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THE LUNCHROOM Episode Three "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" Teleplay by Edward Drogos Story by Bruce Snyder Created by Bruce Snyder EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Bruce Snyder EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Vincent Biga STORY EDITOR Melinda Waterman CONSULTING PRODUCER Edward Drogos CONSULTING PRODUCER Max Majernik CAST LIST Will Cooper................................. Joel Mayberry............................... Brian Vandele............................... Brock Warner................................ Reicther.................................... Casey Jennings.............................. Chris Hughes................................ Stacy Cifaretto............................. Ellen Conner................................ Cathy Phenis................................ Mr. John Parker............................. GUEST CAST LIST Brandon Brim................................ Restaurant Owner............................ Waiter...................................... Copyright © Bruce Snyder TEASER FADE IN: EXT. MAIN STREET CENTERVILLE - DAY Even though it's a warm sunny Saturday, Joel and Casey are the only ones in site as they walk out of the milk shake shop with their shakes. CASEY Something doesnít feel right about that shop. JOEL What do you mean? CASEY It isn't as much fun eating in there anymore. JOEL Because of the low-carb craze? CASEY No. JOEL Well they got new refrigerators, the ice cream doesn't melt and refreeze every five hours like it used to. (under breath) Especially after a certain friend of ours put a small amount of explosives in it. CASEY No, but I did notice. They continue to walk. JOEL Oh, we have to pay now. When Reicther worked there, we got everything for free. CASEY Reicther worked there? JOEL Yeah. He quit like a few months ago. You don't remember? Hell, I just made a reference to him working there. CASEY No. What did he do? JOEL Well he mostly worked counter but he was the mascot a couple of times. Remember we blocked out his eye holes, and when he put it on, he couldnít see. He kept knocking things over and ended up in the middle of the street. CASEY Then what happened? JOEL Animal Control was called and almost shot Reicther because he thought a bear was on the loose. Casey begins to laugh. CASEY No, wait. This is a joke isn't it? JOEL No. CASEY Yes it is! Reicther is going to pop out of a corner in a bear suit and scare me, isn't he? JOEL No. I'm serious. They walk to the corner and hear a car screeching to a stop. They look in the street, but it's empty. JOEL (CONT'D) What the hell was that? They walk down the next street and come to a fence. They hear the van rev up, run over something, and stop again. Joel and Casey find openings in the fence and look through. They see an OLD MAN driving an old, beat up van right towards them. He runs over two pieces of plywood in the middle of the parking lot before coming to a stop and getting out of the van. He goes over to the plywood and takes out a cloth laundry bag filled with something walk back into the restaurant. Joel and Casey look at each other. CASEY What do you think? JOEL Well, Reicther's late. SMASH CUT TO: OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE: Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the credits. AFTER CREDITS: EXT. BRIAN'S CAR - DAY (MOVING) Establishing shot. The car is going down and empty street in the suburbs. We can hear Bad Religion's "Faith in God" coming from the car. INT. BRIAN'S CAR - CONTINUOUS (MOVING) BRIAN VANDELE is driving while silently repeating the lyrics. BROCK WARNER is sitting in the passenger's side. There is a small suitcase sitting on Brock's lap. BRIAN So what happened to your house exactly? BROCK Well, it appears that two pipes under near my basement floor apparently got clogged up with something. After a few hours of being clogged up there was this large amount of pressure against the pipes. Finally the pipes busted and it slowly began to flood the basement floor. Brian tries to contain his laughter. BROCK After a while the entire basement was Just filled with...feces. Brian lets out a few giggles. Brock gives him a stern look. BRIAN Sorry. BROCK Anyway, it's costing my mom a lot of money to fix the whole system. So instead of springing for a motel she decided that me and my little brother could