House Of Fun

An original short piece

by

Andy Petrou

FADE IN:

EXT. GARDEN -- DAY

A small, decorative tree house.  A rope ladder hanging down.  A sign is pinned on the tree which reads 'House of Fun'. 

A house is visible behind the tree house.  In the drive is a hearse.  Next to it, a large van with 'Chalk's Funeral Home' advertised on it.  

INT. TREE HOUSE -- AFTERNOON

JIMMY CHALK (11) is playing inside the tree house.  A ginger haired, child covered in freckles.  He is a midget.  Jimmy wears his baseball cap backwards.  His glasses are tucked inside his t-shirt pocket.

Action figures scattered around.  Jimmy takes a Spiderman and a Transformer doll and mimics a fighting scene, holding both toys as if they are talking to each other. 

JIMMY
(robotic voice)
Listen up, Spidey.  You've had your chance and you blew it.  Time to be destroyed.
(Spiderman voice)
Ha!  No way is that gonna' happen.  I'm about to kick-

A lot of commotion outside.  Sounds of stones being thrown against the tree house.  A dog BARKING.

JIMMY (CONT'D)
Huh?  What's going on out there?
(shouts)
Daniel!  Is that you?  Quit it!  It's not dinnertime!  Leave me alone!

STANLEY (O.S.)
(shouts)
Oh, Jimmy!  Here little Jimbob.  We got a surprise for you.

Jimmy's smile quickly turns into a frown.  He stands and drops his toys.  

STANLEY (CONT'D)
Come out, ya little freak, haha! 

Jimmy peers through a hole in the tree house.  He reaches for his glasses.  One of the lenses has a crack in it.  He puts them on.

STANLEY TYRELL (11) has jet-black hair and wears an oversized t-shirt.  He is freakishly tall.  Stanley's face is reminiscent of a bulldog.  Quite an ugly child.  The other kids stand nearby.

Jimmy makes a loud GULPING noise.

JIMMY
St.. St.. Stanley?  What do you want?

STANLEY (O.S.)
Come outside, I wanna' show you something.  Stop being a wuss and get down here! 

Jimmy looks around the tree house frantically.  A baseball.  A baseball bat.  A pocketknife.  Marbles.

Beads of sweat coat his forehead and he wipes his sticky ginger hair across his frow.  Dirty tracks smudge across it.

A water gun.  Jimmy looks at a bottle of liquid hesitantly.  Quickly, he fills the water pistol with the liquid.  He points the pistol around the room looking for something. 

A bug catches his eye.  He sprays the bug and smoke steams from the bug's dying body.  Jimmy tucks the water pistol into his shorts and under his shirt.  He's a three-foot trembling wreck.

JIMMY
I'm c-c-c-c-coming, guys.

Jimmy opens the door hatch beneath him and looks at the menacing faces staring back.  A group of five eagerly awaiting boys.

CUT TO: 

EXT. TREE HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS

FATHEAD SIMONE (11).  An obese child with a shaved head and red bulging face.  He stands intimidating, with arms crossed.

SKANK SKI (11).  A skinny boy, with a huge protruding nose and wart on his lip.  He is topless and his ribs poke out grotesquely.  

LONNY LOU (11).  Average looking kid.  Blonde with curtains hanging around his face.  His eyes peek through the gaps.

BENNY G (11).  Handsome, with piercing blue eyes.  Tanned skin and fresh faced.

Jimmy is climbing down the rope ladder.  Stanley walks over to Jimmy who stands in the middle of the group.  He towers over Jimmy.  Jimmy stands trembling, with sore, red eyes. 

STANLEY
You know, Jimbob, we never got to thanking yer for that little stunt you pulled in class the other day.  In fact, we all thought now would be a good time for you to apologize to everyone.  So, apologize already.

JIMMY
(quietly)
S-s-s-sorry, guys.  I'm really sorry.

SKANK SKI
(revealing a mouth full of braces)
Speak up, short-ass.  I didn't hear you.  Fucking make it clear, midget bastard.

JIMMY
I s-s-s-said I'm really sorry, I didn't mean it.  I sh-sh-sh-shoulda' kept my stupid mouth shut.

LONNY LOU
(sarcastically)
Awe, has baby been crying?  You stupid, little fucker.  When the fuck are you gonna' grow?  Should be in the fucking circus, ya freak!

Fathead laughs. 

STANLEY
Is that it, sorry?  Don't gimme' that bullshit Jimmy, you gotta' pay for what you did. 

