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THE DELIVERY MAN
by
GORDON MADSEN
Address:
Kirkfield End
Colvend
Dalbeattie
Telephone:
mobile: 07775747593
e-mail: g37madsen@yahoo.com
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Michael
Delia
MacIntyre
Creamy
Brian
Roberta
Nigel
Assassin One
Assassin Two
Voice
Boss
Barbara
Jennifer
Nick
Ronnie
1 EXT CITY NIGHT
Opening credits on a black screen end and fade up to panoramic view of
a city at night. We close slowly on two facing apartment blocks. It is
evening, there is a light in a window in one of the blocks upon which
we close. There is slow, dramatic music playing softly in the
background creating a dark, sinister atmosphere.
CUT TO:
2 INT APARTMENT NIGHT
A youngish man, MICHAEL, enters an apartment. It is rather untidy,
quite small, perhaps a little old-fashioned given the age of the
occupant. He is a slightly bookish, timid-looking man. MICHAEL says the
word, 'Roberta', inquisitively, as he walks into a living room and sits
down. When there is no answer he gets up again and walks through to a
bedroom where he is confronted by two people in bed having sex. It is
clearly not loving, more wild, animalistic and they are obviously
having a pretty good time. The woman, ROBERTA looks up and sees him.
She doesn't instantly react, giving us the impression that she is not
exactly horrified about being caught, there is, indeed, a suggestion
that she is actually enjoying the moment. MICHAEL doesn't say anything,
rather just stands there with his mouth open.
CUT TO:
A little later back in the living room ROBERTA and MICHAEL stand facing
each other. ROBERTA has a sophisticated, uncompromising appearance and
looks defiant, MICHAEL, crestfallen. Her friend has evidently gone.
They are each holding a glass of whisky.
MICHAEL
How could you do it, I mean, I thought, I thought, we, we meant
something to each other?
ROBERTA
I wanted to, so I did.
MICHAEL
(miserably)
And that's it? You just, you just...
ROBERTA
(interrupting)
Jesus Christ can't you even get angry, throw something at me, shout,
swear...
MICHAEL
(quietly)
I just feel numb.
ROBERTA
(losing her temper, starting shout)
Numb, numb, God almighty, just as well I didn't tell you about the
others you'd be in a coma by now.
MICHAEL
(weakly, taking a drink and coughing)
The others?
ROBERTA
(screaming)
Yes the others, all the rest of the men who've been screwing me.
(smashing her glass against a wall in a fury) I'm fed up, fed up with
your ineptitude, your limp, insipid presence in my life, your books,
your hopelessness. (pause, MICHAEL looks stunned) Yes hopelessness, God
I don't know why I ever bothered, you, you just don't have any life in
you Michael, any ambition. I mean what about that London thing, you
have the chance to go and work and study in one of the most exciting
cities in the world and you just, (putting on a voice) I can't do that,
I'm Michael, I'm sad and pathetic...
There is a pause as they look at each other, MICHAEL looks blank,
ROBERTA still looks defiant. MICHAEL sighs and sits down.
MICHAEL
Well I might go now.
ROBERTA finds her handbag and takes out a letter, handing it to him as
she walks towards the front door.
ROBERTA
Good, you do that, (handing over the letter) Here, this is for you.
She leaves the apartment. MICHAEL opens the letter, it reads, 'I've
left you.' After a second or two he shrugs his shoulders a bit. Maybe
he is not quite as upset as we thought.
CUT TO:
3 EXT CITY NIGHT
Back on the outside of the building the camera pans round to view the
facing block where the man who was having sex with ROBERTA, NIGEL, sits
in a window, about a hundred yards away. He is in profile, at a
computer screen, shaking his head but seemingly engrossed in what he is
doing. The dramatic music continues as we close slowly on his window.
CUT TO:
4 INT NIGEL'S APARTMENT NIGHT
We view NIGEL now from inside the apartment, still at the computer. The
apartment is well appointed, lights slightly dimmed, modern decor, the
abode of a young professional. He has an intense, ruthless appearance.
We hear the sound of a door opening and closing then footsteps, which
reveal themselves to be ROBERTA. NIGEL speaks without looking round.
The music now fades.
NIGEL
You've left him then?
ROBERTA
Yes, I told you I would, he was talking about going to London
incidentally.
NIGEL
That loser couldn't find his way to the airport.
CUT TO:
5 INT PLANE NIGHT
MICHAEL is sitting on a plane, in flight, looking at his ticket, which
indicates that he is going to London. A pretty girl sits next to him,
he says, 'Hi!' to her, she smiles back.
CUT TO:
6 EXT LONDON DAY
We slowly pan around the centre of London. It is a bright, sunlit day.
The streets are bustling with life, the river is busy with boats of all
shapes and sizes. We have the impression that this is where the story
begins in earnest, the previous scenes having served, loosely, as a
prologue. We close slowly on an office block in the West End.
CUT TO:
7 INT BRIAN'S OFFICE/NIGEL'S FLAT DAY/NIGHT
On the inside of a modern, open-plan office we observe fingers drumming
on a desk. We pan out to reveal that they are attached to a man in a
suit, BRIAN, talking on a phone. BRIAN appears to be trying to be the
ruthless type but comes across more as irritable and vaguely
incompetent. NIGEL is still sitting at his desk in the flat in which we
previously saw him. Their conversation betrays a slight animosity but
no more than that.
BRIAN
So do we ever get it, or is it all just a waste of time?
CUT TO:
NIGEL
It'll happen. I know it will, just be patient. In any case you better
be nice to me or I'll find someone else.
CUT TO:
BRIAN
You forget, I know what you're doing.
CUT TO:
NIGEL
And you forget that you can't do anything without the magic number or,
for that matter, me. I'll phone you in a couple of days... Bye.
NIGEL puts the phone down and turns to ROBERTA, who is standing behind
him. She has her hands on her hips and has the air of someone who is
expecting a few answers.
ROBERTA
(irritably)
Why do we need him? Can't we just do it ourselves? He's such an
asshole.
NIGEL
He is an asshole, but we need an offshore account, we need someone else
for insurance in case anything goes wrong, we need someone to organise
all the things I know nothing about. In short we need a dodgy
accountant and, as he says, he already knows about it and he's perfect.
Anyway, we'd struggle to find someone else from here.
ROBERTA
We could go to Hong Kong or somewhere and do it ourselves. Or Guam.
NIGEL
We could, but we don't trust him and he doesn't trust us. We all know
where we stand and none of us can afford to take chances. That's the
best way for this to work. And Guam, by the way, is a type of cheese.
ROBERTA
(slightly thrown by the Guam statement but letting it pass)
How does this work, exactly?
NIGEL
Well, when they built Microtech 19 software (imitating what is
evidently a TV advertisement) you know, 'we are your future', they put
in what is known as a back door. This means that anyone with the code
number, the back door if you like, can access any file held by anyone
using Microtech 19 software. Everyone in other words from the local
video store to the defence department. Most importantly for our
purposes however, the banks.
ROBERTA
And we need Brian why?
NIGEL
Well there's no limit to how much money we can steal, if it works so I
thought why not get an accountant who can show us what to do with
several million dollars, you know, just help to keep us anonymous. I
can't believe we can just walk up to the bank and withdraw half the
national debt without arousing any suspicion.
ROBERTA
Mm, I still think he's an asshole.
CUT TO:
8 EXT/INT AIRPORT NIGHT
MICHAEL walks down the steps and off the plane at Heathrow Airport. We
follow him as he trails quietly into the terminal. He looks as though
he wants to turn round and get straight back onto the next plane out.
CUT TO:
MICHAEL walking out of the airport still looking a bit lost, struggling
with suitcases and finally hailing a taxi. He is very much the innocent
abroad.
CUT TO:
9 INT TAXI LONDON NIGHT
MICHAEL is sitting worrying in the back of the taxi looking around as
they drive through the centre of London. It is the weekend, a hive of
activity, the pavements teeming with people, the neon lights making it
look almost like daylight. It is almost as busy as the airport
terminal. The colour and the life in these streets make them seem
rather overpowering and quite intimidating to Michael.
CUT TO:
10 EXT/INT UNIVERSITY DAY
MICHAEL walks into a building in London University. He goes to
reception where he is confronted by a young WOMAN.
WOMAN
(with rather more hostility than would appear necessary)
What?
MICHAEL
(nervously)
Ah, er, hello my name's Michael Scott, I'm here to see Dr Lander.
WOMAN
Sit down. Someone'll see you in a minute.
He wanders over to the seating area and sits down. He doesn't look very
comfortable and is clearly still ill at ease in his new surroundings.
When he speaks he sounds as if he is trying not upset anyone. It is a
fairly typical university setting. There are lots of plants, a few
students are wandering around, the walls are plastered with posters.
MICHAEL just stands there looking unhappy. His eye is caught by a neon
sign on the wall which flashes the message, '99 days to go!'
SAM
You must be Michael.
MICHAEL
(smiling hopefully)
I am. Dr Lander , I presume?
SAM
Well, no actually, I'm afraid there's been a bit of a problem. Dr
Lander had to resign.
MICHAEL
(with some dismay)
Really? oh, ah, so, so what does that mean? I mean, what do I...
SAM
(interrupting)
Well, I'm afraid we are not now in a position to offer you a teaching
post or the accommodation that went with it, you see, Dr Lander had
intended to sort things out before you arrived, but, er, well, his time
was taken up with other matters. The filthy swine.
MICHAEL
What? Wha...
SAM
(interrupting)
Oh don't worry about the PhD. Everything's sorted out for you there,
you can start straight away or you can wait until the beginning of term
if you want. That's in about three weeks.
MICHAEL
(starting to panic)
But, but where will I stay? How can I support myself?
SAM
(with a knowing smile)
Why don't you try Earl's Court?
CUT TO:
11 EXT/INT EARL'S COURT NIGHT
MICHAEL struggles up a very busy street being pushed and jostled by the
passers-by. The street is brightly lit and busy, a near naked beggar
holding a bottle of meths stands in front of him and howls like a
banshee, a few people smile as the beggar and MICHAEL regard each other
suspiciously before the beggar howls again and then shuffles off.
MICHAEL puts his head in his hands. What in God's name is he doing
here? Eventually he finds a hostel and wanders in.
CUT TO:
12 INT HOSTEL NIGHT
MICHAEL walks wearily into a large hostel and approaches the reception
desk. It is quite a spacious affair, clean and bright, a few of the
inmates are wandering around, distinctly laid-back, all wearing tie-dye
T-shirts, shorts and sandals. Behind the desk is an old Indian man,
WALTER.
WALTER
Where are you from? I don't want any bloody Indians in here.
MICHAEL
(a little startled)
I'm American, actually.
WALTER
Are you sure? You have very dark skin, you could be a Malaysian, bloody
devils, always trying to get in here and steal watches.
MICHAEL
I'm absolutely sure, (hands over his passport) you see, born in Ohio.
WALTER
I may allow you to stay, are you sure you are not Egyptian?
MICHAEL
No; American.
WALTER
Armenian! I don't want a timeshare thank you.
A girl, JENNIFER, approaches, she is Australian and appears bright and
friendly.
JENNIFER
Stop giving him a hard time, Walter
WALTER
How do I know where he is from, we could all be murdered in our beds by
this mongrel.
JENNIFER
(outraged)
Walter! Give him a bed. (to MICHAEL) He's a darling really, he just
puts on an act for all the new people, (putting her arm around WALTER)
But we all love him, don't we Walter?
WALTER
(relenting)
You are all my children. I will give you a room but do not steal a
watch, okay?
MICHAEL
Okay.
WALTER
(as JENNIFER walks away)
I think she likes you, you might get a shag there.
MICHAEL
Well, if I could get a room, first. I'd like to pay a week in advance.
WALTER
Of course, you are not really like an Egyptian. (throws a cloth at a
young Indian guy who is sitting asleep on a chair a few yards away from
the desk) Rashid, you filthy Indian dog, take this gentleman's cases to
room 406.
CUT TO:
13 INT HOSTEL NIGHT
RASHID sulkily dumps MICHAEL's cases into room 406, a dormitory about
eight feet across and twenty feet long. There are eight beds in it. He
looks around and notices a bunk that appears to be free. MICHAEL puts
his cases on the bed, sits down and sighs. On the bunk above there is a
pile of clothes.
CLOSE-UP OF MICHAEL'S FACE. HE LOOKS AS THOUGH HE HAS HAD ENOUGH.
A hand appears, presumably to be shaken, in front of him from under the
pile of clothes.
MICHAEL
(shaking the hand somewhat reluctantly)
Michael.
NICK
Nick.
MICHAEL
(grimly)
How long are you in for?
NICK
Life.
NICK jumps down off the bunk, naked, picks up a newspaper from another
bunk, which he flicks through as he sits down on the floor.
NICK
Don't suppose you'd fancy a drink, I've had a long day, know what I
mean?
CUT TO:
14 INT BAR NIGHT
NICK and MICHAEL sit at the bar drinking pints. It is fairly quiet,
spacious and well decorated with a distinctly cheap ambience. Innocuous
pop music is playing in the background. Most of the clientele are
travellers, including the bar staff, all of whom have pub uniforms on.
JENNIFER is working behind the bar. NICK looks a bit shifty, which
doesn't help MICHAEL who is still a bit wary and diffident in his new
surroundings.
JENNIFER
Nicky, you bad boy, I hope Walter doesn't know you're here.
NICK
Yeah, I announced it in a loud voice before I left. 'I'm going to the
pub to spend my rent', I said, and he said 'good boy Nicky, have a good
time.' (pause) So, you looking for work?
MICHAEL
Yeah, maybe not right away, I'm actually here to do a PhD, er, European
History, you know?
NICK
(sarcastically)
Yeah, I've heard of that.
JENNIFER
Oh, there's plenty of work if you don't mind what you do. The bars are
okay but you won't make a fortune. They're all waiting for 'the job';
some get it some don't. This guy came in to the hostel, real Jack the
lad type, was here a few months and landed this brilliant job with a
computer software firm, salesman kind of thing. I mean really
brilliant, flat in Knightsbridge, £75,000 a year, travel, expenses, the
lot. A week after he got it he phones the hostel from Beijing and says,
'what's a spreadsheet?' Get the picture?
NICK
I have to go, Ronnie just came in and I owe him a tenner.
Finishes his drink and leaves quickly.
JENNIFER
God he's hopeless, I think he's been here about a year and he's in
exactly the same situation he was when he arrived.
MICHAEL
Is it as bad as all that?
JENNIFER
It is if you're Nick, but no, it isn't really, you just have to work
hard for not very much money or you have to be lucky, like the
spreadsheet guy. And not everyone can be lucky. If you have a
profession you have a good chance of finding a decent job. The rest of
us just have to wait tables and serve drinks which isn't so bad,
really.
A youngish man, RONNIE, sits down next to MICHAEL. He has a bright,
breezy disposition and an abundance of charm.
JENNIFER
Hi, Ronnie, this is, I'm sorry, what's...
MICHAEL
Sorry, it's Michael, Mike, mostly.
RONNIE
(effusively, in a strong Irish accent)
How are you Mike? Is that useless git avoiding me?
JENNIFER
Nick?
RONNIE
Who else? He should go back to Australia and get himself on the dole,
he'd be good at that. Give's a pint of Guinness darlin' an' don't have
one yourself.
JENNIFER
Don't mind if I don't.
RONNIE
So have you just arrived?
MICHAEL
Is it that obvious?
RONNIE
You have that fresh-faced look about you but don't worry it only takes
a day or two to lose it. Think of yourself as a virgin walking towards
your first sexual encounter and you can't say 'no' so you might as well
lie back and enjoy the ride.
JENNIFER
Ronnie, don't be so ridiculous, Mike's doing a PhD, so he can't be a
virgin. I was thinking he might do the sandwich thing, what d'you
think? Anything going at Mr Yummy?
RONNIE
Actually there might be. How d'you fancy selling sandwiches to
overpaid, pretentious arseholes?
CUT TO:
15 EXT SOHO NIGHT
MIKE is strolling through a side street in Chinatown. It is full of
colour, with lanterns and fairy lights lining the street. A radio plays
an old, scratched recording of Chinese music. A proliferation of little
cafes sell Chinese food where one or two people sit drinking tea or
eating noodles, an old woman stands burning fake money on a brazier.
MIKE stops to look at her for a second before moving on.
CUT TO:
MIKE is walking along the riverbank. He is still looking rather lost
and appears deep in thought. An emaciated beggar approaches him with
outstretched hand. MIKE fishes in his pocket for a coin which he hands
over. The beggar lurches away. Finally he sits down and sighs and looks
up at the city lights. We pan out to leave him looking very small and
rather forlorn.
16 INT DORMITORY NIGHT
MIKE is lying on his back in bed staring glassily into space. Two
people, a MAN and a WOMAN are lying reading books and talking. We view
them on their bunks, which are all against one wall, in profile.
WOMAN
Did you hear there was a magic number?
MAN
(with sudden interest)
No, who's got it?
WOMAN
Someone in Dorchester hostel knows it. That's all I heard. Someone in
here must have it by now.
MAN
Go and ask, then.
WOMAN
(sitting up and throwing a pillow at him)
Lazy git, go yourself.
MIKE
What's a magic number?
WOMAN
Well, it's a long number, probably someone's credit card, that acts as
a prefix to free telephone calls. They only last a day or so but it's
great, free calls home, yipee!
MAN
You can stop using the guest's rooms in the Holiday Inn.
MIKE
Does anyone mind if I switch the light off?
MAN
Nah, go on then, I'm tired anyway.
WOMAN
Is the Highland Thing in its lair?
MIKE
The Highland Thing?
CUT TO:
17 INT BAR NIGHT
A large man, MACINTYRE, stands at the bar in a well-lit, spacious pub.
It appears to be the sort of place where men watch football. There are
empty glasses and full ashtrays lying around. Two or three people have
passed out on their seats; the rest are pretty drunk. He is a somewhat
larger than life character with a wild, unkempt but nonetheless,
friendly appearance. There is raucous laughter, MACINTYRE, a Scotsman,
is clearly holding court.
MACINTYRE
(loudly, to the assembled company)
So I said to her, 'my dear young lady, everyone has stories about me,
the trouble is no one wants to be in them.' (raising his glass and
draining his pint to the sound of loud laughter) And with that dear
friends, I will leave you and return to my sumptuous accommodation,
otherwise known as Room 406.
CUT TO:
18 INT DORM NIGHT
All is quiet, save perhaps a snore or two, the room is dark. A key is
heard in the door, which then swings open to reveal the silhouette of
MACINTYRE. He lurches forward trips over something and roars...
MACINTYRE
Penelope, someone has moved the furniture, the servants must have been
at the gin.
He crashes onto a bunk, the door swings slowly shut and all is as it
was before he came in.
CUT TO:
19 EXT/INT CENTRAL LONDON DAY
RONNIE and MIKE are walking in the West End. It is fairly busy, people
are going to work. One or two suits are hovering round a coffee stand,
smoking cigarettes. A beggar approaches them looking for change. One of
the suits blows smoke in his face to the great amusement of the others.
We follow RONNIE and MIKE to the entrance to an office building.
CUT TO:
RONNIE and MIKE walk into a large kitchen where two men, SANDY and ROB,
are working, one preparing sandwiches, one wrapping them in Mr Yummy
paper. They are both wearing the ubiquitous tie-dye T-shirts underneath
aprons and are rather uncomfortably dirty and untidy given the nature
of their employment. SANDY drops a piece of ham on the floor, picks it
up, wipes it on his apron and introduces it to a sandwich. He looks up
and smiles as RONNIE walks in with MIKE trailing along unhappily
behind.
RONNIE
Mike, this is Sandy and Rob.
SANDY
Thank God, can you work, er, Mike, did you say? Michelle didn't turn
up, I think she's packed it in.
RONNIE
What's wrong with her?
SANDY
Mr Diplomatic here called her a useless, fat bitch and accused her of
eating all the sandwiches.
MIKE
I'm not doing anything else so I suppose I could.
ROB
Do you know Chelsea at all?
MIKE
Where's that?
ROB
(dismissively)
Jesus, we might as well eat them now.
SANDY
(trying to counteract ROB's unfriendliness)
Okay, er, Mike, is it? I'll give you the addresses and you can do your
best, most of the stuff goes in three or four buildings so you should
manage.
