THE VACATIONERS
                                                                                                 by
                                                                         Travis Adams & Wesley James

Opening Credits
                        
Fade in:

EXT . ISLA CORNA - DAY

TRAVIS is sitting down in a chaise lounge holding a wine glass.  His abnormally large daughter, ELAINE, is skipping around in circles,like any other energetic little girl.  His wife, NELLIE, a tall and skinny English-looking blonde woman who has so many surprises packed in,is fixing a BIG MAC for their daughter.

                                                                                       NELLIE
                                               
(English Accent)
                                                                        Come, darling.  Lunch is ready!
          
                                                                                       ELAINE
                                                                                          Yes!

She discontinues her skipping and runs as fast as she can (which can't be that fast) to her mother to get the Mickey D's sandwich.

                                                                                       NELLIE
                                                                              Don't eat to fast now.

                                                                                       ELAINE
                                                                                     Yes, mother.

                                                                                       TRAVIS
                                                 For God's sake stop talking in that idiotic English accent!

NELLIE's English accent has mysteriously changed into a Brooklyn accent.

                                                                                       NELLIE
                                                                                   Get outta here!

                                                                                       TRAVIS
                                                                                 That's more like it.

ELAINE begins to skip around.  After a couple circles around she heads for the JUNGLE.  This is one crazy girl!

                                                                                       NELLIE
                                                                          (To ELAINE)
                                                                        Now don't go far now ya hear?

                                                                                       ELAINE
                                                                                     Yes, mother.

                                                                                       TRAVIS
                                                                                         HEY!!!

His voice has shifted from a solid, loud gear 5 to a silent, quite neutral voice. 

                                                                                       TRAVIS
                                                                            (CONT ' D)
                                                                          Leave her alone,por favor. 

                                                                                       NELLIE
                                                         Yeah,whatever.Listen, I'm gonna go set up the tent.

She grabs the TENT and heads for the JUNGLE.

                                                                                       TRAVIS
                                                                            Oh,don't forget this one.
      
He grabs an adidas bag and tosses it to NELLIE.

                                                                                       TRAVIS
                                                                            (CONT ' D)
                                                                                  It'll keep ya safe.

                                                                                       NELLIE
                                                                                      Yeah,right.
 
                                                                                       TRAVIS
                                                                         (Under breath)
                                                                                          Bitch.

NELLIE has reached the beginning of the jungle as she notices a FRUIT TREE. She stops, sets the bag and tent down and picks a fruit. An unexpected alligator throws his snout out of the jungle and takes a snap at NELLIE's foot. He's got it! NELLIE is now screaming like a bad actress as Mr. Gator tugs at her foot,causing her to fall down.TRAVIS is too busy being distracted by his HUSTLER mag. to hear NELLIE's cries. She continues to kick and scream.

                                                                                       NELLIE
                                                                                  Get off of me!
     
NELLIE opens the adidas bag her husband had tossed her earlier. She digs around the bag and finds a knife. She carelessly stabs the Alligator in the back, neck, head, ect. The alligator isn't affected by the dull and rusty blade. She continues to dig in the bag as she fortunatley beholds an aluminum baseball bat.  It's not hard to understand she's going to hit him in the head with it. She does. Numerously hitting him on the head with maximum power is still no challenge for the evil lizard. She gets her desperate hands back into the bag to find something more action-wised.
She finds a 9mm gun. 
         
                                                                                       NELLIE
                                                                                        Finally!

NELLIE shoots him in the head only a few times to find out that he is once again not affected.As a matter of fact,he is. It's made him EXTREMLEY PISSED OFF! In that case he shows her. He tugs harder and harder.

                                                                                       NELLIE
                                                                                      Please die!

                                                                                       TRAVIS
                                                                         (To NELLIE)
                                                                         Don't talk to me that way,dear.

She pops a few more into the Gator's ass but finds out he is NOT AFFECTED.

NELLIE tries to find something deadly. She finds a machine gun.

                                                                                       NELLIE
                                                                    Where the hell does he get this shit?

Putting this question to the back of her mind,she fires it in the Gators face trying to raise hell.
THIS LIZ WON'T DIE! NELLIE gives up, tosses the gun out of the way and let's the spawn of Satan drag her into his green swamp of HELL.

TRAVIS ,in wonderland, finally takes his first sip of his beverage and barely gags trying to rush it down. He stands up and walks toward a small bar next to an opening of the jungle. He spits the remaining liquid into another customers glass and tries to look macho.

                                                                                      DRINKER
                                                                                           Dick.

                                                                                        TRAVIS
                                                                  (To BARTENDER)
                                                                 What in the swedish meatballs was that?

                                                                                    BARTENDER
                                                                                --A Mountain Dew.

                                                                                        TRAVIS
                                                                   Oh,well,get me a root beer this time 
                                                                                and put the rush on it.

The BARTENDER holds out his hand.

                                                                                     BARTENDER
                                                                                         Fifty cents.

TRAVIS hands him a couple quarters. The BARTENDER jumps onto the counter then slides off to TRAVIS's side. He walks over to the far right corner of the bar and puts the 2 quarters in a Coke machine,chooses a Barks root beer and retrieves it from the machine. He walks back, jumps onto the counter and then slides back to his working side.  He sluggishly hands TRAVIS his root beer.

                                                                                          TRAVIS
                                                                                      (Snotty)
                                                                                 Thanks--GILLIGAN.

He walks back to his chaise lounge, lays down and takes a drink of his root beer.
The drink is enjoyable, considering why he has a big smile on his face.

The smile has turned into an open mouth,making it possible for him to gasp as he see's something coming out of the ocean. Curves are revealed as a hott supermodel slowly shifts her head out of the ocean water and slings her hair back,as in a James Bond movie. To get the mood in,Jamed Bond music plays. The hott supermodel makes her way out of the ocean as she slowly and sexy walks toward TRAVIS. His mouth is wide open, practically touching the sand while he awaits for her in shock. During this fantastic dream, a mini cloud makes it's way over TRAVIS's root beer, sucks it dry, and then the heavy "rain" cloud floats away. The supermodel is still walking slowly until she is about halfway to TRAVIS,then she trips over a sand castle. We can hear a turn table scratch,taking the mood away. The supermodel shakes her head to stay "loose" then starts walking slowly and sexy. The James Bond-type music finds its way back to play to shift the mood back. The supermodel has reached TRAVIS,who still has an open mouth.

                                                                                        SUPERMODEL
                                                                       Are you having your dream vacation yet?

                                                                                             TRAVIS
                                                                                        Uhhhhhhhhhhh...

TRAVIS  clears his throat so he can sound strong and manly.

                                                                                              TRAVIS
                                                                                   (CONT ' D)
                                                                                              Yeaaaah.
                                                                                         
                                                                                         SUPERMODEL
                                                                                Oh yeah? Well it's not over yet.

She gives him a tiny wink to let him know she likes to get dirty.

                                                                                              TRAVIS
                                                                                                   Ok.

The hott supermodel tries to kiss him but is alarmed from a beastly growl,coming from the jungle. On the other hand,TRAVIS is still posing for his kiss,eyes closed.

                                                                                          SUPERMODEL
                                                                                           What was that?

                                                                                               TRAVIS
                                                                                          What was what?
                              
                                                                                          SUPERMODEL
                                                                                    That noise. From the jungle.

                                                                                                TRAVIS
                                                                       No,you're probably just doped up on Ecstasy.      
                                                                       Trust me, judging by your looks,you probably                                                  
                                                                       get a LOT of roofies.

                                                                                          SUPERMODEL
                                                                                  I think you should go check.

He's frustrated by the way this "Dream Vacation" is going so far.

                                                                                                 TRAVIS
                                                                                                   FINE!

He quickly walks into the jungle,stomping every step.  He eventually stumbles upon a large triangle of sand with no footprints, bugs, trees, plants, nothing. It's a perfect triangle. Maybe if he looks in the strange triangle he'll find the thing that made the growl.

                                                                                                 TRAVIS
                                                                              Heeeeeeere kittie,kittie,kittie,kittie!

There is no response to TRAVIS' call.

                                                                                                 TRAVIS
                                                                                    She is definatley on dope.

He turns around to go back to the supermodel but cannot do so because he is now face to face with an Emu. TRAVIS smiles at the deadly bird then takes off in the opposite direction. Dodging any obstacle that gets in his way, TRAVIS is running for his life, making twists and turns everywhere,eventually leading himself back to the hott supermodel. He has lost the emu.

                                                                                                  TRAVIS
                                                                                   (Out of breath)
                                                                  There--was a--biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig parrot back there!
           
The supermodel's voice has now turned into a guy's voice. Maybe TRAVIS is the one that's doped up on XTC.

                                                                                             SUPERMODEL

(man’s voice)
                                                                                What are you talking about Travis?

TRAVIS makes a short scream. It's a dream.

EXT.  CONSTRUCTION SITE  -  NOON

WES is shaking TRAVIS' shoulder trying to wake him up from his dream.
 
                                                                                                     WES 
                                                                                     Hey,Travis--wake up,Trav.

TRAVIS groans. Why? Because that's how they always do it in movies.

                                                                                                   TRAVIS
                                                                                    (Still dreaming)
                                                                       Just shutup and kiss me, it’s not your voice that turns me on.

WES is confused and sicken out. He punches TRAVIS in the face to wake him up. TRAVIS falls out of his chair from the blow.

