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THE LUNCHROOM
Episode Seven
"Reality Bites"
Written by
Max Majernik
Created by
Bruce Snyder
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Bruce Snyder
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Vincent Biga
STORY EDITOR
Melinda Waterman
CONSULTING PRODUCER
Edward Drogos
CONSULTING PRODUCER
Max Majernik
CAST LIST
Will Cooper.................................
Joel Mayberry...............................
Brian Vandele...............................
Brock Warner................................
Reicther....................................
Casey Jennings..............................
Chris Hughes................................
Stacy Cifaretto.............................
Mr. John Parker.............................
GUEST CAST LIST
The Producer................................
Principal Stevens...........................
Debbie Vandele..............................
Jimmy.......................................
Student #2..................................
Cameraman...................................
Senior......................................
Copyright © Bruce Snyder
OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE:
Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the
credits.
AFTER CREDITS:
INT. HISTORY CLASS - MORNING
Mr. Parker Is teaching. Brian and Will are in the back,
sleeping. Reicther looks zoned out and is staring at the
wall.
PARKER
Ok, now everybody turn your books
to page...
He sees Brian and Will.
PARKER
I'm sorry am I boring you?
Parker goes over to his desk. He picks up an AIR HORN
and presses the button. After the noise, Brian wakes up
and Reicther snaps out of it. Will stays asleep. Parker
notices and walks over to him.
PARKER
Will, can you tell me why your not
awake right now?
Will doesn't answer. Parker reaches down and pulls an
EAR PLUG out of his ear.
PARKER
What the -
He addresses the class.
PARKER
THIS is how you get away with
sleeping in class.
Will slowly rises his head.
WILL
(yawns) yeah yeah, potatoes.
Will begins to sleep again. The class starts to laugh.
PARKER
Obviously some ones not paying
attention to the lesson plan.
Jimmy get the ruler.
Jimmy walks over and grabs his ruler. He hands it over
to Parker.
PARKER
You see class, this will teach you
a very valuable lesson.
He raises the ruler about to strike it down on the desk.
A student raises his hand. Parker freezes.
PARKER
Yes?
STUDENT
Can this be used in a real life
situation?
PARKER
As long as you have a long stick
and the upper hand, it can be used
in ANY situation.
He is about to strike down again when some one enters
the classroom.
STUDENT #2
Uh...Mr. Parker?
PARKER
Can't you see I'm about to show the
class the second half of crime and
punishment?
STUDENT #2
The principal needs to see Brian
right away.
Brian looks confused. He gets up and walks out. He slams
the door behind him which wakes up Will.
WILL
Hey, where's Brian going?
PARKER
The office.
(fake excitement)
Hey! You know what? You can join
him.
WILL
What? Why?
PARKER
It's for that little narcolepsy act
you were pulling just a second ago.
WILL
Oh.
(under breath)
I thought it was for what I did to
your coffee.
PARKER
What was that?
WILL
Oh nothing, heh, just mumbling to
myself.
Will gets up and walks out of the classroom.
INT. PRINCIPALS OFFICE - MINUTES LATER
Brian is sitting in his office looking clearly annoyed.
PRINCIPAL STEVENS is looking at the DVD of "The Matrix
Reloaded."
PRINCIPAL
So Neo was god?
BRIAN
No Neo was the one, our savior.
PRINCIPAL
So he was Jesus?
BRIAN
What the hell are you talking
about?
An awkward moment between them.
PRINCIPAL
So Agent Smith was the devil?
BRIAN
You know what just drop it. Is this
why you called in here?
STEVENS
No this isn't why I called you in
here. I called you in here because
"Kinrejam Productions" wants to
make a documentary based on a
social outcast. Basically a geek.
Since your the only who signed up.
I figured you'd had be interested.
BRIAN
Wait a minute! I never signed up.
PRINCIPAL
Yeah, you did. In fact -
(looks down a paper)
- a miss Stacy Cifaretto signed you
up personally.
Brian looks extremely angry.
BRIAN
(under his breath)
I'm going to kill you Stacy. I
really am.
STEVENS
What was that?