CUT TO:
20 INT OFFICE DAY
MIKE is holding a large green holdall packed with wrapped up
sandwiches, cakes, fruit salads etc. The office is about fifty yards
long with cubicles on either side where people are working at computer
consoles. MIKE is walking slowly along asking quietly if anyone would
like a sandwich. They all seem to be completely ignoring him until he
comes to a cubicle where there are about eight people. They come at him
from all angles, grabbing sandwiches out of the bag, mostly without
asking. He just stands gaping at them for a second seemingly a bit
stunned by the sudden burst of activity but manages to hand over orders
and change while they are variously asking for cheese and ham, chicken
salad etc. It is all a bit chaotic. Finally he sorts it out, picks up
his bag and moves further down the office. He is walking past a cubicle
when BRIAN calls out to him.
BRIAN
Are you Mr Yummy?
MIKE
I suppose so.
BRIAN
Are you the ones with the nice bread?
An unseen VOICE speaks from behind a cubicle somewhere closeby.
VOICE
What d'you expect him to say to that? No, no that's not us that's some
other bloke, our bread is old and stale, often our bread is actually
mouldy, in fact, we make a point of using only rancid, festering...
BRIAN
(interrupting in an irritated tone)
Alright, alright. Give me a chicken salad.
MIKE
(handing him a sandwich)
That'll be three-fifty, please.
VOICE
Three-fifty! Three-fifty! For three-fifty I could buy a field in Spain,
grow wheat in it, hire a squad of Belgian labourers to harvest it,
build my own baker's shop, rear some chickens, buy an entire vegetable
stall and still have money left over for a...
As he is speaking MIKE pockets BRIAN's money and looks over the side of
the cubicle from whence the VOICE emanates.
MIKE
(interrupting)
D'you want a sandwich?
VOICE
Er, yeah go on then, I'll have the cheese and pickle.
CUT TO:
21 INT KITCHEN DAY
RONNIE, ROB and SANDY are sitting with their feet up on a table eating
sandwiches as MIKE walks in and puts the bag down on the table. He
seems relieved.
ROB
Well?
MIKE
I've got three left.
SANDY
(to ROB)
You owe me a quid. They had no faith in you, Mike. Three left is good
though. You can keep them if you want.
RONNIE
Well, done, Mike. Any problems?
MIKE
Some of them are a bit rude, aren't they? It wasn't too bad finding my
way around though.
ROB
Coming back tomorrow?
MIKE
Yeah, I can hardly wait.
SANDY
Good man. We'll pay you at the end of the week, okay?
MIKE
What, you mean I get paid aswell?
SANDY
(smiling)
See you tomorrow, then.
RONNIE
Going back to the dorm, Mike?
MIKE
Yeah.
They walk out.
ROB
(sneering)
PhD in Enlightenment history, they come over here thinking they're
God's gift to Enlightenment history and they end up selling sandwiches.
Waste of bloody space.
CUT TO:
22 INT DORM DAY
MIKE walks into the dorm and sits down on his bunk, heaving a sigh of
relief. The only other person in the dorm is MACINTYRE, the 'Highland
Thing', who is lying in his bunk, groaning as though he is in some
pain. MIKE seems to be a little more enthusiastic about life if not
exactly full of the joys of spring. MACINTYRE, on the other hand is
evidently a little hung over.
MACINTYRE
(very dramatically)
Dear God, I am ill, ill I tell you, afflicted beyond the redemption of
medical science, a new and potentially lethal strain of hangover has
evolved, the super-hangover. The infamous grouse. And what (at this
point he begins to rake through the detritus lying at the side of his
bunk; money, cigarettes, pieces of paper, finally coming up with a
Rennie) do we have in the form of restoratives? (now with a hint of
dread and even more drama) A miserable Rennie. Look at it! Look at the
Rennie! (with feigned horror) My God, the hangover's laughing at it,
it's laughing I tell you! (looking up and acknowledging MIKE, now in a
normal voice). Are you the new boy?
MIKE
(smiling)
I suppose I am. How are you, I'm Mike.
MACINTYRE
(getting out of bed to shake hands, he looks awful and is wearing
only a dreadful pair of underpants)
Cavendish MacIntyre at your service. What brings you to these parts,
Mike?
MIKE
Well, I came over to do a PhD at London University. I, er...
MACINTYRE
(interrupting)
A noble pursuit. In what field of academic endeavour are you involved?
(without waiting for an answer) I myself was persuaded into reading the
classics; ruminating over the dilemmas of sundry distressed Greeks.
(with a dramatic gesture) Agamemnon. I had no sympathy for the bugger.
Deserved everything he got. So what's your poison?
MIKE
Enlightenment history.
MACINTYRE
(spotting the wrapped-up sandwiches)
Those aren't Mr Yummy sandwiches are they?
MIKE
Yeah, d'you want one?
MACINTYRE
Indeed I do, what do you have, I'm inclining towards roast beef?
MIKE
I think there is one actually.
MACINTYRE
A triumph. The day has begun well. A moment if you please, however,
yesterday's Guinness is beginning to stir.
MACINTYRE heads for the door.
CUT TO:
23 EXT PARK DAY
LONG SHOT OF HYDE PARK
We can just make out MACINTYRE and MIKE sitting on a bench. They face a
dirty pond with some dirty flamingos standing around in it looking
sorry for themselves. It is fairly quiet with only a few people dotted
about. A number of down-and-outs are scattered around too, either
sleeping on benches or raking through dustbins. It is, however, a
pleasant day, the warm breeze and lush foliage making us forget for a
moment the horrors of Earl's Court. A young mother ambles along with a
child licking daintily at an ice cream. Out of nowhere an older child
on a skate board shoots past them, snatching the ice cream from the
child's hand. The child begins to cry.
CUT TO:
MIKE and MACINTYRE sitting on the bench facing the pond, oblivious to
the tragedy unfolding behind them, looking into the camera. They are
eating their sandwiches and regarding the flamingos.
MIKE
Look at those birds, (focus briefly on a sad-looking flamingo) they
look ill. You'd think they would look after them.
MACINTYRE
(glancing round at a down and out foraging in a dustbin closeby)
I'm only surprised someone hasn't eaten them. (pause) So, when do you
start?
MIKE
Well I could've started straight away but I was able to leave it a
couple of weeks if I wanted so I thought I'd just wait and get my
bearings. Actually I need to get some reasonably well paid work. I have
something of a grant but it doesn't go far in London, as you might
imagine.
MACINTYRE
I might be able to get you into the school where I work. It isn't Eton
but it's better than hawking carbohydrates to brain dead office
lackeys. Better money at any rate. And a considerably more receptive
and appreciative clientele.
A pretty, sexy Chinese girl walks past.
That's the sort of clientele we like.
MIKE
What do you teach? Apart from girls.
MACINTYRE
English, mostly. Sometimes French, occasionally Geography.
MIKE
How can you teach all that?
MACINTYRE
I tell lies. London, you'll find, is conducive to truth bending. All
you need is a few fake certificates and a brass neck, often not even
that. It's a dodgy school, private, you know the sort of thing. I've
got a class this afternoon, I'll introduce you to the branch manager.
CUT TO:
24 INT SCHOOL DAY
MIKE and MACINTYRE stand in the reception area of a English language
school. It is a rather scruffy affair; dirty carpet, papers strewn
around, miserable, wary-looking office staff. There are a number of
doors to classrooms off to either side of the reception. One of the
staff is scrubbing some graffiti off a door although we can still see
the letters 'fu'. MACINTYRE is sitting watching a seemingly endless
stream of attractive, young female students while talking to the
receptionist, CREAMY, who has been eyeing MACINTYRE with deep
suspicion. CREAMY is not an unattractive proposition herself, but has a
tough rather prickly attitude. MIKE is standing by shuffling his feet
and doesn't seem too happy about this being a prospective place of
employment.
MACINTYRE
Now then Creamy my dear.
CREAMY
You are a bad man.
MACINTYRE
And why is that my adorable little dairy product?
CREAMY
You want to go with all the girls.
MACINTYRE
Oh, something of an exaggeration, surely. In any case allow me to
introduce you to Mike. Mike needs a job.
CREAMY
You are English?
MACINTYRE
(before MIKE can say anything)
Oh yes he's English alright.
CREAMY
Good. You want to work?
MIKE
Well...
MACINTYRE
(interrupting)
What about that guy Robson or Roberts or whatever, didn't he leave last
week?
CREAMY
Robinson gone.
MACINTYRE
I know, why don't you give his classes to Mike here, my little pastry
filling?
CREAMY
Only two left. You want to teach on Tuesday at five, (flicks through a
diary) Thursday at six. You want?
MACINTYRE
What are the classes?
CREAMY
English for the secretaries, and conversation.
MACINTYRE
English for secretaries is a class to die for. You'd be a fool to
refuse it, Robinson was crying last week when he left.
MIKE shrugs his shoulders a little as if to say I suppose so but still
seems a bit uncomfortable about everything.
CUT TO:
25 INT OFFICE DAY
BRIAN is on the phone in his cubicle. The irritating VOICE, as ever, is
unseen.
BRIAN
Can I speak to Delia please?
VOICE
You haven't got a girlfriend, I bet that's the speaking clock. You
can't have a girlfriend with a jacket like that. You look like a sad
gay man...
BRIAN
Delia? Yes it's me... (pause) I'll meet you outside the lifts then...
VOICE
(overlapping)
Outside the toilets more like with a jacket like that.
BRIAN
Bye then... bye.
BRIAN picks up a briefcase and walks over to the VOICE's cubicle. He
has a mean look on his face and leans over the side and grabs at the
him. We see him pulling a tie above the height of the cubicle and hear
a choking sound.
I want you to die. You know that?
He releases him and walks out of the office.
CUT TO:
26 INT FOYER DAY
BRIAN is waiting outside the lifts in the foyer of a smart, clean
office building. He is smoking and watching people come out of the
lifts as they leave work.
CUT TO:
27 INT OFFICE DAY
Back in BRIAN's office we focus on BRIAN's empty cubicle and hear the
VOICE. He is on the telephone.
VOICE
...Yes that's right. The lifts in front of Alexandra House. I'll be
wearing a brown suit and just waiting but don't do anything until I
greet my girlfriend. D'you have anything in the furry animals line ...
a rabbit... perfect.
CUT TO:
28 INT FOYER DAY
BRIAN is still waiting outside the lifts. A large RABBIT keeps looking
round a corner. He and BRIAN eye each other suspiciously. A moment or
two on, a beautiful young woman, obviously DELIA, steps out of the
lift. She has a confident air, not unlike ROBERTA but there is,
somehow, a little softness too. She joins BRIAN and the RABBIT
immediately runs up to them and goes down on one knee.
RABBIT
Oh, Delia, I love you,
I've loved you all my life.
I'd be the happiest man in the world
If only you'd be my wife.
RABBIT stands up and presents a red rose to DELIA.
DELIA
(flatly to BRIAN)
No.
They both walk off leaving the RABBIT standing where he is.
BRIAN
(voice tailing off)
You don't seriously think... I'll kill him I swear it. Delia, I
wouldn't do a thing like that.
DELIA
(overlapping)
You wouldn't mind though would you? Well if you get your hands on the
magic number I'll let you do it to me.
BRIAN
Soon, Delia, soon.
DELIA
Well the sooner you get it, the sooner you get me.
BRIAN
Delia, you make it sound so clinical, it's practically prostitution.
DELIA
Oh, don't be such an arsehole, Brian, this is London, everyone's a
prostitute. It's just a question of who you screw and how much you can
charge. (pause) And anyway, how d'you know it's going to happen, all
this, I mean, don't these people have protection from this kind of
thing?
CUT TO:
29 EXT DOORSTEP DAY
Two slick, sinister-looking men, the TWO ASSASSINS, stand on the
doorstep of a house in a middle class suburban street in America. It is
a bright sunny day, birds are singing in the trees, a neighbour is
mowing his lawn, it is almost too perfect. A man answers the door. He
is wearing scruffy, comfortable old clothes and looks relaxed for a
second or two before apparently realising who the men are. Now he is
worried.
MAN
I told them, I haven't...
The TWO ASSASSINS immediately bundle him into the house, pressing a gun
to his temple in the process.
1ST ASSASSIN
(forcing their way into a living room and throwing him to the floor)
We don't care whether you have or whether you haven't.
CUT TO:
30 INT CLASSROOM DAY
MACINTYRE is smiling lasciviously. He is standing in front of a large
class of mostly young Chinese women. The classroom is a bit
dilapidated; graffiti on the walls, paint pealing off the ceiling,
scruffy old ink-stained desks and chairs. MACINTYRE is holding a
textbook and turns to write on the whiteboard as he is talking. He has
a lively, demonstrative manner.
MACINTYRE
Alright, my ladies, industry standards is a term used to describe the
acceptable level of performance of a service or a product. Understand?
(There is complete silence. He continues) Alright, business A (writing
'Business A' on the board as he talks) makes what? Anyone?
STUDENT
(with resignation)
Bananas.
MACINTYRE
Correct. Now this is an industry standard banana. (drawing a picture of
a banana underneath the letter A) This banana, however (drawing a
picture of a banana without a bend in it) does not meet the required
industry standards. It is a reject. (he writes the word 'no' beside the
defective banana and the word 'yes' beside the good banana).
Understand?
The students all say yes although rather reluctantly.
Flossie, Fifi and Camille, do you girls understand?
Three girls at the back of the class giggle and say yes.
Alright, minimum requirements, what does that mean?
Silence.
Well, very similar in meaning to the last one. Now business A makes
what?
He writes the letter A on the board. The students all say 'bananas'.
Correct. Now, when constructing a banana; the minimum requirements
would be... what?
1ST STUDENT
Yellow.
MACINTYRE
Good. What else?
2ND STUDENT
Bendy.
MACINTYRE
Excellent. A straight banana, would set a dangerous precedent, the
banana would lose its appeal. Besides having a pleasant taste, the
banana is a very amusing fruit, featuring prominently in the humour of
many cultures around the world. Without it's bend it ceases to be quite
so hilarious. It's popularity thus diminished, the banana industry goes
into decline, economies collapse, military coups and power struggles
ensue, the superpowers become involved and world war three begins.
Understand?
CUT TO:
31 INT LIVING ROOM DAY
A loud bang rings out back in the living room as the 2ND ASSASSIN
shoots an empty beer can off the head of the, now very nervous, MAN.
The 1ST ASSASSIN sits on a settee watching. There are a few paint pots
and brushes lying around, we are redecorating.
1ST ASSASSIN
So, doing a spot of redecorating are we?
MAN
Look, no one knows the number except me, I...
1ST ASSASSIN
(interrupting)
No, no you don't understand, you tell us everything, right now. You
stole something that doesn't belong to you, now what I want you to do
is to go on with the redecorating, are you painting just now?
MAN
(very uncomfortably, stuttering a bit)
Yeah, yeah I am.
1ST ASSASSIN
Alright, paint the room according to what's going through your head as
we point guns at it, your head that is. If we like it you win a holiday
for four in the Azores, but if we don't like it, well, we shoot you in
the head. (trying to get him to enjoy himself) Come on, it'll be fun.
The MAN looks horrified, but reluctantly picks up a paintbrush and can
of paint.
2ND ASSASSIN
This is like that TV show. I like this.
CUT TO:
32 INT CLASSROOM DAY
Back in the classroom there is a rather stunned silence as the students
all look blankly at MACINTYRE.
MACINTYRE
(smiling broadly)
Alright, my ladies, I've had enough of this (throws the textbook over
his shoulder) let's play a game.
This is greeted with considerable approval and excited laughter.
CUT TO:
33 INT LIVING ROOM DAY
Back in the living room, the ashen-faced MAN is painting a wall. The
2ND ASSASSIN suddenly walks menacingly towards him.
2ND ASSASSIN
I don't like this colour, I'm going to shoot him.
MAN
(desperately)
I think I've got some yellow.
1ST ASSASSIN
No, I think he's right, (pause) well, you've missed out on the family
holiday. (ominously) Now you're in trouble.
MAN
(even more desperately)
Alright, look, one person knows about it, he doesn't know what the
number is but he knows it exists and that's it, I mean why would I tell
someone else and risk him doing something which screws it all up for
me, it doesn't make sense.
1ST ASSASSIN
Name.
MAN
Nigel, Nigel Conrad.
1ST ASSASSIN
Does he work for the company?
MAN
No he, he's just a friend.
CUT TO:
34 INT CLASSROOM DAY
MIKE is in a similar classroom next to MACINTYRE teaching a similar
group. He is sitting behind a desk staring into a textbook. During the
scene we hear laughter and sounds of jollity from the next room. This
class is a more muted affair.
MIKE
(struggling)
Okay, er, so, so who can tell me what conservation means?
He faces a wall of blank expressions.
Well, it sort of means to try to stop things from being damaged or
badly treated, in some respects it just means preventing change. A
conservatory, for example...
STUDENT
We understand.
MIKE
Do you? Oh, good, good. Ah, alright what's next here...
The students are yawning and looking at their watches. Meanwhile the
laughter continues from the next room.
CUT TO:
35 INT LIVING ROOM DAY
Things aren't looking too good for the decorator. Both ASSASSINS are
now standing glaring at him.
1ST ASSASSIN
(shouting angrily)
You should never use pastel shades in a room with a lot of natural
light.
2ND ASSASSIN
(also shouting and waving a gun in his face)
You should never do that.
MAN
There's no one else, I swear to God...
There is a slight pause as the ASSASSINS step back and seem to calm
down a little. 1ST ASSASSIN picks up a folder from a coffee table. On
the front is the title, 'Microtech 19. We are your future.' We focus
briefly on this.
1ST ASSASSIN
Well, I don't like the colours, you have failed to use long even brush
strokes and those curtains would frighten Liberace. Remember, 'We are
your future.' And you, my friend, are our past. (Turning to 2ND
ASSASSIN) Maestro.
The 2ND ASSASSIN shoots the MAN in the head at point blank range,
plastering the wall with blood.
1ST ASSASSIN
This would make great television.
2ND ASSASSIN
(looking at the blood on the wall)
That's the colour he should've used.
CUT TO:
36 EXT/INT LEICESTER SQUARE NIGHT
LONG SHOT OF LEICESTER SQUARE.
A screen at the front of the building flashes the words, '90 days to
go'. A little man in rags holding a bottle of spirits stands vacantly
staring up at the flickering neon images.
CUT TO:
MACINTYRE and MIKE are on the top floor of the shopping mall. It is a
circular arrangement with galleries looking down into a foyer. They
begin to walk round as they talk. A few shoppers wander past or stand
gazing into shop windows. MIKE's demeanour suggests that for the first
time he is getting to grips with his surroundings, standing a little
straighter, talking with a little more confidence.
MACINTYRE
You see it's much better money to teach privately. That's where I make
most of my money. I only keep the school on to poach the students.
CUT TO:
37 EXT RIVERBANK NIGHT
MIKE and MACINTYRE are walking along the riverside. A jolly group of
people are getting off one of the Thames river cruise boats, stepping
unsteadily on to the promenade. Some are carrying bottles of wine. They
are all laughing and joking with each other. MIKE and MACINTYRE walk
past them. Initial shot is from behind but we pan round as they pass
the revellers so that they are now walking towards the camera, the
revellers receding into the background. The city lights seem to reflect
the feeling of hope, the promise of success espoused by MACINTYRE,
cautiously aspired to by MIKE.
MIKE
It's kind of a fun place London, isn't it. I mean, there is a definite
vibrancy.
MACINTYRE
It is said that in London anything is possible. Look at it. (he
indicates the city lights with a sweeping gesture) I never get tired of
it. I never get tired of dreaming of dinner at the Hilton and an
apartment in Mayfair, weekend parties in Berkshire, beautiful firm
young Knightsbridge chicks who judge men only by the colour of their
credit cards. This is the magic of London, the promise, the dream
that's only ever just out of reach. It gives the impression that
tomorrow it can all be yours, tomorrow you'll make it big. And some
people do. I mean look at this place, it's fabulous, it reeks of money
but it also reeks of opportunity.
MIKE
It's unforgiving though, a place like this, surely? I mean if you're
not clever or resourceful or even all that ambitious, what then?
MACINTYRE
Well, then you settle for what you can get, just because opportunity is
there doesn't mean that everyone can take it, it means that if you want
it badly enough or even if you just happen to be lucky enough, it's all
out there. Why shouldn't it be me? Or you?
