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THE WILLIE AND THE GRACE
EPISODE 1.2: "THE WILLIE AND THE GRACE AND THE MYSTERY OF THE
STOLEN SUBMARINE"
Created by
Tim McAleer & Graham Paschall
Story by
Tim McAleer & Graham Paschall
Teleplay by
Tim McAleer
SCENE 1
INT. - WILLIE'S HOUSE, DAY
THE WILLIE and THE GRACE are seen sitting near each other on
separate chairs.
They are watching television together, almost as old friends
would, but their conversation betrays their feelings about
one another:
THE GRACE
God dammit, can I have the remote
now? I've had enough of the Home
Improvement marathon.
WILLIE
No, it's my TV and I'll watch what
I want.
THE GRACE
You could at least watch something
that isn't a pile of crap.
WILLIE
Yeah, and as long as you're living
in my house you could refrain from
speaking ill of Tim Allen.
Beat.
WILLIE
(cont'd.)
Or JTT, for that matter.
THE GRACE
Fine.
(Under his breath)
You MacGyver-looking motherfucker.
Beat.
WILLIE
What?
CUT TO:
EXT. - CRAZY GERMAN NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE, DAY
We open on The CRAZY GERMAN NEIGHBOR, walking away from his
door and down a set of wooden steps.
We follow him past his stairs, through the front yard, and
out into the front of-
EXT. - WILLIE'S HOUSE, DAY -- CONTINUOUS
The CGN raises a fist to pound on the door of the small shed.
CUT TO:
INT. - WILLIE'S HOUSE, DAY
The Willie and The Grace are in the same positions we left
them in.
Their conversation continues:
WILLIE
What? Was that a 1992 reference?
Really cut me down with that one.
Hell, got any Joey Lawrence quotes
you want to throw at me? I mean,
could you --
The Willie is interrupted by a knocking at the door.
Instantly, The Grace puts a finger to The Willie's lips.
THE GRACE
(As he presses his fingers
to The Willie's face.)
Shhh... I heard a knocking.
Willie bats the finger away from his mouth.
WILLIE
Shit, it must be my landlord. You'd
better hide. My lease doesn't allow
me to have roommates.
The Willie stands up, walks to the door, and exits.
The Grace looks at the door for a second, shrugs, and picks
up the remote control from where The Willie had just been
sitting.
CUT TO:
EXT. - WILLIE'S HOUSE, DAY
The Willie opens the door, taking care to open it only wide
enough for him to slide out.
He immediately shuts the door behind him.
CGN
Hallo, Willie. I have some
questions for you regarding
visitors to ze house.
CUT TO:
INT. - WILLIE'S HOUSE, DAY
The Grace is up from his seat on the chair, and standing in
front of The Willie's fish tank.
He prods the glass with a large, comical smile on his face.
BACK TO:
EXT. - WILLIE'S HOUSE, DAY
WILLIE
(Acting nervous, his
speech begins to stutter)
Oh, that, see, I can explain that.
It was just a temporary sort of--
He is cut off by a sound of glass shattering inside his
house.
CGN
What was that?
The Willie is looking even more nervous now, pulling at his
collar with one finger in a comical fashion.
He wipes the back of his hand across his brow before
speaking.
WILLIE
It must have been, uh, musta been
my cat.
CGN
There are no pets allowed in your
house. This was in your lease.
WILLIE
It isn't. It's, uh, lost. So it's
not in my house. Where the fuck is
that damn cat?
CGN
Ah, poor kitty. Growing up, I had
pet ferret back in my hometown. I
loved the little bastard until the
day he was eaten by a horse. I got
revenge, though.
Let's just call it poetic justice
for a tough, stringy animal. I will
help you find your little bastard.
WILLIE
Thank you. You look over, uh, there
somewhere. I'll look inside. Take
your time.
CGN
Ja, since you are going inside,
could you care to bring me back
some pootie tang?
WILLIE
Pootie tang?
CGN
Ja, the drink the astronauts have
as they play golf on the moon. It
makes me feel important and tastes
like space travel.
WILLIE
Oh, you mean Tang.
CGN
Yes, and bring me some of your
delicious pootie tang.
