The DJ and Line 5.
by
Kevin Brown
WGA #tbd

Kevin Brown
11448 Brawley Rd
Oak Hills, CA 9234
760-956-5980
kevinbrown33@verizon.net
fade in:
A small fm station broadcast studio. THE BRO, MALE 40’S, sits at the microphone taking a long drag off a cigarette. HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. JEREMY, MALE 20’S, the Bro’s sidekick has one headphone on and writes on a piece of paper, “LINE 4, GIRLS WANTS TO TRY HER FIRST BI EXPERIENCE”.
THE BRO
Hello, line 4, and welcome everybody to 99.9 fm radio, this is the bro, with all your romantic and relationship needs, wants, and answers. I have a little girl on calling in…what’s your name honey?
bi-girl
I’m Suzy.
the bro
Suzy-q??? Because you have a question, why don’t you share it with all our regular listeners?
bi-girl
Umm, I keep seeing hot chicks, and was wondering if I should, you know, dive in?
the bro
The bro only has one answer for girl on girl. Yes on yes. Do you have someone in mind, I can come over with a camera, some lotion, and a tissue if you want to record this special moment?
jeremy
Hey Bro, don’t forget me, I want to help too.
the bro
Jeremy, no one on minimum wage get’s action. And to all our listeners, remember the bro’s rules of hooking up. 1. No money no honey.  2. No bread no sled. 3. If you kiss her with your eyes closed your’e whipped. 4. Hook up kings don’t get whipped.  Take it from 99.9 the bro. Hey honey, when is this going to happen, do you have a girl in mind?
bi-girl
I work with her, but I think she has a boyfriend, but she tells me they go to bars and pickup girls and take them home to share.
the bro
Oh my god, sushi to go, bam!
jeremy
Catch and release at it’s finest.
the bro
Jeremy, don’t interrupt me, I’m on a California Roll..
Jeremy inserts various bells and whistles, sucking up to the bro.
the bro
Baby, hey, whatever you see in porn, is OK.
Jeremey inserts sounds of girl’s cumming and bad porno music.
the bro
But really. The Bro is a professional, I have a Ph.D in blasting off my rocket. And I see you want to go to the moon. Just walk up to her and say, hey, I’d like to meet up with you and your guy sometime, here’s my number, sext me.
bi-girl
Thanks bro, you are honest and straight forward, it’s the way all guys should be. 
the bro
Remember folks, 99.9, I’m the bro, you’re the ho. Be real, be straight, and listen to our sponsors commercial.
Jeremey hits some buttons, an ad for some condom starts playing. The bro takes off his headphones and hit’s the intercom ,mic to Jeremy.
the bro
Jeremy, that’s like 5 lesbo’s tonight, give me something to work with.
jeremy
You don’t like lesbo’s all of a sudden?
the bro
I need a chick with a dick problem. Let me give some soft advise or they’re gonna put us on that cable show for girls, the Ellen thing.
jeremy
Let’s see, I got a chick on 5, says her husband doesn’t pay attention to her.
the bro
Cool.  Play some soft background music, like Yanni or something.
jeremy
Put your head on, in 5,4,3,2.
Jeremy points at the bro, he clicks on line 5.
the bro
Hello Line 5, what’s your name sweetheart?
line 5
I’m, Shawna.
the bro
So tell me your problem, I can help, let the ph.d of love hit the spot other’s can’t.
line 5
Well, I’m in a relationship and my man doesn’t spend time with me, he works all night, then comes home and parties.
the bro
and the problem is??
line 5
It’s that, what you just said, no love, just washing clothes and running the kids around.
the bro.
And the problem is?
line 5
Are you going to help me bro?
the bro
I’m just kidding, we try and keep it light here. Chicks with dicks, dicks in chicks, chicks on chicks, dicks to close to dicks…
line 5
We’ll I’d pretend I’m a lesbian but I really need your advise here.
the bro
OK, the bro has on his helping hat. Let me think. Let me delve into my vast knowledge of men who don’t pay enough attention to their woman.  And the problem is???
Line 5 clicks off. Line 5 hangs up, just a dial tone.
jeremy
Oh bro! You pissed off a lonely woman, what next will you do?
the bro
I don’t know get me a lesbian on the line.
Jeremy plays girl on girl soft porn, hard rock, he points to the bro, Janie on line 3, her boyfriend won’t go down her.
the bro
Janie, good evening, I heard your man like KFC but not the clam bake, tell me more!
line 3
Hi Bro, long time listener, first time caller.
the bro
Long time fornicator, First time boner. Tell me about the problem at the clam bake.
line 3
My boyfriend won’t go down.
the bro
Well tell me honey, is there seaweed in the cove.
line 3
Hell no bro. Looks like a 12 year old.
the bro
Oh, hurt me Janie. There’s a boy on the playground wanting to play in the sand box.
