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MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING PART TWO - A DIFFERENT STORY
BY
ELIAS PAPADOPOULOS
30/11/2003
E-MAIL: eliaspapadopoulos@hotmail.com
TEL: 00447966404172 - 00441727848849
Address: Comfort Hotel St.Albans - Ryder House- Holywell Hill
- St.Albans - Herts - United Kingdom - AL1 1HG
FADE IN:
EXT. THE "AEGEAN" GREEK RESTAURANT-DAY
SUPERIMPOSE TO ACTION:"CITY OF PIRAEUS-GREECE"
A traditional Greek restaurant in the heart of the Greek
summer,at lunchtime,jammed with tourists from all over the
world. A noisy environment.
VIEW ON ELIAS a Greek waiter as he's trying to take an order
from a French couple sitting at the outside seating of the
restaurant overlooking the sea.
ELIAS
(fed up)
No scargos. We don't do snails.
FRENCH WOMAN
Why?
ELIAS
Because we don't.....Look, if you
wanna have scargos go back to
France...but since you're in Greece
at the moment you can have
mousaka,pastitsio,lamb,Greek salad
and NO SNAILS!!! NO
SCARGOS!..Simple as that.
FRENCH WOMAN
But why?
ELIAS
(glancing up to the sky)
What have I done to deserve this
God?
TIMECUT
VIEW ON ELIAS as he makes his way through the tables of the
outside seating carrying a full tray. A little distance away
there's a German couple sitting at a table with their 5 year
old son.
The German boy moves under the table and starts playing with
his little toy car.
ELIAS is just about to walk past that table when the little
boy rolls his toy car towards ELIAS'S FEET.
ELIAS STEPS on the little toy car and then DISASTER!!! He's
on the ground with the stuff that he was carrying all over
him.
ELIAS (cont'd)
(muttering to himself)
Germans! Scum of the earth!
The GERMAN FATHER starts laughing. Elias gets up and walks to
the GERMAN FATHER.
ELIAS (cont'd)
You know what? We shoulda killed
you all in the second world war, so
that you wouldn't get the chance to
reproduce and make such children.
GERMAN FATHER
(in subtitles)
I don't understand what you're
saying, but anyway it was just an
accident..let alone that the
national sport of Greece is
smashing plates!...You're smashing
plates for fun,so what's the big
deal?
The GERMAN FATHER breaks into a SPASTIC LAUGHTER. ELIAS is
fuming and is just about to attack the German Father when the
owner of the restaurant MR YANNIS arrives at the scene.
MR YANNIS
(to Elias,pointing with
his finger at the mess on
the floor)
This will come off your wages!
ELIAS approaches MR YANNIS and leans very close.
ELIAS
(trying to restrain his
anger)
If this comes off my wages,then
make sure the cost of a coffin
comes off my wages as well!!!
MR YANNIS
A coffin?
ELIAS
Yeah!..A Big one!..Big enough to
take three adults and one
child...three Germans and one
Greek!!
MOVING VIEW ON ALEX another waiter as he approaches ELIAS and
MR YANNIS.
ALEX
Mr Yannis it's not Elias's fault.
That German boy rolled his toy car
in front of Elias...he stepped on
it by accident and that's it.
MR YANNIS glances to Elias and then back to Alex.
MR YANNIS
Okay..okay..clear The mess and get
back to work.
EXT.THE AEGEAN GREEK RESTAURANT-NIGHT
ELIAS and ALEX are sitting at a table next to the sea with a
couple of beers. It's the end of their shift and they both
look tired, but the wonderful full moon and the numerous
stars in the Greek summer sky,sort of make it up for what
they've been through during the day.
ELIAS is glancing at the reflection of the full moon on the
sea surface.
ELIAS
You know I've had enough of it.
ALEX
Fucking foreigners! Especially the
Germans!
ELIAS
I've just had enough of it...I made
up my mind...I'm not going to the
army..I'm leaving Greece.
ALEX
What are you talking about?
ELIAS
I got my self a job in England
through an agency in
Athens....conference and banqueting
porter in a four star hotel.
ALEX
You're kidding me right?..What are
you gonna do in England?.The women
are ugly and fat,the food is
shit,the weather is shit...you're
gonna die of depression!
ELIAS
I'll be better off anywhere but
here...Anywhere but here!
ALEX
Look,I know we both had a tough day
but this is not a good reason to
loose your mind.
ELIAS
I'm thirty years old...I need a
change..I'm thirty years old and I
haven't done nothing in my life
yet...I'm still working as a stupid
waiter in a stupid restaurant..I'm
not married ...I don't have
children..(a beat)..life is just
passing me by.
ALEX
And what? You're going to catch up
with it by going to England to
become a hotel porter?
ELIAS
It's a new beginning...a
change..change is always good. I'll
be better off than being in the
Greek army,in a camp for two
years,with hundreds of guys that
wash their feet once a month and
the temperature at over one hundred
every day. One thing I know for
sure. Greece is not my destiny.
This country has never been my
destiny.
ALEX
And what? England is?
ELIAS
Anywhere but here.
(glancing up at the full
moon)
I know there is someone out there.
Somewhere around the world. Someone
who is made for me and I'm made for
her. Someone who I'll never get the
chance to meet if i stay here...I
don't know where she is or what
she's doing but I know she exists.
She might be in the arms of
somebody else right now...she might
be kissing someone else.....( a
beat)....or she might be looking at
the same full moon that I'm looking
at now.
ALEX (O.S.)
Oh man! You need some serious sex
to clear your head.
There's a sad and melancholic expression on Elias's face as
he's gazing off at the full moon.
CAMERA PUSHES IN slowly on ELIAS'S face and all the way into
his eyes.....and then PULLS BACK to reveal the same
expression on....
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. ELAINE'S ROOM-MR OZTURK'S ESTATE-BOCA RATON FLORIDA
NIGHT
....ELAINE'S face as she's looking out the window of her
room,gazing off at the full moon,with a sad and melancholic
expression on her face.
SUPERIMPOSE TO ACTION:BOCA RATON-FLORIDA
EXT. MR OZTURK'S ESTATE-MAIN COURT YARD-NIGHT
...where a wonderful party is taking place in the vast main
court yard of MR OZTURK'S luxurious estate. There's hundreds
of formally dressed guests scattered all around the lawns
holding glasses of champagne. There's a band playing and the
whole place is decorated with numerous TURKISH-AMERICAN FLAGS
indicating that the owner of the estate is a very wealthy
Turkish-American
This is MR OZTURK who is standing next to the huge swimming
pool with his WIFE,MR PRICE,MRS PRICE and MR PRICE'S
SON(JEFF)
MR OZTURK
(to Jeff)
So...Jeff,what are you gonna do now
that you've graduated from Harvard?
Are you gonna stick with your
father and make him even richer?
JEFF
Well...I've got an ultimate goal Mr
Ozturk.
I wanna start my own business and
get even richer than my father.
MR OZTURK
You have a long way to go
son....considering that you have to
make more than four billion
dollars!!!
Everybody laugh.
MR OZTURK (cont'd)
Let me tell you something son. I
left Turkey when I was fourteen and
came to this country alone,with
five dollars in my pocket and my
father's blessing.....and I made a
fortune. I've never been to any
college.....the street is the
college I graduated from and it
taught me a lot. This is the
toughest college in the world and
your father knows what I mean cause
he started the same way as
well......and always remember.
There's nothing stronger in this
world than a father's and a
mother's blessing. You respect your
parents...you succeed. You
don't..you fail...always remember
that
(glancing around him)
....now where's Elaine? What is she
doing?
MR PRICE
Women!! What do you expect?
MR OZTURK calls to a waitress.
MR OZTURK
Judith...Judith come here. Do me a
favour. Go and knock on my
daughter's door and ask her what
she's doing. Tell her that we're
all waiting for her. Okay?
JUDITH
Yes Mr Ozturk.
INT. ELAINE'S ROOM-NIGHT
ELAINE is still glancing at the full moon with a melancholic
expression on her face.
A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
JUDITH (O.S.)
Miss Elaine..your father is asking
what you're doing.
ELAINE
Tell him that I'm cutting my veins
and I'm having a real good time.
JUDITH (O.S.)
Miss Ozturk,they're all waiting for
you.
ELAINE
Tell them that I swallowed some
pills that made me invisible so I
won't be able to attend.
JUDITH KNOCKS on the door again.
ELAINE (cont'd)
(fed up)
Okay,okay...tell them I'll be down
in five minutes.
ELAINE sits in the chair across the mirror and brushes her
long black hair looking at her reflection with sad eyes.
She's an absolutely gorgeous and stunning girl.(Sandra
Bullock in all her black hair, black eye glory). She's
wearing a wonderful black dress.
ELAINE (cont'd)
(muttering to herself)
Why do you hate me so much God?
What have I done to deserve this?
ELAINE knows that this party is just another attempt of her
father to fix her up with a millionaire's useless son. She's
been there before and she's done it and she feels disgusted
and it certainly shows on her face that she's fed up with her
father and all these stupid parties that he throws in order
to find a rich husband for her.
EXT. MR OZTURK'S ESTATE-MAIN COURT YARD-NIGHT
VIEW ON MR OZTURK, MRS OZTURK, MR PRICE, MRS PRICE, and JEFF
as they chatter. In the background we can see ELAINE crossing
the court yard walking towards them. ELAINE gets into frame.
ELAINE
(coldly)
Hello.
MR OZTURK
Elaine where have you been?
Meditating again and doing that
yoga stuff you're doing?
ELAINE
Actually not,my dear father.
(sarcastically)
I was reading a book about how to
become invisible but it's pretty
obvious that the instructions in
the book never worked for me.
MR OZTURK
What are you talking about?
ELAINE
Nothing...I'm just talking to my
self...which is something that I do
more and more recently.
MR OZTURK
(a little confused)
Elaine,I believe you've met Mr and
Mrs Price before and their son
Jeff.
ELAINE
Yes of course. Hello Mr Price,Mrs
Price...Jeff.
JEFF
Hi Elaine. You look wonderful.
MR OZTURK
Jeff,why don't you take Elaine for
a dance?
JEFF
Would you like to dance Elaine?
ELAINE
Why not?
Jeff takes Elaine's hand and they start walking towards the
dance floor that is set on the lawn a little distance away.
MR OZTURK
(glancing at Elaine and
Jeff)
What a lovely couple these two
would make!
Mrs Ozturk and Mr and Mrs Price nod yes.
VIEW ON ELAINE and JEFF as they dance at a slow romantic tune
played by the orchestra. Jeff looks really excited having
Elaine in his arms but Elaine is just going through the
motions.
JEFF
It's lovely tonight..isn't it?
ELAINE
Hm..
JEFF
What sort of hobbies have you got
Elaine?
ELAINE
Nothing interesting. I'm a very
boring person.
JEFF
You know,I'm obsessed with exotic
cars and yachts. I've got a
collection of
Ferraris,Lamborginis,Porches...it's
ironic that I don't have a driving
licence yet. My father is trying to
sort this out. You should come and
see my collection one day.
ELAINE
(sarcastically)
Yes..I shall certainly come and see
your collection one day.
JEFF
You know last week I bought a new
yacht. It's really amazing. You
could travel all around the world
with that. I love sailing. I wanna
cross the atlantic with it. It will
be fun. You should come with me.
I'm a good captain. I don't have a
licence yet...but..
ELAINE
..but your father is trying to sort
this out..right?
JEFF
(smiling)
Yeah!! Exactly!
ELAINE
(aching)
Jesus! My stomach!
JEFF
What?
ELAINE
I've got a stomach
ache...Jesus..it's getting
worse.....Look...I have to go..I'll
be back.
ELAINE crosses the courtyard towards the house. MR OZTURK
notices her. JEFF rejoins the party of Mr and Mrs Ozturk and
his parents.
MR OZTURK
(to Jeff)
What happened?
JEFF
She's got a stomach ache.
MR OZTURK shakes his head. He looks very disappointed.
INT. ELAINE'S ROOM-NIGHT(CONTINUOUS)
ELAINE is looking out the window again. MR and MRS OZTURK
enter her room. MR OZTURK looks upset.
MR OZTURK
A stomach ache again?
ELAINE
Would it sound more convincing if I
said I had a brain tumor?
MR OZTURK
Why are you trying to ridicule me?
What are you gonna do with your
life? You're thirty years old and
you haven't done nothing yet.
You're not married,you don't have
children...in a few years you won't
even be able to have children.
ELAINE
(sarcastically)
Well if I'm supposed to have
children with people like Jeff then
I'd rather not have children at
all.
MR OZTURK
Why? What's wrong with people like
Jeff?
ELAINE
Everything is wrong with people
like Jeff!!....Look dad..I've had
enough of it. I'm sick and tired of
all these stupid parties that
you're throwing trying to fix me up
with people like Jeff. People who
are a big nothing and useless away
from their fathership. People that
have never worked and sweated in
their lives. People that..
MR OZTURK
What makes you so much different
from people like Jeff? When was the
last time you worked and sweated in
your life? How much is the watch
that you're wearing? Thirty
thousand bucks? The necklace forty
thousand, the dress that you're
wearing thirty thousand, your whole
wardrobe more than one million
bucks? Let me tell you
something...you're not different
from people like Jeff. You're a big
nothing and useless away from your
fathership. You don't know the real
world. If I ask you how much is a
loaf of bread, you'd probably say
it's thirty bucks!! You're nothing
but a spoilt thirty year old woman
who is acting like a fifteen year
old girl.
ELAINE
(on the verge of
tears,taking off her
watch and letting it fall
on the floor)
I don't need this.
(taking off her necklace
and letting it fall on
the floor)
...and I don't need that. Let me
remind you that the reason why I
never worked and sweated in my life
is because you never let me to. I
don't know how much a loaf of bread
is because I've never been asked to
go and get one.
I don't know the real world because
you over protected me from
it.....but things can change
dad....things are going to change.
I'm different from people like
Jeff...a lot different...and you're
going to realize that soon.
MR OZTURK
(calmly)
Elaine, I left Turkey when I was
fourteen with five...
ELAINE
(interrupting)
Yes I know dad. You told me a
million times. You left Turkey when
you were fourteen with five...
MR OZTURK
(interrupting her,getting
upset by the fact that
he's been interrupted)
NO! LISTEN TO ME!! I left Turkey
when I was fourteen with five bucks
in my pocket and my parents
blessing and I came to this country
and I made a fortune...and you know
why I made it? Because I had my
parents blessing. There's nothing
stronger in this world than a
father's and a mother's blessing. I
loved my parents though they
haven't been able to give me
nothing more than their good advice
and their blessing....and look at
you. I give the world....I give you
an empire...everything I made, I
made it for you...everything I own
belongs to you. I give you
everything and what do you give me
in return? Contempt?
ELAINE
Dad you gave me everything,apart
from a little of your time to
listen to me and get to know me.
You don't know me and I don't know
you...simple as that. Making money
has always been your top priority
and now you want me to share my
life with someone like Jeff whose
top priority will be making money.
No dad,thank you.
I wanna be the top priority of the
person I'm gonna share my life with
MR OZTURK
So what are you saying? You wanna
share your life with a dish
washer,a waiter,an office
worker?...someone who works nine to
five,hand to mouth?
ELAINE
(giving up arguing)
Dad,it doesn't matter. It doesn't
really matter.
MR OZTURK
I know it doesn't .....freshen up
and come down in five minutes.
ELAINE
Is that an order or something?
MR OZTURK
It's a father's wish!
MR OZTURK exits Elaine's room
MRS OZTURK
You should listen to your father.
ELAINE
Mum,I know you for thirty years and
for thirty years you've been
telling me the same thing. Listen
to your father..listen to your
father. Don't you ever have an
opinion of your own? We're not in
Turkey mum. We're in the United
States.
MRS OZTURK walks out of Elaine's room looking upset by her
daughter's comments.
EXT. MR OZTURK'S ESTATE-MAIN COURT YARD-NIGHT(MOMENTS LATER)
...as MR OZTURK rejoins the party of MR and MRS PRICE and
JEFF.
JEFF
(to Mr Ozturk)
So how's Elaine Mr Ozturk?
MR OZTURK
She feels better now. She will be
down in five minutes.
JEFF
(sounding stupid)
Thanks God. I thought it was
appendicitis or something!
MR OZTURK
No she's fine. She's coming down.
INT. ELAINE'S ROOM-NIGHT(CONTINUOUS)
ELAINE
(making a rope out of
tying together two bed
sheets)
Yes, I'm coming down.
ELAINE ties one end of the "rope" around a leg of her bed and
then making her way through the window uses the other end of
the "rope" to climb down towards the ground of the back court
yard where everything's quiet and only echoes of the party in
the main court yard can be heard. Half way through the "rope"
breaks and Elaine lands awkwardly on the ground.
ELAINE
Dammit. Why God hates me so much?
ELAINE rises and starts walking fast towards the fence that
surrounds the back court yard. A dog starts barking and
growling and we can actually see the dog running towards
Elaine.
ELAINE
(to the dog)
Oh,shut up you bitch!
The dog having recognized Elaine stops running and barking
and starts to whimper instead.
ELAINE (cont'd)
What are you complaining about?
You're a bitch anyway!
ELAINE climbs the fence and lands on the other side of it.
She's free now. She looks happy. She thinks for a while and
then a feeling of insecurity takes hold of her. A worried
expression on her face now.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. ELIAS'S HOUSE-KITCHEN-DAY
ELIAS,his FATHER and his GRANDMOTHER are sitting at the
kitchen table. Elias's MOTHER serves the food and then sits
at the table with the rest.
