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The Time is Finally Here
Enjoy and Think
INT-JIM'S LIVING ROOM
Darwin, Roach and Ryan are sitting in Jim's living room.
DARWIN
Where's Jim?
RYAN
In bed where I should be.
Jim appears at the door
JIM
What in the hell are you lot doing here?
DARWIN
You said come round.
JIM
I didn't mean this soon in the day.
DARWIN
What do you mean you have missed the best
part of the day.
JIM
And you sound like my fucking mother.
DARWIN
Where is your mom?
JIM
How in the hell should I know.
DARWIN
She is your mom.
JIM
Whatever. Next time you come round this
early in the morning make less noise I
thought I was been robbed if I new it was
you fuckers I would have stop in bed.
RYAN
How can you stop in bed when we have some
fine pussy coming round in a bit.
JIM
We don't know any fine pussy. Hell we
don't even no some nice girl.
RYAN
You'll think it's fine when I tell you.
JIM
OK impress me.
RYAN
We have on the totty watch Tiffany Vicky
Louise and Kerry
JIM
Louise, Why do it to me. I could just do
with a day off.
RYAN
You love me for it.
DARWIN
Why ask kerry she no longer holds any
mystery.
RYAN
She does she fancies one of us.
JIM
Please not me again.
RYAN
It's not you it's mister no fuck.
ROACH
I've had sex/
DARWIN
Did you still have you pants on?
ROACH
Yes but.
RYAN
No but's Roach you haven't had sex but
you will when kerry gets her hands on
you.
JIM
Do we have any fags?
RYAN
Only Roach.
ROACH
Funny.
JIM
I'm going to the shop you lot coming?
EXT-STREET
Jim, Darwin, Ryan and Ron are walking to the shop
DARWIN
So, if Louise offers it to you today are
you going to take it.
JIM
I don't know. I don't want just another
anybody I want a somebody.
DARWIN
I thought Louise was that person for you.
It's what you've been telling us for the
past 4 years.
JIM
What if I'm wrong?
DARWIN
Are you ever wrong?
JIM
I haven't been yet but it has to happen
one day.
DARWIN
But if you are not and you miss out
you'll kick yourself for the next 10
years.
JIM
It doesn't matter anyway she doesn't like
me. I had hoped, I willed it to happen
but if she doesn't then she doesn't. I
can't do anything about it.
DARWIN
True but if she is talking to you then
you have a chance.
JIM
Point taken.
Zak walks up
ZAK
What point?
DARWIN
You have a chance with any woman if they
are talking to you.
ZAK
I only need them to listen.
JIM
If she doesn't like me then she doesn't,
talking won't change it.
ZAK
Stop talking crap Jim or should we call
you mister no shag?
JIM
Suck my dick ass monkey. You coming
round?
ZAK
Might do I've got to go and see a lady
about a shag. See you in a while.
DARWIN
Later man.
Zak walks off
ROACH
What time is she coming?
RYAN
You mean what time are you cumming?
ROACH
I can work that out if you tell me what
time she is coming.
RYAN
You just going to add 5 minutes.
ROACH
Something like that, I was going to add 8
you know for the foreplay.
RYAN
You want to get the four play out of the
way first.
ROACH
And how do I do that?
RYAN
Text.
DARWIN
What shit you telling him now?
RYAN
I'm telling him he should get the four
play out of the way first by texting her.
JIM
That is fucking lame. Texting is the work
of the devil.
RYAN
Why?
JIM
I sent this one text to a girl I put the
wrong word in it and that was the last
time she spoke to me.
RYAN
What did you say?
JIM
I can't remember.
RYAN
You can you always can remember. You try
to tell us that you can but we all no you
never forget a thing.
JIM
I said is and not isn't.
DARWIN
Ass monkey. Look there she is.
(pointing at Louise)
You love her.
JIM
Does know one sleep in this town?
DARWIN
Not when their are having hot wild sex.
JIM
She doesn't have wild sex with anyone.
DARWIN
She does its what they do.
JIM
If she did she'd tell me, we talk.
DARWIN
I'm going to ask her.
The girls are walking down the street towards the lads
Louise, Tiffany and Vicky and Kerry
RYAN
Hi Vicky.
VICKY
Hi.
RYAN
What you doing?
VICKY
Stuff you know.
RYAN
If you come round later we might get it
on.
VICKY
Might.
RYAN
Later.
Ryan, Darwin and Ron walk off down the shop.
LOUISE
Hi.
JIM
Don't people ever sleep?
LOUISE
I haven't been to sleep yet.
JIM
You been going at it?
LOUISE
It's none of your business who or what
I've been fucking.
JIM
What, I think that sums them up.
LOUISE
You really piss me off.
JIM
And you love me for it.
LOUISE
You are so up your own ass.
JIM
It's better than having a vocabulary of
three words like most of your boyfriends.
LOUISE
For what we do, they don't need to know
anymore.
JIM
You mean it's only about sex?
LOUISE
It's about what's good.
JIM
And is it?
LOUISE
Is it what?
JIM
Is it good?
LOUISE
I enjoy a good filling.
JIM
Whatever.
LOUISE
Might see you later.
Louise walks off and Jim walks off after the others
RYAN
And why didn't you say anything to Kerry?
ROACH
The chance didn't come up.
RYAN
You have to make it happen.
ROACH
I just can't do it like you.
RYAN
What do you mean?
ROACH
I mean the way you said that to Vicky.
RYAN
Said what?
ROACH
About getting some later.
RYAN
I said it cause I didn't mean it.
ROACH
What if she thinks you did.
RYAN
It doesn't matter if she thinks I meant
it.
ROACH
Why?
RYAN
Cause it's fun and that's what it's all
about.
Jim walks up
DARWIN
Been on the pull Jim?
JIM
I don't know why I bother.
RYAN
Cause you want to get in to her pants.
JIM
It's not the only reason.
DARWIN
But the main one.
JIM
It is on my mind
Brain walk runs past them
JIM(CONT'D)
I didn't know you were working today.
BRAIN
Don't get me started. The boss said I had
to work.
DARWIN
And you came to work because?
BRAIN
I need the £3.50 an hour.
JIM
If you do get away then come round.
BRAIN
What you doing then?
DARWIN
Not what but who?
BRAIN
Who's fucking whom?
DARWIN
Roach the lady killer is going in to the
triangle of pleasure.
BRAIN
You're fucking me who would go near him.
DARWIN
Have a wild guess.
BRAIN
I don't know, err, I don't know anyone
who would.
ROACH
I don't know why every one finds it so
funny that some one might want to sleep
with me.
BRAIN
I've got it, its Kerry.
DARWIN
The only slapper bigger enough to do it.
BRAIN
Are you paying her?
DARWIN
Well that's the odd part she wants him.
BRAIN
No way?
DARWIN
Way
BRAIN
I've got to run later.
Ryan, Darwin, Jim and Ron carry on walking to the Lug comes
up to them
JIM
What the fuck are you doing back?
LUG
Louise.
DARWIN
Just let it go.
JIM
You know how it works you treat her right
or.
LUG
You can't do fuck all she likes me that
is why when ever I come back she takes me
back.
JIM
And when you leave she comes to me and I
have to hold her together.
LUG
What can I say she likes sucking me off.
JIM
You are not listening to what I'm saying.
LUG
She can't get enough of my dick and do
you know why she likes it.
DARWIN
You are going to tell us it's the monster
size of it.
LUG
Yes.
JIM
Don't hurt her this time, please she
can't take it.
LUG
I will do what I want.
DARWIN
Jim come on.
JIM
If you think she wants you that much why
don't you come round later on.
LUG
I might do.
Lug walks off.
DARWIN
Why ask him to come round?
JIM
I need to know.
DARWIN
Know what?
JIM
If she does like him.
DARWIN
And if she does?
JIM
Then she does.
DARWIN
But won't that hurt you?
JIM
I'll tell you after it's happen.
Ext-Street
Louise, Kerry Tiffany and Vicky are walking up the road.
LOUISE
So are you really going to fuck Roach?
KERRY
Might do.
TIFFANY
Doesn't it bother you he has a small
dick.
KERRY
He said it was cause it was cold.
TIFFANY
They were mean taking his towel off and
letting us all see his little general.
KERRY
It would be fun to find out it's real
size.
LOUISE
You really like him I can see it in your
eyes.
TIFFANY
Don't you need big dick?
KERRY
I just like the cock.
LOUISE
I always like a good filling.
VICKY
Kerry aren't you with Rob.
KERRY
I'm always going out with Rob. We are in
an open relationship. When I'm not
getting any I go back to him.
VICKY
So you are free do any one then.
KERRY
If I want to.
TIFFANY
Louise are you going to do Jim?
LOUISE
You never know what is going to happen
after a couple of drinks.
VICKY
Are you saying you don't have sex until
you are drunk?
LOUISE
I'm saying it loosens you up and makes
you more relaxed.
KERRY
It always works for me.
LUG
And for me.
LOUISE
(happily)
What are you doing here?
LUG
I'm here to get you.
LOUISE
Again.
LUG
I had to sort some stuff out but I'm back
and I want to sort it out.
LOUISE
You just can't come back in to my life
and think everything will be alright.
LUG
I want to sort it out.
LOUISE
Have you ever thought I don't want you
back this time.
LUG
Can we go and talk?
LOUISE
Not in this life time.
LUG
A few minutes?
LOUISE
No.
LUG
Please.
LOUISE
A few minutes.
