THE HONTUBBY WEEDWHACKER INCIDENT

BY:

KYLE VANDAGRIFF

"They don't come to you.......you come to them."

TEXT BEGINS SCROLLING DOWN THE SCREEN-
TEXT:
The movie which you are about to see is an account of a tragedy involving a group of 5 youths and a monkey named brocky embarking on a trip to Hodgen on November 5th, 2003. What started out as a joyous evening soon turned into a nightmare. None of them were ready for the mad and macabre that they were about to see. Especially for Kyle Vandagriff and girlfriend Christa. None of them were prepared as they entered the town from hell. None of them were prepared…. for the Hontubby Weedwhacker incident. 

CLOSE UP ON:
BRIGHT SHOT OF THE SUN.-
 PAN DOWN on what looks like a SMALL HIGH SCHOOL. The high school is a weird shaped building, hard to even describe, with a pale tan roof and brick walls.ENTER into the high school's PURPLE FRONT DOORS as the BEGGINING CREDITS Fade in and out on the screen. STRAIGHT DOWN the hall past some purple lockers. Two hot girls pass by. Follow them for a few seconds then turn back around. back out through a side door, down the alley, and into the window of a classroom where KYLE VANDAGRIFF, 15 yrs old, brown hair,  green eyes is sitting in a classroom drawing on his desk out of boredom, "I AM THE HULK. RARGH" with a bad drawing of the HULK on it.-

TEACHER:
 Now you see I believe that gun control is a bad idea. If everyone had a gun  I feel the world will be a safer place and we wouldn't have these....hooligans running around.
-Kyle raises his HAND-

KYLE:
 But sir, if everyone had a gun wouldn't everyone  be shooting eachother?

 -The teacher stares at Kyle BLANKLY.-

TEACHER:
 Kyle….shut up…if everyone had a gun there would be less rapists, robbers and other bad evil things. You know why? Because if these "evil people" tried to do anything to the "good people" the good people can just pull out their shotgun and blow the "bad people" away. Did I put it in simple enough terms for you?

- BOB, 15 yrs old, BLEACHED WHITE HAIR, turns around.-

 BOB:
HAHAHA! You got owned!

KYLE:
owned?
 BOB:
 yeah owned! Don't you listen to the rap?

 KYLE:
uh……no. I'm a rocker!

 BOB:
oh yeah. *rolls eyes * Well anyway there's this new song out by G daddy flash, you know that guy who has two hits songs called "Yo white rich man I'm gonna slash your tires" and "Ill bust a cap in your redneck ***". 

KYLE:
 Oh are you talking about the guy who got shot 17 times in the face!?
 Bob:
 *sigh * 
yes. Anyway his new hit song is called "Whitey got owned" and its about women shaking their thongs, Driving around in mercedes benz, breakdancing, and some white dude getting shot for dancing really bad. It's really cool!

 -Kyle stares at him blankly. Kyle slaps bob in the face-
BOB:
AG! What the!?
 KYLE: 
HAHA! YOU GOT OWNED WHITE BOY!
TEACHER:
KYLLLLLLLEEEE!
 [Kyle looks at the teacher. Mr. JOJO walks over to Kyle. Kyle puts his hand over his drawing and put's on a smile]
 KYLE:
yes Mr. Jojo!?Your topic over  gun control is very intriguing and interesting! I love hearing my favorite U.S history teacher!
MR. JOJO:
Kyle, please just shut up...and stop trying to cover up that picture of the Hulk, I saw it when you raised your hand the first time.
- Kyle snaps his fingers and says "crap!"-
MR. JOJO: 
Anyways....did I hear a racial slur coming from your mouth?
KYLE:
How can it be racist if we're both white dudes?
MR. JOJO:
BECAUSE HE ACTS LIKE A BLACK MAN YOU IDIOT!
 -Bob looks confused.-
MR.JOJO:
and what did I tell you about slapping people?

KYLE:
Um...not to?

MR. JOJO:
NO YOU WHITETRASH DEER EATING TRAILER LIVING IDIOT!!! If you ARE going to slap someone and you're really mad at them...you don't slap them like this!

- Mr. Jojo SLAPS BOB like Kyle slapped him.-
BOB:
HEY! ow!
MR. JOJO:
This...is how you slap them..

- Mr. JOJO BACKHANDS BOB IN THE FACE! Bob falls out of his chair.-
BOB:
AGGGG! I'm gonna sue you for all you worth you...
- Mr. Jojo Sidekicks bob in the face knocking him out cold.The rest of the class CHEERS!-
MR. JOJO: 
that's self-defense for you!
KYLE:
Why do I need to know self defense?

MR. JOJO: 
BECAUSE YOU SUCK! Now stay after class....i've got something for you to do....

EXT. SCHOOL. Everyone is walking around going home. BOB stands by Mr. Jojo's classroom door. Bob is still holding his jaw in pain. KYLE walks out  licking his shirt trying to get something off his tongue. Kyle spits.

KYLE:
Dude, I can't beleive Mr. Jojo made me clean off that desk with my tongue!
BOB:
He did? Man, he's pretty messed up. I heard he's been messed up like that since Desert Storm...
KYLE:
Well still, I could've got lead poisoning from that desk....or maybe even AIDS..
BOBS:
Yeah....AIDS sucks...

- Kyle and Bob Continue walking quietly-

BOB:
So...are we still on for tonight?

KYLE:
We're doing something tonight?
BOB:
Yeah, man! It's Friday! We always do something on Friday remember?
KYLE:
Well....what did we do last Friday..
BOB:
We stuck One-armed Frank in that Ice Truck and locked him in remember!?

KYLE:
OH YEAH! You know.....I haven't seen him around lately......

BOB:
That's because that ice truck was going to Cuba!
- Bob starts cracking up-
KYLE:
So....what are we doing tonight?
BOB:
Shooting fireworks at the butane tanks..
KYLE:
Well....umm....isn't that a little bit dangerous?
BOB:
HA! Danger is my middle name!
KYLE:
Your middle name is David...
BOB:
Oh...yeah...well Who cares! Those guys on Jackass did it!
- A skinny, lanky, tall boy, about the same age as Kyle walks up beside them-
LANCE:
Hey dudes....how's it going?
KYLE:
Bob got kicked in the face by Mr. Jojo...
-Lance starts laughing-
LANCE:
HAHA! You are such a loser Bob!
BOB:
Hey...SHUT UP! Kyle had to lick a desk!
LANCE:
dude...really? That is gross!
KYLE:
I didn't have a choice....it was either that or do a week of janitorial work. And you know how nasty those toilet are...
BOB:
oh yeah man, I do...I walked into the bathroom the other day because I had to take whizz and everything was going smooth until something went splat on top of my head. So I touched it and...
-Kyle hits Bob in the crotch..-
KYLE:
no! shut up. now!
BOB:
AH! MY NOODIES!
LANCE:
So....are we still on for tonight?
KYLE:
I guess....we never cancel our plans do we?
LANCE:
Great! I'll bring the pitchfork!
KYLE:
uhh....what do you need a pitchfork for?
LANCE:
To throw at old mr. Roberts rottweilers so they'll chase us and he'll come out in his underwear shaking his fist!
- Kyle and bob look at lance confused-
LANCE:
That's not what we're doing?
KYLE:
No.....we're shooting at butane tanks with Roman Candles..
LANCE:
ohh....well...at least something we'll explode and we have a 50/50 chance of death...
- Suddenly, CHRISTA, 15, green eyes, mostly brown hair with some blonde streaks, does a backflip out from behind a bush, She's obviously a cheerleader.she stands up and smiles-
CHRISTA:
Hey guys! Are we on for tonight?
KYLE:
yep..
CHRISTA:
great! I'll bring the leather suit and whip!
KYLE:
...i....won't even ask..
Bob:
maybe she's doing an impersonation of Catwoman!
KYLE:
dude...she's not black though!
BOB:
I was talking about Michelle Pheifer Catwoman not Halle berry...
LANCE:
HAHA! You got owned!
KYLE:
Geez, does everybody listen to the rap?
BOB:
Oh yeah, I found a different route to Hodgen....a LONGER ROUTE...
KYLE:
So!?
BOB:
So.....we need to go down the longer route!
KYLE:
Why?
BOB:
Because it's longer....and..some other things...

KYLE:
Other things? Like...what?
-BOB'S EYES get wide-
BOB:
HONTUBBY...
-Theres an odd silence...the group stops walking.-
KYLE:
What's Hontubby?
BOB:
OH COME ON! you never heard of the Hontubby murders!?
KYLE:
Sorry...I don't watch the nightly news as much as you...
CHRISTA:
OH! Was that when that big ship crashed into the iceberg!?
BOB:
Uhh....no. That's the Titanic.
CHRISTA:
Oh I love that movie!
BOB:
Well...anyways.... it all started back in the days before baggy pants, afros...even elvis presley...
WAVY TRANSITION TO:
	
	EXT. 1920's. LATE AFTERNOON. A DIRT ROAD. Two Teenagers on two horses trot down the road.They are cowboys obviously since they wear cowboy hats, chaps, and Tight Fitting Jeans...

TEEN 1: 
Billy Bob? Where in tarnations are we?

BILLY BOB looks at his map. he runs his finger down it till he finds their location. Their location is right on a crease and it's in VERY small text. Billy Bob squints his eyes.

BILLY BOB:
Ho....Hometubby?
TEEN:
Hometubby? Let me see that map! Never heard of such a thing as a hometubby.
-TEEN grabs the map from Billy Bob and squints his eyes.-
TEEN:
You fool! It says honey tubby!
-TEEN  throws the map back to BILLY BOB-
BILLY BOB:
Well i'm sorry Dave that i'm not as good at reading as you! Let me grovel at yer gosh durned feet o great one!

-BILLY BOB and DAVE enter a small INTERSECTION. On the right hand side there's an old RAMSHACKLED store and on the other side there's a COMMUNITY CENTER, and OLD CHURCH. One of the roads lead to HEAVENER and the other road leads to HODGEN.-
BILLY BOB:
Well they sure do get fancy over in these here parts!
-DAVE'S HORSE is hit in the HEAD by a ROCK-
HORSE:
AH!MY FACE!
DAVE:
OH CRAP!
DAVE'S HORSE falls down on its side crushing DAVE'S LEG
DAVE: 
AHH! MY FRIGGIN LEG!
BILLY BOB jumps off of his horse and kneels down beside dave.
BILLY BOB:
Oh dave, it's prolly just a dad blame sprain..
BILLY BOB sees DAVE'S LEG is is pointing upwards. Billy bob begins making puking sounds.
BILLY BOB:
UGH! SICK!
BILLY BOB pukes
DAVE:
Don't worry! I'll be alright!
DAVE attempts to stands up but when he puts pressure on his broken leg it BENDS BAWARDS Causing DAVE to FALL down Face First on his ARM causing THE BONE in his arm to break through the skin
DAVE:
Ohhh...my....god...MY ARM!!!!
-Dave wiggle his arm around helplessly-
BILLY:
-on the verge of barfing-
ohhh..my....
-BILLY BOB throws up everywhere. Once Billy bob is done he kneels down beside Dave again.-
BILLY BOB:
Alright, this is what we're gonna do.
BILLY BOB grabs Dave leg and Twists it back to normal creating a sick bone grinding on bone sound. Billy Bob is getting sick again. BILLY BOB barfs everywhere again. Billy BOB stands up-
BILLY BOB:
You know what...This sucks! Maybe I should go into this old creepy store and see if anyone's here.
DAVE:
Don't leave me Bob!
BILLY BOB:
don't worry....I'll be right back!
-BILLY BOB leads his horse to the old store-
BILLY BOB:
Heel Joe!
-JOE, which is the name of the horse...sits down.-
BILLY BOB:
Good boy!
-BILLY BOB Enters the store-
	-INT. STORE. The store is obviously old, judging from the amount of dust in the air. BILLY BOB walks up to the unattended counter. There's a bell sitting on the counter with a signs by it saying "Ring the gosh darned Bell" Billy BOB stares at it then pushes it. DING DING. OUT from behind the counter pops an OLD NERVOUS MAN with a SHOTGUN-
BILLY BOB:
WHOA! uh....howdy! I...i mean no harm.
-The Nervous man looks him up and down and LOWERS HIS GUN
MAN:
Whut is yur business in these here parts?
BILLY BOB:
Well, my friend....he broke his leg....and his arm...and I was wondering if there was a doctor around? or maybe some kind of medical material?
MAN:
I Can't help yens. this here store is out of business.I suggest you leave as quickly as possible..
BILLY BOB:
Well...what about my friend
MAN:
Leave him here to die..
Billy Bob:
yeah...OK! i'm going to do that! Is there any alternative?
MAN:
Well....you could go down DEHART LANE...but it's yer own grave.
BILLY BOB:
pshh.my own grave!
Billy Bob is laughing as he walks out the door.
BILLY BOB:
FUNNIEST DAMNED THING I EVER HEARD!HAHAHA!
-BILLY BOB continues laughing as he slams the door and leaves the store....forever..-
	-EXT. STORE. Billy BOB hops on His horse and trots off towards a road that is labelled DEHART LANE. BILLY BOB Accidentally runs over Dave's ankle causing it to bend upwards.-
DAVE:
AHHH! MY ANKLE!
BILLY BOB:
OH SHUT UP! YOU SUCK! I HATE YOU!
	-EXT. DEHART LANE. It is suddenly dark. Billy BOB is singing some old country song and trotting along until. A OLD CREEPY TWO STORY HOUSE looms over him.-
BILLY BOB:
Wow.....what a crappy house!

