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The Lunchroom
Episode 2x09
"Kirk's Party"
Teleplay by
Alan Holman
and
Melinda Waterman &
Trisha Vansickle
and
Bruce Snyder
Story by
Alan Holman
Created by
Bruce Snyder
TEASER:
INT. PRINCIPAL STEVENS' OFFICE – MORNING
STEVENS confronts BRIAN.
STEVENS
I'm glad it wasn't me. It feels
selfish, but I'm glad I'm still
alive. I'm glad it was her, and not
me.
BRIAN
But she really liked you.
STEVENS
Don't say that. I don't wanna get
all weepy in front of you.
BRIAN
Do you think you'll ever get used
to things without her?
STEVENS
It'll take a while.
BRIAN
I know. But look on the bright side.
You're still relatively young so
you've still got a while to take.
STEVENS
Thanks for the kind words. But
they're only words. They won't
bring back my dog.
BRIAN
I'm sorry for stepping on her.
STEVENS
I know. But you're still suspended
for a week.
BRIAN
Damn.
OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE:
Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the
credits.
INT. GEOGRAPHY CLASS – DAY
BROCK and BRIAN sit in a pair, while putting together a
puzzle of the southern states.
BRIAN
It was disgusting. I couldn't look
at my shoe.
BROCK
It's funny. I almost respect
Principal Stevens.
BRIAN
Tell me you didn't say that.
BROCK
More like: tell ME I didn't just
say that. I'll never respect that
guy if...
BROCK grabs his stomach, and groans.
BRIAN
What's wrong?
BROCK
Nothing. Probably just gas, I think.
It's just a constant reminder of
something that I learned last night.
I learned that too much pizza keeps
you up all night.
BRIAN
How much pizza did you have?
BROCK
A lot. I believed I could finish it
all, but it...well, not to sound
corny, but -- instead of finishing
it all, it all finished me.
BRIAN
That was corny.
BROCK
Yeah.
BRIAN
This puzzle's beginning to look
great.
BROCK
Great?
BRIAN
It seems like only yesterday when
we began this damn thing.
BROCK
So why's it so "great"?
BRIAN
Because I can't wait to move on
with my life.
MR. ZIMMER walks up and stands in front of the class
room.
ZIMMER
Okay. Now, for some bonus points I
want someone to tell me who scored
the winning touch down at last
night's football game.
Everyone, except Brock and Brian, raise their hands.
ZIMMER
Brock. Name the player.
BROCK
Excuse me?
ZIMMER
Brock. You can earn bonus marks if
you contribute to the class
discussion. Don't be shy. Who
scored the game-winning touch-down
in last-night's football game?
BROCK
I don't know. Um...Joe Kickass.
ZIMMER
You should be perceptive of current
events.
BROCK
I am.
ZIMMER
Do you read the newspaper?
BROCK
Yeah.
ZIMMER
Well, you claim that you've read the
paper; however, you couldn't answer
a simple question of common
knowledge. Why is that?
BROCK
Because sports are for -
ZIMMER
(interrupts)
It's because you're anti-social.
BROCK
No I'm not. That's unfair. This is
geography class, but what does this
have to do with geography?
ZIMMER
Sports indicate geographical
rivalries.
BROCK
No. Sports ENCOURAGE rivalries.
ZIMMER
(laughs)
And what's wrong with that?
The students laugh.
BROCK
(angry, yelling)
WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT
ATTENDING BULLSHIT SPORTING EVENTS,
YOU STUPID FUCK-FACE!
Silence. Everyone is stunned.
ZIMMER
Stand outside the door, and we'll
discuss this after class.
BROCK
Oh man, I didn't mean to -
ZIMMER
The longer you stay, the worse it
gets for you.
BRIAN
Excuse me, Mr. Zimmer.
ZIMMER
What is it, Brian?
BRIAN
When Brock was answering your
question, you interrupted him, and
called him anti-social. He's not
anti-social. He's my friend. And if
you -
ZIMMER
(interrupting)
Your "friends" are anti-social
miscreants, who never attend games.
Why is that?