MIKE
I guess you're right. I'm not sure if it's me though. I mean I am
beginning to like it, this, this vibrancy, this promise, whatever it
is, it's definitely very seductive...
MACINTYRE
(interrupting)
Infectious is the word for which you grasp. It's a disease, an
addiction. Get rich it says, come and join the party, feel the buzz,
what've you got to lose?
MIKE
(only half joking)
Your soul?
MACINTYRE
Nonsense, what's wrong with wanting to get on in life, to be
successful. It's not illegal. Good God, man it's practically compulsory
in this town. (there is a pause as they continue to walk, going past a
down-and-out lying stretched out on the ground, completely ignored by
MACINTYRE and a couple of passers-by but not by MIKE who looks down at
him and seems only too aware that this is the rather less pleasant side
of all that MACINTYRE has just been talking about) I feel in excellent
spirits this evening. Spirits so good in fact that if one were to tie a
balloon to them one might well consider them to be a jamboree.
O'Rourke's is just round the corner, I don't suppose you'd be prepared
to join me in a light beverage.
CUT TO:
38 INT BAR NIGHT
MACINTYRE and MIKE are sitting at the bar in an Irish pub. The place is
fairly busy, with a distinctly up-market feel, pictures of Oscar Wilde,
James Joyce, et al adorn the walls, the clientele are mostly office
staff on the Friday evening after work drink.
MACINTYRE
(taking a sip of Guinness and looking up at the pictures)
Well, this is good, isn't it? Wilde would have approved. (pause) We
should meet some girls. The right kind of girls. Girls with apartments.
MIKE
Wilde wouldn't have approved of that.
MACINTYRE smiles. A GIRL walks up to the bar. She is the Sloane Square
type, sophisticated and chic, reeking of money. It's hard to imagine
her being attracted to MACINTYRE although he is apparently oblivious to
this. MIKE looks uncomfortable.
MACINTYRE
Excuse me young lady, I wonder if you could help my friend here. He's
having a fit, which can only be alleviated by the laying on of hands by
a beautiful woman.
GIRL
He doesn't look like he's having a fit.
MACINTYRE
Ah, well, you see it's a very unusual condition, which involves only
one long, silent spasm rather than the normal convulsions, foaming at
the mouth etc. The drawback, of course, is that we're never sure if
he's having a life-threatening apoplectic attack or just a quiet moment
to himself.
GIRL
I wouldn't lay my hands on either of you if you were gold-plated.
GIRL walks away.
MIKE
That went well.
MACINTYRE
(entirely unmoved)
Look here comes Creamy, and a friend. Cheesy, no doubt.
CREAMY and friend come up to the bar and stand beside MIKE and
MACINTYRE. Friend is Chinese, predictably, svelte and beautiful.
CREAMY
MacIntyre you are a very bad man, looking at all the girls.
MACINTYRE
I only have eyes for you now my little whipped delight.
CREAMY gives him a long hard stare.
CREAMY
You are patronising bastard.
MACINTYRE
Now, now Creamy.
CREAMY
You can buy us a drink.
MACINTYRE
Is it still happy hour?
MIKE
I think it is.
MACINTYRE
Then I'd be delighted, angel delighted. Let's get a seat away from all
these suits and ties.
CUT TO:
39 EXT STREET DAY
A man in a suit, ELGIN, is walking up a busy street in the West End. A
confident-looking businessman, he is walking with purpose. As he does
so he approaches a weary-looking MIKE who has the sandwich bag slung
over his shoulder, then a rather annoyed-looking MIKE as he is pushed
out of the way by the earnest ELGIN.
CUT TO:
40 INT OFFICE DAY
CLOSE-UP OF DELIA STARING STRAIGHT INTO THE CAMERA, A DETERMINED LOOK
ON HER FACE
DELIA is sitting behind a desk in a smart private office facing the
businessman, ELGIN. He is the very model of the slick salesman. They
are staring intently at each other.
DELIA
Mr Elgin, tell me why I should buy your office supplies?
ELGIN
Quite simply because they are the best available. Our stationery is
second to none. It is greener than a Welsh valley, classier than a '59
Dom Perignon, more reliable than a Rolls Royce engine. This stationery
will improve your golf handicap, help you lose weight, earn you money.
It will raise your IQ, tell jokes, redecorate your apartment and,
afterwards, make your dinner. These office supplies are sexy, in
short, if treated correctly, they will provide orgasms.
DELIA
(standing up and walking round to his side of the desk in a
provocative manner)
Mr Elgin, do you want to know what would make me very wet right now?
ELGIN
(compromised somewhat)
No.
DELIA
A roast beef sandwich. And do you know what gives me orgasms?
ELGIN
(more in hope than expectation)
Stationery salesmen?
DELIA
No Mr Elgin, what I really want is a man who can quote Voltaire and
Rousseau. You see, I love roast beef sandwiches and the French
Enlightenment, you offer me a plastic pen, I need a baguette.
ELGIN
But if you looked...
DELIA
(interrupting)
No Elgin, I won't look, leave, leave now, or I shall summon the
constable. Go.
She shoos him out the door. As he is leaving, she spies Mr Yummy, MIKE,
at the other side of the office. He is looking round vacantly and then
leaving.
CUT TO:
41 EXT STREET DAY
MIKE and ELGIN leave the building together ELGIN managing to push him
out of the way for a second time before disappearing off into the
crowded street. We follow MIKE as he continues to walk wearily up the
street with green bag. As he walks DELIA then comes out of the building
and proceeds to march towards him.
DELIA
(loudly and sternly)
Mr Yummy.
MIKE pretends not to hear and walks faster. DELIA starts to run after
him shouting 'Mr Yummy'. Eventually as she catches up with him he stops
and reluctantly turns round.
DELIA
Mr Yummy?
MIKE
Yes?
DELIA
(firmly)
Well, now that I've got your attention. (pause) Do you have any roast
beef sandwiches left.
MIKE
(very reluctantly)
I've one left. Roast beef as it so happens.
DELIA
Is it your last one?
MIKE
Yes.
DELIA
Were you going to have it?
MIKE
Yes.
DELIA
Well, I tell you what. I'll pay for it and we can share it. What do you
think?
MIKE
(cautiously)
Okay.
MIKE takes the sandwich out of his bag and pulls it in half. They sit
down on a wall by the side of the street and begin to eat. Opposite
them, in a shop window, a sign blinks out the message, '85 days to go'.
We focus briefly on this and then back to MIKE and DELIA. There is a
slight pause as they look at each other and smile.
MIKE
My name's not Mr Yummy, by the way.
DELIA
(extending a hand which is shaken by MIKE)
Delia.
MIKE
Mike.
DELIA
So what do you do apart from selling sandwiches?
MIKE
I'm an actor and I'm writing a screenplay.
DELIA
(grimacing, as if to say, 'oh God not another one')
Really?
MIKE
No, not really, I'm doing a PhD. Enlightenment history. Rousseau,
Burns, Mozart, that sort of thing. It's not very interesting, I don't
suppose.
DELIA
(now with genuine excitement)
Well I think it's terribly exciting. I saw Dangerous Liaisons four
times.
MIKE
Well I don't know if exciting's the word exactly.
DELIA
I think it's sexy.
MIKE
Well, it has its sexy moments I guess.
DELIA
Don't you find it sexy? Don't you just wish you could've been part of
all that decadence?
MIKE
Ah, er, I think so, you know, sometimes.
They look at each other and smile. There is a slight pause.
DELIA
Would you like to go out for a drink sometime?
MIKE
(shyly)
I guess so.
DELIA
(with a rather alarming confidence)
Good, I'll meet you tonight in front of Alexandra House at eight
o'clock, okay?
MIKE
Er, yeah, okay, I guess.
DELIA
Okay. (gets up to leave and speaks next as she is walking away) Eight
o'clock don't forget.
CUT TO:
42 EXT WALKWAY DAY
MIKE is running along an overhead walkway. He is obviously in buoyant
mood and stops to give a coin to a busker who turns out to be RONNIE
and is delivering a terrible, screeching rendition of, 'Can't Buy Me
Love'. As he does this they are confronted rather abruptly by
MACINTYRE. RONNIE stops playing.
MACINTYRE
(talking to MIKE referring to RONNIE)
You'll never get rich if you keep giving your money to these filthy
buggers.
RONNIE
(annoyed)
Excuse me.
MACINTYRE
You're adoring public don't seem very enthusiastic about the Beatles
MIKE
So, how're you doing?
RONNIE
I'm down fifty bucks.
MIKE
What?
RONNIE
I'm sort of an anti-busker, the money in the hat's mine and if they
really hate me they can take some.
MACINTYRE
(turning to MIKE)
So, what're you looking so pleased about?
CUT TO:
43 INT/EXT CAFE NIGHT
DELIA and MIKE are sitting on a terrace just outside a small cafe,
prettily lit with fairy lights hanging from trees standing above the
terrace. It is quiet and romantic, reasonably low-key at least by West
London standards. DELIA looks very chic and sexy, taking a sip from a
glass of wine and leaning back in her chair arching her body with a
feline sensuality. MIKE is staring at her, half in awe, half scared.
There is soft, cool music playing in the background.
DELIA
(now leaning forward, in a tone of childlike curiosity)
...I think it's fascinating. Tell me something profound.
MIKE
(clearing his throat in mock authority)
Er, ahm, okay. Are you ready?
DELIA
(breathlessly)
I'm breathless.
MIKE
'Man was born free, and everywhere he is in chains', Rousseau.
DELIA
(genuinely delighted)
Wonderful. Now say something romantic.
MIKE
(thinking for a second)
'Never pain to tell thy love,
Love that never told can be;
For the gentle wind does move
Silently, invisibly.'
That was Blake.
DELIA
(clapping her hands, again in an almost childlike way)
Isn't Blake lovely. (pause) It's one of those balmy evening isn't it?
What do people do on balmy evenings? Do they fly kites, or do they just
sit around and eat exotic fruits and gaze enigmatically at the clouds?
MIKE
(warming up a bit)
Some people apparently become so light-headed they just float up into
the sky. Scientists have proved it.
DELIA
Have they? They're so clever nowadays. What do they do about getting
back down?
MIKE
Oh, they just have to wait for the next shower.
DELIA leans into him and kisses him passionately. When she is finished
MIKE seems rather stunned. He focuses on a woman who sits down at the
next table with a multi-coloured cocktail.
MIKE
(nervously)
What an unusual drink.
DELIA
We should have one. I should think it's rather like drinking a rainbow.
MIKE
(still a bit nervous)
Would you like to go somewhere else, get a coffee, or something...
DELIA
Right now I have no interest in coffee.
We pan out leaving them sitting at the table, MIKE staring straight
ahead still with a slightly worried look, DELIA in profile, looking at
MIKE, a playful sort of a look on her face.
CUT TO:
44 INT APARTMENT NIGHT
We are in a large, semi-dark bedroom. DELIA and MIKE stand and gaze at
each other. MIKE looks as if he is going to say something but DELIA
puts her finger to his lips. They begin to kiss, softly, lovingly,
increasingly passionately. DELIA pushes MIKE gently back onto the bed
and begins to remove her clothes, slowly, tantalisingly. When she is
down to her underwear she lies down on top of him and they begin to
kiss and caress each other.
CUT TO:
Same scene a little later. MIKE and DELIA are lying in bed facing each
other, sweaty and dishevelled, evidently having just made love. A
little neon steals in from the street outside giving the room a pale,
moonlit, romantic appearance.
DELIA
(stroking him affectionately)
So tomorrow I want you to come to me last and save me a roast beef
salad baguette with English mustard.
MIKE
Why do I suspect that there is more to you than meets the eye?
DELIA
(thoughtfully)
If you could go anywhere in the world where would you live, how would
you live?
MIKE
I think Italy or France, a chateau in the countryside, a wine cellar,
lots of books and a horse.
DELIA
A horse. You might look quite good on a horse. I've decided. You can
have a horse.
MIKE
(somewhat bemused)
Thanks.
DELIA finds a cigarette by the side of the bed and lights it. She lies
back facing the ceiling and blows smoke into the air.
DELIA
Wouldn't it be wonderful to be stinking rich. Never to have to worry
about money, don't you think?
MIKE
What are you going to do? Rob a bank?
DELIA
I would if I could get away with it. Anyway, I've decided I'm going to
be rich, one way or another.
MIKE
Mm, I don't think anyone really gets away with it, life has a funny way
of making us pay for our sins, one way or another.
DELIA
Oh, fiddlesticks, if you could steal millions from a bank or something
and have no chance of getting caught and it didn't hurt anyone wouldn't
you do it?
MIKE
I guess I might but I'm sure I'd regret somewhere along the line.
DELIA
Well I wouldn't.
MIKE
I bet you would.
DELIA
(smiling)
I bet you a million dollars I wouldn't.
CUT TO:
45 INT DORM DAY
MACINTYRE and MIKE are sitting on their bunks. MACINTYRE is looking
through a pile of wrapped up sandwiches, carefully scrutinising them.
MIKE is eating one. He seems, not surprisingly, to be rather enjoying
his food today.
MACINTYRE
I have news my dear boy, excellent... What's this? Good God, man! Brie,
apple and vole? This is an outrage, you foul and monstrous...
MIKE
Walnut. Brie, apple and walnut. No vole.
MACINTYRE
(examining the label on the sandwich)
Well it bloody looks like vole.
MIKE
Well it isn't, what about this flat then?
MACINTYRE
We can move in right away. We are now Golders Green residents,
revelling in our improved status.
MIKE
Good. I've managed to get three students to defect this week.
MACINTYRE
We can have all the private students we like. Riches await my lad,
riches beyond the dreams of avarice. (with drama and the now customary
sweeping gesture) 'There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken
at the flood, leads on to fortune.'
CUT TO:
46 INT DELIA'S OFFICE/BRIAN'S OFFICE DAY
DELIA is sitting in her office with her legs on the desk. She is alone
and talking on the phone to BRIAN who is also in his office. We cut to
and from each one as they speak. DELIA is back in ruthless mode. BRIAN
is irritable.
BRIAN
I can't make the guy get it, Delia, I know it's frustrating but as soon
as he gets it we can do whatever we want, we just have to be patient.
CUT TO:
DELIA
Are you sure this thing works?
CUT TO:
BRIAN
How can I know that until he finds it? At least we know it exists.
CUT TO:
DELIA
My secretary knows that a size 10 dress exists (focus briefly on a fat
SECRETARY eating a sandwich through the glass front of her office) but
she's never going to have one.
CUT TO:
BRIAN
(snappily)
There's no point in getting worked up about this...
CUT TO:
DELIA
(interrupting)
Well, anyway, I can't come to your little accountant's orgy on Sunday,
I'm going to be busy.
CUT TO:
BRIAN
You're just getting angry, now, Delia. Anyway it's not an orgy,
it's...
CUT TO:
DELIA
(interrupting and becoming irritated)
I know it's not an orgy, good grief, Brian, they faint if you ask for
more than one drink. I have to go for lunch.
DELIA puts the phone down and stands up and walks to the door of her
office. She pokes her head round the door and looks at the SECRETARY
who still has her mouth full of sandwich.
Has the sandwich man been yet?
SECRETARY points to very back of the outer office. DELIA looks across
and sees MIKE. He looks up from a sale and waves. The rest of the scene
is played out to music. DELIA retreats back into her office and lowers
all the blinds. MIKE walks in and kicks the door shut behind him. He
pulls a sandwich from his bag which he then throws to one side. He
holds the sandwich in front of his crotch where DELIA kneels down,
unwraps it and takes a seductive bite. She then manipulates him onto
the desk, pulls his trousers down and jumps on.
CUT TO:
BRIAN, meanwhile, is staring down at a sandwich, which is lying in
front of him on his desk. Behind the cubicle adjacent to him the VOICE
speaks.
VOICE
They wouldn't let you into an orgy. You'd turn up with your slippers
on.
BRIAN
I wish you would disappear.
VOICE
I have disappeared. This is your sandwich speaking to you and I
wouldn't eat me if I were you, that lettuce was dropped on the floor
this morning and that chicken's actually a Yorkshire Terrier.
The last few words are spoken through choking sounds as BRIAN walks
over to the VOICE's cubicle and leans over apparently grabbing him by
the throat.
CUT TO:
47 INT OFFICE DAY
A sinister-looking man, the BOSS, sits behind an enormous desk in a
large office. The words, 'Microtech 19, We are your future' are
painted in giant letters on the wall. Other than the desk, the office
is completely empty and the blinds are half shut giving the room a dim,
mysterious aspect. We get the impression that we are in the presence of
a powerful, perhaps even dangerous man. The BOSS is, otherwise, a
middle-aged business type. There is a unicycle on the floor in front of
his desk, which he appears to be staring at. Eventually he presses a
button on the desk. This manifests itself as the voice of BARBARA, his
secretary, speaking through an intercom.
BARBARA
Yes, sir?
BOSS
(sternly)
Barbara?
BARBARA
(earnestly)
Yes, sir?
BOSS
(ponderously)
There's a certain amount of security in a ham salad, I think, what time
is it?
BARBARA
It's eleven o'clock, sir.
BOSS
Mm, I think we can dismiss the Argentinean beef stew. I don't think I'd
know where I stood with it. (pause) Draw up a short list and we'll
review the situation at eleven thirty.
BARBARA
Right ho, sir. There's a man on the phone, sir. Wouldn't give his name,
just kept saying it was urgent and that you were expecting him. He used
a vulgar word, shall I cut him off?
BOSS
No, it's alright, Barbara. (pause while waits a second to be put
through) Alright now listen. We've tracked down this Nigel Conrad and
hooked into his P.C. Don't do anything unless he finds the number. We
want to see if he can find it. Just watch his apartment and monitor his
calls. And if he does find it don't give him time to tell anyone about
it. Clear? (pause) Good.
Puts the phone down, gets up and walks over to the unicycle, which he
just continues to stare at.
CUT TO:
48 INT UNIVERSITY DAY
We focus first on the flashing sign in reception, which tells us that
there are 80 days to go. We pan out to reveal MIKE staring at the sign
then almost immediately being joined by SAM. They begin to walk through
the corridors in the university. Although it is a modern building there
is the hushed, dignified tone of an academic setting. The conversation
takes place as they walk.
SAM
Looking forward to joining the team?
MIKE
(without much conviction)
Well, I guess I should get started as soon as possible.
As they are walking they come to a set of doors which leads to a
courtyard with a large outdoor swimming pool. There are only a few
people there. A man is lying on a sunbed with a drink beside him and
two or three young women sitting around him. MIKE and the SAM stand on
a balcony above looking down.
SAM
Fancy a swim?
MIKE
No, no thanks. I was wondering if I ought to have a meeting with my
head of department, work out a timetable or something. Do you know
where I can find him?
SAM
That's him down there.
Indicating the man by the pool
MIKE
I see.
SAM
The thing is, we, er, don't really do very much work here. I mean, we
do what we have to, enrol the students, er...
MIKE
(beginning to catch on)
Swim.
SAM
Basically, yes.
MIKE
(with some concern, but less than we might expect)
So what about my PhD?
SAM
You can do it, if you want, there is a programme, there are lots of
programmes in the, er, history of ideas, er, department...
MIKE
(showing a little suspicion)
Okay, I get the picture. Well, if you could get me some private
students... (pause) What was the business with Dr Lander, by the way?
SAM
Best not to ask. Anyway, no problem about the students.
MIKE
(regarding the young ladies below)
Yeah, er, we, er, I suppose we could have a swim now, if you like?
We see MIKE and SAM in the swimming pool splashing about and then
swimming up to the edge where the head of department, DR LEE, a
corpulent, assured-looking man is reclining on a sunlounger, still
surrounded by girls.
CUT TO:
MIKE and SAM sitting with DR LEE and his entourage.
SAM
Dr Lee, This is Mike, the PhD in Enlightenment History.
DR LEE
(warmly)
Good to meet you Mike, we better make a start on your programme soon.
MIKE
Oh don't worry about that Dr Lee anytime's good for me. We've come to
an arrangement about my teaching.
DR LEE
Ah, yes, I'm sorry about that...
SAM
Mike'll take on a few private students, we might put a notice up for
him, I thought it was the least we could do after, well, er... Dr
Lander.
DR LEE
(suddenly flaring up)
I don't want to hear that filthy swine's name mentioned near this
swimming pool.
MIKE
The swimming pool?
SAM grimaces and gestures at MIKE, with his back to DR LEE, as if to
say, 'please don't say anything else'.