Stanley reaches inside his trouser pocket and pulls out a pocketknife.  The other boys smile.

BENNY G
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.  We warned you, but you just wouldn't listen, would you?

Jimmy sees Stanley popping out the blade.  Stanley bends down and puts his arm around Jimmy, tightly.  Jimmy clasps his hands together and closes his eyes. 

Laughter.  The boys' circle closes in on Jimmy and Stanley more.

Stanley grabs Jimmy's face and pinches his cheeks.  He squeezes his face very hard.  Jimmy's tongue slips out and his baseball cap falls off.

STANLEY
This is for being a tattletale.  I'm gonna' teach you a lesson you'll never forget.  You don't go bitchin' and whinin' like a sissy to the fuckin' principle, you little queer.

Stanley brings the blade up to Jimmy's mouth.  Jimmy's face is wet from crying.  The boys wait with anticipation.  

Big eyes.  Curious faces. 

Jimmy puts his hand by his waist, feeling for the pistol.

SUDDEN BARKING.  SNARLING.  CHAINS RATTLING.

LONNY LOU
Holy crap that dog's breaking loose, Stan.  Fuckin' cut him and leave already!

Stanley looks at the end of the garden and sees a dog ferociously trying to break loose from his kennel. 

SPRITZ, a large, German shepherd dog with huge black eyes. 

Stanley looks at the dog.  It breaks free and bolts out from his kennel, towards the boys.  

Sheer terror on all the boys' faces.

STANLEY
Jesus fucking Christ!  RUN!

Stanley swipes the knife away from Jimmy's mouth and cuts him on the chin.  Jimmy collapses to the ground cupping his face.  All the boys run away from the dog.  The dog runs straight passed Jimmy.

JIMMY
(to the dog)
Go boy, GO!
(shouts)
So long, assholes!

Jimmy grabs the water pistol from his pants and holds it up as if to shoot the boys in their backs.  He hesitates pulling the trigger.  He lowers his pistol and head and sighs. 

SCREAMS of the boys as they're being chased. 

The dog turns and runs back to Jimmy.  Spritz licks Jimmy all over, making Jimmy laugh.  Jimmy picks his baseball cap off the floor and puts it on backwards.  Blood is trickling down Jimmy's chin and neck.

JIMMY (CONT'D)
Good boy, Spritz, good boy.  Crazy little pup!

Spritz and Jimmy roll around on the ground together.

JIMMY (CONT'D)
I love you too, you scary mutt.  Next time boy, next time.  Shoulda' shot them in the ass and burnt their nuts of, eh boy?

Spritz is jumping all over Jimmy playfully. 

CUT TO: 

EXT. JIMMY'S GARDEN -- AFTERNOON

TERESA CHALK (53) has reddish-brown hair with a slim build.  She wears a full-length clinical blue gown and rubber gloves.  She carries a tray of drinks among other bottles of liquid. 

Spritz is lying in the garden, sunbathing, on a paw print covered blanket.

Teresa walks over to the tree house.

JIMMY CHALK (28) is slim and has short ginger hair.  His face is sun burnt.  He stands three and a half feet tall. DANIEL CHALK (33) is tall, brunette and is topless.  He has a golden tan and wears a snug pair of jeans. 

They are standing on the scaffolding, which is attached to the original part of the tree house.  Another, larger room is being built by the two men. 

TERESA
(shouts, looking up)
You boys doing okay up there?  I made you some lemonade.

She sets the tray down on a nearby table.  Spritz struggles to get up and walks very slowly to Teresa.  His hind legs are wobbly and he's panting heavily.

JIMMY (O.S.)
(shouts)
Thanks, mom!

TERESA
(shouts, looking up)
Okay, boys.  I'm going back in to help your father.  We got another client this week and on top of the three that came in already.  That pileup sure brought us a lot of business
(mumbling to herself)
What a time for Tim to be off sick.

She walks around the bottom of the tree house inspecting the extension above.  Jimmy and Daniel lean over the scaffolding to see Teresa.

TERESA (CONT'D)
Jimmy, your father needs you to help out.  I know you're on holiday but--

JIMMY
--It's fine, mom.  

TERESA
Thank you, son.

Jimmy winks at her.  Teresa is tilting her head up and is squinting from the bright sun.

TERESA (CONT'D)
Well, I see the tree house is coming on nicely.  Starting to look bigger than the house!  Danny, tell your brother he can't live outside all his life.  It's not normal.

JIMMY
I've never been normal, why start now?