                                                                                                    TRAVIS
                                                                         Ow! Where did you learn how to pucker up?

TRAVIS opens his eyes and sees WES sitting in a chair above his eyes.

                                                                                                     TRAVIS
                                                                                           Aw damn! I just kissed you!

The other co-workers stop eating their lunch and all stare at WES and TRAVIS.

                                                                                                        WES

(beat)
                                                                       Haha,he was just talking about his pickle slices.                 
                                                                       Boy does he love 'em.

The co-workers get back to their eating an chatting. TRAVIS rubs his face to heal the throbbing.

                                                                                                         WES
                                                                  I didn't kiss you dude,you were dreaming. The only     
                                                                  way you kissed me is if that dream was nightmare--
                                                                  unless there are a few things I don't know about                                        
                                                                  you.

                                                                                                      TRAVIS
                                                                                    --Man I was havin' a nightmare and    
                                                                                       NOOOOOOO you weren't in it.

                                                                                                        WES
                                                                                              Wow, I'm flattered.

WES's sarcasm has turns into realism.

                                                                                                        WES
                                                                                           Hey,wait. I AM flattered.

                                                                                                     TRAVIS
                                                                                                     Yeeeeah.

                                                                                                        WES
                                                                                  Anyway,what was your dream about?

                                                                                                     TRAVIS
                                                                                 Dude, it was messed up. It was sorta half          
                                                                                 and half between a dream and a        
                                                                                 nightmare. But anyways, I was on this 
                                                                                 island drinking a root beer,and a hott
                                                                                 supermodel came out of the ocean and
                                                                                 almost made out with me.

                                                                                                       WES

(sarcastically)
                                                                                           --Wow that IS bad.

                                                                                                     TRAVIS
                                                                                 That's the good part. You see,before I
                                                                                 had a root beer,I had a Mountain Dew...
                                                                                 a bad one.

                                                                                                       WES
(alarmed)                                                                                                    What?!

WES is breathing real hard as if he had just drank 10 cups of caffeinated coffee.

                                                                                                    TRAVIS
                                                                                                       Yep.

                                                                                                      WES
                                                                                 What kind of sick bastard are you?!

                                                                                                    TRAVIS
                                                                                   Me? It was the bartenders fault!

                                                                                                       WES
                                                                                            It was all in your head!

                                                                                                    TRAVIS
                                                                              Biiiiiig doubt! It seemed to real to be a
                                                                             dreammare.

                                                                                                      WES
                                                                                                    A what?

                                                                                                    TRAVIS
                                                                                      A dreammare,you know,a dream and 
                                                                                      a nightmare blended together. I mean           
                                                                                      everything was real,man. The touch
                                                                                      the sound, the taste. I mean,maybe I
                                                                                      was teleported to an Island while I 
                                                                                      was sleeping. My wife got eaten by
                                                                                      an alligator!

                                                                                                      WES
                                                                                                 You're single.

                                                                                                    TRAVIS 
                                                                                       Oh yeah. But I almost made out with
                                                                                       a supermodel!

                                                                                                      WES
                                                                                                   You smell.

                                                                                                    TRAVIS
                                                                                        Right. But I drank a bad mountain  
                                                                                        Dew!

TRAVIS and WES both stare at each other.

                                                                                                 TOGETHER
                                                                                                  Impossible.

                                                                                                   TRAVIS
                                                                                         But my daughter got eaten by a 
                                                                                         giant rooster.

                                                                                                     WES
                                                                                       You don't have a daughter.

                                                                                                   TRAVIS
                                                                                 Yeah, I know, I made that up. But 
                                                                                  my dog choked on tapioca!
                      
                                                                                                     WES
                                                                                              Give it up,Trav.

                                                                                                  TRAVIS
                                                                                   I made that up too. Wes, why are 
                                                                                   you always right?

                                                                                                    WES
                                                                                            I don't know. But hey--let me 
                                                                                            treat you to a nice mike's hard 
                                                                                            lemonade.

TRAVIS gives out a small little chuckle.

                                                                                                  TRAVIS
                                                                                            Now you're talkin'.

They both stand up and walk toward TRAVIS' 1964 Chevy Impala.

CUT - TO . INT . BAR - DAY

WES takes a drink of his hard lemonade, TRAVIS stares forward while resting his head on his fist.

We hear a BARTENDER yell to TRAVIS offscreen.

                                                                                              BARTENDER 
                                                                                                   (Off)
                                                                                       Here's your Mike's hard         
                                                                                       lemonade!

We see a bottled lemonade slide down the bar as it slides past TRAVIS, who still manages to grab it with his distant arm. He takes a drink,continues to stare forward. WES looks at his friend curiously.

                                                                                                      WES
                                                                                Hey,Trav,they're giving away free Big-
                                                                                Mac's at Mcdonald's. Wanna go?

                                                                                                   TRAVIS
                                                                                                Tst. Big Mac.

                                                                                                     WES
                                                                                 Well,there's a ball game startin' in about
                                                                                 a half an hour. Will that cheer ya up?

                                                                                                  TRAVIS
                                                                                              Probably not.

TRAVIS continues to stare into open space.

                                                                                                      WES
                                                                                  Hey,there's a new Shannon Elizabeth
                                                                                  movie out.

                                                                                                   TRAVIS
                                                                                                   There is!?

WES

...no.

TRAVIS

Oh.

He begins to stare forward again.

WES

Come on, dude. Don’t let what I
said get to ya.

TRAVIS

Hahahahaha! Like your words would
mean anything to me. I just wish
that mutated parrot from hell would
have let that supermodel get jiggy
with me. But thanks,dude, I needed
a good laugh.

WES

Oh, gee, I’m glad YOU feel better.

TRAVIS

Thanks, pal, hahaha! Listening to you.
Yeah right.

WES shakes his head, lights up a cigarette.

WES

You know what we need?

TRAVIS

What?

WES

A vacation. Now I’m not talking about 
any vacation, I mean an awesome vacation.
A place that’s hot. A place that’s got 
hott food and hott bitches.

TRAVIS

Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. A vacation
is exactly what we need!

WES

Of course it is. 
(flipping through his wallet)
I got about...7 bucks. How much money
do you got?

TRAVIS

Well, if you add up the money I 
spent on that party you forced me
to have, on beer, food, electricity,
weed, bed springs. I would say about
minus $950.

WES
Ha HA!

TRAVIS
Yeeeeeeeeeeeah, funny funny funny.

He looks down at his watch.

TRAVIS
What’s really funny is what you’re
gonna do when you find out our lunch
break was over 45 minutes ago.

WES

(shocked)

Well FUCK this shit man! Why
did I have to get you to go to this
gay ass bar, dude!?!?

Everybody in the bar, especially the bartender, is in shock of WES’ outburst.

WES

Damn.

EXT . BAR WINDOW - DAY

WES and TRAVIS is thrown through the bar’s glass window, landing on the sidewalk. TRAVIS’ feet accidentley kicks a hobo in the nuts.

The hobo falls to his knee’s in unexplainable pain, holding his nut sack.

HOBO

Oh, jesus, take me now, lord!

TRAVIS

Sorry.

TRAVIS gets out his wallet and pulls out a wad of monopoly money and throws it at the hobo’s chest.

TRAVIS

Here. Whatever you do, don’t buy
a hard lemonade in that bar.

TRAVIS and WES jump into the IMPALA. TRAVIS starts the engine.

The BARTENDER and the customers of his bar rush out the bar with various types of guns.

The BARTENDER points at TRAVIS’ IMPALA.

BARTENDER

There they are! Get them!

TRAVIS speeds away as the BARTENDER and his gang shoot numerous rounds of ammo at them, blowing lights off the car.

INT . TRAVIS’ IMPALA - DAY

TRAVIS

Well, this isn’t going very well.

WES

No shit! We’re late for work and 
we just about got our asses shot up!
We’re so toast, dude!

TRAVIS 

We aren’t toast, man, we’re just
a little late.

WES

Just a little late? 5 minutes is just
a little late. 10 minutes is just a little
late. 45 minutes is NOT just a little late!

TRAVIS 

It is if you’re going to a wedding.

They pull up to a stop light, causing travis to slam on his breaks.

WES 

Man, you’re gonna get us killed.

TRAVIS

No I’m not, man, I’m a very skilled
driver. I could drive down the busiest
highway in the city, blindfolded with
a mob in a van behind us shooting
ammo at us with no problem.

A van with the mob of alcoholics and BARTENDER pull up behind them. The BARTENDER honks the horn.

TRAVIS and WES look behind them and see the mob.

TRAVIS 

Oh shit!

He pulls out into the rumbling traffic, turning horizontally to go the same direction. The van follows them.

TRAVIS

Look what the hell you’ve done to 
us, holmes!

Various people in the van stick their heads out the window and start shooting more rounds of ammo at them.

WES

DAMN! DAMN! DAAAAAAAAAMN!

EXT . HIGHWAY - DAY

TRAVIS’ impala weaves through the traffic.

The van filled with gun-happy alcoholics follows closely behind them, still shooting ammo at them.

INT . TRAVIS’ IMPALA - DAY

WES

O Lord, please don’t let us die so
soon, we’re too young to die!

TRAVIS

God ain’t gonna help us with this!
We got ourselves in so we gotta get
ourselves out!

WES

Hey, I got an idea! Maybe he’ll help
us if we cry louder in a different 
language!
(beat)
SQUEEL!

