This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
Green Wing Series 3, Ep.01 Written by Dom3451 PREVIOUSLY... ------------------------------------------------------------------ EXT. CLIFF-EDGE (SERIES 1, EP. 9) Shot of ambulance dangling over a cliff. INT. HOSPITAL- MAC'S ROOM (SERIES 2, EP. 1) GUY Wake up, or the kitty gets it. INT. HOSPITAL- MAC'S ROOM (SERIES 2, EP. 1) Shot of SUE WHITE wanking off MAC. INT. SUE WHITE'S OFFICE (SERIES 2, EP. 1) Shot of SUE injecting the siemen into her vagina. SUE Three little fishies, and a mamma fishy too... INT. HOSPITAL- MAC'S ROOM (SERIES 2, EP. 1) Shot of MAC jolting awake. EXT. OUTSIDE PUB (SERIES 2, EP. 4) GUY Can I have a room in your flat? CAROLINE House. GUY House. Please? CAROLINE Oh, yes! Yes! Whatever! INT. CAROLINE'S HOUSE(SERIES 2, EP. 5) Shot of GUY & CAROLINE kissing. INT. CORRIDOR (SERIES 2, EP. 5) JAKE Do you want to go out for a drink with me sometime? EXT. OUTSIDE CAROLINE'S HOUSE (SERIES 2, EP. 6) Shot of GUY throwing the pen knife from his window. JAKE Oww!! INT. CURRY HOUSE (SERIES 2, EP. 7) SUE That's right! I'm pregnant! And the best part is... it's Mac's!!! INT. CORRIDOR (SERIES 2, EP. 7) SUE He's not his; Holy's kid. She dies his hair. She's history! INT. CORRIDOR (SERIES 2, EP. 8) MAC For you. (hands SUE a piece of paper) SUE A restraining order? INT. CANTEEN (SERIES 2, EP. 8) MARTIN, KIM, RACHEL & KAREN make a pyramid with MARTIN at the top. KIM/RACHEL/KIM Marry him! Marry him! Marry him! MARTIN Marry me! INT. THEATRE (SERIES 2, EP. 8) GUY Marry me. CAROLINE What? Is this some sort of bet? GUY No, this is me. This is me, asking you to marry me. EXT. OUTSIDE HOSPITAL (SERIES 2, EP. 8) CAROLINE Are you going to propose? Because I've already been asked by two other people. MAC And what did you say to them? CAROLINE Yes, no, and maybe. MAC Right. And which one would I be? CAROLINE Oh, you would be the yes! INT/EXT. MOBILE HOME (SERIES 2, EP. 8) ALAN STATHAM, JOANNA & MARTIN speed along the road. ALAN They're coming to get me! I'll be put in jail! JOANNA Give me the wheel! JOANNA, ALAN & MARTIN fight over the wheel. EXT. TRAIN STATION (SERIES 2, EP. 8) GUY (O/S) Caroline! CAROLINE Mac? GUY walks through the fog. EXT. CLIFF EDGE (SERIES 2, EP. 8) Shot of mobile home dangling over a cliff. END OF "PREVIOUSLY" ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. CAROLINE'S HOUSE- MIDDLE OF NIGHT CAROLINE & GUY are both sleeping (in the same bed). Suddenly, GUY jerkes awake. GUY (yawns) See, love IS waking up in the middle of the night! GUY looks over at CAROLINE. GUY Caroline? Caro? Are you awake? Caroline? GUY gently nudges CAROLINE. GUY Caroline? (yelling) Caroline!! CAROLINE wakes up. CAROLINE Bloody hell! What?! GUY Are you awake? CAROLINE Well, I am now! GUY I can't sleep either. CAROLINE Good for you. Now, I have to get up in about three hours, so just let me sleep. CAROLINE lies down. GUY No, no, don't go back to sleep! CAROLINE Why not? GUY I thought we could talk. CAROLINE I want to go to sleep! GUY Come on, we're a couple, I have to do what you want, and you have to do what I want! CAROLINE Exactly, and I want to sleep! GUY And I want to talk! CAROLINE Oh, for God's sake! (CAROLINE sits up in bed) What do you want to talk about? GUY Well...um... GUY thinks for a while. GUY I... CAROLINE Go on! You wanted to talk. What do you want to talk about? GUY Well... actually, I wanted to have sex with you. CAROLINE stares at GUY. Then she lies down, and goes back to sleep. CUT TO: EXT. CLIFF EDGE- MIDDLE OF NIGHT Exterior shot of motor home. CUT TO: INT/EXT. MOBILE HOME- M.O.N JOANNA & MARTIN are asleep. ALAN pokes JOANNA until she wakes up. JOANNA What? ALAN I can't sleep. JOANNA Me neither. Not with you prodding me. ALAN I keep think about the dwarf. JOANNA What? ALAN This is it. JOANNA What's what? ALAN This is it. The dwarf's revenge. JOANNA Oh, for God's sake. Look, Alan, this isn't some sort of payback. ALAN Everything happened for a reason. JOANNA Everything? What about, um... me giving birth to Martin? That was a BIG mistake. ALAN No, no. It seems he has a purpose after all. There is something at this cliff. JOANNA Maybe his dad works in the cliff. ALAN What, mining? JOANNA If you like. ALAN Like a diamond-mine? Like in Snow White and the Seven... (ALAN looks around) Dwarves? JOANNA Jesus! Let's change the subject. What about... MARTIN wakes up. MARTIN What are we doing? JOANNA We're finding out what happened for a reason, and what didn't. MARTIN Ooh! That time I broke my foot at the swimming pool! ALAN That was for a reason. You went to a hospital, and years later, you worked at one. MARTIN Okay. Good answer, good answer. Um... how about that time Caroline turned me down when I proposed? JOANNA You propsed to Caroline Trodd? MARTIN Yep. Pause. Then JOANNA & ALAN laugh. JOANNA Oh, I haven't laughed like that since Alan asked me out. Anyway, yeah, that was for a reason. MARTIN Really? I'd love to know what it is. JOANNA It's obvious, isn't it? You're short, bald, ugly, who would be interested in you? MARTIN Karen. JOANNA Well, there's a reason for that, too. She's blind. MARTIN No, she isn't! JOANNA Yes, she is! MARTIN No, she isn't! JOANNA Yes, she is! MARTIN No, she isn't! JOANNA (pause) All right, then, she isn't. She just has shit taste in men. MARTIN looks offended. MARTIN All right, then! Was there a reason