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THE LUNCHROOM Episode Six "By All Means" Teleplay by Edward Drogos & Bruce Snyder Story by Bruce Snyder Created by Bruce Snyder EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Bruce Snyder EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Vincent Biga STORY EDITOR Melinda Waterman CAST LIST Will Cooper................................. Joel Mayberry............................... Brian Vandele............................... Brock Warner................................ Reicther.................................... Casey Jennings.............................. Chris Hughes................................ Stacy Cifaretto............................. Mr. John Parker............................. GUEST CAST LIST Tom Laurence................................ Marilyn..................................... Aaron....................................... Joe......................................... Ryan........................................ Students.................................... Woman....................................... Copyright © Bruce Snyder TEASER FADE IN: INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - MORNING Will walks down the hall where he sees two people making out in front of his locker. Will rolls his eyes and when he gets closer he sees that it is TOM and his boyfriend AARON. Will pauses for a moment, then continues to his locker and stands in front of them. Aaron looks up from his kiss to see Will looking at them. AARON What the hell are you looking at? WILL Two gay boys kissing in front of my locker. Tom looks at where they are standing and detaches himself from Aaron and moves over. TOM (a little embarrassed) Oh, sorry about that. WILL No problem. Aaron moves out of the way as Will does his combination. AARON (to Tom) What are you saying "you're sorry" for? We didn't do anything wrong. TOM No, but we were blocking his locker. That's not nice. AARON Nice, since when do we have to be nice? Have they ever been nice to us? TOM Will hasn't done anything. WILL That's right, I haven't done anything. AARON (to Will) You just don't understand. TOM Aaron, youíre really making a big deal out of this. You better clam down, sweetie. WILL Better listen to your boyfriend, there Aaron. AARON Look, just mind your business! TOM Aaron, stop. Come here. Tom pulls Aaron over and Will opens his locker and gets his book. AARON What? I'm just defending us. TOM From what? AARON From what? Like you donít know, youíre too busy twirling around to notice the stares that we get from other people! TOM (now angry too) Excuse me? Will begins to feel uncomfortable and opens his locker door again and hides his head behind it, this also blocks of our view of Tom and Aaronís continued fighting. TOM (O.C.) (CONTíD) Fine! AARON (O.C.) Fine! Silence. Will closes the door again. Tom is standing right there, looking upset. TOM He dumped me. WILL (feels bad) Oh. TOM What am I going to do now? Do you know how hard it is to find a gay student in Centerville? I mean there are more black people than gays. WILL You know, Iíve been waiting a long time to say this, but seeing as you broke up...he was really bad for you. TOM How long have you been waiting? WILL Seven seconds. TOM (sad) Great. Thanks a lot. WILL Wait. (forcing it out) How about I find another guy for you. TOM You want to do that? WILL Well, not want...But if you want me to... Tom begins to cheer up. TOM Oh my god! That would be great! WILL Yeah, no problem. TOM Won't this be fun! Tom puts his arm around Will. Will looks around making sure that no one is looking. OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE: Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the credits. FADE TO: INT. RED JEEP - MORNING (MOVING) Joel is sitting in the passenger's seat, staring out the window. ZACH MAYBERRY, Joel's older brother, is behind the steering wheel. JOEL Zach...you've got help me out. ZACH What's your problem? JOEL Brian. ZACH What about him? JOEL Well, I think I've done something really bad Zach begins to pay close attention. ZACH What is it? JOEL See, there's this girl - ZACH Wait! You