02Final Draft, Inc. Final Draft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old open Int. Sales area - d1 Stanley (on phone) Yes sir. Thats correct. The coin is free. Its a commemorative coin, sir. (beat) Commemorative of our branch. PAN to show Michael watching over. MiCHAEL And your boss. STANLEY (glances at Michael, then) And our boss. MICHAEL Tell him theyre limited edition. Only 50 available. STANLEY Theyre limited edition. Only 50 available. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL Today I have prepared a treat for the sales department. A new sales incentive, if you will. Leans off screen, comes back with a thin rectangular box, opens the box to reveal two large silver coins displayed in faux satin lining. MICHAEL (CONT'D) The first ever Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch commemorative coin! Michael holds it out some more. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Minted right here in Scranton. Limited edition only 50 available. Genuine silver plating folks! On one side you have our building. The beeee-you-tiful Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch. (camera zeroes in on coin) And on the other side you have, yours truly! (camera zeroes in on other side of coin) Michael Scott. See that! See that there? Underneath my bust? (reading coin) World's Best Boss. (laughs) Pretty cool, huh? Who wouldn't want this? Our paper is going to sell like hot cakes. INT. SALES AREA - CONTINUOUS - D1 STANLEY (on phone) I don't understand it either sir. Thank you. Goodbye. Stanley hangs up. STANLEY (CONT'D) (to Michael) What is the point of this? MICHAEL Hang in there, Stanley. Brilliant marketing ideas take time to catch on. STANLEY What you call brilliant I call ridiculous. I'm not going to sell anything with these coins. INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK AREA - D1 DWIGHT (on phone) Only 50 available, ma'am. I suggest you get them while you can. (beat) That's right. Genuine silver plating. (beat) Terrific! So that will be four reams of paper, plus the commemorative coin. Thank you very much! 00020000085F0000078A859,Dwight hangs up. Pumps his fist. DWIGHT (CONT'D) Yeah! Dwight and Michael high-five. MICHAEL See people! It's catching! (to camera) Yee of little faith. (to Dwight) Who was that? DWIGHT My mother. Jim looks at camera, nods. Michael drops his head. INT. OFFICE - JIM'S DESK - A LITTLE LATER - D1 JIM (on phone) That is correct. (beat) Can you get the paper without the coin? Sure. Of course you can. (beat) No it won't cost you any more to get the paper without the coin. JIM TALKING HEAD JIM (CONTD) I believe this is the first coin ever minted, commemorative or real, that actually has a negative monetary value. INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - LATER - D1 Michael hunches over the phone. Ryan is on speaker. RYAN (O.S.) Michael - what's this I hear about a commemorative coin and why didn't I know about it? MICHAEL Internal operation, Ryan. You want to spark sales you've gotta think outside the box. RYAN Michael - do you know what commemorative means? MICHAEL (glances at camera, then) Celebratory. In celebration of. RYAN No Michael. That's not what it means. In means in remembrance of. So basically by offering these coins, you're saying the Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch is in the past. It's shut down. Michael says nothing. RYAN (CONTD) Michael? Michael hangs up. Looks glumly at the camera. End of cold open Act 0ne FADE IN: INT. MICHAEL'S BEDROOM - MORNING - D1 Jan comes out of the shower with towels wrapped around her, head down. JAN Michael? Michael babe its 9:30. Youre late. She realizes a camera is there. Turns around. JAN What're they doing here? Michael coughs loudly. MICHAEL Theyre just recording some-- (coughs) home footage that's all. They'll be gone soon. Jan gets behind the bathroom door. JAN (O.S.) They're gonna have to leave while I change. Michael lowers the blanket, winks at the camera. MICHAEL (overdone weak voice) Okay. He gestures for the cameras to leave. They sneak out of the room but from OUTSIDE THE ROOM do a SPY SHOT through crack in the bedroom door. JAN (O.S.) Michael - are you sick? MICHAEL No. (coughs heavily) I'm fine. I think. 