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The Lunchroom
Episode 2x08
"Never Mind the Bollocks"
Written by
Bruce Snyder
Created by
Bruce Snyder
NEW RECURRING CHARACTER
MEADOW LE CERVA: 15. Long black hair. Short. Usually,
always smiling.
TEASER
INT. WILL'S ROOM – DAY
Will and Joel are sitting on his couch watching TV. The
video for Lenny Kavitz's "Where Are We Running" is
beginning to play.
WILL
Oh I love this video.
JOEL
I didn't know you like Lenny
Kavitz.
WILL
No. I like the video because I can
do this.
Will walks over and hits play on his stereo. Old 1920's
swing music begins to play. Will walks over and hits
mute on his TV.
WILL
Okay. Now it's better.
Will and Joel sit and watch. As people do drugs and have
sex, the old swing music plays. Joel smiles.
JOEL
You're right. This is better.
OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE:
Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the
credits.
AFTER CREDITS:
INT. AIRPORT - GATEWAY – EARLY MORNING
Chris, Stacy, and Brian walk up and each take a seat.
Brian yawns.
STACY
It's five in the morning. I went to
sleep two hours ago. This is not
right.
Chris takes a out a schedule paper.
CHRIS
Okay. We leave in an hour and half.
We'll get there at ten. Leave at
eight and get back on midnight.
BRIAN
I'd like to meet the idiot who
thought of the idea of traveling
all the way to D.C., tour around it,
all in one day.
STACY
Probably the guy who didn't want to
rent out a hotel for us.
CHRIS
At least we don't have to go to
school and don't have to do any
work.
Brian is looking around.
BRIAN
Where did Will go?
STACY
He went off to talk to that Meadow
girl.
Stacy reaches over and grabs a paperback novel.
CHRIS
There's a girl named Meadow?
BRIAN
Don't look at me. I didn't name
her.
INT. AIRPORT – FOOD COURT – SAME
Will and MEADOW LE CERVA are at a McDonald's. The man
hands Meadow a small drink and hands Will a gigantic
cup.
MEADOW
Jesus.
WILL
Hey, get off my ass. I need to wake
up.
They begin to walk away.
MEADOW
Okay. You were in the middle of a
story.
WILL
Okay, so I'm going on and on to her.
And finally after a few minutes of
talking I finally say "Honey...I
love you." I hear no response. So I
figure that she's just stunned by
what I've said. So (chuckles) I go
over and see that's she been
sleeping.
Will laughs. Meadow also laughs but also looks sad.
MEADOW
Oh, I'm sorry about that Will.
WILL
It's okay.
MEADOW
Did you ever really tell her?
WILL
Nah. We broke up a couple of days
later.
MEADOW
Why?
WILL
(laughing)
Because I thought she wasn't
listening to me enough.
She laughs.
INT. STUDY HALL – LATER THAT DAY
Reicther and Brock sit at a table. Brock is working on
homework. Reicther is reading a book. We notice that
Reicther's eyes are red. He sniffs a bit. Brock looks up
at him, before going back to work.
Pause. Suddenly Reicther sneezes. It goes all over the
table (and some on Brock.)
BROCK
Oh God, Reicther.
(NOTE: All during this episode Reicther's voice is
different because his nose is stuffed up.)
REICTHER
(in pain)
Oh...my chest.
BROCK
Haven't heard of covering your
mouth?
Reicther covers his mouth.
REICTHER
Man I'm sick.
BROCK
No shit.
REICTHER
This all started when we went over
to Brian's house. It's headquarters
for germs.
Reicther sneezes again.
REICTHER
I've got to do something about this.
He looks around.
INT. AIRPORT – TERMINAL - A LITTLE LATER
Stacy is sitting, reading a book. Chris is looking over
the paper. Brian appears with a Bible.
STACY
Where did you get that?
BRIAN
Some bald guy gave it to me.
STACY
I didn't know you read the bible.
BRIAN
I don't. But I never pass up
anything that's free.
Chris sighs.
CHRIS
So much about politics in the news.
BRIAN
(about Bible)
Hell. No pictures.
STACY
What's new today, anyway?
CHRIS
Well, front page says "President
goes on Vacation."
STACY
That's it?
CHRIS
Yep. Sad ain't it?
BRIAN
What you got something against our
Politics?
CHRIS
Now I'm saying nothing. All I'll
say is that the three most powerful
people in this country are Bush,
Dick, and Colon.
INT. AIRPORT – ANOTHER PART OF THTE TERMINAL – SAME
Will and Meadow are walking around, talking.
MEADOW
So the whole play was this weird
thing about this child rapist.
WILL
Child rapist?
MEADOW
A whole three hour play about a
child rapist. I mean the violence
was so graphic.
WILL
Uh-oh. Look what someone left
behind.
