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1. INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT. Two college students, DARTH, a young man dressed in simple clothes with a simple haircut, and CLOUD, a young woman of similar ilk, are solemnly dining over an inexpensive fast food meal. Meanwhile, several obnoxious, inebriated YOUTHS filter in and out of the restaurant. YOUTH 1 Dude, I am like so, totally, WASTED! YOUTH 2 Fuckin' hardcore, yo! Darth and Cloud glance up at each other, rolling their eyes. CLOUD You know, I really hate people. DARTH That's a bit extreme, don't you think? CLOUD Not at all. Take a look around you. Do these specimens make you proud to be of the homo sapiens variety? Darth surveys the surroundings. DARTH These ones? No. But this particular demographic is hardly representative of humankind as a whole, is it? I'd be lying if I said I was delighted with the current state of affairs, but I still have faith in my fellow man. Cloud stares at Darth menacingly. DARTH And woman. CLOUD Thank you. Sadly, I'm afraid I don't share your optimism. How can you have faith in a society that turns an idiotic party boy who destroys his parents' home into an instant celebrity? The world is in trouble, Darth. Look around you. These people are the future! Pardon my language, but humanity is well and truly fucked. An awkward silence ensues as the pair continue to work on their meal. DARTH Not necessarily. CLOUD What? DARTH We're not "fucked." There's still hope. I mean, take us for example. We're alright, aren't we? There must be others like us out there.As long as we ensure that there's a steady progression of people like us into society, the world should be in safe hands. Cloud is considerably taken aback. CLOUD Wait. Waaiiiiit wait wait. WHAT? Was that your subtle way of suggesting that we need to find smart, yet attractive people to have sex with??? DARTH Essentially, yes. Although I wouldn't have put it as bluntly. I was thinking more along the lines of raising a family. You know, a wife and two kids type thing. CLOUD That is the worst idea I've ever heard. That's even worse than the guy who designed the helicopter ejector seat. DARTH What's wrong with it? There are so many people out there. Sure, at first glance they might not be too enticing, but with a little work, I'm sure we could teach them our ways and make model citizens out of them. Everyone has some potential. CLOUD Wrong. If you're a tool now, you'll be a tool forever. NO-ONE has any potential. Potential is just a buzzword for lazy teachers to write on report cards for useless kids. Another awkward silence takes place. They finish their meal and Cloud gets up, takes the tray and deposits it away. She returns to the table to find Darth smiling at her. DARTH What are your plans for tonight? CLOUD What plans? Do I ever have any plans? I'm going to go home and spend all night watching cartoons, eating cereal and masturbating. Not simultaneously, of course... DARTH I'm going to ignore that last part, and kindly ask you to never mention anything of the sort to me again. Anyway, I have a proposition... CLOUD Â (laughing) It's gonna have to be a hell of a proposition to make me change my plans. DARTH Hear me out. There's a million people out there tonight. I bet that by the end of the night, we can find someone we like. Let's just roam the streets and take it all in,Â and I'm sure before long we'll have met someone we wouldn't mind seeing again... Cloud's blank face stares back at Darth, clearly completely unexcited by his suggestion. DARTH Â (continuing) ...Oh come on. We've got nothing to lose. Except our virg... CLOUD Don't say it. Worst joke ever. Anyway, I despise everything about your plan, but, as you so eloquently pointed out, we have nothing to lose. I have but one request, which is that we separate for this mission. With all due respect, I don't need you cramping my style, so to speak. DARTH (sarcastically) Yeah, because I was just dying to have you by my side! CLOUD Sarcasm doesn't suit you. In fact, nothing suits you. Anyway, shall we be on our way? DARTH After you. I bid you good luck. God knows you need it. Darth laughs at his "joke." Cloud contemplates responding, but doesn't consider it worth her while. They exit the restaurant. 2. EXT. NIGHT CLUB. NIGHT Darth notices a night club across the street from which loud house music is blaring. There is a large line waiting to get in, populated partially by attractive women. Excited, Darth crosses the road and joins the line. The other occupants of the line smirk, amused by his poor dress sense and general appearance. He slowly makes his way to the front of the line, where he meets the BOUNCER. BOUNCER I.D. Darth fumbles around his pocket and finds identification, providing it to the bouncer. The bouncer glances up at Darth, then down at the I.D., then up at Darth again. BOUNCER Â (continuing) Look, I'm going to be honest here. Your clothing flies in the face of every aspect of our dress code.Most bouncers would have laughed in your face and thrown you out without a moment's hesitation. But I'm not like the other bouncers. People look at me and think "Oh, he's a massive guy, he must eat babies and listen to Slayer in his free time," or something. They think I'm some sort of monster but I'm not, I'm as compassionate as they come.And so, because I'm such a nice guy, I'm going to let you in. Do DARTH Uh yeah, thanks. Darth hurries into the club, unwilling to hear the rest of the Bouncer's speech. 