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EXT. FUNKYTOWN-DAY It's a sunny day in a normal town. The roads are pretty clear, but the sidewalks are busy. We start out with a shot of a super market. There's a sign painted on the front that says: FunkyMart. All of a sudden a blur passes by the screen. CUT TO: A behind shot of the blur. It's a man running down the street. We rotate the camera to a side view of the man. The man is wearing a red short sleeve shirt with a blue long sleeve shirt under it. His shirt says, 'Suck This' in black letters on the middle of his shirt. The man is wearing blue jeans. He has C blades attached to his belts. The Cs are actually boomerangs. He has blonde or brunette hair that is kind of messed up and in clumps. He has pointy elf like ears. He's wearing a black eye mask and an earring on his left ear. He has a sword case with a fiery samurai sword in it strapped around his back. The scenery around him is a blur from him running so fast. This is Cooldude. Then a voice comes from his earring. It's Awesome Man. AWESOME MAN V.O. I'm coming up on Psychedelic Freakout Man. COOLDUDE So am I. We then speed across over some rooftops until we meet Awesome Man. He has long black hair that sticks up straight. He's wearing black sunglasses. He's wearing a white shirt with an, 'A' on his chest in white surrounded by a circle filled in with black. He's wearing blue jeans and has a long red cape that's connected to his shirt by two circle clips with, 'A's that are on his shoulders. He's running across the rooftops and when he gets to an edge on a building he pounds his foot on the ground and he flies through the air and lands on the next rooftop. Cooldude's voice comes from Awesome Man's right sunglasses earpiece. COOLDUDE V.O. So, Awesome Man, what's goin' on? AWESOME MAN Not now, Cooldude, tryin' not to over jump. COOLDUDE V.O. Sorry just tryin' to make pleasant conversation until we get to kick Psychedelic Freak Out Man's ass. We show Awesome Man running for about ten more seconds. Still hopping from rooftop to rooftop. Then Awesome Man starts talking again. AWESOME MAN I'm coming up on him. We then show Awesome Man jumps diagonally across one of the buildings. He jumps over the ledge and then pounds his foot against the wall so he darts quickly down towards the street. CUT TO: A guy with a tie die shirt on. He has blue jeans with tears on each knee. He has various writings on the jeans. Things like, 'ban the bombs' and, 'Peace not love'. He has long brown hair. He's walking down the street that Awesome Man is jumping down to. This is Psychedelic Freak Out Man. The frame is moving in slow motion. The sound goes mute. He looks around himself casually. Everyone is looking at him weirdly. He reaches behind him and pulls out an Uzi. In the background you can see Awesome Man flying through the air towards him. Psychedelic Freak Out Man points his gun towards a building. The frame goes back to regular motion. The sound comes back right when he starts firing. There are screams and everyone is running in all directions. We show a side shot of a window being shattered from the bullets. AWESOME MAN No! He screams this as he flies into PFOM. Awesome Man knocks him to the ground. The gun flies out of his hand. Awesome Man pins him down and starts punching him over and over again in the face. PFOM reverses Awesome Man's hold and starts hitting him. Then an arm comes around PFOM and pulls him back. COOLDUDE How's it goin' Cooldude then picks up P.F.O.M. and throws him. PFOM is still on the ground. He looks to his left, sees the gun, picks it up, and jumps to his feet. Cooldude starts to run towards PFOM. PFOM points the gun at Cooldude and starts firing. Cooldude pulls his sword out and starts blocking the bullets as he runs towards PFOM. When the bullets hit the sword they blow up because of the heat. Flames are coming out of the sword. A trail of flames follows the blade as it spins. Cooldude starts to come up towards PFOM. Cooldude and PFOM come face to face. PFOM quickly pulls a handgun out of an ankle holster and shoots a couple shots. The last shot hits Cooldude in the upper left arm. He stops and drops the sword. COOLDUDE Fuckin' bitch! PFOM points the two guns at Cooldude's Head. They're about 3 feet apart now. We show close ups of PFOM's and Cooldude's eyes. Cooldude has a determined look on his face. COOLDUDE Go ahead, shoot me. PFOM Okay! PFOM starts firing both guns. Cooldude dives out of the way. Several shots hit Cooldude in the chest. Blood-like ketchup spatters at each shot. Cooldude hits the ground. The firing ceases. Cooldude is lying on the ground, his eyes are closed. He's motionless. Then his eyes open, and he moans: COOLDUDE Ah fuck that stung. He raises his head a little off the ground to look at his wounds. COOLDUDE Wouldja look at that! That was one of my favorite shirts. This isn't going to come out. He looks up at PFOM COOLDUDE Fuckin' prick. PFOM is confused. PFOM But dude, why aren't you dead? I shot you like hella fuckin' times. Your blood's all over the place. COOLDUDE Oh, this? (He says as he lifts up his shirt) This is ketchup. PFOM What? COOLDUDE Yeah, I always keep a ketchup bottle strapped to my body. Cooldude then lifts up his shirt to show a ketchup bottle taped to his chest. It has several holes in it, and it's oozing ketchup. Cooldude then puts his shirt back. PFOM Why the fuck do you have a ketchup bottle strapped to your chest. COOLDUDE Just in case I want ketchup. PFOM rubs his head and starts shaking his head. Then he stops suddenly and looks back at Cooldude. PFOM Wait wouldn't the bullets just go right through the ketchup bottle? COOLDUDE I don't know, I'm not a physicist. AWESOME MAN Enough chitchat. PFOM turns around and faces Awesome Man. AWESOME MAN Forgot about me didn't ya? Awesome Man then punches PFOM in the face. He drops his guns and falls back into a standing Cooldude who gets him in a half nelson. Awesome Man then walks up to PFOM. PFOM Well if it isn't Awesome Man. COOLDUDE Hey don't forget about Cooldude. AWESOME MAN So what're you doin' here? PFOM Can't you see? Killin' rampage. AWESOME MAN Doesn't look like it's doin' very good though. PFOM I've had better. AWESOME MAN After all this time all those quacks over at the nut house still haven't fixed ya? PFOM Actually the doctors say I'm getting better. I'm also more fit. AWESOME MAN Oh, don't think I didn't notice. So…how do you want to do this? Do you want us to just put you in a straight jacket? Bring ya back to the coo coo hut over there? (Awesome Man nods in a random direction) Or do you want to prolong the inevitable and get a little bloody in the process? PFOM Why don't you take my next action as my response? PFOM then swings his leg backwards and forwards hitting Awesome Man and Cooldude in the balls. Cooldude lets his grip go and falls to the ground. So does Awesome Man. COOLDUDE & AWESOME MAN Fuckin' bitch! PFOM Now to finish this. PFOM starts doing back flips towards Cooldude's sword. AWESOME MAN Don't you think that's a little excessive? I mean you can just walk over there for God's sake. You have time. We're paralyzed with pain over here! PFOM keeps doing back flips until he gets to the sword. PFOM I know there was no need for the flips. They just look really cool. You should see these backflips as the beginning to the reign of Psychedelic Freak Out Man. AWESOME MAN How corny was that? COOLDUDE Pretty corny. PFOM Why don't you just shut the fuck up, bastards? PFOM bends over and picks up the sword. Then there is a pained look on his face. And smoke starts to rise from the hand that is holding the sword. PFOM Holy shit! It burns! It burns! CUT TO: Cooldude and Awesome Man on the ground. COOLDUDE It's funny that even after all the run ins we've had together, you still didn't know that that sword has a defense mechanism. If someone is touching it that is not authorized then the swords handle will raise to high temperatures. CUT TO: PFOM, still clutching the sword in disbelief. PFOM Son of a fuck hole. This hurts so much. Cooldude and Awesome Man walk into the frame. COOLDUDE Then why the fuck don't you just let go of the sword! God you're stupid! PFOM then rolls the sword off his fingers. CUT TO: PFOM POV- A bubbling hand that's covered in one big third degree burn. PFOM V.O. Holy shit. CUT TO: The original shot. PFOM looks from his hand to Cooldude and Awesome Man. Then he runs in the other direction. Cooldude and Awesome Man start to run after him. When Cooldude approaches his sword he picks it up as he's running and throws it towards PFOM. The sword misses PFOM and flies into an abandoned building about five feet ahead of PFOM. AWESOME MAN You missed! COOLDUDE Not quite. All of a sudden the building explodes. The shock wave sends PFOM back a couple feet and on his ass. Awesome Man and Cooldude keep running until they get to PFOM. Cooldude runs into the blown up building, but Awesome Man stops and looks down at PFOM. PFOM Ow! AWESOME MAN So you gonna give up now? PFOM Not quite. PFOM is about to jump up, but then he stops because a flaming blade point is pointed at his neck. Cooldude and Awesome Man are standing next to each other now. They both have triumphant looks on their faces. A faint sound of sirens can now be heard in the background. COOLDUDE Do you give up now? PFOM Fuck. PFOM closes his eyes and shakes his head back and forth. All of a sudden the frame freezes. CHARLIE V.O. Wait a second Steve, Charlie Jr. has to pee. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM-DAY The living room is messy. Garbage and socks lay a mess on the floor. In one corner near a window there is a double-sided drawing desk. It's a kind of tarnished brown. On the desk are scattered papers with drawings on them. There are several pencils in a coffee mug that is balanced on the top the desk. There are movie posters on the walls. There is a TV in one corner of the room. Across from the TV is a tope colored couch. Next to the TV are a stack of video games and a stack of DVDs. Hooked up to the TV is a Playstation 2. In one corner of the room is a doorway, which leads to the kitchen. Sitting at the desk are two people, Steve and Charlie. Charlie has messy brown hair that covers his forehead. He's wearing a plain white T-shirt, gray sweats, and white socks with a gray toe and heal. Steve has blonde hair that covers his forehead and just interferes with his eyesight a little bit. He's wearing a blue T-shirt with the words, 'Fuck Stanford' written on it in yellow letters with blue jeans. He's also wearing white socks with gray toes and heals. Steve and Charlie are about twenty-seven or twenty-eight. They live in Pinole, California. The words, 'April 2003 Pinole, California' come up on the bottom of the screen in white letters. STEVE But, dude, we're on a role now. Can't you just hold it in? CHARLIE You know there has been scientific studies that say that holding in your urine will damage your twiddle stick, making it harder for you to get a stiffy! Steve just stares at Charlie for a couple seconds. STEVE Whatever just take a piss. Charlie runs down the Hallway and turns to the right. The Jeopardy waiting music starts to play. We show Steve sit in his chair at the desk. Then he fades away and reappears lying on the couch. He's throwing a tennis ball in the air, catching it, and throwing it back up. He fades away again and reappears walking into the living room through the doorway. He's carrying a plate of nachos. He sits down on the couch and starts eating them. He fades away yet again and reappears playing video games on the couch. The jeopardy music stops. He looks hypnotized as the lights from the video game flash on his face. Charlie walks up and sits next to him on the couch. Looking at the TV also. Charlie is now wearing khakis and a black T- shirt. STEVE Took you long enough. CHARLIE I felt that I should change into some real clothes. STEVE So you peed on yourself again. CHARLIE Yep. Steve then nods his head up and down. Steve presses the pause button. They then walk over to the desk and sit down. CHARLIE So where did we leave off? STEVE I believe that we left off after the beginning fight scene. How about we write the night club part? CHARLIE Na that's where Cooldude is supposed to meet Ice Whore. How about we have a couch scene? STEVE Okay. INT. COMIC LIVING ROOM-DAY