BROCK
That's a judgmental, unfair -- not
to mention disrespectful -- over-
generalization. Don't you know
anything about respect?
ZIMMER
Respect goes both ways.
BRIAN
Brock was only...
ZIMMER
Sticking up for him, Brian, will
put you in hot water.
BROCK
Mr. Zimmer. With all due respect,
it doesn't matter -- in the grand
scheme of things -- who won
yesterday's little ball-game, so
quit getting your panties in a knot.
ZIMMER
GET OUT!!!
INT. HALLWAY – MORNING
Will and Reicther struggle with a locked locker. Will
reads the instructions, as Reicther tries to unlock the
lock.
WILL
It says, "Turn knob twice to right,
stopping at 24."
Reicther follows the instructions slowly.
REICTHER
Done.
WILL
Okay. Now it says, "Turn knob to
left on a whole turn, past number
2, stopping at 32."
Reicther follows the instructions very slowly.
REICTHER
Done.
WILL
Okay. Now it says, "Turn knob to
right, stopping at 10."
Reicther follows the instructions, extremely slowly.
REICTHER
Done.
WILL
Now pull it open.
Reicther follows the instructions in slow motion.
REICTHER
Still nothing. This is the seventh
locker.
WILL
I don't get it. These instructions
were on the floor. Whose locker is
it?
REICTHER
Anyway, Will -- Can you give this
note to Sarah for me?
Reicther gives a note to Will. Will reads the note.
REICTHER
Whoah, don't read it!
WILL
(reading)
To Sarah, From Reicther. Sarah, I
want to glimpse your dawn, sun-lit
stare, as your hair flows down to
your feet."
(stops reading)
Okay, two things. Is this a joke
and where did you steal it from?
REICTHER
No and I didn't steal it.
WILL
A poet you're not.
REICTHER
Yes, I am a poet. Listen to this:
"Sarah's my flower, but in her next
life, she'll be a real flower: a
re-in-carnation."
WILL
That's not poetic. It's just stupid.
REICTHER
Well, I...
WILL
...am an idiot?
REICTHER
Like you can you do better?
WILL
I can do better on the spot.
REICTHER
Well, then -- make with a poem.
WILL
"Scream curses. Throw rocks. Run
away -- I'll change the locks. Beat
me up, piss on me. Destroy my
sanity. Pump my head full of lead.
Put my cash in your stash."
REICTHER
What was that?
WILL
(indignant)
A poem!
KIRK -- a pot-head -- approaches.
KIRK
I write poems.
WILL
Good for you.
KIRK
(reciting an
original poem)
"Spending New Years sick in bed,
feeling dead, learning drugs are a
bad, twisted fad."
REICTHER
(surprised)
That's not bad.
KIRK
I just wanna be a famous lyricist,
but the editors of the school
newspaper, year-book, and
poetry-anthology, must hate me,
because I submitted great stuff,
but it wasn't good enough.
WILL
That's because they're all stuck-up
preppie bastards.
REICTHER
Kirk, are you good at writing love
poetry?
KIRK
(out of nowhere)
Friends. Treat them right, and
they'll help you. If they want
help, they can go to hell.
WILL
Why'd you say that?
KIRK
Because Will -- I respect you, but
you always shun me. If you guys want
to impress a chick with a "Kirk poem",
you're going to have to get in the
habit of treating me with a little
more respect than you usually do.
WILL
Sounds too much like work. I'll
write Reicther's poem.
REICTHER
Aww, give 'em a chance, Will.
KIRK
Yeah. Give me a chance!
WILL
Kirk, to put it bluntly: I don't
want you as a friend.
KIRK
That hurts. I mean I really –
(brief pause)
You said "blunt."
Kirk lets out a small chuckle.
WILL
Good. Now please, Kirk. Leave us
alone.
KIRK
No.
WILL
Why not?
KIRK
Because you've given me a
challenge. I must prove my
worthiness to join your elitist
lunchroom clique.
He runs off.
WILL
I didn't ask him to join...did I?
