This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
THE LUNCHROOM
Episode Four
"God Hates Actors"
Written by
Brian Stempian
Created by
Bruce Snyder
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Bruce Snyder
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Vincent Biga
CAST LIST
Will Cooper.................................
Joel Mayberry...............................
Brian Vandele...............................
Brock Warner................................
Reicther....................................
Casey Jennings..............................
Chris Hughes................................
Stacy Cifaretto.............................
Mr. John Parker.............................
GUEST CAST LIST
Jordan Jones................................
Katie Jennings..............................
Cathy Phenis................................
William Reicther............................
Mandy.......................................
Ginger......................................
Copyright © Bruce Snyder
TEASER
FADE IN:
EXT. STREET – AFTERNOON
Casey's sister, KATIE is seen walking along a sun-drenched
street under various dead trees and crisp, yellow
leaves. She is in her girl scout uniform with requisite
boxes of girl scout cookies. She goes up to a house and
rings the doorbell. Sounds of a grumpy someone come to
pass, and a NICE OLD LADY opens the door.
KATIE
Hello, would you like to purchase
some girl scout cookies today,
miss?
OLD LADY
No.
The door is promptly slammed shut. A car pulls up in
back of her, rather quickly. A black van. It screeches
to a halt as it gets to her. The passenger side window
rolls down. A girl, MANDY, pokes her head out.
MANDY
Hey, kid!
KATIE
Yes?
MANDY
You don't go to Centerville
Elementary School, do you?
KATIE
Yes.
MANDY
Oh. Are you in...uh, Troop
Bluebird?
KATIE
Yes.
MANDY
Could you come over here, please?
Casey’s Sister walks over to the van, when the side door
is swung open and three girls in ski masks grab her.
They push her in the van where three other scared girl
scouts are sitting, and close the door.
The van burns rubber as it drives off.
OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE:
Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the
credits.
AFTER CREDITS:
INT. REICTHER'S ROOM - MORNING
Text: 'MONDAY'
Reicther is sleeping on his mattress. His bed is in
disarray, to tell of a bad nights sleep. His father,
WILLIAM enters, excited.
WILLIAM
Wake up, son. Time for school.
Reicther groggily rises.
REICTHER
Why are you suddenly so excited
about me going to school?
WILLIAM
(still beaming)
How'd you sleep?
REICTHER
Not so good. Why?
WILLIAM
I switched mattresses.
REICTHER
What?
WILLIAM
Last week, I ordered us those new
Sleep Number mattresses, you know,
the ones where you can adjust –
REICTHER
The comfort level by number, yes.
WILLIAM
I threw out all the old dirty
mattresses.
REICTHER
But...Those weren’t dirty. Or...Old.
WILLIAM
From now on, we will never have a
hard nights sleep again! We can
find our perfect sleep pattern by
number!
REICTHER
That’s great, da –
WILLIAM
I'm a 37. Aren’t you curious as to
what your number is?
REICTHER
Yes. Yes, I am.
INT. JENNING'S HOME – SAME
Casey is eating breakfast at the table. Katie is sitting
across from him. Near her is a few boxes of cookies.
CASEY
They grabbed you and held you captive?
KATIE
Yeah.
CASEY
For how long?
KATIE
Only a few hours. They let me go
when I was suppose to come home.
CASEY
I think those girls are taking
things a little bit too far.
KATIE
Now I'm in trouble. I was suppose
to all these boxes by the end of
the week.
CASEY
Why can't you?
KATIE
Well, probably because those girls
will be after me.
CASEY
Well...you seem to be in a bad
situation.
KATIE
Wait! Casey! You could help me!
CASEY
Could I help you, yes...will I help,
probably not.
KATIE
C'mon, Casey. Help me out. I'm your
sister.
CASEY
Sorry, but no.
KATIE
Casey if you don't help me, I'm
telling mom.
CASEY
Now damn it, that's not fair. You
know telling on you doesn't work
with mom anymore.
KATIE
Well, I guess your only option is
to help me.
CASEY
Damn it.
Pause.
CASEY
Okay. What do you need from me?
INT. LUNCHROOM – MORNING
Will, Casey, Brock, Reicther, Brian, and Casey sit
around a table. Will is looking a paper.
WILL
Hey guys, listen to this. Some
school in Wisconsin or something is
gonna try to start expelling kids
for being involved in tight knit
groups.
BRIAN
Well, we're doomed.
REICTHER
Nah.
BROCK
Why not?
REICTHER
We have Chris.
CHRIS
Hey. Don't act like I'm not here.
That humor only works outside of
the group. Inside’s off limits, you
know that, c'mon.
Casey arrives. He sits down and drops two boxes of
cookies onto the table.
