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EXT. SOME HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Subtitle: 2001 - THE FUTURE INT. SOME HIGH SCHOOL GYM - MORNING Subtitle: NATIONAL WORLD KARATE CHAMPIONSHIPS A karate fighter comes down hard on the mat after being kicked. The REFEREE waves his hands, indicating a victory. DWAYNE Yeah, SENSAI, I did it! SENSAI nods wisely. REFEREE On deck: LANCE. DWAYNE returns to his place on the edge of the mat and holds his hand up for a high five. LANCE leaves him hanging and looks away - he's too cool. DWAYNE gives him the french wave. DWAYNE Pshhaw. Watch out, dude - the guy you're up against is real tough. LANCE's opponent makes his way to the mat. He's a total punk - he's got like all this spikey dyed hair and torn, studded denim clothing on under his karate costume. He's got like all these piercings and chains and looks like a real badass. He looks at some kid and makes him cry. REFEREE Representing Kobra Kai, LANCE's opponent: SKRAAD SKRAAD, the punk guy, starts growling. The audience hates him. All the other Kobra Kai punks are all like licking each other and cheering him on. LANCE and SKRAAD step up and stare each other down, the REFEREE tries to get between them. REFEREE Okay, no killing each other - this is supposed to be an official competition. Neither of them are listening. The REFEREE separates them. REFEREE Okay. Begin! LANCE totally knocks SKRAAD down in one shot. SKRAAD gets up and they keep fighting. SKRAAD is losing, but then takes off his belt, which is a chain, and starts swinging it. DWAYNE Hey, that's a weapon. REFEREE It's part of his uniform, so it's allowed. DWAYNE turns to SENSAI. DWAYNE That's cheating. SENSAI nods wisely. LANCE dodges the chain and kicks SKRAAD's ass and strangles him unconscious with his own chain belt. The REFEREE holds LANCE's hand up. REFEREE The winner. The audience cheers. The kid who was crying is happy now like someone gave him ice cream or something. The Kobra Kai punks are all pissed. LANCE returns to his corner where DWAYNE, SENSAI, and GIRLFRIEND are there to congratulate them. LANCE is all cool and stuff. DWAYNE Alright, we're in the semi-finals. You did awesome. SENSAI nods wisely. GIRLFRIEND Yeah, that was really good. I wish I could do a news report on you right now, but the PRESIDENT is in town and I have to interview him. See ya guys later. LANCE Wait. I think I earned this. Gives GIRLFRIEND an open mouth kiss. DWAYNE Hey, yeah. Me too. Frenches GIRLFRIEND when LANCE is done. CUT TO: INT. LOCKER ROOM - MORNING LANCE and DWAYNE are fucking GIRLFRIEND. DWAYNE does her doggy style while she sucks off LANCE. A bunch of karate fighters walk in. BOLO Hey fags. Guess who's going to lose in the semi-finals: (points) You. The karate fighters laugh at LANCE and DWAYNE, who just try to ignore the bullies. BOLO My dad raped your dad. DWAYNE can't take it anymore. LANCE tries to hold him back. DWAYNE Shut up - you're lying. My dad died in Vietnam banging my mom. BOLO Yeah, and my dad raped him just before he died. LANCE Hey, don't talk about our father. BOLO Oh yeah, I forgot, you guys are brothers. How come one of you is white then? Is you mom's cunt like half white and half chinese or something? LANCE STFU, okay. BOLO Or does her cunt make chinese babies and her ass make white babies? DWAYNE Just stop being such a dick, okay? BOLO Oh, I'll be a dick. And you'll be an ass, and I'm going to stick me into you. My dad raped your dad, just like I'm going to rape you (beat) ... in the ring. BOLO and the karate guys leave. GIRLFRIEND Don't listen to him guys. He gooses little boys and has a small dick. I saw him. And I saw his small dick. Unlike you guys, who have big dicks, especially for a mongoloid and a paleface pigfucker. (Checks her watch.) Oh, I'm late for the PRESIDENT interview. I'll see you guys later. GIRLFRIEND leaves. DWAYNE Hey Lance, I know we're brothers and friends and stuff. But if we face each other in the finals, we owe it to each other to fight each other for real. LANCE (still pissed from BOLO) Don't worry. I'll kick your ass for you. We may be brothers, but that doesn't mean we're friends. LANCE leaves and DWAYNE looks all sad and stuff. EXT. SECURITY CHECKPOINT - MORNING There's a big line-up for people who want to see the president. There's a face-scanning machine at the security checkpoint. Some mexican-looking guy steps up to the machine from his place in the line. The machine scans him and feeds data to a computer being attended by a security fag. The computer analyses a screen-cap of the guy's face and reads out "NOT TERRORIST" over the image. The guy is allowed to proceed. As soon as he is past the checkpoint, his face morphs into someone else. INT. SOME HIGH SCHOOL GYM - MORNING MONTAGE: LANCE and DWAYNE kicking everyone's ass. They fight all these weird guys like a sumo wrestler with a beard, and a black guy who fights with a basketball, and a hindoo guy who takes off his turban and uses his hair to strangle people, and some little colored guy who acts and fights like a monkey, and some dude in kung fu pajamas who does Blizzard Kung Fu and kills some guy with a backbreaker. The kung fu guy then gives LANCE and DWAYNE the finger after killing his opponent, but LANCE beats him. One-by-one, everyone makes threatening gestures to LANCE and DWAYNE like drawing their fingers across their throat or punching their fist into their hand and stuff. One-by-one LANCE and DWAYNE kick all their asses. DWAYNE is finally up against BOLO. They fight and DWAYNE wins. DWAYNE Yeah. BOLO is pissed, and considers attacking DWAYNE again after the match is over, but knows he'll just lose, so he goes away. EXT. SECURITY CHECKPOINT - MORNING A secret service agent checks his watch and then scans the environment. He turns his head one way and sees nothing, but when he turns it the other way he sees a face of some mexican mooslem in the reflective tip of his spook sunglasses. The dude behind him grabs him and cuts out his throat with a box cutter. The agent wheezes horribly as his blood splashes onto the concrete below him. The other agents stand by, watching, yet remain motionless. The dying agent crawls around on the floor and lays down on his stomach. The guy who killed him morphs his face and takes the agent's shape. INT. SOME HIGH SCHOOL GYM - MORNING DWAYNE and LANCE are victorious and are both standing on the gold medal podium, holding up trophies. They have gold medals. DWAYNE is happy. LANCE looks pissed. SENSAI stands by and nods wisely. DWAYNE SENSAI, how did we do? SENSAI You guys are very good at kicking ass, but you are yet to learn that there is more to being an awesome fighter than just kicking ass. I must go now. Enjoy your victory and remember that you are not only training partners, but brothers. If you want to improve, not only as fighters, but as leaders, you must also learn to respect and value each other - because it is from the other that you will learn the most valuable lessons about yourself. SENSAI nods wisely and leaves. DWAYNE and LANCE look at each other, LANCE is still pissed. EXT. SOME HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING LANCE and DWAYNE are walking around outside the school. LANCE is trying to walk fast and DWAYNE struggles to keep up, but remains determined to do so. LANCE eventually slows down a bit. He is silent for awhile. LANCE I don't get it. What does he mean about all that stuff about kick-ass fighters being able to do more than just kick-ass? DWAYNE I don't know - he's weird like that sometimes. Hey, lets play Guitar Hero. LANCE Guitars are for dorks. Name one cool person who plays the guitar. DWAYNE John Stamos. LANCE John Stamos is a dickweed. DWAYNE No way, man. DWAYNE spots GIRLFRIEND. DWAYNE Hey look! Our GIRLFRIEND is interviewing the PRESIDENT. LANCE AND DWAYNE (together.) Yo, GIRLFRIEND! GIRLFRIEND Hey, guys! She waves to them and turns back to the president. GIRLFRIEND So mister president, what are your plans about the dangerous millionaire terrorist Osama BIN LADEN, and his gang of terrorist ninjas, Al-Quada, who have recently escaped from jail? And what is his role in the greenhouse effect? PRESIDENT Oh, I don't think old BIN LADEN will be a problem. GIRLFRIEND How can you be so sure? PRESIDENT Lets just say (some dorky line meant to back up his claim) BIN LADEN (offscreen) (Some witty pun that undercuts the president's line.) (EDIT) STUFF GOES HERE OMFG! IT"S BIN LADEN! He's wearing a metal turban and a polymer battle-suit. Standing behind him are the fake secret service agents. Agents surround the PRESIDENT and GIRLFRIEND. The PRESIDENT punches one out but there's too many of them and they all grab him by the arms and legs and pick him up off the ground. A helicopter touches down. LANCE Hey! That guy is stealing the PRESIDENT! DWAYNE And our GIRLFRIEND! BIN LADEN laughs as the helicopter, with the PRESIDENT and GIRLFRIEND in it, begins taking off. BIN LADEN backflips into the helicopter as it lifts off. The GIRLFRIEND sticks her head out of the door and yells for help, but the fake agents pull her back in. LANCE and DWAYNE go to a parked bus. The door opens and they enter the bus. DWAYNE (to the driver) Dude, we need the bus. LANCE knocks out the bus driver with a front kick and takes his place at the driver's seat. He starts driving the bus, trying to follow after the helicopter. EXT. TRANSIT - CONTINUOUS BIN LADEN exits the cockpit and hangs upsidedown from the helicopter's landing skids by his legs. He has a rocket launcher. LANCE weaves the bus through traffic, dodging rockets that BIN LADEN fires at him. DWAYNE (to passengers) Does anyone here have a gun or something? YEUNG Yo, I've got a sort of gun. He takes out a Tesla Magnetic Pulse Rifle (TMPR). YEUNG I'm a physics grad student and part of my master's thesis is to make this electro-cannon. DWAYNE That'll do. DWAYNE takes the TMPR, cracks a window and leans out of it. He returns fire. LANCE Don't hit the PRESIDENT! DWAYNE Don't worry, I'm aiming for the turban-guy. The helicopter picks up speed and makes some distance between itself and the bus. All these exploding suicide cars start veering off the road and try to ram the bus. DWAYNE takes them out with the TMPR and they blow up. The chase continues to the World Trade Center. EXT. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 2, ROOF - AROUND 8:30 AM The helicopter lands on the roof of one of the towers. BIN LADEN gets out. Fake agents and terrorist ninjas move the PRESIDENT and GIRLFRIEND out of the helicopter and into an Al Quada hover-battle-cruiser that is waiting for them on the roof. I/E. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 2, GROUND - AROUND 8:30 AM LANCE drives the bus through a line of terrorist cars protecting the building. LANCE and DWAYNE disembark and start fighting their way into and up the tower. All these terrorists come out of nowhere and join in the fight, but LANCE and DWAYNE beat them up and keep moving. EXT. SKIES ABOVE NY - AROUND 8:40 AM A high-jacked jet plane starts heading toward the WTC. INT. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 2 - AROUND 8:40 AM LANCE and DWAYNE fight their way up the tower. All these terrorists are like jumping out of everywhere. LANCE smashes one into a Coke machine and all these pop cans come out of it, then he hits another one with a pop can and takes a drink from it. The fighting continues. SLO-MO SHOT as one terrorist does a sidekick and LANCE blocks it while the jet plane can be seen smashing into WTC # 1 in the window behind them. The fighting continues. Some of the terrorists are throwing computer monitors, chairs, and grenades. Others are wielding keyboards, nunchucks, mops, fire extinguishers, and other stuff, but LANCE and DWAYNE kick their asses. EXT. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 2, ROOF - AROUND 8:50 AM The hover-battle-cruiser is powering up. The PRESIDENT and GIRLFRIEND are tied up inside it. The helicopter takes off. BIN LADEN remains on the rooftop. BIN LADEN You go. Those karate guys are still chasing us - I'm going to stay behind and slow them down a bit. TERRORIST NINJA But, the attack has already begun -- BIN LADEN I know! Don't worry. We can't have those two meddling in our plans. PRESIDENT You scumbag. I knew you couldn't be trusted. They'll never make you the king. What ever your planning, it won't work. BIN LADEN snaps his fingers and one of the terrorist ninjas pulls down his pants and starts fucking the PRESIDENT in the face. PRESIDENT Ug. Uh. You'll suck cock for this, BIN FAGGOT! BIN LADEN We'll all be sucking cock soon enough. Sucking the cock -- OF DEATH. BIN LADEN starts laughing. INT. WORLD TRADE CENTER #2 - AROUND 8:50 AM LANCE and DWAYNE keep fighting. They fight everywhere: in offices, in hallways, in bathrooms, in an elevator. At each floor the elevator stops and more terrorists get in, and LANCE and DWAYNE beat them up. EXT. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 2 - 9:03 AM A jet plane smashes into WTC2. LOL. INT. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 2 - CONTINUOUS The building rumbles. Smoke is everywhere and the fire alarms go off and stuff. The elevator stops working, so LANCE and DWAYNE have to use the stairs and all these terrorists come and they all start fighting on the stairs. They find all these stashes of grenades as they work their way up the tower. Eventually LANCE and DWAYNE get to one of the top floors and everything is completely empty. All the terrorists are either beaten up or are evacuating. The elevator door opens up and BIN LADEN is standing there, waiting. LANCE YOU! DWAYNE Give back the PRESIDENT and our GIRLFRIEND or we're going to beat you up. BIN LADEN I don't think so. In fact, it is I who is going to be the one to beat you up. DWAYNE Then bring it on, balls-face. They have a grenade fight. Then they run out of grenades and BIN LADEN pulls out an AK-47 and starts shooting at LANCE and DWAYNE and starts chasing them around. EXT. WORLD TRADE CENTER, ROOF - AROUND 9:30 AM The Al-Quada hover-battle-cruiser, with the PRESIDENT and GIRLFRIEND in it, takes off and begins to fly away. INT. WORLD TRADE CENTER - CONTINUOUS The battle-cruiser can be seen flying away in one of the windows. DWAYNE sees the cruiser and jumps through the window after it. EXT. WORLD TRADE CENTER - CONTINUOUS DWAYNE is surfing on the battle-cruiser. It tries to lose him, but he's pretty good. He almost gets to the cockpit, but the cruiser does a barrel roll and he flies off and goes through the window of the other tower. INT. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 1 - CONTINUOUS DWAYNE lands in one of the rooms. INT. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 2 - AROUND 9:50 AM LANCE sneaks up close to BIN LADEN and grabs the gun. The gun is deactivated and they start fighting hand-to-hand. BIN LADEN hurts and stuns LANCE a bit and heads over to a window, where he sees DWAYNE in the other building. They make eye contact. DWAYNE and BIN LADEN both start running towards each other. I/E. WORLD TRADE CENTER - 9:57 AM DWAYNE and BIN LADEN jump at each other through the windows, shattering the glass when they go through them. They fly to each other and exchange blows in mid-air. They fly past each other and land in the building opposite the one that they each took off from. BIN LADEN stands by the window in WTC # 1 and laughs. LANCE and DWAYNE stand in WTC # 2 looking out the window. EXT. WORLD TRADE CENTER, GROUND - 9:58 AM YEUNG, on the street below, looks up and yells. YEUNG Hey guys! My calculations indicate that the structural integrity of the building you're in isn't enough to withstand the effects of the fire. The tower is going to collapse! I/E. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 2 - 9:59 AM LANCE AND DWAYNE (together.) SHIT! DWAYNE FUCK! BALLS! They run together and jump out of WTC2 as it collapses. They strike a jump-sidekick pose as they fly through the air from WTC2 to WTC1. They double jumpkick BIN LADEN when they reach the other side. INT. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 1 - 10:00 AM They fight. BIN LADEN is real tough and is taking both of them at once and he's doing all these Tae Kwon Do kicks and stuff. They're all getting tired. BIN LADEN presses a button on his cellphone. EXT. WORLD TRADE CENTER - AROUND 10:20 AM BIN LADEN's custom star-and-crescent-shaped Al Quada Battle Cruiser wakes up and starts flying toward WTC1. INT. WORLD TRADE CENTER # 1 - AROUND 10:20 AM BIN LADEN You're pretty good, but not good enough to beat me yet. But you may be the only ones kick ass enough to stop my plans and I can't have you following me around and fucking everything up. His turban unfolds like a blooming flower and his Cancer Ray deploys from it. BIN LADEN After I shoot you with my Cancer Gun, you guys will be too sick and dying with cancer to even think about following me and saving your GIRLFRIEND, who I'll be fucking, or the PRESIDENT, who I'll also be fucking. He shoots them with the Cancer Gun, but electro-field from their karate medals cause interference and everything starts glowing and lasers are shooting out of everything and stuff. All this special effects stuff happens and LANCE and DWAYNE get turned into frogs. BIN LADEN is all like WTF. LANCE and DWAYNE are shocked and awed. DWAYNE Dude! We're frogs. BIN LADEN turns around, jumps through the window, shattering through the glass, does a flip and lands in his Bin Laden Battle Cruiser. Then he flies away. LANCE and DWAYNE are still stunned by their transformation. DWAYNE Let's get out of here - this place is going to blow. EXT. WORLD TRADE CENTER - 9:28 AM WTC1 collapses. LANCE and DWAYNE surf down the falling rubble on slabs of concrete as the building disintegrates. They safely land on the street below. EXT. GROUND ZERO - MOMENTS LATER The dust clears. LANCE and DWYANE, the Battle Frogs, orient themselves. They look at the destruction around them. They conceive and recite a poem on the spot: (poem here) FADE TO BLACK. INT. CHIEF OF POLICE'S OFFICE - DAY LANCE, DWYANE, and YEUNG are sitting in the office, waiting for the CHIEF OF POLICE. DWAYNE Hey man. That electro-gun of yours worked pretty good. Maybe you can like build gadgets for us. YEUNG Yeah, okay, sure. LANCE Why did his cancer gun turn us into frogs? YEUNG A lot of cancer research is done on Xenopus Laevis, a frog. Maybe the gun caused your DNA to undergo a polymerase chain reaction with frog DNA on the gun. DWAYNE Enough with all the science stuff, just tell us how to get our girlfriend back. The CHIEF OF POLICE enters. CHIEF I heard that you guys are karate champions, and are frogs. We're looking for some cool guys like you to do secret agent stuff for us. DWAYNE Tubular! LANCE Okay. CHIEF holds up CD. CHIEF Bin Laden sent this video making fun of us: He puts the CD into a VCR. It plays: The video shows the PRESIDENT and GIRLFRIEND kneeling on the ground at gun point. All these terrorist ninjas are standing behind them. On the wall is a banner with all these squiggles on it. BIN LADEN sits in the foreground on a cushion or a rock or something. They're in a cave or something. BIN LADEN I have your president and some guys' girlfriend hostage. If you don't declare me the new king of Saudi Arabia, I'll kill them both. Balls! Video ends. CHIEF It was uploaded to the Al-Quada LiveJournal yesterday. We've been monitoring it for clues as to his whereabouts, but so far we've found nothing. He sits down behind his desk and leans in close to the Battle Frogs. CHIEF Our strict policy is not to negotiate with space-pirate terrorists. I'm afraid there's nothing we can do for your GIRLFRIEND, or the PRESIDENT. DWAYNE No way, man. LANCE