CARL's Video

Episode 1

- Fade into title card-

	Carl's Video

- fade out. -

FADE INTO:

	- A little Video store with a  sign out front that says " Carl's Video"-

CUT TO:

	- INT. Carl's Video. Rocket Launcher is tending to someone at the checkout while Brad is restocking the new releases and Ted is sitting in a recliner behind the checkout counter reading a magazine. A middle age lady is talking to Rocket Launcher. Rocket Launcher looks confused-

LADY
Let's see, I need , Independence Day, Dumb and Dumber, Jurassic Park, Widescreen version, director's cut of Shawshank Redemption, Super Mario 64 on the Nintendo 64, hold the instruction booklet, two packages of M&M's, 1 of those copies of Power Ranger: the movie for sale for $10.00, A poster with John Travolta from Urban Cowboy, Legends of the Fall in Widescreen, Legends of the Fall t- shirt and Care Bears: The movie.

- Rocket stares at her in disbelief and confusion. There's a slight pause-

ROCKET
Do you want fries with that?

- Ted starts laughing-

TED:
ha ha! Check it out! Some Stanley Kubrick dude plans on making a movie with Steven Spielberg invcolving a child robot. Yeah...like some low life nobody like him would team up with Spielberg!

- Ted continues to crack up-

BRAD:
Low life loser!? Stanley Kubrick is one of the greatest director's ever!

TED:
I never heard of any of his movies.....name one

BRAD:
A clockwork orange?

TED:
nope.

BRAD:
Barry Lyndon?

TED:
hmmm...nope...

BRAD:
The Shining!?

TED:
wait a second! was that the movie that those people on Twister was watching when that tornado took a giant dump on them!?

BRAD:
yeah..

TED:
oh....well...no. Haven't seen him

BRAD:
I know you've seen Full Metal Jacket

TED:
hmmm..... The one with the Drill Sergeant who hollers at that fat guy!?

BRAD:
yep

TED:
yeah! heh heh...that was a funny movie. 

BRAD:
Dude...how much of it did you watch..

TED:
5 minutes......then I got my new special edition of DIEEEEE HARRRRRRRRRRRDDDDD!

- Ted jumps up and rips his shirt off. Everyone stares at him in disbelief-

TED:
uhhh.....sorry. die hard just gets me excited

ROCKET:
Kinda like Basic Instinct when that demi moore chick does that thing with her legs....ohhhhh....yeahhh....

- The middle age lady clears her throat-

LADY:
Sir, can I get my movies!?

ROCKET:
Huh?....uh....one copy of Virtuosity coming right up...

LADY:
No not virtuosity! I want..

- the lady begins repeating what she wants but in Rocket's mind this is what she says....-

LADY:
Demi moore is hot. Star Wars. Darth Vader. Yippi Ki Yay! Come with me if you want to live. i'm a cop you idiot! striptease, striptease, striptease, I want you Rocket Launcher. I want you now. get me a copy of virtousity right now and i'll give you everything you want. Double quarter punder with cheese, hold the lettuce. Legends of the fall sucks. Large dr. pepper..

ROCKET: 
Do you want fries with that copy of virtuosity?

- The lady gets aggravated and storms out. Brad begins mopping the floor beside the counter. Christa walks into the store.-

CHRISTA
hey brad whats up!?

- Brad slips on his own mop job, falling down-

CHRISTA:
Oh, Brad are you alright!?

- Christa helps Brad up-

BRAD:
I think I broke my tailbone....

ROCKET:
Dude....your tailbones on your tail...not your ass!

TED:
Humans don't have tails......

ROCKET:
Then why do we have tailbones if there is no tail!?

TED:
Because physiologist couldn't name it the bone beside the crack of your ass...

ROCKET:
 Ah yes

CHRISTA:
So guys...what are we doing tonight?

- Suddenly....from the storage room the door comes flying open. Hebert steps out glaring at Christa-

HERBERT
What are we doing tonight? is that what you asked!? by now you should know, that on Saturday nights...We do only one thing. we pull up a seat, grab on for dear life, hold our lightsabers tight and hop in our X- wings...because we will enter the life of Luke Friggin Skywalker, son of Anakin Friggin skywalker, also known as Darth Vader as he battles with the rebellion against the evil forces of the empire saves princess friggin Leia form the evil grasps of Darth Vader witht he help of the pilot of the millenium Faclon, a giant wookie,  two droids  and a aging jedi knight, by god, HE WILL SAVE HER. COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, LUKE SKYWALKER WILL NOT STOP FIGHTING UNTIL HE COMES FACE TO FACE, MANO Y MANO WITH HIS OWN FLESH AND BLOOD. Tonight, we will enter a battle that wages in a galaxy far far away....We will experience.....