WILL
I knew you would bring in nothing but
cookies if your mom let you pack
your lunch.
CASEY
It's not that. I agreed to help out
my sister in selling some of her
girl scout cookies.
BROCK
(confused)
Why?
CASEY
Oh you know, blackmail. The usual
family squabbles – Hey anyone want
some vanilla wafers?
Everyone looks at him.
CHRIS
You are a sad little man.
INT. MR. PARKER'S CLASSROOM – LATER
MR. PARKER is writing down stuff on the blackboard, when
we see Stacy walk through the door with a giant book.
She slams it down on his desk.
PARKER
Ah, Raggedy Anne. How may I assist
you?
STACY
I have a big problem, Mr. Parker.
And I was wondering if you could
help.
PARKER
Oh, I can help...but do you have
the patience to learn?
Stacy looks confused.
STACY
(greatly confused)
You don't even know what I’m going
to ask you yet.
PARKER
I know. That's just some crap I
stole from "Dead Poetic's Society."
I've been waiting for an
opportunity to play out this
cinematic mentor role for a while.
She just stares at him.
PARKER
All right, what's the problem.
STACY
I haven't chosen a college yet.
PARKER
When do you graduate?
STACY
At the end of the year.
PARKER
Wow. You seem plucked, fucked, and
ready for the oven.
STACY
Please, I need your help.
PARKER
All right. I'll help
(quietly)
God forbid you take this to your
guidance counselor.
STACY
What?
PARKER
Nothing. Come, sit.
EXT. SCHOOL – MINUTES LATER
Establishing shot. The bell rings.
INT. STUDY HALL
Will and Chris are reading from one script.
WILL
Why do we have only one script?
CHRIS
The printer broke. Ms. Oaks decided
to make all of Drama kids share one
script. Welcome to the word of theater.
WILL
Musical theater.
A boy pops his head up as if on cue. It is none other
than JORDAN JONES. He looks at them.
JORDAN
Will, I never knew you were gay.
WILL
What?
JORDAN
Seriously, I never pegged you as a
sinner. Well, you know what I mean.
CHRIS
Here we go.
JORDAN
No, no, seriously, Will, you may
want to reconsider this.
WILL
I'm not gay, crack head. Neither is
Chris or anyone else in - well,
maybe some of them are.
JORDAN
Men were not made to sing.
CHRIS
What the fuck are talking about?
JORDAN
That's what women are for.
CHRIS
You know what? I think God invented
abortion to stop the propagation of
stupid people. You think so, Will?
INT. WEIGHT ROOM – LITTLE LATER
Joel is sitting on a chair. He has his leg lifted onto a
another chair. Next to him is Cathy. Joel seems to be
showing off his wounds.
JOEL
So before I know it, they pop out,
grab me and begin to hurt over and
over again with this big thick
books.
CATHY
Oh my God. Is it just on your leg?
JOEL
Oh no. They got me every where else.
Back, arms, everyplace.
CATHY
How long are those marks going to
be on your body?
JOEL
Week or so. It's not that bad.
CATHY
Have you used the Icy Hot yet?
JOEL
Icy Hot?
CATHY
Yeah. Here, I'll show you.
Cathy walks over to the wall. She opens up the medical
box. She grabs something and comes back.
CATHY
Okay, lift up your arm a bit.
Joel does so. Cathy then wraps the item around his
shoulder.
CATHY
This how this works. First this is
going to freeze your arm until it's
numb and then heat up to relax it.
She waits a few seconds.
CATHY
How you feeling.
Joel smiles.
JOEL
Much better.
Cathy smiles.
CATHY
Happy to help.
Joel looks at her and then begins to stare at the wall.
His face of happiness turns to guilt.
INT. REICTHER'S ROOM – NEXT DAY
Text: 'TUESDAY'
Reicther wakes up. He obviously did not sleep well.
REICTHER
Okay...so its not 43.
Reicther gets up and goes to leave his room. He then
turns his head. The bed seems to be mocking him.
REICTHER
You have won this round.
INT. STUDY HALL – LATER
Jordan is talking to Will and Chris, now at the same
table as them.
JORDAN
It's like some sort of vampire-run
circus. They bring new members in
every so often, suck their blood,
and viola, new circus member.
WILL
So...you equate vampires to gays?
JORDAN
And the circus to theater.
CHRIS
Why do you persist in talking to
us? We have stuff to memorize for
Drama class.
JORDAN
God hates you. I'm sorry, it's just
the truth.
WILL
Jordan, one of these days, someone
is going to punch your lights out.
JORDAN
They'll probably be a sinner.
WILL
Your mom and dad are going to die
someday.
Jordan goes silent.