000200000C1300000FE3C0D,JAN (O.S.) Well you sound sick. You should stay home today. MICHAEL (weakly) No. Can't. Have a...meeting. JAN (O.S.) I'm coming out now! Cameras please leave. MICHAEL Theyre gone babe. Jan comes out in her towels. She puts her hand to Michael's forehead. JAN Michael you feel a little feverish. Youre staying home. INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA - D1 Pam checks the wall clock: 9:45. Then Dwight checks it. DWIGHT Where's Michael? Pam shrugs. DWIGHT (CONTD) He hasnt called in yet? Pam shakes her head. INT. Michaels BEDROOM - d1 Jan, now dressed, kisses him on forehead. JAN Okay babe. Im going. MICHAEL Okay. Jan Rest up. She leaves, glancing at the camera on her way out. Camera goes back into MICHAELS BEDROOM Michael waits a few seconds. Front door is heard closing. Jan's footsteps outside. MICHAEL (whispering to camera) It worked! One of the worst performances of my career and she never doubted it for a second! He sits up. MICHAEL (CONT'D) (to camera) I wasn't lying when I said I had a meeting either. With Ryan! Like I'm gonna meet with Ryan instead of do Michael Scott's Day Off. Yeah right. He climbs out of bed. Goes to the window. Whips open the blinds. Rain. MICHAEL (CONT'D) What a beautiful day! Pause. Awkward. Glances at the camera. The expression on his face turns to disgust. MICHAEL (CONT'D) The weatherman said it was going to be nice. Two different weathermen. On two different stations. (laughs awkwardly) Kind of makes you wonder what they pay them for? (beat, then) This is not gonna work. (gets lost in thought, then) No. It is. It has to. (deep breath; then, to camera) Ferris wouldn't have let a little rain spoil his day right? INT. Office - Reception area - d1 The phone rings. PAM Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. MICHAEL (V.O.) (in poorly faked sick voice) Pam. (coughs) It's Michael. PAM Oh -- hi Michael. Dwight goes alert. MICHAEL (V.O.) I'm not coming in today. Okay? I'm sick. PAM Okay, Michael. Michael goes into a deep cough. Wretches. MICHAEL (V.O.) Oh God. I think it might be pneumonia. PAM (glances at camera, then) Oh. That's awful, Michael. MICHAEL (V.O) No calls at home please. PAM Okay. MICHAEL (V.O.) Okay - see you tomorrow. Maybe! I mean. Maybe see you tomorrow. Or next week. Or next month. However long it takes. PAM Alright, Michael. Hope you're feeling better. Bye. Pam hangs up. Dwight stares at her. DWIGHT So? PAM Oh - he's sick. DWIGHT Sick? Pam nods. DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT (CONTD) Michael hardly ever gets sick. Which leads me to believe that A, hes been kidnapped, or B, theres been an accident, probably something involving arsenic, a rope, and a pair of high performance weed clippers. INT. Office - RECEPTION AREA - d1 Jim gets up, walks over to Pams desk. JIM You checkin? PAM Im checkin. Pam types. Pulls something up on her screen. JIM There it is. Phillies game. One oclock. Better get on that. PAM (excited) You think it'll be rain-delayed? JIM I don't know. That would be pretty great if it was though. 0002000008CE00001BF08C8,PAM TALKING HEAD PAM Once a year Michael does Michael Scott's Day Off, a la Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I know when he's doing it because first of all he never gets sick, and second he has a really bad fake sick voice. Even though he's done it three years in a row now Dwight is always convinced something's happened to him, and that's probably because Dwight still doesnt know who Ferris Bueller is. INT. office - RECEPTION AREA - D1 Pam gets on the phone, dials. PAM Hi. Beth? Hi. Pam. At Dunder Mifflin. PAM TALKING HEAD PAM (CONTD) My job on Michael Scott's Day Off is to arrange for "Get well soon Michael Scott" to display on the Philadelphia Phillies score board during the game. You know - the same thing they did in Ferris Bueller's. Except it said, "Get well soon Ferris Bueller." It costs about $200 and since I've done it once a year for the last three years the woman knows me already and knows the whole story behind it, so she can usually slip it in. Michael writes it off as a business expense. (beat, then) It's not too bad, actually. Could be worse. (thinks) One year he asked me to play the role of Sloan. You know, Ferris Bueller's girlfriend? (looks away, nods; then, a scared, disturbed expression) I didn't take it. JIM TALKING HEAD JIM With the cameras around I think Michael's really going to take it to the next level this year. The only problem I see is that it's raining. But Michael has a way of, how do I put this, living completely in his own world. So it shouldn't be a problem. INT. MICHAEL'S SHOWER - D1 Michael is singing into the showerhead, eyes-closed, his shampooed-hair spiked into a Mohawk. MICHAEL Donka shein. Darlin', donka' shein. The camera scrolls down, revealing his Spiderman swim trunks. EXT. MICHAEL'S PORCH - A LITTLE LATER - D1 Michael, now in shorts and Hawaiian shirt, has managed to squeeze a lawn chair onto the small porch off his second- floor bedroom. Even though it's drizzling he's out there with a pia colada, which is perched precariously on the rail of the chair. MICHAEL (CONTD) (to camera) I'm so disappointed in Cameron. He goes for the drink but his hand catches the rim and knocks the glass over. It falls off the deck to the ground below. 