LUG
All I need
LOUISE
OK then lets go and talk. I'll see you
all at Jim's in while.
Louise and Lug walk off
INT-JIM'S LIVING ROOM
DARWIN
What I'm telling you is you need sex Jim.
JIM
And what is that suppose to mean?
RYAN
It means if you don't have sex soon your
virginity will grow back.
JIM
Look I haven't had sex not because I
haven't any offers but because its not
right to have sex with out love.
DARWIN
That is poor.
JIM
It's the truth, plus sex it's self is
very boring.
RYAN
Look man if you think it's boring then
you are doing it wrong.
JIM
I have never had any complaints.
RYAN
Two women and one of those Kerry it's not
surprising.
DARWIN
If you find it boring you have to be
doing it oddly, I have never found it
boring.
JIM
Think about it. What you are doing and
why you are doing it.
You start off and the start is alright
the blood pumps and you are on, then you
start the act the back and forth, the up
and down, the in and out. And depending
on how long you last it goes on for 5 to
45 minutes.
RYAN
When in the fuck did you last 45 minutes?
DARWIN
I always give them a good 45 minutes.
JIM
So, Darwin is on for 45 minutes doing the
same thing knowing he can't talk.
RYAN
You can.
JIM
You can but can't have a conversation
about the football or what's on the TV.
RYAN
Well you're supposed to be in to the sex.
JIM
But it's the same thing repeatedly over
and over again, it's like watching the
same part of a film over and over again.
If you do it for a short time it's good,
it's a thrill, it's a turn on, it's
enjoyment.
RYAN
You're still not getting it.
DARWIN
I think that might be his problem.
RYAN
Look Jim you are sharing with this girl
your love meat.
JIM
But all I'm building up to after not
being able to change the channel is a few
seconds of pure excitement. And then the
feelings gone.
DARWIN
What about her?
JIM
What about her?
DARWIN
Don't you think you are doing this for
her as well?
JIM
You are telling me you are there for her
and not yourself.
DARWIN
Not always.
JIM
If she wants to be pleasured, I can do
that while I'm watching the football and
if I want to be pleasured she can do that
why I'm watching the football. What I'm
trying to say is if it's about being turn
on there are better ways to do it than
sex.
RYAN
You are saying sex should only be used to
reproduce.
JIM
It should be used as the biggest show of
love. So when you do it it's special and
not so boring it becomes more than the
act its self it becomes the ultimate show
of your love. Take Roach he is going to
take Kerry upstairs take down her pants
stick his dick in it and that will be it.
DARWIN
I think you need to have sex, it's been
to long you need reminding what it's
about.
JIM
If Louise comes round and offers it to
me.
DARWIN
The only person she is giving today is
lug you asked him to come round.
ROACH
What do I do?
RYAN
What do you mean?
ROACH
When I take her upstairs, take her pants
down, and get my dick out, what then.
RYAN
You put it in.
ROACH
And then?
DARWIN
Do you need a manual?
ROACH
Something like that would help.
JIM
None of us had a manual.
DARWIN
How did we know what to do?
RYAN
I don't know.
JIM
Sex education.
RYAN
Watching two cartoon people doing it
isn't really education.
JIM
It shows you what to do.
ROACH
That's what I need to know.
JIM
It's not that hard.
ROACH
I don't get it.
RYAN
I can't even be bother to make a joke.
JIM
What I mean is for you to stick your
piece in her is simple but you have to
get it right for the woman you are with.
DARWIN
That's why you do not like sex cause you
can't be bother do deal with her.
JIM
I can. Am I the only man on the planet
that finds it boring?
DARWIN
Yes.
RYAN
Do you think you're of the gay?
JIM
Just cause I think sex is boring does not
make me of the gay.
DARWIN
But you told me you do like your ass
being played with.
JIM
And so would you if you'd let yourself.
DARWIN
Look I'm not having anyone playing with
my ass.
ROACH
Jim, You are the first person I have ever
met who said it was boring.
JIM
Just wait until you've had it then come
back to me.
ROACH
Should I bone up on what to do?
RYAN
You'll bone up when she cums.
DARWIN
That is one fucking lame joke you are the
lame joke tell her.
ROACH
When is she arriving?
RYAN
I don't know a couple of hours, a couple
of minutes you know women. I forgot you
don't know women.
ROACH
What am I going to do until she comes.
JIM
Look at this porn mag and beat off.
DARWIN
Shall I put on a film?
JIM
Take your pick.
RYAN
Make it good.
EXT-ROAD.
Lug is sitting with Louise on the side of road on a bench.
LOUISE
Good on then explain it. Why this time?
LUG
What do you mean why?
LOUISE
Why you want to sort it out.
LUG
Cause I love
LOUISE
And that is it you love me.
LUG
I do
LOUISE
Why should I believe you this time?
LUG
Cause it's all I have.
LOUISE
Well that isn't much good.
LUG
I can't say anymore. I love you. You
complete my life. You make me hole. You
are my one.
LOUISE
I don't thing so.
LUG
Maybe you are not my one for all time but
you are my one for now for this time.
LOUISE
And when this time is over?
LUG
We go different ways.
LOUISE
Why not just go different ways now. Why
risk hurting both of us?
LUG
For the time and the happiness we can
have now.
LOUISE
You say you love me but we won't but
together for ever.
LUG
I can't tell you that stuff changes over
time but while we are together we can be
happy.
LOUISE
OK then.
LUG
Lets go to Jim's
LOUISE
I don't think he'll want you there
LUG
Well that is where you are wrong cause he
asked me to come round.
LOUISE
OK then lets go. You know Jim is a really
good friend
LUG
Nothing more
LOUISE
This is Jim we are talking about
INT-JIM'S KITCHEN
ROACH
This is it.
JIM
This is what?
ROACH
The end of me.
JIM
What do you mean?
ROACH
This is the end of my life, as I know it.
JIM
But it's over for you in a good way.
ROACH
Only if I'm unhappy with what I have.
JIM
Are you happy?
ROACH
This morning I couldn't have been
happier. Now I'm told there is a fair
chance I'm going to have sex. Which is
suppose to make me even happier but it
has made me more scared than I ever
thought I could be.
JIM
It'll be better when it's over.
ROACH
How do you know?
JIM
I don't but you can't do anything about
it now you just have to wait.
ROACH
I don't have to go through with it. I
could just leave.
JIM
The worst that can happen is it's shit
nothing comes of it. It's over in a few
minutes but at least you have done it.
ROACH
I never just wanted to do it. I always
wanted it to be the best thing ever.
JIM
It's never going to be perfect, you won't
find anyone like that for your first
time.
ROACH
I could wait it's not just about the sex
I want someone to love. I want to be with
someone.
JIM
Keep looking but take this now while you
can.
ROACH
I should sell my soul so I can have sex.
JIM
I'd say that's about it.
ROACH
I'm not sure if I can do it.
JIM
Like I said a few hours and we will find
out.
ROACH
I suppose at least it'll be over one way
or another. I can't get the feeling out
of me that it's wrong.
JIM
It's called nerves.
ROACH
It's not it's the feeling of not loving
her. I don't get that feeling you get
when you look at Louise.
JIM
The feeling in the bottom of my stomach.
ROACH
You feel it's right. I like Kerry but I
don't get that feeling, to have sex with
her without that feeling it is not right.
JIM
And you'll find that one person but you
have to take your chance to see if she is
the right one. She might not be but you
could miss out if she is.
ROACH
You might be right.
JIM
Take Louise I let her go before. It has
destroyed me for years and if I'd just
tried then when I had the chance I would
have done her, I would have moved on. I
might still be with her I might not but
at least I'd know and it wouldn't break
me up every day of my life.
ROACH
You are so messed up.
JIM
I would do anything for love.
ROACH
I'm just going to let it happen you never
know it might turn out that she is the
one for me.
JIM
I don't think so it's Kerry we are
talking about.
ROACH
Isn't she still going out with Rob.
JIM
I wouldn't have a fucking clue. If she's
not fucking one of us she goes back on to
him.
ROACH
Do you think he'll be pissed if I screw
her?
JIM
He's nothing we can't handle.
ROACH
Raise a glass to what might happen.
JIM
Lets hope it's all go.
ROACH
I don't think I could ever me as scared
as I am right now.
JIM
You thing you are scared now just wait
until your naked.
The door bell goes and the girls walk in.
ROACH
She is here I thought you it would be a
few hours.
JIM
Just go for it.
Jim walks out of the room and Kerry walks in
ROACH
Hello.
KERRY
Hello.
ROACH
You doing OK?
KERRY
Yes.
ROACH
What have you been doing?
KERRY
You know stuff and…
Long silence just a little longer than is comfortable.
ROACH
What are you doing later?
KERRY
Don't know.
ROACH
You can stop here we have lots of beer.
KERRY
Might do.
ROACH
Do you want a beer?
KERRY
Yes.
ROACH
Here you go. Done anything fun lately?
KERRY
Not much.
ROACH
You don't seem to happy.
KERRY
I am.
ROACH
You just seem to be a little quiet.
KERRY
I'm shy.
ROACH
Not what I've heard.
KERRY
Why what have you heard?
ROACH
Now you are interested.
KERRY
What have you heard?
ROACH
I'm not sure I should tell you.
KERRY
OK.
ROACH
Is that all you are going to say OK
KERRY
Yes.
Silence
Ryan walks in
RYAN
What's happen someone die?
Kerry walks out
RYAN(CONT'D)
Looks like you were striking out.