The Crazy German Neighbor struts off behind the shack,
craning his neck to enjoy the scenery as a child would.
The Willie shakes his head with a confused and relieved look
on his face.
CUT TO:
INT. - WILLIE'S HOUSE, DAY
The Grace continues to stand in front of the fish tank,
almost mesmerized by the fish swimming inside.
The Willie enters through the door and seems surprised and
angry to see The Grace standing there.
WILLIE
What the hell was that noise?
THE GRACE
What noise? Oh, and what did the
Soup Nazi want?
WILLIE
Wow, another topical reference.
THE GRACE
(Angered.)
Hey! Seinfeld is timeless!
The Willie looks about to speak again, but is interrupted by
a second knocking at the door.
WILLIE
Christ, the dumb bastard's back.
All right, this time, sit down and
don't move until I get back. I
swear to God, if you make another
noise, I'm going to take a nine
iron to your ethereal skull.
The Grace, seemingly unaware of Willie's presence, goes back
to sitting in one of the recliners.
The Willie reaches for the doorknob, pauses, and makes a show
of turning the light switch off this time.
The room is plunged into darkness with the sole light coming
in through a window. He then proceeds to open the door, and
slide through.
The Grace is left sitting in the darkness.
THE GRACE
You motherfucker.
EXT. - WILLIE'S HOUSE, DAY
The Willie steps out of his door, unsurprised to find the
crazed German landlord standing there.
WILLIE
So, uh, you find my cat?
CGN
Your cat is not important. I had
come to tell you of the two
visitors to my house who asked to
see you.
WILLIE
(Relieved.)
Oh, you meant visitors to your
house.
CGN
Yes, and come with me and we shall
see them.
And do not worry about the pootie
tang. I have cupboards filled with
fresh pootie tang.
The Crazy German Neighbor turns around, walking back up the
steps leading to his house.
The Willie looks back at his home, and then reluctantly
begins to follow the CGN up the stairs.
CUT TO:
SCENE 2
INT. - CRAZY GERMAN NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE, DAY
COUNT LUSCIOUS and GRIM are seen sitting next to each other
on a couch in a sparsely decorated room.
This is the living room of the Crazy German Neighbor.
The two seem to be waiting anxiously for something. Count
Luscious looks at Grim in a disapproving manner.
LUSCIOUS
We are here to ask questions, not
to give answers. So shut your mouth
up and try not to be the useless
sack of fuck you usually are.
GRIM
Yes... Yes, sir. I apologize for
being a fuck.
The Crazy German Neighbor enters the room with The Willie
following behind.
CGN
You three make yourselves
comfortable. I'll be in the kitchen
making three cool drinks for three
cool dudes.
Crazy German Neighbor exits.
LUSCIOUS
Well, The Willie, I bet you are
wondering why you were summoned
here today.
WILLIE
No, I'm too busy worrying if I've
shown up in the proper attire.
(Looks over to Grim.)
What, was this a theme party?
Grim, who has been staring at his feet, willfully trying to
stay out of the conversation, looks up with a start.
He looks to Count Luscious with a frightened look on his
face, then turns it to The Willie.
He gives a quick head shake before snapping his head down to
resume staring at his feet.
LUSCIOUS
Please, leave Grim alone. We have
much to do and little time in which
to do it.
WILLIE
Hey, I've got all day. I think we
should settle things first: Now, I
thought Halloween was in October.
You guys seem to be telling me it's
December 23rd. Can we clear up this
little mix-up?
Again, Grim looks up, frightened look and all, and looks to
Count Luscious for help.
LUSCIOUS
All right, please, let us just
continue to the delicate matters at
hand.
WILLIE
No, wait, tell me, are we going for
a Pulp Fiction theme? I could go
fetch my sword and we could reenact
the basement scene with a little
help from your friend there.
Grim looks frightened still, unable to look away from The
Willie.
Count Luscious rises from his seat, shouting.
COUNT LUSCIOUS
(Yelling)
Tell me the location of the
renegade angel!
WILLIE
What? How did you and your gimp
looking friend here--
LUSCIOUS
(Shouting now.)
How dare you imply that my loyal
manservant here is a gimp, or
worse, my gimp? I could afford
myself a stable of gimps more
competent that Grim here!
