving.
Andy is stuck in limbo -- no one to hold onto and wobbly.
All eyes on the elevator.
FIREMAN ONE
Everyone, please stand back. Give
them some air.
DING. The door opens. The firemen take a step back.
FIREMAN TWO
(something smells)
Whew! Man!
They cough.
Kevin walks out, relieved but embarrassed.
People move forward to greet Kevin -- fist bumps and
reaffirming hand shakes.
KEVIN
Did anyone call my fiancé?
OSCAR
Yeah, she said she was too busy.
In dramatic form, Dwight splits Meredith and Phyllis out of
his view.
Angela walks out. She looks around, spots Dwight. She
smiles.
Dwight approaches. Both calm.
DWIGHT
Hello Angela.
ANGELA
Hello Dwight.
DWIGHT
I'm glad that you are okay.
She smiles discreetly.
Jim hands Kevin a bag of fun-size candy bars.
JIM
Here you go, Buddy?
KEVIN
Thanks Jim.
PAM
Thank Michael--
KEVIN
He didn't touch these, did he?
MICHAEL
(to Angela)
How's my little package handler?
Here, I'll block your view.
He covers his crotch with his hands. He starts to laugh.
Angela storms off -- moment ruined.
DWIGHT
I don't get it.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
His widow's peak is completely smeared.
MICHAEL
The ice cream cake melted but it's
still good -- like a milk shake.
People like milk shakes. And may I
say... People really seemed to enjoy
my costume.
(then)
Especially me.
DWIGHT AND ANGELA TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
After much discussion, Angela and I
have decided to take our relationship
to the next level.
ANGELA
To friendship.
DWIGHT
We have decided to smile at each
other in public and I have decided to
open the door for her.
ANGELA
Except in front of Kevin, Oscar,
Toby, Phyllis...
DWIGHT
Jim, Andy--
ANGELA
And Kelly...
He takes off the sunglasses.
DWIGHT
So, I guess I won't be needing these
anymore, Jigsaw. Dwight K. Schrute
is now out of the closet. And Proud.
Angela looks to Dwight -- huh?
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT THREE
TAG
ANGELA TALKING HEAD
ANGELA
And Pam, and Michael, and Meredith,
and Creed. The warehouse workers,
especially Madge and if Ryan ever
comes back...
END OF SHOW
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