STAR WARS!!!!!!

- Herbert holds up a copy of Star Wars as orchestra music swells up and stops. everyone is looking at him-

TED:
I give that speech a 8/10..

BRAD:
It was slightly better then last weeks

ROCKET:
Where was that dramatic music coming from?

- Rocket Launcher looks behind him. An entire orchestra is sitting behind him-

ROCKET:
Oh....hi guys...

- The orchestra people say hi.-

CHRISTA:
So..we're gonna watch star wars.....again.....we watched it last week! Doesn't it ever get old.

- Ted, Herbert and Brad look at eachother-

TED,BRAD,HERBERT:
No...

CHRISTA:
i'm not coming tonight.

TED:
Whoa whoa...wait. Are you saying you don't want to watch Luke Skywalker beat the crap out of Stormtroopers!? You don't want to watch A 9 foot tall Wookie that makes a weird growling sound break the imperial forces in half. Mother of god....What is wrong with you!?

CHRISTA:
...i'm normal......I like to watch movies only a few times....not every single saturday. can't we for once watch something other then Star Wars....like something new!?

ROCKET:
Something NUDE! YEAHHHHHH!

HERBERT
If we watch something new it would create a ripple in the time continoum which would cause a new parralell Earth, that would be aptly known as HTRAE, which would attempt to devour our planet whole causing everything to explode and die...... so for our sake...we're watching star wars. So you go on ahead and watch your crappy "New" fancy shmancy crapfest of a movie while we watch the greatest movie ever made...for the 85th time...

CHRISTA:
Fine......I'll go home and watch something that isn't outdated....

- Christa begins walking out. Brad runs up to her and stop-

BRAD:
Christa wait. Don't listen to those guys. We want you here with us. I mean...you don't have to watch the movie you can go and......jump...rope...or whatever people like you do on your free time. But, if your not there then I wouldn't be complete without you...

CHRISTA:
Aw...that's sweet.... but i'll only come if after we watch star wars we watch sixteen candles.....TOGETHER.

BRAD:
Sure.....whatever makes you happy...

CHRISTA:
Alright.....i'm gonna go rewind videotapes now...

- Brad's hans are still on Christa's shoulder

CHRISTA:
uh...I need my shoulders back?

BRAD:
Huh? Oh! Of course! heh heh. You can't rewind videotapes with me standing in front of you....heh heh

CHRISTA:
...yeahhhh....

- Christa walks off-

BRAD
Ugh...I blew it! STUPID! STUPID!

- Brad bangs his head against the wall.-

TED:
Well...looks like you blew it with her...MY TURN!

- Brad punches Ted in the face with the back of his fist. Ted falls to the ground.-

HERBERT:
So...is she coming?

BRAD:

yeah...but....we have to watch Sixteen Candles after Star Wars.

HERBERT:

AW HELL NAW!!!!!!

BRAD:

Oh yes. C'mon guys...one chick flick shouldn't hurt a guy!

- Ted getting up-

TED:
I dunno.....when Rocket Launcher was born his mom was watching - Love movie in the 70's-, And look how he turned out!

- Everyone looks to Rocket Launcher who's attempting to do a backlfips off of one of the movie shelves. He falls on his back.-

BRAD:
Good point

HERBERT:
Well.....i'm going home after Star Wars then

BRAD:
no...she wants us to watch Sixteen Candles as a group....

HERBERT:
good God.Ted, get the silencer. We need to assasinate this one. She knows too much...

BRAD:
C'mon guys.....Sixteen Candles made decent money in the box office....i'm sure it's not that bad! Give her a chance....she just wants to bring her own views to the group....

HEBERT:
-sighs-
Fine.. but i'll have to watch something to get the bad taste out of my mouth. So i'll bring... THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK!!!!!

BRAD:
See, Herbert ...everything will turn out fine!