that you slept with Guy? Long, awkward pause. JOANNA No. There was no reason for that. That was just God being a complete and utter wanker. MARTIN God? No, Mum! It's pronounced "Guy"! JOANNA looks at MARTIN, and slaps him. JOANNA Take that, you Todd-loving midget. ALAN Don't say midget! JOANNA Why not? ALAN It is forbidden! So are the words dwarf, pixie, elf, small person, Doc, Dopey, Bashful, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, or Sneezy! MARTIN Wow! I can never remember the names of ALL the dwarves! ALAN I said don't say dwarf!! CUT TO: INT. MAC'S FLAT- M.O.N MAC is pacing around the living room, with a glass of whisky in his hand. He walks over to the fridge, and sees a picture of Holly & him taped to the door. He rips it off, and sees a picture of CAROLINE underneath it. He stares at it for a while, runs his hand along it, and then takes it off the door. He throws the picture of HOLLY in the bin, and places CAROLINE on his table. CUT TO: INT. CAROLINE'S HOUSE- MORNING GUY walks to the curtains, and flings the curtains open pouring sunlight onto CAROLINE. This wakes her up. CAROLINE Oh, God! Turn the light off! GUY It's not the light! It's the sun! We gotta get up! Come on, let's face the day! GUY drags her from the bed. CAROLINE heads to the bathroom. GUY What are you doing? CAROLINE I just woke up. What do you think I'm doing? I need to use the loo, brush my teeth, put on some make-up... GUY You don't need any. CAROLINE I don't? GUY No! You're beautiful just the way you are. CAROLINE Aww. Thankyou. GUY kisses CAROLINE. GUY Ooh. Actually, you should probably put a little bit on. CAROLINE walks into the bathroom. GUY Not too much! I mean, don't cake it on! Otherwise, you'll look like a prossie. CAROLINE (O/S) Ooh, thanks! That's so thoughtful! CUT TO: EXT/INT. MOBILE HOME- DAY ALAN sticks his head out the window. ALAN (at the top of his voice) Help!! Help!! Bloody help!! JOANNA For, Christ's sake, shut up! Ho d'you think's gonna hear you? The sheep? ALAN Hmm, good point. We must learn their language! ALAN sticks his head out the window again. ALAN Baa! Baa!! Bloody baa!! JOANNA rolls up the windows, and ALAN gets his head stuck. ALAN Baa!! I mean ow!! MARTIN Dr. Statham, crying for help isn't gonna work. Believe me, I've tried it. JOANNA How would you know? Do you think you're Indiana Jones or something? MARTIN No! I've been stuck on a cliff edge before, actually! JOANNA Oh, that's right. You have, haven't you. MARTIN Exactly. When me, Mac & Guy were stuck up here, we shouted ourselves hoarse. And it was worse for Guy, because he already looked like a horse. Pause. JOANNA So-so how did you manage to get free? MARTIN Well... this won't be easy to say. JOANNA What? MARTIN Well, one of us will have to end up in a coma. Bagsie not me! CUT TO: EXT. STREET- DAY MAC rides through town on his motorbike. He stops next to a car at traffic light. He looks in the car, and sees it's HOLLY. She waves at him. He flips her off, and then ignores her completely. CUT TO: INT. CAROLINE'S HOUSE- BATHROOM- DAY CAROLINE is brushing her teeth, when GUY barges in. CAROLINE What are you doing? GUY I need to get ready too, you know! CAROLINE I'm in here at the moment, and there's only one sink! GUY All right, okay. I just thought we could, y'know... do something together. CAROLINE Like what? GUY Take a shower together? CAROLINE No. GUY Bath? CAROLINE No! GUY How about I just watch you go to the toilet? CAROLINE Piss off, Guy! GUY Ooh! I could sit on the bog, and you could give me a lapdance! CAROLINE Get out! GUY Okay, okay! I'm going! Enjoy your bloody washing! You seem to get such a kick out of it! GUY leaves. CAROLINE contines brushing her teeth, and then GUY walks back in. GUY How about breakfast? CAROLINE What? GUY How about I make you a nice breakfast? CAROLINE Wow. That's really thoughtful. Thanks, Guy. GUY Yeah, and you could repay me by sucking- CAROLINE Oh, fuck off!! GUY leaves, and then walks back in. GUY How about hand relief? CAROLINE glares at GUY. GUY No? GUY leaves. CUT TO: INT. CORRIDOR- DAY BOYCE is on the phone, when MAC walks past. MAC Oh, Boyce. Could I have a word? BOYCE Yeah. Just hold on. One sec. (into phone) Okay, look, just get your clothes off and I'll be there in half an hour. Okay, bye. Love you, Kim. (BOYCE hangs up) Shit. I just told her I loved her. MAC Yeah, good for you. Um, listen, I need to give some forms back to Dr. Wanker. BOYCE Who's Dr. Wanker? MAC You don't know if? Shit. BOYCE Well, that's obviously a nickname for him. So, who are you talking about? MAC Okay, I'll give you some hints. He's a wanker. BOYCE So, his name is Dr. Wanker, and he's a wanker? MAC Correct. BOYCE Uh... Guy? MAC Sorry, no. However, good guess. It's D. Statham. BOYCE Damn. Should have known. MAC Yep. Where is he? BOYCE Dunno. Last I heard, he was hiding from the pigs? MAC What pigs? BOYCE Y'know... the pigs. MAC The ones that don't let wolves in their homes? The ones that have hair on their chinny-chin-chins? BOYCE No, the filth. MAC Dirt? BOYCE Jesus Christ! The POLICE!! MAC Oh! BOYCE Finally! MAC Yeah! Why's he hiding from the police? BOYCE I don't really know, but it has something to do with a dwarf. MAC Just the one? The other six are still in the mine? BOYCE It's all about fairytales with you, isn't it? No, he stole a campavan with Joanna Clore the Whore. MAC Really? What, have they eloped or something? BOYCE I can't say. MAC You don't know, or are you just being a bastard and not telling me? BOYCE I don't know. MAC Well, if they're in a stolen vehicle, maybe they'll be over a cliff by now. BOYCE Why would they do that? MAC Hmm? I dunno. Just thinking out loud. BOYCE A bit random, though, don't you think? MAC Yeah, you're right. That's a once-in-a-lifetime thing. BOYCE walks away, and MAC smiles to himself. