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THE LUNCHROOM Episode Twelve "The Art of Folding" Teleplay by Stephen Guptill & Vincent Biga Story by Bruce Snyder Created by Bruce Snyder EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Bruce Snyder EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Vincent Biga EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Edward Drogos STORY EDITOR Rebecca Parker CONSULTING PRODUCER Max Majernik CAST LIST Will Cooper................................. Joel Mayberry............................... Brian Vandele............................... Brock Warner................................ Reicther.................................... Casey Jennings.............................. Chris Hughes................................ Ellen Conner................................ Cathy Matthews.............................. Mr. John Parker............................. GUEST CAST LIST Ms. Diane Ballard........................... James Kelly................................. Amy......................................... John........................................ Clerk....................................... Copyright © Bruce Snyder TEASER FADE IN: INT. SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY Reicther is walking down the hallway of the School. John comes up next to him. JOHN Hey. REICTHER Hey. JOHN Are you busy right now? REICTHER Well...Not really, Why? JOHN Well, I've heard that you're an asshole with no feelings. Reicther gives him a look. REICTHER You're really not winning me over, John. JOHN No, no. It's just that...Well, I was wondering if you would break me and my girlfriend up for me. Reicther gives him a look before he scoffs. REICTHER Look buddy. I may be an asshole but I don't help cowards. I would never do something that low - JOHN I've got money. REICTHER - Unless I'm being compensated. JOHN How much will it take? REICTHER 15. JOHN 10. REICTHER Deal. They shakes on it. SMASH CUT TO: † OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE: Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the credits. AFTER CREDITS: INT. LUNCHROOM - NOON WILL COOPER, JOEL MAYBERRY, BRIAN VANDELE, BROCK WARNER, CASEY JENNINGS, Reicther, and CHRIS HUGHES are sitting around a table eating lunch. Will is discussing a movie entitled "Morning Zombies." WILL All I'm saying is that the should have killed off Pete. BRIAN Oh, come on, He was the best character. CHRIS Well, any movie called "Morning† Zombies"†is gonna be stupid. WILL Shut up, you Brit. CHRIS Honestly, who gives a crap about a movie, where a Zombie wakes up and eats a person for breakfast. And then, you see the Zombie eat another person for breakfast, the next day, and then the day after that, and so on, until the end of the bloody movie. Pause. WILL Pete should have died. CHRIS Does†nobody even care of that logical statement I just said? WILL Nice Logic, Einstein. CHRIS Your all idiots. Amy walks into the Cafeteria. REICTHER That's my cue. WILL What? You going to ask her out? REICTHER I'm going to break up with her. Reicther heads towards Amy. BROCK Since when Did Reicther have a girlfriend? WILL Never knew he had a secret relationship going on. Camera zooms over to Reicther and Amy, who are talking. Amy is on the verge of tears. AMY So...That's it? He's not even going to say sorry? REICTHER Nope. Guess not. AMY Your some help. REICTHER Well, I'm not getting paid to be comforting. AMY Wait! He paid you to break up with me? REICTHER Oops. Amy punches Reicther in the throat. AMY All men are idiots. Amy leaves. REICTHER Pleasure doing business with you. CUT TO: INT. PIZZA PLACE - AFTER SCHOOL Cathy, Joel, and Chris sitting in a pizza place. Cathy is writing on a piece of paper, furiously. CHRIS I love pizza. JOEL I thought your kind favored Crumpets in the garden. CHRIS Shut up. JOEL Well, I have to take a trip to the loo. Want anything? Joel heads off to the bathroom. Chris sits there eating a piece of pizza, while Cathy continues to write. CHRIS Hey, Cathy. Cathy does not hear him. CHRIS Cathy? Again Cathy does not hear him. CHRIS Hey you! He tosses his pizza crust at her. CATHY What?! CHRIS What are you working on. CATHY Well, you wonít tell any one right? CHRIS Well, if it involves cruelty to animals, or underage kids, then I might have too. CATHY I'm planning a perfect