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MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING PART TWO - A DIFFERENT STORY BY ELIAS PAPADOPOULOS 30/11/2003 E-MAIL: email@example.com TEL: 00447966404172 - 00441727848849 Address: Comfort Hotel St.Albans - Ryder House- Holywell Hill - St.Albans - Herts - United Kingdom - AL1 1HG FADE IN: EXT. THE "AEGEAN" GREEK RESTAURANT-DAY SUPERIMPOSE TO ACTION:"CITY OF PIRAEUS-GREECE" A traditional Greek restaurant in the heart of the Greek summer,at lunchtime,jammed with tourists from all over the world. A noisy environment. VIEW ON ELIAS a Greek waiter as he's trying to take an order from a French couple sitting at the outside seating of the restaurant overlooking the sea. ELIAS (fed up) No scargos. We don't do snails. FRENCH WOMAN Why? ELIAS Because we don't.....Look, if you wanna have scargos go back to France...but since you're in Greece at the moment you can have mousaka,pastitsio,lamb,Greek salad and NO SNAILS!!! NO SCARGOS!..Simple as that. FRENCH WOMAN But why? ELIAS (glancing up to the sky) What have I done to deserve this God? TIMECUT VIEW ON ELIAS as he makes his way through the tables of the outside seating carrying a full tray. A little distance away there's a German couple sitting at a table with their 5 year old son. The German boy moves under the table and starts playing with his little toy car. ELIAS is just about to walk past that table when the little boy rolls his toy car towards ELIAS'S FEET. ELIAS STEPS on the little toy car and then DISASTER!!! He's on the ground with the stuff that he was carrying all over him. ELIAS (cont'd) (muttering to himself) Germans! Scum of the earth! The GERMAN FATHER starts laughing. Elias gets up and walks to the GERMAN FATHER. ELIAS (cont'd) You know what? We shoulda killed you all in the second world war, so that you wouldn't get the chance to reproduce and make such children. GERMAN FATHER (in subtitles) I don't understand what you're saying, but anyway it was just an accident..let alone that the national sport of Greece is smashing plates!...You're smashing plates for fun,so what's the big deal? The GERMAN FATHER breaks into a SPASTIC LAUGHTER. ELIAS is fuming and is just about to attack the German Father when the owner of the restaurant MR YANNIS arrives at the scene. MR YANNIS (to Elias,pointing with his finger at the mess on the floor) This will come off your wages! ELIAS approaches MR YANNIS and leans very close. ELIAS (trying to restrain his anger) If this comes off my wages,then make sure the cost of a coffin comes off my wages as well!!! MR YANNIS A coffin? ELIAS Yeah!..A Big one!..Big enough to take three adults and one child...three Germans and one Greek!! MOVING VIEW ON ALEX another waiter as he approaches ELIAS and MR YANNIS. ALEX Mr Yannis it's not Elias's fault. That German boy rolled his toy car in front of Elias...he stepped on it by accident and that's it. MR YANNIS glances to Elias and then back to Alex. MR YANNIS Okay..okay..clear The mess and get back to work. EXT.THE AEGEAN GREEK RESTAURANT-NIGHT ELIAS and ALEX are sitting at a table next to the sea with a couple of beers. It's the end of their shift and they both look tired, but the wonderful full moon and the numerous stars in the Greek summer sky,sort of make it up for what they've been through during the day. ELIAS is glancing at the reflection of the full moon on the sea surface. ELIAS You know I've had enough of it. ALEX Fucking foreigners! Especially the Germans! ELIAS I've just had enough of it...I made up my mind...I'm not going to the army..I'm leaving Greece. ALEX What are you talking about? ELIAS I got my self a job in England through an agency in Athens....conference and banqueting porter in a four star hotel. ALEX You're kidding me right?..What are you gonna do in England?.The women are ugly and fat,the food is shit,the weather is shit...you're gonna die of depression! ELIAS I'll be better off anywhere but here...Anywhere but here! ALEX Look,I know we both had a tough day but this is not a good reason to loose your mind. ELIAS I'm thirty years old...I need a change..I'm thirty years old and I haven't done nothing in my life yet...I'm still working as a stupid waiter in a stupid restaurant..I'm not married ...I don't have children..(a beat)..life is just passing me by. ALEX And what? You're going to catch up with it by going to England to become a hotel porter? ELIAS It's a new beginning...a change..change is always good. I'll be better off than being in the Greek army,in a camp for two years,with hundreds of guys that wash their feet once a month and the temperature at over one hundred every day. One thing I know for sure. Greece is not my destiny. This country has never been my destiny. ALEX And what? England is? ELIAS Anywhere but here. (glancing up at the full moon) I know there is someone out there. Somewhere around the world. Someone who is made for me and I'm made for her. Someone who I'll never get the chance to meet if i stay here...I don't know where she is or what she's doing but I know she exists. She might be in the arms of somebody else right now...she might be kissing someone else.....( a beat)....or she might be looking at the same full moon that I'm looking at now. ALEX (O.S.) Oh man! You need some serious sex to clear your head. There's a sad and melancholic expression on Elias's face as he's gazing off at the full moon. CAMERA PUSHES IN slowly on ELIAS'S face and all the way into his eyes.....and then PULLS BACK to reveal the same expression on.... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. ELAINE'S ROOM-MR OZTURK'S ESTATE-BOCA RATON FLORIDA NIGHT ....ELAINE'S face as she's looking out the window of her room,gazing off at the full moon,with a sad and melancholic expression on her face. SUPERIMPOSE TO ACTION:BOCA RATON-FLORIDA EXT. MR OZTURK'S ESTATE-MAIN COURT YARD-NIGHT ...where a wonderful party is taking place in the vast main court yard of MR OZTURK'S luxurious estate. There's hundreds of formally dressed guests scattered all around the lawns holding glasses of champagne. There's a band playing and the whole place is decorated with numerous TURKISH-AMERICAN FLAGS indicating that the owner of the estate is a very wealthy Turkish-American This is MR OZTURK who is standing next to the huge swimming pool with his WIFE,MR PRICE,MRS PRICE and MR PRICE'S SON(JEFF) MR OZTURK (to Jeff) So...Jeff,what are you gonna do now that you've graduated from Harvard? Are you gonna stick with your father and make him even richer? JEFF Well...I've got an ultimate goal Mr Ozturk. I wanna start my own business and get even richer than my father. MR OZTURK You have a long way to go son....considering that you have to make more than four billion dollars!!! Everybody laugh. MR OZTURK (cont'd) Let me tell you something son. I left Turkey when I was fourteen and came to this country alone,with five dollars in my pocket and my father's blessing.....and I made a fortune. I've never been to any college.....the street is the college I graduated from and it taught me a lot. This is the toughest college in the world and your father knows what I mean cause he started the same way as well......and always remember. There's nothing stronger in this world than a father's and a mother's blessing. You respect your parents...you succeed. You don't..you fail...always remember that (glancing around him) ....now where's Elaine? What is she doing? MR PRICE Women!! What do you expect? MR OZTURK calls to a waitress. MR OZTURK Judith...Judith come here. Do me a favour. Go and knock on my daughter's door and ask her what she's doing. Tell her that we're all waiting for her. Okay? JUDITH Yes Mr Ozturk. INT. ELAINE'S ROOM-NIGHT ELAINE is still glancing at the full moon with a melancholic expression on her face. A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. JUDITH (O.S.) Miss Elaine..your father is asking what you're doing. ELAINE Tell him that I'm cutting my veins and I'm having a real good time. JUDITH (O.S.) Miss Ozturk,they're all waiting for you. ELAINE Tell them that I swallowed some pills that made me invisible so I won't be able to attend. JUDITH KNOCKS on the door again. ELAINE (cont'd) (fed up) Okay,okay...tell them I'll be down in five minutes. ELAINE sits in the chair across the mirror and brushes her long black hair looking at her reflection with sad eyes. She's an absolutely gorgeous and stunning girl.(Sandra Bullock in all her black hair, black eye glory). She's wearing a wonderful black dress. ELAINE (cont'd) (muttering to herself) Why do you hate me so much God? What have I done to deserve this? ELAINE knows that this party is just another attempt of her father to fix her up with a millionaire's useless son. She's been there before and she's done it and she feels disgusted and it certainly shows on her face that she's fed up with her father and all these stupid parties that he throws in order to find a rich husband for her. EXT. MR OZTURK'S ESTATE-MAIN COURT YARD-NIGHT VIEW ON MR OZTURK, MRS OZTURK, MR PRICE, MRS PRICE, and JEFF as they chatter. In the background we can see ELAINE crossing the court yard walking towards them. ELAINE gets into frame. ELAINE (coldly) Hello. MR OZTURK Elaine where have you been? Meditating again and doing that yoga stuff you're doing? ELAINE Actually not,my dear father. (sarcastically) I was reading a book about how to become invisible but it's pretty obvious that the instructions in the book never worked for me. MR OZTURK What are you talking about? ELAINE Nothing...I'm just talking to my self...which is something that I do more and more recently. MR OZTURK (a little confused) Elaine,I believe you've met Mr and Mrs Price before and their son Jeff. ELAINE Yes of course. Hello Mr Price,Mrs Price...Jeff. JEFF Hi Elaine. You look wonderful. MR OZTURK Jeff,why don't you take Elaine for a dance? JEFF Would you like to dance Elaine? ELAINE Why not? Jeff takes Elaine's hand and they start walking towards the dance floor that is set on the lawn a little distance away. MR OZTURK (glancing at Elaine and Jeff) What a lovely couple these two would make! Mrs Ozturk and Mr and Mrs Price nod yes. VIEW ON ELAINE and JEFF as they dance at a slow romantic tune played by the orchestra. Jeff looks really excited having Elaine in his arms but Elaine is just going through the motions. JEFF It's lovely tonight..isn't it? ELAINE Hm.. JEFF What sort of hobbies have you got Elaine? ELAINE Nothing interesting. I'm a very boring person. JEFF You know,I'm obsessed with exotic cars and yachts. I've got a collection of Ferraris,Lamborginis,Porches...it's ironic that I don't have a driving licence yet. My father is trying to sort this out. You should come and see my collection one day. ELAINE (sarcastically) Yes..I shall certainly come and see your collection one day. JEFF You know last week I bought a new yacht. It's really amazing. You could travel all around the world with that. I love sailing. I wanna cross the atlantic with it. It will be fun. You should come with me. I'm a good captain. I don't have a licence yet...but.. ELAINE ..but your father is trying to sort this out..right? JEFF (smiling) Yeah!! Exactly! ELAINE (aching) Jesus! My stomach! JEFF What? ELAINE I've got a stomach ache...Jesus..it's getting worse.....Look...I have to go..I'll be back. ELAINE crosses the courtyard towards the house. MR OZTURK notices her. JEFF rejoins the party of Mr and Mrs Ozturk and his parents. MR OZTURK (to Jeff) What happened? JEFF She's got a stomach ache. MR OZTURK shakes his head. He looks very disappointed. INT. ELAINE'S ROOM-NIGHT(CONTINUOUS) ELAINE is looking out the window again. MR and MRS OZTURK enter her room. MR OZTURK looks upset. MR OZTURK A stomach ache again? ELAINE Would it sound more convincing if I said I had a brain tumor? MR OZTURK Why are you trying to ridicule me? What are you gonna do with your life? You're thirty years old and you haven't done nothing yet. You're not married,you don't have children...in a few years you won't even be able to have children. ELAINE (sarcastically) Well if I'm supposed to have children with people like Jeff then I'd rather not have children at all. MR OZTURK Why? What's wrong with people like Jeff? ELAINE Everything is wrong with people like Jeff!!....Look dad..I've had enough of it. I'm sick and tired of all these stupid parties that you're throwing trying to fix me up with people like Jeff. People who are a big nothing and useless away from their fathership. People that have never worked and sweated in their lives. People that.. MR OZTURK What makes you so much different from people like Jeff? When was the last time you worked and sweated in your life? How much is the watch that you're wearing? Thirty thousand bucks? The necklace forty thousand, the dress that you're wearing thirty thousand, your whole wardrobe more than one million bucks? Let me tell you something...you're not different from people like Jeff. You're a big nothing and useless away from your fathership. You don't know the real world. If I ask you how much is a loaf of bread, you'd probably say it's thirty bucks!! You're nothing but a spoilt thirty year old woman who is acting like a fifteen year old girl. ELAINE (on the verge of tears,taking off her watch and letting it fall on the floor) I don't need this. (taking off her necklace and letting it fall on the floor) ...and I don't need that. Let me remind you that the reason why I never worked and sweated in my life is because you never let me to. I don't know how much a loaf of bread is because I've never been asked to go and get one. I don't know the real world because you over protected me from it.....but things can change dad....things are going to change. I'm different from people like Jeff...a lot different...and you're going to realize that soon. MR OZTURK (calmly) Elaine, I left Turkey when I was fourteen with five... ELAINE (interrupting) Yes I know dad. You told me a million times. You left Turkey when you were fourteen with five... MR OZTURK (interrupting her,getting upset by the fact that he's been interrupted) NO! LISTEN TO ME!! I left Turkey when I was fourteen with five bucks in my pocket and my parents blessing and I came to this country and I made a fortune...and you know why I made it? Because I had my parents blessing. There's nothing stronger in this world than a father's and a mother's blessing. I loved my parents though they haven't been able to give me nothing more than their good advice and their blessing....and look at you. I give the world....I give you an empire...everything I made, I made it for you...everything I own belongs to you. I give you everything and what do you give me in return? Contempt? ELAINE Dad you gave me everything,apart from a little of your time to listen to me and get to know me. You don't know me and I don't know you...simple as that. Making money has always been your top priority and now you want me to share my life with someone like Jeff whose top priority will be making money. No dad,thank you. I wanna be the top priority of the person I'm gonna share my life with MR OZTURK So what are you saying? You wanna share your life with a dish washer,a waiter,an office worker?...someone who works nine to five,hand to mouth? ELAINE (giving up arguing) Dad,it doesn't matter. It doesn't really matter. MR OZTURK I know it doesn't .....freshen up and come down in five minutes. ELAINE Is that an order or something? MR OZTURK It's a father's wish! MR OZTURK exits Elaine's room MRS OZTURK You should listen to your father. ELAINE Mum,I know you for thirty years and for thirty years you've been telling me the same thing. Listen to your father..listen to your father. Don't you ever have an opinion of your own? We're not in Turkey mum. We're in the United States. MRS OZTURK walks out of Elaine's room looking upset by her daughter's comments. EXT. MR OZTURK'S ESTATE-MAIN COURT YARD-NIGHT(MOMENTS LATER) ...as MR OZTURK rejoins the party of MR and MRS PRICE and JEFF. JEFF (to Mr Ozturk) So how's Elaine Mr Ozturk? MR OZTURK She feels better now. She will be down in five minutes. JEFF (sounding stupid) Thanks God. I thought it was appendicitis or something! MR OZTURK No she's fine. She's coming down. INT. ELAINE'S ROOM-NIGHT(CONTINUOUS) ELAINE (making a rope out of tying together two bed sheets) Yes, I'm coming down. ELAINE ties one end of the "rope" around a leg of her bed and then making her way through the window uses the other end of the "rope" to climb down towards the ground of the back court yard where everything's quiet and only echoes of the party in the main court yard can be heard. Half way through the "rope" breaks and Elaine lands awkwardly on the ground. ELAINE Dammit. Why God hates me so much? ELAINE rises and starts walking fast towards the fence that surrounds the back court yard. A dog starts barking and growling and we can actually see the dog running towards Elaine. ELAINE (to the dog) Oh,shut up you bitch! The dog having recognized Elaine stops running and barking and starts to whimper instead. ELAINE (cont'd) What