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FADE IN:
EXT. EASTERN WASHINGTON STATE CAMPGROUND - MORNING
A beautiful shot of a mountain can be seen amidst a beautiful
Evergreen forest. A sign in the foreground reads:
Welcome to Cascadia Campgrounds
A pick-up truck driven by a PARK RANGER enters the
campground. He whistles a tune to himself and waves at
campers just starting their days.
PARK RANGER
Howdy!
A group of CAMPERS wave back at the Park Ranger. Down the
road, two YOUNG BOYS are playing in the street.
One of them kicks a ball that hits the Park Ranger's truck as
he rounds the corner.
PARK RANGER
Whoa!
The Park Ranger leans out the window.
PARK RANGER
Boy, you'd better be a little more
careful now, you hear?
YOUNG BOY
Yes sir. Sorry!
PARK RANGER
That's alright. Enjoy your day.
The Park Ranger continues on. The Young Boy returns to his
campsite. His FATHER slaps him upside his head.
CUT TO:
EXT. RIVERBANK
A young man in his mid to late 20's, PATRICK SNEEZY, is
fishing. He gets a bit and reels in his line. He catches a
tiny, pathetic looking fish. He heads back to his campsite.
His friends CHARLIE SHAME, C. THOMAS HOWDYDOODY, LEA
THOMPSONTWIN, and JENNIFER GAY are waiting. They are young
all-American college types.
CHARLIE
You catch anything?
PATRICK
Yeah.
Patrick shows them his tiny trophy fish.
JENNIFER
Wow.
PATRICK
He might be small but he put up one
hell of a fight.
LEA
Really...
In a campsite nearby, a moody ENVIRONMENTALIST is reading a
book entitled "Treehugging for Dummies". His dog, Jessie,
lays next to him. The Environmentalist looks over and notices
the tiny fish Patrick is holding.
ENVIRONMENTALIST
You can't eat that! It's against
the law!
PATRICK
Oh shit.
CHARLIE
Just mind your own business.
ENVIRONMENTALIST
You are an Eco-Terrorist!
CHARLIE
A what? Excuse me?
ENVIRONMENTALIST
You are an Eco-Terrorist, and you
should be ashamed of yourself. All
of you! I've written down a list of
crimes and other offenses you've
committed during your stay here.
All of you are guilty of something.
Put that fish back in the water now
or I'll report you to the Park
Ranger at once!
CHARLIE
You want to see some terrorism?
I'll show you some terrorism.
Charlie grabs the fish from Patrick. He then whistles to
Jessie.
CHARLIE
Here boy. Here.
ENVIRONMENTALIST
No Jessie. No. Stay! Stay!
CHARLIE
Fetch!
Charlie, with a running start, throws the fish. Jessie chases
after it, catching it with his mouth. He then proceeds to
tear it apart and eat it.
ENVIRONMENTALIST
Oh my god. Jesse! How could you!
You monsters! Look what you've
done!
The Environmentalist runs to try and save the fish from
Jessie.
PATRICK
I hope that shuts him up for a
while. He's been a pain in our ass
all weekend. So now what we do we
do?
JENNIFER
Well, we still have some left over
sandwiches if anybody wants one.
PATRICK
That's it? Don't we have anything
else?
LEA
No. You never did come through with
the big catch.
CHARLIE
I guess it's better than nothing.
Jennifer proceeds to pull out some peanut butter sandwiches,
passing them out to everyone. Patrick reluctantly sits down
and takes one for himself.
Thomas takes a bite out of his sandwich.
THOMAS
Ewww! What kind of fucking idiot
made this sandwich? You can't eat
a sandwich with just peanut butter.
It needs jelly. Hence, the term
peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
LEA
Oh, wait a second. I have something
else we could put on them.
Lea rifles through her bag and pulls out a jar of honey.
LEA
You guys want some honey?
EVERYONE
Sure. Sure.
CHARLIE
How many carbs are in it?
LEA
What?
THOMAS
Are you a fag or something?
CHARLIE
Let me see the label.
JENNIFER
Are you still doing that low-carb
diet?
CHARLIE
Yeah. I got to make sure this isn't
loaded with sugar and carbs.
Charlie takes the jar and begins reading the label. Thomas
looks over his shoulder.
CHARLIE
Doesn't look too bad.
Charlie begins to unscrew the jar.
THOMAS
It's not the carbs that'll kill
you.
CHARLIE
What?
THOMAS
Did you see where it's from?
Charlie looks on the label. It says Made in Vietnam.
CHARLIE
Vietnam?
THOMAS
Yeah.
CHARLIE
So?
THOMAS
So, have you ever seen a Vietnamese
bee trying to fly around?
CHARLIE
No.
THOMAS
I saw it on the Discovery Channel
once. The poor bastards are all
crippled from Agent Orange. When we
sprayed that shit in the jungle it
affected all the indigenous plant
life. When the bees tried
pollinating the flowers they got
infected by it too. It makes them
fly all retarded. When they get
back to the hive, the Agent Orange
gets into the honey.
CHARLIE
Are you saying the honey is
retarded?
THOMAS
How the hell can a jar of honey be
retarded? Do you see it wearing a
helmet and slobbering all over the
place? No. What I'm saying is this
shit is fucking loaded full of
Agent Orange.
LEA
That's bullshit. My jar of honey is
not a chemical weapon. Give me it.
Lea grabs the jar from out of Charlie's hands. She looks at
the label.
LEA
Now where do you see Agent Orange
being listed as one of the
ingredients? Huh?
THOMAS
You think Ho Chi Minh wants you to
know they put that shit in there?
It's their version of the smart
bomb. They can't afford cruise
missiles or atomic-bombs, so they
get their payback with this. Sneaky
little bastards aren't they? All I
know is, I'm not putting that shit
on my sandwich no matter how dry
this peanut butter is.
Thomas just barely finishes the conversation due to a dry
mouth. Lea unscrews the jar and begins to spread honey on her
sandwich.
LEA
Anyone else?
No one takes her up on her offer.
LEA
Oh c'mon. Jesus Christ.
Lea goes to take a bite of her sandwich. Everyone is
appalled. Lea puts her sandwich down.
LEA
Fuck this! I'm going to take a
shower.
Lea gets up and leaves.
CUT TO:
SCOUT MASTER'S TRAILER
The Park Ranger parks near a small trailer. He gets out and
knocks on the door. Moments later an older gentleman, the
SCOUT MASTER, answers the door in his underwear.
PARK RANGER
Good morning.
SCOUT MASTER
Good morning.
PARK RANGER
Say, I uh-
A YOUNG BOY with some candy runs out from behind the Scout
Master. A moment of awkward silence ensues, then the Park
Ranger continues.
PARK RANGER
I'm going to be heading into town,
you need anything?
SCOUT MASTER
No. No. I'm fine. Thanks.
PARK RANGER
OK. Just checking.
The Park Ranger begins to leave.
SCOUT MASTER
Oh! There are a couple of things.
Could I get some ice cream bars and
maybe some extra baby wipes while
your out? If it's not a bother.
PARK RANGER
Baby wipes huh? OK. Whatever.
SCOUT MASTER
Thanks.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD
The Park Ranger's pick-up truck drives down a country road.
PARATROOPERS begin landing behind him. He sees them in his
rear view mirror.
PARK RANGER
Holy Shit.
The Park Ranger screeches to a stop. He turns around in his
seat.
PARK RANGER
What the hell?
The Park Ranger exits his truck.
PARK RANGER
Must've drifted off course. Missed
their landing site.
The Park Ranger walks over to a group of Paratroopers who
have just landed.
CUT TO:
A large man, disfigured by radiation poisoning and covered
head to toe in Soviet special forces camouflage, descends
from the sky in a parachute. His name is VLADMIR DRAGO, and
he is the captain of the elite Spetznaz unit now landing.
They are victims of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster and are
now zombies.
VLADMIR
Ouch!
Vladmir lands roughly, but is helped to his feet by a couple
of comrades.
VLADMIR
Kind of rough jump now wasn't it
boys? Winds were working against
us. Kind of like being downwind
from Chernobyl. Remember that?
Winds were really working against
us there too now weren't they?
Vladmir and his Zombie Paratroopers laugh. He hugs them.
VLADMIR
You smell that boys? Hmm? Fresh
Air!
The Park Ranger approaches.
PARK RANGER
Hey! Are you alright? Are you OK?
VLADMIR
Is he talking to us?
PARK RANGER
You boys get blown off course? The
Yakima training grounds are a few
hundred miles from here.
A Zombie Paratrooper unfurls a Soviet flag from a canister
that has just dropped in.
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER (SUBTITLE)
We have our flag!
VLADMIR (SUBTITLE)
Good!
The Park Ranger sees the Soviet flag.
PARK RANGER
Oh my god!
VLADMIR
Whoops! Cat's out of the bag.
The Park Ranger reaches for his sidearm and begins shooting
Vladmir, to no affect.
VLADMIR
Ouch. Ooh. Ahh. Oh.
Vladmir walks up to the Park Ranger and grabs him by the neck
and hand. Vladmir admires the Park Ranger's weapon.
VLADMIR
Nice sidearm you got there. You
mind if I borrow it?
Vladmir rips off the Park Ranger's entire arm. The Park
Ranger falls to the ground with blood shooting out of his
shoulder. Vladmir checks the watch on the severed arm he is
holding.
VLADMIR (SUBTITLE)
We're late! Let's move out.
Vladmir and some of his Paratroopers jump in the Park
Ranger's truck and drive off. The rest of them march behind.
EXT. CASCADIA CAMPGROUND - LATER
All is peaceful and quiet. The two young boys seen playing
ball earlier once again play in the street. They see the
Paratroopers approaching.
YOUNG BOY 1
Wow! Army Soldiers!
YOUNG BOY 2
Cool!
The two young boys run towards them. Vladmir steps on the
gas. The boys' PARENTS see the truck approaching their
children at high speed.
PARENTS
Ahhhhh!
The truck hits the two young boys, causing their tiny bodies
to explode.
VLADMIR
Poor kids. Should've stayed in
school I reckon.
The Paratroopers in the truck shoot the Parents as they drive
by. Hot dogs and potato salad go flying everywhere.
CUT TO:
PATRICK'S CAMPSITE
Patrick, Charlie, Thomas, Lea, and Jennifer are packing up
their gear when they hear the gunfire.
PATRICK
What the hell is that?
CUT TO:
NEARBY CAMPSITE
CAMPERS step out their tents only to be greeted by impact of
bullets riddling their bodies.
CUT TO:
SCOUT MASTER'S TRAILER
The Scout Master sits on a toilet reading a magazine entitled
Scout Sluts. Suddenly, a bunch of bullets rip through his
trailer. He drops to the ground to hide.
CUT TO:
TWO MAN TENT
Vladmir gets out of the truck and walks over to a nearby
tent.
INSIDE 2 MAN TENT
Vladmir unzips the front of the tent and sticks his head
inside. Two FRIGHTENED CAMPERS scream at the sight of him.
VLADMIR
Rise and shine party people!
The Frightened Campers whimper.
VLADMIR
Did I catch you at a bad time?
The Frightened Campers offer no response.
VLADMIR
I see you're all out of coffee. I
tell you what, I got a little
something else that'll help you get
your day started.
Vladmir rolls a hand grenade into the tent.
VLADMIR
Bon Appetit!
OUTSIDE TENT
Vladmir exits the tent and seconds later it explodes.
BEGIN MONTAGE
Tents are shown exploding and being shot up with bullets. A
couple of Restrooms are shown on fire.
END MONTAGE
PATRICK'S CAMPSITE
A FISHERMAN runs through the campsite.