3. EXT. STREET CORNER. NIGHT Cloud is walking down the street when she notices a groups of EMO KIDS on the corner, opposite a McDonalds.An acoustic guitar is lent up against a wall. She walks up to them cautiously. As she gets close, she looks directly at them, expecting them to say something, but they merely stare at the ground below them. CLOUD Why hello there! There is absolutely no reaction among the group. CLOUD Â (continuing) What are you guys doing here? The silence continues, before one of the group finally EMO Â (solemnly) We're staging a protest. CLOUD Oh yeah? What against? EMO McDonalds. CLOUD What have they done to you? EMO They're like, total corporate whores. CLOUD I see. And what is your protest, exactly? EMO We refuse to go in. CLOUD So? EMO We're very hungry.BUT WE SHALL NOT SUCCUMB! CLOUD Well, good luck with all of that. EMO We have a song. Would you like to hear our song? CLOUD Well, uh, actually I really have to... EMO Â (shouting) WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OUR SONG? CLOUD Yes, OK, fine, I'll hear the song. Emo picks up the acoustic guitar, and positions his fingers to form an E major chord. He then starts singing, never changing the chord position throughout the song. EMO Â (wailing) Had enough of your lies/I don't want your fries! You fill me with worry/ I don't want your McFlurry! Cloud is stunned by the sheer awfulness of the song. EMO It's a work in progress. CLOUD Good god, you mean there could potentially be more? EMO Yes. Cloud frantically takes her phone out of her pocket and pretends to be receiving a call. CLOUD What's that? A fire? You say my house is on fire? You say my cat is on fire? Oh my God, I'll be right there! EMO Sorry about your loss. But what is death really, but merely an extens... CLOUD Yeah sorry gotta go, BYE! Cloud runs away from the Emo kids. 4. INT. NIGHT CLUB. NIGHT Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Darth enters the nightclub and is overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people and loudness of the music. Feeling claustrophobic, he desperately searches for a seat, but there is no room to move. Finally, he spots a spare space on a couch on the other side of the room. Realizing that this opportunity may never arise again, he abandons all habits of human decency and barges through the crowd to reach the seat, spilling countless drinks and knocking people to the floor in the process. He sits down next to an attractive, slightly DRUNK GIRL. GIRL OH MY GOD, HI!! DARTH Um, yes, hello. How's it going? GIRL Awesome, totally awesome!I love this song! DARTH Really? Are you into this type of music? GIRL Oh, I like everything! DARTH Everything? How can you possibly like everything? Surely there must be some forms of music you dislike? Surely you appreciate some music to such an extent that you find other forms considerably inferior? GIRL No, I like everything!Hey do you like Bono? DARTH What's Bono? GIRL He's from U2, I was at a concert once and he did this amazing thing. He started clapping yeah, and then he got us all to clap as well yeah, and then after a minute,he said something so profound, guess what he said! Darth is clearly disinterested and wants to leave. DARTH What did he say? CLOUD He said that every time he clapped his hands, an African child died of hunger! DARTH Well, he should have stopped fucking clapping then. The girl's enthusiasm is shattered, and she is on the brink of tears. CLOUD That's so mean! Bono rules! He's done more for the world than you ever will! DARTH Well, I disagree with everything you say, but will defend to the death your right to say it! The girl's mood brightens up again. GIRL Really? To the death? DARTH Well, maybe not. Maybe until I'm slightly threatened. Anyway, I'll be right back. Darth gets up and hurriedly makes his way put of the club, with no intention of returning to the girl. 5. EXT/INT. INTERNET CAFE. NIGHT. While Cloud is walking along the street, she notices a thin stairwell leading underground. Curious, she cautiously walks down it. At the foot of the stairwell is a tiny hallway leading to a room with a large glass window. Through the window she can see a horde of overweight men in front of computers, with one hand on the mouse and the other in a bag of chips,all wearing headphones. She hesitates for a moment, pondering whether it is worth her while to enter, but she decides to do so and opens the door, quietly. The geeks are so involved in their games that they do not notice her entrance. The distinct sound of keyboard mashing dominates the atmosphere. GEEK 1 (talking to computer) You just got Pwned, n00b! GEEK 2 (talking to computer) ALL YOUR BASE, ARE BELONG TO US! CLOUD Ahem...Hello? There is complete silence, as the geeks halt their activities and stare at Cloud in awe. Finally, the silence is broken. GEEK 1 A g..g..gg..girl! CLOUD Yes. Don't be alarmed. I've just... GEEK 2 Who are you and what do you want? CLOUD My name is Cloud. Don't ask. What do I want? Well, its quite complicated actually. The geeks twitch about nervously in anticipation. CLOUD Â (continuing) To put it simply, I'm looking for a partner. I'm very lonely, and I was hoping... GEEK 2 Evil temptress! How dare you mock us so? CLOUD But...I.. GEEK 1 Begone! CLOUD Fine. Be like that. By the way,while we've been talking, your Night Elves just got slaughtered by those Orcs. Geek 1 looks at his computer screen and is horrifies by what he sees. GEEK 1 Sweet son of Satan! Say it isn't so! I've wasted my life and my looks! As Geek 1 drops to his knees, tears flowing from his eyes, Cloud smirks and walks out of the room. 6. EXT. VARIOUS STREETS. NIGHT. MONTAGE Background Music - Love Is All Around by The Troggs
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