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THE LUNCHROOM
Episode Six
"By All Means"
Teleplay by
Edward Drogos & Bruce Snyder
Story by
Bruce Snyder
Created by
Bruce Snyder
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Bruce Snyder
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Vincent Biga
STORY EDITOR
Melinda Waterman
CAST LIST
Will Cooper.................................
Joel Mayberry...............................
Brian Vandele...............................
Brock Warner................................
Reicther....................................
Casey Jennings..............................
Chris Hughes................................
Stacy Cifaretto.............................
Mr. John Parker.............................
GUEST CAST LIST
Tom Laurence................................
Marilyn.....................................
Aaron.......................................
Joe.........................................
Ryan........................................
Students....................................
Woman.......................................
Copyright © Bruce Snyder
TEASER
FADE IN:
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - MORNING
Will walks down the hall where he sees two people making
out in front of his locker.
Will rolls his eyes and when he gets closer he sees that
it is TOM and his boyfriend AARON. Will pauses for a
moment, then continues to his locker and stands in front
of them.
Aaron looks up from his kiss to see Will looking at them.
AARON
What the hell are you looking at?
WILL
Two gay boys kissing in front of my
locker.
Tom looks at where they are standing and detaches
himself from Aaron and moves over.
TOM
(a little embarrassed)
Oh, sorry about that.
WILL
No problem.
Aaron moves out of the way as Will does his combination.
AARON
(to Tom)
What are you saying "you're sorry"
for? We didn't do anything wrong.
TOM
No, but we were blocking his locker.
That's not nice.
AARON
Nice, since when do we have to be
nice? Have they ever been nice to
us?
TOM
Will hasn't done anything.
WILL
That's right, I haven't done
anything.
AARON
(to Will)
You just don't understand.
TOM
Aaron, you’re really making a big
deal out of this. You better clam
down, sweetie.
WILL
Better listen to your boyfriend,
there Aaron.
AARON
Look, just mind your business!
TOM
Aaron, stop. Come here.
Tom pulls Aaron over and Will opens his locker and gets
his book.
AARON
What? I'm just defending us.
TOM
From what?
AARON
From what? Like you don’t know,
you’re too busy twirling around to
notice the stares that we get from
other people!
TOM
(now angry too)
Excuse me?
Will begins to feel uncomfortable and opens his locker
door again and hides his head behind it, this also
blocks of our view of Tom and Aaron’s continued
fighting.
TOM (O.C.) (CONT’D)
Fine!
AARON (O.C.)
Fine!
Silence. Will closes the door again. Tom is standing
right there, looking upset.
TOM
He dumped me.
WILL
(feels bad)
Oh.
TOM
What am I going to do now? Do you
know how hard it is to find a gay
student in Centerville? I mean
there are more black people than
gays.
WILL
You know, I’ve been waiting a long
time to say this, but seeing as you
broke up...he was really bad for
you.
TOM
How long have you been waiting?
WILL
Seven seconds.
TOM
(sad)
Great. Thanks a lot.
WILL
Wait.
(forcing it out)
How about I find another guy for
you.
TOM
You want to do that?
WILL
Well, not want...But if you want me
to...
Tom begins to cheer up.
TOM
Oh my god! That would be great!
WILL
Yeah, no problem.
TOM
Won't this be fun!
Tom puts his arm around Will. Will looks around
making sure that no one is looking.
OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE:
Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the
credits.
FADE TO:
INT. RED JEEP - MORNING (MOVING)
Joel is sitting in the passenger's seat, staring out the
window. ZACH MAYBERRY, Joel's older brother, is behind
the steering wheel.
JOEL
Zach...you've got help me out.
ZACH
What's your problem?
JOEL
Brian.
ZACH
What about him?
JOEL
Well, I think I've done something
really bad
Zach begins to pay close attention.
ZACH
What is it?
JOEL
See, there's this girl -
ZACH
Wait! You can't be asking for love
advice.
Joel seems confused.
JOEL
Why not?
ZACH
Cause I was going to ask you for love
advice.
JOEL
Really?
ZACH
Yes.
JOEL
When?
ZACH
I was going to wait just about the
time we turn around the corner.
JOEL
Well...what's your problem?
ZACH
Diane wants have sex with me for the
first time.
Joel scoffs.
JOEL
That's it?
ZACH
Pretty much.
