This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
EXT. SOME HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Subtitle: 2001 - THE FUTURE
INT. SOME HIGH SCHOOL GYM - MORNING
Subtitle: NATIONAL WORLD KARATE CHAMPIONSHIPS
A karate fighter comes down hard on the mat after being
kicked. The REFEREE waves his hands, indicating a victory.
DWAYNE
Yeah, SENSAI, I did it!
SENSAI nods wisely.
REFEREE
On deck: LANCE.
DWAYNE returns to his place on the edge of the mat and holds
his hand up for a high five. LANCE leaves him hanging and
looks away - he's too cool. DWAYNE gives him the french wave.
DWAYNE
Pshhaw. Watch out, dude - the guy
you're up against is real tough.
LANCE's opponent makes his way to the mat. He's a total punk -
he's got like all this spikey dyed hair and torn, studded
denim clothing on under his karate costume. He's got like all
these piercings and chains and looks like a real badass. He
looks at some kid and makes him cry.
REFEREE
Representing Kobra Kai, LANCE's
opponent: SKRAAD
SKRAAD, the punk guy, starts growling. The audience hates
him. All the other Kobra Kai punks are all like licking each
other and cheering him on.
LANCE and SKRAAD step up and stare each other down, the
REFEREE tries to get between them.
REFEREE
Okay, no killing each other - this
is supposed to be an official
competition.
Neither of them are listening. The REFEREE separates them.
REFEREE
Okay. Begin!
LANCE totally knocks SKRAAD down in one shot. SKRAAD gets up
and they keep fighting. SKRAAD is losing, but then takes off
his belt, which is a chain, and starts swinging it.
DWAYNE
Hey, that's a weapon.
REFEREE
It's part of his uniform, so it's
allowed.
DWAYNE turns to SENSAI.
DWAYNE
That's cheating.
SENSAI nods wisely.
LANCE dodges the chain and kicks SKRAAD's ass and strangles
him unconscious with his own chain belt. The REFEREE holds
LANCE's hand up.
REFEREE
The winner.
The audience cheers. The kid who was crying is happy now like
someone gave him ice cream or something. The Kobra Kai punks
are all pissed.
LANCE returns to his corner where DWAYNE, SENSAI, and
GIRLFRIEND are there to congratulate them. LANCE is all cool
and stuff.
DWAYNE
Alright, we're in the semi-finals.
You did awesome.
SENSAI nods wisely.
GIRLFRIEND
Yeah, that was really good. I wish
I could do a news report on you
right now, but the PRESIDENT is in
town and I have to interview him.
See ya guys later.
LANCE
Wait. I think I earned this.
Gives GIRLFRIEND an open mouth kiss.
DWAYNE
Hey, yeah. Me too.
Frenches GIRLFRIEND when LANCE is done.
CUT TO:
INT. LOCKER ROOM - MORNING
LANCE and DWAYNE are fucking GIRLFRIEND. DWAYNE does her
doggy style while she sucks off LANCE.
A bunch of karate fighters walk in.
BOLO
Hey fags. Guess who's going to lose
in the semi-finals:
(points)
You.
The karate fighters laugh at LANCE and DWAYNE, who just try
to ignore the bullies.
BOLO
My dad raped your dad.
DWAYNE can't take it anymore. LANCE tries to hold him back.
DWAYNE
Shut up - you're lying. My dad died
in Vietnam banging my mom.
BOLO
Yeah, and my dad raped him just
before he died.
LANCE
Hey, don't talk about our father.
BOLO
Oh yeah, I forgot, you guys are
brothers. How come one of you is
white then? Is you mom's cunt like
half white and half chinese or
something?
LANCE
STFU, okay.
BOLO
Or does her cunt make chinese
babies and her ass make white
babies?
DWAYNE
Just stop being such a dick, okay?
BOLO
Oh, I'll be a dick. And you'll be
an ass, and I'm going to stick me
into you. My dad raped your dad,
just like I'm going to rape you
(beat)
... in the ring.
BOLO and the karate guys leave.
GIRLFRIEND
Don't listen to him guys. He gooses
little boys and has a small dick.
I saw him. And I saw his small
dick. Unlike you guys, who have big
dicks, especially for a mongoloid
and a paleface pigfucker. (Checks
her watch.) Oh, I'm late for the
PRESIDENT interview. I'll see you
guys later.
GIRLFRIEND leaves.
DWAYNE
Hey Lance, I know we're brothers
and friends and stuff. But if we
face each other in the finals, we
owe it to each other to fight each
other for real.
LANCE
(still pissed from BOLO)
Don't worry. I'll kick your ass for
you. We may be brothers, but that
doesn't mean we're friends.
LANCE leaves and DWAYNE looks all sad and stuff.
EXT. SECURITY CHECKPOINT - MORNING
There's a big line-up for people who want to see the
president. There's a face-scanning machine at the security
checkpoint. Some mexican-looking guy steps up to the machine
from his place in the line. The machine scans him and feeds
data to a computer being attended by a security fag. The
computer analyses a screen-cap of the guy's face and reads
out "NOT TERRORIST" over the image. The guy is allowed to
proceed. As soon as he is past the checkpoint, his face
morphs into someone else.
INT. SOME HIGH SCHOOL GYM - MORNING
MONTAGE: LANCE and DWAYNE kicking everyone's ass. They fight
all these weird guys like a sumo wrestler with a beard, and a
black guy who fights with a basketball, and a hindoo guy who
takes off his turban and uses his hair to strangle people,
and some little colored guy who acts and fights like a
monkey, and some dude in kung fu pajamas who does Blizzard
Kung Fu and kills some guy with a backbreaker. The kung fu
guy then gives LANCE and DWAYNE the finger after killing his
opponent, but LANCE beats him. One-by-one, everyone makes
threatening gestures to LANCE and DWAYNE like drawing their
fingers across their throat or punching their fist into their
hand and stuff. One-by-one LANCE and DWAYNE kick all their
asses.
DWAYNE is finally up against BOLO. They fight and DWAYNE
wins.
DWAYNE
Yeah.
BOLO is pissed, and considers attacking DWAYNE again after
the match is over, but knows he'll just lose, so he goes
away.
EXT. SECURITY CHECKPOINT - MORNING
A secret service agent checks his watch and then scans the
environment. He turns his head one way and sees nothing, but
when he turns it the other way he sees a face of some mexican
mooslem in the reflective tip of his spook sunglasses. The
dude behind him grabs him and cuts out his throat with a box
cutter. The agent wheezes horribly as his blood splashes onto
the concrete below him. The other agents stand by, watching,
yet remain motionless. The dying agent crawls around on the
floor and lays down on his stomach. The guy who killed him
morphs his face and takes the agent's shape.
INT. SOME HIGH SCHOOL GYM - MORNING
DWAYNE and LANCE are victorious and are both standing on the
gold medal podium, holding up trophies. They have gold
medals. DWAYNE is happy. LANCE looks pissed. SENSAI stands by
and nods wisely.
DWAYNE
SENSAI, how did we do?
SENSAI
You guys are very good at kicking
ass, but you are yet to learn that
there is more to being an awesome
fighter than just kicking ass. I
must go now. Enjoy your victory and
remember that you are not only
training partners, but brothers. If
you want to improve, not only as
fighters, but as leaders, you must
also learn to respect and value
each other - because it is from the
other that you will learn the most
valuable lessons about yourself.
SENSAI nods wisely and leaves. DWAYNE and LANCE look at each
other, LANCE is still pissed.
EXT. SOME HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING
LANCE and DWAYNE are walking around outside the school. LANCE
is trying to walk fast and DWAYNE struggles to keep up, but
remains determined to do so. LANCE eventually slows down a
bit. He is silent for awhile.
LANCE
I don't get it. What does he mean
about all that stuff about kick-ass
fighters being able to do more than
just kick-ass?
DWAYNE
I don't know - he's weird like that
sometimes. Hey, lets play Guitar
Hero.
LANCE
Guitars are for dorks. Name one
cool person who plays the guitar.
DWAYNE
John Stamos.
LANCE
John Stamos is a dickweed.
DWAYNE
No way, man.
DWAYNE spots GIRLFRIEND.
DWAYNE
Hey look! Our GIRLFRIEND is
interviewing the PRESIDENT.
LANCE AND DWAYNE
(together.)
Yo, GIRLFRIEND!
GIRLFRIEND
Hey, guys!
She waves to them and turns back to the president.
GIRLFRIEND
So mister president, what are your
plans about the dangerous
millionaire terrorist Osama BIN
LADEN, and his gang of terrorist
ninjas, Al-Quada, who have recently
escaped from jail? And what is his
role in the greenhouse effect?
PRESIDENT
Oh, I don't think old BIN LADEN
will be a problem.
GIRLFRIEND
How can you be so sure?
PRESIDENT
Lets just say (some dorky line
meant to back up his claim)
BIN LADEN
(offscreen)
(Some witty pun that undercuts the
president's line.)
(EDIT) STUFF GOES HERE
OMFG! IT"S BIN LADEN! He's wearing a metal turban and a
polymer battle-suit. Standing behind him are the fake secret
service agents. Agents surround the PRESIDENT and GIRLFRIEND.
The PRESIDENT punches one out but there's too many of them
and they all grab him by the arms and legs and pick him up
off the ground. A helicopter touches down.
LANCE
Hey! That guy is stealing the
PRESIDENT!
DWAYNE
And our GIRLFRIEND!
BIN LADEN laughs as the helicopter, with the PRESIDENT and
GIRLFRIEND in it, begins taking off. BIN LADEN backflips into
the helicopter as it lifts off. The GIRLFRIEND sticks her
head out of the door and yells for help, but the fake agents
pull her back in.
LANCE and DWAYNE go to a parked bus. The door opens and they
enter the bus.
DWAYNE
(to the driver)
Dude, we need the bus.
LANCE knocks out the bus driver with a front kick and takes
his place at the driver's seat. He starts driving the bus,
trying to follow after the helicopter.