FISHERMAN
Run! They're killing everyone.
PATRICK
Who is?
FISHERMAN
That's a good question. I don't
know. Quit being a smart ass and
run for your li-
The Fisherman is interrupted by a volley of bullets that hit
him in the back.
JENNIFER
Oh my God!
Some Paratroopers begin firing at Jennifer and the others.
PATRICK
GO! GO! GO! GO!
Patrick and the others run into some woods nearby. The
Paratroopers do not give chase and continue on into other
campsites, firing away.
CUT TO:
SCOUT MASTER'S TRAILER
Vladmir knocks on the bullet riddled door. A few Paratroopers
stand guard nearby. Gunfire is still heard, but has subsided
somewhat. The Scout Master answers the door.
SCOUT MASTER
Can I help you?
VLADMIR (SUBTITLE)
Good Morning. How are you?
SCOUT MASTER
What?
Vladmir notices the Scout Master wearing only wet underwear.
VLADMIR
Having a bad day? Hmmm?
The Scout Master notices he has peed himself. Vladmir then
sees the Scout Sluts magazine. He grabs it from the Scout
Master.
VLADMIR
Capitalist propaganda.
SCOUT MASTER
You're not from around here are
you?
VLADMIR
That's affirmative.
SCOUT MASTER
You know, you all could use a
little more higher proofed
sunscreen. It might help protect
you better from the sun's rays. You
all look like you've been out in
the sun a little too much. Anytime
it gets over 50 degrees-
VLADMIR
Try a hundred million.
SCOUT MASTER
Or a hundred million degrees, you
need a higher...proof...sunblock.
You're not from around here are
you?
VLADMIR
That's the second time you've asked
me that question. Listen, I'm the
one running the interrogation here.
You got that?
SCOUT MASTER
Yes sir.
VLADMIR
You got any firewood?
SCOUT MASTER
Firewood? Is that all you came here
for?
The Scout Master leads Vladmir toward a stack of firewood
stacked next to the trailer.
SCOUT MASTER
Why sure, why didn't you just say
so? It's right over here. Now
listen we don't normally allow
people to have fires during a burn
ban, which in case you didn't
notice, is in effect today.
The Scout Master sees a burning corpse nearby.
SCOUT MASTER
Dear God.
Vladmir suddenly wraps piano wire around the Scout Master's
neck.
CUT TO:
LARGE FIRE PIT, MOMENTS LATER
The Scout Master is tied up on a pile of firewood.
Paratroopers read the Scout Sluts magazine. Vladmir snatches
it from them and throws it onto the fire pit, using it to
light the fire.
SCOUT MASTER
NO!
A Paratrooper runs up to Vladmir.
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER
The objective is secured Sir.
VLADMIR
Good. Casualties?
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER
None Sir.
VLADMIR
Now that's what I'm talking about.
I think that's cause for
celebration. Don't you think men?
The Paratroopers let out a cheer. Vladmir watches the Scout
Master as he tries to blow out the fire.
VLADMIR
What do you think? You want to
party?
SCOUT MASTER
No. I don't want to party.
CUT TO:
WOODS OUTSIDE PATRICK'S CAMPSITE
Patrick, Charlie, Thomas, Lea, and Jennifer are hiding in
some underbrush. Patrick gets up to take a peek.
CHARLIE
Dude, get your ass out of my face.
PATRICK
Sorry.
THOMAS
You see anything?
Patrick sees Paratroopers inspecting the campsite. They seem
to be foraging for something.
LEA
Don't let them see you!
JENNIFER
Who are they?
PATRICK
I don't know. They look military.
THOMAS
Yeah but whose military?
PATRICK
I can't tell. I don't see any
markings.
CHARLIE
I saw this movie once where the US
was invaded man, just like this.
The Russians came in through
Canada, and the Nicaraguans and the
Cubans came in through Mexico. It's
World War 3, I'm telling you!
THOMAS
How the hell are the Cubans going
to invade us? Huh? What are they
going to do, swim here? They don't
have any boats.
CHARLIE
Like I said they came through
Mexico. With the Nicaraguans.
THOMAS
Why the hell would the Mexicans let
them and the Nicaraguans in?
There's enough Mexicans already
trying to cross the border. It'd
cause a human traffic jam. There'd
be a war just to see who gets to
pick all our oranges.
LEA
Will you guys just shut up before
someone hears us!
PATRICK
Oh. Sorry!
JENNIFER
What are they doing?
PATRICK
I don't know. Wait.
Patrick sees the Paratroopers holding something in their
hands. They look very excited.
PATRICK
Looks like they found something.
JENNIFER
What is it?
PATRICK
I can't tell from here.
The Paratroopers rush off.
CUT TO:
LARGE FIRE PIT
A loud scream can be heard. Vladmir and his men are roasting
the Scout Master's internal organs like marshmallows. The
Paratroopers at Patrick's campsite arrive.
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER
Sir. We found something. Something
you'd want to see.
VLADMIR (SUBTITLE)
What is it?
A Paratrooper shows Vladmir a half-eaten peanut butter
sandwich.
Vladmir drops his roasting stick. He seems totally transfixed
on the peanut butter sandwich. He goes into a dream-like
state.
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. CHERNOBYL HOME, RUSSIA
VLADMIR'S GRANDMA fixes Vladmir a peanut butter sandwich. He
eagerly anticipates the moment he can eat it. He is dressed
in a Red Army Uniform. Just as Vladmir's Grandma hands him
the sandwich, an alarm sounds. Vladmir changes into his
Special Forces uniform and runs out the door.
ROLL STOCK FOOTAGE OF CHERNOBYL NUCLEAR DISASTER
INT. CHERNOBYL NUCLEAR REACTOR
Vladmir leads men with wheelbarrows into the smoke filled
Nuclear Reactor. They are trying to put cement inside it.
Smoke is everywhere.
Men fall down, overcome with radiation poisoning. Vladmir
continues on heroically despite the horrific conditions.
INT. CHERNOBYL HOME- LATER
Vladmir opens the door. His hair is falling out and he looks
badly burned. Radioactive smoke is everywhere inside. He
coughs.
VLADMIR (SUBTITLE)
Grandmother!
Vladmir runs over to the table. His grandmother, now dead, is
sitting upright in a chair. A smile is frozen on her face.
She still holds Vladmir's peanut butter sandwich in her
hands. Vladmir is moved to tears.
CUT TO:
BACKYARD
Vladmir weeps as he digs a grave for his Grandmother. He hugs
her one more time before throwing her in.
Grandma still smiles with the sandwich in her hand as dirt
from Vladmir's shovel lands on her face.
FLASHBACK END
EXT. FIRE PIT
Vladmir, surrounded by his soldiers, tears up. He suddenly
grabs the sandwich and begins violently eating it.
He starts to choke. A Paratrooper hits him on the back and
clears his passageway.
VLADMIR
Find me some more!
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER
Yes sir!
The rest of the Paratroopers look on in awe at their Captain.
VLADMIR
That was a damn good sandwich.
EXT. CASCADIA CAMPGROUND CAMPSITE - NIGHT
Patrick's group have built a fire and are sitting around it.
LEA
I don't think this fire is such a
good idea.
PATRICK
I don't think they'll notice it.
Not with everything else that's
burning around here. Besides, I'm
freezing my ass off.
JENNIFER
Who cares about your ass Patrick.
We could all be killed. If we stay
active and keep our blood moving
we'll be fine.
CHARLIE
I know an easy way to do that.
Thomas and Charlie share a smile.
JENNIFER
Sure. You mean dancing, right?
CHARLIE
More like dirty dancing, right
Patrick?
Patrick smiles.
JENNIFER
I can't believe World War 3 is
going on out there and all you guys
can think about is sex.
CHARLIE
Kiss my ass.
JENNIFER
If I kissed your ass I'd have to
get a nose job first so I wouldn't
have to smell how much it stank.
THOMAS
You're being too loud.
LEA
Our voices are the least of our
problems! With this fire going like
this anyone can see us. You'd have
to be a soul man to not be seen
Thomas.
CHARLIE
Hey I saw that movie once. That's
not a bad idea. Instead of sun
tanning pills we could paint our
faces black with mud, and no one
would see us. Just like Rambo did.
LEA
Look we're not in some fucking army
platoon Charlie, we're a bunch of
suburbians running around in a war
zone. We're not trained for this
kind of thing. I wish, I wish I
could find some kind of wonderful
solution to our problem but we're
fucked. We're fucked.
Lea begins to cry.
LEA
All I wanted was to go camping and
have a little honey on my peanut
butter sandwich. I don't care if it
has Agent Orange in it. I don't
care if it would slowly cause my
liver to disintegrate into a finely
distilled and granulated powder. I
don't care about that! Now, now I
just want to get out of this alive.
Patrick gets up and slaps Lea.
PATRICK
Look bitch don't come apart on us
now, alright. We got to hold it
together. Now look, since I was
elected president of my condo
association back home, I say I lead
us until we find a way out of here.
JENNIFER
You're so butch Patrick.
CHARLIE
But he is a natural born leader.
And he's my older brother. He's got
my vote.
THOMAS
Mine too.
JENNIFER
Why can't a girl lead huh? Why is
it always the guy who gets to lead?
You guys are such fucking jocks. Us
girls are as good as any of you.
Here, wash your own dishes.
Jennifer throws a couple of paper plates at Patrick.
PATRICK
These are paper plates.
JENNIFER
So! They're still dirty!
EXT. CASCADIA CAMPGROUND PARK ENTRANCE - MORNING
Vladmir is preparing an ambush with his troops.
VLADMIR
Good. Good. Fix your line of sight.
Good.
A SENTRY near the entrance shouts to Vladmir.
SENTRY
Incoming!
VLADMIR
Lock and Load!
The Paratroopers lock and load their weapons. Vladmir hides
in a concealed position.
CUT TO:
ROAD NEAR ENTRANCE
A middle aged MAN and his WIFE driving a mini-van approach
the entrance.
VLADMIR
Fire!
A roadside bomb blows up just next to the mini-van, causing
it to swerve violently. Skis and fishing poles fall off its
top as it drives into a ditch.
Gunfire continues and the bodies of the Man and his Wife
spasm from the ricochet of bullets hitting them.
CUT TO:
NEARBY WOODS
The sound of gunfire wakes Patrick up. He alerts the others
sleeping next to him.
PATRICK
Get Up!
CUT TO:
PARK ENTRANCE
VLADMIR
Cease Fire!
Vladmir walks over to the destroyed, bullet riddled mini-van.
The Man is still breathing and semi-conscious. The Wife is
very dead.
VLADMIR
How you doing?
MAN
Not so good.
VLADMIR
I noticed.
MAN
I was going to pay for a spot.
Honest.
VLADMIR
That's not a concern of mine. Say,
you got any sandwiches?
MAN
Sandwiches?
VLADMIR
Yeah. Particularly with peanut
butter.
MAN
I don't think we brought any with
us, but my wife can certainly fix
you up one in a hurry. Honey?
The Man looks over at his Wife.
MAN
Honey!
VLADMIR
I think her sandwich making days
are over.
MAN
No! Honey No!
Vladmir shoots the man in the head, finishing him off. He
walks back to the ambush position.
VLADMIR
Alright, I want this cleaned up.
Prepare for the next ambush. I want
every vehicle that comes in
searched and thoroughly inspected.
The wrecked mini-van lies in a ditch.
VLADMIR
And all picnic items confiscated
and handed over to me immediately?
Understand?
ZOMBIE PARATROOPERS
Yes Sir!
VLADMIR's LIEUTENANT whispers in his ear.
LIEUTENANT
Sir, we promised the men some fresh
air and relaxation. These new
orders of yours aren't part of our
original mission's priority
objective.