can't be asking for love advice. Joel seems confused. JOEL Why not? ZACH Cause I was going to ask you for love advice. JOEL Really? ZACH Yes. JOEL When? ZACH I was going to wait just about the time we turn around the corner. JOEL Well...what's your problem? ZACH Diane wants have sex with me for the first time. Joel scoffs. JOEL That's it? ZACH Pretty much. JOEL I'm trying to get advice about a very delicate situation. A situation that is testing the bounds of my morals and my friendship...and you want to know about if you should get a hummer or not? ZACH Wait a damn minute, it's more complex then that. JOEL How? She planning to throw in a little humping and pumping into the mix? ZACH I'm fucking serious, Joel. JOEL I'm serious too. ZACH Okay, okay. I know how to solve this. You answer my problem...then I help you with yours. Joel shrugs. JOEL Um...okay. Joel sits there, thinking. JOEL Okay. My advice is... Joel begins to think. JOEL Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy. Joel smiles. Zach looks pissed off. JOEL How was that? Zach just shakes his head. ZACH Fuck you. JOEL Oh come on, that was gold. ZACH Fuck you. JOEL You wanna the expression dad told me, involving "the way of life?" ZACH Shut the fuck up or you're walking your ass the rest of the way there. Zach sighs, while Joel softly chuckles. JOEL I thought it was good. Slight pause. JOEL Wait, what about my problem? ZACH I say confront him. JOEL You don't even know what the problem is. ZACH Problems are just conflicts. All problems have confrontations. Pause. JOEL God...we're shitty brothers. CUT TO: INT. LUNCHROOM - MINUTES LATER Will, Brian, Casey, Brock, Reicther, and Chris sit around a table. Casey is finishing telling the gang why he got detention. Brian is flipping through his math book. Reicther has something in his hand but is looking at Casey. Brock and Will are paying close attention to Casey. BROCK You stooge. How could you have not known he got a new hearing aid? CASEY Anyway, in detention tonight I have to write this report about her. BRIAN About who? CASEY Weren't you listening? BRIAN No. That is why I asked who. CASEY Miss Virginia Wolf. BROCK Oh...isn't she that one writer? CASEY Depends on how you define that one writer. BROCK The one that has the freakishly weird nose that killed herself? CASEY That's her. And I get to spend an hour writing about her. REICTHER You get detention all the time. What's the big deal? CASEY This time I actually have to do something productive. Reicther slowly begins to slouch in his chair. REICTHER I have an even worse problem. I have a job interview after school. BRIAN Where? REICTHER Nowhere. BRIAN What? Just tell us! REICTHER There is no need for you to know. Brock growls. BROCK (to Brian) Forget about him. He's not going to tell you. BRIAN (angry) Fine. Joel walks up and sits down. JOEL Morning all. WILL Joel, do you know where I can find some gay kids? Joel seems confused. JOEL Not off the top of my head. Why? WILL Because I have a friend whose a butt pirate looking for booty. Chris looks confused. BROCK Butt pirate? REICTHER Gay student. WILL Tom Laurence and his boyfriend had a fight in front of my locker yesterday. They broke up, and my kindness got the best of me when I suggested that I would help him find another man. CASEY How are you going to do that? WILL No idea. JOEL Do you have any possible bachelors for him? WILL Nope. BRIAN Do you know ANY gay students. WILL Besides Tom - Nope. The bell rings. JOEL Good luck searching, Will. WILL I have a better chance of finding a black guy in a "Where's Waldo?" book then finding Tom another lover. CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - LATER The bell RINGS and all the students fill the hallways. Will and Tom walk together observing the people. TOM So...do you see anyone for me yet? WILL Um, no. Slight pause. WILL How can you tell? TOM Tell what? WILL If a guy is gay or not? TOM Straight guys think we have some sort of sense about these things, but mainly it is hit or miss. They continue looking. Pause. WILL Maybe if you tell me what kind of guy you are looking for. TOM (thinking) Well, someone who