EXT. TRANSIT - CONTINUOUS
BIN LADEN exits the cockpit and hangs upsidedown from the
helicopter's landing skids by his legs. He has a rocket
launcher. LANCE weaves the bus through traffic, dodging
rockets that BIN LADEN fires at him.
DWAYNE
(to passengers)
Does anyone here have a gun or
something?
YEUNG
Yo, I've got a sort of gun.
He takes out a Tesla Magnetic Pulse Rifle (TMPR).
YEUNG
I'm a physics grad student and part
of my master's thesis is to make
this electro-cannon.
DWAYNE
That'll do.
DWAYNE takes the TMPR, cracks a window and leans out of it.
He returns fire.
LANCE
Don't hit the PRESIDENT!
DWAYNE
Don't worry, I'm aiming for the
turban-guy.
The helicopter picks up speed and makes some distance between
itself and the bus. All these exploding suicide cars start
veering off the road and try to ram the bus.
DWAYNE takes them out with the TMPR and they blow up. The
chase continues to the World Trade Center.
EXT. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 2, ROOF - AROUND 8:30 AM
The helicopter lands on the roof of one of the towers. BIN
LADEN gets out. Fake agents and terrorist ninjas move the
PRESIDENT and GIRLFRIEND out of the helicopter and into an Al
Quada hover-battle-cruiser that is waiting for them on the
roof.
I/E. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 2, GROUND - AROUND 8:30 AM
LANCE drives the bus through a line of terrorist cars
protecting the building. LANCE and DWAYNE disembark and start
fighting their way into and up the tower. All these
terrorists come out of nowhere and join in the fight, but
LANCE and DWAYNE beat them up and keep moving.
EXT. SKIES ABOVE NY - AROUND 8:40 AM
A high-jacked jet plane starts heading toward the WTC.
INT. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 2 - AROUND 8:40 AM
LANCE and DWAYNE fight their way up the tower. All these
terrorists are like jumping out of everywhere. LANCE smashes
one into a Coke machine and all these pop cans come out of
it, then he hits another one with a pop can and takes a drink
from it. The fighting continues.
SLO-MO SHOT as one terrorist does a sidekick and LANCE blocks
it while the jet plane can be seen smashing into WTC # 1 in
the window behind them.
The fighting continues. Some of the terrorists are throwing
computer monitors, chairs, and grenades. Others are wielding
keyboards, nunchucks, mops, fire extinguishers, and other
stuff, but LANCE and DWAYNE kick their asses.
EXT. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 2, ROOF - AROUND 8:50 AM
The hover-battle-cruiser is powering up. The PRESIDENT and
GIRLFRIEND are tied up inside it. The helicopter takes off.
BIN LADEN remains on the rooftop.
BIN LADEN
You go. Those karate guys are still
chasing us - I'm going to stay
behind and slow them down a bit.
TERRORIST NINJA
But, the attack has already begun --
BIN LADEN
I know! Don't worry. We can't have
those two meddling in our plans.
PRESIDENT
You scumbag. I knew you couldn't be
trusted. They'll never make you the
king. What ever your planning, it
won't work.
BIN LADEN snaps his fingers and one of the terrorist ninjas
pulls down his pants and starts fucking the PRESIDENT in the
face.
PRESIDENT
Ug. Uh. You'll suck cock for this,
BIN FAGGOT!
BIN LADEN
We'll all be sucking cock soon
enough. Sucking the cock -- OF
DEATH.
BIN LADEN starts laughing.
INT. WORLD TRADE CENTER #2 - AROUND 8:50 AM
LANCE and DWAYNE keep fighting. They fight everywhere: in
offices, in hallways, in bathrooms, in an elevator.
At each floor the elevator stops and more terrorists get in,
and LANCE and DWAYNE beat them up.
EXT. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 2 - 9:03 AM
A jet plane smashes into WTC2. LOL.
INT. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 2 - CONTINUOUS
The building rumbles. Smoke is everywhere and the fire alarms
go off and stuff. The elevator stops working, so LANCE and
DWAYNE have to use the stairs and all these terrorists come
and they all start fighting on the stairs. They find all
these stashes of grenades as they work their way up the
tower. Eventually LANCE and DWAYNE get to one of the top
floors and everything is completely empty. All the terrorists
are either beaten up or are evacuating. The elevator door
opens up and BIN LADEN is standing there, waiting.
LANCE
YOU!
DWAYNE
Give back the PRESIDENT and our
GIRLFRIEND or we're going to beat
you up.
BIN LADEN
I don't think so. In fact, it is I
who is going to be the one to beat
you up.
DWAYNE
Then bring it on, balls-face.
They have a grenade fight. Then they run out of grenades and
BIN LADEN pulls out an AK-47 and starts shooting at LANCE and
DWAYNE and starts chasing them around.
EXT. WORLD TRADE CENTER, ROOF - AROUND 9:30 AM
The Al-Quada hover-battle-cruiser, with the PRESIDENT and
GIRLFRIEND in it, takes off and begins to fly away.
INT. WORLD TRADE CENTER - CONTINUOUS
The battle-cruiser can be seen flying away in one of the
windows. DWAYNE sees the cruiser and jumps through the window
after it.
EXT. WORLD TRADE CENTER - CONTINUOUS
DWAYNE is surfing on the battle-cruiser. It tries to lose
him, but he's pretty good. He almost gets to the cockpit, but
the cruiser does a barrel roll and he flies off and goes
through the window of the other tower.
INT. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 1 - CONTINUOUS
DWAYNE lands in one of the rooms.
INT. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 2 - AROUND 9:50 AM
LANCE sneaks up close to BIN LADEN and grabs the gun. The gun
is deactivated and they start fighting hand-to-hand. BIN
LADEN hurts and stuns LANCE a bit and heads over to a window,
where he sees DWAYNE in the other building. They make eye
contact. DWAYNE and BIN LADEN both start running towards each
other.
I/E. WORLD TRADE CENTER - 9:57 AM
DWAYNE and BIN LADEN jump at each other through the windows,
shattering the glass when they go through them. They fly to
each other and exchange blows in mid-air. They fly past each
other and land in the building opposite the one that they
each took off from.
BIN LADEN stands by the window in WTC # 1 and laughs. LANCE
and DWAYNE stand in WTC # 2 looking out the window.
EXT. WORLD TRADE CENTER, GROUND - 9:58 AM
YEUNG, on the street below, looks up and yells.
YEUNG
Hey guys! My calculations indicate
that the structural integrity of
the building you're in isn't enough
to withstand the effects of the
fire. The tower is going to
collapse!
I/E. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 2 - 9:59 AM
LANCE AND DWAYNE
(together.)
SHIT!
DWAYNE
FUCK! BALLS!
They run together and jump out of WTC2 as it collapses. They
strike a jump-sidekick pose as they fly through the air from
WTC2 to WTC1. They double jumpkick BIN LADEN when they reach
the other side.
INT. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 1 - 10:00 AM
They fight. BIN LADEN is real tough and is taking both of
them at once and he's doing all these Tae Kwon Do kicks and
stuff. They're all getting tired. BIN LADEN presses a button
on his cellphone.
EXT. WORLD TRADE CENTER - AROUND 10:20 AM
BIN LADEN's custom star-and-crescent-shaped Al Quada Battle
Cruiser wakes up and starts flying toward WTC1.
INT. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 1 - AROUND 10:20 AM
BIN LADEN
You're pretty good, but not good
enough to beat me yet.
But you may be the only ones kick
ass enough to stop my plans and I
can't have you following me around
and fucking everything up.
His turban unfolds like a blooming flower and his Cancer Ray
deploys from it.
BIN LADEN
After I shoot you with my Cancer
Gun, you guys will be too sick and
dying with cancer to even think
about following me and saving your
GIRLFRIEND, who I'll be fucking, or
the PRESIDENT, who I'll also be
fucking.
He shoots them with the Cancer Gun, but electro-field from
their karate medals cause interference and everything starts
glowing and lasers are shooting out of everything and stuff.
All this special effects stuff happens and LANCE and DWAYNE
get turned into frogs. BIN LADEN is all like WTF. LANCE and
DWAYNE are shocked and awed.
DWAYNE
Dude! We're frogs.
BIN LADEN turns around, jumps through the window, shattering
through the glass, does a flip and lands in his Bin Laden
Battle Cruiser. Then he flies away. LANCE and DWAYNE are
still stunned by their transformation.
DWAYNE
Let's get out of here - this place
is going to blow.
EXT. WORLD TRADE CENTER - 9:28 AM
WTC1 collapses. LANCE and DWAYNE surf down the falling rubble
on slabs of concrete as the building disintegrates. They
safely land on the street below.
EXT. GROUND ZERO - MOMENTS LATER
The dust clears. LANCE and DWYANE, the Battle Frogs, orient
themselves. They look at the destruction around them. They
conceive and recite a poem on the spot:
(poem here)
FADE TO BLACK.
INT. CHIEF OF POLICE'S OFFICE - DAY
LANCE, DWYANE, and YEUNG are sitting in the office, waiting
for the CHIEF OF POLICE.
DWAYNE
Hey man. That electro-gun of yours
worked pretty good. Maybe you can
like build gadgets for us.
YEUNG
Yeah, okay, sure.
LANCE
Why did his cancer gun turn us into
frogs?
YEUNG
A lot of cancer research is done on
Xenopus Laevis, a frog. Maybe the
gun caused your DNA to undergo a
polymerase chain reaction with frog
DNA on the gun.
DWAYNE
Enough with all the science stuff,
just tell us how to get our
girlfriend back.
The CHIEF OF POLICE enters.
CHIEF
I heard that you guys are karate
champions, and are frogs. We're
looking for some cool guys like you
to do secret agent stuff for us.
DWAYNE
Tubular!
LANCE
Okay.
CHIEF holds up CD.
CHIEF
Bin Laden sent this video making
fun of us:
He puts the CD into a VCR. It plays:
The video shows the PRESIDENT and GIRLFRIEND kneeling on the
ground at gun point. All these terrorist ninjas are standing
behind them. On the wall is a banner with all these squiggles
on it. BIN LADEN sits in the foreground on a cushion or a
rock or something. They're in a cave or something.
