HALF CRAZY

A play by Jeremy Johnson
2148 S. 49th St.
(402) 301-3584
keepkeepingmesane@yahoo.com

CHARACTERS

JASPER: Mentally unstable male, 20’s-40’s.  Obsesses over the recent deaths of his beloved and his best friend.  Hallucinates frequently.  Diverse criminal history.

FEIVEL: Jasper’s dead best friend and former crime partner.  20’s-40’s male.  Sinatra replicate, singer, dancer, schmoozer.

DAISY: Jasper’s dead fiancé.  20’s-40’s female.  Classically gorgeous, smoky eyes, flowing dress, big red lips.  Insightful, stunning, the type of girl that stops time when she enters a room.

NADIA: Mysterious 20’s-30’s female.  Mason’s backup.  Wild card character.  Not afraid to pull the trigger.  Fierce, unflinching Femme Fetale.

MASON: Nadia’s partner.  20’s-40’s male.  Slimy, sinister, takes joy in causing slow deaths.  Delicate cuticles.  Sensitive teeth.

HARTFORD: Jasper’s former crime boss.  30’s-50’s male.  Cold and unfeeling in a dentist sort of way. 

TONY: Jasper’s former partner in crime, turned against him.  20’s-40’s male.  Stereotypical Mafioso character, but ultimately vulnerable and sympathetic.  

THUG: Russian partner to Brute.  30’s-40’s male.  Under the table money collector.  Does not waste time.  Does not enjoy his job, irritated by people who do. 

BRUTE: Infamous marksman, Russian Collector.  30’s-40’s male.  Enjoys his job.  Takes his time.

SPIDER: Literally a spider.  Insightful hallucination conjured by Jasper.  Cynical, wise, soaked in piss.  

DARRELL: Mason’s brother.  30s’-50’s male.  Tortured by his sleeplessness.  On a mission to find his missing little brother.

MR. SHACKLEFERD: Jasper’s former drill sergeant gym teacher.  40’s-50’s male.  Critical, un-encouraging.

*Casting note.  Actors are able to play multiple roles.   

HALF CRAZY

ACT 1

Scene one- Hotel Room

JASPER stands over a toilet.

JASPER VO
Motel 6, Des Moines, Iowa.  I’m narrating my thoughts as I occasionally do, to make sense of things.  Not a lot of things have made sense lately.  I piss on a spider in the toilet.  Haven't been this satisfied in months.  I don't even flush, just watch him paddle there with eight frantic uncoordinated legs.  He knows it's the end.  I might take a dump on him later.  Then, turning the corner on the way out, something happens…

JASPER stubs his toe on the wall, badly.  ALL enter from every entrance.  NADIA and FEIVEL make out on the bed, DAISY and DARRELL fist fight.  THUG and BRUTE dance around with ribbons and knives.  TONY and HARTFORD fistfight in slow motion.  MASON is getting hit by everyone left and right.  MR. SHACKLEFERD yells degrading obscenities at JASPER.  JASPER watches the chaos around him while nursing his damaged toe.  There’s yelling.  Rage.  Cries of mercy.  Enthralling passion.  Russian.  DARRELL enters and holds a gun to JASPER’S head.  He shoots.  ALL freeze.

JASPER VO
I see everything that was about to happen. And it even makes sense kind of.  But then it was gone.  Daisy is gone.  I'm next.  And it's my fault.

ALL exit to some salsa music.  

JASPER VO
They’ll be here to kill me soon.  If I don’t kill me first.  They’ll be right.  I’m a liar.  I’m a traitor.  I left my best friend in a fire and the love of my life in the lair of a monster.  I suck.

DAISY Enters to some Noir-y sax music.  She's wearing a dress that doesn't belong in any third rate hotel anywhere.  She's extravagant, irresistible.

JASPER	
Daisy.  I thought I'd locked it.

DAISY
I thought you had too.  What are you doing here?  I don't know you like this, this is pathetic.  

JASPER
I don’t want to be here!  It’s not like I have much of a choice, what else am I going to do with my time?  Come look at this spider I pissed on.

DAISY
Do you even remember me?  Do you even know who I am?

JASPER
That’s all I can do- remember you is all I can do because that’s all you are now, a memory.  The love that I had for you seems like just a memory too.  And hatred is all that remains.  Searing, mind-numbing hatred.  And I don’t even know who I hate- besides myself.  

DAISY
Is that all our love has surmounted to?  Just a memory, just a thing that was?

JASPER
At least you have people to remember you.  I won't even be granted that.  Look at you, in the dress you were wearing when we met.  My memories of you will always be more glorious than anyone else's.  You know that?  I hope that when they find me here, I'll be thinking of you before I die.

DAISY
You won't be.  (Crosses to light a cigarette) You'll be thinking about how much of a coward you were, how badly you fucked up, and how you weren't enough man to do a single damned thing about it.  Numbed by hatred.  Your memories of me are useless.  For what it’s worth... never mind.  

JASPER 
I still love you!  And you don’t smoke-

DAISY
No, love is a choice.  It's a choice that leads you to act.  You're not acting!  You're not doing shit!

JASPER 
Truthful bitch.  Come look at this spider kicking around in my piss before you go!

DAISY
I AM LOOKING AT HIM!

Exits.  JASPER pulls a gun and contemplates.

JASPER VO
I learned a while ago that no matter how many you kill, they're just going to send more.  Keep killing or start running.  I’m not the greatest killer in the world, far from it.  But I’ll pride myself and I use that word pride loosely, the greatest runner in the world.  I’ve lost count on the bullets I’ve dodged.  I only have 2 bullets left and I just assumed one was for me.  Maybe the first one, maybe the last one.  It’s only courteous to let others go first.

JASPER Slams the gun down causing it to fire, jumps back.

JASPER VO CONT
Shit!  One bullet.  

JASPER shoves the gun in a desk drawer.  Closes it.  KNOCK KNOCK JASPER opens the drawer to retrieve his gun.

MAID
Housekeeping.

JASPER
Oh uh, no thank you.

MAID
No towels?

JASPER
No, in fact, could you come by tomorrow, I should be fine for today… (beat) thanks.

MAID
I have note for you.

JASPER sighs and walks to the door.  Hesitates.

JASPER
Why can’t you just slide it under the door?

MAID 
That goes against our guest friendliness policy.