We have a view that shows the back of the TV. There is an open door to the right of the room behind the couch. The couch is actually two halves of a couch sewn together. You know this because each half has a different pattern and there are stitch marks down the middle. One of the half's patterns has flowers on it. There is a Playstation 2 on top of the TV. Awesome Man and Cooldude are sitting on the couch watching TV. Awesome Man is sitting on the flower half of the couch. Cooldude looks exactly the same as last time almost. His belt isn't there and neither is his sword and his T-shirt is black with a yellow long sleeve shirt under it. On his T-shirt is says, "I'm with stupid" in yellow letters and there's an arrow pointing up. He has a joint in his mouth that's smoking. His eyes are nearly closed. Awesome Man is wearing a yellow smiley face shirt. In the background there's a poster of a black guy wearing baggy pants and a beanie. His shirt goes down to his knees. He's making a 'West Side' hand sign. He has a gold medallion around his neck and diamond rings on his fingers. The word Yo is on the bottom of the poster. Awesome Man scratches his nuts. They just sit there watching TV like a couple of drones. A minute later Cooldude's eyes close. He becomes limp and the joint falls out of his mouth into his lap. It lies there for about 20 seconds. Smoke starts rise from his pants. Cooldude's eyes shoot wide open and he jumps up. Awesome Man still sits there watching TV. COOLDUDE Holy fuck! Cooldude brushes the joint off his pants. He has a huge burn hole where the joint was. He stops brushing, bends down, and picks up the joint. He then examines it, shrugs, and takes a long drag of the joint. He then sits down where he watches the TV again. Another minute passes. You're here a ripping noise. The stitching that connects the two halves of the couch rip apart. Awesome Man's part of the couch tips over. Awesome Man just lay on the floor, still watching TV. INT. A GAY MAN'S WALLET (NIGHT CLUB)-NIGHT The nightclub is medium size with lots of different colored flashing lights. There's a stage in one part of the room. The dance floor is an aquarium with glass covering it. In the aquarium is a whole bunch of fish. In the other corner of the nightclub is the bar. The bar is very long. There are several tables toward the back. Next to the bar is the doorway to get in. Music with a very loud bass is playing. CUT TO: The outside of Awesome Man and Cooldude's building. The whole front of it is covered in one huge got milk ad. CUT TO: The nightclub. The place is dark except for the strobe lights that are flashing. People are jumping up and down, pushing people around. There's a mosh pit close to the stage, but some are dancing. The music stops. ANOUNCER Tonight and one night only, here at a Gay Man's Wallet, are the Nippley Rectums! Some pyrotechnics happen revealing the band for a couple seconds. Then some multicolored lights start swirling around on the stage. Three people have their backs turned to the crowd and the fourth is one the drums. They all have white boy dreadlocks. Then they all turn around and go up to their microphones. The one in the middle is on main vocals. They bend down and pick up safety pins that have wires coming out the ends. Then they start playing, 'Play that Funky Music White boy'. They play the electric safety pins as their instruments. They play them by pricking the needle against the locking mechanism. CUT TO: Shots people dancing in a dynamic view. There are people disco dancing, people break dancing, etc. CUT TO: The stage again. The song ends and everyone stops dancing, and lights their lighters. VOCALIST We love you Funkytown, goodnight! All of a sudden, the band member's legs explode. Their bodies hit the stage. The audience is dead silent, and they're drenched in blood and guts. Then they explode with applause. People are screaming and yelling. CUT TO: Cooldude sitting at the bar. He has a beer bottle in his hand. He's wearing a shirt that says, 'Fuck me Fuck you Fuck everyone!' going down in a verticle list. He has a disgusted look on his face. COOLDUDE Good god! That's nasty. He then takes a finishing swig of his beer and throws it to the floor causing a shattering sound. All of a sudden karaoke music starts. The voice is a drunk, bad singing Chinese guy. Cooldude looks to his right and makes an, 'O' face. CUT TO: Cooldude's POV- A woman is walking towards Cooldude in slow motion. She's wearing a short baby blue dress that shows lots of cleavage. She has brown hair and a pretty face. This is Linda. She brushes her back behind her. CUT TO: Cooldude has an amazed look on his face. Awesome Man walks up next to him. He's wearing jeans, a blank white T-shirt, and a long black trench coat. AWESOME MAN Dude…I mean…dude! COOLDUDE Go away! AWESOME MAN Don't worry I'll get someone else. I just want to see what happens. Be your wing man, if possible. COOLDUDE No, go away, your gonna crotch block me. AWESOME MAN Fine ya don't have to be a bitch about it. Awesome Man walks off right when Linda walks up. She stands next to Cooldude looks down and then at his face. LINDA Is that a flashlight in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Cooldude looks down and then back at her. COOLDUDE In fact that is my flashlight. Linda raises an eyebrow. COOLDUDE I'm kidding, it's my cock! Linda starts to laugh. She sits down on the stool next to him. LINDA Hi, I'm Linda. Linda puts out her hand, waiting for Cooldude to kiss it. Cooldude looks confused and then nods as if he gets it. COOLDUDE Cooldude. Cooldude grabs Linda's hand and does a ghetto handshake. After that he pounds his fist on his chest twice. COOLDUDE Word. Linda looks puzzled, she moves her eyes from side to side, and then shrugs. LINDA So, of all the gin joints in all the world, why this one? COOLDUDE Why? Because all the bitches are top shelf, the music's fuckin' awesome, and I own it. LINDA You own it, really? COOLDUDE Yeah me and my homeboy, Awesome Man. LINDA Awesome Man and Cooldude. I think I've heard of you two before. COOLDUDE You best be know'n us! We be the most fliest, pimpest, and dangerous son of a bitch super heroes you've eva seen. LINDA Ah that's right. I read in Newsweek that you guys put that kook back in the insane asylum. COOLDUDE Psychedelic Freak Out Man. That bitch keeps on comin' back. He first came out as a bad guy last issue. He got all tripped out on acid and then he went on a killin' spree. Not only that, he hypnotized me so I would kill Awesome Man. LINDA What happened after that? COOLDUDE Well we fought a couple times, destroyed a hella lotta shit. But in the end all it took was an atomic wedgie from Awesome Man to get me back. LINDA I'm very confused. COOLDUDE So are the rest of us. So there's only one thing for us to do now. LINDA Oh yeah and what's that. COOLDUDE It's time to get wasted. CUT TO: EXT. FUNKYTOWN-DAY All of a sudden, 'I'm a Believer' comes on by The Monkeys. We show Cooldude and Linda frolicking down the sidewalk holding hands. They keep frolicking and Cooldude steps on a homeless guy's balls. They stop and look down at the homeless man who is curled up in pain. Cooldude and Linda look at each other and start to laugh. Then they just frolic away. CUT TO: Cooldude and Linda playing a fighting game called, 'Super Bloody Gory Video Game!" We show the screen. One shirtless man walks up to the other. The one on the left punches the one on the right. All of a sudden they both blow up and blood and gore is everywhere. We show Cooldude and Linda again. They look at each other and start to laugh. CUT TO: INT. AWESOME MAN AND COOLDUDE'S HOUSE-DAY Now the poster has a picture of a stereotypical alien head on it. The words, 'Watch out' is on the top on the alien head and the words, 'they're out there!' is one the bottom. A group of people is there, including Awesome Man and Cooldude. They're all around or on the couch. They're all watching Linda as she chugs a beer bong. You can see everyone saying the word chug over and over again while shaking their fists. Beer starts to leek down her cheeks and starts to go down her neck. She finishes and everyone cheers. Then Cooldude and Linda kiss. All of a sudden the frame freezes and the music stops. You can hear Linda talking. LINDA V.O. Cooldude. Cooldude! CUT TO: INT. A GAY MAN'S WALLET-NIGHT Everyone is gone except for the janitor who is sweeping some passed out drunks along the floor in the background. Linda is looking at Cooldude in disbelief. Cooldude is passed out drooling at the bar counter. An empty glass of scotch is next to his head. She starts snapping her fingers next to his ear. LINDA Cooldude! Wake the fuck up! She picks up the scotch glass and throws it at his head; it shatters. He moans, rolls off the counter, and hits the floor. Linda sighs, and rolls her eyes into the back of her head. She sits at the counter and grabs a bottle of Jack Daniel's from the bartender's side of the counter. She takes of the cap and starts to drink from it. INT. STEVE AND CHARLIE'S LIVING ROOM-DAY Steve and Charlie are sitting at their desk. They're bent over them drawing we swivel the camera around them getting shots of a black and white drawings on one desk, and colored in drawings on the other desk. They both stop and look at each other. CHARLIE So I think we've done enough for right now; I'm starting to get cramps. How bout we go to AMF to go get ourselves a drink. Steve puts his pencil back in the jar. He looks at his watch. Then looks back at Charlie. STEVE Hey it's two o'clock how about we get some lunch, and then go over the St. Joe's. Charlie sighs CHARLIE Again? We go over there like everyday. You hated that school as a kid, why do you want to go over there so much now? STEVE Why would I pass up a chance to see a bunch of pre-teen pansies dressed like rappers because they think they're ghetto? Come on it's hilarious. CHARLIE Yes I do think that kids in the middle of suburbia, and that go to a private school, think that they can pass off as ghetto is funny, but there's only so much you can take. STEVE How bout this? We go over to St. Joseph's, and then we can do drunk bowling. Charlie thinks it over and puts out his hand. CHARLIE Deal! Charlie and Steve shake hands. They both get up off their chairs and get their jackets off the couch. They then put them on as they walk out of the living room and then out the front door. INT. CAR-DAY They get in their SUV, which is parked in front of their house. Steve unlocks the driver's door and then gets in. Charlie stands at the passenger side of the car, and pulls on the handle. The door doesn't open. He flips of Steve through the window. He tries it again. When it doesn't open this time he pounds on the window. Charlie tries the door a third time and it opens. He gets in the car and closes the door. CHARLIE Cocksucker! Steve starts to laugh. They both get on their seatbelts. Steve starts the car and they pull out of the driveway. They speed down the court and turn onto the street. Charlie sniffs a little bit. CHARLIE Do you smell chicken? STEVE No. CHARLIE You sure? Because I really do smell chicken. STEVE Maybe you smell like chicken. Charlie sniffs his shirt, and then nods his head up and down. CHARLIE I do smell like chicken. STEVE Told ya. CHARLIE When was the last time I had chicken? STEVE Fucked if I know. Charlie thinks for a little bit. CHARLIE I think…the last time I had chicken was about three months ago. Has it really been that long since I've had chicken? STEVE I'd be more worried about how long it's been since you've washed that shirt. Charlie shrugs. STEVE So you want to catch some lunch first? I was thinkin' Taqueria Sanchez. CHARLIE Na man, Moon Doggies. STEVE We just went there a couple days ago. CHARLIE So, their double dogs are the bomb. STEVE Yeah and their hot links are fuckin' awesome. Okay lets go there. CHARLIE Wait, but now I want to go to Taqueria Sanchez. Steve starts to get impatient. STEVE Fine then we'll go there. CHARLIE Wait, no let's go to Moon Doggies. STEVE Would you just make up your mind! CHARLIE I'm just fuckin' with ya…I want to go to McDonald's. (Starts to laugh.) Steve punches a laughing Charlie in the arm. Charlie stops laughing and rubs his arm. CHARLIE Fucker. STEVE Out of all the jokes you can pull, you pull the stupid three year old joke. They stop