Vladmir gets angry.
VLADMIR
How dare you question my orders.
Vladmir punches his Lieutenant in the stomach.
VLADMIR
Now. If that's all Lieutenant, I
suggest you from now do as your
ordered to. I will not tolerate
insubordination from any of my
officers, especially in front of my
men. Do you understand?
LIEUTENANT
Yes sir. Yes sir!
VLADMIR
Now, find me a god damn peanut
butter sandwich!
LIEUTENANT
Immediately sir.
CUT TO:
PATRICK'S FORMER CAMPSITE
The group looks scavenges for supplies.
PATRICK
Look for anything we can use as a
weapon. And get as much food as you
can.
Lea sees her sandwiches. She grabs them. And, when no one
else is looking, she pockets her jar of honey.
THOMAS
Look!
Thomas points to a truck parked nearby. It is a redneck
mobile with a gun rack.
THOMAS
Charlie, help me out.
Thomas and Charlie walk over to the truck. They spot the
truck's dead owner on the ground. In his hand is a 9mm
pistol. A bumper sticker reads They can have my gun when they
pry it for my cold dead fingers.
CHARLIE
Sorry buddy.
Charlie pries the gun from the dead man's hands. Thomas
reaches in the cab of the truck and grabs a shotgun and
sniper rifle inside. He also takes a couple of camouflage
hunting outfits.
Patrick sees an oncoming Paratrooper patrol.
PATRICK
Everyone! Hide!
Charlie and Thomas run back with the rest of the group to
hide behind some rocks. The Paratroopers forage through their
campsite again.
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER 1
Haven't we already been to this
one?
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER 2
It's where we found the last peanut
butter sandwich.
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER 3
Shut up and keep looking! I've got
to take a piss.
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER 3 walks over near where the group is
hiding. He unzips his pants. Lea sees his penis.
LEA
Wow.
JENNIFER
They camouflage everything don't
they?
Jennifer and Lea exchange smiles as Patrick nudges both of
them to shut up. Zombie Paratrooper 3 hears them and looks
over in their direction.
PATRICK
Fuck! He's coming.
Zombie Paratrooper 3 walks over to the hiding place. He peeks
his head over the rock and sees Patrick with a shotgun
pointed right at him.
Patrick fires the shotgun point blank, blowing the zombies
head clean off.
The two remaining Paratroopers run over as Zombie Paratrooper
3's body slides down the small embankment.
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER 2
He doesn't look so good.
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER 1
What happened?
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER 2
Someone blew his head off.
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER 1
Yeah I know but who? We've already
killed everyone.
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER 2
Maybe we should peek over the top
and see.
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER 1
You think that's a good idea?
Zombie Paratrooper 2 slaps Zombie Paratrooper 1.
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER 2
Was running into a burning nuclear
reactor with a wheelbarrow a good
idea? No it wasn't you idiot! Why
do we need to start having good
ideas now all the sudden? Go!
Zombie Paratrooper 1 peeks his head over the rock Patrick and
the others are hiding behind. His head is blown off as
expected.
Zombie Paratrooper 2 whimpers a little, then runs. Charlie
rises from behind the rock.
CHARLIE
Wolverines!
Zombie Paratrooper looks back, terrified.
PATRICK
What the fuck are you yelling?
CHARLIE
Wolverines! They're biting my foot.
Patrick looks over to see two large rats eating away at
Charlie's shoe.
PATRICK
Those aren't wolverines you idiot,
they're rats!
Patrick blows the two rats away with a single shotgun blast.
Thomas chases after the escaping Paratrooper.
CUT TO:
RAVINE
The Paratrooper continues to be chased. Patrick and Thomas
shoot at him but keep missing. Finally, they corner him at
the edge of a ravine.
THOMAS
I got him.
Thomas aims, fires, and still misses. Pissed, Patrick raises
his shotgun and fires too. Another miss. Charlie fires with
the 9mm and misses as well. They all fire in unison, and
still miss.
The Paratrooper starts getting cocky. He starts break
dancing, doing the running man, robot, and moon walking. He
enjoys teasing his pursuers and their lack of marksmanship.
Lea and Jennifer get angry.
LEA
Can't you guys shoot straight?
Fuck!
Lea and Jennifer reach down and grab some rocks. They begin
stoning the Paratrooper. After a couple of big rocks hit, he
falls to the ground unconscious. The girls look at the guys
in contempt.
All of the sudden, 2 HEADLESS PARATROOPERS grab Lea and
Jennifer. Charlie and Patrick kick the Paratroopers in their
butts to free the girls.
PATRICK
Lets get out of here!
INT. VLADMIR'S COMMAND TENT
A ham sandwich can be seen in the hands of Vladmir.
VLADMIR
Is this it?
The Lieutenant looks embarrassed.
VLADMIR
This is all you could find?
Silence. Vladmir begins striking his Lieutenant with the
sandwich, chasing him out of the tent.
EXT. VLADMIR'S COMMAND TENT
VLADMIR
You idiot!
LIEUTENANT
Sir there are no more. We looked
everywhere.
VLADMIR
Bullshit.
ZOMBIE OFFICER
Sir! One of our patrols has just
returned. They have information on
where more sandwiches could be
found.
The two headless Paratroopers and the Paratrooper beaten with
rocks stand before Vladmir.
VLADMIR
Well, what are you doing just
standing around for? Get your heads
out of your ass and move out.
One of the Headless Paratroopers tries to say something, but
only a stream of blood shoots out of his severed neck.
BEATEN ZOMBIE PARATROOPER
He says his head isn't in his ass
Sir. It's actually about 1000 yards
that way, by space number 7.
VLADMIR
Don't get smart. What happened to
them?
BEATEN ZOMBIE PARATROOPER
We were ambushed sir.
VLADMIR
By who?
BEATEN ZOMBIE PARATROOPER
Insurgents.
VLADMIR
Insurgents?
BEATEN ZOMBIE PARATROOPER
Yes Sir.
Vladmir grabs the Beaten Zombie Paratrooper by the collar.
VLADMIR
Did they have any peanut butter
sandwiches?
BEATEN ZOMBIE PARATROOPER
Yes sir. Affirmative Sir.
Vladmir throws him to the ground.
VLADMIR
Alright! Let's see if we can't find
these insurgents hiding in our
perimeter. I want patrols to be
doubled. And I, I am going to
assemble a small team and lead a
force recon into the surrounding
town. Root out any support for the
insurgency we find there. The rest
of you, maintain radio silence and
secure this objective until we
return.
LIEUTENANT
What about the insurgents here sir?
VLADMIR
Win their hearts and minds.
LIEUTENANT
Really?
VLADMIR
Sure. Rip them right out of their
bodies if you have to. Just win
them. Understood?
LIEUTENANT (SUBTITLE)
Understood.
Vladmir drives off with a small contingent of Paratroopers.
CUT TO:
NEARBY RIVER
Patrick is loading the shotgun. Charlie is seen putting on a
tree bark camouflage outfit. Thomas is applying camouflage
make up to his face. Lea and Jenny are fixing their hair and
putting on cosmetic makeup.
Patrick looks over at the girls. He notices the assault
rifles taken earlier lying next to them.
PATRICK
You girls might want to give us
those.
Lea puts down her lipstick and points the assault rifle at
Patrick, cocking it and removing the safety.
LEA
I think we can handle ourselves
just fine thank you.
PATRICK
(hands in the air)
OK. OK.
Patrick looks over at Thomas and Charlie.
PATRICK
Alright. It looks like we're going
to have to shoot our way out of
this.
JENNIFER
Who exactly are we shooting?
PATRICK
They didn't look Hispanic to me.
I'm guessing they're fucking
Canadians.
CHARLIE
I knew it! Those fucking bastards!
I knew they were planning
something. Just waiting for the
chance to invade us. Come fuck us
in the ass we weren't looking.
THOMAS
Russians.
PATRICK
The Russians?
THOMAS
My guess is they're an elite
Spetnaz unit somehow involved with
the Chernobyl nuclear disaster.
LEA
Does that explain how they can
still run around with their heads
blown off?
THOMAS
I guess so.
JENNIFER
Well how are we supposed to kill
them?
THOMAS
I don't know. How do you kill such
a highly trained and motivated
opponent?
CHARLIE
Canadians hate it when we beat them
at hockey. Maybe we can arrange a
hockey match or something and
whoever loses has to go home.
JENNIFER
Weren't you just listening? They're
not Canadians you idiot. They're
Russians.
CHARLIE
Well the Russians hate it when we
beat them at hockey too.
PATRICK
Freedom doesn't come without a
price.
Patriotic music plays as Patrick finishes his conversation.
PATRICK
Just like the minutemen of old
facing the Red Coats at Bunker
Hill, we'll have to look our enemy
in the eye and ask ourselves if
we've got what it takes to keep
this country free. This isn't the
first time America has faced such a
challenge. And it won't be the
last.
The group reflects on Patrick's speech.
THOMAS
You just gave me a hard on Patrick.
Several dozen bodies float by in the river. Lea and Jennifer
shriek and jump away from the water.
CHARLIE
My God.
Jennifer notices something further upstream.
JENNIFER
Look!
A couple of HIPPIES on inner tubes float down river. They
come closer to Jennifer and the others. Patrick, Thomas, and
Charlie point their weapons at them.
HIPPIE 1
What's up dudes?
HIPPIE 2
Yeah what's up dudes? Doing some
hunting?
PATRICK
What the hell are you guys doing?
HIPPIE 1
Catching some waves, that's all.
HIPPIE 2
Yeah man catching some waves, doing
some tripping.
CHARLIE
Don't you know what's happening?
There's a war going on!
HIPPIE 1
Dude the only war going on is the
war within your soul.
HIPPIE 2
Yeah brother. You need to lighten
up. Come trip with us man. We
picked the right shrooms. You guys
must've got a bad batch.
HIPPIE 1
Yeah why don't you guys join us.
Water's nice and warm.
Charlie spots an underwater mine in shallow water downstream.
CHARLIE
Holy shit. Look out! They've mined
the river!
HIPPIE 1
They what the river?
The Hippies float further away, making it harder to hear what
anyone is saying.
EVERYONE
Get out of the water! Get out of
the water! The river is mined!
HIPPIE 1
Dude they are really tripping.
HIPPIE 2
This ain't your river! It's
everyone's river! Fucking asshole!
HIPPIE 1
No man it's God's river. The Great
Spirit's.
HIPPIE 2
Oh yeah. Right.
Suddenly the two Hippies strike the mine and explode, sending
a torrent of water, inner tube, and hippie body parts flying
into the air.
Patrick and the others rush down to help. Hippie 2 is nowhere
to be seen. Hippie 1 is laying on the riverbank. Only his
head and upper torso remain intact. Parts of his inner tube
are embedded into him.
HIPPIE 1
Whoa. What happened to my trip man?
I feel a lot of negativity all the
sudden.
CHARLIE
You just hit an underwater mine.
You're friend, I think he's dead.
HIPPIE 1
He's dead? Are you sure he's not
just pretending? Hey, where did my
legs go?
The Hippie gets upset.
HIPPIE 1
Oh my god! Oh my god! My legs!
THOMAS
There's nothing wrong with your
legs. You're just having a bad
trip, that's all.
Hippie 1 calms down.
HIPPIE 1
Oh. Is that all? Ahh shit. For a
second there I couldn't maintain.
But I can. I've been here before. I
can handle my shit. No worries.
Everything's fine.
The sound of an incoming round can be heard. Hippie 2's
severed head and other body parts land around Hippie 1 and
the others.
HIPPIE 1
Ahhhh! Fuck!