Come on, there has got to be something you can do. CHIEF Even if we were willing to compromise, we can't make him the new king of Saudi Arabia. That's where the world's fossil fuels come from and if he's king he won't give us any and then our country won't be able to have the excesses required to make awesome stuff like music videos, space ships, or video games. Or at least they would really suck if we did. Everyone would have to drive little gay japanese cars and stuff. Life without dignity isn't life at all. We must all sacrifice if we are to keep our freedoms secure. LANCE Yeah, well we got the freedom to try to get them back. You may not be able to do anything about it. But our SENSAI always taught us that if we do what he tells us, we can do anything. DWAYNE Yeah, anything. Even save the president, which is what he would tell us to do if he was here right now. We can do it, especially now that we're frogs - that probably makes us even stronger. LANCE I think we should keep our freedom, and not sacrifice anything. All we have to do is work hard and kick everyone's ass, just like how we won the karate tournament. CHIEF Still, we don't know where BIN LADEN is hiding. You guys will have to find out where he is if you want to save the president. DWAYNE We'll find him. CHIEF Well, before you go, there's something I need to give you. From behind his desk he holds up two giant ninja stars. CHIEF I knew your father very well. Before he died, he gave me something, and now that you guys are frogs, I think that you should have it. DWAYNE Whoa, they're giant ninja stars. CHIEF Not only that: they're surfboards. Your dad was an avid surfer and these were his favorite boards. You can use them to surf anything - even an ocean, even a tsunami. YEUNG Let me take them for awhile - I can use science to modify the blades and make them more aerodynamic. That will allow you to gain lift when you spin. They'll let you fly while surfing. DWAYNE Sweet! LANCE Yeah, that would be cool. They high-five. MONTAGE: All this hot 80's music is playing. The battle frogs are sticking up flyers around town requesting information about BIN LADEN's hideout location, walking through the streets questioning people, chasing down and beating up guys that look like terrorists. LANCE is straddling some moosleum looking guy and grabbing him by the collar - LANCE looks over to DWAYNE and shakes his head: it's not BIN LADEN. Yeung is working hard with a plasma torch, modifying the ninja-star surf-boards. The tempo picks up - LANCE and DWAYNE are training hard in their dojo, and working out and stuff. Then all this smooth saxophone music is playing while LANCE and DWAYNE are in the shower and they start making out with each other. EXT. SURREY CENTRAL STATION - DAY The Battle Frogs are walking through the streets, sticking up "MISSING PRESIDENT" flyers, and are affronted by a gang of clowns. The clowns got all this bondage gear and cowboy clothing and stuff. Leather chaps, cowboy hats, ball gags, riding boots - they're cowboy BDSM clowns. CLOWN GANG LEADER We're the Haw-Haw Gang! So you're the guys who are trying to save the president, eh? We hate that president - he killed our gang leader … and my father. FADE TO: FLASHBACK (to a time when we were young) EXT. ORCHARD - DAY The president and the old leader of the haw-haw gang, a thin wiry man with many years of experience on his painted brow, face each other in an orchard in spring. OLD CLOWN GANG LEADER Clown son, come. He turns toward his son and kneels to his level as he approaches. OLD CLOWN GANG LEADER I'm not going to be around forever, so I want you to know that when I'm gone, it'll be up to you to take care of your mother and brothers. CLOWN SON What about the dog? OLD CLOWN GANG LEADER You may have to eat him. I hope you have the strength. No go! CLOWN SON Paw-paw, Haw-haw! OLD CLOWN GANG LEADER Go! Clown son runs away and hides behind tree, where he watches from behind it. Paw-paw Haw-haw turns back to the president. They both draw their swords. They charge toward each other, take to the air and cross swords in midair, in true ninja style. They both land in a low crouch and remain still for a moment. Paw-paw Haw-haw keels over and the president re sheaths his weapon. CLOWN SON watches. END FLASHBACK (to when we could do no wrong) FADE TO: I/E. SURREY CENTRAL STATION - DAY Fade back to the clown son as an adult, as the new gang leader. CLOWN GANG LEADER Now git em! They have this big fight. The clown leader stands there watching. The clowns are all like freaks and have chains and stuff. SKRAAD shows up wearing clown gear. SKRAAD (yelling.) Remember me? LANCE punches him. A crowd starts forming and they begin cheering on the Battle Frogs. The clowns have all these weird clown weapons. One is juggling knives and throwing them at LANCE and DWAYNE. One of them is on a unicycle and stuff. The clowns lasso LANCE and DWAYNE together with colored clown bondage rope, but they bust out and keep kicking ass. The fight goes through the bus station and up the escalator to the SkyTrain waiting area. A SkyTrain stops and more clowns and punks and goths and cowboys and bondage people come out and join the fight. There's even a bald chick with spiky bracers and a nose ring. There's also some goth grim-reaper with a cape and a scythe. Alot of mohawks and mohawk variants, and alot of dyed hair and piercings, and alot of semi-naked people. The fight moves into the SkyTrain. All these hobos and weird people join in the fight. There's some fat guy with a diaper, and tranny with a beard and metal gloves, and someone in a Mr. T gorilla costume, and someone dressed like a sissy pink Spiderman, and a bunch of zombies - it's like Halloween or something. Finally, all the freaks are beaten up, and only the leader of the Haw-Haw Gang remains. He's fat and looks like a Juggalo. He takes off his cowboy hat, loosens his suspenders, and adjusts his codpiece. They have a fight. Battle Frogs win. Triangle Man. The leader of the Haw-Haw Gang lays on the floor in a SkyTrain terminal, dying. LANCE Tell me where the president is. CLOWN GANG LEADER Ug, Paw-paw Haw-haw, I'm-a-comin. LANCE Shut up and tell me where the president is. CLOWN GANG LEADER Ma-ma Haw-haw. Look at what they did to your little boy. Look -- He dies. LANCE checks CLOWN SON's body and finds an AIDS pamphlet. DWAYNE What's that? LANCE It's an AIDS pamphlet. We'd better get this to the chief of police. INT. CHIEF OF POLICE'S OFFICE - DAY LANCE, DWAYNE are sitting at the CHIEF's desk as he looks over the pamphlet. CHIEF Hmmm.... He had an AIDS pamphlet on him. That means that BIN LADEN is hiding in a place with lots of AIDS. DWAYNE Africa! CHIEF We've got nothing to prove it, though. LANCE It doesn't matter - we've got to follow any lead we have. We never know which one may be the right one. CHIEF Okay. We have an agency in Africa that is looking for some cool frog dudes like you. I'll get you in touch. And I'll request a plane for you, immediately. LANCE No time. With every minute, BIN LADEN gets further away and his trails fades. We'll just surf there on our ninja stars. EXT. AFRICA - DAY The CHIEF's words are heard while scenes from Africa are being shown: CHIEF (V.O.) Watch out. Africa is dangerous. It has snakes and stuff. And the people that live there are all hardcore and are cannibals. All this shit's exploding. Kids are running around shooting grenades at each other and getting exploded by landmines. All these tribesmen are running around wearing loincloths and war paint. They have assault rifles and are running around shooting stuff and having machete duels. CHIEF (V.O.) I heard that there's some witch doctor who used his magic to make AIDS and that's where AIDS came from and if he dies, all the AIDS dies with him. But you can't kill him until his magic has been destroyed. Some witchdoctor is going around with a bunch of hyenas on chains. He sics his hyenas on people and rips out some guy's heart and eats it and then yells at the sky. EXT. ATLANTIC OCEAN - DAY The Battle Frogs are surfing on their ninja stars. CHIEF (V.O.) Godspeed, Battle Frogs, and may you kick lots of ass. Ninja terrorists jump out of the water and zip by on skidoos and hang-glide in throwing bombs and they have swords and stuff. One of them even comes in riding a great white shark. Blood fills up the water from all the dead terrorists and these hammerhead sharks come and start chasing after the Battle Frogs and eat all the beat-up terrorists. The frogs spin around on their ninja stars and decapitate some of the ninja terrorists and then they feed the sharkrider to his own shark. LANCE uppercuts the great white shark into the air and DWAYNE does a back flip and cuts it in half with a flash kick. Then DWAYNE starts rocking out with his sweet electric guitar. Dark clouds begin to roll in. LANCE Why'd you bring the guitar? That's so lame. DWAYNE No way, man. I got to keep practicing if I'm going to get awesome at it. More terrorists come in boats and get beaten up. DWAYNE hits a few of them with his guitar. Almost all the terrorist ninjas are dead and those that aren't begin to back off. It is almost quiet for a moment as a storm is seen building in the horizon. Out of the water emerges the Al-Quada secret weapon: a mega sized squid with all these lasers and chainsaws, and tasers, and missiles, and weapons built into its tentacles. Riding atop the cyber-mega-squid is a terrorist ninja who is controlling the squid with a brain-interface device wired into the squid's executive neural circuitry. LANCE and DWAYNE start fighting it. The typhoon brewing in the distance touches down. Wind speeds pick up as the storm begins to sweep through the area. The cyber-mega-squid kicks on its rocket boosters and the battle takes to the air as everyone is sucked into the typhoon. While spinning, all of the squid's tentacles get all splayed