at a stoplight. They look to their left and see Collins School. They look over. All the kids are running around outside. CHARLIE A lot of kids go there, huh? STEVE Yeah, well that's the public school system for ya. CHARLIE This town's falling apart. Just look at Pinole Valley High. Nothin' but stoners and gangsters who grab their crotches all day. STEVE That's stereotyping. There are a lot of good kids that go to Pinole. You just never see them. CHARLIE Why not? STEVE Because there's so many other ones that they are hidden in the crowd. CHARLIE You would think that they would stand out. STEVE Well another reason is that your eyes always go to the most outrages person. Think about it, would you rather stare at a normal person or a weird person? CHARLIE Weird person. STEVE Exactly. (Pause.) Where was I going with this? CHARLIE I don't know, I stopped listening at chicken. They start to go again. CHARLIE One reason why I don't want to go to the school today is that principal. STEVE Why do you have a grudge against the principal? CHARLIE I don't have a grudge against her. She has a grudge against me! STEVE Sure. CHARLIE I'm serious. She's had a grudge against me since the sixth grade. STEVE Principal Lacemen was in our class? CHARLIE Don't you remember Stephanie? STEVE That's her! I don't remember her name being Lacemen. CHARLIE She got married, dumbass. STEVE Who would marry her? CHARLIE I don't know, maybe she's married to a blind guy. STEVE She was so hot until…oh! CHARLIE Yep. STEVE That's why she's pissed at you. I thought she was mad because we're slackers. CHARLIE Probably that too. But yeah the source of her anger all goes back to that one day in sixth grade. INT. CLASSROOM-DAY Little ripples go over the screen as it changes to a classroom with educational posters all over the wall. Thirty-six kids sit in desks. The desks are pushed together in twos. On the two connected desks are dead frogs lying on their backs, cut open, in lab dishes. We show a young Steve and a young Charlie partnered up together. They have latex gloves on, and white collared polo shirts tucked into navy blue shorts. They have lab goggles on and they're laughing at the frog. YOUNG CHARLIE Watch this. Young Charlie picks up the frog in one hand and looks around the room. Then he stops and acknowledges someone with a nod. YOUNG STEVE What are you going to do? Young Steve tries to look where Young Charlie is looking. Then he has a shocked look on his face. We show Young Stephanie. She has long brunette hair. She's wearing a white collared polo shirt with a black and white plaid skirt that just reaches her knees. She throws her hair to one side. We go back to Young Charlie and Steve. YOUNG STEVE Dude don't! She's so hot! What if you damage her for life somehow? YOUNG CHARLIE What's the worst that can happen? Young Steve is about to protest, but then stops himself. YOUNG STEVE Actually I kinda want to see what's going to happen. Young Charlie chucks the frog across the classroom. CUT TO: We show a view from the ceiling of the frog soaring, limp, across the classroom. Several students look up at it. CUT TO: Dead Frog POV-It's falling back down, toward Young Stephanie. Young Stephanie turns and looks directly at it and starts to scream. CUT TO: The frame goes in slow motion. We show the frog smack Young Stephanie in the face. YOUNG STEPHANIE Fucking prick! We show a shot of Young Charlie and Steve still in slow motion. Young Charlie is laughing hysterically. Young Steve is pretending that he doesn't know Young Charlie. INT. CAR-DAY Charlie and Steve are staring into space. CHARLIE The next day her face was covered in warts the size of nuclear warheads. It's a wonder her warts stayed on this long. STEVE Maybe they're not warts. CHARLIE You could be right about that. STEVE It's a shame because that skirt did wonders, but without the face it just doesn't happen. Charlie looks over at Steve. CHARLIE I still would've fucked her, you know, if she had a bag over her head. STEVE You stupid, stupid little man. CHARLIE Not stupid, shallow. They stop at a stoplight that turns onto Pear Street. The Bistro is right next to them. Ahead of them is the parking lot where Moon Doggies is. They both look over at The Bistro. CHARLIE I heard that place was a rip off. STEVE Yeah, so did I, but it would still be nice to go there sometime. I heard they give you free bread with olive oil and vinegar. CHARLIE I don't get you Italians. STEVE Well I don't get you, whatever the hell you are. What are you? CHARLIE Fucked if I know. The light turns green and they go across the street into the parking lot. They park in front of Moon Doggies. Charlie looks through the window and then looks at Steve. CHARLIE Dude that's Kimberly! She's so fine. STEVE And she's so a hoe. CHARLIE What? STEVE When we were in high school I dated her for a while. Right after like a month she dumps me to go get a prettier guy. She likes sex a lot. CHARLIE Wait you went out with her? Why didn't I know about this? STEVE That was the year you went to military school. Charlie laughs a little. CHARLIE I showed that Sargent. Would you mind if I tried? STEVE Would you go for it if I said no? CHARLIE The only way you could stop me is if you tied me down with wet leather straps in the middle of Death Valley. STEVE Then go ahead and try. CHARLIE The only problem is I might come off as an ass. She's so hot that I'm speechless so I end up saying something stupid. STEVE You couldn't of made that big of an ass of yourself. CHARLIE Last time we talked she set me up with the, 'So, enough about me, let's talk about you' thing. I couldn't think of anything to say, so I told her the Great America story. STEVE The Great America story? CHARLIE Ah crap, I didn't want to tell you. STEVE Well now you have to tell me. CHARLIE Fine! I was on the Grizzly with Sarah. STEVE Sarah the slut? CHARLIE Yeah, well we were on the Grizzly. And as you know the Grizzly is one of the bumpiest rides ever. It's always jolting back and forth, and afterwards you have a headache. Well me and Sara were getting kind of intimate in line. So when we finally got in our car she was ready to suck it. Right then and there on the ride. And I let her, not thinking about the ride that we were embarking on. Now this is before they had seat belts. So it was just the iron bar across our laps. Now we're goin' up the hill and she's trying to give me head around the bar. Finally she decides to try to go under it. So she's trying to fit her head under the bar with my cock in her mouth, and she's doing pretty good with it too. But then we go down the first really big hill. She's trying as hard as she can to keep her position. Then when we hit the bottom of the hill we jolt forward. With the force of the jolt plus the force she's putting on herself to keep her position she jolts forward a lot. My dick touches the back of her throat. Not only does she almost vomit, when her head comes back up it gets stuck under the bar. She can't get her head lose. So her mouth is trapped around my dick. Now I'm in big trouble because we're getting to the real jolty part. So we're jolting back and forth. Her head keeps moving back and forth with every jolt. Every time her head moves her teeth goes into my cock. STEVE Ouch! CHARLIE Yeah I know I'm in excruciating pain. After the ride was over the bar went up. Even though I never saw her after that, I heard she had to wear a neck brace for a while. But when her head lifted I almost had a stroke. If you got a doctor and showed him the pictures, without telling him anything. He wouldn't know it's a cock. It was the biggest, goriest, and bloodiest mess you've ever seen. I had to get stitches. Steve starts to laugh CHARLIE To tell the truth I was surprised anyone can even bend that way, but she does yoga. STEVE Oh that's the most horrible thing I've ever heard! (Steve stops laughing and looks at Charlie) Wait why didn't you tell me this. CHARLIE I didn't even tell my mother. STEVE I'm surprised Kimberly didn't slap a restraining order on you after you told her that. Well I'll tell you what, I know what pushes her buttons, how about I tell you what to say to her? CHARLIE How are you gonna do that? Steve picks up his cell phone out of his pocket. STEVE With technology, my friend. INT. MOON DOGGIES-DAY Steve and Charlie walk into Moon Doggies. At one of the tables is Kimberly. Kimberly is blonde and has curves. She's wearing low rider jeans and a tight white T-shirt. Steve sits at the table next to Kimberly's. He sits behind her. Charlie has his cell phone clipped to the outside of his pocket so he can see the screen when he's sitting down. He walks by the table, stops and looks at Kimberly. CHARLIE Kimberly, Kimberly Dawson! How the hell are you? KIMBERLY Who are you? CHARLIE Charlie Briant. KIMBERLY Oh, Charlie 'Stitch Dick' Briant! Sit down. Charlie sits down across from her. Kimberly lays her arms on the table and leans over it a little, exposing some cleavage. KIMBERLY So, what's goin' on? Charlie looks shocked and he starts to stutter. CHARLIE Uh…well…uh…I'm uh… (He gulps.) Steve starts pressing buttons on his cell phone. Charlie looks down at his cell phone screen. CUT TO: Charlie POV-A cell phone that is clipped to his pants. There are words on the screen that read, 'I've just been working on the comic.' CUT TO: A normal shot. Charlie looks back up at Kimberly. CHARLIE Me, I've just been working on the comic. KIMBERLY Oh yeah I heard about that. What's it about? CHARLIE Well it's about two pot-head, slacker super heroes. The have no secret identities. They just call themselves by their super hero names. They own their own building in a city called Funkytown. KIMBERLY How'd they get the money to own their own building? CHARLIE They have a nightclub on the bottom floor called, 'A Gay Man's Wallet'. And they have a huge, 'Got Milk' ad painted on the front of the building. KIMBERLY Sounds cool. Is there a lot of money in comic- making? CHARLIE Depends on how much your comic sells. Steve and I made a shit-load on our first one. KIMBERLY Steve, Steve Lukenson? CHARLIE Yeah we're still good friends. KIMBERLY Wow, I can't believe it. You guys were friends all through school, but I didn't think you would actually stay friends for this long. CHARLIE Yeah, we have similar interests. Kimberly flips her hair to one side. Charlie is dumb-founded. Kimberly looks at Charlie and starts to get weirded out. KIMBERLY Why are you staring at me? Charlie shakes his head a little. CHARLIE Well…um…I was uh… (Charlie looks down and then back up.) I'm just taking in your beauty. Kimberly makes an appreciating face. KIMBERLY Oh that's so sweet. (She reaches out and starts to rub Charlie's hand.) You really know how to sweet talk a lady. Charlie looks at his hand and then back at her. CHARLIE Um…uh (he laughs a little laugh) …well uh… (he looks down and at the cell phone and then back up) Well I'm good at other things, too. Kimberly and Charlie stare at each other. Charlie is starting to have sweat on his brow. Kimberly sniffs a little. KIMBERLY Do you smell chicken? EXT. ST. JOSEPH'S SCHOOL-DAY Steve is sitting on the bench in front of St. Joseph's. No kids are in the frame, but you can hear voices in the background. Steve is eating his hot link. Next to Steve is a wrapped up double dog. Charlie is singing and dancing on the patio. CHARLIE I'm gonna fuck Kimberly! I'm gonna fuck Kimberly! I'm gonna fuck Kimberly. STEVE Sit the hell down and stop swearing. We're gonna get kicked out. Charlie sits down, picks up his double dog, unwraps it a little, and takes a bite. CHARLIE Just because you're jealous, doesn't mean you have to be a bitch. STEVE I'm not jealous. I've sailed to Kimberly Island and have planted my flag. I'm just sorry that I can't be there to watch you stutter like an idiot and make an ass of yourself. CHARLIE Maybe you can. STEVE What the hell are you babblin' about now? CHARLIE Well your right, I am going to end up making an ass of myself if I go on the date without some sort of aid. Maybe there's a way you can help me get laid. STEVE What makes you think I want to help you? CHARLIE Don't you want me to be happy? STEVE No. CHARLIE I thought you said that you planted your flag or whatever? STEVE Hey, I'm over her, but if I do sweet-talkin' I expect to get laid! It's a package deal! CHARLIE You know if you ever had girl