FATHER
(to his wife,after trying
the food)
What a surprise! The pasta is
overcooked again the meat is under
cooked and no salt as well.
WIFE
The salt is bad for your pressure.
That's what the doctor said.
FATHER
I'd rather die a happy man with
some decent food in my
stomach...What do I have to do to
get some decent food in this
place?....Call my mother out of her
grave to come and cook for me?
GRANDMOTHER
Your mother was a bitch and she
couldn't cook anyway!!!
WIFE
Mother please don't start again!
FATHER
(to grandmother)
You old lunatic..if it wasn't for
my wife I would've kicked you out
of this house with a kick so strong
that you would wake up and find
yourself in the antarctic next to a
polar bear.
ELIAS
(fed up)
Can you please stop it? You sound
like a bunch of peasants!
GRANDMOTHER
(pointing at the father's
direction with her
finger)
His mother was a peasant from a no
name village. I'm a born Athenian.
FATHER
You're a born lunatic. That's what
you are.
ELIAS
Can you please stop it? I've got
something very important to tell
you and I need your attention.
There's absolute silence in the room now.
MOTHER
What's going on?
FATHER
Did you make a girl pregnant?
ELIAS
No dad, I didn't make a girl
pregnant!
GRANDMOTHER
You're taking drugs?
ELIAS
No grandma, I'm not taking drugs!
MOTHER
You have AIDS?
ELIAS
(fed up with the stupid
questions)
Okay listen to me. I made up my
mind and there's nothing that can
possibly make me change my decision
now. I'm leaving Greece. I found
myself a job in England....I'll be
working in a hotel.
The MOTHER starts CRYING.
MOTHER
You're leaving us!
ELIAS
Jesus Christ mum! I'm thirty years
old. I should have left ten years
ago.
FATHER
What are you gonna do in England?
The weather is shit,the food is
shit...the women are ugly and fat.
ELIAS
Even if I had to go to the north
pole I'd be better off.
The MOTHER keeps on CRYING.
ELIAS
Did anybody die or something?
INT. AIRPLANE-DAY
ELIAS is on an airplane to England. He's looking out his
window.
ELIAS
Jesus! These must be the fattest
clouds I've ever seen in my life.
PASSENGER
(sitting next to Elias
sarcastically)
That means that we're already
flying over the United Kingdom my
friend. Clouds can't get any fatter
than here. Get used to them.
They're going to be your best
friend. A friend that you'll have
to see each and every day whether
you want it or not.
ELIAS smiles but at the same time he looks worried.
EXT. THE NOKE HOTEL-DAY
A taxi stops outside the hotel. Elias gets out of the taxi
and starts taking his luggage out. The taxi driver helps him.
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-LOBBY-DAY
ELIAS enters the hotel and crosses toward the reception desk
looking all around him.
ELIAS
(to the receptionist)
Hello. Is it possible to speak to
the duty manager please?
RECEPTIONIST (SIMON)
(he sounds,looks and is
gay)
What's your name please?
ELIAS
My name is Elias. Elias
Papadopoulos. I'm supposed to start
work here tomorrow.
SIMON
Oh yes. You are the new conference
porter, right?
ELIAS
In deed!
SIMON
Hi, my name is Simon. I'm the
reception manager.
ELIAS
(shaking hands)
Nice to meet you Simon.
SIMON turns around and walks to the back office of the
reception.
SIMON (O.S.)
Mrs Connors the new conference
porter is here. Elias
Tapapatatapatopoulos.
ELIAS LAUGHS as he listens to the way Simon pronounces his
name.
ELIAS
Tapapatatapatopoulos?? I think I'll
have to change my last name.
MRS CONNORS comes to the front desk along with Simon.
MRS CONNORS
Hi Elias! Welcome to the Noke.
(they shake hands)
My name is Mrs Connors.
ELIAS
Pleased to meet you Mrs Connors.
MRS CONNORS
You must be tired, right? I 'd
better take you to the staff house
to get some rest. It's only ten
minutes walk away from the hotel.
We'll take my car.
ELIAS
Okay.
EXT. STAFF HOUSE-DAY
MRS CONNORS and ELIAS are standing outside the door of the
staff house. Mrs Connors rings the bell. NO ANSWER. She rings
the bell again. NO ANSWER. She reaches into her handbag and
takes out a pair of keys.
MRS CONNORS
The boys must be still asleep.
ELIAS
At three o'clock in the afternoon?
INT. STAFF HOUSE-DAY
MRS CONNORS and ELIAS enter the staff house. They go up the
stairs that lead to the lounge of the staff house , where
JAMES is lying asleep on the sofa in his under wears and PHIL
is lying asleep on the floor. There's many empty cans of beer
all around along with bottles of wine ,vodka,whiskey and
several ashtrays full of ash and cigarette remains. The place
looks like a pigsty.
LUCIFER a big black funny looking dog that lies next to JAMES
glances at Mrs Connors and Elias and starts to whimper.
MRS CONNORS
(glancing around her
shaking her head)
I've been needing to warn you about
these two,but I guess now you know
that you'll have to live with two
pigs and one dog!
(calling to James)
James....JAMES!!
JAMES WAKENS UP and stands up.
JAMES
(half awake,half asleep
scratching his head)
Mrs Connors...good morning.
MRS CONNORS
It's three o'clock in the afternoon
James and I believe that I told you
yesterday that your new house mate
would arrive today and the staff
house would have to be clean,but
unfortunately it's the usual
pigsty.
JAMES
Mrs Connors I'm sorry but it was
Lucifer's birthday yesterday. He's
sixteen now. I don't think that he
will live to see another birthday.
(patting Lucifer's head)
Poor old Lucifer. We had a good
time last night,yeah?
THE DOG starts to WHIMPER. JAMES bends down,grabs a can of
beer and pours it into a bowl. The dog drinks the beer from
the bowl. MRS CONNORS and ELIAS stare in amazement.
JAMES (cont'd)
(off Mrs Connors and
Elias's reaction)
What? You've never seen a dog
drinking beer?
PHIL WAKES UP.
PHIL
Jesus! Where am I? Who am I? What
am I doing here?
MRS CONNORS
(shaking her head)
So Elias, let me introduce you to
two people that not even their own
mother would like to know,but
anyway you'll have to work with
them. This is James and that is
Phil.
JAMES/PHIL
(in stereo)
Hi.
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-PORTER'S OFFICE-NEXT DAY-EVENING
MRS CONNORS and ELIAS enter the porter's office. ROBERTO the
head porter is already in there.
MRS CONNORS
Elias, this is Roberto the head
porter...he's been here for three
years...so he's going to show you
all the tricks of the trade.
Elias and Roberto shake hands.
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-CORRIDOR-EVENING
Elias and Roberto walk along a hotel corridor.
ROBERTO
(heavy Portuguese accent)
Being a conference and banqueting
porter is an easy job as long as
you keep the one and only
commandment of the porter's bible.
NEVER WALK WITH EMPTY HANDS. When
you move from place A to place B
always make sure you carry
something with you.
They stop outside a storage cupboard. Roberto unlocks it.
ROBERTO (cont'd)
This is our main cupboard. As you
can see we use it to store
chairs,tables,flipcharts,overhead
projectors and anything else that
we possibly need to do our job. Do
you remember where the Burston's
suite is?
ELIAS
Mrs Connors took me for a show
round earlier. I think I know where
it is.
ROBERTO
Okay,there's going to be a dinner
for fifty people there,in two
hours,so we have to carry twelve
six foot tables from this cupboard
to the Burston's suite. I'll grab
one table,you grab another and we
go.
ELIAS grabs a table.
VIEW ON ROBERTO'S HAND as he activates his pager stealthily.
ROBERTO
(checking his pager)
Ooops! I think that the General
Manager needs me. I have to go but
I'll be back to help you,okay?
ELIAS
Okay.
Roberto walks off leaving Elias alone. Elias starts to walk
down the hotel corridor with a six foot table in his hands.
It's a long corridor. At the end of it he struggles to get
through a big white fire door that separates the corridor
he's in from another set of corridors. He takes the corridor
on his left glancing all around him. As he glances around,the
table that he carries swings off course and almost hits a
guest.
GUEST
Careful boy!
ELIAS keeps on walking,sweating profusely. He notices a sign
on his left that reads "STAIRS TO THE GROUND FLOOR". He
struggles through another fire door and then takes the stairs
to the ground floor. It's pretty obvious that the hotel is
not a traditional functional hotel with lifts. It's a typical
English Manor House Hotel where nothing is functional
especially for the poor porters.
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-ANOTHER CORRIDOR(CONTINUOUS)
VIEW ON ROBERTO as he uses his master key to get into a
vacant room,glancing around him like a thief.
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-VACANT ROOM - CONTINUOUS
ROBERTO enters the room and turns the TV on. There's a
football(soccer) match on. PORTUGAL is playing against
GERMANY.
ROBERTO
Germans...scum of the earth!
Portugal is gonna fuck your brains
out.
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-CORRIDOR-CONTINUOUS
VIEW ON ELIAS as he's sweating profusely carrying the six
foot table. Finally he sees a sign on his right that reads
"BURSTON SUITE".
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-BURSTON SUITE - CONTINUOUS
ELIAS enters the function room. MR LITTLEPEN the conference
and banqueting manager is already in there.
MR LITTLEPEN
(muttering to himself,not
having seeing Elias)
Porters..scum of the earth! You can
never rely on them.
ELIAS
Excuse me? Is this the Burston
Suite?
MR LITTLEPEN
There's a huge fucking sign outside
saying "BURSTON SUITE". Why do I
have to waste my saliva to tell you
YES THIS IS THE BURSTON SUITE? Are
you blind?..RETARDED?
ELIAS
Excuse me,this is my first day in
this place and I just wanted to
make sure.
MR LITTLEPEN
Jesus Christ...another Jose?
ELIAS
My name is not Jose.
MR LITTLEPEN
Okay it's not Jose. It's Manuel. So
what?
ELIAS
It's not Manuel either.
MR LITTLEPEN
(like a maniac)
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOUR NAME
IS. I just need twelve six foot
tables to set up this room for a
dinner for fifty people and I need
them within the next ten minutes.
Do you understand or you need a
translation in Spanish?
ELIAS
I'm not Spanish!
MR LITTLEPEN
I don't give a fuck where you come
from. I'm the conference and
banqueting manager and if you don't
get me twelve six foot tables
within the next ten minutes, I'll
make sure you go back where you
came from. A filthy little village
in the middle of nowhere.
ELIAS
I come from Piraeus,Greece...the
biggest port in Europe..and by the
way...I don't like the way you talk
to me.
MR LITTLEPEN
Well,well,well...look what we've
got here. A Greek God right? Well
Greek God as long as you're in my
country I'll talk to you anyway I
please!!!
ELIAS
(glancing at Mr
Littlepen's name badge)
It makes me wonder what your name
becomes when you add an I,S to the
end!!
MR LITTLEPEN
(glancing at his name
badge and realizing)
Smart arse! Go and get the tables!
ELIAS
There's one outside the room. Where
shall I put it?
MR LITTLEPEN
(pointing at a certain
direction)
Over there with the rest.
ELIAS EXITS the room. MR LITTLEPEN takes a tray full of wine
glasses in his hands. Elias enters the room again carrying
the six foot table and as he crosses the room he collides
with Mr Littlepen and then DISASTER! The wine glasses are all
shattered in Mr Littlepen's face.
ELIAS
Ooops!!
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-STAFF CANTEEN-DAY
VIEW ON ELIAS as he glances at the staff food laid in buffet
style on a big hot plate.
JAMES (O.S.)
You've got the choice of
shit,bullshit,crap and bollocks. No
matter how long you stand there
looking at it,nothing will change!
ELIAS turns his head,smiling. It's JAMES and PHIL standing
next to him.
JAMES
Closing your eyes is the ultimate
secret to a happy life my friend.
The food looks shit,you close your
eyes and you imagine you have the
best food in front of you. You're
fucking a fat ugly mama?...no
problem...you close your eyes and
you imagine you're fucking the most
gorgeous woman in the world. It
feels exactly the same. The "close
your eyes secret"...always remember
it. It always works...and you have
to do a lot of it in this country
my friend!
INT. STAFF CANTEEN - CONTINUOUS
ELIAS,JAMES and PHIL are sitting around a table.
ELIAS
(stirring his food with a
fork)
What am I eating?
JAMES
It's called curry my friend. Indian
food...England's favorite dish.
Indian cuisine is the most popular
cuisine in England.
ELIAS
Indian food? You're kidding me
right? What do the Indians know
about food? They starve to death in
India...let alone that they eat
their food with a dozen of flies
and insects in it.
PHIL
Good point!!
JAMES
England is a country of bad taste.
We eat shit...we wear shit... the
weather is shit..women are
shit...everything is shit in this
country. It makes me wonder what
you're doing here. Where do you
come from anyway?
PHIL
Spain?
ELIAS
No,I'm not Spanish.
PHIL
You look Spanish.
ELIAS
Well I'm not!
JAMES
Italy,right?
ELIAS
No I'm not Italian.
JAMES
You look Italian.
ELIAS
(fed up)
Well I'm not Italian!
PHIL
Jewish?
ELIAS
Get out of here..do I look like a
Jew?
JAMES
(sounding very confident)
I know where you come from. I've
been on holiday to Turkey a couple
of years ago and I've seen lots of
guys there looking exactly like
you. You're Turkish,right?
ELIAS
(fuming)
This is the worst insult you could
ever insult a Greek with and you'd
better take it back before I get
really angry.
CECIL a big,black kitchen porter enters the staff canteen and
helps himself to the buffet food.
JAMES
(to Elias,off Elias's
reaction)
Whoa,whoa,whoa!!
Okay,relax,take it easy. I only
said that you look like a Turk. I
didn't say that you are a Turk!
ELIAS
It's all the same to me,so you'd
better apologize.
JAMES
Why should I apologize?
Spanish,Italians,Greeks,Turks..you
all look the same....like the
fucking niggers...they all look the
same!
CECIL
(standing behind James's
chair)
You've got any problem with the
niggers skinny?
JAMES
(looking behind him)
Cecil,my good friend,how are you?
CECIL
I'm not your friend,skinny!
CECIL sits at another table.
PHIL
Okay,lets's change the subject.
(to Elias)
So how old are you?
ELIAS
Thirty times the earth around the
sun.
PHIL
(laughing)
Thirty times the earth around the
sun? A typical Greek philosopher.
Well I'm 24 times the earth around
the sun.......So what is a Greek
philosopher doing in England?
ELIAS
I'm here to get wiser,away from the
Greek army which is a place for
lunatics.
JAMES
Oh, I see!! We've got a Greek
deserter here!
ELIAS
Did you wake up today with a desire
to get punched or something? I'm
not a deserter. I just didn't want
to waste two years of my life in
the Greek army. Why should I do
that? Because we're only ten
million Greeks and they are sixty
million Turks,multiplying like
rabbits and having one ultimate
dream of invading Greece,something
that will never happen because
uncle Sam is going to intervene?
Excuse me....hello!!!..not me!! I'm
not gonna take ...thank you.
PHIL
So you don't like the Turks,right?
ELIAS
I hate them!
JAMES
Have you ever met a Turk in your
life?
ELIAS
No.
JAMES
So why do you hate them?
ELIAS
Because I do.
JAMES
But why? Give me a reason.
ELIAS
I don't know...leave me alone,okay?
JAMES
You hate for no reason and people
that hate for no reason are sick!
ELIAS
Fuck off!! You don't know nothing
about the history of Greece!!
JAMES
You're talking about history,the
past....I'm talking about the
present,now..Is there any living
Turk that has done you any wrong?
No!..because you've never met any
living Turk anyway!
ELIAS
Well, fuck off!! If you like the
Turks so much,go and live with
them.
JAMES
Turkish girls are gorgeous. I met a
Turkish girl on my holiday there.
She was stunning!!
ELIAS
You're kidding me,right? Turkish
girls are the ugliest girls in the
world. They've got
moustaches...sideburns...yellow
teeth,they don't shave their
armpits,their legs....they're
fat....
JAMES
Have you ever met a Turkish girl?
ELIAS
No.
JAMES
So how do you know that they don't
shave their armpits?
ELIAS
I've got a hunch.
PHIL
So you can't go back to Greece
now,right?
ELIAS
Right! If I go back,I go straight
to prison.
PHIL
So what are you gonna do? Are you
gonna stay here for the rest of
your life?
ELIAS
God's got!!
PHIL
God's got? What's that supposed to
mean?
ELIAS
God's got. It's a Greek expression.
It means that God is rich. He's
always got things to give you even
if you're hopeless and desperate.
God's got.
PHIL
God's got!
JAMES
God's got...WE ain't got!!
PHIL
(to Elias)
Talking about God. We're going to
the church,tonight. Are you coming
with us? We're gonna have a good
time?
ELIAS
(hesitant)
The church?
JAMES
You're not a good Christian?
ELIAS
Well...I believe in God but it's
only Tuesday. I usually go every
Sunday.
JAMES
So you're not a good Christian
then!
PHIL
Me and James go to church every
day.
ELIAS
(looking at them
suspiciously)
Well I have to admit you don't look
the kind of guys that go to church
every day!
JAMES'S PAGER goes off. He checks it.
JAMES
Ooops!!..Mr Littlepenis is looking
for us. Let's go.
They rise.
INT. THE NOKE-RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS
MR LITTLEPEN is standing near the front desk. JAMES,PHIL and
ELIAS arrive.
MR LITTLEPEN
At last! The three stooges! Okay
Greek god!..I need thirty clean
coffee cups in the Mary Austin
suite. You've got five minutes.