-BILLY BOB hops off of his horse and begins walking up to the house..-
	-INT. HOUSE. Billy Bob enters in through the front door and peers in. It is DARK ecept for the SILLHOUETTE of a MAN in a rocking chair in front of the MOONLIT window. the rocking Chair rocks back in forth.-

BILLY BOB:
Hello there!

-SILENCE-
BILLY BOB (CNT'D)
i....was wondering if maybe you had some medical equipment!? Or...maybe a gun so I could kill my friend!?
- Billy Bob laughs nervously. SILENCE. Billy bob is starting to get agitated.-
BILLY BOB:
HEY! Look you old geezer I!
- BILLY BOB Grabs the ROCKING CHAIR. AN OLD HAND GRABS BILLY BOB'S HAND. ENTER INTO BILLY BOB'S MOUTH AS HE LETS OUT A GIRLY SCREAM.

FADE IN TO:
	BACK TO Present TIMES. KYLE, LANCE, and Christa stare at BOB like they've just seen a ghost.
LANCE:
So.....what happened to him?
BOB:
Nobody knows..They found human intestines on the fenceposts outside of Dehart Lane but for some reason they never bothered to investigate..
CHRISTA:
EWWW! HUMAN TESTICLES!?
BOB:
I Said intestines not testicles. Geez your a perv...
KYLE:
Phhh, that's just some gay myth some old stupid guys made up to scare people. nobody believes that!
-SUDDENLY from behinds there's a loud RARGH! KYLE JUMPS and looks behind him and looks down to see ROY, 16 years old, dark hair, slightly overweight and is in a wheelchair. Sound Familiar?-
ROY:
WHOO! I got you good!
KYLE:
ROY! YOU SUCK!
-KYLE Backhands Roy knocking him out of his wheelchair-
LANCE:
What the!?
KYLE:
That's what Mr. JoJo taught me!
CHRISTA, BOB, and LANCE help ROY back into his wheelchair.
ROY:
QUIT PATRONIZING ME BECAUSE IM CRIPPLED YOU WALKING TURDNUGGET!
LANCE:
Alright everyone just calm down. We all love eachother....in a heterosexual way. So Roy are you coming tonight?
ROY:
What are we doing?
LANCE:
Getting chased by rottweilers
BOB:
making things blow up.
CHRISTA:
Impersonating catwoman!
KYLE:
NOTHING! We're doing absolutely nothing! We're gonna go to the Hodgen Tote-a-poke, buy some ham and cheese croissants, some chips and a 3 liter of coke, going to my house and watching Battle monkey 4: The Banana returns, newly released on DVD with special deleted scenes, an alternate ending, audio commentary and ultra cool DVD ROM features!!
-Silence-
ROY:
AWESOME! I'm in!
CHRISTA:
OOH! is that the one with Mel Gibson as the bad guy trying to steal all of the bananas!?
KYLE:
yep.
CHRISTA:
Cool....Mel Gibson is soooo hot.
LANCE:
Dude he's like...55 years old!
CHRISTA:
SO!? It's my life...I can like who i want!
KYLE:
Yeah...if Christa thinks a 55 year old man is hot then she thinks a 55 year old man is hot! alright?
LANCE:
Well....alrighty then. 
(mumbling)
Sick freak...
KYLE:
So when should I pick you guys up?
BOB:
around 7:00....we'll be at the IGA throwing ice cubes at old ladies...
CHRISTA:
i'm not....
BOB:
Why?
CHRISTA:
I'm going to be working...i work at the IGA remember!? so where should I meet you guys at....
-Bob looks at Christa like she's stupid-
Bob: 
At the IGA....
CHRISTA:
How will I get there?
KYLE:
You work there, honey..
CHRISTA:
Ohhhh...right!
BOB:
Well anyways...I have to go home and.....pick up some stuff..
BOB looks around suspiciously
BOB:
See you guys later...
KYLE:
cya..
BOB Jumps in his Golf Cart he has parked between a red mustang and a blue Chevy truck and Drives off into the sunset.
ROY:
I guees i'll see you guys tonight too. Time for some more power!
ROY pulls on a chain on his wheelchair causing a ENGINE to start up. ROY hits the foot pedal and drives off.
LANCE:
Well...guess i'll be leaving to..
LANCE pulls out his set of keys and pushes a button.
LANCE:
Shields.
-SUDDENLY The Batmobile unveils itself from underneath it's shields. LANCE hops in and fires it up and drives off as well. Christa and Kyle are all alone now. Christa pushes up against Kyle.-
CHRISTA:
Cya later.....stud...
Christa kisses Kyle. She jumps on her bicycle and pedals away. Kyle lets out a sigh.
KYLE:
God I love that woman...
KYLE jumps on his moped which has two huge speakers attached to the back off it and Drives off as "Highway to Hell" plays loudly. 

CUT TO:
	MONTAGE of shots of Kyle driving down the highway on his Moped. A POLICE SIREN IS HEARD. A Police car is following Kyle. Kyle looks behind him.
KYLE:
Aw no! Officer Mary!
KYLE pulls his moped to the side of the road. The police car does the same. THE POLICE DOOR OPENS and OFFICER MARY Steps out with her POLICE HELMET on. She Walks up beside Kyle's moped and takes her helmet off. She has black butch hair, black eyes and just looks mean. Kyle puts on a fake smile.'
OFFICER MARY:
Well well Kyle....we meet again.
KYLE:
oh...uh...Y hello thar Officer Mary! That's quite a police car you have there. So....how's the police......work....going?

OFFICER MARY:
Don't you suck up to me you slimy little worm from hell! Do you know how fast you were going?
KYLE:
um....55 sir...I mean...mam?
OFFICER MARY:
hmm...very well. Smarter then I thought. But can you tell me why you were disturbing the peace with your loud devil worshipping music?
KYLE:
As long as you can explain why you are wearing a helmet when you're driving in a police car...
-OFFICER MARY is Stumped....-
OFFICER MARY:
you...You better watch your friggin self tonight Vandagriff. If I catch you robbing any graves tonight i'll rip your little head off as if you were a donut!
KYLE:
But a donut doesn't have a head..
OFFICER MARY:
You know...one of these days that smart mouth will get you in alot of trouble.
KYLE:
That's what they all say. And what do you mean by..."Grave robbing?"
OFFICER MARY:
You haven't heard of the grave robbings in Hontubby?
KYLE:
uh....no. I don't watch the 10'o clock news.
OFFICER MARY:
That's why you are such an idiot. Anyways, it seems some punk teenagers think it's funny to steal dead body parts. and you know who I think of when i hear the word punk...
KYLE:
Me.....mam?
OFFICER MARY:
NO! Ashton Kutcher!
KYLE:
Oh.
OFFICER MARY:
I'm gonna let you go this time....but you have to play this CD all the way home...and if i hear anything about some loud devil worshipping music from my sources down the road...then it's gonna be your ass...
KYLE:
Alrighty then. have a nice day Officer Mary. You really have protected and served!
-OFFICER MARY flips Kyle off as she's walking back..-
KYLE:
She's so nice!
-KYLE Starts his moped up and sticks in the CD Officer Mary gave him. Soft soothing sounds of ocean waves come out of the speakers. Kyle cringes, but nonetheless drives off.-

CUT TO:
EXT.KYLE'S HOUSE. SUNSET. A big long blue house with a built in garage and a driveway. The house is not the usual house. There are no neighbors. Just that one house..and a butane yard beside it on the right and a pasture on the left.

INT. KYLE'S HOUSE. DINING ROOM. Kyle sits at the end of a long table eating Lasagna. his family is gathered around at the table too. Renay, 11, dirty blonde hair and LACEY, 6 dirty blonde hair, are fighting just as siblings always do. KYLE'S MOM Ladonna, 30ish sits beside Lacey. Lacey and Renay are obviously fighting over the last piece of lasagna.

RENAY:
LACEY! I'm older! It's mine!
LACEY:
Na uh! it's mine! i'm more hip!
Renay:
I hate you LAcey!
RENAY reaches over the table choking Lacey.

LACEY:
AG! MOM! Renay is trying to choke me!
MOM:
THAT'S IT! SHUT UP BEFORE I RIP YOUR FRIGGIN' HEADS OFF!...now...Kyle...how was your day?
KYLE:
Oh...it was great. Mr. Nelbo did a cartwheel and broke his neck and Mr. Jojo kicked Bob in the face and made me lick the desk.
MOM:
Wow...sounds like you had fun!
KYLE:
(sarcastic)
Yeah! tons of fun!
MOM:
Well i'm glad! You know...when I was a kid I had a mohawk!
-Kyle looks confused-
KYLE:
oookkay...and that appeals to me...how?
MOM:
I'm saying you need a haircut.
KYLE:
Mom...if I get another hair cut i'll end up bald. I just got a haircut last week.
MOM:
DONT BACK TALK ME BOY! I COOKED YOU DINNER AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME!?
KYLE
Mom...you bought the dinner at the Chinese place...even though...Chinese people don't make lasagna. 
MOM:
It's not lasagna...it's Recheekiwa!
KYLE:
Which is Chinese for..?
MOM:
Lasagna...
KYLE:
SEE! It's lasagna! You got owned!
MOM:
I got owned? What?
KYLE:
Oh....it's just some new...hip lingity!
MOM:
oh wow! That is so ...rad!
KYLE:
Mom ...rad went out of style in the 80's
MOM:
Fine....so...are your friends coming over tonight?
KYLE:
Yep..oh yeah! I need a vehicle. Can I take the blue van?
MOM:
Of course you can honey...it's your van anyways.
KYLE:
Alrighty then. I got the cliche van! Woohoo!
MOM:
What do you mean "Cliche van"?
KYLE:
I said Cliche van? I must've meant chevrolet van. Geez...i think i'm going crazy. SO...i'll leave about 7:00 and be here around 8:30...
MOM:
What's going to take so long?
KYLE:
Oh...i'm going to go the loooonnnggg...waaaayy..
- SCARY SOUND-
MOM:
Oh....okay...
-MOM continues eating.-
KYLE:
Hey mom?
MOM:
Yes?
KYLE:
Did you ever here about the Hontubby Murders?
MOM:
Of course! A couple of cowboys died and guts were spilled all over the place....why?
KYLE:
i....is it true?
MOM:
Of course not! It's just a myth!
- NIXON...Kyle's stepdad step into view. He's in only his whitey tighties with his gut hanging out.-
NIXON:
What's a myth?
KYLE:
The Hontubby Murders
- NIXON bursts out laughing-
NIXON:
YOU ACTUALLY BELEIVED THAT! You are a stupid idiot aren't you!? HAHAHA! That myth was created by my grandfather a long time ago! HAHAHAHA
- Nixon gets serious suddenly-
NIXON:
Now go get a job...you stupid lazy good for nothin...
- Nixon walks into the kitchen-
RENAY:
LACEY! I'LL STAB YOU!
LACEY:
Just Bring it!
- Renay throws a steak knife. Lacey catches it with her teeth.-
MOM:
THAT'S ITTTTT! BOTH OF YOU GET IN YOUR FRIGGIN ROOMS NOWWWWWWW!
- Steam blows out of Mom's ears. Lacey and Renay run away-
MOM:
now remember honey...I got the van "Tricked out" for you..
KYLE:
Yeah I know..
MOM:
So if you mess it up...IT'S COMING OUT OF YOUR WALLET!
KYLE:
I know mom...i know. Can I take Brocky?
MOM:
Sure..he's your monkey..
KYLE:
Awesomeness! well uh....i'll be leaving now?
MOM:
Alright....bye..