0002000006BB000024B86B5,MICHAEL (CONT'D) (peering over the edge of the deck) Oh f me. INT. OFFICE - DWIGHT AND JIM'S DESK AREA - D1 Dwight checks his watch. Andy looks on. DWIGHT Strange. Michael hardly ever gets sick. JIM I'm sure he's okay. DWIGHT Oh. I see. So you're a doctor now? ANDY My dads a doctor. What's the problem? JIM (to Dwight; ignoring Andy) Just guessing. DWIGHT Guesswork is for the meek. Jim smiles, nods. PAM TALKING HEAD PAM One year Michael tried to get Jim to play Cameron, but Jim refused. And last year he tried to get Toby to play the role of the school principal. (beat, then, matter of fact) Both those characters were pretty pathetic in Ferris Buellers. Imagine playing them to Michael Scotts Ferris Bueller. INT. OFFICE - JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK AREA - CONTINUOUS - D1 Dwight is on his cell phone. After a few seconds he snaps the phone shut. DWIGHT No answer. He shuts down his computer, stands up, throws on his coat. JIM Where are you going? DWIGHT Where do you think? JIM To check on Michael? DWIGHT (to camera) B-I-N-G-O. JIM Good luck. Dwight shrugs himself more snugly into his blazer as he shoots Jim a look of knowing condescension. DWIGHT Luck is for the meek. JIM (aw shucks) Aw. Luck, too? Damn. INT. MICHAEL'S CAR - D1 The PT Cruiser top is down. Michael races down the highway, trying to see through the rain. He pushes a tape in and a song comes on. It's "Beat City", by the Flowerpot Men, the same song they play in Ferris Bueller's when Ferris, Sloan, and Cameron zoom into Chicago in the Ferrari. MICHAEL (singing) "Beat City now now! Beat beat, beat city now now. Woo-oo-oo!" INT. OFFICE - RECEPTION AREA - A LITTLE LATER - D1 Pam is playing solitaire. 000200000AE800002B6DAE2,INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK AREA - CONTINUOUS - D1 Jim leans back in his chair, sighs. Clearly bored. Andy is leaning back, twiddling his thumbs, trying to get a good look at his reflection in the blank computer screen. He turns his face to one side for a profile view, runs a finger down his sideburn. Turns his face to the other side and does the same thing. INT. ACCOUNTING AREA - D1 KEVIN and OSCAR are playing their field goal kicking game with the triangular piece of paper. CREED is perusing a High Times. INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK AREA - D1 JIM (to Pam) Why don't we do something? PAM Like what? JIM Like go bowling. I haven't been bowling in ages. PAM Right now? Everyone? JIM Yeah. Michael is getting his day off. Let's take one, too. It'll be the office's day off. PAM (facetious) But what about all the calls coming in for Michael? INT. MICHAEL'S CAR - DOWNTOWN PHILADELPHIA - D1 The rain has tapered a bit. Michael is driving down a street somewhere downtown. He gets out his cell phone and calls TODD PACKER. MICHAEL (on phone) Packmeister! PACKER (V.O.) Michael Ferris Bueller Scott! What's up buddy!? Where you at? MICHAEL Almost to the stadium my man. We hittin it!? PACKER (V.O.) Heck yeah we are. I'll be there faster than you can say anal sex. MICHAEL Anal sex. There. Said it. Hah hah! PACKER (V.O.) Hah! Nice one. MICHAEL Later. (hangs up; then, to camera) Todd Packer. We're going to game. It's gonna be cahraaaaay-zay! Crayzalicious. EXT. MICHAEL'S FRONT YARD - D1 Dwight gets out of his car, steps across the lawn towards the front door, but stops when he sees the remnants of the broken cocktail glass on the ground. He takes a suspicious glance around. Cautiously he approaches the broken glass. He squats down next to it, smells it. Pokes it. Stands up. Looks around. DWIGHT Michael!? He waits. In his own mind he is becoming more and more private investigator-like. He takes out his cell phone and dials. INT. OFFICE - D1 Pam's phone ringing. Nobody is around. EXT. MICHAEL'S FRONT YARD - D1 DWIGHT (CONTD) Pam, it's Dwight. I'm at Michael's place and suspect foul play. Repeat: suspect foul play. I'm going to investigate and will be out the rest of the afternoon. Have Jim hold down the office for me. Dwight out. Snaps the phone shut. Steps to the front door. Takes a big, dramatic breath. Motions for the camera to step back a little, which it does. Then Dwight knocks three times and gets out of the way, plastering himself to the wall beside the door. INT. BOWLING ALLEY/LANE AREA - D1 Kelly waddles slowly up to the lane line with the bowling ball between her legs. With both hands she swings the ball back once...twice...then lets it go. Miraculously it knocks down eight pins. 00020000070E0000364F708,Kelly Woo-hoo! Angela, keeping score in the booth, sneers. Andy, Creed, Phyllis, and Stanley are there, too. Stanley is doing a crossword puzzle. AT ANOTHER LANE Pam swings back with one hand, lets one fly down the alley. There are four pins left cluttered together and she gets all of them. She pumps her fist. PAM TALKING HEAD (backdrop is bowling alley) PAM I'm actually a pretty good bowler. My dad taught me. Last time I went I bowled a 220. But it may have been a fluke because the time before that I bowled a 70. INT. BOWLING ALLEY LANE AREA - D1 Pam struts back to the seating area, splays her hands in a