PULL BACK to REVEAL a bag cart.
MEADOW
It's a bag cart. So what?
WILL
You obviously haven't been to too
many airports.
He takes the cart.
WILL
Follow me.
He pushes the cart, with Meadow right behind him.
CART RETURN –
Will pushes the bag cart into it.
MEADOW
You wanted to return it?
WILL
Watch this.
A quarter pops outs of the machine.
WILL
Hizah.
He takes it.
MEADOW
A machine that gives you money.
Well, I say God bless America.
WILL
Stay here, I'm going to find some
more.
MEADOW
Screw that, I want free money.
They walk off.
INT. STUDY HALL - SAME
Reicther walks up carrying a can. He sits down. Brock
looks up from his work.
BROCK
Oh lord. What's that for?
REICTHER
Well. If I have to sneeze anymore I
just sneeze into the can.
Reicther puts the can on the table.
BROCK
Oh I've got to see this.
Pause.
BROCK
Well?
REICTHER
Give me sec.
Pause.
REICTHER
Crap. I can't do it on th –
Reicther quickly sneezes into the can. He hits his
noose against it, hard.
REICTHER
Oh God my nose!
He holds it.
INT. AIRPORT – TERMINAL – SAME
Will and Meadow are sitting in a pair of seats. No one
else is around. They are talking quietly to themselves.
ANNOUNCER (V/O)
Flight 305 to Washington will now
be boarding.
Will and Meadow stand up and slowly walk away.
WILL
Hey, I got an idea.
MEADOW
What?
WILL
Well why don't we finish our little
conversation on the airplane?
MEADOW
You mean you want to sit by me?
WILL
Yeah. If you don't mind.
MEADOW
No, I don't mind. In fact, I'll go
get us some seats.
She jogs forward. Quickly Brian, Chris, and Stacy run up
and walk along with Will.
CHRIS
I guess that was Meadow.
WILL
Oh hi guys.
BRIAN
Well you must like her if you spent
practically the whole morning
talking to her.
STACY
What did you guys talk about?
WILL
Um, Child rapist plays...my love
problems...her lama.
BRIAN
Well she already has a few checks
on my list.
STACY
What's on your list?
BRIAN
Must be a girl. Have a weird name.
Owns a lama. I'm already halfway
home.
Chris sighs.
CHRIS
Why don't you just go get us some
seats.
BRIAN
Fine.
He and Stacy walk ahead.
INT. STUDY HALL – SAME
Brock is working on homework. Reicther walks up and
sits. He now has little bits of tissue in each nostril.
Brock gives him a look but Reicther just smiles.
REICTHER
Problem solved.
Brock's head falls to the table. Words can't describe
how he feels about Reicther right now.
INT. AIRPORT - GATEWAY – MINUTES LATER
Each student are now slowing walking through the gate.
Chris and Will are quietly talking to themselves.
WILL
Well I thought that film was a hit
over in England.
CHRIS
Nah, it was a big bomb. If
criminals were looking to hide out
somewhere, they would hide in their.
WILL
Well, it's like that over here. Any
British film is usually a bomb.
The GIRL working the gate, looks up at them. She reaches
in and presses a button on desk.
WILL
It's kinda of sad. Cause I usually
like British films.
CHRIS
You know almost all superhero
movies are bombs over there.
WILL
Get the fuck out of here. Really?
CHRIS
Yep. The Hulk, Daredevil, Punisher.
WILL
Uh...those were actually bombs over
here too.
They've reached the gate. They both show the girl their
ticket. She looks at them.
GIRL
Uh...I can't let you go in.
WILL
Why not?
GIRL
(thinking)
Well...uh...see...your ticket...has,
um...expired.
CHRIS
Expired?
WILL
But these tickets were bought last
week.
GIRL
Um...it must be a computer problem.
Just please wait.
Meadow comes out of the Tunnel leading to the plane.
MEADOW
You coming Will?
WILL
We'll be there soon. This lady is
holding up. Save us some seats.
She nods and heads back into the tunnel. Suddenly OFFICER
MARSH and OFFICER STONE appear.
GIRL
Quickly! Get the terrorists!
CHRIS
Terrorists? Where?
MARSH
Which ones?
GIRL
These two!
She points to Will and Chris. Stone grabs Chris, Marsh
grabs Will.
CHRIS
Wait a just a god damn minute! How
are we terrorists?
GIRL
I heard you and your little
conversation about bombs.
MARSH
Oh? Planning to blow the plane up,
huh?
WILL
What?!
STONE
Or are you planning take these
bombs and blow up something?
CHRIS
We're just going to Washington D.C.
to see –
MARSH
D.C.!? My God! These little
bastards were going right for
the center of operations!
WILL
The hell? Are you people listening
to yourselves? We're teenagers for
Christ's shake.
