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THE LUNCHROOM
Episode Seventeen
"The Show Must Go On"
Teleplay by
Bruce Snyder & Dominic Flanagan
Story by
Bruce Snyder
Created by
Bruce Snyder
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Bruce Snyder
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Vincent Biga
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Edward Drogos
STORY EDITOR
Rebecca Parker
CAST LIST
Will Cooper.................................
Joel Mayberry...............................
Brian Vandele...............................
Brock Warner................................
Reicther....................................
Casey Jennings..............................
Chris Hughes................................
Ellen Conner................................
Cathy Matthews..............................
Mr. John Parker.............................
GUEST CAST LIST
Ms. Diane Ballard...........................
Principal Bob Stevens.......................
Brandon Brim................................
Rory Reid...................................
Tom Lawrence................................
Gas Man.....................................
Copyright © Bruce Snyder
TEASER
FADE IN:
INT. AUDITORIUM- EARLY EVENING
TITLE CARD: "Opening Night"
The place is empty, as Showtime is nearing. WILL COOPER
is by himself on stage, trying his hardest to move a
heavy set piece offstage. He grunts as he struggles to
move it.
WILL
(struggling)
I do all this work for a musical
...and I'm not even gay.
Will finally gives up.
WILL
If Parker wants it over there, then
he can move it by himself.
Will begins to walk backstage. Just then, we can hear a
door open. Will turns and sees ELLEN CONNER and her
small, brown haired friend RORY REID entering. Will
hides behind the curtain before he can be seen.
RORY
Come on, Ellen. Tell me!
ELLEN
I don't feel like it.
RORY
Well, I feel like it. No offense,
Ellen but this whole thing is
driving me mad.
ELLEN
Me and Will are just friends,
that's all.
This has sparked Will's interest, who is now is watching
from a small hole in the curtain.
Rory lets out a fake cough.
RORY
Oh I'm sorry. I didn't realize I
was allergic to bullshit.
ELLEN
You can't take my word for it?
RORY
Not when that word is "lie."
ELLEN
I'm not lying.
RORY
Really?
ELLEN
Maybe exaggerating but definitely
not lying.
Rory sighs, frustrated.
ELLEN
Rory, read my lips: Will and I are
just friends.
Will seems a bit disappointed.
RORY
Yeah, of course. I mean, you are
right now, but...do you ever feel
like you want something... more
than that with him?
Long pause.
ELLEN
Yeah. I think I do.
Will smiles from ear to ear and begins jumping around.
WILL
Oh, yes! Yes! Oh, yes!!
Ellen and Rory turn toward the stage and noticed Will
who's danced his way onto the stage.
WILL
(stops jumping)
Oh yes!! They still have
Watermelon in cafeteria! And it's
seedless! Oh, happy day!
ELLEN
No way! I love that watermelon!
Ellen runs out of the auditorium. Rory gives Will a
look.
WILL
(nervous; fake
smile)
Hi, there.
CUT TO:
OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE:
Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the
credits.
AFTER CREDITS:
FADE IN:
INT. CATHY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MINUTES LATER
CATHY MATTHEWS is standing in the middle of the room.
She wearing just a T-shirt and panties. In the
background Supertramp's "The Logical Song" is blasting.
Cathy is dancing around and singing.
CATHY
(singing)
"When I was young
It seemed that life was so wonderful
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical
And all the birds in the trees
Well they'd be singing so happily
Oh joyfully, oh playfully watching me
But then they sent me away
To teach me how to be sensible
Logical, oh
responsible, practical
And they showed me a world
Where I could be so dependable
Oh clinical, oh
intellectual, cynical."
As Cathy is in the middle of her dance, JOEL MAYBERRY
suddenly enters from the front door. He is dressed in a
suit.
JOEL
I hope you don't mind, the front
door was unlocked and -
He finally notices that she's dancing in her underwear.
CATHY
(notices)
Oh shit!
She trips over her feet and falls to the ground.
JOEL
Oops.
Cathy grabs a blanket from the couch and covers her
bottom half with it.
CATHY
You should really knock!
JOEL
(laughing)
Were you lip-syncing to a
Supertramp song?
CATHY
That's tough talk coming from a
Prince fan, Joel.
JOEL
Touché.
Cathy goes and turns the music off.