BRIAN
Nothing. (pause) I don't want to be
in a movie about geeks, that'll
really make a walking joke.
STEVENS
Look, it doesn't matter if you WANT
to be in it...your GOING to be in
it. They're offering a nice chunk
of change to me and the school.
BRIAN
Do I get paid?
STEVENS
(quickly)
Not a cent.
Brian sighs.
BRIAN
Fine. I'll do it.
They shake hands and he leaves.
INT. LUNCHROOM - LUNCHTIME
Will, Joel, Brian, Brock, Casey, Reicther, and Chris sit
around the lunch table, eating and talking.
BRIAN
So the film crew comes Monday
JOEL
I gotta tell ya. I'm kinda nervous.
WILL
About what? Were all gonna be stars
now.
CHRIS
No this is gonna be one of those
crappy "Sundance" movies. Ya know,
were they talk a lot and put
worthless things in black and white.
The whole gang seem disappointed.
CASEY
Oh, I forgot to tell you, I got the
Star Wars personality tests back.
WILL
(sarcastically)
Ah, the best fifteen bucks I've
spent in my life.
CASEY
I haven't looked at them yet
Casey passes them out.
BRIAN
I'm Chewbacca, strong, brave, and
doesn't take attitude from anyone.
Damn hit the bulls eye on that one.
JOEL
I'm Lando. A natural leader. A real
charmer.
CHRIS
That's dumb, your not black.
WILL
It says that I'm Luke Skywalker.
Whiney, Arrogant, and no sense of
style. Probably the least liked
member of the group.
The Group agrees.
WILL
Well, if that isn't the biggest
piece of bullshit I've ever heard.
BROCK
Casey, who are you?
CASEY
I'm Admiral Akbar.
The group starts to laugh.
CASEY
It says I'm more of a second tier
character. Not smart enough to be a
leader, more a follower. Probably
resembles a fish.
The whole gang starts to laugh hysterically
BROCK
That's so you.
CASEY
This one is wrong, I'm gonna make
my own. One that'll be on the money.
REICTHER
This one is Akbar, don't be jealous.
CASEY
Shut up, I hate you guys
CHRIS
Akbar, its ok. Personality tests
aren't wrong.
CASEY
Well this one is. I'm going to sit
with the foreign kids. Screw your
stupid movie.
Casey storms out of the lunchroom.
WILL
You think he's taking things a wee
bit too far?
REICTHER
Eh, you just have to let him ride
out his hissy fits. Hell be ok in a
day or two.
INT. BRIAN'S HOUSE - MORNING
Brian is waking up. He walks out of his room and sees a
Producer and a cameraman talking to his mom.
PRODUCER
Oh, this must be Brian.
(quietly to cameraman)
Your right he is a geek.
The camera man starts to film immediately
PRODUCER (cont'd)
Anything you'd like to say to start
us off Brian?
BRIAN
I'm hungry
Brian walks over to his kitchen and eats some cereal. He
doesn't say anything and looks fine, not a care in the world.
The producer gets antsy and the camera man yawns
PRODUCER
So Brian, you cut yourself to make
the pain go away
BRIAN
Well...I got this mean paper cut on
Friday. Finally starting to heal up.
He starts to eat his cereal again. The producer and camera
man shoot each other a worried look. Brian looks at his
watch.
BRIAN
Time for the bus.
He gets up and leaves. The producer and camera man right
behind.
INT. LUNCHROOM - MORNING
The Gang is sitting at the table (with the producer/camera
man) no one talking, there all too shy.
WILL
Sooooo Joel...uh...
Will looks directly at the camera. He freezes.
WILL
Screw it I've got nothing.
Another awkward moment while the crew looks around thinking
of something to say.
CASEY
Well I gave up on the personality
Tests.
CHRIS
Already?
CASEY
Yeah, the best ideas I had were
"were type of fruit are you" and
"what type of bad ass are you"
CHRIS
The bad ass one would have been
good.
JOEL
Who would have been the ultimate
badass?
WILL
C'mon man, Clint Eastwood
The whole group nods in agreement. The Producer cuts in.
PRODUCER
I don't mean to barge in. Do you
think you could open up a little.