Grim noticably winces at this comment.
LUSCIOUS
(cont'd.)
Your insolence will be noted, The
Willie!
The Crazy German Neighbor enters the room.
CGN
Who is in the mood for some
delicious Pootie Tang?
LUSCIOUS
You, The Willie! You will regret
our altercation. Come Grim!
GRIM
But, sir, the-- the tang!
Count Luscious raises one hand as if to strike Grim with the
back of his hand.
Grim stands and follows Count Luscious out of the room.
GRIM
(cont'd.)
Yes sir, sorry sir.
The pair exit.
WILLIE
I think I need to get out of here
as well.
The Willie exits, leaving the Crazy German Neighbor alone in
his own living room, smiling and seemingly oblivious to the
event that took place in his own home.
CGN
The joke is on them. More Pootie
Tang for me!
CUT TO:
SCENE 3
INT. - WILLIE'S HOUSE, DAY
The Willie enters his house where he sees The Grace waiting
in the dark.
WILLIE
Come on. We have to get out of
here as soon as possible.
THE GRACE
But why?
WILLIE
Because I believe your castmates
are looking for you, Mr. Rhames.
THE GRACE
For the last time, I am not Ving
Rhames!
WILLIE
(Disbelieving.)
Sure you aren't. But now we're
going to need a place to stay.
THE GRACE
Don't you know anyone who can help
us out?
WILLIE
Are you kidding me? I haven't left
the house since my girlfriend...
Greta... Left me.
THE GRACE
Well, how long has that been?
WILLIE
Six months.
THE GRACE
You must have left for some things.
How did you eat?
WILLIE
Delivery, mostly. And I had a cat
at one point. But I haven't left
the house since she left me.
Except, of course, for that day I
tried to hang myself.
And that time I found the magic
fortune-telling taco stand. Oh, and
the occasional haircut to keep
myself looking beautiful.
THE GRACE
Well, what about your barber?
WILLIE
One Eyed Jackson? I don't know
about that.
THE GRACE
Hey, what have we got to lose?
CUT TO:
EXT. - WILLIE'S HOUSE, DAY
The Willie and The Grace exit The Willie's house and approach
the car parked beside his shed-looking home.
The enter the vehicle, Willie on the driver's side, The Grace
in the passenger's seat.
Beat.
Several seconds pass. The doors open again and The Willie
and The Grace exit the car.
WILLIE
How was I supposed to know the car
was stick shift? I can't work that
thing.
THE GRACE
Well, let's get a-walkin'!
The pair begin their comical jogs off the screen and away
from the house.
SCENE 4
EXT. - ONE EYED JACKSON'S HOUSE, DAY
The two are seen approaching an average looking suburban
home.
The Willie walks up to the front door and knocks on it.
WILLIE
All right, now you just have to
remember one thing: she is very
sensitive to comments on her
disability.
THE GRACE
You have a she-barber? Ha. You
girl.
WILLIE
Just make sure you don't say
anything offensive.
THE GRACE
What, does she have an eye patch or
something? Those are cool.
WILLIE
Just--
The Willie is cut off by the door in front of him opening.
JACKSON
Oh my God, Willie, it's been so
long! It's so--
THE GRACE
Jesus Christ! That bitch has one
arm!
ONE EYED JACKSON is standing in the doorway, with both eyes
but only one arm and one dangling empty sleeve.
JACKSON
Oh yeah, the kids used to call me
'One Eye' when I was little because
I had such bad vision. And then I
lost the arm and it haunted me as a
tremendously ironic nickname.
THE GRACE
Damn! Bitch has one arm!
JACKSON
Come in, Willie, sit down.
(Looking at The Grace.)
You can stand.
CUT TO:
INT. - ONE EYED JACKSON'S HOUSE, DAY
The guys and the she-barber stand around One Eyed Jackson's
living room.
We join them in mid-conversation.
JACKSON
Oh yeah, sure guys. I've got a
spare bed upstairs you two can
share. And let the hilarious antics
ensue!
WILLIE
Hey, thanks a lot. Let me just give
out landlord a call so we can
straighten things out.
