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EXT. FREEWAY DAY
A freeway packed with cars. A RED CAR is moving in line.
INT. RED CAR
An annoyingly happy family. 3 kids sit in the back. ALICE,
19, pretty. A 16 year old boy, JIMMY. SUZY, a 9 year old.
Driving the car is the FATHER, an older man with thinning
black hair, next to him is the MOTHER, a beautiful blond
woman in her late 30's.
FATHER
You kids take your vitamins today?
MOTHER
Yes, they took them dear. Right
before we left.
JIMMY
Yep, I took them before my French
lessons. MS. GISELLE appreciates my
upbeat behavior.
ALICE
(to Jimmy)
No Jimmy, she says calm and
collected is always appreciated.
JIMMY
Alice, you're just jealous because
I have 45 stars in the french-o
meter.
FATHER
(to Jimmy and Alice)
You both are stars in my eyes.
JIMMY
You're right dad, she's the best
sister ever.
Jimmy flashes Alice a sincere smile.
ALICE
No, you're the best brother ever.
SUZY
(to Jimmy and Alice)
Hey! What about me?
MOTHER
(to Suzy)
Well you're the best daughter a
mother could ask for.
ALICE
(to mother)
Hey!
The sound of laughter. A young male voice overlaps their joy,
MIKE.
MIKE (V.O.)
Ah... laughter, its been a long
time since I've heard it. I guess
the last time I heard it was at Dr.
Jackson's office.
(beat)
I wish I had a family like this.
SUZY
Dad, can we sing something?
FATHER
I don't know, what do you want to
sing Suzy?
JIMMY
You know what we always sing dad.
FATHER
Okay everybody get ready... ROW,
ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT, GENTLY DOWN THE
STREAM-
The whole family joins in.
MIKE (V.O.)
Okay, maybe not exactly like this
family. But you get the picture, a
nice, quiet, American family.
(beat)
Alright, I'm lying, I used to wish
my family was like this. But now I
really know that I wouldn't fit in
any other family but mine.
(beat)
Gosh, are they really singing that?
Alice turns her head away from her window and whispers.
ALICE
Hey, dad can you hurry up a little
bit. I don't like this spot.
EXT. FREEWAY
As the red car advances a MINIVAN appears next to them. The
back door is slightly open. A boy named Mike, 17, Latin, has
his head placed on the back seat window.
MIKE (V.O.)
That's me, and that's my family
inside.
INT. MINIVAN
Sitting next to Mike is his little Latin sister, KATE , 6,
cute. Next to Kate is JESS, dyed blond hair, wearing an
Arabian belly dancer costume. WILL, 40, an American, is
driving. Next to him is VIVIANA, 30, a beautiful Latin
mother.
KATE
Daddy, put some music on please.
WILL
Alright honey.
Will turns the radio on. Salsa music.
WILL
There. Something your mother likes.
JESS
Dad! I have a headache. Turn that
thing off, show me some respect.
VIVIANA
Oh you'll hear salsa until you
respect yourself little missy. I
can't believe how ashamed of you I
was at last night's party.
JESS
Mom give it a rest; like you never
went to a party; plus yesterday,
you almost burned down our house!
VIVIANA
It was an honest mistake.
MIKE
Mom, it almost exploded! You should
have told us what you were
planning!
WILL
Mike, don't raise your voice!
KATE
Yeah Mike, you should really learn
to control your anger.
MIKE
Shut it Kate!
WILL
(to Mike)
Stop it. Don't tell your sister to
shut it! Just sit quietly and
please check on your grandpa one
more time.
MIKE
(in Spanish)
Imbecil, todo lo tengo que hacer
yo.
WILL
(to Viviana)
What did he just say?
VIVIANA
He said "yes".
WILL
(to himself)
I've got to learn Spanish.
MIKE (V.O.)
Yeah my dad never was a learner.
Attention disorder. My mom has been
trying to teach him Spanish but his
mind just seems to wonder. I'm just
glad it doesn't run in the family.
That reminds me of a friend of mine
that runs like a girl. Running like
a girl runs in his family. But he
does run faster than me. If I could
have a superpower it would be the
ability to run at the speed of
light. Oh, yeah lets get back to
the story.
Mike turns to the back of the car. It's filled with
groceries. He moves them around to reveal PAPPY'S URN, the
golden pride and joy of the family.
MIKE
Oh he's fine. I'll just push some
of these groceries back to give him
some more room.
Mike pushes some groceries toward the back.
MIKE (V.O.)
I really shouldn't have done that.
EXT. FREEWAY
The car's back door flings open, groceries fly out and
splatter against the cars behind them. Sauce and vegetables
explode as the cars behind drive over the items. The minivan
quickly zigzags through traffic looking for a place to stop.
INT. MINIVAN
Pappy's urn starts to roll out of the minivan. Mike thrusts
himself to catch it. He does, but now half of him is hanging
out the back door.
MIKE
Help! Help!
Mike dangles from the minivan.
MIKE (V.O.)
I really don't have grace under
pressure
JESS
What the hell are you doing you
moron!
Jess grabs Mike by the legs and pulls him in. The minivan
swerves out of the freeway. Everyone is breathing heavily.
Mike is now sitting properly with Pappy's urn locked in a
death grip.
VIVIANA
Who forgot to close that door?!
JESS
It wasn't me.
WILL
Mike, check on Pappy.
MIKE
Alright.
Mike opens the urn and the only thing inside is a little
piece of paper.
MIKE
He's not here! Oh my God, my
grandpa is scattered around the
freeway!
VIVIANA
Mike, you really think I'm about to
trust this family with my father?
Viviana opens the glove compartment and pulls out an [Ziploc]
bag full of ashes.
VIVIANA (CONT'D)
Here's Pappy!
MIKE
You scared the hell out of me! All
that's in here is this little piece
of paper.
Mike puts his hand into Pappy's urn and pulls out the PIECE
OF PAPER. His eyes widen he discovers it's true meaning.
MIKE (V.O.)
That was the best day of my life.
SCREEN GOES BLACK
MIKE (V.O.)
Hard to believe that just the day
before that I had the worst
experience imaginable. You know
what? It might be a little early
this time of the year, but I'm
going to tell you a little holiday
story. It all started 6 days ago.
EXT. CLARKSTON HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Mike and 2 friends, FRANK & BILL, are coming out of school.
Frank, 17, a nerd, and Bill, 17, a punk.
The school is undergoing remodelations, so the west side of
it is surrounded by structures and ladders.
BILL
So Mike, can you give us a ride?
Frank has a hard time riding in the
bus and since it's the last day of
school you know the teasing is
going to be extra tough.
FRANK
I don't have a hard time riding the
bus.
BILL
Last time you peed your pants.
FRANK
It was apple juice.
BILL
When it was in the box, not after
you drank it.
MIKE
(to both)
Chillax, I'll give you a ride
when my chauffeur gets here.
FRANK
By chauffeur you mean your dad
don't you?
MIKE
Yeah, he's going to pick me up. He
has to speak with MS. TILLY about
that lost hamster.
FRANK
And by lost you mean stepped on and
thrown in a dumpster?
MIKE
I get it Frank. I cant fool you!
The minivan, sparkling new, stops in front of them. Will,
Viviana, and Kate get out. Kate always has her rag doll,
RAGGY.
WILL
(to Mike)
Sorry it took me so long, I had to
pick up your sister too.
MIKE (V.O.)
Yeah by picking up my sister he
means stopping by the convenience
store to buy lots of useless crap.
Mike shrugs.
MIKE
Alright dad.
VIVIANA
Hi kids!
FRANK
Hello Mr. And Mrs. Holiday.
MIKE (V.O.)
Yeah my name is Michael Holiday,
its kinda of ironic, but you'll
understand that later.
KATE
(to Mike)
How you doing stupid?
MIKE
Aren't you such a sweet little
sister. I'm so glad to be your
brother.
Mike grins at his sister.
MIKE (V.O.)
And by sweet I mean little
demon of destruction and plague,
and by glad I mean terribly haunted
and slowly rotting away inside each
day a little more.
WILL
Mike, take care of your sister.
We'll go see what the whole fuzz
about that hamster is.
MIKE
You go ahead and do your thing dad.
Will and Viviana walk into the school.
MIKE
Now Kate, look who's over there.
It's that nice neighbor of ours.
Why don't you go play with him?
Mike points to a boy named SAM, 9, he looks like he hasn't
taken a bath in a year.
KATE
Mom told me to stay away from that
boy.
MIKE
Well mom also said that you
shouldn't pick your nose.
KATE
She said that to you.
MIKE
Still, he's a nice boy.
Mike pushes Kate, she walks towards Sam.
KATE
How you doing Sam?
SAM
Oh, if it isn't poop pants Kate.
KATE
Don't call me that. The only one
who stinks like poop here is you.
Go take a bath!
SAM
I'll take bath when you grow up
and get rid of that stupid doll
you're always carrying around.
KATE
She's not stupid and her name is
Raggy.
SAM
Raggy? Now that's one stupid name.
KATE
It's not stupid! You're just a big-
(in Spanish)
zopenco, bruto, burro come lodo
(Translation: "Dumb, brute
donkey that eats mud.")
SAM
Why don't you go back across the
border where you came from!
Mike overhears this and strides up to Kate, picks her up and
talks to Sam.
MIKE
What did you say?
SAM
Go back to Mexico! I don't
understand why you people come to
America anyway, you always end up
working as janitors or at
McDonald's.
MIKE
Stop talking about things you don't
understand, you ignorant little
mutt! And we're not from Mexico
we're from Guatemala.
SAM
They're all the same.
MIKE
No they're not the same! My God my
mom was right about you, and now
shut up... because you don't know
anything... and...and... Santa
Clause isn't real!
Kate bursts into tears.
KATE
Santa Claus isn't real?
MIKE
No, no Kate I'm just kidding!
Kate gets lose from Mike and runs crying towards the
construction site. Mike runs after her.
SAM
See, you Mexicans always end up at
the construction sites.
MIKE
(screaming at Kate)
Stop, it's dangerous in there!
Bill and Frank hear the argument and run towards the
construction site too. Frank runs like a girl.
MIKE (V.O.)
I told you I had a friend that ran
like a girl.
INT. MS. TILLY'S CLASSROOM - DAY
Ms. Tilly is sitting on her desk talking to Will and Viviana.
There is a big window behind them. It has a clear view of the
construction site.
MS. TILLY
So you see Mr. Holiday I have a
right to suspect that your son
killed HAMI, the class hamster.
WILL
Why was it again that you
think that he killed
HAMBONE?
MS. TILLY
It's Hami.
WILL
Yes, sorry, Hami.
MS. TILLY
Well if you recall he has killed
TURTTY the class turtle, GOLDY the
class goldfish, SPIDEY the class
spider and RATTY the class
WILL
Let me guess the class rat?