THOMAS
Ok I lied. The Russians have
invaded and they're killing
everyone in sight. We tried to warn
you but it was too late. I'm sorry,
but we can't do anything for you.
LEA
We can't just leave him here.
THOMAS
What do you want us to do?
CHARLIE
Yeah. There's nothing we can do.
LEA
Wait.
Lea sees the bag of hallucinogenic mushrooms laying nearby.
She starts forcing down Hippie 1's throat.
LEA
I can at least give him something
to help with the pain.
The group begins to leave. Hippie 1 muffles something as they
leave.
PATRICK
What?
Hippie 1 tries again.
HIPPIE 1
Avenge me. Avenge me!
Patrick is deeply moved, but continues on. Hippie 1 is left
all by himself.
He begins feeling the effects of the mushrooms. He looks over
at the severed head of Hippie 2. It's eyes open and smile at
Hippie 1.
HIPPIE 2
Dude!
HIPPIE 1
Dude! What are you doing?
HIPPIE 2
Just hanging bro. Just hanging out
on the river. Down by the river.
HIPPIE 1
Yeah! Right on bro. Right on.
Patrick and the others are now a few hundred yards from the
riverbank. They stop and rest for a second.
JENNIFER
I can't go on.
LEA
We've got to.
PATRICK
If we get lost, we could die just
from hypothermia alone. We need to
stay by the campground and at least
scavenge for food and other
supplies.
THOMAS
What about going into town?
PATRICK
I don't remember seeing any town on
the way here.
CHARLIE
Remember when we stopped at that
little Mini-Mart?
PATRICK
Yeah. Yeah that'll work. We could
go there, use their phone or
something. Which direction is it?
THOMAS
I think it's this way.
Thomas moves on ahead. Patrick stops Charlie as he walks by.
PATRICK
Do you think he knows where it is?
CHARLIE
He is half Cherokee.
PATRICK
He is?
CHARLIE
Yeah.
PATRICK
What's the other half?
CHARLIE
Jewish.
PATRICK
Well, whether it's a fireworks
stand or bagel shop he finds I
don't care, as long we can use the
phone and get the word out before
it's too late.
Patrick and Charlie fall in behind the girls and follow them
out.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD
Vladmir and his troops drive down a country road, towards the
Cascadia Mini Mart. They pull into the parking lot and enter
the building.
STORE OWNER
Well, Well, howdy!
The Store Owner admires their uniforms and weapons.
STORE OWNER
Little late for turkey season don't
you think?
Vladmir grabs a bunch of bread and gives it to his troops to
hold. He continues on over to where the peanut butter should
be. He notices there isn't any. He motions to one of his
Paratroopers.
VLADMIR (SUBTITLE)
Do you see any?
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER (SUBTITLE)
No sir.
The Store Owner looks perplexed, but catches on.
STORE OWNER
We're all out of peanut butter.
Vladmir looks disappointed. He slowly walks up to the Store
Owner.
STORE OWNER
Afraid we went out as soon as the
weather got good and all the city
folk came up for a little camping.
It's usually the first thing we run
out of. That and that shitty
generic beer them people drink.
The Store Owner takes a sip from some awful, black label beer
with an animal drawn on the side of it.
STORE OWNER
I tell you what. I wish they
wouldn't drink that shit, I
wouldn't have to order it and be
stuck drinking it myself.
Vladmir seems more agitated.
STORE OWNER
Tell you what. Why don't you have
one of our fine corn dogs here.
The Store Owner points to a crusty old corn dog.
STORE OWNER
Or a burrito.
The Store Owner points to an even crustier old burrito.
STORE OWNER
They're real nice and warm. Got a
little mayo and mustard if you want
to spice them up a bit. Get a
little more mileage out of them
that way.
Vladmir sees a Paratrooper putting a frozen burrito in a
microwave.
VLADMIR
Come Here!
The Paratrooper quickly sets the microwave to start cooking
the burrito and runs back to Vladmir.
VLADMIR
Destroy this place!
The Store Owner spits out his beer. The Paratrooper shoots up
the store.
CUT TO:
WOODS OUTSIDE STORE
Thomas hears the gunfire and motions for everyone to halt. He
points to the Mini Mart in the distance.
THOMAS
Shit. They beat us to it.
The gunfire continues.
CUT TO:
INT. MINI MART
The Paratrooper runs out of ammunition. The microwave beeps
and he runs back over to grab his burrito. Vladmir and the
others begin exiting the building.
Suddenly, the Store Owner jumps up from behind the counter
and shoots Vladmir in the back. Vladmir turns around,
grimaces, and continues on out the store.
The Store Owner fires again. Vladmir again stops, but
continues on walking out.
The Store Owner fires one more time. This time, the bullet
hits a flask containing vodka in Vladmir's pocket. It's
contents spill onto the floor. Angry, Vladmir rushes the
Store Owner.
While pinning the Store Owner to the wall, Vladmir notices
something behind the counter. It is an open jar of peanut
butter and a half-eaten peanut butter sandwich.
STORE OWNER
Oh. Well, lookie there. I didn't
think you'd want an already opened
jar of the stuff. Hell I'd be
happy to make you a half sandwich-
Vladmir tightens his grip around the Store Owner's neck.
STORE OWNER
I mean, a whole sandwich if you'd
like. Hell I'll even throw in that
corn dog for free, what do you say?
Vladmir ponders the gesture of good will, then proceeds to
rip off the Store Owner's genitalia. Gallons of blood shoot
out from the Store Owner's crotch area, spilling onto the
floor below.
STORE OWNER
Ahh!
VLADMIR
Thank you for your kind offer. I
wouldn't think of taking your last
corn dog without finding a suitable
replacement.
Vladmir takes the corn dog and replaces it with the Store
Owner's severed penis. He then points to the sandwich.
VLADMIR
You done with this?
The Store Owner is in too much pain to respond.
VLADMIR
I guess so.
Vladmir exits the store with the sandwich and peanut butter.
He jumps in the truck with the rest of his men and leaves.
INT. MINI MART, MOMENTS LATER
Patrick and the rest of the group enter the Mini-Mart. They
are appalled at the devastation. Charlie tries to use the
phone, but it doesn't work.
THOMAS
Damn it! I got nothing.
PATRICK
Grab some food. Whatever you can
find.
Charlie notices the severed penis in the corn dog incubator.
CHARLIE
Anybody want this corn dog?
Patrick shakes his head no. So do the others.
THOMAS
Corn dogs give me gas.
CHARLIE
That's too bad. This one already
comes with ketchup on it.
Just before Charlie takes a bite out of the "corn dog",
Jennifer screams. The Store Owner's dead body can be seen.
Lea runs over.
LEA
They ripped his fucking dick off.
JENNIFER
What do you think they did with it?
A look of realization crosses Charlie's face. He drops the
corn dog and is suddenly very sick.
PATRICK
Charlie, what's wrong?
Charlie is unable to respond.
JENNIFER
Do you think they're going to have
sex with it?
LEA
Don't be stupid. How would you keep
it hard? It's hard enough for guys
to keep it hard even when it's
still attached to their bodies.
Haven't you ever tried to fuck a
guy with drunk dick?
JENNIFER
Maybe they're going to eat it or
something.
LEA
Gross. What kind of sick son of a
bitch would want to eat another
man's penis?
Charlie seems to be getting sicker by the second. Lea and
Jennifer's conversation is not helping him one bit. Patrick
tries to assist Charlie.
PATRICK
Are you going to be all right?
C'mon, let's get out of here.
LEA
What the fuck are we going to do?
Huh? It's over. I say surrender.
THOMAS
Fuck you! I'm not feeding anyone a
dick sandwich. If you want to put
pussy pie on the menu fine. But my
dick is staying out of anyone's
mouth.
Jennifer and Lea look at him sarcastically.
THOMAS
Well, you know what I mean.
PATRICK
Well, we came this far. There's no
point in turning back. Let's keep
looking for a town. We can't be
that far from civilization. Lets
get on the main road and start
walking till we find something.
Grab some food and water.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD
Patrick and the others are walking down the country road
outside the campground. They are carrying guns and other
supplies. An RV is seen in the distance.
LEA
Look, an RV!
The group begins whistling and hollering at the RV. It pulls
over.
RV DRIVER
Can I help you?
PATRICK
Sir you have to turn back
immediately and take us to the
nearest town to get some help. The
Russians have invaded and they're
killing everyone.
RV DRIVER
What the fuck are you talking
about?
LEA
Sir it's true.
EVERYONE
Yeah. It's true.
RV DRIVER
Do you think I traveled 500 miles
with my brand new bass boat in tow
The RV DRIVER points to a brand new bass boat he's hauling.
RV DRIVER (CONT'D)
just to have some wackos tell me I
can't use it? Are you a bunch of
crazy environmentalists or
something? Are you afraid I may
catch a big mouth bass and not
catch and release its ass?
PATRICK
Sir we're not environmentalists.
We're from Seattle and we just came
for the weekend to camp and-
RV DRIVER
Oh so you're from Seattle? Well
that explains everything.
THOMAS
The Russians are here, really sir.
RV DRIVER
Bullshit. The Russians wouldn't
invade us. Reagan would whoop their
asses.
CHARLIE
Reagan is dead sir.
RV DRIVER
Excuse me? What did you say?
CHARLIE
Reagan is dead sir.
RV DRIVER
Well who the hell is running the
country?
Hopefully somebody who likes
monkeys and has ties to big
business and the defense industry.
I tell you what boy, if I wasn't in
such a hurry I would come on out
this vehicle and beat your ass.
PATRICK
Honestly sir, if you keep heading
this way you're going to run right
into them.
RV DRIVER
Bullshit. Now fuck off all of you.
The RV driver speeds off.
CHARLIE
Well, that didn't go over very
well.
PATRICK
Let's keep moving.
EXT. PARK ENTRANCE
The RV driver pulls up to the park entrance. Some Zombie
Paratroopers are seen concealed nearby, manning a machine gun
nest.
PARATROOPER
Sir, we've got incoming. Should we
light them up?
The Lieutenant sees the RV through his own binoculars.
LIEUTENANT
Negative. Their cargo may be of use
to the Captain. Let them in. I'll
take care of it.
The Paratroopers do not engage. The RV sits at the entrance.
RV DRIVER
Well fuck it then I'll just go on
in.
The RV driver looks for a boat ramp. He finds one and backs
into it. He gets out and starts dropping the boat into the
water. The Lieutenant approaches.
LIEUTENANT
Good morning sir.
RV DRIVER
Good -
The RV driver hesitates at the sight of the Lieutenant.
RV DRIVER
Morning. You uh, you a military
man?
LIEUTENANT
That I am.
RV DRIVER
Huh. Well, I heard the strangest
thing. Some crazy-ass city folk
told me there were some Russians
running around killing people.
LIEUTENANT
City folk? Where did you see them?
RV DRIVER
About a mile or so outside the
campground.
LIEUTENANT
Excuse me for a moment.
The Lieutenant gets his radio.
LIEUTENANT
Captain.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD
Vladmir answers his radio.
VLADMIR
Yes?
LIEUTENANT
I've just received a report there
are insurgents operating in your
area.
Vladmir motions with his finger to turn the vehicle around
and head back the way they just came.
BOAT LAUNCH
RV DRIVER
I tell you, people say the darnest
things.
The RV Driver gets his boat in the water.
RV DRIVER
You work here right?
LIEUTENANT
I sure do.
RV DRIVER
You mind if I just leave my RV
parked here for a bit. I'm dying to
get out into the water.
LIEUTENANT
Sure. No problem. You didn't happen
to pack any peanut butter
sandwiches with you? Did you?
