CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM

                                  “The Raffle”
                                       BY
                                 Dentis Fowlkes

 

 

    Dentis Fowlkes                                                Wga# 1066083
    18 Laurel Oaks dr 
    APT 203                                                       First Draft
    Winter Springs, FL 32708                                      SPEC
    Dfowlkes@atlantic.net

FADE IN:

EXT. A PUBLIC GOLF COURSE--MORNING

Larry and Jeff are standing on the 8th green.

LARRY
That doesn't count as a shot.

JEFF
Why not? You hit it.

LARRY
You moved my ball.

JEFF
No I didn't... How'd I move the ball?
                              LARRY
When you walked by I saw it move.

JEFF
It didn't move... I'm counting the shot.

Larry notices a patch of brown on the fairway.

LARRY
Doesn't this place have grounds keepers?

JEFF
Yeah...Why?

LARRY
Look at this grass. It looks like shit.

JEFF
What'd you want it's a public course? You know it's the only course we can go; since we got kicked out the country club.

LARRY
I’ll have you to know, those guys were snobs, and probably anti-Semites.

They take another shot and walk towards the green.

JEFF
So, look I need you to do me a favor.

LARRY
Oh boy... here it comes.

JEFF
It's nothing big
(BEAT)
My mother is selling these raffle tickets for charity, and I think it would be good if you bought one.

LARRY
Why me?

JEFF
As an apology for copping a feel of her. I think it'll be a good idea.

LARRY
Schmuck! I told you I never copped a feel of your mother... Which charity?

JEFF
I don't know?

LARRY
You don't know? I can't... I gotta know who I’m giving to.

JEFF
I told her you would.

They putt towards to hole.

LARRY
I don't know... I'm not comfortable with giving to charities.

JEFF
What's the big deal?

LARRY
I don't know; it feels like a scam.

JEFF
What scam it's my mother.

LARRY
Yeah a woman who hates me.

JEFF
Look, just do it for me.

LARRY
(RELUCTANTLY)
Alright
(BEAT)
Tee up for the 9th.

SCENE II

EXT.  WILSHIRE BLVD, SANTA MONICA--DAY

Larry and Jeff are walking down the street.

LARRY
What're they raffling?

JEFF
I think it's a Hummer.

LARRY
The kind Arnold Schwarzenegger drives?

JEFF
Yeah... It's a nice car.

LARRY
It's a little big.

JEFF
So?

LARRY
I'm just saying with gas prices--

JEFF
It's a fun car. You can go off roading.

LARRY
Yeah right, imagine me off roading. I live in the city so I don't have to off road.

They walk pass a grocery store.

LARRY (CONT'D)
Hold on, I need some gum.

They walk towards the store. Starting to cross the parking lot they see a Cadillac. The Cadillac driver is 40 ish year old black man. They stop to let the car pass by, but the car also stops and the driver waves them by. Larry waves the car threw again.

JEFF
What are you doing? Come on

LARRY
No let this guy go.

JEFF
Why? He's waving us threw.

CADILLAC DRIVER
Hey come on move!

LARRY
No you go.

The car driver sticks up his middle finger and drives off.

LARRY (CONT'D)
Asshole!

JEFF
What the hell was that?

LARRY
I don't like that situation; he stops and now we're obligated to run across the parking lot. If I wanted to run do you think my body would look like this?

JEFF
Yeah... that's a good point.

They walk into the grocery store.

SCENE III

INT. THE DAVID'S HOME--DAY

Cheryl and Wanda are sitting in the kitchen stuffing envelopes.

CHERYL
How many does that make?

WANDA
That's 223.

Larry enters.

LARRY
There she is.

He walks over and kisses Cheryl on the cheek.

LARRY (CONT'D)
Hi, Wanda.

WANDA
Hey Larry.

LARRY
What's all this? 

CHERYL
Wanda's Church is collecting money for an AIDS charity, And we are mailing out pamphlets for donations.

LARRY
Isn't that panhandling--

WANDA
It's not Panhandling Larry.

LARRY
Let me see one of these things.

Larry grabs one and slowly recognizes the face on the pamphlet. The picture on the front of the pamphlet is the guy that he cursed out at the grocery store parking lot.

LARRY (CONT'D)
Hey I know this guy.

CHERYL
Well good, why don't you give then?

LARRY
No... I'm not going to give to this guy.

WANDA
What's wrong with this guy?