BIN LADEN
I have your president and some
guys' girlfriend hostage. If you
don't declare me the new king of
Saudi Arabia, I'll kill them both.
Balls!
Video ends.
CHIEF
It was uploaded to the Al-Quada
LiveJournal yesterday. We've been
monitoring it for clues as to his
whereabouts, but so far we've found
nothing.
He sits down behind his desk and leans in close to the Battle
Frogs.
CHIEF
Our strict policy is not to
negotiate with space-pirate
terrorists. I'm afraid there's
nothing we can do for your
GIRLFRIEND, or the PRESIDENT.
DWAYNE
No way, man.
LANCE
Come on, there has got to be
something you can do.
CHIEF
Even if we were willing to
compromise, we can't make him the
new king of Saudi Arabia. That's
where the world's fossil fuels come
from and if he's king he won't give
us any and then our country won't
be able to have the excesses
required to make awesome stuff like
music videos, space ships, or video
games. Or at least they would
really suck if we did. Everyone
would have to drive little gay
japanese cars and stuff. Life
without dignity isn't life at all.
We must all sacrifice if we are to
keep our freedoms secure.
LANCE
Yeah, well we got the freedom to
try to get them back. You may not
be able to do anything about it.
But our SENSAI always taught us
that if we do what he tells us, we
can do anything.
DWAYNE
Yeah, anything. Even save the
president, which is what he would
tell us to do if he was here right
now. We can do it, especially now
that we're frogs - that probably
makes us even stronger.
LANCE
I think we should keep our freedom,
and not sacrifice anything. All we
have to do is work hard and kick
everyone's ass, just like how we
won the karate tournament.
CHIEF
Still, we don't know where BIN
LADEN is hiding. You guys will have
to find out where he is if you want
to save the president.
DWAYNE
We'll find him.
CHIEF
Well, before you go, there's
something I need to give you.
From behind his desk he holds up two giant ninja stars.
CHIEF
I knew your father very well.
Before he died, he gave me
something, and now that you guys
are frogs, I think that you should
have it.
DWAYNE
Whoa, they're giant ninja stars.
CHIEF
Not only that: they're surfboards.
Your dad was an avid surfer and
these were his favorite boards.
You can use them to surf anything -
even an ocean, even a tsunami.
YEUNG
Let me take them for awhile - I can
use science to modify the blades
and make them more aerodynamic.
That will allow you to gain lift
when you spin. They'll let you fly
while surfing.
DWAYNE
Sweet!
LANCE
Yeah, that would be cool.
They high-five.
MONTAGE: All this hot 80's music is playing. The battle frogs
are sticking up flyers around town requesting information
about BIN LADEN's hideout location, walking through the
streets questioning people, chasing down and beating up guys
that look like terrorists. LANCE is straddling some moosleum
looking guy and grabbing him by the collar - LANCE looks over
to DWAYNE and shakes his head: it's not BIN LADEN. Yeung is
working hard with a plasma torch, modifying the ninja-star
surf-boards. The tempo picks up - LANCE and DWAYNE are
training hard in their dojo, and working out and stuff. Then
all this smooth saxophone music is playing while LANCE and
DWAYNE are in the shower and they start making out with each
other.
EXT. SURREY CENTRAL STATION - DAY
The Battle Frogs are walking through the streets, sticking up
"MISSING PRESIDENT" flyers, and are affronted by a gang of
clowns. The clowns got all this bondage gear and cowboy
clothing and stuff. Leather chaps, cowboy hats, ball gags,
riding boots - they're cowboy BDSM clowns.
CLOWN GANG LEADER
We're the Haw-Haw Gang! So you're
the guys who are trying to save the
president, eh? We hate that
president - he killed our gang
leader … and my father.
FADE TO:
FLASHBACK (to a time when we were young)
EXT. ORCHARD - DAY
The president and the old leader of the haw-haw gang, a thin
wiry man with many years of experience on his painted brow,
face each other in an orchard in spring.
OLD CLOWN GANG LEADER
Clown son, come.
He turns toward his son and kneels to his level as he
approaches.
OLD CLOWN GANG LEADER
I'm not going to be around forever,
so I want you to know that when I'm
gone, it'll be up to you to take
care of your mother and brothers.
CLOWN SON
What about the dog?
OLD CLOWN GANG LEADER
You may have to eat him. I hope you
have the strength. No go!
CLOWN SON
Paw-paw, Haw-haw!
OLD CLOWN GANG LEADER
Go!
Clown son runs away and hides behind tree, where he watches
from behind it. Paw-paw Haw-haw turns back to the president.
They both draw their swords. They charge toward each other,
take to the air and cross swords in midair, in true ninja
style. They both land in a low crouch and remain still for a
moment. Paw-paw Haw-haw keels over and the president re
sheaths his weapon.
CLOWN SON watches.
END FLASHBACK (to when we could do no wrong)
FADE TO:
I/E. SURREY CENTRAL STATION - DAY
Fade back to the clown son as an adult, as the new gang
leader.
CLOWN GANG LEADER
Now git em!
They have this big fight. The clown leader stands there
watching. The clowns are all like freaks and have chains and
stuff. SKRAAD shows up wearing clown gear.
SKRAAD
(yelling.)
Remember me?
LANCE punches him.
A crowd starts forming and they begin cheering on the Battle
Frogs. The clowns have all these weird clown weapons. One is
juggling knives and throwing them at LANCE and DWAYNE. One of
them is on a unicycle and stuff. The clowns lasso LANCE and
DWAYNE together with colored clown bondage rope, but they
bust out and keep kicking ass. The fight goes through the bus
station and up the escalator to the SkyTrain waiting area. A
SkyTrain stops and more clowns and punks and goths and
cowboys and bondage people come out and join the fight.
There's even a bald chick with spiky bracers and a nose ring.
There's also some goth grim-reaper with a cape and a scythe.
Alot of mohawks and mohawk variants, and alot of dyed hair
and piercings, and alot of semi-naked people. The fight moves
into the SkyTrain.
All these hobos and weird people join in the fight. There's
some fat guy with a diaper, and tranny with a beard and metal
gloves, and someone in a Mr. T gorilla costume, and someone
dressed like a sissy pink Spiderman, and a bunch of zombies -
it's like Halloween or something.
Finally, all the freaks are beaten up, and only the leader of
the Haw-Haw Gang remains. He's fat and looks like a Juggalo.
He takes off his cowboy hat, loosens his suspenders, and
adjusts his codpiece.
They have a fight. Battle Frogs win. Triangle Man.
The leader of the Haw-Haw Gang lays on the floor in a
SkyTrain terminal, dying.
LANCE
Tell me where the president is.
CLOWN GANG LEADER
Ug, Paw-paw Haw-haw, I'm-a-comin.
LANCE
Shut up and tell me where the
president is.
CLOWN GANG LEADER
Ma-ma Haw-haw. Look at what they
did to your little boy. Look --
He dies.
LANCE checks CLOWN SON's body and finds an AIDS pamphlet.
DWAYNE
What's that?
LANCE
It's an AIDS pamphlet. We'd better
get this to the chief of police.
INT. CHIEF OF POLICE'S OFFICE - DAY
LANCE, DWAYNE are sitting at the CHIEF's desk as he looks
over the pamphlet.
CHIEF
Hmmm.... He had an AIDS pamphlet on
him. That means that BIN LADEN is
hiding in a place with lots of
AIDS.
DWAYNE
Africa!
CHIEF
We've got nothing to prove it,
though.
LANCE
It doesn't matter - we've got to
follow any lead we have. We never
know which one may be the right
one.
CHIEF
Okay. We have an agency in Africa
that is looking for some cool frog
dudes like you. I'll get you in
touch. And I'll request a plane for
you, immediately.
LANCE
No time. With every minute, BIN
LADEN gets further away and his
trails fades. We'll just surf there
on our ninja stars.
EXT. AFRICA - DAY
The CHIEF's words are heard while scenes from Africa are
being shown:
CHIEF (V.O.)
Watch out. Africa is dangerous. It
has snakes and stuff. And the
people that live there are all
hardcore and are cannibals.
All this shit's exploding. Kids are running around shooting
grenades at each other and getting exploded by landmines.
All these tribesmen are running around wearing loincloths and
war paint. They have assault rifles and are running around
shooting stuff and having machete duels.
CHIEF (V.O.)
I heard that there's some witch
doctor who used his magic to make
AIDS and that's where AIDS came
from and if he dies, all the AIDS
dies with him. But you can't kill
him until his magic has been
destroyed.
Some witchdoctor is going around with a bunch of hyenas on
chains. He sics his hyenas on people and rips out some guy's
heart and eats it and then yells at the sky.
EXT. ATLANTIC OCEAN - DAY
The Battle Frogs are surfing on their ninja stars.
CHIEF (V.O.)
Godspeed, Battle Frogs, and may you
kick lots of ass.
Ninja terrorists jump out of the water and zip by on skidoos
and hang-glide in throwing bombs and they have swords and
stuff. One of them even comes in riding a great white shark.
Blood fills up the water from all the dead terrorists and
these hammerhead sharks come and start chasing after the
Battle Frogs and eat all the beat-up terrorists. The frogs
spin around on their ninja stars and decapitate some of the
ninja terrorists and then they feed the sharkrider to his own
shark. LANCE uppercuts the great white shark into the air and
DWAYNE does a back flip and cuts it in half with a flash
kick. Then DWAYNE starts rocking out with his sweet electric
guitar. Dark clouds begin to roll in.
LANCE
Why'd you bring the guitar? That's
so lame.
DWAYNE
No way, man. I got to keep
practicing if I'm going to get
awesome at it.
More terrorists come in boats and get beaten up. DWAYNE hits
a few of them with his guitar. Almost all the terrorist
ninjas are dead and those that aren't begin to back off. It
is almost quiet for a moment as a storm is seen building in
the horizon.
Out of the water emerges the Al-Quada secret weapon: a mega
sized squid with all these lasers and chainsaws, and tasers,
and missiles, and weapons built into its tentacles. Riding
atop the cyber-mega-squid is a terrorist ninja who is
controlling the squid with a brain-interface device wired
into the squid's executive neural circuitry. LANCE and DWAYNE
start fighting it.