out by centripetal force - it looks funny. The Battle Frogs surf through the cyclone as the squid shoots rockets and lasers at them. They use their boards to deflect the lasers back at the squid and its rider. The rider gets killed, but even without the rider the squid is stuck in emergency mode and keeps fighting. LANCE and DWAYNE get in close and block all the chainsaws and stuff with their surfboards. DWAYNE gets caught by one of the squid's electro tentacles and it starts electrocuting him, but LANCE chops off the tentacle with his ninja-star-surfboard, freeing DWAYNE. They have a totally intense battle and DWAYNE manages to wire his electric guitar into the squid's brain and starts playing a guitar solo and the squid explodes from the awesome. Then the storm gets real bad and everything starts spinning around and getting screwed up. FADE TO BLACK. INT. BIN LADEN'S AFRICA BASE - DAY The base is like in the basement of some sort of government building. All these terrorist ninja goons are carrying boxes that say things like GENETICS TECHNOLOGY and SCIENCE MACHINE. The PRESIDENT is all tied up and stuff. BIN LADEN walks around him. PRESIDENT BIN LADEN! BIN LADEN That's my name, don't wear it out. PRESIDENT Your wicked plans will never work. Freedom will prevail. BIN LADEN (stuff goes here. Big speech. Oooh revelation. Bin Laden's view is that America's debt has become too large to pay, so their plan is to take over their creditors. They intend to invade Saudi, but are first knocking down all the nations that would come to Saudi's defense in the case of a complete take over. After seizing the nation, the US would be free of its debt and would have control over the world's largest energy reserve. Bin laden sees it as his job to stop that from happening.) BIN LADEN gestures to his goons. They grab the president. BIN LADEN The crown will be mine! Take him to the rape room! PRESIDENT Nooooooooo! INT. AFRICA, POLICE HEADQUARTER - DAY The Battle Frogs are standing before the chief of Africa's police. CHIEF OF AFRICAN POLICE Battle Frogs, we have a very special mission for you. It's about AIDS. Now we all know that AIDS is funny. LANCE Haha, AIDS. DWAYNE LOL. COAP But it stopped being funny for me when my mom got it and died. That's why I chose you two. Because you're frogs and don't get AIDS. And because you kick ass. DWAYNE Tubular! COAP As you know, nothing cures AIDS. Not even gold. The only way to stop it is by killing all the people who got it. We tried pouring millions of dollars into HIV research but all scientists ever do is study tiny worms and make up words that don't make sense. How the hell can you learn anything like that? I'm a person not a worm. So we're showing them how to do it right. That and we want to kill all the black people. LANCE Okay. COAP There's also another mission: one of Bin Laden's operatives is in Africa, find him and get the location of Bin Laden's hideout from him. DWAYNE We're on the case. I/E. AFRICA, WAR TORN CITY/WORTHLESS FARMLAND - AFTERNOON The flaming ruins of some suburb can be seen in the background. There's no grass, only dirt. There are roads, but they're ridiculously shitty and unusable. Some retarded guy in an army costume is standing by a burning hummer and yelling at some afican kid, pointing an M-16 at the niglet threateningly. ARMY REDNECK Stop throwing rocks at my hummer you little shit-ass-head. Back in high school I was a football player, so I can kick you ass, okay. And I got this gun, so I can shoot you too. The kid doesn't know how to talk so he sits there looking all goofy while the peckerwood yaps. Then the kid's friend whips out a kalashnikov and shoots the american guy in the face. The peckerwood starts crying and wheezing and crawling around on the ground and then the kid starts raping him in the ass and giving him AIDS while he wheezes and cries like a big fucking baby that got his face shot off. The Battle Frogs arrive on their ninja star surfboards and start killing everyone. They decapitate the kid with the AK as they touch down. YEUNG calls them on their cellphone watches. YEUNG (on video-cellphone- watch.) Watch out for landmines! Africa has lots of landmines. DWAYNE Thanks, dude. All these black guys in 20-year-old Addidas T-shirts come at them with machetes. The Battle Frogs beat them up and throw them on to land-mines and they explode. Then a jeep drives by with all these people busting caps at them. The whole city just turns into a big fight. The whole place is on fire and everything is blowing up and all these lions come and start eating all the injured africans, then they attack the Battle Frogs but they uppercut the lions and lions are exploded by the uppercuts. Then the witchdoctor shows up with some tribesmen. All the tribe guys starts dancing and the witch doctor starts yelling all this gibberish stuff. Then the dead black guys come back to life as zombies. YEUNG (on video-cellphone- watch.) The AIDS, it's undergoing a mutation. They're becoming zombies. I/E. AFRICA, WAR TORN CITY/WORTHLESS FARMLAND - NIGHTFALL The sun sets. Everything's all scary and stuff and the Battle Frogs run around and take cover in a building, but the nigger zombies are breaking in so LANCE and DWAYNE start blowing them up with rocket launchers and stuff. Then the dead lions start waking up as zombies and join in. The Battle Frogs try to barricade the building with whatever junk is lying around. They desperately try to keep the zombie niggers out, blowing away the few that manage to break through. INT. AFRICA, WAREHOUSE - NIGHT Half a dozen super zombies sneak into the building and they have a big fight with the Battle Frogs. The zombies are like doing caporeira or break-dancer fighting or something. During the fight a crate of rocket launchers is opened up and everyone grabs one and starts doing like kung-fu with the rocket launchers and stuff. They're using the rocket launchers like bo staffs and are standing on top of crates and jousting like on American Gladiators. One of the Battle Frogs does this wicked Monkey staff move, like a vaulting backflip or spinkick or something, and follows it up by firing a rocket and blowing up a zombie. Once they kill all the super zombies, the witch doctor appears before them as an apparition. They shoot stuff at him but he's all see-though like a ghost or something. He starts doing all this scary ooga-booga stuff. YEUNG (on video-cellphone watch.) This isn't good. My calculations indicate that he's like casting some kind of death spell. You got to stop him. LANCE But how? DWYANE whips out his axe. DWAYNE Dude, I'm going to play a solo that will be so awesome that it will summon the ghosts of Alice Cooper, Ghengis Khan, and Adolf Hitler to protect us. DWYANE starts wailing and all these ghosts of heroes, warriors, and rockstars rise from the grave and carry the witch doctor away. WITCH DOCTOR I'll be back, mo-jumbo! You haven't beaten me. MO-JUMBO! His call echoes through the empty building as the morning light begins to shine in between the cracks in the boarded up windows. FADE TO BLACK. INT. BIN LADEN'S AFRICA BASE, RAPE ROOM - DAY The PRESIDENT is all tied up and stuff. BIN LADEN is in there with him. BIN LADEN So, I've just negotiated with the Saudi royalty. They've agreed to give me the country in exchange for letting you live. So I'll keep my end of the bargain and leave you behind while I relocate to my secreter base. But, before we leave, I'd like to give it to you one more time, for old time's sake. BIN LADEN removes the codpeice on his battlesuit. The camera can't see BIN LADEN's cock, but the look on the PRESIDENT's face is that of unearthly horror - the cock is unlike anything nature has produced. SLO-MO shot of BIN LADEN skullfucking the PRESIDENT. I/E. AFRICAN SCHOOL - DAY African kids sitting in a crummy school. They're only learning ABC's. The Battle Frogs walk by, still sore and tired from their battle. The kids see the Battle Frogs and runs over to them and crowd around them. The kids are all laughing and are happy because the frogs are there. DWAYNE Look, they're not fighting or giving each other AIDS. I guess not all africans are bad. LANCE Yeah, it looks like they're trying to learn stuff. The TEACHER comes to them. TEACHER Thank you for scaring off the witch doctor. He brings us nothing but misery. LANCE AND DWAYNE (together, in shock.) Wow! You can talk! TEACHER Yes. I learnt in american school. Here, come walk with me and I'll tell you more. She walks off with the frogs and the kids all run off and play and stuff. EXT. AFRICA - DAY The TEACHER and the Battle Frogs are walking around in the savana, chatting. TEACHER Thank you for killing all those people. You see, in africa we have too many people, that's why we need heroes like you to regulate our numbers. LANCE Why can't you do that yourselves? TEACHER We try. But AIDS keeps stealing all our money and makes us too weak to kill ourselves fast enough. We spend too much of our time being sick and hungry instead of being free and working hard. We can't buy AIDS medicine because BIN LADEN bought all the AIDS medicine factories and uses them for his own evil genetic experiments. LANCE Wait! You know where BIN LADEN is? TEACHER I don't. But the witch doctor does. The witch doctor is the best fighter in Bin Laden's underground kickboxing ring. He's close associates with Bin Laden and has more information about his criminal operations. Don't try to fight him, though - his magic is too strong. Kicking his physical ass isn't enough to beat him. You must be able to do more than just kick his ass. LANCE Hey! We can kick anything's ass. DWAYNE Yeah. We're the battle frogs. Check out these pythons. DWAYNE flexes his muscle. LANCE pushes him out of the way and starts flexing his muscles. They both start bickering. Bickering turns to wrestling, wrestling turns to cuddling, cuddling turns