Wes starts to squeel like a hog.

TRAVIS
Wha-what are you doing?

WES
Squeeling! Come on! SQUEEL!

TRAVIS joins in on squeeling, but isn’t exactly into it as much.

WES
Come on, do it like you mean it,
do it like the wind, do it like 
you’re doggy stylin’ a bitch.

TRAVIS wails his squeeling skills.

EXT . HIGHWAY - DAY

The IMPALA drives through a 3-way intersection, the van on their tail, cutting off cars. 

TRAVIS pulls up to a billboard and slams on the breaks to keep from hitting a dog.

The van stops to the side of them.

TRAVIS and WES see the van and duck quickly.

The ALCOHOLICS start shooting in bloody murder, busting the windows in the IMPALA and blowing holes in the billboard.

TRAVIS
SQUEEL LOUDER!

They both squeel on the top of their lungs.

GUNSHOTS stop.

TRAVIS and WES both stick their heads up, both with pig masks on, and look at the billboard.

CLOSE-UP

of billboard

The holes from the gunshots spell out the word “DIE!”.

TRAVIS speeds away, the van behind them.

INT . TRAVIS’ IMPALA - DAY

TRAVIS and WES no longer have the pig masks on.

TRAVIS
You know, I read on a website about
Indians that they smoked pot to raise
their senses and instincts. So, why don’t
you break some out and we get baked.

A beat.

WES staring at TRAVIS.

TRAVIS
What?

WES
You didn’t read that shit about
Indians you dumbass.

TRAVIS
What makes you say that?

WES
You don’t read, plus, you only
use your computer for porno.

TRAVIS
Yeah, I know, I made that up. But
I still wanna get baked.

WES
Alright.

WES digs in his pockets and pulls out a blunt and a lighter.

He lights it up, takes a couple hits, passes it to TRAVIS who takes a giant hit.

INT . BARTENDERS VAN - DAY

BARTENDER’S POV 

of the IMPALA in front of them.

We can see a large cloud of smoke inside.

The windows roll down and the cloud of smoke flys out.

BARTENDER
What-the-hell?

PASSENGER
Their taking some illegal action.

BARTENDER
What dumbasses, who the hell would
do something so stupid and ILLEGAL.

He pulls out a machine gun and starts shooting at the IMPALA.

INT . TRAVIS’ IMPALA - DAY

TRAVIS and WES are both laughing their heads off their neck, eyes bloodshot, hair standing on end.

WES
Dude, I never thought I could have
so much fun getting shot at!

TRAVIS
Me either, man! Turn on some music!

WES scrambles through radio stations, finding one playing loud rap/hip hop.

They both bob their heads to the beat.

INT . BARTENDER’S VAN - DAY

BARTENDER
Is this some kinda party or something?
Damn.

EXT . HIGHWAY - DAY

The impala stops at a red light, next to a police car.

The van stops behind TRAVIS.

INT . TRAVIS’ IMPALA - DAY

WES
Oh shit!

INT . BARTENDER’S VAN - DAY

BARTENDER
Oh shit!

INT . TRAVIS’ IMPALA - DAY

WES pulls a cord from the top of his window and a set of BLINDS rolls down.

INT . BARTENDER’S VAN - DAY

BARTENDER
GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!

The alcoholics jump out of the van, carrying tons of supplies.

EXT . HIGHWAY - DAY

CLOSE-UP

of stopligh turning green.

INT . POLICE CAR - DAY

DRIVER’S POV

out the window.

TRAVIS’s impala drives away.

The BARTENDER’s van slowly drives pass, all the alcoholics with cheesy smiles on their faces.

On the side of the van is a big red banner that says “Save the whales!”

	CUT TO:

EXT . CONSTRUCTION SITE - DAY

TRAVIS’ impala pulls up with more smoke flowing out the windows.

The car goes forward a little then

SLAM on the brakes.

The car goes a little more forward then

SLAM on the brakes.

The car goes back a little, throwing the left rear tire onto the sidewalk then 

SLAM on the brakes.

INT . TRAVIS’ IMPALA - DAY

WES tries to step out of the vehicle, but is stopped by his SEATBELT!

WES
Oh yeah, I better take that
off shouldn’t I!?

TRAVIS giggles.

EXT . CONSTRUCTION SITE - DAY

TRAVIS, forgetting the car in REVERSE, steps out.

The car starts to roll backwards.

TRAVIS jumps on the brakes.

He puts it in park, then gets back out, shuts the door.

They both run up to their chunky boss, Mr Chitee.

MR.CHITEE
Where the hell have you been?!

TRAVIS
Sorry, Mr. Shitee, we had...uh...
car-trouble. I think.

MR.CHITEE
It’s Chitee! And you got worse things
to worry about, and do you know what
that is?!
(beat)
HUH?!

TRAVIS and WES both shake their heads.

MR.CHITEE
Detention!

CLOSE-UP

of MR.CHITEE holding up a mini chalkboard with the word
“DETENTION” on it.

Under the word are the names
“Marshall Mathers
 Mr. Bean”

MR.CHITEE 
Sign it! Now!

TRAVIS writes his name on the mini chalkboard.

WES
Sir, we we’re at a bar and lost
track of the time, that’s all.

MR.CHITEE 
Oh, a beer break.

TRAVIS
Sorta.

WES hits him in the arm.

MR.CHITEE 
Well, me and the boys were on a 
little break ourselves.

He points back behind him as the camera focuses on

WES’ and TRAVIS’ POV

of a bunch of construction workers playing hackie sack.

MR.CHITEE 
(CONT’D)
We kinda got bored without our two
wrecking ball engineers. But now that
you’re here we can finally get some green!

WES and TRAVIS both snicker.

WES
Dude, you smoke pot,Mr. shitee?

MR.CHITEE 
(confused)
What? Pot? And it’s Chitee!

TRAVIS
You said “we can finally get some
green!”

MR.CHITEE 
Well, since when did money look
pink you dumbasses? Come on, lets
get to work.

EXT . CONSTRUCTION SITE - WRECKING BALL

MR.CHITEE
Alrigh, now this is what’s gonna
happen. Travis, you’re going to be
operating the ball thingy. I know
you’re new at this but you gotta
learn sometime or another time.

TRAVIS
Oh, well, I choose another time
then.

MR.CHITEE 
Cut the crap, smartass.

TRAVIS
Hey, don’t talk to me that way...
FRUITY ASS!

MR.CHITEE is not only stunned of what his employee has just said to him, but he is also afraid.

TRAVIS
Sorry, it’s sort of a split 
personality problem I have.
Um, you were saying.

MR.CHITEE 
(beat)
Well, uh. I’m gonna, um, I’m
gonna have Wes up there with 
you to direct, JUST INCASE.
If that’s okay with you, 
Mr. Travis.

TRAVIS
(to WES)
Ha, Mr. Travis.

MR.CHITEE 
Alright, Mr. Travis, get ready
to work, and absolutely,
positively, completely,
blankly, sheerly, utterly,
confidently, thouroughly,
perfectly, consummately,
idealy, despotically,
autocratically NO DOPE!

They don’t think to much of MR.CHITEE’s words.

WES/TRAVIS
Ok.

Travis steps into the wrecking ball and looks around in question, WES at his side.

We can hear the sound of car honking OFFSCREEN.

WES and TRAVIS look across the street at a McDonald’s, to see the BARTENDER’s van pull up.

WES
Oh shit, dude!

The BARTENDER and his ALCOHOLIC gang get out and walk into the restaraunt.

Various words are heard such as

ALCOHOLICS
<I hope we find those bitches><I want
a happy meal!><I need to do my nails!>
<Who the hell drinks Mike’s hard 
lemonade?><BURP!>

TRAVIS
Don’t worry about them.

WES
Alright, you have the levers 
memorized so it should go 
smoother than planned. I want
you to look a little hopeless
while maneuvering the ball, and
try to look like an idiot,well,
just be yourself.

TRAVIS salutes him.

A slate boy jumps in front of the camera.

SLATE BOY
The Wrecking ball! Scene 3!

He slaps the slate then jumps out of the view.

We can hear the voice of a director OFF SCREEN.

DIRECTOR
(off)
And action!

Travis simultaneously pulls lever by lever.

The wrecking ball shakes back and forth.

MR.CHITEE 
What the hell are those potheads
doing?

INT . WRECKING BALL

WES
Dude, you gotta, get a hold
of it!

TRAVIS
I’m trying to!

The wrecking ball swings around, until the ball is above the road.

Cars are screeching to speed away, slamming on brakes to not get in the way.

INT . WRECKING BALL

WES
Where are you goin’?

They both stare directly in front of them.

WES/TRAVIS
Oh shit!

EXT . CONTRUCTION SITE

MR.CHITEE 
Oh shit!

INT . MCDONALDS

The BARTENDER is ordering with the gang of ALCOHOLICS behind him, cluttered up.

BARTENDER
I want a happy meal, a Big Mac,
a number 2 Value Meal.

Ronald Mcdonald runs from out of the play place.

The BARTENDER continues to order.

RONALD
Get the hell out sons a bitches!

Suddenly, a giant wrecking ball crashes through the side of the restaraunt.

Everybody, especially the kids, are running, crying.

The BARTENDER and his gang pull out their guns and start shooting in the air like the psychopaths they are.

BARTENDER
You heard the man, OUT!

EXT . MCDONALDS

RONDALD rushes out the building, leading a large group of burger eaters, and of course, beer drinkers.

