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COLD OPEN TITLE: 1:15 PM TITLE: On a Tuesday TITLE: Philadelphia, PA 1 OVER TITLES, WE HEAR: 1 FRANK (V.O.) So, without any one else left in his crew, he walks toward the edge of the ship. FADE IN: 2 INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY 2 All of the lights are off. Frank and Charlie are sitting at the bar, with Frank holding a flashlight to his face. Dee is standing behind the bar, listening. FRANK (CONT'D) And, as the moonlight bounces off the water, the man JUMPS OFF AND PLUNGES TO HIS DEATH! Charlie stares at Frank in amazement, Dee looks disappointed. CHARLIE I...Wow! That was... Wow. DEE Frank, that wasn't a scary story, that was a story about a man who killed himself because his shipmates died of pneumonia. FRANK Exactly! It's the suspense that gets ya! CHARLIE I was scared, I mean, who wants to be on a boat alone? I sure don't. Dennis and Mac barge in a hit the lights. Dennis is holding a pamphlet and Mac is holding a binder--both excited. MAC We got it! Both walk behind the bar and join the group. FRANK Got what? DENNIS We have finally figured out how we can make some extra cash AND advertise Paddy's at the same time. Frank's interest seems peaked. Dee appears skeptical. FRANK How? MAC What has this bar always been missing? DEE Customers? MAC Yes, Dee, customers. But what do other bars have that we don't? FRANK Naked chicks. DENNIS No, Frank, food! People want food. CHARLIE That's true, people do like food. DEE How are we going to serve food? We don't even have a kitchen! MAC Well, it's simple. Dennis and I were up last night watching the Food Network, and it hit us. We get a... DENNIS AND MAC FOOD TRUCK! The two wait with eager smiles for approval. The others seem unsure. DENNIS And! MAC Here's the kicker! DENNIS We advertise Paddy's on the truck! Frank and Dee both seem to be pleased, Charlie is still unsure. MAC It's a double whammy! Charlie suddenly perks up. CHARLIE Ohhh, a double whammy! Nice, dude. FRANK I like it. DEE I actually do, too. I'm in. DENNIS No, Dee, you're going to stay in the bar while we're out on the streets. DEE Aww, come on! You always stick me in the bar. Well, you know what, fine! I'll setup a little kitchen in the back with my grill and sell food myself. Dee storms off to the back room. MAC Don't care. So (to Frank and Charlie)? You in? CHARLIE Hell yeah! FRANK Oooh! We should let Charlie cook! CHARLIE Now you're talking! MAC Cook what? Milk steaks and cat food? CHARLIE (light bulb) Milk steak! Aw man I didn't even think of that! FRANK Delicious! CHARLIE (to Frank) We could have a whole milk-based menu, man, it'd be awesome! FRANK Great idea, Charlie! DENNIS No! I will be doing the cooking. Mac will be on the streets getting customers, and you two will be in charge of sending customers to the bar. It's perfect. FRANK No one wants that pussy lettuce and fish shit you eat, Dennis. If we're gonna make money we have to appeal to the masses! MAC Well, Charlie's not cooking and thats final. FRANK Fine, then Charlie and I will start our OWN truck, Dee will cook here, and we'll see who makes the most money. DENNIS Fine! Then it's a race. First one to $1,000 in profit wins. FRANK You're on! MAC The Awesome Food Truck Race. CUT TO: 2A MAIN TITLES 2A Title: "The Awesome Food Truck Race" Title: "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" ACT ONE FADE IN: 3 EXT. BUSY PHILADELPHIA STREET - DAY 3 Dennis and Mac are standing on the sidewalk staring at a food truck with the billboard Frank made in the Billboard episode on the side of it--except Dennis's face is superimposed over Frank's and "Paddy's Pub" is spray-painted in green letters across the top. MAC Wow, dude! How did you get a food truck already? DENNIS Oh, that was the easy part, I took out a loan in Dee's name. The hard part was finding the right picture of myself to put over Frank. MAC Well, I got this sweet bullhorn for myself, and got you this. Mac reveals a chef's hat. DENNIS That is awesome, bro. Let's do this. They both stand back and admire the ad on the truck. 