is tall. But it's okay if there short too, but they have to be really cute. Kinda like Elijah Wood. WILL Gotcha. Frodo Baggins type. TOM I like blondes, but kind of a dirty color like Jude Law. WILL Alright then. Alfie type. TOM Oh, his body... WILL Wait. I don't think you have to go any further. (shakes his head) For a gay guy you sure are picky. Will notices something. WILL I found the forbidden garden. The Drama Club. Will points ahead and sees all the drama students together at the end of the hall. TOM That won't work. WILL Why not? That's your promised land. TOM Already been there...not much to offer. WILL (not understanding) It's the theater group! ALL gay guys join that. TOM Will, I've already blown that lemonade stand before, if you know what I mean. WILL (understanding) Jesus titty fucking Christ. Really bad analogy, Tom They continue on. TOM Hey, what about that guy? WILL (looking around) Where? TOM (pointing) There. Tom points off in the distance. Will focuses, and sees that Tom is pointing at JORDAN JONES. WILL Wait let me make sure. You're pointing at - (points) - him. TOM Yeah. What's his name? WILL How can you not know who he is? A thought hits Will a terrible thought. WILL (CONTíD) That's Jordan Jones! TOM Jordan Jones...That sounds nice. Is he gay? WILL Oh, he's queerer than folk! You would be perfect together. TOM He is...kinda cute. What do you think I should do? WILL Um, Jordan is a very open person...I think you would get the biggest reaction if you confessed your feelings for him...today...and then kiss him. TOM Kiss him? WILL Yeah, right on the tonsils. It would be sure to seal the deal. TOM I don't know. WILL Well, think about it... But I have a feeling my searching is over. Will smiles wickedly. CUT TO: INT. BOOKSTORE - SAME STACY is standing at a shelf. She is deeply concentrating on reading the book in her hands. Suddenly a little clown doll is place on her shoulder. VOICE (O.S.) The paper boat, Georgie! Stacy jumps and turns to see MARILYN. STACY OH JESUS! MARILYN Sorry, I couldn't resist. STACY Oh, man...Marilyn? MARILYN Yep. It's me. STACY Wow. I haven't seen you in...(thinks) months. MARILYN I haven't seen much of you either. Either we just don't see each other much or your very successfully avoiding me. STACY Well, it's just been hectic in my life. I've been really focusing on my graduation in the Spring. Pause. Marilyn realizes something. MARILYN Wait, what the hell are you doing here? Isn't this a school day? STACY I've got two free periods a day now that I'm a senior. What are you doing here? MARILYN Well, I was depressed about how I looked. So, I came here, saw all the fat and ugly people and now I don't feel so bad. Stacy smiles. MARILYN Actually, I'm looking for a book. STACY What book? MARILYN "A Buddhist's Perspective on Bisexuality." Stacy smiles but also seems confused. STACY What the hell kind of book is that? MARILYN Interesting. You should check the chapter out about "choosing a side." STACY Why are you getting a book about... bisexuality? I thought you were, (quietly) gay. MARILYN Doesn't mean I can't enjoy a good read. Pause. MARILYN What are you looking for? STACY Um...a big book. MARILYN What big book. STACY Any big book. When I move into my dorm in college during the fall, I want my roommate to think I'm an intellectual. CUT TO: INT. LUNCHROOM - DAY Chris and Will are waiting in the lunch line, talking. CHRIS Have you taken that stupid personality test in the school paper yet? WILL I've been occupied. CHRIS With what? WILL Guilt. It's sorta my fault that these two people broke up and how I have to find a new boyfriend for one of them. CHRIS What self respecting girl would ever let you play matchmaker for her? WILL Thomas Laurence. CHRIS You can't set her up with him, heís gay. WILL Iím not setting up a girl with someone, Iím setting him with someone. And guess who heís interested in. CHRIS Who? WILL Jordan Jones. This shocks Chris. CHRIS Jordan Jones is the biggest bigot in this county. WILL I know...