WILL
Then where will you get your
hateful propaganda?
Jordan turns around, to his table.
EXT. STREET – AFTER SCHOOL
Casey and Katie are walking along the street sidewalk.
CASEY
Okay, how do we do this.
KATIE
Just go up to the door, knock, and
ask them if they want cookies.
CASEY
That's it? Sounds easy.
Casey is about to go up to a house, before Katie stops
him.
KATIE
Wait.
She takes off her sash and puts it on Casey. Casey seems
deeply disturbed.
CASEY
Katie...sister of mine...get this
off me.
KATIE
Casey, they've got to know what
troop you represent. They've got to
know it's Bluebird cookies.
CASEY
I agreed to help you, but not to
this.
KATIE
Oh, c'mon Casey.
CASEY
Forget it I'm not doing it.
INT. HOUSE – MINUTES LATER
A knock on the door. A hand opens it, and Casey, in the
sash and now a blue girl's scout hat, stands there.
CASEY
Hello, may I interest you in buying
some girl scout cookies today?
Pause.
CASEY
Seriously.
Pause.
CASEY
Look, my little sister stole my
wallet and won’t give it back until
I get someone to bu –
MAN (O.S.)
How'd she get away with stealing
your wallet?
Casey looks embarrassed.
INT. REICTHER’S ROOM – NEXT DAY
Text: 'Wednesday'
Reicther is wide awake. His eyes are red. One twitches.
INT. MR. PARKER'S CLASSROOM – LATER
Stacy is sitting at a desk in an empty classroom. Mr.
Parker is sitting behind his desk. Near Stacy, is
Greasy sandwich. She picks it up and takes a bit. Mr. Parker
looks up. She notices.
STACY
I'm sorry for eating.
PARKER
No, that's all right. It's what
your eating that bothers me.
STACY
What's wrong with it?
PARKER
It's greasy and bad for you.
Haven't you heard you are what you
eat?
STACY
Well, then. I guess I'm easy, fast,
and cheap.
She smiles. Parker sighs.
STACY
I'm done.
PARKER
Let me see.
Stacy gets up, walks over, and hands him the paper. He
carefully begins to read over it.
PARKER
Hmmm...
(confused)
You wrote about how much you hate
the tapping of loud keyboards? You
think this is inventive?
Pause.
STACY
Yeah.
PARKER
You think this will get you into UC
Santa Cruz?
STACY
...No, I think it will get me into
Princeton. It shows I’m unique...
and stuff.
PARKER
No, no, you don’t want to go to
Princeton.
STACY
Why not?
PARKER
Well, it’s because Princeton is an
Ivy League, and everyone knows
those schools brainwash you into
conformity.
STACY
Brainwash as in straight-laced?
PARKER
Brainwash as in machines.
Silence.
PARKER
I was joking, Raggedy Anne.
STACY
Mr. Parker, I wouldn’t want to go
to UC Santa Cruz. It’s a druggie
school.
PARKER
Oh, no. That is a rumor started by
the man to keep California and its
love of freedom down.
Silence. Parker hands it back.
PARKER
Probably should do this essay again.
EXT. STREET – LATER
Casey, in girl scout sash and hat, is walking along the
sidewalk with Katie. A black van pulls up beside him and
begins strolling with him. The window rolls down and
GINGER pops her head out.
GINGER
Casey Jennings, I presume.
CASEY
The Mod Squad, I take it.
Casey leans into Katie.
CASEY
Who's that?
KATIE
One of the girls who tried to stop
me.
GINGER
You better stop selling cookies, or
you're going to regret it.
CASEY
You have a sister in Troop Polar
Bear, right? Sandra Adams?
GINGER
Yeah, why?
CASEY
If you don't leave me and my sister
alone, I'm going to have my friends
give her a little make-over that's
going make her look like a corner
store whore.
GINGER
Liar.
Casey gives her a creepy smile.
CASEY
She's gonna look pretty.
GINGER
You wouldn’t!
CASEY
It’s amazing what you can get
people to do if you pay them two
hundred dollars. Now, I have some
cookies to sell.
INT. LUNCHROOM – NEXT DAY
Chris, Brock, Will, and Reicther sit, eating.
WILL
Jordan Jones has been bothering us
in study hall.
BROCK
Ignore him. He's a moron.
WILL
He thinks I'm gay.
REICTHER
(faintly)
...Mattress...
JOEL
What?
REICTHER
The day will be mine.
JOEL
You okay, Reicther?
REICTHER
(snapping out of it)
What?
Reicther’s eye twitches.
REICTHER
I'm fine.
CHRIS
You don’t look –
REICTHER
I'm fine!
The eye twitches again as he holds himself.
