MAN OF A THOUSAND MASKS
by
Christopher Reid

Revision, May 2006
Copyright © 2006
Christopher Reid
FADE IN:
EXT. STREET - DAY
It's about 10am in sunny Stockton California.
A man of average height with a stocky build is walking up a quiet suburban street, carrying a bottle of milk and a newspaper. His short black hair has a rather pronounced widow's peak and he wears a black t-shirt and three quarter length denim pants. His name is Marty (33).
He stops at the front of a house and looks at it for a moment.
He sighs and walks up to the front door and knocks.
The door opens and KEV (38) a large, angry looking, biker type stands there towering over Marty. Even though he's balding on top, his hair reaches the middle of his back and he has a three day growth. He's wearing a faded Stone Cold Steve Austin t-shirt and black track suit pants.
Under one of his tattooed arms he has a box of empty beer bottles and other remnants from a party the night before.
MARTY
(nervously)
Hi Kev.
KEV
(abruptly)
What the fuck do you want Marty?
Marty nervously takes a deep breath and continues.
MARTY
It's about last night and the party you had.
KEV
(defensively)
Yeah what about it? You're here to whine about the noise again are you?
Kev leans in towards Marty with an intense look on his face.
MARTY
(nervously)
It wasn't the noise Kev. 
KEV
(abruptly)
Good.
MARTY
No. no it wasn't the noise.  It's...  Um...one of your friends threw up in my fish pond and another one of them urinated in it and (interrupted)
KEV
(indignantly)
Hang on just a God dam minute. What kind of people do you think I hang around with?
(Pause)
And how do you know these people that "supposedly" had a chuck and a piss in your pond came from here.
MARTY
Well, I was in my room watching them and then they walked back into your place.
KEV
What? A guy flops his cock out to take a piss and you just stood there watching him. What are you some kind of fucking pervert?
(Pause)
Do you want to know what, I think you should get the hell off my property before I kick your ass.
Marty holds his hands up and nods apologetically.
MARTY
Yeah, I hear what you're...
Kev slams the door shut. Marty stands there for a moment and then walks away.
INT. MARTY'S HOUSE - DAY
Marty walks through the front door, with a handful of envelopes. He walks into his study and sifts through them.
MARTY
Phone, electricity, credit card--
(alarmed)
Disconnection notice.  What the?
He tosses the bills on the desk next to his computer. He sits down and logs on to Simply Scripts.
His cursor clicks on to the member centre icon. He reads out aloud.
MARTY
(sarcastically)
You have no private messages. Huh, what a surprise.
He stares at his avatar for a moment. The avatar is a picture of his user name is creatively titled Marty
MARTY
(bemused)
It's time for a change.
Marty logs on to Google. He clicks the image button and types Takeshi Kitano. A bunch of Takeshi Kitano pictures appear. He clicks on one, he then goes back into simply scripts and loads the picture on to his avatar.
MARTY
I wish I could change myself as easily as I could change my freaking avatar.
Marty walks away from the computer.
Revealing the screen and his new avatar which is a picture of Takeshi Kitano.
TAKESHI (O.S.)
(Japanese accent)
What the fuck!

INT. BATHROOM  DAY
Marty now the spitting image of Takeshi KITANO, stares at the mirror in total shock
TAKESHI
This can't be happening. And what's with my voice? I even sound like Val Kilmer.
Takeshi continues to stare at himself from every conceivable angle. He even starts pulling on his cheeks to make sure they're real.
TAKESHI
Is this a fucking dream?
He turns on his bathroom tap and begins splashing his face with water.
He looks at the mirror again. He is still
Takeshi. He turns the tap on full blast and sticks his head underneath it. He sticks his head up again. He's saturated, but still Takeshi.
TAKESHI
I know what happened. I went over to Kev's to complain and he's cracked me one. Yeah that's it, I'm concussed.
INT. LOUNGE - DAY
Takeshi walks up to the lounge room window and peels back the curtain.
He looks at Kev's house, which is directly across the road from his house, he sees Kev standing on his front lawn scratching his ass.
Takeshi drops the curtain and walks outside
EXT. STREET - DAY
Takeshi walks over to Kev who is still standing on his front lawn.