RONALD
(crying)
My master piece!!!

INT . WRECKING BALL

WES/TRAVIS
Our master piece!!!

EXT . CONSTRUCTION SITE

MR.CHITEE 
There goes my money.

EXT . MCDONALDS

The cops, ambulance, and a fire extinguisher pull up.

RONALD rests on his knees, crying.

RONALD
Why!? Why me!?

DISSOLVE TO:
INT . WES’ HOUSE . LIVING ROOM - EVENING

WES and TRAVIS are sitting down on a couch watching T.V.

WES changes the channel.

WES’ and TRAVIS’ POV

of television.

A hott girl is on the television looking at herself in a mirror with a robe on.

WES
Hey, dude, you think we’ll loose our 
jobs over your shit today at the
wrecking ball?

TRAVIS
Nah, man. We’re the only engineers
there. Mr. Shitee’s ass would get
baked if he fired us.

The telephone rings.

TRAVIS answers.

TRAVIS
Hello?

MR.CHITEE
(v.o.)
It’s Chitee!

TRAVIS fumbles with the phone.

TRAVIS
Damn, dude.

He picks the phone up and hangs up.

TRAVIS
(CONT’D)
That fat bitch has gotta lotta
nerve screamin’ his ass at me.

WES
Oh, dude. She’s about to drop
that robe!

TRAVIS
Alright!

WES’ and TRAVIS’ POV

of television.

The girl on the T.V. unties her robe and prepares to take it off.

ANGLE on

WES and TRAVIS sitting in their chairs in amazement.

WES/TRAVIS
(beat)
YEAH!!!

TRAVIS
Oh yeah, dude.

WES
Those are some awesome titties!

TRAVIS
Yeah. Hey-I feel like gettin’ stoned.
You?

WES
Hell yeah I feel like gettin’ stoned!

TRAVIS
Alright, I’ll go get the shit!

INT . WES’ HOUSE - GROW ROOM

TRAVIS walks in as the camera pulls back to reveal a 6-foot marijuana plant.

TRAVIS bounces toward the plant, excited.

TRAVIS
Yeeeeeeeeeeeah, bitch! You look
goooooooooooood. You make me feel
goooooooooooooood too!

He picks a large bud, starts toward the door.

He stops and looks back at the plant, checks to see if the close is clear.

He slowly walks back to the plant with an evil look on his face.

He picks a few buds and puts them in his pockets.

INT . WES’ HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

WES is still watching T.V. Jeapordy is on.

He takes a drink of MOUNTAIN DEW.

T.V.
No bitch, that’s not the answer!

We can hear gunshots coming from the T.V.

WES watches with no brain activity.

T.V.
Hahaha, you suck you faggat!
What’s that?
Oh yeah?
(BEEP) you too!

WE can hear punches being thrown during a fight on the television.

WES just watches.

EXT . WES’ HOUSE - FRONT PORCH

TRAVIS opens the door and peeks out.

He walks out with humoungously filled pockets and the marijuana plant over his shoulders.

He waddles over to his trunk carrying the plant.

TRAVIS
Now this is what I’m talkin’ about!

He opens up the trunk and throws the plant in.

He grabs a plastic bag and places all the buds from his pockets inside.

He keeps one in his hand.

He walks back to the house.

INT . WES’ HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

WES is still watching Jeapordy.

TRAVIS walks in, the bud in his hand.

TRAVIS
Here. This is a nice buds isn’t.
Just like all the others.

He sits down next to WES.

WES
(beat)
You didn’t take the rest of the buds
like last time did you?

TRAVIS
Naw, I left them all right there safely
on the plant man. Right where they should
be.

WES
Man, I don’t trust you. I’m goin’
to check.

TRAVIS
NO! They need rest! I mean, they’re 
still growin’. You don’t wanna mess
that up for ‘em do ya?

WES
(beat)
Well, I guess not. Anyway, fire that
shit up.

TRAVIS
Alright, you got any papers?

WES
Naw.

TRAVIS
Damn...then we’re gonna have to
make a bong or a pipe or somthin’.

WES
Well, what can we use to make a pipe
or bong?

TRAVIS
I don’t know, think.

They think, think, and think.

The theme from JEAPORDY plays.

They continue to think.

When the theme song finishes, a lightbulb lights above WES’ head.

WES
I got it!

INT . WES’ HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

CLOSE UP

of WES taking a LARGE hit from a pipe made out of a tic tac box.

WES’ eyes are squinting really hard.

TRAVIS is staring at him with bloodshot eyes and a large smile on his face.

WES stops hitting.

He inhales.

A beat or two.

He exhales.

WES
That’s some good shit, homey!

TRAVIS
I know, man!

WES laughs.

TRAVIS
You know, I feel really hungry, dawg!

WES
Mmm, me too cool dawg!

TRAVIS
And tired, high dawg!

WES
Me too...Hot Dawg!

They both crack up.

INT . WES’ HOUSE - KITCHEN

WES is digging through the fridge, TRAVIS is making about 20 pancakes.

The MICROWAVE dings.

WES shuts the fridge with his arms full of sandwich food.

He struggles setting it all down on the table, then fetches a bag of steaming hot popcorn from the microwave.

TRAVIS flips the 20 pancakes onto a plate.

WES grabs some cereal from a cabinet.

The doorbell rings.

EXT . WES’ HOUSE 

A pizza delivery boy stands by the door.

TRAVIS opens the door.

PIZZA BOY
Here’s your extra large pepperoni pizza.

TRAVIS
Thanks dude.

He takes the pizza and tries to close the door.

The PIZZA BOY stops him.

PIZZA BOY
Uh, you gotta pay for that pizza.

TRAVIS
Yeah, well, I’m a little broke.

PIZZA BOY
Then why did you order a pizza.

TRAVIS
Because I’m hungry.

PIZZA BOY
Well, you have 2 choices, you can either
pay for the pizza or you can refuse and
let me leave. Which is it?

TRAVIS
I say I take the pizza and you get the 
hell outta here.

PIZZA BOY
Look bitch, I ain’t gonna take your
bullshit! You either pay me or
backoff!

TRAVIS
Ok, hold on, I think I have something
for you.

The PIZZA BOY has a confused look on his face.

EXT . WES’ HOUSE 

The PIZZA BOY takes off for his life as a numerous amount of bottle rockets fly at his ass.

He jumps into the car and speeds away.

TRAVIS stand at the door with the pizza in his hands.

TRAVIS
That’s what I thought!
And the next time you get an order
from this house you better have a
good attitude you little punk ass
queer!

He laughs.

INT . WES’ HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

TRAVIS walks in with the pizza.

WES is chomping down on the cereal, popcorn, pancakes, and his sandwhich.

WES
Alright! What took you so damn long
with that pizza, dude!?

TRAVIS
It was just a little punk tryin’ to
rip me off, that’s all.

WES
You didn’t shoot the fireworks off
did you?

TRAVIS
Yeah.

WES
Damn you! I told you, the next time
you set fireworks off at the pizza
boy you gotta let me in on it!

TRAVIS
Oh, sorry. But don’t worry, I’m really
hungry so we might need to order another
one.

WES
Yeah, I know, I was just messin’ with ya.
Next time we gotta use the smoke bombs.

TRAVIS
Yeah man, that would be awesome.

WES
Hey, dude, could you go get me the
barbece sauce? I gotta spice up this
sandwich.

INT . WES’ HOUSE - KITCHEN

TRAVIS walks over to a cabinet, opens it.

TRAVIS
Barbecue sauce,where the hell is
the barbecue sauce?

TRAVIS’ POV

in the cabinet

We see a bottle that says “Hash Oil”

The camera pans down to see another bottle that says “Percenta”

The camera pand down again to see another bottle that says “Barbecue sauce”

TRAVIS
Cool.

He picks the bottle up.

INT . WES’ HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

TRAVIS walks in and tosses the barbecue bottle at WES, who catches it.

He sits down next to WES.

TRAVIS
Damn, dude, you gotta lotta tight
shit in there, man. You gotta hook
me up with that shit man.

WES
Hey, dude, remember earlier in the bar
when I said we needed a vacation?

TRAVIS
Yeah.

WES
So let’s take one!

TRAVIS
Where to?

WES
I don’t know, some Island with a lotta
... uh...CHICKS!

TRAVIS
Yeah, no shit.

WES
Oh, dude, I think I know a place
I read about in a map, I think it
was called...uh...

He snaps his fingers.

WES
Isla Corna.

TRAVIS
Dude, I know that place!

WES
Really?

TRAVIS
Yeah, that’s where my dreamare took place.

WES
Man, dreamare. You’re doped up on
XTC.

TRAVIS
DUDE!  That’s what I said about that
supermodel! She said she heard a lionish
noise from the jungle but all I found
was one big ass parrot.

WES
Yeah, whatever. Was it a good place.

TRAVIS
Well, yeah, man. It would be a kick ass place
to take a vacation at.

WES
So we’re goin’ there?

TRAVIS
Yeah dude! We’re goin’!

WES
Alright dude! But we gotta take
a flight, cuz they got those hott
ass bitches that ask if you want
nuts.

They look back at the television.

T.V.
Our next contest winner will get a one year 
supply of Hash oil,percenta,and BBQ Sauce!

CUT TO:
INT . AIRPORT LOBBY - NEXT DAY

TRAVIS and WES walk in the door, both with bags.