- Rocket Launcher attempts to do another backflip off of one of the shelves and hits his head on the corner of the shelf and falls down in pain.-

CUT TO:

	- EXT. CARL's VIDEO. NIGHT.-

CUT TO:

	- INT. Everyone is sitting in front of a TV. Christa is pouting sitting by Brad. Herbert and Rocket Launcher watch amazed. Ted chomps on some popcorn.-

HERBERT:
Watch how Han solo owns the crap out of Greedo here!

- They all watch. A laser blast is heard. Herbert jumps up cheering-

HERBERT:
There you go Han! Show him you don't take crap from bounty hunters!

TED:
Dude, if Greedo fired first it wouldn't be nearly as great!

FADE TO:

	-hour later-

BRAD:
Alright here we go! Darth Vader vs. Luke Skywalker, round 1

Darth Vader:
I have you no...

- The tape begins to drag. Ted,Herbert, Brad, and Rocket's smile leave their face as the tape goes dead. small pause.-

ROCKET:
Whoa! A cliffhanger!

Brad: 
oh dear god no.

CHRISTA:
What happened?

HERBERT

It couldn't be...

- Brad slowly approaches the VCR. he pushes the ejct button the tape comes out. Brad slowly pull on it. the Tape's tape is all pulled out. The VCR ate Star wars! Brad, herbert and Ted all look at the neverending black filming that comes out. The tape film is broken. A tear rolls down Herbert's cheek. 

BRAD:
Oh...no.....no...

- Brad holds up the tape-

BRAD:
NOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

- Brad falls on the tape weeping-

Herbert:
Star Wars.......it's......gone!

Ted:
The Empire....REALLY DID STRIKE BACK!

ROCKET:
So......The VCR killed Star wars! YOU SONOFABITCH!

-Rocket grabs the vcr and slams it down on the ground and punches it. Rocket holds his wrist in pain-

ROCKET:
OW! Your a fiesty little VCR eh! You killed my best movie!!!

- Christa is still sitting in her chair as everyone else are weeping-

CHRISTA:
so....who's up for Sixteen candles?

- The crying gets louder-

-FADE OUT-

CUT TO:

	- INT. Carls VIDEO. A big barrels ahs been set on fire. Brad, Ted, Herbert and Rocket Launcher are around it. BRad holds the "Dead" Star Wars tape. Brad look at Herbert . Herbert nods-

HERBERT

Let it go man....

BRAD

Anyone wanna say a few words? rocket...say something...

- Rocket Launcher takes off his hat-

ROCKET:

Star Wars videotape...served us well for 85 long viewings. we had some great times with it. It was a fine quality videotape...even at it's tender age of usage. with it's superior quality and amazing sound....it never failed us. Even though other Star wars videos will pass.....nothing will be remembered as well as this certain video tape....serial number 149583029, served us. Farewell....and.....

-choking up-

May the force be with you

- Rocket puts his fingers to his eyes. Ted hugs him.-

BRAD:
Indeed.....farewell.....may we one day see you again....in a galaxy far far away....

- Brad throws the tape into the fire and watches it as it burns. "Luke Skywalker theme" form star wars plays in the background-

CHRISTA:
Well guys...I hate to spoil your...mourning session..for a videotape., but....you guys do realize that that tape was the only Star Wars tape left.

TED
What!? What happened to it's brother copy?

CHRISTA:
It was rented out a few years ago and never showed back up.

HERBERT:
Oh no....what are we gonna tell Carl!?

BRAD:
Tell him it was stolen...

HERBERT:
But I was the last person to check it out!

BRAD:
Well then....we're in serious crap now.....

TED:
Why don't you tell him someone broke into your house and stole it.

HERBERT:
 Ted, Carl would still fire me! Remember what happened to Fred when he lost a tape?

FLASHBACK CUT TO:

	- A blonde surfer dude talking to Carl-

DUDE:
Hey, carl...I lost our last copy of E.T

- Carl looks at him for a second. Carl pulls out a baseball bat and hits Fred in the head with it. Fred falls to the ground. Carl then goes back to writing something-

Carl:
You're fired.

END FLASHBACK. Back to the group-

BRAD
oh yeah...

CHRISTA:
go buy a new copy.

HERBERT:
Good idea! but wait....the type of tape on the new versions is different then the version our store had! We have to find a tape just like the last one. So, it's not going to be in any stores.

TED
hmm....Why don't you get on that fancy little internet thing and see if you can find anything.