are you complaining about? You're a bitch anyway! ELAINE climbs the fence and lands on the other side of it. She's free now. She looks happy. She thinks for a while and then a feeling of insecurity takes hold of her. A worried expression on her face now. DISSOLVE TO: INT. ELIAS'S HOUSE-KITCHEN-DAY ELIAS,his FATHER and his GRANDMOTHER are sitting at the kitchen table. Elias's MOTHER serves the food and then sits at the table with the rest. FATHER (to his wife,after trying the food) What a surprise! The pasta is overcooked again the meat is under cooked and no salt as well. WIFE The salt is bad for your pressure. That's what the doctor said. FATHER I'd rather die a happy man with some decent food in my stomach...What do I have to do to get some decent food in this place?....Call my mother out of her grave to come and cook for me? GRANDMOTHER Your mother was a bitch and she couldn't cook anyway!!! WIFE Mother please don't start again! FATHER (to grandmother) You old lunatic..if it wasn't for my wife I would've kicked you out of this house with a kick so strong that you would wake up and find yourself in the antarctic next to a polar bear. ELIAS (fed up) Can you please stop it? You sound like a bunch of peasants! GRANDMOTHER (pointing at the father's direction with her finger) His mother was a peasant from a no name village. I'm a born Athenian. FATHER You're a born lunatic. That's what you are. ELIAS Can you please stop it? I've got something very important to tell you and I need your attention. There's absolute silence in the room now. MOTHER What's going on? FATHER Did you make a girl pregnant? ELIAS No dad, I didn't make a girl pregnant! GRANDMOTHER You're taking drugs? ELIAS No grandma, I'm not taking drugs! MOTHER You have AIDS? ELIAS (fed up with the stupid questions) Okay listen to me. I made up my mind and there's nothing that can possibly make me change my decision now. I'm leaving Greece. I found myself a job in England....I'll be working in a hotel. The MOTHER starts CRYING. MOTHER You're leaving us! ELIAS Jesus Christ mum! I'm thirty years old. I should have left ten years ago. FATHER What are you gonna do in England? The weather is shit,the food is shit...the women are ugly and fat. ELIAS Even if I had to go to the north pole I'd be better off. The MOTHER keeps on CRYING. ELIAS Did anybody die or something? INT. AIRPLANE-DAY ELIAS is on an airplane to England. He's looking out his window. ELIAS Jesus! These must be the fattest clouds I've ever seen in my life. PASSENGER (sitting next to Elias sarcastically) That means that we're already flying over the United Kingdom my friend. Clouds can't get any fatter than here. Get used to them. They're going to be your best friend. A friend that you'll have to see each and every day whether you want it or not. ELIAS smiles but at the same time he looks worried. EXT. THE NOKE HOTEL-DAY A taxi stops outside the hotel. Elias gets out of the taxi and starts taking his luggage out. The taxi driver helps him. INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-LOBBY-DAY ELIAS enters the hotel and crosses toward the reception desk looking all around him. ELIAS (to the receptionist) Hello. Is it possible to speak to the duty manager please? RECEPTIONIST (SIMON) (he sounds,looks and is gay) What's your name please? ELIAS My name is Elias. Elias Papadopoulos. I'm supposed to start work here tomorrow. SIMON Oh yes. You are the new conference porter, right? ELIAS In deed! SIMON Hi, my name is Simon. I'm the reception manager. ELIAS (shaking hands) Nice to meet you Simon. SIMON turns around and walks to the back office of the reception. SIMON (O.S.) Mrs Connors the new conference porter is here. Elias Tapapatatapatopoulos. ELIAS LAUGHS as he listens to the way Simon pronounces his name. ELIAS Tapapatatapatopoulos?? I think I'll have to change my last name. MRS CONNORS comes to the front desk along with Simon. MRS CONNORS Hi Elias! Welcome to the Noke. (they shake hands) My name is Mrs Connors. ELIAS Pleased to meet you Mrs Connors. MRS CONNORS You must be tired, right? I 'd better take you to the staff house to get some rest. It's only ten minutes walk away from the hotel. We'll take my car. ELIAS Okay. EXT. STAFF HOUSE-DAY MRS CONNORS and ELIAS are standing outside the door of the staff house. Mrs Connors rings the bell. NO ANSWER. She rings the bell again. NO ANSWER. She reaches into her handbag and takes out a pair of keys. MRS CONNORS The boys must be still asleep. ELIAS At three o'clock in the afternoon? INT. STAFF HOUSE-DAY MRS CONNORS and ELIAS enter the staff house. They go up the stairs that lead to the lounge of the staff house , where JAMES is lying asleep on the sofa in his under wears and PHIL is lying asleep on the floor. There's many empty cans of beer all around along with bottles of wine ,vodka,whiskey and several ashtrays full of ash and cigarette remains. The place looks like a pigsty. LUCIFER a big black funny looking dog that lies next to JAMES glances at Mrs Connors and Elias and starts to whimper. MRS CONNORS (glancing around her shaking her head) I've been needing to warn you about these two,but I guess now you know that you'll have to live with two pigs and one dog! (calling to James) James....JAMES!! JAMES WAKENS UP and stands up. JAMES (half awake,half asleep scratching his head) Mrs Connors...good morning. MRS CONNORS It's three o'clock in the afternoon James and I believe that I told you yesterday that your new house mate would arrive today and the staff house would have to be clean,but unfortunately it's the usual pigsty. JAMES Mrs Connors I'm sorry but it was Lucifer's birthday yesterday. He's sixteen now. I don't think that he will live to see another birthday. (patting Lucifer's head) Poor old Lucifer. We had a good time last night,yeah? THE DOG starts to WHIMPER. JAMES bends down,grabs a can of beer and pours it into a bowl. The dog drinks the beer from the bowl. MRS CONNORS and ELIAS stare in amazement. JAMES (cont'd) (off Mrs Connors and Elias's reaction) What? You've never seen a dog drinking beer? PHIL WAKES UP. PHIL Jesus! Where am I? Who am I? What am I doing here? MRS CONNORS (shaking her head) So Elias, let me introduce you to two people that not even their own mother would like to know,but anyway you'll have to work with them. This is James and that is Phil. JAMES/PHIL (in stereo) Hi. INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-PORTER'S OFFICE-NEXT DAY-EVENING MRS CONNORS and ELIAS enter the porter's office. ROBERTO the head porter is already in there. MRS CONNORS Elias, this is Roberto the head porter...he's been here for three years...so he's going to show you all the tricks of the trade. Elias and Roberto shake hands. INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-CORRIDOR-EVENING Elias and Roberto walk along a hotel corridor. ROBERTO (heavy Portuguese accent) Being a conference and banqueting porter is an easy job as long as you keep the one and only commandment of the porter's bible. NEVER WALK WITH EMPTY HANDS. When you move from place A to place B always make sure you carry something with you. They stop outside a storage cupboard. Roberto unlocks it. ROBERTO (cont'd) This is our main cupboard. As you can see we use it to store chairs,tables,flipcharts,overhead projectors and anything else that we possibly need to do our job. Do you remember where the Burston's suite is? ELIAS Mrs Connors took me for a show round earlier. I think I know where it is. ROBERTO Okay,there's going to be a dinner for fifty people there,in two hours,so we have to carry twelve six foot tables from this cupboard to the Burston's suite. I'll grab one table,you grab another and we go. ELIAS grabs a table. VIEW ON ROBERTO'S HAND as he activates his pager stealthily. ROBERTO (checking his pager) Ooops! I think that the General Manager needs me. I have to go but I'll be back to help you,okay? ELIAS Okay. Roberto walks off leaving Elias alone. Elias starts to walk down the hotel corridor with a six foot table in his hands. It's a long corridor. At the end of it he struggles to get through a big white fire door that separates the corridor he's in from another set of corridors. He takes the corridor on his left glancing all around him. As he glances around,the table that he carries swings off course and almost hits a guest. GUEST Careful boy! ELIAS keeps on walking,sweating profusely. He notices a sign on his left that reads "STAIRS TO THE GROUND FLOOR". He struggles through another fire door and then takes the stairs to the ground floor. It's pretty obvious that the hotel is not a traditional functional hotel with lifts. It's a typical English Manor House Hotel where nothing is functional especially for the poor porters. INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-ANOTHER CORRIDOR(CONTINUOUS) VIEW ON ROBERTO as he uses his master key to get into a vacant room,glancing around him like a thief. INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-VACANT ROOM - CONTINUOUS ROBERTO enters the room and turns the TV on. There's a football(soccer) match on. PORTUGAL is playing against GERMANY. ROBERTO Germans...scum of the earth! Portugal is gonna fuck your brains out. INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-CORRIDOR-CONTINUOUS VIEW ON ELIAS as he's sweating profusely carrying the six foot table. Finally he sees a sign on his right that reads "BURSTON SUITE". INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-BURSTON SUITE - CONTINUOUS ELIAS enters the function room. MR LITTLEPEN the conference and banqueting manager is already in there. MR LITTLEPEN (muttering to himself,not having seeing Elias) Porters..scum of the earth! You can never rely on them. ELIAS Excuse me? Is this the Burston Suite? MR LITTLEPEN There's a huge fucking sign outside saying "BURSTON SUITE". Why do I have to waste my saliva to tell you YES THIS IS THE BURSTON SUITE? Are you blind?..RETARDED? ELIAS Excuse me,this is my first day in this place and I just wanted to make sure. MR LITTLEPEN Jesus Christ...another Jose? ELIAS My name is not Jose. MR LITTLEPEN Okay it's not Jose. It's Manuel. So what? ELIAS It's not Manuel either. MR LITTLEPEN (like a maniac) I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOUR NAME IS. I just need twelve six foot tables to set up this room for a dinner for fifty people and I need them within the next ten minutes. Do you understand or you need a translation in Spanish? ELIAS I'm not Spanish! MR LITTLEPEN I don't give a fuck where you come from. I'm the conference and banqueting manager and if you don't get me twelve six foot tables within the next ten minutes, I'll make sure you go back where you came from. A filthy little village in the middle of nowhere. ELIAS I come from Piraeus,Greece...the biggest port in Europe..and by the way...I don't like the way you talk to me. MR LITTLEPEN Well,well,well...look what we've got here. A Greek God right? Well Greek God as long as you're in my country I'll talk to you anyway I please!!! ELIAS (glancing at Mr Littlepen's name badge) It makes me wonder what your name becomes when you add an I,S to the end!! MR LITTLEPEN (glancing at his name badge and realizing) Smart arse! Go and get the tables! ELIAS There's one outside the room. Where shall I put it? MR LITTLEPEN (pointing at a certain direction) Over there with the rest. ELIAS EXITS the room. MR LITTLEPEN takes a tray full of wine glasses in his hands. Elias enters the room again carrying the six foot table and as he crosses the room he collides with Mr Littlepen and then DISASTER! The wine glasses are all shattered in Mr Littlepen's face. ELIAS Ooops!! INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-STAFF CANTEEN-DAY VIEW ON ELIAS as he glances at the staff food laid in buffet style on a big hot plate. JAMES (O.S.) You've got the choice of shit,bullshit,crap and bollocks. No matter how long you stand there looking at it,nothing will change! ELIAS turns his head,smiling. It's JAMES and PHIL standing next to him. JAMES Closing your eyes is the ultimate secret to a happy life my friend. The food looks shit,you close your eyes and you imagine you have the best food in front of you. You're fucking a fat ugly mama?...no problem...you close your eyes and you imagine you're fucking the most gorgeous woman in the world. It feels exactly the same. The "close your eyes secret"...always remember it. It always works...and you have to do a lot of it in this country my friend! INT. STAFF CANTEEN - CONTINUOUS ELIAS,JAMES and PHIL are sitting around a table. ELIAS (stirring his food with a fork) What am I eating? JAMES It's called curry my friend. Indian food...England's favorite dish. Indian cuisine is the most popular cuisine in England. ELIAS Indian food? You're kidding me right? What do the Indians know about food? They starve to death in India...let alone that they eat their food with a dozen of flies and insects in it. PHIL Good point!! JAMES England is a country of bad taste. We eat shit...we wear shit... the weather is shit..women are shit...everything is shit in this country. It makes me wonder what you're doing here. Where do you come from anyway? PHIL Spain? ELIAS No,I'm not Spanish. PHIL You look Spanish. ELIAS Well I'm not! JAMES Italy,right? ELIAS No I'm not Italian. JAMES You look Italian. ELIAS (fed up) Well I'm not Italian! PHIL Jewish? ELIAS Get out of here..do I look like a Jew? JAMES (sounding very confident) I know where you come from. I've been on holiday to Turkey a couple of years ago and I've seen lots of guys there looking exactly like you. You're Turkish,right? ELIAS (fuming) This is the worst insult you could ever insult a Greek with and you'd better take it back before I get really angry. CECIL a big,black kitchen porter enters the staff canteen and helps himself to the buffet food. JAMES (to Elias,off Elias's reaction) Whoa,whoa,whoa!! Okay,relax,take it easy. I only said that you look like a Turk. I didn't say that you are a Turk! ELIAS It's all the same to me,so you'd better apologize. JAMES Why should I apologize? Spanish,Italians,Greeks,Turks..you all look the same....like the fucking niggers...they all look the same! CECIL (standing behind James's chair) You've got any problem with the niggers skinny? JAMES (looking behind him) Cecil,my good friend,how are you? CECIL I'm not your friend,skinny! CECIL sits at another table. PHIL Okay,lets's change the subject. (to Elias) So how old are you? ELIAS Thirty times the earth around the sun. PHIL (laughing) Thirty times the earth around the sun? A typical Greek philosopher. Well I'm 24 times the earth around the sun.......So what is a Greek philosopher doing in England? ELIAS I'm here to get wiser,away from the Greek army which is a place for lunatics. JAMES Oh, I see!! We've got a Greek deserter here! ELIAS Did you wake up today with a desire to get punched or something? I'm not a deserter. I just didn't want to waste two years of my life in the Greek army. Why should I do that? Because we're only ten million Greeks and they are sixty million Turks,multiplying like rabbits and having one ultimate dream of invading Greece,something that will never happen because uncle Sam is going to intervene? Excuse me....hello!!!..not me!! I'm not gonna take ...thank you. PHIL So you don't like the Turks,right? ELIAS I hate them! JAMES Have you ever met a Turk in your life? ELIAS No. JAMES So why do you hate them? ELIAS Because I do. JAMES But why? Give me a reason. ELIAS I don't know...leave me alone,okay? JAMES You hate for no reason and people that hate for no reason are sick! ELIAS Fuck off!! You don't know nothing about the history of Greece!! JAMES You're talking about history,the past....I'm talking about the present,now..Is there any living Turk that has done you any wrong? No!..because you've never met any living Turk anyway! ELIAS Well, fuck off!! If you like the Turks so much,go and live with them. JAMES Turkish girls are gorgeous. I met a Turkish girl on my holiday there. She was stunning!! ELIAS You're kidding me,right? Turkish girls are the ugliest girls in the world. They've got moustaches...sideburns...yellow teeth,they don't shave their armpits,their legs....they're fat.... JAMES Have you ever met a Turkish girl? ELIAS No. JAMES So how do you know that they don't shave their armpits? ELIAS I've got a hunch. PHIL So you can't go back to Greece now,right? ELIAS Right! If I go back,I go straight to prison. PHIL So what are you gonna do? Are you gonna stay here for the rest of your life? ELIAS God's got!! PHIL God's got? What's that supposed to mean? ELIAS God's got. It's a Greek expression. It means that God is rich. He's always got things to give you even if you're hopeless and desperate. God's got. PHIL God's got! JAMES God's got...WE ain't got!! PHIL (to Elias) Talking about God. We're going to the church,tonight. Are you coming with us? We're gonna have a good time? ELIAS (hesitant) The church? JAMES You're not a good Christian? ELIAS Well...I believe in God but it's only Tuesday. I usually go every Sunday. JAMES So you're not a good