TRAVIS
You gotta let me do the talking.
I majored as a interrogatist in
college.

WES
You went to college?

TRAVIS
No but I tried.

WES
Tried? What stopped you?

TRAVIS
What stopped me? I’ll show you
what stopped me.

He pulls out a picture frame with an old high school report card.

CLOSE UP

of the report card.

The report card reads :
YOU SUCK!

Biology    F
Math       F
Spanish    F
Literature F
History    F
Sex Ed.    A-
Government F

WES
Damn.

TRAVIS
Yeah. My dad was real proud.

They approach a desk with a cheesy-smiled female worker.

WORKER
Hello, how may I help you?

TRAVIS
We would like 2 first-class tickets
to the Islands of Isla Corna.

WORKER
Ok, 2 tickets to Isla Corna.

She types quickly into her computer.

WORKER
How will you be paying for them?

TRAVIS
(sarcastically)
How will we be paying for them?

He thinks.

TRAVIS
(to wes, serious)
How will we be paying for them?

WES
(sarcastically)
Uh, cash!

TRAVIS
(to the worker,sarcastically)
Uh, cash!

WORKER
(beat)
Alright.

She types some more words into her computer.

WORKER
That will be $354.

WES
$354?

TRAVIS
(to wes)
Don’t worry, I got that.

TRAVIS gets out his wallet and pulls out a wad of various monopoly money.

He hands it to her.

TRAVIS
There, $354.

Now TRAVIS and WES both have cheesy smiles on their faces.

EXT . AIRPORT WINDOW - FEW SECONDS LATER

TRAVIS and WES are thrown through the AIRPORT WINDOW.

WES’ foot accidentley kicks a businessman in the nuts.

The BUSINESSMAN falls to his knees in unexplainable pain.

BUSINESSMAN
O, Lord, take me now, Jesus.

WES opens his bag and pulls out a case of mike’s hard lemonade.

He sets it next to the businessman.

WES
Here, whatever you do, only use
monoply money on park avenue.

WES and TRAVIS take off for a large boat dock with thousands of boats.

The worker and two other male workers rush out of the airport with pistols, shot guns, and tommy’s.

WORKER
There they are! Get ‘em!

They start shooting at WES and TRAVIS.

TRAVIS
Now where’ve I seen this before?

EXT . BOAT DOCK

WES and TRAVIS run up to an old beat up fisherman’s boat.

GUNSHOTS are coming from behind them.

WES
Hey, maybe we can take a boat
instead!

An old man in a fisherman’s suit and a hook for a hand jumps out of the boat.

WES and TRAVIS both scream like little girls.

FISHERMAN
Don’t be afraid, my children.

TRAVIS
Uh, were kinda in a rush.
Can you take us to the islands
of Isla Corna?

FISHERMAN
Sure, I’m goin’ fishin’ but it’s
on my way.

WES
Cool.

They both jump into the boat.

The fisherman unties it from the dock and jumps in.

He starts the engine and takes off.

INT . BOAT

TRAVIS looks behind him at the psychopathic airport workers still firing shots.

TRAVIS
Thanks, Mr...

FISHERMAN
Willis. Ben Willis.

TRAVIS
Thanks Mr. Willis. We really
appreciate it.

WILLIS
No problem. I don’t get too many
people on my boat because of the
hook.

WES
What happened to your hand?

WILLIS
Oh, nothing.

He pulls the hook off, which is made of plastic, and sticks his hand out of his sleeve.

WILLIS
(CONT’D)
I just thought it would make me
look more dashing!

He cracks up.

TRAVIS/WES
(beat)
Reeeeeeally...

CUT TO:
EXT . BOAT - NOON

WILLIS is sitting down in a chair with a large fishing pole next him. 

The line is in the water.

TRAVIS and WES walk out from the house of the boat, sit next to him.

WES
So, Mr. Willis--

WILLIS
Please, call me Ben.

WES
Ok, Ben, What are you fishing
for?

WILLIS
Well, as I would like to say,
the evil satanic demon of the
deep blue sea that has starred
in Steven Spielburg’s most famous
movies.

WES
(beat)
Huh?

WILLIS
Sharks, my boy! 

WES
Wh-why sharks?

WILLIS
Because the other fishermen have
all caught a shark, but not me.
They always are taunting me about
it so I thought I should proove
that I’m not a loser. And I 
suppose that I love it for the
fun and all the hott chicks
in bikinis that go by in boats
on spring break. Plus, those
damn bastards keep shitting under 
my dock and it’s been stinking up my
boat.

WES
Oh. Well I hope you catch one.
But it’ll probably take you days
to do that.

WILLIS
My damn, I’ve got one!

The line is yanking harder then 20 men.

WILLIS
Shit! This is one big shrimp!

WES and TRAVIS help him pull on the pole.

WILLIS
I don’t need your help!
I have the strength of
50 men! I was on the
wrestling team you know!

He rips his shirt open, revealing a large 6-pack.

TRAVIS
Damn, man.

WILLIS pulls on the line with no problem.

A large great white shark flies onto the boat.

WILLIS
Yes! I finally caught one of those
bitches! Now the other fisherman
have nothing to laugh at!I almost 
forgot! We have to knock it out!
 I’ll go get my blow gun.

He runs into the house of the boat.

WES and TRAVIS look at each other.

TRAVIS slaps his elbow and slams it into the shark’s stomach.

WES punches it in the face.

The shark looks at WES and speaks to him.

SHARK
What was that for you little punk!?

WES and TRAVIS both scream like little girls again.

INT . BOAT HOUSE

WILLIS grabs some darts.

WILLIS
I can’t wait!

EXT . BOAT

WILLIS walks out of the boat house,stops, mouth wide open.

WILLIS’ POV

of WES and TRAVIS.

TRAVIS has the shark by the tail, swinging it around in circles.

WES is holding a large 2x4.

TRAVIS swings the shark into the 2x4.

WES and TRAVIS cheer.

TRAVIS
Hey, Ben. We knocked him out 
for ya. Now you don’t have to go 
through the trouble.

BEN
(beat)
You stupid son of a bitch!

TRAVIS
What? You said we had to knock
it out so we did.

WILLIS
I meant with darts!

WES
Hey hey hey. Stop fighting.
There isn’t going to be no
more fighting of animals or
fighting of humans.

A large Octapus tentacle slaps WES on the side of the head.

WES screams like a girl.

TRAVIS
Let’s get ‘em!

He runs over to the tentacle and slaps it.

Another tentacle slaps TRAVIS on the side of the head.

TRAVIS screams like a girl.

He stabs the tentacle with a popscicle stick.

The tentacle goes back into the ocean.

WES runs around the boat, pulling the OCTAPUS out of the ocean.

The Octapus is spinning around in circles in the air.

WILLIS puts a dart in his blow gun and shoots it at the OCTAPUS.

The OCTAPUS falls limp.

WES throws it back into the ocean.

WES
Ehhhhh, man, that’s fu-- awww
that’s sick man.

CUT TO:
EXT . BOAT - NIGHT

WES, TRAVIS, and WILLIS are sitting in their chairs.

WES
(to Travis)
Hey, man. We haven’t gotten high
for a long time! We need to get
baked!

TRAVIS
I know, it hasn’t been since...
last night.

WES
How did we hold out that long?

TRAVIS
I would say the beating of the shark
and the octapus. Light some up man.

WES pulls out a large blunt, about 7 feet in diameter.

He puts the lighter up to it.

WILLIS
Hey hey hey. There isn’t going
to be no smoking on my boat.

TRAVIS
Oh come on, man. Weed isn’t even
like that. It makes you feel good
and makes anything a good party.
Come on, we’ll let you hit it.

WILLIS
No, I’m not hitting no damn pot.
N-O. Notta. Never. Negative, Sarg.

EXT . BOAT - 5 minutes later.

WILLIS, WES, and TRAVIS are all laughing their heads off.

WILLIS
Oh dude, That’s some goof shit!

TRAVIS
I know man!

WES
This is the bestest and the safest
way to party, Holmes!

WILLIS
Oh my god, I cant feel my hands!

He looks at them real close.

He cracks up.

WILLIS
I haven’t felt this way since
me and Bill started the Golf
war!

TRAVIS
You started the Gulf War?

WILLIS
No, we got in a fight when
we were playing putt putt
golf, but it was an up all
night party.

He cracks up.

WILLIS
I love you guys!

He throws his arms up and slaps WES and TRAVIS in the face.

They both fall off the boat.

They fall into the water.

WES
Shit, dude!

TRAVIS
That son of a bitch knocked us off
his boat!

WES
You did that once on that one cruise.

TRAVIS
Yeah and then they made a movie
out of some dudes that were like
tryin’ to get laid or somthin’.
But they left us out of it.

WES
What was that movie again?

TRAVIS
Out to sea.

WILLIS
(o.s.)
I bet my boat’s stronger than
the Titanic. Let’s run it into
that Iceburg!

The boat speeds away.

WILLIS
(o.s.)
Iceburg, dead ahead!

The boat runs into the iceburg, rips a hole in the bottom, then sinks.

Pieces of ice fly into the air.

TRAVIS
Oh shit,dude!

WES
We’re some lucky mother fu--

He is cutoff by a piece of ice hitting him in the head.

TRAVIS stares at him, unconcious.

TRAVIS
(laughing)
Oh, dude. That sucks ass!
Well, like I always said,
better him than me.