(smiling) isn't it funny? CHRIS Will, this is a death sentence for him. Do you have any idea what Jordan will do if he is asked out by a boy. I mean he has trouble looking at another guy, incase heíll have a homosexual thought. Will starts to regret his joke. WILL What do we do? CHRIS We have to stop him. WILL All right. Let's stop him before he does something Jordan will regret the rest of his life. They put down their lunch trays and walk out of the lunchroom. They run into Brock, Reicther and Joel heading in. REICTHER Where are you going? WILL Preventing gay love. Will and Chris leave. JOEL Oh...snap. Reicther and Brock ignore him and walk into the lunchroom without him. REICTHER I really don't want to go the job interview. BROCK Then don't. REICTHER I have to. My mom called in, said I would be there. BROCK Oh. Pause. REICTHER That's it? "Oh." BROCK What do you expect? They reach the table. Casey and Brian are all ready they, eating. CASEY Why don't you give a bad interview? REICTHER How bad? BRIAN Why don't you just act like you do when bored...that should annoy him. CASEY Why don't be real disgusting. REICTHER How disgusting? CASEY Well...chew gum really loud. BRIAN Repeat yourself, over and over again. CASEY Tell them you "hear" voices. BRIAN Say you have tarots and scream obscenities. BROCK OR how about you tell you don't want the job. REICTHER Well, if I want to go the easy way. CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Will and Chris are there now, they turn to see down at the very end of the very long hallway, Tom in the middle of his rant. WILL We're to late. There's nothing we can do now. Tom continues his speech because his back is to Will and Chris and cant see them. TOM So basically what Iím saying is Iíve noticed you around the school and recently broke up with my boyfriend, and wanted to know, if you were interested, that I am interested... in you. And want to do this... Tom leans in to Jordan and kisses him on his lips. Chris and Will look on, astounded. WILL Well isn't that ironic and disturbing enough to be describing it to a shrink. CHRIS Yep. WILL Let's go tell him before he freaks out. They start to walk to Jordan and Tom, who is pulling away from Jordan after the kiss. TOM (smiling) Well. Jordan stands there for a moment, then all of a sudden Jordan gives Tom a kiss, moving him up against the locker. Chris and Will stop in their tracks. Stunned, Will and Chris turn around and walk the other way. In the background Tom and Jordan still kiss. CHRIS Your locker is seeing a lot of action, Will. WILL Shut the fuck up! CUT TO: INT. BOOKSTORE - LITTLE LATER Stacy is walking down an aisle. She is deeply into reading the book in her hands, "A Buddhist's Perspective on Bisexuality." STACY My God. MARILYN (O.S.) Good ain't it. STACY Um...interesting...to say the least. Marilyn enters the aisle. STACY So this was a monk who was a bisexual? MARILYN He struggled for years about whether he was gay or not. Then he realized, that maybe it's okay to like...both. Some say, he's the one who revolutionized bisexuality. STACY (sarcastically) An honor I'm sure anyone would love to have. Pause. Marilyn looks at Stacy. MARILYN What do you think of Friday? STACY Um...better then Thursday, not as good as Saturday. MARILYN Okay, what do you think of pasta? STACY Pasta...(thinks) I like pasta. MARILYN Because, on usually on Fridays I make this really nice Italian pasta. I was thinking, that I could you stop by and I could make a some extra for you. STACY Oh... Stacy is taken a back a bit. STACY Well... She seems to be stumped. STACY All right. I'll come. CUT TO: INT. SHAKE SHOP - AFTERNOON Reicther enters the empty shop. His boss, RYAN surfaces from the ground at the sound of the entrance bell. RYAN Mr. Reicther. REICTHER Yes. RYAN Oh, good. Your mom called to make sure that you arrive alright. Reicther closes his eyes, annoyed. REICTHER I must thank her for that... RYAN Alright, come behind here and Iíll show you around. Reicther goes through the half door on the side of the counter. RYAN (CONTíD) Iím Ryan. REICTHER Reicther. They shake hands. RYAN Whatís your first name? Reicther pauses. REICTHER Um, you everyone just calls me Reicther. RYAN Oh, well what do your parents call you? REICTHER Reicther. RYAN