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO INT. OPERATING THEATRE- DAY GUY, CAROLINE & MAC are operating on a MALE PATIENT. None of them are talking to each other. GUY Um... so... me and caro are engaged. MAC (unfazed) Really? Oh, good for you. GUY I'm sorry, ginger man, I'm not sure if you quite heard me. I am going to marry Caroline Todd! CAROLINE Shut up, you swiss piece of shit! GUY Why? See, The Amazing Gingero over here isn't bothered! Or is he? Maybe he's just putting on a big brave front to piss me off, because I'm trying to annoy him, but I can tell it's eating away at him inside. MAC I'm really not bothered. Me and caroline are just close friends. Admittedly, we were VERY close sometimes. GUY Well, then. You'll just have to stay away from now on, won't you, you ginger-pubed twat, or pay the price! MAC Yeah? GUY Yeah. MAC And what price would that be? GUY Uhh... dunno, really. Haven't thought about it yet. But, I dunno, fiver, tenner. MAC Right. You're charging admission for me to kiss your wife? GUY Yes, that is what I am doing. And there is nothing you can do about it. Nothing. (MORE) GUY (CONT'D) (singing) Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! CAROLINE I could divorce you, and go out with Mac. GUY suddenly looks shocked. GUY Well, yeah. But you're not going to, are you? CAROLINE remains silent. GUY Are you? CAROLINE still remains silent. GUY Right, that is it! Caroline Todd, you plain, ugly, boring, friendless, bitch, I divorce you! That's right! You can fuck off to Ginger Nuts over here, I don't care! It's not my responsibility to care! I can go back out on the pull Friday nights, so fuck you!! Pause. CAROLINE I actually wasn't going to divorce you. GUY What? CAROLINE But since you just dumped me... I'm feeling vulnerable. Maybe I'll just jump into bed with the next person I see. (GUY smiles) Apart from you. GUY Christ!! Look, I'll un-dump you! Happy? CAROLINE (not bothered) Meh. They work in silence for a while. GUY (talking about patient) I tell you what's weird. He could have just gone on diets, and gone to the gym, and that would only cost him about £200. And yet, he's going to get his stomach stapled, which will cost him about a grand. He's just... he's just a lazy fuck. CUT TO: INT. SUE WHITE'S OFFICE- DAY SUE is holding her baby (tiger). SUE Aw, you're so adorable, aren't you? Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Oh, you look just like your father aswell. Yes, you do. You're just adorable. KIM walks in. SUE Oh. Can I help you, Becky? KIM It's Kim, actually. SUE Oh, sorry. My mistake. Have a seat, Becky. KIM sits down. SUE Now how can I help you? KIM Well, I heard you had your baby a couple days ago. SUE Indeed I did. KIM I just wanted to congratulate you. SUE Oh. Well, thankyou. Would you like to hold him? KIM Oh. Okay, thanks. SUE passes KIM the tiger. SUE Careful. It's fanging. KIM It's what? It's fanny? SUE No, fanging. It's like teething, you stupid bitch. KIM looks at the cub. KIM This, um... this isn't a baby. SUE How dare you? Get out! KIM What? SUE Get out of my office, now! KIM leaves. SUE Come back!! KIM returns. KIM What? SUE If it's not a baby, what is it? KIM A tiger. There is a pause. Then, SUE slaps KIM. KIM You scottish bitch! SUE Oi! You watch your language around my wee bairn! Now get the fuck out of my pissing office, and stay fuck away from my baby, you little cunt!! KIM leaves in shock. SUE (to her baby) Did you hear that? Those are naughty words. They're naughty words, and you're not allowed to say them. SUE puts her baby on the desk. SUE Oh, screw it. He's never gonna talk. CUT TO: EXT/INT. MOBILE HOME- DAY MARTIN is in the middle of a conversation. MARTIN So, what I did was, I just leapt out of the ambulance, kicked those sharks to death, and swam to safety. Luckily, I had found some rope, so I tied Mac to one arm, and Guy to the other. JOANNA This is bullshit, isn't it? MARTIN Hey! Why would you say that?? JOANNA Two reasons. Number one, you wouldn't be able to swim with somebody tied to your arms. And number two... well, it's obviously bullshit. MARTIN Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Still, pretty good story, wasn't it? JOANNA Not really. It was crap. MARTIN What? Why? JOANNA Because you could tell it was bullshit. ALAN Exactly. That's why I laughed half-way through the story. MARTIN Really? I thought you were laughing at my joke. JOANNA Nah, that was crap, too. MARTIN Why? JOANNA Because it's a lie! If it was true, that would have made it funny! The only thing funny about it is that you thought we would think it was true! MARTIN Oh. Pause. MARTIN Still, pretty good story, wasn't it? CUT TO: INT. SUPPLY CLOSET- DAY GUY pulls CAROLINE in, and closes the door. CAROLINE Guy, I'm not gonna shag you in here! I need to work! GUY No, I don't want sex! Not this time! CAROLINE Wow. This must be serious. What's up. GUY What's up? What's up? My temper went