INT. SCHOOL – COUNSELOR'S OFFICE – LATER
The guidance counselor, MR. WALTER DONNELLY is sitting
behind his desk. Sitting in front of him is Brock.
Donnelly seems both shocked and disappointed.
DONNELLY
They way I hear it, you called Mr.
Zimmer a..."fuck-tard?"
BROCK
Oh no, no, no.
A brief pause.
BROCK
I called him a fuck face.
Donnelly sighs.
DONNELLY
Geez. Where did all this anger come
from?
BROCK
I don't know I guess I was just
pushed too far.
DONNELLY
Well...I know this can't be an easy
time for you.
Brock seems confused.
BROCK
Excuse me?
DONNELLY
I was informed about your...well,
uh...your mother...I guess mothers,
splitting up.
BROCK
Oh, I'm not sa –
DONNELLY
It's okay. You don't need to
explain.
Brock becomes silent.
DONNELLY
That's why I've schedule something
for you.
BROCK
What is it?
DONNELLY
Well, this Saturday night there's
going to be a special group meeting
in the cafeteria. It's made up of
students who trouble with their
home lives.
BROCK
Whoah, whoah, whoah. Hold up their,
scooter. Just because I got a
little P.O.'d at the teacher, I've
got to go to the Broken Homes Club?
DONNELLY
I know at first, you don't want to
go. But you really should come.
BROCK
I don't really think I'll be
comfortable there.
DONNELLY
If you don't come, the school will
have to suspend you for two weeks.
BROCK
(quickly replies)
What time does it start?
INT. LUNCHROOM – NOON
Will, Brian, Joel, Brock, Casey, Reicther, and Chris are
sitting around the table, eating.
JOEL
Broken Homes Club?
BROCK
Yeah, it's meeting of all these
kids who come from bad home lives.
WILL
And all because you called the
teacher a fuck face.
BROCK
Well, who cares who scored the
fucking touch-down!
Kirk approaches.
KIRK
You're all invited to my backyard
campfire party.
WILL
I'd rather watch paint dry.
KIRK
Here are your invitations.
Kirk passes out invitations.
WILL
Don't go, guys. It'll be flooded
with drugs.
KIRK
No, it won't be "flooded" with
drugs, per se, because most drugs
aren't even liquid.
WILL
I'm not going. You'd have to be
insane to go.
KIRK
C'mon. I mean, I want you -- Will
Cooper -- to attend my party.
WILL
No. I don't want to get arrested
when the cops bust it up.
KIRK
That rarely happens! Don't be such
a pessimist. You know: a
pessimist's blood type is BE
NEGATIVE! And you're being
negative! So quit being negative,
Will!
WILL
Why?
KIRK
Because I wrote this.
Kirk gives an envelope -- marked "to Sarah from Reicther" –
to Reicther. He finds a note in the envelope, and reads it
in his head.
After a while of reading Reicther smiles.
KIRK
Do you like it?
REICTHER
Yeah.
KIRK
I think she'll like it.
REICTHER
I hope she likes it.
KIRK
You'll give it to her?
REICTHER
Yeah.
KIRK
Good luck.
REICTHER
Thanks.
KIRK
You're welcome.
Kirk walks away.
CHRIS
That was nice.
CASEY
A campfire party, huh?
WILL
Are you guys going to go?
CASEY
I don't know, maybe.
JOEL
You know I don't understand why
your being so negative about Kirk's
party.
WILL
I don't know. It's hard to tolerate
someone who finds movies like "Bill
and Ted" and "Dude, Where's My Car?"
cinema masterpieces.
BROCK
I can't go, anyway. I've got this
group therapy thing.
BRIAN
I'm not going. I've got better
things to do.
REICTHER
I don't think video games are that
important.
JOEL
You know, Brian. You should go to
the party, just to get out of the
house.
BRIAN
I don't need to go to some party to
get out more.
WILL
Face it, Brian. The only time you
go out is to get food and more
games.
Brian thinks about this.
BRIAN
Well, I'll prove you wrong. This
weekend I'm going to get out of my
house and into real world.
INT. SHOP CLASS – LITTLE LATER
Reicther and Will screw wood.