JOEL
I'm trying to get advice about a
very delicate situation. A situation
that is testing the bounds of my
morals and my friendship...and you
want to know about if you should get
a hummer or not?
ZACH
Wait a damn minute, it's more
complex then that.
JOEL
How? She planning to throw in a little
humping and pumping into the mix?
ZACH
I'm fucking serious, Joel.
JOEL
I'm serious too.
ZACH
Okay, okay. I know how to solve this.
You answer my problem...then I help you
with yours.
Joel shrugs.
JOEL
Um...okay.
Joel sits there, thinking.
JOEL
Okay. My advice is...
Joel begins to think.
JOEL
Girl laid in tomb may soon become
mummy.
Joel smiles. Zach looks pissed off.
JOEL
How was that?
Zach just shakes his head.
ZACH
Fuck you.
JOEL
Oh come on, that was gold.
ZACH
Fuck you.
JOEL
You wanna the expression dad told
me, involving "the way of life?"
ZACH
Shut the fuck up or you're
walking your ass the rest of the
way there.
Zach sighs, while Joel softly chuckles.
JOEL
I thought it was good.
Slight pause.
JOEL
Wait, what about my problem?
ZACH
I say confront him.
JOEL
You don't even know what the problem
is.
ZACH
Problems are just conflicts. All
problems have confrontations.
Pause.
JOEL
God...we're shitty brothers.
CUT TO:
INT. LUNCHROOM - MINUTES LATER
Will, Brian, Casey, Brock, Reicther, and Chris sit
around a table. Casey is finishing telling the gang why
he got detention. Brian is flipping through his math
book. Reicther has something in his hand but is looking
at Casey. Brock and Will are paying close attention to
Casey.
BROCK
You stooge. How could you have not known
he got a new hearing aid?
CASEY
Anyway, in detention tonight I have to
write this report about her.
BRIAN
About who?
CASEY
Weren't you listening?
BRIAN
No. That is why I asked who.
CASEY
Miss Virginia Wolf.
BROCK
Oh...isn't she that one writer?
CASEY
Depends on how you define that one
writer.
BROCK
The one that has the freakishly weird
nose that killed herself?
CASEY
That's her. And I get to spend an hour
writing about her.
REICTHER
You get detention all the time. What's
the big deal?
CASEY
This time I actually have to do
something productive.
Reicther slowly begins to slouch in his chair.
REICTHER
I have an even worse problem. I have a
job interview after school.
BRIAN
Where?
REICTHER
Nowhere.
BRIAN
What? Just tell us!
REICTHER
There is no need for you to know.
Brock growls.
BROCK
(to Brian)
Forget about him. He's not going to
tell you.
BRIAN
(angry)
Fine.
Joel walks up and sits down.
JOEL
Morning all.
WILL
Joel, do you know where I can find
some gay kids?
Joel seems confused.
JOEL
Not off the top of my head. Why?
WILL
Because I have a friend whose a butt
pirate looking for booty.
Chris looks confused.
BROCK
Butt pirate?
REICTHER
Gay student.
WILL
Tom Laurence and his boyfriend had a
fight in front of my locker yesterday.
They broke up, and my kindness got the
best of me when I suggested that I
would help him find another man.
CASEY
How are you going to do that?
WILL
No idea.
JOEL
Do you have any possible bachelors for
him?
WILL
Nope.
BRIAN
Do you know ANY gay students.
WILL
Besides Tom - Nope.
The bell rings.
JOEL
Good luck searching, Will.
WILL
I have a better chance of finding a
black guy in a "Where's Waldo?" book
then finding Tom another lover.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - LATER
The bell RINGS and all the students fill the hallways.
Will and Tom walk together observing the people.
TOM
So...do you see anyone for me yet?
WILL
Um, no.
Slight pause.
WILL
How can you tell?
TOM
Tell what?
WILL
If a guy is gay or not?
TOM
Straight guys think we have some sort
of sense about these things, but
mainly it is hit or miss.
They continue looking. Pause.
WILL
Maybe if you tell me what kind of guy
you are looking for.
TOM
(thinking)
Well, someone who is tall. But it's
okay if there short too, but they have
to be really cute. Kinda like Elijah
Wood.
WILL
Gotcha. Frodo Baggins type.
TOM
I like blondes, but kind of a dirty
color like Jude Law.
WILL
Alright then. Alfie type.
TOM
Oh, his body...
WILL
Wait. I don't think you have to go
any further. (shakes his head) For a
gay guy you sure are picky.