PISSED-ON SPIDER slowly creeps onto the stage.  JASPER notices.

JASPER
Ok, well… listen, I can’t… can you just read it to me real fast?

MAID
That also goes against our guest friendliness policy.

JASPER
Just… come back in 20 minutes ok?

SPIDER
Ha-ha.. hahaha… hahahahahaha!!!

JASPER
What are you laughing at?  You’re the one covered in my piss.

SPIDER
Oh, Jasper.  I’m the only friend that you have left and what do you do?  You do what you do to all your friends.  You piss them away.  So sad it’s funny.  Did you know that spiders are a naturally vengeful arachnid?  It’s true, if you try to kill one of us, or even one of our kin, we instinctively pursue the threat.  We’ll even become aggressive if we return to the same vicinity in which we were attacked.  

JASPER
I didn’t know that.  I knew I hated spiders for a reason, that’s freaky.

SPIDER
And some spiders hate you too!  They spin their webs and they wait, immobile.  Seething.  Hungry.  Petrified in it.  Like you.

JASPER
It works though doesn’t it?

SPIDER
It’s different for us.  We also don’t know how to love, that was something saved for you exuberant humans.  Imagine how vicious we would be if we could though.  Imagine how vicious we would be if we could pour love into our vengeful nature.  But we can’t.  It’s not in our nature.  But that’s where my web is different from your web.  

JASPER
What if pouring my love into vengeance takes more than I have to give?

SPIDER
What a pair of testicles?  Jasper, when you roll over and die, make sure you roll onto your front side.  Save yourself some humiliation.  

JASPER
Damn-it I knew I should have flushed you.

SPIDER shrugs and exits.  

JASPER VO
Ok.  One more kill.  Daisy's killer.  One more and I'm done.  One more bullet.  That's it.  Now all I need to do is figure out who did it.

SCENE 2- TONY’S car.
BIG TONY is on his way to Des Moines.  He looks ill behind the wheel of a car that’s too small for him.  TONY mumbles to himself in misery.

TONY
Damned gas station jerky reeking up my rental car, state of the art my ass, doesn’t even have air conditioning.

Cell begins to ring.  TONY struggles to get it out of his too tight pants pocket, drops it, swerves to pick it up, answers.

TONY
Hartford, my rental doesn’t have fucking air conditioning can you believe this?  This little turd is not worth an 18 hour drive in this shit!  I feel like hell, I’ve been wearing dirty briefs since hour 7- what!... I’m just saying it’s… yes boss… no I’m doing it, he’s as good as dead I’m just sayin’… yeah 18 hours that’s what I said- well it took me longer than- look I hit a little trouble on the road.  Boss, I’m five minutes away, I’ll call you when I’m done, stop checking up on me ok?  He’s a scared little rabbit, that’s why he’s running, he’s not going to do anything.  He’s empty Hartford, empty, dodged his last bullet.  I’ll call you in twenty.  

SCENE 3- Hotel room.

JASPER
Daisy!

DAISY enters, sax music.

DAISY
What do you want?

JASPER
Who killed you?

DAISY
What's it matter to you?

JASPER
I'm going to find him, Daisy.

DAISY
Why?

JASPER
Why do you think?  Because I love you, damnit!  

DAISY
Well-

JASPER
I know it's too late, I know that-

DAISY
So this is a more for you kind of thing?

JASPER
No!  A little bit, yeah, what do you want from me? 

DAISY
Really, I just want to forgive you.  I want you to forgive yourself.  But we’re both going to have a very difficult time with that if you are just going to sit around pissing on bugs until they find you.  Jasper, I won’t lie, you deserve every single thing that is coming to you.  You will be visited by three ghosts-

JASPER
Bullshit!

DAISY
I had to try.  Find him for me baby.  Will you?

JASPER
Damn right I will, Daisy.  Damn right.

DAISY turns and exits.  The door doesn't even close all the way before it's kicked in.  TONY bursts through the doorway, slow motion assumes.  TONY takes aim at JASPER.

JASPER VO
He's here already.  They don't waste any time.  They sent Big Tony.  Tony's first shot is always a miss.  He looks worn out, he must've come all the way from LA today.  I'll bet he drove too, I'll bet he ate at the Culver's next door before he came here and he's got some terrible indigestion.  Look at him, all red-faced and hunched over, like he's been climbing stairs in the jungle for the past hour.

TONY fires and misses as JASPER evades the bullet.  Slow motion continues.  JASPER slides out the drawer from the desk he's sitting at and removes it.

JASPER VO
I'd hate to waste this bullet already, especially on Big Tony.  He's had a bad day anyway.  

JASPER notices TONY'S ready to fire again, he spins behind a wall.  TONY fires.  JASPER spins back around the wall to whack TONY over the head in slow motion with the drawer.  

JASPER VO
Big Tony's not the guy who killed Daisy, but that's not to say he doesn't deserve a drawer to the side of his head.

Real time resumes.  TONY recoils from the drawer whack.  JASPER knees him in the stomach and takes his gun.

TONY
Ohhh, Jasper for Christ sake you're gonna make me puke shit!  

JASPER
Sorry.  Tony, we have no business with each other, I've always been good to you, you've always been good to me.

TONY
I know that Jasper, it killed me when Hartford sent me here, but I gotta do what he asks you know, I can't risk the well-being of my family for the life of a traitor.  Would you?

JASPER
Suppose not.  

TONY
Look Jasper, you don't have to kill me, I'm sorry can I use your bathroom?

JASPER VO
I was really looking forward to taking a dump on that spider.

JASPER
I guess, leave the door open.

TONY runs to the toilet.

TONY
Sweet merciful Savior of Judah!  

JASPER
What were you saying?

TONY
What?  

JASPER
I said what were you saying.

TONY
No, I know what you said, what are you talking about?

JASPER  
You said I didn't have to kill you, why?

TONY
Just lay low, I'll say you're dead, no one will disagree, depressing story, happy ending.

JAPSER
What if I decide to show up later and endanger you and your family and ask you for a little payoff.

TONY
What like in Miller's Crossing.

JASPER
Yeah sure. 

TONY
I forgot about that movie.  (Exiting bathroom) Well, damn, Jasper you wouldn't do that would you?  I mean you've done some low things lately, I think it's time you stopped don't you think?  I mean, this isn't you!