JOEL
How come you're not dress? The
play's going to start in less then
an hour?
CATHY
You didn't get my message?
JOEL
What message?
CATHY
My father is going to take me and
my family out to dinner. I called
you to say I couldn't come.
Joel sighs.
CATHY
Besides it didn't sound like that
great of an evening anyway.
JOEL
And how's that?
CATHY
You were going to have me sit three
rows away from you.
JOEL
What? Isn't that romantic?
Cathy shakes her head and takes a seat on the couch.
Joel takes a seat next to her and puts his arm around
her.
JOEL
Cathy, I was only going to do it
because we needed to keep our
secret relationship, well you
know...secret.
CATHY
Joel, I don't want a secret
relationship anymore.
Joel becomes wide eyed and scared.
JOEL
(stunned)
...What?
CATHY
Joel, I'm tired of this. I want to
be able to hold your hand in public
for once. I want to kiss you
without you freaking out about who
may have seen us. I just want the
world to know that I'm dating a
wonderful, sweet, caring man.
Joel thinks.
JOEL
Can I think this over?
CATHY
(sighs)
Fine. But just keep in mind that I
don't think I'll do this secret
thing anymore.
Joel seems worried.
CATHY
Now get going. I have to get
dressed and you have a show to get
to.
JOEL
You're right.
They kiss.
CATHY
I'll call you later.
Joel gets up and leaves. Cathy waits a second. She then
drops the blanket and turns the music back on.
CATHY
But first...I'll finish the song.
She begins to dance again.
CUT TO:
INT. BRIAN'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME
BRIAN VANDELE is sitting in the armchair, watching TV.
REICTHER is sitting on the couch, desperately trying to
fix his tie. BROCK WARNER is putting on a suite jacket
near the kitchen door. CASEY JENNINGS is looking into
the mirror near the wall.
We hear a toilet flush just as CHRIS HUGHES enters from
the hallway.
(Since it's opening night, all of these characters are
wearing various dress shirts, pants, jackets, etc.)
BRIAN
So you're saying Natalie Portman is
flat chested?
BROCK
She is kind of flat but there is
something there...isn't there?
REICTHER
I think it's because of her being a
vegetarian.
BROCK
(confused)
What?
CASEY
Who cares? They're not that
important.
CHRIS
Casey's right. I'm not gonna choose
a four hundred pound woman just
because she may have bigger breasts
than Natalie Portman.
CASEY
Although truth be told, the bigger
lady is bound to have bigger boobs
than Natalie Portman.
BROCK
(to Reicther)
Please, tell me you are not serious
about vegetarianism causing small
breasts. That is so ridiculous. I
know many vegetarians with all
kinds. Breast size has nothing to
do with meat consumption -
CASEY
(giggling)
He said meat.
Brian giggles too.
BROCK (CONT'D)
Natalie Portman is a VERY small
person. Most petite people are not
top-heavy. She has the body of a
little girl. Some girls do.
It's just genetics.
CHRIS
Wait, are we really have a
conversation about Natalie
Portman's tits?
BRIAN
Sadly, yes.
Brian laughs. Chris looks at the clock.
CHRIS
Brian, can I use your phone for a
second?
BRIAN
Sure. Just don't be too long. The
show's going to start soon.
CHRIS
Thanks. I won't.
Chris grabs his a cordless phone from the floor. He
dials a number and moves to the corner of the room.
WOMAN'S VOICE (O/C)
(filtered)
Hello, Eastern Psychology.
CHRIS
Hi, can I speak to Kate Davidson,
please?
WOMAN'S VOICE (O/C)
(filtered)
Hold please.
D-12's "Psychopath Killer" plays as Chris is put on
hold.
CHRIS
What the hell?
Chris hangs up.
BRIAN
What's the problem?
CHRIS
They put me on hold.
BRIAN
On hold? Where are you calling?
CHRIS
Eastern Psyche.
CASEY
The loony bin?
REICTHER
Oh, yeah, he's got a loony
girlfriend in the loony bin!
CHRIS
Hey, she's not in a loony bin,
and she's not a loony!
BRIAN
Oh, of course. I'm sure that knife
just fell onto her wrist.
Chris glares at Brian and redials the number. He waits
for a beat.
WOMAN'S VOICE (O/C)
(filtered)
Hello, Eastern Psychology.
