SNAKE OIL

MARCH 2007

A short screenplay from the misadventures of
Ponce DeWolf 

FADE IN

EXT. THE WASTELAND - PACHETE’S MINE - NOON

The blazing yellow sun broils in the bright blue sky. Its heat bakes the parched land below it. The ground is cracked and vegetation is sparse. Cactus and thorny scrub litter the landscape. A craggy mountain range sits on the horizon. The Wastelands are a mean and merciless bitch of a place to live. Not that much actually lives here.

An insect scurries across the desert sands. It meanders over a pile of rocks and through the coarse shrubbery. It finds something. But at that same moment, something finds it.

A trapdoor opens. A black spider grabs the insect and drags its helpless victim into its lair. Death comes quickly in the Wasteland. Usually.

A mine emerges from the side of a small mountain. The entrance is boarded up. One of the boards has been ripped off and cast to the side creating a small crawl space into the ominous black cavern.

A sign next to the boarded mine entrance reads “PACHETE’S MINE.” Old liquor bottles, some broken and all empty lie scattered around the area. 

A black horse stands in the shade close to the mine entrance. A YOUNG MAN leans against his steed. He takes a long drag from a cigarette. He slowly releases the smoke and watches it drift into the sky.

PONCE DEWOLF (26) is a young man without a town. He roams the land with his horse and his rifle. A broad rimmed hat hides his face that he wears to protect himself from the blazing sun. He is unshaven and his clothes are stained with dry sweat. His features are rugged but beneath the grime and dust he is quite a handsome young man. 

Ponce removes a water skin from the horse saddle and gives his friend a drink. He rubs the animal’s mane. The horse drinks his fill.

Ponce takes a final drag from the cigarette and tosses the butt away. He climbs onto the horse and looks eastward. 

   PONCE
	Let’s get going.

He taps his heels against the animal’s side. The horse makes a nervous NOISE. He becomes agitated. Ponce looks around and spies movement

Three people are crawling out from the opening in the mine entrance. Their motions are slow, almost sloth like. They’re dressed in worn and tattered clothes that are stained with grime.

Ponce readies his gun. He watches them slowly get to their feet. They’re shocking to look at - appalling actually. Their faces are corroded and decayed. Their shrunken eyeballs rest far back in their sockets. Their hair is tangled, matted and caked with filth.

One of the CORPSES lurches toward Ponce. It carries an old hat with outstretched arms. The foul flesh hangs from the bones. Its yellowed scalp is slowly sliding off its skull. 

The stranger‘s foul smell causes Ponce to cover his nose in revulsion. His horse becomes even more agitated. He levels his gun at the living corpse.

The corpse stops. It manages a hideous smile exposing a handful of green and decayed teeth. It turns its hat around and speaks in a gurgling, rotted VOICE.

   CORPSE
	A bit of charity? How’s about
	a pound of flesh. Can you spare
	it?

The other two corpses move forward, their hats thrust forward.

   CORPSES
	Charity…

Ponce squeezes of a shot. The first corpse’s head explodes in a nauseating spray of ghoulish grime. The other two corpses continue their mindless gait forward. Ponce fires three more shots and dispatches them.

The corpses lie motionless in a pool of black filth. Ponce holds his nose and leans to the side of his horse, gagging.
The boards covering the mine entrance begin to rattle. Ponce looks up.

Gnarly hands pull at the wood covering. Pieces of board break off. Ghastly VOICES rise from the depths of the mine.

VOICES
	A pound of flesh….

Devilish faces peer from the cracks in the sealed off entrance. The cracks get bigger and bigger. They begin to crawl through the holes. Their pale white eyes burn with an undying hunger for living flesh.

Ponce fires off a few more shots. The living dead rise to their feet. One of the corpses snarls at Ponce.

   CORPSE
	Alms for the dead?

They scramble forward like a wave. This time they are much faster. Their speed surprises him. He spurs his horse and races for the horizon.

The corpses give chase. They fly like a howling wind. Ponce turns around and fires off a few more shots. Then CLICK. CLICK. The gun is empty.

The corpses grab hold of his arm. He fights them off and struggles to reload his gun. One of the corpses takes a bite at him but gets a mouthful of gunstock instead. Rotted teeth and jawbone scatter into the wind.

Ponce reloads his gun and opens fire on the living dead as his horse runs for the hills.