ROACH
It wasn't me it was her.
RYAN
It was like a morgue in here.
ROACH
What in the hell can I do.
RYAN
You need to release some of the sexual
tension.
ROACH
What I should whack one off?
RYAN
With her in the room that will do it.
Ryan sits down. Darwin walks in
RYAN (CONT'D)
Get me a beer why you're up
DARWIN
You are so fucking lazy
RYAN
It's call being smart you see I'm not
moving and you are.
ROACH
You coming to watch the TV.
DARWIN
We have hot girls in the house and you
want to watch TV, no wonder you've never
been laid.
ROACH
I find it revealing.
RYAN
I find something else revealing.
INT-JIM'S DOOR
Jim is standing outside having a fag. Louise and Lug walk up
to the door
LOUISE
Hi.
JIM
I see you found him.
LOUISE
We are going to see what happens
JIM
You know where the bedroom is feel free.
LUG
I'm not just after that.
JIM
You might not be but I'm sure she is.
LOUISE
I'll meet you in there I need to talk to
Jim.
LUG
Don't be long I'll go get warmed up.
Lug walks into the house.
JIM
Get warmed up what a class man you've
got.
LOUISE
I don't know what your problem is.
JIM
You know full well what my problem is you
don't want to admit it.
LOUISE
I don't you tell me why you can stand to
see me happy.
JIM
I only ever want you to be happy but
he'll never make you feel like that.
LOUISE
He does you. You can't stand that it's
not you.
JIM
Do you think if that was true I'd be
letting you fuck him in my house.
LOUISE
You get something from it, I bet you film
it.
JIM
Why don't you just go and fuck him before
it gets to warm and he doesn't need you
any more.
LOUISE
I can't talk to you.
Louise walks in to the house.
INT-JIM'S LIVING ROOM
DARWIN
What's on the TV
RYAN
I'm trying to find some thing. I think if
you flick all day you will find one you
want to watch.
DARWIN
Do what I do make your own programs by
just flicking.
ROACH
What you want to try, if you are board is
not watch any ad breaks
DARWIN
You have to watch one
RYAN
Why?
DARWIN
Or how would you know what to buy.
RYAN
You are telling me you plan purchases on
what you see on the TV
DARWIN
Everyone does I just admit it
RYAN
You don't just go to the shop and buy
stuff that you think is good
DARWIN
Of course, I do but I need to know what I
have a choice of.
RYAN
And you find that out by going to the
shop and looking.
DARWIN
No you find it out by watching the TV.
ROACH
You could look it up on the Internet and
get it cheap
DARWIN
I could spend my life on the Internet but
I have a life, unlike most of the net
nerds.
ROACH
Don't you think that is a bit of a
generalization to say everyone who uses
the net to stay up to date is a net-nerd
DARWIN
You are by the fact you are keeping up to
date you have to spend all your time
reading. Now, reading has been proven
time and time again to be the biggest
nerdy shit you can do.
ROACH
Don't you ever read?
DARWIN
Not unless I have to.
Jim walks in
JIM
What don't you do unless you have to?
RYAN
Wash by the smell of him.
DARWIN
Read.
JIM
I read for fun.
DARWIN
You see nerd city.
JIM
Why cause I reed.
DARWIN
The nerdiest thing you can do in the
world is reed for fun.
JIM
Quite right I'm a big nerd and proud of
it.
RYAN
This isn't 1984.
DARWIN
If it were, we'd only be one year old
JIM
Don't you find it odd we miss so much of
one of the greatest decades cause we were
so young.
RYAN
It only seems like it was good cause we
didn't have to live in it.
JIM
What was wrong with it? One of the best
times in music ever, some of the best
artists, the greed is good culture that
made making money and putting yourself
first the only thing that mattered.
DARWIN
And that is better putting your self
first?
JIM
If I'd put myself first before I wouldn't
be in this mess. But I didn't I put
everyone before me and I'm still paying
for the mistake. If it were the 80's, I'd
be happy.
DARWIN
You can't say you'd be happy you don't
know what would have happened.
JIM
But it wouldn't be this bad.
ROACH
Aren't you happy with your life.
JIM
I am happy but my life still sucks.
DARWIN
Your life can't suck that bad cause you
made one bad choice.
RYAN
Maybe if this was the 80's you could get
in to the time machine and go back in
time and change the past.
ROACH
But that would destroy the time line
and...
RYAN
OK point of order this is why you haven't
had sex.
ROACH
What?
RYAN
Straw poll.
DARWIN
You know that is how they work out the TV
ratings they ask like 10 people then just
times it by the population.
ROACH
They don't, what they do is.
RYAN
Whatever. Look Darwin, have you had sex?
DARWIN
Yes.
RYAN
Jim you?
JIM
Yes.
RYAN
And I've had sex, now which one of us had
thought about the space-time continuum
JIM
Me.
DARWIN
Me for a short while one day.
RYAN
You are missing the point.
ROACH
I see yet again you are trying to say I
haven't had sex because I like science.
What I ask you is, Is it impossible for
me to find a woman who like science.
RYAN
I don't know.
JIM
I do and you can find them but if you are
looking for sex then you have to make
your self-different. You are not trying
to spend the rest of your life with this
person you are trying to get them in to
bed. So you should pretend that you are
interested in whatever is cool at the
time.
ROACH
You aren't doing that.
JIM
I've had sex and the fact is I got board
of not being myself. I like me and what I
found was the effort required for me to
be cool wasn't worth the response I was
getting.
DARWIN
Talking shit.
RYAN
Shit talking is not allowed. Money in the
beer box.
JIM
But.
RYAN
But nothing you are the one who came up
with the idea.
JIM
It wasn't shit
RYAN
It is and it's all cause you got pissed
off going out with Kerry, true?
JIM
True I was pissed off going out with
Kerry but.
RYAN
No but's I'm the one asking questions.
JIM
Kerry's not the only reason.
RYAN
Do you love Louise?
JIM
Yes.
RYAN
You got pissed off with Kerry because she
is the hoar of Babylon and you are in
love with Louise and having been for like
ever
JIM
Kerry is a hoar, don't let me put you off
Roach, but be careful she might look nice
on the outside but she is mad on the
inside. As for Louise, I think I might
have found someone.
RYAN
This is why you are talking shit cause if
you love her that much then ask her out
and if she says no then move on.
JIM
I've loved her for a long time a little
longer won't matter.
ROACH
What if I'm too fast for kerry?
DARWIN
You are becoming annoying.
RYAN
What do you mean too fast?
ROACH
What if I don't last long enough
RYAN
Still not getting it, how can you not
last long enough?
ROACH
If I don't last long enough for her.
RYAN
You are worried about her, how sweet.
ROACH
You sound surprised?
RYAN
You can't be too fast if you are the one
who's having the sex.
ROACH
I thought that we both had the sex
RYAN
Very rarely most of the time it's one of
you who wants it and the other wants to
just lye there, given that more than not
it's the men who want it.
ROACH
So, what you are saying is if I want sex
then it doesn't matter how fast it is.
RYAN
Better if you are the one who wants it to
be fast then she can't get board and
start thinking about getting someone
else.
ROACH
In the middle of me doing her she can be
thinking about replacing me.
RYAN
I've been told it is the time most women
think about getting a new boyfriend.
ROACH
I wonder what the girls are saying about
us at the moment?
JIM
We can find out if you want.
RYAN
Is that wise after what happened last
time.
JIM
You mean the fact we got hot lesbian
action, we'd be lucky to find that again.
RYAN
Was it worth destroying two people's
lives?
JIM
It wasn't my fault that they couldn't
handle the pressure. I tried to make it
all right, the speech I made you'd think
would have convinced the world they
should be with each other.
RYAN
It did so much that Marie had to move
away
JIM
You can't hold me responsible for the
parents over reacting and not excepting
what their daughter was.
ROACH
Just put them on.
DARWIN
We are going to hear what they are
saying?
ROACH
Not just hear but see we have the
technology.
JIM
Sit back and watch
Jim Switches over on the TV. There is a picture of Jim's
bedroom with know one in it.
RYAN
And know on is there, this is good.
The girls walk in to the room, Jim leaps across the room to
turn the TV off.
LOUISE
We are going out for a bit. Can think of
something interesting to do.
JIM
What's interesting?
LOUISE
Anything but what you are doing?
JIM
What's wrong with sitting here drinking
and talking?
LOUISE
What's right with it, you're talking shit
doing nothing.
JIM
We are filling time until life throws us
off track and we have to deal.
LOUISE
Don't you ever believe you should make
stuff happen?
JIM
Sounds like effort to me.
LOUISE
I forgot the golden rule if you need to
put effort in it's not worth doing.
JIM
Effort is required sometimes but not if
it can be helped. Where is lug?
LOUISE
He is sleeping it off.
JIM
And you are just going out for supplies
LOUISE
Something like that.
Louise and the girls leave
JIM
She is so amazing I don't think their is
anyone quite like her in the world.
RYAN
Then why don't you tell her this?
JIM
Cause I know what she will say.
RYAN
How do you know what she'll say.
JIM
I know her I know what she is like and I
know how she feels.
RYAN
Look man if you don't tell her then
she'll stop with him.
JIM
Can you believe he's up there and they
have just had sex? I Think some one gets
up in a morning and thinks how can we
wreck my life today.
DARWIN
Please go tell her, if she says she don't
want you then let her go.
JIM
But what if?
DARWIN
No more what if's just do it, some times
you have to say what the fuck, please do
it before you drives all mad.