up when you were joking around, saying you were gonna divorce me! CAROLINE You divorced me!! GUY Yeah, but that was different! CAROLINE How? GUY It was a joke!! CAROLINE Well, I was joking too! GUY Yes, but only I am allowed to make jokes like that! CAROLINE Why? GUY Because I'm a man! I am the leader of this relationship! Long pause, as CAROLINE looks shocked. CAROLINE You really think that? GUY Of course! It's been like that since the beginning of time! CAROLINE You sexist bastard! GUY Well, yes, I am quite sexy. Thankyou. CAROLINE No, I said you were sexist, you twat! Clearly, you're deaf aswell! CAROLINE runs out, and GUY watches her leave. GUY Caroline! Come back! I order you to come back! I'm the man! Don't you defy me! Don't you flip me off, either!! Hey, I said no! CUT TO: EXT/INT. MOBILE HOME- DAY MARTIN, JOANNA & ALAN are all sitting around, doing nothing. JOANNA I'm so bored. (to MARTIN) What did you do when you were up here? MARTIN We just waited for the police. But that can take a couple days. ALAN Two days? Two bloody days?! I... oh, bloody, bloody... you bloody... MARTIN Dr, Statham, it's easier to just let it out. ALAN Bloody... bloody... bloody... MARTIN Come on, don't keep it bottled up inside. ALAN Ohh... Bloody fuck shits and tits and tit wank and ohh bloody wank stain cock dribble penis dick cock willy fuuuuck!!! Pause. MARTIN Feel better? ALAN Much. CUT TO: INT. OPERATING THEATRE- DAY MAC & CAROLINE are working on the patient in silence. GUY looks bored. GUY (singing) You're ginger!! MAC Shut it. GUY (singing, but quieter) You're ginger. MAC Shut it means shut it. Y'know, completely. Not just be a bit quieter. It means shut the fuck up!! GUY & CAROLINE look shocked. GUY Jesus, what's wrong with you? You're not your usual cheery, gingerpubed self at all. MAC Sorry, sorry. I've just gotten some bad news. GUY Is it about Holly? Who's hair did she die this time? MAC Right, get out! GUY What?! MAC Get out! Just go get some fresh air or something! GUY But air's boring! There's plenty of it in the world! But there's only one Mac to piss off. MAC Yes, and now you have succeeded in pissing me off, so your job is done. Now get out! GUY Fine! I'm going, I'm going! God! GUY kisses CAROLINE. GUY Love you. CAROLINE Yep. GUY waits for a response. GUY Well? CAROLINE Well what? GUY Aren't you going to say "I love you too?" CAROLINE Okay, fine. I love you, too. GUY See, now you didn't mean. You only said it because I asked you to. You're just trying to make me leave. MAC No, that's me, and I should warn you, I have a scalpel in my hand. GUY leaves. MAC Oh, God. Okay. Let's get back to work. They work in silence for a moment. CAROLINE So, you said you had some bad news. MAC Yep. CAROLINE May I ask what it is? MAC I probably shouldn't tell you. CAROLINE Oh, come on, share. Don't keep me guessing. MAC No, I just really think you'll be a lot happier if you didn't know. CAROLINE I don't care. I'm used to being unhappy. MAC Um... okay. (pause) Now, listen. This is some very life changing news. CAROLINE For you or for me? MAC For both of us. And for the donkey-faced twat outside. CAROLINE Now I have to know. What is it? MAC All right, look. You will be very unhappy. CAROLINE I told you, I don't mind. Long pause. MAC I'm dying. Long pause as CAROLINE looks shocked. MAC (trying to break the silence) So, are you gonna watch the match tonight? END OF ACT TWO ACT THREE INT. SUE WHITE'S OFFICE- DAY BOYCE walks in. SUE Boycey. Boycey, Boycey, Boycey. BOYCE Hi. Um, look, I need your help. SUE Well, that's what I'm here for. To help, to care, to cure the problem. BOYCE Right. Look, I told Kim over the phone that I loved her. SUE Whoah, whoah, whoah! Slow down there, maistro! Who's Kim? BOYCE My girlfriend. SUE looks confused. BOYCE I'm always shagging her. SUE looks confused. BOYCE The one you always call Becky. SUE Ah, yes. Becky. How is she? BOYCE Not really. She's screwed up in the head ever since I told her I love her. SUE Well, how screwed up? CUT TO: INT. HR OFFICE- DAY HARRIET, RACHEL, OLLIE & KAREN are working in silence. Suddenly, KIM runs in, screaming. CUT TO: INT. SUE WHIT'E OFFICE- DAY SUE I see. BOYCE Yeah. Pause. SUE Well, do you love her? BOYCE No! I don't think so! I mean, we've been going out for almost a year, and I just can't stop thinking about her. She's always in my head. SUE In what way? BOYCE Well, she's just really fit, and it's just... the way she sucks my- SUE WHOAH!! BOYCE Sorry, it's just, I keep thinking about her. SUE You never get her out of your head? BOYCE No! I mean... anyone would think I... love her. Pause. BOYCE I love her. SUE Wow. And to think, it was me who helped you realise it. BOYCE Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it was! BOYCE grabs SUE and kisses her. SUE Oh, my God! You kissed another woman! You're being unfaithful to Becky! BOYCE No! No, I was just thanking you! SUE Doesn't matter! You still kissed me!! I'm gonna tell Becky! SUE runs out. BOYCE chases after her. CUT TO: INT. CORRIDOR- DAY SUE runs down the corridor, with BOYCE close behind her. CUT TO: INT. ANETHTATIST'S ROOM- DAY GUY walks in, and sees CAROLINE crying. He sits down next to her and hugs her. GUY What's wrong? CAROLINE Oh, nothing. GUY Well, it's obviously something if you're this upset. You can tell me. You can tell me anything. CAROLINE It's nothing. I just got