- KYLE walks out of the KITCHEN-

KYLE'S ROOM. INT. DUSK. KYLE walks to a giant Cage. Kyle grabs some crackers sitting by the cages and slips one in

KYLE:
-whistles-
Here...Brocky.

- a MONKEY peeks his head out from behinds a small yellow house inside the cage with a sign above it pointing down towards the house saying " The Banana boat."

KYLE:
Hey Brocky! Wanna go bye bye?

- BROCKY jumps out form behind the house and begins knawing on the cracker.-

KYLE:
Yeah.....that's a good Brocky...let's get out of this place..

- In the background we can hear mom screaming " RENAY! GET YOUR SISTER'S HEAD OUT OF THE TOILET BOWL!"-

CUT TO:

	EXT. HIGHWAY. SUNSET. not a car is on the highway. In the near distance a loud booming sound is heard coming closer and closer. A SHINY PURPLE VAN ZOOMS BY
CUT TO:

INT. VAN. Kyle is headbanging to a demonic rock version of "Janie's got a gun."

KYLE:
JANIE'S GOT A GUN! JANIE'S GOT A GUN! JANIE JANIE JANIE JANIE HAS A FRIGGIN' GUN! SLIT YOUR THROAT! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

EXT. IGA. SUNSET. the van pulls into the parking lot. The rest of the group except Christa is outside. BOB and LANCE are on top of the ice machine with a bag of ice in between them and Roy is constantly putting quarters in a horse machine that has a little kid on it.

LITTLE KID:
Hey mr....can I give off now please. my tummy hurts. please mr? stop it mr.!i can't see straight
ROY:
hehhehheh. Kids these days...
-BOB chunks a huge chunk of ice at an old lady hitting her in the face causing her dentures to fly out of her mouth. The old lady turns to BOB and LANCE and begins SHAKING HER FIST.-
OLD LADY:
YOU DAMNED PUNK KIDS! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
-SCARY SOUND-
-Bob and Lance look at eachother. They start cracking up. BOB sees the van and tugs at Lance's sleeve to get his attention.-

BOB:
whoa! look!

- The Van is a sparkling purplish color with Spinners and on the side of the van it has a cartoon picture of  Kyle on it with text saying " THE KYLEMOBILE"-
BOB:
HOLY SNAUZBERRIES! SPINNAS! MY DOG!!!

- KYLE gets out of the van and Bob shakes his hand and hugs him.-
BOB:
Awesome van....except for that picture i mean...Jesus Christ, dude you are an egomaniac...

- CHRISTA walks out of the IGA and takes off her apron. Roy is still torturuing the poor kid when he see's everyone gathering up around the van. The horse machine stops and the little boy throws up all over the place.-

ROY:
Whoa...what a ride. Excpet for that picture man. You really are in love with yourself huh?
KYLE:
Actually I was going to have it say the CHRISTAMOBILE...

CHRISTA:
awwww! that is so cute!
- Christa gives Kyle a hug.-
KYLE:
SO are we in a BATTLE MONKEY kind of mood!?
BOB:
actually i'm in the mood for some beer..
KYLE:
Well um.....i'm broke and we're underage so you're out of luck there. so....we're ready right?
LANCE:
I guess.
ROY:
sure.
BROCKY:
OOOO! OOO!
-Everyone laughs at Brocky for some strange reason-
CHRISTA:
aww! it talks!
BOB:
Wow! you can communicate with it!?
CHRISTA:
What!? Of course. it said "OOOO!OOOO!"
-The town bum....GARY THE BUM...FRIZZY BLACK HAIR with a few gray strands and a cigarettes hanging out of his mouth pops out from behind Christa startling everybody..-
LANCE:
AH! SIDESHOW BOB!
CHRISTA:
uh! were you just staring at my butt!?
GARY THE BUM: 
Where you guys goin'?
BOB:
we're going to Hodgen. you want some soap as a souvenier or something?
GARY THE BUM:
You're not going the....loooooooong wayyyy...are you?
-Gary's eye begins to twitch. Gary begins coughing uncontrollably. Gary spits out a huge loo8gey. It lands on some old ladie's face. Kyle and the rest of the group look as if they're about to throw up.
Christa:
You smell bad..
GARY THE BUM:
Good god lady i'm a homeless bum....what'd you expec..
-Gary begins coughing again. Gary sucks in a load of snot. Bob is on the verge of throwing up-
KYLE:
yeah...we're going the long way.
- Gary looks up smiling.-

GARY THE BUM:
OH you are!?don't you know...everyone who goes to hontubby will die. The place has a death curse..
ROY
Psshhh. you smell like a death curse.

GARY THE BUM:
IF YOU GO TO HONTUBBY YOU WILL ALL DIE! DIE I TELL YOU! DIE DIE DIE
-  Gary continously says DIE over and over.Gary's hair begins shaking causing a load of dandruff to go flying all over the face. Gary's cigarette is still hanging out of his mouth. A Dog comes up and bites Gary in the crotch. Gary Runs towards the gas tanks exploding into a human torch. Gary continues running around yelling " IF YOU GOT TO HONTUBBY YOU WILL DIE! I AM A MESSENGER OF GOD!"  GARY  runs behind the store. KYLE and the rest of the group stare in shock for a slight moment.-

LANCE:
whoa.....that.....was....AWESOME!
- LANCE and ROY high five eachother-
BOB:
....maybe we should slash his bicycle tires before we go.
KYLE:
Let's get out of here before Officer Mary shows up. Everyone in the van.
- Kyle jumps into the driver's seat and Christa jumps into the passenger seat. The rest jump in the back of the van. Kyle starts the van up. An old dirty man sitting on a bench laughs evilly as the van goes by. Why he's laughing no one knows.-

CUT TO:
	-The VAN as it speeds down a dark road. -
CUT TO:
-VAN. INT. NIGHT. KYLE is driving, Christa is in the passenger's seat Bob, Roy, and Lance are in the back.-

CHRISTA:
Wow...kyle...your van is like soooo cool!

KYLE:

Well you know i'm just a cool guy, you know and cool people need cool things. You know what I mean?
- Bob pelts a donut at Kyle hitting him in the back of the head. Kyle turns around angry-

KYLE:
HEY WATCH IT YOU PIECE OF.....
LANCE:
Watch out!

- Kyle swerves barely missing an oncoming truck.-

ROY:
Calm down Kyle...it was just a donut..

KYLE:
Well....sorry Bob. It's just that i don't like people throwing donuts at me.....it reminds me of my birthday party 8 years ago. The kids were happily pelting donuts at everybody....until poor little Joey got one right in the mouth....choked to death on the spot....never saw him again.....alive at least.

LANCE:
That's because he died on the spot...

KYLE:
I know!
CHRISTA:
Let's turn on the radio...

ROY:
Good call! Turn on the radio!

- Kyle switches on the radio looking for a station-

KYLE:
Man....radio waves aren't too strong in these parts....
Christa:
did you know radio waves shrink brain cells!?
BOB:
That's why I have a CD player.
ROY:
Did you know that steroids shrink testicles?
LANCE:
Yup.....you know poor ole Flash Thompson's winky is probably the size of a piece of grass in Rhode Island
BOB:
Flash Thompson as in " I'm a roid head" Flash Thompson?
ROY:
That's the only one in town...
BOB:
Man I was walkin down the hall the other day and he said I look like a dirty Q-tip. Then the next day he poured glue on me and threw thrty boxes of Q tips on me.... I hate that dude. Thinking he's all cool and buffed up....

- Kyle finds a radio station. It's the news station-
RADIO:
Bogo the clown is still at large for the death of Ben Stiller....in other news grave robberies in Hontubby has created quite an uproar for.....nobody....except those dead people. It has been reported that bodies have been missing from their gravesites. Police suspect either someone is robbing or in police chief Johnson's words "They f'ng walked right out of a 6 foot deep hole covered with dirt and flew away." But anyways no one cares about it because it's in a small town that no one cares about. In other news, it is reported that the ghost of Abraham Lincoln was caught taking a ghostly dump in the puiblic bathroom in the local Taco Hut..
BOB:
Whoa! We should've done that!
ROY:
What? Take a crap in the taco hut. I do that everytime i go there!
BOB:
No! Rob graves!
KYLE:
Uh...no. That would give Officer Mary more of a reason to arrest me...
BOB:
The bisexual cop chick!?
LANCE:
jugh...i hate her. she gave me a ticket for running over an old man. I mean come on...HE'S OLD AND WALKING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET! He had it comin' to him!
CHRISTA:
Kyle....we should check that cemetary out!

ROY:
No way man! i'm not going in no cemetary at night!

LANCE:
Me neither. HAve you seen the movie office space?

ROY:
no....and what does it have to do with cemetaries anyways

LANCE:
I dunno.want some chips anyone?
- Roy slowly takes the bag of chips from Lance.-
LANCE:
I said want not have.....you pig.
ROY:
HEY! In Mongolia you would get beheaded for saying something like that!
LANCE:
Well here in America we don't....so pig pig pig pig pig pig!
- Roy kicks Lance in the crotch.-
KYLE:
You know....strange things have been happening around here lately...
BOB:
I know! The old hardware store is a pawn shop now!
LANCE:
Bob...you're an idiot. Anyways....i believe Kyle's right. Someone's been breaking into my dad's chicken houses and slaughtering my dad's chickens and leaving them on the ground with their intestines hanging out. I think it's the neighbors because they're always jealous because we live on a hill and they don't.
BOB:
Maybe it's THE CHICKEN KILLER! WHOOOO!
CHRISTA:
Bob you're soo immature. 
BOB:
Oh Christa....i'm more mature then you'll ever be..
CHRISTA:
Well I don't see you with a job! All you ever do is blow something up or hurt old ladies or....kill innocent deer...
BOB:
Hey...that's not true! i listen to music.....while i'm blowing stuff up...
-EXT. SHOT OF THE WOODS. The road is dark. Suddenly a PORCUPINE walks in the middle of the road. CUT BACK TO THE VAN.-
LANCE:
So....who would win....the ninja turtles.....or Batman
BOB:
The ninja turtles would
ROY:
No way dude...BAtman would find a way to turn them back into baby turtles because he's smart and he's a detective.
KYLE:
Hey the turtles are smart too. They'll confuse Batman with their surfer talk then beat him down with his ninja moves.
LANCE:
But they don't have the batmobile do they?
ROY:
Who needs a Batmobile when you got an intelligent rat!?
LANCE:
oooo... a giant rat!
BOB:
That's basically what Batman is....only with wings....
KYLE:
OH HO! You got owned dogg!

ROY:
Well...I think the nin ja turtles would win because it'd be hard for Batman to go up against four karate fighting ninja turtles....not unless BAtman and Superman teamed up....then those turtles would be in deep **** man!
CHRISTA:
Who would win Ben Affleck or Brad Pitt!?
- Bob, Roy and Lance stare at Christa.-

KYLE:
uhh.....i think that Brad Pitt would because he fought a giant bear in Legends of the Fall and he killed Hector in Troy.
CHRISTA:
Yeah...well Ben Affleck bea tup a big black dude while he was blind, blew up an asteroid, and saved the day in Pearl Harbor...
KYLE:
Yeah but he also starred in Gigli...
BOB:
OH! CHRISTA GOT OWNED!!!
LANCE:
You knwo what? This is gay. Everyone knows Bruce Willis is bettere than both of them combined....
KYLE:
Bruce willis.....dont even get me started on him...