TAKESHI
Hey, Kev you didn't belt me before did you?
KEV
Who the fuck are you?
TAKESHI
It's me Marty. Don't you recognize me?
Kev gives Takeshi a look of disdain.
KEV
Get the fuck out of here china man, or I will belt ya.
Takeshi shakes his head and walks away looking confused.
INT. LOUNGE - DAY
Takeshi walks in and sits on the couch.
TAKESHI
(Japanese accent)
I need a reality check.
Takeshi picks up the phone and dials.
INT. EDEN'S LOUNGE - DAY
Takeshi picks up the phone and dials.
EDEN (27) sits on his couch watching TV in a white flannel dressing gown.
His dyed orange hair is sticking up all over the place and he looks like he has done little more than get out of bed.
His cordless phone rings he picks up the TV remote and turns it off and then he picks up the phone.
INTERCUT: 
EDEN
Hello.
TAKESHI
Eden it's Marty.
EDEN
(confused)
What's wrong with your voice man? You sound so... so... Japanese.
TAKESHI
You are not going to believe this. I just changed my avatar on my computer and I went from being me to being Takeshi Kitano. Is that fucking nuts or what?
EDEN
Oh, so you know how to change avatars, congratulations Marty, my 9 year niece can do that.
TAKESHI
No, no, you don't understand. When I turned my avatar into Takeshi Kitano, I actually, physically turned into him.
EDEN
(excited)
You did what? Dude that's amazing!
TAKESHI
Yeah, yeah, I know. I don't know if it's the computer or the website that's doing it, but it's doing it. You've gotta get over here and check it out.
EDEN
(excited)
Wow. Man I've heard of these types of things happening before. They're caused by super viruses. Man this is so fucking Boss. I'll be over in 10 minutes.
TAKESHI
(smiles)
I'll see you then. Hey, I'll turn myself into Hillary Swank and we can play with her tits.
EDEN
Excellent. See you soon.
Eden puts the phone down.
END INTERCUT:
INT. EDEN'S LOUNGE - DAY
EDEN
(mildly disturbed)
Whack job!
He slouches into his seat, picks up the remote and turns the TV back on.
INT. LOUNGE - DAY
TAKESHI
(excited)
This is so cool.
Takeshi paces up and down in his study. Then remembers what he was going to do.
TAKESHI
Oh yeah that's right. Hilary Swank.
Takeshi sits down and writes Hilary in his Google search engine, but then stops.
A sly smile creeps across his face. He deletes Hilary and types in Chuck Norris.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Kev is on his nature strip putting rubbish in the bin. He looks up and sees CHUCK NORRIS, walking towards him in shorts and a tank top. Chuck stops three feet away from him and just stares.
KEV
Can I help you or are you just looking?
Chuck stares for a moment longer and finally speaks.