CHRIS
Hi, can I speak to Kate Davidson,
please?
WOMAN'S VOICE (O/C)
(filtered)
Hold please.
CHRIS hangs up.
CHRIS
I got put on hold again!
CASEY
You want to know what I think?
CHRIS
Not really, no.
CASEY
I think they're trying to stop you
from seeing her. Either that or
they're up to something.
CHRIS
Like what?
REICTHER
Three words my friend: abducted by
aliens!
CHRIS
What? Just...what?
Chris dials again.
WOMAN'S VOICE (O/C)
(filtered)
Hello, Eastern Psychology.
CHRIS
Hi, can I speak to Kate Davidson,
please?
WOMAN'S VOICE (O/C)
(filtered)
Hold please.
Chris hangs up.
REICTHER
I'm telling you, it's the aliens!
Chris dials again.
WOMAN'S VOICE (O/C)
(filtered)
Hello, Eastern Psychology.
CHRIS
Yes, do you have any spare cells
for my friend Reicther?
There's a knock at the door. Brian gets up and opens it.
BRANDON BRIM walks in.
BRIAN
Hey, Brandon.
BRANDON
Hi, Brian. Hey guys.
REICTHER
Who's this?
BRIAN
Brandon Brim.
CASEY
I remember him. It's God-boy!
Brandon looks offended.
CASEY
Would you prefer Jesus-lover?
BRANDON
Brandon seems to work just fine.
REICTHER
Whatcha doin' here?
BRANDON
Brian invited me to come see the
musical with you guys tonight.
Casey, Brock, Reicther, and Chris look over at Brian.
BRIAN
Yeah, I invited him. So what?
CASEY
So, first you kiss him and now
you're dating him? You sure like to
get things done, don't you?
Brock hits Casey in the back of the head. Chris sighs at
his ignorance.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL - BALLARD'S ROOM - SAME
MS. DIANE BALLARD is standing at her desk, fiercely
looking through piles and piles of paper. MR. JOHN
PARKER comes in, closing the door.
PARKER
Okay, curtain goes up in thirty
minutes. Everyone is putting on
their final make-up touches.
BALLARD
I'm just going to grab my script
and head toward the booth.
Parker walks toward her. Ballard finally finds her
script amongst the junk. She is heading towards the
door, when Parker grabs her and starts to kiss her. She
pushes him away.
BALLARD
What are you doing?
PARKER
I believe the scientific name is
primitive mating.
BALLARD
Look, John. I've been meaning to
talk to you about that.
PARKER
Okay. Shoot.
BALLARD
I've been thinking about it and I
think we really should stop this.
PARKER
What? Why?
BALLARD
John, it's extremely unhealthy. I
mean we get into these heated
arguments and then just
spontaneously have sex.
PARKER
Actually this is probably the most
normal relationship I've ever had.
Which is speaking very highly of
you.
BALLARD
Funny, because that statement
speaks very poorly of you.
PARKER
Oh look. It's Ms. Condescending
Rice, the secretary of talking down
to people.
BALLARD
Wow, I'm surprised you can talk so
clearly. What with your head up
your ass.
Pause. They start to kiss before Ballard pulls away
again.
BALLARD
Damn it! See! That's what I was
talking about! It's just confusing
and wrong and down right stupid.
PARKER
Just stifle there for a minute,
will ya' Diane? It might seem weird
to you but that's just because you
make sex out to be something bigger
than it is. You look at it as the
main part of the meal, while I look
at it as that free toy you get with
the kid's meal.
Ballard gives him a look.
BALLARD
Did you just compare me to a
fucking toy!
PARKER
At least I can bend them anyway I
want.
Ballard slaps him really hard in the face.
BALLARD
You self righteous son of a bitch!
PARKER
Look who's talking, cunt muscle.
She pushes him.
BALLARD
Paranoid motherfucker!
Ballard goes to push him but he grabs her arms before
she can do it. Beat.
They furiously start to make out.
BALLARD
This is wrong.
PARKER
Give it a rest. We've only got
twenty five minutes.
BALLARD
You've got ten.
PARKER
If it's a bargain, then I'll be
done in five.
They fall to the ground, kissing.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL - HALLWAY - SAME
PRINCIPAL BOB STEVENS is walking down the hallway,
whistling. He stops a young MALE STUDENT.
