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THE LUNCHROOM Episode Five "Home Is Where the War Is" Written by Alan Holman & Bruce Snyder Created by Bruce Snyder EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Bruce Snyder EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Vincent Biga STORY EDITOR Melinda Waterman CONSULTING PRODUCER Edward Drogos CONSULTING PRODUCER Max Majernik CAST LIST Will Cooper................................. Joel Mayberry............................... Brian Vandele............................... Brock Warner................................ Reicther.................................... Casey Jennings.............................. Chris Hughes................................ Stacy Cifaretto............................. Ellen Conner................................ Cathy Phenis................................ Mr. John Parker............................. GUEST CAST LIST Joseph Said................................. Brandon Brim................................ Kirk Hoey................................... Principal Stevens........................... Dr. Richard Gorman.......................... Ms. Diane Ballard........................... Jesus....................................... Copyright © Bruce Snyder TEASER FADE IN: INT. GEOGRAPHY CLASS - DAY Reicther talks with an Iraqi boy named JOSEPH SAID, 15 medium height light brown skin, at the back of the classroom. REICTHER So you're from Iraq? JOSEPH Yes. REICTHER What's that like? JOSEPH It's home. REICTHER Do you like it in Iraq? JOSEPH Yes. REICTHER Will you ever go back to Iraq? JOSEPH Yes. REICTHER Even though we bombed the bajesus out of your country? JOSEPH When I return, I will join the army, and re-build. REICTHER (sarcastic) And bomb the bajesus out of America? JOSEPH No. REICTHER That's good. Why would you join the army anyway? JOSEPH I must do it. REICTHER Why? Are you being forced into it, or something? JOSEPH You could say that. REICTHER You could get shot. JOSEPH What? REICTHER Someone might shoot you. Joseph gets a look like he's never even considered that. JOSEPH Leave me alone. REICTHER Okay. Sure. I'll leave you alone. My country's better than your country anyway. JOSEPH Is not. REICTHER Is so. JOSEPH Is not. REICTHER Is so. JOSEPH Is not. REICTHER Is so. JOSEPH Is not. REICTHER Is so. Joseph stands up, and walks away. REICTHER (snickers) Wimp. CUT TO: OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE: Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the credits. AFTER CREDITS: INT. LUNCHROOM - DAY TITLE CARD: "Monday" There are DOZENS of people in the lunchroom, setting up BOOTHS. Some of the Booths read: "Stages of Woman Hood" "Get Your Hearting Tested" "Blood Pressure Hazards." Basically all the booths contain something about health. STEVENS (O.S.) (over P.A.) Good morning, Centerville High school students. This is Principal Stevens here to remind you that this is Indiana Health Week. So there will be booths in the lunchroom all week and students are highly encouraged to visit them. Also there be some fitness booths in the gym and this year Reid Hospital will be offering Bird Flu shots in the Nurse's office, courtesy of Dr. Gorman. That will be all. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - MORNING MR. JOHN PARKER and MS. DIANE BALLARD are standing to one side of the hallway. Beside them there is a sign which reads, "Sex Survey." Dozens of students are walking up to it, taking a survey, then walking away. Parker seems depressed. PARKER All those years in college... thousands of dollars...just hand out sex surveys. (pause) My mother would be proud. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY BRIAN VANDELE and BRANDON BRIM are standing in the middle of an empty hallway. Brandon has a digital camera in his hands which he is fiddling with. BRANDON All right, now...I want you to pretend to walk...and then, act like you're talking to someone. Brian seems confused. BRIAN Why? BRANDON To show the daily day to day activities of youth in small town, a town that hopes and dreams have diminished that only power of God can help them. Brian seems confused. BRIAN (faking) Oh! I get it know. Brandon takes some pictures. Suddenly CASEY JENNINGS and BROCK WARNER turn the corner. We notice that the eye patch Casey use to wear is now gone. CASEY What's so horrible about living with me? Brock sighs. BROCK I didn't say horrible. Just... "weird." BRIAN Hey, guys. BROCK Hey. CASEY Brian, do you think I'm hard to live with? BRIAN Uh, what do you mean? CASEY Brock is considering moving out. BRIAN What? BROCK Well since I couldn't live with Reicther I moved in with Casey and well...I'm not sure If I want to live there