JASPER
... No, I wouldn't do that to you, Tony.  But I've been lying low for too long.  I'm not going to rot in a herpes-riddled hotel room while I'm hunted down and shot like an animal.  Especially when the fucking love of my life... I can't do that no more.  

TONY
So you're coming after us?

JASPER
Why the hell would I do that when I can just have him come to me?  Who killed Daisy?

TONY
I didn't order that, Jasper, how would I know that?

JASPER
Please don't play this game with me-

TONY
I swear I don't know, I'd tell you- I want this to be over as much as any of us!  Do you know how long I spent in a car today!?  I am sick of this!  I don't care if you die, I don't care if you live, I just want this to be over.  

JASPER
Then tell that bastard, Hartford to send him on over.

TONY
You nuts?  I can't just mosey on back to the crime boss of the new west and say, "Hey you know that guy you wanted me to kill, well he wanted me to get groceries for him instead, so I said ok."

JASPER
That's true, no you can't.  Then I have to have something he wants.  Does Hartford want this to be over?

TONY
We all want this to be over.

JASPER
Then I have it.  I have what he wants.

TONY
What, you're going to hold me ransom for your lady's killer, Jasper, you know he doesn’t give a shit about me, he wouldn’t even buy me a plane ticket-

JASPER
I have an ending.

JASPER socks TONY in the mouth and hits him again with the gun, kicks him in the ribs.

JASPER
Does it look to you like I resisted you think?

TONY
What the hell are you doing?

JASPER
You broke into my hotel room with a gun, does it look like I threw up enough of a fight to drive you away?

TONY
Well... besides shooting me I guess, Sheezus!

JASPER shoots TONY in the arm with TONY’S gun.

JASPER
Ok, there, that should do it I think.  Sorry.  Go back to LA, tonight.  Here buy a plane ticket for Christ sake (gives TONY money), go back to LA and tell that fucking bastard, Hartford, to send me Daisy's killer!  Tell him I'm ready to end it, and that's what it's going to take.  Get out of here, visit a hospital on your way out!   

TONY
I should come back and kill you anyway, you prick.

JASPER
"Look in your heart!" get out of here.

JASPER throws TONY’S gun on the desk next to his and goes looking for something to drink in the desk and bureau drawers.

JASPER VO
So I guess you could say I’ve had a change of heart.  Not dying just seemed like the less-pussy thing to do.  That kind of leaves me in an awkward position.  See you can only sink so low before one of two things happens.  You stop or you bounce.  I'm a long ways from bouncing, hate to say it, but that's how it is.  At this point I just want to stop sinking.

SCENE 4- MASON and NADIA’S car

NADIA and MASON jump into their car.  MASON wields a shotgun, both look stunned, panicked, wiping their foreheads of blood and sweat, breathing hurricanes, desperate for composure.  After several beats…

NADIA
So… 

MASON
I don’t know!  I just…

NADIA
Freaked out-

MASON
Freaked out!  I just freaked out!  Did that just happen?? Seriously??

NADIA
So what was your goal back there, what did you have in mind, because it’s cloudy to me, exactly what your intentions were-

MASON
He put his hand on his gun, I swear to God!

NADIA
You mean on his taser.

MASON
He had a 9mm in his belt and he put his hand on it!

NADIA
How coked up are you?

MASON
Not at all, I had a sinus infection, I had to stop- well cut back, I had to cut back.

NADIA
Then you have no fucking excuse.

MASON
Oh, take some responsibility, Nadia!  You shot at least one of them!

NADIA
Mason, you shot all of them, you shot all of them over a speeding ticket.

MASON
Bullshit- count your bullets, Nadia!

NADIA
You took my gun from me to kill the first one.

MASON
I did?

NADIA 
You took my gun from me, shot him, then turned to me and said, “I had to surprise him.”  Surprise him!

MASON
Had his hand on his gun-

NADIA
Oh, and another thing I don’t get-

MASON
Swear to God!

NADIA
Another thing I don’t get; you kill a cop you have to kill his backup, I get that.  But, why the hell would you shoot his cargo?

MASON
What the spick in his backseat?  Witnesses, hello!

NADIA
And I suppose that drug dog’s testimony would’ve clinched your case too, jackass?  You’re fucking intolerable!  

SCENE 5- Hotel Room

FEIVEL  
"When your lonely heart has learned its lesson.  She'd be yours if only she would call.  In the wee small hours of the morning, is when you miss her most of all."

JASPER
Shut up, Feivel.  I don't need this now.

FEIVEL enters from the closet, lounge suit, fedora, a true Sinatran disciple.

FEIVEL
Well, Jasper, when are you going to mourn my death if not tonight?

JASPER
You're not dead, they never found you, don't bring this down on my head.

FEIVEL
Blah blah blah, why didn't you come back for us?  I thought um... I thought we were close you know.  When someone says to you, you're like my brother it's kind of one of those things where you assume- I don't know maybe I'm just blowing smoke here, but you'd assume that person wouldn't leave you in a den of fucking lions and NOT come back for you.  Generally speaking of course, maybe you had something else going on.

JASPER
Yeah, maybe I did, maybe you said you can take care of yourself and I had something else going on.  Maybe.  There you go, so stop haunting me, get the hell out of my hotel room.

FEIVEL
Whoa, haunting you?  Now I'm a ghost?  OooooOOoo.  Maybe I'm just a memory, maybe your guilt is trying to manifest itself.

JASPER
What's the difference?  Ghosts, memories, guilt, all the same thing to me.

FEIVEL
Look, I don't wanna be here forever.  I just came for an apology.

JASPER
Who the hell told you I was in the apology business?

FEIVEL
I just heard you were giving out apologies.  You know it's never too late and you know how patient I am, I'm your brother.  I’m your partner of 16 years.  Maybe you apologize to me, I forgive you, next thing you know you might be able to forgive yourself.  How’s about it?

JASPER
Christ you're gonna make me cry, Feivel. I had no control!  There were no good options available!  I won't apologize because I didn't kill you!  But I had to leave you.  That sucked for me ok.  Our partnership meant everything to me-

FEIVEL
Really, everything?

JASPER
No, not everything, but almost.  There was just one thing that meant more to me.  It's why I had to leave and now she's gone too.  I don't know who they're going to send next or who he's coming with.  It would be nothing for them just to bomb the whole fucking hotel.  I just... just stay here ok?  Feivel, just hang out for a few hours, can you do that?