trouble, I'd help you out! STEVE Even if I did have girl trouble, I'd never ask for your help! CHARLIE Can't we just say that I owe you a big one? STEVE No! You'd never live up to your word! CHARLIE Now what makes you say that? Steve just stares at Charlie for a few seconds. CHARLIE Fine, what if I paid you twenty bucks up front? STEVE C'mon if Kimberly was a whore she'd be worth at least a thousand. CHARLIE Fine, how bout I set you up with someone good? I mean, I know a lot of really hot women. STEVE How? CHARLIE Tons of really hot women always say, 'Let's be friends' because they're out of my league. The only thing is I make sure we're friends. STEVE Why? CHARLIE Spite, but what can they do? They said that they wanted to be friends. STEVE File a restraining order, for one thing. CHARLIE Well life is full of risks. STEVE What if you don't set me up with anyone? CHARLIE If I don't set you up in a month's time, (He gulps.) then you can kick me in the nuts. STEVE Okay deal, but I get to pick the girl you set me up with. CHARLIE Great! They shake hands, and then they start to eat their hot dogs again. STEVE (Still has food in his mouth.) So how exactly am I gonna be able to tell you what to say? CHARLIE (Has food in his mouth.) I don't know. (Swallows.) We probably shouldn't do the same thing that we did over at Moon Doggies. It would be harder to do the same thing in a fancy restaurant. STEVE Maybe we can use some kinda wire thing, you know, like the cops use. CHARLIE What? STEVE Yeah the mob squad uses them. Haven't you ever seen them in movies? Charlie thinks for a while. CHARLIE Oh those! You know, I just might be able to get those. I have a connection in the police station. STEVE How'd you get a connection in the police station? CHARLIE What can I say? I've had a lot of over nighters and a lot of violations. STEVE DUIs? CHARLIE Yeah, that and a couple public urination violations. A bell rings and kids start to come around the front. The noise level rises. They all have white, blue, or green collared polo shirts. Some are wearing navy blue shorts and others are wearing navy blue pants. The younger kids have red sweat shirts with no pockets, no hoods, and there's a St. Joseph School logo over the breast of the sweatshirt. The older one's have almost the exact same sweatshirt, except it's dark blue and it has the words, 'Class of 2003', 'Class of 2004', or 'Class of 2005,' in Cursive on the back in white. Kids are walking through the crosswalk. Every so often the cross guards go back to either end of the crosswalk and cars drive through. Some kids are standing around, talking. Some of the older kids have baggy pants. Charlie and Steve are still sitting on the bench looking at all the kids. Some parents are sitting on the benches around them. They keep looking at Charlie and Steve weird. Charlie looks at one of the parents. CHARLIE What the hell are you looking at? PARENT You! Why are you here anyway? You have no business here. Charlie flips him off. CHARLIE Why don't you just go fuck yourself. The parent looks disgusted and turns his head away. STEVE Dude, I told you to quit with the swearing. I'd like to come back here. CHARLIE You are one weird guy, ya know that? What kinda person just goes to a school and looks at kids. People think we're perverts! STEVE I don't care what people think. To see a diverse community like this. Tall, short; black, white; smart, stupid. There are wars because of difference, but right here almost everyone gets along with each other. Charlie nods up and down, then looks over. CHARLIE Dude that was deep. STEVE Yeah, and kids at private schools have the dirtiest minds. Right then Andy and Kevin come up. Andy has a blue school sweatshirt on and shorts that go down to the middle of his knees. His shoes are dirty. He has blonde hair and is kind of over weight. He has a black Nike backpack slung over one shoulder. Kevin is thin and is wearing a black sweatshirt with a pocket in the bottom center. The sweatshirt has a hood. He's wearing baggy navy blue pants. In the place of a button is a safety pin. His hair is brownish black. It has gel in it and his split down the middle, with hair coming down on each side. He has a drawn on hand puppet. He has a peach colored backpack that has sayings like, 'School sucks' and, 'Kevin' written on it in sharpie. Kevin and Andy sit next to Charlie and Steve. STEVE Well if it isn't two examples right here! ANDY Hey. KEVIN Sup. CHARLIE Well if it isn't Kevin and Andy. So what's new, Andy? ANDY Nothin' much. We went to a prayer service today for the bicycle guy. STEVE Bicycle guy? ANDY Yeah, you know, that old guy that rides that bike everyday. It has the rear view mirrors and the windshield. STEVE Oh that guy. He's dead? ANDY Yeah, he got hit by a car and now he's dead! STEVE How did it happen? ANDY Well he was cutting in between cars, right? Then this car decided to turn at the very last moment. And right when he was turning, the bike guy tried to go around him. Next thing you know, smack! (Pounds fist into hand.) Blood and guts all over the place. STEVE Damn…that sucks. There's a moment of silence. Andy sniffs the air. ANDY Do you smell Chicken? CHARLIE So, Kevin! Did anything else happen today? KEVIN Hell yeah fool! God shit on me! Proving my theory, that God has it in for me. STEVE God shit on you? KEVIN Well no, actually it was a bird. But I was standin' there right, with a big group of people. Now that bird shit at the perfect time. And there was the perfect air resistance. Only a cunt licker wouldn't agree with me. Charlie looks at him, amazed. He starts to nod his head up and down. STEVE Well I guess you can call me a cunt licker then. Andy wacks Steve. ANDY You don't believe Kevin? STEVE No I don't. ANDY Why the fuck not? STEVE I don't know. I just don't really believe in a higher being. I'm the kinda guy that believes in what people can prove. ANDY Well I don't necessarily believe in God either. It's supposed to be funny. You fuckin' ruined the joke. Cocksucker! KEVIN Wait, what! That's what I actually believe. It's not a joke! I truly believe that God has it in for me! CHARLIE I believe it. KEVIN You tight then. (Kevin gives Charlie props.) But God or no, being shit on is fuckin' horrible man. It's all smelly and shit. Plus everyone laughs at you. ANDY Doesn't everyone do that already? KEVIN Fuck you! Anyway the only person that feels the same way I do is Carl. He's the only guy that takes as much trash as I do. STEVE Who the hell is Carl? KEVIN Carl the trash can. He takes all our trash, twenty-four seven. CUT TO: Carl the trash can. It's in the middle school next to a white pillar. It has one of those swinging doors and it's covered in stains. CUT TO: Kevin, Andy, Steve, and Charlie sitting on the bench. STEVE That's amazing, no it's not. ANDY Man, don't say shit about Carl, he's tight. KEVIN Yeah so hoo-haa, you have been hoo-haad. Steve raises an eyebrow. STEVE Okay. KEVIN Man, you fuckin' suck. STEVE Yeah, well you suck cock! KEVIN Yeah well little bunny fufu agrees with me. Don't you, little bunny fufu? (He holds up his hand puppet, and starts to move it's mouth.) 'Yeah I believe you Kevin because you da shiznak.' Thanks, little bunny fufu. I think you're the shiznak, too. Well I better start my walk home now. Last time, though, my sister and her friends locked me out. STEVE How long were you out there? KEVIN I don't know, I just fuckin' slept on the doorstep. STEVE That's horrible. KEVIN Not really. I slept well. Well anyway I got to go. (He stands up.) Yo Steve next time we meet, you gotta see my friend Donny. He'll tell you about the alternate universe. Not parallel, alternate. Yeah! Kevin walks across the cross walk and up the hill. By this time the cross guards aren't there anymore. The cars are gone and so are most of the people. ANDY So how's the second issue coming? STEVE We're about half way through the first draft now, but it's goin' pretty good. ANDY Don't forget to hit me up with an advanced copy. STEVE I won't. ANDY Well, I got to go. My mom's probably about to call the cops, wondering where I am. She worries. Andy waves, and then walks across the cross walk and up the hill. STEVE See ya, Andy CHARLIE Fine leave us then, fucker! Two cops walk through the front gates and start to walk towards Charlie and Steve. They stop when they get to Charlie and Steve. Charlie and Steve don't get up, but just sit there looking up at them. STEVE Yes? COP#1 We were told that there were two troublemakers at St. Joseph School. CHARLIE Troublemakers? COP#2 Actually she called you guys fuckin' slackers. My friend over here is just trying to clean up the language a little bit. CHARLIE Ah ha, you see? (He wacks Steve.) She's trying to get us kicked off of the grounds! I told you she was against us! STEVE Against you. Steve stands up. STEVE Okay we'll leave. We don't want any trouble. Charlie still sits there. CHARLIE I'm not leaving. STEVE C'mon we can just come back tomorrow. COP#1 Actually she got the diocese of Oakland to file a restraining order against you. You guys cannot come within a hundred feet of any school in the diocese. STEVE What? That's unfair! COP#2 We don't make the laws. We just enforce them. Steve sits back down. STEVE Well, now, I'm not leaving. Just then a thin woman with a great body walks out of the glass doors. She has brown hair and her face is covered in oversized warts. She walks up next to the cops. This is Stephanie. STEPHANIE Is there a problem officer. COP#1 Well, these ah! (He sees Stephanie.) I mean these guys are refusing to leave the premises, Mrs. Lacemen. Charlie has his eyes squinted and is mouthing profanities. Steve has a blank look on his face. STEPHANIE Well then, can't you just use force? The two cops look at each other. Then they shrug. COP#1 & 2 Why not? They walk up to Charlie and Steve and garb their shoulders. Steve and Charlie have a surprised look on their face as they're pulled up. CHARLIE & STEVE Fuck! The cops then get Steve and Charlie into a hold so they can't move their arms. They start to fidget. CHARLIE Dammit! Stephanie walks over and faces Charlie. STEPHANIE It's been a while hasn't it, Charlie? CHARLIE I'm pretty good at avoiding people, Stephanie. Stephanie laughs a little. STEPHANIE How funny! You know what Charlie you're a funny guy. You've been funny ever since I can remember. But do you know what I think is the funniest thing you've ever done? CHARLIE Well I'm guessing that you're gonna bring up the frog incident. STEPHANIE You are correct. CHARLIE Listen, I was just a stupid sixth grader when I did that. Now I'm a stupid twenty-eight year old with a shit-load of cash. The stupid things I do now aren't as childish, though. STEPHANIE You know what Charlie. Not even five generations of you forgiving me can make up for this. (She points to her face.) I don't care what your excuse is! I'm going to get my revenge! STEVE Okay I except that, but then why are you being mean to me. Stephanie walks over to Steve. STEPHANIE Because if you don't have the sense to not hang out with him, then you deserve to burn in Hell as well. Stephanie walks back over to Charlie. STEPHANIE I'll tell you what. I'll lift the restraining order, if we do it. CHARLIE Will you be wearing a bag over your head? STEPHANIE No. CHARLIE Then not a chance in hell. STEPHANIE Oh c'mon. She leans in and kisses Charlie. Charlie starts to scream as he's being kissed. She stops kissing him and he starts to scream out loud. CHARLIE Oh my god! Get me a handy wipe! STEPHANIE Take them away! The cops start to pull Charlie and Steve out of the school. Charlie is still screaming. STEVE My punishment is unjust! Charlie is right, you are a bitch! Your gonna get yours! The day will come when slackers will rule all! And then you will be in the ditches; unpopular, unsuccessful, and ugly as fuck. STEPHANIE Fuck you! (She flips Steve off.) STEVE You watch! INT. AWESOME MAN AND COOLDUDE'S HOUSE-DAY We start off in Awesome Man's room. He has a bed in one corner. At the foot of the bed is a TV. On the other side of the room is a closet. Next to the closet is a dresser. Next to the bed is a nightstand with a lamp and an alarm clock on it. We show fast clips of Awesome Man putting on his super hero outfit. Such as: a behind shot of him clipping his cape to himself, close up of him putting on his sunglasses, and a close up