EXT. LAST STOP JUNCTION - TOWN ENTRANCE- EVENING

The sun sets over the wasteland. The big sky turns a shade of pink. Ponce arrives at the water hole town of LAST STOP JUNCTION. It’s a small collection of old wooden buildings. Most of the walls are riddled with bullet holes.

Empty bottles and cans lie scattered along the ground near a permanent gallows. Ponce rides past the gallows. Several ill-fated banditos hang by their necks. Coarse burlap sacks cover their heads. Carrion birds sit atop the gallows’ wooden beams. They take turns devouring their meal.

Ponce spurs his horse and enters town. 

EXT. LAST STOP JUNCTION - STREET

Ponce rides along the dusty street. None of the townspeople pay him any attention. Most are caught up in their own menial duties.

A little GIRL sits on a wooden railing in front of the General Goods Store. She’s a very cute but strange little child. Her clothes are tattered; her hair is unkempt and covered with dust.

She waves a rattle in her tiny hand. She smiles at Ponce. The RATTLE shakes.

   GIRL
	Y’ can have the head if
	y’ want.

She points at the severed rattle snake head on the ground not far from her dirty bare feet. Ponce smiles at her. He reaches into his pocket and tosses her a piece of candy. It falls to the ground. The little girl’s eyes light up with delight. She scoops up the candy and pockets it. 

Ponce turns the corner and heads for the building on the end of the street.

EXT. LAST STOP JUNCTION - TAVERN

Ponce dismounts his horse and ties him to a post. He removes a blanket from his horse saddle and gently wipes the sweat off his loyal friend and companion. He whispers to her soothingly.

PONCE
	There you go Twister. I’ll get
	you some water. We’ll both
	have our fill of drink tonight.

He gives Twister a handful of oats and approaches the doorway of the Lazy Day Tavern. He takes his hat off and makes his best effort to tidy his messy dark hair. Ponce enters the Tavern.

INT. LAZY DAY TAVERN

The Lazy Day Tavern bustles with activity. A group of men sit around a table knocking back shots and LAUGHING boisterously. 

Several of them take notice of Ponce and quietly watch him. They exchange cautious nods of acknowledgement. 

An old man sits at a table near the back. He stares vacantly into an empty glass. He holds a half empty bottle of liquor in one timeworn, wrinkled hand.

Ponce passes a table near the bar. An man dressed in black sits in a chair. A young woman is propped up on his knee. She nibbles on his ear but her eyes focus on the handsome young stranger.

The man in black locks eyes with Ponce. It’s a wordless communication that is meant to convey a clear message. “This is my territory. Tread lightly.”

Ponce has a seat at the bar. He reaches into his pocket and produces a cigarette and matchbook. He opens the matchbook. One match left.

He strikes it but the match doesn’t light. It’s ruined by the sweat of a long and hot afternoon. He curses under his breath.

He hears a VOICE behind him. It’s a young and feminine voice.

FEMININE VOICE
	Can I help you with that?

Ponce turns around and comes face to face with heartbreakingly cute YOUNG WOMAN (23). Ink black hair fashioned into two loose braids. Dark almond shaped eyes, delicate feminine features and a full and pouting set of lips that smile casually. 

Her body is perfectly proportioned. Not too tall – about 5’5. Her complexion is softly tanned. She’s heated sexuality personified. And she knows it.  

She reaches into her shorts and pulls out a matchbook. She strikes a match and leans forward, giving Ponce a look at the goods. What a set of goods they are.

She lights his cigarette. They lock eyes for a moment before he finally nods his head in thanks.

He takes a drag from the cigarette. She smiles at him.

YOUNG WOMAN
	You want something to go with
	that?

He takes a look at the row of bottles behind the bar. They pretty much all look the same.

PONCE
	What do you recommend?

She walks behind the bar. It’s a seductive walk. She knows how to use her body parts to entice a man. Her hips sway and her shorts just barely cover her entire shapely rear.

It’s the moneymaker walk. It’s a walk that certainly gets Ponce’s attention. She leans over and studies the bottles.

YOUNG WOMAN
	They all take you to the same
	place at the end of the night.

She pulls a bottle off of the shelf and pours him a shot. She slides it across the bar. He knocks it back and grimaces. She smiles.

YOUNG WOMAN
That hit the spot, didn’t it?

She picks up another bottle from way in the back of the shelf. It’s large and heavy black bottle. 

She caresses the bottle, smiling. 

PONCE
	What’s that called?