FEIVEL
What a pansy.  Is Daisy mad at you?

JASPER
I think so.  You know I've decided to go on this passive rampage in her fucking name, and she thinks it's selfish!  

FEIVEL
She thinks you're just trying to nullify your own failures.

JASPER
Or something, yeah.

FEIVEL
And she's wrong?

JASPER
Hell yeah!  Well kind of, it's... I’m doing this for-

FEIVEL
For her, you said that.

JASPER
Well yeah for her and also for forgiveness, if that makes sense.

FEIVEL
Forgiveness?  Whoa, does that mean you’ve done something you’re sorry for?

JASPER
Shit.  I'm sorry.  

FEIVEL
Aww.  Well at least you’re sorry for something!  I’ve known you for a long time and I haven’t seen you sorry for one damned thing.

JASPER
Hell.  I’m sorry for everything, Feivel.

FEIVEL
So this is for everything?

JASPER
This is for everything damn-it!  I have a whole hell of a lot to be sorry for and I know this might not change anything, or redeem anything, but I have nothing else to lose!  Drink?

FEIVEL
Yup.  

JASPER
I don’t have priorities.  I’m not that organized.  But I know that if I can’t get Daisy’s forgiveness, if I can’t get your forgiveness, my own forgiveness doesn’t mean shit to me.

FEIVEL
So you put a bullet in Daisy's killer, then what?

JASPER
I'm not really taking requests, Feivel, if that's what you're suggesting.

FEIVEL
No, I'm just saying, you punch a guy in the eye, hit the next guy with a crowbar, shoot the next, you get going and uh… you know I’m just saying, if you come across the guy who did me in… 

JASPER
Hit him with a crowbar?

FEIVEL
Anyway- to forgiveness, yes? 

JASPER
Cheers.

FEIVEL 
Hey someone’s at the door.

MASON kicks the door in, shotgun in hand.

MASON
You wanted to see me?

JASPER
The door is already broken!

MASON
Hartford sent me to Des Moines fucking Iowa because you asked him to???  Do you know how pissed off I am at you, ya prick?  

JASPER
Did you kill Daisy?

MASON
What?  You think Hartford would just send to you any head you want on a platter???  I'm here to kill you, Jasper.  You're a traitor.  You're a cockroach.  Go to hell.  

MASON cocks the gun.  Slow Motion.  FEIVEL remains in real time as he sings "Under My Skin" - Sinatra., MASON fires and misses.  JASPER grabs the floor lamp by the desk as MASON recoils.  JASPER emerges and begins to swing the lamp.  FEIVEL strolls around to unplug the lamp in mid swing.  FEIVEL then takes a seat with the drink to watch the action.  Real time resumes.  MASON ducks the lamp swing and lunges at JASPER enraged.  MASON lands a couple punches, takes the lamp from him and begins to strangle JASPER with the barrel of his shotgun against the desk.  Real time resumes.    

MASON
Little prick!  I didn't kill your bitch, but I'll watch you die with a smile!

FEIVEL strolls by and puts his empty bottle down on the desk.  Exits.  JASPER finds the bottle and smashes it over MASON'S head.  JASPER apprehends the shotgun and takes aim.

JASPER
How much do you think it is to FedEx a corpse?  (Shrugs) you're paying for it.  

Click.

JASPER
... You only put one shell in it?  You came all the way to Des Moines with one shell???

MASON
No!  I ran into some trouble on the road. 

JASPER
Do you have family?

MASON
Fuck, man do you have any ice?

JASPER
Yeah there's an ice machine down the hall.  

MASON
Can we go get some.

JASPER
Yeah, let me make you some chicken noodle soup too.

JASPER swats MASON with the barrel.  

JASPER
Who killed Daisy son of a bitch!? 

MASON
You hit me in the cavity!  I just got that shit filled!

JASPER
Put your hand on the wall!

MASON
What?

JASPER
I said put your hand on the wall, asshole!

MASON
I heard what you said, I just wondered why!  Ok!

MASON puts his hand on the wall.

JASPER
Thank you. 

JASPER smashes MASON’S hand with the handle of the gun against the wall.

MASON
Ahh!!  I have an infected hangnail you fucking prick!

MASON coils up on the bed and nurses his hand.

JASPER
This has been a long night.  

JASPER grabs Tony’s gun from the desk and cocks it.

JASPER
Tell me who killed Daisy or you’re flying home in boxes.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK-

MAID
Housekeeping.

JASPER
I said come back tomorrow!

MAID
You say come back in twenty minutes with your note.

JASPER 
That didn’t seem like twenty minutes.

MAID (suddenly not so Hispanic)
Oh fuck it.

NADIA kicks in the door, notices MASON bleeding on the bed, JASPER with the gun.  She points a pistol at JASPER.

NADIA
Sheezus, Jasper!  Is he dead?     

JASPER
Who are you?  You’re not the maid- oh.

NADIA
Is Mason dead!?

JASPER
Nnnno.  You wanna drop the gun?

NADIA
You wanna drop yours?

JASPER
Rather not.  

NADIA
Why does it smell like Hooch in here?

JASPER
It’s probably the room next door- either side really, or even across the hall, my room is like in the eye of the fucking hooker hurricane you know- though I haven't gotten any in like 10 months-

NADIA
Booze, dumbass!  Is he drunk?

JASPER
Drunk on head trauma.  I need the douche-bag who killed Daisy, do you know where he is?

NADIA
... What happened to Daisy was your fault.  You were too late and you deserve to die.

JASPER
I'm not arguing!  But I did not kill Daisy!  

NADIA
You might as well have!  You turned your back on her, her and Feivel!

JASPER
I had no choice!  Who the hell are you!?

NADIA
I'm Nadia.

MASON
Yeah that’s Nadia.

JASPER raises the gun preparing to deliver the blow to MASON.

JASPER
Wait, are you new?

NADIA
... To this particular-

JASPER
Then what the hell do you know about anything, drop the gun!

NADIA
What are you doing here?  Hartford is just going to keep sending soldiers here-

JASPER
Until they're all fucking dead!  That's right!  And when he stops sending them, I get mobile- THIS WILL NOT END until he wants ME to end it!  

NADIA
He just wants it to end- we all just want it to end.

JASPER
You must not be too eager, you would've killed me by now.

NADIA
Do you think killing you will bring us any closer to an ending?

