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FADE IN ON:
INT. TAVERN.
Your typical tavern. The bar is wood. The walls are old
brick and covered with old breweriana.
CARL and STEVE sit at the bar, a few feet from each other.
They each have a drink in front of them. Steve is smoking.
An ashtray sits in front of him. The two are watching the
news on a nearby television.
'MURDER SUICIDE' appears on the television screen. The
REPORTER ad-libs a story.
CARL
Doesn't that suck?
STEVE
What?
CARL
(points to TV)
That. Guy kills himself and his
wife.
STEVE
Hmmm...
CARL
I mean, if you're going to kill
yourself, then just kill yourself.
Don't take other people with you.
Steve looks at Carl suspiciously.
STEVE
You think about killing yourself
much?
CARL
Yeah... I mean, I'm not planning
to kill myself. But if I was going
to, I already figured out how.
Long silence.
Steve finishes his cigarette and puts it out in an ashtray in
front of him.
CARL
You wanna know how?
STEVE
(beat)
Sure.
Carl inches his seat closer to him.
CARL
The whole thing takes about two
months.
STEVE
Two months? You plan on starving
yourself to death?
CARL
Nothing like that... For two
months, practically every day, I
call the national headquarters for
Central Intelligence Agency--
STEVE
The C-I-A--?
CARL
In McLean, Virginia. I call up and
ask about job opportunities.
STEVE
Job opportunities?
CARL
Job opportunities! Just to be on
the phone with them. And I do it
with my cell phone.
STEVE
No long distance charges?
CARL
That's not why. The phone company
keeps records of every call made on
a cell phone--
INT. PERSONNEL OFFICE. CIA.
A mousy-looking woman sits behind her desk, talking on the
phone (M.I.S). Papers are stacked neatly on her desk.
CARL (V.O.)
Each of my calls would documented.
STEVE (V.O.)
So?
CARL (V.O.)
So, I would do this for about two
months.
INT. TAVERN.
Carl is a little bit closer to Steve. Steve lights another
cigarette.
CARL
Log about forty or fifty calls.
Let the bill come in and highlight
all these calls... During these
two months, I would also get a
pistol. A semi-automatic pistol--
STEVE
You're going to get into a shoot
out with the C-I-A--?
CARL
Shoot-out--?
STEVE
They call that death by suicide--
CARL
That's not what I would do--
STEVE
But that's what they call it--
CARL
I know, but that's not what I would
do.
INT. SHOOTING RANGE.
Carl fires a semi-automatic pistol at a paper target
(M.I.S.). Shell casings are ejecting off to the side.
CARL (V.O.)
I'd take my semi-automatic pistol
and go to a pistol range and fire
off a few rounds.
He hits the target, but not very well.
He reloads the magazine and puts it in the pistol. He takes
a single spent casing and puts it in his pocket.
CARL (V.O.)
I take one spent shell casing with
me.
He walks off the range, looking around him as he does so.
CARL (V.O.)
I'll be needing it on the big day.
INT. TAVERN.
The two are still talking.
CARL
Also during this time, I collect a
couple of cigarette butts.
STEVE
Cigarette butts?
CARL
Off the street.
STEVE
Why?
CARL
'Cause I don't smoke.
STEVE
People are gonna think you're
crazy.
CARL
I'm gonna kill myself. I don't
care what people think.
STEVE
Good point.
CARL
As I get closer to the big day, I
call the C-I-A more and more often.
Ask about job opportunities.
Starting salary. Benefits. Tour
information. Whatever. Anything
to log in that air time.
STEVE
'Cause the phone company keeps
records.
CARL
Exactly!
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT.
It's a modest place. Carl walks up to a small desk.
CARL (V.O.)
On my last day, I stay home and get
phone bill together listing my
calls.
He looks at his phone bill. Several calls are highlighted in
yellow.
He puts the bill in his shirt pocket.
CARL (V.O.)
Remember that spent shell casing?
STEVE (V.O.)
From the shooting range?
CARL (V.O.)
I take that and those cigarette
butts--
He grabs an envelope from the desk and takes it into the
kitchen.
CARL (V.O.)
And bring them in my kitchen, where
I plan to kill myself.