Christian then! PHIL Me and James go to church every day. ELIAS (looking at them suspiciously) Well I have to admit you don't look the kind of guys that go to church every day! JAMES'S PAGER goes off. He checks it. JAMES Ooops!!..Mr Littlepenis is looking for us. Let's go. They rise. INT. THE NOKE-RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS MR LITTLEPEN is standing near the front desk. JAMES,PHIL and ELIAS arrive. MR LITTLEPEN At last! The three stooges! Okay Greek god!..I need thirty clean coffee cups in the Mary Austin suite. You've got five minutes. (to James and Phil) You two,come with me. JAMES I didn't hear any please Mr Littlepen. MR LITTLEPEN Okay....can you please shut the fuck up and follow me? JAMES (glancing at Phil) At least he said please!! INT. THE NOKE-KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS ELIAS is in the kitchen of the hotel polishing coffee cups with a cloth. He grabs a coffee cup that's got a tough stain on it. He tries hard to remove it but the stain doesn't come off. CECIL (O.S.) Spit in it! ELIAS Excuse me? CECIL Spit in it...here..let me show you. CECIL takes the coffee cup and the cloth from ELIAS,he spits in the coffee cup,he polishes and the stain is GONE!! CECIL (showing Elias the clean coffee cup) You see? It's clean now. That's the right technique. The CECIL technique. ELIAS (dumbfounded) All right! INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-MARY AUSTIN SUITE - CONTINUOUS ELIAS enters the Mary Austin suite carrying a tray full of coffee cups. JAMES,PHIL and MR LITTLEPEN are already in there breaking tables and working on the layout of the function room MR LITTLEPEN (seeing Elias) Okay,give me the coffee cups. ELIAS gives him the tray. JAMES swings a table toward MR LITTLEPEN supposedly by accident(but not really),but Mr Littlepen elegantly avoids it. MR LITTLEPEN Not again! I know your dirty little tricks! MR LITTLEPEN starts to cross the function room with a smile on his face having avoided JAMES'S table,but he's not careful and trips over an overhead projector's cable and goes down along with the coffee cups. MR LITTLEPEN (furious) I told you a thousand times to tape the fucking cables of the overhead projectors! ELIAS,JAMES and PHIL make funny grimaces. EXT. THE CHURCH PUB-NIGHT VIEW ON A SIGN that reads:"THE CHURCH PUB-COME INSIDE TO WORSHIP GOD". There's also a big picture of a pint of lager and people kneeling before it. CAMERA tilts down to reveal JAMES,PHIL and ELIAS entering the "CHURCH" INT. THE CHURCH PUB-NIGHT MOVING VIEW ON JAMES,ELIAS and PHIL as they cross toward the bar. JAMES (to Elias) Welcome to my church my Greek friend. The only place where hard earned wages are worth being spent on. ELIAS SMILES. JAMES (pointing with his finger at the bar tender) This is Saint Peter....Saint Peter guards the gates of heaven....HEY SAINT PETER...three pints of lager and a packet of crisps. BAR TENDER Okay. JAMES No other religion....no other religion in England has so many disciples as this one. Nothing comes close...call it football...call it drugs...call it whatever industry you wanna call it. English pubs make more money than all the rest added together......simply because they've got more disciples than all the rest added together. (grabbing a pint that the barman placed next to him) ....and this is our GOD!! The one and only meaning of an Englishman's existence!! INT. THE CHURCH PUB-NIGHT(CONTINUOUS) JAMES,ELIAS and PHIL take their seats around a table. JAMES (raising his pint-making a toast) God's got!! PHIL God's got!! ELIAS God's got...we ain't got!! JAMES When you've got a pint of lager in your hands,you've got everything. You don't need nothing more... (glancing to his left-a very sexy girl in a mini skirt walks by) ....with the exception maybe of a little bit of that! PHIL and ELIAS turn their heads to look at the girl. ELIAS smiles. ELIAS Talking about English girls..what are they like? PHIL The drink,they smoke,they fuck and they talk for hours and hours on their mobile phones. That's all they do! JAMES They're all slappers...they don't like people like me and Phil. They like latino looking guys...like you...with a foreign accent. They go crazy over men with a foreign accent. They'll be throwing their knickers at you! ELIAS I don't like women who drink and smoke. I hate women who deliberately blow the smoke of their cigarette in a man's face. I just hate them! PHIL I'm afraid you're in the wrong country my friend! There's no English girl that doesn't drink and smoke. They all start drinking,smoking and fucking from the age of thirteen! The same SEXY GIRL that walked by earlier on,walks by again. JAMES (to the girl) Hey babe! Can I buy you a drink or you'd rather have it cash? GIRL Get lost jerk! (stopping and glancing to Elias) Hi ya! ELIAS Hi! The GIRL walks off smiling at ELIAS. JAMES You see! She called me a jerk...she told you hi ya!....what do I have to do? Get a dimple on my chin?...get a foreign accent?..change my name to Enrique or Julio? ELIAS My name is not Enrique or Julio but she still told me hi ya. PHIL By the way,your name,Elias,does it have some sort of a meaning in Greek? ELIAS No....Greek names don't mean no jackshit. Actually it's not even a Greek name. It's a Jewish name. PHIL Are you a Jew? ELIAS (upset) No...of course not! PHIL Okay relax! It was just a question. JAMES (to Elias) I bet you don't like the Jews right? ELIAS Right! JAMES Why? ELIAS I don't know....I just don't like them. JAMES Have you ever met a Jew in your life? ELIAS No. JAMES So how come you don't like them,since you've never met one? ELIAS I don't know. JAMES You're a racist! ELIAS Look,don't start again...all right? JAMES I bet you don't like the Germans too,right? ELIAS Right! JAMES Have you ever met a German in your life? I bet not...you hate for no reason and people that hate for no reason hate themselves! ELIAS Is it possible to have my beer without listening to your crap? JAMES Okay...No more annoying questions....but is it true that homosexuality was very popular in ancient Greece? ELIAS glances at JAMES with his usual,"what have I done to deserve this" expression on his face. INT. STAFF HOUSE-KITCHEN-DAY CLOSE VIEW ON A JAR of nutella chocolate spread. CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal ELIAS spooning it out. He leaves the jar on the table and opens the freezer. He takes out a microwaveable curry meal. He looks at it for a while,unwraps it and puts it in the microwave oven. He starts on the chocolate spread again. HIS MOBILE PHONE GOES. He answers it. ELIAS Hello...hi mum...I'm fine and you?...yeah I know. ELIAS puts his phone on speaker mode and leaves it on the table. MOTHER Me and your father would like to come and visit you. We're missing you. ELIAS (eating nutella) Mum are you kidding me? It's only three weeks since I left and you wanna come to visit me? (there's nutella on his face) I'm not a baby!....when are you going to realize that? I'm thirty years old! MOTHER Are you eating well? ELIAS I'm still alive! MOTHER What are you eating? ELIAS At the moment I'm eating chocolate spread and after that I'll have a curry. MOTHER Curry?..What is a curry? ELIAS It's England's favorite dish mum. Indian food. MOTHER Indian food? What do the Indians know about food. They starve to death in India. ELIAS Good point! MOTHER ...and their food is full of flies and insects. You should let me come and cook for you. ELIAS (grimacing funnily) Mum I'm fine....as long as there's chocolate spread around I'm fine. MOTHER What's the weather like? ELIAS I'm still alive! MOTHER Do you dress warm? ELIAS (fed up) Yes mum...I dress warm. MOTHER What's the place that you're staying like? Is it clean? ELIAS GLANCES AROUND HIM. Everything is a mess. The kitchen..the floor ...the lounge... ELIAS I'm still alive! INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-RECEPTION-DAY An American-Italian guest MR BINELLI is at the front desk,checking in. MR BINELLI (to Simon) What do you mean you haven't got any room for me? I made my reservation three months ago! SIMON I'm afraid your name is not on my system Mr Binelli. MR BINELLI (getting angry) Well sort it out and give me a room! SIMON Mr Binelli,I'm afraid we're fully booked tonight. There's nothing I can do for you apart from booking you out at another hotel. MR BINELLI (getting really angry) I WANNA STAY HERE YOU FAGGOT....YOU LISTEN TO ME? MR BINELLI and SIMON attract the interest of other hotel guests. SIMON (calm) I'm afraid there's nothing I can do! MR BINELLI I wanna speak to the manager right now! SIMON I'm the Front of House Manager sir. MR BINELLI You faggot! You make an entrance out of the exit and you think you have the right to speak? I've got the solution to your problem. We should put you all in an island and throw some nucs on it...but before that happens... (grabs Simon's neck and pulls him over the desk toward his side) ..I'M GONNA KILL YOU WITH MY OWN HANDS YOU FATHERFUCKER!! MR BINELLI is on top of SIMON strangling him. PHIL walks into the reception area and seeing what's happening he attacks MR BINELLI from behind. HOTEL GUESTS are dumbfounded. MR BINELLI lets go of SIMON and with just one move he brings PHIL under him and starts to strangle him. MR BINELLI You make an entrance out of the exit too eh? PHIL (trying to breathe) Excuse me? MR BINELLI I'm gonna kill you all with my own hands you faggots! ELIAS enters the reception area carrying three big bottles of water in a tray. He can't believe what he sees. ELIAS leaves the tray on the floor and attacks MR BINELLI from behind. MR BINELLI pushes him away and keeps on strangling PHIL. ELIAS picks up a bottle of water and smashes it on MR BINELLI'S head. ELIAS (smashing the bottle on Mr Binelli's head) How we love smashing things in Greece! MR BINELLI collapses on PHIL'S body. PHIL pushes Mr BINELLI off him. ELIAS (cont'd) (to Phil) What happened here? PHIL (still on the floor panting and gasping) He just didn't like people that make an exit out of the entrance....No!....the other way round....an entrance out of the exit! ELIAS (confused) What are you talking about? PHIL Forget about it. EXT. OPEN BASKETBALL COURT-DAY ELIAS and JAMES are on an open basketball court. ELIAS shoots the ball and it goes into the basket. JAMES takes the ball,he takes his time aiming,he shoots,but the ball goes miles away from the basket. JAMES You know what?....Whatever is done with hands is pure wanking! Call it sports,call it whatever you wanna call it. JAMES takes the ball once again but this time he kicks it like a football and it goes in the basket. ELIAS grimaces funnily. ELIAS It's called basketball you English cunt! You're supposed to use your hands. JAMES I'd rather use my legs. They give me more pleasure than my hands. ELIAS (shooting the ball) Typical English. Useless. JAMES (taking the ball and kicking it into the basket) Well,you can keep on using your hands my Greek friend. Some people are born wankers,some people are born fuckers. ELIAS Ha,ha,ha...look who's talking! JAMES Well you've been in this country for the last four weeks but you haven't scored yet. ELIAS That's true. I admit it. It's tragic....four weeks and I still haven't found myself a girl! JAMES (mimicking playing an air violin) Oh..it's so tragic.....My Greek friend hasn't fucked for four weeks. (raising his right hand and moving his fingers) Excuse me!...Hello!... I've been dating the widow and her five orphans ( looking at the palm of his hand)...for the last twelve months. ELIAS (laughing) The widow and her five orphans,right? (looking at the palm of his hand) Well the thing is that I don't wanna date the widow and her five orphans. Can you help me? JAMES Yeah...I can give you a hand If you want! ELIAS Fuck off! JAMES (thoughtful) Well,I know some girls that would be interested in a greasy Greek latino looking guy like you. What do I get in return? ELIAS A peek maybe!...to give you some more inspiration when you date the widow and her five orphans!! JAMES Wicked!! INT. THE CHURCH PUB-NIGHT A MONTAGE OF SCENES starts. We're in the church pub. ELIAS is sitting at a table and five different girls sit across him,one at a time. GIRL 1 I like going out..having fun...drinking...smoking...dancing ..flirting.... GIRL 2 I don't like cooking...I hate cooking. I don't like men who expect from their girlfriends or their wives to cook for them. GIRL 3 I like that dimple on your chin. It's so sexy! You look like John Travolta. GIRL 4 My old man kicked me out when I was fourteen. I was very rebellious. I was dating a sixty year old man. It was fun. He had lots of money. GIRL 5 I like latino looking guys with an accent...English men are not my cup of tea...especially ginger men. I hate them. It makes me wanna puke when I see a ginger man! GIRL 1 I don't believe in monogamous relationships. I believe there's a reason why God made us many.....and the reason why God made us many is because he wants us to meet one another and learn from one another....and that's what I wanna do in my life....meet as many people as possible......especially men! ELIAS (thoughtful) You know there's a certain job that you can do that can really help you meet lots of people....especially men!! GIRL 1 Really? What job is that? ELIAS It involves lots of lying on the horizontal axon. GIRL 1 (sounding very stupid) Is it a scientific job? ELIAS No!....I'll tell you later about it. GIRL 2 Let's get something straight now! I don't like men who try to fuck me when I'm asleep! I mean I don't have any problem going to bed with two or three men...but when someone tries to fuck me while I'm asleep ...I GO BALLISTIC!! ELIAS Right!! GIRL 3 (blowing the smoke of her cigarette in Elias's face) So what sort of women do you like? ELIAS (coughing) Women that don't blow the smoke of their cigarette in my face maybe? GIRL 4 My ex boyfriend was horrible to me. He was 75 years old....I returned home one day only to find him in bed with a neighbor. What hurt me most and literally devastated me,was the fact that the neighbor happened to be a man that I was seeing at that time. ELIAS I understand!! GIRL 5 I used to be romantic...believe in love...but I've changed ever since I caught my ex boy friend in bed with my mother.......You're not very talkative...are you?.....You're a good listener....I like that....I believe the most important thing in a relationship is being a good listener...listening to what your partner has to say....because some... ELIAS (interrupting) I believe that too...I think... GIRL 5 (interrupting him) I don't like being interrupted. We have to get this straight now! ELIAS Okay....I'm sorry....carry on... INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-THE SORTING ROOM(FUNCTION ROOM)-DAY ELIAS and JAMES are in a function room called the sorting room clearing coffee cups off the tables. JAMES Well? ELIAS Well what? JAMES What happened? ELIAS (sarcastically) They were all so charming....they swept me off my feet...I'm spoilt for choice. I don't know who to pick. The moron,the stupid,the idiot,the imbecile or the retard? You know what on of them said to me? (mimicking that girls's voice) I wanna meet as many people as possible...especially men!....and I went like......excuse me?..My darling? There's one job that can make your dream come true.....become a whore sweetheart! JAMES Excuse me...what are you looking for?....A virgin? ELIAS I'm looking for a half decent girl. JAMES There ain't no half decent girls in England....I told you so. ELIAS Good things come to those who wait. JAMES Yeah! The widow and her five orphans! JAMES picks up a tray full of dirty coffee cups and exits the function room. ELIAS picks up a tray as well and crosses towards the door. He grabs the handle to open the door but the handle comes off loose. He leaves the tray on the floor and tries to fit the handle back in the door. He tries many times but his efforts are fruitless. He realizes that he's actually locked in the room. ELIAS Jesus Christ...what've I done to deserve this! (glancing around him) No telephone in the room! What a surprise! He crosses toward the windows of the function room which is on the second floor of the hotel overlooking the entrance. He looks out the window. ELIAS'S POV: A Japanese man and his wife carrying suitcases walking toward the front door of the hotel. ELIAS (to the Japanese man) EXCUSE ME!! HELLO!! The Japanese couple stop and turn their heads to ELIAS'S direction. They've got the typical huge Japanese smile on their faces. ELIAS (leaning out the window) HELLO!! Can you do me a favour please? Can you go to reception and tell them that Elias is locked in the sorting room? The Japanese keep on smiling without doing anything. ELIAS Can you please go to reception and tell them that I'm locked in the sorting room? The Japanese nod yes,still smiling,but they're still standing there looking at Elias,doing nothing to help him. It's obvious that they don't understand a word in English. The Japanese man takes his camera out and starts taking pictures of ELIAS. ELIAS What the fuck!! CAN YOU GO TO RECEPTION