kiss with Joel. CHRIS Oh. Fun. CATHY Now that you know, how does this sound? Me and Joel will go to the movies, and then after we'll†go for a walk in the park, at night, so the moon will be out, and then we'll kiss. Isn't it beautiful? CHRIS (sarcastic) Precious. CATHY Now, I want this to be this Saturday, so what movie should we see, I'm thinking, Morning Zombies, but it's not exactly romantic - CHRIS Here comes Joel. CATHY Remember, you don't know anything. CHRIS Know about what? CATHY About - Oh your good. She goes back to furiously writing down her plan. JOEL So, your still working on that? Remind me again what your working on? CATHY Oh, shoot! Look at the time. Got to go. Cathy jumps up and leaves, leaving her purse there. JOEL Was it something I said? CHRIS Maybe it's because you touch yourself at night. JOEL And I do it because you touch yourself at night. Oh shit she forgot her purse.†I'll go catch up to her. He grabs the purse and runs off. Chris calls after him. CHRIS Hey, You! A women turns around from the counter. CHRIS Oh. I mean the boy with the purse. JOEL What? Chris does the gesture for 'call me' and mouths the words. The women gives them a strange look. Joel raises his middle finger. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - NEXT DAY Reicther is walking down the hallway, slowing feeling his throat. Out of nowhere John comes running up. REICTHER You owe me fifteen dollars. JOHN Like hell I do. You did - wait we agreed on ten. REICTHER Yeah, but that was before she punched me in the throat! JOHN She punched you? REICTHER Yeah. So pay up. JOHN No way you didn't get the job done. REICTHER Yes I did, I told her that you were broken up. JOHN Yeah but that's not good enough for Her. Last night she sent me a thirty-five page long e-mail explaining that we were still a couple. REICTHER Thirty-five pages? JOHN Yeah... REICTHER Ouch. I can see why you want to break up with her. Wait did you read all of the e-mail? Beat. REICTHER Well did you? JOHN Yeah... REICTHER You deserve her. JOHN Shut up, your not getting your ten dollars until were officially broken up. REICTHER Fifteen. JOHN We agreed on ten! REICTHER I was injured on the job! Haven't you heard of workers compensation? JOHN This isn't a democracy - REICTHER Bureaucracy. JOHN What? REICTHER America is a bureaucracy, not a democracy. JOHN I always thought of us more as a theocracy. REICTHER What are you crazy? That goes against everything that's in the constitution. JOHN The government only claims to not be swayed by religion, I mean we have a national cathedral for Christís sake! Where is the National Buddhist temple or the National Synagogue? REICTHER That's a good point. JOHN WAIT! Stop getting me off topic! REICTHER Oh, okay...What were we talking about? JOHN End it with me and Amy or you won't get your ten dollars! John walks away. REICTHER Its still fifteen! God hates cheapskates! CUT TO: INT. DRESSING ROOM - AFTER SCHOOL Will walks into the dressing room as he does he sees JAMES KELLY in the room, he has his shirt off and from his body position we can see that heís about to drop his pants. WILL Oh, sorry James. I didnít know you were in here. JAMES It's alright. Will starts to leave. JAMES Wait! Your that Cooper kid right? Will stops and turns around. WILL Yeah what about it? JAMES Oh I'll tell you! Everyday I'm the last one to leave and everyday Ballard bitches to me about how your costume isn't folded properly! WILL Oh, Iím sorry, Iíll try better next time. JAMES You're not getting off the hook that easy. WILL I'm not...? JAMES No, Iím going to show you how to properly fold your costume. WILL You are? JAMES Heck yes I am, here watch. James picks up his shirt and starts folding it neatly. Will watches and pretends to pay attention while trying not to look down there. James finishes. JAMES See? Not that hard now is it? WILL Doesn't look that way. JAMES Great! Now for the trousers! WILL What!? James drops his pants and he puts them on the table, James is now completely naked. WILL Umm... JAMES What? WILL Nothing I'm just kind of wondering why you don't wear underwear. JAMES I always thought the damn things were very uncomfortable. WILL I'm feeling kind of uncomfortable right about now. JAMES What? WILL Oh nothing. JAMES Right! Back to folding. James starts to neatly fold his pants. We focus on