More noises from Jeremy.
the bro
Let me tell you Janie. Some men, well they’re closet homosexuals. If you put a strap on and…
Jeremy starts clicking the beeping noise while we see the bro say all kind of stuff.
line 3
So you think I should dump him?
the bro
Dump the faggot. Men who don’t appreciate their woman deserve to be at the YMCA. Throw his crap out on the lawn and call the police. Then call me, I order oysters by the dozen, no (beep) I won’t hunt.
line 3
Love you bro! You’re the best!
Jeremy holds up a sign, Line 5.
line 5
Hi Bro, It’s me.
the bro.
Oh my god, did the condom break? Honey I call once but I don’t leave a message, what can the bro help you with tonight, on 99.9 LoveTime?
line
It’s Shawna. My cell phone went into a no zone.
the bro
Sounds like your love life needs a singal booster, hit me Shawna, what’s the deal? Man gone?
line 5
I think he doesn’t love me anymore.
the bro
Hmm. Sounds serious. Does he (beep) you often.
line 5
That’s not the problem, he just doesn’t seem to care. He argues with me like I’m property at the police auction.
the bro
Honey, I’m scratching my head here. Going to have to ask a few personal questions to get directly to the heart of the matter. How’s the clam bake?
line 5
Huh?
the bro
Does his truck have a diver down sticker?
line 5
That’s not important to me, I just want someone to show me the same respect I give them. Be their friend, talk to me and ask me how my day was.
The bro cues Jeremy, a bunch of loud snoring sounds plays over the music. Jeremy looks at his phone lines they are lit up, he cues the bro with a let’s go sign.
the bro
Honey, darling what is it Tanya?
line 5
Shawna, and see that’s the other problem he..
the bro
Ok, here we go Monica. If you aren’t happy kick the scum out. You sound like a nice girl. And maybe that’s your problem. Stop being a nice girl, get some spousal support, go to cougartown.com and light your roman candle, line 2!
line 2
Hi Bro. I was listening to Shawna the last caller, her man’s a jerk, you gave her great advice. 
the bro
I know I’m awesome babe, tell me your problem, and yo’ I’ll solve it, check out the hook while DJ revolves it.
Jeremy plays a quick sound bite of ice-ice baby.
line 2
I just can’t cum!
the bro
Wow, have you tried ordering a second helping from the donkey? You know they say two heads are better than one.
line 2
I’ve had three dodger dogs at the ballpark and all the batters swing too early and strike out.
Jeremy and the bro sit in silence, dumfounded. Jeremy shrugs his shoulders and looks at the bro, the bro shrugs back.
the bro
So, you say you have Charlie at the chocolate factory but noone has the golden ticket?
line 2
What the (beep) does that mean?
the bro
Baby, baby, bay, slow down I have to get that picture out of my head. You won the drag race, the bro is down for the 8 count. I just got hit by the biggest guy on the school yard. Jeremy? Add your cents, or two inches.
jeremy
Listen doll, let me step in and tag team this 99.9 style. You have everything you want, times 3. You’re orgasms happen so fast you don’t feel them. Slow down, instead of dropping the nuke, try watching the bottle rockets fly. 
line 2
So you’re saying too much of a good thing.
the bro
Honey, you are a good thing and there can’t be too much of that. Jeremy was right, and now I owe him a donut for being right, but let me top off your drink. Sometimes  less is more. It’s not the size of the Christmas tree, it’s how pretty the star is on top ? Get it?  Anyone can shoot a canon, but to hold the bow and arrow in your hand and take steady aim at the bullseye of the Big O, well, try enjoying the champagne instead of the sound of the cork popping ok?

line 2
Bro, I think you just made my oil well explode, and like the way the oil flows.
the bro
The bro thanks you, let’s go to commercial break, LoveTime on 99.9.
Jeremy plays some stupid music fill and goes to a song.

the bro
Hey Jeremy, if that stupid chick calls back, Shawna, put her on, I’m going to get her to call her man, and walk her through dumping him, on the air.
jeremy
Yeah? We’ve never done that before. What if it’s someone we know, like a rock star or something, we’ll get sued.
the bro
You can’t sue someone for dumping you.
jeremy
Commercial break off, in 5,4,3,2.