MS. TILLY
No the class snake. He just loved
to eat rats, and whenever there's
trouble you can be sure Mike is
involved.
VIVIANA
Now you see I think that's just not
fair to my son. He might be a
little clumsy, but that's no reason
to blame him for everything that
goes wrong.
Through the window we see Kate run into a post that holds up
the construction. Kate falls on her back and Mike quickly
picks her up. The construction site starts to collapse and
Mike runs towards the window carrying Kate.
His parents and Ms. Tilly hear the chaos and turn their
attention towards the window. Metal rods fly everywhere.
Paint is splattered. Mike stops right in front of the window
and sees his parents glowering at him.
MIKE (V.O.)
Remember how I told you that the
superpower I would most like to
have is running at the speed of
light. Well right now I was wishing
I was invisible.
(beat)
Plus a perk of that would be that I
could walk into the girl's locker
room.
INT. PRINCIPAL MOINAHAN'S OFFICE DAY
Mike, Will, Viviana, and Kate are sitting in front of the
principal's desk. Kate holds a bag of ice to her forehead.
PRINCIPAL MOINAHAN'S scrutiny obliges Mike to cower in his
seat.
PRINCIPAL MOINAHAN
(to Mike)
Do you have any idea of the trouble
you've caused! What if some one had
been working on that construction
platform?
MIKE
I understand that someone could
have been killed, but just give me
a chance to explain.
PRINCIPAL MOINAHAN
Killed? It could have been worse!
Someone could have gotten hurt and
sued the flag post off our school.
Viviana and Will shoot down the PRINCIPAL with one glare.
PRINCIPAL MOINAHAN (CONT'D)
Well, anyway I'm just glad you and
your sister got out of there
unharmed.
VIVIANA
Principal Moinahan what is his
punishment going to be?
Because I know your not thinking
about suspending him because
classes are over for the summer,
and you probably won't consider
expulsion because of some unsafe
working construction that the
Regulations Office of California
might have to take a look at.
PRINCIPAL MOINAHAN
No! No, no, no, no, no. The
punishment will be less severe,
according to the new state rules we
have a special program for students
like Mike.
Mike jumps on the chair and gets on a defense position.
MIKE
Hell no! I ain't going to Military
School!
PRINCIPAL MOINAHAN
No, Mike, that's too harsh. Because
of the new regulations you will be
forced to go see a state
psychologist.
WILL
(to Mike)
Oh great, you see, now I'm going to
have to pay some whack job to
psychoanalyze you. Are you happy?
MIKE (V.O.)
Actually I am.
PRINCIPAL MOINAHAN
Well, Mr. Holiday your son is not
the only one going to therapy.
WILL
Kate is going to have to see a
shrink too?
PRINCIPAL MOINAHAN
Mr. Holiday your whole family is
going.
WILL
The whole family?
PRINCIPAL MOINAHAN
Yes, you see there have been
studies that show that troublesome
students are the outcome of an
unstable home. That is why the
state authorities are urging
schools to implement family therapy
in order to help disturbed students
and promote a healthy living
environment.
VIVIANA
We provide a loving and gentle home
for our children Principal
Moinahan. And what do you mean by
disturbed?
Mike's cellphone rings. He answers it.
MIKE
Hello. What? You got what? Oh
that's so cool. Mom and dad are
going to kill you.
VIVIANA
What's going on?
Mike hands Viviana the cell phone. He's all smiles.
MIKE
Jess go a tattoo and she has no
money to pay for it so she's going
to need you to pick her up.
VIVIANA
What.
(she takes the cell phone)
I told you, you had no permission
to get a tattoo.
(listens)
I don't care if you're an adult,
you still live under my roof and
your going to obey me.
(listens)
Well it seems like I am going to
have to pick you up.
(listens)
I don't care if at least it looks
cool! You stay there we'll pick you
up after were finished here.
Viviana closes the cellphone.
PRINCIPAL MOINAHAN
(to himself)
Gentle home indeed.
WILL
(to Viviana)
I told you she wasn't going to the
library. Our 21 year old daughter
is not going to spend her afternoon
reading "Harry Potter and the
Chamber of Secrets"
VIVIANA
Well it seems like she stopped by
the library.
WILL
Why?
VIVIANA
Because she got a tatoo in her
secret chamber.
Will's face becomes ghastly white.
INT. CLUMPTON BUILDING - DR. JACKSON'S OFFICE - DUSK
DR. JACKSON'S office is a small room with wooden floors. Book
cases line the walls. Dr. Jackson, male in his 60's, is
sitting in a chair in front of a great big leather couch
where Mike, Kate, Will, Viviana, and Jess are slouching.
DR. JACKSON
Well I see that Mike has been
getting in to a lot of trouble
lately.
MIKE
It's all been a big
misunderstanding doctor.
WILL
Mike let the doctor finish.
DR. JACKSON
No, let him speak Mr. Holiday. We
are in an environment where anyone
can express their feelings freely.
JESS
Well in that case, I have to say
that I don't have a clue about why
I have to be here.
VIVIANA
Because we are not letting you out
of our sight anymore because of
that little stunt you pulled the
other day.
DR. JACKSON
Now people settle down, there is no
need for conflict. We are going to
deal with this aggression with
peace and exercises.
KATE
I don't want to do any exercises. I
just want to go home and play with
Raggy.
DR. JACKSON
Kate, is Raggy your dog?
KATE
She's my doll.
Kate holds up her doll. It's dressed in what looks like a
typical Guatemalan outfit. The fabric is hand made.
DR. JACKSON
Oh my! That's one beautiful doll
you have there.
VIVIANA
(to Dr. Jackson)
Look, doctor, I know we are not the
most normal family out there, but I
don't think we really have that
many problems.
DR. JACKSON
Mrs. Holiday that is where you and
I disagree.
(to Jess)
Tell me Jess, how many times have
you screamed at your father this
week?
JESS
I don't know, 1,2,3,45
times doctor.
MIKE (V.O.)
It was actually 96... Doctor.
DR. JACKSON
Okay. Now everyone feel free to
tell me how many times today have
you felt happy around your family?
Silence overtakes the room.
DR. JACKSON
In the last week?
Nothing.
DR. JACKSON (CONT'D)
Last month? No? Last trimester?
Alright. Mike can you tell me when
was the last time you felt the
happiest around your family?
MIKE
I think it was at Christmas?
MIKE'S FLASHBACK
INT. HOLIDAY HOUSE- LIVING ROOM - DAWN
Mike is sitting under a big glowing Christmas tree, he grabs
a present with his name on it. He rips open the paper and the
words BB gun appear on the box. Mike'S smile lights up.
END OF MIKE'S FLASHBACK.
RETURN TO SCENE.
MIKE
Yeah it was at Christmas. I got a
bb gun.
DR. JACKSON
Now Will when was the happiest
you've been around your family?
WILL
Well doctor, I'm pretty sure it was
one thanksgiving?
WILL'S FLASHBACK
INT. HOLIDAY HOUSE LIVING ROOM - DAY
Will is perched on a couch. He has one beer in his hand and
some chips next to him. Sitting on the floor are Mike and
Jess intensely watching a game winning touchdown. Will
thrusts his chips in the air and they all rejoice.
END OF WILL'S FLASHBACK
RETURN TO SCENE
MIKE
Oh, I remember that.
DR. JACKSON
Jess when was your happiest moment?
Jess'S spreads a smile from ear to ear.
JESS'S FLASHBACK
INT. HOLIDAY HOUSE FRONT DOOR - DAY
All the family is gathered around Jess. She is on the foot of
the front door with her suitcase ready. A RED JEEP with 2
GUYS without shirts and a GIRL with a tank top pulls into the
driveway. Jess smiles and waves at them. Turns her head and
looks back at her family. She laughs and darts towards the
jeep.
END OF JESS'S FLASHBACK
RETURN TO SCENE.
JESS
Oh no doubt, it was spring break
baby!
MIKE
(to Jess)
We weren't with you at spring
break.
JESS
Well you where there when I left so
that qualifies, and I wasn't even
in your flashback...so shut up!
DR. JACKSON
Please kids stop this constant
aggression. Kate wants to share her
special family memory.
(to Kate)
Right?
KATE
Well I guess my favorite moment was
when we went to visit AUNT SYLVIA
and we light all those pretty
candles.
KATE'S FLASHBACK
INT. AUNT SYLVIA'S HOUSE LIVING ROOM NIGHT
The whole Holiday family and Aunt Sylvia are gathered around
a menorah. Kate is lighting the final candle. All of the
family dazzles in the light of the candles.
END OF KATE'S FLASHBACK
RETURN TO SCENE
DR. JACKSON
(to Kate)
So you have some Jewish decent?
WILL
(to Dr. Jackson)
It comes from my part of the
family.
DR. JACKSON
(to Viviana)
Alright then, the only person left
is you Vivi. Can I call you Vivi?
VIVIANA
No.
DR. JACKSON
Alright, Viviana what was your
favorite moment?
VIVIANA
Well you see Doctor my favorite
moment with my family was-.
Suddenly Dr. Jackson'S digital alarm goes off.
DR. JACKSON
Oh, I'm sorry, but your session
time is up. Let's continue this
conversation next time. I'm just
going to give you an exercise to
try out and you can tell me how it
went next time we see each other.
Mike and Jess start laughing.
MIKE (V.O.)
Right, that's the last time I heard
laughter.
WILL
(to Dr. Jackson)
Well what is it?
MIKE (V.O.)
What? What's laughter? Dad you know
this. Oh you weren't talking to me.
Okay, keep going.
DR. JACKSON
From what I've heard all of you
have been the happiest on holidays,
and that's completely logical
because holidays usually bring
families together and provide
freedom from the everyday
activities that keep us stressed. I
suggest that as a family you decide
a certain holiday to recreate, this
will hopefully remind you that your
family is not a prison.
MIKE (V.O.)
It's an insane asylum.
DR. JACKSON (CONT'D)
So I'll give you time to prepare
for this activity.
Why don't you recreate it 5 days
from now? That's enough time.
VIVIANA
I guess we have the time.
WILL
So you want us to fake a holiday?
DR. JACKSON
You've got it Mr. Holiday.
WILL
Well, I think we can pull that off.
Everyone stays in their seat and a awkward silence settles in
the room.
DR. JACKSON
So... get the hell out! Your time's
up people!
INT. CLUMPTON BUILDING PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The Holiday family comes out of the CLUMPTON BUILDING. They
are all relatively quiet. Their steps echo around the parking
lot.
JESS
This is going to be fun, huh?
KATE
(to Jess)
I don't know. Seems kind of hard.
MIKE
(to Kate)
No it's not. All we need is to get
into the spirit of it! Then this
family will be happy again and we
can stop paying this whack job.
WILL
Your right Mike, this is just the
thing that will bring this family
closer. All we need is to stay
positive.
VIVIANA
(to Will)
Honey, where did we park the
minivan?