The typhoon brewing in the distance touches down. Wind speeds
pick up as the storm begins to sweep through the area. The
cyber-mega-squid kicks on its rocket boosters and the battle
takes to the air as everyone is sucked into the typhoon.
While spinning, all of the squid's tentacles get all splayed
out by centripetal force - it looks funny.
The Battle Frogs surf through the cyclone as the squid shoots
rockets and lasers at them. They use their boards to deflect
the lasers back at the squid and its rider. The rider gets
killed, but even without the rider the squid is stuck in
emergency mode and keeps fighting. LANCE and DWAYNE get in
close and block all the chainsaws and stuff with their
surfboards. DWAYNE gets caught by one of the squid's electro
tentacles and it starts electrocuting him, but LANCE chops
off the tentacle with his ninja-star-surfboard, freeing
DWAYNE.
They have a totally intense battle and DWAYNE manages to wire
his electric guitar into the squid's brain and starts playing
a guitar solo and the squid explodes from the awesome. Then
the storm gets real bad and everything starts spinning around
and getting screwed up.
FADE TO BLACK.
INT. BIN LADEN'S AFRICA BASE - DAY
The base is like in the basement of some sort of government
building. All these terrorist ninja goons are carrying boxes
that say things like GENETICS TECHNOLOGY and SCIENCE MACHINE.
The PRESIDENT is all tied up and stuff. BIN LADEN walks
around him.
PRESIDENT
BIN LADEN!
BIN LADEN
That's my name, don't wear it out.
PRESIDENT
Your wicked plans will never work.
Freedom will prevail.
BIN LADEN
(stuff goes here. Big speech. Oooh
revelation. Bin Laden's view is
that America's debt has become too
large to pay, so their plan is to
take over their creditors. They
intend to invade Saudi, but are
first knocking down all the nations
that would come to Saudi's defense
in the case of a complete take
over. After seizing the nation, the
US would be free of its debt and
would have control over the world's
largest energy reserve. Bin laden
sees it as his job to stop that
from happening.)
BIN LADEN gestures to his goons. They grab the president.
BIN LADEN
The crown will be mine! Take him to
the rape room!
PRESIDENT
Nooooooooo!
INT. AFRICA, POLICE HEADQUARTER - DAY
The Battle Frogs are standing before the chief of Africa's
police.
CHIEF OF AFRICAN POLICE
Battle Frogs, we have a very
special mission for you. It's about
AIDS. Now we all know that AIDS is
funny.
LANCE
Haha, AIDS.
DWAYNE
LOL.
COAP
But it stopped being funny for me
when my mom got it and died. That's
why I chose you two. Because you're
frogs and don't get AIDS. And
because you kick ass.
DWAYNE
Tubular!
COAP
As you know, nothing cures AIDS.
Not even gold. The only way to stop
it is by killing all the people who
got it. We tried pouring millions
of dollars into HIV research but
all scientists ever do is study
tiny worms and make up words that
don't make sense.
How the hell can you learn anything
like that? I'm a person not a worm.
So we're showing them how to do it
right. That and we want to kill all
the black people.
LANCE
Okay.
COAP
There's also another mission: one
of Bin Laden's operatives is in
Africa, find him and get the
location of Bin Laden's hideout
from him.
DWAYNE
We're on the case.
I/E. AFRICA, WAR TORN CITY/WORTHLESS FARMLAND - AFTERNOON
The flaming ruins of some suburb can be seen in the
background. There's no grass, only dirt. There are roads, but
they're ridiculously shitty and unusable.
Some retarded guy in an army costume is standing by a burning
hummer and yelling at some afican kid, pointing an M-16 at
the niglet threateningly.
ARMY REDNECK
Stop throwing rocks at my hummer
you little shit-ass-head. Back in
high school I was a football
player, so I can kick you ass,
okay. And I got this gun, so I can
shoot you too.
The kid doesn't know how to talk so he sits there looking all
goofy while the peckerwood yaps. Then the kid's friend whips
out a kalashnikov and shoots the american guy in the face.
The peckerwood starts crying and wheezing and crawling around
on the ground and then the kid starts raping him in the ass
and giving him AIDS while he wheezes and cries like a big
fucking baby that got his face shot off.
The Battle Frogs arrive on their ninja star surfboards and
start killing everyone. They decapitate the kid with the AK
as they touch down.
YEUNG calls them on their cellphone watches.
YEUNG
(on video-cellphone-
watch.)
Watch out for landmines! Africa has
lots of landmines.
DWAYNE
Thanks, dude.
All these black guys in 20-year-old Addidas T-shirts come at
them with machetes. The Battle Frogs beat them up and throw
them on to land-mines and they explode. Then a jeep drives by
with all these people busting caps at them. The whole city
just turns into a big fight.
The whole place is on fire and everything is blowing up and
all these lions come and start eating all the injured
africans, then they attack the Battle Frogs but they uppercut
the lions and lions are exploded by the uppercuts.
Then the witchdoctor shows up with some tribesmen. All the
tribe guys starts dancing and the witch doctor starts yelling
all this gibberish stuff.
Then the dead black guys come back to life as zombies.
YEUNG
(on video-cellphone-
watch.)
The AIDS, it's undergoing a
mutation. They're becoming zombies.
I/E. AFRICA, WAR TORN CITY/WORTHLESS FARMLAND - NIGHTFALL
The sun sets. Everything's all scary and stuff and the Battle
Frogs run around and take cover in a building, but the nigger
zombies are breaking in so LANCE and DWAYNE start blowing
them up with rocket launchers and stuff. Then the dead lions
start waking up as zombies and join in. The Battle Frogs try
to barricade the building with whatever junk is lying around.
They desperately try to keep the zombie niggers out, blowing
away the few that manage to break through.
INT. AFRICA, WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Half a dozen super zombies sneak into the building and they
have a big fight with the Battle Frogs. The zombies are like
doing caporeira or break-dancer fighting or something. During
the fight a crate of rocket launchers is opened up and
everyone grabs one and starts doing like kung-fu with the
rocket launchers and stuff. They're using the rocket
launchers like bo staffs and are standing on top of crates
and jousting like on American Gladiators. One of the Battle
Frogs does this wicked Monkey staff move, like a vaulting
backflip or spinkick or something, and follows it up by
firing a rocket and blowing up a zombie.
Once they kill all the super zombies, the witch doctor
appears before them as an apparition. They shoot stuff at him
but he's all see-though like a ghost or something. He starts
doing all this scary ooga-booga stuff.
YEUNG
(on video-cellphone
watch.)
This isn't good. My calculations
indicate that he's like casting
some kind of death spell. You got
to stop him.
LANCE
But how?
DWYANE whips out his axe.
DWAYNE
Dude, I'm going to play a solo that
will be so awesome that it will
summon the ghosts of Alice Cooper,
Ghengis Khan, and Adolf Hitler to
protect us.
DWYANE starts wailing and all these ghosts of heroes,
warriors, and rockstars rise from the grave and carry the
witch doctor away.
WITCH DOCTOR
I'll be back, mo-jumbo! You haven't
beaten me. MO-JUMBO!
His call echoes through the empty building as the morning
light begins to shine in between the cracks in the boarded up
windows.
FADE TO BLACK.
INT. BIN LADEN'S AFRICA BASE, RAPE ROOM - DAY
The PRESIDENT is all tied up and stuff. BIN LADEN is in there
with him.
BIN LADEN
So, I've just negotiated with the
Saudi royalty. They've agreed to
give me the country in exchange for
letting you live. So I'll keep my
end of the bargain and leave you
behind while I relocate to my
secreter base. But, before we
leave, I'd like to give it to you
one more time, for old time's sake.
BIN LADEN removes the codpeice on his battlesuit. The camera
can't see BIN LADEN's cock, but the look on the PRESIDENT's
face is that of unearthly horror - the cock is unlike
anything nature has produced. SLO-MO shot of BIN LADEN
skullfucking the PRESIDENT.
I/E. AFRICAN SCHOOL - DAY
African kids sitting in a crummy school. They're only
learning ABC's. The Battle Frogs walk by, still sore and
tired from their battle. The kids see the Battle Frogs and
runs over to them and crowd around them. The kids are all
laughing and are happy because the frogs are there.
DWAYNE
Look, they're not fighting or
giving each other AIDS. I guess not
all africans are bad.
LANCE
Yeah, it looks like they're trying
to learn stuff.
The TEACHER comes to them.
TEACHER
Thank you for scaring off the witch
doctor. He brings us nothing but
misery.
LANCE AND DWAYNE
(together, in shock.)
Wow! You can talk!
TEACHER
Yes. I learnt in american school.
Here, come walk with me and I'll
tell you more.
She walks off with the frogs and the kids all run off and
play and stuff.
EXT. AFRICA - DAY
The TEACHER and the Battle Frogs are walking around in the
savana, chatting.
TEACHER
Thank you for killing all those
people. You see, in africa we have
too many people, that's why we need
heroes like you to regulate our
numbers.
LANCE
Why can't you do that yourselves?
TEACHER
We try. But AIDS keeps stealing all
our money and makes us too weak to
kill ourselves fast enough. We
spend too much of our time being
sick and hungry instead of being
free and working hard. We can't buy
AIDS medicine because BIN LADEN
bought all the AIDS medicine
factories and uses them for his own
evil genetic experiments.
LANCE
Wait! You know where BIN LADEN is?
TEACHER
I don't. But the witch doctor does.
The witch doctor is the best
fighter in Bin Laden's underground
kickboxing ring. He's close
associates with Bin Laden and has
more information about his criminal
operations. Don't try to fight him,
though - his magic is too strong.
Kicking his physical ass isn't
enough to beat him. You must be
able to do more than just kick his
ass.
LANCE
Hey! We can kick anything's ass.
DWAYNE
Yeah. We're the battle frogs. Check
out these pythons.
DWAYNE flexes his muscle. LANCE pushes him out of the way and
starts flexing his muscles. They both start bickering.
Bickering turns to wrestling, wrestling turns to cuddling,
cuddling turns to making out.