MARSH
Exactly. No one would suspect a
couple of kids.
CHRIS
This is ridiculous. All because we
said bomb?
The OFFICERS and the girl gasp.
MARSH
You better shut your mouth. You Al
Quada son of a bitch!
CHRIS
Hell, I'll say it again. Bomb, bomb,
bomb, bomb.
The girl covers her ear and gasps again.
STONE
That's it. You punks are coming
with us!
Stone and Marsh begin to drag Will and Chris out of the
area, but they put up a fight.
CHRIS
C'mon! It's just a word! Bomb, bomb,
bomb!
WILL
Chris, shut up!
INT. AIRPLANE – SAME
Brian is sitting at a window seat, by himself. He is
looking forward. After a second he looks out the window.
He sighs deeply.
BRIAN
Stacy.
Stacy, who sits in front of Brian, turns around.
STACY
Yeah?
BRIAN
Look what's happening at the gate.
Stacy looks out her window.
STACY
Holy shit.
STACY'S POV:
She can see Will and Chris forcefully being drugged
through the airport.
Stacy continues to stare, while Brian has his head down.
We can faint fully hear Chris yelling "Bomb."
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM/AIRPORT – MINUTES LATER
Will and Chris sit in two chairs in the middle of an
empty room. Will is deep in thought, while Chris stares
at the wall.
CHRIS
Well...I did not see that coming.
WILL
Why did you keep saying bomb!
CHRIS
Sorry. I didn't think they would
lock us up here.
STONE and Marsh enter the room.
WILL
Uh, sir. When can we leave?
MARSH
Oh, you can leave when start giving
us some answers.
STONE
If your not terrorists why were you
talking so much about bombs for?
WILL
We weren't talking about real bombs.
We were talking about movie bombs.
MARSH
Movie bombs?
WILL
Yeah like Daredevil and The Hulk.
STONE
Hey! The Hulk may have been
confusing and miss-directed but it
wasn't a bomb damn it!
MARSH
Stone! Calm down!
STONE
Sorry, sorry. I just...I just forgot
who I was for a moment.
Stone walks up against the walk and leans against.
Marsh puts his hand on Stone's shoulder.
MARSH
Hey...your still good cop.
Will and Chris seem confused.
WILL
My God. It's like I've died and
gone to Cop drama heaven.
Marsh and Stone turn to Will and Chris.
STONE
Okay, you punks may have been
talking about movie bombs. But I
still don't believe you.
Stone begins to think.
STONE
Okay. I'll make you a deal. If you
tell us where you were hiding your
weapons and we'll make it easier on
you.
WILL
We don't have any weapons.
CHRIS
(to himself)
Like we'd tell you anyway.
STONE
Ha! So you do have weapons!
WILL
FUCK, CHRIS!
CHRIS
Wait, a minute! I was only joking!
MARSH
(to Will)
Where are the weapons?!
WILL
What weapons?!
Stone grabs Will's head and slams the side of it against
the table.
STONE
WHERE ARE THE WEAPONS!?
WILL
(barely able to talk)
I...don't have...
Stone slams head again.
STONE
WHERE ARE THEY!?
Will looks like he's about to go unconscious.
MARSH
Forget it, Stone. He ain't talking.
Stone lets go of Will's head. Will falls out of his
chair and to the ground.
Will lifts his head a bit.
WILL
How come you didn't hurt him?
STONE
What? Are you crazy? I'm not going
to hurt a black kid.
Chris seems annoyed. Just then, OFFICER MORRISSEY steps
in.
MORRISSEY
Okay. Let the kids go.
STONE
Why?
MORRISSEY
One of their teachers confirmed
that they weren't terrorists.
He's about to leave when he notices Will on the floor.
MORRISSEY
What happened to him?
STONE
Uh...anxiety attack.
MORRISSEY
Oh. Carry on then.
EXT. AIRPORT – LATER THAT DAY
Brian and Stacy are waiting by the entrance. Will and
Chris stagger out. Will has an ice pack on his head.
BRIAN
Hey look. It's Osama.
CHRIS
Shut the hell up, Brian.
The four begin to walk into the parking lot.
WILL
I thought you guys were in D.C.
STACY
We stayed behind when we saw them
dragging you out of the terminal.
WILL
Did Meadow see?
BRIAN
Beats me.
WILL
Shit. Shit. Shit.
STACY
Why do you have the ice pack for
anyway?
WILL
Apparently I had an (finger quotes)
"anxiety attack." And fell out of
the chair. Listen, I don't want to
talk about it. Let's just get out
of here.
They look around.
STACY
Uh-oh.
BRIAN
What?
STACY
I didn't bring my car. We rode the
bus here, remember?
They all disappointed. Brian sighs.
BRIAN
God damn it.
FADE OUT.
END OF EPISODE
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