some bad news. GUY How bad? CAROLINE Really bad. GUY How really bad? CAROLINE Really, really bad. GUY How really, really bad? Pause. CAROLINE Mac's dying. Long pause. GUY Oh, my God. CAROLINE (confused) What, you care that he's dying? GUY Of course! It's Mac we're talking about! CAROLINE I thought you hated him. Pause. GUY I can tell you anything, can't I? CAROLINE We're getting married, of course you can. GUY I just put it on. CAROLINE Put what on? Make-up? GUY No! I don't wear make-up... well, I haven't since I moved in with you. Pause. GUY Anyway, yeah, the truth's out. I only pretend to hate the ginger Fu... I only pretend to hate Mac. CAROLINE Really? GUY Yeah. CAROLINE Why? Long pause. GUY Because... I'm sort of intimidated by him. CAROLINE What? Bollocks. GUY No, I am. I mean, look at him. All he does is snap his fingers, and wave his long, girly ginger hair, and he's got all the girls in the room begging for him. CAROLINE What? You're jealous that I used to like Mac? GUY Yes. But it's not just you, is it? It's Holly, Emily, and, to a lesser extant, Sue White. CAROLINE Well, yeah. But you shouldn't be worried about that. GUY Why not? I know all about girls having crushes. CAROLINE Yeah, but I never did anything about my crush on Mac. GUY Except about a billion kisses. CAROLINE Okay, yeah, I admit that, but I'm marrying you. That means I love you, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. GUY Really? CAROLINE Of course. GUY & CAROLINE kiss. CUT TO: INT. OFFICE- DAY KIM & HARRIET are sitting at their desks. Suddenly, BOYCE & SUE run in. BOYCE I love you!! SUE He kissed me!! KIM What? BOYCE I love you!! SUE He kissed me!! KIM I don't understand. BOYCE Look, Kim, honey, I love you. I thought that what I said on the phone was an accident, but now I know... I love you. I love you. BOYCE walks out. SUE He kissed me!! KIM What did you just say? SUE runs out. HARRIET Kim, can I have my I-pod back, please? KIM takes out earphones, and hands the I-pod back. KIM What were Boyce and Sue on about? HARRIET Hmm? Oh, I don't know. I wasn't listening. CUT TO: EXT. FIELD- DAY MAC sits on a bench, thinking things over. SUE walks over, and sits down next to him. SUE How are you today, my flame-haird adonis? MAC Do you want to go to prison or something? SUE Maybe. Depends where you're going? MAC Where am I going? (pause) A cemetary. SUE Oh, dear. Has someone died? MAC No. Not yet. SUE You're going to kill someone? Is it Holly? MAC glares at SUE, then walks away. SUE smiles. SUE Yes, it's Holly! SUE starts sing "Hey ho, the witch is dead" from Wizard of Oz, but changes "witch" to "bitch". CUT TO: INT. ANETHTATIST'S ROOM- DAY GUY & CAROLINE finally stop kissing. GUY So, Mac's really dying? CAROLINE Yeah. I know, it's terrible. GUY Yeah, terrible. Maybe we should ease the pain. GUY goes in to kiss CAROLINE again, but she moves her head. GUY What? CAROLINE Sorry, it's just... Mac's dying. He's one of my best friends. I'm really not in a kissing mood. CAROLINE walks away. GUY looks upset. GUY She won't kiss her own fiance. I need some comfort. GUY grabs a box from his locker, and takes out the crown on confidence. He puts it on. GUY Guy Secretan, you are a prince. No, a king! No, a God! Yeah! Guy Secretan, you are a god. CUT TO: INT/EXT. MOBILE HOME- DAY MARTIN, ALAN & JOANNA sit around. ALAN Well, we can't just sit around here all day waitingto be rescued! We need to take some action! MARTIN Yes, good thinking! What should we do? ALAN Hmm? I don't know. My idea was "we had to take some action". It's not my responsibility to decide what we do. MARTIN Okay, that's fair. Can't argue with that. Pause. MARTIN We could go out through the roof! JOANNA Good idea! You're not as dumb as you look! MARTIN hits the roof, until the sunroof opens. MARTIN Right, we need someone to test it, to see if it's big enough. Who wants to go first? JOANNA & ALAN both look at MARTIN. MARTIN Oh, no way! JOANNA Yes, it makes perfect sense! You're the smallest! ALAN Yes, quite. Out you go, Dr. Dear! MARTIN Oh, fine! But you two owe me! You owe me big time! MARTIN tries to climb out onto the roof, but gets trapped. We can now only see his legs. MARTIN (O/S) Help!! Somebody push me up! JOANNA With fucking pleasure! JOANNA pushes MARTIN up onto the roof. MARTIN (O/S) Argh!! CUT TO: EXT. ROOF OF MOBILE HOME- DAY MARTIN gets onto the roof, and falls straight off it. He is now clinging on to the doors at the back of the Mobile Home. He is one slip away from death. MARTIN Argh! Oh, God! Mum!! JOANNA (O/S) What?! MARTIN (really scared) Never mind. CUT TO: INT. OPERATING THEATRE- DAY CAROLINE & MAC are hard at work. GUY walks in. GUY So... I heard the news. MAC What news? GUY About you. MAC I'm on the news? Wow! GUY Mac. Jokes won't help you. Nothing can help you. I know that you're dying. MAC'S face suddenly turns solemn. MAC Oh. GUY Yeah. And I just want to say that, I may have been a bit of a wanker to you over the years? MAC You MAY have?! GUY Okay, then, I definitely have. All I'm trying to say is... I'm sorry. MAC Wow. Well, that's very mature of you. GUY Thanks. And, I just want you to know that the only thing that matters is that I'm going to marry Caroline. MAC What does that have to do with anything? GUY Dunno. Just thought I'd rub it in your face. GUY dances around. GUY I'm gonna marry Caro... I'm gonna marry Caro... Ring