DANIEL
Don't drag me into this, mom!  I'm just following orders while I got some spare time.  It's pretty cool up here though.  You got one heck of a view up here, Jim. 

Teresa shakes her head and whistles for Spritz to get up.  Spritz wags his tail.  Teresa walks over to the dog.

TERESA
Who's a good boy?  Old Mr. Spritz is who.  C'mon Spritz, din dins.

Teresa and Spritz walk slowly back to the house.

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT  -- NIGHT - FLASHBACK 

Bottles of liquid fill cabinets all around the brightly lit room.  There are two trolleys in the center with bodies on them.  One body is covered in plastic and the other exposes the corpse of a badly burnt woman, whose face is mutilated beyond recognition.

KARL CHALK (36) is in the process of embalming the female corpse.  He is a short, slim man with graying hair.  He wears glasses.  He is hard at work.

Liquids flow from a bottle attached to the tube which, is being inserted into the dead woman.  Karl is fiddling with this tube.  Another tube is attached to the other side of the dead woman where grotesque colors flow.

JIMMY CHALK (11) walks in wearing jean shorts and a t-shirt, with Spiderman printed on it.  He wears his baseball cap on sideways.  He also sports a big plaster on his chin.

JIMMY
Hey, dad.

KARL
(nods)
Come to give the old man a hand?

JIMMY
(surprised)
Nah, just thought I'd watch you for a minute.

Jimmy dons a blue gown, washes his hands and picks up a high chair.  He takes the chair over to his dad and climbs up on it, sits down and watches his father work.

KARL
So, you're thinking of joining me here one day, Jimmy?

JIMMY
(his face turns sour)
It's kinda'... gross dad.  Don't you get scared of all these dead people lying around, making creepy noises?  I don't like it when they move about either.

KARL
What's to be scared of?  You think she's gonna' wake up and say, BOO!

Jimmy looks startled

JIMMY
(laughs)
Cut it out, pop!  Are her family going to see her like that?

KARL
Of course not, Jimmy. I'll work my magic on her like I always do. 
(pause)
Is everything ok, son?  Somethin' on your mind you wanna' tell me about?

JIMMY
(touching his chin)
The kids at school won't stop picking on me.  I try to be nice to everyone, but nobody cares.  Why doesn't anyone accept me, dad?  

KARL
Jimmy, you're special.  It's because you are special that some kids are scared of you.  See, they don't like things that are different.

Jimmy nods in agreement with a look of slight confusion on his freckly face. 

KARL (CONT'D)
Do you think my friends think I'm normal, with dead people in my basement?  

Jimmy perks up and his eyes widen.  Karl turns to face Jimmy.

KARL (CONT'D)
Do you know how many years I've had to listen to them poke fun at me?  Creepy this, freaky that.

JIMMY
My friends think I'm strange too!  I just wish I was normal, dad.

KARL
PAH!  Who wants to be normal?  Normal is for losers, Jimmy. Always remember that.  You'll get through life because you are unique, wait and see.

JIMMY
But dad, Stanley always follows--

KARL
--Listen to me.  Every time someone says something to you, just smile.  Don't say a word.  Don't give them the satisfaction, Jimmy, ok?  Especially that Tyrell kid.  That boy's gonna' get into all sorts of trouble in life, you mark my words.

Jimmy nods.

KARL (CONT'D)
Now, pass me that tube and I'll show you a little trick I've discovered.  One day, you'll need to know this. 

Jimmy smiles and his dad gently caresses the back of his head.  Jim takes the tube that Karl is pointing at, out from under the corpse.  He passes it to Karl.

KARL (CONT'D)
Now, you have to be careful, sometimes they're stubborn.  Especially women.  More so after they're dead.

Karl leans over the female corpse with the tube. 

A POPPING sound.  Jim and Karl look at each other, impressed.

JIMMY
Ewe, gross!

CUT TO:

INT. HIGHSCHOOL LOCKER ROOM -- DAY - FLASHBACK

A blurry image of a large fist. 

JIMMY CHALK (16) is lying unconscious on the locker room floor.  His face is bruised and bleeding. His t-shirt is torn. His ginger hair is wild and messy.  STANLEY TYRELL (16) is wearing ripped t-shirt and jeans.  He has a tattoo on his arm and an earring.  His hair is long and unkempt.  He crouches over Jimmy and holds his head up.  Jimmy comes to.

JIMMY
Please, Stanley, no more.  I'm begging you.