cocky "whattayagonna do about that" gesture. In her booth is Jim, Oscar, Kevin, and Toby. TOBY TALKING HEAD TOBY I probably shouldn't have let this happen, but you know, what the heck. You only live once right? INT. BOWLING ALLEY LANE AREA - D1 Pam takes a seat next to Jim and they high five. PAM What are we up? Jim marks the score card. JIM With that the Bowling Brawlers are up by... (calculates) ...60 points over the Kingpins. But team captain big Kevs up next, so watch out. Kevin grabs a ball, approaches the line. KEVIN TALKING HEAD KEVIN I was bowling champion at my high school so I'm pretty good. Better than you, most likely. INT. BOWLING ALLEY/LANE AREA - D1 Kevin throws down a strike in perfect form. AT THE OTHER LANE Returning from his bowl, Creed holds up fingers to show Angela how many pins he knocked down. Angela marks it. She looks bored. ANGELA TALKING HEAD ANGELA Bowling is for dirty, foul-mouthed losers. So no - I'm not bowling. (smiles) Just keeping score. Behind Angela, Merediths back can be seen at the bar. The camera shifts its focus. MEREDITH TALKING HEAD MEREDITH (slurring words) The bartender's really cute. 00020000035500003D5734F,(burps, then) I want him in my coochie. EXT. PHILLIES STADIUM PARKING LOT - D1 The rain has picked up. Michael stands by one of the stadium gate entrances, his jacket pulled up over his head. MICHAEL (sad) Bueller? Bueller? This can't be happening. (puts out hand to catch rain) Oh god. Make it stop please. Suddenly Packer arrives from behind, slaps Michael's ass hard. PACKER Bueller butt! Michael turns - they high five. MICHAEL Pacman! Packer gets Michael into a friendly headlock and gives him a nudgie. He lets him go. PACKER So is it gonna be a rain-out or what man? MICHAEL Never say die, Pacman. Never say die. MICHAEL (CONT'D) (glances to camera, then) Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. (to Packer) We in or out? PACKER Can anyone say, "Brew chug fest on the 000200000972000040A696C,company?" We're in baby! Let's play some ball! Michael widens his eyes for the camera. MICHAEL Ha hah! That's why he's da man! That's why he's da Pacman! They head in. INT. BOWLING ALLEY - D1 Oscar bowls a gutter ball. OSCAR TALKING HEAD OSCAR I suck at bowling. It's part of being gay. If you know a gay guy who is good at bowling he's probably not really gay. At the other lane Phyllis grabs a ball. Creed, Angela, Stanley and Andy watch her make her way to the line. As she bends forward to roll the ball her blouse pulls up a little revealing what appears to be a tattoo on the small of her back. Everyone notices it although they cant make out what it is. Theyre all shocked. When she comes back everyone is quiet. PHYLLIS What? An exchange of innocent glances. KELLY Nothing! We were just admiring your graceful bowling stroke, that's all. The others nod and agree, relieved Kelly thought of something. PHYLLIS (genuinely flattered) Oh! Really? Thank you. PHYLLIS TALKING HEAD PHYLLIS (CONTD) It's funny cause my husband, Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration, has told me the same thing many times - that I have a really nice bowling stroke. (pauses; guilty/indulgent expression, then, leaning forward to whisper) He compliments me on another kind of stroke I have as well! (winks) STANLEY TALKING HEAD STANLEY At first I thought it was a tumor, because Phyllis is the last person in the world I can see with a tattoo. After myself of course. And Angela. KELLY TALKING HEAD KELLY Oh...my god. Phyllis has a tramp stamp. I wonder what it's of! Probably a motorcycle or a skull or something really stupid and gross like that. PAM TALKING HEAD PAM (to someone just off frame) What!? Oh my god you're not serious. (glances at someone to the left) Oh - you are serious. Wow. (shocked; can barely get the words out) I'm sorry. I have to go tell Jim. EXT. MICHAEL'S BACKYARD - D1 Dwight tries a window - locked. He goes to another one that's about head height. This one's open but there's a screen. DWIGHT TALKING HEAD (Backdrop is Michael's house.) DWIGHT Fact: 4,689 people a year are kidnapped. Of those, half are killed, half are raped, and half are either killed, raped, or maimed, often with loss of a limb or finger digits. If something like this happens to Michael, as assistant regional manager it's my ass that's on the line. Not Jim's. Not Pam's. Mine. 00020000068300004A1267D,Dwight steps back, takes a glance around, then punches it in. On his tiptoes he peeks inside. Turns, ducks down. Then goes back up for another peek. From his pocket he removes a small canister of mace, attaches it to his belt. Then he takes a deep breath, and glances heroically at the camera. In one motion he hoists himself up to the window and dives into the apartment, falling with a heavy thud to the floor. He grunts in pain. INT. PHILLIES STADIUM - D1 Michael and Packer are in the stands, each holding a large beer. MICHAEL