CHERYL
Yeah Larry, what's wrong with this guy?

          LARRY
I hate to say it, but he’s a bit of an asshole.

          WANDA
What do you mean asshole? He’s a preacher.

          CHERYL
A preacher Larry.

          LARRY
I don’t trust him; he’s got a Cadillac
           
          WANDA
A Cadillac? You don’t trust a black man if he drives a Cadillac?

          LARRY
NO that’s not it. I’m saying were does a man of the cloth get money for a Cadillac.

          WANDA
What???

          LARRY
I don’t give to charities anyway.

          WANDA
Sure don’t give money to the black man.
          LARRY
No that’s not it, Ask Cheryl.

Cheryl grabs Larry by the arm and nudges him out the room.
          CHERYL
Ok—Larry don’t you have something to do?

Wanda rolls her eyes at Larry as he walks out the kitchen.             
               
                     ACT TWO
SCENE IV

INT. LARRY’S CAR—MIDDAY

Larry and Jeff are driving to pick up the raffle tickets from Jeff’s mother.

                    LARRY
          Hey, so look don’t mention to
          Cheryl That I bought a raffle 
          ticket.

                    JEFF
          Why not?

                    LARRY
          Do you really need to know?
        
                    JEFF
          I gotta know why I’m doing a favor.

                    LARRY
          Look, She’s collecting money for
          Charity, and I told her I don’t 
          give money.

                    JEFF
          She’s your wife she knows you give!

                    LARRY
          Where do you get that? She doesn’t
                    (MORE)                      
                    (CONTINUED)

                    LARRY (CONT’D)
          know I give. How would she know
          if I give...?

                    JEFF
          I don’t know I thought a wife would
          know that.

                    LARRY
          No wives don’t know that.
               (BEAT)
          Does Susie know if you give?

                    JEFF
          YES! Susie knows I give.

                    LARRY
          Well, Cheryl doesn’t so don’t
          mention it. 

                    JEFF
          Alright, Alright I won’t mention
          Anything, mums the word.

                    LARRY
          You give? Who do you give to?

                    JEFF
          I’ve given to G.L.A.A.D.

                    LARRY
          Really, Gay and Lesbian?

                    JEFF
          I am always a sucker for lesbians.

                    LARRY
          Money well spent.

EXT. THE PUBLIC COUNTRY CLUB—MID MORNING

Cheryl and Susie are playing a few sets of Tennis. Wanda is on the side lines taking in the match. The set ends with Susie ahead.

                    Cheryl
          Let’s play another.

                    Susie
          Yeah, Ok... It’s your serve.

Cheryl serves the ball and Susie returns it with fury. The ball goes out of bounds. Cheryl grabs another ball from under her tennis skirt and serves again.

                    CHERYL
               (To self)
          Let’s see you hit this one.

                    SUSIE
          What I can’t hear you?

                    CHERYL
          Nothing!

Wanda sits back and laughs.

The ball returns, they are hitting the ball back and forth. Cheryl runs towards the net to spike it in Susie’s face when she slips and falls to the ground. Susie and Wanda run over to her.

                    WANDA
          Are you alright?

                    CHERYL
               (in Pain)
          No, I think... I sprained 
          My ankle.

                    SUSIE
          Alright, Let’s get you to the
          hospital.

                    WANDA
          Come on...
                 
                    CHERYL
          Owww... Owww...

They help Cheryl get up and the help her walk off the court.
    
EXT. SANTA MONICA BLVD—DAY
We see Jeff and Larry walking down the street.

                    LARRY
          Where is it?
          
                    JEFF
          Just down the street here.

They notice Kathy Griffin walking towards them on the sidewalk.
 
                    LARRY
          Hey Kathy.

                    KATHY
          Hi Larry. Hi Jeff.

                    JEFF
          I’m glad I ran into you. Did you 
          get a chance to read the 
          Manhandle script?

                    LARRY
          Manhandle?

                    JEFF
          It’s a new musical. Written 
          specifically for Kathy

                    KATHY
          Well I wanted to talk to you
          about some things. Do you have a
          sec?

                    JEFF
          Yeah, You don’t mind do you
          Larry?

                    LARRY
          No I don’t mind; but your mother
          is waiting for us.
                      
                    JEFF
          No No don’t worry this’ll just take
          a minute               
         
                    LARRY
          Look , I’m going to go ahead and
          you two talk.