SAM
Sorry, sir...
DR LEE
(as if nothing has happened)
Well, I'm sure you're going to fit in well here, Mike. I think you
might even enjoy it, I should introduce you to my friends...
We revert to the original view from the balcony as MIKE is being
introduced to the girls who are, inevitably, svelte and beautiful.
CUT TO:
49 INT FLAT GOLDERS GREEN
MIKE and MACINTYRE are sitting in a smallish living-room in a flat,
rather spartan in appearance, tiled floor, basic, functional furniture
but clean and bright enough. MACINTYRE is looking out of the window,
his view almost completely obscured by buildings. MIKE is sitting on a
settee.
MIKE
(clearly not all that impressed)
Well, it isn't exactly palatial but I suppose it'll do.
MACINTYRE
It's better than Earl's Court.
CREAMY comes wandering through from another room. She is looking around
with a critical eye.
CREAMY
The bathroom is too small, even for small Chinese girls.
MACINTYRE
My dear little French sauce, they'll just have to go before they
arrive.
CREAMY
Is okay, I suppose.
MACINTYRE
The royal seal of approval, now I suggest a quiet refreshment.
MACINTYRE goes out and comes back in with a bottle of wine.
CREAMY
No Champagne. Why not? You are a miner.
MIKE
A miner?
MACINTYRE
Miser. At a guess.
MACINTYRE uncorks the bottle and pours out three glasses.
MIKE
To future prosperity.
CREAMY
And not to do it with students.
CUT TO:
50 INT FLAT DAY/NIGHT
The next few shots are played out to music. A number of students,
predominantly young and female, are led into the flat. The living-room
has been converted into a classroom with whiteboard, one or two posters
and several shelves of books. The scenes depicting MIKE teaching are
fairly flat affairs, him at the whiteboard explaining things, sitting
down with the students, pouring over textbooks, all a bit serious. The
scenes of MACINTYRE, by contrast, are bright and lively. He is very
demonstrative and theatrical, laughter seemingly abounds during his
lessons, he dances around, sings, leans out of the window shouting at
people on the street. As the music fades we are left with MIKE and
MACINTYRE sitting talking apparently at the end of the day's work.
MACINTYRE
If I might make a suggestion old bean.
MIKE
Will it make any difference if I say no?
MACINTYRE
No, it won't. (pause) You might consider livening up the classes a bit.
MIKE
And your ideas on that subject would be?
MACINTYRE
Songs, laughter, romance, the stuff of life.
MIKE
The stuff of life?
MACINTYRE
(waving his arms about)
Theatre, drama, wit, fun and games, music, you know what I mean.
MIKE
It's not a song and dance act, you know.
MACINTYRE
'All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players'
MIKE
Yes, well, this player is going to see his girlfriend.
MACINTYRE
Getting a bit keen, aren't we? And when are we going to meet the
beautiful Delia?
MIKE
You don't think I'm going to introduce her to you, do you? Why don't
you go and see Creamy? I thought you were trying to have a relationship
with her. Or at least not to have one with anyone else.
MACINTYRE
Let's not have a Creamy debate.
CUT TO:
51 INT OFFICE DAY
MIKE is standing in an office regarding a YOUNG WOMAN with some
disdain. She is an expat with a very aristocratic accent and is looking
rather excited. She is clearly a bit dizzy and probably isn't too
bright.
YOUNG WOMAN
Do you have a blueberry muffin? It's my birthday today and I'm simply
going to scream if I can't have a blueberry muffin. (excitedly) Do you
have a blueberry muffin?
MIKE
(very flatly)
No.
YOUNG WOMAN
(as though she is about to cry)
Oh! How beastly.
CUT TO:
52 INT APARTMENT DAY
MIKE is standing in a kitchen, presumably in DELIA's apartment since it
is smart, clean and well appointed. He is making breakfast. It is a
bright, sunlit morning, happy music is playing on the radio in the
background and all seems right with the world. DELIA comes up behind
him in a dressing gown and puts her arms around him. He smiles. They
talk in a playful manner. There is a blueberry muffin on the worktop.
We focus first, briefly, on the muffin.
DELIA
What's that?
MIKE
It's a blueberry muffin.
DELIA
Is it for me?
MIKE
I saved it specially.
DELIA
They're in high demand.
MIKE
We don't hand them out to just anyone.
DELIA
What are you making?
MIKE
I'm making an egg.
DELIA
You're so clever to make an egg. Are you happy with it, I mean so far?
MIKE
I'd say it's one of the more promising eggs I've seen lately.
They both examine the egg that MIKE is beating in bowl.
DELIA
(breathlessly)
I think it's the best egg I've ever seen in my life.
MIKE
Delia?
DELIA
What my darling?
MIKE
What did you mean when you said I could have a horse, if that isn't a
stupid question?
DELIA
No, it's a lovely question. I just meant that when all our dreams come
true you can have a horse. If you like.
MIKE
Delia, am I the only man in your life?
DELIA
Of course you are. What could I possibly do with another man?
CUT TO:
53 EXT GARDEN DAY
BRIAN is in a garden at the front of a large house in Surbiton. This is
obviously the house of a very wealthy person; immaculate garden,
beautiful view. A social gathering is in progress. It is rather a staid
affair with a few idiots poking at sausages on a barbecue and a lot of
accountants wandering about. BRIAN is talking to an older man,
MONTAGUE, his boss. They are both holding drinks and trying to look
relaxed. They don't.
MONTAGUE
So Brian, where is this young lady of yours?
BRIAN
Well, I think she's working today, actually.
MONTAGUE
Mm, so, how are things at work?
BRIAN
Good, good, very good.
MONTAGUE
(absent-mindedly)
That's, er, very good, Brian. Very good indeed.
BRIAN
So, no problems then?
The VOICE is heard but not seen.
VOICE
Apart from the fact that you're an old wanker.
MONTAGUE
What?
BRIAN
(weakly)
Just one of the lads, Mr Montague.
CUT TO:
54 INT FLAT DAY
NIGEL is sitting, as before, at his computer typing away feverishly. We
get the impression that he on the verge of something. Suddenly he
stands up and punches the air shouting, 'yes' and 'I've got it' over
and over. Evidently he has discovered the number. He reaches for the
telephone on his desk but pauses before doing so. He thinks for second
and then pulls a mobile phone out of his pocket and begins to dial.
CUT TO:
55 INT OFFICE DAY
BRIAN is on the phone looking very animated. He is talking to NIGEL.
BRIAN
Brilliant mate, brilliant.(pause) And you're absolutely sure? Alright
what's the number?
Takes up a pen and writes down a number. At the top of the page he
writes the words 'magic number'.
This is brilliant, Nigel, I'll get back to you later.
He puts the phone down and leans back and smiles, he's finally got
something right, something big. Soon DELIA, untold wealth and anything
else he can think of will be his for the asking. He looks smugly around
the office. As he does so MONTAGUE approaches his desk.
MONTAGUE
A word if you please, Brian.
BRIAN
Er, I'm a bit busy at the moment Mr Montague, If you don't...
MONTAGUE
(uncompromisingly)
A word please, Brian. In my office, right now.
BRIAN gets up and follows him. As they move out of shot. MIKE walks
into view with sandwiches. He looks over the VOICE's cubicle, it seems
there is no one there. He walks aimlessly over to BRIAN's desk, looks
down and sees the piece of paper with the magic number on it, picks it
up and walks away.
CUT TO:
56 INT FLAT NIGHT
NIGEL is at his desk when the doorbell rings. He goes through a hallway
to a front door and opens it. Before he can say anything the TWO
ASSASSINS force their way in.
1ST ASSASSIN
Where's the PC?
NIGEL leads them through to his computer room.
NIGEL
What's all this about?
2ND ASSASSIN
You really expect us to believe that you haven't already guessed?
NIGEL
I haven't had time to do anything, I only just found the number.
1ST ASSASSIN
Well we can't take any chances on that I'm afraid. Just tell us
everything and you keep your head free of injuries.
1ST ASSASSIN pulls out a gun and points it at NIGEL.
NIGEL
I only found it a minute ago. How did you know what I was doing?
1ST ASSASSIN
You, Nigel, my son, are dealing with something far bigger than, well,
you for a start. Right unplug the computer.
NIGEL
(nervously)
Why, what are you doing?
2ND ASSASSIN
The computer is leaving you Nigel. Irreconcilable differences.
1ST ASSASSIN
Anyway you aren't going to need it anymore.
He smiles at NIGEL in an ugly way.
And remember, 'We are your future'. Such as it is.
NIGEL smiles weakly back. The 1ST ASSASSIN points the gun at NIGEL and
fires. The bullet hits him square on the forehead, killing him
instantly.
CUT TO:
57 INT OFFICE DAY
As MIKE moves out of shot BRIAN comes back to his desk and sees to his
great consternation that the number is no longer there. He frantically
looks through all the papers on his desk, becoming increasingly angry.
He sits down and punches his computer. He picks up the phone and dials
a number to which there is obviously no reply.
BRIAN
Shit.
He goes over to the VOICE's cubicle.
BRIAN
Did you take a number off my desk?
VOICE
What am I? The person who takes numbers off people's desk's. Why would
I want to take a number off your desk?
BRIAN
Never mind.
VOICE
What was it? Someone's girlfriend? Someone's wife? I bet it was a
massage parlour. Or a gay club. You probably stole it anyway. Why don't
you get your own number?
BRIAN picks up the phone and dials NIGEL again as the voice is
speaking.
CUT TO:
58 INT NIGEL'S FLAT DAY
The phone is ringing and NIGEL is lying on the ground dead in a pool of
blood.
CUT TO:
59 EXT PEAK DAY
MIKE and RONNIE are on bicycles dressed as Catholic priests. They are
working as extras somewhere outside London on a location film shoot.
They are riding along what appears to be a country lane although there
are production staff standing around in groups, deep in conversation,
all holding clipboards and smoking cigarettes. An aloof TV star stands
in front of a location set in traditional 19th century costume. She
petulantly complies as a director's assistant relieves her of her
walkman and cigarette. RONNIE and MIKE come to a stop just off the set.
RONNIE
You see, you don't have to be rich to enjoy yourself in London. Isn't
it great?
MIKE
Don't you want to be rich, you know, dinner at the Ritz, the job, the
flat?
RONNIE
Nah. Would we be doing this if we were rich? I like this, look at us!
(throwing his hands in the air) We're free! We're happy! We're Catholic
priests!
CUT TO:
60 EXT CENTRAL LONDON DAY
BRIAN and DELIA are walking along the street, DELIA is not entirely
happy.
DELIA
So, what you're telling me is that you had it and you've lost it.
BRIAN
Well, sort of...
DELIA
No, Brian you either have it or you don't. Do you have it?
BRIAN
No, but I did.
DELIA
That's actually worse than never having it in the first place.
BRIAN
No, Delia...
DELIA
(interrupting)
Yes it is.
NIGEL
...you see all I have to do is get Nigel on the phone and get it again.
DELIA
Yeah, and what about Nigel? Why haven't you just phoned him?
BRIAN
Well, that's it you see, I haven't been able to get through to him for
some reason, I mean the phone's been cut off, for some reason.
DELIA
Since when?
BRIAN
Yesterday.
DELIA
He's probably been arrested.
BRIAN
I'll find it, Delia or I'll find Nigel.
DELIA
You know Brian I don't think you will, something tells me you won't.
I'm going now, Brian and don't follow me, I hate it when you do that.
DELIA turns and walks away, BRIAN sort of trails along behind her.
BRIAN
As if I would.
DELIA
(snapping)
Brian. Go away.
CUT TO:
61 INT FLAT NIGHT
DELIA and MIKE are in DELIA's flat eating dinner. DELIA seems to be a
little distracted.
DELIA
You can't have a horse.
MIKE
What?
DELIA
A horse, you can't have a horse. I'm sorry, but there it is.
MIKE
It's okay.
DELIA
Oh. And we can't live in a big country house either.
MIKE
Well, you don't have to feel responsible. Anyway how do you know we
won't live in a big country house, we might.
DELIA
Yeah, I suppose so. It's just that (pausing, beginning to show a little
emotion) well, I was poor when I was brought up, you know, poor, you
know, like, like, rags, and, and a stinking flat, and...
MIKE
(interrupting)
There's no shame in poverty.
DELIA
(suddenly becoming very angry, she throws a cup at the wall. It smashes
causing a brief silence. MIKE seems confused, DELIA shows an alarming
bitterness.)
Oh, don't be so stupid, of course there is. That's what all the well-
meaning middle-classes want to us to believe, Mike, it's how they
justify it. There shouldn't be. But there is, a whole lot of it. People
make sure that you feel it. At Christmas, at birthdays, at the school
dance. You feel ashamed, Mike, because you're poor.
MIKE
(sympathetically)
I'm sorry. (pause) Anyway, you don't seem to be very poor now.
DELIA
No but I worked very hard to be where I am now. Very hard, much harder
than all those stuck up little yuppie gits waving their old school ties
and sticking out their stiff upper lips.
MIKE
Did something happen today?
DELIA
(calming down a bit)
Yeah I suppose it did in a way, I thought I was going to be rich, I
mean really rich, but, well, it was all a bit silly really when I think
about it. I mean there was us and the big house and so on and so on.
And now I feel like I lost my lottery ticket and my numbers came up.
MIKE
I'll cheer you up.
DELIA
How are you going to do that?
MIKE
With a magic number, you know, free phone calls, to the USA or the moon
if you want, can you call the moon now? I'm sure you can. You've heard
of magic numbers?
DELIA
Oh I've had enough of magic numbers for one... where did you get it.
MIKE
Well that's the funny thing, I found it on a guy's desk in when I was
delivering sandwiches in the West End.
DELIA
Montague Robinson and Baird in Prince Albert House?
MIKE
Yeah, how did you know that?
DELIA
(throwing herself at him, in great delight and to MIKE's great
surprise)
Oh Michael! Have you given it to anyone else?
MIKE
Only Mac. Why what is it?
DELIA
Is that the mad Scotsman?
MIKE
I'm afraid it is.
DELIA
Oh dear.
MIKE
Why, what's wrong?
DELIA
The magic number isn't free phone calls; it's a sort of back door into
the world's computer systems.
MIKE
(with a little scepticism)
The world?
DELIA
Well, I don't really know how it works exactly but basically it means
we can go into any system that uses Microtech 19 software.
MIKE
Microtech 19, (striking a dramatic pose) 'We are your future'.
DELIA
The bank, the office, friends, family, government departments, you name
it.
MIKE
How do you know it works? It all seems a bit fanciful.
DELIA
Well I know but I know it exists. And we've got it.
MIKE
We can have a house in the country.
DELIA
And a horse. Phone Mac now.
CUT TO:
62 INT MIKE AND MAC'S FLAT NIGHT
MACINTYRE is on the phone dialling a number. He pauses a second or two
and puts the phone down irately. Immediately it rings. He picks it up
and screams 'hello' down the phone.
MACINTYRE
Yes, of course it's me who did you think it would be? (pause) No it
bloody doesn't, I've been trying to phone Brazil for the last half an
hour. (pause) Never you mind. (pause) Why? (pause) I suppose I could,
is it of desperate importance? (pause) Okay, see you in half an hour.
CUT TO:
63 INT DELIA'S FLAT NIGHT
DELIA and MIKE are sitting at the dinner table facing each other.
DELIA
Can we trust him?
MIKE
Yeah, we can trust him.
The buzzer for the front door sounds. MIKE goes to answer it. He says,
'okay Mac' and presses an entry button.
CUT TO:
Same scene a little later. MIKE, MACINTYRE and DELIA are sitting round
the dinner table engrossed in conversation. The room now has a smokey,
poker table atmosphere.
MACINTYRE
It occurs to me that Nigel's phone being cut off so soon after he finds
this number is more than a little suspicious.
DELIA
Mm. What would you suggest?
MACINTYRE
(getting up and walking around the room while he talks, beginning to
sound a bit like a Mafia boss)
Let me tell you the story about the Spanish civil service clerk and the
monthly expenses claim. He's just a normal guy working in a small
office in Madrid, making a modest living and leading a quiet life.
Wife, couple of kids, small family saloon, enjoys a game of darts with
the hombres on a Saturday night, cuts the grass on Sunday mornings.
Anyway, he puts in his expense account one month and accidentally puts
the decimal point in the wrong place. What do you know? They send him a
cheque for ten times what he should have got. He sits on it, eventually
cashes it and they don't notice. There is a God, he thinks. He tries it
again a month or two later and it works again. By the time they caught
up with him he had two mansion houses in the country, was driving an
Aston Martin and had sent his kids to the best public school in Europe.
He went too far. We do this once for as much money as we can get away
with and then disappear.
MIKE
You aren't being a bit over cautious?
MACINTYRE
Possibly, but we're stealing if we make money out of this thing, you do
realise that, don't you?
DELIA
Oddly enough I hadn't really thought about it that way.
MACINTYRE
Well, you better start, because if we go through with this and get
caught we're looking at ten or fifteen years in jail.
MIKE
We could just go to the police.
MACINTYRE
Why? Because someone's been bad? Think again. First of all, what's
happened to this guy Nigel? That troubles me for a start. Microtech 19
are powerful people, Jesus, we might as well be dealing with the Mafia.
Going to the police means, at best, the witness protection programme,
at worst, and as I see it likeliest, being ignored and killed before we
can draw breath. Knowledge is the most valuable commodity on the
planet and we have one of the rarest pieces of knowledge there is. If
we expose it, we cause no end of chaos, if we expose the fact that we
know what it is, without telling anyone what it is, we make ourselves
extremely vulnerable. We can use it to our advantage or we can destroy
all trace of it. Those are our best and, I feel, only options.
CUT TO:
64 INT NIGEL'S FLAT DAY
ROBERTA is standing outside NIGEL's flat. The door is slightly ajar but
a police crime scene tape is across the door. She ducks underneath it
and goes into the flat. We follow her through to the computer room. It
is completely trashed with a bit of blood on the floor. She goes to the
desk where the computer was and looks around. She seems more curious
than worried. As she is investigating a policeman enters the room. He
is a bit stupid but pleasant enough.
POLICEMAN
Can I help you at all?
ROBERTA
What happened? Where's Nigel?
POLICEMAN
Can I ask what your connection with Nigel is?
ROBERTA
Er, just a friend, really, why?
POLICEMAN
(being a bit overly dramatic)
I'm afraid I have some bad news, Nigel died yesterday.
ROBERTA
Died? How did he die?
POLICEMAN
(flatly, forgetting his drama)
He was shot through the head.
ROBERTA
God! Who shot him?
POLICEMAN
We don't know that as yet. You better give me your details just in case
it was you. It wasn't you was it?
ROBERTA
No.
POLICEMAN
I didn't think it was you. You don't look the type.
ROBERTA
I'm not the type. Was it a professional job, you know, the mob.
POLICEMAN
(talking confidentially, as if to an old friend)
Well, between you and me, I think it was. I mean, they trashed the
place and all but he was shot at close range with a .22. Good clean
shot through the head. Burglars aren't usually that neat, although it
looks like they stole his computer, there's a printer and a keyboard
there and an empty space. They didn't steal anything else though.
ROBERTA
Mm.
CUT TO:
65 INT CAFE DAY
ROBERTA is looking intently through an address book while sitting in a
trendy café/bar. She stops at a page obviously of some significance,
takes out her mobile phone and dials.
ROBERTA
Pauline (pause) yeah, Roberta (pause) fine, yeah, listen, do you
remember that guy that Nigel used to hang out with? (pause) The English
guy, Brian, I think his name was, he went back to London (pause) yeah
(pause) I thought you went out with him once (pause) mm, do you
remember his second name? (pause) Staines, are you sure? (pause) well,
no, I don't suppose you would (pause) okay, thanks Pauline, oh, by the
way, Nigel was shot in the head yesterday, ghastly isn't it? (pause)
oh, he's dead alright, (pause) well, I'll get over it, bye, bye.
CUT TO:
66 INT OFFICE/MTR NIGHT
DELIA has her feet up on her desk and is talking on the phone to BRIAN.
BRIAN is on his mobile in an underground station waiting for a train.
It is rush hour and he is being jostled a bit by other commuters. As
usual they are both irritable.
DELIA
(even harder with him than usual)
No, Brian, no, I just don't want to. It's over, Brian, okay? I'm sorry
but there it is, no, actually I'm not even sorry, that's how over it
is.