JIM
But.
DARWIN
Do it and move on with your life.
RYAN
And if it don't work out you can always
go for Kerry after She's eaten Roach.
ROACH
I thought she was shy.
DARWIN
She is until you get her in to bed.
RYAN
I never got that far but Roach if you get
the chance let her give you head.
ROACH
Good in bed, giving me head. I can't even
talk to her how am I ever going to get
her in to bed.
RYAN
You don't have to talk to get her in to
bed.
ROACH
Hold on a minute She's sucked Ryan's dick
you've slept with her Darwin, and Jim you
have done?
JIM
I'm not telling you what we have done but
let's just say she isn't shy all the
time.
DARWIN
You don't want to get hooked up on the
fact she is shy. She's always like that
it when she likes some one.
ROACH
When I think of a person liking me they
come and tell you.
RYAN
What shit do you know about women liking
you, as if it's happened before.
ROACH
It's happened.
DARWIN
About the same time hell froze over.
ROACH
What I really need is advice.
DARWIN
You are so fucking lame every one else
just does it and doesn't make a big deal
about it. It's sex not rocket science.
RYAN
Don't listen to him What advice do you
need now my child?
ROACH
What to do about her. You tell me she is
sex mad but she won't talk to me.
RYAN
She's comes out of herself if you talk to
her you have to make the first move after
that it will be easy.
ROACH
I might turn her down anyway.
RYAN
What do you mean as if you are ever going
to turn a girl down.
ROACH
I've turn some of them down.
DARWIN
Who?
ROACH
Nicky.
RYAN
You'd never turn Nicky down.
ROACH
She looks like a man.
RYAN
One very fucking attractive man.
DARWIN
You think men can be attractive, gaylord.
RYAN
Money in the box.
DARWIN
I'm not putting money in the box for
insulting you.
RYAN
I can think of know better reason.
DARWIN
Eat my shit and go back to thinking about
your man looking woman.
RYAN
She is hot a little butch but hot, very
fit, she'd go all night.
DARWIN
From what I've heard 45 seconds does you.
RYAN
I was tired.
JIM
Money in the box.
RYAN
For telling the truth.
JIM
We are all tired at some point but not
every time.
RYAN
Suck my dick you virginity as grown back.
JIM
Not this shit again. It can't grow back.
RYAN
If you have forgotten what it's like then
it has grown back.
JIM
It can't grow back. The first time for a
man is different to a girl its not as if
we have a hymen to break.
DARWIN
Money in the box.
JIM
We don't.
DARWIN
But you have to use the pipes for the
first time.
JIM
You name me one man who hasn't pulled it
by the time they have had sex.
ROACH
So, can't you say the same about girls?
DARWIN
If you were to get your hole fist in.
ROACH
I just can't be myself around her.
RYAN
What do you mean?
ROACH
Whenever I'm around her, I loose my
ability to speak.
RYAN
It's sounds like love.
ROACH
It's not when I'm in love I usually can't
stop talking.
JIM
This means one of two things. One is it's
the most true love ever or you don't like
her at all.
ROACH
I would say its cause she doesn't give me
any feedback. You know most girls even if
they don't like you they tell you to fuck
off but without a word you can't say
much.
DARWIN
I had the same problem. With this one
girl, she doesn't say a word to me. I
only found out she'd liked me cause her
friends told me so I asked her out she
said yes.
ROACH
And did it work out.
DARWIN
We when on a couple of dates they all
sucked ass.
ROACH
Why?
DARWIN
Why do you think cause in the two dates
we said a total of 443 words to each
other in terms of words I've talk more to
my cat.
ROACH
You are saying to me if I can't get her
talking then there is little point us
going out.
DARWIN
Little point you going out but if you are
looking for sex then talking doesn't
matter. A little more action and less
conversation.
ROACH
Don't you talk during sex then?
RYAN
Why would you?
JIM
I like talking during.
RYAN
You don't have sex and it's probably
because you talk during.
JIM
What is wrong about talking?
DARWIN
What is it you are talking about? Are you
having a chat about what you did during
the day or what you are doing cause a
little instruction about what you are
doing isn't a bad idea.
JIM
I'm not talking about algebra or
something like that. I'm just talking
about fun stuff, you know what it's like.
RYAN
Can't say I do.
DARWIN
Me ether.
RYAN
If I'm doing it I don't want to talk to
her.
DARWIN
I don't even know their names.
JIM
Maybe that's a place to start, ask her
name.
DARWIN
I've got her in to bed I don't need to
talk to her. I can just go at it without
worrying what her name is.
JIM
Don't you mind about her?
DARWIN
Not until I've finished then all I'm
worried about getting out of there
without having to speak to her.
JIM
You are a wanker.
DARWIN
You are the biggest wanker.
JIM
And your point is?
ROACH
Are you admitting to being a wanker?
JIM
You are telling me you haven't sat there
beating off to the thought of Kerry
naked.
ROACH
I…
JIM
You have no answer.
DARWIN
Do you sit there beating off to thought
of Kerry doing a pole dance for you.
RYAN
Maybe rubbing up and down his pole.
DARWIN
You have thought about a Kerry stripping
in front of you taking her top off, then
her skirt.
ROACH
After that she slowly moves towards me
taking of her bra and revealing her
breasts. Then dancing around me draping
herself over me, then she...
RYAN
I think that's enough we don't won't to
see you come.
ROACH
What?
RYAN
You've built this girl up to a person she
could never be and you are happier with
you fantasy of her.
ROACH
What if she isn't as good as I think.
That is what I'm scared about.
JIM
You are scared that this girl isn't going
to be as good as your hand.
RYAN
Is that why you haven't fucked anyone
cause your hand is better.
JIM
I haven't fucked anyone cause fucking
should be for love not just cause she is
there. I have my hand for the day to day.
Zak walks in
ZAK
Hello ladies.
RYAN
Zak I have a question.
ZAK
I am the Shag master ask away
RYAN
Do you talk during sex?
ZAK
During not before?
RYAN
During.
ZAK
No why would you talk? What do you have
to talk about you are fucking her.
RYAN
(to Jim)
See only strange odd people talk during.
ZAK
Why would you want to talk it's not as if
anything needs to be said apart from the
odd grunt.
DARWIN
Roach's going to be getting laid later on
so we are trying to give him advice.
ZAK
And you were told to talk to her during
the act?
JIM
I was saying I talk during sex.
ZAK
Know wonder you are not having any.
JIM
I'm not having any cause I'm saving
myself for the right woman.
ZAK
I've just seen the right woman. She said
she'd just had a good filling off lug.
JIM
I know he is upstairs.
ZAK
You mean you let her fuck him in your
house.
JIM
What's wrong with that?
ZAK
You need to sort this you can't let her
do this to you.
JIM
Do what?
ZAK
Treat you like this. She is fucking you
about. You are there when ever she calls.
JIM
I'm her friend.
ZAK
Then acted like it. Or go back to Kerry.
JIM
Can't she like Roach. Anyway I'd still be
with her if you hadn't taken her.
ZAK
All is fair in sex and war.
ROACH
Zak did she speak to you?
ZAK
Her mouth was full.
ROACH
I mean in general.
ZAK
She was very quiet but I'm not looking
for a bird to chat to I have mates to
talk to. I'm only looking for a woman to
have sex with and suck my dick.
JIM
Doesn't that make you shallow?
ZAK
I'm not sure but I get sex and don't have
to talk about women's shit.
ROACH
What I've learnt then is not to talk
during sex and I don't need to talk
before or after so the fact that she
doesn't talk doesn't matter.
ZAK
If you are going for sex it doesn't
matter if she is talking or not.
RYAN
All you need to say to her is come with
me and the rest will follow.
ROACH
What about the act then how do I do it?
ZAK
Are you a complete idiot you've seen porn
films?
ROACH
No.
ZAK
You've seen the sex Ed video's at school?
ROACH
I was ill that day.
ZAK
Jim put some porn on for this lad.
ROACH
I don't want to see porn.
ZAK
It sounds like you need some help.
ROACH
Isn't there some other way?
ZAK
Only hiring you a lady of the night and
if you are going to have sex later on
then you don't need her.
ROACH
Why not?
RYAN
Cause once you've had sex you aren't
going to want to do it again, for a
while.
ROACH
Shouldn't I clean the pipes before I do
it?
RYAN
Bad Idea.
DARWIN
It's not if you clean it up.
RYAN
I cleaned it up, it wasn't my fault they
always complaint about the taste.
JIM
You had a wank then left it to fester.
RYAN
I didn't leave it to fester it's just the
way it is.
ZAK
You have funny tasting spunk?
RYAN
It's my own home brew.
ZAK
Put the porn on.
JIM
What if the girls come back?
ZAK
We might get them to act it out for us.
JIM
I don't have any porn. You don't want to
see some bloke going in to some woman.
ROACH
That is what I want I need to know what
to do technically.
JIM
You don't need to know what to do you
need to know what it looks like. You have
to be everything that she has ever
dreamed about.
DARWIN
What if she has dreamed about doing it to
a hunk of a man how is he suppose to make
himself look like that.
ROACH
Fuck you.
DARWIN
Not in this life time.
ZAK
You don't want to be so nervous about all
this. It is really very easy and after
you have done it like a few times then
you are going to wonder what all the
problem was about. Doing it with Kerry
will be better cause she has a lot of
experience.
ROACH
Are you saying she is a slapper?
ZAK
One she is called Kerry and two she has
had more dick than you've masturbated.