anymore. CASEY He won't he even tell me why! Both turn to see Brandon, who seems a bit awkward to be seeing this. BRIAN Guys this is my friend, Brandon Brim. He's the president of the Art Club. (points) Brandon this is Casey Jennings and Brock Warner. CASEY & BROCK Hi. BRANDON Hello. Uh, Brian we're pretty much done for now. BRIAN Okay. I'll see you tomorrow after school. BRANDON Cool. See you then. Goodbye, Casey and Brock. Brian, Casey, and Brock begin to walk away. BRANDON Christ be with you. Casey and Brock stop, confused. Casey turns back to Brandon, puzzled. CASEY What? BRANDON Christ be with you. Still puzzled Casey nods his head and turns. CASEY (to himself) That was odd. He, along with Brock, begin to walk away. They manage to catch up with Brian. CASEY What's up with this guy, Brim? BROCK Seems a bit odd. BRIAN He's really religious. He's a youth minister. He wants to go to this Religious College to study theology. CASEY Kinda surprised he's friends with you. What with the swearing and all. BRIAN Fuck you Casey. CASEY See. Brian shrugs it off. BRIAN I don't know why, but he's really a cool guy. And he says he likes the idea of mentoring someone younger. BROCK That's what the priests said about the little boys. BRIAN Will you guys just can that shit. Brian walks off. CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK - AFTER SCHOOL Joseph is walking down the sidewalk, with his hands deep inside his pockets. He is staring down, deep in thought. JOSEPH (V/O) Is my country really that bad? (pause) No, that stupid American boy was just probably trying to scare me. Joseph comes to a NEWSTAND. He stops and begins to take a look around. He stops and his eyes get big. CLOSE UP ON NEWSPAPER #1: It reads: "4 Cities Bombed in Iraq; 51 Killed." CLOSE UP ON NEWSPAPER #2: It reads: "Destroyed Homes in Iraq: An Increasing Problem." CLOSE UP ON NEWSPAPER #3: It reads: "The Shit Hits the Fan for Iraq." After reading this headlines, Joseph sighs and begins to walk away. JOSEPH (V/O) So what. I'm sure those magazines are just exaggerating. Joseph continues to walk until he stops in front of a TV store. All of the TVís are showing news stories about Iraq. All of the footage seems to be of bad things: destruction of homes, people getting pushed around by soldiers, explosions. Joseph watches, terrified. He then walks away with his eyes wide open. CUT TO: INT. OFFICER - WAITING ROOM - DAY TITLE CARD: "Tuesday." Casey and Brock are sitting next to a door, that has a sign which reads "Bird Flu Vaccines." CASEY Brock? BROCK Yes. CASEY You ever heard that saying "god hates fags?" BROCK (a bit annoyed) Yes. CASEY Do you think he also hates metrosexuals and bisexuals? Brock begins to give him a long, hard look. Suddenly STACY CIFARETTO comes out rubbing her arm. BROCK How was it? STACY It was a shot. How do you think it felt? It stung like hell. She leaves holding her arm. The door opens again and DR. RICHARD GORMAN comes out. GORMAN Okay, who's next? (to Casey) How about you? CASEY Is, um, it okay if I just skip the shot? Gorman's face turns into one of shock and horror. GORMAN Skip the shot? CASEY Yeah. I mean no one around here really gets the bird flu. It's not that important. Gorman stares at him with his mouth wide open. GORMAN You ignorant little son of bitch! Not important!? Do you even know what the bird flu is?! BROCK Flu from a bird? GORMAN Well...yeah. But still, this isn't any normal flu. This flu can get into your immune system and easily KILL YOU! Casey jumps. Brock gives him a look. CASEY Sorry, but he was being dramatic. KIRK HOEY, a pothead, enters the waiting room. He seems a bit dizzy. Suddenly, he passes out. Gorman rushes over to him. GORMAN Boy, are you all right? KIRK Having a hard time...breathing. GORMAN Oh sweet chocolate Christ! CASEY What? GORMAN Breathing troubles are the first sing of the bird flu. BROCK (annoyed) Oh for God's shake. GORMAN (to Kirk) Now son...I want you to describe everything your feeling. KIRK I feel like I'm running millions of miles but not moving at all...at the same time. Brock and Casey seem confused. GORMAN Delusion. Sign number two. BROCK You know...he's pretty much a walking drug store. I think he may very will just be having a bad reaction to it. Gorman laughs at him. GORMAN You religious people and your excuses. BROCK (confused) What? KIRK I'm getting cold! GORMAN Wait right there son! Gorman gets up. CASEY Where are you going? GORMAN I'm going to saved to this boy's life. He runs off. STACY Aw, that's cute. He thinks he's important. Kirk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a RED PILL he swallows it and after a few seconds a look of relieve comes across his face. KIRK All