Eh batta batta sah-WING batta! Eh batta batta batta sa-WING batta! E-can'it E-can'it E-can'it sah-WING batta! (pause; then) Eh batta batta sah-WING batta! Eh batta batta batta sa-WING batta! E-can'it E-can'it-- Suddenly, a MAN shouts from somewhere higher up in the stands. MAN (O.S.) Hey would you shut up with the "eh batta batta" Ferris Bueller s---! The game hasn't even started yet! Michael closes his mouth, smiles. Completely intimidated. Packer stands up. PACKER Hey a-----! Why don't you shut up this!? Packer turns his butt to the man. MICHAEL Oh god, Packer. Please don't. Packer pulls down his pants. Michael covers his eyes. MICHAEL (CONTD) Ahh God. That was so unnecessary. Suddenly the man who yelled flies down from his seat and tackles Packer. Michael covers his head with his arms and curls into a fetal position. EXT. OFFICE - PARKING LOT - D1 Ryan arrives for his scheduled meeting with Michael. Gets out of his car, notes the lack of cars in the lot. He goes to the door. INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER - D1 Ryan slows as he walks in, stunned by the office's silence and emptiness. 000200000A2D0000508FA27,Finally, he stops near Pam's desk, a look of disbelief. RYAN Hello? Ryan looks at the camera. END OF ACT one Act two INT. OFFICE - D1 Ryan is miffed, dumbfounded. He walks stiffly toward Michael's office, looks in. Pulls out his cell phone. EXT. PHILLIES STADIUM - D1 Three stadium security officers escort Michael and Packer out. Packer is loving it - gloating in the excitement. Michael looks grave. They let them go in the parking lot. As soon as they are gone Packer raises his arm for a high-five. Michael gazes at it a second, not sure. Finally he capitulates, forcing a smile. PACKER Heck yeah, buddy! Not even Ferris did that. MICHAEL (more to himself) That's because Ferris wasn't an idiot. PACKER What? MICHAEL Nothing. Packer looks around. PACKER So what do we do now man!? I'm ramped up! MICHAEL (glum) You got us kicked out, Packer. PACKER (taunting) Awww, little Ferris Bueller is sad. Boo hoo. MICHAEL It's supposed to be one of the highlights, Packer. Ferris sees his name on the screen - (runs fingers through the air) "Get well soon, Ferris." But you got us kicked out. And it's not even raining anymore. PACKER Aw come on! Don't get sour on me now man! We're just getting started! Hey - you know something else Ferris didn't do? MICHAEL (sulking) What. PACKER Go to a strip club. MICHAEL That's because Ferris wasn't a sleazebag. The whole point... (glances at camera) Ahh god. You don't understand. Nobody understands who the real Ferris Bueller is. Michael sits down on the curb. Suddenly, The Beatles version of "Twist and Shout" can be heard as a ring tone. MICHAEL (CONTD) (to camera; recovering his good humor just a tad) Hear that? Special for today people. Never miss a detail... Pulls out his cell phone, checks who's calling. MICHAEL (CONTD) Ryan. Why are you calling me Ryan? Pam should have told you I was sick. MICHAEL (CONT'D) (smiles, to camera) Do I answer it? Would Ferris Bueller answer it? Michael shakes his head, then raises his index finger. MICHAEL (CONT'D) (to camera) Wait. You gotta hear this. He stares at the phone, waits for Ryan's message to come through. He puts it on speaker and hold it up towards the camera. The voice of a young MICHAEL BRODERICK (as Ferris Bueller) comes on, recorded from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. BRODERICK (V.O.) I'm sorry but I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill and subject myself to further school absences. You can reach my parents at their places of business. Thank you for stopping by. 00020000073100005AB672B,I appreciate your concern for my well-being. MICHAEL Preeeeety cool, huh? Then, Ryan's message. RYAN (V.O.) Michael, it's Ryan. I'm here for our meeting and you're not here. And neither is anyone else. No one is here. Please call me a soon as possible. Michael looks at the phone as if it's a foreign object. Then he looks at the camera, laughs uncomfortably. MICHAEL Ha haaaa! Well...thats news. INT. OFFICE - D1 Ryan sighs, shakes his head as he dials another number. INT. MICHAEL'S BEDROOM - D1 Dwight, on his knees, analyzes the dust on Michael's night stand from eye level. He swipes a finger across it, examines the finger, tastes the dust with his tongue. Then, the phone rings. Dwight goes on alert. Looks at the camera: it could be the kidnapper calling. Dwight puts on a determined face and picks up the phone. INTERCUT: MICHAEL'S BEDROOM/ THE OFFICE - D1 DWIGHT (sly) Hello? RYAN Dwight? Dwight snaps his fingers to the camera: get back. Then he presses a hand to his free ear, as if he has an earpiece. DWIGHT It might be. Who's this? RYAN This is Ryan. DWIGHT (suspicious) Hello Ryan. RYAN What are you doing there? Is Michael with you? DWIGHT Funny you should ask. I was looking for him myself. RYAN There's nobody