(to James and Phil)
You two,come with me.
JAMES
I didn't hear any please Mr
Littlepen.
MR LITTLEPEN
Okay....can you please shut the
fuck up and follow me?
JAMES
(glancing at Phil)
At least he said please!!
INT. THE NOKE-KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
ELIAS is in the kitchen of the hotel polishing coffee cups
with a cloth. He grabs a coffee cup that's got a tough stain
on it. He tries hard to remove it but the stain doesn't come
off.
CECIL (O.S.)
Spit in it!
ELIAS
Excuse me?
CECIL
Spit in it...here..let me show you.
CECIL takes the coffee cup and the cloth from ELIAS,he spits
in the coffee cup,he polishes and the stain is GONE!!
CECIL
(showing Elias the clean
coffee cup)
You see? It's clean now. That's the
right technique. The CECIL
technique.
ELIAS
(dumbfounded)
All right!
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-MARY AUSTIN SUITE - CONTINUOUS
ELIAS enters the Mary Austin suite carrying a tray full of
coffee cups. JAMES,PHIL and MR LITTLEPEN are already in there
breaking tables and working on the layout of the function
room
MR LITTLEPEN
(seeing Elias)
Okay,give me the coffee cups.
ELIAS gives him the tray. JAMES swings a table toward MR
LITTLEPEN supposedly by accident(but not really),but Mr
Littlepen elegantly avoids it.
MR LITTLEPEN
Not again! I know your dirty little
tricks!
MR LITTLEPEN starts to cross the function room with a smile
on his face having avoided JAMES'S table,but he's not careful
and trips over an overhead projector's cable and goes down
along with the coffee cups.
MR LITTLEPEN
(furious)
I told you a thousand times to tape
the fucking cables of the overhead
projectors!
ELIAS,JAMES and PHIL make funny grimaces.
EXT. THE CHURCH PUB-NIGHT
VIEW ON A SIGN that reads:"THE CHURCH PUB-COME INSIDE TO
WORSHIP GOD". There's also a big picture of a pint of lager
and people kneeling before it.
CAMERA tilts down to reveal JAMES,PHIL and ELIAS entering the
"CHURCH"
INT. THE CHURCH PUB-NIGHT
MOVING VIEW ON JAMES,ELIAS and PHIL as they cross toward the
bar.
JAMES
(to Elias)
Welcome to my church my Greek
friend. The only place where hard
earned wages are worth being spent
on.
ELIAS SMILES.
JAMES
(pointing with his finger
at the bar tender)
This is Saint Peter....Saint Peter
guards the gates of heaven....HEY
SAINT PETER...three pints of lager
and a packet of crisps.
BAR TENDER
Okay.
JAMES
No other religion....no other
religion in England has so many
disciples as this one. Nothing
comes close...call it
football...call it drugs...call it
whatever industry you wanna call
it. English pubs make more money
than all the rest added
together......simply because
they've got more disciples than all
the rest added together.
(grabbing a pint that the
barman placed next to
him)
....and this is our GOD!!
The one and only meaning
of an Englishman's
existence!!
INT. THE CHURCH PUB-NIGHT(CONTINUOUS)
JAMES,ELIAS and PHIL take their seats around a table.
JAMES
(raising his pint-making a
toast)
God's got!!
PHIL
God's got!!
ELIAS
God's got...we ain't got!!
JAMES
When you've got a pint of lager in
your hands,you've got everything.
You don't need nothing more...
(glancing to his left-a
very sexy girl in a mini
skirt walks by)
....with the exception maybe of a
little bit of that!
PHIL and ELIAS turn their heads to look at the girl. ELIAS
smiles.
ELIAS
Talking about English girls..what
are they like?
PHIL
The drink,they smoke,they fuck and
they talk for hours and hours on
their mobile phones. That's all
they do!
JAMES
They're all slappers...they don't
like people like me and Phil. They
like latino looking guys...like
you...with a foreign accent. They
go crazy over men with a foreign
accent. They'll be throwing their
knickers at you!
ELIAS
I don't like women who drink and
smoke. I hate women who
deliberately blow the smoke of
their cigarette in a man's face. I
just hate them!
PHIL
I'm afraid you're in the wrong
country my friend! There's no
English girl that doesn't drink and
smoke. They all start
drinking,smoking and fucking from
the age of thirteen!
The same SEXY GIRL that walked by earlier on,walks by again.
JAMES
(to the girl)
Hey babe! Can I buy you a drink or
you'd rather have it cash?
GIRL
Get lost jerk!
(stopping and glancing to
Elias)
Hi ya!
ELIAS
Hi!
The GIRL walks off smiling at ELIAS.
JAMES
You see! She called me a jerk...she
told you hi ya!....what do I have
to do? Get a dimple on my
chin?...get a foreign
accent?..change my name to Enrique
or Julio?
ELIAS
My name is not Enrique or Julio but
she still told me hi ya.
PHIL
By the way,your name,Elias,does it
have some sort of a meaning in
Greek?
ELIAS
No....Greek names don't mean no
jackshit. Actually it's not even a
Greek name. It's a Jewish name.
PHIL
Are you a Jew?
ELIAS
(upset)
No...of course not!
PHIL
Okay relax! It was just a question.
JAMES
(to Elias)
I bet you don't like the Jews
right?
ELIAS
Right!
JAMES
Why?
ELIAS
I don't know....I just don't like
them.
JAMES
Have you ever met a Jew in your
life?
ELIAS
No.
JAMES
So how come you don't like
them,since you've never met one?
ELIAS
I don't know.
JAMES
You're a racist!
ELIAS
Look,don't start again...all right?
JAMES
I bet you don't like the Germans
too,right?
ELIAS
Right!
JAMES
Have you ever met a German in your
life? I bet not...you hate for no
reason and people that hate for no
reason hate themselves!
ELIAS
Is it possible to have my beer
without listening to your crap?
JAMES
Okay...No more annoying
questions....but is it true that
homosexuality was very popular in
ancient Greece?
ELIAS glances at JAMES with his usual,"what have I done to
deserve this" expression on his face.
INT. STAFF HOUSE-KITCHEN-DAY
CLOSE VIEW ON A JAR of nutella chocolate spread.
CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal ELIAS spooning it out. He leaves
the jar on the table and opens the freezer. He takes out a
microwaveable curry meal. He looks at it for a while,unwraps
it and puts it in the microwave oven. He starts on the
chocolate spread again.
HIS MOBILE PHONE GOES. He answers it.
ELIAS
Hello...hi mum...I'm fine and
you?...yeah I know.
ELIAS puts his phone on speaker mode and leaves it on the
table.
MOTHER
Me and your father would like to
come and visit you. We're missing
you.
ELIAS
(eating nutella)
Mum are you kidding me? It's only
three weeks since I left and you
wanna come to visit me?
(there's nutella on his
face)
I'm not a baby!....when are you
going to realize that? I'm thirty
years old!
MOTHER
Are you eating well?
ELIAS
I'm still alive!
MOTHER
What are you eating?
ELIAS
At the moment I'm eating chocolate
spread and after that I'll have a
curry.
MOTHER
Curry?..What is a curry?
ELIAS
It's England's favorite dish mum.
Indian food.
MOTHER
Indian food? What do the Indians
know about food. They starve to
death in India.
ELIAS
Good point!
MOTHER
...and their food is full of flies
and insects. You should let me come
and cook for you.
ELIAS
(grimacing funnily)
Mum I'm fine....as long as there's
chocolate spread around I'm fine.
MOTHER
What's the weather like?
ELIAS
I'm still alive!
MOTHER
Do you dress warm?
ELIAS
(fed up)
Yes mum...I dress warm.
MOTHER
What's the place that you're
staying like? Is it clean?
ELIAS GLANCES AROUND HIM. Everything is a mess. The
kitchen..the floor ...the lounge...
ELIAS
I'm still alive!
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-RECEPTION-DAY
An American-Italian guest MR BINELLI is at the front
desk,checking in.
MR BINELLI
(to Simon)
What do you mean you haven't got
any room for me? I made my
reservation three months ago!
SIMON
I'm afraid your name is not on my
system Mr Binelli.
MR BINELLI
(getting angry)
Well sort it out and give me a
room!
SIMON
Mr Binelli,I'm afraid we're fully
booked tonight. There's nothing I
can do for you apart from booking
you out at another hotel.
MR BINELLI
(getting really angry)
I WANNA STAY HERE YOU FAGGOT....YOU
LISTEN TO ME?
MR BINELLI and SIMON attract the interest of other hotel
guests.
SIMON
(calm)
I'm afraid there's nothing I can
do!
MR BINELLI
I wanna speak to the manager right
now!
SIMON
I'm the Front of House Manager sir.
MR BINELLI
You faggot! You make an entrance
out of the exit and you think you
have the right to speak? I've got
the solution to your problem. We
should put you all in an island and
throw some nucs on it...but before
that happens...
(grabs Simon's neck and
pulls him over the desk
toward his side)
..I'M GONNA KILL YOU WITH MY OWN
HANDS YOU FATHERFUCKER!!
MR BINELLI is on top of SIMON strangling him.
PHIL walks into the reception area and seeing what's
happening he attacks MR BINELLI from behind. HOTEL GUESTS are
dumbfounded. MR BINELLI lets go of SIMON and with just one
move he brings PHIL under him and starts to strangle him.
MR BINELLI
You make an entrance out of the
exit too eh?
PHIL
(trying to breathe)
Excuse me?
MR BINELLI
I'm gonna kill you all with my own
hands you faggots!
ELIAS enters the reception area carrying three big bottles of
water in a tray. He can't believe what he sees. ELIAS leaves
the tray on the floor and attacks MR BINELLI from behind. MR
BINELLI pushes him away and keeps on strangling PHIL. ELIAS
picks up a bottle of water and smashes it on MR BINELLI'S
head.
ELIAS
(smashing the bottle on Mr
Binelli's head)
How we love smashing things in
Greece!
MR BINELLI collapses on PHIL'S body. PHIL pushes Mr BINELLI
off him.
ELIAS (cont'd)
(to Phil)
What happened here?
PHIL
(still on the floor
panting and gasping)
He just didn't like people that
make an exit out of the
entrance....No!....the other way
round....an entrance out of the
exit!
ELIAS
(confused)
What are you talking about?
PHIL
Forget about it.
EXT. OPEN BASKETBALL COURT-DAY
ELIAS and JAMES are on an open basketball court. ELIAS shoots
the ball and it goes into the basket. JAMES takes the ball,he
takes his time aiming,he shoots,but the ball goes miles away
from the basket.
JAMES
You know what?....Whatever is done
with hands is pure wanking! Call it
sports,call it whatever you wanna
call it.
JAMES takes the ball once again but this time he kicks it
like a football and it goes in the basket. ELIAS grimaces
funnily.
ELIAS
It's called basketball you English
cunt! You're supposed to use your
hands.
JAMES
I'd rather use my legs. They give
me more pleasure than my hands.
ELIAS
(shooting the ball)
Typical English. Useless.
JAMES
(taking the ball and
kicking it into the
basket)
Well,you can keep on using your
hands my Greek friend. Some people
are born wankers,some people are
born fuckers.
ELIAS
Ha,ha,ha...look who's talking!
JAMES
Well you've been in this country
for the last four weeks but you
haven't scored yet.
ELIAS
That's true. I admit it. It's
tragic....four weeks and I still
haven't found myself a girl!
JAMES
(mimicking playing an air
violin)
Oh..it's so tragic.....My Greek
friend hasn't fucked for four
weeks.
(raising his right hand
and moving his fingers)
Excuse me!...Hello!... I've been
dating the widow and her five
orphans ( looking at the palm of
his hand)...for the last twelve
months.
ELIAS
(laughing)
The widow and her five
orphans,right?
(looking at the palm of
his hand)
Well the thing is that I don't
wanna date the widow and her five
orphans. Can you help me?
JAMES
Yeah...I can give you a hand If you
want!
ELIAS
Fuck off!
JAMES
(thoughtful)
Well,I know some girls that would
be interested in a greasy Greek
latino looking guy like you. What
do I get in return?
ELIAS
A peek maybe!...to give you some
more inspiration when you date the
widow and her five orphans!!
JAMES
Wicked!!
INT. THE CHURCH PUB-NIGHT
A MONTAGE OF SCENES starts. We're in the church pub. ELIAS is
sitting at a table and five different girls sit across
him,one at a time.
GIRL 1
I like going out..having
fun...drinking...smoking...dancing
..flirting....
GIRL 2
I don't like cooking...I hate
cooking. I don't like men who
expect from their girlfriends or
their wives to cook for them.
GIRL 3
I like that dimple on your chin.
It's so sexy! You look like John
Travolta.
GIRL 4
My old man kicked me out when I was
fourteen. I was very rebellious. I
was dating a sixty year old man. It
was fun. He had lots of money.
GIRL 5
I like latino looking guys with an
accent...English men are not my cup
of tea...especially ginger men. I
hate them. It makes me wanna puke
when I see a ginger man!
GIRL 1
I don't believe in monogamous
relationships. I believe there's a
reason why God made us many.....and
the reason why God made us many is
because he wants us to meet one
another and learn from one
another....and that's what I wanna
do in my life....meet as many
people as possible......especially
men!
ELIAS
(thoughtful)
You know there's a certain job that
you can do that can really help you
meet lots of people....especially
men!!
GIRL 1
Really? What job is that?
ELIAS
It involves lots of lying on the
horizontal axon.
GIRL 1
(sounding very stupid)
Is it a scientific job?
ELIAS
No!....I'll tell you later about
it.
GIRL 2
Let's get something straight now! I
don't like men who try to fuck me
when I'm asleep! I mean I don't
have any problem going to bed with
two or three men...but when someone
tries to fuck me while I'm asleep
...I GO BALLISTIC!!
ELIAS
Right!!
GIRL 3
(blowing the smoke of her
cigarette in Elias's
face)
So what sort of women do you like?
ELIAS
(coughing)
Women that don't blow the smoke of
their cigarette in my face maybe?
GIRL 4
My ex boyfriend was horrible to me.
He was 75 years old....I returned
home one day only to find him in
bed with a neighbor. What hurt me
most and literally devastated
me,was the fact that the neighbor
happened to be a man that I was
seeing at that time.
ELIAS
I understand!!
GIRL 5
I used to be romantic...believe in
love...but I've changed ever since
I caught my ex boy friend in bed
with my mother.......You're not
very talkative...are
you?.....You're a good
listener....I like that....I
believe the most important thing in
a relationship is being a good
listener...listening to what your
partner has to say....because
some...
ELIAS
(interrupting)
I believe that too...I think...
GIRL 5
(interrupting him)
I don't like being interrupted. We
have to get this straight now!
ELIAS
Okay....I'm sorry....carry on...
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-THE SORTING ROOM(FUNCTION ROOM)-DAY
ELIAS and JAMES are in a function room called the sorting
room clearing coffee cups off the tables.
JAMES
Well?
ELIAS
Well what?
JAMES
What happened?
ELIAS
(sarcastically)
They were all so charming....they
swept me off my feet...I'm spoilt
for choice. I don't know who to
pick. The moron,the stupid,the
idiot,the imbecile or the retard?
You know what on of them said to
me?
(mimicking that girls's
voice)
I wanna meet as many people as
possible...especially men!....and I
went like......excuse me?..My
darling? There's one job that can
make your dream come
true.....become a whore sweetheart!
JAMES
Excuse me...what are you looking
for?....A virgin?
ELIAS
I'm looking for a half decent girl.
JAMES
There ain't no half decent girls in
England....I told you so.
ELIAS
Good things come to those who wait.
JAMES
Yeah! The widow and her five
orphans!
JAMES picks up a tray full of dirty coffee cups and exits the
function room. ELIAS picks up a tray as well and crosses
towards the door. He grabs the handle to open the door but
the handle comes off loose. He leaves the tray on the floor
and tries to fit the handle back in the door. He tries many
times but his efforts are fruitless. He realizes that he's
actually locked in the room.
ELIAS
Jesus Christ...what've I done to
deserve this!
(glancing around him)
No telephone in the room! What a
surprise!
He crosses toward the windows of the function room which is
on the second floor of the hotel overlooking the entrance. He
looks out the window.
ELIAS'S POV: A Japanese man and his wife carrying suitcases
walking toward the front door of the hotel.
ELIAS
(to the Japanese man)
EXCUSE ME!! HELLO!!
The Japanese couple stop and turn their heads to ELIAS'S
direction. They've got the typical huge Japanese smile on
their faces.
ELIAS
(leaning out the window)
HELLO!! Can you do me a favour
please? Can you go to reception and
tell them that Elias is locked in
the sorting room?
The Japanese keep on smiling without doing anything.
ELIAS
Can you please go to reception and
tell them that I'm locked in the
sorting room?
The Japanese nod yes,still smiling,but they're still standing
there looking at Elias,doing nothing to help him. It's
obvious that they don't understand a word in English. The
Japanese man takes his camera out and starts taking pictures
of ELIAS.
ELIAS
What the fuck!! CAN YOU GO TO
RECEPTION AND TELL THEM THAT I GOT
LOCKED IN THIS FUCKING ROOM?
The Japanese keep on smiling and nodding yes,but still doing
nothing.
ELIAS
(holding the door handle
in his hands)
Have you ever got a door handle
thrown in to your face? Keep on
smiling and it will soon happen!
Another customer walks by carrying a suitcase.
ELIAS
Excuse me sir! Excuse me! Do you
speak English?
CUSTOMER
(heavy texas accent
glancing up)
Yeah!
ELIAS
Thanks God. Can you please go to
reception and tell them that Elias
got locked in the sorting room?