better. CUT TO: EXT. REICTHER HOME - AFTER SCHOOL Reicther walks up to his doorway. He opens the door and enters. INT. REICTHER HOME - KITCHEN - MINUTES LATER Reicther enters and lets out a sigh of tiredness. He walks toward the refrigerator. By this time, we notice JOSEPH sitting on the counter. He is eating a bag a chips. JOSEPH You do not look good. You seem depressed. Reicther looks up. His mouth wide open. REICTHER How did you get in my house! JOSEPH Screen door was unlocked. Don't worry I locked it so nobody can get in. REICTHER Okay then...WHY are you in my house!? JOSEPH (off chips) Living the American dream. Reicther seems stunned. He closes his mouth, and quietly goes over to the phone. REICTHER What's the number for the police? JOSEPH 911. REICTHER Hmm...They may be busy. JOSEPH Wait! There's no need to call police. There's no crime going on here. REICTHER You broke into my house. JOSEPH Okay, maybe one - REICTHER You eating my food without my permission...that's stealing. JOSEPH Okay, okay. I get it. I fucked up. Slight pause. REICTHER What do you want Joseph? JOSEPH Well, I did have something to ask. REICTHER Which is? Joseph gets into a serious tone. JOSEPH I need you to hide me. REICTHER (confused) Hide you? JOSEPH Yes. In three days, I'm suppose to back to Iraq. At first, I was excited to return. But then, today you reminded about how bad it was over there. Reicther realizes what he's done. REICTHER Oops. JOSEPH Please! You've got to help me. Reicther seems uneasy. JOSEPH I'll be real quiet! I'll sleep in a tent in your woods. REICTHER Well, I guess since - JOSEPH PERFECT! And don't worry, I already set up tent up last night. I just came in to grab some food. Joseph grabs a bag of Oreos and two bags of chip from the counter and quickly leaves the room. Reicther seems a bit confused by this. CUT TO: INT. LUNCHROOM - BEFORE SCHOOL Title Card: "Wednesday." Will, Joel, Brian, Brock, Casey, Reicther, and Chris are sitting around the table filling out the sex survey. BROCK (reading) How often do you masturbate? Everyone begins to look at one another. CASEY Like in a day...or a week? BROCK I think week. Pause. JOEL (embarrassed) Probably...three times for me. BRIAN (under breath) Seven. CHRIS What? BRIAN Seven, okay! Ya' happy you British prick! CASEY Five. BROCK Two. CHRIS One. WILL What's seven times fourteen? JOEL Jesus! That much? WILL ...No. I'm trying to solve another question. Everyone "oh"'s. WILL What? You really think I do that 98 times a week? I would have a blood cut off to my brain if I did that. CASEY What about you Reicther? REICTHER Zero. JOEL Zero? WILL That's bullshit. REICTHER What? WILL There's studies saying that it's impossible to find a male who's never masturbated. REICTHER Well, I've just done the impossible. BRIAN Never? REICTHER Yep. CASEY No wonder. Look how weak his upper arm is. Everyone laughs. WILL I'm amazed, Reicther. You have a lot of control...that or we're just perverts. Chris shakes his head at some of the questions. CHRIS Look at some of these questions... How many sexual positions have you tried? BROCK (reading) Have you ever had a sexual attraction to someone of the opposite sex? CASEY (reading) When were your earliest experiences with the following: petting, necking, kissing, hugging? Will is looking off camera when he is suddenly hit with an idea. WILL Somebody give me an eraser. I'm going to put a fake name on this. JOEL Why? A smile comes across his face. WILL Because I plan on giving these guys the most disturbing reading of their lives. The bell rings and gang go their separate ways. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Reicther enters the hall and almost immediately stops. There is a POLICE OFFICER standing, talking with ELLEN CONNER. Reicther looks down and notices that the officer is holding a picture of Joseph. Ellen shakes her head and the officer leaves. Reicther approaches Ellen. REICTHER Um, what did that uh, officer want? ELLEN Didn't you hear? REICTHER Hear what? ELLEN Do you know the Iraq exchange student, Joseph? REICTHER Yeah. ELLEN He's gone missing. The police are searching all over town for him. REICTHER (scared) The police? ELLEN Yep. This is probably a major foreign affair problem. I wouldn't be surprised if the FBI start to snoop around here. Reicther's eyes get wide. REICTHER (even more scared) The...FBI? ELLEN Yeah. Or some form of higher government to find the asshole that took him. Ellen leaves Reicther by himself. Reicther continues to stand for a while and just stare off at nothing. He seems to be stricken with fear. REICTHER I...am so dead. FADE TO: INT. HALLWAY - LATER TITLE CARD: "Thursday." Will and Chris are walking toward the