stay with friends for a while. BRIAN That sucks. BROCK Especially since it's Reicther. Brian laughs. CUT TO: INT. VANDELE HOME - STACY'S ROOM - DAY Stacy is sitting in the middle of her room with boxes surrounding her. She is packing, but everything seems to very organized. In the background the song "Raised on the Radio" by the Ravyns plays softly. REICTHER and CHRIS HUGHES walk past her room and look and look in to see what she is doing. REICTHER Whatcha doin'? STACY Packing. You know I have CDs that I had no idea I ever bought. Chris looks through one of the stacks. STACY What are you two doing? CHRIS Um, nothing really. Just here to find your brother. STACY Shocker. You know, I won't be able to take all of these with me, do you two want to go through them and see if there are any you want? REICTHER Sure. STACY Great! Chris picks up one of the CDs and holds it up. CHRIS I don't think I'll find anything I'll like based on this... He holds up Hooty and the Blowfish's "Cracked Rear View." STACY Ah, from rock star to fast food pitchman in 10 years...somehow I'm not surprised. Chris keeps going through albums, while Reicther joins in. CHRIS Cher, Gloria Estefan, Phil Collins... Paula Abdul? REICTHER Oh my god! The New Kids on the Block! (he looks at Stacy is who is laughing) You have The New Kids on the Block? STACY Good thing I didn't ask you to go through my cassette tapes. Reicther looks stunned, while Chris seems confused. REICTHER You still have cassette tapes? CHRIS What's a cassette? REICTHER It's an American thing. Stacy rolls her eyes. The two continue to look through some more. REICTHER I think I'll pass. Most of these will be better used in a landfill. CHRIS I don't know, there might be a few good one's here. Reicther who is about to leave, stops, and turns around. REICTHER Alright. STACY Great! Oh by the way, if your could put the CDs back in the same order, that would be great. I'll be back. Stacy leaves. Reicther starts to remove the inserts from the CDs. CHRIS What are you doing? REICTHER Stacy said the CDs had to be put back in the same order, she said nothing about these things being in there. He and Chris start taking out the inserts. CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOT BEHIND CHINESE RESTAURANT - LATER Joel and Casey have hopped the fence over into the parking lot and are looking around. CASEY What restaurant was that? JOEL That Chinese place. They walk around and go over to two pieces of plywood in the middle of the parking lot. CASEY What does that smell like to you? JOEL Burnt rubber and a something disgusting. I don't know, lets get out of here. CASEY Wait, this is intriguing. You hungry? JOEL Always, why? CASEY Why don't we go in and see what we can find out? JOEL I donít feel like sampling something that was run over by a van. God, there could have been a fucking cat in there or something. Casey goes back though a opening in the fence. CASEY Come on, we'll just ask some questions, you donít have to eat anything. With some effort Casey pushes himself through the fence while Joel watches. Joel walks down to the edge of the parking lot and opens the gate and walks out onto the sidewalk where Casey is. JOEL You're paying. They walk off. CUT TO: EXT. REICTHER HOME - LATER Brian's car pulls up in front of it. Brock gets out of the passenger's side carrying his suitcase. He looks over the place. There isn't a light on. BROCK (to himself) Great. Brock turns back to Brian, who is still in the car. BROCK You want to wait here until the idiot gets back? BRIAN Nah. I've got to go to Art Club. BROCK Art club? BRIAN Yeah...it's this club at school. My new therapist suggested a do an after school activity to keep my mind of... you know. He makes a "slash my wrists" gesture. BROCK Oh. Well never mind then. BRIAN Don't worry. What could Reicther possibly be doing that more important? SMASH CUT: INT. VANDELE HOME - STACY'S ROOM - LATER Reicther and Chris are sorting through CDs as Stacy comes back into her room. STACY Hey, my mom is going to take me shopping, We'0ll be back in a bit. REICTHER Okay. Hey, I'll be 'All By Myself.' STACY No you won't Chris' here. CHRIS Oh, 'It's All Coming Back To Me Now.' STACY Whatever. REICTHER Wait, 'Tell Him.' STACY Tell who what? CHRIS That 'My Heart Will Go On.' STACY What the fuck are you on? REICTHER Me? I'm just trying to get in your state of mind when you were buying the Celine