Another piece of ice hits him in the head.

He falls silent, unconcious.

Fade out

to black.

Fade in

EXT . ISLA CORNA - MORNING

TRAVIS and WES are lying down in the sand next to the ocean, sleeping.

Two monkey’s are standing above their heads pissing.

TRAVIS wakes up.

TRAVIS’ POV

of the monkey slowly coming into focus.

The monkey smiles at him.

He jumps up quickly.

TRAVIS
Where am I?

He slaps WES in the face.

He wakes up, jumps from the monkey piss.

TRAVIS
(to monkey)
Get the hell outta here!

WES
What the hell happened?

TRAVIS
All I remember is some old
guys tryin’ to get laid then
you got hit in the head with
a piece of flying ice then
I was sitting in a leather
armchair with Jenifer Aniston
sitting in my lap.

WES
All I remember is a FAGGAT ASS
MONKEY PISSING ON MY FACE!

He runs after the monkey but stops after a few steps.

He bends over, resting his arms on his knees.

TRAVIS
Man, I’m hungry.

WES
Yeah, well, what are we supposed
to do? Find a seven eleven out here?

TRAVIS
Banana’s are always an option.

WES
Well, do you got Chiquita’s phone
number?

TRAVIS
Chiquita?

WES
That banana company.

TRAVIS
(beat)
A company that makes banana’s?

WES
Uh, I guess.

EXT . ISLA CORNA

TRAVIS and WES are walking down the beach, breathless.

WES has a bandana on his head.

TRAVIS has his boxer shorts on his head.

WES
This isn’t exactly the type of
vacation I was planning on.

TRAVIS
There’s gotta be some human
technology on this island, all
we gotta do is find it.

WES
Yeah, well, all we’ve found
in the last hour or five
are these wild animals.

A shadow crosses his face.

He looks up and sees a hawk flying around in the air.

WES
You think we can eat him?

A glob of bird shit falls from the sky and lands on WES’ face.

TRAVIS stares at him, then laughs.

WES
(beat)
I’m thinking silence of the
lambs...BIRD style.

The hawk flies down and grabs WES in the face with his claws.

WES screams.

He shakes his head around, both hands on the bird’s wings.

WES
Help me!

He pries the hawk from his face and throws it on the ground.

WES
Son of a bitch!

He jumps in the air and lands, side first, on the hawk.

We can hear the hawk squacking.

WES jumps up.

WES
You better not mess with me 
next time, punk.

He spits in the hawks face.

CLOSE UP

of the hawks face.

The hawk is cross-eyed.

EXT . ISLA CORNA . JUNGLE - NOON

TRAVIS and WES are walking down on a trail in the JUNGLE.

TRAVIS
You know, we gotta protect
ourselves from these animals
or else our asses are gonna
get in a lotta shit.

WES
You saw I handled that hawk 
back there didn’t ya?

TRAVIS
Yeah, so?

WES
Well, you don’t have to worry
about anything. We got fighting
skills, we can defend ourselves.

TRAVIS
Defending ourselves against humans
is a little different than defending
ourselves against predators of the 
wild. We ain’t no Ace Ventura.

WES
(sarcastically)
Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.

TRAVIS
Bitch, I can protect myself.

They stumble upon a triangle of sand with no footprints, bugs, trees, plants, nothing. It's a perfect triangle. 

They stop walking.

TRAVIS
Hmmm, Dejavu.

WES
What do ya mean?

TRAVIS
There was a triangle of sand like
this in my dreammare. It looked 
just like this one.

WES
Alright, I’m sick of this dreammare
bullshit. We best better split up.
Meet me on the other side of the island
at nighttime alright?

TRAVIS
Yeah whatever.

WES wanders off.

TRAVIS
Hmm, I wonder where that parrot
is.

He hears the beastly growl.

He is first alarmed, the looses up.

He has a manly smirk on his face.

TRAVIS
(sarcastically)
Oh no, it must be the parrot from
hell coming back to get me!

He turns around to be face to face with NOTHING!

TRAVIS
That’s what I thought. Just a little
pussy.

He hears the beastly growl from behind him.

He turns around to see a porcupine, sitting in the sand.

TRAVIS
So it was you huh? You better
have some challenge for me or
else I’m just gonna have ta
beat your ass right here like
a piece a cake.

The porcupine pets himself on the head.

TRAVIS
Oh really? Is that your attack
signal? Or is it your “ Yawn, I’m
not scared of you ‘cuz I’m a porcupine
and I’ll stab you with my spiney ass”
threat? Huh?

The porcupine just stares at him.

TRAVIS
That’s what I thought. And for that,
I’m gonna be a real nice guy and just
let you be, but trust me, you’re very
lucky I’m lettin’ you off the hook, ‘cuz
I’m b-b-b-b-b-bad to the bone!

He turns around to leave.

The porcupine pulls a spike from his body, sets it up as an arrow in a bow.

He laughs.

TRAVIS quickly turns his head.

The porcupine lets go of the spike.

CLOSE UP

of TRAVIS’ face.

TRAVIS
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EXT . ISLA CORNA . JUNGLE - FEW SECONDS LATER

WES is walking down a path.

He hears a squirrel.

He turns and sees it looking at him on a tree.

WES
I’ve had worse, bitch.

WES’ POV

of the SQUIRREL jumping toward his face.

WES screams.

EXT . ISLA CORNA . SAND TRIANGLE

TRAVIS is hopping aroung the triangle with his hand on the spike in his ass.

TRAVIS
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! 

He pulls the spike out of his ass, looks at it.

He’s breathing hard.

TRAVIS
That’s it, punk. I’m goin’ Judo on you.

He assumes a chinese fighting position.

The porcupine does the same.

TRAVIS
Haiya!

PORCUPINE
(high,muffled voice)
Haiya!

EXT . ISLA CORNA . JUNGLE 

WES has the squirrel clawed onto his face.

He tries shaking it off, but doesn’t succeed.

He runs over to a tree and beats the squirrel,and his head, against the tree numerous times.

EXT . ISLA CORNA . JUNGLE 

WES has the squirrel in his hands.

He gouges his eyes out.

WES laughs evily.

EXT . ISLA CORNA . SAND TRIANGLE

CLOSE UP

of TRAVIS fighting the PORCUPINE.

TRAVIS throws many judo chops at the porcupine, who in returns blocks them with his own judo chops.

TRAVIS does a backflip away.

The porcupine does the same.

A japanese gong is heard.

Mortal Kombat music plays.

TRAVIS puts his hands together,as does the porcupine.

They start their combat throwing punches, to kicks, to Mortal Kombat moves.

TRAVIS does the bicycle kick on the porcupine.

The porcupine shakes at every blow.

TRAVIS gives one final kick forcing the porcupine into the trees.

The porcupines scream fades out.

TRAVIS puts his hands back together, shuts his eyes.

WES runs for his life toward TRAVIS, screaming, with the squirrel on his back.

He runs into TRAVIS, who falls over.

WES shakes around insanley.

WES
Get it off!!! Get-it-off!!!

TRAVIS picks up a large stick from the jungle, pounces around.

He swings it at WES’ back.

The squirrel jumps off just in the nick of time.

WES is struck in the back, falls to the ground.

TRAVIS
Man. I was that close too.

WES stands up and looks at him.

WES
That close huh?

He takes the stick from his hands and beats him in the head with it.

WES
Oh, I’m sorry, there was a mosquito
on your head, but MAN! I was that
close!

TRAVIS, rubbing his head, stands back up.

TRAVIS
Hey, at least I was actually trying
to help!

WES
Well you weren’t doing a very good
job at it were you?

A beat.

TRAVIS
(softly)
I tried.

WES
Oh, shutup.

EXT . ISLA CORNA . JUNGLE

WES stomps through the jungle, TRAVIS following.

WES suddenly stops.

WES
Hey, I got an idea.

TRAVIS
(under breath)
Great.

WES 
Let’s get high. You got any bud?

TRAVIS
Naw, I’m out ‘cuz of last night.

WES
Damn man! What are we gonna do man
with no water, weed, girls?

WES sits down and starts to sob.

TRAVIS
Don’t worry, its the Jungle. We’ll
find it all ‘cuz all that shit’s
natural...

He slows his speech down and eventually becomes speechless with his mouth wide open.

The camera pulls back to reveal a 7 foot,fat Marijuana plant, practically glowing in the two stoner’s presence.

TRAVIS
Eureka!

WES looks up at TRAVIS, who runs over to the plant and takes a couple of buds.

He turns around and holds them up in the air.

TRAVIS
We’ve got ‘em!

CUT TO:
EXT . ISLA CORNA . JUNGLE - 5 MINUTES LATER

CLOSE UP

of WES and TRAVIS cracking theirselves up, both with joints in their mouths.

The camera PANS OUT to reveal the hawk, the porcupine, and the squirrel, all laughing with joints in their mouths.

The laughing slowly fade’s away.

TRAVIS
And then I said, “HAIYA!”

They all crack up.

WES
Oh my god, this has gotta be the best.

The porcupine rubs his stomach and babbles a few “blah blah blahs”.

TRAVIS
Yeah, I’m hungry too. But what are
we gonna eat out here in the jungle?

The porcupine winks his eyes.

The porcupine is having a daydream.

EXT . ISLA CORNA . JUNGLE - NIGHTIME

The porcupine is eating out a female porcupine.

The female is moaning and groaning.