CUSTOMER
The sorting room? What are you
doing in the sorting room son? Are
you getting sorted or something?
ELIAS
No sir...it's just the stupid name
of a stupid function room. All
right?
CUSTOMER
And your name is Elias?
ELIAS
Yes.
CUSTOMER
That's a Jewish name. Are you a
Jew?
ELIAS
(to himself)
Jesus Christ...what have I done to
deserve this!!!
EXT. ICELAND SUPER MARKET-DAY
VIEW ON ELIAS as he walks towards the entrance of a super
market.
INT. ICELAND SUPER MARKET-DAY
ELIAS enters the super market,takes a trolley and starts to
cross one of the corridors glancing at the shelves and
occasionally stopping to check products. Ahead of him there's
a super market girl(JANE) stocking the shelves. ELIAS walks
toward her.
ELIAS
(to Jane)
Excuse me? Could you please tell me
where do you keep the chocolate
spreads and all that chocolate
stuff?
JANE turns her head and sees ELIAS. She's dumbfounded. By the
expression on her face we can tell that ELIAS is some sort of
a man of her dreams. ELIAS scratches his head. He can't
understand why JANE is looking at him that way. He glances
around him and then touches his face to make sure that
everything is all right with it.
ELIAS
(to himself)
Do I have any big pimple on my face
or something?
JANE
(in a trance)
The...the ..the chocolate spread?
Would you like to follow me? I'll
show you.
ANOTHER ANGLE
ELIAS and JANE arrive at the section where the chocolates are
kept.
JANE
There you go.
ELIAS
Oh! Thank you.
ELIAS starts filling his trolley with all sorts of chocolates
and chocolate spreads.
JANE
(still in a trance)
Is there anything else that I can
do for you?
ELIAS
No thank you!...Actually can you
tell me...have you got any Sara Lee
double chocolate cakes?
ANOTHER ANGLE
ELIAS crosses toward a register. The super market is quiet
and there's only one customer ahead of him who pays the girl
at the register and leaves. The girl sitting at the register
is ELAINE that we met earlier on. She glances up...she sees
ELIAS and smiles at him the most amazing smile imaginable...a
smile of a lifetime. ELIAS is DUMBFOUNDED....swept off his
feet...but he quickly pulls himself together,trying to avoid
looking like an idiot.
ELAINE
Hello!
ELIAS
Hi!
ELAINE
(while checking out items
using the bar code
machine,occasionally
stopping to glance at
Elias)
Is this your first time here?
ELIAS
There's a first time for
everything.
ELAINE
I've got a very good memory. I
never forget faces. I've been here
for the last four months and I can
literally remember everybody....Are
you new in the area?
ELIAS
Four weeks.
ELAINE
Spanish?
ELIAS
No.
ELAINE
Italian?
ELIAS
No.
ELAINE
Turkish?
ELIAS
(upset)
Of course I'm not!!
ELAINE
Hm!!...By the way you reacted to my
question I can tell you're a Greek.
ELIAS
Spot on!
CLOSE SHOT OF ELAINE as her happy mood changes having
realized that ELIAS is Greek and she's Turkish.
ELAINE
So what is a Greek God doing in
England?
ELIAS
I've got my reasons to be
here...You're American right?
ELAINE
Sort of.
ELIAS
So what is an American doing in
England?
ELAINE
I've got my reasons......so where
are you working?
ELIAS
I work at the Noke hotel as
conference porter.
ELAINE
Do you live in?
ELIAS
I live in the staff house of the
hotel,along with two
alcoholics......no!...the Dog
included,it's three alcoholics.
VIEW ON JANE as she's glancing at ELAINE and ELIAS from a
distance,with an expression of jealousy on her face.
VIEW ON ELAINE
ELAINE
So how long do you intend to stay
here?
ELIAS
Well,I can't go back to Greece
anyway. One of the reasons why I
left was because I didn't want to
go to the army.
At that point ELAINE realizes that JANE is motioning to her
with her hands. ELAINE looks at JANE but she can't really
understand what JANE wants from her. ELAINE looks confused.
JANE points to ELIAS with her fingers. ELIAS turns around and
sees JANE pointing at him with her fingers. JANE stops
immediately and returns to work. ELIAS turns his eyes back to
ELAINE.
ELAINE
(smiling and glancing at
the dozens of chocolate
spreads that Elias is
buying)
Well I guess she wants me to go and
help her restock the shelves with
chocolate spreads and
chocolates.....are you invited to a
children's party or something?
ELIAS
No.
ELAINE
Do you have children?
ELIAS
No.
ELAINE
So who is all this chocolate stuff
for?
ELIAS
My self.
ELAINE
You're joking,right?
ELIAS
No....life's not been fair to me,so
that's how I take my revenge.
ELAINE
By replacing your bloodstream with
a sugar stream?
ELIAS
It could be worse. I could be
replacing my bloodstream with an
alcohol stream or a drug
stream....at least it's only
chocolate.
ELAINE
You're gonna die of diabetes sooner
or later.
ELIAS
Who cares? My life is not that
interesting anyway.
ELAINE
It can't be that bad! You're a very
handsome guy...(glancing at
Jane)...I'm sure there's lots of
women running after you.....by the
way...how come you don't get fat
eating all that stuff?
ELIAS
I just don't worry and I don't care
about getting fat.....that's the
secret.
ELAINE
So it's fifty pounds worth of
chocolate!
ELIAS takes a credit card out of his pocket and hands it to
ELAINE.
ELIAS
The best thing that hard earned
wages can be spent on.
ELAINE
(giving Elias the credit
card slip to sign)
They say that some people use
chocolate as a substitute for sex!
ELIAS
(signing)
Hm...whatever!......Okay I have to
get going. Nice to meet you.
ELAINE
I think you forgot something.
ELIAS
What?
ELAINE
You forgot to tell me your name.
ELIAS
Elias.
ELAINE
(extending her hand)
Elaine...
(shaking hands)
Pleased to meet you.
ELIAS
(smiling-grabbing the
shopping bags)
See you later.
ELAINE
See you.
As soon as ELIAS exits the super market,JANE rushes toward
ELAINE.
JANE
I've just met the man I wanna marry
and have children with.
ELAINE
Really?....and who might that be?
JANE
You've been talking to him.
ELAINE
Ah!!...the Greek God you mean.
JANE
Is he Greek?
ELAINE
Typical!
JANE
I've seen the way you were looking
at him. You fancy him right?
ELAINE
Jane what are you talking about?
I've got a boyfriend.....let alone
that he's Greek and I'm Turkish!
JANE
You're what?
ELAINE
The only reason why I have an
American accent is because I grew
up in America. My last name is
Ozturk and both my parents are
Turkish.
JANE
I thought that Turkish people are
dark.
ELAINE
Oh shut up! Turks come in all
shades. You can even have blond
Turks with blue eyes.
JANE
I've seen the way he was looking at
you.
ELAINE
Jane,do you know that the Greeks
hate the Turks and the Turks hate
the Greeks?
JANE
No!
ELAINE
Let me put it in another way. Do
you know that the Palestinians hate
the Jews and the Jews hate the
Palestinians?
JANE
(hesitating)
Y..Yes! I've seen stuff on TV.
ELAINE
Well...take that hatred,multiply it
by one hundred and you get an idea
of how the Greeks feel about the
Turks and the other way round.
JANE
Can you help me?
ELAINE
With what?
JANE
With h..
ELAINE
(understanding)
Elias...his name is Elias. What do
you want me to do?...Next time he
comes in,go and speak to him....ask
him out.
JANE
Elaine,help me please! Whenever I
meet someone that I like,I just run
away. I'll never find the courage
to speak to him.
ELAINE
Well in that case,you'll never go
out with someone that you like.
JANE
Will you help me?
ELAINE
Okay! I'll figure out something.
JANE
Thank you! I'll name one of the
children that I'll have with him
after you.
ELAINE
(grimacing funnily)
Considering that you haven't been
able to speak to him yet,I don't
see how you can possibly have kids
with him........except if you pray
to God for an immaculate
conception!
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-CORRIDORS-RECEPTION-DAY
ELIAS and JAMES are crossing a hotel corridor.
JAMES
(sarcastically)
You met the woman of your dreams in
a super market! Right!!
ELIAS
She's got the most unimaginable
smile imaginable......sweeter that
sugar can be.....she's got
class...quality...everything I ever
wanted...everything I ever dreamed
of. She's the kind of girl that
makes you wanna go all the way
through.
JAMES
The kind of girl that makes you
wanna go all the way through! What
the fuck is that supposed to mean?
ELIAS
It means that I'm swept off my feet
big time!
JAMES
You're incorrigibly romantic.
You're riding for a fall
ELIAS
At least I'm riding for
something....you're riding for
nothing! You're only hope is the
widow and her five orphans.
ANOTHER ANGLE
ELIAS and JAMES arrive at reception. SIMON is behind the desk
and an old lady is standing in front of him.
SIMON
(to Elias and James)
Elias,James....could you possibly
help the lady with her luggage?
ELIAS
Certainly....where's the luggage?
SIMON
It's outside.
EXT. THE NOKE HOTEL-DAY
ELIAS and JAMES exit the hotel. There's a minivan parked
outside the entrance and the driver looking really sweaty has
just finished unloading fifteen big suitcases.
ELIAS
(glancing at the
suitcases)
I think it's going to be a long
stay.
JAMES
What the fuck? Is she the only
survivor of the Titanic or
something? I listen to your plan.
ELIAS
My plan is that there's no plan.
We're fucked!!
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-CORRIDOR-CONTINUOUS
VIEW ON ELIAS and JAMES as they carry the last two suitcases
to the old lady's room. They both look the worse for
wear..really sweaty.
They enter the room,they leave the suitcases and then exit.
The old lady comes to the door holding lots of change in her
hands.
OLD LADY
(counting the change)
Thank you boys. Now can you tell me
how much do you usually get tipped
in this place?
JAMES
Oh madam! We never get tipped in
this place!
OLD LADY
(shutting the door in
their faces without
giving them any tip)
All right then. Good bye.
ELIAS is dumbfounded. He's glancing at JAMES.
JAMES
(shrugging)
What? I just told the truth!
ELIAS
And the truth was very important to
be told in this case,right?
JAMES shrugs.
ELIAS (cont'd)
(glancing over James's
shoulder and pointing
with his finger)
Look!!! Nicole Kidman!!!
JAMES turns around to look and ELIAS gets the chance to land
a powerful kick in his arse. JAMES turns around trying to
complain. ELIAS starts swearing at him in Greek and walks off
grimacing funnily.
EXT. HMV SHOP-DAY
ELIAS,JAMES and PHIL enter an HMV shop.
INT. HMV SHOP-DAY
ELIAS,JAMES and PHIL are checking the Dvds and Cds. ELIAS
grabs a Dvd from the stand.
ELIAS
Now,that's what I call a deal! The
midnight express on dvd and the
soundtrack on cd bundled together
for 10 pounds. This is a steal!
JAMES
I've never watched this film.
PHIL
Me neither!
ELIAS
You're kidding me,right? This is
the best movie ever made in the
history of mankind and you've never
seen it?
JAMES
I prefer the star wars.
PHIL
Jack ass the movie is the best
movie of all time.
ELIAS
Unimaginable cunts you are! I'll
buy me a copy and I'll buy a copy
for you as well. WATCH IT AND
LEARN!!
JAMES
What is it about anyway?
ELIAS
It's about a poor American who gets
a lifetime sentence in prison,in
Turkey,for trying to smuggle a
handful of cocaine out of Istanbul
airport. This movie is the
apotheosis of Turkish barbarism!!
JAMES
You mean to say that this movie is
full of hatred for the Turks!
ELIAS
They deserve it anyway.....once an
animal,always an animal. They were
barbarians from the start...they
still are.
EXT. BOOTS STORE - LATER
VIEW ON ELIAS as he enters the store.
INT. BOOTS STORE - CONTINUOUS
VIEW ON ELIAS as he crosses the women's section of the store
towards the men's section. There's a woman standing in front
of a stand full of women's perfumes. As ELIAS passes by,the
woman sprays perfume on her,but by accident a mist of spray
gets in Elias's eyes.
ELIAS
(angry-rubbing his eyes)
Christ sake's woman!!...I'll need a
new pair of eyes after
that...what've I done to deserve
this?
The woman turns around. It's ELAINE. She realizes that the
person shouting at her is ELIAS. She smiles. ELIAS still
rubbing his eyes and still not being able to see
anything,continues to cross towards the men's section. On his
way he trips over a funny looking little dog and he goes
down. The DOG starts to bark at him.
ELIAS
It's getting better and better.
Jesus Christ!!
EXT. OUTSIDE SEATING OF CAFE VICOLO - LATER
ELIAS is sitting at a table reading a magazine.
ELAINE (O.S.)
You're not gonna need a new pair of
eyes after all. You can still see.
ELIAS glances up. He's surprised to see ELAINE.
ELIAS
Elaine ....hi!! What did you say?
ELAINE
The woman that almost got you blind
earlier on,was me.
ELIAS
(smiling)
Oh!...right!..I'm sorry! I didn't
mean to get angry!
I didn't know it was you
anyway.......Take your seat!...Have
a coffee!
ELAINE
(smiling)
Okay.
The waiter arrives at the table.
ELAINE
(to the waiter)
Just an orange juice,please.
(glancing at Elias's HMV
bag on the table)
So what did you buy?...Can I have a
look.
ELIAS
Yeah!...Go ahead!
ELAINE takes out the midnight express DVD out of the bag and
glances at it.
ELIAS
That's the best movie of all time.
I must have seen it over two
hundred times.
ELAINE
(smiling)
Oh! The Midnight Express! What a
surprise! The most hated movie in
Turkey is a Greek's favorite film.
Why do you like it so much?
ELIAS
Because it's the apotheosis of the
Turkish barbarism,corruption and
filth.
ELAINE
Do you hate the Turks?
ELIAS
I don't like them.
ELAINE
Have you ever met one?
ELIAS
No...but they're pigs anyway. Once
a pig always a pig.
ELAINE
They say that Turkish girls are
very pretty.
ELIAS
HA!!...let me laugh my head off!!
Turkish girls? They are the ugliest
girls in the universe! They've got
moustaches,sideburns,yellow teeth,
they don't shave their arm
pits,their legs,they're
short,fat....they've got greasy
hair...
ELAINE
(a bit upset)
Have you ever met a Turkish girl?
ELIAS
No!...and I wouldn't wanna meet one
either.
ELAINE
(upset)
Well it makes me wonder!! If you've
never met a Turkish girl,how do you
know that they don't shave their
arm pits?
ELIAS
I imagine so!
ELAINE
Hm!!...have you got a girlfriend?
ELIAS
No.
ELAINE
So what sort of women do you like?
ELIAS glances deep in her eye. We can sense the electricity
in the air.
ELIAS
(trying to seduce
her,literally describing
the way she looks)
I like women with long black shiny
hair....Black eyes full of
fire,teeth whiter than the sun,skin
whiter than a swan...
ELAINE
(interrupting him)
...and arm pits with no hair.
ELIAS
Why not?
ELAINE checks her watch feeling a bit uncomfortable. The
waiter comes with a glass of orange juice. He leaves it on
the table.
ELAINE
Well I have to go.
ELIAS
You're not going to drink your
juice?
ELAINE gets up...she smiles and drinks half of the juice.
ELAINE
Well thank you...I'll speak to you
later.
ELIAS
Good buy.
ELAINE leaves. ELIAS takes the half full glass of orange
juice,turns it toward the place where ELAINE'S lips left a
mark on,and drinks the rest of the juice,closing his eyes as
if kissing ELAINE.
INT. STAFF HOUSE-KITCHEN-DAY
ELIAS is in the kitchen. He opens a kitchen drawer and takes
a fork out. He looks at it for a while. The fork is obviously
dirty. He takes another out but it's dirty as well. Soon he
realizes that all the cutlery in the kitchen drawer is dirty.
JAMES walks into the kitchen,in his under wears,half
awake,half asleep,with fly away hair,looking like somebody's
nightmare.
ELIAS
(holding a dirty fork)
James?...Question! Is this clean or
dirty?
JAMES glances at the fork,scratching his head.
JAMES
It's clean.
JAMES walks to the sink,turns on the tap and starts to drink
water using his left hand.
ELIAS
James?....I'm going to ask you the
question once again and if I don't
get the right answer I'm gonna go
ballistic!!....Is this fork clean
or dirty?
JAMES
Look!...by my standards it's
clean...by your standards it's
dirty. Different people have
different standards...simple as
that!
ELIAS
(smiling softly)
My father used to tell me,when
someone upsets you count to
three,take a deep breath and it
will go
away.....One...two...three..
(he takes a deep breath
and exhales)
It didn't work.
(shouting like a maniac)
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY MY STANDARDS
IT'S DIRTY...BY YOUR STANDARDS IT'S
CLEAN. THIS IS CLEAN ONLY BY A
PIG'S STANDARDS!!!
JAMES
(very calm)
Are you calling me a pig?
ELIAS looks straight into the camera and then back to JAMES.
ELIAS
(sounding very funny and
very loud)
YEAH!!!!
JAMES
(very calm)
It doesn't bother me none. My
mother used to call me a pig ever
since I was five. I'm used to it.
Look...I believe in democracy and
as a Greek you should believe in
democracy too! I have the right to
have my opinion and you have the
right to have yours.
ELIAS
(shouting)
What does democracy have to do with
putting away dirty cutlery....can
you explain to me?
JAMES
(scratching his head)
Look...it's too early in the
morning. I can't put my mind to
think.