on the finger... wedding bells... Honeymoon... Children... Grandchildren... Great-grandchildren... And you're never gonna get another chance with her! Because it's me and her for eternity! Till death do us part! CAROLINE looks terrified. CAROLINE (scared) Yeah. Guy for the rest of my life. CUT TO: EXT/INT. MOBILE HOME- DAY ALAN & JOANNA are yelling to MARTIN. JOANNA Are you okay? CUT TO: EXT. CLIFF EDGE- DAY MARTIN is holding onto the doors. MARTIN I'll be fine, just as long as the van doesn't go back anymore. CUT TO: EXT/INT. MOBILE HOME- DAY JOANNA It's called a mobile home. ALAN Oh, don't you start! You sound just like that hippie couple! JOANNA They weren't hippies. ALAN Gypsies, then! JOANNA They weren't gypsies either. ALAN Well, what the bloody hell were they?? JOANNA Um.... freaks. Pause. ALAN Yes. Pause. ALAN (calling to MARTIN) Martin! Martin! Pause. ALAN Oi, pixie boy, can you hear me?? CUT TO: EXT. CLIFF EDGE- DAY MARTIN Yes. MOBILE HOME ALAN Can you hear me now? CLIFF EDGE MARTIN Yes. MOBILE HOME ALAN Can you hear me now? CLIFF EDGE MARTIN Yes. MOBILE HOME ALAN Can you hear me now? CLIFF EDGE MARTIN Yes. MOBILE HOME ALAN Can you hear me now? CLIFF EDGE MARTIN Yes!! MOBILE HOME ALAN Good. CUT TO: INT. OPERATING THEATRE- DAY GUY is dancing round. GUY (singing) Me and Caro... you and no-one... Me and Caro... you and no-one... Me and Caro... you and no-one... You're gonna be alone! Forever! MAC punches GUY in the arm. GUY Ow!! What the fuck was that for??! MAC Because you're a wanker. GUY I'm not a wanker! Why would I need to wank? I can just have sex anytime I want! MAC Oh, is that true? GUY Yes, indeed it is, ginger boy. MAC Any time you want? GUY Yeah. MAC Okay, let's say, hypothetically, you wanted to hav sex right now. What would you do? GUY Easy. I would take Caroline into a different room... and rock her world. GUY kisses CAROLINE. He tries to use his tongue, but she pushes him away. GUY Aww, we're such a couple. CAROLINE forces a smile. GUY I can tell exactly what she's thinking. You know, I can just feel it. CAROLINE Okay, then. What am I thinking right now? GUY (in CAROLINE'S voice) Ooh, I'm really tired after that night. MAC & CAROLINE share a look, and continue doing intricate surgical moves that require both their hands. CAROLINE Guy, can you... GUY Increase the dosage? CAROLINE No... GUY Decrease the dosage? CAROLINE No... GUY Shine the light higher up? CAROLINE No... GUY Tuck your hair behind your ear? CAROLINE No, can you PLEASE GET YOUR HAND OFF MY LEG!!! GUY looks sheepish. CAROLINE Mac... MAC Yeah, got it. Do you want me to close? CAROLINE Thanks. MAC does something for a little while, then finishes. He takes his gloves off, and walks into the surgeon's room. CUT TO: INT. SURGEON'S ROOM- DAY MAC, CAROLINE & GUY all walk in, and take off their scrubs. CAROLINE Are you coming for a drink? MAC Uh, no. I'll catch up to you. CAROLINE Are you sure? We can wait... GUY No! Me & you are a couple. We need some alone time. GUY & CAROLINE walk out, leaving MAC alone. He gets his files out from a cabinet. He looks them over again in disbelief. MAC stands up, and heads for the door. However, he suddenly turns around, and throws the files on the floor. He punches the wall, and sits down on a bench. He breaks down, crying. CUT TO: EXT/INT. MOBILE HOME- DAY JOANNA & ALAN sit around. Suddenly, ALAN looks around. ALAN Oh, my god! JOANNA What? ALAN Look around you! We can leave! ALAN & JOANNA open their doors and get out. JOANNA Hold on! We've been sitting in there for almost two days, and we could have left at any time?? ALAN Yes! Isn't it wonderful?? JOANNA Yeah! Let's go! ALAN Come on! Back to the hospital!! Hi ho, hi, ho, it's off to... ALAN stops, and looks around. ALAN ...work we go! JOANNA & ALAN walk away and leave MARTIN. MARTIN (O/S) Hello? Hello? I'm getting a bit hungry now! ALAN walks back and pulls the mobile home forward, until MARTIN is on the grass. END OF ACT THREE ACT FOUR INT. OFFICE- DAY HARRIET, KIM & BOYCE are working. BOYCE suddenly gets down on one knee. KIM Jesus! Boyce, what are you doing? BOYCE I've done a lot of thinking, and I've come to a decision. We've been going out for a long time, and we've shagged loads and loads of times... KIM Oi! Harriet's in the room! HARRIET Oh, it's okay. I'm used to it. I like to think of myself as a bit of an expert when it comes to sex. I have three children, and a fourth on the way. KIM Okay, then. Boyce, continue. BOYCE Okay. Um, I already told you I love you. I think it's time I took it to the next step... BOYCE takes out a ring. BOYCE Okay. Here goes. Kim Alabaster... will you marry me? KIM stands there, shocked. CUT TO: INT. CORRIDOR- DAY KAREN is in a wheelchair. RACHEL is guiding her down the corridor. RACHEL Look, Karen, I'm really sorry about the whole... uh... thing... KAREN You can say it. RACHEL Okay. I'm sorry I... broke your leg. KAREN It's okay. I just really wish you wouldn't ignore me so often. RACHEL Okay. Well, I promise you, from now on, my focus is on you 100%. RACHEL & KAREN approach a flight of stairs, when MAC walks past. RACHEL (totally ignoring KAREN) Hi, Mac. I just heard your news. I'm so sorry. RACHEL accidently nudges KAREN, who goes down the stairs. KAREN (O/S) (screams) RACHEL I'll be with you in a minute. CUT TO: INT. PUB- NIGHT GUY & CAROLINE walk in and take a seat. GUY (to the