CHUCK
My friend Marty says, that some of your animal friends pissed and threw up in his fish pond. Now you're gonna clean it up.
KEV
Is that so? Well you can go and...
CHUCK
(loud)
Hey!
(then normal)
If I wanted your opinion I'd beat it out of you. Now fetch your bucket and gloves...
Kev smirks and nods his head.
He walks over to Chuck and takes a swing at him. Chuck repels him with two quick punches to the head, Kev staggers back and then Chuck lets fly with a roundhouse kick, Kev launches four feet into the air and crashes down on to his rubbish bins.
He tries to get up, but falls back down on the garbage heap.
Chuck walks over to him and looks down.
CHUCK
You have until sundown to clean the pond.
Kev raises his head about two inches.
KEV
Yes, Sir.
Kev's head flops back on to the garbage.
Chuck turns around and walks away.
INT. STUDY - DAY
The cursor flashes inside the Google search engine on a Monitor screen.
Chuck sits at his computer and stares at the screen.
CHUCK (V.O.)
I can be anyone, which means I can do anything. But who should I be and what should I do? Chuck looks at the bills beside his computer. He turns his attention back to his computer.
The cursor flashes inside the Google search engine. Marty types Quentin Tarantino into the search engine.
INT. BANK - DAY
QUENTIN TARANTINO walks into a bank and brandishes a hand gun. He is wearing a black "Reservoir Dogs" style suit and sunglasses
QUENTIN
(yells)
Already, I mean alright, everybody freeze, this is a robbery!
He surveys the room.
QUENTIN
Okay, everybody on the ground. Face down!
Everybody except one guy hits the deck.
GUY
How can I freeze and get on the ground at the same time?
Quentin gives him a look of disdain and pistol whips him to the floor.
QUENTIN
That's how.
He gives the guy a kick for good measure. Quentin walks up to counter and tosses the cashier a bag.
QUENTIN
Fill it up, before I blow your head off!
A young guy lying face down the floor looks up at Quentin and then turns to the person lying next to him.
YOUNG GUY
(whispers)
That's Quentin Tarantino.
The cashier throws Quentin the money and he takes off.
EXT. STREET - DAY
As Quentin comes out of the bank a police car with sirens wailing is already racing down the street at top speed.
Quentin turns and starts running.
He runs down the busy street, dodging and weaving people until he gets to the top of an alley.
He stops has a quick look over his shoulder and then sprints down the alley to a wire fence, which he begins to climb.
The police car screeches to a halt at the top of the alley and one of the cops jumps out in pursuit. The car takes off as the driver heads around the block to try and cut him off.
Quentin gets over the fence and hits the deck running.
Moments later the cop clears the fence and continues chasing him.
Quentin runs out of the alley and spots a public library, he sprints across the road and goes inside.
The cop who is on foot runs out of the alley and heads towards the library.
The police car screeches to halt out the front of the library and the second cop gets out.
COP 1
(out of breath)
I'm pretty sure he went in there.
COP 2
Let's go.
They head in.

INT. LIBRARY - DAY
Quentin looks around the library for a back exit or somewhere to hide.
The librarians watch him wondering what he's up to. They talk amongst themselves and glance at him whilst they do.
Quentin spots an empty cubicle with a computer in it.
QUENTIN
(smiles)
Bingo.
He rushes over to the computer and begins typing.
He quickly glances over the top of the cubicle wall and spots the two cops talking to the librarians. One of the librarians points towards the cubicle that Quentin is in.
He ducks and continues typing.
The Google cursor flashes on the monitor screen, awaiting Quentin's command. He types in Simply Scripts.
He quickly glances over the cubicle wall again and sees the two cops slowly advancing towards the cubicle with guns drawn. The library patrons evacuate the library.
Quentin turns his attention back to the computer. His Simply Scripts member's page appears on the screen, he hits the discussion option and then goes to the member centre, where he selects avatar.
The cops are within ten feet of the cubicle with their guns aimed straight at it.
COP #1
Alright, we know you're in the cubicle. Come out with your hands up!
The cursor clicks on the avatar save button on the monitor screen.
COP #1
(yells)
This is your last warning come out now or we'll shoot!
YOUNG GIRL (O.S.)
Please don't shoot.
Cops 1 and 2 exchange confused looks.
An l1 y/o girl who looks a lot like DAKOTA FANNING steps out from behind the cubicle with her hands up. The cops lower their guns.
COP #1
Shit, did you see a tall guy in a black suit?
DAKOTA
No.
COP #2
(to cop 1)
He's gotta be in here somewhere.
COP #1
You have to get out of here kid. Quick, run to the exit.
The cops take off.
Dakota grabs the bag fall of money from the cubicle and skips towards the exit smiling.
INT. HOUSE - NIGHT
Marty sits on the couch with a beer in his hand, watching the evening news.
NEWSREADER (O.S.)
And in other news Director Quentin Tarantino has been taken in for questioning over an armed robbery in Stockton this afternoon.
MARTY
(laughs)
Your mouth ain't talking your ass out of this one Quentin.
Marty looks at the notice board next to his TV. An invitation stuck on the board grabs his attention he walks to the board to look at it. It's an invitation to a Bad Taste Ball.
MARTY
(alarmed)
My god that's tonight. What am I gonna wear?
Marty smirks as he realizes it's not going to be a problem.
INT. STUDY - NIGHT
Marty sits in front of the computer with the Google search engine on the monitor ready to roll.
Marty stares at the screen for a moment and then a smile creeps across his face as he types in Osama Bin Laden.
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
A little later, Marty now OSAMA BIN LADEN, checks himself out in the mirror.
He's dressed in green military fatigues and has a white Taqiyah on his head.
OSAMA
(Saudi accent)
Most wanted man in the world, Pah, you're not that good looking.
He turns out the light as he walks out.
INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT
A crowd of about 200 people are line dancing to Billy Ray Cyrus's Achey Breaky Heart at the Bad Taste Ball.  Many are dressed in outfits that are made up of horribly loud some are in 80's garb like early CYNDI LAUPER and MADONNA. And of course there are few PREGNANT NUNS.
The M.C. is a woman dressed as ADOLF HITLER who is accompanied by her husband who is dressed to look like EVA BRAUN.
Marty (in the guise of Osama bin Laden) is knocking back a few by the bar and chatting with a guy who is wearing a: white safari suit, with long white socks and sandals.

