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THE LUNCHROOM Episode Four "God Hates Actors" Written by Brian Stempian Created by Bruce Snyder EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Bruce Snyder EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Vincent Biga CAST LIST Will Cooper................................. Joel Mayberry............................... Brian Vandele............................... Brock Warner................................ Reicther.................................... Casey Jennings.............................. Chris Hughes................................ Stacy Cifaretto............................. Mr. John Parker............................. GUEST CAST LIST Jordan Jones................................ Katie Jennings.............................. Cathy Phenis................................ William Reicther............................ Mandy....................................... Ginger...................................... Copyright © Bruce Snyder TEASER FADE IN: EXT. STREET – AFTERNOON Casey's sister, KATIE is seen walking along a sun-drenched street under various dead trees and crisp, yellow leaves. She is in her girl scout uniform with requisite boxes of girl scout cookies. She goes up to a house and rings the doorbell. Sounds of a grumpy someone come to pass, and a NICE OLD LADY opens the door. KATIE Hello, would you like to purchase some girl scout cookies today, miss? OLD LADY No. The door is promptly slammed shut. A car pulls up in back of her, rather quickly. A black van. It screeches to a halt as it gets to her. The passenger side window rolls down. A girl, MANDY, pokes her head out. MANDY Hey, kid! KATIE Yes? MANDY You don't go to Centerville Elementary School, do you? KATIE Yes. MANDY Oh. Are you in...uh, Troop Bluebird? KATIE Yes. MANDY Could you come over here, please? Casey’s Sister walks over to the van, when the side door is swung open and three girls in ski masks grab her. They push her in the van where three other scared girl scouts are sitting, and close the door. The van burns rubber as it drives off. OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE: Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the credits. AFTER CREDITS: INT. REICTHER'S ROOM - MORNING Text: 'MONDAY' Reicther is sleeping on his mattress. His bed is in disarray, to tell of a bad nights sleep. His father, WILLIAM enters, excited. WILLIAM Wake up, son. Time for school. Reicther groggily rises. REICTHER Why are you suddenly so excited about me going to school? WILLIAM (still beaming) How'd you sleep? REICTHER Not so good. Why? WILLIAM I switched mattresses. REICTHER What? WILLIAM Last week, I ordered us those new Sleep Number mattresses, you know, the ones where you can adjust – REICTHER The comfort level by number, yes. WILLIAM I threw out all the old dirty mattresses. REICTHER But...Those weren’t dirty. Or...Old. WILLIAM From now on, we will never have a hard nights sleep again! We can find our perfect sleep pattern by number! REICTHER That’s great, da – WILLIAM I'm a 37. Aren’t you curious as to what your number is? REICTHER Yes. Yes, I am. INT. JENNING'S HOME – SAME Casey is eating breakfast at the table. Katie is sitting across from him. Near her is a few boxes of cookies. CASEY They grabbed you and held you captive? KATIE Yeah. CASEY For how long? KATIE Only a few hours. They let me go when I was suppose to come home. CASEY I think those girls are taking things a little bit too far. KATIE Now I'm in trouble. I was suppose to all these boxes by the end of the week. CASEY Why can't you? KATIE Well, probably because those girls will be after me. CASEY Well...you seem to be in a bad situation. KATIE Wait! Casey! You could help me! CASEY Could I help you, yes...will I help, probably not. KATIE C'mon, Casey. Help me out. I'm your sister. CASEY Sorry, but no. KATIE Casey if you don't help me, I'm telling mom. CASEY Now damn it, that's not fair. You know telling on you doesn't work with mom anymore. KATIE Well, I guess your only option is to help me. CASEY Damn it. Pause. CASEY Okay. What do you need from me? INT. LUNCHROOM – MORNING Will, Casey, Brock, Reicther, Brian, and Casey sit around a table. Will is looking a paper. WILL Hey guys, listen to this. Some school in