ELIAS
It's three o'clock in the afternoon
and you can't put your mind to
think anyway.....but I'm sure...
(grabs all the dirty
cutlery from the kitchen
drawer and throws them in
the kitchen sink)
...I'm sure you can put your hands
to wash.
INT. ICELAND SUPER MARKET-DAY
The super market is quiet. ELAINE is sitting at a register.
JANE walks towards her.
ELAINE
Hm...Jane...guess who I met
yesterday.
JANE
Who?
ELAINE
The Greek God!!
JANE
Really?...did he say anything about
me?
ELAINE
(thinking for a second)
N...not exactly. He was singing the
Turkish girls praises!!
JANE
Excuse me?
ELAINE
Nothing..leave it...Ooops!! Speak
of the devil!
ELAINE'S POV: ELIAS enters the super market and picks up a
basket. JANE turns her head and sees ELIAS.
JANE
(very stressed)
Elaine please help me...do
something!
ELAINE
What do you want me to do?
JANE
Talk to him...please!!
VIEW ON ELIAS as he puts jars of chocolate spread in his
basket. JANE walks towards him.
JANE
(looking and sounding like
a love struck teenager)
Hi!!
ELIAS
(cold)
Hi.
JANE
Is there anything that I can help
you with?
ELIAS
No...I know where things are now.
JANE
Are you sure?
ELIAS
Yes.
ELIAS leaves JANE and continues to cross the corridor. JANE
looks disappointed. ELIAS walks to the register where ELAINE
is sitting.
ELAINE
Topping up your sugar stream??
ELIAS
I think you're just jealous because
I can eat all these chocolates
without getting fat.
ELIAS starts to empty his basket ( full of chocolate spreads)
and ELAINE starts to check out the items.
ELAINE
So how are you?
JANE motions to ELAINE with her hands from a distance. ELAINE
grimaces.
ELIAS
I'm still alive! How about you?
ELAINE
I'm still alive.....Do you do
anything else apart from eating
nutellas when you're off?....Have
you got many friends here in Saint
Albans?
ELIAS
I wouldn't say that.
ELAINE
Would you like to swap mobile phone
numbers with me and may be we could
go out together for a drink next
Friday?
ELIAS
(surprised)
Yes!...absolutely...definitely!! I
mean it would be great!! I'd love
to!!
VIEW ON ELAINE as she smiles at ELIAS a smile that implies a
lot.
INT. STAFF HOUSE-AFTERNOON
ELIAS enters the staff house after work. He looks tired. He
goes up the stairs that lead to the lounge. JAMES and PHIL
are in the lounge watching the Midnight Express. The whole
room is filled with smoke. It's pretty obvious that they've
been smoking a lot. ELIAS glances at them in desperation.
ELIAS
(fed up)
Don't Bogart the place! I told you
a thousand times that I hate
smoke,but you just keep on fucking
me off!
PHIL
Hey...my Greek friend...the rules
of democracy apply in this house.
We're two...you're one...We
win..you loose...we keep on
smoking.
ELIAS
Pigs!
JAMES
We are and we're proud of the
species we belong to!
ELIAS
By the way...do you know who is
coming to inspect the staff house
tomorrow?
PHIL
(sarcastically)
Mrs Connors?
ELIAS
I'm afraid not! It's not Mrs
Connors....it's the General Manager
himself! If the staff house is not
spotless tomorrow we're all going
to get sacked!!....so you'd better
move your asses,get yourselves into
gear,cause we start
cleaning!.....NOW!!
A MONTAGE OF SCENES BEGINS
A montage of hilarious scenes of the boys cleaning the staff
house begins. The song "ISTANBUL BLUES" taken from the
soundtrack of "Midnight Express" plays all through the
montage. What makes it even funnier is that at some points
there's a perfect synchronization of the boys's lips with the
song we hear. For example when ELIAS is cleaning the toilet
his lips are synchronized to the part of the song that goes
"oh lord now save me! Come and save me from this pain!!"
THE MONTAGE BEGINS.
A) JAMES and PHIL grab a hoover and start to hoover the
lounge. B) ELIAS starts in the toilet. He cleans the horribly
dirty toilet seat and the horribly dirty lavatory pan. C)
JAMES swipes the surface of the TV with a white cloth. The
cloth gets black from the unimaginable dirt. D) ELIAS cleans
the filthy toilet sink which is blocked with lots of hair. E)
PHIL is cleaning the windows F) ELIAS is the kitchen now. He
opens the fridge and takes out a bunch of "black bananas" and
bins them. After that he takes a bottle of milk out of the
fridge and starts pouring it into the sink. It's pretty
obvious that the milk has expired a long,long time ago.
There's an expression of disgust on ELIAS'S face.
G) VIEW ON JAMES and PHIL as they carry full bin bags down
the stairs that lead to the entrance door. H) ELIAS,JAMES and
PHIL are glancing at the dog. The dog starts to howl. ELIAS
motions to JAMES and PHIL to grab the dog. ELIAS,JAMES and
PHIL push the reluctant DOG towards the toilet. They put it
in the bath tub and start to wash it while the DOG HOWLS. I)
ELIAS inspects the carpet in the lounge area. It's clean. He
moves the sofa and the carpet under it is filthy. There's a
couple of small boxes as well. ELIAS grabs one. It's a packet
of condoms. He flings it in JAMES'S face. J) VIEW ON
ELIAS,JAMES and PHIL as they put various useless objects in
bin bags and then carry the bin bags down the stairs. K) VIEW
ON JAMES as he MOPS the kitchen floor. PHIL walks by and
leaves dirty foot prints on the floor that JAMES has just
mopped. JAMES starts to scream and attacks PHIL with the mop.
L) ELIAS is on a step ladder trying to clear the spiders webs
off the lamps. The song stops for a second.
ELIAS (cont'd)
(to James and Phil
grabbing a big spider's
web)
This is worse than fucking Indiana
Jones in the Well of the Souls!!!
The song starts again. M) JAMES is in his room putting porn
magazines in a bin bag. N) PHIL is washing plates. O) ELIAS
is polishing door handles. P) JAMES is making his bed. Q)
VIEW ON ELIAS,JAMES and PHIL as they carry more bin bags down
the stairs. END OF SONG. R) ELIAS,JAMES and PHIL stand in the
lounge exchanging glances. The staff house is clean at last!!
INT. ELIAS'S ROOM-NIGHT
ELIAS checks himself in the mirror. He looks stressed. He's
dressed for his date with ELAINE. He takes off his jacket and
puts on a different one. He checks himself in the mirror
again.
INT. STAFF HOUSE-LOUNGE - CONTINUOUS
JAMES and PHIL are sitting in the lounge watching TV. ELIAS
crosses the lounge on his way out.
JAMES
(sarcastically)
Oh Elaine! I want you to be the
mother of my children. Will you
marry me?
ELIAS
Fuck off!
PHIL
Don't forget the condoms!!
ELIAS
Don't forget to keep the widow and
her five orphans warm tonight!!
EXT. THE STREET OUTSIDE THE "PEAHEN PUB"-NIGHT
ELIAS is waiting outside the peahen pub. He checks his watch.
He looks nervous. He glances around and checks his watch once
again. He looks to his left.
ELIAS'S POV: ELAINE,JANE and a MAN turn around the corner and
walk towards him. ELAINE is dressed casually,while JANE is
dressed and looks like a sex bomb.
ELAINE
(big smile)
Hi!
ELIAS
(big smile)
Hi!
ELAINE
I believe you've already met Jane.
JANE
(love struck)
Hi Elias!
ELIAS
Hi.
ELAINE
...and this is David...my other
half.
ELIAS'S smile is wiped off his face. He tries hard to hide
his disappointment,but it definitely shows on his face.
DAVID
Hi Elias.
ELIAS
(a bitter smile)
Hi David.
INT. THE PEAHEN PUB-NIGHT
ELIAS,ELAINE,JANE and DAVID enter the pub.
DAVID
Okay...I'm buying the first round.
What can I get you?
ELAINE
A bailey's with ice please.
JANE
I'll have the same please.
ELIAS
A pint of lager.
DAVID walks to the bar while ELIAS,ELAINE and JANE take their
seats around a table. There's an uncomfortable silence for a
while.
JANE
So...Elias...you're Greek,right?
ELIAS
Right.
JANE
How old are you,if I may ask?
ELIAS
Thirty times the earth around the
sun.
JANE
(sounding very stupid)
How many years is that?
ELAINE
(sarcastically)
I believe it's thirty years Jane!!
JANE
Really? You look younger!
ELAINE
It must be the nutella!
JANE
They say that Greek men are the
most handsome men in the world! I
believe that's true......I like
that dimple on your chin!
ELIAS
You wouldn't believe how hard it is
to shave it!
JANE
Greece is a lovely country. I don't
understand why you left,to come
here.
ELIAS
(glancing at Elaine
sitting across him)
I thought that my other half might
be here,but I was obviously wrong!
JANE
Greek girls must be very pretty.
ELIAS
Mm...
ELAINE
(sarcastically)
...and Turkish girls are the
ugliest girls in the world!
ELIAS
I don't understand why you take it
so personal.
ELAINE
Okay...let's say you meet a girl
and you fancy her a lot, and after
a while you find out that she's
Turkish....how would you react?
ELIAS
Yeah!...and if my grandma had
wheels she would be a bicycle!
ELAINE
No,seriously!
ELIAS
There's no seriousness to your
question. It never happened before
in the history of mankind and it
never will. A Greek could never be
attracted to a Turk and the other
way round. It's simply impossible!
DAVID brings the drinks and joins them at the table. He
lights a cigarette and offers ELIAS one. ELIAS nods no.
DAVID
Amazing! A Greek that doesn't
smoke!
It's like a Scottish man that
doesn't drink whiskey!....so how do
you like England so far?
ELIAS
It's not bad.
DAVID
Correct! The problem with England
is that everything is just not bad
but nothing is good......how do you
like your job?
ELIAS
I just do it.
DAVID
Me too....I just do it...and by the
way I've been sitting on my ass all
day at the office and last thing I
wanna do is come here and sit in a
chair.....
(getting up)
Elaine come on!....let's go to the
dance floor.
ELAINE
I'm not in the mood for dancing.
Later maybe.
JANE
Elias,would you like to dance?
ELIAS
I don't like dancing in pubs.
DAVID
Well Jane,let's go together and let
Elaine and Elias here get a nice
deep vein thrombosis!
DAVID and JANE walk to the dance floor,leaving ELAINE and
ELIAS alone. There's an uncomfortable silence for a while.
ELAINE
She's a very pretty girl...isn't
she?......She likes you a lot you
know...but she's very shy.
ELIAS
That wasn't fair on me. I thought
it was going to be just you and me.
ELAINE
Look...I didn't mean to mislead
you.
ELIAS
But you did!
ELAINE
I just wanted to help Jane. That's
all.
ELIAS
You wanted to help Jane by
misleading me? What did you achieve
apart from making me feel like an
idiot?
ELAINE
I didn't mean to make you feel like
an idiot!
ELIAS
But you did!
ELAINE
Elias,what do you mean to
say?.....that you fancy me or
something?
ELIAS
(getting up)
I mean to say that you're an
absolute jerk!
ELIAS walks off.
ELAINE
(turning her head)
Elias?....Elias?
An expression of disappointment on ELAINE'S face.
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-COCKTAIL BAR-NIGHT
ELIAS is in the cocktail bar playing an original love theme
at the mini grand piano. It's late and there's no customers
around. There's only waiters clearing tables. ELIAS is an
accomplished pianist. He stops playing and drinks some beer
from the pint glass on the piano.
ELIAS
(drunk)
Life?....life is the most horrible
thing that can happen to someone.
If it happens to you,you're
fucked!....well it happened to
me....why?....because God hates
me...because I'm cursed!
He starts to play the piano again. After a while he stops and
drinks more beer. He starts playing again. JAMES comes from
behind him and strikes a low key on the piano.
JAMES
All women are bitches!
ELIAS
How original!
JAMES
What happened?
ELIAS
Nothing! That's what happened.
JAMES
The woman of your dreams huh? At
least the widow and her five
orphans never give me any
grief...Come on...get up..let's go.
ELIAS
(drunk)
Question!...Question! Why do all
the girls that I like happen to be
someone else's girlfriends?
JAMES
It happens to me all the time.
Welcome to the club of the cursed.
Come on...get up....it's late.
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-CORRIDOR-DAY
ELIAS knocks on a door. He's holding a tray with a coffee pot
and a coffee cup in it.
ELIAS
Hello...room service.
MR RUFFIANELLI opens the door.
MR RUFFIANELLI
Hi...come in.
ELIAS gets in the room. MR RUFFIANELLI closes the door.
ELIAS
Where would you like me to leave
the tray?
MR RUFFIANELLI
Over there,on the table.
ELIAS walks toward the table and while bending carefully to
leave the tray on the table MR RUFFIANELLI feels ELIAS'S bum.
ELIAS
(turning around)
Excuse me!!!.....Hello!!!
MR RUFFIANELLI
(smiling)
Oh,it's not what you think. I'm
straighter than a straight line can
be. Nice bum!
Muscular...tight...exactly what I'm
looking for!
ELIAS
(upset)
Men touching my ass,is not what I'M
looking for sir!
MR RUFFIANELLI
You don't understand. Do you know
who I am?
ELIAS
You're someone who is looking
forward to finding out the secrets
of the after life!
MR RUFFIANELLI
My name is Ruffianelli. I'm one of
the best directors in the world.
MR RUFFIANELLI gives ELIAS his business card.
MR RUFFIANELLI
Have you seen a movie called "the
bigger the better?"
ELIAS
No!
MR RUFFIANELLI
"Deeper and deeper?"
ELIAS
No!
MR RUFFIANELLI
Anyway...I made these movies and
I'll pay you ten thousand dollars
to star in my next film.
ELIAS
Only ten thousand dollars? I'm not
that cheap!
MR RUFFIANELLI
Well I need to check you
first.....the most important thing
in our business is being able to
hold your erection for a long time!
ELIAS
Aaaahh!! Now I understand what sort
of films you make. Well...no..I'm
not interested. I'd rather become a
grave digger!
MR RUFFIANELLI
What's the problem? Are you a
faggot? You don't like shagging
women?
ELIAS
(upset)
Excuse me? I'm straighter than a
straight line can be,and by the way
this is the biggest insult you
could ever insult a Greek with.
(thinks for a second)
NO!! This is the second best insult
you could ever insult a Greek with.
MR RUFFIANELLI
(sarcastically)
Really?....and what's the first
best insult you could ever insult a
Greek with?
ELIAS
....to say that the Greeks look
like the Turks!!
MR RUFFIANELLI
(thinks for a second)
Hm!! I've been to Turkey last year
and I have to admit that I've seen
many guys looking like you.
ELIAS
(upset-glancing at the
empty coffee cup on the
tray)
I think that your coffee cup needs
some polishing!.......the Cecil
way!!
INT. STAFF HOUSE-LOUNGE-DAY
ELIAS is sitting in the sofa watching TV,spooning out nutella
and talking to his mother on his mobile phone which is on
speaker mode.
ELIAS
(fed up)
No mum I haven't lost weight...I'm
fine.
MOTHER (O.S.)
You have to let me come and cook
for you.
ELIAS
(sarcastically)
Okay mum!...wait a second...I'll
beam you up.....okay mum I have to
go....I'll speak to you later.
MOTHER
Dress warm and stay away from
English girls...they're dirty. Only
Greek girls are good!!
ELIAS
Okay mum,I'll dress warm and stay
away from English girls....good
bye!
ELIAS is glancing at the empty jar of nutella.
EXT. ICELAND SUPER MARKET-DAY
VIEW ON ELIAS as he enters the super market.
INT. ICELAND SUPER MARKET-DAY
ELIAS enters the super market. ELAINE sees him from a
distance and rushes toward him.
ELAINE
Elias....hi!
ELIAS doesn't answer. He grabs a basket and starts to cross a
corridor. ELAINE is following him.
ELAINE
You're not even going to greet me?
You're just going to give me the
cold shoulder? Are you gonna let me
apologize at least?
ELIAS
I don't want and I don't need your
apology. I just wanna do my
shopping and go.
ELIAS stops in front of the shelf where the nutellas are
kept.
ELAINE
(starts to put nutellas in
Elias's basket)
Look...I didn't mean to mislead
you. I just wanted to help Jane
cause she's very shy. Anyway
there's so many things about me
that you don't know,that if you
only knew you would hate me.
ELIAS
(taking the nutellas out
of his basket)
I already know,everything I need to
know about you.
ELAINE
(putting the nutellas back
in his basket)
It doesn't have to be this way you
know!....we can be friends.
ELIAS
(putting the nutellas back
on the shelf)
I don't need no friends and I don't
need the fucking nutellas.....all
right?
ELAINE
What?....No nutellas today?
ELIAS
(angry)
NO!
ELAINE
How about some strawberry jam?
ELIAS continues to walk down the corridor. ELAINE doesn't
follow him. ELIAS sees JANE and walks to her. ELAINE is
glancing at them from a distance.
ELIAS
(very warm and inviting)
Hi Jane.
JANE
(love struck)
Hi Elias. How are you?......What
happened the other day? Why did you
leave?
ELIAS
I just had a terrible headache.
That's all......but I would really
love to make it up to you. What are
you doing tomorrow?
JANE
Nothing really.
ELIAS
Would you like to go dancing with
me?
JANE
Oh yes..I'd love to!
ELIAS
Would you like to make a note of my
phone number?
JANE
(taking a pen out of her
pocket and writing on her
skin)
Yes! Certainly!
ELIAS
Okay it's..08977865744. I shall see
you tomorrow okay?