Will who is looking very, very uncomfortable. WILL (O.S.) Don't look at his crotch, don't look at this crotch, God please don't let me look at his crotch. We see Willís eyes move for a second. WILL (O.S.) Oh god he hasn't been circumcised! After what seems like an eternity James finishes folding his clothes. JAMES Now, that doesn't look so hard does it? WILL N-No, it doesn't. JAMES Good, now can you give me some privacy and let me get dressed? WILL Yeah sure. Will walks out of the room, after he closes the door he looks down at the floor. WILL I feel small... We pan over from Will to see MR. JOHN PARKER and MS. DIANE BALLARD standing in the back of the auditorium looking towards the stage. We zoom in on them to hear their conversation. BALLARD I think we should push back the opening night date. PARKER What? Why? BALLARD I don't think the kids are ready, there just not professional enough to put on a serious production. Parker gives her a look. PARKER It's a high school play, this isn't Shakespeare in the Park! BALLARD The students are still far too unprofessional. PARKER What do you mean? BALLARD Well for one thing when every time someone comes to the word 'tit' in their lines everyone starts to giggle. Parker giggles. PARKER Tit...that's a funny word. BALLARD Will you be serious for once? PARKER Sorry, I use humor as a defense mechanism. BALLARD You're a sad, sad little man. PARKER You're the kind of person that goes to comedies and doesn't laugh aren't you? BALLARD What are you inferring? PARKER You infer, I imply. BALLARD Wait a minute you stole that line from a TV show! PARKER (under his breath) Know it all bitch... BALLARD What was that!? PARKER You heard what I said! Parker starts to walk to his office; Ballard follows. BALLARD Yes I know exactly what you said and I demand and apology this instant! They enter his office. CUT TO: MR. PARKER'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS They are in Parker's office now. Parker's desk is separating the two from killing each other. PARKER Jesus, can't you just take a joke?! BALLARD That was a joke of no kind it was an insult to my character! PARKER How about this one? You're a filthy dirty slut! Both of them are silent a moment, then with out warning Parker flings everything off his desk and Parker and Ballard begin to kiss passionately while mounting the desk. CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - MINUTES LATER ELLEN CONNER has just arrived and looks around. ELLEN I wonder where Parker and Ballard are... Ellen shrugs it off and walks over to Will who is sitting down against a wall looking at the floor. ELLEN Hey how's it going? Will doesn't say anything. After a second Ellen kicks him. WILL Hmm? What? ELLEN I asked how you were. WILL Oh...I think I just died a little inside. ELLEN Now you've got me interested. What happened? WILL I don't want to talk about it. ELLEN Oh come on its not like you got butt raped by a butt pirate looking for booty. WILL No, I think this is a little worse. ELLEN With this kind of trauma you should always open up to outside help for support. WILL Shut up! ELLEN Alright, alright. Ellen sits down next to Will. For a moment neither of them say anything. WILL I think it moved. Ellen gives Will a puzzled look while Will is still staring at the floor. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - SAME Reicther closes his locker and sees Amy down the hallway. He opens up his locker again, takes a cup from his locker we see him put it in his pants (off screen.) After some fidgeting he knocks against the plastic cup. REICTHER Don't worry guys...your safe now. Reicther closes his locker and approaches Amy. Amy sees Reicther coming and reaches into her purse for something. Reicther approaches close enough to talk to her. REICTHER Hi Amy I - Suddenly Amy maces Reicther and he falls backwards and starts to wriggle on the floor in pain. AMY Tell that bastard to grow a pair and have him break up with me himself. REICTHER But then I won't get paid! Amy kicks Reicther in the crotch but we hear the cup deflect it. Reicther sits up and points at her. REICTHER HA HA! Amy maces him again. Amy walks away as Reicther is wriggling on the floor. REICTHER (yelling) This isn't over! That fifteen dollars will be mine! CUT TO: INT. SIDEWALK - MINUTES LATER Joel is walking down the sidewalk