AND TELL THEM THAT I GOT LOCKED IN THIS FUCKING ROOM? The Japanese keep on smiling and nodding yes,but still doing nothing. ELIAS (holding the door handle in his hands) Have you ever got a door handle thrown in to your face? Keep on smiling and it will soon happen! Another customer walks by carrying a suitcase. ELIAS Excuse me sir! Excuse me! Do you speak English? CUSTOMER (heavy texas accent glancing up) Yeah! ELIAS Thanks God. Can you please go to reception and tell them that Elias got locked in the sorting room? CUSTOMER The sorting room? What are you doing in the sorting room son? Are you getting sorted or something? ELIAS No sir...it's just the stupid name of a stupid function room. All right? CUSTOMER And your name is Elias? ELIAS Yes. CUSTOMER That's a Jewish name. Are you a Jew? ELIAS (to himself) Jesus Christ...what have I done to deserve this!!! EXT. ICELAND SUPER MARKET-DAY VIEW ON ELIAS as he walks towards the entrance of a super market. INT. ICELAND SUPER MARKET-DAY ELIAS enters the super market,takes a trolley and starts to cross one of the corridors glancing at the shelves and occasionally stopping to check products. Ahead of him there's a super market girl(JANE) stocking the shelves. ELIAS walks toward her. ELIAS (to Jane) Excuse me? Could you please tell me where do you keep the chocolate spreads and all that chocolate stuff? JANE turns her head and sees ELIAS. She's dumbfounded. By the expression on her face we can tell that ELIAS is some sort of a man of her dreams. ELIAS scratches his head. He can't understand why JANE is looking at him that way. He glances around him and then touches his face to make sure that everything is all right with it. ELIAS (to himself) Do I have any big pimple on my face or something? JANE (in a trance) The...the ..the chocolate spread? Would you like to follow me? I'll show you. ANOTHER ANGLE ELIAS and JANE arrive at the section where the chocolates are kept. JANE There you go. ELIAS Oh! Thank you. ELIAS starts filling his trolley with all sorts of chocolates and chocolate spreads. JANE (still in a trance) Is there anything else that I can do for you? ELIAS No thank you!...Actually can you tell me...have you got any Sara Lee double chocolate cakes? ANOTHER ANGLE ELIAS crosses toward a register. The super market is quiet and there's only one customer ahead of him who pays the girl at the register and leaves. The girl sitting at the register is ELAINE that we met earlier on. She glances up...she sees ELIAS and smiles at him the most amazing smile imaginable...a smile of a lifetime. ELIAS is DUMBFOUNDED....swept off his feet...but he quickly pulls himself together,trying to avoid looking like an idiot. ELAINE Hello! ELIAS Hi! ELAINE (while checking out items using the bar code machine,occasionally stopping to glance at Elias) Is this your first time here? ELIAS There's a first time for everything. ELAINE I've got a very good memory. I never forget faces. I've been here for the last four months and I can literally remember everybody....Are you new in the area? ELIAS Four weeks. ELAINE Spanish? ELIAS No. ELAINE Italian? ELIAS No. ELAINE Turkish? ELIAS (upset) Of course I'm not!! ELAINE Hm!!...By the way you reacted to my question I can tell you're a Greek. ELIAS Spot on! CLOSE SHOT OF ELAINE as her happy mood changes having realized that ELIAS is Greek and she's Turkish. ELAINE So what is a Greek God doing in England? ELIAS I've got my reasons to be here...You're American right? ELAINE Sort of. ELIAS So what is an American doing in England? ELAINE I've got my reasons......so where are you working? ELIAS I work at the Noke hotel as conference porter. ELAINE Do you live in? ELIAS I live in the staff house of the hotel,along with two alcoholics......no!...the Dog included,it's three alcoholics. VIEW ON JANE as she's glancing at ELAINE and ELIAS from a distance,with an expression of jealousy on her face. VIEW ON ELAINE ELAINE So how long do you intend to stay here? ELIAS Well,I can't go back to Greece anyway. One of the reasons why I left was because I didn't want to go to the army. At that point ELAINE realizes that JANE is motioning to her with her hands. ELAINE looks at JANE but she can't really understand what JANE wants from her. ELAINE looks confused. JANE points to ELIAS with her fingers. ELIAS turns around and sees JANE pointing at him with her fingers. JANE stops immediately and returns to work. ELIAS turns his eyes back to ELAINE. ELAINE (smiling and glancing at the dozens of chocolate spreads that Elias is buying) Well I guess she wants me to go and help her restock the shelves with chocolate spreads and chocolates.....are you invited to a children's party or something? ELIAS No. ELAINE Do you have children? ELIAS No. ELAINE So who is all this chocolate stuff for? ELIAS My self. ELAINE You're joking,right? ELIAS No....life's not been fair to me,so that's how I take my revenge. ELAINE By replacing your bloodstream with a sugar stream? ELIAS It could be worse. I could be replacing my bloodstream with an alcohol stream or a drug stream....at least it's only chocolate. ELAINE You're gonna die of diabetes sooner or later. ELIAS Who cares? My life is not that interesting anyway. ELAINE It can't be that bad! You're a very handsome guy...(glancing at Jane)...I'm sure there's lots of women running after you.....by the way...how come you don't get fat eating all that stuff? ELIAS I just don't worry and I don't care about getting fat.....that's the secret. ELAINE So it's fifty pounds worth of chocolate! ELIAS takes a credit card out of his pocket and hands it to ELAINE. ELIAS The best thing that hard earned wages can be spent on. ELAINE (giving Elias the credit card slip to sign) They say that some people use chocolate as a substitute for sex! ELIAS (signing) Hm...whatever!......Okay I have to get going. Nice to meet you. ELAINE I think you forgot something. ELIAS What? ELAINE You forgot to tell me your name. ELIAS Elias. ELAINE (extending her hand) Elaine... (shaking hands) Pleased to meet you. ELIAS (smiling-grabbing the shopping bags) See you later. ELAINE See you. As soon as ELIAS exits the super market,JANE rushes toward ELAINE. JANE I've just met the man I wanna marry and have children with. ELAINE Really?....and who might that be? JANE You've been talking to him. ELAINE Ah!!...the Greek God you mean. JANE Is he Greek? ELAINE Typical! JANE I've seen the way you were looking at him. You fancy him right? ELAINE Jane what are you talking about? I've got a boyfriend.....let alone that he's Greek and I'm Turkish! JANE You're what? ELAINE The only reason why I have an American accent is because I grew up in America. My last name is Ozturk and both my parents are Turkish. JANE I thought that Turkish people are dark. ELAINE Oh shut up! Turks come in all shades. You can even have blond Turks with blue eyes. JANE I've seen the way he was looking at you. ELAINE Jane,do you know that the Greeks hate the Turks and the Turks hate the Greeks? JANE No! ELAINE Let me put it in another way. Do you know that the Palestinians hate the Jews and the Jews hate the Palestinians? JANE (hesitating) Y..Yes! I've seen stuff on TV. ELAINE Well...take that hatred,multiply it by one hundred and you get an idea of how the Greeks feel about the Turks and the other way round. JANE Can you help me? ELAINE With what? JANE With h.. ELAINE (understanding) Elias...his name is Elias. What do you want me to do?...Next time he comes in,go and speak to him....ask him out. JANE Elaine,help me please! Whenever I meet someone that I like,I just run away. I'll never find the courage to speak to him. ELAINE Well in that case,you'll never go out with someone that you like. JANE Will you help me? ELAINE Okay! I'll figure out something. JANE Thank you! I'll name one of the children that I'll have with him after you. ELAINE (grimacing funnily) Considering that you haven't been able to speak to him yet,I don't see how you can possibly have kids with him........except if you pray to God for an immaculate conception! INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-CORRIDORS-RECEPTION-DAY ELIAS and JAMES are crossing a hotel corridor. JAMES (sarcastically) You met the woman of your dreams in a super market! Right!! ELIAS She's got the most unimaginable smile imaginable......sweeter that sugar can be.....she's got class...quality...everything I ever wanted...everything I ever dreamed of. She's the kind of girl that makes you wanna go all the way through. JAMES The kind of girl that makes you wanna go all the way through! What the fuck is that supposed to mean? ELIAS It means that I'm swept off my feet big time! JAMES You're incorrigibly romantic. You're riding for a fall ELIAS At least I'm riding for something....you're riding for nothing! You're only hope is the widow and her five orphans. ANOTHER ANGLE ELIAS and JAMES arrive at reception. SIMON is behind the desk and an old lady is standing in front of him. SIMON (to Elias and James) Elias,James....could you possibly help the lady with her luggage? ELIAS Certainly....where's the luggage? SIMON It's outside. EXT. THE NOKE HOTEL-DAY ELIAS and JAMES exit the hotel. There's a minivan parked outside the entrance and the driver looking really sweaty has just finished unloading fifteen big suitcases. ELIAS (glancing at the suitcases) I think it's going to be a long stay. JAMES What the fuck? Is she the only survivor of the Titanic or something? I listen to your plan. ELIAS My plan is that there's no plan. We're fucked!! INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-CORRIDOR-CONTINUOUS VIEW ON ELIAS and JAMES as they carry the last two suitcases to the old lady's room. They both look the worse for wear..really sweaty. They enter the room,they leave the suitcases and then exit. The old lady comes to the door holding lots of change in her hands. OLD LADY (counting the change) Thank you boys. Now can you tell me how much do you usually get tipped in this place? JAMES Oh madam! We never get tipped in this place! OLD LADY (shutting the door in their faces without giving them any tip) All right then. Good bye. ELIAS is dumbfounded. He's glancing at JAMES. JAMES (shrugging) What? I just told the truth! ELIAS And the truth was very important to be told in this case,right? JAMES shrugs. ELIAS (cont'd) (glancing over James's shoulder and pointing with his finger) Look!!! Nicole Kidman!!! JAMES turns around to look and ELIAS gets the chance to land a powerful kick in his arse. JAMES turns around trying to complain. ELIAS starts swearing at him in Greek and walks off grimacing funnily. EXT. HMV SHOP-DAY ELIAS,JAMES and PHIL enter an HMV shop. INT. HMV SHOP-DAY ELIAS,JAMES and PHIL are checking the Dvds and Cds. ELIAS grabs a Dvd from the stand. ELIAS Now,that's what I call a deal! The midnight express on dvd and the soundtrack on cd bundled together for 10 pounds. This is a steal! JAMES I've never watched this film. PHIL Me neither! ELIAS You're kidding me,right? This is the best movie ever made in the history of mankind and you've never seen it? JAMES I prefer the star wars. PHIL Jack ass the movie is the best movie of all time. ELIAS Unimaginable cunts you are! I'll buy me a copy and I'll buy a copy for you as well. WATCH IT AND LEARN!! JAMES What is it about anyway? ELIAS It's about a poor American who gets a lifetime sentence in prison,in Turkey,for trying to smuggle a handful of cocaine out of Istanbul airport. This movie is the apotheosis of Turkish barbarism!! JAMES You mean to say that this movie is full of hatred for the Turks! ELIAS They deserve it anyway.....once an animal,always an animal. They were barbarians from the start...they still are. EXT. BOOTS STORE - LATER VIEW ON ELIAS as he enters the store. INT. BOOTS STORE - CONTINUOUS VIEW ON ELIAS as he crosses the women's section of the store towards the men's section. There's a woman standing in front of a stand full of women's perfumes. As ELIAS passes by,the woman sprays perfume on her,but by accident a mist of spray gets in Elias's eyes. ELIAS (angry-rubbing his eyes) Christ sake's woman!!...I'll need a new pair of eyes after that...what've I done to deserve this? The woman turns around. It's ELAINE. She realizes that the person shouting at her is ELIAS. She smiles. ELIAS still rubbing his eyes and still not being able to see anything,continues to cross towards the men's section. On his way he trips over a funny looking little dog and he goes down. The DOG starts to bark at him. ELIAS It's getting better and better. Jesus Christ!! EXT. OUTSIDE SEATING OF CAFE VICOLO - LATER ELIAS is sitting at a table reading a magazine. ELAINE (O.S.) You're not gonna need a new pair of eyes after all. You can still see. ELIAS glances up. He's surprised to see ELAINE. ELIAS Elaine ....hi!! What did you say? ELAINE The woman that almost got you blind earlier on,was me. ELIAS (smiling) Oh!...right!..I'm sorry! I didn't mean to get angry! I didn't know it was you anyway.......Take your seat!...Have a coffee! ELAINE (smiling) Okay. The waiter arrives at the table. ELAINE (to the waiter) Just an orange juice,please. (glancing at Elias's HMV bag on the table) So what did you buy?...Can I have a look. ELIAS Yeah!...Go ahead! ELAINE takes out the midnight express DVD out of the bag and glances at it. ELIAS That's the best movie of all time. I must have seen it over two hundred times. ELAINE (smiling) Oh! The Midnight Express! What a surprise! The most hated movie in Turkey is a Greek's favorite film. Why do you like it so much? ELIAS Because it's the apotheosis of the Turkish barbarism,corruption and filth. ELAINE Do you hate the Turks? ELIAS I don't like them. ELAINE Have you ever met one? ELIAS No...but they're pigs anyway. Once a pig always a pig. ELAINE They say that Turkish girls are very pretty. ELIAS HA!!...let me laugh my head off!! Turkish girls? They are the ugliest girls in the universe! They've got moustaches,sideburns,yellow teeth, they don't shave their arm pits,their legs,they're short,fat....they've got greasy hair... ELAINE (a bit upset) Have you ever met a Turkish girl? ELIAS No!...and I wouldn't wanna meet one either. ELAINE (upset) Well it makes me wonder!! If you've never met a Turkish girl,how do you know that they don't shave their arm pits? ELIAS I imagine so! ELAINE Hm!!...have you got a girlfriend? ELIAS No. ELAINE So what sort of women do you like? ELIAS glances deep in her eye. We can sense the electricity in the air. ELIAS (trying to seduce her,literally describing the way she looks) I like women with long black shiny hair....Black eyes full of fire,teeth whiter than the sun,skin whiter than a swan... ELAINE (interrupting him) ...and arm pits with no hair. ELIAS Why not? ELAINE checks her watch feeling a bit uncomfortable. The waiter comes with a glass of orange juice. He leaves it on the table. ELAINE Well I have to go. ELIAS You're not going to drink your juice? ELAINE gets up...she smiles and drinks half of the juice. ELAINE Well thank you...I'll speak to you later. ELIAS Good buy. ELAINE leaves. ELIAS takes the half full glass of orange juice,turns it toward the place where ELAINE'S lips left a mark on,and drinks the rest of the juice,closing his eyes as if kissing ELAINE. INT. STAFF HOUSE-KITCHEN-DAY ELIAS is in the kitchen. He opens a kitchen drawer and takes a fork out. He looks at it for a while. The fork is obviously dirty. He takes another out but it's dirty as well. Soon he realizes that all the cutlery in the kitchen drawer is dirty. JAMES walks into the kitchen,in his under wears,half awake,half asleep,with fly away hair,looking like somebody's nightmare. ELIAS (holding a dirty fork) James?...Question! Is this clean or dirty? JAMES glances at the fork,scratching his head. JAMES It's clean. JAMES walks to the sink,turns on the tap and starts to drink water using his left hand. ELIAS James?....I'm going to ask you the question once again and if I don't get the right answer I'm gonna go ballistic!!....Is this fork clean or dirty? JAMES Look!...by my standards it's clean...by your standards it's dirty. Different people have different standards...simple as that! ELIAS (smiling softly) My father used to tell me,when someone upsets you count to three,take a deep breath and it will go away.....One...two...three.. (he takes a deep breath and exhales) It didn't work. (shouting like a maniac) WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY MY STANDARDS IT'S DIRTY...BY YOUR STANDARDS IT'S CLEAN. THIS IS CLEAN ONLY BY A PIG'S STANDARDS!!! JAMES (very calm) Are you calling me a pig? ELIAS looks straight into the camera and then back to JAMES. ELIAS (sounding very funny and very loud) YEAH!!!! JAMES (very calm) It doesn't bother me none. My mother used to call me a pig ever since I was five. I'm used to it. Look...I believe in democracy and as a Greek you should believe in democracy too! I have the right to have my opinion and you have the right to have yours. ELIAS (shouting) What does democracy have to do with putting away dirty cutlery....can you explain to me? JAMES (scratching his head) Look...it's