to making out. They have a threesome. FADE OUT. EXT. AFRICAN SCHOOL - DAY Some african kids are dancing in a circle. They're all doing hip hop and stuff. The battle frogs are doing some training drills. They're using trees as punching bags and are practicing all their kicks and stuff. LANCE Hey, that electric guitar stuff you do isn't so bad. I'm starting to think that - like - maybe just because something isn't all about directly kicking someone's ass, it isn't necessarily useless. DWAYNE Yeah. It's fun to rock out from time to time. It sucks to be acting all hard all the time like you do. You should just relax and let your inner awesome out. LANCE I'm starting to regret not learning how to do something cool. I spent all my extra time dedicated only to learning how to kick ass. But now that I'm already the best at kicking ass, I should learn how to do other stuff so I can combine all my ass kicking ability with other cool skills that don't necessarily involve the direct kicking of ass. So I can learn to unleash my inner awesome, so that I can become a great champion and a leader, so I can be good at everything instead of just being awesome at one thing. DWAYNE Hey, it's not too late. DWAYNE gestures to the kids practicing hip hop funk dancing. LANCE nods approvingly. MONTAGE: All this old school rap music is playing as the kids are teaching LANCE how to be all gangster and stuff. They got him MCing and breakdancing and making graffiti and stuff. LANCE is fighting in underground steetfighting tournaments and is doing all these crazy breakdance moves. LANCE is working out ghetto-style and is pumping up by lifting cans filled with concrete and car parts. He's got a gun and is shooting up some black dudes, but he's holding the gun like some fag inbred cake-eater sub-urban cop - one of the kids comes and corrects him and shows him how to hold the gun gangster style. Soon he's doing drive-bys like pro and is gunning people down in the street like a sawed-off shotgun ninja. INT. AFRICAN GAYBAR/AL-QUADA ISLAMIC SCHOOL - DAY Battle Frogs walk into a gay bar/al-quada islamic school. There's all these babes in cages and stuff and fat dudes raping little kids and stuff. There's all these guys teaching people how to be terrorists. There's a ring in the center of the room and all these people are kickboxing in it. The witch doctor is kicking two people's asses at once. One guy almost hits the witch doctor, but the witch doctor spits poison powder in the guy's face and blinds him and then rips his heart out. The heart keeps beating and the witch doctor drinks the blood out of it. Some BIG GUY bumps into LANCE and starts screaming at him in ooga-booga language. The bar-tender points to the ring and yells. So the BIG GUY goes into the ring and calls to LANCE. LANCE is pushed to the ring by the crowd and everyone starts taking bets. Everyone is betting against LANCE and booing him as he gets into the ring. One person bets for LANCE: the witch doctor, who looks at him and laughs and is all creepy and stuff. So LANCE is in the ring and the referee, some old wrinkly guy with no teeth, is distracting LANCE while the BIG GUY sucker punches him. Then it's on. The BIG GUY is really tough, but LANCE starts doing all these crazy breakdancing power moves and is like moving in all these funky ways and totally kicks the BIG GUY's ass. After rocking the BIG GUY everyone is all booing and stuff. The witch doctor laughs and disappears. EXT. AFRICAN SCHOOL - NIGHT LANCE and DWAYNE return to the school and see a note on the door … written in blood. DWAYNE Dude, it's written in blood. LANCE Oh no. It says that they've kidnapped the teacher and the kids and that they're going to kill them unless we fight in the big kickboxing tournament. DWAYNE But they fight to the death in that tournament. LANCE Well, then we're going to have to train ... (beat) ... To the death! Montage of the frogs training while some cheezy 80's music plays (maybe a song with a name like Battle Ninja Death or Fight to the Limit or something.) They're all doing all this hardcore afican training like wrestling with lions and tigers and surfing on crocodiles and stuff, or like doing chin-ups on a giraffe's dick or something. Then they chillax by raping some transvestite hobos and fat women. INT. AFRICAN GAYBAR/AL-QUADA ISLAMIC SCHOOL - DAY It's the day of the tournament (EDIT: STUFF GOES HERE, they fight and beat everyone then they have a tag team match with the witch doctor and a werewolv or some fat guy named MOjumbo or something and they kill him by decapitating him with an electric guitar, but his spirt flies away and he says "I will live forever, as AIDS, ahahaha" then they find the teacher and the kids, and save them and stuff.) INT. AFRICAN SCHOOL - DAY The class is in session. The TEACHER is reading the class the story of Beverly Hills 90210: The Young Adult Novel Series. In the back of the class, two kids are talking. One of the them is one of the kids that was teaching LANCE to be gangster. BAD KID You're going to have to kill him. Kill the frog. HIP HOP KID No, I can't - he's just too cool. BAD KID You have to - it's your fault. He's wasting everyone and you've got to put a stop to it. The BAD KID passes HHK a rocket launcher. BAD KID He killed my dad. He killed alot of people's dads. We must have vengeance. If you don't do it, I'll give you AIDS. HHK looks down at the rocket launcher. EXT. AFRICA, OUTSIDE SCHOOL - DAY School is dismissed. The kids leave. HHK stays behind, standing outside the school. Nearby, DWAYNE is playing on his guitar while LANCE beat boxes along with him. The kid is about shoot LANCE from behind with a rocket. LANCE sees him in reflective corner of his sunglasses. The kid fires, but LANCE catches the rocket, spins it around and sends it back at the kid and blows him up. Then all the kid's friends start shooting at LANCE and he kills everyone. One of the wounded kids is about to shoot LANCE from the side, but the TEACHER gets in the way and takes the bullet. LANCE wastes the kid and goes to the TEACHER. TEACHER (dying.) Oh, LANCE. I didn't notice it before. You ... You've become so awesome. She dies. LANCE looks up at the sky. He's pissed. LANCE Noooooo! MONTAGE: Battle Frogs killing black kids. Battle Frogs killing black dudes. Battle Frogs raping hot black babes. Battle Frogs raping ugly black babes. Battle Frogs killing all the raped black babes. Tearing through the street in a chopped humvee, with a machine gun mounted to the back, shooting up niggers just like in Black Hawk Down, the best movie ever made (about shooting niggers.) They take turns driving and shooting. Then a helicopter starts shooting at them from far away. The helicopter bullets are real big and make huge craters in the already fucked-up road. LANCE whips out a Stinger and shoots the helicopter and it blows up and falls to the ground. As they drive by the flaming wreckage, DWAYNE shoots the burning crash survivors with an uzi as they run around and roll on the ground on fire. EXT. AFRICA - DAY The Battle Frogs are sitting there in the street atop a pile of dead nigger parts and the god comes from out of the sky. GOD The world was too full of niggers and you did me a favor by killing them all. Thanks guys. DWAYNE Hey god? GOD Yeah. DWAYNE If you're all-powerful and stuff, why didn't you kill them yourself? GOD Because I was too busy jerking off to failed abortions, car crashes, and rough-gay-frog-sex. DWAYNE Wow! You whack it to the internet!? GOD You bet. Why the fuck do you think I invented your stupid planet? It was so you can make fucked up porn for me to jerk off to. Didn't you know that? Didn't you guys get all those messages I sent down to you? LANCE You mean the scriptures? Nah, some tard mistranslated them all and all we got where confusing and contradictory stories about why you should molest your kids. GOD Man, it took you guys long enough to start making interesting porn. I had to wait like a billion years until you were smart enough to start drawing stuff on caves. LANCE Hey god, will you teach us to be awesome? GOD I don't need to - you've already learnt that for yourselves. Everyone knows how to be awesome, they just have to realize that they know it. DWAYNE Hey, does this mean that my other imaginary friends are real too? GOD No, I'm just here to confirm that by whole-heartedly believing in the unconquerable power of your cultural superiority, you'll be able to kick the ass of anything in the universe. LANCE and DWAYNE high-five. GOD You two have done very well. Because the AIDS has nowhere left to live, it has concentrated itself into a single entity. Go find it. If you kill it, you will also destroy the source of the witch doctor's power. DWAYNE Then we can learn the location of BIN LADEN's lair! LANCE Let's go. They jump down off the pile of bodies and run off into the streets, looking for AIDS. GOD Godspeed, Battle Frogs. EXT. STREETS OF AFRICA - DAY The Battle Frogs are looking everywhere for AIDS but they can't find it. Everything is quiet, a little too quiet. Then, all of a sudden, something comes through a brick wall. It's the KOOL-AIDS MAN! KOOL-AIDS MAN Oh Yeah! He shoots AIDS at the Battle Frogs. It bounces off of them. DWAYNE Dude, we're frogs. LANCE We can't get AIDS - only black people can. DWAYNE Yeah, and we killed them all - you've nowhere to run. They fight. KOOL-AIDS MAN is real strong and he picks one of them up and throws him through a wall. He kicks the other one and it really hurts. DWAYNE starts rocking out on his guitar. DWAYNE I summon the spirits of voodoo guitar power. LANCE begins doing hip hop dancing. LANCE I call on the ghosts of past rappers. All these ghosts come out of everywhere and mix together and smash into the KOOL-AIDS MAN. All this special effects stuff happens. YEUNG (on video-cellphone watch.) Now, quickly, while he's weakened! The Battle