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The Lunchroom
Episode 2x11
"Fahrenheit 7/11"
Teleplay by
Bruce Snyder
and
Alan Holman
Story by
Bruce Snyder
Created by
Bruce Snyder
WARNING: This episode is weirder then usual.
NEW CHARACTER:
ELIZABETH HUGHES - Chris's mom. 34. Long Black hair.
White. Prim and proper. Has English accent. Classic
beauty.
TEASER:
INT. LUNCHROOM – NOON
Brian, Brock, Casey, Reicther, Chris and Joel, sit
around a table, eating and chatting.
Will stumbles up to the table.
JOEL
You okay, Will?
He grabs his head.
WILL
I'm having a dream.
BROCK
I don't believe you.
BROCK transforms into a fish.
WILL
Oh my God!
Slowly, everyone at the table transforms into a
different type of fish. Will gasps in horror.
WILL
I'm in some fucked horrible
nightmare world with fish!
(suddenly happy)
Hey, they're serving grilled cheese
today.
Will quickly sits down and begins to eat some grilled
cheese. All the Fish begin to eat to.
Long Pause.
WILL
Can someone pass the crackers?
OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE:
Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the
credits.
INT. MATH CLASS – LITTLE LATER
Sitting at a table is Rene and Will. Rene is hard at
work on a paper. Will is swallowing a few pills of
Prozac.
RENE
Nervous about something?
WILL
Yes. I'm planning to ask Meadow out
to the spring dance next period.
RENE
Well good for you.
Will swallows more pills.
RENE
How many have you taken Will?
WILL
Well a lot. I'm eating them like
tic-tacs.
RENE
That's probably not a good idea.
WILL
Well, you know me. Mastermind of
good ideas.
Will begins to do a breathing exercise.
WILL
I'm going to try my hardest not to
screw this one up. I've taken my
Prozac. I'm doing my breathing
exercises. I'm ready.
RENE
When are you going to do this?
WILL
Around lunchtime.
The bell rings.
WILL
I guess it's nowish.
Will gets up and leaves.
INT. HOSPITAL – WAITING ROOM - EVENING
The room is packed with young children. Sitting in two
chairs in the corner is Chris, and his mother ELIZABETH
HUGHES. Elizabeth is reading a tabloid magazine.
ELIZABETH
My God. Britney Spears has gotten
fat.
CHRIS
C'mon, mom. Why do you read that
garbage for?
ELIZABETH
It's this, or Pet's weekly. And
this at least has some pretty cool
stuff in it. Did you know that
Batboy was caught smoking in the
boy's room.
A NURSE enters the room.
NURSE
Hughes, Christopher.
Chris and Elizabeth stand up and walk over.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE – MINUTES LATER
Chris is sitting on top of a table. His mother is
sitting in a chair.
CHRIS
How has it been?
ELIZABETH
I don't know but it feels like
forever.
Just then, DR. BAYLISS comes into the room.
BAYLISS
Sorry, to keep you waiting folks. I
just had give someone stitches.
Apparently his ass had a hole in
it.
He has a hardy chuckle over it.
BAYLISS
Just a little medical humor.
Elizabeth smiles a bit. Chris just gives him a look.
BAYLISS
Well, Mrs. Hughes, if you could
step outside I'd like to examine
your boy.
ELIZABETH
Okay.
She gets up and slowly leaves. Bayliss puts on a pair of
rubber gloves.
BAYLISS
Okay, time for you rectal exam, Mr.
Hughes.
CHRIS
My what?!
BAYLISS
Just joking. I'm just going to
check your heart rate.
Chris seems relived.
INT. LUNCHROOM – NOON
Will, Brian, Joel, Brock, Casey, and Reicther are
sitting around the table, chatting and eating.
BROCK
Do you think Disney's cartoon "The
Lion King" ripped-off Osamu
Tezuka's anime "Kimba: The White
Lion"?
Every one looks at him funny.
WILL
What in the hell is a Kimba?
BRIAN
Actually is was based on "Hamlet."
CASEY
Osamu...that sounds like an Arabic
name.
Brian sighs.