here. I'm at the office and there's nobody. DWIGHT (not believing it) I see. And I bet you want me to go there to meet you, right? Should I bring some money, too? How does a million dollars cash sound? RYAN What are you talking about? DWIGHT I don't know. You tell me. RYAN (beat, then) I'm calling Jim. Ryan hangs up. Dwight looks at camera: this could be our kidnapper. INT. BOWLING ALLEY BAR AREA - D1 Meredith dances sloppily by the jukebox with a beer in her hand. She's trying to entice the bartender to come out and dance with her but he's having none of it. 000200000916000061E1910,LANE AREA Jim bowls a gutter ball. JIM TALKING HEAD JIM Yeah overall I'd say the office's day off has been a success. Everyone seems to be having a pretty good time, as far as I know its still raining, and Meredith is wasted. What more could you want? His phone buzzes. He holds up his finger. JIM (CONTD) Sorry - one second. He looks at who's calling. JIM (CONT'D) Uh -oh. (beat, then to camera) Ryan. (thinks about it, then answers) Hello? Jim Halpert. INTERCUT RYAN (V.O.) Hey Jim. Ryan. JIM Hey Ryan. What's up? RYAN (V.O.) How's work going? JIM (looks to camera, then) Okay. Pretty good I guess. Same as ever. RYAN (V.O.) Sell much today? JIM Uh - not too much, nope. Kind of a slow day actually. RYAN (V.O.) Doesn't surprise me. Because you're not at the office. JIM (looking at camera) Can I call you back, Ryan? INT. MICHAEL'S BEDROOM - D1 Dwight is investigating the sheets, jotting down notes, when the front door opens downstairs. He gives a sly side-glance to the camera, then to the bedroom doorway. Quickly he moves to the edge of the open bedroom door, motioning for the camera to get out of view. He peeks out the door a moment, returns. Mouths, "Jan." Footsteps are heard coming up the stairs. Jan walks in. Dwight lunges. Gets her into a headlock with his elbow around her throat. Jan screams. DWIGHT Where is he? Jan elbows Dwight hard in the gut and he keels over. JAN Oh my god - Dwight? She kicks him in ribs and he goes onto his back. JAN (CONT'D) What the hell do you think you're doing? Dwight reaches for the mace. Jan kicks it out of his hands. Jan glances at the camera. Then she sits on the edge of the bed and tries to gather herself. JAN (CONT'D) Would you please tell me what the hell is going on? Where's Michael? Dwight rolls back over - coughing and wheezing. Slowly he gets onto his knees. Suddenly he lunges for the mace again. But Jan beats him to it and sprays him. Dwight screams. He blinks rapidly, momentarily blinded. EXT. PHILLIES STADIUM - D1 Michael, in full sulk mode, sits on a curb, arms folded on his knees. Packer paces. The weather has cleared and the baseball game is on. The crowd from the nearby stadium suddenly erupts in cheers. MICHAEL (defeated) Hear that? They probably just put my message on the score board. 0002000006A500006AF169F,PACKER Oh you are such a baby, Michael. Come on! I say we hit that strip club! MICHAEL (muttering) Eh batta batta sah-wing batta. Eh batta batta sah-wing batta. The "Twist and Shout" ring tone comes on. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Probably Ryan. Freaking out because nobody's at the office. I'm gone one day and all hell breaks loose. (looks at camera, chuckles morosely) I don't know. (rocks back and forth) I don't know I don't know. PACKER Jesus, man. I'm leaving. I'm going to the strip club. You coming or not? Michael, ignoring Packer, checks the incoming call. MICHAEL (to camera) Jan. He flaps his lips as he blows through them. Then he answers the phone. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Ferris here. JAN (V.O.) Michael - where are you? MICHAEL (numb) At the baseball game. JAN (V.O.) What? What are you doing at the baseball game? Michael - have you gone crazy? MICHAEL Annual tradition Jan. Michael Scott's Day Off. If you hadn't been in corporate with all those... (beat; snarls) suits...you probably would've known about it. JAN Michael do you realize that Dwight broke into our apartment and attacked me? A rustling noise. Dwight comes on. DWIGHT (V.O.) Michael - where are you? Where are they keeping you? MICHAEL Oh, god. Dwight - what are you doing? INT. MICHAELS BEDROOM - D1 DWIGHT Michael there's no need to pretend anymore. Whatever they have you doing, whatever lies theyre forcing you to tell, whatever game they have you playing, scrap it now! It's your last chance. Tell...me...where...you...are. MICHAEL (v.O.) (aggravated) I'm at the baseball game Dwight. Dwight frantically jots the words down on his notepad: "baseball game," then tries to decipher the code. 00020000068700007190681,DWIGHT What is the game, Michael? What is the game? MICHAEL (V.O.) Phillies Dodgers. Dwight writes "Phillies Dodgers" on the pad. He circles a few coinciding letters, draws a line between them. Jan watches, half-curious, half-pitying. DWIGHT (to himself) Need more time. Need more