HERBERT
oh yeah! but I have to go home. You know....Internet isn't wireless yet.....maybe in 2030 it will be but right now....uh uh. We'll go to my place and look online, Christa...stay here and watch your crappy chick flick until carl gets here. If we're not back when Carl gets here...stall him from getting to the Star Wars tape

CHRISTA
What does he do? Watch Star wars everyday?

TED
uh huh. that's his morning ritual...thar's why he gets to the store at 4:30

HERBERT:
Alright guys...let's go!

- They begin walking out. Christa goes back in the store.-

BRAD:
Rocket, put out that fire...

ROCKET: 
wha? oh

- Rocket looks around suspiciously and unzips his pants. He pees on the fire causing it to erupt into a huge ball of flame knocking Rocket down.-

CUT TO:

	- INT. Herbert's house. Herbert is on his computer. Ted, Rocket and Brad are around him.-

HERBERT:
Alright.....search...Star wars old VHS...

- Herbert types in "star wars" in the search browser. The computer modem starts shooting out sparks.-

HERBERT:
Crap! Rocket, grabs that hammer and hit the computer with it...

- Rocket grabs a hammer and begins beating away at the computer. it stops sparking.-

HERBERT:
Alright....

TED:
So...what do we do?

HERBERT:
We wait...

TED:
For what?

HERBERT:
it to search...

TED:
How long will it take?

HERBERT: 
ah...a few minutes maybe...

- CUT TO:

Thrity minutes later. Ted is passed out in achair and Rocket is lseeping in his lap. a "dling" sound is heard on the computer.-

HERBERT:
Guys! we have something!

- Rocket wakes up and finds himself on Ted's crotch and screams-

TED:
Rocket...please tell me you were sleeping...

- everyone looks at the screen.-

HERBERT
Looks like there is a copy ....just a few miles away in Fort Smith! whoa! 400 bucks for it!?

TED:
We don't have 400 dollars...do we!?

HERBERT:
Nope....looks like we'll have to take it the hard way...by stealing it..

BRAD:
But that's an hour long drive.

HERBERT:
-smiling-
Not in my ride....

CUT TO:

	- Outside of Herbert's house. a DELOREAN is in the driveway. Herbert is driving. Brad is in the front passenger, rocket and Ted are in the back.-

HERBERT:
Buckle up and hold your balls....your about to be blasted hard.

-Herbert turns the car on and puts on a pair of goggles-

HERBERT:
Here we go!!!

- Herbert backs out of the driveway.-

HERBERT:
Roads....where we're going we don't need...roads.

-Herbert puts the petal to the metal., The car begins barely putting along at 30 miles an hour. Brad looks at Herbert.-

BRAD
....and you call this a delorean!? 

HERBERT:
uh..it's an electric powered derlorean...

BRAD: 
Great.....just great.

- the car continues to cruise at it's whopping thirty MPH-

-FADE OUT-

CUT TO:

	- CARL'S VIDEO. Carl walks into the store. Christa is asleep in a chair watching Sixteen Candles. Carl looks confused-

CARL:
Christa.....what are you doing in my store?

CHRISTA:
Hmmph!? OH! Mr. Carl! oh I was ummmm.....rewinding movies!

CARL:
Shouldn't  you do that during the day!?

CHRISTA:
Yeah well...I.........had a bad case of diarrhea today and it put me behind.....

- Carl eyes her suspiciously. Carl puts down some stuff he had in his hands and begins walking to the sci fi section.-

CHRISTA:
umm.....what are you doing Carl?

CARL:
My daily ritual of watching Star Wars

-Christa runs to him-

CHRISTA:
Wait, Mr. Carl.....ummm..... I have to show you something important...

CARL:
Really?

CHRISTA:
Yeah...but it's in the storage room

- Christa walks into the storage room. Carl follows-

CARL:
What is it?

- Christa chops Carl in the neck.-

CARL:
WHAT THE !?

CHRISTA:
Oh...

CARL:
Did you just chop me?

CHRISTA:

.....no.....he did.

- Rob is in the storage room in a wizard rob and hat... Carl looks at Rob-

CARL:
Hi rob.

ROB:
hi.

- Rob moonwalks out of the room.-

CARL:
So...what did you want to show me...

- Christa thinks a  lightbulb lights up above her head. Christa walks seductively to Carl. and pouts her hands on his shoulders-

CHRISTA:
I just wanted to let you know....how....good of a job you are doing. You have so much...power....mmmmmm...I bet it's REALLY exciting.....