                    KATHY
          Are you sure? I don’t want to run
          you off.
           
                              LARRY
                    No you two talk.

                              JEFF
                    Alright see you there.

                              KATHY
                    Thanks Larry.

Larry walks off. He gets to the front of Jeff’s mother office building. He stands outside the building with a look of absolute boredom; when a familiar face turns the corner. It’s the Cadillac driver. They recognize each other immediately.

                              LARRY
                    Well, Look who’s here.                              

                              CADILLAC DRIVER
                    Oh it’s you. Where do you get off
                    calling me an asshole.

                              LARRY
                    Where do you get off sticking
                    your middle finger at me?

                              CADILLAC DRIVER
                    You should have crossed the
                    street.
                             
                              LARRY
                    I didn’t want to cross the
                    street.

                              CADILLAC DRIVER
                    Why not? That’s a gesture of
                    good will.

                              LARRY
                    Look I just prefer to wait to
                    cross.

                              CADILLAC DRIVER
                    Why would someone wait to cross?
                    That’s crazy.
                              
                              LARRY
                    People don’t want to run.
                         (BEAT)
                    You stop in the middle of the
                    street, and now I’m obligated to
                    Run across: I get sweaty, and 
                    tired. It’s a whole thing
                            
                              CADILLAC DRIVER
                    I didn’t think of it like that.
                    That’s obscene.

                              LARRY
                    Yes it is a little obscene. You
                    see what I’m talking about? 
                             
                              CADILLAC DRIVER
                    Yes I do.
                          
                              LARRY
                    Let me ask you something; What
                    kind of gas mileage can you get
                    from that Cadillac?
                              
                              CADILLAC DRIVER
                    Not that good... Thinking about
                    getting one?

                              LARRY
                    I was looking at getting a Hummer.

                              CADILLAC DRIVER
                    The kind like Schwarzenegger?                           

                              LARRY 
                    Yeah, exactly.
                        (BEAT)
                    Did you know a friend of mine goes
                    to your church?

                              CADILLAC DRIVER
                    Really who?

                              LARRY
                    Wanda.

                              CADILLAC DRIVER
                    Oh Wanda. She’s a good woman.
                    
                              LARRY
                    Yes she’s a great woman.

                              CADILLAC DRIVER
                    Wait are you Cheryl’s husband?

                              LARRY
                    Yes Cheryl’s my wife.

                              CADILLAC DRIVER
                    They are doing some charity work
                    with the church. 

                              LARRY
                    Yeah...  Yeah I know.

                             CADILLAC DRIVER
                    Did you give?

                              LARRY
                    Oh no I don’t give to charities.

                              CADILLAC DRIVER
                    What do you mean?
                    
                              LARRY
                    I mean I already gave this year to
                    charities. I won’t give until next
                    year.

                              CADILLAC DRIVER
                    We are giving to a good cause.

                              LARRY
                    Nah, maybe next year.

                              CADILLAC DRIVER
                    Ok I’m going to hold you to that.

Jeff turns the corner.

                              JEFF
                    Hey.
                             
                              LARRY
                    HEY.

                              JEFF
                    Sorry about that.

                              LARRY
                    Hey next time why don’t you hold
                    business in the office?

                              JEFF
                    I know. I know but that was
                    important.
 
                              LARRY
                    Hey I’d like you to meet Wanda’s
                    Pastor.

                              JEFF
                    Hey how are you?

    They shake hands.

                              JEFF
                        (To LARRY)
                    Isn’t he the--       
                
Larry is Ignoring Jeff’s comment

                    LARRY
          So we are going to go.
                    
                     CADILLAC DRIVER
          Where are you guys going?

                     JEFF
          We are going to buy raffle tickets 
          for charity.

                     CADILLAC DRIVER
          Wait, I thought you said you didn’t
          Give to charities.

                     LARRY
          Yeah well, what I meant—

                     CADILLAC DRIVER
          You meant you just don’t give to
          Black charities?

                     LARRY
          No that’s not it.

                     CADILLAC DRIVER
          No I think that is it...

                     LARRY
          I give all the time to the United
          Negro college fund.

                     CADILLAC DRIVER
          I don’t want to hear it.

The Cadillac driver walks off in disgust. Larry and Jeff enter the building.        
               
INT. JEFF’S MOTHER CHARITY OFFICE—DAY

We see Larry and Jeff walking down the corridor of the office building.