STEVENS
Excuse me, son. Have you seen Ms.
Ballard?
MALE STUDENT
She's in her room.
STEVENS
Thank you.
Stevens continues on. As he goes further down the
hallway, we start to hear a faint moaning sound. He
stops and looks around.
STEVENS
What the hell?
He slowly begins to move again and notices that the
sound is getting louder as he moves along. He finally
arrives at Ballard's room and it's very obvious that
it's where the sound is coming from.
The moaning appears to be Ms. Ballard herself. Stevens
realizes what's going on.
STEVENS
Good God! This is going to end now!
Stevens puts his hand on the handle, just as an extra
loud moan comes from inside. He quickly removes his
hand.
STEVENS
Uh, I guess I can wait till their
done.
CUT TO:
EXT. JOEL'S CAR - MINUTES LATER
Establishing shot. It's barreling down the road.
CUT TO:
INT. JOEL'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Joel is driving, but his mind is someplace else. The
song "The Greatest American Hero" is blasting from the
radio.
JOEL
Better get some gas.
Suddenly the car starts to make funny noises.
JOEL
What the fuck?
Joel turns the wheel.
CUT TO:
EXT. JOEL'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
His car is slowly turning into a gas station but it
suddenly dies only halfway there. It's not stopped in
the middle of oncoming traffic.
INT. JOEL'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Joel is scared.
JOEL
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
He desperately tries to start the car. No luck.
CUT TO:
EXT. JOEL'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
A Semi Truck is speeding towards Joel's car. He's not
slowing down but instead honking.
CUT TO:
INT. JOEL'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Joel is extremely frightened.
JOEL
Come on! Fucking start!
He keeps trying over and over again. We can hear more
Semi honking. Suddenly the car starts. Joel SLAMS on the
pedal.
EXT. JOEL'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Joel's Car quickly speeds into the Gas Station BARELY
missing the Semi Truck.
CUT TO:
EXT. SMALL GAS STATION - CONTINUOUS
Joel's Car quickly speeds into a spot and stops very
abruptly. Joel staggers out of the car. He is shaking.
He takes a few steps away from the car. Suddenly he
looks down at his crotch and notices a giant WET SPOT.
He looks confused.
JOEL
(about pants)
Now when did that happen?
Joel starts to pace, taking deep breaths. Suddenly an
elderly man in overalls appears. He is the GAS MAN. He
seems amazed that Joel survived it.
GAS MAN
Are you okay son?
JOEL
Yeah. Just a little shaken up.
He continues to breath deep.
GAS MAN
Wow, you're lucky. That truck
could've killed you!
JOEL
I know.
GAS MAN
(jokingly)
You don't have bad karma do you?
The Gas man begins to laugh. Joel seems to think about
this.
GAS MAN
Well, I'm going to go check out
your car. Shouldn't take more then
a few minutes.
Gas Man walks away. Joel seems to be in deep thought
before having some kind of revelation.
CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM - SAME
Establishing shot. People are starting to file into the
seats.
INT. AUDITORIUM - BACKSTAGE - SAME
VARIOUS MEMBERS of the cast and crew are running around,
getting ready. Some are putting on make-up, while others
are putting set pieces in the right spots. Will and
Ellen are standing off to one side. Ellen is putting a
FAKE BEARD onto Will.
WILL
I'll say it again: All this work
for a musical and I'm not even gay.
ELLEN
Well you sure did fool me.
WILL
I'm not gay, I'm straight.
ELLEN
You're about as straight as a curly
fry. Hell, the other day you were
telling me how cute your friend
Joel is -
WILL
(overlapping)
Handsome! We're just friends and I
was complimenting him.
Ellen finishes.
ELLEN
I'm going to go find Parker.
Ellen leaves, with Will following him.
WILL
Hey, if you were gay who would it
be for?
She thinks.
ELLEN
Any female from "Grey's Anatomy."
WILL
Any? Even that large, black one?
ELLEN
Especially her. My cushy for the
pushy.
WILL
Pardon me while I try to shake that
comment from my mind.
Will shakes.
WILL
Nope. Didn't work.
ELLEN
What about you? Who would you go
gay for?