They all glance around. The minivan is nowhere to be seen.
JESS
Didn't we park on level E?
MIKE
(to Jess)
No we parked here, because the
elevator is right there.
Mike points to the elevator on the wall.
JESS
Well call me an idiot-
MIKE (V.O.)
Idiot.
JESS (CONT'D)
-but isn't the elevator in the same
place on every floor?
WILL
Your right honey.
MIKE
Oh yeah.
JESS
It's okay bro, everyone makes a
mistake once or twice.
VIVIANA
Kids, that's how we should all
behave. Your setting a great
example for Kate.
The Holiday family gets into the elevator.
INT. CLUMPTON BUILDING- PARKING LOT LEVEL E - NIGHT
SONG: RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD
The elevator doors open to reveal the family. They walk
lithely across the parking lot to their minivan. Will opens
the front passenger door for Viviana. She gives him a smile.
Kate runs in front of Mike and opens the door for him. He
gives her a smile. All of the doors close at the same time.
INT. MINIVAN NIGHT
The song is still playing. Will starts the car and begins the
drive out of the parking lot. Jess gives Mike a sly smile.
Mike responds with another smile. Viviana sees this from the
rear view mirror and smiles. Then Mike puts his head between
Will and Viviana.
MIKE
So daddy, when are we getting the
Christmas tree?
The music stops with a screeching sound.
KATE
Christmas tree!
WILL
(to Mike)
I'm sorry son but it seems you
didn't hear us when we all agreed
to do thanksgiving.
JESS
(to Will)
Apparently I'm not part of "all"
dad, because I didn't agree on
anything. I thought it was clear
that Spring Break was our favorite
holiday.
KATE
(to Jess)
Spring Break? What are you talking
about! We're doing Hanukkah.
MIKE
(to Kate)
You're not even Jewish!
KATE
(to Mike)
I'm part Jewish, dad said so.
VIVIANA
Kate, honey, that's not how it
works.
KATE
(to Viviana)
Yes, that's exactly how it works!
VIVIANA
Don't raise your voice at me Kate!
I think we can all agree on one
specific holiday.
WILL
Stop the screaming this instant.
We're doing thanksgiving an that is
final.
VIVIANA
(to Will)
Your supporting this kind of
behavior? I can't believe you!
JESS
(to Mike)
We are not doing Christmas in the
middle of summer Mike!
MIKE
Oh yes we are! And what are you
complaining about, all you want to
do is get drunk, you can do that
with the eggnog.
JESS
If you're implying that I have a
drinking problem your sadly
mistaken little bro.
MIKE
No big sis, you don't have a
problem with drinking. It's easy
for you!
VIVIANA
Stop yelling!
EXT- HOLIDAY'S FRONT LAWN - NIGHT
The family gets out of the minivan. They stride across the
front lawn. The heated argument continues. They enter their
beautiful Victorian house, illuminated by lamps laid across
the lawn.
INT- HOLIDAY HOUSE HALLWAY
The hallway has 2 doors on it's left, and 2 doors on it's
right. Mike is the first one to appear and enter the first
door on the left. He slams the door as hard as he can.
Jess is directly following him but she enters the first room
on the right, Kate enters the second room on her right, and
finally Viviana enters the second room on her left. Will
follows her but as he tries to go in the room Viviana slams
the door in his face.
WILL
Viviana open this door right now.
VIVIANA
No! You can make me so mad Will!
WILL
Where am I supposed to sleep?
VIVIANA
I don't know. You figure it out.
You should be thankful that you
have a nice comfy couch downstairs.
WILL
Yeah, well guess what! I am
thankful, so thanks!
VIVIANA
You're welcome!
Will marches bitterly down the hallway
INT- HOLIDAY HOUSE LIVING ROOM
A beautiful white living room. There's a big brown couch in
the middle. A big stereo and home theater in front of the
couch. On top of the stereo lies a URN with the inscription
"PAPPY". Will stomps down the stairs. He slumps into the
couch and puts his head between his hands. He yawns and lifts
his head up. He sees the URN and strolls over to it with a
slight frown on his face, he places one hand next to it and
speaks.
WILL
Why I married your daughter I'll
never know. I could have avoided a
lot of screaming... but God knows I
love her Pappy. I told you that I
would take care of her, and that I
did.
(beat)
How did you keep your family from
falling apart? You don't have to
answer, it's a rhetorical question.
Will sees his reflection on the urn.
WILL (CONT'D)
I guess you did have to give up a
lot to hand her the life she
needed. But what do I have to give
up so my family can actually be
happy?
(pause)
I was kind of hoping you might
answer that one.
VIVIANA (O.C.)
You don't have to give up
something, all you need is to give
them your love.
Will turns and gazes at Viviana standing at the foot of the
stairs.
WILL
I'm sorry about being such a jerk.
VIVIANA
It's okay, I'm sorry that you're a
jerk too.
WILL
Accepted, at least now I don't have
to sleep on this awful couch.
VIVIANA
Oh you're sleeping on it alright.
I'm not giving up my holiday that
easily.
WILL
What? What's your holiday anyway?
VIVIANA
It's a surprise. You'll just have
to wait and see.
WILL
Just don't cook anything. 5 days
from now were eating turkey.
VIVIANA
Yeah, about that. Good luck finding
a good one this time of year.
Viviana walks up the stairs. Will is left there with a
dumbstruck face. The thought of finding a turkey that season
never came to his mind.
SCREEN GOES BLACK
The words "4 days left" appear in white.
EXT. PIGGLY PIGGY SUPERMARKET PARKING LOT - DAY
The minivan parks behind a red car that has it's bumper
flooded with stickers. "My son is an Honor student", "My
daughter is an honor student", "I love my family". A sign
with a pig dangles above the supermarket entrance, "PIGGLY
PIGGY SUPERMARKET". Kate, Mike, Viviana, and Jess walk
towards supermarket.
JESS
(looking at the sign)
Why did we come to the place with
the pig on the sign?
VIVIANA
It's a heck of allot more
convenient that any other place. So
hurry up kids because we have to
get home before dad wakes up. He's
going to kill us if he finds out we
took the minivan.
The automatic crystal doors part to allow the family's
entrance
INT. PIGGLY PIGGY SUPERMARKET JUICE AISLE
A typical supermarket. There seems to be only one family
inside. The MOTHER, Alice, and Suzy from the start of the
movie. They stroll down the aisle with a shopping cart. Suzy
scans many juice bottles alongside her MOTHER.
ALICE
Lets see this one? Too much
artificial flavoring.
(looks at another bottle)
This one has a lot of
preservatives.
(looks at another bottle)
And this one is made in Costa Rica!
SUZY
Mom this place doesn't even have a
health food section.
MOTHER
I know dear, but it's a heck of
allot more convenient that any
other place, and we need to
economize since your father hasn't
won a case in three years.
ALICE
I'll take product quality over
convenience anytime.
INT. PIGGLY PIGGY SUPERMARKET SODA AISLE
Mike and his family stroll with a shopping cart down the
aisle. Mike scans different soda bottles.
MIKE
Let me see? This one is loaded with
artificial flavoring.
(grabs another bottle)
This one has high concentrated
sugar.
(grabs another bottle)
And this one is one is jammed
packed with preservatives.
(pause)
Mom, you were right this place is
convenient, they carry all my
favorite drinks. Can we take these
three? Please?
VIVIANA
No, those things are bad for you.
Go look for some juices in the
other aisle.
MIKE
(to himself)
That will give me some time to buy
some other stuff. I wonder if they
keep reindeer in stock?
Mike strides to the other aisle.
KATE
Mom, can I go look at the dolls in
the toy section? I want to find a
friend for Raggy.
VIVIANA
Okay honey, but Jess has to go with
you.
JESS
(taking Kate by the hand)
Come on you little monkey.
Viviana is left alone looking at some hot dog buns. The
Mother pushes her cart into the same aisle. She strolls
towards Viviana carrying a bag of lettuce, taps her shoulder
and Viviana turns around.
MOTHER
Excuse me, but do you know if these
lettuces are fresh?
VIVIANA
What?
MOTHER
Are these lettuces fresh? My
children are highly sensitive to
bacteria and I wanted to know how
old were these vegetables. You know
how some of these stuff is grown in
other countries and sanitation
rules there are a little flabby.
VIVIANA
Wait a minute. Tell me you just
didn't say that.
MOTHER
Look lady, I don't have time to
stand here and explain things twice
to you. If you don't get me I
suggest you take an English class.
VIVIANA
What makes you think I work here?
MOTHER
Well first of all your outfit.
Viviana'S jaw drops.
INT. JUICE AISLE
Alice'S hand is about to grab a juice bottle, but Mike'S hand
snatches it first.
ALICE
Hey I was going to buy that!
MIKE
"Was going to". Past tense.
ALICE
Give it to me!
MIKE
No, there are other bottles of
juice. Who do you think you are?
You're not the boss of me.
ALICE
No, but I bet my father is.
MIKE
What's with all this stored up
anger blondy. I'm surprised with
all that hot air in your head
you're not floating away.
ALICE
I'm surprised you're speaking
fluently.
MIKE
What makes you think you're better
that me!
ALICE
Don't get me wrong, I don't think
I'm better than you, I know I'm
better than you.
MIKE
Just get the hell away from me.
Mike spins around and walks away, but Alice holds on to the
juice bottle.
MIKE
Hey! Wait, let go. I got it first!
ALICE
Oh no you don't. First you come
here and steal other people's jobs
and now you have the nerves to take
our food too!
MIKE
Shut up and give me my juice!
ALICE
No! It's mine.
MIKE
Then you can have it Barbie!
Mike lets go of the bottle and it hits Alice on the head, she
drops to the floor. The juice bottle's cap comes off and she
is soaked in juice. Mike dashes away. Alice takes another
bottle and tosses it at Mike. It hits him in the head.
INT. TOY AISLE
Kate is ogling the dolls holding hands with Jess. Jess let's
go.
JESS
Kate, stay here. I'm going to check
out some bathing suits for the
party.
KATE
What party?
JESS
Oh, nothing, just stay here okay.
KATE
No problem.
Jess strolls away. Kate stares at a beautiful Barbie that has
a great big pink dress and beautiful flowing blond hair.
Raggy seems so ugly.
SUZY (O.C.)
That's one ugly doll!
Kate turns and glares at Suzy
SUZY (CONT'D)
Where did you get it? It looks like
a voodoo doll.
KATE
It was a gift from my mom.
SUZY
So your mom is a witch?
KATE
No. It's a Guatemalan Doll.
SUZY
Guatewhat?
KATE
Guatemala. It's a country.
SUZY
(looking at the doll)
Apparently not a nice country.
KATE
It is nice! And I would rather have
Raggy as a doll than that stupid
lifeless Barbie.
SUZY
Well if you like her so much then
go get her!