The Willie walks away and heads up a nearby set of stairs,
leaving The Grace and One Eyed Jackson alone.
THE GRACE
So, uh, how... are... things?
JACKSON
I've known you five minutes and I
hate you, you know that, right?
THE GRACE
Baby, just put your hands in mine
and we'll be alright. Oh yeah.
"Hands." That's kinda funny.
'Cause you've only got one. Ooh,
what an awkward faux pas that was.
CUT TO:
INT. - ONE EYED JACKSON'S HOUSE, UPPER FLOOR, DAY
The Willie is in a different room in One Eyed Jackson's home,
with a phone to his ear.
He starts dialing a number.
CUT TO:
INT. - CRAZY GERMAN NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE, DAY
The Crazy German Neighbor answers a ringing phone in his
kitchen.
CGN
Ja?
WILLIE
(V.O.)
Yeah, hey, uh, it's Willie here. I
just called to tell you that I'm
going on, uh, vacation starting
tonight, so, uh, I think I'll be
stopping by in the morning to pick
up my stuff.
There is silence as the Crazy German Neighbor stands with the
phone to his ear, seemingly waiting for something else from
The Willie.
WILLIE
(After several seconds of
silence.)
So, uh, I'll be seeing you in the
morning. Goodbye.
CGN
Ja?
WILLIE
Ja.
CGN
(Satisfied.)
Ja. Goodbye, The Willie.
The Crazy German Neighbor hangs up the phone and walks away.
Beat.
He comes back a second later, picks up the phone and dials a
new number.
He hears the phone ringing once before it immediately
switches to a busy tone.
He hangs up the phone and looks into the distance for a
moment.
CGN
(cont'd.)
I guess I have to go see God
himself.
The Crazy German Neighbor walks off the screen and struts
happily out of his house.
CUT TO:
INT. - HOUSE OF LUSCIOUS, DAY
We see Grim sitting on the edge of a bed, presumably his own,
with a telephone in his hand.
He has been curling the phone cord around his finger with a
sly grin on his face.
GRIM
Yeah? Yeah... Uh huh... Yeah...
Sure.... What? Me?... No, I
couldn't... If you insist... Well,
it's not much really.
Just, you know, leather pants, and
a dog collar... That's right. A
spiked collar.
Count luscious enters the room, and immediately begins
yelling.
LUSCIOUS
(shouting)
What are you doing? Put down that
phone! We have more important
things to do! We must go back to
God and ask his advice! We must
find that blasted angel!
CUT TO:
SCENE 5
EXT. - BLANK WALL, DAY
Count Luscious and Grim stand before a blank wall, the same
wall they stood before the last time they spoke to God.
LUSCIOUS
We have returned to seek your
wisdom! Show yourself!
GOD (V.O.)
Hey guys, good to see you again. So
tell me, you two get hitched yet?
LUSCIOUS
Sir, that is a ridiculous notion!
GOD
Come on guys, it's a new world, you
can be open now.
LUSCIOUS
Can we--
GOD
You know, I don't care what you
guys say. I love Mariah Carey. And
I still liked her even when I found
out she was black.
CUT TO:
EXT. - OUTDOOR PARK, DAY
The Crazy German Neighbor wanders aimlessly through a
children's park. He passes swing sets and slides and monkey
bars and pauses to stop and reminisce at each one.
He continues walking until he finds a bench and proceeds to
sit down. He folds his hands as if in prayer and starts
muttering to himself.
CGN
Dear God, if you can hear me,
please help me out. I'm desperately
in a time of need.
BACK TO:
EXT. - BLANK WALL, DAY
Count Luscious and Grim continue to stand in front of the
blank wall.
GOD (V.O.)
And another thing, I think we need
more ice cream trucks. I love that
little song they play as they drive
down the street. You ever hear that
song in the distance and try to
find it? Impossible!
LUSCIOUS
Enough! We have grave matters to
discuss!
GOD
Does this concern the angel?
LUSCIOUS
Him and his human pal have caught
on to us. We have reason to
believe that they have left their
home in an effort to hide from us.
We need you to help us find where
they are currently hiding.
GOD
(clearly not listeing to a word)
Yeah, that's interesting. Hey, do
you think you could hold on a
second? I've got call waiting.