JANE
Okay!
ELIAS gives JANE a very warm kiss in the mouth and walks off.
ELAINE has been watching the whole scene. JANE rushes to
ELAINE.
JANE
He kissed me! He really kissed me.
He's in love with me.
ELAINE
Don't fool yourself Jane. He
doesn't fancy you...He's just
playing with you.
JANE
Why do you say that?
ELAINE
Because I know that he fancies me
and he's just trying to make me
feel jealous.
JANE
Elaine what are you talking about?
You're so pathetic.....I think that
you fancy him and you're just
jealous because he kissed me and
asked me out.
ELAINE
Jane,first of all I've got a
boyfriend and second it's all your
fault!
JANE
What do you mean,it's all my fault?
ELAINE walks off and rushes toward ELIAS who is exiting the
super market.
EXT. ICELAND SUPER MARKET-DAY
ELIAS exits the super market and ELAINE follows him
ELAINE
That's not fair on her. I won't let
you play with her heart. She's my
friend and I care about her.
ELIAS
(stopping)
Excuse me?
ELAINE
Elias you can't make me feel
jealous,simply because I've got a
boyfriend and I love him.
ELIAS
You think too much of
yourself...don't you? Jane is a
gorgeous girl. What makes you think
that I kissed her and asked her out
because I wanted to make you feel
jealous? I kissed her because I
wanted to kiss her and I asked her
out because I wanted to ask her
out...okay?
ELIAS walks off. ELAINE looks confused.
INT. STAFF HOUSE-DAY
ELIAS comes down the stairs half awake,half asleep. He
crosses the lounge toward the kitchen. PHIL is sitting in the
lounge watching TV.
PHIL
Morning.
ELIAS
Mmm!
ELIAS gets in the kitchen and opens a kitchen cupboard.
ELIAS
(glancing at the empty
cupboard)
Oh shit....I've run out of
nutellas.
He opens another cupboard and then another. There's no jars
of chocolate spread anywhere.
ELIAS
Oh Jesus!...I would sell my soul to
satan...I would kill a man for a
jar of nutella right now!
ELIAS crosses to the lounge.
ELIAS
(to Phil)
Have you had any of my nutellas?
PHIL
I don't eat that shit. I prefer
marmite.
ELIAS
Marmite? What is marmite?
PHIL
It's something like chocolate
spread...only it's far more
nutritious. I've got some in the
fridge...try it...spoon it
out...it's delicious.
ELIAS
Marmite...we don't have marmite in
Greece.
PHIL
You don't have marmite in Greece
because you're fucking peasants.
ELIAS
Mmm...
ELIAS crosses to the kitchen and opens the fridge. He takes
out a jar of marmite and studies it. He opens the lid,takes a
spoon and spoons marmite out. He puts it in his mouth. ELIAS
looks straight into the camera. All of a sudden the half
awake,half asleep expression is wiped off his face. Now he's
a man on the verge of death....his eyes wide open...his face
swollen. He rushes to the sink...turns on the tap and starts
to drink water like a maniac. The DOG enters the kitchen and
starts to whimper. ELIAS opens the fridge,takes out a bottle
of coke and starts to drink it like a maniac. After the coke
he starts to eat a yogurt and then he pukes all over the dog
which whimpers even more. ELIAS RUSHES TO THE LOUNGE and
ATTACKS PHIL grabbing him by the neck.
PHIL
Hey..hey!! Are you crazy or
something?
ELIAS
(furious)
This is going to be the last day of
your life you sick
motherfucker...you useless English
piece of shit!!
INT. BATCHWOOD NIGHT CLUB-NIGHT
A CROWDED NIGHTCLUB.
VIEW ON JAMES as he approaches a beautiful girl.
JAMES
Hey baby...ask me!
GIRL A
Ask you what?
JAMES
Ask me what's the best thing ever
happened in my life.
GIRL A
What's the best thing ever happened
in your life?
JAMES
The first time I saw you,twenty
seconds ago.
GIRL A
Have you ever had a euthanasia
session?
JAMES
No!
GIRL A
I suggest you have one as soon as
possible!
The GIRL turns her back on him.
VIEW ON PHIL as he approaches a girl.
PHIL
Hi baby...are you looking for a
slave?....cause if you do,I'm
always available.
GIRL B
No thank you...I'm not that
desperate!!
VIEW ON ELIAS and JANE as they're dirty dancing,body to body.
ELAINE and DAVID are also dancing a little distance away.
DAVID
(to Elaine,glancing at
Elias and Jane)
Look at them!! They can't take
their hands off each other. By the
end of the night it will take a
surgical operation to separate
them. You certainly did a good job.
ELAINE
(quiet upset)
Mmm!
DAVID
(to Elias and Jane)
If you keep on like that, you're
going to evaporate by the end of
the night.
DAVID leaves ELAINE,takes JANE'S hand and starts to dance
with her. ELIAS and ELAINE glance at each other motionless
while all the people around them dance. The dance music stops
and a love song starts. ELIAS and ELAINE are both hesitant
but ELIAS makes the first move,takes ELAINE's hand and they
start to dance.
ELAINE
I hope you're not playing with her
heart.
ELIAS
Is that your major
concern?....because I think that
you're living a lie.
ELAINE
Jane is not an one night stand
girl.
ELIAS
I didn't say so....she actually
invited me to her house to spend
the night.
ELAINE
(upset)
Elias...she's drunk. She doesn't
know what she's doing. She invited
you to her house on your first date
and you're just going to say yes?
ELIAS
First of all it's my second date
with her in case you forgot the
first one and second why should I
say no? It's just sex....it's not
something bad like taking drugs or
something.
ELAINE walks off looking upset. ELIAS smiles softly glancing
at ELAINE as she's walking away. It's pretty obvious that
ELAINE has feelings for ELIAS and ELIAS knows that.
INT. JANE'S ROOM-NIGHT
ELIAS is in bed with JANE. JANE is asleep. ELIAS is glancing
at blank space lost in his thoughts. He certainly looks and
feels guilty. He gets off the bed quietly,puts on his clothes
and walks off,turning around for a second to glance at JANE.
INT. STAFF HOUSE-LOUNGE-DAY
ELIAS is sitting in the sofa watching TV. His mobile phone
rings. We can see the name "JANE" on the phone's display.
ELIAS glances at the mobile phone,shakes his head looking
very confused,but doesn't answer the phone.
EXT. VERULAMIUM PARK-DAY
ELIAS is walking in the park. It's a cloudy day matching
ELIAS's mood. ELIAS glances at a couple kissing. He keeps on
walking. He's almost lost in his own world. His mobile phone
rings. He takes it out of his pocket and looks at it. We can
see the name "JANE" on the phone's display. ELIAS puts his
phone back into his pocket without answering it.
EXT. SAINT ALBANS CITY CENTRE-DAY
ELIAS is walking in the city centre.
VIEW ON THREE TEENAGERS who have surrounded a helpless pigeon
and one of them is about to kick it.
ELIAS (O.S.)
(angry)
Don't even think about it.
TEENAGER 1
(having stopped his kick)
Mind your own business you
arsehole!
ELIAS
(moving close to teenager
1)
I'm going to forgive you for
calling me an arsehole....but if
you dare kick that pigeon,something
very bad is gonna happen to you.
TEENAGER 1
Yeah?...like what?
ELIAS
You're going to find out first hand
how expensive reconstruction
surgery is nowadays.
TEENAGER 2
(pulling away teenager 1)
Come on man...let's go...it's not
worth it.
TEENAGER 3
Yeah!...let's go.
The three teenagers start to walk away.
TEENAGER 1
(shouting)
Go back to your country Jose!!
ELIAS
My name is not Jose!
(mimicking scarface)
My name is Antonio Montana!
ELIAS bends down over the pigeon.
ELIAS
Hey buddy!! How you doing?...what
happened to you? You broke your
wings?...you can't fly?.....You
know what?....you remind me of
someone I know. Where is your
friends?...you have no one to help
you?....Come on let's go.....I'll
take you home.
INT. STAFF HOUSE-LOUNGE-NIGHT
ELIAS is sitting in the sofa spooning out nutella and
watching TV. The pigeon sits right next to him in the sofa
watching TV as well! ELIAS lowers a spoonful of nutella in
front of the pigeon,but the pigeon ignores it.
ELIAS
What?....are you on a diet or
something?
JAMES enters the lounge.
JAMES
(sarcastically)
Well..well..well..look at that. You
finally found yourself an English
bird...and I bet she's exactly your
type! She doesn't drink...she
doesn't smoke...
ELIAS
(like a robot,still
glancing at the TV)
Fuck off!
JAMES
Yes...I'm going to fuck off but
before I do so I have to remind you
that you haven't been to work for
the last three days and they're
going to sack you.
ELIAS
I don't care....I'm leaving anyway.
JAMES
And where are you going if I may
ask?
ELIAS
Back to Greece. I'll be better off
there.
JAMES
Mm!...incorrigibly romantic like a
love struck teenager. It's not
worth it man!...it's not worth
ruining you life for a silly bitch.
You had dreams when you first came
in this country. What happened to
those dreams?
JAMES walks off. ELIAS looks confused.
EXT. SAINT ALBANS CITY CENTRE-DAY
VIEW ON ELIAS as he enters a Travel Agency shop.
INT. TRAVEL AGENCY-DAY
VIEW ON ELIAS as he enters the shop. There's a lady sitting
behind a desk.
LADY
Hello...how may I help you?
ELIAS
Yes...umm...I'm looking to buy a
flight ticket to Athens.
LADY
Certainly....single or return?
ELIAS
(thinking for a second)
Single....definitely single.
EXT. SAINT ALBANS CITY CENTRE-DAY(CONTINUOUS)
ELIAS is walking in the city centre. All of a sudden he
stops. He looks surprised but what he sees a little distance
away.
ELIAS'S POV: DAVID(ELAINE'S boyfriend) kissing passionately
some girl.
ELIAS
(to himself)
Well it seems that Elaine's other
half has many other halves.....the
moment needs to be captured.
ELIAS takes his mobile phone out of his pocket and takes them
a picture while they kiss.
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-CORRIDOR-DAY
ELIAS and JAMES are walking in a hotel corridor. ELIAS looks
happy.
JAMES
Yesterday you was looking like a
man on the verge of committing
suicide and today you look like
someone who won the lottery or
something.....what happened?...what
made you change your mind?
ELIAS
I won the lottery.
JAMES
Yeah right! The millionaire who
found true meaning in his life
doing portering......come on what
happened?
ELIAS
God's got my friend...God's got.
That's what happened.
JAMES
So you're staying?
ELIAS
Of course I am. Why would I wanna
leave when it all starts now!
JAMES
What starts now?
ELIAS
The fun amigo...the fun.
INT. ICELAND SUPER MARKET-DAY
VIEW ON ELIAS as he enters the super market,takes a basket
and starts to cross a corridor.
ELIAS sees ELAINE stuffing a shelf and walks to her. ELAINE
is in tears.
ELIAS
Are you all right?
ELAINE doesn't answer. She keeps on stuffing the shelf with
tears in her eyes. ELIAS shrugs and walks off. He sees JANE
and walks to her.
ELIAS
Hi Jane.
JANE
(surprised)
Elias what happened to you? I've
been trying to call you but you've
not been answering your phone!!
ELIAS
Jane,what happened to Elaine? Why
is she crying?
JANE
Someone sent her a picture message
of her boyfriend kissing another
girl.
ELIAS
Hm..it makes me wonder who that
was.
JANE
So why didn't you call me?
ELIAS
I had some problems with my mobile
phone...I need to change it or
something.....I'll speak to you
later okay?
ELIAS leaves JANE and walks to ELAINE who is still stuffing a
shelf with tears in her eyes.
ELIAS stands next to her for a moment,not saying anything and
then....
ELIAS
In case you're wondering who is the
bastard that sent you the picture
message ....I have to admit it was
me.
ELAINE turns her head and glances at him.
ELIAS
(off her expression)
What?....don't look at me this way.
You have no right. I didn't do
anything wrong. I just protected
you from a love rat. Would you
rather keep on being with
him..knowing nothing about the
things he was doing behind your
back?....You called him your other
half...he didn't deserve it....we
all get to kiss frogs before we get
to kiss the prince or the
princess...it's not the end of the
world.......Anyway I'm not
expecting you to thank me,but I
want you to know something.
When this is all over for
you....when you have no more tears
to cry for that guy....I want you
to know that I'll be there for
you...because there's nothing else
in my life I want more....there's
nothing else in my life I ever
wanted or I'll ever want more than
being with you.
ELAINE
How about Jane?
ELIAS
You know about Jane...I don't need
to tell you.
ELIAS walks off. ELAINE looks very confused.
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-STAFF CANTEEN-DAY
ELIAS,JAMES and PHIL are in the staff canteen,eating. PHIL is
reading a magazine while eating.
PHIL
Unbelievable man...unbelievable.
The grand daughter of Aristotles
Onassis,Athina,gets $110 million
dollars per year in bank
interest...just in fucking bank
interest. What sort of meaning can
someone's existence have when they
get $110 million dollars a year in
bank interest alone!! Her life must
be meaningless.
JAMES
(mimicking playing the air
violin-sarcastically
girl's voice)
Oh I get $110 million dollars a
year in bank interest but my life
is so boring,so meaningless...I
wish I was poor.
(changing tone of voice)
Are you kidding me man? Are you
sick or something? Is there
anything more important than money?
I wish I had that sort of money and
believe you me,I would be the
happiest man in the world and my
life would be full of meaning.
ELIAS
(to James)
So what would you do if you were
rich?
JAMES
Well first things first!! I would
hire six bitches to suck my dick on
a 24 hour basis the Hugh Heffner
style.
ELIAS
And then?
JAMES
I would buy the biggest yacht in
the world and travel all around the
planet...with my six bitches of
course...NO!!....make them twelve!
ELIAS
And then?
JAMES
I would die a happy man,at old
age,in my bed,with an erected penis
and a bitch's tits for a pillow.
ELIAS
Wow!! What a meaningful life. A
real contribution in the history of
man kind.
JAMES
Why?...what's your definition of a
meaningful life? Getting
married...having children...working
like a slave to bring them
up...only to find out that your
teenager daughter is fucking
everybody in the neighborhood and
your teenager son is gay? Well no
thank you! Not me!...so what would
you do if you were rich?
ELIAS
Well first things first! I would
fill a big room up with chocolate
cakes....and ....
The GENERAL MANAGER enters the staff canteen and interrupts
them.
GENERAL MANAGER
Elias...I need your help tonight.
ELIAS
What can I do for you Mr A?
GENERAL MANAGER
The pianist phoned sick and we need
someone to play the piano
tonight...can you do it?
ELIAS
Yeah...why not?...I can carry a
tune...if the money is good.
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-COCKTAIL BAR-NIGHT
ELIAS is playing the piano in the cocktail bar. He's playing
an original love theme.
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-RECEPTION AREA-NIGHT
ELAINE enters the hotel and walks to reception.
ELAINE
(to receptionist)
Excuse me....could you please tell
me if Elias is working tonight?
RECEPTIONIST
Yes..he's in the cocktail
bar...straight through and turn
right.
ELAINE
Thank you.
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-COCKTAIL BAR-NIGHT
ELAINE enters the cocktail bar. She glances around. There's
quite a few people sitting in the leather sofas and arm
chairs having their drinks,while waiters come and go. ELAINE
looks a little confused glancing around her,looking for
ELIAS. Suddenly she realizes that ELIAS is actually playing
the piano. She looks surprised. A soft smile on her face. She
walks to a sofa a little distance behind ELIAS and takes her
seat. A waitress walks to her.
WAITRESS
Hello.
ELAINE
I'll have a large bailey's with ice
please.
VIEW ON ELIAS for a long moment as he plays the original love
theme of the movie.
MR RUFFIANELLI enters the cocktail bar. He sees ELAINE
sitting alone,walks to her and takes his seat next to her.
MR RUFFIANELLI
Hello...Can I buy you a drink?
ELAINE
(smiling)
No thank you...I've already ordered
one.
ELIAS stops playing the piano and glances around him
stretching his muscles. Suddenly he realizes that ELAINE is
sitting behind him and he's taken by surprise. He gets up and
walks to her.
ELIAS
(to Mr Ruffianelli)
No she's not interested in your
movies and she doesn't want to
become an "actress". Why don't you
check the lady over there?
MR RUFFIANELLI glances to his left,where he sees an old lady
sitting alone in a sofa and then he glances back at ELIAS
with an "are you kidding me?" Expression on his face.
ELIAS
The old chicken makes the best
soup!!
MR RUFFIANELLI
The old chicken makes the best
soup?
ELIAS
It's a Greek saying....meaning that
old women are better in.....you
know...you know....
ELIAS motions to him to get up and leave. MR RUFFIANELLI gets
up and leaves. ELIAS sits next to ELAINE.
ELAINE
Who was that?
ELIAS
One hell of a sick
guy!....anyway...what are you doing
here?
ELAINE
What am I doing here?
(pointing with her finger
at the piano)
What are you doing there? I thought
you were a porter.
ELIAS
Well...the pianist phoned
sick...and there was no
alternative.
ELAINE
That piece of music that you were
playing...I've never heard it
before.
ELIAS
You've never heard it before
because it's mine. It's called
"everything yours". I wrote it a
couple of weeks ago.
ELAINE
"Everything yours?"
ELIAS
Yeah...it's about a woman who
pissed me off real bad.....the
woman of my dreams actually....the
woman who I'd like to give
everything I have. That's why I
called it..."Everything yours"
ELAINE
Do I know that woman?