                    JEFF
          I think the H3 is a nice car.

                    LARRY
          I’m not saying it’s not a nice car;
          I am saying isn’t a bit much.

                    JEFF
          Why are we discussing this; no one
          wins these raffles.

                    LARRY
          Just in the event I win.

                    JEFF
          Well, just in case you win give it
          to me.
         
                    Larry
          You want my new car?
                   
                    JEFF
          Only if you don’t want it.

                    LARRY
          Of course I want it.
               
                    JEFF
          What would you do with it. You were
          just complaining about it.

                    LARRY
          I could give it to Cheryl or my
          father.

                    JEFF
          Your father has cataracts.

They arrive at the headquarters’ suite.

                    LARRY
          Isn’t this the place?

                    JEFF
          Yeah suite 2301, remember you
          gotta be nice to my mother.

                    LARRY
          Me I’m always nice she’s the one
          Who hates me.

Jeff opens the door and the both enter the room.

INT. JEFF’S MOMS CHARITY HEADQUATERS—DAY
                          
          Jeff’s mother is talking to a volunteer. Jeff
          and Larry enter the room. They walk over to
          her.

                              JEFF
                    Hi mom!
          
         Jeff kisses her on the cheek.

                              LARRY
                    Hi Mrs. Greene.

         She gives Larry an awful look.

                              JEFF
                    You remember Larry? He wants to
                    buy a raffle ticket.
                            
                              MR.S GREENE
                    Larry wants to buy a ticket.
          
                              LARRY
                    That’s right I am always giving to
                    charities.
                           
                              MRS. GREENE
                    Really, I didn’t know that... it
                    feels good to give to the less
                    fortunate.

                              LARRY
                    That’s what I always say; right
                    Jeff.
                  
                              JEFF
                    Yes mom he’s always saying that.

                              MRS. GREENE
                    So how many can I put you down
                    for?
                       
                              LARRY
                    For right now just one.

          She gives Larry another bad look.

                              LARRY
                    I have already given this year
                    to charity.

                              MRS.GREENE
                    Who have you given to? 

                              LARRY
                    G.L.A.A.D and the Human fund.

                              JEFF
                    He gives a lot.

                              MRS. GREENE
                    Alright hold on I’ll get you
                    ticket.

          She walks off to another room.

                              JEFF
                    Why didn’t you buy two tickets

                              LARRY
                    I didn’t want two tickets

          She comes back and gives Larry the tickets.

                              MRS. GREENE
                    Ok here’s your tickets... That’s 
                    $175.00

          Larry pulls out his wallet then pauses for a
          second.
                         
                              LARRY
                    How much?

                              MRS. GREENE
                    $175.00

          Larry looks at Jeff.

                              LARRY
                    That’s a bit expensive

                              MRS. GREENE
                    Yes, but think of the children;
                    and we are giving away a Hummer.

                              LARRY
                    Yes The Hummer.

          Larry hands her a $200, and she gives him the
          Tickets and his change.

                              LARRY
                    Thanks for the tickets.

                               MRS. GREENE
                    Thank you for the donation.
                         (BEAT)
                    Why don’t you two stick around the
                    drawing is in a few minutes
 
          Mrs. Greene’s Cellular phone starts to ring.
             
                              JEFF
                    Nah ma... We’re going to go.

          She start’s talking on the phone, and looks
          concerned.

                              MRS. GREENE
                    Hold on Jeff.

          She places the call on hold

                              JEFF
                    What?
                       
                               MRS. GREENE
                    Jeffrey, where’s your phone?
                    Susie’s been looking for you and 
                    Larry.

                              JEFF
                    I left it in the car, why—

                              MRS. GREENE
                    Cheryl is in the hospital.

                              LARRY
                    What my Cheryl?
                
                              MRS. GREENE
                    Yes.

          Mrs. Greene gets back on the phone.
                     
                              MRS. GREENE
                    They’re on their way!
          
         Larry and Jeff leave the office on their way
         to the Hospital.

         INT. CHERYL’S HOSPITAL ROOM—MID AFTERNOON
     
         Cheryl is in the bed with a cast on her ankle,
         and an orthopedic boot on her foot. She is 
         talking to Wanda and Susie; when Larry and
         Jeff enter the room.

                              LARRY
                    What’s going on? Are you alright?

          Jeff walks over and kisses Susie. And greets
          Wanda.
                      