RV DRIVER
What are you kidding? I'm about to
catch me some big mouth bass. Don't
need to worry about bring anything
with me. Except this right here.
The RV driver pulls out a can of black label beer and takes a
sip.
RV DRIVER
Oh Yeah. Gonna be a good day.
The RV driver puts his line in. The Lieutenant snaps his
fingers and a bunch of camouflaged Paratroopers emerge from
their concealed surroundings. They were hidden all around the
Lieutenant and the RV driver without them knowing. The RV
driver is so preoccupied with his vacation he doesn't notice
them.
Suddenly, the RV driver gets a bite. He reels in the fish as
the Lieutenant gives a hand signal and the men aim their AK
47s at the RV Driver.
The RV driver reels in a big fish. He turns around to show
the Lieutenant.
RV DRIVER
Well I'll be, that was something
else. I-
The RV Driver turns around to show the fish. He sees the
armed men pointing their weapons at them.
RV DRIVER
I, I swear to god I was gonna renew
my freshwater license. I swear to
god I was. I was just in such a
hurry that's all. You want me to
let him go? I'll let him go. Catch
and release right?
As the RV driver releases the bass into the wild, he's blown
away by a horrendous outpouring of lead from the riverbank.
INT. CASCADIA MINI MART
The town SHERIFF, a serious looking man in his 50's, inspects
the damage done to the mini mart. A few of his DEPUTIES
examine the crime scene as well. The Sheriff notices the
severed penis inside the corn dog incubator.
SHERIFF
The things people will eat to avoid
a few extra carbohydrates in their
diet. My god what is this world
coming to.
DEPUTY
Sheriff, you better take a look at
this.
The Sheriff walks over to where the Store Owner lies dead. He
sees a gob of peanut butter on the counter. Some bread crumbs
are nearby.
SHERIFF
Now what kind of sick son of a
bitch would rip a mans genitalia
off and then eat his peanut butter
sandwich?
DEPUTY
A Satanist?
SHERIFF
Maybe. Or even worse...
A Pause.
SHERIFF
A Canadian.
Suddenly the Deputies reach for their guns and cock them.
DEPUTY
Where Sheriff? I don't see 'em!
SHERIFF
It's just a theory of mine right
now. But one thing's for certain.
Whoever did this is had to be from
the city. You know what people from
the city do with peanut butter
don't you?
DEPUTY
They rub it all over their little
sister's nipples?
The Sheriff seems weirded out by his Deputy's remark.
SHERIFF
No.
ANOTHER DEPUTY
They spread it on their asses and
let their dogs lick it off?
SHERIFF
No. Something much worse.
The Sheriff pauses for effect.
SHERIFF
They spread it on two slices of
bread and put a banana in between
them.
DEPUTY
Oh Lord!
ANOTHER DEPUTY
Hail Mary Mother of God.
SHERIFF
They call it a peanut butter and
banana sandwich.
The Deputy pumps his shotgun, chambering a round.
DEPUTY
We better find these bastards in a
hurry Sheriff. Jesus Almighty.
The Sheriff acknowledges him with a nod. He gets on his
walkie-talkie.
SHERIFF
Alright everyone listen up. Be on
the lookout for anything
suspicious. If you spot something
out of the ordinary report to me at
once.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD
TWO DEPUTIES are driving along a country road when Vladmir
and his troops drive by.
DEPUTY 2
Weren't we supposed to radio in
anything suspicious?
DEPUTY 1
What's so suspicious about them?
They're just doing a little turkey
hunting that's all.
DEPUTY 2
Turkey season's done over you
dummy.
Deputy 2 gives Deputy 1 an intense stare. Deputy 1 does a u
turn and turns on his siren. They catch up with Vladmir.
Vladmir pulls over. The two Deputies approach.
DEPUTY 1
Sorry to be a bother. License and
registration please.
Vladmir hands him his wallet. Everything is in Russian.
DEPUTY 1
I, I can't read any of this.
Uh...What's your name?
VLADMIR
Vladmir Petrovsky Drago.
DEPUTY 1
What?
VLADMIR
Just call me Vlad.
DEPUTY 1
Vlad? Oh. All right Vlad.
VLADMIR (SUBTITLE)
Good.
DEPUTY 1
OK. Listen, I don't see a
Washington State Drivers license
here. In fact, I can't read
anything at all. It's all in
Russian.
Deputy 2 spots an empty can of beer on the floorboard.
DEPUTY 2
You boys been drinking?
A Paratrooper burps.
DEPUTY 1
Well now let's not get all LAPD on
these guys, all right? Tell you
what, if the driver passes the
Breathalyzer we'll let all of you
go on your merry way.
The Deputy brings out the Breathalyzer.
DEPUTY 1
Just doing my job. I'm sure you'll
pass it just fine. Now breath out
for me.
Vladmir breathes into the Breathalyzer. Immediately the
device goes berserk with sound effects.
DEPUTY 1
Wow, some interesting readings
here. I'm not sure what to make of
them.
DEPUTY 2
Is he above the legal limit or not?
DEPUTY 1
Well, it's hard to tell. It says
here he's well below the legal
limit for intoxication. But,
well...
DEPUTY 2
Well what?
DEPUTY 1
Well he's reading over a million
rads of radioactivity. He's off the
charts! I haven't had readings this
high since we pulled over those
Hanford Engineers.
Deputy 1 scans the rest of the Paratroopers. They are all
highly radioactive.
DEPUTY 1
You boys from Hanford too?
VLADMIR
Hanford? Hanford is for wimps. If
you can't stand the heat then get
the hell out of the reactor, that's
my motto.
DEPUTY 1
What?
VLADMIR
Never mind. Say, after a day spent
shoveling cement into a burning
nuclear core, and having plutonium
in gaseous form sear your eyeballs
so bad that when you shut them you
can see still see in the dark,
well, me and the boys like to go
for long walks in the forest. We
drink a few beers, have a few
laughs, maybe sing some good ol'
patriotic songs. The old stuff,
back when the party was really
cranking out the hits.
Vladmir quickly leads his men in a rendition of the Soviet
national anthem.
VLADMIR
We're pretty harmless really. What
about you? Do you like to go for
long walks, all by yourself, with
just you and mother nature to talk
to?
DEPUTY 1
Sure I do.
VLADMIR
That's too bad. I'm afraid those
days are over.
Vladmir steps on the gas and runs over both of his feet.
DEPUTY 1
Ahhh!
Deputy 2 rushes to Deputy 1's aid. He then pulls out his gun,
but Vladmir backs up and runs over both of them before he can
fire it. The Paratroopers drive off.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD
Patrick and the others come across the dead Park Ranger
killed earlier.
PATRICK
My god.
LEA
He was so nice to us. I can't
believe they killed him.
THOMAS
You guys here that?
The sound of a vehicle approaching can be heard.
PATRICK
Cover!
The group takes cover. Vladmir and his troops drive by.
DRIVER
Captain, do we return to base or
keep looking for the insurgents?
VLADMIR
Keep looking. We can't allow news
of our arrival to leak out. Until
the rest of the Red Army reaches
us, we're on our own.
The Driver and the other troops exchange nervous glances.
DRIVER
Sir, are you sure the Red Army is
coming?
VLADMIR
Of course, don't be an asshole.
DRIVER
Sorry sir.
VLADMIR
It's OK. Your father was an asshole
too.
DRIVER
You knew my father?
VLADMIR
No.
DRIVER
Oh.
A pause.
DRIVER
Well sir, it's just that, it's just
that...well...
VLADMIR
What?
DRIVER
The cold war, it's...it's...
VLADMIR
Over?
DRIVER
Yes sir. Yes! I've been trying to
tell you. It's-
VLADMIR
It's a hot war now! Isn't it?
The Driver looks nervous.
VLADMIR
I've been trying to tell those
fools in Moscow that for years! But
no. They want to keep up
appearances for the UN. It was
Soviet pilots who flew the MIGS
over Korea. And every land war in
Asia for the last 50 years has been
fought using Soviet troops against
American, albeit covertly. I've
lived the lie too long. That
comrade, is the reason why we are
here! Now pull over. I've got to
take a piss.
Vladmir gets out of the truck and heads to the side of the
road. As he pisses, hot steam rises from the puddle.
The Driver points his gun at an unsuspecting Vladmir. He's
about to pull the trigger when Vladmir interrupts.
VLADMIR
Comrades, bring me some water!
The Driver reluctantly puts his gun away and brings Vladmir
his canteen. The Driver notices the piss pool bubbling from
its radioactivity.
VLADMIR
Make sure the men up their water
rations. We don't want them to get
dehydrated.
Vladmir drinks from the canteen. As he does, the bullet holes
in him leak water.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD
Patrick and the others are still by the corpse of the Park
Ranger.
PATRICK
You think they'll be back?
JENNIFER
Who cares? Everybody is fucking
dead. They're all fucking dead.
LEA
Maybe the whole country is like
this. Maybe it's already too late.
CHARLIE
You mean the Russians have already
won? It's only been a couple of
days.
PATRICK
America wouldn't fall that quickly.
JENNIFER
Maybe they used nukes.
CHARLIE
Seattle?
THOMAS
Gone.
JENNIFER
My family. They're all dead.
CHARLIE
You don't know that.
LEA
She's right. They're all dead.
Don't you see?
CHARLIE
Well there's no use crying about.
We've all lost something. I had
season tickets to the Seahawks. Do
you see me falling apart? No! Get
your shit together. We, we gotta.
Charlie gets a little teary-eyed too. Patrick runs over to
console him with a hug.
CHARLIE
She's right man. They killed
everyone. There's nobody left!
PATRICK
I know brother. I know. Don't cry.
Let it turn into something else.
CHARLIE
And this year was the best line-up
ever. Sports Ilustrated said we had
a shot at the super bowl. You know
what I mean?
PATRICK
Let it turn to something else. OK?
Let it turn it to something else.
Soon, Patrick is a balling mess too. Thomas approaches.
THOMAS
What are we going to do? What are
we going to turn it into?
Patrick grabs the shotgun from Thomas and pumps it
dramatically.
BEGIN MONTAGE
EXT. RIVER
Jennifer and Lea swim in the water nude. A couple of
Paratroopers on patrol spot them. Jennifer and Lea wave at
them and invite them into the water. As the Paratroopers rush
down and begin taking off their clothes, Patrick, Charlie,
and Thomas jump out of the water and shoot them down.
EXT. PARATROOPER CAMP
Lea fires on Paratroopers manning a defensive position.
Thomas and Charlie lay down covering fire as Jennifer tosses
a grenade into a tent containing sleeping Paratroopers. They
are killed by the explosion.
As Jennifer runs out, a Paratrooper aims his AK 47 at her. He
is killed by a single shot from Patrick's sniper rifle.
Jennifer reaches safety.
CUT TO:
EXT. COMMAND TENT
The Lieutenant runs out of his tent. He sees a SEARGENT
cowering nearby a tree.
LIEUTENANT
What's happening?
SEARGENT
We're taking heavy casualties.
LIEUTENANT
What do you mean you're taking
heavy casualties? You're a Zombie.
If you are already dead, how can
you be killed? How can you sustain
any casualties?
SEARGENT
You're right! What are we afraid
of?
The Seargent stands up. He looks at his troops.
ZOMBIE OFFICER
Follow Me!
Just as he turns around to lead the charge, Thomas fires his
grenade launcher.
The round hits the Seargent, exploding him into tiny bits.
The Lieutenant runs back into his tent to hide.
Thomas then gives a thumbs up to Patrick hiding nearby.
Patrick triggers claymore mines, causing multiple explosions
to erupt around the pinned down Paratroopers.