BRIAN
(sarcastically)
Oh yeah, Casey. He's an Arabic. And
he has ties to Saudis.
CASEY
That bastard.
WILL
Listen guys. I've got to do
something this lunchroom period.
JOEL
What's this something you've got to
do?
WILL
I'm going to ask Meadow out to the
spring dance.
JOEL
Really now?
WILL
Yep. I'm so hop up on Prozac right
now, I'll be fucking mellow till
they put a woman or a black guy in
the oval office.
Will gets up and leave.
INT. BATHROOM – MINUTES LATER
Will is at the sink, washing his hands. He is whistling.
He finishes up and looks up in the mirror. He jumps.
WILL
HOLY FUCK!!!
The CAMERA PANS quickly to the RIGHT to see famous actor
RICHARD BELZER leaning again the wall.
RICHARD
I wouldn't dry my hands there if I
were you. You know how many germs
on those papers?
WILL
Oh my God! Your detective Munch!
RICHARD
Close but no cigar. I just play him
on TV. I'm Richard Belzer.
Will looks at him.
WILL
Are you here to give like a speech
to the seniors or something?
RICHARD
You think I'm real? (laughs) I like
that.
WILL
You're not real?
RICHARD
I'm just a figment of your hopped
up Prozac mind.
Will laughs.
WILL
(under his breath)
Man...this must be what Kirk sees
all the time.
INT. LUNCHROOM – SAME
Brian, Joel, Brock, Reicther and Casey are around the
table. Eating and chatting.
BRIAN
Well then, who is the prettiest
celebrity?
JOEL
The prettiest? Huh.
Joel seems stumped. The others begin to think.
BRIAN
And please, no one give me that
Britney Spears bullshit. All right.
I mean your personal favorite.
CASEY
All right, I got one.
BRIAN
Okay.
CASEY
Actually, it's two. Either Julianne
Moore –
BROCK
Who's that?
CASEY
The red head from Boogie Nights. Or
the female detective from Special
Victim's Unit. But when she first
started the show with the long
brown hair.
BRIAN
I can see we're going, with the
brown hair and everything. I would
have to say Rachel Leigh Cook.
Because she looks like she could be
just as nerdy as us.
BRIAN
Joel?
JOEL
Oh, what's her name. The girl from
"Speed."
CASEY
Sandra Bullock.
JOEL
Okay. That's it. That's the one.
BROCK
Who would you pick, Reicther?
REICTHER
Easy. The mom from Back to the
Future. Leah Thompson.
Stacy walks up.
STACY
Hey, Brock. Do you that assignment?
BROCK
Yeah, let me go get it.
Brock gets up and leaves. Stacy takes his seat.
CASEY
Stacy, what female celebrity is the
prettiest?
BRIAN
Why are you asking my sister that?
I mean it's not like she's –
STACY
Keira Knightly. She has good looks
but I bet she has a good
personality. And don't worry, Brian.
I'm so confident in my sexuality
I'm able to answer a question like
that.
Brock returns with a paper.
STACY
Thanks. I'll get it back to you
later.
She gets up and leaves. Brian seems a little off by her
comments. The others have just gone back to eating.
JOEL
You know that was going to be my
second choice.
INT. HALLWAY – MINUTES LATER
Will is walking down the hallway, with Richard right
beside him.
WILL
So why you? Out of all the
celebrities that could have visited
me, how come you got the job?
RICHARD
Well, let's think about his for a
moment. I mean, let's say that
instead of me, Tom Hanks or Mel
Gibson came and visited you. Your
mind would be boggled that such
famous talent would come around,
follow you around, listen to your
problems.
WILL
Hey, your pretty famous yourself. I
mean you've been on two successful
series.
RICHARD
Name one other thing I've done.
Will thinks.
WILL
Oh, you were in Wagon's East.
RICHARD
That was Richard Lewis.
WILL
Oh. Sorry.
RICHARD
It's okay. At least you were
thinking about me.
Pause.
WILL
Hey, are you going to follow me
around all day? Because I've got to
do this thing.
RICHARD
Actually I'm going to be for a few
hours. You didn't take that many
pills so I should be gone soon. Why,
what's so important?
