That's not my thing
Written by Dylan Murphy

January 2nd, 2005

INT. SWIMMING POOL HOT TUB - NIGHT
We see a man sitting in a steamy hot tub. He is overweight, has glasses, and white hair. This man's name is PETER. PETER sits there quietly. He is the only one in the hot tub, the only one in the room. A door swings open and in walk four people. A woman, and three men. The woman's name is SUZANNE, she is tall, has thick brown hair, and is laughing from a joke made by one of the men. One of the men's names is ART. He has a fairly muscular build, and is also laughing along with SUZANNE. The man next to ART is CARL, he is a tad overweight, and has bushy brown hair. Next to him is DAVID, who wears glasses, and is going bald. The four of them sit down in the tub surrounding PETER, he doesn't say a word.
SUZANNE
Ahh, this is perfect.
Carl
Haven't done this in a while.
ART starts to chuckle.
SUZANNE
What? What's so funny?
Art
I'm just remembering that story you told me, about the dog.
DAVID
What dog?
Art
Let her tell you.
Carl
I don't know anything about a dog.
Suzanne
Okay, I was walking along 34th street, and this guy, i dunno why, but he stopped me. 
CARL
What do you mean you don't know why. If he stopped you, he wouldve had to give a reason for stopping you.
SUZANNE
No, he just grabbed my shoulder, and held on.
DaVID
Then what'd you do?
SUZANNE
Nothing.
CARL
Nothing?
DAVID
What'd he do?
SUZANNE
Nothing.
CARL
Nothing? Why would someone stop you to do nothing?
Art
Go on.
SUZANNE
So i stared at him for a moment, maybe i knew him from before. But he stared back, and opened his jacket.
ART
He opened his jacket.
SUZANNE
Out of a pocket inside that thing, he pulled out a dog. A cute little Chihuahua. So i took it.
DAVID
You took the man's dog?
CARL
Why would you take the man's dog?
SUZANNE
He was practically giving it away to me. What else would i do, i love dogs. 
CARL
I can't believe you took a dog you've never seen before, from a man you've never seen before. Didn't Rabies ever cross your mind while touching this thing?
SUZANNE
No, she was just so cute.
David
The man or the dog?
SUZANNE
The dog. 
CARL
People these days will take anything if its for free.
SUZANNE
It's not unusual for people to give dogs away. I see it all the time.
CARL
Sure, you see it all the time, at a residence of some sort. Never on the street from a grubby looking guy, holding the pooch in his pocket. 
Art
Maybe it was cold out.
SUZANNE
Yeah, it was, like thirty two degrees. Probably just keeping the dog warm.
CARL
Or saving him for lunch.
DAVID
What'd you name him?
SUZANNE
Her, Annabella.
DAVID
So she's a bitch.
Art
She's a bitch.
Beat. DAVID looks around the room, sees that they are the only ones, along with PETER, who has been listening to the conversation. 
DAVID
I really like what they've done with the place. You know, jazzed it up.
ART
Yeah, looks pretty good, nice colors in here. Hey Carl, that reminds me, how is your painter girl friend.
CARL
Is it necessary to call her painter girl friend? Is she different from others because she's a painter?
ART
I'm just saying...
CARL
Ah, who cares anyway, we broke up.
SUZANNE
Oh really? When?
CARL
Yesterday, i thought things were going great, but while laying in bed and doing a crossword, she looks at me, and says, a four letter word for 'break up'. 
Art
Do you know what that would be?
SuZANNE
Not a clue.
DaVID
Dump.
Carl
Bingo.
SuZANNE
How sad. You know I've got this friend of mine who just got out of a relationship. I'm sure she'll love to meet you.
CaRL
Yeah? And she's my type?
SUZANNE
I'd think so.
Art
Who is this?
SUZANNE
Her name is Joyce.
ART
Is she the one from the open house?
SUZANNE
Yeah, you remember.
Carl
Art, is she my type?
Art
Umm, yes, i guess so.
Beat.
CARL
I'll do it!
SUZANNE
Meet her at the Sizzling Wok on 81st street.
CARL
Ah, can't do it, that's not my thing.
Art
What's not your thing?
CARL
Chinese isn't my thing.
SuZANNE
How could it not be your thing?
CARL
I have things that are my things, and things that aren't, and this, is not my thing.
SUZANNE
C'mon, i'm sure you can handle a night of chinese.
DAVID
I love Chinese.
Art
Everyone does.
CARL
No, not everyone. In fact, i can name someone that doesn't.
SUZANNE
What's your beef with the Chinese?
CaRL
Not the Chinese as a people. But as a food. Not my thing.
ArT
Is it the MSG?
DAVID
Too much can kill ya you know.
CARL
It's not the MSG. Just a bad experience once.
Art
Do tell.
CARL
Nah, I'd rather not.
SUZANNE
Ah c'mon. It's just us.
CARL gives in.
CARL
Okay, when i was young, i was just exploring the restaurant with my friend.
Art
How young?
CARL
Eight. And we snuck a peek in the kitchen, and i saw our food being prepared. What I wish i hadn't seen was after our food was done, it sat on the counter, right next to the chef....and the waitress. They were, you know.
Art
No...
SUZANNE
You're kidding me.
Beat.
DAVID
I've done it before.
The four of them, including PETER, stare blankly at David.
DaVID
Wha-....What! Like you haven't had Sex at work!
Art
They did it next to your food?
Carl
They did it next to my food.
ART
Did you eat it?
CaRL
And i ate it.
SUZANNE
You didn't have to eat it! You couldn't turned them in! Shut em down!
CARL
I was a shy boy.
Art
Gross.
DAVID
I gotta get outta here.
Carl
What's the rush.
DAVID
I'm getting pruney.
SuZANNE
Oh, yeah, me too.
Art
Well, there's no point in us staying here.
Carl
Yeah let's go.
The four of them get up, and start to walk to the door.
SuzaNNE
It's nice being the only ones in here.
They leave. PETER stays in the tub, soaking in the bubbles.
FADE OUT.
THE END