A family man struggling to keep his life from falling apart becomes obsessed with impending baldness.
Have you ever had one of those days? The job is stabbing you in the eyeballs, your child wants to stab you in the eyeballs and your spouse, who is so severely/constantly let down by you, can barely look you in the, um, eyeballs? These types of days have turned into years for salesman Ted Donovan.
But meaningless career and a challenging home life are nothing compared to his REAL problem: male pattern baldness.
James Barron’s “Hair” is a witty romp through a day in a suburban man’s life; a life beginning to fall apart – and fall out.
The story starts with confirmation from his physician – Ted’s hair or, unhair, doctor.
Mr. Donovan, have you been under
any undue stress lately? At work
Yeah, a bit. There’s been some
cutbacks. And I have a new boss.
And my wife’s pushing me for this
promotion when I’m barely hanging
on as is. Plus my daughter got
suspended recently. And I’ve been
feeling this shortness of breath.
Kind of like I’m hyperventilating.
Is there anything you can prescribe
For which part?
All of it.
I really only specialize with hair.
The problems mount at work, where Ted used to be an Amway selling “machine.” But now he’s locked in cold-call hell, unable to engage potential customers for more than greetings followed by dismal dial tones.
His much-younger boss – who happens to be his old boss’s son – doesn’t help matters, reminding Ted of better day’s gone by.
It’s been a little slow this month.
No worries. What’d my old man call you?
The machine. I remember you were a legend.
Still are. I know I can count on
You, Teddy. Or should I say machine?
Ted is fine.
Ted is not fine. In fact, this is a decisive turning point in his life. And he literally meets it head-on in the form of a nearly-fatal accident behind the wheel as he checks his hair in the mirror. Knocked unconscious, he dreams of his boss Neal, who tells him “you must make a statement…. a statement shall set you free.”
This free advice amounts to Ted’s moment of clarity, leading him to do the unthinkable. And so his journey to happiness begins anew, with wife and daughter in tow. And Amway and the old Ted in his rear-view mirror – for good.
Ted’s big adventure is a warm, charming “Office Space” meets “Horrible Bosses” meets Paul Giamatti. It’s an extremely low-budget film requiring just a few locations and handful of actors – one of which may need to be willing to shave a little off his ego to make the film a “growing” success.
Budget: Just a few locations and a handful of actors. We’re happy to say that’s all you need.
About the writer: James loves to write comedy and action along with the occasional horror short. You can reach him at jbarron021 (a) gmail.
Read Hair (19 pages in pdf format)
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This screenplay may not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
About the reviewer: Zack Zupke is a writer in Los Angeles. Zack was a latch-key kid whose best friend was a 19-inch color television. His early education (1st grade on) included watching countless hours of shows like “M*A*S*H,” “Star Trek” and “The Odd Couple” and movies like “The Godfather,” “Rocky” and “Annie Hall.” Flash forward to present day and his short “The Confession” was recently produced by Trident Technical College in Charleston, SC. He’s currently working on a futuristic hitman thriller with a partner and refining a dramedy pilot perfect for the likes of FX. You can reach Zack at zzupke (a) yahoo.