Will notices something.
WILL
I found the forbidden garden. The
Drama Club.
Will points ahead and sees all the drama students
together at the end of the hall.
TOM
That won't work.
WILL
Why not? That's your promised land.
TOM
Already been there...not much to offer.
WILL
(not understanding)
It's the theater group! ALL gay guys
join that.
TOM
Will, I've already blown that lemonade
stand before, if you know what I mean.
WILL
(understanding)
Jesus titty fucking Christ. Really bad
analogy, Tom
They continue on.
TOM
Hey, what about that guy?
WILL
(looking around)
Where?
TOM
(pointing)
There.
Tom points off in the distance. Will focuses, and sees
that Tom is pointing at JORDAN JONES.
WILL
Wait let me make sure. You're
pointing at -
(points)
- him.
TOM
Yeah. What's his name?
WILL
How can you not know who he is?
A thought hits Will a terrible thought.
WILL (CONT’D)
That's Jordan Jones!
TOM
Jordan Jones...That sounds nice. Is
he gay?
WILL
Oh, he's queerer than folk! You would
be perfect together.
TOM
He is...kinda cute. What do you
think I should do?
WILL
Um, Jordan is a very open person...I
think you would get the biggest
reaction if you confessed your feelings
for him...today...and then kiss him.
TOM
Kiss him?
WILL
Yeah, right on the tonsils. It would
be sure to seal the deal.
TOM
I don't know.
WILL
Well, think about it... But I have a
feeling my searching is over.
Will smiles wickedly.
CUT TO:
INT. BOOKSTORE - SAME
STACY is standing at a shelf. She is deeply concentrating
on reading the book in her hands. Suddenly a little clown
doll is place on her shoulder.
VOICE (O.S.)
The paper boat, Georgie!
Stacy jumps and turns to see MARILYN.
STACY
OH JESUS!
MARILYN
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
STACY
Oh, man...Marilyn?
MARILYN
Yep. It's me.
STACY
Wow. I haven't seen you in...(thinks)
months.
MARILYN
I haven't seen much of you either.
Either we just don't see each other
much or your very successfully
avoiding me.
STACY
Well, it's just been hectic in my
life. I've been really focusing on my
graduation in the Spring.
Pause. Marilyn realizes something.
MARILYN
Wait, what the hell are you doing
here? Isn't this a school day?
STACY
I've got two free periods a day now
that I'm a senior. What are you doing
here?
MARILYN
Well, I was depressed about how I
looked. So, I came here, saw all the
fat and ugly people and now I don't
feel so bad.
Stacy smiles.
MARILYN
Actually, I'm looking for a book.
STACY
What book?
MARILYN
"A Buddhist's Perspective on
Bisexuality."
Stacy smiles but also seems confused.
STACY
What the hell kind of book is that?
MARILYN
Interesting. You should check the
chapter out about "choosing a side."
STACY
Why are you getting a book about...
bisexuality? I thought you were,
(quietly) gay.
MARILYN
Doesn't mean I can't enjoy a good
read.
Pause.
MARILYN
What are you looking for?
STACY
Um...a big book.
MARILYN
What big book.
STACY
Any big book. When I move into my dorm
in college during the fall, I want my
roommate to think I'm an intellectual.
CUT TO:
INT. LUNCHROOM - DAY
Chris and Will are waiting in the lunch line, talking.
CHRIS
Have you taken that stupid personality
test in the school paper yet?
WILL
I've been occupied.
CHRIS
With what?
WILL
Guilt. It's sorta my fault that these
two people broke up and how I have to
find a new boyfriend for one of them.
CHRIS
What self respecting girl would ever
let you play matchmaker for her?
WILL
Thomas Laurence.
CHRIS
You can't set her up with him, he’s
gay.
WILL
I’m not setting up a girl with
someone, I’m setting him with someone.
And guess who he’s interested in.
CHRIS
Who?
WILL
Jordan Jones.
This shocks Chris.
CHRIS
Jordan Jones is the biggest bigot in
this county.
WILL
I know...(smiling) isn't it funny?
CHRIS
Will, this is a death sentence for him.
Do you have any idea what Jordan will
do if he is asked out by a boy. I
mean he has trouble looking at another
guy, incase he’ll have a homosexual
thought.
Will starts to regret his joke.
WILL
What do we do?
CHRIS
We have to stop him.