RYAN
Not possible.
DARWIN
I just thought we can get the karaoke
machine out we can get the girls singing.
ZAK
Karaoke is always fun.
JIM
You going to stop?
ZAK
I've got to go but I might be back you
never know what I might be doing.
EXT-STREET
Kerry and Louise are walking down the road.
LOUISE
Do you think it's a good idea for me to
be seeing lug again.
KERRY
I don't know.
LOUISE
Would you do it?
KERRY
If you still feel it for him then you
have to do it.
LOUISE
I do still like him maybe ever love but I
don't want him to hurt me again.
KERRY
He will hurt you again, they always do.
LOUISE
I'd like to ask Jim what I should do but
I don't think I can.
KERRY
Why?
LOUISE
He has feelings for me but won't admit
it.
KERRY
Do you have them back for him?
LOUISE
Jim is my friend.
KERRY
That doesn't mean you can't have feelings
for him.
LOUISE
I've never looked at him in that way.
KERRY
You must have done a some point?
LOUISE
Maybe once or twice. But it's not worth
it. If anything happen it would mean me
loosing his friendship.
KERRY
Going back to lug might have the same
effect
LOUISE
I don't understand what you mean?
KERRY
Have you ever thought he won't stop
around forever.
LOUISE
I don't understand what you mean?
KERRY
If he wants you and can't have you then
he'll giving up one day cause it hurts to
much for him to watch you with other
people all the time.
LOUISE
Do you really think he'll leave me?
KERRY
I surprised he hasn't already. He isn't
the man I went out with. If he was he
wouldn't have taken it for this long let
a loan be prepared to watch it happen all
over again
LOUISE
I don't feel that way for him. I thing he
understands.
KERRY
He's man he won't.
LOUISE
Well if he doesn't then he'll have to
live with out me.
KERRY
He will but can you live without him?
Lug walks up.
LOUISE
I did before.
KERRY
Do whatever is in your heart. I'll see
you back at Jim's
LUG
What you got do?
LOUISE
I've got to make a choice
LUG
You've made it
LOUISE
I haven't done anything.
LUG
We just had sex.
LOUISE
Yes we did.
LUG
So you mad your choice.
LOUISE
No i didn't I had sex.
LUG
That is usual I sign.
LOUISE
It is.
LUG
So lets go and have some more.
LOUISE
I can't I need space.
LUG
Why do you need space?
LOUISE
I just do and if you love me you'll give
me it
LUG
You mean you need space to see if you
want ass clown Jim. Well let me tell you
something.
LOUISE
What?
LUG
You don't need space you need me. And if
you can't see that then I don't want you.
LOUISE
You are not pulling this shit again
making me think that it was my fault we
broke up.
LUG
Stop all the messing about and pick now.
LOUISE
Get out of my life. I don't know who I
want but what I do know is I don't want
you.
LUG
I see you then.
Lug works off. Louise starts to cry.
INT-JIM'S LIVING ROOM
Louise and the rest of the girls come in
LOUISE
So, did you find something interesting to
do?
JIM
You could describe it as that.
LOUISE
Why what is it?
RYAN
It's something that is far better after a
few drinks.
DARWIN
Its not something you want to do sober.
ROACH
You might regret it in the morning
LOUISE
Are we all going to do it?
DARWIN
Yes.
LOUISE
Do I get to keep my clothes on?
DARWIN
Only if you want.
LOUISE
Let me get this it's something we all can
do I get to keep my clothes on but I
might regret it in the morning.
JIM
Any ideas.
KERRY
Karaoke!
ROACH
Not just a pretty face.
Kerry walks out
ROACH(CONT'D)
Why she doing that?
LOUISE
Just leave her she'll come round
ROACH
I've heard that before.
VICKY
Who's singing first?
RYAN
Me.
VICKY
What you going to sing?
RYAN
I don't know.
JIM
I'll just put something on.
Ryan sings can't get enough of your love.
VICKY
My turn
Vicky Sings "could have been"
ROACH
(to Jim)
I'm going to go and see her
JIM
Talk to her she will talk back.
Ron leaves
LOUISE
(to Jim)
His he going to sort it out?
JIM
We all have to sort stuff out at some
point.
LOUISE
When you going to sort it out?
JIM
When I think I have to.
INT-JIM'S KITCHEN
ROACH
Hi
KERRY
Hi
ROACH
You alright?
KERRY
Ye. You?
ROACH
I'm OK how's your...
KERRY
How's my what?
ROACH
Your life?
KERRY
Good.
ROACH
What have you been doing?
KERRY
Stuff.
ROACH
Any think worth telling me about?
KERRY
I don't think so.
ROACH
Why is this so hard?
KERRY
Don't know.
ROACH
You do think this is hard?
KERRY
A little.
ROACH
It's more than a little hard.
KERRY
If you say so.
ROACH
Is it true do you like me?
KERRY
Yes.
ROACH
A little or a lot.
KERRY
You know I like you.
ROACH
Why haven't you ever said anything?
KERRY
I didn't think you'd like me.
ROACH
Why not?
KERRY
I don't know.
ROACH
You know I like you.
KERRY
I never thought you would.
ROACH
Why wouldn't I you are amazing, you know
all this sounds better in my head.
KERRY
It sounds all right to me.
ROACH
What next?
KERRY
What do you mean?
ROACH
What do we do now?
KERRY
What do you want to do?
ROACH
I don't know I'm new to this girls don't
usually fancy me.
KERRY
Well I do.
ROACH
This would be better if I didn't liked
you.
KERRY
I'm going to go back in the other room.
ROACH
OK Send Ryan in will you.
KERRY
See you in a bit.
Kerry walks out Ryan walks in
ROACH
She doesn't seem very responsive.
RYAN
Why what did you say?
ROACH
I haven't really talked to her you know
we have only said hello and now we have
to have sex.
RYAN
You don't have to talk to have sex, we
have just been though this.
ROACH
Correct but sex would be good but I'd
just like a conversation.
RYAN
You are so fucking sad.
ROACH
I am a little. What I'm looking for in
Kerry is a connection.
RYAN
You are not going to find that with her.
ROACH
Why?
RYAN
She isn't that type of girl.
ROACH
What type of girl is she then?
RYAN
She is one that will make you happy for a
short while.
ROACH
So if I go with her I'm just doing it for
the sex.
RYAN
Which is what I've been saying all day.
ROACH
I suppose the sex would be good.
INT-JIM'S LIVING ROOM
Meatloaf "I would do anything for love but I won't do that
starts to play". Louise gets up and walks out.
JIM
I should take that song out of my
collection. I'm going after her.
DARWIN
Look at them two
TIFFANY
Do you think they are ever going to get
it on?
DARWIN
Why do want a go with Louise if she
doesn't want him?
TIFFANY
You know I'm not gay.
DARWIN
I thought you and Marie, isn't that why
she had to move away?
TIFFANY
She moved away cause we were getting it
on and her parents didn't like it but I
don't have to be gay all my life.
DARWIN
You mean you bat for both sides
TIFFANY
It's called choice.
DARWIN
What's it like being with a woman?
TIFFANY
You a member of the V club?
DARWIN
No I lost it a long time ago but you know
what I mean.
TIFFANY
I do all men are all the same. You have
know idea what love is do you?
DARWIN
Of course I do but you know what I'm
talking about I'm talking about how do
you have sex when you can't put it in
each other.
TIFFANY
You just sound more and more stupid, let
me explain to you.
DARWIN
Go on I want to know.
TIFFANY
What I'm about to tell you will change
your life.
DARWIN
This sounds even more interesting should
I take notes?
TIFFANY
You might need to. When you make love,
I'm talking about love not sex. Love is
when you are there with the other person
cause you both want it, you want to share
the most importance private part of your
life with this person and you are willing
to let them see all your weakness in one
go.
DARWIN
When I'm doing it, I'm not week.
TIFFANY
Right when you are doing it but when you
are doing it you are not in love with the
person you are doing it for the enjoyment
of the moment but when you are making
love then you let it all go.
DARWIN
So, when you are with a woman for sex you
are just enjoying the moment.
TIFFANY
Right.
DARWIN
So how do you enjoy it are we talking
like a fanny rub?
TIFFANY
If you want to get down to it then yes, a
fanny rub would be enjoyment of the
moment but when you make love, you could
do the same. Do you ever watch the
wrestling?
DARWIN
Sometimes but only for the women.
TIFFANY
Your secret is safe with me. But you know
it's fixed.
DARWIN
Never?
TIFFANY
Well I hate to break it to you but it is.
They don't rehearse it's all made up on
the spot. They know what they are doing
like you do when you are making love, you
know what you are doing but you didn't
sit down at the beginning and say this is
what we will do.
DARWIN
Your are saying that normal sex, sex for
the moment, is like a every week match
but making love is like the main events
on the pay for views.
TIFFANY
You've got it and some of the main events
are amazing like making love.
DARWIN
So, let me get this right you're saying
then it doesn't matter who you are with
as long as it's good.
TIFFANY
Right it doesn't matter who you are with
as long as you are with them for the
right reason so even though I was with
Marie. I was with her for the love for
the main event moment, now I might be
able to get it with anyone as long as we
are compatible.
DARWIN
Are you telling me I could be gay?
TIFFANY
As long as it feels right for you then
you might be.
DARWIN
Fuck is I.
TIFFANY
You never know when the main event is
coming.
EXT-JIM'S GARDEN
Louise is standing outside Jim walks up
LOUISE
Would you?