WILL
I'm asking a girl out to the spring
dance.
RICHARD
Wow. This seems like something
right out of Leave it to Beaver.
Richard smiles while Will looks annoyed.
RICHARD
I guess that's why you decided to
swallow all those pills.
WILL
I was trying to calm and relax
myself.
RICHARD
What happen to the good ol' days
were if someone wanted to relaxed
they just got themselves something
to drink and laid back in a lazy
boy?
WILL
The medical age happened, my
friend. Now every problem we have
has some kind of pill to solve it.
Kirk walks by.
KIRK
Hey, Will. How's it going, Richard?
RICHARD
You know same shit, different day.
Kirk leaves.
RICHARD
I see that your not surprised by
the fact that Kirk can see me.
WILL
Nothing he does surprises me.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE – SAME
Bayliss is writing something down on his clipboard.
Chris is sitting on the table.
BAYLISS
Okay. Your heart rate is just fine.
Blood pressure is normal. Your
cough sounded fine.
He reads over the paper.
BAYLISS
Okay. Drop your pants.
CHRIS
What?
BAYLISS
Oh I'm sorry
(English accent)
Drop ya'll knickers, mate.
Chris sighs and does so.
CHRIS
I don't understand this. I thought
I we were done with all the testing
I mean I feel perf –
Bayliss quickly grabs Chris' manhood. Chris looks
surprised.
CHRIS
What...in thee sweet chocolate
Christ are you doing?
BAYLISS
Making sure your testicles have a
good long shelf life ahead of them.
CHRIS
Next time why don't you give me
fair warning, doc.
Bayliss begins to examine him. There is an awkward pause.
BAYLISS
So...do you like sports?
CHRIS
Keep your eyes on the prize, doc.
BAYLISS
Sorry.
A worried look comes across Bayliss' face.
BAYLISS
Oh my.
Chris looks worried.
CHRIS
What? What is it?
BAYLISS
This isn't good.
CHRIS
What's the matter, doctor!?
BAYLISS
Their seems to be two lumps.
Bayliss' worried face goes away.
BAYLISS
Oh wait. Those are just your
testicles.
Bayliss starts to chuckle while Chris seems more pissed
off then ever.
INT. LUNCHROOM – SAME
Brian, Joel, Brock, Reicther, and Casey sit around the
table, eating and chatting.
JOEL
Did you see the wreckage from that
car accident that happened in front
of school this morning?
BRIAN
Yeah. She was on her cell-phone
while driving drunk without a
seat-belt.
BROCK
What's your point?
JOEL
My point is: anything can happen,
at any time. No one's safe. This is
metaphorically an explosive
atmosphere. Every moment is the
beginning, middle, and ending, of
many stories that are all being
told at the same time, because –
as Shakespeare said -- the world's
a stage, and we're all actors.
DRAMATIC MUSIC begins to play. Suddenly Reicther farts.
CASEY
(laughs) You farted.
Joel sighs.
INT. HALLWAY – MINUTES LATER
Will and Richard are walking down the hallway.
WILL
Now, if you stand near me while I
do this, you could give me some
help.
Richard turns and goes into another hallway. Will turns
around sees that Richard is gone.
WILL
Richard?
INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY – MINUTES LATER
Richard walks down the hallway, observing the things
around him. He hear yelling coming. The CAMERA PANS to
the RIGHT and we see a heated conversation, between MR.
KLINE and PRINCIPAL STEVENS, from around a corner.
STEVENS
...WELL, MR. KLINE, THAT'S BECAUSE
I DON'T LIKE YOU! I NEVER LIKED
YOU!
KLINE
YOU CAN'T FIRE ME JUST BECAUSE I
DIDN'T WRITE "GO BULLDOGS GO" ON
THE BOARD IN MY SPANISH CLASSROOM!
STEVENS
THEN I'LL FIND ANOTHER REASON TO
FIRE YOU! UNTIL THEN, YOU'RE
SUSPENDED FROM TEACHING IN THIS
SCHOOL!!! GET THE HELL OUT OF THE
BUILDING!!!