Wisconsin or something is gonna try to start expelling kids for being involved in tight knit groups. BRIAN Well, we're doomed. REICTHER Nah. BROCK Why not? REICTHER We have Chris. CHRIS Hey. Don't act like I'm not here. That humor only works outside of the group. Inside’s off limits, you know that, c'mon. Casey arrives. He sits down and drops two boxes of cookies onto the table. WILL I knew you would bring in nothing but cookies if your mom let you pack your lunch. CASEY It's not that. I agreed to help out my sister in selling some of her girl scout cookies. BROCK (confused) Why? CASEY Oh you know, blackmail. The usual family squabbles – Hey anyone want some vanilla wafers? Everyone looks at him. CHRIS You are a sad little man. INT. MR. PARKER'S CLASSROOM – LATER MR. PARKER is writing down stuff on the blackboard, when we see Stacy walk through the door with a giant book. She slams it down on his desk. PARKER Ah, Raggedy Anne. How may I assist you? STACY I have a big problem, Mr. Parker. And I was wondering if you could help. PARKER Oh, I can help...but do you have the patience to learn? Stacy looks confused. STACY (greatly confused) You don't even know what I’m going to ask you yet. PARKER I know. That's just some crap I stole from "Dead Poetic's Society." I've been waiting for an opportunity to play out this cinematic mentor role for a while. She just stares at him. PARKER All right, what's the problem. STACY I haven't chosen a college yet. PARKER When do you graduate? STACY At the end of the year. PARKER Wow. You seem plucked, fucked, and ready for the oven. STACY Please, I need your help. PARKER All right. I'll help (quietly) God forbid you take this to your guidance counselor. STACY What? PARKER Nothing. Come, sit. EXT. SCHOOL – MINUTES LATER Establishing shot. The bell rings. INT. STUDY HALL Will and Chris are reading from one script. WILL Why do we have only one script? CHRIS The printer broke. Ms. Oaks decided to make all of Drama kids share one script. Welcome to the word of theater. WILL Musical theater. A boy pops his head up as if on cue. It is none other than JORDAN JONES. He looks at them. JORDAN Will, I never knew you were gay. WILL What? JORDAN Seriously, I never pegged you as a sinner. Well, you know what I mean. CHRIS Here we go. JORDAN No, no, seriously, Will, you may want to reconsider this. WILL I'm not gay, crack head. Neither is Chris or anyone else in - well, maybe some of them are. JORDAN Men were not made to sing. CHRIS What the fuck are talking about? JORDAN That's what women are for. CHRIS You know what? I think God invented abortion to stop the propagation of stupid people. You think so, Will? INT. WEIGHT ROOM – LITTLE LATER Joel is sitting on a chair. He has his leg lifted onto a another chair. Next to him is Cathy. Joel seems to be showing off his wounds. JOEL So before I know it, they pop out, grab me and begin to hurt over and over again with this big thick books. CATHY Oh my God. Is it just on your leg? JOEL Oh no. They got me every where else. Back, arms, everyplace. CATHY How long are those marks going to be on your body? JOEL Week or so. It's not that bad. CATHY Have you used the Icy Hot yet? JOEL Icy Hot? CATHY Yeah. Here, I'll show you. Cathy walks over to the wall. She opens up the medical box. She grabs something and comes back. CATHY Okay, lift up your arm a bit. Joel does so. Cathy then wraps the item around his shoulder. CATHY This how this works. First this is going to freeze your arm until it's numb and then heat up to relax it. She waits a few seconds. CATHY How you feeling. Joel smiles. JOEL Much better. Cathy smiles. CATHY Happy to help. Joel looks at her and then begins to stare at the wall. His face of happiness turns to guilt. INT. REICTHER'S ROOM – NEXT DAY Text: 'TUESDAY' Reicther wakes up. He obviously did not sleep well. REICTHER Okay...so its not 43. Reicther gets up and goes to leave his room. He then turns his head. The bed seems to be mocking him. REICTHER You have won this round. INT. STUDY HALL – LATER Jordan is talking to Will and Chris, now at the same table as them. JORDAN It's like some sort of vampire-run circus. They bring new members in every so often, suck their blood, and viola, new circus member. WILL So...you equate vampires to gays? JORDAN