time. (then) Okay Michael. Last question: What is the score. Repeat: what is the score. MICHAEL (V.O.) I don't know because Packer and I got kicked out. DWIGHT Packer? Kicked out? MICHAEL (V.O.) Yes. Packer. Kicked out. Dwight writes "PACKER" on the notepad, next to "kicked out." A look of sudden understanding. DWIGHT Thank you, Michael. That's all the information I need. (beat; then) Don't wait for a home run, Michael. Repeat:don't wait for a home run. He closes the phone. DWIGHT (CONT'D) I'm sorry Jan. I have falsely accused you. Now - could you get me a phone book please? JAN Huh? DWIGHT Let's just say I have reason to believe Todd Packer's grandfather is involved. EXT. PHILLIES STADIUM - D1 Michael takes the phone and mashes against into his forehead. MICHAEL Aaaaarrgghhhh! INT. OFFICE - CONFERENCE ROOM - D1 Ryan sits across from Jim at the conference room table. JIM I'm sorry. I really have no good explanation other than to say that it's totally my fault. I felt the rest of the office needed a day off, just like Michael. RYAN Okay. That's all you have to say? Jim nods. RYAN (CONTD) Okay. Thanks, Jim. RYAN TALKING HEAD RYAN (CONTD) Jim's a really nice guy. (beat, then) That's why he'll never work in corporate. INT. OFFICE - LATER - D1 Michael walks in, glum. Still in his Ferris clothes. Everyone glances around nervously. 0002000008EB000078118E5,JIM Hey Michael. Michael doesn't say anything. He trudges past Pam's desk towards his office. PAM Hey Michael. Michael goes into his office and shuts the door. Jim and Pam look at each other. INT. KITCHEN - D1 Kevin is sitting at the table, eating a snack. Phyllis walks in. Kevin watches her intently as she makes a purchase from the vending machine. He's trying to get a peek at her tattoo, but it's covered by her blouse. Kevin stands. He walks up to Phyllis and purposely drops a yogurt lid at her feet. KEVIN (bad acting) Oh, no. I dropped my yogurt lid and my back is hurting me. PHYLLIS (totally buying it) Oh - I'll get for you. Her blouse comes up a little as she bends to get it. Kevin tries to get a look at the tattoo but she's turned sideways to him, so he can't get a good angle. Phyllis comes back up with the yogurt lid, almost knocking heads with him. KEVIN Thank you. PHYLLIS You're welcome. As she walks out of the kitchen the tattoo is partially exposed but she tugs her blouse down before Kevin can see. INT. ACCOUNTING AREA - CONTINUOUS - D1 Kelly, Toby, Angela and Oscar await Kevin's return with the news. Creed listens in from his desk. KEVIN (quietly, as he approaches them) I couldn't get a good look at it! They slump in disappointment. EXT. MICHAEL'S FRONT YARD - D1 Dwight, pencil in mouth, another tucked behind an ear, has run a piece of thread from the porch to the area where the cocktail glass landed. Hes using a protractor to measure the angle of the glass's fall. INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1 Michael gazes ruefully at his computer screen. MICHAEL (drone) Eh battah battah sah-wing batta. Eh batta batta... A view of his computer screen shows he's watching the part from Ferris Bueller's where they're at the baseball game - Cameron and Ferris are saying these lines. Michael plays it over and over again. He clicks his mouse. A new scene comes on. It's the part where Ferris is on the float, singing twist and shout. MICHAEL (CONTD) (singing; still droneish and sulky) Well shake it up baby now. Twist and shout. Come on come on come on come on baby now. (shakes shoulders a little) Come on and work it on out. Pam comes in. PAM Michael, there's a call from- MICHAEL No calls, please. Not interested. 000200000A3E000080F6A38,No interresado. Pam watches him with concern. MICHAEL (CONT'D) (gazing at screen) Come on baby now... PAM Okay. Pam leaves. INT. OFFICE - PAM'S DESK AREA - A LITTLE LATER - D1 Pam gazes into Michael's office from her desk. She sees him slumped, fists pressed into cheeks, muttering something. She's worried. Jim sees it, too. They exchange a concerned glance. Jim sidles up. They're watching Michael through his Venetian blinds. PAM (CONTD) He's been like this for an hour now. JIM Maybe we should do something. PAM (thinks, then) I think I know. INT. OFFICE - PHYLLIS'S DESK - D1 Angela sidles up holding a few pieces of paper. ANGELA Phyllis? I need your opinion on something. PHYLLIS Oh. Sure. On what? ANGELA Well - it has to do with the birthdays coming up. Which color do you think is better for the theme? Angela places the two pieces of colored paper on Phyllis's desk in such a way that Phyllis has to lean way forward to see them. At the same time, Kevin walks by and gets a good look at the tattoo. This time he really sees it, although the viewers don't see it. Kevin is shocked by what he sees. He looks at the camera, eyes bugging. Then he continues walking. PHYLLIS (to Angela) I like this one. ANGELA (civility gone; knows the real mission is already