WILL
Who wouldn't I go gay for? George
Clooney, Christian Bale, Don
Cheadle, John fucking Stamos.
ELLEN
(sarcastic)
Oh yeah, you're definitely not gay.
WILL
I just have perfectly normal
heterosexual man crushes. Nothing
wrong with that.
ELLEN
If you're gay there's no problem.
Pause. Ellen laughs, Will gives her a look.
ELLEN
I'll be right back, I have to find
Parker.
Ellen leaves. Will watches her leave, not noticing Rory
who comes up behind Will.
RORY
You heard.
WILL
That Guns and Roses are getting
back together. It's great isn't it?
RORY
No. Earlier. You heard what Ellen
and I were talking about.
WILL
I have no idea what you're talking
about.
RORY
Are you playing dumb?
WILL
No, this is my natural demeanor.
(pause)
Of course I heard. And "I like
Will" has quickly become the
greatest three words I've heard
since "Journey Performs Live."
RORY
Okay, listen, I've known Ellen for
almost six years.
WILL
(confused)
Good for you.
RORY
Listen, if you're going to act on
this Ellen thing, you have to do
something fast.
WILL
Why?
RORY
Do you want to be in a relationship
with her?
WILL
Uh...yeah. Yeah, I think I do.
RORY
Then you better do something quick,
or you'll end up in the Friend Zone.
WILL
(terrified)
The Friend Zone?
RORY
Yep.
WILL
Oh shit. Where's Ellen?
He takes off, looking every which direction for her.
CUT TO:
INT. BRIAN'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Brian, Brandon, Brock, Chris, Casey & Reicther are
sitting around, listening to Brandon's story.
BRANDON
...so basically, all you do is go
there, pray, and tell people your
thoughts about God. What you think
he looks like, why he does what he
does, etc...
REICTHER
(bored)
Wow.
CASEY
How long did you say that went on
for?
BRANDON
Three to four hours.
CHRIS
(sarcastic)
Oh, so about the same length as
your story.
BRIAN
Okay, guys. Come on, we'd better
get going.
BRANDON
Okay.
Everyone stands up. Casey and Brock give a gesture to
Chris and Reicther. Brian and Brandon head toward the
door.
BRIAN
Are you guys coming?
CASEY
We'll be out in a minute.
Brian and Brandon leave.
CHRIS
So, what do you think about this
Brandon guy?
CASEY
He makes me want to blow my fucking
brains out.
BROCK
What's ironic is that he doesn't
make the suicidal guy want to blow
his brains out.
CASEY
We've got to get rid of him.
CHRIS
Easier said than done. If we reject
him, he'll just think it's part of
God's master plan or some shit.
The guys laugh.
CHRIS
No, we need something to annoy him,
to drive him away from here.
CASEY
What could be that annoying?
CHRIS
We need something to make him want
to stay away from Brian and all of
us.
After a beat, everyone looks at Reicther.
REICTHER
What?
BROCK
Reicther...we need a favor from you.
REICTHER
Oh, no! No way am I annoying that
guy! He can't be annoyed! The
guy is like Ned Flanders but with
five fingers!
BROCK
Trust me, if anyone can annoy this
guy, it's you.
REICTHER
Well thanks, but... y'know...I
can't do it.
BROCK
I'll give you ten bucks.
REICTHER
Okay, done.
Brock and Reicther shake hands. Then everyone leaves.
CUT TO:
EXT. BRIAN'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - SAME
Brian and Brandon are already in Brian's car.
BROCK
Hey, Casey, should we go get Joel?
CASEY
Yeah.
(to BRIAN)
Okay, we'll meet you guys there.
(to REICTHER)
You fucking better be annoying.
Casey and Brock head for Casey's car. Chris and Reicther
get into Brian's car.
CUT TO:
INT. BRIAN'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Reicther and Chris pile into the back seat.
BRIAN
Reicther, you're not going to be
annoying, are you?
REICTHER
Of course not. Don't be silly.
Beat. Reicther looks in his pockets and pulls out a bag
of potato chips.
BRIAN
Reicther, don't eat them in my car.
You'll drop them all over the seat.
REICTHER
Fine. I'll eat them when we get to
school.
(beat)
Hey Brim...
BRANDON
Yeah?
REICTHER
How loud do you think I can crunch
these potato chips?