Talk about something...interesting.
JOEL
So who would have been the "Poser"
badass. Ya know , the one who
answers the questions badly
The producer groans.
The bell rings and the crew disperses. While Brian is walking
he bumps into somebody. The stare each other down. Brian
shrugs it off and keeps walking. The Producer begins to get
pissed off.
INT. CLASSROOM - MORNING
Brian, Joel, and Reicther walk into there first period
class. Brian sits next to Joel. Reicther comes running
into the room.
REICTHER
Jimmy Constantino is giving rubber
bands AWAY FOR FREE!
BRIAN
Rubber bands?
REICTHER
Yeah, ISN'T IT GREAT! I got over
400.
Everybody looks shocked.
JOEL
Your kidding right?
REICTHER
Nope. I've got a plan, see. To
build the greatest rubber band gun
the world has ever seen.
The Producer seems stunned.
PRODUCER
Now why couldn't we get that kid?
MONTAGE
(Red Hot Chili Pepper’s "Fortune Faded.")
Various shots of the next couple of days. Brian is talking to
his friends. Brian is sleeping. Brian is playing video games.
Nothing exciting is happening.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL - DAY
The producer is talking on is cell phone
PRODUCER
This kids a lame duck. We need to
find some one else before we lose
any more money on this piece of
shit.
Pause.
PRODUCER
Create problems? Isn't that kind of
wrong Sir?
Pause.
PRODUCER
Your right, the only good way to
get a problem is to create it
yourself. Later
He hangs up the phone and walks back into the school.
EXT. BRIANS LAWN- NIGHT
The Producer is talking on his cell phone again.
PRODUCER
Yeah the moneys there, you just
have to do your part You got it? In
an hour ok?
He hangs up the phone and walks back inside the house.
INT. BRIANS ROOM - NIGHT
Brian is watching TV. The camera man has fallen asleep. The
producer constantly looks at his watch.
PRODUCER
So Brian...you ever get made fun of
for your overweight problem?
BRIAN
Not really. There's an occasional
Crispy Crème joke. People usually
mind there business.
PRODUCER
I think there's more than that
BRIAN
No, well not to my knowledge
Suddenly a brick flies through his window. He looks shocked
and picks it up.
BRIAN (cont'd)
It says " LARD ASS". What the hell?
MOM GET IN HERE!
The Producer gets s smirk on his face.
PRODUCER
Anything you'd like to tell us
Brian?
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY - NEXT DAY
Chris, Casey, and Brian are walking down the hall.
CASEY
A brick? Did it break anything?
BRIAN
It was a brick...what do you think.
CHRIS
That's fucked up. Who do you think
did it?
BRIAN
I don't know, I don't have any
enemies.
A group of seniors run down the hall and push Brian
down.
SENIOR
OINK OINK, FAT ASS!
Chris and Casey rush to help up Brian.
CHRIS
(sarcastically)
Heh, oink...SO creative these days
BRIAN
Fuck you man.
Brian gets up and walks away. He appears visibly shaken.
PRODUCER
FOLLOW HIM.
The camera man follows Brian. Reicther comes running into the
Hallway.
REICTHER
Its finished!
CASEY
What?
REICTHER
The bridge, its a little bit shaky
but nothing worrisome.
CHRIS
What bridge?
REICTHER
I built this bridge of rubber bands
connecting my house to my garage.
CHRIS
Its only been like 2 days.
REICTHER
I worked all night. Nevermind that,
I need you guys over at my place
after school.
CHRIS
We have to find Brian.
REICTHER
I'll find him , just be there!
EXT. REICTHER'S ROOF - AFTER SCHOOL
Casey and Chris get up there. Will and Joel are already
there. They all say Hi to each other.
WILL
How long do you think this will
hold?
CASEY
I don't think it will make it past
50 more seconds honestly.
CHRIS
It made out of rubber bands for
gods sake, how sturdy can it be?
JOEL
Wait, we don't have to cross it do
we?
Reicther, Brock and Brian (with the producer and camera man) come
up. Brian's face is beat red.
REICTHER
Ok its all ready. Chris are your
ready?