Dion collection. Chris and Reicther hold up three CDs by Celine Dion. Stacy rolls her eyes and leaves. REICTHER (CONT'D) Guess 'That's The Way It Is.' CUT TO: INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - DAY Joel and Casey enter. The old, wrinkled OWNER behind the counter greets them. OWNER How many? JOEL Two. OWNER Follow this way. He leads them to the table where Joel and Casey sit down. JOEL Thanks. OWNER You want a romantic. CASEY Excuse me? The owner pulls out a lighter and lights the candles on the table. JOEL (CONT'D) Oh, no. We won't be getting romantic in here today...or ever. CASEY Am I really that horrible Joel? The Owner looks at both of them and blows out the candle. OWNER What are you wanting? CASEY Something different... JOEL Something normal. OWNER Okay, look at menu, I'll be back. The Owner walks to the back room. JOEL What are you having? CASEY I'm going to see if they can tell me what they make from that stuff in the laundry bag. A WAITER comes over to the table. WAITER Hello, are you ready to order? CASEY I was wondering how do you make the Wok's Delight? WAITER Assorted seafood with vegetables and soy sauce. CASEY No, not that one. How the number 14? WAITER The Egg Drop Soup? CASEY No that couldnít be it. WAITER I'll give you a minute. The waiter walks away. JOEL Are you going to go through every thing on the menu? CASEY No, just until we reach the thing that's run over by a car. Joel sighs. INT. VANDELE HOME - STACY'S ROOM - LATER Reicther and Chris sit on either side of two large piles of CDs, one pile a lot smaller than the other. CHRIS Okay, we have... (points to the small pile) The want pile. And we have... (points to the large pile) The shit pile. The phone rings and Chris goes to answer it. Reicther makes sure that Chris is gone, and quickly goes through the crap CD pile looking for something. He finds it, it is Daniel Beddingfiled's "Gotta Get Thru This" and hides it under his shirt. Chris comes back. CHRIS (CONT'D) (starts collecting his CDs) Well, this was kinda fruitful, I found some good ones. Reicther sees that Chris is taking most of them. REICTHER Wait a minute, those are my good ones. CHRIS What, you want all of these? REICTHER It not a question of wanting them, it is a question of me needing them. CHRIS For what? REICTHER To become a vital part of my music collection. CHRIS So you'd never listen to them? REICTHER It's like all those cable channels, you don't watch them all, but you still have them. It's a status symbol. So, are we agreed? CHRIS Fuck no! Chris gathers the CDs he wants. REICTHER Fine. I'm just... CHRIS You're what? REICTHER No, I'm just depressed now. You know, we've already had one of our friends go suicidal. Chris looks a little concerned. REICTHER No, you take them, my kick ass music collection can't help me anymore. Will looks a little concerned now. CHRIS Well, uh, how would the CDs help that? REICTHER Yes because then everyone would know that I had the best collection, and I would therefore, be better than them. CHRIS Fine, take them. REICTHER What? CHRIS You can have them. REICTHER Cool. Thanks. Ah, the sun seems brighter than ever. CUT TO: INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - LATER Casey is still talking to the Waiter. Joel looks very annoyed by Casey asking how each item on the menu is made. CASEY How do you make the Empress Chicken? JOEL Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! What can we eat that is run over with a van in a laundry bag? WAITER The Cabbage Soup? JOEL It was the cabbage? WAITER Yes. JOEL What do they run over it for? WAITER What he does is... OWNER Excuse me. The Waiter moves to the side to see the Owner standing behind him. OWNER (CONTíD) So you have found my secret. The cabbage soup. A recipe from my ancestors. CASEY What do you run over it with a van for? OWNER You run over it to infuse the flavors and it shreds it perfectly. I'll bring two orders for you now. JOEL No thanks. I don't eat things run over by cars. OWNER Excuse me? JOEL I'll pass on the cabbage soup. OWNER Oh really. You see that device on the wall. Joel and Casey look at the wall behind them. There is some sort of wood torture device displayed menacingly over their heads. JOEL What about it. OWNER That was also a relic brought down from my ancestors, if I could show you that instead. Casey and Joel look quickly at each other. JOEL Soup sounds good. OWNER