The “ON AIR” LIGHT goes back on, music fades out.
the bro
You are back on 99.9, Lovetime with the Bro, and the germ. Line 3 talk to me, you’re live.
line 3
Hi Bro, need some advice.
the bro
I got advice, and lots of opinions, some professional, some not, tell me first, do you have big (beeps)?
line 3
Huge, that’s my problem. I don’t think men respect me.  I just want to meet a nice guy and settle down.
the bro
Well, you’ll never find mr.right working at a strip club honey.
line 3
How do you know I work at a strip club?
the bro
Wild guess. But honestly, when you meet the right guy you’ll know, he’ll know.  Why the big rush doll?
line 3
I’m almost 30, I can’t stay on the pole much longer, younger broads moving in on my territory ya’ know.
the bro
I got an idea, and this is what girls told germ when he was in high school.  Date a dork.
line 3
Why a dork?
the bro
Simple. They never get laid, they make good money, and they will never leave you or cheat on you because you will be the best thing they ever touched. Hey, in las vegas in two weeks is the computer industry show. Wall to wall pocket protectors.
line 3
So I should just go stand outside and wait for the first geek to smile and take him home.
the bro
Well that would be flattering but don’t let your one trick pony out of the gate quite yet. Do some research, look for a rich geek.
Germ inserts sounds of cash registers ringing.
line 3
Now there is something I would have in common with a geek, spending his money.
the bro
And spend it you will. Call us back sexy stripper geek banger, send us a wedding invite, germ and I will come over and take care of your bridesmaids.
line 3
I am making the guest list now bro, thanks, kisses!
the bro
Hugs are fine, no mouth baby.
The bro looks down, line 5 is lit.
the bro
And we have line 5, how do you want to be done tonight?
line 5
Hi, Bro, it’s Shawna.
the bro
Shawna again? It’s like feeding a cat. Where’s this man of yours, did he call you and tell you something sweet, or is it time to drop the trash off on the street?
line 5
I wanted to work things out with him. I just want to know what you would…
the bro
I would call him right now, and tell him, get a tan or get off the beach. Be real, or be gone. Call him up Shawna, let me help you, help yourself.
line 5
You sure you want to do this?
the bro
It’s the only way, plus you’re my last call, and I like to go out like a cannon. Load the powder and let’s blow this guy away.
line 5
Ok, I am dialing his cell phone.
We hear Shawna dial, a pause, then we hear her phone ring.  Then we hear the bro’s cell phone ring.
the bro
Hey honey, get him on the phone, my girlfriend just called me and I have to say goodbye real quick.
The bro steps away from his microphone and puts down his headset. He answers his phone.
the bro
Hey babe, I am almost off work, but I am going out with the guys after work don’t stay up ok?
It’s Shawna on line 5. Shawna just called the bro.
shawna
Hey Steve? It’s Linda.
Germ sits at his console, in shock, the conversation transmits over the speaker, and over the airwaves.
int, listeners apartments, kitchens, cars. same time
Listeners turn up their radios as the bro and line 5 start to talk. The bro still doesn’t realize he is on the air.
int, 99.9, cont’d.
The bro sits on a stool in the corner. The on air light flashes in the background.
the bro
Linda, did I just ask you to call me and break up with me?
linda
I want you to know what it feels like to get dumped Steve.
the bro
But honey, it’s just a show, entertainment. I don’t have a PH.d, I do comedy.
linda
So is this funny? Because it’s on your show, and you do comedy.
the bro
Let’s talk about this when I get home, Ok.
linda
There is no more coming home Steve, you’re dumped leave me alone.  There is a cop in the lobby with divorce papers, and a restraining order, your stuff is in the driveway, in garbage bags. Anything else you want tell it to the judge OK?
The phone clicks off, the germ switches to a radio tag and advertisement.The on air light goes off.
germ
Bro, it went out over the air. It was genius.
the bro
What? 
germ
Bro, it was a live feed, you know the rules, all live feeds stay live unless a producer pulls the plug.
the bro
I just got divorced on the air?
germ
Yeah so what? Go get another bitch.
the bro
I am going outside for a smoke. We’ll call her back live in a few minutes, play an old call after the break.
germ
Ok.
The bro walks outside, a cop hands him some papers and walks away. The bro lays back on a couch in the lobby, he takes a drag from his cigarette. He takes out his cell phone and dials Linda.

The phone rings then, “the number you have called has been disconnected”, he redials but gets the same answer.