office. Will is filling out his fake sex survey. He starts to laugh over it. CHRIS I think your finding this a bit too funny, Will. WILL Oh, there's no such thing, Chris. Now which is more disturbing: sleeping with a mother or sleeping with a sister? Chris gives him a look. CHRIS I don't even have an opinion. Suddenly TWO BOYS quickly come up and push them out of the way. WILL Jeez. CHRIS People. They're so rude around here. They reach some doors and walk into the OFFICE. CUT TO: INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Will and Chris enter where there's about 25 DIFFERENT STUDENTS all gathered around. They're all talking, with most seeming scared and worried. CHRIS What's going on here? STUDENT #1 Didn't you hear? Someone got a case of the bird flu yesterday. Now everyone wants to get a shot. WILL Someone got the bird flu? STUDENT #1 Yeah. That guy. Student #1 points to Kirk's picture on the wall, which below it reads: "Beware. Contagious." WILL Well, that pretty much explains it. Suddenly, Dr. Gorman pops his head out from the door. GORMAN I hate to alarm everyone but we only have a few shot left. Panic starts to set. Everyone seems to talk at once. Mr. Parker emerges and tries to get everyone's attention. PARKER Hey! Hey! Everyone just calm down now. We're going to figure out a way to this in a very simple way. Pause. Everyone quiets down. PARKER Which is the teachers will get the last shots. Everyone seems to outraged and protests. PARKER Hey! This is should teach a very important lesson...which, um, YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE! Parker runs into the room leaving a very angry crowd. CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM - SAME Joel and CATHY PHENIS are sitting near the back. Joel is busy reading from the textbook. Next to him sits Cathy who is filling out the sex survey. Joel begins to lean over and we notice that Cathy is circling all the "yes"'s. Joel seems to be intrigued. He slowly tries to lean in more to get a better look. After a few seconds Cathy finally looks up and notices Joel. She quickly covers her answers. CATHY What are you doing? JOEL Um...nothing. The bell rings. Cathy smiles at him and begins to leave. Joel seems puzzled. JOEL Wait! He follows her. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Cathy leaves the room, while Joel right behind her. JOEL Were you messing with them? CATHY What do you mean? JOEL On your sex survey. I noticed you were circling a lot of the "yes" column. CATHY Yep. JOEL Well, you were just messing with them, right? As a big smile comes across her face as she remains silent. JOEL Don't do that, it makes me worried and nervous. CATHY I know. She walks off. CUT TO: INT. REICTHER HOME - KITCHEN - NIGHT Reicther is walking back and forth. He is in deep thought. Near by sitting at the counter, sits Joseph. He is eating a homemade pizza. JOSEPH And you know what else I don't get...this Tupac. He chews while thinking. JOSEPH Did he like record 8 records before he died or what? REICTHER Joseph, I'm getting really nervous about having you here. JOSEPH Is because I'm Iraqi? REICTHER No, it's actually the fact that the government is probably after you. JOSEPH I think you're a bit paranoid. Your watching too many "Sex Files." REICTHER Do you mean "X-Files?" JOSEPH That's what it's called? Reicther sighs. REICTHER Look, Joseph. I think I should just go downtown and tell them you're here. JOSEPH NO!!! Joseph lunges forward and holds on to Reicther's shoulders. JOSEPH For the love of G-d, you can't let me go back! I don't want to! Reicther still seems conflicted. JOSEPH Please! Just for another day or two and I'll got out on my own. Long pause. REICTHER Fine. But if FBI comes back, I'll throw you head first in their direction. Joseph takes a deep breath. JOSEPH Oh, thank you. You know if you were an ignorant white American I might call you my friend. REICTHER Um...thanks. I guess. Joseph goes back to the counter. REICTHER I need something to calm my nerves. Reicther walks over to the fridge and opens it. He begins to search the fridge as a puzzled look comes across his face. REICTHER Hey, where's my Apple Juice? Pause. JOSEPH I drank it. REICTHER Where's my left over bacon. Pause. JOSEPH I ate it. REICTHER Where's my special homemade piece of pie? Pause. JOSEPH Tried to eat it. But it wouldn't stay down. So the dog ate it...then passed out into the backyard. Reicther seems a bit upset. As if he was having second thoughts. CUT TO: INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY - NEXT DAY - AFTERNOON Title Card: "Friday Afternoon." Brock and Casey are walking toward the exit. CASEY Please! BROCK (sighing) Fine. I'll stay with you