Reicther throws him a helmet and knee pads.
CHRIS
Oh what the bloody hell? How are
the knee pads suppose to help.
REICTHER
You'll see if you fall.
Chris shoots him a worried look.
REICTHER
I said IF buddy. Don't worry this
thing is gonna hold.
Both walk toward the bridge. Chris is wearing the helmet
and knee pads.
REICTHER
Ok, you may have to do a dead
sprint. This thing can hold you,
but not for long.
CHRIS
What is this even proving?
REICTHER
This will cut bridge costs by 89%.
Trust me, it doesn't matter right
now.
Chris thinks.
CHRIS
Well as long as its for a good
cause.
Chris begins to walk across. They are being watched by a
Senior and his friend, from across the street.
SENIOR
DON'T LET LARD LAD ON! HIS FALL
COULD BE DEADLY!
The Senior and his friends begin to laugh.
PRODUCER
(to himself)
I'm getting gold here. This Reicther
kid is a whole damn movie himself.
Now all this scene needs is a
little bit of instigation.
The producer sleuths over and cuts a rubber band with a
pocket knife. The whole thing shakes and goes haywire.
CHRIS
Reicther, you bastard! WHATS THE
FAIL SAFE!
Reicther throws him goggles
REICTHER
WATCH YOUR EYES!
Chris puts them on. The bands start snapping and hitting him.
CHRIS
OUCH! DAMMIT! JESUS THAT HURTS!
REICTHER
But your eyes are ok, right?
The whole thing collapses and he goes with it. The Gang
look down, from the roof, at the GIANT PILE of RUBBER
BANDS. The senior looks up.
SENIOR
WHAT DID YOU DO FAT ASS? YOUR NOT
ALLOWED TO EAT THE RUBBER BANDS.
The seniors laugh. Brian runs away and the Producer and
camera man quickly follow.
REICTHER
Duh, its so obvious. Ill make a
giant rubber band ball. CHRIS
COLLECT THE RUBBER BAND FOR ME, I'LL
BE RIGHT DOWN!
Reicther runs off.
WILL
You know, some things not right.
JOEL
Yeah I know, Brian's had hecklers
but nothing this bad.
CASEY
Well, whenever "Spielberg" came, so
did that heckler.
WILL
You think he's got involvement?
CASEY
I'm just saying not to throw that
out.
Will pauses to think.
WILL
Ok, Casey and Joel follow the
Senior. I'll try and catch Brian.
Brock, make sure Chris isn't dead
and Reicther doesn't have a law
suit on his hands.
BROCK
I'm on it.
They go on their separate ways.
INT. WILLS ROOM - NIGHT
Will is talking on the phone with Casey.
WILL
Anything interesting on our Senior?
CASEY
Well he has crabs, but that's a
story for another time.
WILL
So nothing to help out the
conspiracy?
CASEY
Nope, but were planning a stakeout
for tonight.
Will's phone beeps.
WILL
I got another call. Go for it,
I'll meet you there.
He presses the flash button.
WILL
Hello?
It's Brian's mom, Debbie Vandele.
DEBBIE
Hey Will, its Brian's mom. Did
Brian go over there after school?
WILL
No, why?
DEBBIE
Oh ok, he never came home tonight.
Just thought I'd call.
WILL
Wait, where's the Producer and his
Lackey?
DEBBIE
I dunno, I called his cell phone
and he didn't pick up.
WILL
Ok, I'll call if I see him.
DEBBIE
Thanks, bye.
Will dials a number.
WILL
Hey Casey, I'm comin' sooner then I
said. I got a bad feeling about
this.
CASEY
Bad feeling?
WILL
Yeah, Brian never went home. I'm
nervous about what kinda shit that
Producer is putting into his head
CASEY
C'mon man, its only been a few
days. Brian isn't gonna do anything
drastic
WILL
When was the last time some one
made fun of his weight? I mean
REALLY made fun of it
CASEY
Uh...(thinks)I believe it was
Frankie Marks.
WILL
You remember how fast it took for
him to unload on little ol' Frankie.
