This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
1. INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT.
Two college students, DARTH, a young man dressed in simple clothes
with a simple haircut, and CLOUD, a young woman of similar
ilk, are solemnly dining over an inexpensive fast food meal.
Meanwhile, several obnoxious, inebriated YOUTHS filter in
and out of the restaurant.
YOUTH 1
Dude, I am like so, totally,
WASTED!
YOUTH 2
Fuckin' hardcore, yo!
Darth and Cloud glance up at each other, rolling their eyes.
CLOUD
You know, I really hate people.
DARTH
That's a bit extreme, don't you
think?
CLOUD
Not at all. Take a look around you.
Do these specimens make you proud
to be of the homo sapiens variety?
Darth surveys the surroundings.
DARTH
These ones? No. But this particular
demographic is hardly representative
of humankind as a whole, is it? I'd
be lying if I said I was delighted
with the current state of affairs,
but I still have faith in my fellow
man.
Cloud stares at Darth menacingly.
DARTH
And woman.
CLOUD
Thank you. Sadly, I'm afraid I
don't share your optimism. How can
you have faith in a society that
turns an idiotic party boy who
destroys his parents' home into an
instant celebrity? The world is in
trouble, Darth. Look around you.
These people are the future! Pardon
my language, but humanity is well
and truly fucked.
An awkward silence ensues as the pair continue to work on their
meal.
DARTH
Not necessarily.
CLOUD
What?
DARTH
We're not "fucked." There's still
hope. I mean, take us for example.
We're alright, aren't we? There
must be others like us out there.As long
as we ensure that there's a steady
progression of people like us into society,
the world should be in safe hands.
Cloud is considerably taken aback.
CLOUD
Wait. Waaiiiiit wait wait. WHAT?
Was that your subtle way of suggesting
that we need to find smart, yet
attractive people to have sex
with???
DARTH
Essentially, yes. Although I
wouldn't have put it as bluntly. I
was thinking more along the lines
of raising a family. You know, a
wife and two kids type thing.
CLOUD
That is the worst idea I've ever
heard. That's even worse than the
guy who designed the helicopter
ejector seat.
DARTH
What's wrong with it? There are so
many people out there. Sure, at
first glance they might not be too
enticing, but with a little work, I'm
sure we could teach them our ways
and make model citizens out of
them. Everyone has some potential.
CLOUD
Wrong. If you're a tool now, you'll
be a tool forever. NO-ONE has any
potential. Potential is just a
buzzword for lazy teachers to write
on report cards for useless kids.
Another awkward silence takes place. They finish their meal and
Cloud gets up, takes the tray and deposits it away. She
returns to the table to find Darth smiling at her.
DARTH
What are your plans for tonight?
CLOUD
What plans? Do I ever have any
plans? I'm going to go home and
spend all night watching cartoons,
eating cereal and masturbating. Not simultaneously,
of course...
DARTH
I'm going to ignore that last part,
and kindly ask you to never mention
anything of the sort to me again.
Anyway, I have a proposition...
CLOUD
 (laughing)
It's gonna have to be a hell of a
proposition to make me change my
plans.
DARTH
Hear me out. There's a million
people out there tonight. I bet
that by the end of the night, we
can find someone we like. Let's
just roam the streets and take it
all in, and I'm sure before long
we'll have met someone we wouldn't
mind seeing again...
Cloud's blank face stares back at Darth, clearly completely unexcited
by his suggestion.
DARTH
 (continuing)
...Oh come on. We've got nothing to
lose. Except our virg...
CLOUD
Don't say it. Worst joke ever.
Anyway, I despise everything about
your plan, but, as you so
eloquently pointed out, we have
nothing to lose. I have but one
request, which is that we separate
for this mission. With all due
respect, I don't need you cramping
my style, so to speak.
DARTH
(sarcastically)
Yeah, because I was just dying to
have you by my side!
CLOUD
Sarcasm doesn't suit you. In fact,
nothing suits you. Anyway, shall we
be on our way?
DARTH
After you. I bid you good luck. God
knows you need it.
Darth laughs at his "joke." Cloud contemplates responding, but
doesn't consider it worth her while. They exit the
restaurant.
2. EXT. NIGHT CLUB. NIGHT
Darth notices a night club across the street from which loud house
music is blaring. There is a large line waiting to get in,
populated partially by attractive women. Excited, Darth
crosses the road and joins the line. The other occupants of
the line smirk, amused by his poor dress sense and general
appearance. He slowly makes his way to the front of the
line, where he meets the BOUNCER.
BOUNCER
I.D.
Darth fumbles around his pocket and finds identification, providing
it to the bouncer. The bouncer glances up at Darth, then
down at the I.D., then up at Darth again.
BOUNCER
 (continuing)
Look, I'm going to be honest here.
Your clothing flies in the face of
every aspect of our dress code.Most
bouncers would have laughed in your face
and thrown you out without a
moment's hesitation. But I'm not
like the other bouncers. People
look at me and think "Oh, he's a
massive guy, he must eat babies and
listen to Slayer in his free time,"
or something. They think I'm some
sort of monster but I'm not, I'm as
compassionate as they come.And so,
because I'm such a nice guy, I'm
going to let you in. Do
DARTH
Uh yeah, thanks.
Darth hurries into the club, unwilling to hear the rest of the
Bouncer's speech.
3. EXT. STREET CORNER. NIGHT
Cloud is walking down the street when she notices a groups
of EMO KIDS on the corner, opposite a McDonalds.An acoustic
guitar is lent up against a wall. She walks up to them
cautiously. As she gets close, she looks directly at them,
expecting them to say something, but they merely stare at
the ground below them.