                              CHERYL
                    I broke my ankle.
                       
                              LARRY
                    How’s it feeling now?

                              CHERYL
                    I’m alright now... they gave me
                    some pain killers.

          Jeff looks towards Wanda and Susie.

                              JEFF
                    What Happened?

                              SUSIE
                    We were playing tennis--

                              WANDA
                    Cheryl ran to the net and then
                    “boom” she hits The ground like a
                    ton of bricks.

          Larry looks at Cheryl.
                        
                              LARRY
                    Like a ton of bricks.

                              CHERYL
                    I guess.
                        
          Larry notices the blue orthopedic shoes
          Cheryl is wearing.          

                              LARRY
                    So, you got the blue shoe.

                              CHERYL
                    Larry, please I’m in pain.

                              LARRY
                    All the advances we’ve made in the
                    field of medicine they can’t do 
                    better than the blue shoe?
                  
                              CHERYL
                    Well, what would you like Larry?

          Mrs. Greene enters the hospital room.
                         
                              JEFF
                    Hi, mom

                              SUSIE
                    Hi ,ma

          Mrs. Green walks straight over to Cheryl.

                              MRS. GREENE
                    Oh, you poor thing how are you
                    feeling?

                              CHERYL
                    I’m fine, I’m just waiting to be
                    Released.

                               JEFF
                    Ma you came all the way over here
                    to see Cheryl. 
                  
                               WANDA
                         (SACASTACALLY)
                    Nobody introduces me to Ma, huh.

                               JEFF
                    Sorry... Ma this is Wanda

                               WANDA
                    Hello.

                               MRS. GREENE
                    Hi, Wanda.

                              LARRY
                    That’s nice of you to come down to
                    see Cheryl.

                              MRS. GREENE
                    I almost forgot I came to see you.
                    They just had the drawing for the
                    raffle; and you won! 

                              LARRY
                    What??? This is the first time I
                    won anything.
          
Cheryl has a confused look on her face.

                              CHERYL
                    What raffle?

                              JEFF
                    Umm...

                              LARRY
                    Well—

                              MRS. GREENE
                    Didn’t Larry tell you? He bought
                    a raffle ticket for my charity.

                              CHERYL
                    No, Larry didn’t mention it.
                
                              WANDA
                    I thought you didn’t give to 
                    charity Larry?

                              CHERYL
                    Yeah, Larry!
                               
                              WANDA
                    Was it because the
                    black man had a Cadillac. 

                              MRS. GREENE
                    Larry told me he gives to
                    charities all the time.

                              WANDA
                    Which charities do you give to 
                    Larry?

                              MRS. GREENE
                    He said G.L.A.A.D and the Human
                    Fund.

                              CHERYL
                    G.L.A.A.D?

                              LARRY
                    Among others.

                              WANDA
                    MMM..HMM.

                              LARRY
                    So when do I pick up the prize?

                              MRS. GREENE
                    Oh I forgot You have to be at my
                    office to verify the tickets by
                    5:15.

                              LARRY
                    Wait a minute it’s already 4:43

                              CHERYL
                    What is the prize?

                              LARRY
                    It’s a H3 like Arnold
                    Schwarzennger’s.

                              CHERYL
                    Oh that’s a nice car.

                              LARRY
                    I gotta go I’ll be back.

          Larry walks out the hospital room.

          EXT. WILSHIRE BLVD—5:10 PM
           
          We see Larry running towards Jeff’s Mother’s
          Building.

          INT. INT. JEFF’S MOTHER CHARITY OFFICE—5:14p

          Larry runs in the building looking at his
          watch. We can see that the time is 5:14 and
          30seconds. Larry runs towards the elevator.

                              LARRY
                         (To self)
                    I have 30 seconds... plenty of
                    time.

          Larry gets closer to that elevator.
                              LARRY
                         (To self)
                    I’m going to make. Just hold the
                    elevator.

          He almost reaches the elevator he only has 10
          seconds to go.
                              LARRY
                         (YELLING)
                    Hold the elevator!

          He gets in eye sight of the elevator and
          Sees the person holding it. It’s the 
          Cadillac driver from earlier. 
                 
                              LARRY
                          (YELLING)
                    No, Wait...

          The Pastor notices Larry and let’s his finger
          of the hold button of the elevator and the 
          door slowly close.

                                  THE END    
         
          FADE OUT:
          
          CREDITS