Count Luscious fumes but says nothing. His grip on Grim's
leash tightens.
The gimp chokes lightly.
CUT TO:
EXT. - OUTDOOR PARK, DAY
The Crazy German Neighbor is still seated on the park bench.
Beat.
An awkward looking child walks by in front of him.
The boy stands there, staring at the Crazy German Neighbor
until he makes the German shift uncomfortably.
Unable to take his awkward stare anymore, he decides to say
something.
CGN
Uh, child, can I help you?
The sound of the German's voice makes the child look around
in confusion.
The boy looks up to the sky with interest when a voice comes
out of seemingly nowhere.
It is God's voice, and the child's mouth is not moving.
GOD (V.O.)
Sure ya can, you can tell me why
you called for me.
CGN
What? I do not understand. Who are
you?
BACK TO:
EXT. - BLANK WALL, DAY
Count Luscious and Grim remain standing in front of the wall,
but this time, they are looking at each other with confusion
on their faces.
GOD (V.O.)
It's your ol' buddy God. You called
me not too long ago.
LUSCIOUS
Uh, sir? Are you still with us?
There is a lengthy pause in which the evil pair share another
confused look.
GOD (V.O.)
Of course I come on command.
Haven't you ever tried asking
before?
GRIM
I don't think he can hear us.
LUSCIOUS
That much is obvious. And it seems
we are hearing God's half of a
conversation we are not entitled
to.
GRIM
But who is he talking to?
GOD (V.O.)
I can't talk to everybody. I came
'cause I liked your accent. Say
something funny sounding for me.
LUSCIOUS
I think I have a good idea.
CUT TO:
EXT. - OUTDOOR PARK, DAY
The Crazy German Neighbor remains sitting on the bench, but
is now joined by the awkward child sitting across from him.
He is nervously looking at the ground and never moves his
lips once.
GOD (V.O.)
Hilarious! Now say "Luke, I'm your
father."
CGN
Sir, I don't believe that was a
German accent.
GOD (V.O.)
I don't care about your Norwegian
accent. I just wanna hear me a
funny phrase.
CGN
I need some answers, God.
GOD (V.O.)
Just ask.
CGN
I am feeling very conflicted. I
have information that I should keep
to myself, but I could make myself
a profit if I give it away to some
very bad men.
GOD (V.O.)
Yeah, keep talking. I like the
sound of your voice.
CGN
Well, it is regarding my tenant,
Willie. I think he is in trouble
and if I rat him out, he might be
in real danger.
GOD (V.O.)
Well, I think you should help out
your friend, this Willie character.
As long as you can keep your morals
intact and everybody you care about
safe, then everything is right.
CGN
Wow, God. That was really
insightful.
GOD (V.O.)
Hey, I gotta go now. I got me a
couple of douche bags I gotta blow
off. I'm gonna skit-skat outta
here.
CGN
Well, thank you God. Goodbye, great
deity of the skies.
The Crazy German Neighbor stands up from his seat and walks
away.
The awkward child continues sitting at the bench, his eyes
apparently lost studying the palm of his hand.
BACK TO:
EXT. - BLANK WALL, DAY
We come back once again to Luscious and Grim.
God has re-joined their conversation.
GOD (V.O.)
Guys, I don't think I can talk
right now. I've got a pinball
machine that's just screaming my
name.
LUSCIOUS
All right, God. We solved our big
problem anyway.
GOD
Good. Great. I'm happy for you. Now
I'm gonna go jerk off.
As God fades away from the wall, his voice echoes.
Count Luscious and Grim walk away from the wall and begin to
talk amongst themselves.
GRIM
What shall we do now, Count?
LUSCIOUS
We will find that German fool. He
will not outwit us. Starting
tomorrow, we shall follow him and
discover where he may lead us.
GRIM
But sir, why can we not start
tonight?
LUSCIOUS
Have you forgotten, idiot? Tonight
we see a much higher power.
SCENE 6
I/E. - MONTAGE, FALLING IN LOVE
The Willie and One Eyed Jackson are together for a long
montage scene playing to the tune of "Some Kind of
Wonderful."