of his 'A' logo. When then go to a normal frame. Awesome Man is looking down at himself. AWESOME MAN Hmm, I think that was a new record. Awesome Man looks at his alarm clock. AWESOME MAN Ah shit, we're late. Awesome Man opens the door and hurries out of the room. We show him walking down the hallway at a fast pace. The color of the hallway is tope. He stops at a white door. It has a sock covering the handle. You can hear sounds of people having sex through the door. Awesome Man sighs. He knocks on the door. AWESOME MAN Cooldude? You ready? COOLDUDE Go away! AWESOME MAN We're gonna be late for the super hero convention. COOLDUDE Just go, I'll catch up later! Oh yeah, that's the stuff. Awesome Man raises an eyebrow. AWESOME MAN Okay, whatever. But I'm taking your sword. COOLDUDE Whatever, just go the hell away-eeeee! Awesome Man walks down the hallway and approaches his front door. He opens it and walks through. INT. SUPER HERO CONVENTION ROOM-DAY The room is very big. There are rows of tables with a hanging background of the super hero's picture or logo. The super heroes are sitting at the tables on the same side as the background. The super heroes are all wearing costumes of some kind. A bunch of people of all ages is walking around. Some are wearing super hero costumes and others are just wearing regular clothes. The people are in lines to see the super hero, but some are just wandering around. We start out with a ceiling shot so we can see the whole convention room. Then we cut to a row and start to go down it. There are super heroes signing things like scars, autograph books, magazines, and pictures of the super hero. On the way down the row we see some normal super heroes. One of them is sitting on air. Another one is on fire. Another one has his palm touching a kid's forehead. All of a sudden a flash of light comes from the super heroes hand and the kid falls to the ground. Everyone in line starts to clap. After that we reach Awesome Man. He's sitting at his table. Next to him is an empty chair. On the empty the chair is Cooldude's flaming sword, in its case. The background is a picture of Awesome Man and Cooldude standing next to each other. Behind them is Funkytown, and Cooldude has a blunt in his mouth. They have their arms folded. They're both in their super hero outfits. A kid comes up to Awesome Man. He signs the kid's picture and gives it to him. The kid walks off. Then a guy walks up. He pulls up his sleeve to reveal a burn scar. GUY#1 Hey, where's Cooldude? AWESOME MAN He's out doing some hoe. GUY#1 Well I wanted him to sign my burn. AWESOME MAN Well what do you want me to do about it? GUY#1 What do you think, you fuckin' idiot? I want you to go get him. AWESOME MAN Well I tried to get him here, but he decided to have sex instead, so. GUY#1 You don't have to get all pissy because you haven't gotten any in a while. AWESOME MAN I'm not pissy. GUY#1 You are too, pissy. AWESOME MAN Listen, do you want me to sign your burn or not? GUY#1 I don't want YOU to sign my burn. AWESOME MAN Well either I sign your burn, or you go fuck yourself. What's it gonna be? Guy#1 pulls a dildo out of his back pocket. GUY#1 Excuse me. Guy #1 walks away. Awesome Man sits there for a second puzzled. Then he shakes his head. AWESOME MAN Next. Another guy walks up. He's wearing jeans and a yellow T-shirt. He has a New England accent. He unzips his pant zipper. We raise the camera to only show from the chest up of him. We make a thud sound. AWESOME MAN So I'm guessing you want me to sign that. GUY#2 Yeah, I want you to sign my cock. AWESOME MAN You want two tables over. CUT TO: A fat hair guy in a liatard. This is Captain Cocksucker. The background is a picture of him riding on a rainbow above the city. He is pretending to suck a cock. Above him in colorful letters are the words, 'Captain Cocksucker!' Around his waist is a golden belt with a bag full of pixie dust and lube attached to it. He also has a holster that holds a dildo. The people in line have their backs turned. A man walks up in front of Captain Cocksucker and unzips his paints. CAPTAIN COCKSUCKER Oh how wonderful! Captain Cocksucker then signs it. CUT TO: Awesome Man's table. GUY#2 You're not Captain Cocksucker? Awesome Man shakes his head back and forth. GUY#2 Shit, sorry man. He zips back up his pants and walks off. AWESOME MAN God, this place gets more fucked up every year, next. A kid walks up with brown hair. He's wearing a blue zip-up sweatshirt, with khakis. He's holding a picture of Awesome Man in his hand. This is Will. AWESOME MAN Well if it isn't my favorite victim. WILL Hey Awesome Man. AWESOME MAN Hey Will. I thought you already had an autograph from me? WILL No, the only time we ever meet is when you save me. Then you leave. The only person I have an autograph from is Cooldude. AWESOME MAN Yeah he has pre-signed pictures of himself that he gives to, just about everyone. He's kinda cocky. WILL Don't forget about the signed DVD, 'Cooldude, Behind the Fighting' with bonus footage and commentary. It's a collector's edition. AWESOME MAN Yeah, have you ever noticed how every DVD is a collector's edition? WILL It helps not to think about it. Where is Cooldude, anyway? AWESOME MAN Oh he's back at the house fucking Linda. WILL Oh yeah, I read in, 'People' that they're pretty serious. AWESOME MAN Yeah, they've been going out for a while now. I don't know if they're serious, though. He's barely talked to me for a while, to tell the truth. That bitch is like a succubus. (He pauses.) So you want me to sign your picture? WILL Yeah. Will puts the picture on the table. Awesome Man signs it and flicks it back across the table. Will picks the picture back up. WILL Thanks, hey I have a question. AWESOME MAN Shoot. WILL Isn't it kind of unsafe for all the super heroes to be here? I mean, all the criminals are just out there, by themselves. AWESOME MAN Well, before we go to these things we always kick the super villain's asses beyond repair. The cops can handle the common criminals. WILL But what if you forget one? Or a super villain arises with you not knowing? They can just destroy everything, or destroy this place, or they can walk in here and kill a super hero. If they're incognito. AWESOME MAN Well it helps not to think about the future. You have to live in the now. WILL That whole, 'live in the now' thing is bull. AWESOME MAN Why do you say that? WILL Because everyone, even if they don't know it, is planning ahead. You're subconsciously doing it. Say you want to get a glass of water. Your brain plans the route to get there, plans to pick up the glass, and plans the route back. Planning ahead is not really living in the now. AWESOME MAN Yeah, well kiss it, bitch. WILL Douche nozzle. Well, anyway, I still think there should be some super heroes on duty. AWESOME MAN Yeah, well I don't, and I'm older. So you can get your thoughts and shove 'em straight up your ass. WILL You do know that that's physically impossible? AWESOME MAN What to the what, now? WILL Never mind. Will walks away. AWESOME MAN Yeah, that's right, walk away! Next. CUT TO: The entrance to the convention room. The walls are blue. There's an open door. Through the door is the convention room. There's a sign next to the door that says, 'Super Hero Convention Room'. There's a security guard standing in front of the door. He quickly pads down everyone that goes into the room. We rise the camera upward into the ceiling. We stop when we get to air vents. Linda is in the air vents, but she is posing as her alias, Ice Whore. She's wearing black sunglasses that clip to the nose, instead of going back to the ears. She's wearing a tight black pleather jump suit with black pleather zip up boots. Her jump suit is zipped down, exposing cleavage. Strapped to each side of her waist is a black mini-sword case with a mini-sword in each of the two cases. The sword's blade is about two feet long. When she pulls out the swords blue mist rises from the blade. They're ice swords. She's crawling through the air vent. She then comes to a vent door. CUT TO: Ice Whores POV-It's the convention room through the vent slates. We zoom into Awesome Man signing autographs. CUT TO: Normal frame. ICE WHORE Ah ha. She punches open the vent door and crawls out of it. She does a flip and lands on her feet. Everyone around her stares as she walks down the hallway, towards Awesome Man's table. The crowd gets out of her way as she walks toward the table. On the way a security guard approaches her. She stops. SECURITY GUARD#1 Maim, I'm sorry, but you can't have weapons of any kind in the convention room. ICE WHORE Well, why not? She puts her finger to her lips, and sticks her finger in her mouth, and then back out. She then walks up to the security guard and rubs up against him. She also starts to rub her hands on him. ICE WHORE I'm sure that there's something I can do for you. So I can keep my itsy…bitsy…little swords. The security guard is speechless. He gulps. SECURITY GUARD#1 Well uh (gulps) … uh well uh. Just then Ice Whore grabs the security guard's neck and lifts him up in the air. He makes painful sounds. ICE WHORE Men, if there's, 't' and, 'a' involved you can control them like a you're a ventriloquist. She then twitched her hand a little. You hear a snapping sound. The security guard goes limp. She then lets go of her grip and he falls to the ground. By this time the crowd around her is screaming and running. She walks straight through the crowd to Awesome Man's table. Awesome Man is signing a picture of himself. He flicks it back to the person in line, and the person walks off. Awesome turns his head and sees Ice Whore standing right next to him. Awesome Man makes a face to suggest that she's hot. AWESOME MAN Everyone here are thirty-year old men who live in their parent's basement. You don't seem to fit in. So why are you here, baby? ICE WHORE Well this BABY wants that fire sword over there. AWESOME MAN Sorry honey the sword's off limits. Ice Whore bends over and leans on the table in front of Awesome Man, exposing cleavage. ICE WHORE You sure? Because I would just love it if you gave me that sword. I would do anything for it. AWESOME MAN (Gulps) Anything? Ice Whore stands up. ICE WHORE Anything. And keep in mind, I can stretch, (bends down and touches her toes.) but I'm very sensitive. (Grabs her breasts and pushes them together.) Awesome Man looks like he's about to have an orgasm. ICE WHORE So what would you like to do? AWESOME MAN Well…uh…I guess we can start off with a lap dance. ICE WHORE Nice choice. She kicks the table five feet away, so there's more room. Porno music starts, and then she starts with the lap dance. We get several shots form Awesome Man's POV. AWESOME MAN Ah yeah. The lap dance precedes for several minutes. Ice Whore reaches over to grab the sword. She grabs the handle and jumps up off Awesome Man. The music stops. ICE WHORE Ah fuck. She still has it in her hand. Smoke starts to rise from her hand. AWESOME MAN That'll teach ya. No one can touch that sword, except for the authorized people, me and Cooldude. And only the authorized people can make others authorized. It's a security function we made for it. I don't know why I'm telling you this important information. Awesome Man pulls the sword out of her hand. Ice Whore looks at her hand. There is a burn on it. The skin is bubbling. AWESOME MAN It's too bad, I would of considered giving you the sword, if you would've gone through with everything I wanted to do. Ice Whore looks stunned. ICE WHORE But…how did you trick me? My charm makes men do whatever i want. AWESOME MAN Because I'm trained in the ways of the hand. (He waves his hand.) Ice Whore gets mad. ICE WHORE That's it. She pulls her two swords out with her hands. She starts to twirl the swords around in her hands. Then she stops when the blades are crossed in an 'X'. ICE WHORE Your gonna give me that sword. (She points one of the swords at Awesome Man.) AWESOME MAN Wow you recovered from that burn pretty quickly, huh? (He straps the fire sword to his back.) Ice Whore starts to walk towards Awesome Man. Awesome Man walks backwards, away from Ice Whore. AWESOME MAN You know if you really wanted the sword, hurting me wouldn't change my mind. (Ice whore starts to walk faster, so Awesome Man walks faster also.) How bout we go back over to the chair and continue the lap dance? Then