CUT TO:
INT. COMMAND TENT
The Lieutenant curls up into a fetal position as the mines go
off.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARATROOPER CAMP
Lea and Jennifer stop firing their machine gun and give each
other high-fives. The rest of the group cheers as well.
END MONTAGE
EXT. CASCADIA CAMPGROUND, COMMAND TENT
Vladmir drives up. He gets out of the truck and surveys the
devastation around him. Wounded Paratroopers await medical
attention. Fires are burning everywhere.
The Lieutenant salutes Vladmir meekly.
VLADMIR
What happened here?
LIEUTENANT
We were ambushed Sir. The
insurgents attacked again. We were
unprepared.
VLADMIR
You're a disgrace to the uniform!
Vladmir backhands the Lieutenant.
VLADMIR
Collect your men. Prepare defensive
positions for the evening. In the
morning, we will take care of this
little problem of yours.
We will crush this insurgency. Just
like we did in Afghanistan.
LIEUTENANT
Sir, we didn't win in Afghanistan.
The Americans did.
Vladmir slaps him again.
VLADMIR
I know that you fool! I'm trying to
raise the spirits of the men! Now
shut up! Don't you realize, nothing
lowers morale more than the so
called facts. If I wanted the facts
I'd make the men watch Al-Jazzera.
And what good would that do to help
us win? Don't you know anything
about modern land warfare?
LIEUTENANT
Sorry Sir. It's just that, well...
VLADMIR
What? What? So what if the
American's won. Why do you think it
was so easy for them to win huh? It
was because of us you idiot! All
those years planting mines,
dropping poison gas, abducting and
torturing political dissidents.
That and all of the other
humanitarian work we did made it
easy for them to win. The Taliban
Shmaliban. Try milking a dry goat's
tit in a Siberian snow storm! Now
that's hard work! We left
Afghanistan in disgrace but here,
here we will stay and finish what
we have started.
CUT TO:
NEARBY WOODS
Lea is on patrol, looking for supplies and watching out for
the enemy. She sees something in the sky that gets her
attention.
CUT TO:
ULTRA-LIGHT CRASH SITE
Lea walks cautiously by a parachute, then sees a figure lying
in the grass. Whoever it is appears unconscious.
Lea cocks her weapon. The man is startled by the sound and
rises to his feet, both hands in the air. His name is POWERS
BOOTY, and he is an ultra-light pilot.
POWERS
I'm awake I'm awake. Just take it
easy Missy. I don't mean no harm. I
just, I just crashed my Ultra Light
that's all. I'll be moving on soon.
Sorry if I'm tress passing. Just
need to rest a little, I think I
might of broke something.
Lea looks over at the crashed Ultra Light airplane.
LEA
Do you think you could fix it?
Repair it so it'll fly again?
POWERS
I don't know. It's pretty wrecked.
Can't we just call someone to come
get me?
LEA
Our cell phones don't work out
here.
POWERS
Well, I know there's a campground
nearby. Maybe someone there has-
LEA
They're all dead.
EXT. INSURGENT CAMPSITE, NIGHT
The group sits behind a roaring fire. They size up Powers.
Thomas inscribes his number of kills onto an AK-47 butt
stock.
POWERS
All the hate will burn you up kid.
THOMAS
Keeps me warm.
POWERS
You know what keeps me warm?
Powers proceeds to let out a vicious fart. Everyone laughs.
Lea hits Powers in the shoulder playfully. She is attracted
to Powers.
POWERS
How long have you guys been waging
this guerilla war?
PATRICK
A couple of days.
JENNIFER
Doesn't anybody else know what's
happening here?
POWERS
I'm afraid not.
CHARLIE
But it's fucking World War 3 man.
The Russians are here!
POWERS
I know. It's only a matter of time
before they reinforce over the
Bering Sea. Probably send in 6 more
divisions. Not to mention we can't
count on the Canadians to help us
out. God damn socialist. Anyone who
gets free health care can't be
trusted.
Powers spits into the fire, causing the flames to rise
violently.
PATRICK
Is there some way we can get the
word out? Maybe get some help here?
POWERS
Like the Green Berets?
PATRICK
Yeah.
POWERS
I used to be a Green Beret.
PATRICK
You did?
POWERS
Yes sir.
PATRICK
How long were you one?
POWERS
Oh about 3 years. Then one day, I
saw an episode of Queer Eye for the
Straight Guy and realized green
wasn't my color. So I switched to a
blue beret.
The group seems confused.
POWERS
Look, I think there is enough spare
tent parts around this campground
that we could use to fix my Ultra
Light.
Powers pauses to reflect.
POWERS
Campground. I don't know if you can
even call it that anymore. It isn't
any more a campground than Aushwitz
was a place to have a picnic.
THOMAS
Or Chernobyl.
POWERS
Right. Chernobyl. Aren't you a
little young to know about
Chernobyl?
THOMAS
I was a history major.
POWERS
Well I'll be. Then you must know
about the elite special forces unit
the Russkies sent in during the
first few hours of the disaster.
THOMAS
I don't. Well, actually I was
thinking that-
POWERS
No of course you don't. That's
because colleges are run by
Communists. And it was the
Communists who sent those brave
soldiers in to shovel cement while
a billion rads of radiation
microwaved their balls. It's the
Communists who want us to forget
the real heros that day. Ahhh
forget it!
Powers is upset.
POWERS
God I miss the cold war.
THOMAS
What happened to those guys?
POWERS
Suffered a 100% casualty rate.
Never were seen again.
THOMAS
How would you like to re-write
history?
POWERS
What are you talking about?
Thomas just smiles. Charlie interrupts.
CHARLIE
What's life like on the other side?
POWERS
What's it like?
JENNIFER
Yeah what's been happening? We've
had no contact with anyone.
POWERS
We took a hard hit in the economy.
DOW is down. NASDAQ is at an all
time low. The price of a non fat
latte jumped from 4 to 7 dollars in
some cities.
The group lets out a gasp.
POWERS
Nowadays when you cruise for a
whore you've got to double check
the merchandise first before
letting them jump in your car. God
Damn sons of bitches been dressing
up in women's panties trying to
find work. I tell you. It used to
be so easy. Now all you can do is
hope you find a dark enough alley
and pray he doesn't have any
stubble.
LEA
Do you think your Ultra-Light will
be able to fly us all out when it's
fixed?
POWERS
That I can do. And I can tell you
who my first passenger is going to
be.
Power touches her nose. Lea smiles warmly. The rest of the
group seems creeped out.
INT. POWER'S TENT - LATER
Powers tries to fall asleep. Lea walks in, scantily clad.
POWERS
Well look who decided to pay a
visit.
LEA
Daddy's girl.
Powers seems weirded out by her statement.
POWERS
Sure. Daddy's girl. Right.
A beat.
POWERS
Do you mind if Daddy checks to see
if you've been naughty?
LEA
No! Of course not!
Powers starts unbuttoning her pants.
POWERS
OK. You must have a history of
sexual abuse I'm guessing, probably
from a male figure in the family.
Your father perhaps?
Lea nods and smiles approvingly.
POWERS
Right. And I'm going to pretend
that's not a problem for me and
take advantage of the situation I
find myself in. OK?
LEA
You can shut up anytime.
POWERS
OK I'll stop talking now.
CUT TO:
EXT. POWER'S TENT
Lea and Powers laugh and start making love. The rest of the
group prepares for bed.
JENNIFER
Gross.
CHARLIE
Are we going to have to hear that
all night?
PATRICK
We need to all get some sleep.
Tomorrow we're going to try and
make a run for it again. Look for
the nearest town.
THOMAS
If there are any towns left.
JENNIFER
Do you have to be such a pessimist?
THOMAS
I'm a History major. I can't help
it. People will always be cruel to
one other. Nothing changes.
JENNIFER
What's cruel is listening to them
go at it all night.
Jennifer hears Powers let out another fart from inside the
tent.
JENNIFER
See what I mean?
Jennifer runs inside her tent.
EXT. COUNTRY ROADSIDE - NEXT DAY
The Sheriff is standing near the location where his two
Deputies were run over the day before.
SHERIFF
Get Up. C'mon now get up!
DEPUTY
Uh Sheriff, they're dead.
SHERIFF
What?
DEPUTY
They were run over.
SHERIFF
How do you know that?
DEPUTY
One of them has a tire track on
their head sir.
A tire track can be seen on the heads of the two dead
deputies.
SHERIFF
You're right. I thought maybe they
were just sleeping on the job.
ANOTHER DEPUTY
Sheriff you better come take a look
at this.
The Deputy has a pair of binoculars. He hands them to the
Sheriff. Vladmir and his troopers are seen drilling.
SHERIFF
Well I'll be. Looks like the
Canadians have invaded.
ANOTHER DEPUTY
Do we call in the Army?
SHERIFF
A soldier's got better things to do
than to get killed.
ANOTHER DEPUTY
Like what?
SHERIFF
I don't know. Like getting a
college education and not allowing
the industrial military complex
that runs this country from
exploiting them and using them as
human fodder in their wars of
conquest and global economic
imperialism.
The Sheriff hands the dumbfounded Deputy back his binoculars.
SHERIFF
Nope. This is a job for the
Cascadia County's Sheriff's
department. Our country needs us
men. Let's answer her cry for help.
Saddle up!
EXT. CASCADIA CAMPGROUND VOLLEYBALL COURTS
The Insurgents crawl on their bellies, trying to sneak out of
the Campground. The song "Playing With the Boys" by Kenny
Loggins suddenly can be heard playing in the distance.
PATRICK
What the fuck?
POWERS
What?
PATRICK
You hear that?
Everyone listens. They can hear it too. Patrick motions with
his hands to keep moving forward.
They crawl a little further and come across a volleyball
court where some Paratroopers are playing the game. They are
all wearing only g-string thong underwear.
THOMAS
Holy Shit. Will you look at that.
The Paratroopers continue to play volleyball in the distance.
They are unaware of the insurgents. One of the Paratroopers
sprays water all over the body of another soldier. Another
Paratrooper snaps a soldier with a wet towel.
CHARLIE
They look like a bunch of fags.
POWERS
Nonsense.
A Paratrooper is seen slapping another guy's ass.
CHARLIE
Nonsense huh.
POWERS
Yeah. Nonsense. They're a close
knit group that's all. Their bonds
of brotherhood have been forged by
fire and the heat of battle. They'd
lay down their lives for one
another. They're all real tight.
Powers checks out the naked ass of one of the Paratroopers as
he showers near the restroom.
POWERS
Real tight.
Powers then sees something. He motions for the binoculars and
looks through them. He sees the insignia of the Spetznaz on a
beret.
POWERS
Well I'll be.
Powers gives the binoculars to Thomas to look through.
POWERS
Those guys did make it out.
THOMAS
Crazy huh? If they survived a
burning nuclear reactor, how the
hell are we supposed to kill them?
POWERS
Now that's the million dollar
question.
PATRICK
Are they the Chernobyl survivors?
POWERS
Sure are. You guys should be proud
of yourselves going up against
these guys and surviving.
A bunch of Paratroopers hug each other after scoring a point.
CHARLIE
Hey, as long as we don't have to
play volleyball with them, I'm
fine.
Patrick examines the Volleyball court carefully.
PATRICK
We can't take those aluminum poles
while these guys are here. Let's
move out.
The group begins crawling, trying to move past the
Paratroopers undetected.
A couple of Paratroopers having gay sex nearby spot the
insurgents.
GAY PARATROOPER TOP (SUBTITLE)
Hey! Comrades!
POWERS
Shit. We've been spotted.
The insurgents open fire on the gay couple but miss. They
then focus their fire on the Paratroopers on the court. A
bullet hits the volleyball and explodes it in mid-air as the
rest of the Paratroopers run for their weapons.