They have a threesome.
FADE OUT.
EXT. AFRICAN SCHOOL - DAY
Some african kids are dancing in a circle. They're all doing
hip hop and stuff.
The battle frogs are doing some training drills. They're
using trees as punching bags and are practicing all their
kicks and stuff.
LANCE
Hey, that electric guitar stuff you
do isn't so bad. I'm starting to
think that - like - maybe just
because something isn't all about
directly kicking someone's ass, it
isn't necessarily useless.
DWAYNE
Yeah. It's fun to rock out from
time to time. It sucks to be acting
all hard all the time like you do.
You should just relax and let your
inner awesome out.
LANCE
I'm starting to regret not learning
how to do something cool. I spent
all my extra time dedicated only to
learning how to kick ass.
But now that I'm already the best
at kicking ass, I should learn how
to do other stuff so I can combine
all my ass kicking ability with
other cool skills that don't
necessarily involve the direct
kicking of ass. So I can learn to
unleash my inner awesome, so that I
can become a great champion and a
leader, so I can be good at
everything instead of just being
awesome at one thing.
DWAYNE
Hey, it's not too late.
DWAYNE gestures to the kids practicing hip hop funk dancing.
LANCE nods approvingly.
MONTAGE: All this old school rap music is playing as the kids
are teaching LANCE how to be all gangster and stuff. They got
him MCing and breakdancing and making graffiti and stuff.
LANCE is fighting in underground steetfighting tournaments
and is doing all these crazy breakdance moves. LANCE is
working out ghetto-style and is pumping up by lifting cans
filled with concrete and car parts. He's got a gun and is
shooting up some black dudes, but he's holding the gun like
some fag inbred cake-eater sub-urban cop - one of the kids
comes and corrects him and shows him how to hold the gun
gangster style. Soon he's doing drive-bys like pro and is
gunning people down in the street like a sawed-off shotgun
ninja.
INT. AFRICAN GAYBAR/AL-QUADA ISLAMIC SCHOOL - DAY
Battle Frogs walk into a gay bar/al-quada islamic school.
There's all these babes in cages and stuff and fat dudes
raping little kids and stuff. There's all these guys teaching
people how to be terrorists. There's a ring in the center of
the room and all these people are kickboxing in it. The witch
doctor is kicking two people's asses at once.
One guy almost hits the witch doctor, but the witch doctor
spits poison powder in the guy's face and blinds him and then
rips his heart out. The heart keeps beating and the witch
doctor drinks the blood out of it.
Some BIG GUY bumps into LANCE and starts screaming at him in
ooga-booga language. The bar-tender points to the ring and
yells. So the BIG GUY goes into the ring and calls to LANCE.
LANCE is pushed to the ring by the crowd and everyone starts
taking bets. Everyone is betting against LANCE and booing him
as he gets into the ring. One person bets for LANCE: the
witch doctor, who looks at him and laughs and is all creepy
and stuff.
So LANCE is in the ring and the referee, some old wrinkly guy
with no teeth, is distracting LANCE while the BIG GUY sucker
punches him. Then it's on. The BIG GUY is really tough, but
LANCE starts doing all these crazy breakdancing power moves
and is like moving in all these funky ways and totally kicks
the BIG GUY's ass. After rocking the BIG GUY everyone is all
booing and stuff. The witch doctor laughs and disappears.
EXT. AFRICAN SCHOOL - NIGHT
LANCE and DWAYNE return to the school and see a note on the
door … written in blood.
DWAYNE
Dude, it's written in blood.
LANCE
Oh no. It says that they've
kidnapped the teacher and the kids
and that they're going to kill them
unless we fight in the big
kickboxing tournament.
DWAYNE
But they fight to the death in that
tournament.
LANCE
Well, then we're going to have to
train ...
(beat)
... To the death!
Montage of the frogs training while some cheezy 80's music
plays (maybe a song with a name like Battle Ninja Death or
Fight to the Limit or something.) They're all doing all this
hardcore afican training like wrestling with lions and tigers
and surfing on crocodiles and stuff, or like doing chin-ups
on a giraffe's dick or something. Then they chillax by raping
some transvestite hobos and fat women.
INT. AFRICAN GAYBAR/AL-QUADA ISLAMIC SCHOOL - DAY
It's the day of the tournament
(EDIT: STUFF GOES HERE, they fight and beat everyone then
they have a tag team match with the witch doctor and a
werewolv or some fat guy named MOjumbo or something and they
kill him by decapitating him with an electric guitar, but his
spirt flies away and he says "I will live forever, as AIDS,
ahahaha" then they find the teacher and the kids, and save
them and stuff.)
INT. AFRICAN SCHOOL - DAY
The class is in session. The TEACHER is reading the class the
story of Beverly Hills 90210: The Young Adult Novel Series.
In the back of the class, two kids are talking. One of the
them is one of the kids that was teaching LANCE to be
gangster.
BAD KID
You're going to have to kill him.
Kill the frog.
HIP HOP KID
No, I can't - he's just too cool.
BAD KID
You have to - it's your fault. He's
wasting everyone and you've got to
put a stop to it.
The BAD KID passes HHK a rocket launcher.
BAD KID
He killed my dad. He killed alot of
people's dads. We must have
vengeance. If you don't do it, I'll
give you AIDS.
HHK looks down at the rocket launcher.
EXT. AFRICA, OUTSIDE SCHOOL - DAY
School is dismissed. The kids leave. HHK stays behind,
standing outside the school.
Nearby, DWAYNE is playing on his guitar while LANCE beat
boxes along with him.
The kid is about shoot LANCE from behind with a rocket. LANCE
sees him in reflective corner of his sunglasses. The kid
fires, but LANCE catches the rocket, spins it around and
sends it back at the kid and blows him up. Then all the kid's
friends start shooting at LANCE and he kills everyone. One of
the wounded kids is about to shoot LANCE from the side, but
the TEACHER gets in the way and takes the bullet. LANCE
wastes the kid and goes to the TEACHER.
TEACHER
(dying.)
Oh, LANCE. I didn't notice it
before. You ... You've become so
awesome.
She dies. LANCE looks up at the sky. He's pissed.
LANCE
Noooooo!
MONTAGE: Battle Frogs killing black kids. Battle Frogs
killing black dudes. Battle Frogs raping hot black babes.
Battle Frogs raping ugly black babes. Battle Frogs killing
all the raped black babes.
Tearing through the street in a chopped humvee, with a
machine gun mounted to the back, shooting up niggers just
like in Black Hawk Down, the best movie ever made (about
shooting niggers.) They take turns driving and shooting. Then
a helicopter starts shooting at them from far away. The
helicopter bullets are real big and make huge craters in the
already fucked-up road. LANCE whips out a Stinger and shoots
the helicopter and it blows up and falls to the ground. As
they drive by the flaming wreckage, DWAYNE shoots the burning
crash survivors with an uzi as they run around and roll on
the ground on fire.
EXT. AFRICA - DAY
The Battle Frogs are sitting there in the street atop a pile
of dead nigger parts and the god comes from out of the sky.
GOD
The world was too full of niggers
and you did me a favor by killing
them all. Thanks guys.
DWAYNE
Hey god?
GOD
Yeah.
DWAYNE
If you're all-powerful and stuff,
why didn't you kill them yourself?
GOD
Because I was too busy jerking off
to failed abortions, car crashes,
and rough-gay-frog-sex.
DWAYNE
Wow! You whack it to the internet!?
GOD
You bet. Why the fuck do you think
I invented your stupid planet?
It was so you can make fucked up
porn for me to jerk off to. Didn't
you know that? Didn't you guys get
all those messages I sent down to
you?
LANCE
You mean the scriptures? Nah, some
tard mistranslated them all and all
we got where confusing and
contradictory stories about why you
should molest your kids.
GOD
Man, it took you guys long enough
to start making interesting porn. I
had to wait like a billion years
until you were smart enough to
start drawing stuff on caves.
LANCE
Hey god, will you teach us to be
awesome?
GOD
I don't need to - you've already
learnt that for yourselves.
Everyone knows how to be awesome,
they just have to realize that they
know it.
DWAYNE
Hey, does this mean that my other
imaginary friends are real too?
GOD
No, I'm just here to confirm that
by whole-heartedly believing in the
unconquerable power of your
cultural superiority, you'll be
able to kick the ass of anything in
the universe.
LANCE and DWAYNE high-five.
GOD
You two have done very well.
Because the AIDS has nowhere left
to live, it has concentrated itself
into a single entity. Go find it.
If you kill it, you will also
destroy the source of the witch
doctor's power.
DWAYNE
Then we can learn the location of
BIN LADEN's lair!
LANCE
Let's go.
They jump down off the pile of bodies and run off into the
streets, looking for AIDS.
GOD
Godspeed, Battle Frogs.
EXT. STREETS OF AFRICA - DAY
The Battle Frogs are looking everywhere for AIDS but they
can't find it. Everything is quiet, a little too quiet.
Then, all of a sudden, something comes through a brick wall.
It's the KOOL-AIDS MAN!
KOOL-AIDS MAN
Oh Yeah!
He shoots AIDS at the Battle Frogs. It bounces off of them.
DWAYNE
Dude, we're frogs.
LANCE
We can't get AIDS - only black
people can.
DWAYNE
Yeah, and we killed them all -
you've nowhere to run.
They fight. KOOL-AIDS MAN is real strong and he picks one of
them up and throws him through a wall. He kicks the other one
and it really hurts.
DWAYNE starts rocking out on his guitar.
DWAYNE
I summon the spirits of voodoo
guitar power.
LANCE begins doing hip hop dancing.
LANCE
I call on the ghosts of past
rappers.
All these ghosts come out of everywhere and mix together and
smash into the KOOL-AIDS MAN. All this special effects stuff
happens.
YEUNG
(on video-cellphone
watch.)
Now, quickly, while he's weakened!
The Battle Frogs beat the shit out of the KOOL-AIDS MAN. His
abdomen is ruptured and he begins spraying HIV infected blood
everywhere.
KOOL-AIDS MAN
Oh Noooooooo!