too early in the morning. I can't put my mind to think. ELIAS It's three o'clock in the afternoon and you can't put your mind to think anyway.....but I'm sure... (grabs all the dirty cutlery from the kitchen drawer and throws them in the kitchen sink) ...I'm sure you can put your hands to wash. INT. ICELAND SUPER MARKET-DAY The super market is quiet. ELAINE is sitting at a register. JANE walks towards her. ELAINE Hm...Jane...guess who I met yesterday. JANE Who? ELAINE The Greek God!! JANE Really?...did he say anything about me? ELAINE (thinking for a second) N...not exactly. He was singing the Turkish girls praises!! JANE Excuse me? ELAINE Nothing..leave it...Ooops!! Speak of the devil! ELAINE'S POV: ELIAS enters the super market and picks up a basket. JANE turns her head and sees ELIAS. JANE (very stressed) Elaine please help me...do something! ELAINE What do you want me to do? JANE Talk to him...please!! VIEW ON ELIAS as he puts jars of chocolate spread in his basket. JANE walks towards him. JANE (looking and sounding like a love struck teenager) Hi!! ELIAS (cold) Hi. JANE Is there anything that I can help you with? ELIAS No...I know where things are now. JANE Are you sure? ELIAS Yes. ELIAS leaves JANE and continues to cross the corridor. JANE looks disappointed. ELIAS walks to the register where ELAINE is sitting. ELAINE Topping up your sugar stream?? ELIAS I think you're just jealous because I can eat all these chocolates without getting fat. ELIAS starts to empty his basket ( full of chocolate spreads) and ELAINE starts to check out the items. ELAINE So how are you? JANE motions to ELAINE with her hands from a distance. ELAINE grimaces. ELIAS I'm still alive! How about you? ELAINE I'm still alive.....Do you do anything else apart from eating nutellas when you're off?....Have you got many friends here in Saint Albans? ELIAS I wouldn't say that. ELAINE Would you like to swap mobile phone numbers with me and may be we could go out together for a drink next Friday? ELIAS (surprised) Yes!...absolutely...definitely!! I mean it would be great!! I'd love to!! VIEW ON ELAINE as she smiles at ELIAS a smile that implies a lot. INT. STAFF HOUSE-AFTERNOON ELIAS enters the staff house after work. He looks tired. He goes up the stairs that lead to the lounge. JAMES and PHIL are in the lounge watching the Midnight Express. The whole room is filled with smoke. It's pretty obvious that they've been smoking a lot. ELIAS glances at them in desperation. ELIAS (fed up) Don't Bogart the place! I told you a thousand times that I hate smoke,but you just keep on fucking me off! PHIL Hey...my Greek friend...the rules of democracy apply in this house. We're two...you're one...We win..you loose...we keep on smoking. ELIAS Pigs! JAMES We are and we're proud of the species we belong to! ELIAS By the way...do you know who is coming to inspect the staff house tomorrow? PHIL (sarcastically) Mrs Connors? ELIAS I'm afraid not! It's not Mrs Connors....it's the General Manager himself! If the staff house is not spotless tomorrow we're all going to get sacked!!....so you'd better move your asses,get yourselves into gear,cause we start cleaning!.....NOW!! A MONTAGE OF SCENES BEGINS A montage of hilarious scenes of the boys cleaning the staff house begins. The song "ISTANBUL BLUES" taken from the soundtrack of "Midnight Express" plays all through the montage. What makes it even funnier is that at some points there's a perfect synchronization of the boys's lips with the song we hear. For example when ELIAS is cleaning the toilet his lips are synchronized to the part of the song that goes "oh lord now save me! Come and save me from this pain!!" THE MONTAGE BEGINS. A) JAMES and PHIL grab a hoover and start to hoover the lounge. B) ELIAS starts in the toilet. He cleans the horribly dirty toilet seat and the horribly dirty lavatory pan. C) JAMES swipes the surface of the TV with a white cloth. The cloth gets black from the unimaginable dirt. D) ELIAS cleans the filthy toilet sink which is blocked with lots of hair. E) PHIL is cleaning the windows F) ELIAS is the kitchen now. He opens the fridge and takes out a bunch of "black bananas" and bins them. After that he takes a bottle of milk out of the fridge and starts pouring it into the sink. It's pretty obvious that the milk has expired a long,long time ago. There's an expression of disgust on ELIAS'S face. G) VIEW ON JAMES and PHIL as they carry full bin bags down the stairs that lead to the entrance door. H) ELIAS,JAMES and PHIL are glancing at the dog. The dog starts to howl. ELIAS motions to JAMES and PHIL to grab the dog. ELIAS,JAMES and PHIL push the reluctant DOG towards the toilet. They put it in the bath tub and start to wash it while the DOG HOWLS. I) ELIAS inspects the carpet in the lounge area. It's clean. He moves the sofa and the carpet under it is filthy. There's a couple of small boxes as well. ELIAS grabs one. It's a packet of condoms. He flings it in JAMES'S face. J) VIEW ON ELIAS,JAMES and PHIL as they put various useless objects in bin bags and then carry the bin bags down the stairs. K) VIEW ON JAMES as he MOPS the kitchen floor. PHIL walks by and leaves dirty foot prints on the floor that JAMES has just mopped. JAMES starts to scream and attacks PHIL with the mop. L) ELIAS is on a step ladder trying to clear the spiders webs off the lamps. The song stops for a second. ELIAS (cont'd) (to James and Phil grabbing a big spider's web) This is worse than fucking Indiana Jones in the Well of the Souls!!! The song starts again. M) JAMES is in his room putting porn magazines in a bin bag. N) PHIL is washing plates. O) ELIAS is polishing door handles. P) JAMES is making his bed. Q) VIEW ON ELIAS,JAMES and PHIL as they carry more bin bags down the stairs. END OF SONG. R) ELIAS,JAMES and PHIL stand in the lounge exchanging glances. The staff house is clean at last!! INT. ELIAS'S ROOM-NIGHT ELIAS checks himself in the mirror. He looks stressed. He's dressed for his date with ELAINE. He takes off his jacket and puts on a different one. He checks himself in the mirror again. INT. STAFF HOUSE-LOUNGE - CONTINUOUS JAMES and PHIL are sitting in the lounge watching TV. ELIAS crosses the lounge on his way out. JAMES (sarcastically) Oh Elaine! I want you to be the mother of my children. Will you marry me? ELIAS Fuck off! PHIL Don't forget the condoms!! ELIAS Don't forget to keep the widow and her five orphans warm tonight!! EXT. THE STREET OUTSIDE THE "PEAHEN PUB"-NIGHT ELIAS is waiting outside the peahen pub. He checks his watch. He looks nervous. He glances around and checks his watch once again. He looks to his left. ELIAS'S POV: ELAINE,JANE and a MAN turn around the corner and walk towards him. ELAINE is dressed casually,while JANE is dressed and looks like a sex bomb. ELAINE (big smile) Hi! ELIAS (big smile) Hi! ELAINE I believe you've already met Jane. JANE (love struck) Hi Elias! ELIAS Hi. ELAINE ...and this is David...my other half. ELIAS'S smile is wiped off his face. He tries hard to hide his disappointment,but it definitely shows on his face. DAVID Hi Elias. ELIAS (a bitter smile) Hi David. INT. THE PEAHEN PUB-NIGHT ELIAS,ELAINE,JANE and DAVID enter the pub. DAVID Okay...I'm buying the first round. What can I get you? ELAINE A bailey's with ice please. JANE I'll have the same please. ELIAS A pint of lager. DAVID walks to the bar while ELIAS,ELAINE and JANE take their seats around a table. There's an uncomfortable silence for a while. JANE So...Elias...you're Greek,right? ELIAS Right. JANE How old are you,if I may ask? ELIAS Thirty times the earth around the sun. JANE (sounding very stupid) How many years is that? ELAINE (sarcastically) I believe it's thirty years Jane!! JANE Really? You look younger! ELAINE It must be the nutella! JANE They say that Greek men are the most handsome men in the world! I believe that's true......I like that dimple on your chin! ELIAS You wouldn't believe how hard it is to shave it! JANE Greece is a lovely country. I don't understand why you left,to come here. ELIAS (glancing at Elaine sitting across him) I thought that my other half might be here,but I was obviously wrong! JANE Greek girls must be very pretty. ELIAS Mm... ELAINE (sarcastically) ...and Turkish girls are the ugliest girls in the world! ELIAS I don't understand why you take it so personal. ELAINE Okay...let's say you meet a girl and you fancy her a lot, and after a while you find out that she's Turkish....how would you react? ELIAS Yeah!...and if my grandma had wheels she would be a bicycle! ELAINE No,seriously! ELIAS There's no seriousness to your question. It never happened before in the history of mankind and it never will. A Greek could never be attracted to a Turk and the other way round. It's simply impossible! DAVID brings the drinks and joins them at the table. He lights a cigarette and offers ELIAS one. ELIAS nods no. DAVID Amazing! A Greek that doesn't smoke! It's like a Scottish man that doesn't drink whiskey!....so how do you like England so far? ELIAS It's not bad. DAVID Correct! The problem with England is that everything is just not bad but nothing is good......how do you like your job? ELIAS I just do it. DAVID Me too....I just do it...and by the way I've been sitting on my ass all day at the office and last thing I wanna do is come here and sit in a chair..... (getting up) Elaine come on!....let's go to the dance floor. ELAINE I'm not in the mood for dancing. Later maybe. JANE Elias,would you like to dance? ELIAS I don't like dancing in pubs. DAVID Well Jane,let's go together and let Elaine and Elias here get a nice deep vein thrombosis! DAVID and JANE walk to the dance floor,leaving ELAINE and ELIAS alone. There's an uncomfortable silence for a while. ELAINE She's a very pretty girl...isn't she?......She likes you a lot you know...but she's very shy. ELIAS That wasn't fair on me. I thought it was going to be just you and me. ELAINE Look...I didn't mean to mislead you. ELIAS But you did! ELAINE I just wanted to help Jane. That's all. ELIAS You wanted to help Jane by misleading me? What did you achieve apart from making me feel like an idiot? ELAINE I didn't mean to make you feel like an idiot! ELIAS But you did! ELAINE Elias,what do you mean to say?.....that you fancy me or something? ELIAS (getting up) I mean to say that you're an absolute jerk! ELIAS walks off. ELAINE (turning her head) Elias?....Elias? An expression of disappointment on ELAINE'S face. INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-COCKTAIL BAR-NIGHT ELIAS is in the cocktail bar playing an original love theme at the mini grand piano. It's late and there's no customers around. There's only waiters clearing tables. ELIAS is an accomplished pianist. He stops playing and drinks some beer from the pint glass on the piano. ELIAS (drunk) Life?....life is the most horrible thing that can happen to someone. If it happens to you,you're fucked!....well it happened to me....why?....because God hates me...because I'm cursed! He starts to play the piano again. After a while he stops and drinks more beer. He starts playing again. JAMES comes from behind him and strikes a low key on the piano. JAMES All women are bitches! ELIAS How original! JAMES What happened? ELIAS Nothing! That's what happened. JAMES The woman of your dreams huh? At least the widow and her five orphans never give me any grief...Come on...get up..let's go. ELIAS (drunk) Question!...Question! Why do all the girls that I like happen to be someone else's girlfriends? JAMES It happens to me all the time. Welcome to the club of the cursed. Come on...get up....it's late. INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-CORRIDOR-DAY ELIAS knocks on a door. He's holding a tray with a coffee pot and a coffee cup in it. ELIAS Hello...room service. MR RUFFIANELLI opens the door. MR RUFFIANELLI Hi...come in. ELIAS gets in the room. MR RUFFIANELLI closes the door. ELIAS Where would you like me to leave the tray? MR RUFFIANELLI Over there,on the table. ELIAS walks toward the table and while bending carefully to leave the tray on the table MR RUFFIANELLI feels ELIAS'S bum. ELIAS (turning around) Excuse me!!!.....Hello!!! MR RUFFIANELLI (smiling) Oh,it's not what you think. I'm straighter than a straight line can be. Nice bum! Muscular...tight...exactly what I'm looking for! ELIAS (upset) Men touching my ass,is not what I'M looking for sir! MR RUFFIANELLI You don't understand. Do you know who I am? ELIAS You're someone who is looking forward to finding out the secrets of the after life! MR RUFFIANELLI My name is Ruffianelli. I'm one of the best directors in the world. MR RUFFIANELLI gives ELIAS his business card. MR RUFFIANELLI Have you seen a movie called "the bigger the better?" ELIAS No! MR RUFFIANELLI "Deeper and deeper?" ELIAS No! MR RUFFIANELLI Anyway...I made these movies and I'll pay you ten thousand dollars to star in my next film. ELIAS Only ten thousand dollars? I'm not that cheap! MR RUFFIANELLI Well I need to check you first.....the most important thing in our business is being able to hold your erection for a long time! ELIAS Aaaahh!! Now I understand what sort of films you make. Well...no..I'm not interested. I'd rather become a grave digger! MR RUFFIANELLI What's the problem? Are you a faggot? You don't like shagging women? ELIAS (upset) Excuse me? I'm straighter than a straight line can be,and by the way this is the biggest insult you could ever insult a Greek with. (thinks for a second) NO!! This is the second best insult you could ever insult a Greek with. MR RUFFIANELLI (sarcastically) Really?....and what's the first best insult you could ever insult a Greek with? ELIAS ....to say that the Greeks look like the Turks!! MR RUFFIANELLI (thinks for a second) Hm!! I've been to Turkey last year and I have to admit that I've seen many guys looking like you. ELIAS (upset-glancing at the empty coffee cup on the tray) I think that your coffee cup needs some polishing!.......the Cecil way!! INT. STAFF HOUSE-LOUNGE-DAY ELIAS is sitting in the sofa watching TV,spooning out nutella and talking to his mother on his mobile phone which is on speaker mode. ELIAS (fed up) No mum I haven't lost weight...I'm fine. MOTHER (O.S.) You have to let me come and cook for you. ELIAS (sarcastically) Okay mum!...wait a second...I'll beam you up.....okay mum I have to go....I'll speak to you later. MOTHER Dress warm and stay away from English girls...they're dirty. Only Greek girls are good!! ELIAS Okay mum,I'll dress warm and stay away from English girls....good bye! ELIAS is glancing at the empty jar of nutella. EXT. ICELAND SUPER MARKET-DAY VIEW ON ELIAS as he enters the super market. INT. ICELAND SUPER MARKET-DAY ELIAS enters the super market. ELAINE sees him from a distance and rushes toward him. ELAINE Elias....hi! ELIAS doesn't answer. He grabs a basket and starts to cross a corridor. ELAINE is following him. ELAINE You're not even going to greet me? You're just going to give me the cold shoulder? Are you gonna let me apologize at least? ELIAS I don't want and I don't need your apology. I just wanna do my shopping and go. ELIAS stops in front of the shelf where the nutellas are kept. ELAINE (starts to put nutellas in Elias's basket) Look...I didn't mean to mislead you. I just wanted to help Jane cause she's very shy. Anyway there's so many things about me that you don't know,that if you only knew you would hate me. ELIAS (taking the nutellas out of his basket) I already know,everything I need to know about you. ELAINE (putting the nutellas back in his basket) It doesn't have to be this way you know!....we can be friends. ELIAS (putting the nutellas back on the shelf) I don't need no friends and I don't need the fucking nutellas.....all right? ELAINE What?....No nutellas today? ELIAS (angry) NO! ELAINE How about some strawberry jam? ELIAS continues to walk down the corridor. ELAINE doesn't follow him. ELIAS sees JANE and walks to her. ELAINE is glancing at them from a distance. ELIAS (very warm and inviting) Hi Jane. JANE (love struck) Hi Elias. How are you?......What happened the other day? Why did you leave? ELIAS I just had a terrible headache. That's all......but I would really love to make it up to you. What are you doing tomorrow? JANE Nothing really. ELIAS Would you like to go dancing with me? JANE Oh yes..I'd love to! ELIAS Would you like to make a note of my phone number? JANE (taking a pen out of her pocket and writing on her skin) Yes! Certainly! ELIAS Okay it's..08977865744. I shall see you tomorrow okay? JANE Okay! ELIAS gives JANE a very warm kiss in the mouth and walks off. ELAINE has been watching the whole scene. JANE rushes to ELAINE. JANE He kissed me! He really kissed me. He's in love with me. ELAINE Don't fool yourself Jane. He doesn't fancy you...He's just playing with you. JANE Why do you say that? ELAINE Because I know that he fancies me and he's just trying to make me feel jealous. JANE Elaine what are you talking about? You're so pathetic.....I think that you fancy him and you're just jealous because he kissed me and asked me out. ELAINE