I'll think about it. ICE WHORE Enough talk. Awesome Man runs into a wall and he stays there looking around for a way to go. Ice Whore is getting closer and closer to Awesome Man. AWESOME MAN What happened to the flirty, sexy, persuasive you? She walks right up to Awesome Man so she's about one or two feet away from him. ICE WHORE By the way, people call me Ice Whore. AWESOME MAN Well why would anyone call you that? She swings one of the swords at his head. He ducks and she slashes the wall. The wall turns to ice. She tries to stab him while he's ducking with the other sword, but he moves out of the way. Awesome Man is now standing about four feet to the right of Ice Whore. She stands up straight and looks at him. Awesome Man looks at the wall. AWESOME MAN Oh, now I get it. She starts to run towards Awesome Man. AWESOME MAN Shit! When she gets to him she starts to swing and stab her swords at him. We show slow motion shots of him dodging the swords. She keeps running forward as he runs in reverse. Then she swings both of the blades really low. He does a matrix type thing where he's down low, but not touching the ground. After Ice Whore's swords are not over Awesome Man anymore, he falls to the ground. CUT TO: Awesome Man POV-Ice Whore is standing over Awesome Man. CUT TO: Normal shot. Ice Whore jumps on him so he can't get up. ICE WHORE You know, you're pretty fast. AWESOME MAN Well, when you're a super hero it helps to be fast. ICE WHORE You got a point there…So back to you giving me that sword. AWESOME MAN I'll never give you the Phoenix Sword. ICE WHORE Oh really? Well, we'll just have to see about that. What if I grabbed your sword and touched it to one of my swords? AWESOME MAN Then you would create steam? ICE WHORE No, dumbass, the magic of both swords would collide with each other and destroy all of existence. AWESOME MAN Yeah, but then you would die too. ICE WHORE Fuck I thought you wouldn't catch that. Wait I got one. You know this sword right here? (holds up one of the swords.) Well I can control how much it makes things freeze. If I touched this sword to the ground I could freeze not only the whole building, but also everyone touching the building. So that's basically everyone in here, huh? AWESOME MAN Just about. ICE WHORE But do you know what else I can do. I can make it so it doesn't freeze at all, but it's still pretty fucking cold. Cold enough to kill someone, but very, very slowly. I like to do it to people I want to torture. Do you want to experience that? AWESOME MAN No, not really. ICE WHORE Well then give me that sword! AWESOME MAN The closest you'll ever be able get to owning this sword is if I get it and shove it straight up your ass! ICE WHORE I'm very sorry to here that, Awesome Man. She holds up both of her swords. The blue mist disappears and the blades turn bright blue. She then places the flat part of the blades on Awesome Man's throat. He looks as if he is extremely cold, and in pain. ICE WHORE It's cold isn't it. Don't worry soon your whole body will become numb. Then, I promise, you won't feel a thing. AWESOME MAN You're a crazy bitch. Ice Whore takes one of the swords and points it at his throat, just above the skin. She leans close to Awesome Man. ICE WHORE Oh you have a potty mouth, maybe I should (slashes the blade just above his throat.) cut your vocal cords out, to teach you a lesson. AWESOME MAN I don't think I would like that, that much. ICE WHORE Oh well that's too bad. (Puts both swords close to her.) Awesome Man head butts Ice Whore. She moves just enough for Awesome Man to get his arms free. Awesome Man then punches her in the face about three times. She falls off him and Awesome Man jumps to his feet. She looks up at him and jumps to her feet also. She twirls the swords in her hands as they circle around each other. She lunges forward at him. He jumps onto his back as she flies over him. He kicks her out of the way. He jumps back to his feet and so does she. This time she just runs towards Awesome Man. Awesome Man just stands there. She gets to him and starts to swing the swords. He dodges about two of the swings from both arms. He grabs one of her arms and then kicks her in the side twice. She swings with her free hand and then he grabs that one. He twists both of her arms, and she drops the swords. He then lets go of her arms, jumps up in the air, and then starts to kick her in the face. She grabs his legs and throws him ten feet. He hits the ground and slides two or three feet. AWESOME MAN Fuck! Awesome Man jumps to his feet and runs towards Ice Whore who has her swords in her hands again. Her nose is bleeding and she wipes some blood away with her sleeve. He stops when he gets to her and then punches her in the face, twice. On the third one she stabs him with both the swords on either side of the arm that he was punching with. A giant ice block suddenly forms around Awesome Man. She pulls out the swords and holds them to her sides. She looks at the frozen Awesome Man and smiles. ICE WHORE What a weakling. I give em about five minutes, before he dies. Just then a whole line of super heroes start to walk down the isle. An army of cops is walking behind them. SUPER HERO#1 You're goin' down! Captain Cocksucker, go. CAPTAIN COCKSUCKER But how am I going to suck her to goodness if she doesn't have a cock? SUPER HERO#1 I don't know. Eat her out! CAPTAIN COCKSUCKER Ew! ICE WHORE Oh please, it doesn't smell that bad. Just for that, take this! She gets her two swords and connects them to each other by the bottoms of the handle. She then throws it. It twirls like a boomerang at a fast speed. It cuts the Super Hero #1's throat and then the boomerang sword comes back to Ice Whore. She catches it and holds it at her side. The super hero is still standing there; his neck is bleeding profusely. Blue mist is coming out of the wound. All the cops and super heroes are stunned. They're all staring at the super hero with the cut neck. Then Super Hero#1 falls to the ground. The second he touches the ground ice goes over him and spreads through the entire building. The super heroes, cops, and fans are frozen. We show the ice spread through hallways and rooms. A sheet of ice goes right underneath Ice Whore's feet and spreads over running fans and then up the walls. Ice Whore isn't harmed at all. She looks around the room. ICE WHORE What simple creatures. She splits the swords apart and puts one of them in its case. Then she walks up to Awesome Man. CUT TO: Awesome Man POV-Ice Whore is standing in front of the ice. She starts to swing and slash with the sword. Ice shavings are flying everywhere. Then she stops and looks at Awesome Man. CUT TO: Regular shot. Ice Whore is standing in front of Awesome Man. His head is now unfrozen. He starts to cough up ice. AWESOME MAN Fuckin' bitch! I'm gonna kick your ass. He tries to move, but can't. He looks down and then back at Ice Whore. AWESOME MAN Let me go, you slut! ICE WHORE Not slut, Ice Whore. AWESOME MAN Fuck you! Let me go now, or I'll… ICE WHORE Or you'll what? Freeze to death? Because that's all you're gonna do, frozen in a huge ice block. Now it looks like you're in a tough position. Not only are you frozen, but so is half the cops in the town, a butt load of people, and the entire super hero community in the South Western part of the United States! So what are you gonna do? Let yourself and a whole lot of others die, or save these people by doing what I ask? Awesome Man just stares at her. ICE WHORE I'll take your silence as a no to my offer. Okay I'll see you in hell, then. She puts her other sword in its case, turns around, and walks out of the room. Awesome Man is still struggling to get out. INT. STEVE AND CHARLIE'S HOUSE-DAY Steve is in the bathroom. The bathroom is white. White tiles lay on the floor and the shower wall. There's a toilet with a stack of porno magazines, science magazines, comics, and Wizard magazines. The toilet is in the back right of the bathroom. The bathroom counter is right next to the toilet. There's a mirror/cabinet above the counter. There's an almost used up bar of soap next to the sink. The toilet paper is connected to the side of the counter that the toilet is on. On the left side of the room is the shower. It takes up the whole side. It has a fish shower curtain. Steve is sitting of the toilet, reading a porno magazine. He's taking a crap. Charlie is in the kitchen. STEVE Hey Charlie, why do you think men have nipples? CHARLIE V.O. Fucked if I know. STEVE Women's nipples are so useful. They're pleasure sensitive and babies suck on them to get milk. Ours only tell us if it's cold out. CHARLIE V.O. Well they have to be used for something, or else why would we have 'em. STEVE It probably has something to do with evolution… Eh, who cares? Steve gets up and pulls up his pants. He looks in the toilet. STEVE Oh my God! It looks like I shat out a lung or something. I'm tellin' you; you need to see it. Charlie? Steve flushes the toilet, washes his hands and walks out. Charlie is in the kitchen. He has his back turned. He's looking into a mirror. STEVE Charlie, what the hell are you doing? Charlie turns around and has his face covered in gigantic warts. CHARLIE That bitch gave me the warts! There is a long pause STEVE Well, at least we got the wire set up. CHARLIE God dammit! Charlie smashes the mirror on the ground and walks to the other side of the kitchen. He faces the wall. STEVE You do know that that's bad luck, right? CHARLIE Shut the fuck up! STEVE Hey, don't take your troubles out on me. You can always cancel on Kimberly. Charlie turns to face Steve. CHARLIE Kimberly isn't like normal girls, Steve. You should know that! You dated her! If I cancel on her this late in the day, then she might think that I'm blowing her off! STEVE How bout we just go to the doctor and try to get some super cream or something. CHARLIE Yeah, some of that European shit! Let's go, we don't have a lot of time! They grab their jackets and run out the door. INT. CAR-DAY Steve and Charlie have their jackets on and are speeding down Highway 80. Richmond can be seen out the sides of the car. They're in the right lane and are about to approach an exist. Rock music is playing loudly from the CD player. Charlie is driving and Steve is sitting in the passenger seat, holding on to the handle that comes from the ceiling. We show a shot of the car swerving left and right in between cars. Then we go to the inside of the car. He turns on his right turn signal and turns off at an exit. STEVE What are you doing? Our doctor isn't in Berkeley. CHARLIE The doctor I want to see is in Berkeley. STEVE You're not talking about…? CHARLIE That's right, Doctor Bill. STEVE I don't even think that guy's a real doctor. CHARLIE Of course he is. Why would he call himself a doctor if he wasn't? STEVE Because he's a lunatic, maybe. I mean what kind of person calls himself Dr. Bill? Usually it's a last name after doctor, not a first name. CHARLIE Real doctor or no, this guy's gotta have some kind of super cream for this. He always has shit like that. STEVE Yeah, but do you remember the last time you used something he gave you? CHARLIE No. STEVE Of course you don't because the last medicine he gave you caused severe brain damage! CHARLIE I don't think that… Charlie's mouth drops open and he has a blank look on his face. Steve looks at Charlie for a second. STEVE Charlie, what the hell are you doing. (He hits Charlie.) Charlie? (He hits him again, harder.) Charlie! (He hits him harder.) Charlie comes back to life. CHARLIE Fuck! You here swerves, we show the car smash into a telephone pole. INT. COMIC LIVING ROOM-NIGHT Now instead of a poster, there's a clock that says 4:20 on it. Linda is sitting with her legs going across the couch. She's wearing tight low rider jeans with a yellow mid drift T-shirt. She's reading a newspaper: The Funkytown Tribune. Awesome Man kicks open then door and stands in the doorway. He's soaking wet from head to toe. He's still in his super hero outfit. Linda puts the paper down. LINDA What happened to you? AWESOME MAN Ice…lots and lots of ice. He walks very slowly to end of the couch that Linda's feet are on. AWESOME MAN Move. Linda sits indian style. Awesome Man sits down next to her. LINDA Didn't you bring the sword with you? AWESOME MAN Yeah, I put it back in the Hide Out of Magnificence. LINDA Hide Out of