CHRISTA:
LOOK OUT!
KYLE:
WHA!?
- A PORCUPINE is in the middle of the road. The porcupine lifts it's head up.-

PORCUPINE:
HMMMM!?
-KYLE swerves trying to miss the porcupine but hits it with his right tire. He swerves off into the ditch.-
		- INSIDE THE VAN. Kyle has a death grip on the steering wheel and a look of shock. Christa is shielding her face. Roy has half a chip hanging out of his mouth which falls out. Lance his holding his nuts and Bob is staring off in disbelief. there's nothing but silence for a few moments.-
BOB:
whoa...hohohohoho! THAT WAS TIGHT MAN!!!!!!!
KYLE:
Did i miss it?
-Lance looks out the window. He sees the porcupine lying in the middle of the road.-
LANCE:
It either fell asleep or it's dead....
CHRISTA:
Was that a beaver!?
BOB:
HAHAHA! She said beaver....
KYLE:
No...it looked like......a porcupine?
LANCE:
There's porcupine's over here? I thought they only grew in Wisconsin?
BOB:
Wisconsin? I thought it was Montana?
LANCE:
Well it's one of those states know one cares about....
ROY:
Maybe they migrated...
BOB:
Dude porcupines don't migrate!
ROY:
Yeah they do. I watched it on the discovery channel, man! 
BOB:
You watch the discovery channel? how gay!
KYLE:
Maybe...we shoould check out the damage...
BOB:
Good call.
-Kyle and Christa get out of the van and begin walking toward the porcupine. Kyle grabs a stick and touches it with it. It twitches.-
CHRISTA:
Awwww...it's still alive!
KYLE:
-sigh-
Well...i'd hate for it to stay alive in these conditions. Christa....get me my hammer.
CHRISTA:
right..
-CHRISTA goes to the van and gets the hammer. she comes back and hands it to kyle.-

CHRISTA:
What are you gonna do?
KYLE:
I'm gonna finish what i started.
- Kyle Raises the hammer in the air.-
KYLE:
Sorry little fella...
- Kyle sends th ehammer crashing down. THE PORCUPINE'S HEAD DUCKS THE BLOW. Kyle is confused. THE PORCUPINE JUMPS ON KYLE'S FACE-
PORCUPINE:
HEY BABAY!
KYLE:
AH!!!! GET IT OFFFF!
CHRISTA:
AWWW! IT'S ALIVE.
- Bob, Roy and Lance watch inside the van-
BOB:
Awesome!
LANCE:
What the!?
ROY:
-while eating chips-
heh....he's getting raped by a porcupine.
- Kyle tries swinging it around to get it off but it's latched on good.-
KYLE:
A LITTLE HELP HERE PLEASE!
- Bob and Lance get out of the van. Lance tries to pry it off but forgets it has quills.-
LANCE:
AH! IT STINGS
BOB:
Good job genuis. Alright kyle holds still.
-bob moves Kyle. Bob backs up and tries to karate kick the Porcupine off but ends up falling down. Roy sits in the van laughing chomping on the chips.-

KYLE:
GAH! IT'S SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE!!!!!
- Kyle begisn banging his head on the front of the van in an attempt to get it off. Christa picks up the hammer.-

CHRISTA:
Sorry Kyle...

- Christa swings the hammer slamming it through the porcupine.-

Porcupine:
ugh.....sonofa......ugh 
-Porcupine DIES. Kyle falls to the ground. Bob, Lance, and Christa stare at him.-
ROY:
I he alright?
LANCE:
I think it's dead...i mean...it does have a hole through it's stomach.
BOB:
He's talking about Kyle, Spaz-face...
- Christa pulls the dead porcupine off of Kyle's face. Kyle has porcupine guts allover his face. Kyle shakes his ehad groggily slowly sitting.-
KYLE:
WHO DER!? WH...WHO DER!?
LANCE:
-in deep voice-
It's me.....God
KYLE:
God!? Aw, man I didn't mean to shoot that little kid in the face with the paintball gun! please forgive me! I DONT WANT TO GO TO HELLLLL!
-Kyle starts crying.-
CHRISTA:
Lance! shut up! he's hurt!
KYLE:
Lance!? YOU friggin idiot!
- Kyle kicks Lance in the crotch-
LANCE:
ARGH! Why does everyone hit eachother in the crotch!?
-Lance falls to this knees in pain. Christa helps Kyle up. Bob walks off to check out the damage the porcupine did to the van.-
ROY:
Heh....you got raped by a porcupine!And i thought it was bad when that cow took a dump on your face when we went cow tipping that one night!
KYLE:
Shut up Roy! i'll kill you
LANCE:
hey! nobody's killing anyone!
CHRISTA:
Are you alright!?
KYLE:
Well...besides the fact a zombie porcupine humped my face....i'm perfectly fine a happy...thank you!
CHRISTA:
Your welcome!
BOB (O.S.)
uhh....kyle...
KYLE:
What,bob!? What!?
BOB:
I don't think we'll be going anywhere for awhile....
-KYLE walks to the other side of the van. Bob is looking at the tire. THEN TIRE IS FLAT with PORCUPINE QUILLS sticking out of it.-
KYLE:
Well...that's great! that's friggin great! What are we going to do now?
BOB:
Well.....i'm going to take a dig....
KYLE:
Bob i don't carry crapper paper with me....
BOB:
Aw crap! Why don't you!? Are you not prepared for an emergency? What if Jesus came back and you didn't have toilet paper in your van? What would he think of that huh!? What if Jesus walked up here right now and said he needed some toilet paper and you didnt have none.....what would he say...
LANCE:
HOLY CRAP! GET IT!? HAHAHAHAHA!
-christa punches Lance in the crotch. Lance falls to his knees again.-
CHRISTA:
Lance, do something creative like getting Roy out of the van...
ROY:
Yeah Lance. Come get your uncle Roy out of the van!
-Lance places two pieces of board in the van door down so Roy can get out. roy slides out.-
KYLE:
Where are we anyways. Lance get the map..
LANCE:
Why me!?
KYLE:
Lance, your right by the glove box...

LANCE:
oh.
-Lance reaches in the glove box and pulls out a map and throws it to Bob. Bob opens the map up. where they are at is a TINY DOT right on the CREASE of the map with very little writing on it... Bob squints. Bob looks up wide-eyed.-
BOB:
HONTUBBY!
-SHARP SCARY SOUND. There is a strange silence-
KYLE:
oh......my.....god....
ROY:
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!
- Christa screams at the top of her lungs. Roy begins screaming at the top of his lungs flailing his arms around crazy.-
KYLE:
HEY hey! Nobody's dying okay!
LANCE:
There's people in Africa dying everyday though!
KYLE:
Lance....one more smartelic comment and i'm gonna rip your friggin head off...
LANCE:
but you said you're not supposed to kill anyone!
- Christa punches Lance in the balls. Lance falls down again.-
LANCE:
GYAH! Stop! they're gonna be black and blue by the time i get home!
- BROCKY the monkey runs out of the avn and jumps on Kyle's shoulder.-
KYLE:
Hey Brocky! did i forget about you!?
LANCE:
Why did you bring that stupid monkey anyways!?
KYLE:
Hey! he's not stupid. He can do some cool tricks...
LANCE:
Oh what? can he do a backflip...
KYLE:
he can do much more then that....Brocky..
- Brocky looks up to his master-
GO NINJA GO NINJA GO!?
-Brocky smirks and jumps off of Kyle's should, karate fighting with lance. Lance starts freaking out. Brocky jumps on Lances face and starts scratching at him.-
LANCE:
AH! STOP HIM! STOP HIM!

KYLE: 
ninja stop!
- Brocky stops karate fighting and jumps off of Lance. he looks back at Lance and flips him off.
LANCE:
AW! The thing just flipped me off!
CHRISTA:
AWWWW! that's so cute.
KYLE:
Yeah i know...i taught him how to do most of the stuff he does. Me and the 3 ninjas movies.
BOB:
How did he learn how to flip people off?
KYLE:
South park
BOB:
You let a 3 year old monkey watch something like that!? how evil!
ROY:
Alright alright! enough fun stuff. It's time to get home.
KYLE:
Roy's right. I got two flashlights in the van. We should split up into seperate groups.
BOB:
Alright so you carry two flashlights in your van but you don't carry toilet paper!? and they call this government! I call this communism!
CHRISTA:
How many groups should we split up into?
KYLE:
2.
LANCE:
Alright I get Roy...Kyle gets Christa and Bob...
BROCKY:
OOO! OOO!
LANCE:
-glaring at the monkey-
and brocky...
-Brocky nods happily-
KYLE:
Are you sure you can handle Roy?
LANCE:
of course! What's he gonna do to me huh? run my toe over?
-Roy runs lances toe over.-
ROY:
QUIT PATRONIZING ME, FOOL!
LANCE:
HEY! Don't call me a fool! I'm not the one who got Muscular dystrophy!
ROY:
I got in an automobile accident, you friggin buttbagger!
KYLE:
Alrighty then...they're a group...if they don't come back...it's prolly cause they killed eachother. Bob, go get the flashlights..
BOB:
Where are they at?
KYLE
The same place all the other useful stuff is...the glovebox..
- Bob goes to the glove box. He pulls out a rubber chicken, a 12 pack of Dr. pepper, a picture of Bob's mom. Bob looks at it confused. bob finally finds the flashlights....-
BOB:
Kyle...why is there a picture of my mom in the glove box?
KYLE:
I dunno...it used to be my stepdad's van...gimme the flashlights..
-Bob tosses the flashlights. one of the flashlights hit Lance in the face.-
LANCE:
AHH! MY FACE!
BOB:
heheheh....
KYLE:
Alright...we're gonna walk together until we find an intersection then we split up...any questions?
CHRISTA:
wait...i'm confused..
KYLE:
What?
CHRISTA:
I thought an intersection was when they cut open a womans stomach to pull out a baby?
KYLE:
That's a seasection dear....
CHRISTA:
oh.....then what's an intersection
KYLE:
When a road meets another road.
CHRISTA:
OHHH! I UNDERSTAND NOW!
-Kyle looks down the dark road.-
KYLE:
well....I guess we should start going....