CUT TO:
BRIAN
Well, if that's how you feel, I dare say I'll get over it. You're a
real bitch, Delia, d'you know that, (pause) yeah, well, Nigel's dead
(pause) yes, dead (pause) I phoned an old friend in the states and she
told me he'd been shot. (pause) that's right (pause) yeah, and you,
have a nice life you bitch.
CUT TO:
DELIA
(putting the phone down)
Oh I intend to.
DELIA picks up the phone again and dials.
DELIA
Hi. Mac, it's Delia, is Mike there? (pause) Well, it doesn't really
matter, something's come up, we have to talk urgently, meet me at
cinema in Leicester Square, you know, (pause) yeah, okay around nine
o'clock.
CUT TO:
67 EXT ARTS CENTRE NIGHT
MACINTYRE is sitting on a step outside the cinema. He is alone but two
young men are sitting near him. They approach him cautiously.
1ST MAN
Are you American?
MACINTYRE
Certainly not.
2ND MAN
Are you an Englishman?
MACINTYRE
Good God, that's even worse.
1ST MAN
We are from a small town in Armenia
MACINTYRE
I see, and you've lost your taxi fare home no doubt.
2ND MAN
No, we do not wish to ask you for money. What country are you from?
MACINTYRE
If you must know, I'm from Scotland, you know, Highland Flings, Loch
Ness Monster, whisky.
1ST MAN
Scotland, that is part of England, no?
MACINTYRE
You're not making a lot of friends here you know that don't you?
2ND MAN
We are sorry, we are only from a small town in Armenia. We are two
policemen.
1ST MAN
(shamefully)
And we are ashamed.
2ND MAN
Yes we are ashamed of our sirens.
1ST MAN
We are not exciting, in our car. They think we sound like a donkey.
2ND MAN
We want to go to a country with good sirens.
1ST MAN
Miami vice!
He makes the sound of what he imagines to be a more fashionable siren.
MACINTYRE remains silent but is viewing them with great suspicion.
2ND MAN
Beverly Hills Cop.
1ST MAN
(with even greater shame)
Yes, because in our town they point at us and laugh at our siren, they
call us... the donkey police.
MACINTYRE
This is ridiculous, now, off you go, you're just being silly.
DELIA and MIKE are coming up the steps as the two policemen start to
back away reluctantly.
2ND MAN
(desperately)
We want to go to America.
MACINTYRE
(standing up to urge them to go away)
Off you go, I've never heard such nonsense, go on now.
They walk away disconsolately as MACINTYRE is joined by MIKE and DELIA.
MIKE
Who are your friends?
MACINTYRE
Just two boys in pursuit of the Armenian dream.
The TWO POLICEMEN have left. MIKE, DELIA and MACINTYRE are sitting down
on the steps. DELIA takes cans of beer out of a bag and passes them
round. They all open them and drink.
MACINTYRE
So, what's the problem?
MIKE
Nigel's been shot.
MACINTYRE
Nigel the computer genius?
DELIA
Uh huh.
MIKE
What do you think?
MACINTYRE
I think it must work otherwise he wouldn't have been shot. It's too
much of a coincidence.
DELIA
So what do we do now?
MACINTYRE
I think we should just wait until we've got the false bank account
sorted out and do it. 'If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well
it were done quickly'.
DELIA
And you'll have to give up the sandwich run.
MACINTYRE
Mm, I'll miss the old cheese and pickle but I have to agree. If Nigel's
been in touch with Brian by telephone there's a good chance that the
people who shot him know Brian exists. The further we are from him the
better.
MIKE
Okay, so all we have to do is open a false bank account, we'll need
false ID.
MACINTYRE
Paul Smith. Sounds like an honest sort of a chap.
DELIA
God, I hope this works. What about a computer person?
MACINTYRE
Creamy.
DELIA
Creamy what?
MACINTYRE
Creamy the computer person.
MIKE
Is that sensible?
MACINTYRE
She may have an unusual name...
DELIA
(overlapping)
I'll say...
MACINTYRE
(overlapping)
...but she's a reliable girl and not to be trifled with.
MIKE
Yeah, well, I suppose she'll do as well as anyone. I came across a
student called Vermin last week. Although Bowel took a bit of beating,
I must say.
DELIA
Don't these idiots have dictionaries?
MACINTYRE
Meat Loaf, Snoop Doggy Dog, Sting, not to mention the artist formerly
known as... as, whatever he was formerly known as, what about these
idiots? Someone should call the name police on these guys. Anyway, I
think we have all the bases covered as you colonials are fond of
saying. (dramatically with another grand gesture). We're going to be
rich.
We focus briefly on DELIA who seems delighted and MIKE who smiles but
not without apprehension.
CUT TO:
68 INT OFFICE DAY
The BOSS sits behind his desk in his office examining some papers. He
stops suddenly and presses the button on the intercom. BARBARA answers.
BOSS
Barbara?
BARBARA
Yes, sir?
BOSS
Get me some cigars, a pipe and some cigarettes immediately. I've
decided to start smoking.
BARBARA
Right away, sir. Those men are here, sir, one of them swore, shall I
ask them to leave?
BOSS
(sighing)
Send them in.
The TWO ASSASSINS who killed NIGEL enter the room. They are a little
nervous and stand edgily by the door.
BOSS
(uncompromisingly)
Come in. Now lie down on the floor, face up.
They do as he says. He walks confidently around the room.
Now, I've decided to start smoking. What do you think of that?
1ST ASSASSIN
(after a slight pause)
Good decision, sir.
BOSS
I thought so. Now the question is, do I go for a cigar or a pipe? Or do
I go for cigarettes?
1ST ASSASSIN
I'd go for a cigar.
BOSS
When the day comes that I need your advice I'll register for voluntary
euthanasia. Alright get up. It turns out he had a mobile phone. He made
a call after he found the number; to this address in London. (he walks
over to where they lie and hands a piece of paper to 1ST ASSASSIN who
extends a hand without getting up) It's an accountant's office. Go
there and find out who the calls were made to and kill him.
CUT TO:
69 INT AEROPLANE NIGHT
The TWO ASSASSINS are sitting on a plane smoking cigarettes and playing
cards. We pan out to reveal ROBERTA sitting a few seats in front of
them. She is drinking a gin and tonic and looking disdainfully at a
backpacker sitting next to her. He looks at her and raises his eyebrows
as if to suggest that he is interested in having sex with her. She hits
him with a magazine.
CUT TO:
70 INT FLAT NIGHT
MIKE is sitting in his flat with a Chinese student. It's a rather
sombre-looking affair.
MIKE
Well, er, Smiley, er, that's about it for tonight, are you doing
anything special at the weekend?
SMILEY
I have nothing to do, I am very lonely, I do not like London.
MIKE
Don't you have any friends?
SMILEY
No, only me, sometimes I am very sad, I wish I could die.
MIKE
Oh, come on now, it can't be that bad. (looking at his watch) Listen
Smiley, I have to go right now, if you want to choose a new book
they're all up there on the shelf, and could you just switch off the
lights and slam the door behind you when you go out?
SMILEY
(sadly)
Okay.
MIKE picks up some keys and goes out, saying 'bye' to her as he pulls
the door shut. SMILEY doesn't say anything but is looking anything but
smiley. She gets up and walks into the kitchen area where she finds a
sharp knife. She takes this back through to the teaching area, sits
down and, after a moment's thought, plunges the knife into her chest.
She slumps face down onto the table, still sitting, she is dead. A
second or two later MIKE's key is heard in the door and he comes back
in, looking round for something he has evidently forgotten. He spots
his jacket on the settee, picks it up and dashes out again. He doesn't
look directly at SMILEY and clearly doesn't notice that she is dead.
His dialogue is spoken as he is doing this.
MIKE
(cheerily)
Forgot my jacket, right, off this time, have a nice weekend.
CUT TO:
71 INT FLAT NIGHT
MIKE and DELIA are in bed eating pizza and watching TV in DELIA's flat.
A warm, homely feel surrounds them.
DELIA
So how were your students tonight?
MIKE
Oh, fine, the usual you know, boring, a bit morbid the last one, she
wants to die.
DELIA
Poor little thing. Why does she want to die?
MIKE
She's lonely, apparently. Anyway, how are we doing with Paul Smith?
DELIA
Well, I got some business cards made up, he's a teacher, they look
quite good actually, I'd like to learn from him, in fact I quite fancy
him.
MIKE
What does he look like?
DELIA
Tall, dark and handsome, with a moustache. He plays the piano and
dances the Flamenco. Not at the same time of course. He works out,
drives an Aston Martin and has a mysterious past.
MIKE
Mm.
CUT TO:
72 INT FLAT NIGHT
MACINTYRE is walking quietly around in a bedroom in a strange
apartment. He is wearing a kimono, the room is tastefully decorated and
lit only by candlelight. Soft, sensuous classical music is playing.
Suddenly the main light comes on and CREAMY comes in. She is completely
naked apart from her breasts and vagina, which are covered by whipped
cream.
CREAMY
(excitedly)
Look, I'm Creamy!
MACINTYRE
Jesus Christ.
CUT TO:
73 INT FLAT NIGHT
DELIA and MIKE are still in bed.
MIKE
In your heart of hearts do you really think this is going to work?
DELIA
I don't know.
MIKE
Are we crazy? I mean to even try to get away with this. I've never done
anything like this in my life, but... but somehow because there's no
one tangible to visualise as a victim I feel as though there isn't one.
Maybe it's just because we haven't done anything wrong yet.
DELIA
Well there's always Brian, if you want a victim.
MIKE
You know what I mean. It's wrong surely, what we're doing. I mean,
we'll never get away with it will we?
DELIA
Don't go moral on me Mike. There are only two types of people in this
world; rich and poor. It doesn't matter how else you dress it up that's
the long and the short of it.
MIKE
There's more to life than money, Delia, sometimes I think you're
obsessed with it.
DELIA
If I threw you out onto the street right now with no money what would
you do.
MIKE
(slightly irritated as DELIA appears to be turning this around on
him.)
I don't know.
DELIA
Exactly. You don't know. You don't know because no one knows what to do
without money, we're lost without it. We're ruined without it. We spend
all day working essentially to accumulate money and then the rest of
the day spending it. Don't you think I'd like to spend all day making
love and drinking Champagne and eating ice cream?
MIKE
Alright, you win. I just feel uncomfortable with this, I mean I don't
feel guilty as such but, well, it's surreal, somehow, like it's not
really happening but, but, well, it is. We're going to commit a
serious crime, Delia. Probably.
DELIA
You mean you feel guilty because you don't feel guilty?
MIKE
I don't know what I feel (half-laughing) I mean, this isn't me! I'm not
an international criminal.
DELIA
I know, but isn't it fun?
MIKE
Yeah, yeah, it is kind of fun, in a worrying sort of way.
CUT TO:
74 INT FLAT NIGHT
CREAMY is sprawled naked on the bed in the apartment as before looking
reasonably pleased with herself. MACINTYRE is gazing out of the window
at a sea of neon. From over his shoulder we can see the ubiquitous
'days to go' sign, we are now down to 45. MACINTYRE seems in pensive
mood although we pan round and close in on him to see that he still has
whipped cream round his mouth.
MACINTYRE
You have proved to be an excellent dessert.
CUT TO:
75 INT FLAT DAY
MIKE is sitting in his flat alone. Suddenly his worried look is back.
The key is heard in the door and MACINTYRE bursts in.
MACINTYRE
(outraged)
So what's the big problem. You realise that you have interrupted my
dessert.
MIKE points to the dead body of SMILEY at the table.
MIKE
She's dead.
MACINTYRE goes over to her and prods her about a bit.
MACINTYRE
(like a coroner issuing a verdict)
Bored to death. I've warned you about this. The very life driven out of
her poor, stiff, wee body by your tedious practices. By God, sir, you
have much to answer for. What were you teaching her?
MIKE
Thomas Hardy in easy English. Jude the Obscure.
MACINTYRE
No wonder she killed herself.
MIKE
What are we going to do?
MACINTYRE
Dump her.
They look meaningfully at each other, MACINTYRE confirms his grisly
suggestion with a nod.
MIKE
(incredulously)
Dump her? (pause) You're not serious?
MACINTYRE
Well it isn't going to make any difference to her is it?
MIKE
(outraged)
It'll make a difference to me, good God, Mac. I mean, we can't...
MACINTYRE
We can't afford to phone the police. We're running an unregistered
business, you're working illegally and we won't even mention the fact
that we're about to, shall we say, acquire, some very large sums of
money from London's banks. Do you want to phone the police?
MIKE
I think we should.
MACINTYRE
Alright, think on this. Why is she dead? And why has it taken us three
days to report it?
MIKE
This is God punishing us for committing a crime.
MACINTYRE
We haven't committed a crime.
MIKE
Yet.
MACINTYRE
So this is God punishing us for not committing a crime just yet. What
happens if we actually go through with it? Fire, floods, a plague of
locusts?
MIKE loses the haunted look and begins to come round.
MIKE
Alright, so we can't phone the police. Can't we contact someone
anonymously and say we found a body. I mean, what about her family,
they'll be devastated.
MACINTYRE
Devastated my arse, don't you watch the news? They dig up body parts
here on a daily basis, they'll be pleased to have her back in one
piece.
MIKE
(exasperated)
She's dead!
MACINTYRE
(a little more relaxed than would seem normal)
Well, I won't dispute that but does it really matter how, where and
when?
MIKE
Yes, yes it does.
MACINTYRE
Look let's go up town and have a wee talk. It'll seem better after a
drink or two.
MIKE
Better? This is not a situation that's going to get any better. And
what do you propose to do with her in the meantime?
MACINTYRE
Well, we can't take her.
CUT TO:
76 EXT PUB NIGHT
MIKE and MACINTYRE are sitting drinking outside a pub. It is busy, a
lot of trendy young people wandering about, all looking confident and
happy in direct contrast to MIKE and MACINTYRE who are surveying the
scene in slightly detached manner. We move slowly through the crowd,
focusing briefly on two young executives. They talk arrogantly.
1ST EXECUTIVE
I bought a boat today. One million dollars. It was better than sex.
2ND EXECUTIVE
I had sex today. That girl over there (focus briefly on a girl in the
crowd, she waves and blows a kiss) I took her from behind. She was
squealing with ecstasy. It was better than buying a boat.
We move on through the crowd towards MIKE and MACINTYRE who sit on a
window ledge just behind the girl. We focus briefly on her as we close
on them.
GIRL
Yeah, I had sex with him this afternoon, he was completely crap but
he's my boss so I faked it.
Moving past her and closing on MIKE and MACINTYRE.
MIKE
Should we tell Delia?
MACINTYRE
Absolutely not.
MIKE
Why?
MACINTYRE
Firstly, she's a woman. They can't keep their mouths shut about
anything, she'd be on the phone within five minutes telling all her
mates, she'd probably want to tell her mother. Secondly, there's no
point, it'll only confuse things. We deal with this quickly and quietly
and then forget about it.
MIKE
(reluctantly)
Okay, we dispose of the body, well, discretely, but I'm not happy about
it.
MACINTYRE
I'm not happy about it either. D'you think we could get her into a
rucksack?
MIKE
(with head in hands)
God, this is awful.
CUT TO:
77 EXT TELEPHONE KIOSK DAY
ROBERTA is in a phone booth on a side street, now in London. Unlike
MIKE she seems quite comfortable in her new surroundings. She gives a
mean stare to a young man who is waiting to use the phone. He backs
away, a little frightened.
ROBERTA
Yes, hello, I'd like the number for a Mr Brian Staines, please. (pause)
S-t-a-i-n-e-s (pause) I'm sorry I don't know the address.
There is a slight pause before she takes down a telephone number.
CUT TO:
78 EXT CAFE DAY
BRIAN and ROBERTA are sitting outside a bar in the West End having a
drink. It is the place that MIKE and MACINTYRE were at after
discovering SMILEY's body. They are the epitome of the trendy couple,
wearing sunglasses, leaning back confidently in their seats surveying
the activities of the passers-by, of whom, as usual, there are plenty.
A sign in the background tells us that there are forty days to go. We
detect a growing sense of urgency.
ROBERTA
So what you're telling me here is that you had the number and you lost
it. Wasn't that a little careless?
BRIAN
Don't you start. I've just about had...
ROBERTA
(talking over him)
Have you sat down and thought about this, I mean really worked it out?
BRIAN
Do you think I'm stupid? I've thought about nothing else.
ROBERTA
Was there a window open, or a fan or anything that could have blown it
away?
BRIAN
No, nothing like that.
ROBERTA
You didn't move it, could a secretary or a cleaner have moved it?
BRIAN
No.
As they are talking, BRIAN regards some people walking by. They include
DELIA and MIKE. BRIAN gets up to go and talk to her but notices MIKE
and the fact that they are holding hands. He sits back down. They have
not noticed him.
ROBERTA
What? What is it?
BRIAN
The sandwich man, it must have been the sandwich man. That bitch. How
did she find him?
ROBERTA
Excuse me. Did I miss a page?
BRIAN
I think I know where our number is.
CUT TO:
79 INT OFFICE DAY
BRIAN is sitting drumming his fingers on his desk and looking out of
the window. As usual we are unable to see 'the VOICE'.
BRIAN
Where is the sandwich man today? The bugger's always late.
VOICE
No he's not, it's another bloke.
BRIAN
What do you mean it's another bloke?
VOICE
Well I can hardly imagine what I meant by that, I do come out with some
cryptic remarks sometimes don't I? Call me enigmatic if you like but I
like to keep them guessing, in fact...
BRIAN
(interrupting)
So where did he go? Is he on holiday?
VOICE
Why do you want to know that? Do you fancy him?
BRIAN
Once and for all. I am not gay, alright. Not gay.
VOICE
Well that jacket is.
BRIAN
I sometimes think you were sent by God to punish me.
VOICE
I was. I'm going to out you. And that jacket...
BRIAN
(interrupting)
Yes and I hate you. Anyway do you know where the sandwich man went or
don't you?
VOICE
Of course I don't, I'm not a database for itinerant bums, he's probably
on a beach in Thailand by now although actually I did see him on the
tube going out Golders Green way a couple of nights ago with a gorgeous
girl. He's probably a male prostitute. You should go up there and hang
around, you might get lucky.
CUT TO:
80 INT UNDERGROUND STATION DAY
It is around teatime. BRIAN is standing outside the escalators watching
people come home from work. He is wearing a hat and dark glasses. He is
obviously waiting for MIKE or DELIA. After a moment or two MIKE comes
into view. BRIAN turns away from him and then steps onto the escalator
following him at what he assumes to be a safe distance. He is almost
excruciatingly obvious about his intentions. In an attempt to hide when
MIKE turns round for a moment he bends down to pretend to tie his
shoelaces inadvertently arousing the suspicions of a short-skirted girl
immediately in front of him. She turns round to see BRIAN apparently
trying to look up her skirt. She hits him over the head with her
handbag. MIKE remains oblivious. We follow them up the escalator and
then out of the station and along a street. Eventually we come to the
front door of MIKE's apartment block. BRIAN just catches the door
before it locks and watches the lift to see which floor it stops at.
CUT TO:
81 INT FLAT NIGHT
It is now a little later. MIKE is sitting down on the settee looking
grimly at the body of SMILEY who has now obviously been dead for a few
more days. MACINTYRE comes in.
MIKE
We've got to move her. We've got a student in half an hour.
MACINTYRE
Better put her in the kitchen. We can keep people away from it easier.
If the worst comes to the worst we could always hide her in the fridge.
MIKE
The kitchen's too open she'll need to go into a bedroom.
MACINTYRE
Well she can't come into mine. Creamy's here far too often. And she
likes to investigate things.
MIKE
(with disgust)
I know I've heard her. Okay. Let's get on with it.
They lift her unsteadily from her seat, rigor mortis having set in she
remains in the seated position. They take her into a small corridor
and, banging her head off a door, into a bedroom.
MIKE
In the wardrobe.
They open the wardrobe door and squeeze her in. Her arm appears, partly
opening the door. MACINTYRE deftly pushes it back in with his foot
before closing the door.
MACINTYRE
Now whatever you do don't forget she's in there.
MIKE
Very funny.
CUT TO:
82 EXT CENTRAL DAY
LONG SHOT OF BRIAN AND ROBERTA STANDING ON AN OVERHEAD WALKWAY LOOKING
INTO THE CAMERA DOWN A BUSY LONDON STREET
ROBERTA
Are you sure this guy has the number?