EXT. SAINT ALBANS VERULAMIUM PARK-NIGHT
ELAINE and ELIAS are walking in the park.
ELIAS
So...does it still hurt you?
ELAINE
I just don't understand that sort
of behavior.
What hurt me was his
insincerity...not the fact that he
was seeing someone else behind my
back. I mean...I'd rather he had
told me straight in my face.
ELIAS
Did you love him?
ELAINE
It was my first time away from
home...alone in a foreign
country...I was crying all the time
when I first came here....I just
needed someone.
ELIAS
Well as I said you'll have to kiss
many frogs before you get to kiss
the prince.
ELAINE stops walking. ELIAS stops too.
ELAINE
Are you my prince?
ELIAS
I need to be given a chance to
prove it.
ELAINE moves very close to him,making herself ready to be
kissed.
ELAINE
Am I your princess?
ELIAS
You need to be given a chance to
prove it.
ELAINE
Are you gonna give me the chance?
ELIAS
Definitely!....absolutely!
They kiss passionately. They stop.
ELIAS
There's something very important
you need to know about me.
ELAINE
What?
ELIAS
I've got a hairy chest and a hairy
back and I don't intend to shave
them!
ELAINE
Hm!...there's something very
important you need to know about me
as well!
ELIAS
What?
ELAINE
I've got smelly feet! I've tried
everything....nothing worked.
ELIAS
Hm!...okay! Fair enough! We'll make
a nice couple.
I/E. LONDON AND UK SITES-DAY/NIGHT(MONTAGE)
A MONTAGE of scenes begins with ELIAS and ELAINE FROLICKING
in various London sites and their love building up. An
original love song plays all through the montage.
A) ELIAS and ELAINE in TRAFALGAR SQUARE. ELAINE is sitting
in the lap of a Lion's statue. ELIAS takes her a picture.
ELAINE is feeding pigeons. One of them lands on her head.
ELIAS laughs. B) LEICESTER SQUARE...they're eating ice cream
cones. C) LONDON CHINA TOWN....they're having lunch. D)
WESTMINSTER...ELIAS and ELAINE kissing under the BIG BEN. E)
LONDON AQUARIUM. F) MADAM TUSSOD'S. ELAINE poses next to the
statue of the Queen Of England. G) NOTTING HILL...ELIAS and
ELAINE checking stuff in the street market. H) BUCKINGHAM
PALACE. I) LONDON EYE..ELIAS and ELAINE are in a
capsule,kissing. J) ELIAS and ELAINE, on the top of an open
bus in PICADDILLY CIRCUS. K) ELIAS and ELAINE kissing in the
LONDON ZOO. L) ELIAS and ELAINE on a THAMES CRUISE SHIP. M)
In a LONDON THEATRE watching a show. N) ELIAS and ELAINE
watching street acrobats in COVENT GARDEN. O) ELIAS and
ELAINE kissing on the BRIGHTON PIER. THE SONG FINISHES.
EXT. BRIGHTON PIER-SUNSET
ELIAS and ELAINE are sitting on the BRIGHTON PIER glancing at
the sun going down. It's a wonderful sunset.
ELIAS
You never told me anything about
your parents.
ELAINE
You wouldn't want to know about my
parents.
ELIAS
Why? Did you fall out with them?
ELAINE
My father is a very rich man who
spent his whole life trying to find
ways to get even richer...
ELIAS
Hm...I understand....you're the
neglected princess.
ELAINE
Sort of...it just got too much...I
mean I couldn't put up with the
things that were going on in my
house.
ELIAS
What things?
ELAINE
All those stupid parties that my
father was throwing,trying to fix
me up with fatherships.
ELIAS
What is a fathership?
ELAINE
A fathership is a useless man who
is big nothing away from his
father....I'd rather work in a
super market for the rest of my
life than being with a fathership.
ELIAS
So you don't speak to your parents?
ELAINE
Sometimes.
ELIAS
Hm...you've got an interesting
story. The rich girl that runs away
from home to work in a super market
in England because she doesn't like
rich boys.
ELAINE
It's not exactly like that. There's
so much more to it. I mean, one day
my father told me "Elaine you're
useless, you're nothing away from
me, you don't even know how much a
loaf of bread is" and I said "I
don't know how much a loaf of bread
is because you never sent me to get
one"......I
mean.....here....now....this is the
first time that I'm living the real
life. It was scary in the beginning
but now I know...I know how to
survive away from them.
ELIAS
Hm....but you know one day,I'll
have to meet your parents.
ELAINE
Why?
ELIAS
Because you're the kind of girl a
man wants to go all the way through
with.
ELAINE
What's that mean?
ELIAS
It means that I wanna live the rest
of my life with you. Will you marry
me?
ELAINE
(very surprised)
We've only been dating for the last
two weeks and you wanna marry me?
ELIAS
It seems to me that I've known you
for a lifetime. So what's your
answer?
ELAINE
Elias,there's so many things about
me you don't know!
ELIAS
I know everything I need to know
about you.
You're the best thing ever happened
to me...so...our first child is
going to be a stunning girl and
we'll name her Nicole after my
father......our second child is
going to be a Greek God and we'll
name him....Apollo or
something....or...what's your
father's name by the way?
ELAINE
(careless)
Kemal.
ELIAS
(surprised and annoyed)
Kemal is a Turkish name!!
ELAINE
(trying to cover things
up)
No...no it's....it's ...it's not a
Turkish name! It's a very popular
Arabic name. My father became a
Muslim five years ago. His name
was...um...John before he became a
Muslim.
ELIAS
Anyway,I'm not gonna name my son
Kemal. That's for sure. Kemal is
the most hated Turkish name in
Greece....something like Judas
Iscariot you know. Even worse
actually. What's your father's last
name by the way?
ELAINE
(very confused and
embarrassed)
My father's last
name?...um...um....Colton!..that's
my father's last
name...Colton...Kemal Colton...he
used to be John Colton but he
became a Muslim and now he's Kemal
Colton. I mean it sounds better
right? Kemal Colton...Colton
Kemal...Kemal Colton...
ELIAS glances at her in amazement. He's certainly confused.
He feels that ELAINE is trying to hide something.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE ICELAND SUPERMARKET-DAY
ELAINE is walking on the pavement. A black BMW with dark
windows is following her. ELAINE realizes that. She stops.
The car stops too.
ELAINE
(upset)
Look!!....you keep on following
me...I'll call the police.
The driver's window opens. In the driver's seat there's a man
dressed in a black suit. He extends his hand and gives ELAINE
a piece of paper.
ELAINE
What?...Is this some sort of a new
method of advertising stuff?
ELAINE reads what's on that piece of paper.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE MR OZTURK'S HOUSE IN LONDON-NIGHT
The black BMW stops outside a luxurious house. The driver
gets out and opens the rear door. ELAINE gets out of the car
and walks toward the entrance of the house.
INT. MR OZTURK'S HOUSE IN LONDON-NIGHT
ELAINE,MR OZTURK and MRS OZTURK are sitting around a table
having dinner.
MR OZTURK
(while eating)
Six months...six months..not a
phone call...not a letter..not a
card...nothing...as if we've been
the worst parents in the world to
you......So what are you gonna do?
Work in a stupid super market for
the rest of your life,stuffing
shelves? Is that what you want?
ELAINE
Dad...what I want never really
mattered to you. It's always what
you want of me that matters to you.
You thought that I could never
survive on my own...but I did...and
now I know how to survive on my own
and I'm not scared.
MRS OZTURK
Elaine you're thirty years old.
When are you going to get married?
When are you going to have
children? You're getting old! Only
teenagers work in super markets.
ELAINE
Well..I feel like a teenager
anyway..and apart from that I met
someone...someone who means a lot
to me.
MR OZTURK
What is he doing? Stuffing super
market shelves?
ELAINE
At least he doesn't depend on his
father to get him a driving
licence!!
MR OZTURK
What are you talking about?
ELAINE
I'm talking about all those useless
people that you've been trying to
fix me up with! All those
fatherships! That's what I'm
talking about....once you asked me
what makes me so much different
from them....I think you know the
answer now!
INT. ICELAND SUPER MARKET-DAY
VIEW ON ELIAS as he approaches JANE who is stuffing shelves.
ELIAS
Hi Jane...is Elaine around?
JANE
She was supposed to be working but
she took the day off. Something
unexpected happened to her..that's
what she said.
ELIAS
Hm!...strange..she didn't tell me
anything about it.
JANE
It's not the only thing she never
told you about!
ELIAS
What do you mean?
JANE
Have you ever asked Elaine what her
last name is?
ELIAS
Why?
JANE
Her last name is Ozturk. She might
be having an American accent but
her parents are Turks.
ELIAS
(smiling-not believing it)
Jane I know that I hurt you..and I
do apologize but you're not gonna
gain anything by saying stupid
things about Elaine..I just feel
sorry for you.
ELIAS walks off.
INT. GREEK RESTAURANT-NIGHT
ELIAS and ELAINE have just finished their dinner in a Greek
restaurant.
ELAINE
(a little drunk)
Amazing! I think that Greek food is
going to be my favorite from now
on.
ELIAS
Well...it's been my favorite for
the last thirty years...so no
change for me.
The owner of the Greek restaurant who looks a little "off"
puts a plate full of "Turkish" delights on their table.
ELAINE
Hm!! Turkish delights!
OWNER
(very angry)
NO!! These are not Turkish
delights! These are Greek delights!
ELAINE
(surprised)
Okay!! These are Greek Turkish
delights!
OWNER
NO!! These are Greek delights!
ELIAS
Okay...thank you very much.
The OWNER leaves. ELAINE bursts into laughter.
ELIAS
Are you crazy or something? You
don't call Turkish delights,Turkish
delights in a Greek restaurant.
That guy could kill you.
ELAINE
(drunk-laughing)
Why do the Greeks hate everything
about Turkey?
ELIAS
It's a long story!
The waiter brings the bill. ELAINE takes her wallet out.
ELIAS too.
ELAINE
I'm paying.
ELIAS
A Greek man never lets a woman
pay...so shut up..I'm paying.
ELAINE
No you shut up...I'm paying.
ELAINE gives the WAITER her credit card and he walks off.
ELIAS
(getting up)
You're insulting me...okay I'm
going to the toilet. I'll be back.
ELIAS goes to the WAITER.
ELIAS
(to the waiter)
Excuse me...Can I have her credit
card?...I'll give you mine.
ELIAS gives him his credit card and takes ELAINE'S into his
hands. He reads the name on the card and his expression
changes to the expression of a man who has just seen a ghost.
ELIAS walks back to the table where ELAINE is sitting..
ELAINE
Are you all right? You look sick!
ELIAS
You know what?...I always knew that
I'm cursed. I always knew that God
hates me...but not that much! This
is unbelievable...I must be
dreaming...it can't be true...once
in my miserable life I meet the
right woman and ....
ELIAS throws her credit card on the table.
ELIAS (CONT'D)
...her last name is Ozturk!...Tell
me...tell me that when your father
became a Muslim he changed his last
name as well...like..like Muhammad
Ali did..right?
ELAINE
(very serious)
Elias I was going to tell you
anyway,sooner or later. My last
name is Ozturk simply because my
parents are Turks. I grew up in the
United States....I feel like an
American...but I can't lie about
the place where I really come from!
We HEAR a THUMP OFF SCREEN.
ELAINE
Great! I knew it wouldn't bother
him at all!
VIEW ON ELIAS who has collapsed on the floor having lost
consciousness.
INT. ELIAS'S BEDROOM-NIGHT
ELIAS slowly gets up from his bed. He sits with his head in
his hands. He looks lost and confused. His mobile phone
rings. He takes it in his hand and glances at the display. We
can see ELAINE'S name on the display. ELIAS keeps glancing at
the display for a long moment without answering the phone.
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-FUNCTION ROOM-DAY
ELIAS and JAMES are in a function room setting up a coffee
table.
JAMES
So what? What difference does it
make if her parents are Turks or
Americans or Germans or
whatever?...A woman is a woman.
She's got lips...you kiss them.
She's got tits...you milk them.
She's got a cunt...you fuck it. All
women are the same!
ELIAS
Shut up!...You don't understand.
Elaine was the kind of woman I
wanted to go all the way through
with. She wasn't an one night
stand.
JAMES
Okay..so why can't you go all the
way through with her?
ELIAS
Because in the history of this
planet,a Greek man and a Turkish
woman or a Turkish man and a Greek
woman never got any further from
the action of raping! Do you
understand now? I don't wanna go
down in the Guiness book as the
first Greek man ever to marry a
Turkish woman!
JANE
What's wrong with that? You'll be
in the Guiness book. You'll be
famous.
ELIAS
You're a retard...you know that?
ELIAS'S mobile phone rings. He takes it out of his pocket.
It's ELAINE calling him again.
JAMES
Answer it..talk to her.
ELIAS
Fuck off...mind your own business.
ELIAS walks off,putting his mobile phone back in his pocket.
EXT. VERULAMIUM PARK-DAY
("Everything yours" music theme playing all through the
scene)
ELIAS is sitting near the lake with the wounded pigeon next
to him. ELIAS looks lost and confused,gazing off at the
wonderful sunset. A long moment passes by. ELIAS'S attention
is caught by two flirting SWANS. There's couples passing
by,kissing....families with their children. ELIAS looks an
isolated and lonely figure. He gets up,bends down,grabs the
pigeon and throws it in the air. The pigeon flies for a while
but returns to ELIAS. ELIAS grabs it again and throws it in
the air using even more strength. The pigeon again flies for
a while,but returns to ELIAS. ELIAS grabs it again and throws
it in the air,this time using all his strength.
ELIAS
(throwing the pigeon in
the air-almost screaming
with passion)
FLYYYYYY!!!!!!
The Pigeon flies away and this time doesn't return.
VIEW ON ELIAS as he's glancing up. He's on the verge of
tears...not for the pigeon of course,but because he feels so
lonely.
INT. ICELAND SUPER MARKET-DAY
VIEW ON ELIAS as he approaches JANE who is pushing a big
super market trolley.
ELIAS
Jane...is Elaine around?
JANE
She resigned two days ago...she's
going back to the United States
with her parents.
ELIAS
(shocked)
What?
ELIAS looks devastated.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE ELAINE'S HOUSE IN SAINT ALBANS-SUNSET
ELIAS walks to the door and rings the bell. No answer. ELIAS
rings the bell again. ELAINE opens the door. She's surprised
to see ELIAS standing there. We can tell that she's been
crying a lot recently by the way she looks,especially her
swollen eyes.
ELIAS
May I come in?
INT. ELAINE'S HOUSE-CONTINUOUS
ELIAS enters the lounge area. ELAINE passes him by and goes
to her bedroom. ELIAS follows her.
INT. ELAINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
There's open suitcases lying around. ELAINE puts clothes in
one of the suitcases.
ELIAS
(sad)
So you're going back to the States?
ELAINE doesn't answer...she keeps on putting clothes in the
suitcases rather slowly.
ELIAS
You have to understand that it was
a big shock for me......I mean what
did you expect from me? Did you
expect me to say never mind....it's
not a big deal? It's a big deal
unfortunately...simply because
you're the kind of girl a man wants
to go all the way through
with...and that's what I wanted and
I still want more than anything
else.
ELAINE turns around and glances at him on the verge of tears.
ELIAS doesn't look at her. He's looking vaguely at the wall.
ELIAS
I remember the first time I saw
you...that first time when you
smiled at me...the most amazing
smile I've ever seen in my
life....I just couldn't get you off
my mind.....you swept me off my
feet...you really did....for the
first time I believed that it was
my destiny to come to this
country...just to find you....you.
ELIAS turns and looks ELAINE straight in the eye for the
first time.
ELIAS
I'll be a fool to deny you. Why
should I? I'm in heaven when I hold
you in my arms...I'm in heaven when
I look into your eyes. Why should I
deny heaven?....There's no
countries in heaven...there's no
nations...no borders..no
flags...it's just heaven...and
that's what I want...and I hope you
still want it too.
ELIAS is on the verge of tears now. They kiss passionately.
EXT. VERULAMIUM PARK-NIGHT
ELIAS and ELAINE are walking in the park holding hands. They
cross a small bridge over the lake. They stop in the middle.
ELAINE
So do you still believe that
Turkish girls are the ugliest girls
in the
world?...moustaches.....sideburns.
..hairy armpits?
ELIAS
Well I think that I know first hand
now that Turkish girls are
absolutely stunning!....You know
what? I've always been obsessed
with Turkish belly dancers. Do you
belly dance?
ELAINE
I grew up in the United States,not
in a Turkish harem my darling!
ELIAS
Well I think you should take some
lessons in belly dancing!
ELAINE
I think I've got more important
things to do at the moment. I
mean...I don't know how to tell my
parents.
ELIAS
I've got the same problem,believe
me.
INT. MR OZTURK'S HOUSE IN LONDON-DINING ROOM-EVENING
ELAINE,MR OZTURK and MRS OZTURK are sitting around a table.
ELAINE
Okay...the reason why I wanted to
speak to you is because I've got
something very important to tell
you.
MRS OZTURK
Are you pregnant?
ELAINE
Not yet mum..not yet. I just wanted
to tell you that I'm thirty years
old and I believe that's the right
time for me to settle down. I think
that I found the right person and
we're going to get married. All I
want from you is to give me your
blessing....nothing more.
MR OZTURK
You mean to say that you're gonna
marry that guy who helps you stuff
shelves in the super market?
ELAINE
Dad...he doesn't work in the super
market. He's a porter in a hotel.
MR OZTURK
Ahhh!!!...even better
right?..Look...I'll never let my
daughter marry a bum...do you
understand?