THOMAS
They're trying to outflank us!
Several Paratroopers are seen moving through some underbrush.
PATRICK
Pull back!
POWERS
Pull back? If we don't stand and
fight now, we'll never get out of
here.
PATRICK
I don't want to risk these guys
taking us prisoner. You've seen
what they do to each other. Imagine
what they'll do to us.
POWERS
What will they do?
CHARLIE
They'll make Abu Grahib seem like
your freshman year in high school.
That's what they'll do! I'm outta
here!
Patrick notices the concern on Powers's face.
PATRICK
Let's just hope we can your plane
to fly again. Let's go.
The group shoots their way out and escapes.
EXT. COMMAND TENT
The Lieutenant is on the radio. He seems excited. He rushes
inside Vladmir's command tent.
INT. COMMAND TENT
Vladmir is bent over and a dog is licking peanut butter off
his ass. The Lieutenant clears his throat to get Vladmir's
attention. Vladmir looks up, embarrassed.
VLADMIR
Uh. I was just teaching this dog
how to sniff out any suspicious
packages that might have been
placed around the camp by the
insurgents.
LIEUTENANT
Yes sir. I understand sir. One of
our patrols has made contact with
the enemy sir.
VLADMIR
Really? That's great. Uh. Let's get
2nd platoon on the move. Have them
link up with 3rd.
Just then, a voice comes over a loudspeaker outside.
SHERIFF(OS)
Alright you God Damn Duddly-Do
Right Mounty motherfuckers. Drop
your guns and come out with your
hands up.
CUT TO:
OUTSIDE PERIMETER
The Sheriff is speaking through the loudspeaker.
SHERIFF
We wouldn't want to have to
increase the number of Canadian gun
deaths this year from 13 to over a
100 now would we? You hearing me?
CUT TO:
INSIDE COMMAND TENT
VLADMIR
When did the Canadians invade?
LIEUTENANT
I don't know sir.
Vladmir exits the tent without his pants, and has a huge
boner showing in his underwear. The Sheriff notices.
SHERIFF
My oh my.
VLADMIR
I'm sorry but we have no weapons
here.
SHERIFF
What do you call that thing in your
pants there? Your pet mongoose?
VLADMIR
What are you talking about?
SHERIFF
On your hands and knees asshole!
Vladmir winks to his Lieutenant. The Lieutenant reaches
behind his waist and pulls out an assault weapon and fires
it.
EXT. WOODS
The insurgents march through some underbrush, trying to
remain undetected. The sound of breaking branches can be
heard.
CHARLIE
What is that?
PATRICK
I don't know.
The sounds continue. Patrick notices something unusual.
PATRICK
There!
Patrick runs over to a small clearing where a primitive
shelter has been constructed. The Environmentalist from
earlier is seen trying to put some finishing touches on it.
He looks haggard, and is wearing underwear made of moss.
ENVIRONMENTALIST
Ahh! Please don't kill me! Please!
The Environmentalist recognizes Patrick.
ENVIRONMENTALIST
Wait a minute. I know you from
somewhere. Yes. Yes. You are the
fish killers. I remember now. That
was so long ago.
CHARLIE
It's only been 3 days.
ENVIRONMENTALIST
Well, when you run out of water and
are forced to drink your own urine,
time seems to stand still, trust
me. I feel like I've been in these
woods forever. But alas! I am one
with mother nature finally. Oh have
I learned to love her so.
The Environmentalist sniffs some moss on a tree nearby. He
offers it to the insurgents.
ENVIRONMENTALIST
Want some?
PATRICK
No thanks. Where's your dog?
The Environmentalist looks over at a makeshift grave. He sobs
a little.
ENVIRONMENTALIST
He was caught in the crossfire
during the initial attack. God I
miss him. I have moved on however.
I've made new friends. Forest
friends if you will. I've become
quite close to one in particular.
Lea notices a slug crawling on a log nearby. She motions for
Jennifer to step on it.
ENVIRONMENTALIST
His name is...
Jennifer squashes the slug. The Environmentalist sees her do
it.
ENVIRONMENTALIST
Sluggy! Ahhh!
Patrick covers the Environmentalist's mouth.
PATRICK
Do you want to get us all killed?
Huh?
The Environmentalist is in shock.
CHARLIE
Let's get out of here.
PATRICK
What about him?
CHARLIE
Fuck him man. Fuck him.
Thomas cocks his weapon.
THOMAS
You want me to kill him?
PATRICK
No, look. Americans never leave a
man behind. He's an American, we
should take him with us. He's
lasted this long, he maybe of some
use to us.
CHARLIE
Whatever man he's a freak. You saw
the way he sniffed that moss. The
guys been eating tree bark to stay
alive. He loves it here. Let him
stay.
PATRICK
What, and let the first Russian
patrol that comes along find out
how many of us there are, our last
heading and direction? He's coming
with us.
Patrick muscles the Environmentalist away from the shelter
and the insurgents move out.
CHARLIE
If you so much as fart without me
saying so I'll have you hanging by
your nuts upside down from a tree.
ENVIRONMENTALIST
Promise?
Charlie goes to strike him. Patrick intervenes and gets into
a little scuffle with Charlie.
ENVIRONMENTALIST
You guys should hear my new song.
It's called tree hugger. Tree
hugger! Walking the trails with the
snakes and the snails. Tree hugger!
EXT. ULTRA LIGHT CRASH LANDING SITE
Powers duct tapes a piece of tent piping to his restored
Ultra-Light plane. Lea and the others are helping him.
THOMAS
Hey old man, catch.
Thomas throws a football to Powers. As he catches it, Lea
tackles him.
POWERS
Now aren't you a feisty one!
Powers tickles Lea off of him. He then continues to try and
fix the Ultra-Light.
Patrick looks flustered at the progress Powers is making.
PATRICK
Is it going to fly again or what?
POWERS
She sure is. She sure is.
PATRICK
Good. We're running out of time.
Powers goes over to the lawn-mower sized engine. He pulls on
the draw string a few times.
POWERS
C'mon now. Don't fail me now.
Charlie notices the Environmentalist nearby acting nervous.
CHARLIE
What's wrong?
ENVIRONMENTALIST
Nothing. I'm fine. Really.
Thomas walks over to Charlie.
THOMAS
What's do you think?
CHARLIE
I don't trust him.
THOMAS
He's harmless.
Powers pulls a few more times and the engine starts. Everyone
erupts into cheers.
Suddenly, a burst of gunfire rips through Jennifer's jacket.
Lea lets out a scream.
PATRICK
Everybody get down!
A few hundred yards away a squad of Paratroopers ambush the
group. Thomas and Charlie return fire. Patrick grabs a
wounded Jennifer and pulls her to safety.
Powers gets in the Ultra Light and puts on his seat belt.
LEA
Where are you going? You can't
leave us here!
POWERS
Sorry bitch, you're damaged goods.
Lea attempts to jump on the Ultra-Light. Powers kicks her
off.
POWERS
Daddy done you wrong. It's not my
problem.
LEA
What?
POWERS
Thanks for the memories.
Powers waves at Lea and puts his finger under his nose,
sniffing it. He can still smell the scent of Lea's pussy.
Powers throttles the engine and tries taking off.
John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High" begins playing.
Lea falls down, crying. The battle rages on behind her.
A blast of machine gun fire tears into the Ultra Light,
causing Powers to lose control of it.
LEA
No!!!!!!
Power's Ultra-Light crashes into a tree, killing him
instantly. Lea runs over to the crash site. Charlie, after
shooting several Paratroopers, runs to Lea's side.
CHARLIE
He's dead. We gotta go. C'mon.
LEA
We have to help him.
CHARLIE
I'm telling you he's dead. They
John Denver'd his ass. Let's go!
LEA
Daddy!
Charlie pulls Lea away from the wreckage. Patrick fires his
weapon with Jennifer on his back. Thomas pins down advancing
Paratroopers. Thomas then retreats with the rest of the group
into some thick underbrush.
EXT. NEAR CRASHED ULTRA-LIGHT
Patrick lays down a mortally wounded Jennifer.
JENNIFER
It's cold Patrick. I'm so cold.
PATRICK
I know honey. I know.
Jennifer stares at the gun in Patrick's hand.
JENNIFER
Make it stop.
PATRICK
You know I can't do that.
JENNIFER
Please. Please. It hurts so much.
Patrick points his pistol at Jennifer's head.
PATRICK
I cant. I just cant.
Patrick tries again. This time it looks like he just might do
it.
JENNIFER
Wait. Patrick. I think I stopped
the bleeding.
PATRICK
You did?
Patrick looks down. Jennifer's blood stained hand keeps the
wound from bleeding out.
PATRICK
That's great. That's great!
In the excitement of the moment Patrick de-cocks the gun a
little too quickly. It misfires, blowing Jennifer's head off.
PATRICK
Ahh! Jenny! Jenny! What have I
done? Oh my god! Oh my god!
EXT. VLADMIR'S COMMAND TENT
The fire fight continues to rage between the Sheriff's men
and the Paratroopers.
DEPUTY
They shot me in the arm Sheriff!
SHERIFF
Well, use the other one then.
The Deputy gets shot in his other arm as soon as the Sheriff
finishes speaking.
DEPUTY
They done now shot me in both arms!
SHERIFF
You pussy! All you can sit there
and do is cry and whine when the
very principles this republic
stands for are under attack by the
forces of evil itself?
DEPUTY
But Sir I can't move my arms!
SHERIFF
I know what you can do.
The Sheriff takes a hand grenade from his pocket and puts it
into the Deputy's mouth.
SHERIFF
For God and country. What do you
say?
The Sheriff pushes him into the fire storm. The Deputy makes
it to the command tent despite being shot several times,
blowing himself and it up. The Lieutenant and Vladmir take
cover nearby.
LIEUTENANT
I don't know if we can hold this
position much longer.
VLADMIR
We'll regroup on the riverbank.
Order a tactical retreat.
LIEUTENANT
Yes Sir.
EXT. NEAR CRASHED ULTRA LIGHT
Lea, Charlie, and Patrick stand over the body of Jennifer.
Thomas is inscribing on a rock nearby the names of Powers and
Jennifer with a piece of chalk.
CHARLIE
What are you doing?
THOMAS
Making a memorial to them. So
people will never forget.
LEA
Their sacrifices?
THOMAS
No. Jennifer still owes me an
energy bar. And Powers bet me 20
bucks Lea was still a virgin.
LEA
Fuck you!
Lea hits Thomas. She then begins weeping but finds comfort on
Charlie's shoulder. Thomas looks to Patrick.
THOMAS
What do we do now?
PATRICK
I don't know. I say we head down to
the riverbank. Try to make some
kind of raft out of the driftwood.
When night comes, we try and sneak
out of here by floating down the
river.
THOMAS
We can't all fit on one raft.
PATRICK
I know. That's why me and Charlie
are staying. We'll cause a
diversion.
LEA
You can't do that. You have to come
with us.
CHARLIE
No he's right. Someone has got to
make it out of here alive. Someone
has to tell our story.
THOMAS
I'm coming with you guys.
PATRICK
No. Me and Charlie can hold them
off. You should get out of here
too.
THOMAS
No. There's nothing for me on the
outside. I'll make my stand here,
with my brothers.
Thomas grabs Charlie and Patrick and hugs them both. Lea
sobs. Charlie looks over at the Environmentalist sitting
nearby.
CHARLIE
What about him?
LEA
What about him?
CHARLIE
He led them to us.
PATRICK
Charlie just calm down. He did no
such thing.
CHARLIE
Oh yeah?
Charlie walks over to the Environmentalist. He rips his moss
underwear off. A transmitter is seen wrapped around the
Environmentalist's waist.