The porcupine stops eating her out, looks at the camera.

He winks his eyes again

EXT . ISLA CORNA . JUNGLE - NOON

END OF DAYDREAM.

TRAVIS shakes the porcupine.

TRAVIS
No man, I mean food. Foooooooooooood.
I know I’m horny too but the last thing
we’ll find here are some hott ass girls.

The porcupine sighs.

The squirrel and the hawk laugh at him.

WES
Hey, I gotta idea for munchies man!

EXT . ISLA CORNA . JUNGLE - NOON

TRAVIS, WES, and the wild animals are chomping down on bananas.

TRAVIS takes a banana and sees a blue sticker that has an outline of a woman that reads “Chiquita”.

He pulls the sticker off,peels the banana, then eats it.

TRAVIS gives the porcupine a dirty look, then makes a jump for him, trying to beat him up.

WES holds him back.

TRAVIS
Let me have him! Let me beat
his spiney ass!

The porcupine bends over and slaps his ass.

TRAVIS/WES
(beat)
Yeah.

Travis continues his banana, about to throw up.

TRAVIS
Man, we need some different food.

CUT TO:
EXT . JUNGLE . RIVERMOUTH - NOON

A bunch of grizzly bears are catching salmon.

The camera pans in on a bush.

CLOSE UP

of a native, white man.

He growls.

One of the bears have a fishing pole in their hands.

It jerks the pole and a can of John West Salmon flies out of the river and lands next to the bear.

The bear picks the can up and holds it high up in the air.

It bellows.

SUPERIMPOSE
I got some lunch and you bitches
don’t!

All the other bears groan.

CLOSE UP

of the white native.

He growls.

The native jumps out of the bush and runs toward the bear.

NATIVE
AAAAAAAYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!

The bear turns and looks at the native.

BEAR
Huh?

The native tackles the bear down.

He stands up and looks macho.

The bear pushes him self back up from his arms, flipping his body up.

The bear and native stare at each other.

They assume fighting positions.

NATIVE
Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!

The native swings his fist at the bear, who catches his punch, then punches him in the face.

The native jumps back a foot.

They assume another fighting position.

NATIVE
(higher tone)
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

EXT . JUNGLE . RIVERMOUTH - few seconds later

TRAVIS and WES exit the jungle and look at the bear and native in combat.

The bear has the native in a headlock.

NATIVE
(choking)
Aiiiiiiyeeeeeeee!

The native punches the bear in the stomach numerous times.

The bear is not affected.

THE NATIVES POV

of the bear’s armpit.

He holds a finger up to his armpit and tickles him.

CLOSE UP

of bear’ face.

The bear’s face lights up.

He laughs his face off.

He let’s go of the native and runs away, roaring.

SUPERIMPOSE
Alright! Alright!
You win!

The native nods his head in pride.

He walks over to the John West Salmon, opens it, then eats it.

TRAVIS and WES run over to him.

He jumps up.

TRAVIS
Hey, can we have some of that?

WES
Yeah ‘cuz we’re kinda hungry.

NATIVE
Uh, no.

TRAVIS
Why not?

NATIVE
‘Cuz it’s mine. You saw me fight
for it.

WES
Whatever, we’re hungry.

He tries to take the salmon away from him.

The native punches him in the stomach.

WES gets the wind knocked out of him, bends over holding his stomach.

The native hands the salmon to TRAVIS.

NATIVE
Hold this.

He knees WES in the face.

He takes the SALMON away from TRAVIS and kicks him in the face.

He makes his way to pick them up.

Two guys carrying a large piece of glass walk in front of them.

TRAVIS and WES are thrown through the glass.

TRAVIS’ foot accidentley kicks the native in the nuts.

He falls to his knees in unexplainable pain.

NATIVE
(beat)
Goddamn!

TRAVIS and WES stand up in the river.

TRAVIS
Sorry, dude.

He pulls a breath mint out of his pocket.

TRAVIS
(handing it to him)
Here.

The native, mouth open, falls over.

CUT TO:
EXT . JUNGLE PATH - NOON

TRAVIS and WES are walking down the jungle path carrying the native.

WES
Alright, dude, I’m gettin’ 
tired.

TRAVIS 
Yeah me too. Drop him right
here.

They both drop the native.

They both sit down next to him.

WES shakes him.

He slowly holds his head up.

TRAVIS
Wassup, dude?

NATIVE
(beat)
Huh?

TRAVIS
(beat)
Wwhhaatt’ss uupp?

NATIVE
Oh...Why nuttin’ my homey G,
just chillin’ like a villin’,
you know what me’s talkin’ ‘bout
nigga?

TRAVIS and WES stare at him.

He smiles,laughs.

TRAVIS
Where the hell did you learn
that shit, man?

NATIVE
I’m down in the game, dawg.

WES
Really...

The native’s mouth drops wide open.

NATIVE’s POV

of a fat marijuana plant walking behind TRAVIS and WES.

The plant gets, closer and closer.

WES and TRAVIS don’t even notice.

The native shakes them both, then points to the plant.

They look behind them and see the alive plant.

Their mouths drop open.

The plant gets real close to the NATIVE’s face, growls.

The native trembles.

NATIVE
Wh-what does he want?

The plant growls.

WES
(whispering)
It’s a she.

NATIVE
Sorry, what does SHE want?

TRAVIS thinks to him self, then pulls the buds out of his pockets.

TRAVIS’ POV

of the buds.

TRAVIS
She knows we took the buds!

WES
Then give them back to her!

TRAVIS hands the buds to the plant.

The plant growls at the NATIVE.

TRAVIS
I can’t, she thinks he took them.

WES
Then he’ll give them to her.

NATIVE
I dont’t want to!

WES
Do it anyway.

NATIVE
(high voice)
Shit!

TRAVIS slowly hands the buds to the native.

The native takes the buds and slides them on the ground to the plant.

The plant growls, straightens back up.

The plant starts toward the opposite direction.

NATIVE
We can’t let it get away with
those buds, man!

TRAVIS
Well, what are we supposed to do?

WES
Hey, I got a flame gun in my bag.

TRAVIS
A flame gun?

The native walks toward the bag, looks around.

TRAVIS
(CONT’D)
Where do you get that shit?

WES
I know a guy.

The native pulls out the flame gun.

WES
Come on, dude. We can use it on that
plant!

TRAVIS
No! I’m not gonna take any chances on
that!

The native walks toward the plant with the flame gun.

WES
We can get those buds back!

TRAVIS
I don’t care, I got my own buds
at home.

WES
Where’d you get ‘em.

TRAVIS
(beat)
Uhhhhhhh, I know a guy.

The native fires the gun at the plant, who cathes on fire.

WES and TRAVIS turn their heads.

The native looks at the burning plant.

He walks toward it and inhales the smoke.

He looks toward them with bloodshot eyes.

NATIVE
That’s some good shit!

TRAVIS/WES
(beat)
Dude!

CUT TO:
The native, TRAVIS, and WES are walking through the jungle.

TRAVIS
Hey, dude, how’d you get here?

NATIVE
I was tryin’ to take a trip here
by plane, but I got kicked out of
the airport by trying to pay for my
ticket with monopoly money. Nearly 
getting my ass shot up, I found an
old fisherman who took me halfway
by boat. I got him high then he
knocked me off the boat and ran his
boat into an iceburg. I woke up on the
Island.

TRAVIS
Cool. What’s your name?

NATIVE
George.

TRAVIS
Really?

NATIVE
No, I made that up. My name’s
Aaron.

TRAVIS
Oh.

WES
So you’ve been stuck on this island
for how many years?

AARON
How the hell am I supposed to know?

TRAVIS
Hey, Aaron, we’re tryin’ to find more 
humans, besides you, on this island.
You wanna help us?

AARON
Do I look like I wanna stay here for
the rest of my life? Man, out of all
people why did two dumbasses have to
save me?

TRAVIS and WES stop walking, the native passes them.

TRAVIS
Who is he talking about?

WES
I don’t know.

EXT . JUNGLE . BEACH - AFTERNOON

TRAVIS, WES, and AARON are sitting down on the beach.

AARON takes a whip cream can, shakes it, and sprays it on his armpits.

He snifs his armpits.

AARON
Hmm.

TRAVIS
So, Aaron, where did you use to
live?

AARON
Miama, Florida.

WES
Really? That’s where we live!

AARON
(under breath)
Great.

TRAVIS looks around in his bag.

TRAVIS’ POV

of his electronic shaver.

He turns it on, it buzzes.

TRAVIS
Hey, Aaron, have you ever considered
shaving that beard off?

AARON
Beard? Beeeaarrd? Beer?

TRAVIS
The hair on you face.

He looks at it.

AARON
Not really. I couldn’t find a power
outlet so I said, “What the hell,”.

TRAVIS
Well, you can use my battery powered
shaver.

He hands it to AARON.

He looks at it.

He turns it on, sticks it up to his armpit hair, which still has the whip cream on it.

AARON
Cooooooool.

TRAVIS
Ew. You can keep that now.

AARON
What?

EXT . ISLA CORNA . BEACH - HOUR LATER

AARON is looking at himself in the reflection of a spoon.

He has a goatee.

He turns the shaver off, fiddles with his goatee.

TRAVIS
Not bad, man.

AARON
Hey, you wouldn’t happen to have
any clothes that you could spare
me, would you?

WES
Hmm, we might have something for 
ya.

TRAVIS and WES laugh.