SAFARI GUY
Dude, that's a wild outfit. You look exactly like Bin Laden. That has to be a mask.
SAFARI GUY tries to touch Osama's face, but Osama slaps it away.
OSAMA
(sternly)
Do not touch my face infidel.
Safari Guy shrugs his shoulders and walks away.
The M.C. walks into the centre of the room and stands on a coffee table with a trophy in one hand. His assistant Eva Braun stands by his side.

HITLER
(yells with German accent)
Achtung, achtung
The music stops as does the crowd noise. Hitler addresses the party.
HITLER
Now it is time to announce the winner of the best costume for this Year's Bad Taste Ball.
The crowd cheers and applauds.
Hitler turns to Eva and she passes him an envelope, which he opens.
HITLER
And the winner is... Osama bin Laden!
A spotlight lands on Osama. He raises his arms in triumph.
Nearly everybody cheers and claps, a couple of people boo.
Osama walks up to collect his trophy. He turns to address the crowd.
OSAMA
(smiling)
Thank you. Thank you infidels.
He holds the trophy up as a salute to the crowd.
EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT
A black Mercedes Benz pulls up at the front of Osama's house. The back driver's side door opens and Osama staggers out with a bottle of whisky in one hand and his trophy in the other. The car full of party goers are laughing and carrying on inside the car.
Osama, who looks a bit wobbly due to his drunken state, shuts the back door and turns to go.
The driver's side window comes down and Hitler calls out to him.
HITLER
(no accent)
Hey, I'll see ya at the next one Ozzie. It's too bad about Cyndi (MORE)
HITLER (CONT’D)
Lauper, I thought you were on to a sure thing there.
OSAMA
(slurred)
Oh, that's Okay I'll turn myself into Brad Pitt tomorrow and get laid for sure.
HITLER
(laughing)
That's the spirit. Alla al akbar.
OSAMA
Sieg Heil...
Osama attempts to salute with the whiskey bottle in his hand, but as he raises his arm the bottle slips out of his hand and smashes on the road.
OSAMA
Ah, fuck it!
Hitler drives away laughing.
Osama staggers towards his front door.
INT. HOUSE - NIGHT
Osama staggers past his study door and stops as he notices his computer still on.
He walks in and looks at his computer monitor and it still logged on to Simply Scripts with the Osama bin Laden avatar still visible.
He sits down in front of the computer and is about to turn it off when he notices he has a private message.
OSAMA
What's this?
He clicks on the message. It's from Wesley. He clicks on the title which says "It has to go" and the message appears on the screen. Osama reads it out aloud.
OSAMA
(quoting)
One of the rules here at Simply Scripts is that we don't use names that may offend people and that extends to using avatars that may
(MORE)
OSAMA (CONT’)
By using an avatar of Osama bin Laden you have already offended a number of members. Luckily for you, Don is away on vacation but he's back tomorrow. If I were you, I would remove the offending avatar before he returns.
Osama smirks and then clicks on reply. He talks out aloud as he types.
OSAMA
Dear Wes, fuck you and the horse you rode in on. The avatar stays. Love Ozzie.
Osama gets up and staggers off to bed.
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
It is morning. 
Osama, still wearing his clothes from the night before, is sprawled out on top of his bed. The front of his pants sports a wet patch. He groans as he begins to stir.
OSAMA
(wearily)
Oh, fuck me what a night.
He reaches over to his bedside table and grabs a cigarette and a lighter. He tries to ignite the lighter but it won't work. He tosses it across the room and gingerly gets up.