STANLEY
Why the fuck should I listen to your sorry midget-ass?  You think I'm gonna' let it slide now, you dumb-fuck?

Stanley holds his fist in the air, threateningly. 

JIMMY
I'm sorry, really.  Please, let me go, I'll do whatever you want, anything, you name it.

Stanley lets Jimmy go and his head falls to the ground with a loud THUD.  Jimmy grimaces in pain.

Stanley walks over to a sink and washes his bloody hands.

Jimmy stands and bends over in pain.  He coughs and wipes the blood from his mouth.  He's so short in comparison to Stanley.

Stanley turns around and looks at Jimmy, who is crying.

STANLEY
Look at you.  You look pathetic, you know that?

Jimmy looks scared.

STANLEY (CONT'D)
You bug the shit out of me.  I can't help but want to pound your face in.

JIMMY
(quietly)
But... why?  What I ever do to you?

Stanley's eyes grow bigger and Jimmy steps back once.

STANLEY
At every opportunity you disrespect me.  I can't stand the way you think the world owes you fuckin' something.  I owe you nothing.  Don't try to talk to me and stay the fuck away from my boys.  You're always sucking up to them and I can't stand that shit.

Stanley walks over to Jimmy and grabs him by the collar and drags him over to the mirror.

STANLEY (CONT'D)
You're a fucking freak.  Look at you!  You make me sick, I can't stand the sight of you.  You need to be in a freak show or something!

Jimmy is shaking.  He can barely look at himself in the mirror.

JIMMY
I-I-I-I- I don't understand.  You always pick on me, I've never done anything, St-st-st-st Stanley.

STANLEY
I said stay the fuck away from me and my friends.  I don't want a freak like you embarrassing me, got it?

Jimmy nods and Stanley lets him go.  The school bell RINGS loudly.

CUT TO:

EXT. VAN -- MORNING

DANIEL CHALK (33) opens the rear doors of the van.  JIMMY CHALK (28) and KARL CHALK (55) wait patiently with a trolley.  Karl's head is bald. Both Karl and Jimmy wear full length blue gowns. Daniel is dressed in casual attire.

KARL
Thanks, Danny.  Tim's still not back, reckons he's got some kinda' flu bug or something.

DANIEL
Don't mention it dad.  This one's messy.  You both got your work cut out for you.  Literally.

JIMMY
What's the deal with this one?

DANIEL
Um... Jim, you might want to check this one out yourself.  You're never gonna' believe it.

JIMMY
(worried)
Oh shit, who is it?

DANIEL
Public enemy number one.

JIMMY
No way!  Stanley's dead?

KARL
Holy crap!

Jimmy and Daniel look shocked.

KARL (CONT'D)
What?  I'm not swearing!

Daniel and Karl lift the body bag out from the van onto the trolley.  SLOSHING sounds.

Jimmy and Karl look at each other and cringe.

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT -- CONTINUOUS

Karl is preparing to open the body bag up.  Jimmy and Daniel wait patiently.  Karl unzips the bag slowly. 

KARL
Lord, have mercy!  What the hell in the name of God was this boy thinking?

Jimmy and Daniel stare in awe at the body bag.  Jimmy turns to Daniel. Karl quickly zips the bag back up.

JIMMY
So lemme' get this straight then.  He was sitting on the ledge of a high-rise building while his girlfriend was sucking him off and she accidentally pushed him?  

Daniel nods.  Karl hangs his head low and shakes it.

JIMMY (CONT'D)
Okay... so then he landed in a dump truck which coincidentally happened to be doing it's rounds and then it mutilated the shit out of his body?

Daniel nods.

KARL
(laughs)
Now that really and truly does blow.

Daniel and Jimmy laugh immediately and then stop.  

DANIEL
(sarcastically)
Dad, show some respect.

KARL
Respect my ass!  That son of a bitch got what was coming to him.  Tormenting Jimmy all these years.  It's about time Karma paid this low life a visit.

Karl puts his arm around Jimmy. 

KARL (CONT'D)
Jimmy, fix him up real good, his family want an open coffin.  Will be a test to say the least.

JIMMY
(shocked)
I'm not touching him!

KARL
You have to. I'm too busy with my motorcyclist guy.  Gotta' get him fixed up by this afternoon, sorry son.

JIMMY
God!  An open coffin?  Are you kidding?  Didn't you tell them how messed up he is?  They have to go with a cremation.

KARL
Nope.  They insist on an open coffin.  They want to say their good-byes son, it's not my decision.  Just do the best you can.