AARON raises an eyebrow.

EXT . ISLA CORNA . BEACH - MINUTES AFTER

AARON is dressed in a whole ghetto wear, including a bandana tied to his head.

He simultaneously looks at his wardrobe.

WES
Pimp, pure pimp.

TRAVIS and WES congratulate each other.

AARON
I don’t know, man.

TRAVIS
Trust me.

About 30 feet behind them we see six legs, belonging to 3 hott girls walking toward the three potheads.

WES
I wish we could look that pimp, man.

TRAVIS
Don’t worry, we’ll get our chances.

AARON
Man, I ain’t gonna get any chicks with
this giggajigpimpshit.

A beat.

TRAVIS/WES
(high voices)
Whaaaaaaaat?

AARON looks up, sees the girls, drops his mouth.

TRAVIS and WES sees his mouth drop.

WES
Don’t tell me that plant’s back.

They turn around and see the girls, drop their mouths.

GIRL
Hey, guys.

AARON/TRAVIS/WES
(detuned voices)
Hey.

ANOTHER GIRL
There’s a party not to far from here,
you guys wanna go?

TRAVIS                WES
Well, you see...       Um,uhh...

AARON’s open mouth turns to a large smile.

AARON
Hell yeah!!!

GIRL
Great!

ANOTHER GIRL
Let’s go!

CUT TO:
EXT . ISLA CORNA . PARTY - NIGHT

The party is outside, like one we would see in hawaii, only ghettoerized.

MUSIC plays, well, IT’S A PARTY!

AARON is the star of the party.

He goes from girl to girl, grabbing tits, booties, and other stuff.

WES and TRAVIS are sitting down.

WES
Man, we need to get us some chicks.

TRAVIS 
No shit, holmes.

WES spots a girl, standing out of all the others.
                              
He sprays some banaca in his mouth, stands up, walks over to her.

WES
Hey, how’s it goin’?

She turns, walks away.

AARON walks toward her and babbles a few unheard words.

She smiles, takes his hand and places it on her ass.

He smiles, waves at WES.

WES
(beat)
DAMN!

SLOW MUSIC plays.

EVERYONE slow dances.

WES finds a girl to dance with him, they do.

The camera PANS IN on TRAVIS’ face, which has an evil look.

TRAVIS
A party isn’t a party until...well...
a party isn’t a party until it’s a
party.

He stands up and walks toward a restroom, which looks like a hawaii-type out house.

He flips on a switch, shuts the door.

TRAVIS
How the hell?

He looks down and sees a gas line running to a small fire at the top, sitting on a glass protector.

TRAVIS
Oh.

He sits down, pulls a joint out of his pocket.

He gets his lighter.

EXT . ISLA CORNA . OUTSIDE OUTHOUSE

A worker for a hotel walks across the gas line, steps on it.

INT . ISLA CORNA . OUTHOUSE

CLOSE UP

of the gas line coming loose.

Gas flows out.

TRAVIS flips the lighter on, lights the joint.

He looks down at the gas line.

TRAVIS
Hmm.

He takes a big hit from his joint.

His eyes light up from realization.

EXT . ISLA CORNA . PARTY - COUPLE SECONDS LATER

Everybody is still slow dancing.

The outhouse that TRAVIS was in blows up.

Everybody stops dancing, the music scratches off.

TRAVIS flies across the party and lands in front of AARON,  
his girl, WES, and his girl.

TRAVIS has gun powder all over him, clothes burnt up, hair on end.

He stands up.

He looks at everyone.

TRAVIS
Now THAT, was the best!

Everyone continues to stare at him.

He looks around.

A beat.

TRAVIS
Well, let’s get this party started!

Loud rap/hip hop plays.

Everybody parties, including TRAVIS.

A girl finds him and starts partying with him.

The camera pans out, out, and out until we

DISSOLVE TO:
EXT . ISLA CORNA . PARTY - 4 A.M.

Everybody is asleep on the ground.

TRAVIS passes gas.

The BARTENDER, from MIAMI, walks toward TRAVIS, WES, and AARON.

His alcoholic gang is behind him.

A fly buzzes around AARON’s face, he swats at it, but misses and hits WES instead.

WES wakes up, hits AARON.

WES
What was that for?

AARON wakes up.

AARON 
What do ya me-

BARTENDER
(interupping)
Remember me,boy?

WES looks at him and trembles.

AARON
Who’s this tally whacker?

WES
I wouldn’t say that if I were
you!

AARON
Why not?

The BARTENDER pulls out his tommy gun.

AARON
(beat)
Oh.

WES and AARON run for their lives.

The BARTENDER and his gang shoot at them.

TRAVIS wakes up from the gunshots.

He looks at the BARTENDER, shrieks, then runs.

He catches up with AARON and WES.

TRAVIS
What did you do to us, holmes?

WES
Oh shut the hell up!

They run up to the hotel, they hide behind the main desk in the lobby.

The bartender and his gang runs past them.

The three get back up and run back outside.

We hear gunshots.

The BARTENDER and his gang run toward them.

AARON
Shit, man! What the hell are we
supposed to do now?

TRAVIS
I suggest we keep running, they gotta
get tired sometime.

WES
Yeah, we could probably do this for
days.

AARON
Yeah.

A beat.

They are breathing hard.

AARON
Alright, I gotta rest.

TRAVIS
Me too.

They all stop and lean against a tree.

They rest.

WES
What are we gonna do now, man?

AARON
Pray?

TRAVIS
Shit, man! We’re doomed!

They here a “blah blah blah” from behind them.

They turn around and see the hawk, the porcupine, and the squirrel.

TRAVIS
Yo, wussup man?

WES
Hey, maybe they can help us.

AARON acts like he’s constipated.

TRAVIS
What the hell are you doin’?

AARON
Tryin’--to--tell--you--something...

WES
What?

A beat.

AARON locks his contipated look, then returns normal.

AARON
That you’re shittin’ me.

A beat.

They all stare at him.

AARON
Nevermind.

The bartender runs up, points at them.

BARTENDER
There they are!

He and his alcoholics run for them.

WES
Shit! Are you guys gonna help
us or what?

PORCUPINE
Welllllll, NO!

The animals laugh.

TRAVIS points over to a plane about to takeoff.

TRAVIS
Forget it, dude, let’s just
catch that plane and go home!

They run toward the plane.

The BARTENDER, his hang, and the animals all run toward them.

The HAWK takes of in the air.

The BARTENDER and his GANG start shooting.

The AIRPLANE starts to roll forward.

AARON
Shit it’s taking off!

WES
Run faster!

They all run on top speed.

They reach the plane and grab onto the wings.

The plane is in the air.

The BARTENDER and friends screech to a halt and watch the plane fly off in early dawn.

BARTENDER 
Well, we almost got ‘em.
(beat)
Hey, what’s say I treat you all
to a nice Mike’s Hard Lemonade!

Everybody cheers.

The plane goes higher, higher, and higher, farther, farther, and farther.

DISSOLVE TO:
EXT . MIAMI . HIGHWAY - NOON

TRAVIS’ IMPALA drives through the highway on a beautiful day, the best to end a tragedy.

SUPERIMPOSE
Miami, Florida - Noon

TRAVIS
(o.s.)
Hey are you guys hungry?

WES
(o.s.)
We haven’t eaten since yesterday.

INT . TRAVIS’ IMPALA - FEW SECONDS LATER

AARON
What is there to eat in Miami?

WES
Dude, there’s loads of places to
eat.

TRAVIS
You know, I feel sorta hungry for
McDonald’s.

WES
We can’t eat at Mickey D’s we knocked
it over remember, slick?

TRAVIS
Well, how about burger king?

WES
Hmm, will do.

EXT . BURGER KING - FEW MINUTES LATER

TRAVIS’ IMPALA pulls into the BURGER KING driveway.

It parks.

AARON
(o.s.)
Can I get one of those cardboard 
hats?

INT . BURGER KING - FEW MINUTES LATER

TRAVIS, WES, and AARON walk in.

The line is clear.

TRAVIS walks up to the counter.

He looks at the worker, who has his back to TRAVIS.

TRAVIS
Umm, Can I get some service
here?

WORKER
In a second sir.

TRAVIS
(beat)
Oooooook.

A beat or two.

AARON
Come on, man.

WES
Hurry up.

Another beat.

TRAVIS
(to worker)
So you gonna take my order or
what?

WORKER
I said in a second,sir.

TRAVIS
Hey, I didn’t com here to wait a
second for some bitch ass like you.

All the little kids stare at him.

TRAVIS moves his neck around like a robot.

TRAVIS
(CONT’D)
Now take my damn order.

He starts to exhale like a bull.

WORKER
You know, it’s butt nugget’s like
you that make me pissed off that I
had to switch to this boring job.

TRAVIS
So why did you, dumbass.

WORKER
‘Cuz someone knocked over the building.

The worker turns around to reveal RONALD MCDONALD!

His and TRAVIS’ mouths drop.

RONALD
You!

TRAVIS
Oh shit!

WES/AARON
Oh shit!

EXT . BURGER KING - FEW MINUTES LATER

TRAVIS, WES, and AARON are thrown through the BURGER KING window.

They get up and run for their lives.

RONALD MCDONALD and other former McDonald’s workers come out holding tons of guns, who open fire.

RONDALD shoots with an evil smirk on his face.

FREEZE FRAME

ROLL CREDITS

THE END