WILL
All right. Let's stop him before he does
something Jordan will regret the rest of
his life.
They put down their lunch trays and walk out of the
lunchroom. They run into Brock, Reicther and Joel
heading in.
REICTHER
Where are you going?
WILL
Preventing gay love.
Will and Chris leave.
JOEL
Oh...snap.
Reicther and Brock ignore him and walk into the
lunchroom without him.
REICTHER
I really don't want to go the job
interview.
BROCK
Then don't.
REICTHER
I have to. My mom called in, said I
would be there.
BROCK
Oh.
Pause.
REICTHER
That's it? "Oh."
BROCK
What do you expect?
They reach the table. Casey and Brian are all ready they,
eating.
CASEY
Why don't you give a bad interview?
REICTHER
How bad?
BRIAN
Why don't you just act like you do when
bored...that should annoy him.
CASEY
Why don't be real disgusting.
REICTHER
How disgusting?
CASEY
Well...chew gum really loud.
BRIAN
Repeat yourself, over and over again.
CASEY
Tell them you "hear" voices.
BRIAN
Say you have tarots and scream
obscenities.
BROCK
OR how about you tell you don't want
the job.
REICTHER
Well, if I want to go the easy way.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Will and Chris are there now, they turn to see down at the
very end of the very long hallway, Tom in the middle of his
rant.
WILL
We're to late. There's nothing we can
do now.
Tom continues his speech because his back is to Will and
Chris and cant see them.
TOM
So basically what I’m saying is I’ve
noticed you around the school and
recently broke up with my boyfriend,
and wanted to know, if you were
interested, that I am interested... in
you. And want to do this...
Tom leans in to Jordan and kisses him on his lips. Chris
and Will look on, astounded.
WILL
Well isn't that ironic and disturbing
enough to be describing it to a shrink.
CHRIS
Yep.
WILL
Let's go tell him before he freaks
out.
They start to walk to Jordan and Tom, who is pulling away
from Jordan after the kiss.
TOM
(smiling)
Well.
Jordan stands there for a moment, then all of a sudden
Jordan gives Tom a kiss, moving him up against the locker.
Chris and Will stop in their tracks. Stunned, Will and
Chris turn around and walk the other way. In the background
Tom and Jordan still kiss.
CHRIS
Your locker is seeing a lot of action,
Will.
WILL
Shut the fuck up!
CUT TO:
INT. BOOKSTORE - LITTLE LATER
Stacy is walking down an aisle. She is deeply into reading
the book in her hands, "A Buddhist's Perspective on
Bisexuality."
STACY
My God.
MARILYN (O.S.)
Good ain't it.
STACY
Um...interesting...to say the least.
Marilyn enters the aisle.
STACY
So this was a monk who was a bisexual?
MARILYN
He struggled for years about whether
he was gay or not. Then he realized,
that maybe it's okay to like...both.
Some say, he's the one who
revolutionized bisexuality.
STACY
(sarcastically)
An honor I'm sure anyone would love to
have.
Pause. Marilyn looks at Stacy.
MARILYN
What do you think of Friday?
STACY
Um...better then Thursday, not as good
as Saturday.
MARILYN
Okay, what do you think of pasta?
STACY
Pasta...(thinks) I like pasta.
MARILYN
Because, on usually on Fridays I make
this really nice Italian pasta. I was
thinking, that I could you stop by and
I could make a some extra for you.
STACY
Oh...
Stacy is taken a back a bit.
STACY
Well...
She seems to be stumped.
STACY
All right. I'll come.
CUT TO:
INT. SHAKE SHOP - AFTERNOON
Reicther enters the empty shop. His boss, RYAN surfaces
from the ground at the sound of the entrance bell.
RYAN
Mr. Reicther.
REICTHER
Yes.
RYAN
Oh, good. Your mom called to make
sure that you arrive alright.
Reicther closes his eyes, annoyed.
REICTHER
I must thank her for that...
RYAN
Alright, come behind here and I’ll
show you around.
Reicther goes through the half door on the side of the
counter.
RYAN (CONT’D)
I’m Ryan.
REICTHER
Reicther.
They shake hands.
RYAN
What’s your first name?
Reicther pauses.
REICTHER
Um, you everyone just calls me
Reicther.
RYAN
Oh, well what do your parents call
you?
REICTHER
Reicther.
RYAN
Okay. Well, we have a very diverse
menu, but a very simple way of making
the shakes.