CHARLIE
I knew it! Shit!
Everyone is shocked. Lea, Thomas, and Patrick walk over.
PATRICK
How could you?
LEA
Jennifer's dead because of you!
Patrick sobs a little. He pulls out a pistol and points it at
the Environmentalist.
ENVIRONMENTALIST
No. Please. I'm begging you. I had
no choice.
The Environmentalist begins crying.
ENVIRONMENTALIST
They did things. They did things
you couldn't imagine.
THOMAS
Like what?
The Environmentalist can hardly speak he is so overcome with
emotion.
ENVIRONMENTALIST
They took a glass bottle I was
drinking out of, and they
put...they put...they put it...
The Environmentalist cannot finish.
CHARLIE
What?
ENVIRONMENTALIST
They put it in a dispenser labeled
trash only and not in the bin used
for glass recycling.
Enraged, Patrick cocks his gun.
ENVIRONMENTALIST
Please no! Please! I'm an American,
remember? I'm one of you!
Patrick tries to pull the trigger, but can't. Instead, he
breaks down crying. Thomas shoots the Environmentalist,
shocking everyone. The Environmentalist grabs a hold of
Thomas and slides down him, leaving blood on Thomas's jacket.
Patrick collects himself.
PATRICK
C'mon. We've gotta get out of here.
EXT. RIVERBANK - LATER
The remaining Paratroops march to the riverbank.
VLADMIR
Alright men. Dig in. We'll
counterattack at dawn.
The Paratroops begin digging in.
LIEUTENANT
Our quick reaction force has just
returned. They report 2 confirmed
enemy kills.
VLADMIR
Insurgents?
LIEUTENANT
Outstanding.
VLADMIR
I want them all to receive the
Order of Lenin for their bravery.
The highest honor that can be
bestowed upon a citizen of our
blessed Soviet Union.
LIEUTENANT
I'll contact Moscow and let them
know.
VLADMIR
Excellent.
LIEUTENANT
Oh, there's just one thing.
VLADMIR
What's that?
LIEUTENANT
There is no more Soviet Union.
VLADMIR
What? Nah.
LIEUTENANT
I'm afraid so sir.
VLADMIR
You're kidding!
LIEUTENANT
I'm not sir.
VLADMIR
Well, when are the rest of the
divisions going to roll in?
LIEUTENANT
There are no more divisions. There
is no more Soviet Army. No more
Warsaw Pact. Every country has
seceded from the union and formed
their own armies. The Ukrainians
have their own army. The
Lithuanians have their own army.
Even the Poles have their own army.
VLADMIR
The Poles have their own army?
LIEUTENANT
Yes sir.
VLADMIR
Dear God. Well, send my request to
Moscow anyway. Tell them that the
spirit of the Soviet Union still
beats strong in the hearts of my
men. And no army, however Polish it
may be, stands to rob us of our
dignity. Understood?
LIEUTENANT
Yes Sir.
Vladmir approaches his men and sees them digging their fox
holes. He weeps and cries a little, then breaks out into song
as his men dance around him.
BEGIN SONG:
VLADMIR
Comrades. I've got some awful news.
It's given me red army blues. And I
don't want to believe it's true. I
ask of you. What it is you were
born to be. What is your destiny.
The motherland is calling you. I'm
a Soviet Man, from a Soviet Land.
Doing the best any comrade can. And
I don't care what those capitalist
say. The motherland is here to
stay. And if you don't back off and
give us our way. We got a couple
ICBMs heading your way.
An Inter-Continental Ballistic Missile rises out of the
ground nearby Vladmir.
VLADMIR
And I'll gladly trade my Porsche,
for another bowl of borsch. And I'd
give you my left nut, to be sent to
the Eastern front. Oh Yeah!
An instrumental interlude occurs as Vladmir heads over to
pick a flower. The rest of the Paratroopers keep dancing.
VLADMIR
Reagan is dead and I don't give a
damn. As far as I'm concerned
Mikhail was the man. He didn't put
up with shit from that monkey
loving freak. And that mark on his
head, it looked really neat. We
drink a lot of vodka when we toast.
Re-education camps from coast to
coast. But what I like about my
Soviet Union the most, is all the
accomplishments, we get to boast.
The first human being, into space.
Killed more of our own citizens,
than any other place. I'm a Soviet
Man, from a Soviet Land. Doing the
best any comrade can. And I don't
care what those capitalist say. The
motherland is here to stay. And if
you don't back off and give us our
way.
Another shot of an ICBM taking off.
VLADMIR
We got a couple ICBMs heading your
way. And I'll gladly trade my
Porsche, for another bowl of
borsch. And I'd give you my left
nut, to be sent to the Eastern
front. Oh Yeah!
END SONG
CUT TO:
WOODS NEARBY
The unsuspecting insurgents approach the entrenched
Paratroopers, who have just finished singing. A Paratrooper
digging his foxhole sees them in the distance.
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER
Insurgents. 10 o clock.
He alerts the other Paratroopers nearby. They immediately
stop what they're doing and prepare to defend themselves.
VLADMIR
What's happening?
LIEUTENANT
We've spotted the insurgents.
VLADMIR
Good. Good. Have you seen that dog
of mine around?
LIEUTENANT
No sir. I haven't. We did bring
some bread if you'd like to make
yourself a sandwich.
VLADMIR
Oh. Right.
The insurgents get closer. Suddenly, a burst of gunfire rings
out, hitting Charlie square in the chest and dropping him to
the ground.
Another shot hits Patrick in the leg, dropping him. Thomas
lays down cover fire, giving Patrick a chance to help his
brother. Patrick sees Lea preparing to shoot.
PATRICK
Stay down. Just stay down.
Patrick grabs Charlie, but is soon pinned down. Patriotic
music plays as Thomas heroically stands up to divert fire
away from Patrick and Charlie.
Thomas decimates the Paratroopers' front line, but is shot
repeatedly in the process. Yet he remains standing, giving
Patrick a chance to carry Charlie to safety.
Patrick gets hit again. Thomas charges the front line and is
finally killed.
PATRICK
Stay with me Charlie. You're going
to make it. You're going to make
it!
Patrick cradles his brother like a baby. They are both
bleeding to death. Vladmir walks over to them and raises his
AK-47.
Patrick stares stoically ahead at Vladmir. Vladmir hesitates
killing him, and lowers his weapon.
A Paratrooper spots Lea in some bushes nearby.
ZOMBIE PARATROOPER
Sir. A survivor.
The Paratroopers rush over to Lea. She fights off her
attackers as best as possible. Vladmir comes over.
VLADMIR
Well. Look at what we have here.
Now what are we going to do with a
pretty girl like you?
LEA
Die you freak!
VLADMIR
Well first of all we're going to
give you a tic-tac or something for
that breath of yours.
Lea spits on him.
VLADMIR
And then we're going to eat your
titties. Come with me!
Lea attempts to again break free, to no avail.
CUT TO:
NEARBY CAMPSITE
The Paratroopers are gathered around in a semi circle. They
look at Lea longingly. Some have their hands in their pants.
VLADMIR
I got some good news and some bad
news for you honey.
Lea looks uncomfortable.
VLADMIR
Good news is, 10 million rads of
radioactivity have made our sperm
swim retarded. They no longer know
upstream from downstream. So, the
chances of one of us getting you
pregnant is slim to none.
Lea starts to cry.
VLADMIR
The bad news is, we all now suffer
from 6 to 7 hour erections. Now,
are you ready to party or what
little girl?
Lea fights with Vladmir. In the ensuing struggle the jar of
honey drops out of her pocket. Vladmir sees it on the ground
below.
VLADMIR
Well now, what do we have here?
Vladmir grabs the jar of honey. The Paratroopers stop ogling
Lea for a moment and examine what Vladmir is holding.
VLADMIR
Honey. Wonderful sweet tasting
honey.
Lea looks up, confused.
VLADMIR
You've been holding out on us here
darling.
The Paratroopers unzip their pants and walk towards Lea.
VLADMIR
Stop! Hold it right there. I think
we owe ourselves a little victory
sandwich first, don't you think?
What do you say men? How about a
little honey on our peanut butter
sandwiches, to celebrate?
The Paratroopers let out a cheer. Vladmir unscrews the jar of
honey and sticks a knife into it. He starts spreading it onto
a loaf of bread his Lieutenant has brought for him.
Soon, all the Paratroopers are passing around the jar and
putting the honey on their peanut butter sandwiches.
Lea looks on in indifference. Vladmir prepares to take the
first bite.
VLADMIR (SUBTITLE)
Cheers!
ZOMBIE PARATROOPERS (SUBTITLE)
Cheers!
They begin eating. Suddenly, one of the Paratroopers barfs.
Then another.
VLADMIR
What's wrong?
Soon more and more began barfing. Then, they begin going into
epileptic seizures. Vladmir himself grabs his throat and
tries holding himself back from throwing up. He eventually
pukes as well, and falls to the ground spasming.
Lea realizes what is happening.
LEA
You dumb motherfuckers!
More Paratroopers fall to the ground.
LEA
That shit has Agent Orange in it.
Vladmir nearly chokes to death on his own vomit.
VLADMIR
Did you say Agent Orange?
LEA
Yeah?
VLADMIR
Why didn't you say something about
that before we started eating the
sandwiches you bitch!
LEA
I didn't think it would matter.
VLADMIR
Well look at us now bitch! It
matters all right. Agent Orange is
the only thing that can kill us.
That can kill a soldier. Even the
undead. Like us.
LEA
Cool.
VLADMIR
Fuck you I'll show you cool.
Vladmir reaches for his gun. Just then a load of shit spray
shoots out of his ass.
LEA
Gross!
VLADMIR
Kiss my ass!
LEA
Not after you just did that.
VLADMIR
No really. I insist.
Lea walks over to the dying Vladmir. The other Paratroopers
are suffering a similar fate.
LEA
You thought you could come here and
kill all of us. Take away our land.
Our freedom. Don't you know? This
is America bitch. Home of the free.
Land of the brave.
VLADMIR
Fuck You!
LEA
You're pathetic. A little honey on
your sandwich and you just go to
shit on me.
Another blast of ass spray shoots out of Vladmir's butt.
LEA
See what I mean? Look at you.
Vladmir struggles for an few more seconds of life. Lea squats
down on the ground next to him.
LEA
You killed my friends fucker.
Lea sees the jar of honey lying nearby. She grabs it and
starts pouring the rest of it down Vladmir's mouth. He lets
out a final scream, then dies.
Just then, the Sheriff and his surviving Deputies arrive. The
Sheriff sees the dead corpses, then spots Lea.
SHERIFF
My God. Are you all right?
Lea sobs. She turns around and sees the bodies of her friends
lying nearby.
LEA
No.
SHERIFF
Come here.
The Sheriff tries to console her as best as possible. The
Deputies survey the battlefield.
SHERIFF
I know this probably isn't the best
time to tell you this, but you done
your country proud.
LEA
Freedom, freedom doesn't come
without a price, does it?
The Sheriff is so moved by her stoicism he steps back and
salutes her. Lea stares blankly out into the sunset.
EXT. CASCADIA CAMPGROUND - MEMORIAL ROCK - YEARS LATER
The rock where Thomas inscribed the names of Powers and
Jennifer earlier is seen. This time, the remaining names of
Patrick, Charlie, and Thomas are also inscribed on it. A
narrator reads the inscription on a plaque placed in front of
the rock.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
In the early days of World War 3, a
young group of campers fought
bravely to defend their country.
They came here to write the names
of their fallen. So that we may
never forget, and that this great
nation, shall not perish, from the
earth.
FADE OUT.
THE END.
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