Suzy snatches Raggy away from Kate and throws it on to the
very top of shelve.
KATE
Why did you that?
SUZY
(sarcastically)
I don't know!
KATE
(looking up)
Don't worry Raggy I'm coming!
INT. PIGGLY PIGGY SUPERMARKET JUICE AISLE - DAY
Mike turns around and starts to rub his head.
MIKE
Now you're in big trouble!
ALICE
I have considerable injuries. My
dad is a lawyer and he's going to
sue the roof off your house, that
is if you have a roof or a house!
Mike takes a bottle of prune juice and swaggers over to
Alice.
ALICE
Wait, what are you doing? Don't
come any closer! I'm warning you.
Mike stands besides her. He opens the bottle and pours it all
over her.
Just then, from out of the corner Viviana and the MOTHER
struggle into the aisle. They have a hold of each other's
hair, and they are pulling at it like there's no tomorrow.
VIVIANA
Let go of my hair!
MOTHER
No! You let go of my hair!
VIVIANA
I can't my hands are stuck to it
because of all that cheap hair
spray you put on it!
MOTHER
It's not cheap! It's [Paul
Mitchell]!
Viviana and the MOTHER wrestle into Mike and Alice. The
MOTHER slips on the juice puddle and lets go of Viviana. The
MOTHER falls on top of Alice. The MOTHER and Alice both get
up, and run away. Mike grabs a shopping cart and pushes it
their way. The shopping cart slides through the aisle. The
MOTHER and Alice look back as the cart comes closer and
closer. The MOTHER jumps out of the way but the shopping cart
hits Alice and she's tossed to the side hitting a shelve.
The shelve topples to the side and hits the next aisle's
shelve dropping all the soda cans and bottles that burst open
and start to spin on the ground.
INT. TOY AISLE
Jess is in total shock. She sees all of the shelves falling
in a domino effect. Her eyes spot Kate, who is now on top of
a shelve grabbing Raggy.
JESS
Kate get down! Get down now!
Kate glances to the side. The shelves are falling closer and
closer now. Jess doesn't now what to do. Finally Kate's
shelve is hit and it topples over. Kate jumps and holds on to
one of the supermarket's hanging laps.
KATE
Help, help!
The lamp gets lose and instead of falling it starts to bring
down all of the other wires that it's hooked on to. Kate
swings like [TARZAN] through the supermarket. Jess is running
frantically besides her.
JESS
Hold on Kate! Hold on!
KATE
Get me down! Get me down! Mommy!
INT. JUICE AISLE
VIVIAN sees her daughter swinging from the cables. She darts
towards her. One of the cables gives off a spark and water
starts pouring from the fire sprinklers. The MOTHER tackles
Viviana to the floor.
MOTHER
Look what you're doing to my
designer dress!
VIVIANA
Let go of me you psycho!
MOTHER
Not until you agree to pay for it!
VIVIANA
(screaming)
Help! Help! Somebody help me! She's
trying to kill me!
Alice runs past her MOTHER and Viviana, Mike is chasing her
swinging a huge piece of bread in the air. Alice turns ad
goes into the fruit section. Mike tries to stop and go into
the fruit section but he can't. He slips on the wet floors
and slides on until he hits a big pile of stacked soup cans.
The whole pile collapses and leaves Mike buried in a
[CAMPBELL's] grave.
Kate swings by him. She is going to hit the wall. So she
closes her eyes and lets go. Jess runs towards her and
catches her before she hits the floor.
Jess is relieved.
JESS
Well you certainly are a little
monkey.
Mike arises from his soupy tomb. He looks at Viviana who is
still wrestling with the MOTHER. Mike grabs a soup can, looks
at it, and then throws it through the air. The soup can hits
the MOTHER in the head and she falls off Viviana. Mike and
Viviana run towards the exit. Jess sees them and runs towards
the exit too with Kate in her arms.
The MOTHER gets up and then Alice joins her. They run after
them. The MOTHER screams.
MOTHER
Somebody stop those good for
nothing Mexicans!
The Holiday family runs through the registers. All of the
cashiers are looking with horrified faces at the disaster
zone that is their supermarket. The Holiday family runs out
of the supermarket. The automatic doors close behind them.
The MOTHER and the Alice try to go after them, but the
automatic doors don't open and they crash into the glass and
fall backwards. They get up, spin around and see a MALE
CASHIER with his finger on a red button. He has a name tag
that reads "PEDRO".
MIKE (V.O.)
Meet Pedro. He's from Mexico.
PEDRO
So ladies, how will you be paying
for this?
The MOTHER and the Alice look at the great disaster area that
is now the supermarket. Most of the shelves are on the
ground. All of the products are on the floor. There is only
one lamp still hanging by a small wire. The wire breaks and
the lamp crashes.
SCREEN GOES BLACK
The words "3 days left" appear in white.
INT. HOLIDAY HOUSE- KITCHEN DAY
Will is leaning against the kitchen wall with the phone in
his ear. His eyes focus on the clock that is hanging above
him. It's 3:17 PM. He has the telephone guide on his other
hand. Jess is perched on a counter eating a yogurt.
WILL
What, you don't have any turkeys in
stock?
(pauses and listens)
Restructuring?
(pauses again)
The whole electrical circuit is
fried? What happened at the PIGGLY
PIGGY?
Jess blushes.
WILL (CONT'D)
Okay, but do you know any other
place where I could get one?
(grabs a pen and writes
the address on a post-it)
Alright thank you for your help,
have a nice day.
Will hangs up, turns around and grabs his keys.
WILL
Jess, tell your mom that I'll be
back for dinner I just have to go
get something.
JESS
Alright dad, but could you do me a
favor?
WILL
What?
JESS
Can you pass by the convenience
store and see if you can find any
party favors like hats or whistles,
you know.
WILL
Alright honey, anything you want.
MIKE (V.O.)
She takes advantage of my dad's
attention disorder.
JESS
Thanks dad!
Will is about to leave when he bumps into TOM, 22, in the
doorway. Tom is Jess's boyfriend, he's tall, lean, and he is
sporting some black sunglasses.
TOM
What's up Mr. Holiday?
WILL
(bitterly)
Oh, it's you. Everything's fine.
What are you doing here?
TOM
I'm here to see Jess sir. She asked
me to bring her these spray paints.
I thought you'd be at work today?
WILL
Well, I took some days off, family
emergency. What are you doing with
spray paints anyway?
TOM
Oh, I forgot to tell you Mr.
Holiday, it's part of my new
business. I'm painting houses sir,
and I have this great gimmick.
Instead of you coming to me, I go
to your house and paint it.
WILL
(sarcastically)
Wow, that's a great idea Tom.
Pretty convenient. I get tired
every time I have to take my house
in for a paint job.
TOM
Just thinking ahead of my time sir.
WILL
Aren't we all Tom, aren't we all.
TOM
So see you later Mr. H.
WILL
Okay, take care Tom.
Will exits the kitchen as Tom enters. He smoothly walks over
to Jess.
TOM
Here's the stuff you asked for
baby.
Tom hands Jess a bag full of stuff.
JESS
Thanks Tom, your such a sweetie.
Lets see if everything's here?
Jess scans the bag.
JESS (CONT'D)
Spray paints, black sheets, neon
lights, CD's, yep, it's all here.
MIKE (V.O.).
If you haven't noticed yet my
sisters planning a party.
TOM
See, I never fail to deliver baby.
Tom leans over and he starts to make out with Jess.
MIKE (V.O.)
Wait what the hell! Stop doing
that. I eat in that kitchen! Oh God
no. I cant take this. Lets go see
my dad. Switch to my dad!
EXT. PAT & SALLY'S BIRD SANCTUARY NIGHT
The minivan parks beneath a big sign that reads "PAT &
SALLY'S BIRD SANCTUARY". Will gets out of the minivan and
stares at this farm like place. He seems to have driven a lot
to get here, because it doesn't seem like California. Trees
are growing all around. He walks over to the small country
home.
INT. PAT & SALLY'S BIRD SANCTUARY NIGHT
Will walks into the house and discovers that the walls are
covered with pictures of rare birds from around the globe. A
stuffed duck on a counter catches his eye. He stares
intensely at the stuffed duck, getting face to face with it.
Suddenly Pat jumps out from behind the counter and screams.
PAT
Quack!
Will is startled and lets out a high pitched scream. Pat
seems like someone pulled out of a National Geographic
Magazine. He is about 65, with long white hair in a ponytail.
PAT
I'm so sorry sir, I didn't mean to
scare you, I just couldn't help
myself. I'm Pat.
Pat holds out his hand. Will shakes it.
WILL
Nice to meet you Pat. I'm Will
Holiday, and don't worry I didn't
get scared.
PAT
Oh, so that was a Cucamungan Bird
call and not a girlish scream?
WILL
Hum? Why yes. You really know your
bird calls I see. I'm impressed
Pat.
(confidently)
You see Pat I'm in the market for a
turkey. You know, a big, fat,
turkey.
Out from a curtain behind the counter comes SALLY, 65,
wearing an Indiana Jones type hat, white hair, and earrings
made out of feathers.
SALLY
What was that sound? Did one of the
birds get out?
PAT
No dear, it seems we are in the
presence of an expert bird caller.
SALLY
(to Will)
Nice to meet you sir, I'm Sally.
WILL
I'm Will, nice to meet you.
PAT
So you said you were in the market
for a turkey?
WILL
Yes, I was wondering if you might
have one here.
SALLY
Why yes we do, but it's no domestic
turkey. It's a "Meleagris
gallopavo".
WILL
Oh I don't care, I just want to
know if it's tasty.
PAT
Why in the world would you want to
know that?
WILL
Well... you see I collect birds
that... taste good. It's kind of my
thing in the... bird world.
SALLY
I see, so would you like to buy the
turkey?
WILL
Oh yes, yes, very much.
PAT
I'm sorry but we don't sell these
birds, but for, oh, say 500 dollars
it could fly south for the winter,
if you know what I mean.
WILL
500 dollars! What is this a magical
turkey!
PAT
Surely you must know that this is a
very hard animal to find sir.
WILL
Oh, yes I know. It's just that I
wanted to check that you weren't
selling me a... magical turkey,
because on some parts of India were
I've conducted some of my research,
the natives like to place curses on
the wild turkeys there. You know.
PAT
No sir, I assure you that this is
not a magical turkey.
WILL
Oh, well then, it's good to know.
Will opens his wallet just to find out that his credit card
is missing.
WILL
(to himself)
Oh no, I must have left my credit
card at home.
(to Pat)
Can I leave a check?
Pat points to a sign on top of the counter that reads "NO
CHECKS ACCEPTED"
WILL
Oh, it seems I can't get that
turkey.
PAT
It's a shame.
EXT. PAT & SALLY'S BIRD SANCTUARY NIGHT
Will is walking back to his car. He hears a sound on his
left. He turns and manages to glance at the outline of a huge
BIRD walking away from him behind PAT & SALLY'S SANCTUARY
fence.