And the circus to theater. CHRIS Why do you persist in talking to us? We have stuff to memorize for Drama class. JORDAN God hates you. I'm sorry, it's just the truth. WILL Jordan, one of these days, someone is going to punch your lights out. JORDAN They'll probably be a sinner. WILL Your mom and dad are going to die someday. Jordan goes silent. WILL Then where will you get your hateful propaganda? Jordan turns around, to his table. EXT. STREET – AFTER SCHOOL Casey and Katie are walking along the street sidewalk. CASEY Okay, how do we do this. KATIE Just go up to the door, knock, and ask them if they want cookies. CASEY That's it? Sounds easy. Casey is about to go up to a house, before Katie stops him. KATIE Wait. She takes off her sash and puts it on Casey. Casey seems deeply disturbed. CASEY Katie...sister of mine...get this off me. KATIE Casey, they've got to know what troop you represent. They've got to know it's Bluebird cookies. CASEY I agreed to help you, but not to this. KATIE Oh, c'mon Casey. CASEY Forget it I'm not doing it. INT. HOUSE – MINUTES LATER A knock on the door. A hand opens it, and Casey, in the sash and now a blue girl's scout hat, stands there. CASEY Hello, may I interest you in buying some girl scout cookies today? Pause. CASEY Seriously. Pause. CASEY Look, my little sister stole my wallet and won’t give it back until I get someone to bu – MAN (O.S.) How'd she get away with stealing your wallet? Casey looks embarrassed. INT. REICTHER’S ROOM – NEXT DAY Text: 'Wednesday' Reicther is wide awake. His eyes are red. One twitches. INT. MR. PARKER'S CLASSROOM – LATER Stacy is sitting at a desk in an empty classroom. Mr. Parker is sitting behind his desk. Near Stacy, is Greasy sandwich. She picks it up and takes a bit. Mr. Parker looks up. She notices. STACY I'm sorry for eating. PARKER No, that's all right. It's what your eating that bothers me. STACY What's wrong with it? PARKER It's greasy and bad for you. Haven't you heard you are what you eat? STACY Well, then. I guess I'm easy, fast, and cheap. She smiles. Parker sighs. STACY I'm done. PARKER Let me see. Stacy gets up, walks over, and hands him the paper. He carefully begins to read over it. PARKER Hmmm... (confused) You wrote about how much you hate the tapping of loud keyboards? You think this is inventive? Pause. STACY Yeah. PARKER You think this will get you into UC Santa Cruz? STACY ...No, I think it will get me into Princeton. It shows I’m unique... and stuff. PARKER No, no, you don’t want to go to Princeton. STACY Why not? PARKER Well, it’s because Princeton is an Ivy League, and everyone knows those schools brainwash you into conformity. STACY Brainwash as in straight-laced? PARKER Brainwash as in machines. Silence. PARKER I was joking, Raggedy Anne. STACY Mr. Parker, I wouldn’t want to go to UC Santa Cruz. It’s a druggie school. PARKER Oh, no. That is a rumor started by the man to keep California and its love of freedom down. Silence. Parker hands it back. PARKER Probably should do this essay again. EXT. STREET – LATER Casey, in girl scout sash and hat, is walking along the sidewalk with Katie. A black van pulls up beside him and begins strolling with him. The window rolls down and GINGER pops her head out. GINGER Casey Jennings, I presume. CASEY The Mod Squad, I take it. Casey leans into Katie. CASEY Who's that? KATIE One of the girls who tried to stop me. GINGER You better stop selling cookies, or you're going to regret it. CASEY You have a sister in Troop Polar Bear, right? Sandra Adams? GINGER Yeah, why? CASEY If you don't leave me and my sister alone, I'm going to have my friends give her a little make-over that's going make her look like a corner store whore. GINGER Liar. Casey gives her a creepy smile. CASEY She's gonna look pretty. GINGER You wouldn’t! CASEY It’s amazing what you can get people to do if you pay them two hundred dollars. Now, I have some cookies to sell. INT. LUNCHROOM – NEXT DAY Chris, Brock, Will, and Reicther sit, eating. WILL Jordan Jones has been bothering us in study hall. BROCK Ignore him. He's a moron. WILL He thinks I'm gay. REICTHER (faintly) ...Mattress... JOEL What? REICTHER The day will be mine. JOEL You okay, Reicther? REICTHER (snapping out of it) What? Reicther’s eye twitches. REICTHER I'm