-They begin walking down the road quietly. They all look around nervously-
CHRISTA:
it's dark......and i'm cold
KYLE:
Here...you can my milk duds....
CHRISTA:
How are milk duds supposed to help me?
KYLE:
I dunno....
BOB:
Good god it's foggy! Almost like we're in a scary movie or something?
-Sharp scary sound is heard-
LANCE:
It's foggy because it's November and it's 8:00
BOB:
I doesn't get foggy until 11:00 you dorkwad...
ROY:
OH HO! LANCE GOT OWNED! Hoiw does it feel Lance? how does it feel to get owned by a white rapper wannabe!?
LANCE:
Like this...
-Lance hits Roy in the crotch. Roy stop his wheelchair and holds his nuts in pain..
KYLE:
Roy...c'mon!
-Roy slowly starts moving his wheelchair again.-
BOB:
Look at that! Lance has to pick on a crippled guy because he's such a loser! HAHA!
LANCE:
Shut up Bob....i'll kill you
BOB:
Not if i kill you first
KYLE:
Hey, i'm gonna kill both of your if you don't point the flashlight in front of us
- They point the flashlights in front of them. Headlights are scene coming towards them.-
LANCE:
DUDE LOOK! HEADLIGHTS! Wave your arms up and down!
BOB:
I know how to get attention Lance.
-Bob looks around a pulls his pants down mooning the truck.-
-The truck moves closer. We see nothing but a dark figure in a cowboy hat with dark green eyes. The figure stares each of the group. He sees Bob shaking his butt and his eyes look at it in disgust. The truck drives off.-
CHRISTA:
What a snob!
LANCE:
I wouldn't be talking Christa
KYLE:
Hey! my girlfriend is not a snob! just because she wears sexy clothes doesnt mean she's a snob! She's a very sweet lady with a sexy body!
CHRISTA:
Yeah!
- Bob is walking with his pants down.-
KYLE:
GEEZ BOB! Pull your pants up!
BOB:
but i like the way the wind feels on my crack!
LANCE:
That's gross dude!
- Bob pulls his pants up.-
LANCE:
You know I bet he wouldn't pick us up because of Bob
BOB:
O blame it on me and my black ***! I see how it is!
KYLE:
Bob....you're white..
BOB:
Oh yeah.
LANCE:
Alright....let's continue with some trivia. Who found america!
CHRISTA:
ooo! I know!
LANCE:
Who!?
CHRISTA:
George Bush!
LANCE:
No....he's just president...
BOB:
Christopher Reeves! Superman!
LANCE:
Good god you guys are stupid!
ROY:
The Wookies!
LANCE:
Jesus! 
ROY:
Jesus founded america!?
LANCE:
no! i said jesus because you guys are stupid!
KYLE:
Christopher friggin Columbus founded america! 
LANCE:
No...It's Marco Polo! Why do you think we play Marco polo!? Because Marco Polo....had to find america! get it!?
BOB:
Holy Snauz.....he's right!
- They keep walking. A rustle is heard in the woods.-
ROY:
HOLY JEEZ! WERE ALL GONNA DIE!
Christa: 
what was that?
BOB:
Probably a beaver
LANCE:
Maybe it was....THE HONTUBBY MURDERER! OOOOO!
KYLE:
No...it's not...don't worry. My stepdad's grandpa made that story up a long time ago..
LANCE:
How do you know your stepdad's grandpa isn't....THE HONTUBBY MURDERER!?
KYLE:
Because he's dead gaywad...
LANCE:
oh...maybe he's a ZOMBIE MURDERER
BOB:
Maybe he's....DEAD!!
ROY:
Maybve he's....KYLE!?
KYLE:
Up yours, Roy
ROY:
Up yours with a twirling weedwhacker
KYLE:
i'll show you twirling weedwhacker if you DONT POINT THE FRIGGIN FLASHLIGHT IN FRONT OS US!
- Roy points it in front of them. An intersection is seen-
CHRISTA:
Look guys! A SEASECTION!
Roy, Bob, Lance:
INTERSECTION!
KYLE:
Cool...now we can split up in a minute
BOB:
Man this reminds me of that on twilight zone where that guy goes back in time in a foggy place and is attacked by killer tomatoes
KYLE:
That was Mystery Science Theatre you moron
CHRISTA:
This reminds of that one movie with John Travolta!
KYLE:
Basic?
CHRISTA:
no....Battleship Earth!
- Kyle is confused-
KYLE:
That makes no sense.....but I love you anyways...
BOB:
Heh...you guys are gay together
KYLE:
Shut up bob! You suck!
BOB:
No you suck!
ROY:
You know what!? This sucks! My hands are tired of pushing this damned Wheelchair allover a damned haunted forest!
LANCE:
You got an engine dumb***
ROY:
.....oh yeah!
- Roy starts up his engine-
CUT TO:
	-INT. HONTUBBY. A Shadow is breathing heavily staring at the group as they reach the intersection..-
CUT BACK TO:
	-EXT. DOWNTOWN HONTUBBY. NIGHT. The group stop in the middle of the road-
KYLE:
Alright guys....time to split up...Roy....Lance....you go down.....
-Kyle Squints his eyes-
KYLE(CNT'D)
Defart Lane!?
BOB:
It's Dehart....not Defart
KYLE:
Shut up Bob...i can read
- LAnce and Roy look over to Defart Lane. A big Foggy road surrouned by trees.-
LANCE:
AW HELL NO!
ROY:
Aw yeah man! A dark road full of creepy trees!
KYLE:
Hey guys...you want to get out of here right?
ROY:
Yeah...
KYLE:
Then go down that road. hopefully someone in this god forsaken town has some fix-a-flat. Anyways, me, christa bob..
BROCKY:
OOOO! OOOO!
KYLE:
and Brocky....will all go to this old store and look around...got it?
BOB:
Sounds good to me!
LANCE:
Whatever...
KYLE:
Alright let's split up. Remember guys....be quiet. this isn't our town we're invading so stay very quiet.
- A wolf howls in the distance-
ROY:
HOLY JESUS! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!
KYLE:
ROY! SHUT UP!!!!Nobody's going to die! It is a myth! Remember!? Repeat after me....it's just 
ROY:
It's just...
KYLE:
A gay myth...
ROY:
A gay myth
KYLE:
There....now you two head down that road If you're not back in 40 minutes we're going to come looking for you....
- They all split up. Roy and Lance head towards the road. Kyle, Christa and Bob walk up on the porch of the old store. Bob's foot falls through the porch.-
BOB:
AW ****!
KYLE:
It's just an old board Bob. You don't have to cuss about it....geez.
- Kyle steps on a loose board sending the other end into his face-
KYLE:
AW! SON OF A *****!
- Christa catches Kyle.-
KYLE:
heh....you better watch it....these boards are kind of tricky.
- Kyle knocks on the front door of the store-
KYLE:
Hello!?
BOB:
...dude....the lights are out...I don't think anyone's home
CHRISTA:
That's because they are sleeping
BOB:
Who sleeps in a store!? huh?huh? you know what christa. You just got owned, sucka...
- Kyle knocks again-
KYLE:
Hello!?
BOB:
Nobody's home dude! Let me show you something i've learned living on the hard streets of Heavener. It's called Breaking and entering.
-Bob backs up a little bit.-
BOB:
FREEZE, SUCKA!
- Bob kicks the door down. Dust scatters everywhere as the door lands on the old wooden floor. old cans of assorted items lay on the shelves. The store has obviously been out of business for awhile judging form the several cobwebs in the corners of the store. on the counter is an old cash register.-
BOB:
Whoa.....what a crappy store!
KYLE:
Man....I don't think they use this store
- Kyle walks behind the counter-
KYLE:
I mean...look at this cash register....it has to be from the 1900's....
BOB:
Yeah....i wonder if there's anything in it...
-Bob hits the cash register causing the money drawer to fly out. A snake slithers out.-
BOB:
HOLY CRAP!!!
- Bob hops over the counter landing in a pile of bones. Bob looks over to see bones all over him-
BOB:
AHHHHH! HUMAN FRIGGIN BONES! 
- Bob wipes himself off-
KYLE:
Those are dog bones you idiot. Does this look like a humans head?
- Kyle shows him the skull of the dog.-
BOB:
look's like your mom's head...

KYLE:
HAHAHAHAHAHAH...no.
- Bob gets back up.-
KYLE:
c'mon...let's explore.
CUT TO:
	-DEHART LANE. NIGHT. The narrow dirt road is surrounded by dark creepy looking trees. Lance walks down the road while Roy rolls.-
LANCE:
-singing-
Movin' to the countrryyyyy i'm gonna eat me alot of peaches! Movin' to the coutnry....gonna eat me a lot of peaches. PEACHES COME....FROM A CAN! THEY WERE PUT THERE BY A MAN...IN A FACTORRRRY DOWNTOOOOOOOOWN...
- roy runs over Lance's toe. Lance holds his foot in pain-
LANCE:
AH!! Watch it fool!
ROY:
SHHHH! BE QUIET!!!!!
LANCE:
Hey, you're the one yelling now smart guy!
ROY:
I wasn't yelling! i was talking at a above normal tone....
LANCE:
......what? Are you trying to sound intelligent? huh!? Because it's not working!!! Let's just walkd down this dark creepy road until we find a friendly house, ask them for some fix a flat, get the fix a flat and get the heck out of here!
-They continue walking down the road in silence-
ROY:
So.....who would win....Arnold Swarzenegger.....or Kool-aid man
LANCE:
Holy crap...is that even a contest? All arnold has to do is punch through the glas and he's a winner!
ROY:
Yeah but what if Kool aid man is actually....ACID FILLED kool aid man?
LANCE:
Then they will both die...
ROY:
Indeed......but....what if the arnold was in his terminator form?
LANCE:
The acid would eat through his metallic skeleton you idiot...
ROY:
....oh yeah.....well, what if he's a T-1000
LANCE:
Arnold wasn't ever the T-1000! He was always and will always be the T-100
ROY:
T-800 you idiot
LANCE:
Whatever! That's what he'll always be...
ROY:
Well...let's say that he was a T-1000....then who would win....
LANCE:
They would still both die because guess what? T-1000 is made of LIQUID METAL. ACID EATS THROUGH METAL!
ROY:
Whoa....so there really wouldn't be a winner between the two huh?
LANCE:
Arnold would win if Kool isn't acidic kool aid man
ROY:
No...not really because if he breaks Kool aid man's glass he'll get chopped to bit by the little glass fragments....
LANCE:
Well then...Arnold has no chance of winning....unless he's the terminator and Kool Aid man is regular Kool Aid man!
ROY:
Holy Crap! You're a friggin genuis man!!
- They high five eachother. they stop dead in their tracks when they look back up-
LANCE:
Holy Imbred rednecks....
- Up ahead of them is an OLD TWO STORY HOUSE.The right window has a light on-

ROY:
LOOK! I SEE A LIGHT!
LANCE:
Oh.....so THAT's what that bright yellow thing is in the right window of the house huh!?
ROY:
Shut up lance!
- As they get closer to the house they see beer bottles hanging of of an old oak tress dead branches, An old Model-T truck sitting on cement blocks, an old freezer sitting up right, an old swingchair with paint chipping off of it.-

ROY:
you know lance......m....maybe this isn't that great of an idea.
LANCE:
And why do you say that?
ROY:
Well, there's beer bottles hanging off of trees and the grass hasn't been mowed in a long time, the only thing that has been mowed in the weeds around the house, Jesus, Lance, some imbred redneck mountain men are probably going to jump right out of that door with a chainsaw in one hand and a Molotov cocktail in the other and the other stupider redneck walks out with his pants down with a knife and fork!

-Lance stares at Roy in disbelief-

LANCE:
Holy crap Roy......stop watching movies.....ya' crazy bastard...

- As they enter the front yard they can see an old wooden chair on the porch, a windchime made out of shotgun shells and weird looking baby dolls hanging from ropes around the porch.-
LANCE:
Yeah...these people are some friggin weirdos. proabably gothic or something. You know how those goths are with creepy baby dolls and stuff....
- Lance sits down in the chair swing
LANCE:
Here, Roy....let's take a break
-Lance looks at Roy. Roy looks mad. Lance starts laughing.-
:LANCE:
Oh yeah....you cant take a break!!
-Lance laughs harder-
BECAUSE YOU ALREADY ARE! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!Sucks to be You! HAHAHAH!

- Roy grabs a beer bottle sitting on a tree stump and tosses it at Lance. It misses lance and hit one of the chains holding the chair swing up. The chain beaks causing lance falling to the ground. roy start laughing.-
ROY:
HAHAHAHAHAHA. YOU GOT OWNED BIG TIME!!!!!!
LANCE:
shut up roy!

ROY:
You really "Took a break" huh? HAHAHAA

LANCE:
I said shut up Roy!!!

CUT TO:
 -HONTUBBY STORE. MANAGER'S OFFICE. Kyle, Christa and Bob open the door up. Kyle and Christa look around the office-

BOB:
Aw, come one! There's not no fix a flat in here guys!
KYLE:
How do you know bob!? Have you been here before!?
BOB:
Dude, I don't even think there was Fix a Flat back in the days this store was around. 
KYLE:
Ho do you know bob!? Have you been here before!?
BOB:
They probably had chariots or something like that....too cheap to afford a car.
KYLE:
How do you know Bob!? Have you been here...
BOB:
Shut up, Kyle! Jesus, you've repeated yourself three times.
KYLE:
Whoa...I did.
CHRISTA:
OOOO! I FOUND SOMETHING!
KYLE:
What!?
CHRISTA:
A Pencil!
- Christa holds up an old pencil.-
BOB:
Holy crap Christa, you are a friggin genuis! We can use the pencil to stab eachother in the face!
CHRISTA:
What!? That's violent
KYLE:
Yeah Bob. Quit being so violent man....
Bob:
You know what!? SCREW this! I'm going solo! I'm gonna go check out this shed and see if there's any fix a f;at in there!

KYLE
Alrighty then...have fun
BOB:
I WILL! I am going to have a friggin' blast. It's going to be like Mardi Gras, Woodstock, and a porn star convention all in one! Screw you losers. You just hate me because i'm the lead singer of my band.All the girls are on me like they want to hold hands. Because once i blow i'm gong to be the man...becauise i'm thje leader singer of my band....my band....my band...

-Bob throws a westside signal-

BOB:
Word out...