The scene includes, in order:
The Willie and One Eyed Jackson are standing in a bathroom
together. The Willie zips up his pants and starts to walk
away, before One Eyed Jackson stops him to wag her one finger
at him.
The Willie turns around, puts the toilet seat down, and they
walk out of the bathroom together.
CUT TO:
The Willie is plays Grand Theft Auto as One Eyed Jackson
stands behind him.
Willie turns around, catches One Eyed Jackson's eye, and they
start laughing together.
CUT TO:
A car, driven by Willie, creates circles in the middle of the
a street as One Eyed Jackson stands on the side of the road,
clapping.
CUT TO:
The same car, with Willie driving and Jackson in shotgun,
pulls up to a darkened street corner.
A hooker awaits.
Willie stops the car and Jackson reaches into her purse for
money.
CUT TO:
Willie, with orgasmic delight plastered on his face, engages
in sex with the hooker on a bed.
Jackson watches.
The Willie, now finished, stands.
One Eyed Jackson is behind him with a big smile on her face,
holding an axe. She swings the axe down into the hooker's
skull, having blood splatter across her own face.
The two new lovers laugh.
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
INT. - WILLIE'S HOUSE, DAY
Willie, with One-Eyed cradled in his arms on the couch,
watches television.
From outside the front door, there is a knock.
Willie rises to answer. As he opens the door, we reveal:
GRETA, Willie's ex.
The girl begins to talk incoherently, without pausing.
The Willie turns around to look behind him. One Eyed Jackson,
now inexplicably holding a handgun, tosses the weapon to
Willie.
He lifts the handgun and blasts Greta in her face, blood
splattering against the doorway in which she stands.
CUT TO:
INT. - ONE EYED JACKSON'S HOUSE, NIGHT
The Willie and One Eyed Jackson are laying together in a twin
bed in what is apparently One Eyed Jackson's filthy bedroom.
The Willie wakes with his start, screaming.
ONE EYED JACKSON
What? What's wrong, Willie?
WILLIE
Oh, it was just the dream I had. I
dreamt I had killed Greta, and you
helped me do it.
JACKSON
Calm down, Willie, it was all just
a dream.
WILLIE
Oh, good. I guess that means we
didn't really kill that hooker,
then.
JACKSON
Oh, well, you didn't dream all of
that.
The camera pans across the room to where a second bed stands
along the opposite wall.
In the second bed, The Grace lays cuddling the blood-stained
hooker.
THE GRACE
(Whispering.)
You'll never leave me.
CUT TO:
SCENE 7
EXT. - WILLIE'S HOUSE, DAY
It is a bright, sunny day as The Willie, The Grace, and One
Eyed Jackson approach Willie's home.
WILLIE
All right, guys. We're only here to
pick up whatever stuff we'll need
to stay with One Eyed Jackson for a
lengthy period of time. Grace,
you're in charge of clothing. Go
grab something for me and, uh,
actually, I've never seen you wear
anything other than that robe. So,
get my clothes, and, uh, get a hat
or something for yourself.
THE GRACE
You'll let me have a hat, Willie?
WILLIE
For now. One Eyed Jackson, you raid
my kitchen for foodstuffs. If it's
boxed or canned, grab it. That
stuff will last. If it's fresh,
we'll eat what we can while we're
here.
JACKSON
Sounds good.
WILLIE
I'll be in charge of entertainment.
I'll grab my Game Boy, so we never
get bored.
THE GRACE
That seems--
WILLIE
All right, team, let's go.
The Willie walks into his house, leaving The Grace and One
Eyed Jackson alone outside.
THE GRACE
Well, it looks like we're--
One Eyed Jackson gives The Grace one disgusted look, then
walks inside before letting him finish.
The Grace is alone outside of The Willie's house. He makes an
angry face and mutters to himself.
THE GRACE
You motherfuckers.
Grace moves off-camera as well.
Beat.
And we zoom forward, were we see Luscious and Grim standing
just few house down, watching.
INT. - WILLIE'S HOUSE, DAY
Inside the house, The Willie starts to give his two partners
a pep talk.
WILLIE
All right, the kitchen is up the
flight of stairs. The Grace, you
know where my closet is. Make sure
you grab a sweatshirt. It may get
chilly. My Game Boy is right here.