Frogs beat the shit out of the KOOL-AIDS MAN. His abdomen is ruptured and he begins spraying HIV infected blood everywhere. KOOL-AIDS MAN Oh Noooooooo! He explodes. INT. VOODOO CAVE - NIGHT The Battle Frogs have the witch doctor's head on a stone and they're reading through one of the teacher's african books. DWAYNE playes a relaxed solo while LANCE starts MCing magical spells from out of the book. The head comes to life. WITCH DOCTOR Thank you for freeing me of my curse. How can I repay you. LANCE Tell us where Bin Laden is, faggot. WITCH DOCTOR Okay. CUT TO: INT. BIN LADEN'S AFRICA BASE, HALLWAY - DAY Subtitle: Bin Laden's Africa Base The Battle Frogs are smashing their way through the base. There's all this genetic science stuff everywhere like PCR machines and centrifuges and autoclaves and spectrometers and microscopes and fridges and glowing magic stuff like on CSI. Fucking CSI - they're all a bunch of homos on that show. INT. BIN LADEN'S AFRICA BASE, EXPERIMENTAL RAPE ROOM - DAY All these bean-niggers and camel-fuckers are fucking each other in the ass. In the next cell, some colored guy is anally giving birth to a brown baby (a baby, not an actual load of shit, although the difference is marginal.) The Battle Frogs enter the room and are horrified to see such unnatural acts. LANCE Look, they're using genetic science to make a hybrid between a mexican and an arab. DWAYNE But that's illegal. BIN LADEN (O.C.) I see you've found my underground lab. Bin Laden stands on a catwalk. Next to him, the president is tied up. LANCE AND DWAYNE Bin Laden! BIN LADEN It is here that I perform my unnatural science experiments. America is strong, but it is only as strong as the people living in it. Mexicans make America weak because of their laziness and in born criminality, mooslems make America weak with their terrorist instincts and hatred of freedom. Freedom and hard-workingness, the two elements of which awesomeness is comprised. Awesomeness, the one thing that can destroy everything I've worked so hard for. By using genetic engineering I've allowed arabs to cross-breed with mexicans to make a race so untrustworthy, and uncool that they will dilute America's awesome power until it is nothing. Don't think that you can stop me - I've already released my most virulent strains into the population where they are reproducing at an alarming rate. LANCE We can stop you. We stop you everyday by using our freedom to work hard and make our nation strong. Your genetic monsters will eventually just wind up in jail or too poor to reproduce because it is the strong that survive -- DWAYNE (rhyming.) And the awesome that thrive! The battle frogs give each other a high five. BIN LADEN Your sensai never told you the truth about your father. LANCE He told me you're a fag. BIN LADEN I raped your father. LANCE and DWAYNE approach him. LANCE No! DWAYNE That can't be. BIN LADEN You back off. I'm such a stud, I banged like eight women at once yesterday. So I can kick your ass. LANCE Oh yeah! I fucked three marines yesterday. BIN LADEN So you're a fag. Big whoop. DWAYNE A fag that can rape three marines at once. You only fuck women and women are weak. It takes a real man to fuck other men. LANCE Yeah. Any pussy can fuck a bitch. To rape a stud, you've got to be like some kind of hyperstud. DWAYNE Yeah, we're hyperstuds. Megastuds. BIN LADEN Oh yeah! Well I raped a fucking camel. Those bastards are huge! They're mean and they're strong and if I can rape a full-grown camel, I can certainly rape a bunch of faggot frogs. DWAYNE That's nothing! I banged like an eight-hundred pound hog just the other day. One of those porkers can eat a man whole. BIN LADEN Well, watch this: Unveils a tiger in a cage. Bin Laden goes into the cage and starts raping the tiger. BIN LADEN I'm fucking a fucking tiger. Let's see you do that. The frogs drag a bear into the room. One holds it down while the other rapes it. LANCE We're doing a bear, bitch! Bin Laden jumps into a pool of water and begins fucking a killer whale. BIN LADEN A killer whale. A killer whale! The frogs take turns on an elephant. BIN LADEN Holy shit! They're doing an elephant. That's just hardcore. I'm out of here. Bin Laden does a triple twist half pike off the catwalk and lands in his battle cruiser as it speeds away, smashing through the wall of the base and flies off. BIN LADEN I'll get you faggots next time. NEXT TIME! INT. BIN LADEN'S AFRICA BASE, EXPERIMENTAL RAPE ROOM - LATER Special african police are in the base arresting all the bad guys and dismantling the science stuff. The president is untied and is shaking the Battle Frogs hands and talking to them. PRESIDENT You boys did pretty good. Maybe one day you can be the president. DWAYNE That would be pretty sweet. Then we could like bang all the babes in the country. LANCE We're already the best fighters in the country, maybe even better than you, so why can't we be the president now? PRESIDENT Because there's more to life than just beating people up. You have to learn other things like how to be cool and stuff. For instance, being a wrestling and ninja sword champion wasn't enough for me - I won being the president by learning to harness my inner poetic soul: River stops flowing, Dead blossoms fall to the Earth - We remain ever still… …in the footprints of our past. LANCE No offense mister President, but that's pretty gay. PRESIDENT Don't worry kids - one day you'll understand. DWAYNE I don't know, I thought it was okay. LANCE Yeah, but you also like John Stamos. DWAYNE Dude, we totally saved the president. LANCE Yeah, now all we have to do is save our girlfriend. DWAYNE Do we really have to - now that we're heroes, we can have like a million girlfriends. We could have like a new one every day. We could each have one! LANCE But she was there for us when we were just losers that kicked everyone's asses really well, before we were really cool. We owe it her. PRESIDENT Tell me more about this girlfriend of yours. Is she the one who I was kidnapped with? LANCE Yeah, that's her. It's awesome, she's Asian - so even if she was a man, you'd never be able to tell the difference. DWAYNE And she lets us piss on her face. PRESIDENT BIN LADEN sent her to his secreter base and is probably boning her in the ass at this very moment. DWAYNE Aw, that sucks. We have to save her. The chief of african police approaches with a chick in handcuffs. She's totally white, but the make up makes her look all "exotic" and stuff. COAP Here is BIN LADEN's number one operative. She knows his even secreter hideout, but we can't get her to talk. You'll have to interrogate her … erotically. LANCE No problem, dude. (to DWAYNE.) I'll be good cop, you'll be bad cop. CUT TO: INT. AFRICAN RAPE ROOM - DAY Montage of the frogs banging her in a variety of positions and beating her up. First they take turns, then they double team. They got her doing a lie detector test while fucking her. Then a shot of the Battle Frogs surfing through the air superimposed over a world map with a red arrow going from africa to iraq. INT. IRAQ, POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DAY Subtitle: IRAQ The Battle Frogs are standing before the chief of iraq's police, who is seated at his desk. Tied up in the corner of the room is some terrorist guy. CHIEF OF IRAQ POLICE Okay, so she learnt how to talk English and told us the location of another operative who should actually know the location of BIN LADEN's headquarters. We sent our agents to retrieved him and bring him here for you to interrogate. LANCE Alright. CUT TO: INT. IRAQ RAPE ROOM - DAY Montage of the frogs raping and torturing him. One of them inverts his cloaca and skullfucks one of the dude's eyes out. INT. IRAQ, POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DAY Chief sitting at his desk as before. CHIEF OF IRAQ POLICE Okay, so he's about to talk. You just need to rape him a bit more. DWAYNE No problem. CUT TO: INT. IRAQ RAPE ROOM - DAY Battlefrogs rape the guy some more. They skullfuck him in the other eye. Montage of rape-interrogation cross-cut with shot of Battle Frogs surfing on their ninja stars while superimposed against a transparency of the world map with a red arrow pointing from iraq to iran. CHIEF OF IRAQ POLICE (V.O.) Okay, so he finally talked. He gave us the name and location of another informant. We think that this one may know where BIN LADEN is hiding. Subtitle: IRAN Montage of the frogs raping and torturing the third informant. INT. IRAN, POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DAY Chief of iran police sitting at his desk. The Battle Frogs stand before him. CHIEF OF IRAN POLICE You didn't have to rape him, he was going to talk. LANCE We were checking to see if he knew anything else. CHIEF OF IRAN POLICE Oh, well, then carry on. Montage of the frogs raping him some more. FADE TO BLACK. INT. SOME PRESIDENT BASE - DAY The Battle Frogs have a private council with the president in an office or something. PRESIDENT There is something I have to tell you both. The president rips off a latex mask - he is their SENSAI. LANCE AND DWAYNE SENSAI! SENSAI nods wisely. SENSAI That is right. I am actually the president while training you in secret. LANCE But why? SENSAI As the PRESIDENT, I had many enemies. And I couldn't let them get to you, so I needed to keep my identity hidden. SENSAI rips off a latex mask and is the PRESIDENT again. DWAYNE Wow. The PRESIDENT. PRESIDENT Yes, but I am also your father. LANCE AND DWAYNE DAD! PRESIDENT Yes, my sons. DWAYNE Hey dad, why was one of us chinese and the other white? PRESIDENT Well, when I was in Vietnam I used to get around a lot. It turns out that two of my favorite whores were also secretly working as operatives for a Viet Cong intelligence gathering network. LANCE AND DWAYNE Our moms! PRESIDENT Yes. It was only after I killed them did I learn that they had my sons, which I took