Magnificence? AWESOME MAN It's like the Bat Cave for me and Cooldude. Linda looks more intent. LINDA Where can someone find this? AWESOME MAN Up there own ass. LINDA Why hasn't Cooldude told me about the Hide Out of Magnificence? AWESOME MAN He's one of those guys that if you don't ask he won't tell. LINDA Well…uh…I gotta go to the bathroom. Linda gets up and walks out the door. AWESOME MAN Well that was kinda odd. (There is a pause. Then he shrugs.) Oh well. Awesome Man picks up a Playstation 2 controller of the ground and starts to play video games. You know this because colors from the TV are flashing on Awesome Man's face and there are noises of people getting hurt. EXT. BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA-DAY The street is busy. The neighborhood is kind of dirty. Some people are starting to surround the car, but are keeping their distance. The front of the car is smashed into a telephone poll. The windshield is cracked in a lot of places. You can hear sirens in the background. Charlie and Steve are still in the car. People can be seen through the window. Charlie is passed out and leaning forward. His forehead is bleeding. The blood is flowing down his face. Steve is leaning back in his chair. His forehead is bleeding a little bit. His eyes are closed. Then he moans and opens his eyes. He turns his head and looks at Charlie. STEVE Hey Charlie. You okay? (Pause.) Charlie? Steve shakes Charlie a little bit, but he stays limp. Steve sits up straight now. STEVE Stop fuckin' around, Charlie. I know you're just trying to get attention…Get up…get up…get up! The sirens are close now. You can see paramedics running around the car. They open both doors and start to treat them. They put Charlie and Steve on hospital beds. They start to wheel them away from the car. STEVE What's gonna happen to Charlie? MEDICAL GUY#1 We're not sure yet, sir. They put them in separate ambulances. They close the doors. INT. LIVING ROOM-DAY Steve is lying on the coach. He, all of a sudden, jolts awake. STEVE Son of a fuck hole! (He looks around him.) Wow, that was a horrible dream. CUT TO: The living room with Charlie on the coach. He's asleep. He doesn't have the warts. He all of a sudden jolts awake. CHARLIE Holy shit! (He looks around him.) Wow, I didn't know that it sucked that much to be Steve. Wait a second. Charlie jumps up and looks into the off television, so he can see his reflection. CHARLIE Yes, no warts! I new ten packs of baby wipes would do the trick. Steve walks into the room. STEVE Hey I think I got this wire thing figured out. Charlie stands up straight. CHARLIE Tight, show me how we're gonna do it. INT.STEVE'S ROOM-DAY There are posters of Kevin Smith movies on the walls. There's a desk on one side of the room. The top of the desk is covered in trash, papers, and folders. Steve is sitting in a chair opposite Charlie, who is sitting on the bed. The bed has Sponge Bob Square Pants sheets on it. Steve has the wire in his hands. STEVE Now take off your shirt. CHARLIE No, fag! STEVE It's for the wire, homophobe. CHARLIE Oh, okay. Charlie takes off his shirt. He doesn't have muscles, but he's not that fat. Steve grabs some duck tape from off the ground. STEVE I'm gonna tape this wire thingy to your chest. I'll be listening to your conversation next door, and you're gonna have an earpiece so you can here me. CHARLIE How am I going to hear you? STEVE I'm going to be talking into a microphone. CHARLIE Okay. STEVE Shall we begin? INT. COMIC LIVING ROOM-NIGHT There's a poster in the background that has a fat woman on it. Her back is turned and she's wearing a white thong with no bra or top. It says in red letters, 'It All About Da Chunkies!' We're where we last left Awesome Man. Cooldude walks in with an angered look on his face. He's not in his super hero state. He has a red shirt with a cartoon mini monkey on it. Underneath it says, 'Touch My Monkey' in yellow letters. He has a white hooded sweatshirt underneath the shirt. He walks up, behind Awesome Man, and hits him in the back of the head. Awesome Man flies off the coach and into the TV. The TV falls over and the glass breaks. Smoke starts to rise from the broken glass. Cooldude walks up to him. AWESOME MAN What the hell is shoved up your ass? Cooldude grabs Awesome Man by the shirt and lifts him off the ground and into the air. COOLDUDE Two condoms and a gerbil, but that's not the point. The question is: what the hell is shoved up your ass? Cooldude then throws Awesome Man to the other side of the room. Awesome Man hits the wall. AWESOME MAN Fuck! Then Awesome Man keels over and starts to cough. Cooldude walks across the room and stands over Awesome Man. COOLDUDE Okay, I'm gonna give you thirty seconds to explain yourself. Awesome Man gets up very slowly and cautiously. AWESOME MAN Cooldude, I really have no idea what you're talking about. Cooldude punches Awesome Man in the stomach. Awesome Man bends over in pain. He starts to cough again. COOLDUDE Did that refresh your memory? Awesome gets up very slowly and cautiously again. AWESOME MAN Okay, before you hit me again, how about we talk a little, I'll start. What're you talking about? COOLDUDE I'm talking about how you burned my girlfriend's fucking hand. We do a close up on Awesome Man. He has a look on his face as if he's putting two and two together. AWESOME MAN Wait…you said she has a burn on her hand? COOLDUDE Yeah a really bad burn! That, she said, you caused! AWESOME MAN Did she say how? COOLDUDE No I went over here to kick your ass before I let her tell me. AWESOME MAN Okay Cooldude, this is very important. Where is she now? COOLDUDE I sent her to the Hide Out of Magnificence to go get some super lotion. AWESOME MAN Fuck! Awesome Man runs out the door and down the hall. COOLDUDE Hey, where the hell are you going? I still need to kick your ass! Cooldude starts to run after Awesome Man. INT. A GAY MAN'S WALLET-NIGHT The night club is empty this time. None of the flashing lights are on. Just normal lights from the ceiling. Awesome Man comes running in from the doorway and runs up to the wall on the right. AWESOME MAN Awesome Man and Cooldude are the shiznik. Awesome Man and Cooldude are the shiznik! All of a sudden Cooldude runs in and grabs Awesome Man by the back of the shirt. Awesome Man jerks his head back and hits Cooldude in the head. Cooldude lets go. Awesome Man turns around and kicks Cooldude in the face. Cooldude flies about ten feet into some tables. AWESOME MAN Would you just fucking listen to me? Linda doesn't love you! She was just using you to get to the Phoenix Sword! Her name is Ice Whore, a new super villain. She tried to kill me and hella other people at the super hero convention! She got the burn from trying to take the sword, not from me! Now she can just grab the sword by the case and capture it. Eventually she'll crack the security lock. And we can't get into the Hide Out of Magnificence because she changed the password. Cooldude stands up. He's bleeding a little. COOLDUDE I don't believe you. AWESOME MAN Well believe it man. COOLDUDE You're full of shit! AWESOME MAN I'm fulla shit, huh? Try opening the door. Cooldude walks up to the wall. COOLDUDE Awesome Man and Cooldude are the shiznik. Awesome Man and Cooldude are the shiznik. Awesome Man and Cooldude are the shiznik! He leans his head up against the wall. He starts to cry a little. He pounds on the wall. AWESOME MAN Now that you look back on it, are there any times that she used sex to get her way? Cooldude just stays silent. AWESOME MAN I know it might be hard to get over her, Cooldude, but you have to believe me. Cooldude looks over at Awesome Man. COOLDUDE No, I don't believe you. Cooldude starts to walk towards Awesome Man. AWESOME MAN But dude what about all the evidence? I mean you can't just ignore the fact that the password has changed. COOLDUDE It's bullshit! Cooldude goes to punch Awesome Man, but he grabs his fist. AWESOME MAN She does this to everyone, Cooldude. COOLDUDE No! Cooldude pulls his fist back and strikes Awesome Man in the face. Then he does the same with the other fist. Awesome Man takes a couple steps back in pain. His nose is bleeding now. He wipes the blood away with his hand, and then wipes his hand on his jeans. Cooldude walks towards Awesome Man. AWESOME MAN Listen, Cooldude, I'm not gonna fight you. COOLDUDE Well that's too bad. Cooldude tries to punch Awesome Man, but he ducks out of the way. Cooldude kicks Awesome Man in the balls. AWESOME MAN Fuckin' prick! He cups his nuts and falls over. Cooldude picks up Awesome Man by grabbing his shirt with one hand. Awesome Man's feet aren't touching the ground. Awesome Man kicks Cooldude in the nuts. Cooldude drops Awesome Man to the floor and Cooldude falls to the ground. Awesome Man gets up slowly and is bent over a table. We just see Awesome Man in the frame. AWESOME MAN Once a nut has been hit all promises and rules don't apply anymore. All of a sudden Cooldude's foot comes up from the bottom of the frame. It hits Awesome Man in the face and then goes back down off screen. Awesome Man falls over backwards. Cooldude jumps to his feet. COOLDUDE Bitch. Awesome Man jumps to his feet and starts to punch Cooldude. Cooldude blocks them all and tries to kick Awesome Man in the stomach with the retractable spikes coming out the front of his shoes. Awesome Man grabs Cooldude's leg and spins it. Cooldude spins with the leg and hits the ground, face down. He pushes himself into the air and does a bicycle kick. Awesome Man blocks them all. Cooldude lands on his feet and does a spin around kick into Awesome Man's side. Awesome Man flies into a railing. AWESOME MAN Ah fuck He almost stumbles, but regains his balance. Right then Cooldude's fist goes flying into Awesome Man's face. Awesome Man flies back five feet. He jumps back to his feet. His nose is bleeding again. AWESOME MAN Okay now it's on. Awesome Man takes a kung fu stance. Cooldude takes a kung fu stance as well. They run at each other and start to fight in kung fu. The fight lasts for five minutes or so. They jump off walls and do back flips and things like that. They get pretty bloody. We get several bullet times and slow motion shots of people fighting in the air. Awesome Man jumps off walls a lot because of his super bounce shoes. Cooldude moves across the floor super fast. Awesome Man has trouble keeping up with him mid-fight. In part of the fight Cooldude throws his C blades at Awesome Man. We do a bullet time shot of Awesome Man dodging the C blades by doing a back flip. Immediately afterwards Cooldude has his C blades back on his belt. We get Cooldude to use the spikes in his shoes, by having him run up walls. Mid-fight Cooldude gets Awesome Man in a hold. He puts pressure on Awesome Man. Awesome Man is in pain. COOLDUDE It looks like I'm winning. Awesome Man reverses the hold and then they keep fighting. Awesome Man keeps up better this time. At the end of the fight Awesome Man does an upward, opened hand jab into Cooldude's nose. Cooldude falls to the ground. Awesome Man looks down on him. They both are a bloody mess. AWESOME MAN Well, Cooldude, you have one weakness, Cockiness. When you get cocky, you slip up. And that's when I strike. You used my weakness against me; I used your weakness against you. (Awesome Man kicks Cooldude in the side. Cooldude flies over the railing and into some tables.) I'm sorry I had to do that Cooldude, but it was for your own good. Awesome Man walks up to the wall and examines it. INT. CAFÉ & RESTAURANT-NIGHT The café has a counter in one corner of the room. In the other corner are a bunch of tables and comfy chairs. Steve is sitting in one of the comfy chairs. He has a latte with extra foam. He has an earpiece in his ear, a transmitter on the table, and a microphone on the table. The restaurant is pretty big. Charlie and Kimberly are sitting at a table. A tiny flesh colored earwig is in Charlie's ear. Charlie is wearing a white collared dress shirt with a black jacket over it and black slacks. The top button is unbuttoned. Kimberly is wearing a small black dress. Charlie has a beer and Kimberly has a martini. Kimberly has the lobster and Charlie has the steak. We show a shot of the outside of the buildings. They're in San Francisco and it's nighttime. We show the undisturbed outside. Then Kevin and Andy drive by in a red pick up truck. They're