4 INT. PADDY'S FOODTRUCK - LATER 4 Dennis is writing on a notepad as numerous pans behind him are sizzling. Mac is wearing a green Paddy's shirt. DENNIS So, for the appetizers, I'm making a nice pan seared scallop, and a lobster ravioli. Make SURE you tell people that it is NOT gluten free. MAC Jesus, Dennis, where did you learn to cook like this? DENNIS Cooking is a sensual art, my friend. And I am a sensual man. I was born with this ability. MAC That's awesome! What about entrees? DENNIS (smirking) Oh, Mac. 'Entrees' are for chain restaurants. Mine is a main course. I'm preparing a lovely foie gras with a blackberry sauce and toast. MAC That's it? DENNIS 'That's it?' That's all people need to eat, trust me. Their bodies will be lucky to contain the pleasure that is my cooking. A few may even take their clothes off in ecstasy. MAC That's cool with me, dude! Frank and Dee don't stand a chance! CUT TO: 5 EXT. RUN DOWN PHILADELPHIA STREET - SAME TIME 5 Frank and Charlie are sitting under a worn pop-up tent, with two pot grills. A cardboard sign is hanging from it, reading "Milk Heaven". A pot is steaming on one of the grills. CHARLIE Okay, the milk is boiling, I let the bread sit out over night, and I got my can-opener, so I'm all set. FRANK Great! Now all we have to do is get some customers, and I got a plan! I'm gonna go down the block to that restaurant and tell them that they're eating poisoned food. Then, when they run out of the restaurant, we'll be here to clean up! CHARLIE Oh, yeah, that's good. Well, don't you think maybe people will be a little too grossed out to want to eat right away? FRANK Right...because of the poison. CHARLIE I'm just saying maybe we should leave poison out of this one. Dee jogs up to the tent and looks around in disgust. DEE Jesus Christ, you guys, you call this a food truck? FRANK It works the same, and we can just pack it up and take it where we want. DEE And what is that smell? CHARLIE I just fried up the tuna and eggs. Dee grimaces, while Charlie moves the food on the pan around with his can-opener. CHARLIE Would you like to try a milk sandwich? It's my latest creation. DEE What the hell is a milk sandwich? CHARLIE It's exactly what it sounds like. FRANK Trust me, it's good, people will love it. DEE It sounds like you just pour milk on two slices of bread. CHARLIE It's an acquired taste okay, Dee? I don't see you making anything. FRANK Yeah, why aren't you at the bar? DEE (proudly) Because I am taking a break after my killer lunch service. I sold over 150 of Dee's Famous Dogs! Dee opens her jacket to reveal a t-shirt that has her face, a hot dog and "Dee's Dogs" printed on it. FRANK 150 hot dogs just at lunch?! DEE Yeah, that's right! And most of them are telling their friends, because of how good they were, so chew on that one, bitches! Dee runs off, gloating. CHARLIE Oh man, we better pick up the pace here Frank, we need some customers fast! FRANK Wait! Why don't I go get a couple of broads to hold those arrow signs on the corner? People always follow busty chicks! CHARLIE That's it, that's the one. FRANK Great! I'll get the broads, you make the signs! END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY Dee is behind the bar frantically serving drinks, while cooking hotdogs on a two portable grills. The bar is packed with respectable looking people eating the hotdogs and having a great time. A man with a button-up shirt and loose tie walks up to her. BUSINESS MAN (yelling over noise) Wow, these hotdogs are amazing! My co-worker told me they came for lunch and we've been telling everyone we know! DEE Thanks so much! It's my own special recipe! BUSINESS MAN Nothing like a woman that can cook like this! Dee momentarily is distracted from cooking, and seems flattered. DEE Oh, yeah? I can do a mean load of laundry, too. She gives him the ol' elbow nudge, and the man leans in toward her. BUSINESS MAN You don't say? (BEAT) Hey, how about after this place clears out, we