WILL
In ten seconds, I'll be so bored
that I'll want the class to end,
but I'll know that it must continue.
REICTHER
Like a Jar-Jar Binks scene.
WILL
Shut up, man -- you know you
secretly like Jar-Jar -- everyone
does.
REICTHER
Yes, it's true. I admit it. I like
Jar-Jar.
WILL
Same here. He just didn't pick the
right movie. Star Wars wasn't his
vehicle to stardom.
REICTHER
He's got what it takes to make it.
I'm sure if they put him in a
Disney movie, he'll be a superstar.
Brief pause.
WILL
Are you going to Kirk's party?
REICTHER
Considering it.
WILL
Ah, man. Why?
REICTHER
Well, he did write me that love
letter for Sarah. I gotta pay him
back somehow.
WILL
God, someone does something for you
and expect something in return?
Geeh, it's horrible.
REICTHER
Yeah, ain't this country great?
Except for Canada.
INT. BRIAN'S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – SATURDAY
Stacy is sitting on the couch. A few feet away on the
other end of the couch is her friend, MARILYN. There's a
bag of chips between them. Stacy is flipping channels.
STACY
Man, there's nothing on.
MARILYN
Oh, wait! Stop there!
STACY
What?
MARILYN
Go back to HBO.
Stacy does so. "Sex and the City" is just beginning.
STACY
"Sex and the City?"
MARILYN
Yeah. Haven't you ever seen this
before?
STACY
Can't say that I have.
MARILYN
It's about these four women who
have sex.
Marilyn eats some chips. Stacy seems confused.
STACY
That's it?
MARILYN
Just watch.
Stacy sighs and begins to watch.
EXT. KIRK'S HOUSE – SAME NIGHT
Reicther, Chris, and Casey walk up to the front door.
CHRIS
I feel bad for going. I mean, Will
really didn't us to go.
REICTHER
Well, Chris. You've to got to
Realize something. Will may be our
"unofficial" leader, but really we
listen him about half the time.
Casey knocks. Pause. Kirk opens the door.
KIRK
Hey, comrades. Come on in.
Kirk moves out of their way. The guys give each a look
before going in.
INT. WILL'S ROOM – SAME
Will and Joel are sitting on Will's couch. Will is
looking through the paper. Joel is watching TV, looking
bored.
JOEL
What's wrong with going to Kirk's?
WILL
I just think we can do something
better with our time. I mean their
has to be some other kind of
mindless, stupid, retentive kind of
entertainment that can be better
then that.
EXT. MOVIE THEATER – LATER THAT NIGHT
The parking is mostly empty. Their playing "CATWOMAN."
The CAMERA QUICKLY PANS to the right and we see Will and
Joel standing in the parking lot.
WILL
I don't think we're this desperate.
They walk away.
INT. LUNCHROOM – SAME
The tables have been cleared. Now there is a big circle
of students. About twenty of them. Brock is off out of
the circle. He is at the snack table, eating cookies.
STUDENT #1
So since then, my mom has been able
to quit drinking.
All the others begin to clap.
GROUP LEADER
Very good, Arthur. Now I think it
would be a good idea to hear from
our newest member, Brock Warner.
Brock looks up.
BROCK
You know, actually, I'm good.
Someone else can go.
GROUP LEADER
C'mon, Brock. I think it would be a
good idea for you to share with the
rest of the group.
Brock looks hesitant but ends up taking a seat.
BROCK
Uh...well. My mom throw out her wi –
significant other a few months ago.
FEMALE STUDENT #1
And I bet you feel really sad don't
you?
BROCK
Are you kidding? I love it.
Everyone shocks.
MALE STUDENT #2
You love it?
FEMALE STUDENT #2
How can you love that fact that
your parents are no longer together.
BROCK
Well to start off, my mom threw a
totally bitchy person out. Plus now
I don't have to listen to their
fighting now. Now someone tell me
what's wrong with that?
Everyone seems puzzled.
MALE STUDENT #3
I bet your mom is really sad that
she's alone.
BROCK
At first, but she's fine now.