WILL
(whispering)
I drove out here to get a turkey
for my family, and if it means
stealing it, then so be it.
Will creeps up to the fence. He peeks through a hole and sees
the BIRD'S outline. He opens the fence door which creeks so
loud that the BIRD takes off. Will dashes inside and closes
the door. He moves through all of the bushes. It seems like a
regular jungle out there. The only light is the opaque
sparkle of the moon coming through the trees.
Will sees the BIRD hide behind a fallen tree. He slowly
tiptoes up behind the tree and prepares to make his catch,
when he hears the crackle of a broken twig behind him. He
turns around and sees the biggest, fattest, meanest WILD
TURKEY you have ever seen gobbling and charging at him at
full speed. The wild turkey jumps and hits Will right in the
chest. Will trips over the fallen tree and falls back in to a
puddle of mud. The wild turkey lands on top of Will and
starts pecking him. Will manages to grab the wild turkey by
the neck and throws him away.
Will gets up and dashes toward the exit. The only problem is
that he cant find his way back. It all seems the same in the
dark. Will pushes apart some bushes and some birds fly out of
it startling him. He finally spots the exit; but then he sees
it. The outline of a SMALL BIRD.
WILL
(whispering)
Ah yes, the sweet smell of
Thanksgiving dinner.
Will takes his jacket off and lunges at the small bird. He
manages to catch it and wrap it in his jacket. Will struggles
to keep the bird form getting free. He runs to the door, gets
out, and into his minivan.
INT. MINIVAN NIGHT
Will places the bundled up small bird on the passenger seat
and holds it there with one hand as he drives away from the
sanctuary.
BIRD'S P.O.V.
Will'S face is glowing with excitement. Will glances at the
small bird and his eyes widen. His jaw drops and he utters.
WILL
Oh no! Man, what are the odds?
What are the odds!
RETURN TO SCENE
SCREEN GOES BLACK
The words "2 days left" appear in white.
INT HOLIDAY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM DAWN
Mike'S wrist watch. 5:27 AM. Mike is sitting on the couch
with the telephone to his ear. He has Will'S CREDIT CARD on
his other hand and is rhythmically tapping it against the
coffee table.
MIKE
Oh so you do have one tree.
(listens)
And you're sure you can get it here
2 days from now.
(listens)
No, I don't care about the extra
charges for the urgent delivery,
just as long as you can have it
here the day after tomorrow.
(listens)
Thank you LILIAN, its been a
pleasure talking to you too, have a
nice day.
Mike hangs up the phone and leaves Will'S CREDIT CARD on the
coffee table. The front door opens and Will stumbles in. He
has the small bird wrapped up in his jacket. Will is
splattered in mud and has scratch marks all over his arms and
face. Mike runs to help him.
MIKE
Dad what happened? Did you get in a
car accident?
WILL
No, don't worry I'm fine.
MIKE (V.O.)
I smell alcohol.
Mike smells Will.
MIKE
Have you been drinking?
WILL
No, no, you don't understand.
MIKE
(screaming at his mom
upstairs)
Hey mom, get down here, dad was
driving drunk and got in a car
accident!
WILL
What? No! Don't say that!
Viviana, Kate, and Jess stumble down the stairs.
VIVIANA
Honey are you hurt!
Let me see you!
WILL
No, no, I'm fine, Mike just
overreacted. I'm not drunk and I
didn't crash the car.
JESS
Oh thank God! So the car is okay
right?
VIVIANA
(to Jess)
Is that all you think about?
KATE
(to Will)
What you got there dad?
(pointing to the small
bird)
WILL
Well you see guys...
He walks away from them and places the BUNDLED UP BIRD on the
floor.
WILL (CONT'D)
I kind of went looking for our
turkey dinner.
BIRD'S P.O.V.
The whole family is staring at it. Its vision is a little
cloudy. It gets out of the jacket and the family gasps.
MIKE
Dad! That's not a turkey! It's a
PEACOCK!
RETURN TO SCENE
The peacock spreads its magnificently colorful tail knocking
down a near by vase. The tail also startles Kate, knocking
her backwards.
JESS
Dad, isn't this animal dangerous?
WILL
No honey I sedated him.
VIVIANA
Sedated? With what?
WILL
Some beer.
MIKE
You gave beer to a peacock!
Dad this is a animal that's in
danger of extinction... I think?
You don't want to eat him! I'm not
letting you cook this bird!
WILL
Then say goodbye to your allowance.
MIKE
I'm so hungry I cant wait! I hope
it's tasty!
The bird collapses on it's side and its tail contracts. Mike
rushes over to it and tries to find it's pulse. As a reflex
the bird's tail expands again and Mike falls flat on his
back.
EXT. HOLIDAY'S BACK YARD - MOMENTS LATER
Mike is tying a leash around one of the unconscious peacock'S
legs. The other side of the leash is tied to a water faucet.
The Holiday'S backyard is surrounded by lush trees and ferns.
Mike gently pats the peacock'S head.
MIKE
I'm not going to let my dad eat
you. I'll find a way to change his
mind.
Mike notices a box hidden between some bushes. He walks over
to see what it contains, but he is quickly blocked by
Viviana, who grabs the box.
MIKE
Mom, what's in the box?
VIVIANA
Nothing!
MIKE
Mom, why so defensive?
VIVIANA
I'm not defensive. Your just too
aggressive.
MIKE
Come on mom, you can trust me.
VIVIANA
No I can't. Mike, it's you. The kid
who told Jess that mixing car oil
and bird seeds makes a great
moisturizing lotion.
The kid who told Kate that
butterflies fly up people's noses
and lay their eggs in their brains,
and most importantly the kid who
told his teacher that his dad was
wanted for murder in 8 states!
MIKE
I paid dad's bail if you don't
remember!
VIVIANA
With the money you made from your
underground frog racing business!
MIKE
Okay mom. If you don't want to tell
me then I'm just going to find out
for myself.
Mike tries to take the box from Viviana but she runs away.
INT. HOLIDAY HOUSE KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
Mike and Viviana enter the kitchen. Will and Jess are slumped
at the small island eating cereal.
MIKE
(to Viviana)
Fine, don't show me what's in that
box!
VIVIANA
It's none of your business.
WILL
Hey Mike, how's the bird?
MIKE
He's fine! I mean, he's fine. It'll
wear off, in a couple of hours.
VIVIANA
Where's Kate?
INT. HOLIDAY HOUSE LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Kate is talking to Pappy's urn. She seems upset.
KATE
Pappy, I need your advice. I know I
didn't know you that well, but
you've always been a source of
inspiration for my parents. So now
I need your help.
(pause)
I don't think I can go on with this
holiday. I have nothing. Jess has
her bathing suit. Mike has all
those lights and decorations in a
box in the closet. My dad has his
bird in the backyard, and my mom...
well, I don't know what she has,
but I bet it's cool. I don't have
anything prepared. I don't even
know where I'm going to get a
Menorah. You have to help me Pappy,
please.
Kate gazes at Pappy's urn. Her eyes open up a little bit more
as we focus on some Barbie dolls in the urn's reflection. She
turns around, grabs the dolls and heads upstairs.
Mike and Viviana walk into the living room
MIKE
So you had Barbies in the box.
VIVIANA
I bought them a few days ago at a
garage sale. I know how much she
wants a new doll.
MIKE
So where do you keep your holiday
stuff?
VIVIANA
I told you, it's a secret.
MIKE
Well I hope you're not using the
living room because I already
planned out a spot for the tree.
VIVIANA
You're not ruining my beautiful
living room bringing a tree in.
The floor is going to be covered in
pine needles!
MIKE
So where do you suppose I put the
tree.
VIVIANA
You might want to consider your
room.
MIKE
How in the world do you expect me
to bring a tree that measures 3
meters in height into my room.
VIVIANA
What? A 3 meter tree! Where did you
get it from?
MIKE (V.O.)
It's being flow express airlines
from CANADA.
CUT TO:
INT. EXPRESS AIRLINES PLANE CARGO HOLD DAY
A massive PINE TREE is lying between a bunch of animal cages.
The airplane seems to hit some turbulence and one of the
cages falls. The cage hits the floor with so much force that
the cage door opens. We see a small SQUIRREL that jumps out
of the cage and looks around. The squirrel quickly scurries
to the tree and hides between the massive branches.
RETURN TO SCENE
MIKE
I got it from the botanical garden
down town.
VIVIANA
With what money?
MIKE
I have my savings!
VIVIANA
Well mister. Let's see how you plan
to get that tree into your room.
Just mark my words. That tree is
not coming in through this house's
door.
Viviana walks away into the kitchen. Leaving Mike alone. He
turns to see Pappy's urn.
MIKE
Any bright ideas now Pappy?
Mike sees the big tree planted in his front lawn reflected on
Pappy's urn. Mike gets an idea.
MIKE
(to Pappy)
Smart ash. I could have gotten that
advice from the TV's reflection.
Mike heads over to the phone. He sits down on the couch and
calls Bill.
MIKE
Hello, is Bill home?
(listens)
Thank you.
(listens and waits)
Hey Bill let me ask you something.
Can you bring your All Terrain
Vehicle here, like the day after
tomorrow
(listens)
Alright.
(listens)
Oh, and remember those chains you
use to have? You know the ones you
used as a leash for BRUTUS, may he
rest in peace.
INT. HOLIDAY HOUSE KITCHEN DAY
Jess and Will are sitting and talking on the little island in
the middle of the kitchen. Viviana is doing the dishes.
JESS
Dad, did you remember to pick up
the party favors I asked you to.
WILL
Oh, I'm sorry baby. I did stop at a
convenience store but I forgot.
After all you know I had a live
bird in the car.
JESS
So you didn't get anything for me?
WILL
Well no. But you know. They did
give me 3 of these "SCRATCH AND
WIN" tickets. You know if you get 3
dollar sings on one ticket you win
3 million dollars.
Mike walks in from the LIVING ROOM. He has a smile on his
face.
JESS
I'd better win dad.
Will pulls out 3 "SCRATCH AND WIN" tickets from out of his
pocket. He hands one to Mike and another to Jess. Will keeps
one. Jess, Mike, and Will start scratching the tickets.
MIKE
You know Jess, the chances of
actually winning one of these
things are like 1 in 8 million.
WILL
Dollar sign!
JESS
Hey, I got 1 dollar sing too.
(to Mike)
Looks like 8 million isn't that big
of a number.
MIKE
Man, I got one too.
They all keep scratching. Viviana stops washing the dishes
and pays attention to them.
WILL
2 dollar signs!
JESS
(exited)
Man, 2 dollar signs too!
MIKE
Holy crap, 2 dollar signs.
Now Viviana is holding her breath. The tension in the room is
unbearable.
WILL
No! 2 dollar signs and a lemon.