INT. STUDY HALL - LATER
Will and Chris are working. Jordan rolls up on his
chair.
JORDAN
I though I’d give this one last try.
Chris and Will both give off sighs of annoyance.
JORDAN
I know you two don’t especially
like me, but I think you’ll come
around...
(brings out a bible)
...once you hear the word of the
Lord.
CHRIS
Jesus titty fucking Christ...and
some people go to school to get
smarter.
JORDAN
Look, here's why actors are gay.
They wear women's clothing –
WILL
Sometimes they do wear nylon,
correct, but most of the time its
just tights.
JORDAN
Most plays have gay characters.
WILL
That’s because the plays with gay
characters have gay characters
either because there are gays in
real life or it’s based on a gay
person! Or both!
Jordan seems confused for a second, but goes back
on subject.
JORDAN
I went over the singing.
WILL
Look, Jordan...this is me not caring.
JORDAN
I’m trying to save you!
WILL
I'm not gay!
JORDAN
Oh, they all say that!
CHRIS
Jordan, you have serious issues.
The first one is that you need to
get over yourself. The second one...
its no more an issue rather than
the gay kids are coming over to
beat you up.
Jordan turns. A group of students are hovering over him.
JORDAN
Hello.
KID
We're gonna fuck you up.
JORDAN
Oh god! They’re going to rape me!
INT. HOUSE – LATER
A door opens. Casey is there.
CASEY
Hello, ma’am, would you like to buy
some delicious girl scout cookies?
INT. HOUSE – MINUTES LATER
Another door open. Casey again.
CASEY
Hello, sir, would you like to buy
some delicious girl scout cookies?
EXT. SCHOOL - FRONT
The gang (Chris, Brock, Will, Reicther) all hang around
the front steps.
WILL
I'm hungry. You guys wanna get
something to eat?
REICTHER
I'm sorry, guys. I cannot eat nor
sleep.
(eye twitch)
I have this sleep numbers mattress.
CHRIS
Oh, the one where you can adjust
your comfort level for a perfect
nights sleep.
REICTHER
That'd be the one.
Chris notices something.
CHRIS
I think your eyes are secreting
tears. Have you been sleeping?
REICTHER
Why? Why do you want to know? Do
you think I'm crazy? Is that what
you think, you British wanker?
INT. REICTHER’S HOUSE – NEXT DAY
Text: 'THURSDAY'
Text: 'JUDGEMENT DAY'
Reicther is sitting in a swivel chair, looking at the
mattress. His hands are clasped together as he is in
deep thought. William opens the door.
WILLIAM
Hey, son –
REICTHER
Ssssh. I'm thinking.
William slowly closes the door. Reicther continues.
INT. CASEY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN – LATER
Casey and his Katie are in the middle of a heated
argument.
CASEY
You’re dropping out?
KATIE
I’m still going to be a Bluebird.
CASEY
But selling cookies IS being a
Bluebird.
KATIE
Casey, something occurred to me.
Competition brings out the worst
in people. I want to compete, yeah,
but it’s not worth getting that
angry over. Nothing is worth
loosing yourself.
CASEY
But, but what about the trip to
Disneyworld that we wanted?
KATIE
We?
CASEY
I meant 'we' as in the troop.
KATIE
But you’re not part of the troop.
CASEY
You're missing the point! What
about the prizes? The bottle of
sour worms? The squirt guns?
KATIE
All material.
CASEY
Alright.
(kneels down)
Sis, we have a gift. I didn’t want
to believe it, I couldn’t believe
it, at first. But now. Now is
different. I have felt its power.
We have to use the seller gene
within for the powers of good. Not
evil.
KATIE
Evil being...?
CASEY
Not selling.
INT. REICTHER’S HOUSE
Text: 'FRIDAY'
Text: '...THE DAY AFTER JUDGEMENT DAY'
Reicther is sleeping peacefully on an old mattress.
William opens the door.
WILLIAM
Where's the sleep number?
REICTHER
Oh, I threw it out.
WILLIAM
Where’d you get that one?
REICTHER
It's my old mattress.
WILLIAM
But I threw it out. The dump truck
took it to the dump.
Reicther smiles.
REICTHER
I know.
INT. SCHOOL- THE LUNCHROOM – NEXT DAY
The gang sits around the table.
CASEY
You know what? I think I learned
something this week.
WILL
Me too. Bigots suck.
They are look at him.
CHRIS
That one's good.
JOEL
Yeah.
WILL
What was it that you learned,
Casey?
CASEY
I forgot.
FADE OUT
END OF EPISODE
("Listen to What The Man Said" by Paul McCartney plays
over the End Credits.)
Return to Simply Scripts