barmaid) Hi. Could I have a Smirnoff Ice, please? And, Caro, what are you having? CAROLINE Oh. Gin and tonic, please. GUY Right. CAROLINE gets her purse out. GUY What are you doing? CAROLINE I'm paying for my drink. GUY No, I'll pay. CAROLINE Oh, no... GUY It's fine. We are going to be husband & wife soon. I will have to do stuff for you, and vice-versa. Okay? So, I will pay. CAROLINE You're sure? GUY Absolutely. CAROLINE (hesitantly) Okay. GUY is handed the drinks, and pays. GUY Keep the change. GUY takes a massive gulp from his glass. CAROLINE takes a tiny sip from hers. MAC walks in. GUY Hi, Carrot-head. MAC Hey there, Bearded Lady. GUY Do you want a drink? I'll pay. MAC Why would you pay? GUY I dunno. I just thought, with everything that was happening right now, you didn't need to be paying for drinks. MAC (laughs) It really doesn't matter. It's like one quid. GUY Okay, then. You pay for it. MAC gets a glass of whisky, and pays. GUY So... you're dying. MAC Yeah. You don't remind me enough. CUT TO: INT. OFFICE- NIGHT BOYCE So... will you marry me? KIM Oh... I don't know... yes! Yes, I will! BOYCE Yes!! KIM & BOYCE embrace and kiss. BOYCE I love you so much. KIM I love you, too. HARRIET (screaming in agony) Oooooh!! KIM & BOYCE look at her, confused. CUT TO: INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- NIGHT HARRIET is on the birthing table. HARRIET Oh God, Oh, God, Oh, God! MIDWIFE Calm down. HARRIET Oh, I'm dead calm. I've had three kids already. I'm just worried I won't get the ironing done in time. MIDWIFE How can you be thinking about that now? You're having a baby! HARRIET Oh, thanks for reminding me. MIDWIFE About what? HARRIET I've got to do the baby's ironing aswell. RACHEL enters, carrying some files. RACHEL Hi, um, could you sort these please? (she notices HARRIET is giving birth) Oh, you're busy. HARRIET Yes, it looks like it, doesn't it. RACHEL Me and the girls just thught you were getting fat. HARRIET (not sarcastic) Oh, thankyou. RACHEL So, do you know what it is yet? HARRIET No. I'm hoping it'll be a gay one. I'd like a few more gay sons. RACHEL So, you know it's a boy? HARRIET Hmm? No, just guessing. All my other kids have been boys. Why not this one? RACHEL Okay, cool. HARRIET screams in agony, but calms straight back down afterwards. RACHEL Good luck, then. HARRIET Thanks. RACHEL Can you get those files done by tomorrow then. They're kind of important. HARRIET No probs. RACHEL Okay, bye. Good luck! HARRIET Thanks. Bye! RACHEL walks out. CUT TO: INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE MATERNITY WARD- NIGHT RACHEL walks out, and sees KAREN still in the wheelchair. She now has several bruises. RACHEL Jesus. What happened to you? KAREN You ignored me again. RACHEL Did I? KAREN Yep. Ifell down three flights of stairs, and had to wait for half an hour for someone to help me back up them. RACHEL Oh. Well, I'm sorry. But, just so you know, they're steps, not stairs. KAREN No, they were stairs. RACHEL Really? How is there a difference? RACHEL begins to wheel KAREN away. KAREN Stairs are things you walk up and walk down. Steps is a really old, shitty pop group. RACHEL Oh. You live and learn. CUT TO: INT. SUE WHITE'S OFFICE- NIGHT SUE is packing up, when a donkey walk into her office. SUE I'll be with you in a moment. The donkey makes some noise. SUE Okay, okay! SUE sits down. SUE How can I help you, Dr. Secretan? The donkey comes closer to SUE, and she is quite scared. She then notices a piece of paper attatched to its ear. She rips it off and takes a look at it. The paper reads "Ginger Boy is dying." SUE (screams the same way she did at the slave auction) CUT TO: INT. OUTSIDE SUE WHITE'S OFFICE- NIGHT GUY & MAC peep in the door. MAC Okay, she knows! Thanks, Guy. GUY No problem. I still can't see why you couldn't just go in and tell her, though. MAC I got a restraining order from her. I'd be breaking the law I created. GUY Okay, that's fair. MAC Besides, I just can't face her. GUY I know what you mean. CUT TO: INT. BIRTHING ROOM- NIGHT HARRIET looks very exhausted. The MIDWIFE is holding her newborn baby. MIDWIFE Congratulations. HARRIET Thankyou. Now, if you'll excuse me... HARRIET gets up, and gets a couple files. MIDWIFE What are you doing? You can't work yet! HARRIET No, I have to! Joanna will fire me if I slack off! MIDWIFE I'm sure she'll understand if you've just had a baby. HARRIET Clearly, you've never met Joanna. HARRIET looks at the files. She takes a look at the one on top. An amazed look comes across her face. HARRIET Oh, my God... Mac... HARRIET runs out. After a pause, she comes back in, grabs her baby, and runs back out. CUT TO: EXT. STREET- NIGHT ALAN, MARTIN & JOANNA stand by the side of the road, waiting for a car. ALAN Oh, here's one now! Thumbs up, quick! MARTIN, ALAN & JOANNA stick their thumbs up. A car goes past, and the driver sticks his thumb back up to them. ALAN Bastard! We're not being friendly! We need a lift! Another car walks past. It is full of girls. GIRL #1 Hi. Need a lift? MARTIN/JOANNA/ALAN Oh, yes!! GIRL#1 Okay... but not you too. ALAN/JOANNA What?! GIRL #2 We only want the pixie. ALAN Pixie?? Oh, bloody-! GIRL#3 Come on, dwarf man. ALAN Where?! GIRL #3 We're just going to a hen night down the road. You in? MARTIN God yes!! MARTIN gets in the car, and it speeds waway. ALAN Well, that's a kick in the nuts, isn't