when Cathy comes up, takes him by the arm and starts walking with him. JOEL Hey you. CATHY I was thinking about a movie, me and you. JOEL What is it? CATHY Well it's a punch of still images on film that when showed in sequence on after another creates the illusion of motion and along with audio tracks a story is told; but that's not important. Do you want to go or not? Joel laughs. JOEL Sure, what movie? CATHY I was thinking about "Love At First Sight." JOEL Ugh, a chick flick? CATHY Is there any other kind of flick? JOEL Well there are war flicks, action flicks, porno flicks - Cathy gives him a look. JOEL (CONT'D) Not that I would know anything about those kinds of flicks. CATHY Let me put it this way: are there any other kinds of date flicks? Joel thinks for a second. JOEL Well when you put it like that it sounds a hell of a lot better. Cathy smiles. CATHY Good it's settled then! (under her breath) Part one of operation perfect kiss complete. JOEL What? CATHY Oh, nothing. Reicther walks up to join them, his eyes are very red. JOEL Hey Reicther - Holy shit what happened to your eyes!? REICTHER Mace. CATHY Try to get fresh with a girl? REICTHER No, trying to break up with her. JOEL You have a girlfriend? REICTHER No, Iím doing it for someone else. CATHY Why? REICTHER There was money promised. JOEL How much? REICTHER Fifteen. As Reicther says this they walk by John. JOHN We agreed on ten! REICTHER (to Joel) Oh, I'm getting that fifteen. Reicther looks as if heís just remembered something, he reaches off-screen and after a second pulls out the cup. REICTHER These things are really uncomfortable. JOEL That's kind of gross Reicther. CATHY Just a bit. CUT TO: INT. MR. PARKER'S OFFICE - LATER Parker and Ballard and sitting on the desk just staring into space. BALLARD That was...interesting. PARKER Yep. BALLARD Well, at least I have an answer for when ever someone asks me where the strangest place I did it was. PARKER Yep. Ballard notices that all he's saying is "yep." BALLARD (testing him) The sky is made of cotton candy and the stars are really holes in a tin roof that hovers over Earth. PARKER Yep. Beat. PARKER Well, it looks like rehearsals are still going on. BALLARD No shit. PARKER Look - Parker turns and points at her, as he does he realizes his finger is prodding into her breast. He quickly pulls his hand back and they both look away from each other. PARKER Well it looks like its time to go. BALLARD Looks like it. They both stand up. They face each other, not really sure what to do, after a tense moment they both walk over to each other and start to kiss. BALLARD Do you think you can "go" again? PARKER I'm always ready for seconds. They fall onto the desk, kissing. CUT TO: INT. MOVIE THEATER - LATER THAT NIGHT Joel and Cathy enter the theater and walk up to the Clerk. JOEL Two for "Love At First Sight." The Clerk gives them a look. CLERK Umm... CATHY 'Umm?' 'Umm' isn't good. CLERK Well, that movie started over an hour ago. Cathy has a look of disbelief. CATHY Shit, I must have looked at last weeks paper. JOEL It's okay; Umm, what is starting now? CLERK Well, "Morning Zombies" is starting in five minutes. Joel looks exited while Cathy looks disgusted. CLERK Do you guys want that? JOEL Sure! CATHY Are you sure there's nothing else on? CLERK Sure as- ummm...err... JOEL Sugar? CLERK How is sugar sure? JOEL I'm not quite sure myself. CATHY Alright, alright, weíll take "Morning Zombies." Joel seems very exited, Cathy shoots him a look. Joel's expression turns stoic. JOEL Two for "Morning Zombies" please. CLERK Sure thing. CATHY (to herself) Well this is off to a great start... TIME FADE TO: INT. MOVIE THEATER - LATER Joel and Cathy have just taken their seats. CATHY What is this movie even about? JOEL I heard it was about a zombie who eats someone everyday for breakfast. CATHY Zombies have breakfast? JOEL Duh. CATHY But to have breakfast you have to sleep. JOEL No you don't. CATHY Yes you do, your breaking your fast when you eat breakfast. JOEL Well that's true...And zombies don't sleep s... (pause) Oh my God this movie is going to suck! Joel has a look of horror on his face while Cathyís expression just screams "duh." A MAN and his wife sit behind Joel and Cathy. Just as they sit down the room does dark and the movie starts. We can hear the previews starting to roll; a comedy