JASPER
... Are we talking about the same thing?

NADIA shoots MASON dead.

NADIA
I'm going to find Daisy's killer and I'll bring him to you.  We're going to end this.  But you have to do something for me.

JASPER
Hold on!  Just wait a damned minute ok!  Who    Are    You????

NADIA
My name is Nadia.  I need you to kill one more before I send you Daisy's killer.  Call it a trade, you do me a favor, I'll do you a favor.  In case you haven't figured it out, you have no choice, but to trust me.

JASPER
Wow, great cliche, Nadia.  I could not trust you and shoot you in your back on your way out.  There's no such thing as no choice.

NADIA
It seems to me you’re more prone to hit someone with a gun then shoot them with it, which means A: you’re empty, or B: Just a sweetheart looking for a way out of this hellish mess- albeit a slow way.

JASPER
But it’s never both is it?

NADIA
Wouldn’t that be convenient?  

JASPER
Ok, Nadia.  It’s clear to me that Hartford isn’t going to send me Daisy’s killer no matter how many soldiers I send back to him in caskets.  So my plan was to go after him, BUT if you have a better plan- explaining why in the hell I should stay here- tell me or I’m fucking leaving, did I make sense just now, my mind’s been doing funny things as of late…

MASON’S dead corpse comes alive long enough to give JAPSER the bird and a raspberry.  

NADIA
I told you.  I’m going to find Daisy’s killer for you and trust me, I know how to find him.  But why would I just tell you when I can use it as a bargaining chip for me?  I need you to kill one more guy.  That’s it.  It won’t be hard.  

NADIA turns to exit.

JASPER
Fine, but who?

NADIA
He killed Feivel.  

NADIA takes a step toward the door then slowly turns back to JASPER, sniffing the air.

NADIA
Did you just shit your pants??

JASPER
It’s Mason.

NADIA
Whatever.

JASPER
No I’m serious, he shit himself when you shot him.  The first thing that happens to a person when you shoot them is they lose control of their bowels.  And actually, we’re lucky he didn’t vomit.  Getting shot is an unbearably embarrassing ordeal.  I mean thinking about it, I could probably take the pain, but the whole shitty pants thing… gross.  Haven’t you shot anybody before?

NADIA
Well yeah.  I guess I’ve just never stuck around to see if they shit themselves or not.

JASPER
They do.

NADIA
… ok.  

FEIVEL passes NADIA as she exits.  He stares her down passionately.

FEIVEL
Holy shit.

JASPER
She's just your type isn't she.  

FEIVEL
You ain't kiddin', friend.  So now what?

JASPER
Daisy?!

DAISY enters slowly- sax music.

DAISY
Yeah?

JASPER
What should I do?

DAISY
About what?  Hi Feivel.

FEIVEL
Hey Daisy.

JASPER
Nadia... she wants me to kill one more to get to the guy who killed you, I mean what the hell is that?  Is she undercover, is she a liar- she sure isn't afraid to pull the trigger, it feels like she's dumping her dirty laundry onto me... she's hiding too much.  

DAISY
Hmm.  Feivel, what do you think?

FEIVEL
I think I'd like to thank the guy who wrote the song that made my baby fall in love with me...

DAISY and FEIVEL dance a disco dance to "Who Put the Bomp?" MASON begins flipping JASPER off and giving him raspberries again.  JASPER wraps MASON in the comforter and drags him off stage.

JASPER
You guys are no help at all.

Fade to Black.

ACT 2

SCENE ONE- THUG and BRUTE’S car.

THUG and BRUTE have been in the car for far too long.  THUG’s boredom is boring a hole through his head, BRUTE looks more inquisitive.  

BRUTE
Jim Carrey.  Now I’ll bet you $1000 Jim Carrey carries a gun.

THUG
Jim Carrey does not carry a gun, who the hell would want to kill him?

BRUTE
Plenty of people!  He’s a celebrity!  Tons of psychos out there target celebs, especially the internationals.

THUG
International psychos?

BRUTE
Celebrities.

THUG
Jim Carrey’s Canadian I don’t think that counts.

BRUTE
International or not, he carries.  He knows.  He knows the value of a little notoriety to a psycho.  I mean if I were a psycho, I’d make damned sure I left a legacy.  I’d be the guy who drowned Jared from Subway in a vat of lard.  Or the guy who filled water balloons with piss and cyanide and hurled them into crowds at the presidential inauguration, or the Super Bowl. People would talk about me like, “How many swastikas did he graffiti on the Wailing Wall?”  “Filled what to the brim with genital parasites?”  “Got the whole Vatican addicted to what?”  How??  A little notoriety.  Just saying.

THUG
You can’t leave a more positive legacy?  “Covered the Statue of Liberty in how many flowers?”

BRUTE
What’s the title of that book that Hitler wrote?

THUG
Mein Kamf.

BRUTE
And the book Churchill wrote?... I rest my case.  

SCENE TWO- Hotel Room

FEIVEL sits on the edge of the bed as JASPER throws a deck of cards around.

JASPER
Something's wrong... I've been waiting too long here.  

FEIVEL
Oh shit...Have you seen "Miller's Crossing?"

JASPER
Of course... you think Nadia's seen "Miller's Crossing?"

FEIVEL
I'm thinking she has.

JASPER
You think she lied to me and went back to Hartford to tell him I'm dead so I didn't... shit.  But then why didn't she just kill me?

FEIVEL
She likes you.

JASPER
Bullshit.  No one likes me.  Fuck this, I'm going after them.

As JASPER gets to the door the phone rings.  JASPER turns around.  The door is kicked in, hits JASPER who falls to the floor.

MR. SHACKLEFERD 
Jasper, you sorry, sorry piece of shit!

JASPER
(From the floor) The door’s already broken!

MR. SHACKLEFERD picks up JASPER by the shirt collar.

JASPER
Mr. Shackleferd?

FEIVEL
Who the hell is that?

JASPER
It’s Mr. Shackleferd, my seventh grade gym teacher… What are you doing here??

MR. SHACKLEFERD
Do you realize how inconsiderate you are being to all the parasite-hosting whores who could be using this room for business to buy some reconstructive surgery and breast implants for their prepubescent sons and daughters!?

JASPER
Breast implants for their sons?

MR. SHACKLEFERD
There’s a demand for everything these days, fifteen pushups, Ethel!  Now!