- Bob walks outside.-

CHRISTA:
OOOO! I found something!
KYLE:
A pen!?
CHRISTA:
No....it's a bunch of pieces of paper glued together!
KYLE:
wha?
- Christa pulls out a book from under a desk.-
KYLE:
It's a book!
CHRISTA:
Is it the Cat in the Hat!?
KYLE:
uhhh...no. It looks like some kind of diary.
CUT TO:
	- Back of the HONTUBBY STORE. It is a cold night now. Bob walks out fresstyle rapping-

BOB:
Yo i'm like Rick JAmes on crack.....you better watch your back. you never know when i might attack. I'm a crazy white boy yo. I have a lot of dough. My girlfriend's name is flo'....don't you know. I'm like a bee in a tree with a late fee on movies. I'm not canadian but i'm a mounty. I ...uh....live in Leflore County. Look out! Here comes the spider-man! Peace out L.A ! 
-Bob shivers. Bob sticks his hands in his coat pocket. He feels something in his coat pocket. Bob pulls out a BAG OF WEED. Bob's face lights up with joy-
BOB:
Hot diggity damn! It's Mary Jane!
- bob sits down leaning on the hontubby store. Bob looks around for something-
BOB:
now what can i roll this with?
- Bob looks around some more and finds something. A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER.Bob isn't too sure.-
BOB:
Nahhh..
-Bob looks around some more...then looks back at the piece of toilet paper.
CUT TO:
	- Bob smoking a rolled up piece of toilet paper. BOB IS STONED. Bob exhales a big puff of smoke.-
BOB:
Whoa...that toilet paper...like....adds extra flavor or somethin'....i mean....whoaaaaa..
- Bob looks around and see's a tree waving att him-
TREE:
hiiiiiiii Bob. I'm mr. tree!
BOB:
Whoa! A talking tree....just like on that one movie with Steven Seagal.....or something. Hi mr; tree! You're looking awfully lovely tonight!!!
- Bob stands up and runs towards the tree.and runs into it falling to the ground. Bob starts cracking up-
BOB:
AHAHAHAHA! I fell! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
- Bob stands up-
BOB:
Maybe i ought to go find some fix a fat now.
- Bob snickers-
FIX A FAT. HAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHA....whoaaaa...
- Bob walks into a shed.-
	-INT. SHED. NIGHT. It's dark except for one ray of moonlight coming from a crack in the ceiling There's a freezer that's still running and assorted knives and sharp inanimate objects hanging on the walls. There's also a dart board!-
BOB:
-singing-
YO,oh yeah ***** Your gonna get **** in ****** until you ***** in a thong so tight it's see through, like your big *****, Whitey got owned! uh huh uh huh. Hit it lil' John
YEAAAAAAHHHH! YEAAAAH! OKKKAAAYYY!
- Bob looks around the shed and finds a can of FIX A FLAT on one of the shelves.-
BOB:
WHOOOOOO! And Bob scores again! GO BOB! YOU'RE STONED! GO BOB! YOU'RE STONED! whooooo!
- Bob falls back in a rocking chair and stares at the fix a flat. Bob look over to the freezer.-
BOB:
Man i wonder if there's a popsicle in there...I got the muchies..
- Bob stands up and walks towards the freezer while singing whitey got owned.. he opens the freezer up. A FROZEN BODY POPS OUT WITH IT'S HAND EXTENDED OUT TOWARD BOB. IT'S a FROZEN GIRL. HER FACE FROZEN IN SHOCK.-
BOB:
Whitey got OOOOOOOOOOOLY........
- Bob stares at the dead body freaked out. He suddenly breaks out laughing. Bob Shakes the dead person's hand.-
BOB:
HAHAHAHA! Hey mr. dead person! You sure gave me a scare there for a second!
- The dead person's hand breaks off. Bob points at the hand laughing-
BOB:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Talk about giving me a break! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA!
- BOB turns around still laughing and runs right smack into.....THE WEEDWHACKER KILLER!!-
WEEDWHACKER KILLER:
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
BOB:
HOYL SHI....A WEEDWHACKER! HAHA! WHACKER!
- THE WEEDWHACKER KILLER THRUSTS THE WEEDWHACKER IN BOB'S THROAT Causing blood to spurt out everywhere. Bob has a stoned look on his face even in his death. Bob holds his neck making gurgling sounds.-
BOB:
-gurgling-
I.....gottt......ownnneed....
-BOB falls to the ground....DEAD.Hairy picks Bob up and throws him over his shoulder and walks off-

CUT TO:
	- Lance and Roy. They stand outside of the old abandoned house staring at it. Roy looks at the stairs going up to the porch in front of him.-

ROY:
Now how am i supposed to get up these stairs!?

LANCE:
I dunno....fly?

- Roy stares at Lance mad. Roy spits at Lance.-
LANCE:
Hey fool! you just stay out here while i go inside and you can uhh.....watch for chainsaw weilding maniacs or soemthing..

- Lance starts laughing and climbs up the stairs. Roy looks at Lance mad.-

ROY:
up yours with a twirling weedwhacker
LANCE:
Well at least I don't worship satan!
ROY:
Well at least I don't run around my chicken house butt naked covered in chicken feed screaming I'M SANTA CLAUSE!

- Lance looks over to Roy shocked-

LANCE:
How do you know about that!?

ROY:
I live right by you ya' idiot. It's not like i'm going to be alarmed when i hear someone yelling I'M SANTA CLAUSE next door!

- Lance stares in shock-

LANCE:
....we.....we'll discuss this later, Roy...

-Lance knocks on the front door-

LANCE:
Hello?

-Lance knocks again-
LANCE:
Y hello thar!?

ROY:
I don't think anyone's home

LANCE:
Roy shut up! They aren't going to leave a light on for no reason!
ROY:
Maybe they forgot to turn it off
LANCE:
Maybe they forgot to SHUT THE HELL UP ROY!Mother of god!

-Lance knocks again.-

LANCE:
Well howdy thar gosh darned cow patty eatin' sons of *****es!!!!

- The door creaks open. Lance looks over to Roy and shrugs his shoulders-

LANCE:
You see? I got skills
ROY
-under his breath-
your mom has skills
LANCE:
What'd you say?
ROY:
Huh? Oh...uh....I have a dollar bill?
LANCE:
......i'm....glad you do Roy.....go buy yourself some legs with it...i'll be back in a minute...
- LANCE walks in the house.-

ROY:
-mockingly-
Go buy you some legs with it! hahahaha HAHAHAHAHA! STUPID MORON!
CUT TO:

 	-INT. HOUSE. NIGHT. The light coming from the stairway gives the house a dim looking light to it. There are weird skeletal parts on the walls from assorted animals like dogs, cats, birds, even cows. Lance looks at them in amazement-

LANCE:
Whoa! FREAKY!!

- Lance touches one of the skeletal parts. It falls to the ground making a loud noise. Lance looks around nervously and sweeps the skeletal parts under the rug.-

LANCE:
These guys must worship satan or something....
- Lance looks up to the stairs.-

LANCE:
hello? Is there anybody out there....Is there anyone home?

CUT TO:

	- HONTUBBY STORE. Kyle and Christa are sitting at the desk reading from the journal. Kyle is reading out loud-

KYLE:

January 14, 1895. Haw creek has killed most of our townspeople. With no horses and temperatures below –5 degrees it's impossible to even go hunting with the little bit of clothes we have left. It's seems that if something doesn't happen quick the whole town is going to go crazy..or at least what's left of it. March 22, 1895. I'm scared for my life. The Culpepper family and the Smithwick family has teamed up to kill anybody that they can so they can at least eat good. As of now I'm hiding under my own desk behind a locked door feeding off of rats. I need to escape and I will as soon as temperatures warm up a little mo…. March 23,1895. T..hey've….found me. I think even though they can hunt…they like..the taste..of huma… MARCH 24,1895. YUM YUM!

- Kyle looks up in shock-

KYLE:
Oh my god....THE MYTH IS TRUE! We gotta get out of here!
CHRISTA:
Here use my cell phone to call the police!
- Christa pulls a flowered designed cell phone out of her purse.-
KYLE:
You've had a cell phone this entire time?
CHRISTA:
uh....duh! I'm a rich spoiled cheerleader! Of course I do!
KYLE:
And that's why I love you....anyways, screw the police! i'm calling my mom.
- Kyle takes the phone and dials a number. The cell phone can be heard. Someone is heard on the cell phone. It's kyle's mom saying "I'm sorry, we're currently watching a DVD so GO AWAY FRIGGIN TAX COLLECTORS! Leave a message at the beep. *beep*-
KYLE:
Mom!? this is your son! i'm being chased by canniballs! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
- Kyle hangs up-
CHRISTA:
What was the AHHH for?
KYLE:
Dramatic effect. Alright let's call the police..

- Kyle dials a number-
SWITCH TO:
	- HEAVENER POLICE DEPT. The police dept. is smokey. officer mary sits at her desk smoking a cigar. the phone rings. Officer mary picks up the phone.-
OFFICER MARY:
Heavener Police dept, we're hear to protect serve and make you look like a retard. This is officer mary speaking, how may i screw your life up?
CUT BACK TO:
 	- HONTUBBY STORE-
KYLE:
aw crap! It's officer mary!
CHRISTA:
Disguise your voice like all the spies do in the movies!
KYLE:
Good call!
- Kyle clears his throat!-

KYLE:
HELLOOOOO! My name is Bond.....
MARY:
Last name?
KYLE:
James Bond...
- Kyle winces-
MARY:
Alright Kyle i know it's you you worm sucking baby killer.
KYLE:
Dangit! Officer MAry please! i need help!
MARY:
What now? Are you being chased by evil cannibals?
KYLE:
Actually....yeah. send backup!
MARY:
You can't call for backup you idiot! You're not an officer
KYLE:
WELL SEND A FRIGGIN CAR OR SOMETHINGI'M GONNA FRIGGIN DIE!
MARY:
Alright alright....here's what we'll do for you....we'll send the entire squad over, the Swat team and a couple of K-9 units to assist you. Hell, we'll even throw in batman and Superman. C'mon gimme a break, Kyle, who do you think I am? Remember last weeks "help! your husband's traped under a gas truck incident?
KYLE:
Yeah...but your not married that's what's so funny about it..
MARY:
That's exactly why i didn't go for it..
KYLE:
yeah you did! You pulled up in your squad car crying "Jennifer! no!"
- The line is silent for a while-
MARY:
Well if you are getting chased by canniballs you deserve to die you little punk! *click
- KYle sits there staring at the phone-
CHRISTA:
So...what did she say?
KYLE:
She said....uh.......ARRRRGH
- Kyle throws the cell phone against a wall shattering it to pieces-
CHRISTA:
Hey! that was my cell phone!
KYLE:
Well buy a new one. In the meantime let's get out of here!
- Kyle walks out of the office Christa follows-
CUT TO:
	-INT. HOUSE. Lance slowly creeps up the stairs.-

LANCE:
Hello? anyone up here? Me and my friends have a flat and we were wondering if you have any fix a flat...
-Lance reaches the end of the stairs. The room where the light is protruding from is in front of Lance. There's a shadow of someone in a rocking chair cast on the wall of the room. Lance walks into the room. There's a rocking chair with it's back towards us and a lamp sitting on the ground. someone is in the chair.-
LANCE:
Hey smart guy, I know your alive so get out fo the FRIGGIN CHAIR AND HELP ME!
- Lance tips the rocking chair obver and see's the DEAD BODY OF BOB WITH HIS FACE RIPPED OFF EXPOSING HIS FACE MUSCLES AND HIS SKULL. Bob's head phones are playing Whitey got owned really loud-
LANCE: 
gy....AHHHHHH! HOLY MOTHER!!!
- Lance goes to run out of the door but is greeted by HAIRY NOW WEARING BOB'S FACE ATTACHED TO HIS HEAD-
HAIRY:
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
- HAIRY swings at Lance but lances rolls out of the way and jumps out of the window sending glass shattering everywhere. Lance lands in a bush outside. Hairy peers out of the window-

CUT TO:
 	-THE HOUSE. EXT. Roy sits outside by the porch with a beer bottle in his hand. He hears the sound of footsteps coming down from the stairs.-
ROY:
Here he comes!
- Roy gets the beer bottle ready and turns around facing the house and is met with HAIRY CRASHING THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.-
HAIRY:
WHOOO..
-Hairy gets hit with a beer bootle. Hairy holds his face in pain and pulls off Bob's face. Hairy stumbles around on the porch.-

ROY:
Hey.....YOU'RE NOT LANCE.....your........THE HONTUBBY KILLER! OH MY GOD! WERE ALLLLL GONNAAAAAA DIEEEEEEE!
- Roy goes to turn around and tries to start his motor up but it want start. Roy begins rolling the wheelchair with his hands but hairy jumps off the porch with a triumphant WHOOOO on top of roy tipping the wheelchair over and sending Roy spiraling to the ground. Hairy brigns the weedwhacker directly into Roy's stomach. Blood splatters onto the wheelchair and the screams of Roy fade out .-
CUT TO:
	- LANCE in the backyard of the house. Lance is now bleeding badly from his arm. Lance hears the screams of Roy.-
LANCE:
aw...no.....not roy too!
- Lance turns around and goes to run in the woods when he's met with a HAMMER TO HIS HEAD.
LANCE:
Oh.....snap!
- Lance falls down unconscious. We peer up to see a retarded looking black man with bad teeth. his name is GIBBENS. He smiles a wryly smile-
GIBBENS:
AY HAIIRY! I GOTST US ANOTHER ONE! 
-Gibbens begins laughing maniacally and starts beating Lance in the head repeatedly with the hammer. Lance is obviously dead now.-
CUT TO: 
	- Outside of the Hontubby Store. Kyle and Christa burst through the front door running really fast. A Truck comes from the road leading back to the van.-

KYLE:
Oh thank god..