YOUNG WOMAN
	Snake Oil. It’s reserved for
	our favorite customers.

Ponce motions toward the tavern door.

PONCE
	Can I get someone to water my 
	horse?

The young woman nods.
YOUNG WOMAN
	I’ll have a bucket and some feed
	sent outside.

He nods his thanks. The young woman studies him for a moment.

YOUNG WOMAN
	Name?

He looks at her, frowning.

YOUNG WOMAN
	For your tab. You gotta
	pay us some kind of way you know.

She smiles again. It’s a pouting, sexy smile. Ponce returns the smile.

PONCE
	Ponce.

She writes the man’s name down.

YOUNG WOMAN
	Very good Mr. Ponce. I’ll
	be around should you need 
	anything.

She takes a jug off the shelf and pours him a tall glass of amber colored ale. She hands it to him.

YOUNG WOMAN
	On the house.

Ponce nods his thanks. The young woman opens a door leading into a room behind the bar. Ponce calls after her.

PONCE
	And your name is?

She turns around.

YOUNG WOMAN
	Jordanna.

Ponce watches the barmaid walk into the room and close the door behind her.

INT. LAZY DAY TAVERN – NIGHT

One by one the customers pay their tabs and leave the bar. Man in Black throws a wad of paper bills on the table and leaves with his woman.

The men around the table debate their portion of the tab and grudgingly place their money in a big pile. Jordanna flirts with them. She places some of the bills between her cleavage which gets a rise from the men.

The get out of their chairs and stagger out through the front door and into the waiting night.

Jordanna wipes the table off with a damp cloth. Ponce watches her. His eyes betray his desire. She looks up at him and gives him a little smile. She leans closer to the table, allowing him a better look.

When she’s finished with her work, she walks by Ponce’s seat. She takes the damp cloth and wipes his brow with it. She tosses the rag between his legs and gives him a wink.

He grabs the rag and places it on the bar, laughing to himself. Jordanna goes back into the room behind the bar.

INT. LAZY TAVERN

Ponce sits at the bar. He contemplates his empty glass for a moment before tapping it on the bar. Jordanna approaches him.

JORDANNA
	Another one?

Ponce points at the bottle of Snake Oil. Jordanna raises an eyebrow.

JORDANNA
	Snake Oil?

He nods his head affirmatively. She removes a jug of ale from the shelf and pours him a fresh glass. She hands him the glass.

JORDANNA
	Maybe later. 

She goes back to washing some glasses and watches him while she works. 

JORDANNA
	Where are you staying for the 
	night?

Ponce looks around.

PONCE
	Have any rooms here?

She studies the young man’s tattered clothes and shakes her head.

JORDANNA
	You can’t afford one.

Jordanna looks around at the rest of the tavern. The only remaining customer is the old man sitting near the back.

JORDANNA
	I’m watching over the place 
	tonight. Maybe I can help you 
	out.

She puts her glasses down and walks to the back of the tavern. She approaches the old man and whispers a few words to him. The old man looks over in Ponce’s direction. He nods his head.

She pats his back and pours the old man another drink. She returns to the bar.

JORDANNA
	Let me finish what I’m doing.

PONCE
	I can stay the night?

Jordanna smiles.

JORDANNA
	That can be arranged.

INT. TAVERN – LATE NIGHT

Jordanna finishes her work. She takes the bottle of Snake Oil along with two shot glasses and motions for Ponce to stand up. 

PONCE
	So what’s the arrangement?

She walks over to a table and has a seat. Ponce sits down next to her. She slams the bottle of Snake Oil on the table. Jordanna places a shot glass on the table and hands the other to Ponce.

She twists the cap off the bottle and pours two shots of black, viscous liquor.

JORDANNA
	Snake Oil. Down the hatch
	without making a face. If you
	can do that, you can stay here
	for the night free of charge.

She downs her shot with a straight face. 

JORDANNA
	Your go.

Ponce takes the shot and downs it in one gulp. But he can’t control his reaction. He gags and grimaces. Jordanna smiles.

JORDANNA
	Strong, no?

She pours them both another shot.

JORDANNA
	Try again.

She downs hers. Same result. He downs his. Unfortunately for him it’s the same result. Jordanna LAUGHS.

JORDANNA
	It’s gonna be a long night for
	you Mr. Ponce. Let’s give it 
	another go.

She pours yet another set of shots. They both down them at the same time. She remains straight-faced and Ponce once again grimaces.