Good. The Owner and the Waiter start to walk away but the Owner turns back around. OWNER (CONTíD) I'll still show you how that thing works, it works very well when I mash potatoes. He goes into the back room. CASEY Did you know, he's from Seattle? JOEL Explains the accent. CUT TO: EXT. REICTHER HOUSE - LATER Brock is sitting out in front of the house, sitting on his suitcase. The lights are still off. Brock looks both ways before letting out a deep sigh. Suddenly we hear a loud CRASHING sound off screen. MAN (O.S.) What the hell are you doing?! WOMAN (O.S.) I'm throwing your shit out! You can go live with your damn whore! Upon hearing this, Brock seems very uncomfortable. MAN (O.S.) Your just making stuff up! WOMAN (O.S.) I know you go out every night and fuck her! My sister Gina told me so! MAN (O.S.) Well, maybe if I was getting some at home I wouldn't need to fuck a whore! Brock begins to whistle and covers his ears. BROCK (under breath) Where are you, Reicther? CUT TO: EXT. CANDY STORE - SAME Reicther is sitting on a bench outside the shop. He is licking a TOOTSIE POP. As he licks it, he counts. REICTHER 1,002. (lick) 1,003. (lick) 1,004. CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL - AUDITORIUM - DAY WILL COOPER enters humming "No Rain" by Blind Melon a little but quickly stops. The cast of the play is spread out in the place, talking. He walks up onto the stage and looks out over the edge. VOICE (O.S.) Do you think it is less of a fall if you go head first? Will looks up to see ELLEN CONNER smiling at him. WILL I don't know. ELLEN You don't have a clue? WILL Ellen...let me enlighten you on a little secret. I haven't had a clue for last ten years. ELLEN Well, you were smiling like you knew. WILL I always do that. Smile and nod. ELLEN Why? WILL Because everyone loves an idiot. He smiles even bigger. She stands next to him at the edge. ELLEN Well, think about it. If you are looking down, you not only have the four feet that you are actually falling, but the six feet that your eyes are adding to the illusion. Will looks a little confused. ELLEN (CONT'D) Get down. Ellen gets on the stage floor and lies face down looking over the edge of the stage. Will follows. ELLEN (CONT'D) See the difference. Itís not so far anymore. WILL I guess so. She lays on her side next to Will. ELLEN So, Dr. Karpathy, learn your lines? WILL (turning over) Yeah, Iím pretty good with remembering things. ELLEN That's good because... MR. JOHN PARKER walks in to the gym. PARKER Okay, everyone. Please on to the stage, and we will begin! Will and Ellen are no longer alone on the stage and have to stop their conversation. CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL - ART CLASS - SAME Brian enters the classroom where a number of easels are set up. About a dozen other students are there, they look at him as he enters. BRANDON BRIM, a well built senior with spiky brown hair walks over to Brian. BRANDON Hi, I'm Brandon Brim. BRIAN Brian Vandele. Is this the Art Club? BRANDON Yep, pick a easel, and weíll start in a second. Brian walks over and Brandon sets up at the easel next to him. BRIAN So what do we do here? BRANDON Art, usually. BRIAN What do you usually paint? BRANDON Whatever is on my mind. Brandon paints a cross shape on his canvas. BRIAN (confused) Crossroads? BRANDON Sorta, it is a cross though. BRIAN What does it stand for then? Brandon gives him a look like he should know. BRANDON Jesus. BRIAN Oh! That's what that is. BRANDON And my girlfriend, my career, and basically my life. BRIAN Wow, I didn't know you could hang so much on it. I thought Jesus had a lot of problems. Brian takes a blob of yellow paint and starts to paint something on his canvas. BRANDON (looking at them) What are those? Brian tries to think of something quick. BRIAN Um...Flowers? BRANDON Oh. (they continue painting) Are you sure those are flowers? Brian stops painting and flips the canvas paper back and studies a fresh canvas. BRIAN Apparently, thou shan't not critique others art work, isn't in your bible. Brandon looks a little confused and amused. CUT TO: EXT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - LATER Casey and Joel walk out, satisfied and full. Near the front wall there is an Asian man to a mysterious BLACK MAN who's back is facing us. CASEY Ah, those Asians sure know how to cook. JOEL Who knew that the cabbage would taste better if they ran it over with a