JASPER obeys.

MR. SHACKLEFERD
Look at what you amounted to, are you proud of this??  At least whores work hard for their money!  They make a living, they develop a skill-set!  You lie!  You cheat!  You steal!  You are lower than them!  Even the parasites on their genitalia have one or two long-term goals!  You are rotting away in a hotel room, stupid, outsmarted, rotting wad of meat!

FEIVEL
Jasper, get off the floor!

MR. SHACKLEFERD
Do ten more for your friend!

FEIVEL
Kiss my ass, gym teacher!  This man lived a life!  This man contributed more to this world than you could ever dream of!  He gave all of himself to his friends- hell, to strangers!  A fucking modern day Robin of Nottingham!  Jasper had an unshakable love in his life- unshakable!  It made the mountains look jittery!  And a love like that doesn’t just occur.  It takes balls pal.  It takes agonizing sacrifice.  It takes more of a man than you could even aspire to be.  So you can back the hell off of him.  Shove that whistle up your ass, go back to your mom’s house and get drunk and fail to kill yourself- again!  This is my friend and his accomplishments are well beyond your feeble fucking comprehension.  Fuck.  Off.   

JASPER
Thanks.  

MR. SHACKLEFERD removes his whistle, inserts it in his rectum, and exits.

JASPER
You really think that about me man?

FEIVEL
… I think so.  I mean don’t get me wrong, you’ve slipped, but… I think you’re on your way back.  Which is good because I missed you.

FEIVEL helps JASPER off of the floor just in time for the door to be kicked in yet again, smacking JASPER back down.  BRUTE and THUG enter.

BRUTE
Where's Nadia, you son of a bitch!  Where is she!?

Freeze frame.

JASPER VO
So let me tell you why I am screwed.  This guy’s known as the Brute.  The alias downplays his capabilities by a long shot.  He’s never missed a target.  I mean ever.  I heard this story once where The Brute actually buried a bullet in the back of a guy’s head by hitting it with a golf club.  So I’m screwed.

JASPER 
(From the floor) The door's already broken!

THUG and BRUTE search the room.

JASPER VO
Now I was just expecting the one guy.  If Nadia told me there would be two guys, I still would’ve taken the deal, but I would’ve stuck a little closer to my guns.  Tony’s felt light, probably only has three or four left in it and of course the one in mine.  Truth be told, I don’t like holding guns.  Don’t like the way they make your hands smell.  Like car change and iodine.  

THUG
She ain't here!  Where'd she go?

JASPER 
(From the floor) Did you check the closet or the shower?

BRUTE
*Yells something in Russian*

THUG
*Yells something back in Russian*

BRUTE picks JASPER up off the floor.  Punches him hard in the face.  JASPER reels back over the desk chair.  

JASPER (from the floor)
Whoo!  Feels like you might have done that once or twice before.  So uh.  Which one of you cock jockeys killed Feivel?

THUG
Both of us.

BRUTE
*Yells something in Russian*

THUG
We will ask the questions!

THUG slams JASPERS head on the side of the desk.

BRUTE
Where’s Nadia, fucker?!

JASPER
She’s at the door.

THUG and BRUTE both whip their heads to the door.

JASPER
Haa! 

THUG kicks JASPER in the ribs and throws him on the bed.  BRUTE draws his gun.

BRUTE
It’s a shame, I was really hoping you’d know.  See I’m kind of out of leads.

JASPER
Oh, owowowow, what did I land on??

JASPER searches underneath him to find a middle finger.

JASPER
Oh here it is, I’m glad I found that.

BRUTE takes aim.  BRUTE fires.  JASPER ducks down on the bed.

THUG
… Did you just miss?

BRUTE
N-hiccup- no!

JASPER
Yyyes you did.

BRUTE
D-hiccup- DIE RAT!

BRUTE fires and misses again.

THUG
Brute, what is wrong with you?

JASPER
He’s got freaking hiccups! Oh thank God!

THUG pulls out a knife.  Phone rings.

JASPER
I got it!

BRUTE
A-hiccup-Answer it!

JASPER
I said I got it, I was already gonna, Christ.  

JASPER answers.  After a pause, slow motion, JASPER begins to swing the phone toward BRUTE's head.

NADIA 
(On the phone) Jasper listen, I hope this isn't too late.  Two guys are headed over there, they'll be looking for me, they killed Feivel, make the bastards hurt!

FEIVEL enters to unplug the phone for full range of motion.  JASPER makes contact and sends BRUTE back, real time resumes.  THUG swipes at JASPER.  JASPER picks up a chair to absorb the blade.  BRUTE regains composure to shoot at JASPER and miss again.  Slow motion resumes.

JASPER
Feivel, do you see this?!  We found them!

FEIVEL
I'm proud of ya kid!

JASPER
Thanks!  ... They're pretty big though... how uh... what should I do?

FEIVEL
Well it seems like Nadia followed through, or maybe she's just trying to keep you here longer-

JASPER
Hey they're getting pretty close, you think you can help me?

FEIVEL
I'm just a ghost, Jasper.  What am I supposed to do?

FEIVEL hits BRUTE with a pillow from the bed.

JASPER
Fucking hysterical, Feivel.  This is no time to be hilarious ok!  I need some help here!

FEIVEL
Do these dumbasses deserve to die for murdering me?

JASPER
Hell yeah.

FEIVEL
Do you love Daisy?

JASPER 
Hell yeah!

FEIVEL 
Then kicks some ass, damn-it!

Resume real time.  JASPER dips and dodges his way to the bathroom as FEIVEL continues to pummel them with a pillow.  FEIVEL takes a break to pee as the fight continues behind him.  JASPER tears down the shower curtain pole for a weapon.  FEIVEL flushes.  JASPER's attention turns to the toilet.  He takes the toilet back lid off and lunges at his assailants.  Slow motion resumes.

JASPER VO
Then I started thinking, sure this is for me.  Sure this is one way I can learn to forgive myself, but I still wasn’t sure how any of this made sense...

FEIVEL takes toilet lid from JASPER as JASPER steps aside.  FEIVEL continues to beat down his murderers.  DAISY enters and approaches JASPER to kiss him passionately. 

JASPER VO
This is all part of something enormous, and I am just a vessel.  We're all just vessels.  We're all just little pieces of puzzle pieces and nothing makes sense until we see the big picture.  And most of us will never see the big picture.  That’s why we have to have faith that things don’t just fucking transpire!  That’s what love is.  This is for love!