Okay. Well, we have a very diverse menu, but a very simple way of making the shakes. Ryan points over to a bunch of taps coming out of what looks like a large refrigerator. REICTHER Thatís it. RYAN Yeah. Chocolate, Vanilla, Strawberry, Caramel, Mint, and our new favorite Chocolate Banana Mint. We come up with a new favorite every couple of months and put it in there. And if the customer wants something special just mix a bunch of them together, and theyíll never know. Ryan scratches at a nicotine patch on his arm and looks at his watch. RYAN (CONTíD) You know, itís so cold that no one has been here all day, I need a smoke so can you just stand here, so no one robs it. REICTHER Okay. RYAN Thanks. Ryan leaves. Reicther is alone in the shop. Through the window in the front of the shop Reicther sees a very large WOMAN walk up to the shop and enter. She walks up to the counter. WOMAN Do you work here? REICTHER (looking for Ryan) Um...yes. WOMAN I have a coupon for a free low fat double fudge cinnamon nutmeg super milk shake. Reicther looks at the coupon, it has expired five months ago. REICTHER Iím sorry, this is expired. WOMAN No one will know if you gave it to me. REICTHER But it expired. WOMAN Listen. I came here with my Ďbring all the boys to the yardí milkshake coupon, and I want my shake! REICTHER Alright. What kind do you want? WOMAN A low fat double fudge cinnamon nutmeg super milk shake. Reicther goes to the back and grabs a cup and looks for the ingredients. REICTHER (to himself) Crap, weíre out of fudge. Reicther looks over to the angry woman over the top of the counter. Reicther mixes a bunch of different flavors together and beings it back out to the angry woman. REICTHER (CONTíD) Here you go. WOMAN (sniffs the milkshake) Thank you. The Woman walks out the door as Ryan comes back from his smoke. RYAN Did you make a sale? REICTHER (thinking) Yeah. RYAN Well Mr. Reicther, I think you got the job. Now come with me and weíll get you your costume. Ryan leads Reicther to the back. Reicther looks upset. REICTHER Great. CUT TO: (MUSIC MONTAGE: John Mayer's "Daughters" plays in the background.) EXT. STREETS - AFTERNOON Will and Chris walk home after detention. There is a lot of snow piled up everywhere, and they have trouble walking in some places. WILL It was a bitch cleaning up that foam from the fire extinguisher. CHRIS Probably would have been easier if you didnít have a bitch over your shoulder the whole time. Behind a very tall snow pile they hear what sounds like someone crying. Will and Chris walk over. It is Tom and he is crying. WILL Tom! Is Jordan under there? TOM No. He broke up with me. WILL But the two of you were making dents in my locker like an hour ago. What happened? TOM Iím a democrat. CHRIS Okay, does this normally come within the first five minutes of a conversation? TOM We went back to my locker to get my cell phone and he saw a John Kerry for President sticker on the door. CHRIS You still have a John Kerry sticker up? TOM (to Will) Anyway, after he saw it he started harassing me asking how I could support that flip-flopping, troop hating, New England, elite, liberal, communist, bastard. WILL How, who would have thought. TOM I know, you just cant tell. Well, thanks for trying Will. (notices Chris) Hi, whatís your name. CHRIS Hey, I may be black and British, but Iím straight. TOM Okay, well see you later. WILL Bye. Will and Chris continue to walk home. CHRIS Is he ever going to find out that you knew about Jordan? WILL Well, I didnít. He may hate gays, but judging by the way he kissed Tom today, he is one. CHRIS I wonder how long he is going to struggle with it until he comes out. WILL Four more years. EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT A PINK CAR pulls up. EXT. APARTMENT COMPEX - MAINDOOR WAY - SECONDS LATER Stacy walks up to the door and hits one of the buzzer buttons next to her. She seems to be nervous. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. STACY I wonder if I'm suppose to use protection if I have sex with her. FADE OUT: We hear a door open. (THE SONG FADES OUT.) END OF EPISODE
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