van. They walk away. The Asian man looks upset. The Black Man turns around to reveal a large badge which plainly reads "Health Inspector." CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL - ART CLASS - LATER The music plays as Brain tries to paint something abstract on his canvas. Brandon is next to him making something with a lot of crosses. BRANDON So basically, to become a minister I have to give up Monica for about a year during school. BRIAN Give up? BRANDON We can't have sex. WILL Oh. BRANDON Well, you know what that's like don't you. BRIAN (uncomfortable) Yeah, sure. BRANDON You want to be with this girl... but you can't, because your parents are downstairs or her litter sister wonít leave the room, or Jesus is watching you. Brian stops painting and looks up for a second then shakes his head and continues painting. BRIAN Yeah, something like that. Brandon paints but his hand slips and he makes a mark on the canvas. BRANDON God damn it. (catches himself) Oh shit, I canít say... (again) Fuck... (covers his mouth) What the hell! BRIAN Brandon, buddy, you have to calm down. BRANDON I know, I just made a vow that I wouldnít swear. BRIAN Aw, well you know what I say? Fuck that shit. Brandon laughs so does Brian. CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL - AUDITORIUM - LATER The cast of the play is in the middle of staging. They are all holding up cards with their characterís names on them and have to stand in the same spot as the lights are moved into place. Will is moved right in front of a very hot, bright light. Ellen moves a few feet to his left. ELLEN Will. WILL (squinting) Yes. Who is it? ELLEN It's Ellen. WILL Oh, hi. He tries to open his eyes to look at her but canít. ELLEN I wanted to ask you something. Do you want to be in the newspaper? WILL Not a chance in hell. ELLEN Why? WILL Unless it's "Boondocks" or "Garfield" ...I don't read papers and I don't like papers. ELLEN Not even the "Family Circus?" WILL (angry) Why, I - ELLEN Calm down. I was only joking. Brief pause. WILL Why all the questions about organized school activities? ELLEN Well, I write for the school paper, I want to do interviews with the cast of the play. WILL Oh, okay. What time? ELLEN Tomorrow, Iíll do a cast interviews on Monday in the Lunchroom. WILL Ah, the lunchroom. Sounds good. The light that was shining in Willís face the whole time is finally turned off, much to the relief of Will. PARKER (O.S.) Okay, everyone. Great rehearsal everyone! I'll see you Monday. Will is still blinded by the light. WILLíS P.O.V: He can hardly see anything, he walks up to what he thinks is Ellen. WILL So what time Monday? No answer. WILL (CONTíD) Ellen? ELLEN Over here. Will spins around and walks over to where he heard Ellen's voice. But accidentally walks off the stage and falls on the auditorium floor in a heap. BACK TO SCENE Ellen walks over to the edge of the stage from completely the opposite direction Will was heading. ELLEN (CONT'D) So how many feet was it? Will turns over and smiles stupidly at her before raising his MIDDLE FINGER at her. CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL - ART CLASS - LATER Brandon is cleaning up and Brian is the last one to leave. BRANDON So you coming back? BRIAN (turns around) Think so. BRANDON Good. Brandon continues cleaning up, and after a moment, Brain leaves. CUT TO: EXT. REICTHER HOME - LATER Brock is still sitting on his suitcase on the front lawn. We can hear we can hear crashing sounds next door. Brock is quietly rocking himself while covering his ears. Then in the distance, Reicther walks up. REICTHER Ah, so it takes 794, 213 licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop. He smiles. REICTHER Once again, I have solved one of life's great mysteries. He walks up to his house and notices Brock. REICTHER Oh, Brock. I'm so sorry. I forgot you were coming over tonight. Brock gives him a look. Suddenly THREE GUNSHOTS come from off-screen before Brock takes off running. Reicther seems confused. SMASH CUT TO: INT. NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME There's a nice young, YUPPIE couple sitting on the couch. There are watching an Old Black and White movie where all the sounds have come from. FEMALE YUPPIE I wonder if that was too loud? FADE OUT. ("All These Things That I've Done" by the Killers plays over the credits.) END OF EPISODE
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