fine. CHRIS You don’t look – REICTHER I'm fine! The eye twitches again as he holds himself. INT. STUDY HALL - LATER Will and Chris are working. Jordan rolls up on his chair. JORDAN I though I’d give this one last try. Chris and Will both give off sighs of annoyance. JORDAN I know you two don’t especially like me, but I think you’ll come around... (brings out a bible) ...once you hear the word of the Lord. CHRIS Jesus titty fucking Christ...and some people go to school to get smarter. JORDAN Look, here's why actors are gay. They wear women's clothing – WILL Sometimes they do wear nylon, correct, but most of the time its just tights. JORDAN Most plays have gay characters. WILL That’s because the plays with gay characters have gay characters either because there are gays in real life or it’s based on a gay person! Or both! Jordan seems confused for a second, but goes back on subject. JORDAN I went over the singing. WILL Look, Jordan...this is me not caring. JORDAN I’m trying to save you! WILL I'm not gay! JORDAN Oh, they all say that! CHRIS Jordan, you have serious issues. The first one is that you need to get over yourself. The second one... its no more an issue rather than the gay kids are coming over to beat you up. Jordan turns. A group of students are hovering over him. JORDAN Hello. KID We're gonna fuck you up. JORDAN Oh god! They’re going to rape me! INT. HOUSE – LATER A door opens. Casey is there. CASEY Hello, ma’am, would you like to buy some delicious girl scout cookies? INT. HOUSE – MINUTES LATER Another door open. Casey again. CASEY Hello, sir, would you like to buy some delicious girl scout cookies? EXT. SCHOOL - FRONT The gang (Chris, Brock, Will, Reicther) all hang around the front steps. WILL I'm hungry. You guys wanna get something to eat? REICTHER I'm sorry, guys. I cannot eat nor sleep. (eye twitch) I have this sleep numbers mattress. CHRIS Oh, the one where you can adjust your comfort level for a perfect nights sleep. REICTHER That'd be the one. Chris notices something. CHRIS I think your eyes are secreting tears. Have you been sleeping? REICTHER Why? Why do you want to know? Do you think I'm crazy? Is that what you think, you British wanker? INT. REICTHER’S HOUSE – NEXT DAY Text: 'THURSDAY' Text: 'JUDGEMENT DAY' Reicther is sitting in a swivel chair, looking at the mattress. His hands are clasped together as he is in deep thought. William opens the door. WILLIAM Hey, son – REICTHER Ssssh. I'm thinking. William slowly closes the door. Reicther continues. INT. CASEY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN – LATER Casey and his Katie are in the middle of a heated argument. CASEY You’re dropping out? KATIE I’m still going to be a Bluebird. CASEY But selling cookies IS being a Bluebird. KATIE Casey, something occurred to me. Competition brings out the worst in people. I want to compete, yeah, but it’s not worth getting that angry over. Nothing is worth loosing yourself. CASEY But, but what about the trip to Disneyworld that we wanted? KATIE We? CASEY I meant 'we' as in the troop. KATIE But you’re not part of the troop. CASEY You're missing the point! What about the prizes? The bottle of sour worms? The squirt guns? KATIE All material. CASEY Alright. (kneels down) Sis, we have a gift. I didn’t want to believe it, I couldn’t believe it, at first. But now. Now is different. I have felt its power. We have to use the seller gene within for the powers of good. Not evil. KATIE Evil being...? CASEY Not selling. INT. REICTHER’S HOUSE Text: 'FRIDAY' Text: '...THE DAY AFTER JUDGEMENT DAY' Reicther is sleeping peacefully on an old mattress. William opens the door. WILLIAM Where's the sleep number? REICTHER Oh, I threw it out. WILLIAM Where’d you get that one? REICTHER It's my old mattress. WILLIAM But I threw it out. The dump truck took it to the dump. Reicther smiles. REICTHER I know. INT. SCHOOL- THE LUNCHROOM – NEXT DAY The gang sits around the table. CASEY You know what? I think I learned something this week. WILL Me too. Bigots suck. They are look at him. CHRIS That one's good. JOEL Yeah. WILL What was it that you learned, Casey? CASEY I forgot. FADE OUT END OF EPISODE ("Listen to What The Man Said" by Paul McCartney plays over the End Credits.)
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