share a couple of dogs and talk about why you're still single? Dee can barely contain herself with excitement. DEE That sounds great! Then maybe I can clean out the cat litter box? She leans in and nudges him with her elbow again. The joke doesn't land with him. BUSINESS MAN Right...Or we can just talk. DEE Right, talk. Nevermind. The two lean in a smile. CUT TO: EXT. PADDY'S FOODTRUCK - DAY There is a huge line forming at the truck window. You can see Dennis inside, casually working away over the stove, as if everything is under control. People are standing around eating the food, and seem very pleased. Mac is yelling into his bullhorn as he takes money from customers, and hands them their food. MAC Come on over folks! Try Paddy's gourmet food truck! And don't forget to head on over to Paddy's Pub to wash it down with a cold beer! Mac looks in the window to Dennis. MAC Dude, this shit is CRAZY! Your food is amazing! DENNIS I told you, buddy. Sensuality for the taste buds. MAC Well, keep it up. At this rate, we'll get to $1,000 in no time! DENNIS Hey, maybe we should start selling the ravioli for a few dollars more, it seems to be selling the best. MAC Great idea, so, instead of $6, maybe...$8? Dennis suddenly becomes very irritated. DENNIS $6?! You've been selling the LOBSTER ravioli for $6?! MAC Well, yeah, dude, it's a food truck? Pfff. I figure we sell at a great price and the customers keep flowing in. Dennis is becoming more and more irate. DENNIS It costs me $18 dollars just to make it, Mac!!! How are we supposed to get to $1000 if we are losing $12 every time we sell it?! How much are you selling the foie gras for? Mac looks down at his notepad and stalls. MAC Ummm... $3.50. DENNIS $3.50?!?! MAC It's just duck liver and toast, bro! It's like one bite of food! DENNIS Just duck liver?!?! It's one of the most delectable things a person can eat! MAC Well, you know what, I think it tastes awful! Dennis begins fuming, thinking of jumping across the counter and strangling Mac. DENNIS SHUT IT DOWN!! He throws his arms up and storms away. CUT TO: EXT. RUN DOWN PHILADELPHIA STREET - DAY Frank is standing with two attractive young girls in front of "Milk Heaven". The girls are holding cardboard signs in the shape of arrows that read "Food Tent". Charlie is still slaving away at the stove. A single homeless man is standing at the tent, waiting to place his order. FRANK Okay, ladies, all we need you to do is go down to that corner and stand there looking pretty. Make sure you tell everyone how amazing the food is here. GIRL ONE I thought you were just serving warm milk. Charlie over-hears the comment, and responds in defense. CHARLIE It's a technique, alright?! It's taken me years to master! FRANK Run along, shoo! The girls make their way to the street corner, off camera. CHARLIE I hope this works Frank, I will NOT let Dennis and Dee out-cook me! FRANK Don't worry it'll work! CHARLIE Well, just let me know when you see people start to come, because I'm in the weeds right now. FRANK Charlie, we've had one customer. CHARLIE Let me work, Frank! It's a TECHNIQUE! I can't have you breathing down my neck like this! FRANK Alright, alright. Just be prepared for the crowd. If all goes well we should be able to beat my idiot kids, and show 'em a thing or two about business! EXT. RUN DOWN PHILADELPHIA STREET - LATER Frank is sitting on a folding chair under the tent, drinking a beer. Charlie is sitting next to him eating what appears to be a milk sandwich. CHARLIE I don't think anyone is coming, Frank. FRANK I don't get it! I mean, if I'm walking down the street and see a woman holding an arrow, I follow the damn arrow! CHARLIE I know, same here. I once followed an arrow a girl was holding and walked the whole way to the airport before I turned around. FRANK What was the sign for? CHARLIE I have no idea! That's the point, you trust the girl holding the arrow! FRANK Face it, Charlie. They beat us. I don't know if we can show our faces back in there for a while. CHARLIE Oh, no! I'm