CUT TO:
View from the walkway, BRIAN and ROBERTA with backs to the camera
looking back down the same street.
BRIAN
No, but it's all just too convenient and when I think about it, who
else could have taken it. Whether Delia had anything to do with it or
not.
ROBERTA
(turning round to face the camera)
Alright, I'm inclined to agree with you. What do we do now?
BRIAN
(turning round also)
I'm not sure, after Nigel's untimely demise I'm not entirely convinced
I want to do anything. I mean, quite frankly, I'm surprised you're
still alive.
They begin to walk, still facing the camera, into one of the adjoining
buildings. There is dramatic classical music playing quietly in the
background. It is the upstairs gallery of a large shopping mall. A few
shoppers are dotted about but it is fairly quiet.
ROBERTA
This has occurred to me. I think they must have tracked him down
through his telephone, I mean if they'd been watching for long they'd
have seen me leave the apartment at some point.
BRIAN
He spoke to me after he found the number. Probably just before he died.
Having said that he only had my office number as far as I know. Bugger.
ROBERTA
What, what have you done now?
BRIAN
I told Delia that Nigel was dead.
ROBERTA
Well that was clever.
BRIAN
I didn't think it would matter.
ROBERTA
Well it matters now doesn't it? Anyway, that might not be such a bad
thing.
BRIAN
Why not?
ROBERTA
Because now she and the pastrami kid have probably reached the same
conclusions that we just have. My guess would be that they'll log on
once and collect a huge sum of money and then fly to Timbuktu. Maybe we
should break into their apartment.
BRIAN
So what do we do?
ROBERTA
Congratulate them and wave them off at the airport.
BRIAN
Okay, okay, so why do we need to break into his apartment?
ROBERTA
Well, it might be useful. Even if we can't find the number we might
find something. Brochures, telephone numbers, anything that might tell
us what they've got planned. We've got the upper hand now. They don't
even know we exist.
BRIAN
We could just ask them to hand it over, or share it.
ROBERTA
We could but now that Nigel's dead they'll want to keep the whole thing
as quiet as possible. And why would they trust us not to take the money
and run, then leave a trail pointing at them. She dumped you fast
enough when you were no more use to her. Best just to wait and watch,
for now at least.
BRIAN
It's risky.
ROBERTA
I don't think so. They'll be careful but they don't think anyone's
watching them. As long as we're sensible about this we'll get them.
They won't risk using the number more than once. I wouldn't. Cash in a
bag is the least traceable thing to do. Think about it. You wouldn't
use your own name for obvious reasons. If they use a false bank account
and transfer it there's always the chance that they'll be tracked down
before they can get to it and I don't get the impression that Microtech
19 are the sort of people who mess about.
BRIAN
(getting a little more friendly)
So, er, d'you fancy a drink tonight?
ROBERTA
(shaking her head)
Don't even think about me when you masturbate.
CUT TO:
83 INT LIFT OFFICE BLOCK DAY
The TWO ASSASSINS are in a lift on their own watching the light
indicating the floor numbers. They are dressed as tourists, carrying
cameras etc. The lift stops and they walk out into the reception area
of an office. The names 'Montague Robinson and Baird' are written on
the wall in large letters. The men approach the RECEPTIONIST who simply
stares at them. They look back at her, then at each other, then at her
again. She remains inscrutably mute. They back away.
1ST ASSASSIN
What should we do?
2ND ASSASSIN
Dunno. Maybe we should just hold a gun to her head.
1ST ASSASSIN
No point. She might not know.
They approach the RECEPTIONIST again.
1ST ASSASSIN
Could you help us? We're trying to track down a friend.
RECEPTIONIST
Name?
1ST ASSASSIN
Ah, well, you see we don't know.
RECEPTIONIST
(sarcastically)
Is he a very close friend?
2ND ASSASSIN
You see he's only a friend of a friend. You see he was supposed to help
us look for, er, a place to live and we lost his address...
1ST ASSASSIN
Yeah and we, er, remembered he worked here, we just got here from the
states, first time, ha, ha. Anyway he would get a lot, well, some calls
from the states. Who gets calls from the states?
RECEPTIONIST
You're crazy, I don't know. They get calls from the states every five
minutes, this is an American company. There are three floors and
another office in Hounslow, maybe one or two hundred Americans.
2ND ASSASSIN takes out his gun and grabs her brutally by the hair,
holding the gun to her temple.
1ST ASSASSIN
Okay you little bitch. A guy got a call from the states last Monday
morning. Who was it?
RECEPTIONIST
I don't know, I don't know. I can't remember. Don't kill me, please
don't kill me. I can't remember...
2ND ASSASSIN shoots her in the head. They turn and press the button for
the lift.
2ND ASSASSIN
Now all we have to do is wait outside and see who's sweating the most
when they go home from work. It's going to be a tough day at the office
for someone.
CUT TO:
84 INT BRIAN'S OFFICE DAY
BRIAN is sitting at his desk looking rather pale.
BRIAN
So, did you find out what the noise was?
VOICE
What am I, the person who finds out what loud noises are? It's not your
noise is it? Is it? You should get your own noise, if you want a
noise...
BRIAN
Alright, alright, just tell me what it was, you went to find out,
didn't you?
VOICE
Ooh, well, someone came to work with his slippers on...
BRIAN
(interrupting angrily)
What was the bloody noise?
VOICE
Well, if you'll let me finish.(pause) Someone shot the receptionist in
the head.
BRIAN
(horrified)
No!
VOICE
(flippantly)
I'm afraid so. My money's on Wilson from acquisitions, she hit him with
her umbrella last week for using her phone.
BRIAN
(still horrified)
Dear God.
CUT TO:
85 INT FLAT NIGHT
MIKE, MACINTYRE and CREAMY are in the boys' flat. CREAMY and MACINTYRE
are sitting on the settee looking at inkblot tests. MIKE is looking
through some papers at the table.
MIKE
Okay, so I'm Paul Smith.
CREAMY
What are these for?
MIKE
They're psychology tests. You're supposed to guess at someone's
character, hang-ups, whatever according to what they think the inkblots
look like. Should we just do one bank?
MACINTYRE
No. Two, I would say but no more than that.
CREAMY
(indicating an ink blot)
What is this?
MACINTYRE
A vagina.
CREAMY
(outraged)
No!
MACINTYRE
It is, it looks like a vagina.
MIKE
I can't believe they gave me a passport.
CREAMY
Alright, maybe a vagina. What about this one?
MACINTYRE
That's a vagina too.
CREAMY
(greater outrage)
No!
MIKE
Should I wear a disguise.
MACINTYRE
Fair point. Yeah, probably best. Nothing too outrageous, dark glasses,
false moustache as long as it doesn't look too ridiculous.
CREAMY
(turning the page of the book, becoming a little angry)
This one?
MACINTYRE
Vagina.
CREAMY
(becoming very angry)
Whose vagina? You know too many vaginas.
MIKE
Will you stop that?
MACINTYRE
I'm not doing anything.
CREAMY
One more. This one.
MACINTYRE
Well, er, it looks like an aeroplane. (pause) But if you turn it upside
down it looks like a vagina.
Creamy stands up and looks at him pointedly.
CREAMY
Well you can be on your own with your vaginas.
She storms out slamming the door behind her.
MIKE
(darkly)
You know who's still in the wardrobe, don't you?
CUT TO:
86 INT DELIA'S FLAT NIGHT
DELIA and MIKE are sitting watching TV in bed. The news is on.
DELIA
Okay. So now we have Paul Smith, what do we do with him?
MIKE
We take two million sterling from both Lloyds and the Midland
DELIA
Did you open the bank accounts?
MIKE
No, not yet, I thought...
DELIA
Oh my God...
MIKE
What, what is it?
DELIA
Sh, look at the tele...
CUT TO:
The TV. A tacky satellite channel is broadcasting a news bulletin, in
which a reporter, BAMBI, is standing outside an office block. The tones
of the reporter and studio presenter, JUICY, are just a little bit too
bright and breezy for the subject matter.
BAMBI
It was in this normally quiet part of London's business district where
today just before noon a young secretary was brutally gunned down as
she sat at her desk in the offices of Montague, Robinson and Baird, a
firm of accountants who work from Prince Albert House, the building
behind me. Police are reluctant at this stage to release a great deal
of information regarding the shooting but a link with organised crime
can't be ruled out given the sinister efficiency with which the crime
appears to have been carried out.
JUICY
Bambi, have the police any leads at all?
BAMBI
No, Juicy, they appear at present to be at a complete loss but appeal
to anyone who may have been in this part of London around noon today to
come forward.
CUT TO:
MIKE
(with dread)
You're going to tell me something alarming aren't you?
DELIA
That's Brian's office.
MIKE
(suddenly speaking with complete conviction)
Right, that's it, we can't go through with this, I've got a body in my
wardrobe, people are getting shot. We're decent people, if we start
behaving like the bad guys there's no hope for humanity. This has been
cursed from the start, what if...
DELIA
Hold on there, hold on. You've got a body in your wardrobe?
MIKE
Yeah, well, I wasn't supposed to tell you. It's alright though we're
going to dump it tomorrow.
DELIA
What on earth are you talking about? Suddenly I'm in bed with Michael
Corleone.
MIKE
Yeah, er, remember I told you about the student who was depressed and
had no friends, Smiley?
DELIA
Smiley?
MIKE
That was her name. Well she committed suicide in the flat after I had
gone out, and, well, Mac didn't come home that weekend and neither did
I so she just sat there for three days.
DELIA
And you thought it was best not to tell the police in the light of our
present situation. Or Mac did.
MIKE
That's about the size of it.
DELIA
Mm, probably wise.
MIKE
You don't sound overly worried.
DELIA
These things happen, it's not your fault.
MIKE
(getting angry)
No they don't! Not to me anyway. God Almighty, am I the only person
that's upset about this? I mean, three people are dead, Delia. This is
awful. I shouldn't be involved in this, I'm not the dead bodies in
cupboards type.
DELIA
(trying to bring him round)
You are now. Anyway, you're not seriously suggesting that these people
wouldn't be dead if we weren't involved. In fact, if you hadn't nicked
that number it's a possibility that both Brian and I would be dead by
now. And God knows who else. As soon as Nigel found that number and
whoever it was found out that he had the number that was it. Nothing on
heaven or earth was going to change things.
MIKE
I don't like it Delia. I mean, you know, I feel good about us,
generally speaking, I mean, apart from the fact that we're about to
steal millions of dollars and three people are dead but well...
DELIA
(interrupting)
You can walk out if you like.
MIKE
You know it isn't that easy.(pause) Would you still want to be with me
if there wasn't money at the end of the rainbow. What if it was a
choice between me and the money?
DELIA
I would choose you.
MIKE
Well, you would say that wouldn't you?
DELIA
Well you would ask wouldn't you? (pause) No, Mike, not necessarily. I
want you and the money. If I seem clinical it's only because I know
what I want. I think that what's happened up until now was going to
happen anyway. They've gone after Brian, that's tough on Brian but
there's nothing we could have done about it.
MIKE
They're going to kill us aren't they? Whatever happens, they're going
to kill us.
DELIA
If they find us.
MIKE
I wish to God I'd never set eyes on that thing. This is greed d'you
know that, greed. 'All suffering comes from desire'.
DELIA
Don't tell me you don't want it. The horse, the house in the country,
the library full of books. Enough money to last you for the rest of
your life. Don't tell me you don't want it. I don't see you beating a
path to the university these days, you could stick with it or you could
walk away if you really wanted to. Life is transient, Mike, your life
is transient, it's changing and in all truth you're going along with it
because deep down inside you want to. Maybe that's what's really
bothering you.
MIKE
I don't want it at any price. You're probably right about what's
happened so far but as soon as I think people are getting hurt because
of me I'm out. You know what I'm saying here, Delia.
DELIA
(with alarming bitterness)
You've never really had to worry about money have you? Believe me, life
takes on a whole new complexion when you don't know where your next
meal's coming from.
MIKE
(softening up a bit and taking her in his arms)
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, I guess it does. I just wish it could all be a
bit less (pause) awful.
CUT TO:
87 EXT STREET NIGHT
BRIAN is standing outside MIKE and MACINTYRE's flat pressing the
buzzers obviously trying to establish which number is correct. He hears
nothing to three calls, an old lady and then, finally, the sound of
MACINTYRE's Scottish accent saying 'hello, who's that?'. At this, he
turns and walks away.
CUT TO:
88 EXT STREET DAY
BRIAN and ROBERTA are walking along the street leading to MIKE and
MACINTYRE's flat. They have two large, heavy suitcases. ROBERTA is
dressed very sexily. They approach the front door of the building and
press the service button. An old man, presumably the caretaker,
appears. When he opens the door BRIAN runs in past them, pretending not
to be with ROBERTA. She bends over, doing a damsel in distress routine
with the suitcases. The old man is clearly only too happy to help,
although he isn't exactly in peak physical condition. She takes as much
time as she can.
CUT TO:
BRIAN is looking around the caretaker's desk. He quickly comes to an
array of keys, focuses on 14a, takes it, replaces it with a similar key
and goes to the lift. As he does so he is joined by ROBERTA and
suitcases. They enter the lift together. The old man is left smiling
broadly at ROBERTA who is facing him and smiling sweetly as the doors
of the lift close.
CUT TO:
89 INT FLAT DAY
BRIAN and ROBERTA are cautiously wandering about in MIKE and
MACINTYRE's flat.
BRIAN
I can't believe that little shit's screwing Delia.
ROBERTA
Believe it, baby. Good and hard too, more than likely.
BRIAN
Do you mind?
ROBERTA
Right, shut up. They wouldn't leave anything lying around. We'll need
to look in their rooms.
We follow them through the flat to MACINTYRE's room. It is a mess.
There are clothes lying around, empty bottles, condoms, coke cans, etc.
ROBERTA rifles through a chest of drawers but finds nothing.
BRIAN
What a bloody state. This is not the room of an international criminal,
surely to God.
ROBERTA
We could spend a week in here and not be noticed. I can't see anything.
You?
BRIAN
No, best try the other one.
CUT TO:
MIKE's bedroom, which is a good deal, more tidy than the last. As
before they start to pick through drawers and bedside table, anywhere
that anything might be concealed, with no success. Inevitably BRIAN
looks in the wardrobe.
BRIAN
Dear God, look.
CLOSE-UP OF, THE NOW VERY DEAD, SMILEY
ROBERTA
(gleefully)
Well, well, well. Is she dead?
BRIAN
Oh she's dead alright. I don't suppose you've got a camera in your
handbag.
ROBERTA
Sadly no. What on earth do you suppose she's doing in there? Have a
look.
BRIAN kneels down and looks at the body.
BRIAN
She's been stabbed. She must've found the number or found out what they
were up to.
ROBERTA
Guess so. What do you know about this sandwich man? Did he seem the
violent type?
BRIAN
Far from it. I thought he was quite docile. I couldn't speak for the
other one though, except that he had a Scottish accent.
ROBERTA
Oh well that settles it then, it must've been him. She tried to clean
his room and was attacked by his clothes. Come on we better get out of
here. You'll have to put the key back, we don't want them finding out
we've been here. I feel a little blackmail coming on. Where do we get a
gun?
CUT TO:
90 EXT STREET DAY
BRIAN and ROBERTA are walking back the way they came.
BRIAN
(nervously)
A gun? I don't think that's a very good idea. Someone might get hurt.
ROBERTA
(calmly)
Nigel's dead. They've got a body in their wardrobe...
BRIAN
(interrupting)
Just because they've got one doesn't mean we've got to have one.
ROBERTA
(ignoring him)
...your receptionist's had her head blown off, a message for you I'd
say at a guess, and you're worried in case anyone gets hurt. Wake up,
Brian, this number could be worth billions, it doesn't bear thinking
about what you could do with this thing if it works, which apparently
it does.
CUT TO:
91 INT FLAT DAY
MIKE, DELIA and MACINTYRE are in MIKE's room stuffing SMILEY into a
rucksack. MACINTYRE is doing this with some gusto; DELIA and MIKE are
more subdued. As they are zipping it up her hand pops out.
MACINTYRE
Rather poetic don't you think. It's like she's waving goodbye.
MIKE unhappily pushes the hand back into the rucksack and zips it up.
He sits down on the bed with a look of dread on his face.
DELIA
This is the last bloody thing we need. How could you be so stupid?
MIKE
We didn't kill her, it was just bad luck, remember? If you ask me this
is fate. God is telling us...
MACINTYRE
To get on with it.
DELIA
Mike, for the last time, this is not divine intervention. We haven't
done anything wrong.
MIKE sighs with an air resignation, his, now, stock response to the
increasingly unpleasant nature of their activities.
MACINTYRE
Shut up.
MIKE
I didn't say anything.
MACINTYRE
No but you were thinking it.
MIKE looks as though he is about to protest but is cut off by
MACINTYRE.
Right, let's get on with it.
CUT TO:
92 EXT/INT UNDERGROUND NIGHT
MIKE, DELIA and MACINTYRE are standing on the platform of a tube
station. It is mid-evening and not as busy as usual. MACINTYRE takes
the rucksack off his back and puts it on the platform, patting it on
the head. A couple of BACKPACKERS are standing next to him. They are,
inevitably, the tie-dye T-shirts and shorts variety, if a little fresh-
faced and innocent.
MACINTYRE
(to backpackers)
Dead heavy these things aren't they?
1ST BACKPACKER
(in a German accent)
Yes they are. Do you know, am I in the right place to get to Earl's
Court?
MACINTYRE
You are indeed. Get off at Earl's Court, you know? Second stop.
2ND BACKPACKER
We have come from India this morning, This rucksack is getting heavier
I think. It's like someone keeps putting something in it while I am not
looking. Are you going to Earl's Court also?
MACINTYRE
No I'm going up to Glasgow.
MIKE
(aside to MACINTYRE)
Is this the best time to be making friends?
1ST BACKPACKER
I am Claus and this is Gerd.
They all shake hands, MIKE and DELIA reluctantly, MACINTYRE is a
little too friendly. As they are doing so the train arrives. They all
get on. CLAUS and GERD sit next to their friend. MIKE and DELIA sit
opposite them.
MACINTYRE
So, you boys from Germany then?
GERD
Yes we are, you are British?
MACINTYRE
Well, Scottish, actually but yes I suppose so.
As they are talking MIKE looks across at MACINTYRE and notices that
there is a finger protruding from the rucksack. He kicks MACINTYRE's
foot to attract his attention.
MIKE
(leaning forward and hissing into his ear)
There's a bloody finger sticking out.
MACINTYRE looks at the finger and then in the direction in which the
finger is pointing. Finally he smiles, pokes the finger back in and
zips up the rucksack.
DELIA
You know I think he's actually enjoying this.
MACINTYRE
Did you see the Taj Mahal?
CLAUS
Yes it was wonderful.
MACINTYRE
Yes but it's not as good as the Scott Monument.
CLAUS
The what?
MACINTYRE
The Scott Monument in Edinburgh, spectacular.
GERD
We have never been to your country.
MACINTYRE
Never mind, did you go to Jaipur, is it Jaipur, the pink city?
CLAUS
Yes it was also very beautiful.
MACINTYRE
You've obviously never been to Dundee?
GERD
I have heard of this place is it pink also?
MACINTYRE
Well not pink exactly, more a sort of greyish brown but...
CLAUS
(interrupting)
We also went to the Himalayas. It was amazing...
MACINTYRE
(interrupting)
I've seen the Himalayas but to be honest, for truly awe-inspiring
scenery you really can't beat the highlands of Scotland.
GERD
You surely can't compare Scotland to the Himalayas I don't think it can
be the same.
MACINTYRE
It's better. Have you ever been to Scotland?
CLAUS
No, but...
MACINTYRE
Well there you are then.
CUT TO:
Same scene a little later, MACINTYRE, CLAUS and GERD are sitting
silently, staring into space, MACINTYRE smiling, the Germans looking a
bit bemused. The train pulls into Earl's Court station and the Germans
get off.
MACINTYRE
(as they are leaving the train)
And if you ever get to Scotland don't forget the Hanging Gardens of
Perth.
GERMANS
(looking back into the train with great suspicion)
Thank you, goodbye.
The doors close and the train moves off again.
MACINTYRE
(with a look of self-satisfaction)
Travel really does broaden the mind.