I'll wait here for you two to
return.
Before the two can say anything, the Crazy German Neighbor
enters the room.
CGN
Mr. Willy, I have important
information for you.
WILLIE
You're not supposed to be in my
house.
CGN
We have more important things to
discuss than your "private space."
WILLIE
Like what?
CGN
Let us not begin like this. You,
the robed fellow, go to the kitchen
and make us all some delicious
Pootie Tang.
JACKSON
Hey, the kitchen is my territory.
CGN
Sorry, sweetheart. I thought you
American women were liberated. I am
more comfortable having you service
me anyway.
LUSCIOUS (V.O.)
No one will be servicing anyone!
Not while I am around!
Count Luscious enters the room, holding Grim by his leash.
The gimp holds a gun pointed at the crowd of Super Friends
gathered together.
LUSCIOUS
(cont'd.)
Yes, it is I, Count Luscious, and
you, The Willie, will regret having
insulted me earlier. Grim, threaten
the German.
Grim turns to point the gun at the Crazy German Neighbor.
LUSCIOUS
(cont'd.)
You, also, will suffer for having
plotted to betray me. You could
have lived well if you had worked
for me instead of against me and we
could have lived together in
riches.
WILLIE
That is if you could stand to leave
your gimp friend there.
THE GRACE
Damn! What a slam!
Count Luscious gestures towards The Grace and The Grace
follows his gesture with the gun.
LUSCIOUS
You, The Grace, you shall be
spared. We have much bigger plans
for you. The rest of you will be
killed.
The group of four all stand with scared looks on their faces.
One Eyed Jackson starts talking aloud, with her head bowed to
the ground.
JACKSON
(Softly.)
Am I allowed one wish before I am
to die?
LUSCIOUS
You may have one request before you
are killed. But only because you
are so adorable, child.
JACKSON
I wasn't talking to you, you
bastard. I was asking God.
LUSCIOUS
(shocked)
He's here?
Count Luscious turns around, looking to see if God is in some
form behind him.
Holding Grim's leash in his hand, his sudden movement jerks
Grim's collar.
The gimp, being caught off guard, is knocked off balance and
drops his handgun to the ground.
The Grace, seeing his opportunity, picks the gun off the
ground and points it at Grim's head.
THE GRACE
Why shouldn't I? Tell me!
JACKSON
Come on guys! Can't we put our
differences aside? It's Christmas
Eve! Let's forgive and forget and
feast together.
The Grace, upon hearing this, grimaces and holds the gun
closer to Grim's head.
Beat.
The anger on The Grace's face drops, and he lets down the
gun. Still looking intently at Grim, he gives him a wide hug.
The Willie, shocked at this turn of events, stares blankly at
the two hugging.
He turns to look at Count Luscious, who shares the same
mystified look.
The Willie shrugs and gives Count Luscious a great big hug.
LUSCIOUS
Just this once, The Willie. For
Christmas.
One Eyed Jackson and the Crazy German Neighbor look at each
other and, joining in with the rest of the gang, share a
tremendous hug.
The Crazy German Neighbor gives the screen a huge thumbs up,
on which the screen freezes as the scene fades out.
FADE TO:
SCENE 8
I/E. - MONTAGE, CHRISTMAS DINNER
Christmas music plays over an otherwise silent montage of a
delicious Christmas dinner being eaten by The Willie, The
Grace, One Eyed Jackson, Crazy German Neighbor, Count
Luscious, and Grim.
They all have overly large smiles on and there are several
shots of people passing giant bowls of food to each other.
The scene ends with all the characters wishing each other a
very merry Christmas:
WILLIE
Merry Christmas, The Grace.
THE GRACE
Merry Christmas, One Eyed Jackson.
JACKSON
Merry Christmas, Crazy German
Neighbor.
CGN
Merry Christmas, Crazy Pigeon Lady.
CRAZY PIGEON LADY.
Merry Christmas, Kevin.
GRIM
Merry Christmas, Count Luscious.
COUNT LUSCIOUS
Merry Christmas, The Willie.
(After a pause.)
But next time I'll fucking gut you.
CUT TO:
END.
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