He explodes.
INT. VOODOO CAVE - NIGHT
The Battle Frogs have the witch doctor's head on a stone and
they're reading through one of the teacher's african books.
DWAYNE playes a relaxed solo while LANCE starts MCing magical
spells from out of the book. The head comes to life.
WITCH DOCTOR
Thank you for freeing me of my
curse. How can I repay you.
LANCE
Tell us where Bin Laden is, faggot.
WITCH DOCTOR
Okay.
CUT TO:
INT. BIN LADEN'S AFRICA BASE, HALLWAY - DAY
Subtitle: Bin Laden's Africa Base
The Battle Frogs are smashing their way through the base.
There's all this genetic science stuff everywhere like PCR
machines and centrifuges and autoclaves and spectrometers and
microscopes and fridges and glowing magic stuff like on CSI.
Fucking CSI - they're all a bunch of homos on that show.
INT. BIN LADEN'S AFRICA BASE, EXPERIMENTAL RAPE ROOM - DAY
All these bean-niggers and camel-fuckers are fucking each
other in the ass. In the next cell, some colored guy is
anally giving birth to a brown baby (a baby, not an actual
load of shit, although the difference is marginal.)
The Battle Frogs enter the room and are horrified to see such
unnatural acts.
LANCE
Look, they're using genetic science
to make a hybrid between a mexican
and an arab.
DWAYNE
But that's illegal.
BIN LADEN (O.C.)
I see you've found my underground
lab.
Bin Laden stands on a catwalk. Next to him, the president is
tied up.
LANCE AND DWAYNE
Bin Laden!
BIN LADEN
It is here that I perform my
unnatural science experiments.
America is strong, but it is only
as strong as the people living in
it. Mexicans make America weak
because of their laziness and in
born criminality, mooslems make
America weak with their terrorist
instincts and hatred of freedom.
Freedom and hard-workingness, the
two elements of which awesomeness
is comprised. Awesomeness, the one
thing that can destroy everything
I've worked so hard for.
By using genetic engineering I've
allowed arabs to cross-breed with
mexicans to make a race so
untrustworthy, and uncool that they
will dilute America's awesome power
until it is nothing. Don't think
that you can stop me - I've already
released my most virulent strains
into the population where they are
reproducing at an alarming rate.
LANCE
We can stop you. We stop you
everyday by using our freedom to
work hard and make our nation
strong. Your genetic monsters will
eventually just wind up in jail or
too poor to reproduce because it is
the strong that survive --
DWAYNE
(rhyming.)
And the awesome that thrive!
The battle frogs give each other a high five.
BIN LADEN
Your sensai never told you the
truth about your father.
LANCE
He told me you're a fag.
BIN LADEN
I raped your father.
LANCE and DWAYNE approach him.
LANCE
No!
DWAYNE
That can't be.
BIN LADEN
You back off. I'm such a stud, I
banged like eight women at once
yesterday. So I can kick your ass.
LANCE
Oh yeah! I fucked three marines
yesterday.
BIN LADEN
So you're a fag. Big whoop.
DWAYNE
A fag that can rape three marines
at once. You only fuck women and
women are weak. It takes a real man
to fuck other men.
LANCE
Yeah. Any pussy can fuck a bitch.
To rape a stud, you've got to be
like some kind of hyperstud.
DWAYNE
Yeah, we're hyperstuds. Megastuds.
BIN LADEN
Oh yeah! Well I raped a fucking
camel. Those bastards are huge!
They're mean and they're strong and
if I can rape a full-grown camel, I
can certainly rape a bunch of
faggot frogs.
DWAYNE
That's nothing! I banged like an
eight-hundred pound hog just the
other day. One of those porkers can
eat a man whole.
BIN LADEN
Well, watch this:
Unveils a tiger in a cage. Bin Laden goes into the cage and
starts raping the tiger.
BIN LADEN
I'm fucking a fucking tiger. Let's
see you do that.
The frogs drag a bear into the room. One holds it down while
the other rapes it.
LANCE
We're doing a bear, bitch!
Bin Laden jumps into a pool of water and begins fucking a
killer whale.
BIN LADEN
A killer whale. A killer whale!
The frogs take turns on an elephant.
BIN LADEN
Holy shit! They're doing an
elephant. That's just hardcore. I'm
out of here.
Bin Laden does a triple twist half pike off the catwalk and
lands in his battle cruiser as it speeds away, smashing
through the wall of the base and flies off.
BIN LADEN
I'll get you faggots next time.
NEXT TIME!
INT. BIN LADEN'S AFRICA BASE, EXPERIMENTAL RAPE ROOM - LATER
Special african police are in the base arresting all the bad
guys and dismantling the science stuff. The president is
untied and is shaking the Battle Frogs hands and talking to
them.
PRESIDENT
You boys did pretty good. Maybe one
day you can be the president.
DWAYNE
That would be pretty sweet. Then we
could like bang all the babes in
the country.
LANCE
We're already the best fighters in
the country, maybe even better than
you, so why can't we be the
president now?
PRESIDENT
Because there's more to life than
just beating people up. You have to
learn other things like how to be
cool and stuff.
For instance, being a wrestling and
ninja sword champion wasn't enough
for me - I won being the president
by learning to harness my inner
poetic soul:
River stops flowing,
Dead blossoms fall to the Earth -
We remain ever still…
…in the footprints of our past.
LANCE
No offense mister President, but
that's pretty gay.
PRESIDENT
Don't worry kids - one day you'll
understand.
DWAYNE
I don't know, I thought it was
okay.
LANCE
Yeah, but you also like John
Stamos.
DWAYNE
Dude, we totally saved the
president.
LANCE
Yeah, now all we have to do is save
our girlfriend.
DWAYNE
Do we really have to - now that
we're heroes, we can have like a
million girlfriends. We could have
like a new one every day. We could
each have one!
LANCE
But she was there for us when we
were just losers that kicked
everyone's asses really well,
before we were really cool. We owe
it her.
PRESIDENT
Tell me more about this girlfriend
of yours. Is she the one who I was
kidnapped with?
LANCE
Yeah, that's her. It's awesome,
she's Asian - so even if she was a
man, you'd never be able to tell
the difference.
DWAYNE
And she lets us piss on her face.
PRESIDENT
BIN LADEN sent her to his secreter
base and is probably boning her in
the ass at this very moment.
DWAYNE
Aw, that sucks. We have to save
her.
The chief of african police approaches with a chick in
handcuffs. She's totally white, but the make up makes her
look all "exotic" and stuff.
COAP
Here is BIN LADEN's number one
operative. She knows his even
secreter hideout, but we can't get
her to talk. You'll have to
interrogate her … erotically.
LANCE
No problem, dude.
(to DWAYNE.)
I'll be good cop, you'll be bad
cop.
CUT TO:
INT. AFRICAN RAPE ROOM - DAY
Montage of the frogs banging her in a variety of positions
and beating her up. First they take turns, then they double
team. They got her doing a lie detector test while fucking
her.
Then a shot of the Battle Frogs surfing through the air
superimposed over a world map with a red arrow going from
africa to iraq.
INT. IRAQ, POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Subtitle: IRAQ
The Battle Frogs are standing before the chief of iraq's
police, who is seated at his desk. Tied up in the corner of
the room is some terrorist guy.
CHIEF OF IRAQ POLICE
Okay, so she learnt how to talk
English and told us the location of
another operative who should
actually know the location of BIN
LADEN's headquarters. We sent our
agents to retrieved him and bring
him here for you to interrogate.
LANCE
Alright.
CUT TO:
INT. IRAQ RAPE ROOM - DAY
Montage of the frogs raping and torturing him. One of them
inverts his cloaca and skullfucks one of the dude's eyes out.
INT. IRAQ, POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Chief sitting at his desk as before.
CHIEF OF IRAQ POLICE
Okay, so he's about to talk. You
just need to rape him a bit more.
DWAYNE
No problem.
CUT TO:
INT. IRAQ RAPE ROOM - DAY
Battlefrogs rape the guy some more. They skullfuck him in the
other eye.
Montage of rape-interrogation cross-cut with shot of Battle
Frogs surfing on their ninja stars while superimposed against
a transparency of the world map with a red arrow pointing
from iraq to iran.
CHIEF OF IRAQ POLICE (V.O.)
Okay, so he finally talked. He gave
us the name and location of another
informant. We think that this one
may know where BIN LADEN is hiding.
Subtitle: IRAN
Montage of the frogs raping and torturing the third
informant.
INT. IRAN, POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Chief of iran police sitting at his desk. The Battle Frogs
stand before him.
CHIEF OF IRAN POLICE
You didn't have to rape him, he was
going to talk.
LANCE
We were checking to see if he knew
anything else.
CHIEF OF IRAN POLICE
Oh, well, then carry on.
Montage of the frogs raping him some more.
FADE TO BLACK.
INT. SOME PRESIDENT BASE - DAY
The Battle Frogs have a private council with the president in
an office or something.
PRESIDENT
There is something I have to tell
you both.
The president rips off a latex mask - he is their SENSAI.
LANCE AND DWAYNE
SENSAI!
SENSAI nods wisely.
SENSAI
That is right. I am actually the
president while training you in
secret.
LANCE
But why?
SENSAI
As the PRESIDENT, I had many
enemies. And I couldn't let them
get to you, so I needed to keep my
identity hidden.
SENSAI rips off a latex mask and is the PRESIDENT again.
DWAYNE
Wow. The PRESIDENT.
PRESIDENT
Yes, but I am also your father.
LANCE AND DWAYNE
DAD!
PRESIDENT
Yes, my sons.
DWAYNE
Hey dad, why was one of us chinese
and the other white?
PRESIDENT
Well, when I was in Vietnam I used
to get around a lot. It turns out
that two of my favorite whores were
also secretly working as operatives
for a Viet Cong intelligence
gathering network.
LANCE AND DWAYNE
Our moms!
PRESIDENT
Yes. It was only after I killed
them did I learn that they had my
sons, which I took back to America
so I can give them a proper
upbringing.
LANCE
Dad, is it true you got raped by
BIN LADEN while in Vietnam?