not giving up that easily. I will share my milk-meals with the world! This is not over! Just then the two girls return. Only one holding an arrow. FRANK Where the hell have you two been? And where's your arrow (to Girl Two). GIRL TWO I lost it. FRANK You lost it? How do you lose it, you were only a block away? GIRL TWO Hey, at least I wasn't holding mine the wrong direction. Frank looks at the girls in disbelief. CHARLIE Now it's over. END OF ACT TWO ACT THREE CUT TO: INT. PADDY'S PUB - NIGHT The bar has cleared out, except for a few stragglers. Dee and the man from earlier sit at a booth together, holding hands across the table. BUSINESS MAN You know what, I don't even care. DEE Really? BUSINESS MAN Nooo! Of course not! All I want is a woman who will take care of me when I'm at home, and look the other way when I sleep around on my business trips. Why would I care how many men you've been with? DEE Oh, whew! That's a relief. I didn't want to tell you, but once I said triple digits, I thought for SURE you would have run off and... The man releases her hands, and begins to look ill. DEE Are you okay? BUSINESS MAN No, yeah, I'm fine. Ever since I left rehab I get these stomach pains. I'll be okay. DEE Ohhh, rehab. I did that once. Well, just for the welfare, haha, but hey, who hasn't? BUSINESS MAN Ugh, I think I'm going to be sick. He gets up and sprints out the door. Frank and Charlie walk in after he leaves, each holding a crate full of milk jugs. Dee gets up to plead with him. DEE Hey! Wait! I was...kidding? Come back! Ah, shit. Dee sits down at the pub table with Charlie and Frank. FRANK Who was that guy? DEE Just a guy who wanted a girl to live with him in his big house, and spend his money, while getting to sleep with him...no big deal, really. So, how did you guys do? CHARLIE Ehhh.... let's not get into that right now. FRANK It's complicated. CHARLIE Yeah, we're still counting the money, and I'm gonna try to return all of the milk I bought, and... it's complicated. Mac and Dennis enter, much less pleased this time. Dee pulls out a wad of cash. DEE (to all) Well, I made $1,127 on Dee's Famous Dogs alone, not counting the alcohol sales! Dennis and Mac join the group at the table. DENNIS Save it. If Mac here knew what he was doing we would have killed you! FRANK How'd you end up? Dennis looks to Mac, who has his head hung in shame. MAC Negative $840. FRANK Well, after paying for the broads, it looks like we just about broke even. Looks like Dee wins. MAC Hey, at least we accomplished what we wanted. We found a great way to make a little extra money with this place! Selling Dee's Famous Dogs! CHARLIE Wait, you mean the hotdogs in the fridge in the basement? Dee is beaming after winning the challenge and lazily answers Charlie. DEE Yeah. CHARLIE I use those to keep the rats from coming upstairs. They've been here since we opened this place. Dee's mood suddenly changes from joy to worry. DEE What? But, they're hotdogs. They're still fine, I'm sure. Right? DENNIS (to Charlie and Mac) I don't even think that fridge works, does it? Mac shakes his head, "no". CHARLIE Oh, no, actually I would bet it's even warmer than room temperature. A man in a suit and tie walks in. LAWYER MAN Excuse me? A few of my partners ate here for lunch, and got violently ill. They are filing the first of numerous suits against this bar. He hands Dennis a piece of paper. LAWYER MAN If you want to settle, let us know. Frank lights up. FRANK Charlie! That means we win! Frank and Charlie start jumping up and down screaming "we won!", while the rest watch in disgust. FRANK AND CHARLIE Milllllk sandwiches! Milk! Milk! Sand-wich-es! They begin to pour the jugs of milk on each other. Dennis leans over to Dee while Frank and Charlie celebrate. He hands her a set of keys. DENNIS These are to your new truck. Dee seems confused. DEE My what? Frank and Charlie are now shirtless, still dumping milk on each other. FADE OUT: END OF ACT THREE END OF EPISODE
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