JIM
Do what?
LOUISE
Any thing for love?
JIM
Yes, Would you?
LOUISE
I don't know. If you are doing it then
you risk getting hurt.
JIM
You might get hurt but you might become
happier than you thought possible.
LOUISE
But it doesn't work out like that.
JIM
You haven't met the right one then.
LOUISE
I've only ever let one person in and they
hurt me.
JIM
Do you still love him?
LOUISE
You never stop loving them do you?
JIM
You never do.
LOUISE
No one else understands that like you.
JIM
I don't think they would.
LOUISE
I told him I didn't want anything more to
do with him.
JIM
And you are wondering if you did the
right thing?
LOUISE
Am I?
JIM
You have to do what you think is right.
LOUISE
What would you do?
JIM
I would go for it if it felt right you
have to chase the rainbow.
LOUISE
You coming back in.
JIM
I'm going to think here for a minute
(sits down on the floor)
Louise walks off
INT-JIM'S KITCHEN
LOUISE
Hi Roach what are you doing in here?
ROACH
Trying to avoid Kerry.
LOUISE
I thought you liked her, you know she
likes you.
ROACH
I heard it but I don't believe it.
LOUISE
Why not?
ROACH
Would you?
LOUISE
If Kerry told me she liked me then know I
wouldn't but I'm a girl.
ROACH
You know what I mean she is a beautiful
attractive young woman, why in the fuck
would she like me?
LOUISE
I have never tried to work out why you
like someone it always just happens.
ROACH
When I see someone I know straight away
if I want them.
LOUISE
And did you feel like that when you saw
Kerry?
ROACH
You can't tell anyone this but
(Pause)
I loved her the moment I saw her I just
never thought in my wildest dreams she
would ever like me back.
LOUISE
And now you are scared?
ROACH
I'm not scared about her liking me it's
the fact she just wants to have sex with
me and I want more.
LOUISE
You might get more.
ROACH
Not if I'm shit in bed.
LOUISE
And are you going to be shit?
ROACH
Wouldn't know.
LOUISE
Well I'm sure if you are shit, she won't
be to mean.
ROACH
Aren't you suppose to say it won't matter
she with love me for me.
LOUISE
And if we were talking about a normal
girl then I would but you do have to pick
the weirdest girl in the world.
ROACH
You are not very nice to your friend.
LOUISE
She is you have to notice it? She doesn't
say any thing at all, but has had more
dick than me.
ROACH
That much.
LOUISE
Fuck off.
ROACH
Do you see us having a future?
LOUISE
Go in there ask her to go upstairs and if
you are shit, you are shit and that will
be that and if you're good she might keep
you.
ROACH
So, I should go and ask her to fuck me?
LOUISE
Yes.
ROACH
I'm going to, I just need a drink first.
INT-JIM'S LIVING ROOM
Zak walks in the room
DARWIN
What are you doing back?
RYAN
I thought you were off doing Betty.
ZAK
I was until…
RYAN
Until what?
ZAK
I don't want to start again.
DARWIN
Tells all about it. Did you have it in
her at the time?
RYAN
No. No. No. All the time you are so
disgusting, we don't want to know if he
was in her. Think about it, think about
the thought of him in her, and then tell
me you want to know.
DARWIN
I was only asking.
RYAN
Think about.
DARWIN
Err why have you done that you made me
think about is dick.
RYAN
See.
DARWIN
Now all I'm going to be able to think
about for the rest of the day is his
dick.
ZAK
It could be worst.
DARWIN
How?
ZAK
It could be your dick.
DARWIN
And what would be wrong with that?
ZAK
You'd get depressed.
DARWIN
Why would I?
ZAK
Due to its lack of size.
DARWIN
My dick does not lack size.
RYAN
It lacks in something.
DARWIN
Maybe a little bit of width but not
length.
ZAK
I do not want to know.
DARWIN
But really how wide does it have to be?
RYAN
It depends on what you are trying to
fill.
ZAK
But if it's a pinhole, it's too big for
your pencil penis.
DARWIN
I don't have a pencil penis.
RYAN
Sure, you don't penny.
DARWIN
My last girlfriend who was called penny
didn't mind.
ZAK
You never had sex with her.
DARWIN
And you haven't had sex today.
ZAK
I have.
DARWIN
But you said.
ZAK
It was during the second time she started
to go on.
DARWIN
What did she say?
ZAK
Well.
RYAN
You've done it now.
DARWIN
What?
RYAN
Wide him up and let him go.
ZAK
She asked me to go out clubbing with her
tonight.
DARWIN
And what's wrong with that?
ZAK
What's wrong with it? What's right with
it? It is every thing that is wrong with
the world.
DARWIN
How can you make a statement like that?
ZAK
Have you ever been?
DARWIN
Never been Alan.
RYAN
Who's Alan?
DARWIN
Never mind.
ZAK
If you had been you'd know what I mean.
People are there to get to out of their
heads to have sex.
DARWIN
And what's wrong with wanting to be drunk
and having sex, we are getting drunk?
ZAK
It's not just the drinking it's loud,
it's not cool, take the people who are
there they are there cause they have
nothing better to do.
DARWIN
You are saying that these people are
their cause it's the best thing they have
to do.
ZAK
I'm saying they are there cause they
think it's a good time but they wouldn't
know what a good time was if it came and
bit them on the ass.
DARWIN
How do you know that there aren't having
a good time?
ZAK
You can't when there are so many people,
music that loud and beer that expensive.
DARWIN
I'm still not getting it.
RYAN
Let it go.
ZAK
What aren't you getting?
DARWIN
How do you know these people aren't
having the time of their lives.
ZAK
If you have to go to these places for
what you call fun you don't know what fun
is.
DARWIN
I'm just going to believe you.
ZAK
You go with my girlfriend tonight and
then tell me it's fun.
DARWIN
But your girl has to like it.
ZAK
She is just too dumb to know any
different
DARWIN
All the thousands of people go out every
day are to dumb to know any different.
Jim walks in
ZAK
You agree with me don't you?
JIM
About what?
DARWIN
Zak says Clubs are bad and only dumb
people go.
JIM
And you don't believe him.
DARWIN
What I can't believe is so many people
would go if it were shit.
JIM
What we are saying is these people don't
know anything any better.
DARWIN
But what is better?
JIM
Anything, once these people have found
anything else to do they never go back.
DARWIN
I'm just going to say OK but I
RYAN
Don't finishes it they'll never shut up
Louise walks in
LOUISE
Shut up about what?
RYAN
No please.
ZAK
About Club's being the evil pure and
simple evil.
LOUISE
There not evil they are very boring after
you've been there more than an hour, this
is better a least you can here your self
talk.
Kerry walks in and sits down
DARWIN
You like clubbing Kerry, why?
RYAN
Let it go.
DARWIN
Not until I've worked it out.
KERRY
I do like it but why cause it gives you
something to do.
JIM
You could sleep.
KERRY
And it stops you turning into an old man
like these two.
INT-OUTSIDE JIM'S LIVING ROOM
ROACH
Kerry come here.
KERRY
What?
ROACH
You like me?
KERRY
Yes
ROACH
Do you want to kiss me?
KERRY
Maybe.
ROACH
Is that a yes or no?
KERRY
It's a maybe.
ROACH
A maybe yes or a maybe no?
KERRY
It's a maybe yes.
ROACH
Well.
KERRY
Well what?
ROACH
Are you going to kiss me?
KERRY
Maybe.
ROACH
Not maybe it's a simple question yes or
no?
KERRY
Why do you want to kiss me?
ROACH
Don't know.
KERRY
Is it cause I like you.
ROACH
No.
KERRY
Then what it's a simple question.
ROACH
I want to kiss you cause I've always
wanted to it's a dream, one of my goals
in life to kiss a beautiful woman.
KERRY
Then why pick me?
ROACH
Cause you are the image of beauty.
Rob walks in. Kerry kisses Ron
ROB
What in the fuck are you doing?
ROACH
Shit. Fuck. Wanker. Ass hole. Cunt.
KERRY
What are you doing here?
ROB
I asked first.
ROACH
I think you should leave.
ROB
I'm not talking to you go an wait in
there little boy.
KERRY
You best go.
INT-JIM'S LIVING ROOM
Ron walks back in to the living room
JIM
Are you ever going to ask her?
ROACH
I was about to but Rob turned up.
DARWIN
This is why you should lock your door it
will stop people walking in without
invites.
JIM
It'd mean I'd have to get up to get the
door.
ROACH
But he wouldn't be here now and I'd be
having sex, at this very moment.
RYAN
I don't think you would be.
TIFFANY
Do you want my advice, let her go.
ROACH
But sex.
TIFFANY
It's only sex and you'll get it sometime.
INT-OUTSIDE JIM'S LIVING ROOM
ROB
Are you going to tell me what was going
on?
KERRY
What did it look like?
ROB
It looked liked you where replacing me
again.
KERRY
Isn't that what we use each other for.
ROB
Not me, not anymore. I love you and I
want you to be with me forever.
(Gets down on one knee)
Will you marry me?
KERRY
What!
ROB
I want you to be my wife. I don't want to
share you.
KERRY
Why today? Why now?
ROB
Cause it's how I feel.
KERRY
But.
ROB
But nothing.
Ron walks out the room in to the hallway
Marry me.
ROACH
Sorry.
Ron walks out the front door
KERRY
Now look what you've done.
ROB
You are telling me you care about him?
KERRY
At the moment more than I do for you.