He shuffles into the bathroom muttering.
From outside the bathroom the sound of Osama having a long piss can be heard, the odd fart and extraction of chest phlegm can be heard as well. The toilet flushes and Osama slowly shuffles out of the bathroom and walks into the kitchen.
He opens the fridge and grabs a milk carton, he shakes it and realizes that it's empty.
OSAMA
You're shitting me.
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
Osama still decked out in the same clothes he woke up in (wet patch and all), walks up to the dairy cabinet and picks up two litres of milk.
As he walks toward the check-out people stare at him and talk about him amongst themselves, obviously recognizing him as Osama bin Laden.
Osama notices everybody looking at him.
OSAMA
What?
He looks down at the wet patch on his pants.
OSAMA
Oh that. Yeah, I spilt my tea.
He walks up to the check-out and notices the morning papers sitting on the check out counter.
On the front page is a mug shot of Quentin Tarantino with a prisoner ID plaque hanging from his neck.
The headline reads: SAN QUENTIN.
Osama smirks and picks grabs a copy of the newspaper.
He turns to the Chinese shop keeper, who looks terrified.
OSAMA
(smiles)
Hi Mang, just the milk and paper thanks.
They complete the transaction and Osama walks away.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Osama walks up the street sculling the milk from the bottle with such vigor that it pours down the sides of his mouth.
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
He arrives at his house and walks in.
Just as he goes inside a car pulls up at the front, it's one of the customers from the convenience store. He takes out his cell phone and dials.
INT. HOUSE - DAY
Later, Osama sits on his couch reading the paper and drinking coffee.
A voice on an outside megaphone breaks the silence.

SWAT COMMANDER (O.S.)
(on a megaphone)
Bin Laden. The place is surrounded. Come out with your hands up.
Osama springs off the couch, his coffee and the news paper go flying.
He looks out the house.
The house is surrounded by heavily armed SWAT members who have their M16s and sniper rifles aimed at his house.
OSAMA
Shit, I'm still Bin Laden.
He rushes into his study and jumps on the computer. He clicks on favorites up on the screen and hits simply scripts.
The Simply Scripts home page appears. He hits the discussion option, but instead of getting the discussion board. The screen reads you have been banned from this site.
OSAMA
(screams)
Damn you Simply Scripts, damn you to...
A tear gas canister smashes through the window and the room begins to fill with smoke. The sounds of smashing windows and breaking glass are coming from everywhere.
SWAT members wearing gas masks rush into the room with weapons drawn.
SWAT TEAM MEMBERS
(yelling)
Get down, get down, and put your hands behind your back.
The room fills with smoke, visibility is zero, but voices can still be heard.
SWAT GUY #1
(Southern accent)
We got you now boy.
SWAT GUY #2
(angrily)
Shoot the son of a bitch.

INT. PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY
The press core has gathered and sits in a conference room waiting for a speaker to approach the podium. A loud cheer goes up as Californian Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger walks on to the stage and approaches the podium.
He surveys the crowd and let's out a deep breath.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
We got him.
The press responds with thunderous cheers and applause.
FADE OUT:
THE END