back to America so I can give them a proper upbringing. LANCE Dad, is it true you got raped by BIN LADEN while in Vietnam? The PRESIDENT just looks down at the floor and is silent, shaking his head. LANCE No! No! Runs away sobbing. DWAYNE LANCE! Runs after LANCE. INT. PRESIDENT BASE, SOME OTHER ROOM - DAY LANCE is pacing around, breathing heavy and trying not to cry. DWAYNE catches up with him. LANCE I hate this. I hate being frogs. This really sucks, yo. DWAYNE Look, man, I know you're pissed. Pissed about dad getting raped by BIN LADEN. Pissed about our moms getting wasted. Pissed about our girlfriend being kidnapped. Pissed about being a frog. But you can't just keep taking it out on yourself. LANCE It's just that we're going to be frogs forever. It didn't bother me earlier because I was all pumped up to save the president and stuff. But now I'm thinking and it's just that I don't know how to face everyone I know now that I'm a frog. It may be cool for awhile, but we're going to be like this all the time and I just don't know how we're going to be able to live like this… like freaks. DWAYNE It won't be forever. We'll get the cancer cure and fix everything. But, even though we're frogs, we're still brothers, and that's all that matters. LANCE (getting less pissed, joking a bit) Frogs just suck so much. DWAYNE Shut up. Frogs are awesome. LANCE No, you shut up. DWAYNE No, you shut up queerface. LANCE No, you shut up, fag. DWAYNE No, you're a fag. LANCE No, you are. They make out. This time, they mean it. Montage of sweet frog love. FADE TO BLACK. INT. IRAQ, POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DAY The chief of iraq police sits behind his desk as before. He was a map of the middle east with a whole bunch of strategy stuff drawn and labelled on it. LANCE and DWAYNE and the PRESIDENT are in attendance. CHIEF OF IRAQ POLICE Bin Laden's secret underground high tech base is located beneath the Saudi Arabian desert. The problem is that, although we have them surrounded, the entire country is so heavily fortified that getting in unnoticed would be impossible. That and, technically, they're allies with us and an attack on them could damage our standing with the international community. LANCE Don't be such a pussy. DWAYNE Yeah, we'll do it for you. We're not scared of no international bullshit. CHIEF OF IRAQ POLICE That's what I was hoping. We can't go in because of politics stuff, but you guys can because you're the battle frogs. LANCE That's right. (to DWAYNE.) Don't you remember how we used to be just a bunch of nobody karate champions? Now we're Battle Frogs and this is our chance to change ourselves and our world. DWAYNE Alright, let's rock on forever. PRESIDENT nods wisely. EXT. SAUDI AIRSPACE - DAY Flying through the sky is the Battle Frogs' customized jet assault vehicle. Painted in green camouflage, it has two cockpits that resemble frog's eyes. LANCE and DWAYNE are seated in the eye-cockpits. CHIEF OF IRAQ POLICE (V.O.) If you can blow up the House of Kabbah, it will trigger an underground chain reaction that will blow up all the oil and disable their defense network, which would allow our foreign satellite agents to get in and shut down BIN LADEN's operations. PRESIDENT (V.O.) To aid you on your mission is your customized assault space-jet vehicle. Designed and tested by YEUNG, the engineer you met back in America, and funded by a special program signed by me, the PRESIDENT. Godspeed, Battle Frogs. All these Saudi guys are like shooting rockets and stinger missiles at the Battle Frogs, but they're all dodging and dekeing out the missiles and blowing them up before they hit them and stuff. DWAYNE Cool, do a barrel roll! LANCE Hold on! They do all these plane stunts and all the missiles miss them and fly back and blow up the guys who shot them. INT. COCKPIT - CONTINUOUS YEUNG's face appears on the viewscreen next to that of the PRESIDENT. YEUNG Woah, guys. Be careful with that. It's still in its experimental phase. LANCE gives him the finger through the veiwscreen. LANCE Fuck you, clown! EXT. SAUDI AIRSPACE - CONTINUOUS Montage of more stunts and stuff. V.O. of everyone saying how cool LANCE and DWAYNE are. All this awesome rock music is playing like in a less gay version of Top Gun. EXT. MECCA, HOUSE OF KABBAH - DAY There's like this big black cube and all these guys dancing around it or something. The Battle Frog Assault Space Jet approaches. DWAYNE We have visual confirmation. LANCE Let's do this thing! The battle jet dives and plunges through the air and slams into the black cube and explodes and vaporizes everything in a huge explosion that starts all these other underground explosions that blow up everything. LANCE and DWAYNE surf the explosions on their ninja star surf boards and land safely outside the hidden entrance to BIN LADEN's secretest base. The doors were blasted open from the inside by the explosion. LANCE I guess Islam only has four pillars, now. DWAYNE Dude, we did it! We're heroes, man! INT. PRESIDENT BASE - CONTINUOUS Everyone's partying and giving each other high fives. All the action is visible on sweet big screen TV. Everyone's like dunking gatorade and champagne on each other and stuff, and all these hot, but a bit nerdy, babes are totally making out with each other or something. Whatever, everyone's happy. PRESIDENT Send in the ninjas. Go! Go! Shot of the world map with all these star-spangled red, white, and blue arrows from Israel, Iraq, Kuwait, UAE all pouring into Saudi Arabia and, like, all these fireworks going off. PRESIDENT Okay, you guys did your job. You can come back and celebrate and we'll handle the rest. I/E. BIN LADEN'S LAIR - CONTINUOUS LANCE and DWAYNE are standing at the entrance to BIN LADEN's ultimate secret base, they are talking to the PRESIDENT through their cellphone watches. DWAYNE No way, man. We're not turning back now. LANCE Yeah, we're going to get that Bin faggot, and save our girlfriend. PRESIDENT (O.C.) Okay, but then you'll have to resign as top secret ninjas because you're not following orders. LANCE Then we're turning in our badges, then. This is more important. PRESIDENT (O.C.) I'm proud of you! LANCE Let's go! LANCE and DWAYNE run into the lair. Smoke is pouring out of the entrance. INT. BIN LADEN'S LAIR - DAY Awesome music montage of LANCE and DWAYNE beating everyone up and smashing their way through the base. They get all these guns and start wasting everyone and blowing up stuff. Then they run out of ammo and start beating people up with the guns. BIN LADEN's secret underground base is totally pimped out and it has TV's and Playstations everywhere and all these ninja terrorists come out of secret doors and stuff and jump down from the ceiling and the Battle Frogs beat them up. They fight their way through floor-after-floor of evil base and there's all these vats of genetic acid everywhere and they throw the bad guys into the genetic acid and it makes them all die. LANCE and DWAYNE are clearing out all the bad guys and they get to this doorway marked "Bin Laden's Room", but then these two robots walk in from the door and confront the Battle Frogs and start breakdancing. LANCE and DWAYNE fight the breakdancing robots who do all these breakdancing moves on them while hitting and roboting and stuff. Then the robots make the alarm go off and even more terrorist ninjas come and the whole room is full of ninja terrorist mutant mexicarabs and LANCE and DWAYNE are like punching out three of them with a single punch because there's so many of them. DWAYNE Dude, there's too many of them. LANCE punches out some more of them. LANCE Yeah, I know. DWAYNE Let's stick our power together. Together like brothers. LANCE Not just brothers - but as friends. LANCE AND DWAYNE We call this move: Shocked and Awesome. They fuse their bodies together - LANCE sticks himself to DWAYNE's back. LANCE starts doing these wicked headspins while DWAYNE plays a face-melting solo, shooting rays of awesome in a circle and vaporizing and killing all the ninjas. Only the robots are left, stunned, but still functional. LANCE and DWAYNE can totally dance better than them now cause they're all pumped. They're fighting real good and using all these tag team moves and stuff. The Battle Frogs beat up the robots and they explode. INT. BIN LADEN'S LAIR, BIN LADEN'S ROOM - DAY GIRLFRIEND is tied up an hanging from the ceiling. The room is huge and the roof isn't visible. BIN LADEN stands behind the railing of an elevated area overlooking his throne room, his back turned toward a set of double doors opposite him. He is looking at his reflection in a green vat of SCIENCE ACID. He is wearing his battle suit. The massive double doors swing open and the Battle Frogs enter, backlit by fire and explosions, the disembodied head and spine of one of the guard robots in LANCE's hand. He drops the head. DWAYNE points up toward GIRLFRIEND. DWAYNE GIRLFRIEND! LANCE BIN LADEN! Mechanical whirring, GIRLFRIEND is lifted higher, out of sight. BIN LADEN turns and faces the Battle Frogs. BIN LADEN When I was a kid I had this Syrian hamster. Like the Syrian people, she was a purebred warrior at heart and would spend hours in the desert, stoically staring at the sand dunes, planning her conquest. Her sisters were always very cruel to her - they would bite her face, steal the food from her mouth, urinate on her while she slept, and eat her children. She knew that she was born to be a ruler and so did they, which is why they did everything in their power to stop her, not only for their own good, but that of the world. Day by day, they were killing her with starvation, stress and filth. Did a world that allows such torment really deserve to be protected? So one day she left. In the desert she disappeared and her sisters rejoiced, finally being rid of her. But the desert took her in and showed her its secrets. It showed her