The PRESIDENT just looks down at the floor and is silent,
shaking his head.
LANCE
No! No!
Runs away sobbing.
DWAYNE
LANCE!
Runs after LANCE.
INT. PRESIDENT BASE, SOME OTHER ROOM - DAY
LANCE is pacing around, breathing heavy and trying not to
cry. DWAYNE catches up with him.
LANCE
I hate this. I hate being frogs.
This really sucks, yo.
DWAYNE
Look, man, I know you're pissed.
Pissed about dad getting raped by
BIN LADEN. Pissed about our moms
getting wasted. Pissed about our
girlfriend being kidnapped. Pissed
about being a frog. But you can't
just keep taking it out on
yourself.
LANCE
It's just that we're going to be
frogs forever. It didn't bother me
earlier because I was all pumped up
to save the president and stuff.
But now I'm thinking and it's just
that I don't know how to face
everyone I know now that I'm a
frog. It may be cool for awhile,
but we're going to be like this all
the time and I just don't know how
we're going to be able to live like
this… like freaks.
DWAYNE
It won't be forever. We'll get the
cancer cure and fix everything.
But, even though we're frogs, we're
still brothers, and that's all that
matters.
LANCE
(getting less pissed,
joking a bit)
Frogs just suck so much.
DWAYNE
Shut up. Frogs are awesome.
LANCE
No, you shut up.
DWAYNE
No, you shut up queerface.
LANCE
No, you shut up, fag.
DWAYNE
No, you're a fag.
LANCE
No, you are.
They make out. This time, they mean it.
Montage of sweet frog love.
FADE TO BLACK.
INT. IRAQ, POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
The chief of iraq police sits behind his desk as before. He
was a map of the middle east with a whole bunch of strategy
stuff drawn and labelled on it. LANCE and DWAYNE and the
PRESIDENT are in attendance.
CHIEF OF IRAQ POLICE
Bin Laden's secret underground high
tech base is located beneath the
Saudi Arabian desert.
The problem is that, although we
have them surrounded, the entire
country is so heavily fortified
that getting in unnoticed would be
impossible. That and, technically,
they're allies with us and an
attack on them could damage our
standing with the international
community.
LANCE
Don't be such a pussy.
DWAYNE
Yeah, we'll do it for you. We're
not scared of no international
bullshit.
CHIEF OF IRAQ POLICE
That's what I was hoping. We can't
go in because of politics stuff,
but you guys can because you're the
battle frogs.
LANCE
That's right.
(to DWAYNE.)
Don't you remember how we used to
be just a bunch of nobody karate
champions? Now we're Battle Frogs
and this is our chance to change
ourselves and our world.
DWAYNE
Alright, let's rock on forever.
PRESIDENT nods wisely.
EXT. SAUDI AIRSPACE - DAY
Flying through the sky is the Battle Frogs' customized jet
assault vehicle. Painted in green camouflage, it has two
cockpits that resemble frog's eyes. LANCE and DWAYNE are
seated in the eye-cockpits.
CHIEF OF IRAQ POLICE (V.O.)
If you can blow up the House of
Kabbah, it will trigger an
underground chain reaction that
will blow up all the oil and
disable their defense network,
which would allow our foreign
satellite agents to get in and shut
down BIN LADEN's operations.
PRESIDENT (V.O.)
To aid you on your mission is your
customized assault space-jet
vehicle. Designed and tested by
YEUNG, the engineer you met back in
America, and funded by a special
program signed by me, the
PRESIDENT. Godspeed, Battle Frogs.
All these Saudi guys are like shooting rockets and stinger
missiles at the Battle Frogs, but they're all dodging and
dekeing out the missiles and blowing them up before they hit
them and stuff.
DWAYNE
Cool, do a barrel roll!
LANCE
Hold on!
They do all these plane stunts and all the missiles miss them
and fly back and blow up the guys who shot them.
INT. COCKPIT - CONTINUOUS
YEUNG's face appears on the viewscreen next to that of the
PRESIDENT.
YEUNG
Woah, guys. Be careful with that.
It's still in its experimental
phase.
LANCE gives him the finger through the veiwscreen.
LANCE
Fuck you, clown!
EXT. SAUDI AIRSPACE - CONTINUOUS
Montage of more stunts and stuff. V.O. of everyone saying how
cool LANCE and DWAYNE are. All this awesome rock music is
playing like in a less gay version of Top Gun.
EXT. MECCA, HOUSE OF KABBAH - DAY
There's like this big black cube and all these guys dancing
around it or something. The Battle Frog Assault Space Jet
approaches.
DWAYNE
We have visual confirmation.
LANCE
Let's do this thing!
The battle jet dives and plunges through the air and slams
into the black cube and explodes and vaporizes everything in
a huge explosion that starts all these other underground
explosions that blow up everything. LANCE and DWAYNE surf the
explosions on their ninja star surf boards and land safely
outside the hidden entrance to BIN LADEN's secretest base.
The doors were blasted open from the inside by the explosion.
LANCE
I guess Islam only has four
pillars, now.
DWAYNE
Dude, we did it! We're heroes, man!
INT. PRESIDENT BASE - CONTINUOUS
Everyone's partying and giving each other high fives. All the
action is visible on sweet big screen TV.
Everyone's like dunking gatorade and champagne on each other
and stuff, and all these hot, but a bit nerdy, babes are
totally making out with each other or something. Whatever,
everyone's happy.
PRESIDENT
Send in the ninjas. Go! Go!
Shot of the world map with all these star-spangled red,
white, and blue arrows from Israel, Iraq, Kuwait, UAE all
pouring into Saudi Arabia and, like, all these fireworks
going off.
PRESIDENT
Okay, you guys did your job. You
can come back and celebrate and
we'll handle the rest.
I/E. BIN LADEN'S LAIR - CONTINUOUS
LANCE and DWAYNE are standing at the entrance to BIN LADEN's
ultimate secret base, they are talking to the PRESIDENT
through their cellphone watches.
DWAYNE
No way, man. We're not turning back
now.
LANCE
Yeah, we're going to get that Bin
faggot, and save our girlfriend.
PRESIDENT (O.C.)
Okay, but then you'll have to
resign as top secret ninjas because
you're not following orders.
LANCE
Then we're turning in our badges,
then. This is more important.
PRESIDENT (O.C.)
I'm proud of you!
LANCE
Let's go!
LANCE and DWAYNE run into the lair. Smoke is pouring out of
the entrance.
INT. BIN LADEN'S LAIR - DAY
Awesome music montage of LANCE and DWAYNE beating everyone up
and smashing their way through the base. They get all these
guns and start wasting everyone and blowing up stuff. Then
they run out of ammo and start beating people up with the
guns. BIN LADEN's secret underground base is totally pimped
out and it has TV's and Playstations everywhere and all these
ninja terrorists come out of secret doors and stuff and jump
down from the ceiling and the Battle Frogs beat them up. They
fight their way through floor-after-floor of evil base and
there's all these vats of genetic acid everywhere and they
throw the bad guys into the genetic acid and it makes them
all die.
LANCE and DWAYNE are clearing out all the bad guys and they
get to this doorway marked "Bin Laden's Room", but then these
two robots walk in from the door and confront the Battle
Frogs and start breakdancing. LANCE and DWAYNE fight the
breakdancing robots who do all these breakdancing moves on
them while hitting and roboting and stuff. Then the robots
make the alarm go off and even more terrorist ninjas come and
the whole room is full of ninja terrorist mutant mexicarabs
and LANCE and DWAYNE are like punching out three of them with
a single punch because there's so many of them.
DWAYNE
Dude, there's too many of them.
LANCE punches out some more of them.
LANCE
Yeah, I know.
DWAYNE
Let's stick our power together.
Together like brothers.
LANCE
Not just brothers - but as friends.
LANCE AND DWAYNE
We call this move: Shocked and
Awesome.
They fuse their bodies together - LANCE sticks himself to
DWAYNE's back. LANCE starts doing these wicked headspins
while DWAYNE plays a face-melting solo, shooting rays of
awesome in a circle and vaporizing and killing all the
ninjas.
Only the robots are left, stunned, but still functional.
LANCE and DWAYNE can totally dance better than them now cause
they're all pumped. They're fighting real good and using all
these tag team moves and stuff. The Battle Frogs beat up the
robots and they explode.
INT. BIN LADEN'S LAIR, BIN LADEN'S ROOM - DAY
GIRLFRIEND is tied up an hanging from the ceiling. The room
is huge and the roof isn't visible. BIN LADEN stands behind
the railing of an elevated area overlooking his throne room,
his back turned toward a set of double doors opposite him. He
is looking at his reflection in a green vat of SCIENCE ACID.
He is wearing his battle suit.
The massive double doors swing open and the Battle Frogs
enter, backlit by fire and explosions, the disembodied head
and spine of one of the guard robots in LANCE's hand. He
drops the head.
DWAYNE points up toward GIRLFRIEND.
DWAYNE
GIRLFRIEND!
LANCE
BIN LADEN!
Mechanical whirring, GIRLFRIEND is lifted higher, out of
sight.
BIN LADEN turns and faces the Battle Frogs.
BIN LADEN
When I was a kid I had this Syrian
hamster. Like the Syrian people,
she was a purebred warrior at heart
and would spend hours in the
desert, stoically staring at the
sand dunes, planning her conquest.
Her sisters were always very cruel
to her - they would bite her face,
steal the food from her mouth,
urinate on her while she slept, and
eat her children. She knew that she
was born to be a ruler and so did
they, which is why they did
everything in their power to stop
her, not only for their own good,
but that of the world. Day by day,
they were killing her with
starvation, stress and filth. Did a
world that allows such torment
really deserve to be protected? So
one day she left. In the desert she
disappeared and her sisters
rejoiced, finally being rid of her.
But the desert took her in and
showed her its secrets. It showed
her how to move over the earth like
the wind and how to be as silent as
a scorpion at night. The intensity
of the sun was that of her own
thirst for vengeance, and after one
hundred-and-fifty-one years in the
desert she returned to her family's
burrow, and, moving fast and
silently like a wind spirit, gnawed
out the throats of every one of her
siblings. In the end, she conquered
nothing - she lives alone in her
burrow while the desert continues
on, unchanged.