ROB
If that is how you feel.
KERRY
It is I want you to get out of my life
for good.
ROB
You'll be back to me, admit it.
KERRY
Not this time, I'm not having you destroy
my life again.
ROB
What do you mean again?
KERRY
You know what I mean. Now get out.
ROB
I didn't destroy your life.
KERRY
You did, you do every time I get close to
happiness you have to turn up and spoil
it and you are not this time now.
(Shouting)
NOW LEAVE.
ROB
You know where I am.
Rob leaves. Kerry walks back in to the living room with tears
in her eyes
INT-JIM'S LIVING ROOM
LOUISE
What happen?
KERRY
He asked me to marry him. Why today?
DARWIN
Roach asked you to marry him? Fuck he is
messed up.
KERRY
Not Roach, Rob.
RYAN
What's happen to Roach?
KERRY
I don't know he came out in the middle
and left.
DARWIN
I've done that a few times.
RYAN
I'll go and find him. But I need to know
do you love him?
KERRY
I can't say we don't know each other.
RYAN
You know how you feel. Like Jim feels it
for Louise.
JIM
Nice.
RYAN
Everyone knows you love her, even she
fucking knows you do. Now Kerry tell me
cause if I find him he'll need to know.
KERRY
I feel something for him but if it's love
I'm not sure.
RYAN
That's good enough. I will be back in a
bit.
JIM
I'll come to.
Jim and Ryan leave and kerry walks in to the kitchen. Louise
and Vicky go with her.
DARWIN
How come I end up in a room with only
dick and no pussy.
ZAK
You have a phobia of dick.
DARWIN
I don't I just want sex.
ZAK
Already done it today.
DARWIN
And you could be getting it now if you
just said OK.
ZAK
It would have been against my principles.
DARWIN
But I still don't see why?
ZAK
Cause it kills off independent thought.
DARWIN
How?
ZAK
When you go to a club you are told what
to wear, what to drink and what to do.
DARWIN
You aren't told what to do.
ZAK
You are. You are going there to have sex.
DARWIN
You have sex so what is wrong with going
there to get it.
ZAK
I do it cause I want to and not just
cause it's what's expected off me.
DARWIN
You are saying Roach wants sex cause
people think it is the right thing to do.
ZAK
It is peer pressure and the lack of
independent thought shown by today's
youth.
DARWIN
You are so old.
ZAK
Why cause I have a little bit of
intelligence.
DARWIN
Do you pull woman with your intelligence?
ZAK
Not really I normally say hello do you
want to come with.
Betty walks in
BETTY
And that's when your life gets destroyed
ZAK
I'm not that bad.
BETTY
Want a bet?
ZAK
If you had a brain.
BETTY
If I had a brain, if you could just open
your mind to new possibilities.
ZAK
It's not new possibilities it's the end
of sensible thought.
BETTY
If you go you might enjoy it.
ZAK
Why do I need to go when I've already
pulled you.
BETTY
You don't just go to pull.
ZAK
If you want to have a drink then there is
a beer here.
BETTY
Say you'll come with me tomorrow and that
will be it.
ZAK
OK but you've got to.
He whispers in her ear
BETTY
Kinky.
Betty and Zak leave
DARWIN
And I am left with know one.
TIFFANY
I'm still here.
DARWIN
And you are of the gay.
TIFFANY
We have been through this I might not be
gay I'm looking for the same as the rest
of you the right thing.
DARWIN
Do you want to go and find out if I'm the
right thing.
TIFFANY
OK.
DARWIN
Result.
EXT-STREET ROADSIDE
Ryan sees Ron sitting on the side of the road
RYAN
You really do sit in some dumb ass
places.
ROACH
I was thinking of sitting in the middle.
RYAN
Not wise.
ROACH
Why cause I'd die a virgin?
RYAN
No cause you'd die.
ROACH
Not much left to live for.
RYAN
You really need help.
ROACH
What?
RYAN
You are going to try and kill yourself
just cause you can't get this girl.
ROACH
I'm going to do it cause my life is
pointless.
RYAN
Give it a point then.
ROACH
Why?
RYAN
Cause that is what you have to do. It's
called life.
ROACH
And life sucks.
RYAN
Why does it suck?
ROACH
I'm going to loose out to Rob and I'm so
much better than him.
RYAN
You aren't know one is better than anyone
else. You are different. You are and I'm
not gay for saying this but you are a
nicer bloke.
ROACH
It don't matter I'm still going to loose
out to him.
RYAN
You're not, she is there waiting for you.
ROACH
She is really waiting for me?
RYAN
Yes.
ROACH
Why didn't you say, lets go.
RYAN
And they say I'm the shallow one.
INT-JIM'S LIVING ROOM
RYAN
There she is. Now go get her.
ROACH
I'm going to get her.
RYAN
Vicky come with me
Vicky gets up and walks up stairs with Ryan
ROACH
Kerry is it true?
KERRY
Is what true?
ROACH
Do you love me?
KERRY
Yes
Kerry kisses Ron.
ROACH
You are amazing.
KERRY
I can do more.
ROACH
Do I get to find out?
KERRY
If you want to come up stairs.
ROACH
What do I get?
KERRY
All you have ever wanted and a little bit
more.
ROACH
Just a little bit.
INT-JIM'S BEDROOM
KERRY
Let me go and slip in to something more
comfortable
Kerry walks into the wardrobe
Kerry walks out wearing only a robe and underwear.
KERRY(CONT'D)
Do you like it?
ROACH
It looks super.
KERRY
Super.
ROACH
How nerdy am I. I mean amazing, lovely,
great, nice, beautiful, exquisite.
KERRY
Just sit back and relax
(Kerry undoes Ron's jeans)
ROACH
What are you doing?
KERRY
Just getting you warmed up.
ROACH
Before we carry on, I have to tell you
I've never done this before.
KERRY
You are still a virgin.
ROACH
Sadly. So, I don't know what to do. I
have been researching the topic today but
it's not like the real thing.
KERRY
I'll show you the way.
ROACH
You are the most amazing.
KERRY
Thank you. You are so nice I wish all my
boyfriends were as nice as you.
ROACH
What should I do?
KERRY
Stand up over there.
(Ron stands up)
Strip.
ROACH
I haven't got to do a dance.
KERRY
I just want you naked.
ROACH
All the way including my pants.
KERRY
Unless you are going to fuck me with them
on.
Ron takes off is clothes and stands naked in front of Kerry
KERRY(CONT'D)
Now walk over to the bed and sit.
Ron walks over to the bed
ROACH
Do I need to make notes?
KERRY
Right as your sex instructor. When we are
like this just before we are going to do
it don't talk crap no matter how nervous
you are.
ROACH
Sorry.
Ron sits on the bed and Kerry straddles him
KERRY
Right now, get your hand and put it here.
Kerry takes Ron's hand and puts it on her breasts.
ROACH
OH!!!!
KERRY
You're not going to cum on me are you? I
don't want seaman over me, yet anyway.
ROACH
When we are about to have sex no talking
shit.
KERRY
Let me take this off.
(Kerry slips off her robe)
Take off my bra.
ROACH
Jackpot.
Ron reaches round and undoes her bra with one hand and slides
it off.
KERRY
You never done this before?
ROACH
Beginners luck.
KERRY
Get in to bed.
Ron gets in to bed
ROACH
You going to join me?
KERRY
Look away while I take off my pants.
ROACH
Why?
KERRY
You can't see me naked.
ROACH
Why not? When we are doing it, won't I
see you?
KERRY
You will but it's not the same. If you
see me standing here, I will lose all my
dignity.
ROACH
I'm not looking.
Kerry gets into bed
What now?
KERRY
Come on top of me.
ROACH
What about foreplay?
KERRY
What about it?
ROACH
Shouldn't we. I was reading today and it
said foreplay is an important part of sex
KERRY
And it is.
ROACH
So shell I do it.
KERRY
Lets just start with sex then we can move
on to other stuff.
ROACH
Why?
KERRY
Don't ask so many questions just come
over here.
ROACH
Now what?
KERRY
Haven't you ever seen a sex education
video or a porn film.
ROACH
I just wanted to check you were ready.
KERRY
I'm ready. Take me.
Kerry lies down on her back. Ron gets on top. Ron starts
fumbling around. He puts his hand down under the covers and
reaches downward. He pulls a face of confusion. His tongue
comes out of the side of his mouth.
KERRY(CONT'D)
What's the problem?
ROACH
I know the door is open but I can't get
it in. Do I need a key?
KERRY
Just pop it in.
ROACH
Hang on I'll be with you in a minute
KERRY
I'm not going anywhere... OH! NOT THAT
HOLE
(Pause)
Not yet anyway.
ROACH
You mean we get to use that hole.
KERRY
Don't rush. Let me have a go.
Kerry puts her hand under the cover
ROACH
And I'm in. I'm having sex. Way Hay. Go
me. I'm know longer a virgin. This is the
moment I become man. I have reached the
end of my quest.
KERRY
Are you going to just celebrate or are
you going to start doing it.
ROACH
What do I do is it just in and out.
Ron starts moving backwards and forwards on top of Kerry
KERRY
That's it. Good keep it up. Oh oh oh. Not
bad.
ROACH
I like this. I should have done it
before.
KERRY
Oh oh oh Oh. You are good. Just keep up
the pace.
Ron stops
ROACH
It's seems I've popped out.
KERRY
Just put it back in and will start again.
INT-JIM'S BEDROOM 3
BETTY
This is perverse.