Ryan points over to a bunch of taps coming out of what
looks like a large refrigerator.
REICTHER
That’s it.
RYAN
Yeah. Chocolate, Vanilla, Strawberry,
Caramel, Mint, and our new favorite
Chocolate Banana Mint. We come up with
a new favorite every couple of months
and put it in there. And if the
customer wants something special just
mix a bunch of them together, and
they’ll never know.
Ryan scratches at a nicotine patch on his arm and looks
at his watch.
RYAN (CONT’D)
You know, it’s so cold that no one has
been here all day, I need a smoke so
can you just stand here, so no one
robs it.
REICTHER
Okay.
RYAN
Thanks.
Ryan leaves. Reicther is alone in the shop. Through the
window in the front of the shop Reicther sees a very
large WOMAN walk up to the shop and enter.
She walks up to the counter.
WOMAN
Do you work here?
REICTHER
(looking for Ryan)
Um...yes.
WOMAN
I have a coupon for a free low fat
double fudge cinnamon nutmeg super
milk shake.
Reicther looks at the coupon, it has expired five months
ago.
REICTHER
I’m sorry, this is expired.
WOMAN
No one will know if you gave it to me.
REICTHER
But it expired.
WOMAN
Listen. I came here with my ‘bring
all the boys to the yard’ milkshake
coupon, and I want my shake!
REICTHER
Alright. What kind do you want?
WOMAN
A low fat double fudge cinnamon nutmeg
super milk shake.
Reicther goes to the back and grabs a cup and looks for the
ingredients.
REICTHER
(to himself)
Crap, we’re out of fudge.
Reicther looks over to the angry woman over the top of the counter.
Reicther mixes a bunch of different flavors together and beings it
back out to the angry woman.
REICTHER (CONT’D)
Here you go.
WOMAN
(sniffs the milkshake)
Thank you.
The Woman walks out the door as Ryan comes back from his
smoke.
RYAN
Did you make a sale?
REICTHER
(thinking)
Yeah.
RYAN
Well Mr. Reicther, I think you got the
job. Now come with me and we’ll get
you your costume.
Ryan leads Reicther to the back. Reicther looks upset.
REICTHER
Great.
CUT TO:
(MUSIC MONTAGE: John Mayer's "Daughters" plays in the
background.)
EXT. STREETS - AFTERNOON
Will and Chris walk home after detention. There is a lot of
snow piled up everywhere, and they have trouble walking in
some places.
WILL
It was a bitch cleaning up that foam
from the fire extinguisher.
CHRIS
Probably would have been easier if you
didn’t have a bitch over your shoulder
the whole time.
Behind a very tall snow pile they hear what sounds like
someone crying. Will and Chris walk over. It is Tom and he
is crying.
WILL
Tom! Is Jordan under there?
TOM
No. He broke up with me.
WILL
But the two of you were making dents
in my locker like an hour ago. What
happened?
TOM
I’m a democrat.
CHRIS
Okay, does this normally come within
the first five minutes of a
conversation?
TOM
We went back to my locker to get my
cell phone and he saw a John Kerry for
President sticker on the door.
CHRIS
You still have a John Kerry sticker
up?
TOM
(to Will)
Anyway, after he saw it he started
harassing me asking how I could
support that flip-flopping, troop
hating, New England, elite, liberal,
communist, bastard.
WILL
How, who would have thought.
TOM
I know, you just cant tell. Well,
thanks for trying Will.
(notices Chris)
Hi, what’s your name.
CHRIS
Hey, I may be black and British, but
I’m straight.
TOM
Okay, well see you later.
WILL
Bye.
Will and Chris continue to walk home.
CHRIS
Is he ever going to find out that you
knew about Jordan?
WILL
Well, I didn’t. He may hate gays, but
judging by the way he kissed Tom today,
he is one.
CHRIS
I wonder how long he is going to
struggle with it until he comes out.
WILL
Four more years.
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT
A PINK CAR pulls up.
EXT. APARTMENT COMPEX - MAINDOOR WAY - SECONDS LATER
Stacy walks up to the door and hits one of the buzzer
buttons next to her. She seems to be nervous. She closes
her eyes and takes a deep breath.
STACY
I wonder if I'm suppose to use protection
if I have sex with her.
FADE OUT:
We hear a door open.
(THE SONG FADES OUT.)
END OF EPISODE
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