JASPER
I'm almost there, baby.

DAISY
I know.

DAISY and JASPER kiss passionately.  FEIVEL continues beating assailants.  Lights fade.    

SCENE THREE- DARRELL’S car

DARRELL is in his car.  Hasn’t slept in days.  His head begins to tilt and swivel on his neck.  The highway shoulder rumbles beneath the vehicle.  A horn blares and shakes DARRELL awake.  Back on the road, his head begins to fall again.

VO DARRELL
I’ve been looking for my brother for two years.  We miss him and it’s time for him to come home.  Seems like the only time I’m able to sleep is behind the wheel.  I wake up in parking lots, cornfields.  Once a gas station cashier thought I was dead.  Gas overflowing out of my tank onto my face, passed-out against the pump.  I’m always just one step behind him.  I keep thinking I’ll wake up in Purgatory and another soul will tell me, “Mason was just here!”

A cell phone rings, waking DARRELL.

DARRELL
Yeah.  I’m driving.  I’m in… I don’t know.  Des Moines??  You found him in Des Moines??  What’s he doing in… is he dead?

SCENE FOUR- Hotel Room

FEIVEL is in the spotlight, covered in blood.  He sings "They Can’t Take That Away From Me" as this scene occurs.  JASPER is going through wallets at the desk.  Not finding much as he flings one after another behind him.  DAISY joins FEIVEL for the song.  JASPER plugs the phone back in.  MASON joins in the song, abrasion and leaky torso.  JAPSER collects his attackers' knives and places them in the desk drawer.  BRUTE and THUG stand up, bloodied and bashed and join in the song.  It's a party atmosphere, balloons, dancing, fun lights.  The PISSED-ON SPIDER enters for the big finish.  JASPER sits at the front of the stage as this is going on around him.

Phone rings.  

JASPER
Out!  Everyone out!  Go!  (Answering the phone) Yeah?

NADIA
Is it ok to come in?

JASPER
In where?  Are you here?

NADIA
Yeah are you done?

JASPER hangs up and answers the door.

NADIA
Can’t be too cautious.

JASPER
Yeah, mind sending them one at a time from now on?

NADIA
They’re dead, both of them?

JASPER
What- yeah they're both dead, why were they speaking Russian?

NADIA
Because they're Russian.

JASPER
Who were they, were they with Hartford?

NADIA
No, different outfit, collectors.  

JASPER
And they killed Feivel?

NADIA
Yeah.  I was next.  Thought there would just be the one, didn't know he'd made a friend, I'm sorry about that.  I'm glad you're ok.

NADIA pulls her gun on JASPER.

JASPER
Oh come on-

NADIA
You left Feivel to die.  You fucking left him!

JASPER
What do you care!?  (beat) …oh-

NADIA smiles and shrugs before firing.  JASPER evades the bullet narrowly.

NADIA
God-damn right, I loved him!  Die you little weasel!  

NADIA fires two more, one dodged, one grazed.

JASPER
He was my brother Nadia, I wouldn’t have left him there if I’d had a choice!  Does that make sense?

NADIA
No.

JASPER
Daisy was in trouble I had to leave Jasper to find her- you’d leave your best friend for Feivel wouldn’t you?  I mean wouldn’t you, seriously, is that something a decent person does?  I thought it was.  But we’re freaking cockroaches no matter what we do aren’t we.  Cockroaches, igniting chaos wherever we step.

NADIA
If Daisy’s best friend left her to die, to save the man she loved, would you want to kill her too?

JASPER
Wait, would I kill Daisy?

NADIA
No, dumbass, her friend!

JASPER
… No, can’t kill someone because they’re in love.  But I’ve said all I can say, if you still want to kill me, I’ll stop squirming.  Just do it in the bathroom, it’s already a mess in there, and I don’t want to cause the maids anymore problems-

NADIA
It doesn’t matter.  I’m empty.

JASPER
How the hell are you empty, that was three shots.

NADIA
(Breaking down) I snagged some trouble on the road..  I was reloading.. and the bullets fell between the seats and the car is such a fucking mess and I couldn’t get them because my fingers are too fat because I’ve been eating so much fucking fast food on the road because I’ve just been so stressed-  Jasper, it’s been such a bad day.  

NADIA slumps over to JASPER and hugs him.  JASPER keeps his eye on her gun behind him.

JASPER
I know it has.  

NADIA notices JASPER’s accumulating arsenal on the desk.   

NADIA
Holy shit.  Are those loaded?

JASPER
I think so, except for the knives.  Well, that one is for sure empty and so is that one.

NADIA
Ok wait so this one (shotgun).

JASPER
Mason’s empty.

NADIA 
Yeah we hit some trouble on the road-

JASPER
I’ve heard.

NADIA tosses it and picks a pistol.

JASPER
That’s mine, I’ve got one more.

NADIA 
Spend wisely.

NADIA gives JASPER his gun and finds, Tony’s pistol.

JASPER
That’s Tony’s gun, it should have a few more in it.

NADIA
Ok, (sets it on the desk) and do you plan on using any knives this evening?

JASPER
God no, I don’t know how to use a knife.

NADIA
You hold it by the handle and kill with the other end-

JASPER
I meant regarding technique- martial use.

NADIA
It’s not complicated Jasper, point out, handle in-

JASPER
I don’t wanna use any knives ok?  Hey what do you care anyway?  You planned on putting a hole in my skull a couple minutes ago, what do you care what’s loaded, empty, or if I’m going to use knives, use knives on what?  You don’t know how to find Daisy’s killer.  You just wanted vengeance for Feivel!

NADIA
Vengeance for Feivel would make a great title for a play or something, or maybe a rock band-

JASPER
Bitch, listen!  The guys who killed Feivel are dead, you have an ending, congratulations.  And if you’re not satisfied with that then you can kill me too, what the hell.  Because I’m no closer to an ending than when I started.  I mean, for all I know you sent those two pricks after me on purpose and you were just going to kill them after they killed me.  But I’m sure fucking glad it all worked out for you anyway.  Use knives on what?

NADIA
I don’t want to kill you Jasper.  You can’t kill someone just for being in love right?  Love is painful enough.  I’ve spent the passed few weeks scurrying around trying to find you and whoever else killed Feivel, I don’t even know why.  Just grasping for things to make sense I guess.  Flailing my arms around for balance.  I miss my boyfriend.  