The bro walks back into the broadcast room, he puts on his headset, he cues germ.
germ
(makes hand signals, 5,4,3,2)
the bro
99.9 Lovetime, what’s your story line 1?
line 1
You got dumped fool! That was some funny (beep).(the phone clicks off)
the bro
Line 2, I got dumped how about you?
line 2
Yeah bro, I see a bunch of bags on my neighbors lawn, is that your stuff?
The bro hits line 3.
the bro
Yo peeps, Lovetime 99.9 good night and good riddance.
The bro, take soff his headset, germ ues up some rock and roll, DJ HOOK, MALE BLACK, 40’S PIMP, walks in.
hook
Yo bro, tough luck man, I was listening on the way in. Don’t sweat it, at least you ain’t in prison getting ass raped, or shot with an AK in the hood.
bro
Nice perspective Hook.
Germ and the bro walk back into the lobby. MR. GOLDMAN, MALE 60’S, SUIT, walks into the hallway. 
goldman
Bro, germ, in my office.
int, goldmans office, cont’d
Audio posters of bands on the walls, awards and trophies on his shelves. He sits behind a big desk.
the bro
Mr. Goldman, you’re in early this morning.
goldman
I got a call from corporate office, vice president was listening to your show, called me, now we have to unscrew this. Your credibility is done, you have no contract, we owe you nothing. Take your stuff and leave. Germ, you will be on afternoons with Spinister the Metal Doctor of Death.
the bro
I just got dumped, live on air, and now you’re firing me?
germ
I would prefer to stay with the bro.
goldman.
You can have afternoon tech, or a bag of shit.
germ
(stand up) Hey take care bro, good luck.
Germ shakes bro’s hand and walks out.
goldman
Now here’s what we’re really gonna do bro. We’re going to put out a big press release how you got dumped, then fired, and are living in your truck. People will rally to get you back on the air, your fans will picket the streets, advertisers will be charged double what they paid for your old show.
the bro
You want me to fall down hard, so you can pick me up and make me bigger than I ever was.
goldman
Just like when Stern got canned, every time he gets canned, he gets bigger. Are you on the gravy train or what?
the bro
What time slot?
goldman
6 to noon. Puck the Shmuck is in a coma from coke. He isn’t expected to live, we need a replacement, and this is perfect timing.
the bro
How much?
goldman.
2 million for the first year, each year after, our option 25% more up to 4 years.
the bro
OK.
goldman
Now go somewhere and get some sleep, somewhere in your car so people can see you.
the bro
(stands up)What will the new show be called?
goldman
Bro-town. We’ll put news cameras in the court, follow your divorce, hire your lawyers, entertainment at it’s worst. That’s what people want Bro, crap on their Tv and junk on their radio. Reality, pain, suffering, misery.
the bro
Catchy.
ext, radio station, dawn
Bro walks out of the station, he gets into his car and drives away. On the radio he turns on the news.
radio
Did anyone miss Lovetime last night. One of the funniest guys ever on the radio, dumped by his own wife, live, let’s hear it again!
On the radio plays the phone call, the dj’s laugh and insert rude sounds and comments.
ext, suburban home, cont’d
A mailbox says “The Bro”. Bags of trash and clothes are on the lawn. Just then a car drives by, a guy hangs his head out the window as the car slows down.
car guy
Bro you’re number one! Don’t give up, we want you back man!
The bro gives a thumbs up back at him.
int, bro’s house, cont’d
LINDA, BRO’S WIFE, SEXY 30’S, sits on the couch watching tv, we hear the news reporters voice.
news
And the bro, dumped but not forgotten, now doing the morning time slot on 99.9fm, replacing the one time media king, Puck the Shmuck, who lies in a brain dead coma at Memorial Hospital from an apparent cocaine overdose. Welcome LA to the bro-town!(applause)
Linda clicks off the TV.
linda
Hi Honey, how much did they offer you?
bro
2 million, I can’t believe they bought it. I went from fifty thousand to two million in an hour.
linda
What about the divorce?
bro
They’ll forget about it in 3 days. I got the morning time slot, I can say whatever I want. I still don’t believe this worked.
linda
The days of good tv are gone. Reality garbage, give the consumer what they want, the lowest common denominator. 
the bro
For two million I will go lower than even Puck the Schmuck.
A LONG HAIRED HIPPY TYPE comes out of another room.
hippie
Morning guys.
the bro
Morning Puck.
linda
How’s the coma?
hippie
I’ve been worse. I got a great idea for your new show, all reality radio, live broadcast, you can bring me in as some drooling idiot, I’ll talk about how drugs are so bad, and how I’ve cleaned up. It’s gotta be wortha t least 3 million.
the bro
At least.