it?! CUT TO: INT. CORRIDOR- NIGHT GUY is walking down the corridor, humming to himself. Suddenly, HOLLY jumps out from behind a corner. HOLLY Surprise! GUY Oh, Jesus! Shit! Don't do that! HOLLY Well, that's not a very warm welcome. GUY Yeah, I don't really think you deserve one. HOLLY Okay. God, aren't you grumpy today. I thought you'd be pleased to see me. GUY Pleased to see you? GUY laughs histerically. GUY Now, were you here for something in particular? HOLLY Um... actually, yeah. It's about my son. GUY You have a son?! HOLLY Uh... yeah. GUY Jesus!! HOLLY Yeah, that's not the worst part. GUY Oh, fuck. What's the worst part? HOLLY Um... do you remember.... the night? GUY Night? What night? HOLLY December 13th, last year. GUY December... oh, yeah! Of course! That was the night we... HOLLY (cutting him off) Exactly. And, um.... there was an end result. GUY looks very confused. After a pause, he realises it. His face goes from confused to shocked. GUY Oh, my God. Who the hell are you?! HOLLY What do you mean? GUY Well, were you put on this planet to wreck people's lives? You screwed Mac up, twice! You screw Caroline up, you trick Mac into thinking he has a son, when in fact his ginger hair isn't even ginger! And to top it all, his son turns out to be- HOLLY God, shut up! I don't want anyone else to know! GUY But Caroline, at least, has to know! HOLLY Caroline, why Caroline? GUY Because.... because we're... Pause. GUY Me and her are engaged. HOLLY Really? GUY Yeah. HOLLY So, does that mean Mac's available again? GUY No! HOLLY He's involved with someone? GUY Well.... no, but he's not going to go back to you! Not after what you did to him! HOLLY How the hell can you judge me, Mr. Shag every girl in the hospital! GUY That's my name, don't wear it out. HOLLY walks away. HOLLY Oh, and by the way, if you see Mac, please don't tell him I'm back. GUY Oh, don't worry. The first thing I do is won't tell Mac... GUY looks confused. GUY The first thing I won't do is not tell Mac... GUY looks confused. GUY The first Mac I won't tell is not it... GUY looks confused. GUY Fuck off, Holly! HOLLY walks away, smiling to herself. CUT TO: INT. SUE WHITE'S OFFICE- NIGHT SUE and the donkey are in the middle of a staring contest. Neither of them move, and there are no sounds. Just them staring intensely at each other. CUT TO: INT. CORRIDOR- NIGHT GUY flips off HOLLY, just as another doctor walks past. GUY Not you. CUT TO: EXT. STREET- NIGHT ALAN & JOANNA are waiting for a car. JOANNA I can't believe my own son left us here. The stupid midget! ALAN Do not say that word! JOANNA What word? ALAN You know full well what word! JOANNA What, midget? ALAN Argh!! JOANNA What, you don't want me to say midget? ALAN Argh!! JOANNA Okay, then. I won't say midget... ALAN Argh!! JOANNA If you don't want me to say midget. ALAN slaps JOANNA. Another car approaches. ALAN Oh, good! A car! They stick their thumbs out. The car stops, and we see it is a police car. POLICE OFFICER Need a lift? ALAN I didn't kill him! POLICE OFFICER Didn't kill who? ALAN Um.... anyone. I didn't kill anyone. The POLICE OFFICER looks confused. ALAN Just thought you'd like to know. POLICE OFFICER Okay, whatever. Just get in the car. ALAN No, I won't! I won't go to prison! POLICE OFFICER I thought you wanted a lift. ALAN I... yes! Yes, we do! JOANNA gets in the car, but ALAN hesitates. ALAN But, if you think in some... bizarre way that we have murdered a dwarf and threw him in an incinerator, and went over a cliff in a van- JOANNA Mobile home. ALAN Fuck off! CUT TO: INT. PUB- NIGHT GUY walks back in, and sees CAROLINE flirting with MAC. CAROLINE Yeah, I mean, I dunno, maybe Thursday... MAC Why not tonight? CAROLINE Because I'm with Guy. I'm not supposed to cheat on him two days after we get engaged. MAC Well, you're not supposed to cheat on him at all. CAROLINE I know, but I just see you around the hospital, and I just can't res- GUY (butting in) Okay, Caroline, we have to go. CAROLINE Go? Go where? GUY Home. It's late, and we have to get up early tomorrow. CAROLINE It's only 9:00! GUY Exactly! You should have been in bed hours ago! Come on! GUY & CAROLINE walk out, leaving MAC alone. MAC Well, then. Just me. CUT TO: INT. SUE WHITE'S OFFICE- NIGHT SUE is still having a staring contest with the donkey. The donkey turns away and walks out. The credits begin to run across the screen. SUE ha! I win! You lose, loser! Ha ha! CUT TO: INT. CAROLINE'S FLAT- NIGHT GUY & CAROLINE walk in. GUY I love you. CAROLINE Aww, I know you do. GUY You love me too, don't you? CAROLINE Uh... of course. GUY Because... I have a little something to show you... GUY unbuttons his shirt. We see that he has written on his chest "Property of Caroline Todd." GUY Ta-daa! CUT TO: INT. SUE WHITE'S OFFICE- NIGHT SUE Moo! Meow! Woof! Neigh! Baa! Oink! CUT TO: INT. CAROLINE'S FLAT- NIGHT GUY is still flashing his chest to CAROLINE. GUY So, what do you think? CAROLINE I think I need to go to bed. CAROLINE walks upstairs. GUY I'll be in in a minute! CUT TO: EXT. STREET- NIGHT The POLICE CAR is speeding away. ALAN & JOANNA are in the car. We cannot see them, but we can hear them. ALAN (O/S) Oh, I say, these seats are very comfortable! Yes, almost cmfortable enough to kill a dwarf on! POLICE OFFICER (O/S) What? ALAN (O/S) I said......... do you arrest people often? END OF EPISODEReturn to SimplyScripts.com