Stevens is about to storm off when Richard places his
foot in front of Stevens, tripping him.
INT. HALLWAY – SAME
Meadow is standing by the coke machines. Will walks up,
looking around for Richard.
MEADOW
Hey, Will.
WILL
Hey, Meadow. You haven't seen
Richard Belzer around here have
you?
She presses a button. She then looks at him confused.
MEADOW
Richard Belzer? The actor?
Will realizes what he's said.
WILL
Well actually...it might not have
been. It could have been someone
that looked like him.
Will forces a smile. He looks around. He sees Stacy and
Kirk sitting against the wall. Stacy is working on
homework, while Kirk is eating.
KIRK
The Linkin Park song "In the End"
works perfectly with the video from
the start of Final Fantasy 8.
STACY
Really now?
WILL
(to Meadow)
I'll be right back.
Will walks over.
STACY
Oh thank god it's Will.
WILL
Hey, Kirk. Did you see Richard
around here?
KIRK
Yeah, he went down that hallway.
STACY
Richard?
EXT. SCHOOL – FRONT LAWN – SAME
There are TWO BIG KIDS beating up on a STUDENT. Near by
is a teacher who is deep in reading a paper, and doesn't
notice the two boys fighting. Richard is by the teacher.
RICHARD
Interesting. Each of them is
hitting softly, as if they're
pretending to hit hard, because
they don't really want to hurt him,
and they think that their friends
are hitting harder.
Richard taps the teacher on his shoulder.
RICHARD
Hey, teacher of the year.
The Teacher sees the two and runs over to them.
INT. LUNCHROOM – MINUTES LATER
Brian, Joel, Brock, Reicther, and Casey are sitting
around the table. They have finished eating, and
now just talk.
CASEY
Have you guys seen those Burger
King ads where it says "If it
feels, then do it."
JOEL
What a horrible fucking catchphrase
that is.
BROCK
Doesn't sound that bad.
JOEL
Say a serial rapist hears that.
Then he's going to go out rape a
bunch a girls, because it feels
good.
CASEY
That's exactly why I brought it up,
I mean what kind of –
REICTHER
Chris?
Chris, looking very disturbed by something, slowly
staggers up and sits down at the table.
BRIAN
God, man. You look horrible. What
happened?
CHRIS
Doctor visit that's all.
CASEY
Did something else happened, I mean
you -
CHRIS
NOTHING HAPPENED!!!
INT. HALLWAY, BY THE COKE MACHINES – MINUTES LATER
Will and Meadow are sitting against the machine. Quietly
saying talking to each other. Richard walks up and
stands by Will.
RICHARD
Okay, I'm back. Don't look my way.
Look into her eyes. Keep your eye
on the prize. Okay, I want you to
do every single action I do, and no
questions. Ask her what she is
doing this Saturday but do it
smoothly, like your asking a math
question.
WILL
(very calm and smooth)
Are you doing anything this
Saturday?
MEADOW
Yeah. Actually I'm going to the
dance with my friends.
RICHARD
Okay, Will. Time to pop the million
dollar question.
WILL
Would you like to go the dance,
with me?
Pause.
MEADOW
Yes, of course I'll with you.
WILL
Really?
She nods. They both smile.
MEADOW
I was wondering when you were going
ask.
Will seems confused.
WILL
You were actually waiting for me to
say it?
MEADOW
Yeah. In fact if you weren't going
to ask in like the next few minutes,
I was going to.
The bell rings.
MEADOW
Call me with the details. I've got
to head off to shop.
WILL
Okay.
Meadow walks away, with a big smile across her face.
Richard now walks beside Will.
WILL
That was so much easier since I was
induced in drugs.
RICHARD
Yeah, ain't life wonderful?
WILL
Hey...how much longer are you going
to be hanging around?
RICHARD
Actually, I'm going to hang out
with Kirk the rest of the
afternoon.
Will smiles.
RICHARD
You may think it's silly, but he
can very deep and interesting
sometimes. See ya'.
Richard walks off.
WILL
There goes Richard Belzer...the
biggest badass in the world.
Will watches as Richard slowly walks away.
FADE OUT.
END OF EPISODE
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