JESS
What? A scull? 2 dollar signs and a
skull!
MIKE
I can't scratch the thing off!
Someone give me a dime or
something!
Just then, a bunch of Barbies held together by string, clay,
tape, and glue, pop up besides Mike. This creation resembles
an 8 headed candlestick. It looks so creepy that when Mike
catches a glimpse of it he jumps back and almost climbs up on
the wall.
MIKE
What the hell is that thing?
Kate is holding up her creation.
KATE
(happily)
It's my MENORAH.
JESS
(to Kate)
Oh my God did you make that?
KATE
Yeah I did. Jealous much?
JESS
Not really that thing looks like it
was pulled out of a nightmare.
KATE
Stop it, it's not creepy. It's the
centerpiece of all my holiday!
Mike regains his cool, puts his ticket in his pocket and
walks over to Kate.
MIKE
Don't you ever do something like
that to me again. You know I'm
scared of creepy looking dolls.
MIKE (V.O.)
Don't ask. Just a bad puppet show
experience when I was a child.
KATE
Sorry! I forgot you where a
chicken!
MIKE
Well...(pause)... Santa Claus isn't
real!
KATE
Ah!
Kate runs out of the room screaming.
SCREEN GOES BLACK
The words "1 day left" appear
INT. HOLIDAY HOUSE JESS'S ROOM DAY
Close up of a pink alarm clock. 3:47 PM. Jess'S room has its
walls completely covered in posters of teen idols. She has a
pink bed with purple pillows. Her closet is open and it's
full of clothes. It seems like not even a sock could fit in
there because the closet would just explode.
Jess is sitting on the floor. She has a big black sheet with
gold sparkled letters that form the phrase "SPRING BREAK
PARTY HERE" She is painting a great big red arrow that points
downwards.
JESS
This is going to be the best party
ever! I'm finally getting to use a
bikini at a party.
Jess finishes drawing the arrow. She gets up and carefully
raises the sheet. She goes over to the door that is already a
little open. She just pulls the door with her foot and starts
walking out, but then at that same moment Will decides to
walk into the room.
WILL
Say Jess, have you seen the nose
hair trimmer anywhere?
JESS
Stop dad!
Will doesn't stop and crashes with the freshly painted
sheets. His whole face is covered in gold and red paint.
Jess tried to pull the sheet away from him but ended sliding
it all across his face.
WILL
No! I'm all covered in paint! What
the hell are you doing anyway?
JESS
Oh daddy...it's just that I'm
practicing... because I want to get
into advertising.
WILL
(suspicious)
Oh really? What was this
advertisement about?
Will tries to read what the sheet said but the painting is
all smothered.
JESS
Oh, this was an advertisement for
Tom'S business daddy.
WILL
I forgot Tom had a business.
JESS
Well he does and it's coming along
great. His ideas are really
catching on dad.
WILL
(sarcastically)
How he came up with the idea of
coming to peoples houses and
painting them I'll never know.
JESS
That's why he's the genius behind
his company.
WILL
Company? How many people actually
work for him?
JESS
At his last job he worked above
thousands of people.
WILL
That's because he mowed the lawn at
the cemetery. I mean now, how many
people work for him now.
JESS
Well none to be truthful. But he's
always working dad. There is a real
demand for his work. You should
come and see it. He's painting some
walls downtown next week. Maybe you
could come take a look?
WILL
You know what darling? I kind of
had enough paint for today. I'm
going to go take shower and wash
all this pain off, okay.
Will walks away and Jess gets back in her room. Puts the
sheet back on the floor and starts painting again.
JESS
(to herself)
Great, now I have to start all over
again!
EXT. HOLIDAY HOUSE ROOF DAY
Mike is walking on the ROOF with a big pile of Christmas
lights. He is carefully placing his feet so he doesn't slide
off. A ladder is place on the side. An electrical wire is
attached to the Christmas lights.
MIKE
(to himself)
Alright Mike, steady steps, steady
steps.
Mike gets on his knees right near the edge of the roof. He
takes out a hammer and some nails from his back pocket. He
puts the Christmas lights next to him as he places a nail on
the roof and starts to hammer it in.
INT. HOLIDAY HOUSE JESS'S ROOM DAY
Jess is painting the black sheet. We hear the loud hammering.
Jess looks up and lots of dust falls on her.
JESS
What in the world is that?
A chunk of the room's ceiling falls on her head.
JESS (CONT'D)
Ouch! That's it. I'm going to kill
whoever's on the roof!
EXT. HOLIDAY HOUSE ROOF DAY
Mike finished hammering the NAIL. Just a small stump of it is
left out. He grabs one end of the CHRISTMAS LIGHTS and wraps
it around the NAIL. Mike gets up and starts to walk to his
left along the ROOF'S EDGE. But then Mike is startled by
Jess'S loud voice.
JESS
What do you think you're doing?
Mike almost loses his balance, but he manages to stay
upright. He uses the lights as a whip to keep jess away.
MIKE
Don't scream at me! I could have
been killed, stupid!
JESS
Well, if had known that I would
have yelled louder!
MIKE
What are you doing here anyway?
JESS
I'm here so I can stop you from
making a huge hole in my room!
MIKE
What are you talking about?
JESS
All that hammering your doing is
making my roof collapse!
MIKE
I'm sorry, but I hardly think that
a small NAIL is going to be
bringing down the house!
JESS
Why are you hammering anyway?
MIKE
I have to decorate the house. For
Christmas!
JESS
No you don't! We're doing spring
break! Now give me that hammer!
Jess starts walking over to Mike. She is not placing her feet
right.
MIKE
No stop! You're going to fall!
Surely enough Jess loses her footing and lands on her back.
She starts to slide towards Mike. She screams. Mike knows he
has to do something so he doesn't fall too, so he spreads his
legs apart and Jess slides in between them. Jess thinks
quickly and grabs Mike'S ankles as she is passing between his
legs. Mike falls flat on his face. Now they are both sliding
off the ROOF.
Mike'S hands are struggling franticly to find something to
hang on to. Mike is all tangled up with the Christmas lights.
Jess is now nearing the ROOF'S edge. Jess falls off the roof
and just then Mike grabs a hold of the CHRISTMAS LIGHTS that
are tied to the NAIL. Mike slides off the ROOF but the
CHRISTMAS LIGHTS stop him. Jess suddenly stops and is now
dangling off the side of the house only holding on to Mike'S
jeans.
JESS
Mike, don't let go , don't let go!
MIKE
What makes you think I will?
Now stop moving, alright!
Jess is freaking out. She is flaring her legs and holding on.
She is not that high from the floor but it certainly wouldn't
be a nice fall. There are some bushes right underneath her.
MIKE
Now Jess, you have to let go!
It's not that great of a fall!
JESS
I'm not about to let go! Why don't
you pull me up? Now!
MIKE
I'm not a freaking bodybuilder
Jess! You're going to have to let
go because your pulling my pants
down!
Jess looks up and sees that Mike'S pants are starting to fall
off. Jess starts to climb up Mike.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Wait! Stop! You cant climb up me!
JESS
Yes I can!
Jess is now climbing up Mike, but Mike'S pants slip down to
his ankles. Mike is now hanging from the roof with his pants
down and exposing his boxer briefs that have a happy face on
his butt.
JESS (CONT'D)
(looking up)
Why is your ass smiling?
MIKE
You're criticizing my wardrobe at a
time like this!
JESS
Well I'm not the only one!
You should take a peek at the
scenery little bro.
Mike turns his head a little to see a group of kids that are
standing on the sidewalk pointing and laughing at him.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Oh, no!
A BIRDS flies towards Jess and pecks her on the arm. It then
flies away.
JESS
Ouch! What the hell?
MIKE
What happened?
JESS
A BIRD flew into me!
Then ANOTHER BIRD flies towards her and pecks her other arm.
She struggles to keep them off, but then the BIRD comes back,
pecks her and flies away, and then again, and again. Jess
screams.
MIKE
Why are you screaming?
JESS
BIRDS are attacking me!
MIKE
Why?
JESS
How am I supposed to know? It might
be from that moisturizing lotion I
made.
MIKE
You believed the car oil and bird
seed lotion lie?
JESS
It was a lie? Now I'm going to die
because of you!
The BIRD flies into Jess again. This time coming straight at
her face. She screams and lets go of Mike's pants. She falls
onto the bushes below and disappears into them.
MIKE
Jess are you okay?
Mike starts to pull himself up using the CHRISTMAS LIGHTS as
a rope. He is able to pull his upper body onto the ROOF, but
he slips and lets go. He slides off the ROOF again and starts
falling towards the bushes below, but the CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
become tangled in his right leg. He stops with a jolt. He is
abruptly turned upside down and swung into the wall.
MIKE (V.O.)
At that moment I thought things
couldn't get worse.
MIKE'S P.O.V
His eyes are blurry, but he soon focuses on the window in
front of this face. He sees Will in the shower.
MIKE (V.O.)
But they did.
RETURN TO SCENE
Mike screams and struggles to move away from the window. The
CHRISTMAS LIGHTS break and Mike falls to the ground.
EXT. HOLIDAY HOUSE FRONT LAWN DAY
Jess sticks her head out of the bushes.
JESS
(relieved)
Yes! I'm alive!
Mike falls right on top of her and they both disappear into
the bushes.
INT. HOLIDAY HOUSE KITCHEN DAY
Viviana puts a cold steak on Jess'S swollen face. Jess has
her lower lip swollen and purple. Her left cheek is
considerably bigger. Mike sits besides her. He looks okay.
VIVIANA
(concerned)
What were you doing?
MIKE
We were putting the CHRISTMAS
LIGHTS up.
VIVIANA
You should have been more careful.
MIKE
I was careful. I just didn't expect
Jess trying to kill me.
JESS
(she has trouble speaking)
Mike! I was falling off the roof
and you did nothing to help me!
You wanted me to die!
MIKE
And you tried to take me with you!
VIVIANA
Why do you have to be fighting all
the time?
MIKE
Just because. That's what we do.
We're a family!
VIVIANA
Great explanation Mike! You know,
you might think I don't care for
you kids, but I do! You gave me one
of the worst feelings a mother can
ever get in her life.
MIKE
Don't worry about anything now mom.
We're okay.
JESS
Speak for yourself Mike. I'm going
to have to host my party looking
like a I freaking came out of a
boxing match!
VIVIANA
What party?
JESS
Oh, don't give me that surprised
look mom!
(she stands up)
Everyone knew I was doing Spring
Break. What did you expect me to
do? A tea party!
VIVIANA
That's what you did when you were
little!
JESS
But I'm not mom! Times change. We
change. Deal with it!
VIVIANA
I'm trying!
JESS
Apparently not hard enough!
VIVIANA
That is it! You are not having that
party in my house.
JESS
Just wait and see!
Jess storms out of the kitchen holding the steak to her face.
VIVIANA
(to Jess)
Oh I will wait!