movie is shown and the man who is sitting behind them starts laughing very obnoxiously and kicks the back of Cathy's seat. (They are in a stadium seating theater so his kicks are hitting very high.) Cathy looks very annoyed by this and makes a face of disgust. Joel sees this. JOEL (O.S.) This is my chance...My chance to be a man! Joel stands up and turns to face the man. JOEL Stop kicking my girlfriend's seat you fucking jack ass! Cathy looks shocked. The man slowly gets up from his seat. MAN What did you say to me? The man is huge, it looks like his muscles are about to rip his shirt apart at any second. JOEL Oh shit... CUT TO: EXT. MOVIE THEATER - MINUTES LATER Joel is sitting on curb with a baggy of ice over his eye. Cathy comes out. CATHY I was able to get a refund. JOEL Okay cool. Does it look any better? Joel moves the ice pack, his eye is dark purple and nearly swollen shut. Cathy gives him a nervous smile. CATHY Better...better keep the ice on it though. JOEL Yeah good idea. Cathy sits down next to him and Joel puts the ice back on his eye. Cathy leans over to one side and pulls out a piece of paper from her pocket. We can see that it was her plan for the perfect kiss. She takes a pen and scratches off "See a movie" from her list. She folds it up and puts it back into her pocket. CATHY (nervously) So, how about a moonlit stroll around the park? JOEL I dunno, doesnít moonlight cause you cancer? CATHY Get over it, everything causes cancer nowadays. JOEL How right you are. Joel gets up. JOEL Let's go my dear. Cathy stands up and they walk away arm-in-arm. FADE TO: INT. PARK - LATER Joel and Cathy walk to a pond and stop to admire it. Cathy doesn't seem too pleased though. CATHY Where's the moon? I thought tonight was a full moon, where the hell is it? Joel shrugs. JOEL Clouds I guess. CATHY No, no, no! This is all wrong! Cathy sits down and starts to hold her head. JOEL What? What's wrong? It's just the moon, it'll be back. Kinda like the sun. CATHY Yeah, but this was supposed to be OUR moon Joel. JOEL What do you mean? CATHY I had this whole night planned out, we were going to see a nice movie then have a moonlit stroll and have a perfect kiss in front of the pond but its all going to hell! Pause. JOEL Look, we don't need all that fancy stuff. CATHY But I wanted us to have a kiss that would be special and memorable. I wanted to be able to remember this night crystal clear for the rest of my life. JOEL But you will! Cathy gives him a funny look. CATHY What do you mean? JOEL Just think about what's happened tonight. I mean, we got the wrong movie times, we had to see a horrible movie and I got my ass kicked while trying to defend your honor. Trust me, your going to remember this for a very long time. Cathy smiles. CATHY I didn't think of it that way. They both look into each otherís eyes for a moment, then they kiss. When they are done Joel looks up. JOEL Hey, thereís our moon! Cathy smiles and they both stand up to admire the moon. The camera starts to pull back from a shot of their backs as the watch the moon. As we pull back he ground that Joel is standing on gives way and he falls into the pond. JOEL God damn it! Cathy starts to laugh hysterically. JOEL It's not funny its cold in here! Joel grabs her leg and pulls her in too. They both start to laugh. FADE TO: INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - NEXT DAY (BEFORE SCHOOL) We see Reicther sitting alone at a table with a chess board in front of him, he looks like heís waiting. John and Amy approach from two different directions. JOHN What is this about? AMY A note on my locker told me to come here. They notice each other. JOHN Oh...you didn't say she was going to be here. AMY Shut up. JOHN You shut up! REICTHER Both of you shut up! They both look at Reicther a little surprised. REICTHER Sit! They both do so. REICTHER Two days ago I was approached by John to break up with his girlfriend for him at the promise of some money. Now I've tried to accomplish this for the past two days but it just isn't working, and after some hard thinking I've come to a conclusion. Reicther pushes the chess board between John and Amy. REICTHER You two have to play for it. JOHN What? AMY What the hell are you talking about? REICTHER It's clear what's going on here, there is a conflict of interests; one person wants to end