Jane,first of all I've got a boyfriend and second it's all your fault! JANE What do you mean,it's all my fault? ELAINE walks off and rushes toward ELIAS who is exiting the super market. EXT. ICELAND SUPER MARKET-DAY ELIAS exits the super market and ELAINE follows him ELAINE That's not fair on her. I won't let you play with her heart. She's my friend and I care about her. ELIAS (stopping) Excuse me? ELAINE Elias you can't make me feel jealous,simply because I've got a boyfriend and I love him. ELIAS You think too much of yourself...don't you? Jane is a gorgeous girl. What makes you think that I kissed her and asked her out because I wanted to make you feel jealous? I kissed her because I wanted to kiss her and I asked her out because I wanted to ask her out...okay? ELIAS walks off. ELAINE looks confused. INT. STAFF HOUSE-DAY ELIAS comes down the stairs half awake,half asleep. He crosses the lounge toward the kitchen. PHIL is sitting in the lounge watching TV. PHIL Morning. ELIAS Mmm! ELIAS gets in the kitchen and opens a kitchen cupboard. ELIAS (glancing at the empty cupboard) Oh shit....I've run out of nutellas. He opens another cupboard and then another. There's no jars of chocolate spread anywhere. ELIAS Oh Jesus!...I would sell my soul to satan...I would kill a man for a jar of nutella right now! ELIAS crosses to the lounge. ELIAS (to Phil) Have you had any of my nutellas? PHIL I don't eat that shit. I prefer marmite. ELIAS Marmite? What is marmite? PHIL It's something like chocolate spread...only it's far more nutritious. I've got some in the fridge...try it...spoon it out...it's delicious. ELIAS Marmite...we don't have marmite in Greece. PHIL You don't have marmite in Greece because you're fucking peasants. ELIAS Mmm... ELIAS crosses to the kitchen and opens the fridge. He takes out a jar of marmite and studies it. He opens the lid,takes a spoon and spoons marmite out. He puts it in his mouth. ELIAS looks straight into the camera. All of a sudden the half awake,half asleep expression is wiped off his face. Now he's a man on the verge of death....his eyes wide open...his face swollen. He rushes to the sink...turns on the tap and starts to drink water like a maniac. The DOG enters the kitchen and starts to whimper. ELIAS opens the fridge,takes out a bottle of coke and starts to drink it like a maniac. After the coke he starts to eat a yogurt and then he pukes all over the dog which whimpers even more. ELIAS RUSHES TO THE LOUNGE and ATTACKS PHIL grabbing him by the neck. PHIL Hey..hey!! Are you crazy or something? ELIAS (furious) This is going to be the last day of your life you sick motherfucker...you useless English piece of shit!! INT. BATCHWOOD NIGHT CLUB-NIGHT A CROWDED NIGHTCLUB. VIEW ON JAMES as he approaches a beautiful girl. JAMES Hey baby...ask me! GIRL A Ask you what? JAMES Ask me what's the best thing ever happened in my life. GIRL A What's the best thing ever happened in your life? JAMES The first time I saw you,twenty seconds ago. GIRL A Have you ever had a euthanasia session? JAMES No! GIRL A I suggest you have one as soon as possible! The GIRL turns her back on him. VIEW ON PHIL as he approaches a girl. PHIL Hi baby...are you looking for a slave?....cause if you do,I'm always available. GIRL B No thank you...I'm not that desperate!! VIEW ON ELIAS and JANE as they're dirty dancing,body to body. ELAINE and DAVID are also dancing a little distance away. DAVID (to Elaine,glancing at Elias and Jane) Look at them!! They can't take their hands off each other. By the end of the night it will take a surgical operation to separate them. You certainly did a good job. ELAINE (quiet upset) Mmm! DAVID (to Elias and Jane) If you keep on like that, you're going to evaporate by the end of the night. DAVID leaves ELAINE,takes JANE'S hand and starts to dance with her. ELIAS and ELAINE glance at each other motionless while all the people around them dance. The dance music stops and a love song starts. ELIAS and ELAINE are both hesitant but ELIAS makes the first move,takes ELAINE's hand and they start to dance. ELAINE I hope you're not playing with her heart. ELIAS Is that your major concern?....because I think that you're living a lie. ELAINE Jane is not an one night stand girl. ELIAS I didn't say so....she actually invited me to her house to spend the night. ELAINE (upset) Elias...she's drunk. She doesn't know what she's doing. She invited you to her house on your first date and you're just going to say yes? ELIAS First of all it's my second date with her in case you forgot the first one and second why should I say no? It's just sex....it's not something bad like taking drugs or something. ELAINE walks off looking upset. ELIAS smiles softly glancing at ELAINE as she's walking away. It's pretty obvious that ELAINE has feelings for ELIAS and ELIAS knows that. INT. JANE'S ROOM-NIGHT ELIAS is in bed with JANE. JANE is asleep. ELIAS is glancing at blank space lost in his thoughts. He certainly looks and feels guilty. He gets off the bed quietly,puts on his clothes and walks off,turning around for a second to glance at JANE. INT. STAFF HOUSE-LOUNGE-DAY ELIAS is sitting in the sofa watching TV. His mobile phone rings. We can see the name "JANE" on the phone's display. ELIAS glances at the mobile phone,shakes his head looking very confused,but doesn't answer the phone. EXT. VERULAMIUM PARK-DAY ELIAS is walking in the park. It's a cloudy day matching ELIAS's mood. ELIAS glances at a couple kissing. He keeps on walking. He's almost lost in his own world. His mobile phone rings. He takes it out of his pocket and looks at it. We can see the name "JANE" on the phone's display. ELIAS puts his phone back into his pocket without answering it. EXT. SAINT ALBANS CITY CENTRE-DAY ELIAS is walking in the city centre. VIEW ON THREE TEENAGERS who have surrounded a helpless pigeon and one of them is about to kick it. ELIAS (O.S.) (angry) Don't even think about it. TEENAGER 1 (having stopped his kick) Mind your own business you arsehole! ELIAS (moving close to teenager 1) I'm going to forgive you for calling me an arsehole....but if you dare kick that pigeon,something very bad is gonna happen to you. TEENAGER 1 Yeah?...like what? ELIAS You're going to find out first hand how expensive reconstruction surgery is nowadays. TEENAGER 2 (pulling away teenager 1) Come on man...let's go...it's not worth it. TEENAGER 3 Yeah!...let's go. The three teenagers start to walk away. TEENAGER 1 (shouting) Go back to your country Jose!! ELIAS My name is not Jose! (mimicking scarface) My name is Antonio Montana! ELIAS bends down over the pigeon. ELIAS Hey buddy!! How you doing?...what happened to you? You broke your wings?...you can't fly?.....You know what?....you remind me of someone I know. Where is your friends?...you have no one to help you?....Come on let's go.....I'll take you home. INT. STAFF HOUSE-LOUNGE-NIGHT ELIAS is sitting in the sofa spooning out nutella and watching TV. The pigeon sits right next to him in the sofa watching TV as well! ELIAS lowers a spoonful of nutella in front of the pigeon,but the pigeon ignores it. ELIAS What?....are you on a diet or something? JAMES enters the lounge. JAMES (sarcastically) Well..well..well..look at that. You finally found yourself an English bird...and I bet she's exactly your type! She doesn't drink...she doesn't smoke... ELIAS (like a robot,still glancing at the TV) Fuck off! JAMES Yes...I'm going to fuck off but before I do so I have to remind you that you haven't been to work for the last three days and they're going to sack you. ELIAS I don't care....I'm leaving anyway. JAMES And where are you going if I may ask? ELIAS Back to Greece. I'll be better off there. JAMES Mm!...incorrigibly romantic like a love struck teenager. It's not worth it man!...it's not worth ruining you life for a silly bitch. You had dreams when you first came in this country. What happened to those dreams? JAMES walks off. ELIAS looks confused. EXT. SAINT ALBANS CITY CENTRE-DAY VIEW ON ELIAS as he enters a Travel Agency shop. INT. TRAVEL AGENCY-DAY VIEW ON ELIAS as he enters the shop. There's a lady sitting behind a desk. LADY Hello...how may I help you? ELIAS Yes...umm...I'm looking to buy a flight ticket to Athens. LADY Certainly....single or return? ELIAS (thinking for a second) Single....definitely single. EXT. SAINT ALBANS CITY CENTRE-DAY(CONTINUOUS) ELIAS is walking in the city centre. All of a sudden he stops. He looks surprised but what he sees a little distance away. ELIAS'S POV: DAVID(ELAINE'S boyfriend) kissing passionately some girl. ELIAS (to himself) Well it seems that Elaine's other half has many other halves.....the moment needs to be captured. ELIAS takes his mobile phone out of his pocket and takes them a picture while they kiss. INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-CORRIDOR-DAY ELIAS and JAMES are walking in a hotel corridor. ELIAS looks happy. JAMES Yesterday you was looking like a man on the verge of committing suicide and today you look like someone who won the lottery or something.....what happened?...what made you change your mind? ELIAS I won the lottery. JAMES Yeah right! The millionaire who found true meaning in his life doing portering......come on what happened? ELIAS God's got my friend...God's got. That's what happened. JAMES So you're staying? ELIAS Of course I am. Why would I wanna leave when it all starts now! JAMES What starts now? ELIAS The fun amigo...the fun. INT. ICELAND SUPER MARKET-DAY VIEW ON ELIAS as he enters the super market,takes a basket and starts to cross a corridor. ELIAS sees ELAINE stuffing a shelf and walks to her. ELAINE is in tears. ELIAS Are you all right? ELAINE doesn't answer. She keeps on stuffing the shelf with tears in her eyes. ELIAS shrugs and walks off. He sees JANE and walks to her. ELIAS Hi Jane. JANE (surprised) Elias what happened to you? I've been trying to call you but you've not been answering your phone!! ELIAS Jane,what happened to Elaine? Why is she crying? JANE Someone sent her a picture message of her boyfriend kissing another girl. ELIAS Hm..it makes me wonder who that was. JANE So why didn't you call me? ELIAS I had some problems with my mobile phone...I need to change it or something.....I'll speak to you later okay? ELIAS leaves JANE and walks to ELAINE who is still stuffing a shelf with tears in her eyes. ELIAS stands next to her for a moment,not saying anything and then.... ELIAS In case you're wondering who is the bastard that sent you the picture message ....I have to admit it was me. ELAINE turns her head and glances at him. ELIAS (off her expression) What?....don't look at me this way. You have no right. I didn't do anything wrong. I just protected you from a love rat. Would you rather keep on being with him..knowing nothing about the things he was doing behind your back?....You called him your other half...he didn't deserve it....we all get to kiss frogs before we get to kiss the prince or the princess...it's not the end of the world.......Anyway I'm not expecting you to thank me,but I want you to know something. When this is all over for you....when you have no more tears to cry for that guy....I want you to know that I'll be there for you...because there's nothing else in my life I want more....there's nothing else in my life I ever wanted or I'll ever want more than being with you. ELAINE How about Jane? ELIAS You know about Jane...I don't need to tell you. ELIAS walks off. ELAINE looks very confused. INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-STAFF CANTEEN-DAY ELIAS,JAMES and PHIL are in the staff canteen,eating. PHIL is reading a magazine while eating. PHIL Unbelievable man...unbelievable. The grand daughter of Aristotles Onassis,Athina,gets $110 million dollars per year in bank interest...just in fucking bank interest. What sort of meaning can someone's existence have when they get $110 million dollars a year in bank interest alone!! Her life must be meaningless. JAMES (mimicking playing the air violin-sarcastically girl's voice) Oh I get $110 million dollars a year in bank interest but my life is so boring,so meaningless...I wish I was poor. (changing tone of voice) Are you kidding me man? Are you sick or something? Is there anything more important than money? I wish I had that sort of money and believe you me,I would be the happiest man in the world and my life would be full of meaning. ELIAS (to James) So what would you do if you were rich? JAMES Well first things first!! I would hire six bitches to suck my dick on a 24 hour basis the Hugh Heffner style. ELIAS And then? JAMES I would buy the biggest yacht in the world and travel all around the planet...with my six bitches of course...NO!!....make them twelve! ELIAS And then? JAMES I would die a happy man,at old age,in my bed,with an erected penis and a bitch's tits for a pillow. ELIAS Wow!! What a meaningful life. A real contribution in the history of man kind. JAMES Why?...what's your definition of a meaningful life? Getting married...having children...working like a slave to bring them up...only to find out that your teenager daughter is fucking everybody in the neighborhood and your teenager son is gay? Well no thank you! Not me!...so what would you do if you were rich? ELIAS Well first things first! I would fill a big room up with chocolate cakes....and .... The GENERAL MANAGER enters the staff canteen and interrupts them. GENERAL MANAGER Elias...I need your help tonight. ELIAS What can I do for you Mr A? GENERAL MANAGER The pianist phoned sick and we need someone to play the piano tonight...can you do it? ELIAS Yeah...why not?...I can carry a tune...if the money is good. INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-COCKTAIL BAR-NIGHT ELIAS is playing the piano in the cocktail bar. He's playing an original love theme. INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-RECEPTION AREA-NIGHT ELAINE enters the hotel and walks to reception. ELAINE (to receptionist) Excuse me....could you please tell me if Elias is working tonight? RECEPTIONIST Yes..he's in the cocktail bar...straight through and turn right. ELAINE Thank you. INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-COCKTAIL BAR-NIGHT ELAINE enters the cocktail bar. She glances around. There's quite a few people sitting in the leather sofas and arm chairs having their drinks,while waiters come and go. ELAINE looks a little confused glancing around her,looking for ELIAS. Suddenly she realizes that ELIAS is actually playing the piano. She looks surprised. A soft smile on her face. She walks to a sofa a little distance behind ELIAS and takes her seat. A waitress walks to her. WAITRESS Hello. ELAINE I'll have a large bailey's with ice please. VIEW ON ELIAS for a long moment as he plays the original love theme of the movie. MR RUFFIANELLI enters the cocktail bar. He sees ELAINE sitting alone,walks to her and takes his seat next to her. MR RUFFIANELLI Hello...Can I buy you a drink? ELAINE (smiling) No thank you...I've already ordered one. ELIAS stops playing the piano and glances around him stretching his muscles. Suddenly he realizes that ELAINE is sitting behind him and he's taken by surprise. He gets up and walks to her. ELIAS (to Mr Ruffianelli) No she's not interested in your movies and she doesn't want to become an "actress". Why don't you check the lady over there? MR RUFFIANELLI glances to his left,where he sees an old lady sitting alone in a sofa and then he glances back at ELIAS with an "are you kidding me?" Expression on his face. ELIAS The old chicken makes the best soup!! MR RUFFIANELLI The old chicken makes the best soup? ELIAS It's a Greek saying....meaning that old women are better in.....you know...you know.... ELIAS motions to him to get up and leave. MR RUFFIANELLI gets up and leaves. ELIAS sits next to ELAINE. ELAINE Who was that? ELIAS One hell of a sick guy!....anyway...what are you doing here? ELAINE What am I doing here? (pointing with her finger at the piano) What are you doing there? I thought you were a porter. ELIAS Well...the pianist phoned sick...and there was no alternative. ELAINE That piece of music that you were playing...I've never heard it before. ELIAS You've never heard it before because it's mine. It's called "everything yours". I wrote it a couple of weeks ago. ELAINE "Everything yours?" ELIAS Yeah...it's about a woman who pissed me off real bad.....the woman of my dreams actually....the woman who I'd like to give everything I have. That's why I called it..."Everything yours" ELAINE Do I know that woman? EXT. SAINT ALBANS VERULAMIUM PARK-NIGHT ELAINE and ELIAS are walking in the park. ELIAS So...does it still hurt you? ELAINE I just don't understand that sort of behavior. What hurt me was his insincerity...not the fact that he was seeing someone else behind my back. I mean...I'd rather he had told me straight in my face. ELIAS Did you love him? ELAINE It was my first time away from home...alone in a foreign country...I was crying all the time when I first came here....I just needed someone. ELIAS Well as I said you'll have to kiss many frogs before