- KYLE and Christa wave the truck down.  The truck pulls over. a Man in a cowboy hat rolls down his window.-

MAN:
What seems to be the problem you guys?

KYLE
We got problems and we need them fixed!
MAN:
Whoahoho now boy! slow down! What seems to be the problem
KYLE:
Well what does it look like genuis!? We're in the middle of a town full of canniballsbecause we ran over a friggin rapist porcupine! We need a ride down Dehart Lane to pick up our friends....
CHRISTA:
Wait a minute....where's Bob?
KYLE:
Hey....where is Bob?
CHRISTA:
You don't think he's
KYLE:
.....yes....

CHRISTA:
oh....my god.....he's stoned...

KYLE:
Yep....he'll be alright until we come back from Dehart Lane.
MAN:
Well hop in. The name's John....
KYLE:
I'm Kyle Vandagriff....and this is my girlfriend Christa...
CHRISTA:
hi.
MAN:
Pleased to meet ya. Get in here...
- KYLE and Christa hop into the truck. The truck begins driving down Dehart Lane. Country music is playing on the radio.-

JOHN:
We usually don't get many people coming down to these parts, but when we do...we sure do love it.
CHRISTA:
That's great! I love it when people love me!
-pause-
JOHN:
So....where you kids from?
KYLE:
Hodgen
JOHN:
Well...heh heh....that sure is a long way huh?
KYLE:
Heh....yeah..
CHRISTA:
I'm from heavener......i'm a cheerleader.
JOHN:
Well i'll be... a cheerleader huh?  I met a few cheerleaders before when I was a kid. We'd usually have them over for dinner a few times but after that it seems like they never did come back!
CHRISTA:
Well...what a bunch of snobs. I wonder why?
JOHN:
I don't know....it's probably because they didn't like my family's style.
- Kyle feels something poking him in the back. Kyle looks behin him and sees a WOMAN'S DECAPITATED HEAD!
CHRISTA:
Who's your family?
JOHN:
-smirking-
The Culpeppers
KYLE:
CHRISTA C'MON!
- KYLE jumps out of the car and rolls into a ditch. Christa goes to jump but John grabs her and throws a Paper sack over her head and ties it with a rope. Christa screams.-
JOHN:
Now now now! We ain't gonna hurt you one bit.
- John picks up a brromstick from behind the seat.-
JOHN:
It's alright now little lady. just...uh....stay calm
- John starts poking her with the brromstick-
CHRISTA:
AH! That's my thig you bast....
JOHN:
Hey! there ain't no need for that kind of language.....uh...
- John starts poking her with the broomstick again. He starts laughing maniacally.-
- TRUCK P.O.V: Gibeens is dancing in the middle of the road like a fairy with his bloody hammer. John stops laughing and gets serious-
JOHN:
There's that idiot!
- John stops the turck and gets out armed with his broomstick.-
GIBBENS:
hey john! I GOTSTUS ANOTHA ONE!!!!
JOHN:
YOUUUUUUU IDIOT! YOu LEFT THAT HAMMER ON THE PORCH THIS MORNING DIDN'T YOU!
GIBBENS:
NO I Di...
JOHN:
DONT LIE TO ME YOU FARTSUCKING IDIOT FROM HELL!
- John whacks Gibbens with the broomstick a few times.-
GIBBENS:
AH! AH! PLEASE STOP HITTING ME!
JOHN:
 Did ya' get em' all!?
GIBBENS:
 yes sa. got da blonde haired boy, the crippled man and the lanky skinny one!
JOHN:
well go get the last one down the road! He should be laying in the ditch. If he gets away  IT'S YOUR ASS!
GIBBENS:
YESSA!
- Gibbens begins walking down the road. John jumps back in the truck and continues down the road.-
JOHN:
You see him? he's Gibbens. He's the town retard....oh wait....YOU CAN'T SEE! HAHA....You got a peper bag over your head! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
- John begins poking her with a stick. -

CUT TO:
 	- Gibbens skipping downt he dark road saying "We gonna eat some people! We gonna eat some people!"  Gibbens stops at the spot where Kyle was supposed to be and see's a small spot of blood. Kyle is standing behind a tree . Gibbens looks around caustiously and then screams loudly and beats his head on a tree. Gibbens then walks back the way he came from crying.-
CUT BACK TO:
	- THE HOUSE. NIGHT. John's truck pulls up outside. HAIRY crashes through the front door with a triumphant WHOOOO in an apron with a spatual in his hand and a new face on....the face of ROY. Hairy does a strange foot dance and dances around strangely. John gets out of his truck and starts beating Hairy with the broomstick-
JOHN:
YOUUUUU FOOL! Quit dancing around like a stupid idiot and get this girl out of the truck!!!
HAIRY:
-in a girly voice-
YESSA! YESSA!
- Hairy goes to the passenger side of the turck and opens the door. He pulls the paper sack off of Christa's face. Christa see's hairy and let's out a blood curdling scream. Hairy claps his hands in joy.-
HAIRY:
YOUSA MINE NOW!!
- Hairy drags her into the house kicking and screaming.
-Hairy ties her up to a chair in the dining room and puts a dirty rag in her mouth.-
JOHN(.O.S)
HAIRRRRRRY! YOU GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO!
- John runs into view at the top of the stairway with a metal pipe in his hand-
JOHN:
YOU BROKE MY DAMNED WINDOW!!! YOUUUUUUUUUU IDDDDDIOOOOT!
HAIRY:
UH-OH!
- Hairy runs for it and John Chases after him and finally tackles him in the kitchen and begins beating him with a metal pipe. Hairy crawls into the corner in a fetal position.-

JOHN:
That should teach you to break my windows! now go finsih cookin' dinner!
HAIRY:
Yessa! yessa!
- Gibbens walks in gloomily-
JOHN:
Well?
GIBBENS:
He's not out der!
JOHN:
WHAT!? YOUUUUUUUU IDIIIIIIIIIOTIC SONOFA*****! 
- John grabs a toilet seat and begins beating gibbens around the house with it. Gibbens curls up in a corner pleading for his life.-
JOHN:
This is great! Just friggin great! now the police are going to find us!!!
GIBBENS:
We....we can eat dos' po-lice officas too! Dey be some miggggghhty good eatin'!
JOHN:
No! We can't ! POLICE HAVE GUNS! and what do we have!? A FRIGGIN WEEDWHACKER AND A HAMMER
GIBBENS:
oh.......yeah.
JOHN:
Dangit....now what are we going to do.....let's think...What would charle's manson do?
- a thought bubble pops up over John's head. Charle's Manson is shown beating the crap out of a innocent goat with a vacuum cleaner.-
JOHN:
naw......Hey wait! I got an idea! This girl is the guy's boyfriend. Maybe if we let her scream really loud he'll show up and we can bag em' and our problems will be solved! 
- Hairy is slowly lurking behind John. Johyn looks behind him-
JOHN:
What in the heck are you doing!? GET IN THERE AND COOK YOU GOOD FER NOTHIN FISH EYED FREAK!
HAIRY:
oo Jus' don' understand...
JOHN:
I understand that if you don't get in there and cook I'M GOING TO SHOVE A BROOMSTICK UP YOUR ***.....AGAIN!
-Hairy runs off holding his rear into the kitchen. John kneels down beside Christa-
JOHN:
Alright, girl, this is what you are gonna do. I'm gonna take this rag off of your mouth and i want you to scream like you're about to be eaten by redneck cannibals. You got it?
- Christa shakes her head yes.-
JOHN:
Alright......1........2
- John pulls out the rag. Christa screams extremely loud.-
CUT TO: 
	-EXT. night. Kyle runs through the forest with a kind of limp in his leg. He hears Christa scream. He stops-

KYLE:
Christa....
- Brocky all of the sudden starts tugging at Kyle's leg-

KYLE:
Brocky!? oh, did i leave you? I'm so sorry, man....
- Brocky jumps on Kyle's shoulder. Kyle strokes Brocky's back.-

KYLE:
are you ready to do some monkey-fu brocky!?
- brocky shakes his head yes. Kyle smirks-
KYLE:
Then let's go save Christa.........the hard way...
CUT BACK TO:
	- THE HOUSE. INT. Christa is still screaming. a front window breaks. John is holding his hear in pain.-

JOHN:
ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! PUT THE FRIGGIN RAG BACK IN!
- Gibbens puts the rag back in her mouth. She continues screaming through the rag.-
JOHN:
GYAH! Knock the ***** out!
-Gibbens knocks her out with a baseball bat. John stares at Gibbens-

JOHN:
Where did you find the bat?
- Gibbens looks at the bat then shrugs his shoulder.-

JOHN:
YOUUUUUU IDIOOOOT! YOU HAD A BAT AND YOU NEVER TOLD US!?
- john kicks Gibbens in the crotch, grabs the baseball bat and proceeds to beat the crap out of Gibbens with it.-
CUT TO:

	- INT. NIGHT. Kyle opens the back of the van and pulls back the carpetting on the floor of the van. There is a secret compartment labelled "EMERGENCY ONLY". Kyle opens it up. Inside of the compartment is a shotgun and a pair of nunchucks. Kyle grabs the shotgun-

KYLE:
It's time to prove to Mr. Jojo that I don't suck

- Kyle cocks his shotgun-
Brocky, let's go kick some cannaballistic bootay!!
- Brocky grabs his nunchucks and swings them around a little bit.-
BROCKY:
OOOOO! OOOO!
CUT TO:
	-POV SHOT from Christa: She wakes up and see's she's sitting at the dinner table surrounded by Gibbens, Hairy John and an old grandpa sitting at the end of the table now in Roy's wheelchair. They are all smiling at her....except for the grandpa who looks dead. Christa screams. Gibbens and Hairy start screaming with her.John throws a beer bottle at gibbens causing it to shatter over his head.-

JOHN:

YOUUU IDIOTS! STOP SCREAMING....now there's no reason to be scared...you're just fine little lady.

CHRISTA:

Theres a freaky old dead dude at the end of the table!!!!

JOHN:
Hey! Don't call him dead.! He's in perfect healthy condition! Christa.......met.....GRANDPA CULPEPPER!