it, the other doesn't so the only real way to solve this is through a game of chess. If John wins you guys are broken up and he'll pay me my fifteen dollars, if Amy wins you guys are still together and she'll give me fifteen dollars out of gratitude for saving her relationship. Is this agreeable? John and Amy both look at each other. JOHN (to Reicther) That's fucking stupid. AMY (to Reicther) Are you out of your mind? JOHN All this is a break-up. AMY Yeah. It's nothing real complex that needs chess to solve it. John and Amy laugh. JOHN (mocking Reicther) "Play chess for your destiny" Amy and John start to giggle. Reicther seems a bit hurt by this. Pause. John and Amy look at each other for a while. JOHN I've been thinking... AMY About? JOHN Maybe I still want to be your boyfriend. AMY You do? JOHN Yeah going though this has showed me just how much you care about me. AMY I told you. JOHN Want to grab something to eat? AMY Yeah. Why not. Both get up and hug. John and Amy are about to walk away when: REICTHER Wait! JOHN What? REICTHER What about my money? JOHN Well...We made up. I said I would pay you if you broke us up. But we're still together so you don't get anything. REICTHER Your joking right? JOHN Nope. Reicther and John stare each other down for a long moment. Suddenly Reicther leaps across the table and starts to bring John down to the ground. The students around them all start to chant "Fight! Fight! fight!" INT. HALLWAY (OUTSIDE OF AUDITORIUM) - LATER Will is walking towards the doors when Ellen walks up next to him. ELLEN So, are you going to tell me what happened yet? WILL No, I don't think so. I think this will be something I take with me to my grave. ELLEN Come on don't be silly! She looks around for an example, we see Parker and Ballard approaching. ELLEN (CONT'D) Its not like you walked in on Mr. Parker and Ms. Ballard doing it. They are both in earshot to hear this. They both look stunned. They both leave in different directions. James Kelly suddenly approaches and walks by Will and Ellen. JAMES Hey Will! Did you remember what I taught you? WILL Yeah James...I don't think I can ever forget. James enters the auditorium. ELLEN What was that all about? What did he teach you? WILL I don't want to talk about. ELLEN Come on Will you can tell me. Confiding in someone is always good. It's always good to have a shoulder to cry on. WILL Well... ELLEN Come on, I won't make fun of you or anything. WILL I'll tell you... Will whispers into Ellen's ear. ELLEN (laughing hysterically) James taught you how to fold while he was naked! Everyone stops talking and they all look at Will with an expression of horror on their face. This makes Ellen laugh even more. BRIAN (O.S.) Will! Brian and Casey run up to Will. Parker and Ballard use this time to slink away. WILL Brian! CASEY Will! WILL Casey! ELLEN Who's Casey? CASEY I'm Casey. WILL Brian? BRIAN Will? WILL Why did you come running up to me like that? CASEY Reicther is in a fight? Brian hits Casey. BRIAN He asked me! WILL Reicther's in a fight!? ELLEN Who's Reicther? CASEY He's a skinny dark haired kid, looks like a stick. ELLEN Oh you mean Patrick? BRIAN Who's Patrick? ELLEN Reicther is Patrick. CASEY Reicther isn't Patrick! BRIAN Yeah Reicther is Reicther! WILL What is Reictherís first name... CASEY It's...Brian what's his first name? BRIAN I donít know. ELLEN It's Patrick! BRIAN It is NOT Patrick! CASEY You don't know what it is, maybe it is Patrick. BRIAN Damnit! I would remember if my friendís name was Patrick! ELLEN That's not true; you donít remember his name now! BRIAN Shut up! ELLEN You shut up bitch! BRIAN Whore! ELLEN Slut! WILL Girls, girls your both pretty! Now what's this about Reicther being in a fight? ELLEN Patrick's in a fight? BRIAN His name is not Patrick! CASEY Reicther is in a fight! WILL Yes Casey I got that part, why is he in a fight!? Beat. CASEY I dunno, Brian? BRIAN I'm not quite sure myself. WILL Should we go find out? Beat. CASEY Nah these things have a way of working themselves out. Lets go get a slurpy. BRIAN I am down with the slurpy idea. Casey and Brian start to walk off. BRIAN Coming Will? WILL No, I got play rehearsals. CASEY Suit yourself. Brian and Casey leave. ELLEN Those are your friends? WILL Yes...Sadly they are. FADE OUT. END OF EPISODE
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