you get to kiss the prince. ELAINE stops walking. ELIAS stops too. ELAINE Are you my prince? ELIAS I need to be given a chance to prove it. ELAINE moves very close to him,making herself ready to be kissed. ELAINE Am I your princess? ELIAS You need to be given a chance to prove it. ELAINE Are you gonna give me the chance? ELIAS Definitely!....absolutely! They kiss passionately. They stop. ELIAS There's something very important you need to know about me. ELAINE What? ELIAS I've got a hairy chest and a hairy back and I don't intend to shave them! ELAINE Hm!...there's something very important you need to know about me as well! ELIAS What? ELAINE I've got smelly feet! I've tried everything....nothing worked. ELIAS Hm!...okay! Fair enough! We'll make a nice couple. I/E. LONDON AND UK SITES-DAY/NIGHT(MONTAGE) A MONTAGE of scenes begins with ELIAS and ELAINE FROLICKING in various London sites and their love building up. An original love song plays all through the montage. A) ELIAS and ELAINE in TRAFALGAR SQUARE. ELAINE is sitting in the lap of a Lion's statue. ELIAS takes her a picture. ELAINE is feeding pigeons. One of them lands on her head. ELIAS laughs. B) LEICESTER SQUARE...they're eating ice cream cones. C) LONDON CHINA TOWN....they're having lunch. D) WESTMINSTER...ELIAS and ELAINE kissing under the BIG BEN. E) LONDON AQUARIUM. F) MADAM TUSSOD'S. ELAINE poses next to the statue of the Queen Of England. G) NOTTING HILL...ELIAS and ELAINE checking stuff in the street market. H) BUCKINGHAM PALACE. I) LONDON EYE..ELIAS and ELAINE are in a capsule,kissing. J) ELIAS and ELAINE, on the top of an open bus in PICADDILLY CIRCUS. K) ELIAS and ELAINE kissing in the LONDON ZOO. L) ELIAS and ELAINE on a THAMES CRUISE SHIP. M) In a LONDON THEATRE watching a show. N) ELIAS and ELAINE watching street acrobats in COVENT GARDEN. O) ELIAS and ELAINE kissing on the BRIGHTON PIER. THE SONG FINISHES. EXT. BRIGHTON PIER-SUNSET ELIAS and ELAINE are sitting on the BRIGHTON PIER glancing at the sun going down. It's a wonderful sunset. ELIAS You never told me anything about your parents. ELAINE You wouldn't want to know about my parents. ELIAS Why? Did you fall out with them? ELAINE My father is a very rich man who spent his whole life trying to find ways to get even richer... ELIAS Hm...I understand....you're the neglected princess. ELAINE Sort of...it just got too much...I mean I couldn't put up with the things that were going on in my house. ELIAS What things? ELAINE All those stupid parties that my father was throwing,trying to fix me up with fatherships. ELIAS What is a fathership? ELAINE A fathership is a useless man who is big nothing away from his father....I'd rather work in a super market for the rest of my life than being with a fathership. ELIAS So you don't speak to your parents? ELAINE Sometimes. ELIAS Hm...you've got an interesting story. The rich girl that runs away from home to work in a super market in England because she doesn't like rich boys. ELAINE It's not exactly like that. There's so much more to it. I mean, one day my father told me "Elaine you're useless, you're nothing away from me, you don't even know how much a loaf of bread is" and I said "I don't know how much a loaf of bread is because you never sent me to get one"......I mean.....here....now....this is the first time that I'm living the real life. It was scary in the beginning but now I know...I know how to survive away from them. ELIAS Hm....but you know one day,I'll have to meet your parents. ELAINE Why? ELIAS Because you're the kind of girl a man wants to go all the way through with. ELAINE What's that mean? ELIAS It means that I wanna live the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me? ELAINE (very surprised) We've only been dating for the last two weeks and you wanna marry me? ELIAS It seems to me that I've known you for a lifetime. So what's your answer? ELAINE Elias,there's so many things about me you don't know! ELIAS I know everything I need to know about you. You're the best thing ever happened to me...so...our first child is going to be a stunning girl and we'll name her Nicole after my father......our second child is going to be a Greek God and we'll name him....Apollo or something....or...what's your father's name by the way? ELAINE (careless) Kemal. ELIAS (surprised and annoyed) Kemal is a Turkish name!! ELAINE (trying to cover things up) No...no it's....it's ...it's not a Turkish name! It's a very popular Arabic name. My father became a Muslim five years ago. His name was...um...John before he became a Muslim. ELIAS Anyway,I'm not gonna name my son Kemal. That's for sure. Kemal is the most hated Turkish name in Greece....something like Judas Iscariot you know. Even worse actually. What's your father's last name by the way? ELAINE (very confused and embarrassed) My father's last name?...um...um....Colton!..that's my father's last name...Colton...Kemal Colton...he used to be John Colton but he became a Muslim and now he's Kemal Colton. I mean it sounds better right? Kemal Colton...Colton Kemal...Kemal Colton... ELIAS glances at her in amazement. He's certainly confused. He feels that ELAINE is trying to hide something. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE ICELAND SUPERMARKET-DAY ELAINE is walking on the pavement. A black BMW with dark windows is following her. ELAINE realizes that. She stops. The car stops too. ELAINE (upset) Look!!....you keep on following me...I'll call the police. The driver's window opens. In the driver's seat there's a man dressed in a black suit. He extends his hand and gives ELAINE a piece of paper. ELAINE What?...Is this some sort of a new method of advertising stuff? ELAINE reads what's on that piece of paper. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE MR OZTURK'S HOUSE IN LONDON-NIGHT The black BMW stops outside a luxurious house. The driver gets out and opens the rear door. ELAINE gets out of the car and walks toward the entrance of the house. INT. MR OZTURK'S HOUSE IN LONDON-NIGHT ELAINE,MR OZTURK and MRS OZTURK are sitting around a table having dinner. MR OZTURK (while eating) Six months...six months..not a phone call...not a letter..not a card...nothing...as if we've been the worst parents in the world to you......So what are you gonna do? Work in a stupid super market for the rest of your life,stuffing shelves? Is that what you want? ELAINE Dad...what I want never really mattered to you. It's always what you want of me that matters to you. You thought that I could never survive on my own...but I did...and now I know how to survive on my own and I'm not scared. MRS OZTURK Elaine you're thirty years old. When are you going to get married? When are you going to have children? You're getting old! Only teenagers work in super markets. ELAINE Well..I feel like a teenager anyway..and apart from that I met someone...someone who means a lot to me. MR OZTURK What is he doing? Stuffing super market shelves? ELAINE At least he doesn't depend on his father to get him a driving licence!! MR OZTURK What are you talking about? ELAINE I'm talking about all those useless people that you've been trying to fix me up with! All those fatherships! That's what I'm talking about....once you asked me what makes me so much different from them....I think you know the answer now! INT. ICELAND SUPER MARKET-DAY VIEW ON ELIAS as he approaches JANE who is stuffing shelves. ELIAS Hi Jane...is Elaine around? JANE She was supposed to be working but she took the day off. Something unexpected happened to her..that's what she said. ELIAS Hm!...strange..she didn't tell me anything about it. JANE It's not the only thing she never told you about! ELIAS What do you mean? JANE Have you ever asked Elaine what her last name is? ELIAS Why? JANE Her last name is Ozturk. She might be having an American accent but her parents are Turks. ELIAS (smiling-not believing it) Jane I know that I hurt you..and I do apologize but you're not gonna gain anything by saying stupid things about Elaine..I just feel sorry for you. ELIAS walks off. INT. GREEK RESTAURANT-NIGHT ELIAS and ELAINE have just finished their dinner in a Greek restaurant. ELAINE (a little drunk) Amazing! I think that Greek food is going to be my favorite from now on. ELIAS Well...it's been my favorite for the last thirty years...so no change for me. The owner of the Greek restaurant who looks a little "off" puts a plate full of "Turkish" delights on their table. ELAINE Hm!! Turkish delights! OWNER (very angry) NO!! These are not Turkish delights! These are Greek delights! ELAINE (surprised) Okay!! These are Greek Turkish delights! OWNER NO!! These are Greek delights! ELIAS Okay...thank you very much. The OWNER leaves. ELAINE bursts into laughter. ELIAS Are you crazy or something? You don't call Turkish delights,Turkish delights in a Greek restaurant. That guy could kill you. ELAINE (drunk-laughing) Why do the Greeks hate everything about Turkey? ELIAS It's a long story! The waiter brings the bill. ELAINE takes her wallet out. ELIAS too. ELAINE I'm paying. ELIAS A Greek man never lets a woman pay...so shut up..I'm paying. ELAINE No you shut up...I'm paying. ELAINE gives the WAITER her credit card and he walks off. ELIAS (getting up) You're insulting me...okay I'm going to the toilet. I'll be back. ELIAS goes to the WAITER. ELIAS (to the waiter) Excuse me...Can I have her credit card?...I'll give you mine. ELIAS gives him his credit card and takes ELAINE'S into his hands. He reads the name on the card and his expression changes to the expression of a man who has just seen a ghost. ELIAS walks back to the table where ELAINE is sitting.. ELAINE Are you all right? You look sick! ELIAS You know what?...I always knew that I'm cursed. I always knew that God hates me...but not that much! This is unbelievable...I must be dreaming...it can't be true...once in my miserable life I meet the right woman and .... ELIAS throws her credit card on the table. ELIAS (CONT'D) ...her last name is Ozturk!...Tell me...tell me that when your father became a Muslim he changed his last name as well...like..like Muhammad Ali did..right? ELAINE (very serious) Elias I was going to tell you anyway,sooner or later. My last name is Ozturk simply because my parents are Turks. I grew up in the United States....I feel like an American...but I can't lie about the place where I really come from! We HEAR a THUMP OFF SCREEN. ELAINE Great! I knew it wouldn't bother him at all! VIEW ON ELIAS who has collapsed on the floor having lost consciousness. INT. ELIAS'S BEDROOM-NIGHT ELIAS slowly gets up from his bed. He sits with his head in his hands. He looks lost and confused. His mobile phone rings. He takes it in his hand and glances at the display. We can see ELAINE'S name on the display. ELIAS keeps glancing at the display for a long moment without answering the phone. INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-FUNCTION ROOM-DAY ELIAS and JAMES are in a function room setting up a coffee table. JAMES So what? What difference does it make if her parents are Turks or Americans or Germans or whatever?...A woman is a woman. She's got lips...you kiss them. She's got tits...you milk them. She's got a cunt...you fuck it. All women are the same! ELIAS Shut up!...You don't understand. Elaine was the kind of woman I wanted to go all the way through with. She wasn't an one night stand. JAMES Okay..so why can't you go all the way through with her? ELIAS Because in the history of this planet,a Greek man and a Turkish woman or a Turkish man and a Greek woman never got any further from the action of raping! Do you understand now? I don't wanna go down in the Guiness book as the first Greek man ever to marry a Turkish woman! JANE What's wrong with that? You'll be in the Guiness book. You'll be famous. ELIAS You're a retard...you know that? ELIAS'S mobile phone rings. He takes it out of his pocket. It's ELAINE calling him again. JAMES Answer it..talk to her. ELIAS Fuck off...mind your own business. ELIAS walks off,putting his mobile phone back in his pocket. EXT. VERULAMIUM PARK-DAY ("Everything yours" music theme playing all through the scene) ELIAS is sitting near the lake with the wounded pigeon next to him. ELIAS looks lost and confused,gazing off at the wonderful sunset. A long moment passes by. ELIAS'S attention is caught by two flirting SWANS. There's couples passing by,kissing....families with their children. ELIAS looks an isolated and lonely figure. He gets up,bends down,grabs the pigeon and throws it in the air. The pigeon flies for a while but returns to ELIAS. ELIAS grabs it again and throws it in the air using even more strength. The pigeon again flies for a while,but returns to ELIAS. ELIAS grabs it again and throws it in the air,this time using all his strength. ELIAS (throwing the pigeon in the air-almost screaming with passion) FLYYYYYY!!!!!! The Pigeon flies away and this time doesn't return. VIEW ON ELIAS as he's glancing up. He's on the verge of tears...not for the pigeon of course,but because he feels so lonely. INT. ICELAND SUPER MARKET-DAY VIEW ON ELIAS as he approaches JANE who is pushing a big super market trolley. ELIAS Jane...is Elaine around? JANE She resigned two days ago...she's going back to the United States with her parents. ELIAS (shocked) What? ELIAS looks devastated. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE ELAINE'S HOUSE IN SAINT ALBANS-SUNSET ELIAS walks to the door and rings the bell. No answer. ELIAS rings the bell again. ELAINE opens the door. She's surprised to see ELIAS standing there. We can tell that she's been crying a lot recently by the way she looks,especially her swollen eyes. ELIAS May I come in? INT. ELAINE'S HOUSE-CONTINUOUS ELIAS enters the lounge area. ELAINE passes him by and goes to her bedroom. ELIAS follows her. INT. ELAINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS There's open suitcases lying around. ELAINE puts clothes in one of the suitcases. ELIAS (sad) So you're going back to the States? ELAINE doesn't answer...she keeps on putting clothes in the suitcases rather slowly. ELIAS You have to understand that it was a big shock for me......I mean what did you expect from me? Did you expect me to say never mind....it's not a big deal? It's a big deal unfortunately...simply because you're the kind of girl a man wants to go all the way through with...and that's what I wanted and I still want more than anything else. ELAINE turns around and glances at him on the verge of tears. ELIAS doesn't look at her. He's looking vaguely at the wall. ELIAS I remember the first time I saw you...that first time when you smiled at me...the most amazing smile I've ever seen in my life....I just couldn't get you off my mind.....you swept me off my feet...you really did....for the first time I believed that it was my destiny to come to this country...just to find you....you. ELIAS turns and looks ELAINE straight in the eye for the first time. ELIAS I'll be a fool to deny you. Why should I? I'm in heaven when I hold you in my arms...I'm in heaven when I look into your eyes. Why should I deny heaven?....There's no countries in heaven...there's no nations...no borders..no flags...it's just heaven...and that's what I want...and I hope you still want it too. ELIAS is on the verge of tears now. They kiss passionately. EXT. VERULAMIUM PARK-NIGHT ELIAS and ELAINE are walking in the park holding hands. They cross a small bridge over the lake. They stop in the middle. ELAINE So do you still believe that Turkish girls are the ugliest girls in the world?...moustaches.....sideburns. ..hairy armpits? ELIAS Well I think that I know first hand now that Turkish girls are absolutely stunning!....You know what? I've always been obsessed with Turkish belly dancers. Do you belly dance? ELAINE I grew up in the United States,not in a Turkish harem my darling! ELIAS Well I think you should take some lessons in belly dancing! ELAINE I think I've got more important things to do at the moment. I mean...I don't know how to tell my parents. ELIAS I've got the same problem,believe me. INT. MR OZTURK'S HOUSE IN LONDON-DINING ROOM-EVENING ELAINE,MR OZTURK and MRS OZTURK are sitting around a table. ELAINE Okay...the reason why I wanted to speak to you is because I've got something very important to tell you. MRS OZTURK Are you pregnant? ELAINE Not yet mum..not yet. I just wanted to tell you that I'm thirty years old and I believe that's the right time for me to settle down. I think that I found the right person and we're going to get married. All I want from you is to give me your blessing....nothing more. MR OZTURK You mean to say that you're gonna marry that guy who helps you stuff shelves in the super market? ELAINE Dad...he doesn't work in the super market. He's a porter in a hotel. MR OZTURK Ahhh!!!...even better right?..Look...I'll never let my daughter marry a bum...do you understand? ELAINE Dad...all I want is your blessing...not your permission. Apart from that the main issue here is not the job that this man is doing,but where he comes from....his nationality I mean. MR OZTURK