complete) Ucht...I knew you'd go for the uglier one. That's why I'm party chairman. Angela walks away. Phyllis shoots a hurt glance to the camera. KEVIN TALKING HEAD KEVIN I can tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. Kevin stands, leans off camera and whispers something to someone on the camera crew. When he comes back into view he nods. KEVIN (CONT'D) I'm totally serious. INT. OFFICE - D1 Jim comes in wheeling a karaoke machine. Pam gets up from her desk, claps quietly. Then she goes over to Angela, has a word with her. Angela seems reluctant to do whatever it is Pam is asking of her, but finally nods. Pam claps, goes to Meredith's desk. INT. KITCHEN - D1 Oscar, Angela, Toby, Stanley, Creed, and Kelly are sitting at one of tables. Kevin comes in. Immediately everyone turns their attention to him. KELLY (loud whisper) So? What is it? KEVIN Not telling. OSCAR What? STANLEY I knew we couldn't trust him. KEVIN Okay I'll tell you. But you have to pay me. Oscar gets up. OSCAR This is ridiculous. I'm just going to ask her. Kevin watches Oscar start to leave. KEVIN No! Wait! Okay. I'll tell you. Everyone gathers around - anxious. INT. OFFICE - A LITTLE LATER - D1 A FLOWER MAN arrives with a huge bouquet. Goes to Pam's desk. FLOWER MAN Flowers for... (reads name on tag) 00020000056E00008B2E568,Ferris Bueller? PAM Yes. I'll take them. He leaves the flowers on her desk. FLOWER MAN Thank you. PAM Thank you. Pam gets up. Motions for everyone in the office to go down to the warehouse. Everyone files out very quietly. INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - D1 Michael stares blankly at his desk. Pam knocks. MICHAEL (glum) Come in. Pam enters with bouquet. PAM These just came for you. Michael glances at camera, smiles a little. Pam sets them on his desk. Michael take a big sniff of the bouquet. Then, he notices the card and opens it: MICHAEL (reading) Get well soon Ferris. Love, the City of Scranton. Michael smiles wanly at the camera. PAM And there's more! People are waiting for you in the warehouse, Michael. There seems to be some kind of parade going on? Michael looks at the camera, smiles. INT. WAREHOUSE - A LITTLE LATER - D1 Everyone seated in rows of folding chairs. A makeshift float/stage has been constructed out of boxes. Michael is on the float with the karaoke machine, flanked by Pam and Phyllis on one side, Meredith and Angela on the other. The Beatles version of Twist and Shout is playing. MICHAEL (singing into microphone) Well shake it up baby now! Phyllis/ANGELA/MEREDITH/PAM Shake it up baby. MICHAEL Twist and shout! Phyllis/ANGELA/MEREDITH/PAM Twist and shout. MICHAEL Come on come on come on baby now! Phyllis/ANGELA/MEREDITH/PAM 00020000089E00009096898,Come on baby. MICHAEL Come on and work it on out. Phyllis/ANGELA/MEREDITH/PAM Work it on out. As Michael continues singing: MICHAEL (V.O.) So today, in the end, I got to be Ferris Bueller. (beat) But I also realized something else... MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL (CONTD) ...I get to be Ferris Bueller every day. (beat) I am the real life Ferris Bueller! I am all about having fun. And making sure others around me have fun. And doing wild and crazy things to keep people entertained. And that's what Ferris is all about. (beat) Not a bad life I must say, being the real Ferris Bueller. PHYLLIS TALKING HEAD Phyllis Oh my god. Oh, no. (looks down, gathers herself) I was drunk. That's my first excuse. And yes - Michael was my boyfriend at the time. It was almost the end of high school. And I got this dumb tattoo which I need to get removed, but Im terrified of surgery of any kind. (deep breath) Okay. She turns around, lifts up her blouse. The tattoo is: Phyllis (heart) Michael Scott. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD Michael laughs uncomfortably. MICHAEL Oh, no! Oh that's funny. That's great. Ohhh God. So they finally found out about that huh? Ha ha! Classic! What can I say? She was madly in love with me. And a lot thinner. Definitely a lot thinner. Pretty hot, actually. But I uhh... (thinks, then) How do I put this? I needed to move on. I had a lot on my plate, you know? Greater ambitions: my career, other girls. It was hard to do, but I had to break it off, had to... (beat, then) ...and I think Phyllis is a better person for that today. PAM TALKING HEAD Pam can't get any words out. She's open-mouthed, wide-eyed. She tries, but can't speak. Finally... PAM Oh god. She looks like she's gonna be sick. She puts her hand over her mouth and runs off. EXT. MICHAEL'S FRONT YARD - LATER - D1 Dwight is falling asleep on Michael's front steps. Michael pulls into the driveway. Gets out. Dwight blinks awake. DWIGHT Michael! Runs over and hugs him. Pulls back, examines his Ferris clothes. DWIGHT (CONT'D) Oh my god what did they do to you? Where are your clothes? End of show 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