He rips open the envelope and dumps its contents on the
floor.
CARL (V.O.)
I leave them where they can be
found later.
It's the spent casing and two cigarette butts. They bounce
before settling on the floor.
He grabs his cell phone and dials a number.
CARL (V.O.)
I make one last call to the C-I-A
for the usual stuff.
He talks on the phone.
He hangs up the cell phone and picks up another phone, from
the wall.
CARL (V.O.)
I then immediately--
His fingers press 9-1-1 on the phone.
CARL (V.O.)
Call the police.
He talks on the phone (M.I.S)
CARL (V.O.)
Acting like I'm scared, I give them
my name and address and say,
"Someone is trying to break into my
house and I think they trying to
kill--"
INT. TAVERN.
Carl sits even closer to Steve. Steve leans toward Carl,
engrossed in the story.
CARL
And I hang up the phone and shoot
myself in the head.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT.
The police force in the door and cautiously enter the
apartment, guns drawn.
CARL (V.O.)
The police arrive at my apartment
because of my call. Maybe a
neighbor even called because he
heard the shot.
The police enter the kitchen. Carl lays in a pool of his own
blood.
The bullet wound is on the left side of his head. The pistol
is next to him.
CARL (V.O.)
When they search the crime scene,
they see two spent shell casings on
the floor--
The cops point to the casings, resting near the butts.
CARL (V.O.)
Two casings, but only one bullet?
What happened to the other bullet?
INT. TAVERN.
Steve and Carl.
CARL
Investigating the matter, they find
the cigarette butts and learn from
those who know that I don't smoke.
So who left the butts? Someone was
there long enough to smoke two
cigarettes.
Steve puts his cigarette out in the ashtray.
INT. CARL'S APARTMENT.
A police officer leans over the body.
CARL (V.O.)
Those who know me would also tell
the cops that I'm right-handed, not
left. When I actually shoot
myself, I would use my left hand
and shoot myself in the left side
of my head.
The police officer looks at Carl's shirt pocket.
CARL (V.O.)
The piece de resistance, however,
would be--
He pulls out the phone bill.
CARL (V.O.)
--the phone bill.
INT. TAVERN.
Carl is still talking. Steve drinks his beer.
CARL
The cops would look into the
highlighted phone number and find
out I was calling the C-I-A.
They'd also find out that I called
the C-I-A right before I called
them to say someone was trying to
break in to my place.
STEVE
But there's no signs of forced
entry.
CARL
There doesn't have to be. They're
gonna rule out suicide because
right-handed people don't shoot
themselves with their left hand. I
made repeated calls to the C-I-A up
until my death.
STEVE
But you spoke with Personnel?
CARL
Yeah. That's what the C-I-A would
say if they remembered my calls.
But who would believe them?
STEVE
Good point.
CARL
Great point.
STEVE
But I don't get it. Why do all
this? Why get the C-I-A involved
at all? Why not just shoot
yourself normally
CARL
Why? If my death is labelled a
suicide, my family couldn't collect
on the insurance.
STEVE
Okay.
CARL
Second, if my death is labelled a
suicide, I can't be buried on
hallowed ground.
STEVE
(beat)
Fine. Hallowed ground.
CARL
Third, I want to leave people
guessing.
STEVE
Guessing?
CARL
Guessing! Newspapers and teevee
shows will investigate my death for
years. Conspiracy websites will be
dedicated to me. Books will be
written about me--
STEVE
Books?
CARL
They'd probably make a teevee movie
about me--
STEVE
And a movie--?
CARL
--Trying to figure out who I am.
I'd become legendary.
STEVE
Yeah. And if they made a movie
about this, they'd probably get
John Stamos to play you.
CARL
John Stamos--?
STEVE
Nevermind.
He finishes his beer.
STEVE
I'd love to stay and hear more, but
I have to meet someone.
He leaves a single on the bar and stands up.
STEVE
Good talking with you.
CARL
You too.
Steve takes one last look at Carl and leaves.
Carl sits by him and sips his beer. After a moment, he looks
into Steve's ashtray.
He casually looks around.
He takes two butts from the ashtray and puts them in his
shirt pocket.
He leaves.
FADE OUT.
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