What?...Is he English?...I don't like English people...they're arrogant. MRS OZTURK I don't like Italians and Spanish...they're violent! MR OZTURK I hope he's not french....they're love rats! MRS OZTURK I hope he's not German!....Last thing I want is a grandson that looks like Hitler. ELAINE Actually he's Greek...how about that? CAMERA HOLDS ON ELAINE while we hear two thumps. VIEW WIDENS to reveal that MR and MRS OZTURK have fainted. ELAINE Hm..not very excited about the Greek option either,right? INT. STAFF HOUSE-LOUNGE-DAY ELIAS is sitting in the sofa watching TV while talking to his mother on his mobile phone. ELIAS No mum...I haven't lost weight...I'm fine...trust me. ELIAS raises his right arm up,holding the mobile phone,literally ignoring his mother. He knows that she's gonna start saying the same old things. ELIAS nods yes,yes,yes,sarcastically. He doesn't listen to his mother but keeps on watching TV with his right arm raised up. MOTHER You should let me come and cook for you. English food is crap! They feed their cows with sheep and their sheep with cows. You'll be dead by the age of forty eating all that dog food every day. They don't even know what olive oil is! Goddamned Brits!...Goddamned Europeans. When the Greeks were building the Parthenon all the other Europeans were up in the trees with the monkeys eating bananas waiting to be evolved to human beings. You should let me come and cook for you Greek lamb! ELIAS brings his arm down and the mobile phone next to his ear. ELIAS Okay..mum...I've got something very important to tell you. I found the right girl and I'm going to marry her. MOTHER Is she rich? Is her father going to give you a house? ELIAS (grimaces funnily) Mum...I don't care if she's rich and I don't care if her father is going to give me a house or not. I'm in love with this girl and I'm going to marry her no matter what. MOTHER Where does she come from? ELIAS Good question...good question!!! MOTHER Is she Greek? ELIAS I don't think so!! She comes from a country which is on the east of Greece....very close to Greece. MOTHER (disappointed) Italy? ELIAS Italy is on the west of Greece mum...Turkey is on the east. She comes from Turkey. I know what you're gonna say but as they say love is blind...these things happen. We hear a THUMP off screen through the mobile phone. ELIAS Mum?...Mum?...are you still there?...Mum? The FATHER picks up the phone. FATHER (anxious) Elias?...Elias? What did you tell your mother? She passed out. Are you taking drugs? ELIAS Dad,I'm not taking drugs...I just told mum that I found the right girl and we're going to get married. FATHER Okay...well done son..well done...it was just about time. Is she English?...blond hair..blue eyes...big tits? ELIAS Not exactly! She's got black hair..black eyes...and no big tits really. She comes from Turkey but she's absolutely stunning...I mean you should see her...she's breathtaking...I almost passed out the first time I saw her....I thought that... We hear a THUMP off screen. ELIAS Dad?...Dad?....are you still there?...hellooooo? VIEW ON ELIAS'S PARENTS who have passed out. VIEW ON ELIAS as he grimaces,looking confused. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE MR OZTURK'S HOUSE IN LONDON-NIGHT ELIAS walks to the door and rings the bell. He's holding a big bouquet and a box. ELAINE opens the door. The bouquet obstructs her view and ELIAS'S too. They're both trying to see each other but the bouquet is in the middle. ELAINE grabs the bouquet rather pissed off. ELAINE You're five minutes late! My father hates people who are late in meetings...okay listen! Whatever my father tells you,you say yes,yes,yes. Don't even think about arguing with him. He's the kind of man who thinks he's always right. All you have to do is just agree with whatever he says. If he says one plus one equals three,you say.... (waiting for Elias's answer) ELIAS One plus one equals two. ELAINE (grimacing funnily) Wrong answer!! You say one plus one equals three because he said so! ELIAS I've got a feeling that this is not gonna work! INT. MR OZTURK'S HOUSE IN LONDON-LOUNGE-NIGHT ELIAS,ELAINE,MRS OZTURK and MR OZTURK are sitting around a coffee table. ELIAS and MRS OZTURK are eating chocolate cake. MR OZTURK is smoking a cigar. ELAINE looks nervous. There's an uncomfortable silence. ELIAS finishes his chocolate cake and puts the plate on the table. ELIAS is glancing at ELAINE'S piece of chocolate cake. ELAINE hasn't touched it at all. ELAINE notices ELIAS glancing at her piece of chocolate cake. ELAINE (fed up) Okay...go ahead...have it! (to her parents-smiling) You know Elias hasn't got a blood stream,he's got a sugar stream. I mean you should see his shopping bag. I've seen it and I couldn't believe it. He's like a Dracula feeding on chocolate! MRS OZTURK smiles,while MR OZTURK looks very strict and serious. ELIAS (eating cake) There's only one thing I like more than chocolate and this is the woman that sits next to me...and that's why I'm here...to ask for her hand. ELAINE (from the side of her mouth) And her piece of chocolate cake! MR OZTURK Can I ask you a question? Why do the Greeks hate the Turks so much? I mean why do the Greeks don't want Turkey to join the European Union? ELIAS May be, because there's no respect of the human rights in Turkey. MR OZTURK Turkey is a democracy...one of the biggest in the world! ELIAS The Turkish army is the only democracy in Turkey Mr Ozturk. Everybody on this planet know that the Turkish politicians have no power at all...it's the Turkish army that controls everything. Apart from that the word democracy is Greek and I know very well the meaning of it. MR OZTURK (sarcastically) Hm...a typical Greek who takes pride in the ancient Greek democracy where three quarters of the population were slaves with no right to vote...and the women too. ELIAS Well at least we made the start and there's no evolution of anything unless there's a start...and we made that start at a time when the rest of the population on this planet were up in the trees with monkeys,fighting for bananas,waiting to be evolved to human beings! MR OZTURK Hm...typical Greek taking pride in all sorts of stupid little things! ELIAS Well Mr Ozturk, I take pride in the fact that my ancestors built the Parthenon. Is there anything that your ancestors did that you take pride in? I mean what's the most popular monument in Turkey? I believe it's the SAINT SOFIA'S temple in Istanbul. Who built that temple? The Greeks did!....and it's really ironic that the Turks take pride in something that the Greeks built. I mean what sort of civilization is this? A barbaric civilization that takes pride in invading and capturing other civilizations's monuments and making postcards out of them and selling them! MR OZTURK Are you calling me a barbarian? ELAINE Okay that's enough!...we're not here to sort out the differences between Greece and Turkey. Let's change the subject. We can talk about other things...we're in England...we can talk about the weather and how horrible it is....we can talk about music and how horrible it's been after the Beetles...we can talk about movies... (to Elias) ...by the way my father has a huge DVD collection....I'm talking about thousands of DVDs ELIAS Really??...What's your favorite movie Mr Ozturk? MR OZTURK The Godfather...I've seen it over forty times. What's your favorite movie? ELIAS Well the Godfather is a great movie but "Midnight Express" is "theee" movie! I've watched it over a hundred times. I mean it's unbelievable....Amazing screenplay,perfect directing,shocking acting and the music...oh that music!...I even got the soundtrack on vinyl! Do you believe it? On vinyl! (he starts to hum the midnight express chase theme) Tu tu Tu tu TU tu Tu tu,tu Tu tu Tu tu.. ELIAS keeps on humming the Chase theme,not having noticed that MR OZTURK is glancing at him in a very angry manner. MRS OZTURK looks embarrassed. ELAINE too. ELAINE taps on ELIAS'S knee. ELAINE (from the side of her mouth-in despair) From all the movies ever made it had to be the "Midnight Express"!!! Why not "Indiana Jones" or the "Star wars"? Even the "Matrix" would do!! ELIAS (from the side of his mouth) I didn't like the Matrix. I couldn't understand what was going on. I walked out of the cinema half way through. ELAINE glances at ELIAS in an angry manner. INT. STAFF HOUSE-LOUNGE-DAY JAMES is in the lounge reading a tabloid newspaper. He uses his mobile phone to dial a number that's written on the newspaper. He's actually calling the SUN newspaper. NEWSPAPER JOURNALIST (sounding very bored) Hello the Sun newspaper,you're through to the Kiss and Tell department,how may I help you? JAMES I've got a very good story for you but I need at least two hundred thousand pounds to give you details. NEWSPAPER JOURNALIST (bored) Have you got a picture of the queen engaged in a lesbian act? JAMES Not really...but for the first time in history a Greek man and a Turkish woman are going to get married. The JOURNALIST hangs up on him. JAMES calls him again. NEWSPAPER JOURNALIST Hello the Sun news... JAMES (interrupting him) It's me again and I'm not kidding. NEWSPAPER JOURNALIST Look pal...if you tell me that Fidel Castro's son is going to marry the daughter of the president of the United States there's a chance that I might believe it. But when you tell me that a Greek man is going to marry a Turkish.... JAMES (interrupting him) I'll give you all the details you need....I'll give you names...I'll give you addresses...telephone numbers...everything...I'm not joking! VIEW ON the JOURNALIST who finds it hard to believe it. INT. STAFF HOUSE-TOILET-DAY JAMES enters the toilet. There's a "smell" in the air. An expression of disgust on JAMES'S face. We hear the toilet flush off screen. The door opens and ELIAS enters the main toilet room adjusting his pants. The smell is a hundred times more intense now. JAMES What's that? ELIAS What's what? JAMES (as if it's obvious) THAT!! ELIAS WHAT? JAMES THE FUCKING SMELL!! What did you eat man? ELIAS (adjusting his pants) That's Greek shit....what do you expect? Greek shit's got attitude,character,personality.... ..volume...and most important.. (walking out) ...the scent of it lingers on and on and on. UNFORGETTABLE! CAMERA HOLDS ON JAMES who still has an expression of disgust on his face. We hear ELIAS singing "Unforgettable" by Nat King Cole, OFF SCREEN. INT. STAFF HOUSE-LOUNGE-DAY JAMES enters the lounge area. ELIAS is there. JAMES I've never smelt anything like that before. You turned the toilet into a gas chamber. ELIAS What you eat is what you shit my friend. I eat English shit, so what do you expect my shit to smell like?....J-LO'S perfume? ELIAS'S attention is caught by the watch that JAMES is wearing. ELIAS (cont'd) That looks like a rolex submariner. JAMES (trying to hide his watch) It's not real....it's a replica. ELIAS (grabbing James's wrist) Can I have a look?....It doesn't look like a replica to me. It looks like the real thing. JAMES Well it's not the real thing. How could I ever afford to buy a ten thousand pound watch? ELIAS You're not selling drugs...are you? JAMES Are you crazy? Do I look like Antonio Montana to you? The door bell rings. PHIL who lives on the ground floor of the staff house opens the door. PHIL'S POV: A female JOURNALIST holding a microphone and a TV station camera crew. JOURNALIST Are you Elias the Greek? PHIL (sarcastically) Have you ever seen a ginger Greek before? (shouting) ELIAS?...ELIAS there's some people here looking for you. ELIAS comes down the stairs. PHIL (cont'd) Did you rob a bank or what? ELIAS walks to the front door. JOURNALIST Hello! Are you Elias the Greek? ELIAS (dumbfounded) May be! VIEW ON JAMES who is trying to sneak out the front door. ELIAS notices him. JOURNALIST Elias tell us how do you feel? You're going to be the first Greek man to marry a Turkish woman. You're going to make history. How do you feel about that? ELIAS Excuse me?...how do you know that.... ELIAS turns his head and notices JAMES walking away fast. Suddenly he realizes that JAMES sold the story to the press. ELIAS (cont'd) James?...JAMES?....JAMES YOU BASTARD...YOU'RE GONNA DIE!!!! ELIAS runs after JAMES who has already started running for all he's worth. INT. ELAINE'S HOUSE IN SAINT ALBANS-LOUNGE-EVENING ELIAS and ELAINE are watching TV. They're actually watching ELAINE being interviewed by a journalist. ELIAS Fucking unbelievable! We have become world headline news! ELAINE You know that "HELLO" magazine offered me one million pounds for exclusive photographs of our wedding? ELIAS One million pounds for some stupid photos? The world's gone mad. It's gonna be one hell of a wedding! ELAINE I bet! INT. TOWN HALL-THE WEDDING-EVENING The wedding is of course a civilian wedding in the town hall. The hall where the ceremony takes place is absolutely jammed. The Greeks are sitting on the left while the Turks are sitting on the right separated by the aisle. They exchange suspicious looks. ELIAS and ELAINE are standing before the person who performs the ceremony. The love music theme of the movie plays all through the wedding montage. We can hear only music,nothing else. ELIAS and ELAINE turn to face each other. They kiss. The CAMERA pans around them while they kiss. VIEW ON THE PARENTS of both sides. They are in tears. INT. THE NOKE HOTEL-BURSTON SUITE-EVENING ....where a big dinner to celebrate the wedding takes place. The hall is decorated with Greek and Turkish flags. ELIAS walks up to the microphone. ELIAS Well....six months ago I had never met a Turk. Six months ago I thought that Turkish girls are the ugliest girls in the world. After six months,today,now..I'm in a place full of Turks and how ironic..I just married a Turkish girl and she's the most stunning woman I've ever seen in my life. It's true what they say...that life has more fantasy than our dreams. A Greek man and a Turkish woman...traditional foes they say....I mean who would expect it? I didn't....I passed out when she told me...her parents passed out when she told them...my parents passed out when I told them. You see...in the history of this planet a Greek man and a Turkish woman or a Turkish man and a Greek woman,never got any further from the action of raping. I guess we made history today. This wedding has become world headline news. I didn't want it this way... (looking at James) ..but since I happen to have a Judas Iscariot for a friend.....I'm only joking James,I'm only joking....since we have national and international TV stations here today...let this wedding be an opportunity to bring our two nations closer together. I know that a wedding can't really make much of a difference but when you start building a house,you have to start from somewhere.....and the house of trust between the two nations....eventually has to be built,simply because our destiny made us neighbors....so we can run but we can't hide from each other...And you know what? I used to believe that the Turks look completely different from the Greeks but as I can see from here, I can't really tell the Turks from the Greeks.....Una fatsa,una ratsa as the Italians say. One face,one nation. A big applause as ELIAS finishes his small speech,steps down and walks over to the table where ELAINE sits. She gets up from her chair. ELIAS embraces her and they kiss. EXT. SAINT SOFIA'S TEMPLE-ISTANBUL-TURKEY-SUNSET LONG VIEW ON SAINT SOFIA'S TEMPLE similar to the "Midnight Express" opening. INT. HILTON HOTEL-WEDDING SUITE-ISTANBUL-TURKEY-SUNSET The same shot of SAINT SOFIA'S temple through the wedding suite's window. CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal ELIAS in the bed staring at the ceiling. ELIAS (impatient) Come to bed!...what can possibly be taking you so long? ELAINE (O.S.) (from the room next to the bedroom) I told you it's a surprise...be patient...good things come to those who wait. ELIAS If you don't come to bed soon, (raising his right hand and moving his fingers) ..I'm going to ask the widow and her five orphans to relieve me. ELAINE (O.S.) What widow and her five orphans? ELIAS Forget about it. You know what? I'm so excited to be in Istanbul. It used to be the capital of the Greek empire once upon a time...till the fucking Turks decided to invade it. ELAINE (O.S.) Don't start again!! ELIAS I'm only joking my darling....I'm only joking! ELAINE (O.S.) Okay...close your eyes,I'm ready. ELIAS (bored) Okay,I'll close my eyes. He closes his eyes. ELAINE gets in the bedroom in a traditional Turkish belly dancer's outfit. She looks absolutely stunning...sex on legs. ELAINE You can open your eyes now. ELIAS opens his eyes. ELAINE starts a belly dance. ELIAS laughs. ELIAS Now I can die a happy man. All my dreams come true.....You're a natural,you know that? ELAINE They all used to tell me the same thing in the harem I was working at in my previous life! ELAINE gets closer and closer to him and when she gets too close,ELIAS grabs her and throws her on the bed. They're looking at each other for a while and then they kiss. FADE TO BLACK. THE END
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