how to move over the earth like the wind and how to be as silent as a scorpion at night. The intensity of the sun was that of her own thirst for vengeance, and after one hundred-and-fifty-one years in the desert she returned to her family's burrow, and, moving fast and silently like a wind spirit, gnawed out the throats of every one of her siblings. In the end, she conquered nothing - she lives alone in her burrow while the desert continues on, unchanged. LANCE BO-RING! Let's just fight. DWAYNE Yeah. You're going down Bin Butt head! BIN LADEN Not so fast! Don't forget, I have your girlfriend. Cage with girlfriend in it lowers from the ceiling and hangs above a vat of acid filled with acid sharks. The vat is labeled: WARNING: ACID and WARNING: ACID SHARKS. All these ninja terrorists cartwheel into the room and form a circle. BIN LADEN Come one step closer and I'll drop her into this vat of AMINO ACID! Shark breaches the surface of the acid. BIN LADEN Which is also filled with acid sharks! LANCE Yeah, well, we're not leaving here until we've kicked your ass. BIN LADEN I have a better idea. Full court. First one to twenty-one wins. BIN LADEN does a flip off the elevated area and lands before LANCE and DWAYNE. The lights go out and blacklights turn on. All these lasers on the roof and walls light up and illuminate a pattern of a basketball court on the floor. A basketball falls from the roof and BIN LADEN catches it. All this funky music plays and BIN LADEN passes LANCE the ball and they all play basketball. Everyone does all these slam dunks and stuff. Its' pretty even - Bin Laden is awesome at basketball and the Battle Frogs are having trouble beating him. BIN LADEN even shatters the backboards with a 3-point slam dunk. BIN LADEN is ahead by two points and the time is down to five seconds. The ninja terrorists are cheering and chanting for BIN LADEN. LANCE Okay, time out. LANCE and DWAYNE huddle. LANCE What are we going to do? He's too good. The fucker can ball. DWAYNE We're going to have to try something unorthodox. LANCE That sounds pretty gay. DWAYNE It's our only chance. I'm going to rock on my guitar to distract him with culturally offensive music while you use your hip-hop moves to get around him and take a shot from half-court. LANCE Now that really sounds gay, (beat.) In a hot way. Dwayne starts rocking out with his guitar and Bin Laden, and all the ninja terrorists, blocks their ears and start writhing in pain. LANCE It's working. Now hit that whammy like a redneck hits his wife after a day at the pig shit factory. Dwayne goes nuts on the wah-wah. The time starts counting down. Lance ollies around the stunned Bin Laden and takes a shot off the buzzer from half-court. The sonic pressure wave from the electric guitar pushes the ball along and it goes in: SWISH. Then the backboards explode and the broken glass flies everywhere and stabs all the ninja terrorists in the faces and hearts and they die. DWAYNE We win, man. BIN LADEN Alright! Take her. The cage with GIRLFRIEND lowers to the ground safely. LANCE Hey, Bin Laden, you're pretty cool. LANCE AND DWAYNE NOT! BIN LADEN As long as I still have my cancer ray, my space station, and ownership of Saudi Arabia, my master plan remains unaffected. The court opens up, sliding open from halfcourt, revealing a hidden basement with BIN LADEN's rocket in it, ready for takeoff. The lights go out and natural sunlight fills the room from above as the ceiling begins to open up and the rocket ignites and starts to take off. BIN LADEN gives them the finger with both hands and does a front gainer into the rocket as it lifts off. He flies into space. LANCE Okay, we totally have to follow him and stop his master plan. DWAYNE But how are we going to get into space? YEUNG shows up driving a rocket. YEUNG Hey guys I came as soon as I heard. I made a space rocket, thanks to special funding from the PRESIDENT. LANCE Outstanding. DWAYNE Balls! LANCE Now we can go after BIN butt-head. EXT. BIN LADEN'S LAIR - DAY YEUNG's rocket takes off from BIN LADEN's base and flies into space. EXT. ATMOSPHERE - DAY/NIGHT In space, the rocket docks onto BIN LADEN's space station. INT. BIN LADEN'S SPACE STATION - DAY/NIGHT BIN LADEN is working at the controls of the space station. Pounding can be heard on the other side of the sealed door blocking off the docking port. Dents form in the door with each pound. Eventually the door busts off its hinges - LANCE has kicked through the door. BIN LADEN turns around to face them. LANCE Tell us your master plan, bitch. BIN LADEN Okay, I've upgraded my cancer ray so that instead of turning people into frogs, it turns them into cancer -- DWAYNE Oh, shit. BIN LADEN And I've mounted it to a satellite that will circle the earth and shoot the whole earth with cancer rays. LANCE Na-uh. The earth has an ozone layer that will block all your cancer rays. I learnt that in school. And I'm not ashamed to admit that knowledge is cool. BIN LADEN The ozone layer would block the rays, but now that I own Saudi Arabia, I'm going to burn all the fossil fuels and cause the greenhouse effect and break the ozone layer. DWAYNE Oh, fuck. BIN LADEN Yeah, and the only people that would be immune to the cancer rays are black people because they have stuff in their skin that makes it black and blocks cancer rays. But guess who got rid of them for me? DWAYNE Damn, that was us. BIN LADEN And once all the white people die of cancer, I'll be able to rule the whole world. Except for maybe China, but they got their own thing going on. LANCE Shut the fuck up. BIN LADEN No, you shut up. LANCE Make me. BIN LADEN No, you make me. LANCE What? You want to go? BIN LADEN Okay. But first, I think you should see my true form. BIN LADEN sheds his skin and turns into some kind of crazy cyborg alien. They break out into a fight. They all put these rockets on to their hands and feet to they can fight in zero-G without having to do just jujitsu moves only. BIN LADEN in his true form is really tough - he's got a force field that he uses to block punches and he goes so fast and hard that he blurs when he moves and does all these wrestling moves like fireman's powerbombs and stuff. When he punches, lasers come out of his fist. When he kicks, lighting comes out. When he punches and kicks at the same time, lighting and lasers come out. During the fight, they bust the space station and it falls out of orbit. EXT. BIN LADEN'S SPACE STATION - DAY/NIGHT Space station getting all busted from within. All this steam and shit is flying out of it and it starts to fall toward earth. INT. BIN LADEN'S SPACE STATION - DAY/NIGHT The fighting continues. YEUNG's face appears on the space station's veiwscreen. YEUNG According to my calculations, you're falling out of orbit. You have to get out of there before it explodes. The space station enters the atmosphere and starts burning up. Everyone keeps fighting and BIN LADEN uses his mirrorblade technique to split into two CYBER ALIEN BIN LADENs. YEUNG's face appears again on the flickering display screen. He's frantically, yet mutely, trying to warn everybody. Segments of his voice come through between static, but is mostly inaudible. One of the Battle Frogs is thrown into the screen, shattering it. DWAYNE chops one of the BIN LADENs in half with his guitar, but it was just a shadow and not the real CYBER ALIEN BIN LADEN. They keep fighting and everyone is just going nuts on each other. The Battle Frogs are doing all these zero-G tag team moves and CYBER ALIEN BIN LADEN is totally fighting them both at once. LANCE It' s going to blow! DWAYNE Shit. Fuck! The space station explodes. FADE OUT. EXT. HAWAII - DAY The battlefrogs land safely in Hawaii. They land in hammocks and all these hula babes serve them drinks while all these hula dudes play ukuleles. EXT. BLOWN UP SAUDI ARABIA - DAY Bin Laden is alone in the desert and stares into the horizon. He cups his face in his hands with anguish. The sun glares down on the smoking ruins of the shattered landscape he now rules. He looks up and yells at the sky. BIN LADEN This isn't what I wanted. This isn't what I wanted! EXT. HAWAII - AFTERNOON Battle frogs are banging some Hawaiian street kid. EXT. HEAVEN - DAY GOD watches them fuck the kid on a TV built into a cloud. On another screen are videos of car crashes, and on a third is a POV shot of a doctor with a bloody wire-coat hanger mouthing the words: OH SHIT! GOD is jerking off. GOD Oh yeah. HITLER comes and puts his hand on GOD's shoulder. GOD gets up. HITLER Give me some sugar, honey. God and Hitler make out. Hitler is the man. EXT. BLOWN UP SAUDI ARABIA - AFTERNOON BIN LADEN looks up at the sky, yelling. BIN LADEN You'll suck cock for this, Battle Frogs. COOOOOOOCK! FADE OUT. INT. SOME HIGH SCHOOL GYM - MORNING Subtitle: NEXT YEAR A karate tournament in a high school gym. The PRESIDENT is in attendance. The battlefrogs hold up another karate trophy. GIRLFRIEND stands by with a microphone, ready to interview them. LANCE and DWAYNE talk into the mike and address the audience. DWAYNE Okay we have something to say. LANCE Yeah, we've learnt that just beating people up isn't enough, so we're going to play some music for you guys. DWAYNE Crank up the crankables - we're getting ready to rock and rap. DWAYNE whips out his guitar and starts wailing hard while LANCE grabs the mic and starts rapping. The audience goes nuts for it. Everyone likes it. The PRESIDENT takes the mic. PRESIDENT I think it's time for me to pass my presidency on to someone more worthy. You two have come a long way and I'm more than happy to have you be the new president. DWAYNE Awesome! LANCE We'll take it. DWAYNE And, GIRLFRIEND, we'll like you to be our new first lady. GIRLFRIEND Balls! The Battle Frogs give each other a high-five. Freeze frame of the high-five. Roll credits. FADE TO BLACK.
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