CASEY
Yeah but that was like a week and
a half of embarrassment
WILL
Well lets see what happened these
last 5 days. He got a brick through
the window, knocked down in the
hall, and laughed at.
CASEY
I guess.
WILL
AND we got this X factor in mister
asshole producer.
CASEY
Maybe we better get the whole group
for this one.
WILL
Call everybody, well meet in an
Hour.
EXT. THE WOODS OUTSIDE THE SENIORS HOUSE - NIGHT
The Whole Gang (except Brian and Reicther) are standing
around a tent. Will and Chris are carefully watching the
house.
WILL
I guess Reicther too cool for our
"pow wows" nowadays?
CASEY
Nah, he coming later and he's
bringing Plan C.
BROCK
You know what's sad? That were all
secretly looking forward to him
coming .
WILL
He's the glue that keeps us
together. Think about it, what
would Seinfeld be without Kramer?
BROCK
Two 2 guys a girl and a pizza shop.
WILL
Exactly, and what did that suck?
BROCK
Balls, yes I know, it sucked balls
Silent moment between the group.
CHRIS
You know this has been a really bad
week.
WILL
How so?
CHRIS
Look at what we were doing Monday,
and look at what were doing today.
BROCK
I cant even remember that far back.
WILL
I remember now, right ADMIRAL AKBAR.
They all laugh.
CASEY
Dude, it was a bad test. And
anyways, this has been a pretty
good week if I don't mind saying
CHRIS
NO it hasn't. Were out here to
catch our friend whose gonna
sodomize a Senior. Why would you
chalk that up as a good week?
CASEY
Whoa when was sodomy put into this?
CHRIS
Ugh, I was just trying to prove my
point. You know your really-
Will cuts them off.
WILL
There's Brian, shut up
Brian is walking up to the Seniors door. But then Reicther is
running down the street chasing after a giant rubber band
ball.
REICTHER
DAMMIT BRIAN, A LITTLE HELP
Brian looks back, shocked.
BRIAN
Reicther, what the hell are you
doing here?
The rubber band ball hits a car and lands on the hood. It
breaks the windows and leaves a huge dent.
REICTHER
Ohhh, that's a lawsuit.
Brian is still standing there in shock. Then the crew comes
out of the woods.
WILL
What are you doing Brian?
BRIAN
Uhh nothing, ya know, just some
school fund raisers.
WILL
You know this is the Seniors house,
the one that's been fucking with
you.
BRIAN
Really? Wow. That's a one in a
million shot I tells ya, heh
They all stare him down.
WILL
Where's that cocksucker of a
producer?
The Producer comes out from behind a car
PRODUCER
Congratulations, you may have just
made a Cannes winner. I'm getting
real emotion here, this is just so
beautiful.
CASEY
Its your fucking fault were here
right now.
PRODUCER
What me? No. Its Lard Lads fault he
cant take constructive criticism
BRIAN
You told me to.....
PRODUCER
Look it doesn't matter, what
matters is your friend has
problems. Very profitable problems.
WILL
This is bull shit, you cant just
put that stuff in his head
PRODUCER
Well the audience just wont see
that part "WILL"
A cop car strolls down the street. They all see this. Will
punches the Producer and they all make a run for it.
The cop pulls up to the Producer who is laying near the
rubber band ball on the car.
COP
What's going on here sir?
PRODUCER
You see I have a permit...Wait it
doesn't matter, I'm apart of
Hollywood "PIG"...C'mon I dare ya,
do something...This do anything for
ya? I'M GLAD O.J. WON! Yeah I said
it.
COP
Really? Your so lucky your not
black...oh what the hell.
The cop picks up his walkie talkie
COP (cont'd)
PSSSHHHHH He has a gun I REPEAT he
has a gun PSHHHHH.
The cop begins to beat the Producer.
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
(Powderfinger's "Not My Kinda Scene" begins to play.)
INT. BRIANS ROOM - NIGHT
Brian walks into his room and takes off his shirt. He
reaches near his back and pulls out A NOTE from his
jeans. He hides it in his dresser.
BRIAN
Very profitable problems
huh......that's just great
Brian jumps on his bed and goes to sleep.
FADE OUT.
END OF EPISODE
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