CUT TO:
93 EXT RIVERBANK NIGHT
MACINTYRE, DELIA and MIKE are now in a deserted area on the bank of the
Thames. It is dark and very quiet. They approach the water's edge, put
down the rucksack and stand in a line looking at it. After a moment
MACINTYRE takes the body out of the rucksack and dumps it rather
unceremoniously into the river.
DELIA
(ponderously)
Poor little Smiley, I wonder what made her so sad.
MACINTYRE
Thomas bloody Hardy.
CUT TO:
94 EXT SANDOWN DAY
BRIAN and ROBERTA are standing in the crowd at the racecourse watching
the finish of a race. It is milling with engrossed spectators and there
is the customary crescendo accompanying the end of the race. A few
desperate punters nearby slink sadly away as ROBERTA lowers binoculars
from her face and turns to look at BRIAN who is tearing up a betting
slip.
ROBERTA
(smugly)
I told you.
BRIAN
Alright, alright. So where are all these dodgy guys waiting to sell us
a gun?
ROBERTA
Just look for young, flash guys wearing black pants and black shoes
with white socks.
CUT TO:
95 EXT STREET DAY
ROBERTA and BRIAN are walking down the street back in the city. In the
background, on a wall we can see a sign, which tells us that there now
only thirty-seven days to go. ROBERTA, as ever, has a very confident,
sophisticated look about her, BRIAN looks rather less so.
BRIAN
Roberta, we'll never get a gun. We haven't got a clue.
ROBERTA
Speak for yourself. Look, we can go into a dodgy pub and ask someone
who looks about right, I mean let's face it we're in the right city.
CUT TO:
96 INT PUB NIGHT
ROBERTA and BRIAN are in a seedy pub. They are the only people there
without a criminal record. The clientele are a rather frightening-
looking bunch. Most sit alone, staring vacantly, menacingly into space.
Two drunk, wild-eyed men sit opposite each other at an adjacent table
taking turns to slap each other across the face. The decor is in
distinct contrast with that which we have seen up to now, basic to say
the least. BRIAN is sitting down looking warily around the pub, he is
not at home here. ROBERTA is talking to a sullen barman. She finishes
talking and joins BRIAN.
ROBERTA
Okay, we wait here for half an hour.
BRIAN
Yeah and then someone drags us outside at gunpoint and dismembers us.
ROBERTA
Relax, Brian it's a public place, there wouldn't be much to gain from
killing us.
BRIAN
I don't want a gun, I'm not going to shoot anyone.
ROBERTA
Well you probably won't have to. I just think it's safer.
BRIAN raises his eyebrows. He's a little out of ROBERTA's league and is
obviously aware of it.
CUT TO:
Same scene half an hour later. A young MAN walks into the pub. He has a
shifty look and is wearing the obligatory black trousers and shoes with
white socks.
ROBERTA
Here's our boy.
He comes over to their table and sits down.
MAN
You Bonny and Clyde?
BRIAN
No, I'm...
MAN
I don't want to know your names. You have the money?
ROBERTA
Uh huh.
MAN
Let's see.
ROBERTA reveals a roll of thousand dollar notes. The young MAN nods and
brings out a paper bag, which DELIA inspects.
BRIAN
Wait a minute, how do we know that it's real?
MAN
You get a six month money back guarantee.
BRIAN
That's very reasonable.
They do the exchange and the young MAN walks away. ROBERTA gives the
gun to BRIAN and they walk out.
CUT TO:
97 INT FLAT NIGHT
BRIAN is alone in his flat. He is standing in the living room doing
Clint Eastwood impersonations. After a moment or two he tries to throw
the gun in the air and catch it again. He drops it and it falls to the
floor, going off and shooting the television.
CUT TO:
98 INT BAR NIGHT
The TWO ASSASSINS are sitting in a trendy bar in the West End. There
are thirty days to go according to a sign behind the bar. It is busy
and noisy. They are sitting at a table facing each other. They are
staring at each other with some intensity.
1ST ASSASSIN
(very deliberately)
'I'm just a girl who can't say no.' was from Oklahoma.
2ND ASSASSIN
Well I thought it was from Annie Get Your Gun.
1ST ASSASSIN
Well you were wrong.
2ND ASSASSIN
(after a moment's thought)
Do you like killing people?
1ST ASSASSIN
Do I like killing people? What kind of a question is that?
2ND ASSASSIN
I think I like it. I wonder if I'm a psychopath.
There is a slight pause as 1ST ASSASSIN looks at 2ND ASSASSIN in a way
that suggests he doesn't have a very high opinion of him.
1ST ASSASSIN
I think we should talk to one of the accountants.
2ND ASSASSIN
Yeah, I guess so. Whoever they are they're keeping pretty quiet.
CUT TO:
On the other side of the pub MACINTYRE and CREAMY are dancing on top of
the bar to much cheering and whooping by the rest of the clientele.
CUT TO:
99 EXT ROOFTOP DAY
MIKE, DELIA and MACINTYRE are on the roof of DELIA's apartment block
somewhere in London.
MIKE
So what did he say exactly?
DELIA
Only that he knows about Smiley, for all I know he's got photographs of
us dumping her in the river.
MIKE
Oh my God.
DELIA
And he wants the number from the pastrami kid, I think that's you.
Indicating MIKE.
MIKE
It could be him.
He indicates MACINTYRE who is eating a sandwich. As they speak the door
to the roof opens and out step BRIAN and ROBERTA.
MIKE
Roberta?
ROBERTA
Mike?
DELIA
Roberta?
ROBERTA
(obviously relishing this new turn of events)
Mike and I are old friends, aren't we Mike?
MIKE
(with amazement)
What... what on earth are you doing here?
ROBERTA
The guy I was screwing was Nigel, the rest you can probably work out
for yourself. What are you doing here?
BRIAN
He's the sandwich man.
ROBERTA
(smugly)
Well, well. You've certainly come up in the world.
MIKE
You were screwing Nigel?
MACINTYRE
You didn't screw him to death, did you?
ROBERTA
Actually no, although I wish I had.
MACINTYRE
You used to sleep with this woman? I can't believe this.
ROBERTA
Neither can I lard boy but we all make mistakes, I suppose. At least I
can say no to a Mars Bar.
MACINTYRE
I strongly protest, I may have an ample girth...
DELIA
Alright, alright we all know why we're here. What do you want, Brian?
BRIAN
The number.
MACINTYRE
What number?
ROBERTA
Oh, come on. Hand over the number or we go to the police and tell them
about the dead girl in the wardrobe.
MIKE
She isn't there anymore.
ROBERTA
What does that matter? The forensics find one strand of hair or one
speck of blood and you're in deep trouble and her body will turn up
sooner or later as well you know. And I don't care if you have the
number or not. If I don't get it I go to the police.
DELIA
Alright, alright we have the number but you can't use it.
BRIAN
We know. But we want it anyway, just in case.
DELIA
Okay, you can have the number but we all have to agree on a day for
leaving the country. You make your own arrangements, we go our separate
ways, all we do is use the number at the same time.
ROBERTA
(uncompromisingly)
The number.
DELIA
(scribbling a number down on a piece of paper and handing it to
her)
This could be anything, you know that don't you?
ROBERTA
If it's not real and you pull a fast one on us, we go to the police. Or
maybe we'll just take matters into our own hands. (with an air of
menace that is only half way to being a joke) We know where you live.
MACINTYRE
We could say the same thing to you, you know that don't you?
ROBERTA
Nobody found a dead girl in my wardrobe.(pause) I'm better at this than
you are, a theory that you test at your peril.
CUT TO:
100 EXT STREET DAY
The TWO ASSASSINS are standing outside the building where BRIAN works.
People are leaving the building in a steady stream, it is 5 o'clock. A
sign at the front of the building informs us that there are twenty-six
days to go.
2ND ASSASSIN
What if it is him and he just doesn't tell us?
1ST ASSASSIN
Killing the receptionist might've been a mistake, thinking about it. We
let him know we're around, whoever he is but he's still got to be
scared, I would be. Here we go. The guy who just came out with the
white shirt and the red tie.
A man looking like BRIAN is leaving the building. The ASSASSINS follow
him discreetly. He walks across the street and heads up an alley. His
pursuers hurry after him, catching up with him and bundling him up
another alley running off the first one. It is deserted and dark. They
push the man up against the wall. We finally see that it is not BRIAN.
1ST ASSASSIN
Okay you know why you're here?
MAN
(handing over his wallet)
Here, I've nothing else, take it, please don't shoot me.
2ND ASSASSIN
The number.
MAN
What?
2ND ASSASSIN
(placing a gun in his mouth)
The number, you know what we mean. Hand over any copies or discs,
anywhere you have it written down and tell us who else knows about it
and you can walk.
MAN
(becoming increasingly desperate)
I don't know what you're talking about, what number?
1ST ASSASSIN
Okay, we know about the phone calls from the states, we know you have
the number, just do the sensible thing and you live, otherwise this bad
man will have to shoot your head.
MAN
(crying with fear)
I don't know what you mean, I don't know anything about any number.
1ST ASSASSIN
Right shoot his head.
MAN
I don't what you mean, please don't, please...
2ND ASSASSIN
(shooting his leg)
Did you say leg or head?
The man falls to the ground and cries out in pain. The 1ST ASSASSIN
leans down and grabs him by the hair.
1ST ASSASSIN
Now, I'm not going to ask again, tell us what we want to know and you
can limp away. The number.
MAN
(weeping hysterically)
I don't know what you mean. I don't know what you mean.
1ST ASSASSIN
If I were to say to you the words, 'We are your future' what would that
mean to you?
MAN
I don't know, I don't know.
1ST ASSASSIN
Sure you do.
MAN
(his voice rising almost to a scream)
I don't know, Microtech 19, that's what they say, 'we are your future'.
I don't know what you're talking about.
1ST ASSASSIN
Sure you do.
1ST ASSASSIN holds the gun to his temple.
MAN
(crying)
I'm an accountant, I don't work for Microtech 19, please, please God, I
don't know what you're talking about.
2ND ASSASSIN
(surveying their handiwork)
He's telling the truth.
1ST ASSASSIN
Alright, listen, we want to know which of your colleagues has friends
in New York or has at least been getting regular calls from New York.
MAN
(stuttering, talking quickly and fearfully)
Our head office is in New York, almost everyone in the company gets
calls like that, over half of them are American and most of those have
come from New York. I... I... really can't... I don't...(tailing off)
1ST ASSASSIN
(interrupting)
Okay you can go. (smiling benignly) And remember, 'we are your future'.
The man gets up and limps past them.
And now you are our past.
As he speaks 2ND ASSASSIN shoots the MAN in the back of the head.
2ND ASSASSIN
I wanted to say that. Why don't I get to say, 'We are your future and
you are our past'.
1ST ASSASSIN
Because you're a numbskull.
2ND ASSASSIN
(pointing the gun at 1ST ASSASSIN)
I want to say 'We are your future' I'm fed up with this, you get to say
all the cool stuff.
1ST ASSASSIN
So what? You're going to shoot me?
2ND ASSASSIN
(relenting a little)
I want to shoot another accountant, and this time I get to say the cool
stuff.
1ST ASSASSIN
(sighing)
If we must.
2ND ASSASSIN
(practising)
'We are your future...' (pause) what was it again?
CUT TO:
101 INT FLAT NIGHT
MIKE, DELIA, MACINTYRE and CREAMY sit in MIKE and MACINTYRE's flat
watching TV.
CUT TO:
The TV. The news is on, JUICY, the presenter is talking to a link with
BAMBI.
JUICY
And we have a report on that now from Bambi West.
CUT TO:
BAMBI
Here in London's West End in the alleyway just behind me, another two
employees of Montague Robinson and Baird were brutally murdered at just
after 5 o'clock this evening. The police have not yet said if there is
a link between these killings and the murder of the receptionist,
Esmerelda Broadhurst, a few weeks ago but it seems likely that there
is. The men, both aged thirty-five, whose names have not yet been
released, are believed to have been accountants with the same firm.
They were shot at point blank range in another apparently motiveless
attack.
CUT
TO:
JUICY
Bambi, is there anything else you can tell us, it all seems to be very
mysterious?
CUT TO:
BAMBI
Not much, I'm afraid, Juicy, one victim was shot twice, in the leg and,
fatally, in the head. The other, once in the head. Robbery, we're told,
wasn't the motive and that's as much as I can tell you. People are
speculating about ex-employees, organised crime links and so on but the
truth is, quite simply, that no one knows why this is happening.
Clearly we're just going to have to wait for further developments.
CUT TO:
The assembled company staring stony-faced into the
camera, apparently still watching TV. DELIA uses the remote control to
turn off the sound.
DELIA
Well, there we are. The net is closing.
MACINTYRE
I don't think so. This is actually quite good news when you really...
MIKE
(the only one who seems to be upset about the deaths, a fact that is
increasingly exasperating to him)
Good news! You've got to be joking. You're actually getting used to
this. My God...
DELIA
No, Mike, Mac's right, thinking about it if they had any idea who Brian
was they'd have caught him and probably us by now and what's more they
can't just keep killing people.
CREAMY
We must do it soon, I think, maybe they will just keep killing people.
MACINTYRE
Alright. We can't afford not to let them know about the number. I
assume you gave her a false number on the roof.
DELIA
Of course.
MACINTYRE
If only bloody Smiley hadn't killed herself.
MIKE
Some people are very selfish.
CREAMY
But she was a student, surely it's okay if they find a bit of her.
MACINTYRE
Mm, the problem is not that she was here, we can explain that away, the
problem is that we don't want to be anywhere near the police right now
and they might well find a trace of her blood, in which case we really
are in the shit.
MIKE
Fair enough I suppose, so what's next? Go along with them?
DELIA
I don't think we've got much choice.
CREAMY
We should burn all the furniture.
MACINTYRE
What for? Luck? Is this another one of your Chinese things, Creamy?
CREAMY
No, stupid. Get rid of the blood.
DELIA
Creamy's right. This is a pain in the arse but we can help ourselves a
bit by scrubbing the place down and burning all the furniture that she
touched. Remember, Roberta and Brian didn't know she was a student. It
could be useful to let them think they've got something on us.
MIKE
(sighing, with head in hands)
That still leaves the small problem of the killers.
CUT TO:
102 EXT BOAT DAY
The two ASSASSINS are on a boat heading up the Thames . They stand at
the back looking at the image of central London receding into the
background. A man stands beside them reading the London Evening
Standard. A headline reads, 'Fifteen days to go - what does the next
millennium hold for London?
1ST ASSASSIN
Well I don't think we should kill anyone else for now. I'll phone back
and suggest we sit tight for a few weeks and wait until someone uses
the number.
2ND ASSASSIN
And if they don't?
1ST ASSASSIN
I suppose we'll just have to assume that we got him. In a few months no
one'll be able to use it anyway. In the meantime I think we should
enjoy ourselves. It's going to be a hell of a party. (looking round and
smiling at some young female backpackers standing a few feet away)
2ND ASSASSIN
What is?
CUT TO:
103 EXT ROOF DAY
CREAMY and MACINTYRE are on the roof of MIKE and MACINTYRE's apartment
building, stoking a small fire. MIKE and DELIA appear with armfuls of
broken furniture, which they dump beside the fire.
MACINTYRE
Not too much now we don't want the neighbours phoning the fire brigade.
MIKE
It's kind of sad in a way, like a funeral pyre.
MACINTYRE
We should have a barbecue. Creamy, run down to the shops and buy some
bacon and sausages.
CREAMY
Okay.
MACINTYRE hands her some notes and she skips off.
DELIA
What is she? Your slave?
MACINTYRE
(nodding)
Mm. When we're alone I make her lick my shoes and bark like a dog.
MACINTYRE barks in order to emphasise his point.
MIKE
(looking at DELIA)
You still think I should be more like him.
CUT TO:
Same scene after dark. The fire is still going with only a few bits of
wood now left. They all sit around staring into the flames. CREAMY is
burning fake money. The others are drinking cans of beer.
MACINTYRE
What are you doing now my little eclair. It's a bit premature to be
burning money.
CREAMY
Burning ghost money for dead people.
MACINTYRE
Whatever shaves your peach.
MIKE
I hope someone isn't doing it for us in a week or so.
DELIA
(becoming annoyed)
Stop it, Mike. Stop it. (pause) Or go if you want to. I don't care
anymore. Just shut up or leave.
MIKE
(angrily)
Why do you keep telling me to shut up? Why shouldn't I be upset? A
couple of months ago I was a normal human being with a normal life.
Today I'm burning things so that I won't convicted of murder and next
week I'm going to steal millions of dollars. I feel sick.
MACINTYRE
(calmly)
In a few weeks time we could be on a plane heading for the place of our
heart's desire. You didn't seriously think there wouldn't be some sort
of price to pay. 'I am a millionaire, that is my religion'.
MIKE
Howard Hughes?
MACINTYRE
Shaw.
DELIA
We got lucky, that's all. We can either take advantage of it or forget
about it and regret it for the rest of our lives.
MIKE
We might very well regret it anyway.
DELIA
(becoming angry)
Why can't you just accept it, God Almighty, must we have this bloody
moral dilemma episode every time something happens. We're in it now,
like it or not. (raising her voice to a shout) So you might just as
bloody well get on with it.
DELIA storms off leaving an embarrassing pause in the proceedings.
CREAMY
I'm going back in. MacIntyre, you will come.
MACINTYRE
In a moment, my little meringue.
CREAMY leaves the roof and MACINTYRE opens a can of beer and walks over
to the edge of the roof, leaving MIKE on his own staring into the
fire.
CUT TO:
Same scene a little later. DELIA reappears. She has obviously calmed
down a bit.
DELIA
Do you still love me?
MIKE
What's not to love?
DELIA
You tell me. You're the one having an attack of morality.
MIKE
I do love you Delia, I loved you from the moment you first accosted me.
I suppose I'm worried because I'm not in control. That's the thing
about committing a crime. You lose control of your life. You're at the
mercy of the police, of your conscience, of anyone else who knows about
it and in so doing you introduce elements of risk to a perceptibly
perfect formula and you send it into chaos. I mean, we do things in
life essentially to protect ourselves from harm and we know that one
way or another we're unlikely to have anything spectacularly bad happen
to us, as long we live our lives within certain parameters. Our lives
may not be spectacularly good either but basically we're safe. Most
normal people don't have to make the choices we've, I've, made
recently. (pause) But then again we might get away with it, there's the
seduction.
DELIA
(happily)
I wouldn't want to do this without you. (pause) I don't want to lose
you, not now. We could be happy together. We really could.
MIKE
(becoming less serious)
And would you die without me?
DELIA
Absolutely. I would die in a flood of my own tears. Would you die
without me?
MIKE
I would fade away to nothing. All that would be left of me would be my
hat.
DELIA
They would bury it. Here lies Mike's hat. It was all that was left of
him. (pause) I'm going in. Don't be too long, I've given the servants
the night off.
She kisses him and goes inside. MIKE lifts his can of beer and joins
MACINTYRE at the side of the roof.
CUT TO:
The city lights glittering in the night. Again we are reminded of
London's seductive promise. There is a feeling that this is the lull
before the storm, that things are soon going to come to a head. We pan
around the city for a second and then down onto the street below them
where an old beggar is raking through a dustbin.
MIKE
So what do you think of all this?
MACINTYRE
All this... moral corruption?
MIKE
Yeah, well, that and the deaths.
MACINTYRE
Well I think the deaths would probably have happened anyway so that
doesn't really bother me. The stealing of the money, well, I get the
impression that this code number, password, whatever it turns out to
be, is highly illegal anyway otherwise why are all these people being
shot rather than arrested? I don't know, we could talk about it 'til
the cows come home and never really come to a conclusion. I'll never be
a movie star, Mike, or a business tycoon or a great footballer. This is
my one chance to have all the things I wanted and I know I'll regret it
if I don't take the chance. Morals are for the middle classes, the
comfortable, the rich, not for people like me, not for worn out ex-pats
living in the tropics trying to convince themselves that they're living
the good life when really they're struggling to get by and don't even
know where they'll be in six months time let alone what they'll be
doing. There isn't much now that I wouldn't do for the right price.
MIKE
Yeah, I guess...(pausing)
MACINTYRE
(indicating the old beggar, who is still raking through a
dustbin)
In a few years time I could be him or I could be rich. I know which
prospect is the more attractive. When we go to our graves, hopefully a
long time from now, this'll be one episode in a long life, maybe even a
relatively insignificant one. There are no rules regarding morality,
Mike, it's just a question of perspective.