CLOUD
Why hello there!
There is absolutely no reaction among the group.
CLOUD
 (continuing)
What are you guys doing here?
The silence continues, before one of the group finally
EMO
 (solemnly)
We're staging a protest.
CLOUD
Oh yeah? What against?
EMO
McDonalds.
CLOUD
What have they done to you?
EMO
They're like, total corporate
whores.
CLOUD
I see. And what is your protest,
exactly?
EMO
We refuse to go in.
CLOUD
So?
EMO
We're very hungry.BUT WE SHALL NOT
SUCCUMB!
CLOUD
Well, good luck with all of that.
EMO
We have a song. Would you like to
hear our song?
CLOUD
Well, uh, actually I really have
to...
EMO
 (shouting)
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OUR SONG?
CLOUD
Yes, OK, fine, I'll hear the song.
Emo picks up the acoustic guitar, and positions his fingers to
form an E major chord. He then starts singing, never
changing the chord position throughout the song.
EMO
 (wailing)
Had enough of your lies/I don't
want your fries! You fill me with worry/
I don't want your McFlurry!
Cloud is stunned by the sheer awfulness of the song.
EMO
It's a work in progress.
CLOUD
Good god, you mean there could
potentially be more?
EMO
Yes.
Cloud frantically takes her phone out of her pocket and
pretends to be receiving a call.
CLOUD
What's that? A fire? You say my
house is on fire? You say my cat is
on fire? Oh my God, I'll be right
there!
EMO
Sorry about your loss. But what is
death really, but merely an
extens...
CLOUD
Yeah sorry gotta go, BYE!
Cloud runs away from the Emo kids.
4. INT. NIGHT CLUB. NIGHT Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â
Darth enters the nightclub and is overwhelmed by the sheer
amount of people and loudness of the music. Feeling
claustrophobic, he desperately searches for a seat, but
there is no room to move. Finally, he spots a spare space on
a couch on the other side of the room. Realizing that this
opportunity may never arise again, he abandons all habits of
human decency and barges through the crowd to reach the
seat, spilling countless drinks and knocking people to the
floor in the process. He sits down next to an attractive,
slightly DRUNK GIRL.
GIRL
OH MY GOD, HI!!
DARTH
Um, yes, hello. How's it going?
GIRL
Awesome, totally awesome!I love
this song!
DARTH
Really? Are you into this type of
music?
GIRL
Oh, I like everything!
DARTH
Everything? How can you possibly
like everything? Surely there must
be some forms of music you dislike?
Surely you appreciate some music to
such an extent that you find other
forms considerably inferior?
GIRL
No, I like everything!Hey do you
like Bono?
DARTH
What's Bono?
GIRL
He's from U2, I was at a concert
once and he did this amazing thing.
He started clapping yeah, and then
he got us all to clap as well yeah,
and then after a minute,he said
something so profound, guess what
he said!
Darth is clearly disinterested and wants to leave.
DARTH
What did he say?
CLOUD
He said that every time he clapped
his hands, an African child died of
hunger!
DARTH
Well, he should have stopped
fucking clapping then.
The girl's enthusiasm is shattered, and she is on the brink
of tears.
CLOUD
That's so mean! Bono rules! He's
done more for the world than you
ever will!
DARTH
Well, I disagree with everything
you say, but will defend to the
death your right to say it!
The girl's mood brightens up again.
GIRL
Really? To the death?
DARTH
Well, maybe not. Maybe until I'm
slightly threatened. Anyway, I'll
be right back.
Darth gets up and hurriedly makes his way put of the club,
with no intention of returning to the girl.
5. EXT/INT. INTERNET CAFE. NIGHT.
While Cloud is walking along the street, she notices a thin
stairwell leading underground. Curious, she cautiously walks
down it. At the foot of the stairwell is a tiny hallway
leading to a room with a large glass window. Through the
window she can see a horde of overweight men in front of
computers, with one hand on the mouse and the other in a bag
of chips,all wearing headphones. She hesitates for a moment,
pondering whether it is worth her while to enter, but she
decides to do so and opens the door, quietly. The geeks are
so involved in their games that they do not notice her
entrance. The distinct sound of keyboard mashing dominates
the atmosphere.
GEEK 1
(talking to computer)
You just got Pwned, n00b!
GEEK 2
(talking to computer)
ALL YOUR BASE, ARE BELONG TO US!
CLOUD
Ahem...Hello?
There is complete silence, as the geeks halt their
activities and stare at Cloud in awe. Finally, the silence
is broken.
GEEK 1
A g..g..gg..girl!
CLOUD
Yes. Don't be alarmed. I've just...
GEEK 2
Who are you and what do you want?
CLOUD
My name is Cloud. Don't ask. What
do I want? Well, its quite
complicated actually.
The geeks twitch about nervously in anticipation.
CLOUD
 (continuing)
To put it simply, I'm looking for a
partner. I'm very lonely, and I was
hoping...
GEEK 2
Evil temptress! How dare you mock
us so?
CLOUD
But...I..
GEEK 1
Begone!
CLOUD
Fine. Be like that. By the
way,while we've been talking, your
Night Elves just got slaughtered by
those Orcs.
Geek 1 looks at his computer screen and is horrifies by what
he sees.
GEEK 1
Sweet son of Satan! Say it isn't
so! I've wasted my life and my
looks!
As Geek 1 drops to his knees, tears flowing from his eyes,
Cloud smirks and walks out of the room.
6. EXT. VARIOUS STREETS. NIGHT.
MONTAGE
Background Music - Love Is All Around by The Troggs
Return to Simply Scripts