JIMMY
How in the world am I going to do this?

DANIEL
(laughs)
Piece by piece?

Jimmy shakes his head in disbelief.

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT -- NIGHT

Party poppers and balloons everywhere.  The song "House of Fun" by Madness is blasting in the background.

LONNY LOU (28) is a tall, blonde skinhead.  

SKANK SKI (28) looks painfully thin in his baggy t-shirt and trousers.  He has a large wart across the top of his lip.  

BENNY G (28) is a very handsome man.  He has an athletic build and wears a fitted t-shirt revealing his muscles.  

FATHEAD (28) is obese.  He wears a party hat and the elastic band digs deep into his chin grotesquely.  He wears an unbuttoned black shirt, with a t-shirt underneath revealing an image of Kurt Cobain. 

They are dancing in the basement and drinking bottles of beer. 

STANLEY TYRELL'S (28) corpse is in the middle of the room on the table.  Only his neck and face are visible.  His face is painted up like a clown and he wears a pointy hat and curly orange wig.  Jimmy is sitting on a high chair.  He is putting a red, spongy ball on Stanley's nose.

BENNG G
C'mon Jim, he's done. Come join the party!

JIMMY
Just a sec, here's the
(French accent)
Piece de resistance...

Jimmy pulls a black top hat from a nearby table with surgical instruments on it and pulls out a water pistol.  He points it at Stanley's body.

JIMMY (CONT'D)
VOILA!  Now, who wants to take a shot at this motherfucker?

Fathead promptly barges passed the others and a series of balloons bounce in the air behind him.  He joins Jimmy. 

He snatches the pistol away from Jimmy and points it directly at Stanley.

FATHEAD
Stanley, you had this fucking comin', bro. Too many fat jokes, asshole! 

He fires a stream of liquid shots at Stanley's face.  The paint begins to run and smudge his make-up and steam fills the air. 

The sound of SIZZLING skin over the music.

Benny G and Lonny Lou turn away in disgust.  Skank Ski is mesmerized by the dissolving skin.  Jimmy leans in very close to Stanley's sizzling face.

JIMMY
(Singing)
Welcome to the lion's den temptation's on his way, welcome to the house of fun!
(angry)
You sorry assed, good for nothing, punk piece of shit-loving motherfucker!  Who's the fucking freak now, cocksucker? 

Jimmy is laughing uncontrollably.  A sinister expression is on his face.

The room is swaying and the faces of the men grow larger and larger. 

Jimmy swipes the pistol from Fathead's bulging hand and begins spraying Stanley uncontrollably.  Steam fills the entire room. 

CUT TO:

INT. TREE HOUSE -- NIGHT

Jimmy is sleeping in is bed.  He wakes suddenly and his face is covered in sweat.  He switches on a small light next to him.

Inside the tree house.  Wooden walls and a large window with blue curtains.  A framed photo of Spritz, Daniel and Jimmy as children.

Jimmy is wearing pajamas.  He gets out of bed and reaches for a bottle of water, which is on a table in the corner of the room.  He takes a long drink from it. 

JIMMY
What a fucked up dream!

He gets back into bed and switches off the light.  Moonlight fills the room.

JIMMY (CONT'D)
(singing quietly)
Good morning miss, can I help you son, sixteen today and up for fun.  I'm a big boy now or so they say, so if you'll serve I'll be on my way.

CUT TO:

INT. FUNERAL PARLOR -- MORNING

Jimmy is standing next to Stanley's coffin.  The lid is open.  Stanley is dressed in a smart black suit.  Flowers adorn the room and there are rows of empty benches lined up.

Teresa walks in and stands next to Jimmy.

TERESA
This is your finest hour, Jimmy, you did a wonderful job.  He's your best work yet.

Jimmy stands quietly.

TERESA (CONT'D)
Are you ok, Jim?

JIMMY
I'm fine, mom.  Didn't sleep too well.  Had a lot on my mind.  Seems kinda' surreal burying Stan. 

TERESA
I know, son.  I'll leave you for a few minutes, before the family gets here.

She rubs his shoulder and leaves.

Jimmy stares at the body.  A heavy BREATHING sound.  Startled Jimmy spins around. 

STANLEY'S GHOST.  

He's wearing the same outfit that his corpse is buried in. Jimmy does a double take between the coffin and the ghost.

JIMMY
(scared)
Holy, fucking crap!  

STANLEY'S GHOST
This doesn't mean I like you, motherfucker.

FADE OUT:

THE END.