ELAINE
Dad...all I want is your
blessing...not your permission.
Apart from that the main issue here
is not the job that this man is
doing,but where he comes
from....his nationality I mean.
MR OZTURK
What?...Is he English?...I don't
like English people...they're
arrogant.
MRS OZTURK
I don't like Italians and
Spanish...they're violent!
MR OZTURK
I hope he's not french....they're
love rats!
MRS OZTURK
I hope he's not German!....Last
thing I want is a grandson that
looks like Hitler.
ELAINE
Actually he's Greek...how about
that?
CAMERA HOLDS ON ELAINE while we hear two thumps.
VIEW WIDENS to reveal that MR and MRS OZTURK have fainted.
ELAINE
Hm..not very excited about the
Greek option either,right?
INT. STAFF HOUSE-LOUNGE-DAY
ELIAS is sitting in the sofa watching TV while talking to his
mother on his mobile phone.
ELIAS
No mum...I haven't lost
weight...I'm fine...trust me.
ELIAS raises his right arm up,holding the mobile
phone,literally ignoring his mother. He knows that she's
gonna start saying the same old things. ELIAS nods
yes,yes,yes,sarcastically. He doesn't listen to his mother
but keeps on watching TV with his right arm raised up.
MOTHER
You should let me come and cook for
you. English food is crap! They
feed their cows with sheep and
their sheep with cows. You'll be
dead by the age of forty eating all
that dog food every day. They don't
even know what olive oil is!
Goddamned Brits!...Goddamned
Europeans. When the Greeks were
building the Parthenon all the
other Europeans were up in the
trees with the monkeys eating
bananas waiting to be evolved to
human beings. You should let me
come and cook for you Greek lamb!
ELIAS brings his arm down and the mobile phone next to his
ear.
ELIAS
Okay..mum...I've got something very
important to tell you. I found the
right girl and I'm going to marry
her.
MOTHER
Is she rich? Is her father going to
give you a house?
ELIAS
(grimaces funnily)
Mum...I don't care if she's rich
and I don't care if her father is
going to give me a house or not.
I'm in love with this girl and I'm
going to marry her no matter what.
MOTHER
Where does she come from?
ELIAS
Good question...good question!!!
MOTHER
Is she Greek?
ELIAS
I don't think so!! She comes from a
country which is on the east of
Greece....very close to Greece.
MOTHER
(disappointed)
Italy?
ELIAS
Italy is on the west of Greece
mum...Turkey is on the east. She
comes from Turkey. I know what
you're gonna say but as they say
love is blind...these things
happen.
We hear a THUMP off screen through the mobile phone.
ELIAS
Mum?...Mum?...are you still
there?...Mum?
The FATHER picks up the phone.
FATHER
(anxious)
Elias?...Elias? What did you tell
your mother? She passed out. Are
you taking drugs?
ELIAS
Dad,I'm not taking drugs...I just
told mum that I found the right
girl and we're going to get
married.
FATHER
Okay...well done son..well
done...it was just about time. Is
she English?...blond hair..blue
eyes...big tits?
ELIAS
Not exactly! She's got black
hair..black eyes...and no big tits
really. She comes from Turkey but
she's absolutely stunning...I mean
you should see her...she's
breathtaking...I almost passed out
the first time I saw her....I
thought that...
We hear a THUMP off screen.
ELIAS
Dad?...Dad?....are you still
there?...hellooooo?
VIEW ON ELIAS'S PARENTS who have passed out.
VIEW ON ELIAS as he grimaces,looking confused.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE MR OZTURK'S HOUSE IN LONDON-NIGHT
ELIAS walks to the door and rings the bell. He's holding a
big bouquet and a box. ELAINE opens the door. The bouquet
obstructs her view and ELIAS'S too. They're both trying to
see each other but the bouquet is in the middle. ELAINE grabs
the bouquet rather pissed off.
ELAINE
You're five minutes late! My father
hates people who are late in
meetings...okay listen! Whatever my
father tells you,you say
yes,yes,yes. Don't even think about
arguing with him. He's the kind of
man who thinks he's always right.
All you have to do is just agree
with whatever he says. If he says
one plus one equals three,you
say....
(waiting for Elias's
answer)
ELIAS
One plus one equals two.
ELAINE
(grimacing funnily)
Wrong answer!! You say one plus one
equals three because he said so!
ELIAS
I've got a feeling that this is not
gonna work!
INT. MR OZTURK'S HOUSE IN LONDON-LOUNGE-NIGHT
ELIAS,ELAINE,MRS OZTURK and MR OZTURK are sitting around a
coffee table. ELIAS and MRS OZTURK are eating chocolate cake.
MR OZTURK is smoking a cigar. ELAINE looks nervous. There's
an uncomfortable silence.
ELIAS finishes his chocolate cake and puts the plate on the
table. ELIAS is glancing at ELAINE'S piece of chocolate cake.
ELAINE hasn't touched it at all. ELAINE notices ELIAS
glancing at her piece of chocolate cake.
ELAINE
(fed up)
Okay...go ahead...have it!
(to her parents-smiling)
You know Elias hasn't got a blood
stream,he's got a sugar stream. I
mean you should see his shopping
bag. I've seen it and I couldn't
believe it. He's like a Dracula
feeding on chocolate!
MRS OZTURK smiles,while MR OZTURK looks very strict and
serious.
ELIAS
(eating cake)
There's only one thing I like more
than chocolate and this is the
woman that sits next to me...and
that's why I'm here...to ask for
her hand.
ELAINE
(from the side of her
mouth)
And her piece of chocolate cake!
MR OZTURK
Can I ask you a question? Why do
the Greeks hate the Turks so much?
I mean why do the Greeks don't want
Turkey to join the European Union?
ELIAS
May be, because there's no respect
of the human rights in Turkey.
MR OZTURK
Turkey is a democracy...one of the
biggest in the world!
ELIAS
The Turkish army is the only
democracy in Turkey Mr Ozturk.
Everybody on this planet know that
the Turkish politicians have no
power at all...it's the Turkish
army that controls everything.
Apart from that the word democracy
is Greek and I know very well the
meaning of it.
MR OZTURK
(sarcastically)
Hm...a typical Greek who takes
pride in the ancient Greek
democracy where three quarters of
the population were slaves with no
right to vote...and the women too.
ELIAS
Well at least we made the start and
there's no evolution of anything
unless there's a start...and we
made that start at a time when the
rest of the population on this
planet were up in the trees with
monkeys,fighting for
bananas,waiting to be evolved to
human beings!
MR OZTURK
Hm...typical Greek taking pride in
all sorts of stupid little things!
ELIAS
Well Mr Ozturk, I take pride in the
fact that my ancestors built the
Parthenon. Is there anything that
your ancestors did that you take
pride in? I mean what's the most
popular monument in Turkey? I
believe it's the SAINT SOFIA'S
temple in Istanbul. Who built that
temple? The Greeks did!....and it's
really ironic that the Turks take
pride in something that the Greeks
built. I mean what sort of
civilization is this? A barbaric
civilization that takes pride in
invading and capturing other
civilizations's monuments and
making postcards out of them and
selling them!
MR OZTURK
Are you calling me a barbarian?
ELAINE
Okay that's enough!...we're not
here to sort out the differences
between Greece and Turkey. Let's
change the subject.
We can talk about other
things...we're in England...we can
talk about the weather and how
horrible it is....we can talk about
music and how horrible it's been
after the Beetles...we can talk
about movies...
(to Elias)
...by the way my father has a huge
DVD collection....I'm talking about
thousands of DVDs
ELIAS
Really??...What's your favorite
movie Mr Ozturk?
MR OZTURK
The Godfather...I've seen it over
forty times. What's your favorite
movie?
ELIAS
Well the Godfather is a great movie
but "Midnight Express" is "theee"
movie! I've watched it over a
hundred times. I mean it's
unbelievable....Amazing
screenplay,perfect
directing,shocking acting and the
music...oh that music!...I even got
the soundtrack on vinyl! Do you
believe it? On vinyl!
(he starts to hum the
midnight express chase
theme)
Tu tu Tu tu TU tu Tu tu,tu Tu tu Tu
tu..
ELIAS keeps on humming the Chase theme,not having noticed
that MR OZTURK is glancing at him in a very angry manner. MRS
OZTURK looks embarrassed. ELAINE too. ELAINE taps on ELIAS'S
knee.
ELAINE
(from the side of her
mouth-in despair)
From all the movies ever made it
had to be the "Midnight Express"!!!
Why not "Indiana Jones" or the
"Star wars"? Even the "Matrix"
would do!!
ELIAS
(from the side of his
mouth)
I didn't like the Matrix. I
couldn't understand what was going
on. I walked out of the cinema half
way through.
ELAINE glances at ELIAS in an angry manner.
INT. STAFF HOUSE-LOUNGE-DAY
JAMES is in the lounge reading a tabloid newspaper. He uses
his mobile phone to dial a number that's written on the
newspaper. He's actually calling the SUN newspaper.
NEWSPAPER JOURNALIST
(sounding very bored)
Hello the Sun newspaper,you're
through to the Kiss and Tell
department,how may I help you?
JAMES
I've got a very good story for you
but I need at least two hundred
thousand pounds to give you
details.
NEWSPAPER JOURNALIST
(bored)
Have you got a picture of the queen
engaged in a lesbian act?
JAMES
Not really...but for the first time
in history a Greek man and a
Turkish woman are going to get
married.
The JOURNALIST hangs up on him. JAMES calls him again.
NEWSPAPER JOURNALIST
Hello the Sun news...
JAMES
(interrupting him)
It's me again and I'm not kidding.
NEWSPAPER JOURNALIST
Look pal...if you tell me that
Fidel Castro's son is going to
marry the daughter of the president
of the United States there's a
chance that I might believe it. But
when you tell me that a Greek man
is going to marry a Turkish....
JAMES
(interrupting him)
I'll give you all the details you
need....I'll give you names...I'll
give you addresses...telephone
numbers...everything...I'm not
joking!
VIEW ON the JOURNALIST who finds it hard to believe it.
INT. STAFF HOUSE-TOILET-DAY
JAMES enters the toilet. There's a "smell" in the air. An
expression of disgust on JAMES'S face. We hear the toilet
flush off screen. The door opens and ELIAS enters the main
toilet room adjusting his pants. The smell is a hundred times
more intense now.
JAMES
What's that?
ELIAS
What's what?
JAMES
(as if it's obvious)
THAT!!
ELIAS
WHAT?
JAMES
THE FUCKING SMELL!! What did you
eat man?
ELIAS
(adjusting his pants)
That's Greek shit....what do you
expect? Greek shit's got
attitude,character,personality....
..volume...and most important..
(walking out)
...the scent of it lingers on and
on and on. UNFORGETTABLE!
CAMERA HOLDS ON JAMES who still has an expression of disgust
on his face. We hear ELIAS singing "Unforgettable" by Nat
King Cole, OFF SCREEN.
INT. STAFF HOUSE-LOUNGE-DAY
JAMES enters the lounge area. ELIAS is there.
JAMES
I've never smelt anything like that
before. You turned the toilet into
a gas chamber.
ELIAS
What you eat is what you shit my
friend. I eat English shit, so what
do you expect my shit to smell
like?....J-LO'S perfume?
ELIAS'S attention is caught by the watch that JAMES is
wearing.
ELIAS (cont'd)
That looks like a rolex submariner.
JAMES
(trying to hide his watch)
It's not real....it's a replica.
ELIAS
(grabbing James's wrist)
Can I have a look?....It doesn't
look like a replica to me. It looks
like the real thing.
JAMES
Well it's not the real thing. How
could I ever afford to buy a ten
thousand pound watch?
ELIAS
You're not selling drugs...are you?
JAMES
Are you crazy? Do I look like
Antonio Montana to you?
The door bell rings. PHIL who lives on the ground floor of
the staff house opens the door.
PHIL'S POV: A female JOURNALIST holding a microphone and a TV
station camera crew.
JOURNALIST
Are you Elias the Greek?
PHIL
(sarcastically)
Have you ever seen a ginger Greek
before?
(shouting)
ELIAS?...ELIAS there's some people
here looking for you.
ELIAS comes down the stairs.
PHIL (cont'd)
Did you rob a bank or what?
ELIAS walks to the front door.
JOURNALIST
Hello! Are you Elias the Greek?
ELIAS
(dumbfounded)
May be!
VIEW ON JAMES who is trying to sneak out the front door.
ELIAS notices him.
JOURNALIST
Elias tell us how do you feel?
You're going to be the first Greek
man to marry a Turkish woman.
You're going to make history. How
do you feel about that?
ELIAS
Excuse me?...how do you know
that....
ELIAS turns his head and notices JAMES walking away fast.
Suddenly he realizes that JAMES sold the story to the press.
ELIAS (cont'd)
James?...JAMES?....JAMES YOU
BASTARD...YOU'RE GONNA DIE!!!!
ELIAS runs after JAMES who has already started running for
all he's worth.
INT. ELAINE'S HOUSE IN SAINT ALBANS-LOUNGE-EVENING
ELIAS and ELAINE are watching TV. They're actually watching
ELAINE being interviewed by a journalist.
ELIAS
Fucking unbelievable! We have
become world headline news!
ELAINE
You know that "HELLO" magazine
offered me one million pounds for
exclusive photographs of our
wedding?
ELIAS
One million pounds for some stupid
photos? The world's gone mad. It's
gonna be one hell of a wedding!
ELAINE
I bet!
INT. TOWN HALL-THE WEDDING-EVENING
The wedding is of course a civilian wedding in the town hall.
The hall where the ceremony takes place is absolutely jammed.
The Greeks are sitting on the left while the Turks are
sitting on the right separated by the aisle. They exchange
suspicious looks. ELIAS and ELAINE are standing before the
person who performs the ceremony. The love music theme of the
movie plays all through the wedding montage. We can hear only
music,nothing else. ELIAS and ELAINE turn to face each other.
They kiss. The CAMERA pans around them while they kiss.
VIEW ON THE PARENTS of both sides. They are in tears.
INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-BURSTON SUITE-EVENING
....where a big dinner to celebrate the wedding takes place.
The hall is decorated with Greek and Turkish flags. ELIAS
walks up to the microphone.
ELIAS
Well....six months ago I had never
met a Turk. Six months ago I
thought that Turkish girls are the
ugliest girls in the world. After
six months,today,now..I'm in a
place full of Turks and how
ironic..I just married a Turkish
girl and she's the most stunning
woman I've ever seen in my life.
It's true what they say...that life
has more fantasy than our dreams. A
Greek man and a Turkish
woman...traditional foes they
say....I mean who would expect it?
I didn't....I passed out when she
told me...her parents passed out
when she told them...my parents
passed out when I told them. You
see...in the history of this planet
a Greek man and a Turkish woman or
a Turkish man and a Greek
woman,never got any further from
the action of raping. I guess we
made history today. This wedding
has become world headline news. I
didn't want it this way...
(looking at James)
..but since I happen to have a
Judas Iscariot for a friend.....I'm
only joking James,I'm only
joking....since we have national
and international TV stations here
today...let this wedding be an
opportunity to bring our two
nations closer together. I know
that a wedding can't really make
much of a difference but when you
start building a house,you have to
start from somewhere.....and the
house of trust between the two
nations....eventually has to be
built,simply because our destiny
made us neighbors....so we can run
but we can't hide from each
other...And you know what? I used
to believe that the Turks look
completely different from the
Greeks but as I can see from here,
I can't really tell the Turks from
the Greeks.....Una fatsa,una ratsa
as the Italians say. One face,one
nation.
A big applause as ELIAS finishes his small speech,steps down
and walks over to the table where ELAINE sits. She gets up
from her chair. ELIAS embraces her and they kiss.
EXT. SAINT SOFIA'S TEMPLE-ISTANBUL-TURKEY-SUNSET
LONG VIEW ON SAINT SOFIA'S TEMPLE similar to the "Midnight
Express" opening.
INT. HILTON HOTEL-WEDDING SUITE-ISTANBUL-TURKEY-SUNSET
The same shot of SAINT SOFIA'S temple through the wedding
suite's window.
CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal ELIAS in the bed staring at the
ceiling.
ELIAS
(impatient)
Come to bed!...what can possibly be
taking you so long?
ELAINE (O.S.)
(from the room next to the
bedroom)
I told you it's a surprise...be
patient...good things come to those
who wait.
ELIAS
If you don't come to bed soon,
(raising his right hand
and moving his fingers)
..I'm going to ask the widow and
her five orphans to relieve me.
ELAINE (O.S.)
What widow and her five orphans?
ELIAS
Forget about it. You know what? I'm
so excited to be in Istanbul. It
used to be the capital of the Greek
empire once upon a time...till the
fucking Turks decided to invade it.
ELAINE (O.S.)
Don't start again!!
ELIAS
I'm only joking my darling....I'm
only joking!
ELAINE (O.S.)
Okay...close your eyes,I'm ready.
ELIAS
(bored)
Okay,I'll close my eyes.
He closes his eyes. ELAINE gets in the bedroom in a
traditional Turkish belly dancer's outfit. She looks
absolutely stunning...sex on legs.
ELAINE
You can open your eyes now.
ELIAS opens his eyes. ELAINE starts a belly dance. ELIAS
laughs.
ELIAS
Now I can die a happy man. All my
dreams come true.....You're a
natural,you know that?
ELAINE
They all used to tell me the same
thing in the harem I was working at
in my previous life!
ELAINE gets closer and closer to him and when she gets too
close,ELIAS grabs her and throws her on the bed. They're
looking at each other for a while and then they kiss.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
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