JASPER
I miss him too.  I’m sorry.

NADIA
Me too.

NADIA takes aim and fires at JASPER.  Click.

NADIA
Thought it was worth a shot.

NADIA exits.

SCENE FIVE- Hotel Room still.

JASPER VO
I try to put it all together in my head.  I feel like all the pieces are there.  But none of them fit.  Or the puzzle is just too big or my card table is just to small or… I fucking hate analogies.  I just don’t get it.

Knock, knock, knock.

JASPER
About time someone learned to knock.  

Just as JASPER has the door open, he's grazed by a bullet.  TONY and HARTFORD enter.

HARTFORD
You're right, Tony, he's gotten quick.  But still, was that so hard?  

JASPER
Hartford.

HARTFORD
Jasper.  It seems you've been making a bit of a racket.  Tony here tells me you're looking for the guy that killed Daisy, well.  I thought I'd just come down here and straighten things out on my own.  You've made quite the fucking mess for yourself, I'd say.  Tony, Mason, Nadia, not to mention Feivel and Daisy and God knows whom else.  I think it's time we end the destruction by killing off the source.  Don't you?

JASPER
You're the destroyer not me.  I wouldn't have kicked up any dust-

TONY
Jasper!  It's over!  You wouldn't leave it alone, you just kept on pressing those buttons and this is what you get!  

JASPER pulls his own gun.

TONY
Your empty.  Otherwise you wouldn't have hesitated, not to mention all the bodies you've gone through.

JASPER
I think I got one or two left.  I'm just thinking if I just have one, which one of you bitches to kill before I'm fired back on.  

HARTFORD
What makes you think you get a dying request?

JASPER
Isn't that a formality?  I thought that was the etiquette in this kind of execution type situation.

The door is kicked in.  TONY and HARTFORD spin around to see DARRELL holding NADIA in front of him.  JASPER shoots HARTFORD in the chest. Slow motion.

JASPER VO
Now I'm not sure if Hartford killed Daisy or not, but it just seemed like the thing to do, especially considering the fucking lunatic shot me.  And it's apparent that Tony has chosen a side.  Shit, now that I point my gun at him I remember, I've already shot this bastard.  I'm empty!  Well fuck!  I don't know who has Nadia, but he looks like she'd given him a hard time.  Cotton balls up his nose, causing his big dumb mouth to hang open.  Bet he thought I was alone.  Bet his mind is reeling.  He's going to shoot somebody.  And If it's not Tony, I'm fucked.  This could be it.

FEIVEL enters.  FEIVEL and NADIA pull DARRELL'S arm so the gun aims at TONY.  DARRELL fires, TONY drops.  NADIA elbows DARREL and jumps into FEIVEL'S arms.  They samba to some easy music while JASPER scrambles for TONY'S gun.  DARRELL recovers, they point their pistols at each other.  FEIVEL and NADIA stop dancing to kiss.  DAISY enters.  JASPER watches her as she slowly strolls passed him.

DAISY
You did good baby.  I forgive you.

NADIA FEIVEL AND JASPER
"Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do!  I'm-"

As JASPER is gazing at DAISY, who's looking especially beautiful, DARRELL shoots him in the chest.  Resume real time JASPER doesn’t notice his wound, but continues to stare lovingly at DAISY.  JASPER slowly turns his head back toward DARRELL who still has his gun aimed.  JASPER then notices the hole in his chest and becomes annoyed.  He shoots back, but he is empty.  DAISY exits.

JASPER
(Talking to the gun) Tony, you shithead!  

DARRELL
Which one of you is Jasper?

JASPER raises his hand.

DARRELL
Mason was my brother.  You killed him.

JASPER
Did you murder my wife, you son of a bitch!

DARRELL
Nadia?

JASPER
Daisy!

DARRELL
... No I didn't.

JASPER arcs his head to glare confused at NADIA who reveals a bullet wound in her chest and shrugs.

JASPER
What the fuck is going on???

DARRELL
You've lost it, Jasper.  My name is Darrell.  I'm ending it.   

JASPER
It's not over.  None of this makes sense.  The Russians, Nadia... I don't understand any of this.  

DAISY enters.

DAISY
Jasper!?

JASPER
Sorry, darling, I don't know who killed you-

DAISY
Who the hell is this?

JASPER
It's Darrell, I killed his brother or some shit.  

DARRELL
Where the hell did you come from?

JASPER
Wait, you can see her??? 

DAISY
Hartford told me to wait in the car or he'd kill me, but it was taking him this long- oh it's a dream come true to see you again, baby.

JASPER 
You're alive!?

DAISY
Yeah...

JASPER
You're alive, Christ!  

They kiss.

DAISY
Baby are you shot???

JASPER
(To NADIA and FEIVEL) Wait are you still alive?

NADIA AND FEIVEL
Nope.

DARRELL shakes his head in confusion and exits.

DAISY
Who shot you, are you ok??

JASPER
Are you pissed at me?

DAISY
Who shot you???  What’s that smell?

JASPER
It’s me, I shit myself it’s what happens when… hm.  Man on Fire.

DAISY
What??

JASPER 
Like Man On Fire when Pita ended up being alive the whole time.

DAISY
Honey I don't think anyone saw that movie.  Who shot you???

JASPER
… I’m fucking sleeeeepy.

DAISY
Jasper!  Please,

JASPER
What, please what, why the hell are you crying?

DAISY
Because you’re dying, baby.

JASPER
Oh.  I guess I am.  I love you.  

DAISY
I love you, Jasper, and I swear to God whoever killed you is going to pay and burn in hell-

JASPER
Well he was just here. 

DAISY
He was?

JASPER
(beat) No.  You know what?  Fuck him.

DAISY
What, what do you mean?

JASPER
… I mean I killed him.  He’s dead.  Hartford’s dead.

DAISY
You killed him?

JASPER
This has been a mess...

DAISY
I know.  But it's over now.  It's all over.

JASPER
I’d like to thank you.

DAISY
Oh, and I’d like to thank you.

JASPER
"I'd like to thank the guy..."

FEIVEL AND JASPER
"Who wrote the song that made my baby fall in love with me..."

ALL on stage for a "Who Put the Bomp" dance party.

END