Everyone begins to think.
FEMALE STUDENT #3
I bet your brother –
BROCK
He's happy about it too.
Everyone is stumped.
MALE STUDENT #4
You know, he's right. Now that my
parents have split it's more quiet.
There's no fighting and both have
found new loves.
FEMALE STUDENT #4
Yeah. The same thing with my
parents.
FEMALE STUDENT #5
Yeah, things are way better now
that my dad has been kicked out.
Everyone seems to agree and talk amongst themselves.
GROUP LEADER
Wait, people! People! Your not
suppose to be happy! Your suppose
to be feeling bad about yourselves!
THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF GROUP
THERAPY!
INT. BRIAN'S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – SAME
Stacy and Marilyn are indulged by "Sex and the City."
Stacy sips some soda.
VOICE (O.S.)
Face it Charlotte, your addicted to
your vibrator.
Stacy quickly spits out her soda.
STACY
Jesus Christ!
(quietly)
They're talking about vibrator
Addiction!
MARILYN
Yeah.
(smiling)
Ain't it great?
INT. WILL'S ROOM – SAME
Will is digging through his closet, while Joel sits on
the couch.
JOEL
I still don't think see why we
can't go over to Kirk's.
WILL
For one, none of the other guys are
going.
EXT. KIRK'S HOUSE – SAME
There's a CAMPFIRE with a DOZEN STUDENTS and Kirk
sitting around it. Everyone is looking at Casey who is
finishing a joke.
CASEY
And then she said "I'm no
kindergartener, I'm a goddamn
midget."
Everyone begins to laugh like it's the funniest thing.
INT. KIRK'S HOUSE – KIRK'S ROOM – SAME
Chris and some kid are sitting around a TV playing video
games. A group of boys are watching.
BOY #1
(to Chris)
Man your really great at this.
CHRIS
Somebody call child services
because I'm beating the shit out of
this kid.
INT. KIRK'S HOUSE – BACKYARD – SAME
Reicther is on a tire swing, going really high.
REICTHER
This is GREAT!!! HA HA!!!
The swing goes back and forth once more before snapping
and landing on the ground.
INT. WILL'S ROOM – SAME
Will is still looking in the closet.
WILL
HA! Found it.
Will comes out of the closet, holding a Sega Genesis.
JOEL
Holy shit. I haven't seen one of
those in a long time.
WILL
I use to be the fucking master of
the "Ghostbusters."
EXT. BRIAN'S HOUSE – LITTLE LATER
Brian is standing in the front lawn, with his hands in
his pockets. He seems uncomfortable.
BRIAN
This is...okay. Not as great as
it's made out to be.
A CRICKET chirps.
BRIAN
What the hell was that?
INT. LUNCHROOM – NOON
Will, Brian, Joel, Brock, Casey, Reicther, and Chris are
sitting around the table, eating and chatting.
WILL
So you actually went outdoors?
BRIAN
Yeah. And it was really boring.
Plus I heard some weird noises.
JOEL
Sounds more interesting then what
me and Will did. We ended playing
Sega all night. And the only games
he had were "Ghostbusters" and
"Aladdin."
CASEY
You guys missed a really good
party.
WILL
You actually went?
CASEY
Not just me. Chris and Reicther
came too.
CHRIS
Yeah, no drugs at all.
REICTHER
Except for (finger quotes) "Jesus."
INT. KIRK'S ROOM – SATURDAY NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
Casey, Reicther, and Chris are standing around Kirk.
KIRK
You know my parents won't let me
join the baseball team or try out
for the school play because they
don't anything to distract me from
my studies. So I turned to Jesus.
Kirk turns away and then turns back holding a Bong, that
has "Jesus" printed on it.
KIRK
I don't envy people who have lots
of friends, parties and
girlfriends because I don't need
that stuff. I've got Jesus.
INT. LUNCHROOM – PRESENT
Joel has a smile.
JOEL
So he's got "Jesus" huh?
WILL
Yeah. Him and my brother.
(slight pause, looking
embarrassed)
And my parents.
FADE OUT.
END OF EPISODE
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