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL - HALLWAY - SAME
The hall is empty. Suddenly Ballard pops her head from a
corner to make sure the cost is clear. She then comes
out and starts to walk down the hallway, all the while
fixing her clothes up. Stevens pops out of a corner and
stops her.
STEVENS
Wait right there, Mary Kay
LeTourneau.
BALLARD
I can't talk, Bob. The show's about
to start.
STEVENS
Oh, right...the show. Silly me I
forgot. Well you better run off and
enjoy your last show.
BALLARD
(confused)
What...last show? Bob are you
firing me from the theatre
department?
STEVENS
Actually I'm just firing you in
general.
BALALRD
(outraged)
What are you talking about!?
STEVENS
You're terminated. Starting Monday
you no longer teach here.
BALLARD
Terminated? On what grounds?
STEVENS
For the sexcapades I heard going on
between you and a student.
BALLARD
(confused)
Student?
STEVENS
I heard the smut you were saying.
"You've been a bad little student."
I don't know how they do things in
Vermont but sex with students is
strictly prohibited in Indiana.
BALLARD
Wait! You've got it all wrong! It
was Parker -
STEVENS
Please, Diane. Don't blame this on
him. I clearly heard your voice in
there. Besides, do you really think
a student would willingly have sex
with John Parker?
P.A. (V/O)
The auditorium doors will close in
five minutes.
Stevens looks her over.
STEVENS
Well, the show must go on, Diane.
You can stay for tonight's
performance because I don't want
you upsetting the cast. But after
tonight, you no longer work for
Centerville High School.
He walks away. Ballard's eyes are starting to water.
CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM - BACKSTAGE - MINUTES LATER
Will and Ellen are standing near the curtains, both in
costume. Ellen is dressed like a peasant while Will has a
fake beard and looks like an ambassador.
WILL
Uh...Ellen, there's...there's
something I've...been...I've been
wanting to do.
ELLEN
What?
WILL
Um...see...basically, since I met
you, I...
The lights dim. As Will looks up at the lights, Ellen
walks away and somebody else sits next to Will.
WILL (V/O)
What the hell am I stuttering for?
I like this girl! I had no problem
telling girls I liked them before!
Screw it! Just do what Rory said,
act fast!
WILL leans over and kisses Ellen for at least ten
seconds. The lights go up.
WILL
So, will you...
WILL realizes that he's actually kissed TOM LAWRENCE, a
gay student.
TOM
(smiling)
I knew you were gay!
WILL
What the fuck?!
Will notices that Ellen has walked over and is talking
to someone else.
WILL
Oh, my God!
(pause)
Well, at least nobody saw me.
Will turns around and sees about TWENTY STUDENTS, all
pointing and laughing.
WILL
Shit.
CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM - DIRECTOR'S BOOTH - SAME
Parker is working the controls, talking to crew members
through a headset.
PARKER
(into mike)
Okay, Nicole. I want you to slowly
rise the curtains when the lights
dim again. Wait for the orchestra
though.
VOICE (O.S.)
Will do.
PARKER
(into mike)
Hey, Dustin. Have you seen Ballard?
VOICE (O.S.)
Nope.
PARKER
(into mike)
Any sign of her backstage, Nicole?
VOICE (O.S.)
Sorry but no.
Parker seems annoyed.
PARKER
Where the hell is she?
CUT TO:
INT. MAYBERRY HOME - LIVING ROOM - SAME
The room is empty and dark. There is a knock at the door.
CASEY (O.S.)
Joel!
The door opens and Casey and Brock walk in.
BROCK
I thought we were suppose to pick
him up.
CASEY
We are.
JOEL (O.S.)
I'm down here!
CASEY
Where's "here?"
JOEL (O.S.)
The basement, you twat!
Casey and Brock leave the room.
CUT TO:
INT. MAYBERRY HOME - BASEMENT - SECONDS LATER
Casey and Brock are walking down the stairs. Joel is
pacing around the room.
CASEY
Uh, hi Joel. You okay?
JOEL
Yeah, yeah...actually no.
BROCK
Something wrong?
Beat.
JOEL
I need to tell you guys something.
CASEY
Are you gay?
JOEL
(confused)
What? No!
(beat)
Now what I have to say is a bit
shocking but -
CASEY
Will's gay!