-CLose up shot of the dead looking old guy. suddenly HIS EYES FLY OPEN. GRANDPA does a backflip out of his chair and starts singing.-

GRANDPA

WE'RE CANNIBALLS.....LIKE HANNIBALL.....WE LIKE TO EAT PEOPLE'S LIVER! WE'RE CANNIBALLS LIKE HANNIBAL....WE HAVE WEIRD FURNITURE TO MAKE YOU SHIVER. You never thought you'd be eaten by me......but now you're here to help keep me healthyyyyyyyy
- suddenly a bunch of half eaten corpses....some even rotting and some without body parts start doing the Rockettes with grandpa.-
GRANDPA:
Oh don't you know that ole grandpa.....IS A FLESH...EATING...BONE CRUNCHING........CANNNNNNIBALLLLLLLL.....LIKE HANNNIBAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLYEAH!
- Grandpa frontflips back into his chair.-
Christa:
Wow.....that was pretty cool

JOHN:
It is isn't it? Grandpa always does his dancing routine for the guests. It's sometimes meant to trick the guests to make them think that we have an old dead guy in our house who we wheel down for every meal even though he's dead but we're too crazy to even care, so then we have grandpa bust out in a song and dance to catch em' by suprise
CHRISTA:
Well...it sure does work well! 
JOHN:
You know, grandpa Culpepper is the one who started the Hontubby tradition of cannaballism. 
CHRISTA:
Yeah I read that diary in the store.....you guys are pretty sick...
GIBBENS:
I WANT MAH FOOD ALREADY!!!!
-John throws a butter knife at Gibbens hitting him right in the arm-
GIBBENS:
AH!
JOHN:
SHUT UP YOU IDIOT! I'm trying to tell a story.   Anyways.....yup.....we're the famous Culpeppers.....except for these to freakyloos. The one witht he afro is Hairy SMithwick. Unfortunately he died when Gibbens, who is this retard right here, chopped down a tree and it fell on top of him crushing him dead. So anyways we were starving for some food so we ate his wrinled *** too!

CHRISTA:
That's.....gross. Why don't you guys just eat deer!?

- LONG SILENCE. the family is stumped.-

JOHN:
We.....just....don't.....okay!?
-SUDDENLY THE WINDOW BEHIND GRANDPA BURSTS OPEN WITH A HUGE BLAST. KYLE ARMED WITH A SHOTGUN and BROCKY, appear in the window frame. Brocky swings his nunchucks into a defensive position.-
KYLE:
Hey dudes! This is brocky and this 
- Kyle cocks his shotgun-
is my boomstick. Oh and by the way....You're house sucks!
- Kyle shoots at the ceiling causing plaster to fall on top of the family. John spits out some plaster-
JOHN:
You idiot.....YOU BROKE MY DAMNED WINDOW Do you know how many windows that makes!? 3! 3 friggin windows all blown to bits! I let the first 2 slide but now.....you've ticked me off
-John picks up his broomstick-
JOHN (CNT'D)
THIS....is my broomstick! IT'S A RAID!!!!!!
- John jumps over the table and starts attacking with his broomstick. Kyle blocks John's broomstick with the barrel of his shotgun.-
KYLE:
BROCKY! GO NINJA GO NINJA GO!
- Close up on Brocky's eyes as they widen. a weird GONG is heard. Brocky does a trible front flip in the air and jumps on John's face scratching at his eyes. Brocky jumps off of john's face and kicks Gibbens in they eye and hits Hairy in the shins with his nunchucks. Brocky then sweeps Gibbens off of his feet with his nunchucks. Kyle beats John in the head 3 times and sidekicks him in the chin sending him on top of the table. Kyle points the shotgun at john but GRANDPA CULPEPPER suddenly comes alive and kicks the shotgun out of Kyle's hands.-
GRANDPA:
Now you're in for it big boy
KYLE:
Just who do you think you are?
GRANDPA:
I'm.....GRANDPA CULPEPPER!
- GRANDPA sidekicks kyle in the face sending him through a wall. Meanwhile Brocky throws a plate at gibbens hitting in the face all while beating Hairy in the face with his nun chucks. Kyle gets up and dusts off.-

KYLE:
Whoa....you're kind of limber for your age.
GRANDPA:
I do tae bo...
KYLE:
yeah?
- Kyle picks his shotgun up-
KYLE:
Well tell billy Blank's I said hi when you see him in hell!
- Kyle fires his shotgun. ENTER MATRIX MODE as GRANDPA DODGES THE SHOTGUN BLAST. Grandpa then cartwheels in front of Kyle and kicks him in the nuts.-
GRANDPA:
Ya' can't kill what is halfway dead.
- Grandpa kicks the shotgun out of Kyle's hand backflips and catches it and fires. Kyle cartwheels out of the way. Grandpa tries again. Kyle cartwheels out of the way again.-
GRANDPA:
Be still dangit! This'll only sting for a second!
- Kyle grabs a toilet seat and tosses it towards grandpa. Grandpa does a front flip and catches it while he's upside and throws it straight at kyle, hitting Kyle straight in the face sending him crashing into a bathtub full of blood and rotting body parts. Kyle looks at his shirt and his hands.-
KYLE:
oh......groovy.
CHRISTA:
CAN SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THIS CHAIR PLEASE!
-Brocky is jumping up and down on John's head -
JOHN:
GET OFF ME YOU HAIRY CREATURE OF SATAN!
-HAIRY starts up the weedwhacker and  send sit crashing down towards Brocky. Brocky rolls out of the way and the weedwhacker is sent staright to the back of john's head.-
JOHN:
AHHH! YOU MORON! THE MONKEYS OVER THERE!
- The monkey is kicking Gibben's in the face.-
- Kyle pulls himself out of the bathtub and tosses a woman's severed head at grandpa hitting him right in the crotch-
GRANDPA:
OOF!
KYLE:
Oo.....lowblow.....you deserve it gramps
GRANDPA:
GYAAAAAAH! PUNK KIDS!
- Grandpa RIPS HIS LEG OFF and throws it at Kyle. Kyle dodges.-
KYLE:
....THe heck?
GRANDPA:
Hairy accidentally chopped my leg off in a bizzare fire wood accident so they sewed someone else leg on as a replacement.-
KYLE:
Whoa....that's funky. what happened to your real leg!?
GRANDPA: WE ATE IT!
KYLE:
That's groovy...Time for me to go!
- KYLE runs towards Christa but grandpa jumps in the air Matrix style and does a frontflip behind Kyle and puts him in a sleeper hold-
GRANDPA:
I call this the Hontubby chicken pooper Crotch hugging nosebleed sleeper!
KYLE:
Well...it's not making me
- Kyle dozes off-

CHRISTA:
KYLE! NO!
- brocky finally bites off the rope that had christa tied up. Christa grabs a knife and throws it directly into grandpa's eye. Grandpa holds his eye in pain-

GRANDPA:
AH! MY EYE!
- Christa tosses a butcher knife hitting john directly in the foot. John stares ta his foot!
JOHN:
that's my foot....THAT'S MY FRIGGIN' FOOT! AHHHHHHHHH! MY FOOT! YOUUUUUU IDIIIIIOT!!
- Christa jumps over the table and pours some perfume she ahd in he rpockets in Kyle's eyes. Kyle's eyes pop open-

KYLE:
AHHHHH! MY EYES! THEY BURN! AHHHHHH! AHHHH! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! THE GOGGLES!!!! THEY DO NOTHING!!!
- GIBBENS suddenly grabs christa. Brocky jumps on Gibbens back chioking his with a intestine he found laying around. Christa helps Kyle up and they begin running for the front door-
CHRISTA:
Brocky! C'mon! let's go!
- close up on Brocky's face-

BROCKY:
- In an Arnold Swarzenegger voice-
OOV OT TO GET OUT OF HERE!
- Christa cocks her head confused?
CHRISTA:
YOU CAN TALK!?
KYLE:
He's a friggin labarotory runaway....leave him!
BROCKY:
GET TO DA CHOPPAH!!NOW!
KYLE:
Thank you Brocky.....I won't forget you!
BROCKY:
aHM A COP YOU IDIOT!!!
- Kyle and Christa runs out of the house. brocky grabs a bottle of Gasoline and throws it on AHiry. Hairy looks at it confused. Brokcy smirks and lights up a match-
HAIRY:
uh-oh...
BROCKY:
Hastalavista.......babay...
- Brocky throws the match on hairy causing hairy to go up in flames and blows Brocky away. Hairy runs around screaming. A curtain catches on fire. The house soon catches on fire as well. Gibbens jumps on Hairy's back trying to put it out but he catches on fire as well. Hairy jumps into the bloody bath tub and gets it put out. Gibbens jumps on top of hairy in the bath tub. John pulls the Butcher knife out of his foot-
JOHN:
YOU IDIOTS! GET HIM!
- hairy grabs his weedwhacker and starts it up. then goes chasing after them-
HAIRY:
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
CUT TO:
	- EXT. HOUSE. SUNRISE. Christa and KYle are running out of the yard. HAIRy BURST through the front door and raises the weedwhacker over his head triumphantly. Hairy revs his weedwhacker up and lets out a big hearty WHOOOOO!-

CHRISTA
oh my god......KYLE RUN!

KYLE:
WE ARE RUNNING!

- Out behind Hairy comes Gibbens and John. John jumps into the truck and Gibbens jumps in the back armed with Kyle's shotgun.-
CHRISTA:
HOLY CRAP!!
- Hairy and the truck are catching up to them.  Gibbens fires a few rounds from the shotgun. the sun is rising.-

KYLE: 
WHY IS THE SUN RISING!?
- KYLE and CHRISTA Break throuhg on the main road and begin running towards Hodgen . A semi truck is coming down the road Christa and Kyle are running down. Christa and Kyle try to wave it downhairy continues chasing them on foot. John's truck pulls out in front of the semi truck.-
JOHN:
OH....SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII...
- JOHN's Eyes widen in horror and the truck slams into them. Gibbens goes flying out of the back of the truck straight into a barbed wire fence. The truck rolls over several times before rolling over into gibbens. KYLE and Christa continue runnign down the road with Hairy catching up more and more. Suddenly another car appears. It's KYLE'S MOM! Kyle and Christa wave them down. Kyle's mom does a big 180 turn around coming to a stop. Kyle and christa jump in as quickly as possible.-
KYLE:

GO  GO GO!!!

- HAIRY Sticks the weedwhacker in the window cutting Kyle in the face. The car speeds up! Kyle's mom rolls the window up. the weedwhacker gets caught in it.-
KYLE:
AH! MY FACE! IM BLEEDING!
- Hairy loses his footing and is being dragged behind the car as he hangs onto his weedwhacker for dear life.-
CHRISTA:
ROLL DOWN THE WIDNOW!
-KYLE'S MOM rolls the window down freeing the weedwhacker sending hairy rolling down the road.  Hairy stands up and begins swinging his weedwhacker around wildly-

HAIRY:

WHOOOO! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHOOOOOOO! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

CUT BACK TO:
	- The car. Kyle is bleeding but is laughing out of relief.-
KYLE:
Phew.....thank god that's all over with...let's go home and eat some...
- SUDDENLY GRANDPA JUMPS ON TOP OF THE WINDSHIELD ARMED WITH A HAMMER. GRANDPA starts banging at the windshield with his hammer cracking it-
KYLE AND CHRISTA:
AHHH! GRANDPA!
GRANDPA:
OH NO YOU DON'T!
- GRANDPA breaks through the windshield and grabs for Kyle or anyone. Kyle grabs the car's cigarrete light and stabs Grandpa in the eye with it. Grandpa loses his grip as he holds his eye in pain and rolls off of the car. The car continues speeding off. Grandpa stands up and pulls the cigarette lighter out of his eye.-
GRANDPA:
DANGIT! MY GOOD EYE!
CUT BACK TO:
	- The Car. -
KYLE:
Mom, the sotry was real!
MOM:
What story?
KYLE:
The hontubby murders! it's true! There are canniballistic mountain men around here!
MOM:
Don't worry honey. They are all gonna die and burn in hell for the rest of eternity. Let's get you to the hospital. That weedwhacker probably was infected with AIDS!
CHRISTA:
Oh Kyle I knew you'd save me.
- Christa gives Kyle a huge kiss. Christa begins crying.-
CHRISTA:
Oh my god.....they're all dead! ....Lance.....Roy....Brocky...
KYLE:
What about Bob?
CHRISTA:
eh, screw Bob...he sucked anyway...but....still...they're all dead...
KYLE:
well Christa....we'll be all right. At least WE survived......the.....HONTUBBY......WEEDWHACKER......INCIDENT....

- THE Car speeds off into the sunset as  hard music fades in.-

- FADE OUT-

THE END

   Kyle: well Christa. At least we survived….the HONTUBBY…..WEEDWHACKER….INCIDENT. [The car speeds off into the sunset as the screen fades to black] THE END? [Any characters, monkeys, places, events used in the script are completely coincidental.]