ZAK
I only want you to do a strip to theme
tune to Danger mouse.
BETTY
But it's odd.
ZAK
If you want me to go to the club, do it.
INT-JIM'S BEDROOM 2
RYAN
So what do you want to do?
VICKY
I was thinking we could kiss.
RYAN
OK I'm easy.
VICKY
You are telling me.
RYAN
I'm not as easy as you are.
VICKY
And what do you mean by that?
RYAN
You just came up here with out me having
to do anything.
VICKY
You wanted me to come.
RYAN
I wanted you to make me come.
VICKY
Conversation lowered.
RYAN
I think this is raising me.
VICKY
Let me see.
(She looks down)
Oh yes now what should we do with that.
INT-JIM'S BEDROOM 4
TIFFANY
Ready.
DARWIN
Ready for what?
TIFFANY
For you.
DARWIN
And I'm ready for you.
TIFFANY
Wait.
DARWIN
Changing your mine?
TIFFANY
I'm not but I haven't done this with a
man for a long time.
DARWIN
Let's just start by kissing.
TIFFANY
Who said you would get more than kissing.
DARWIN
Me.
They start kissing
INT-JIM'S LIVING ROOM
JIM
We need to talk.
LOUISE
Do we?
JIM
I have to tell you how I feel.
Lug walks in to the room with Louise and Jim
JIM(CONT'D)
You'd think I'd lock the door
LUG
What are you doing?
JIM
You talking to me or her?
LUG
Her.
LOUISE
What do you want?
LUG
I want you.
LOUISE
I don't want you I can't let you hurt me
again and you would.
LUG
I wouldn't you have to believe me.
LOUISE
I don't.
JIM
I don't believe you either and I think
you should go.
LUG
Outside now.
JIM
Why cause she doesn't want you?
LUG
No cause I don't like you.
Lug walks out of the room
JIM
I should go.
LOUISE
You know he'll beat you.
JIM
Go and get the others.
INT-JIM'S BEDROOM 2
Louise walks in to the room
RYAN
Err can someone pass me a towel.
LOUISE
Sorry but Jim needs your help.
RYAN
Why?
LOUISE
Lug has come to beat him up.
RYAN
Why this time?
LOUISE
You know lug he can't take it when I tell
him it's over.
RYAN
Give me a few seconds, go and get Darwin
Louise walks along to the next room
INT-JIM'S BEDROOM 3
LOUISE
I thought you were gay?
TIFFANY
I still might be.
DARWIN
Did you come to join us or do you want to
watch?
LOUISE
Jim needs help.
DARWIN
Why didn't you say?
LOUISE
Come on then.
Louise goes alone to the next door
INT-JIM'S BEDROOM 4
LOUISE
Men are so sad.
ZAK
Did you just come here to insult me?
LOUISE
Jim is going to get beaten up by lug.
ZAK
Lets go.
They all meet in the hall
DARWIN
Aren't you going to get Roach?
LOUISE
I've seen him naked, you getting it on
with a lesbian and this man have a woman
pole dance to tune from a cartoon; I
don't want to know what Roach is doing.
EXT-OUTSIDE JIM'S HOUSE ON THE DRIVEWAY
LUG
Come on.
JIM
You don't really want to fight me.
LUG
I do.
JIM
It's not going to get her back.
LUG
It'll make me feel better.
JIM
What is the chance of me beating you?
LUG
Zero.
JIM
Same as the highest number you can count
to.
Lug comes for Jim
LUG
Kill.
JIM
Lads.
ZAK
We are here.
JIM
Just in the nick off time.
LUG
Still going to kill you.
JIM
You can have a free punch at me but you
have to let me hit you after.
LUG
OK
Lug punches Jim. Jim hits the floor
JIM
That really stings.
LUG
Your turn.
JIM
It's alright you can go.
LUG
You must hit me.
JIM
I don't want to.
LOUISE
But I do.
Louise punches Lug he hits the floor
LOUISE(CONT'D)
Now leave me a fucking alone.
LUG
Fuck off bitch.
LOUISE
I'm a bitch now just cause I wouldn't go
with you. You are always the same if you
don't get your own way you turn nasty.
Lug walks off
DARWIN
You mean I stopped having sex for that.
TIFFANY
We weren't having sex.
DARWIN
We would have been.
TIFFANY
We still can.
INT-JIM'S BEDROOM
KERRY
You finished?
ROACH
Yes was I good?
KERRY
You were (PAUSE) OK
ROACH
Only OK
KERRY
What do you want?
ROACH
I don't know some sort of scoring, marks
out of ten.
KERRY
I've never been asked to mark anyone but
all right let me see what do I give you
I'd give you a 9 for enthusiasm. A 5 for
style. A 8 for turning me on.
ROACH
Only a 5 for style.
KERRY
Overall, I'd say you are 7 out of ten
ROACH
And what's the pass mark?
KERRY
I don't know. I don't think there is a
pass mark.
ROACH
Do I get a cigarette isn't that what
happens after sex?
KERRY
You can always have a smoke after sex.
It's the only time it's not bad for you
to smoke.
ROACH
Very ironic.
KERRY
It is isn't it? Don't you hate it when
people say everything is ironic? When
irony is when what you are saying is
completely the opposite to what the truth
is. And it's not.
ROACH
You just keep surprising me. I'd never
have thought you would have any idea of
what irony was.
KERRY
Why cause I'm shy, it doesn't mean I
don't know stuff.
ROACH
You are intelligent and beautiful, why
are you shy you should be confident.
KERRY
I'm scared people only like me cause of
the way I look and not for the real me.
ROACH
So it's just easier for you to say
nothing and let shit happen.
KERRY
Right.
ROACH
Doesn't that mean you'll never be for
filled.
KERRY
I'll have to wait and see you might just
do it.
INT-JIM'S LIVING ROOM
JIM
Good shot remind me not to piss you off.
LOUISE
Are you all right he hit you hard?
JIM
I'm tough.
Ron walks in.
JIM(CONT'D)
How did it go?
ROACH
I'm no longer a boy.
DARWIN
Did you do well?
ROACH
She gave me a mark of 7 overall.
RYAN
7 for the first time.
ZAK
Not bad but I always get a ten.
JIM
(To Louise)
I still need to talk to you come with me.
They walk in to Jim's Kitchen
INT-JIM'S KITCHEN
JIM
Sometimes you have to say what the shit.
LOUISE
What?
JIM
I don't want to say this cause it will
destroy our friendship, all that I have
with you. But I have to tell you, I love
you. You are the single greatest person I
have ever met you make the rest of the
people look normal.
(Pause)
I know you don't really want to here it
but I had to tell you.
(Pause)
I had hoped in my heart that you feel the
same but know he my head you don't.
(Pause)
I know you didn't want to hear it but I
couldn't carry on the way we are it was
driving me up the wall.
LOUISE
I don't see you anything more than a
really good friend. I hope this doesn't
seem heartless but you know me and you
know what I'm like. And if I did it would
destroy our friendship.
JIM
So that's it. This hurts so much.
LOUISE
Don't say that it makes me feel bad.
JIM
The hurt is what I need it will push me
forward.
LOUISE
You can't love me any way.
JIM
What?
LOUISE
What we have isn't love.
JIM
You can't tell me what I'm feeling.
LOUISE
I can you only think that you love me
cause of the way I make you feel.
JIM
The way you make me feel the way I am
when I'm around you. That is why I love
you.
LOUISE
But that isn't love, that is friendship.
JIM
I want more than that I want to share
every moment with you I want to wake up
to next you. I want to holed you close, I
want to be with you.
LOUISE
We can't be like that you don't love me.
JIM
I do. You might not love me, you might
not want me you might never look at me in
the same way as you do when you love some
one but I need to move on one way or the
other. I don't want you to say you love
me but I want to know to you want to be
with me?
LOUISE
I can't, you know I can't be like that I
can't deal.
JIM
The time to deal is now.
LOUISE
You are pushing me away.
JIM
Or pulling you closer.
LOUISE
I need time.
JIM
You need any thing but time. You need to
make a choice now. Make it in a heart
beat don't think about it just do it.
LOUISE
But.
JIM
Do it.
LOUISE
Now.
JIM
Walk away and friends we stay or take the
chance run the risk. You know I'll never
hurt you.
LOUISE
I must walk away and stay friends I can't
risk getting hurt.
JIM
You don't find me attractive do you?
LOUISE
I do but to risk this when we are good as
we are.
JIM
Take a chance on the moment.
LOUISE
What happens when it ends? When I can't
give you back the feelings you have for
me?
JIM
I don't want anything from you.
LOUISE
But.
JIM
No more come over here and kiss me or
walk out that door and we are friends..
LOUISE
Kiss or the door.
JIM
Yes.
LOUISE
I'm going to...
(She walks over to Jim and
kisses him)
Kiss you.
JIM
This means.
LOUISE
It means I will try and hope it works
out.
JIM
Lets hope so.
INT-JIM'S LIVING ROOM
Louise and Jim walk in
ZAK
You sort it?
JIM
It has been done.
Brain walks in
BRAIN
You would not believe the day I've had.
Have I missed much here.
ROACH
Me getting laid and getting a girlfriend
DARWIN
Me getting it on with a lesbian.
RYAN
Me getting it on with Vicky.
LOUISE
I found out sometimes you have to take a
risk.
BRAIN
Just a normal day then. Got any beer?
JIM
Drink to the future?
LOUISE
The future.
JIM
What a day it's been time to drink a beer
and party.
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