MIKE
(to Viviana)
Aren't you forgetting something?
VIVIANA
(to Mike)
Oh yeah.
(to Jess)
And I will see!
SCREEN GOES BLACK
The word "HOLIDAYS" appears on screen
EXT. HOLIDAY HOUSE FRONT LAWN DAY
A WATCH. 5:46 PM. The watch belongs to an "EXPRESS AIRLINES"
DELIVERY GUY. Mike has a Santa Claus hat on. The pine tree is
lying in the middle of the lawn. Frank is next to it and is
staring at it in disbelief, he has some chains over his
shoulder.
Bill is sitting on an ALL TERRAIN VEHICLE that's parked on
the lawn. Both Bill and Frank have reindeer horns taped to
their heads.
MIKE
(to delivery guy)
Well even thou it's a little late
I'll still take it.
DELIVERY GUY
Thank you sir. Have a nice day.
The delivery guy gets into his DELIVERY TRUCK and drives
away. Mike sprints over to the pine tree.
FRANK
Wow! That's one big pine tree.
MIKE
I know. It was the only one they
had.
BILL
(to Mike)
So let me get this straight.
You an your family are making a
mock holiday because of a
psychologist?
MIKE
Right.
BILL
And your family can't decide which
holiday to recreate?
MIKE
Right.
BILL
And this is supposed to bring your
family together?
MIKE
You got it.
BILL
Kind of backfired huh?
MIKE
It did. But that's not the problem
right now. The real problem is
getting this pine tree up to my
room.
FRANK
(to Mike)
And how do you suppose we do that?
MIKE
(to Frank)
You see Frank. We're going to tie
one end of the chains to the pine
tree, and throw the other end over
that big branch on this TREE.
Mike points to the tree on his front lawn. The tree has a
branch that is parallel to Mike'S BEDROOM WINDOW.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Then we tie that end of the chain
to the ALL TERRAIN VEHICLE. So when
I tell Bill to pull, he's going to
start his ALL TERRAIN VEHICLE and
back up. This will raise the pine
tree.
Meanwhile, you and I are going to
go up to my ROOM, and are going to
pull the pine tree in with another
rope. That's my plan for world
domination. Got it?
FRANK
Yeah. Oh, and Mike, one final
question. Why do we have to be
wearing these reindeer horns?
MIKE
Isn't it obvious? You're also
getting into the holiday spirit
idiot! I'm trying to spread the
holiday joy!
FRANK
(to himself)
Doesn't seem like it.
MIKE
What the hell is that supposed to
mean jackass?
FRANK
Well its just that you seem a
little stressed out. That doesn't
make you look very joyful.
MIKE
I'm joyful Frank! I'm joyful! I'm
just freaking jolly! I'm jolly like
freaking Santa Clause on his
freaking wedding night! Okay! Now
get over there and tie that end of
the chains to the tree Rudolf!
FRANK
Sir! Yes! Sir!
Frank runs over to the ALL TERRAIN VEHICLE. He begins to tie
the chain to its bumper. Bill just stares at him.
The minivan pulls in to the driveway. Will gets out the
minivan, he's carrying a big BUTCHER KNIFE. He darts across
the lawn with the look of a mad man. Mike gets in front of
him.
MIKE
Dad! What's that knife for?
WILL
Son get out of my way. It's already
late and I haven't event started
making dinner.
MIKE
What are you going to do to the
peacock?
WILL
Well, first I'm going to kill him,
pluck him, stuff him, cook him, and
then... I'm going to eat him.
Will pushes Mike aside and heads into the house. Mike turns
back and screams to Frank and Bill.
MIKE
Hey guys! Think you can do this
with out me?
BILL
Yeah no problem Mike! Piece of
cake!
Mike goes into the house.
FRANK
I tell you Bill, the next time Mike
screams at me and orders me around
I'm not going to stand for it. No
one is going to bring me down now!
BILL
Shut up and hurry up Frank!
I don't have all day!
FRANK
Alright.
Frank grabs one end of the chains, throws it over the branch
and tries to grab it when it swings back down, but Frank
doesn't catch it and it hits him right in the face. Frank
falls backwards and Bill stares at him with pity. Bill then
looks at the pine tree and catches a glimpse of something
moving inside it.
INT. HOLIDAY HOUSE LIVING ROOM DAY
Will is headed towards the KITCHEN. Mike cuts in front of him
and extends his arms blocking the KITCHEN'S ENTRANCE.
WILL
Get out of my way!
MIKE
No dad, you're not going to kill a
peacock. It's an endangered
species. I think? You could go to
jail... again! And this time I
don't have the time nor the frogs
to bail you out... again!
WILL
What the heck are you talking
about?
MIKE
I'm talking about you not killing
that bird.
WILL
Mike just get out my way or I'll
swear I'll use this knife!
Will raises the BUTCHER KNIFE over his head in a threatening
manner. Mike grabs on to the door as hard as he can.
MIKE
Your going to have to push me away!
WILL
No problem!
Will lowers the BUTCHER KNIFE and pulls out of his back
pocket the menorah that Kate made. He shoves it in Mike'S
face. Mike lets out a high pitch scream, much like the scream
Will performed at PAT & SALLY'S BIRD SANCTUARY.
MIKE
Ah! Get that away! Get that away!
Mike backs up and Will pushes him out of the way.
WILL
Now, where is that bird?
Will runs out into the backyard. Mike follows him.
EXT. HOLIDAY BACK YARD DUSK
Will walks out of the house and towards the peacock. Mike
quickly cuts in front of him again.
WILL
Mike I wont tell you twice! That
bird is food!
MIKE
Lets see if you've got the guts
dad.
(screaming at Kate O.C)
Kate! Get over here!
Kate walks out of the house and sees her father standing over
the peacock raising the BUTCHER KNIFE.
KATE
Dad! Stop! Don't kill it!
Kate runs over and pulls on Will'S leg. Will looks at her.
KATE (CONT'D)
Please daddy! Don't do it! You
can't!
WILL
Look Kate I... I have to.
I really have to.
KATE
No you don't daddy.
Kate's eyes are filled with tears.
WILL
(beat)
You're right. I don't have to. I
won't do it.
Will gets down on his knees and hugs Kate.
MIKE (V.O.)
I knew my dad would never kill
something. It just takes a little
sweet kid to keep and adult from
doing something stupid. Oh, and of
course some cash for the kid too.
INT. HOLIDAY'S LIVING ROOM SUNSET
Frank walks into the living room.
FRANK
Mike? I finished tying the chains.
Jess walks down the stairs. She's wearing a pink belly dancer
outfit. A veil covers her fat lip. Frank'S jaw drops, he's
hypnotized by her beauty.
JESS
If it isn't a horny kid in my
living room.
Will looks down at his pants and then at Jess. She points to
his antlers.
FRANK
Oh! Yeah, you mean the antlers?
JESS
Yeah.
Mike walks in. He looks at Jess
MIKE
Jess, why are you wearing that
thing?
JESS
I changed my mind Mike. Spring
Break doesn't qualify as a holiday.
So instead I'm doing Halloween.
MIKE
What? I cant believe you. I bet you
don't even have a special Halloween
family memory.
JESS
Okay, maybe I don't. But it's your
fault I had to pick a holiday were
I could cover my face. I'm not
hosting a party with a fat lip.
FRANK
Mike, sorry to interrupt your
brotherly talk, but I finished.
MIKE
Alright lets go Frank, lets leave
Aladdin here to host her stupid
party.
JESS
Where do you think your going?
MIKE
To my room, now move over!
Mike and Frank run up the stairs pushing Jess aside. Will and
Kate come in.
WILL
Jess! Go change!
JESS
Oh great, another idiot!
WILL
Don't call me an idiot! I'm your
father, and as your father I have
the right to tell you what to wear!
That thing looks like a Halloween
costume!
JESS
That's because it is!
KATE
You changed your holiday?
JESS
Yes, I changed it okay! Leave me
alone!
KATE
I didn't know you could do that. My
holiday went down in flames! I even
lost my menorah! I'm changing too!
Will covers up the menorah in his back pocket.
INT. MIKE'S ROOM
Mike'S room is painted blue, with soccer posters on the
walls. Mike and Frank rush in. They open the window and stick
their head out.
MIKE
Hey Bill toss the rope!
BILL(O.C.)
Okay. Here it goes.
Bill tosses the rope. Mike ducks and the rope flies through
the window and hits Frank in between the eyes.
MIKE
Frank are you alright?
BILL (O.C.)
I tied a rock to it! It wouldn't go
up that far.
FRANK
Now you tell me!
Frank stumbles to bed. He lays down.
FRANK (CONT'D)
I'm just going to lay here if you
don't mind Mike.
MIKE
No, it's okay Frank. Just stay
still, I can pull the tree in by
myself.
Mike grabs the rope and dashes to the window.
MIKE
Hey Bill! Start pulling!
EXT. HOLIDAY HOUSE FRONT LAWN DUSK
Bill is already on his ALL TERRAIN VEHICLE. It starts to pull
the chains. The tree rises. Bill changes gears and the tree
rises up to Mike'S window.
MIKE (V.O.)
From here on the madness ensued.
Get ready.
INTERCUT BETWEEN FRONT LAWN AND MIKE'S ROOM
Mike pulls on the rope and the tree comes closer to his
window.
MIKE
(to himself)
Come on Mike! You can do this!
Mike places his feet on the window sill. He's not strong
enough.
Bill switches gears but the ATV is starting to slide
backwards. The tree is too heavy.
Mike can't pull any more. He is now being pulled out of his
window, but he won't give up.
The ATV's hind wheels are lifted from the ground. The ATV is
pulled into the air. Bill falls off.
Mike is catapulted out of his window. He lands on the falling
tree. The tree swings and smashes into the living room
window.
INT. HOLIDAY LIVING ROOM
The tree comes crashing into the room. Mike is holding on to
the tree for dear life. The tree flies through the room and
lands standing on a corner, blocking the closet door. Mike is
hanging like a monkey from the tree. Kate, Viviana, Will,
Jess, Bill, and Frank come into the living room.
VIVIANA
Oh my wall! My window! What
happened?
WILL
Mike! What did you do?
Mike dips his head into the tree in remorse. He opens his
eyes and sees 2 other small eyes looking back at him.
MIKE
What the hell?
A squirrel latches on to his face. Mike drops from the tree
and runs around screaming.
MIKE
Get it of, get it of!
Jess thinks quickly and tries to punch the squirrel. The
squirrel moves and she punches Mike in the face.
JESS
Oh my God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
MIKE
Why are you punching me?
The squirrel goes in Mike'S shirt. It moves around and then
decides to go into his pants. Mike punches himself everywhere
trying to hit the squirrel.
MIKE
Oh, he's going into my pants! No!
BILL
Careful Mike remember squirrels eat
nuts!