LANCE
BO-RING! Let's just fight.
DWAYNE
Yeah. You're going down Bin Butt
head!
BIN LADEN
Not so fast! Don't forget, I have
your girlfriend.
Cage with girlfriend in it lowers from the ceiling and hangs
above a vat of acid filled with acid sharks. The vat is
labeled: WARNING: ACID and WARNING: ACID SHARKS. All these
ninja terrorists cartwheel into the room and form a circle.
BIN LADEN
Come one step closer and I'll drop
her into this vat of AMINO ACID!
Shark breaches the surface of the acid.
BIN LADEN
Which is also filled with acid
sharks!
LANCE
Yeah, well, we're not leaving here
until we've kicked your ass.
BIN LADEN
I have a better idea. Full court.
First one to twenty-one wins.
BIN LADEN does a flip off the elevated area and lands before
LANCE and DWAYNE. The lights go out and blacklights turn on.
All these lasers on the roof and walls light up and
illuminate a pattern of a basketball court on the floor. A
basketball falls from the roof and BIN LADEN catches it.
All this funky music plays and BIN LADEN passes LANCE the
ball and they all play basketball. Everyone does all these
slam dunks and stuff.
Its' pretty even - Bin Laden is awesome at basketball and the
Battle Frogs are having trouble beating him. BIN LADEN even
shatters the backboards with a 3-point slam dunk. BIN LADEN
is ahead by two points and the time is down to five seconds.
The ninja terrorists are cheering and chanting for BIN LADEN.
LANCE
Okay, time out.
LANCE and DWAYNE huddle.
LANCE
What are we going to do? He's too
good. The fucker can ball.
DWAYNE
We're going to have to try
something unorthodox.
LANCE
That sounds pretty gay.
DWAYNE
It's our only chance. I'm going to
rock on my guitar to distract him
with culturally offensive music
while you use your hip-hop moves to
get around him and take a shot from
half-court.
LANCE
Now that really sounds gay,
(beat.)
In a hot way.
Dwayne starts rocking out with his guitar and Bin Laden, and
all the ninja terrorists, blocks their ears and start
writhing in pain.
LANCE
It's working. Now hit that whammy
like a redneck hits his wife after
a day at the pig shit factory.
Dwayne goes nuts on the wah-wah. The time starts counting
down. Lance ollies around the stunned Bin Laden and takes a
shot off the buzzer from half-court. The sonic pressure wave
from the electric guitar pushes the ball along and it goes
in: SWISH. Then the backboards explode and the broken glass
flies everywhere and stabs all the ninja terrorists in the
faces and hearts and they die.
DWAYNE
We win, man.
BIN LADEN
Alright! Take her.
The cage with GIRLFRIEND lowers to the ground safely.
LANCE
Hey, Bin Laden, you're pretty cool.
LANCE AND DWAYNE
NOT!
BIN LADEN
As long as I still have my cancer
ray, my space station, and
ownership of Saudi Arabia, my
master plan remains unaffected.
The court opens up, sliding open from halfcourt, revealing a
hidden basement with BIN LADEN's rocket in it, ready for
takeoff. The lights go out and natural sunlight fills the
room from above as the ceiling begins to open up and the
rocket ignites and starts to take off.
BIN LADEN gives them the finger with both hands and does a
front gainer into the rocket as it lifts off. He flies into
space.
LANCE
Okay, we totally have to follow him
and stop his master plan.
DWAYNE
But how are we going to get into
space?
YEUNG shows up driving a rocket.
YEUNG
Hey guys I came as soon as I heard.
I made a space rocket, thanks to
special funding from the PRESIDENT.
LANCE
Outstanding.
DWAYNE
Balls!
LANCE
Now we can go after BIN butt-head.
EXT. BIN LADEN'S LAIR - DAY
YEUNG's rocket takes off from BIN LADEN's base and flies into
space.
EXT. ATMOSPHERE - DAY/NIGHT
In space, the rocket docks onto BIN LADEN's space station.
INT. BIN LADEN'S SPACE STATION - DAY/NIGHT
BIN LADEN is working at the controls of the space station.
Pounding can be heard on the other side of the sealed door
blocking off the docking port. Dents form in the door with
each pound. Eventually the door busts off its hinges - LANCE
has kicked through the door. BIN LADEN turns around to face
them.
LANCE
Tell us your master plan, bitch.
BIN LADEN
Okay, I've upgraded my cancer ray
so that instead of turning people
into frogs, it turns them into
cancer --
DWAYNE
Oh, shit.
BIN LADEN
And I've mounted it to a satellite
that will circle the earth and
shoot the whole earth with cancer
rays.
LANCE
Na-uh. The earth has an ozone layer
that will block all your cancer
rays. I learnt that in school. And
I'm not ashamed to admit that
knowledge is cool.
BIN LADEN
The ozone layer would block the
rays, but now that I own Saudi
Arabia, I'm going to burn all the
fossil fuels and cause the
greenhouse effect and break the
ozone layer.
DWAYNE
Oh, fuck.
BIN LADEN
Yeah, and the only people that
would be immune to the cancer rays
are black people because they have
stuff in their skin that makes it
black and blocks cancer rays. But
guess who got rid of them for me?
DWAYNE
Damn, that was us.
BIN LADEN
And once all the white people die
of cancer, I'll be able to rule the
whole world. Except for maybe
China, but they got their own thing
going on.
LANCE
Shut the fuck up.
BIN LADEN
No, you shut up.
LANCE
Make me.
BIN LADEN
No, you make me.
LANCE
What? You want to go?
BIN LADEN
Okay. But first, I think you should
see my true form.
BIN LADEN sheds his skin and turns into some kind of crazy
cyborg alien.
They break out into a fight. They all put these rockets on to
their hands and feet to they can fight in zero-G without
having to do just jujitsu moves only. BIN LADEN in his true
form is really tough - he's got a force field that he uses to
block punches and he goes so fast and hard that he blurs when
he moves and does all these wrestling moves like fireman's
powerbombs and stuff. When he punches, lasers come out of his
fist. When he kicks, lighting comes out. When he punches and
kicks at the same time, lighting and lasers come out. During
the fight, they bust the space station and it falls out of
orbit.
EXT. BIN LADEN'S SPACE STATION - DAY/NIGHT
Space station getting all busted from within. All this steam
and shit is flying out of it and it starts to fall toward
earth.
INT. BIN LADEN'S SPACE STATION - DAY/NIGHT
The fighting continues. YEUNG's face appears on the space
station's veiwscreen.
YEUNG
According to my calculations,
you're falling out of orbit. You
have to get out of there before it
explodes.
The space station enters the atmosphere and starts burning
up. Everyone keeps fighting and BIN LADEN uses his
mirrorblade technique to split into two CYBER ALIEN BIN
LADENs. YEUNG's face appears again on the flickering display
screen. He's frantically, yet mutely, trying to warn
everybody. Segments of his voice come through between static,
but is mostly inaudible. One of the Battle Frogs is thrown
into the screen, shattering it. DWAYNE chops one of the BIN
LADENs in half with his guitar, but it was just a shadow and
not the real CYBER ALIEN BIN LADEN. They keep fighting and
everyone is just going nuts on each other. The Battle Frogs
are doing all these zero-G tag team moves and CYBER ALIEN BIN
LADEN is totally fighting them both at once.
LANCE
It' s going to blow!
DWAYNE
Shit. Fuck!
The space station explodes.
FADE OUT.
EXT. HAWAII - DAY
The battlefrogs land safely in Hawaii. They land in hammocks
and all these hula babes serve them drinks while all these
hula dudes play ukuleles.
EXT. BLOWN UP SAUDI ARABIA - DAY
Bin Laden is alone in the desert and stares into the horizon.
He cups his face in his hands with anguish. The sun glares
down on the smoking ruins of the shattered landscape he now
rules. He looks up and yells at the sky.
BIN LADEN
This isn't what I wanted. This
isn't what I wanted!
EXT. HAWAII - AFTERNOON
Battle frogs are banging some Hawaiian street kid.
EXT. HEAVEN - DAY
GOD watches them fuck the kid on a TV built into a cloud. On
another screen are videos of car crashes, and on a third is a
POV shot of a doctor with a bloody wire-coat hanger mouthing
the words: OH SHIT! GOD is jerking off.
GOD
Oh yeah.
HITLER comes and puts his hand on GOD's shoulder. GOD gets
up.
HITLER
Give me some sugar, honey.
God and Hitler make out. Hitler is the man.
EXT. BLOWN UP SAUDI ARABIA - AFTERNOON
BIN LADEN looks up at the sky, yelling.
BIN LADEN
You'll suck cock for this, Battle
Frogs. COOOOOOOCK!
FADE OUT.
INT. SOME HIGH SCHOOL GYM - MORNING
Subtitle: NEXT YEAR
A karate tournament in a high school gym. The PRESIDENT is in
attendance. The battlefrogs hold up another karate trophy.
GIRLFRIEND stands by with a microphone, ready to interview
them. LANCE and DWAYNE talk into the mike and address the
audience.
DWAYNE
Okay we have something to say.
LANCE
Yeah, we've learnt that just
beating people up isn't enough, so
we're going to play some music for
you guys.
DWAYNE
Crank up the crankables - we're
getting ready to rock and rap.
DWAYNE whips out his guitar and starts wailing hard while
LANCE grabs the mic and starts rapping.
The audience goes nuts for it. Everyone likes it.
The PRESIDENT takes the mic.
PRESIDENT
I think it's time for me to pass my
presidency on to someone more
worthy. You two have come a long
way and I'm more than happy to have
you be the new president.
DWAYNE
Awesome!
LANCE
We'll take it.
DWAYNE
And, GIRLFRIEND, we'll like you to
be our new first lady.
GIRLFRIEND
Balls!
The Battle Frogs give each other a high-five. Freeze frame of
the high-five.
Roll credits.
FADE TO BLACK.
Return to Simply Scripts