JOEL
No! This has nothing to do with
who's gay. It's about me and Cathy.
CASEY
Oh my God! Cathy's gay, isn't she?
Joel sighs. Brocks hits Casey.
JOEL
Anyway, as you guys know, I've been
seeing Cathy for a while now. And
the whole time I've some how by a
miracle kept Brian from knowing
about it. I know you guys thought
it was a bad idea to keep it from
him.
CASEY
Of course.
BROCK
(overlapping)
Still a bad idea.
JOEL
Well, I know how to make up for it.
I'm going to tell Brian the truth
and ask for his forgiveness.
Pause. Shock from Brock and Casey.
CASEY
Could you say that again. See I had
a hard time hearing you over the
sound of me shitting myself.
JOEL
You guys don't like it?
BROCK
Joel, as a very close friend who's
concern for you I have to ask...ARE
YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN FUCKING MIND!!!
JOEL
Why are you guys upset? I figured
you would like the fact that I'm
finally going to tell the truth.
BROCK
Normally we would be happy, but do
you realize how much the truth
sucks? And besides what's up with
this sudden urge to tell him the
truth?
JOEL
I almost got killed tonight. My car
just stopped in the middle of
oncoming traffic. By sheer luck,
the engine started up again. By
sheer luck, the engine started up.
By chance I wasn't killed. Then
this man told me that I might have
bad karma. I realized that I'm
being punished for not telling
Brian about Cathy.
BROCK
Karma? What did you fall asleep
watching "My Name Is Earl"?
JOEL
I'm dead serious guys. I've got to
tell him. It's the only way to set
things right.
BROCK
Set things right? Joel, what you
are about to is pretty fucking far
from setting things right. Do you
realize how much of an impact this
will have? Brian's not going to
forgive you for stealing the girl
of his dreams.
CASEY
To be fair, she did think Joel
wrote the love letter.
BROCK
Not the point, Case! Do you really
want to lose Brian as a friend
because I guarantee that will
happen. What about Cathy? She'll be
mad as hell to learn you screwed
over your best friend and lied
about that love letter. And what
about us? With you two on the
outskirts the group will fall apart.
Some will go with you, some will go
with Brian. The point being we
won't be the "The Group" anymore.
We'll just be those nerdy guys with
the black Jew. Do you want to risk
all that, just so you can have a
little bit of good karma?
Joel is taken aback by this.
CASEY
I've got to hand it to you Brock.
You don't talk often but when you
do it's insightful and to the
point.
Beat. Joel is in deep thought.
JOEL
God, you're right. I can't tell him.
Brock and Casey sigh in relief.
JOEL
I don't know what came over me.
CASEY
It's okay man.
JOEL
Boy, that was stupid. Here, let me
make it up to you guys. Let me run
upstairs and get you those Jello
cups you like.
BROCK
I don't know if we have enough time.
CASEY
There is ALWAYS time for Jello.
JOEL
I'll only be gone a second.
Joel walks up the stairs. Brock and Casey wait till he's
completely gone before they start talking.
BROCK
God, he had me worried.
CASEY
Yeah, me too, but really Joel would
never do that.
We suddenly hear the basement door SLAM. It's followed
by the sound of several locks locking.
BROCK
What was that?
CASEY
I think that was Joel proving me
wrong.
Brock runs up the stairs and tries to open the door.
BROCK
He locked us in!
CUT TO:
INT. MAYBERRY HOME - HALLWAY - SAME
Joel is standing in front of the basement door. He has
locked all six locks on the door and placed a chair in
front of it.
JOEL
Sorry but I have to do this! I have
to set things right!
Joel runs off toward the front door.
CUT TO:
INT. MAYBERRY HOME - BASEMENT SAME
Brock and Casey are both standing by the door way,
trying the hardest to open the door.
CASEY
Let us out!
Casey gives it one big push. Nothing.
CASEY
Oh my God! What are we gong to do?
He's going to tell Brian!
BROCK
We've got to get out of her and
stop him.
CASEY
But we can't. The door are bolt
locked. There's only one tiny
window. Plus Joel's got a good
couple minute lead on us.
Beat.
BROCK
I guess...this means The Group is
going to break up.
Brock sighs in defeat. Casey looks very worried.
FADE OUT.
TO BE CONTINUED...
END OF EPISODE
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