Mike freaks out and flails his legs in the air. The squirrel
flies out of one of his pant's legs. The squirrel zooms
across the room and goes out the smashed window.
MIKE
What the hell was in that tree?
VIVIANA
No! Better yet, why is that tree in
my living room? Mike I don't know
how you're going to fix this, but
you better start saving up some
money!
A COLLEGE GUY opens the front door.
COLLEGE GUY
Yo! Is this were the Halloween
party's at?
JESS
Yeah come in!
VIVIANA
What? No, you cant come in!
The college guy ignores Viviana and comes in. After him 100
more guys and girls in costumes storm inside. They push
everyone back. The stereo starts pumping. The whole house is
overtaken by party people. Tom walks in and walks over to
Mike who is now separated from his family by the party.
TOM
Hey Mike, where's your sister?
MIKE
I don't know, but thank God you
came in!
Mike pulls out of his pockets some lose change, his cell
phone, the "SCRATCH & WIN" ticket, and a rubber band. He
hands them to Tom
MIKE
Tom, hold this stuff. They're the
only things I'm going to have after
my dad takes everything away. Keep
them for me!
TOM
Okay, little dude. But why is
he going to take everything
away?
Mike points to the window.
TOM
Oh man! I thought that was part of
the decoration.
Will appears from between the crowd and pulls Mike into the
back yard.
EXT. HOLIDAY BACKYARD NIGHT
Will drags Mike out of the house. They stand in the middle of
the yard. In the background a pair of COLLEGE GIRLS are
smoking near a bush.
WILL
Mike, do you have any idea of what
you almost did? You almost took
down the whole wall!
MIKE
I know dad! What I did was stupid.
It wont happen again.
WILL
You bet it wont! I'm never letting
you out of my sight!
Viviana comes out of the house screaming at the two college
girls.
VIVIANA
No! Don't smoke there!
The college girls get scared and throw the cigarettes in to
the bush.
VIVIANA
No! Not in the bush! The fireworks
are in there!
MIKE
(to Viviana)
What fireworks?
VIVIANA
I choose 4th of July!
The bush explodes into flames. Multi colored sparks fly out
of it. The college girls run into the house. Mike darts
towards the peacock. He sets it free. A firework rocket is
flying right towards his face. Will tackles Mike to the
ground as the firework whooshes past their heads.
MIKE
Dad! You saved me!
WILL
I told you I was never going to let
you out of my sight.
More rockets and sparks are zipping out of the burning bush.
Some go into the sky and others whirl around on the ground. A
rocket goes into the house.
INT. HOLIDAY LIVING ROOM NIGHT
People are dancing wildly. Jess is strutting her stuff on top
of the coffee table. Drinks are spilled onto the pine tree.
Then the fireworks rocket zooms into the room.
JESS
Now what? I'm being bombed!
Jess falls backwards off the table. Tom catches her.
TOM
Jess I've got great news!
JESS
Not now Tom! There are fireworks in
my house!
A rocket dashes in front of them. It crashes into the pine
tree. The pine tree bursts into flames. The curtains catch on
fire. The party people scurry out the door and Bill and Frank
jump out the hole in the wall.
JESS
Oh my gosh! Tom, help me put the
fire out!
Tom disappears out the door that leads into the back yard.
JESS (CONT'D)
Don't leave me Tom!
Mike, Will, and Viviana storm into the room. Mike is holding
the peacock with a leash.
WILL
Get the fire extinguisher!
VIVIANA
Where is it?
WILL
In the closet!
VIVIANA
You mean the one behind the burning
tree?
Kate runs down the stairs.
KATE
Fire! Fire!
MIKE
Calm down Kate!
WILL
Mike, get your sisters out of here!
Mike takes Kate by the hand and they dart out the front door.
Jess and Viviana follow them. Will tries to put out the tree
by hitting it with the couch cushions. The cushions go up in
flames and Will is left there trying to figure out what to
do.
WILL
There's got to be something I could
use!
Tom burst into the house with a hose in his hands. Tom sprays
the tree and puts it out, but the hose is still on, and soaks
everything. The TV throws sparks and the stereo system stops
playing music.
EXT. HOLIDAY FRONT LAWN NIGHT
Viviana, Jess, Mike, and Kate stare in disbelief. The final
firework explodes into thousands of little lights in the sky
above. A soaking wet Will and Tom come out of the house.
TOM
We put out the fire. Everything's
okay in there. Except for your TV
and stereo.
JESS
Tom! I thought you left me.
TOM
No baby. I went to get the hose in
the backyard. I almost got
decapitated by a firework.
MIKE
Dad are you alright?
WILL
I'm fine, it's just a little weird
to see a Christmas tree crash into
your living room, see your kid
attacked by squirrels and save him
from a rocket, and then see your
living room in flames.
The sound of police sirens.
JESS
The cops are coming!
WILL
Quick Mike hide the bird.
Mike grabs the peacock and puts it behind his back. The
police car stops in front of the house and OFFICER #1 and
OFFICER #2 step out of it.
OFFICER #1
We received a call informing us of
a party disrupting the peace and an
unauthorized fireworks display at
your address.
VIVIANA
We can explain officers.
WILL
Officers we did have a party and we
cleared it out. We were celebrating
a holiday.
OFFICER # 2
There's no holidays this time of
year.
WILL
It was a fake holiday recommended
by our psychologist. We all had to
pick a holiday and we got kind of
caught up in the thing.
OFFICER # 1
So what was the holiday about?
WILL
Well, we didn't decide on a certain
holiday. We kind of mixed them up.
OFFICER # 1
What do you mean mixed them up?
WILL
We all chose a different one. Like
I chose thanksgiving.
JESS
Yes, it's true. I chose Spring
Break and then changed to
Halloween.
MIKE
And I chose-
The peacock'S tail expands. Mike is standing in front of the
police officers with a multicolored tail expanded behind his
back.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Carnival.
EXT. HOLIDAY FRONT LAWN DAY
Will is blabbering on a cell phone. Viviana, Mike, Kate, and
Jess are slumping on the sidewalk next to their minivan which
is loaded with suitcases on top.
MIKE
I can't believe we got run out of
the neighborhood.
VIVIANA
Well it's the last thing they could
do. Fireworks swirling around their
houses isn't what you would exactly
neighborhood friendly.
JESS
I shouldn't have changed my holiday
anyway. People walking around with
bloody wounds in the middle of
summer wasn't such a good idea.
(beat)
Kate, did you change your holiday?
KATE
I did. I wanted an easy one, so I
remembered the time we went hiking.
I changed it to Arbor Day.
MIKE
But you don't do anything on Arbor
Day.
KATE
Exactly.
MIKE
That's smart.
(beat)
Mom, why did you pick 4th of July
anyway?
VIVIANA
The first day my father and I came
to America. We got of the plane in
New York, an as we looked for a
place to spend the night, I
remember gazing at the flashes of
light that illuminated the sky.
That was the moment I realized that
maybe my dreams would come true. To
be in a place where I could live in
peace and prosperity with my
family. Now every 4th of July when
we go to see the fireworks, I know
that my dream came true. I got you
guys.
MIKE
Mom I love you.
JESS
Me too mom, I love you.
KATE
Me three. I love you mommy.
Will strolls over.
WILL
Were going to stay at Aunt Sylvia'S
house kids. We'd better get a move
on. We'll come back to get all the
stuff when we find a new house.
They say it's not safe to stay in
this one
(beat)
Are you guys crying?
MIKE
No dad, lets just get in the car
and go.
Mike, Viviana, Will, and Kate get into the minivan. Jess
stays on the sidewalk as Tom parks his car. Tom steps out,
he's carrying some grocery bags.
TOM
Jess, I'm glad you're still here.
The guys and I pitched in and
bought you some groceries.
(beat)
Did you know the PIGGLY PIGGY is a
mess?
JESS
That's nice Tom. I'm going over to
my aunt's house. I'll call you when
we get there, and thanks for the
groceries. You can put them in the
back with the other stuff.
TOM
Okay. Oh, I almost forgot, your
brother gave me this, can you give
it to him when he feels better? I
bet destroying the house gets him
in a bad mood.
Tom reaches into his pocket. He pulls out Mike'S cell phone,
a rubber band, and some lose change. Jess takes the stuff and
walks into the car. Tom opens the minivan'S rear door and
puts the groceries in. He puts his hand into his pocket again
and pulls out the "SCRATCH AND WIN" ticket. His eyes dart
over to Mike, who has his head against the car window.
TOM
Poor kid. I'll just put it in this
can.
Tom lifts the lid from Pappy's urn and drops the ticket
inside. The ticket lands on the bottom of the urn face up.
There are 3 dollar signs. The last one is half scratched out.
Tom puts the lid back on.
MIKE (V.O.)
Yeah, we won 3 million dollars!
Tom lowers the rear door, but it doesn't close properly.
MIKE (V.O.)
He didn't close the rear door! I
should have known!
The minivan screeches away.
MIKE (V.O.)
And as you know everything turned
out okay.
MONTAGE
Will is standing outside of "PAT & SALLY'S BIRD SANCTUARY".
Only now the sign says "WILL & FAMILY BIRD SANCTUARY"
MIKE (V.O.)
My dad bought a small shop just
outside of California. He raises
all kinds of birds. The business is
great.
Kate has a lemonade stand outside in the front lawn of a
beautiful mansion. The stand's sing reads "LEMONADE AND
DOLLS". Kate is selling a doll that looks just like Raggy to
a LITTLE GIRL.
MIKE (V.O.)
Kate is selling dolls now. She
imports them from Guatemala. Oh,
and that mansion in the back? It's
our summer home.
Viviana stands on a field with head phones on her head. It's
night. She pushes a small trigger on a pen like device.
Thousands of fireworks blast into the sky in a parade of
colors.
MIKE (V.O.)
My mom became an organizer for the
"California 4th of July Fireworks
Spectacular". It's kind of her
thing now.
Jess and Tom pose for a photograph in front of a mural with
the [Mona Lisa] painted on it. They're holding a big check.
MIKE (V.O.)
Turns out Tom wasn't just painting
houses, he was painting
masterpieces. He won a mural
painting contest downtown. Jess
couldn't be happier. They get
married in spring.
Mike is stretching on a ladder inside a beautiful dinning
room. He puts the star on top a Christmas tree. Viviana sits
at the table with a star spangled banner in her hand, while
Will is placing a big turkey dinner on the table. Jess is
sitting with an astronaut costume on, and Kate is placing the
Barbie menorah as the centerpiece.
MIKE (V.O.)
Oh, and as for me. Well I'm just
happy the family gets along well.
Mike comes down from the ladder, strides over to the table,
sees the menorah and falls backwards from the shock. He pulls
on the mantle and the dinner splatters all over Jess and
Kate. A heated argument ensues.
MIKE (V.O.)
Well, we still have some issues to
work out. See you next year guys
and happy holidays.
THE END
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