She places the bottle aside.

JORDANNA
	Better take a break.

Ponce fumbles with his cigarette. She lights it for him. She moves her chair closer to him. Her bare foot touches his knee.

They lock eyes for a long and intense moment. Jordanna slides out of her chair and into his lap. She takes note of his surprise.

JORDANNA
	Am I being too forward?

Ponce runs his hand over her shapely bare leg. He whispers something in her ear. She LAUGHS.

JORDANNA
	It’s been awhile hasn’t it?

Jordanna straddles him and gives him a deep, penetrating kiss. It’s passionate. It’s almost desperate. After she’s done, she climbs off of him and sits back down in her chair.

She pours two more shots of snake oil. Ponce shakes his head in amazement.

PONCE
	You don’t waste time, do you?

Jordanna downs her shot. She spins the empty shot glass on the table smiling at Ponce mischievously.

JORDANNA
	I don’t have time to waste. 
                         I’m independent. I
	don’t need a man to take care
	of me.

She places her foot between his legs and massages him with her toes.

JORDANNA
	Unless I want him to.

Ponce arches his eyebrows. He toasts his shot.

PONCE
	I’ll drink to that.

Ponce knocks back the shot and grimaces again. Jordanna LAUGHS again.

JORDANNA
	Maybe you better not.

Jordanna puts the cap back on the bottle of Snake Oil. She places the bottle back on the shelf and takes a candle from underneath the bar.

She lights the candle. 

JORDANNA
	Come with me.

Ponce stumbles to his feet.

PONCE
	Where are we going?

She motions to the stairs leading up the second floor. The candlelight casts a glow on her pouting smile. The old man SNORES from his table at the back of the bar.

She takes Ponce’s hand and leads him up the stairs. When they reach the top of the stairs, she turns to him.

JORDANNA
	I can trust you? Can’t I?
	You’re not some kind of	
	bad guy? 

Ponce smiles. He pulls one of her braids loose and plays with her hair.

PONCE
	No. Of course not.

Jordanna kisses him, biting his lip. Their heavy BREATHING fills the dark hallway. Suddenly, she stops and takes a step back. Her dark eyes regard him for a silent moment. She finally speaks.

JORDANNA
	I heard of a young woman who was
	murdered by her jealous lover. 

She reaches out and grabs his shirt. She plays with the buttons.

JORDANNA
	He buried her under the floor
	of a house so that no one would
	ever find her. No one ever did.
	He went mad and confessed his
	crime. And he met his demise
	at the end of a rope.

Jordanna looks deep into Ponce’s eyes. Ponce pulls her in toward him.

JORDANNA
	You’re no kind of bad guy.
	Are you?
	
Jordanna kisses him again. It’s a deep, hungry kiss.
Ponce runs his hands down the small of her back and over the curve of her buttocks.

PONCE
	I’m no kind of bad guy.

Jordanna smiles. She takes his hand and leads him into the bedroom at the end of the hall.

INT. BED ROOM – NIGHT

Several candles light the small bedroom. Jordanna makes love to Ponce on the bed at the back of the room. Her nude body glistens with sweat. 

She GROANS with passion. It’s a nearly insatiable passion. They finally peak. Ponce lies back, breathing heavily. He slips his pants on.

Jordanna lies on the bed silent for a moment. She runs her slender finger up and down the surface of chest and abdomen. Her eyes are closed.

Finally, Jordanna turns to him. She tosses her hair out of her face and looks at him, smiling.

JORDANNA
	I forgot to tell you the end of 
	that story.

PONCE
	What story.

JORDANNA
	The one about the girl who was
	murdered by her lover. And buried
	under the floor of that old house
	on the outskirts of town.

PONCE
	What’s left to tell?

JORDANNA
	Don’t you wanna know why no one
	ever found her?

Jordanna turns away. She blows out the candles next to the bed. She speaks. Only this time her VOICE is distant and hollow. It’s like an echo from the bottom of abandoned water well.

JORDANNA
	She came back.

She turns around to face him. Her face is hollow and death-like. Her eyes are pale and glassy, like they eyes of a dead fish.

Ponce sobers up in half a second flat. Sheets fly off the bed, the window opens and out he goes wearing nothing but his pants. He lands on the ground with a great THUD. 

He races to his horse, unties him and climbs onto his steed. He spurs Twister to action and the great Ponce Dewolf races out of Last Stop Junction and never, ever returns.

FADE OUT