CARL:
Well...one time this punk kid tried to steal a copy Jurrasic Park

Cut to:
FLASHBACK

- Some kid with a piercing in his nose and long hair is staring at a copy of Jurassic park. He looks around suspiciously takes it and runs out the door. Intense action music plays-

CARL:
HEY! YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT

- The boy jumps on a motorcycle and drives away. Carl jumps on his motorcycle and an exciting animated chase scene ensues involving bigt ramps and kicking eachothers bike and running over some black guy then Carl running over the same black guy. Then ramping into a church in which they get of their bikes and pull out their samurai swords and begin fighting as the chruch choir sings out dramatic music. Carl finally stabs the punk kid and grabs the videotape  and holds it up victoriously-

CUT BACK TO:

	- The Video store. Christa smiles temptingly-

CHRISTA:
aw....poor baby....want me to make it feel better.

CARL:
....ummm...Christa.....your too young. I mean...I know i'm in good shape for my age but...geez...im not a pedo!

CHRISTA:
Oh....wanna watch sixteen candles?

CARL
no..

CHRISTA:
oh...well

- Christa chops him again.-

CARL:
What the hell

- Carls falls to the ground limp-

CUT TO:

TEXT:

7  hours later

	- Christa is passed out in the Kiddy corner on the sofa. Suddenly Herbert, Rocket, Brad and Ted burst in looking beat up. Brad is wearing clothing made out of leaves and Rocket Launcher's pants are torn into shorts.  Ted looks like he has war paint on. Herbert holds the copy up triumphantly-

HERBERT:
YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!

-Christa wakes up-

CHRISTA: 
Did you get it? Whoa...what happened guys?

BRAD:
don't even ask.....

HERBERT:
Let's just say...Arkansas is full of bastards...

- Rocket, Brad and Herbert start laughing insanely-

BRAD:
Inside joke....you wouldn't understand since you didn't go with us...

ROCKET:
Geez I hope I didn't get a STD from that french whore!

- Rocket starts laughing crazily. Everyone else stares at him-

BRAD:
Rocket....there was no french whore...

ROCKET:
oh.....

HERBERT:
But anyways....what matters is we got the videotapes....even if we had to...do what we did to get it...

CHRISTA:
What did you do?

HERBERT:

we can't tell you...we swore a blood oath never to talk about the last 7 hours ever again...

CHRISTA:
7 hours!? Is Carl still knocked out?

TED: 
YOU KNOCKED OUT CARL!?

CHRISTA:
Well what was I supposed to do! He didn't fall to my temptations!

- Carl walks out of the storage room holding his head-

CARL:
....ah! what happened to me?

- Carl looks up and sees the beat up guys.-

CARL:
Oh god.....This is the future isn't it!? I fell into a black hole didn't I!? OH GOD NO!!!!

TED:
Umm...no you didn't We're just celebrating Martin Luther King Day...

- Brad slaps his forehead out of Ted's stupidity-

CARL:
But that's in March...it's April

TED:
Really? how stupid of us! Guys! it's not Martin Luther King day yet! You idiots!

CARL:
.....what time is it?

CHRISTA:
11:30...

CARL:
Sonofabitch!My schedule is all messed up! What are you guys doing in here anyways. Sundays is my and Brad's shift.

TED:
....oh......we were going to rent a movie.......DUH!

CARL:
Oh...well....have fun.....and take a bath...you guys look liked you've been working in the sewers all day...

ROCKET:
Yes sir!

- Carl walks behind the counter-

TED:
Yeah dudes! we got away with it! we rule!

CARL:
Oh yeah...the new special editions of Star Wars are coming out this Tuesday. so go ahead and take the old crap off of the shelves...

-Ted's loses his smile. Rocket, Herbert and Brad do too.Herbert drops his copy of Star Wars and walks out of the store. Ted and Rocket follow. Christa smiles evilly-

BRAD
Son of a bitch...

- Brad walks out of the store-

- Credit's roll. As the credits roll different photos from "The Trip to Arkansas are shown" including Ted getting attacked by a giant bull. everyone running away from crazy imbred farmers. The Delorean crushed by a tree. Rocket Launcher eating the intestines of a dead animal. The group taking pictures with a bear. Rocket Launcher and some French whore. Ted golfing with bill Clinton. Rocket Launcher laughing holding up a thumbs up as a snake is dangling from his face and many more...-

-