another couple of days. Casey smiles. CASEY Trust me Brock. You won't regret this. Tonight is Taco night. And I dare you to tell me one thing that is better then a taco. Brock rolls his eyes. As they walk they pass a booth. It reads: "Turn In Surveys Here." Will is going over his. CASEY So what the final result of your survey, Will? WILL Okay. Let me tell you. My name is Carlos Escobar. I'm fourteen. I'm Spanish and half Jewish, half Catholic, half Atheist. I've had thirteen sexual partners. Seven women, six men. When I was younger I had to take medication because I had certain sexual "fits." I have the clap and herpes A and I have not told any of my partners any of this. I have also done things I'm not proud of for money and personal things. I also an unhealthy relationship with my mother, Carla and my sister Carmen. Pause. They look stunned. BROCK (speechless) Jesus Christ...how long did he take you to write that? WILL (proud) About an hour. He drops it into the pile. FADE TO: INT. BALLARD'S ROOM - AFTER SCHOOL Ballard is standing by her desk writing on a piece of paper. Parker enters. PARKER Do we have rehearsals tonight? BALLARD Nope, we get the night off since it's Friday. Parker nods and looks around the room. He notices the big stack of Sex Surveys. PARKER Are those the...sex surveys? BALLARD Yep. Over 150 of them. Brief pause. Both are now staring at the stack. PARKER Have you...read any of them? BALLARD Read them? God no. These are suppose to be confidential surveys. She again looks at the stack, this time she begins to bit her lower lip a bit. As temptation has come upon her. PARKER Oh, right. Parker leans in a bit toward the survey. PARKER You know, from here it looks like that persona on top circles a lot of "yes's." She begins to nibble on her fingernail, still fighting temptation. BALLARD Yep. PARKER I bet he's done a lot of wild stuff. BALLARD Maybe. Ballard begins to tap her shoe against the floor. After a second the two look at each other. PARKER Wanna read them? BALLARD I'll lock the door. Ballard goes over to the door and locks it. Parker smiles and goes over to the pile. CUT TO: INT. PARKING LOT - LATER The lot is fairly empty with out only a few cars remaining. Brian emerges from the school, covered in sweat. He stumbles a bit. BRIAN Stupid bird flu shot. SWIPE TO: INT. BRIAN'S CAR - LATER Brian enters the car. He seems a bit out of breath and a little flushed in the face. VOICE (O.S.) Bad day? Brian looks around. BRIAN Who the fuck said that? VOICE (O.S.) Me. The camera PANS to a Jesus bobble head on Brian's dash board. JESUS And watch your language. This is a car of God. BRIAN Shut up, you can't talk, your just a plastic bobble head, you can't talk. Brian starts up the car and starts driving. JESUS Sounds like your trying to convince yourself more than me. BRIAN Shut up! Brian looks like he's about to hit Jesus, but he looks up and slams on his breaks. MALE VOICE (O.S.) Asshole! Brian gives the other driver the finger. JESUS How did you manage to pass your driver's test if you can't even talk and drive at the same time. BRIAN Shut up, shut up, shut up. JESUS You need to speak with more respect towards your savior I could so smite you right now if I wanted. BRIAN For a novelty bobble head your not very funny. Brian makes a turn. JESUS This isn't the way home, where are you going? BRIAN I'm going to visit my uncle, he's in town this weekend. Brian seems shocked at what he just said. BRIAN Oh God I'm having a conversation with a bobble head am I losing my mind? JESUS Could be, you did try to kill yourself. BRIAN SHUT UP NOW! Everything is quiet a moment. JESUS Hey turn on the radio. BRIAN No. JESUS Come on, you know you want to. BRIAN I will not listen to a bobble head. JESUS Just turn it on. Brian slowly reaches out and turns on the radio.† Metalica is playing. JESUS Awesome, I love Metalica! BRIAN You what? JESUS St. Anger is so underrated. Jesus hums to the song.†Brian turns off the radio. JESUS Hey man, I liked that song! BRIAN Why are you talking to me? JESUS Your losing your mind remember? BRIAN Couldn't this be some kind of close to God experience? I've heard about other people doing that. JESUS Yeah, but they weren't talking to a bobble head. BRIAN Shut up! Brian reaches over, takes the head off of the Jesus bobble head and puts it in his glove compartment. JESUS (from the compartment) Man, that was cold. BRIAN (very angry) Shut the fuck up!! JESUS Alright, alright. Just watch up for that car. Brian looks back ahead and we see him swerve the steering wheel. FADE OUT. We hear the sound of a car horn and breaking glass. TO BE CONTINUED... END OF EPISODE
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