MIKE
It's greed though, at the end of the day, surely? That scene down there
is not the product of poverty, it's the product of wealth. There's
enough food out there to feed us all comfortably. It's just that, well,
nobody ever dreamed of being poor, you know what I mean? Do I really
want this money so badly that I'll steal? I'm even not sure who I am
anymore, you know?
MACINTYRE
To be honest this only makes me all the more painfully aware of who I
am.
MIKE
Who are the bad guys though, I mean, who are they really? There's no
conflict here, no perceptible enemy, I feel like I'm still basically a
decent human being and therefore I must be one of the good guys but, of
course, I'm stealing so maybe, maybe I'm the bad guy, maybe I should
get caught, killed, whatever.
MACINTYRE
You're the historian. You know fine well that it's rarely just as
simple as good guys and bad guys. And who's doing all the killing? Not
me. They created this thing. Not us. We found out about it, sure, but
we're aren't doing anything terribly wrong. Think of it this way, we
found a lot of stolen money and we're keeping it. That's about it.
MIKE
Maybe we're all the bad guys. Us and the killers.
MACINTYRE
(pausing for a second)
Sooner or later, Mike, we all have to think of ourselves. It's all we
can do. At the end of the day we're all individuals trying to live our
lives in the most comfortable way we can. It's all we can do. 'There is
a tide in the affairs of men which taken at the flood leads on to
fortune.'
CUT TO:
CLOSE-UP OF MIKE
MIKE
(pensively)
Mm. I can't help thinking we'll never get away with it. Not without
paying for it, somehow.
CUT TO:
104 INT OFFICE DAY
BRIAN is in the office walking along a corridor. He spots a beggar,
looking completely incongruous in this environment, taking a drink from
a water dispenser. He lifts a newspaper from a desk and hits the beggar
firmly over the head with it as he passes, telling him to 'clear off'.
He enters a private office where we find MONTAGUE sitting behind a
desk.
MONTAGUE
Yes, Brian.
BRIAN
I'd like to hand in my notice, sir.
MONTAGUE
Alright. (pause) Was that all?
BRIAN
Yes, sir. I'd like to keep it between ourselves if that's okay.
MONTAGUE
Fine.
BRIAN
Fine. I'll just go then.
BRIAN awkwardly leaves the room, goes back up the corridor and back to
his desk. As he is sitting staring into space a mango sails through the
air and hits him on the head. It has come from the direction of the
VOICE's cubicle.
BRIAN
Why did you do that?
VOICE
It just slipped out of my hand.
BRIAN
I hate you.
CUT TO:
105 INT FLAT DAY
MIKE, DELIA, MACINTYRE, CREAMY, BRIAN and ROBERTA sit in DELIA's flat.
ROBERTA
So when do we go? I suggest about two weeks. Brian's handed in his
notice. He leaves at the end of next week but I think we should leave
it a few days after that before we go. Can I take it none of you have
jobs where you have to give notice?
DELIA
Only me and I've made similar plans.
MACINTYRE
Okay then two weeks today, if it works.
ROBERTA
Oh, it'll work, it was the one thing Nigel was sure of. And he got his
head blown off just to prove the point.
CUT TO:
106 EXT STREET NIGHT
The TWO ASSASSINS are walking through Soho. It is very busy, obviously
a weekend. People try to entice them into go-go dancing bars,
'beautiful girls, sexy girls, have a good time' 'only ten pounds a
drink, speak to beautiful girls'. A down and out approaches with cupped
hands, he has only one leg, one of them pushes him away as they stride
purposefully on. Eventually they come to a 'normal' bar and go in. It
is again very busy. We cut to a scene of them standing against a pillar
with their drinks in their hands. A woman tries to get past them but
spills a drink over ASSASSIN ONE. The girl is JENNIFER from the hostel.
She is a little drunk.
JENNIFER
I'm terribly sorry, you wouldn't believe it but I'm a barmaid when I'm
at work.
1ST ASSASSIN
Talk about irony.
JENNIFER
Well there's no need to be like that, you look like an off-duty
policeman. Is that what you are? Are you an off-duty policeman?
1ST ASSASSIN
Something like that. Actually I'm a florist and so is my friend here.
JENNIFER
Oh you are not, I think you're a dog-handler. You're not a florist at
any rate.
2ND ASSASSIN
How do you know we're not florists?
JENNIFER
Because you don't have green fingers.
1ST ASSASSIN
So, you know this town pretty well?
JENNIFER
You could say that, what did you have in mind?
1ST ASSASSIN
We were looking for a club, you know the kind of thing, where my friend
here can pick up a girl.
JENNIFER
What about you? Don't you pick up girls?
1ST ASSASSIN
I thought I picked up you.
JENNIFER
So you did and I didn't even notice, you florists are very clever.
CUT TO:
107 EXT STREET NIGHT
The TWO ASSASSINS and JENNIFER are walking down a busy street, the
scene and atmosphere are very much as at the beginning of the last
scene. JENNIFER is of a happy, dancing disposition, the TWO ASSASSINS
rather taciturn.
2ND ASSASSIN
So where are we going?
JENNIFER
I thought you might like to go to a club. It's just up here a bit. We
could take the tube but it's only one stop and it's nice to walk. Don't
you think it's nice to walk?
2ND ASSASSIN
(glumly)
Yeah, it's nice to walk.
CUT TO:
108 INT NIGHTCLUB NIGHT
The nightclub is dark, noisy and vibrant. It is very busy with a wild
almost primitive atmosphere. The 1ST ASSASSIN and JENNIFER are dancing
in a way that would seem to suggest they are going to have sex fairly
soon. The 2ND ASSASSIN is looking on rather unhappily.
CUT TO:
109 INT HOTEL BEDROOM NIGHT
JENNIFER and 1ST ASSASSIN are in bed in a well-appointed hotel bedroom.
It is dark, the room is lit only by the light that breaks in from the
street. They are covered in sweat and smoking cigarettes.
JENNIFER
That was pretty good for a florist.
1ST ASSASSIN
It's a very sexy job. We have to pollinate, cross-pollinate.
She reaches over him to put out her cigarette and starts to run her
hands up and down his body. He pushes her on to her back and they begin
round two. There is obviously no love between them and the scene is a
logical extension of the nightclub encounter. There is something brutal
and animalistic about it, a direct contrast to MIKE and DELIA's loving
embraces.
CUT TO:
Same scene a little later. JENNIFER is sitting looking out of the hotel
window, smoking another cigarette. The room is dark as she looks out
onto the street below, still buzzing with life. A neon sign says, 'five
days to go'. 1ST ASSASSIN is in bed smoking.
JENNIFER
You know I sometimes used to come in here and use the telephones.
1ST ASSASSIN
What d'you mean, use the telephones.
JENNIFER
I had a friend who was a chamber maid and we used to sneak into the
guest's rooms and make overseas calls.
1ST ASSASSIN
Why don't you just make them from home, I'd have thought it was pretty
easy to get caught doing it like that?
JENNIFER
I'm a waitress, not a florist, we can't afford these luxuries, unless
there's a magic number.
1ST ASSASSIN
What's a magic number?
JENNIFER
It's a number you can prefix to a telephone call and get it for free.
The consensus is that it's someone's credit card number.
1ST ASSASSIN
You get many of these, do you?
JENNIFER
No, not lately, the last one I heard about was a couple of months ago
although come to think of it I did hear MacIntyre going on about a
magic number to that mate of his just after they left.
1ST ASSASSIN
MacIntyre? Explain, you're losing me here.
JENNIFER
The great Cavendish MacIntyre otherwise known as the Highland Thing.
They were talking all secretive in the bar where I work one day, and
they were going on about a magic number but I didn't get the chance to
talk to them and I haven't seen either of them since. I was quite
annoyed, it's an unwritten law, you always pass on a magic number if
you get one.
1ST ASSASSIN
Who was the other one?
JENNIFER
Martin? No. Michael, Mike, that was it. He was doing a PhD in history
up at London University. He was a nice guy, I quite fancied him.
1ST ASSASSIN
Are you sure about this?
JENNIFER
Yeah, why are you so interested?
1ST ASSASSIN
I'm not, I was pretending to make you feel better. But I'm grateful for
the chance to hear about your life, it has a strangely calming effect
on me.
JENNIFER reaches into 1ST ASSASSIN's jacket which is slung over a chair
next to her. She finds his wallet, opens it and finds something of
apparent interest.
JENNIFER
So, you work for Microtech 19, (mockingly) 'We are your future'.
1ST ASSASSIN walks round behind her and after gently caressing her
shoulders he violently twists her neck. There is a sickening crack
before she falls, lifeless, to the floor.
1ST ASSASSIN
(sighing)
We're the forces of darkness is what we are.
CUT TO:
110 INT MTR DAY
BRIAN, ROBERTA, DELIA, CREAMY ,MACINTYRE and MIKE are on the tube
heading for London University. They are the only ones in the carriage.
There is a nervous excitement in the air, they talk a little faster
than normal, are a little fidgety. BRIAN keeps getting up and sitting
down again as he is speaking. MIKE is already standing, the rest sit.
BRIAN
Why do we have to go up here?
DELIA
Because the university computers are used by a zillion different people
and it'll be impossible to trace us.
BRIAN
I don't see why I had to come.
DELIA
You have a point there.
ROBERTA
Creamy, are you sure about this?
CREAMY
Sure, already can get into the bank computer. Only now need to hope the
number works.
MIKE
Why couldn't we have used the Internet?
MACINTYRE
Well, apparently it's difficult to get in that way because of the
bank's security systems. We need to be able to have some direct contact
with the bank's software because that's how the number works. If we
didn't do it that way it would be like dialling a telephone number in
the US without using the international code. See?
MIKE
No.
MACINTYRE
Think of the bank as another country, and the account as a house in
that country, then imagine the magic number to be the keys to the
house. Before we can get into the house we have to be in the right
country, understand?
MIKE
Not really.
MACINTYRE
Good. So before we enter the house we enter the country and that's why
we need Creamy. She can get us into the bank's computer system but only
so far. After that the number allows us to access the bank's files.
CUT TO:
111 INT UNIVERSITY DAY
MIKE, MACINTYRE, DELIA, ROBERTA, BRIAN and CREAMY are in a classroom
full of computers. They are alone, all sitting around a computer
terminal watching CREAMY with breathless anticipation.
CREAMY
Bingo. Now we have £10,000,000. Enough?
MACINTYRE
Maybe we should take more just to be on the safe side.
CUT TO:
112 INT UNIVERSITY DAY
The TWO ASSASSINS are striding purposefully down a corridor in the
university, evidently the two parties are unaware that they are in the
same building. There is dramatic music in the background, suggestive of
the impending confrontation.
CUT TO:
113 INT UNIVERSITY DAY
Assembled company still at the computer.
MIKE
The safe side of what?
BRIAN
Something for a rainy day.
MIKE
We have roughly a million and a half sterling each, we agreed that
would be it.
ROBERTA
We don't get another chance, let's go for three million each.
CUT TO:
114 INT UNIVERSITY DAY
The TWO ASSASSINS are stalking the corridors. Their intimidating
appearance is somehow incongruous in the university context. The music
continues as before.
CUT TO:
115 INT UNIVERSITY DAY
Back at the computer.
DELIA
What the hell let's be stinking rich, I didn't think it would be this
easy.
CUT TO:
116 INT UNIVERSITY DAY
The TWO ASSASSINS knock on an office door. It is opened by SAM.
SAM
Yes?
1ST ASSASSIN
We're looking for Mike, he's on the PhD programme, history. Is he
around?
SAM
I think he is actually, I saw him earlier, he was going down to use a
word processor. Down in the computing department, not sure why he went
all the way down there, we don't live in the past up here, well, not in
every respect.
He laughs, expecting them to laugh also, which they don't.
2ND ASSASSIN
Thanks.
CUT TO:
117 INT UNIVERSITY DAY
Back at the computer room the assembled company are gazing intently
into the screen as manipulated by CREAMY. There is a communal gasp as
their end is achieved.
CUT TO:
118 INT UNIVERSITY DAY
The TWO ASSASSINS are walking down a corridor.
2ND ASSASSIN
I wanted to kill him.
1ST ASSASSIN
(understandingly)
I know.
CUT TO:
119 INT UNIVERSITY DAY
CREAMY, MACINTYRE, MIKE, DELIA, BRIAN and ROBERTA are walking up the
corridor leading to the foyer. They are in high spirits. The TWO
ASSASSINS are sitting in the foyer reading newspapers. They don't move
as our heroes walk past but appear to be aware of who they are. The
signs says, 'three days to go'.
CREAMY
I am very exciting.
They leave the building followed discreetly by the ASSASSINS.
ROBERTA
We'll wait at my hotel.
DELIA
Why your hotel?
ROBERTA
Because I don't trust you people.
MACINTYRE
Us people just made you close to three million pounds.
ROBERTA
Whatever.
CUT TO:
120 EXT UNDERGROUND STATION DAY
Tsim
They all get off the tube and we see them going up the escalator, the
ASSASSINS still following at a discreet distance.
CUT TO:
121 INT HOTEL ROOM DAY
They all file into a hotel room. It is not quite so sumptuous as that
of 1ST ASSASSIN, but not dingy in any way.
MIKE
Okay, does anyone have sunglasses.
ROBERTA
Hey, Moriarty. Here. (throws him a pair of sunglasses). And wear this.
(throws him a hat). Not that I think a disguise is really necessary but
if you insist on doing your James Bond...
MIKE
You're not the one about to steal £20,000,000. Right I'm going.
ROBERTA
Brian, go with him.
BRIAN follows obediently.
CUT TO:
122 INT HOTEL LOBBY DAY
MIKE and BRIAN are waiting for the lift. It arrives and as they step in
the TWO ASSASSINS step out of another lift. They have not seen MIKE and
BRIAN and go to ROBERTA's door and knock. From inside a female voice
shouts, 'who is it?' to which there is the reply, 'the cleaner'.
ROBERTA opens the door and they burst in brandishing guns. 2ND ASSASSIN
grabs her by the hair and forces her into the room pushing her to
ground.
CUT TO:
Same scene a little later. All sit except the TWO ASSASSINS who stand
over them with guns. They all look frightened apart from ROBERTA who
just looks furious.
1ST ASSASSIN
Alright nobody move, you all know why we're here. I want to know who
knows about this code number who's got the number, who's used it,
anywhere it might be written down. And no bullshit or he'll (indicating
2ND ASSASSIN) start shooting people. And he likes doing it.
2ND ASSASSIN
(helpfully)
I'm a psychopath.
1ST ASSASSIN
So who's going to start me off.
CUT
TO:
Same scene a little later.
1ST ASSASSIN
So where are these guys now?
ROBERTA
We're meeting them tonight at the Savoy hotel.
1ST ASSASSIN
Tonight?
CUT TO:
123 INT BANK DAY
MIKE is sitting in a reception area in a bank. A BANK OFFICIAL appears.
MIKE is a far cry from the painfully shy, innocent man who first got
off the plane. He has, despite his misgivings, become a professional
criminal and acts like one.
BANK OFFICIAL
Would you like to come through to my office Mr Smith?
MIKE follows him through to an office where they both sit at a desk
facing each other.
BANK OFFICIAL
US dollars, Mr Smith?
MIKE
Yes. That's correct.
A teller brings in a briefcase and starts to count out money. MIKE
watches in silence.
CUT TO:
124 EXT STREET DAY
MIKE, now with suitcase, meets BRIAN on the street. They walk off into
the crowd.
CUT TO:
125 INT BUS DAY
MIKE and BRIAN are sitting at the front of the top deck of a bus. They
look at each other and begin to smile.
BRIAN
(looking very pleased with himself)
We just stole twenty million quid.
CUT TO:
126 EXT STREET DAY
We view the bus heading towards the camera. MIKE and BRIAN are leaning
out of the window at the front shouting and cheering hysterically.
CUT TO:
127 INT HOTEL ROOM DAY
The others are still being held at gunpoint by the ASSASSINS. There is
a knock at the door.
1ST ASSASSIN
Who's that?
ROBERTA
(sarcastically)
Maybe it's the cleaner.
2ND ASSASSIN
(to MACINTYRE)
You. Answer the door.
MACINTYRE gets up and goes to answer the door. The 2ND ASSASSIN follows
behind him. MACINTYRE opens the door, as he is doing so all hell breaks
loose as ROBERTA reaches into her bag, takes out the gun and shoots the
1ST ASSASSIN. The 2ND ASSASSIN rushes back in using BRIAN as a shield,
MIKE and MACINTYRE are also in front of him, a little to the side.
2ND ASSASSIN
(screaming)
Put the gun down or they die.
ROBERTA immediately fires the gun at him but shoots BRIAN, killing him
instantly. 2ND ASSASSIN shoots her directly between the eyes as
MACINTYRE jumps on him. The gun falls to the floor where it is picked
up by DELIA. The 2ND ASSASSIN struggles free as she is picking it up.
She shoots him before he can get to her. Suddenly there is silence.
Four people are lying dead on the carpet.
MACINTYRE
(relieved, maybe even happy)
Well that worked out rather nicely.
MIKE
(finally sickened completely)
Nicely! Nicely! There are four dead bodies on the carpet, one of them
killed by us.
DELIA
I had to do it Mike.
MIKE
No, Delia, you didn't have to do it. You did it for this (pointing at
the money), well here you are, you've earned it. You've killed for it.
So now you can keep it, all of it.
MIKE walks out in disgust.
CUT TO:
128 EXT STREET NIGHT
It is New Year in Trafalgar Square, counting down from ten seconds. The
huge, assembled crowd chant out the countdown. As they reach zero there
is a fantastic cheer. Fireworks go off in the night sky.
CUT TO:
129 INT OFFICE NIGHT
The BOSS is sitting behind the desk in his office talking on the
telephone.
BOSS
...Mm, well you know what to do, it hasn't been used again? (pause)
Good. It's no use as from next week anyway. (pause) No, no compromise,
you my friend have sold your soul, you belong to me, you no longer have
any choices. (pause) Except, of course to choose which one of them
joins us and becomes your partner. It has a pleasant symmetry, don't
you think?
He puts the phone down and presses an intercom button.
BOSS
Barbara?
BARBARA
(through the intercom)
Yes, sir?
BOSS
There's a woman in Belgium who juggles live fish, what d'you think of
that?
BARBARA
I don't think it's a very good idea, sir.
BOSS
Mm, well, anyway, I want you to get me a yo-yo, a pogo-stick, one of
those blow-up sex dolls, a large cream cake and a pair of roller-
skates.
BARBARA
This isn't another one of these end of the world things, is it, sir?
BOSS
Best to be on the safe side, Barbara.
BARBARA
Right ho, sir.
CUT TO:
130 EXT STREET NIGHT
There are more shots of the celebrations. People are cheering, raising
glasses, kissing strangers, dancing. The fireworks are lighting up the
sky. We focus on these and then the throngs of people, one of whom, a
down and out, is raking through a dustbin. The scene fades very slowly
into the next.
CUT TO:
131 EXT VERANDAH NIGHT
We see two people on a brightly lit verandah outside what appears to be
a sizeable French chateau. It is a bright moonlit night, we view them
in soft focus accentuating the 'happy ever after' motif. We close in
slowly to see that it is DELIA and MIKE. As we are closing in they lean
in towards each other and kiss. MIKE is wearing a hat.
DELIA
Glad you changed your mind?
MIKE
I guess so.
DELIA
They would've killed us.
MIKE
I know.
DELIA
I love your hat.
MIKE
I love your hat.
DELIA
I'm sorry I missed the party.
CUT TO:
132 EXT STREET NIGHT
The street party continues apace back in London. Firecrackers go off.
The sign reads 'zero days to go!'
CUT TO:
133 EXT CHATEAU NIGHT
DELIA
I'm not wearing...
As she is saying the last line the camera begins to pull back slowly. A
shot rings out as she is speaking, which at first we confuse with the
firecrackers but she falls back onto the ground. She is dead. MIKE
looks around not quite taking it in then leans over her body
desperately saying her name over and over again. As this is happening
we pull back still further to reveal two men, one with a gun aimed in
the direction of MIKE, the other standing by. The man standing by is
MACINTYRE.
MAN WITH GUN
What about him?
MACINTYRE
No, we've done enough.
We close back in slowly on MIKE, bent over DELIA's dead body and then
to one side where lies his hat.
THE END
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