in the tailgate. The car is going slow across the scene. Andy is wearing a Hard Rock T-shirt with a snow jacket over it with jeans. Kevin is wearing a big red T-shirt that says, 'FRUITCAKE' in white letters. He has a black hooded sweatshirt under it. He's wearing baggy jeans. They're holding up Carl, the trash can, up in the air. It has a red cape and it's in a flying position. KEVIN & ANDY Go Super Carl, go! ANDY Here he comes to save the day! KEVIN & ANDY It's Super Carl! Yeah! They drive out of the frame. CUT TO: Steve in the café. He takes a sip of his latte. STEVE Okay, Charlie, if you can here me say something. CHARLIE V.O. You're looking beautiful tonight. STEVE Why thank you Charlie, I didn't you thought of me that way. CHARLIE V.O. I wasn't talking to you. CUT TO: Charlie and Kimberly. KIMBERLY What? CHARLIE Oh, nothing. KIMBERLY You seem kind of nervous. Charlie is sweating profusely. CHARLIE Me…I'm not nervous. KIMBERLY Okay, anyway what's the new issue about? CHARLIE It's about an evil succubus who uses Cooldude to get the Phoenix Sword, but you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. KIMBERLY What would make you think that? CHARLIE You know stuff about comics? When we were talking about the comic earlier, I thought her were just bullshitting. KIMBERLY No, actually, I got into comics when I was doing Steve. CHARLIE Really? KIMBERLY Yeah I read them while I was having sex with him. Kept me entertained. Charlie and Kimberly start to laugh. STEVE V.O. Fuck you, whore! It's so loud that Charlie turns his head a little. KIMBERLY Something wrong? CHARLIE Oh no, nothing. So have you read any of our stuff? KIMBERLY Well today after we met I went out and got the trade paper back of the first issue. CHARLIE Really, how'd you like it? KIMBERLY It was…interesting to say the least. CHARLIE You know that's what Wizard magazine said about it. KIMBERLY Oh yeah, your guys' comic was the cover story in September. CHARLIE Yeah, we have the magazine framed. KIMBERLY Where did you hang it? CHARLIE Actually we never got around to hanging it up. Kimberly laughs a little. CHARLIE Yeah me and Steve are kinda lazy. Charlie takes the earwig out and throws it behind him. It lands in someone's beer. CUT TO: Steve in the cafe. He taps on the microphone a little. STEVE Hello, Charlie? Bitch. CUT TO: Kimberly and Charlie. KIMBERLY So, let's get to know each other better. Turn ons? All of a sudden you hear a glass breaking on the ground. You can see a guy choking at the table where Charlie threw the earwig. Charlie looks over and Kimberly grabs his chin and moves his head back so he's facing her. CHARLIE Oh uh…long hair, big tits, and catholic schoolgirls, you? KIMBERLY Strongmen, big cock, and money. CHARLIE I thought women said size doesn't matter? KIMBERLY Oh…it matters. The choking guy grabs someone by the shirt and punches him in the face. He keeps on throwing a fit. CHARLIE What about a sense of humor? KIMBERLY Listen, no woman gives a shit about a sense of humor. CHARLIE Well then, I'm fucked. KIMBERLY Fucked in the asshole to be exact. Turn offs? Some guy gives the choking guy the hemlock maneuver. He spits the earwig out. ANONYMOUS GUY#1 My eye! Charlie looks over and then back at her. CHARLIE Freckles, bad odor, and myself. I'm not that picky. You? KIMBERLY Long hair; bushy beards; people who hock loogies, and ,of course, small dicks. CHARLIE Of course. KIMBERLY I'm bored, let's go somewhere. CHARLIE But we haven't even paid yet. KIMBERLY So, let's just leave. CHARLIE But that's illegal. KIMBERLY What…are you scared? CHARLIE (Pause.) Fuck no! C'mon Kimberly, let's go. This place is fucked up anyway. INT. HIDE OUT OF MAGNIFICENCE-NIGHT The Hide Out of Magnificence has a bunch of gadgets on the floor and hanging on walls. You can see Awesome Man's and Cooldude's outfits hanging on walls, too. There are some computers in the middle. Some huge tanks are in one corner, near the passageway to get in. There's a nuclear reactor, similar to the one in the bat cave, in one corner. We start the scene in A Gay Man's Wallet. Awesome Man is on one knee in the night club. Cooldude is on the floor, unconscious. A tile is gone from the wall and he's messing with the wires inside. AWESOME MAN I think I've got it. Awesome Man fiddles with some wires, and then tiles start to move away from the wall, one by one, revealing the Hide Out of Magnificence. Awesome Man walks in. The doorway closes behind him. Awesome Man looks around. He presses the side of his glasses. CUT TO: Awesome Man Infrared POV-Awesome Man scans the room, but no living objects are detected. AWESOME MAN No good. CUT TO: Normal frame. AWESOME MAN Where the hell is she? All of a sudden a robot with missiles and machine guns walks up on the other side of the hide out. The robot stops and turns towards Awesome Man. AWESOME MAN Fuck! The robot starts to fire its machine guns. Awesome Man runs and dives behind some tanks. The firing ceases. Awesome Man runs in between the tanks. He comes out behind a pile of gadgets. He looks over and sees the robot walking toward the tanks. He fumbles around and finds a golden sphere. AWESOME MAN Eureka. He turns the upper half to the right. You here a ticking noise. Awesome Man stands up straight revealing himself. AWESOME MAN Hey robo-dumbass! The robot turns and looks at Awesome Man. Awesome Man throws the sphere at the robot. It hits him in the head and then hits the floor. AWESOME MAN Suck on that, biatch! He ducks back down and you here and explosion. Some things fly over head. He gets back up and looks over. There's a pile of rubble and smoke. AWESOME MAN God dammit, that was my favorite robot. He starts to walk forward, but very cautiously. He's walking toward the other end of the hide out. All of a sudden a little tiny silver robot crawls out from behind a huge pile. It looks like a spider. Awesome Man stops in his tracks. He freezes as if not trying to move. The robot keeps crawling and then stops. A door on the top opens, and a laser gun on the end of a stick extends out about four feet in the air. Then the gun starts to swivel around in circles. Awesome Man twitches a little; the gun stops swiveling, and turns in the opposite direction. It stops when it's pointing at Awesome Man. AWESOME MAN Fuck. The laser gun starts to shoot at Awesome Man. Awesome Man uses his super bounce shoes to jump up towards the ceiling. He then kicks off the ceiling and flies to the top of one of the tanks. He kicks off the top of the tank and starts to fly towards the laser gun. He's twirling through the air so he can dodge the lasers. When he gets to it, in the air, he grabs the gun and rips it off as he flies over the robot. He lands on the ground. AWESOME MAN That was another favorite. Hey Ice Whore! Why don't you be a man and come out here? ICE WHORE I'm not a man. I'm one hundred percent woman! She walks out from behind a pile of gadgets. She has a huge gun in her hand. The gun launches little boomerang blades. AWESOME MAN Not my blade launcher. She starts to fire them. He jumps towards Ice Whore and starts to twirl and do flips in the air. We show him in slow motion, as he dodges the blades. He lands on one knee in front of Ice Whore. He jumps up and kicks the gun out of her hand. Every so often a boomerang blade comes and bounces off his cape. He catches the gun in the air and hits her in the head with it. He twirls it from hand to hand and hits her in the head whenever it goes by her. Then she grabs it on the fifth pass and kicks Awesome Man in the nuts. Awesome Man lets go of the gun and falls to the ground. He bends over in pain on the ground. AWESOME MAN Why is my nuts such a favored target? I think you broke one! She points the gun at his head. ICE WHORE Time to die bitch! She starts to fire, but he engulfs himself in his titanium threaded cape first. All the boomerangs hit the cape and bounce off in different directions. It keeps going like this for thirty seconds. Then the gun runs out of boomerangs. You hear a couple clicks, indicating that it's out of ammo. Awesome Man throws the cap off his head, jumps up in the air, and kicks Ice Whore in the face. She drops the gun and flies over the gadget pile and into the wall. She then falls to the ground. Awesome Man jumps over the pile and walks to Ice Whore. Ice Whore jumps to her feet and starts to fight Awesome Man. She pulls out her swords and starts to fight with them. They walk towards the entrance as they fight. Awesome Man dodges the swords and gets a couple hits in on her. He kicks her in the stomach and she flies away about ten feet. She jumps up, connects her swords, and throws it at Awesome Man. Awesome Man does a back flip to dodge the boomerang sword. The boomerang sword sticks into the wall. He looks at the sword and jumps up to do another back flip as the whole room covers in ice. He lands on the floor after the ice spreads over the room. He looks back at her. She starts to run towards Awesome Man. She reaches Awesome Man and they start to fight kung fu. They fly through the air a lot. We get some bullet time shots and slow motion shots. They fight for about two to three minutes and then she jumps up in the air, wraps her thighs around his neck, and squeezes. He starts to choke. He stumbles around for five seconds and then falls down backwards. She starts to punch Awesome Man in the face. Awesome Man puts his legs up in the air, hooks them around Ice Whore's neck, and then converts his weight so that he goes up and she's laying on the floor. Her legs are still around his neck. He starts to punch her in the face now. ICE WHORE Listen, we're not going anywhere with this. They both let go of their holds and do back flips in opposite directions. They do kung fu poses and then they jump at each other to fight. This fight scene is like the last, almost. We get slow motion shots and bullet time shots. This fight lasts about two to three minutes. Ice Whore runs up a wall, kicks off it, and kicks Awesome Man in the chest. Awesome Man flies across the room, behind a pile of gadgets. Ice Whore stops and looks at the gadget pile for thirty seconds. She starts to walk towards it slowly. Then Awesome Man jumps up. He's holding a big gatlin gun. AWESOME MAN Eat led mother fucka! He fires the gun right when a blur flies past the screen and knocks the gun to the ground. The blur stops, and it's Cooldude. He's in his super hero form, and he has his sword strapped around his back. He's holding Ice Whore's boomerang sword to his side. He has a red T-shirt that says, 'Ass Grabber' on it. Underneath he has a white long sleeve shirt. COOLDUDE I can't let you do that, Awesome Man. EXT. PARK-NIGHT The park has green grass, trees, and benches. It's dark but there are several lamps on. Charlie and Kimberly walk on the screen kissing. They're kissing very hotly. Kimberly stops kissing and throws Charlie onto a grass hill. CHARLIE Shit. Kimberly makes a growl noise and jumps on Charlie. They start to kiss, rub and squeeze each other. Kimberly starts to dry hump Charlie. CHARLIE Oh yeah. Kimberly starts to put her hands through his hair. Charlie puts his hand behind her head and starts to squeeze her tit with the other hand. They lean up a little, and Charlie takes his jacket off. Then they go back to the ground. CHARLIE Ow! KIMBERLY What? CHARLIE You dug your heel into my leg. KIMBERLY I'm sorry. CHARLIE Just as long as you make it up to me. Kimberly kicks off her high heels and starts to unzip her dress. She leans up so she's on her knees, and then she slides the dress down to her knees. She has a black bra and thong. She goes back down and starts to kiss Charlie again. As she does that she pulls her dress all the way off. Charlie unbuckles his belt and pulls down his pants down to his ankles. He has smiley face boxers, the ones with the smiley face on the ass. They keep kissing and groping and then Kimberly rips open Charlie's shirt. She stops and looks at the microphone and transmitter taped to his chest. She grabs at the microphone and rips it off. CHARLIE Fuck! Kimberly sits on her knees. KIMBERLY What the hell is this? She gets up to her feet. CHARLIE Oh shit, uh…um…it's a long story. KIMBERLY Well what it looks like is that you have someone listening in on our every word. Charlie gets to his feet. CHARLIE Well the thing is Kimberly, I was so nervous about our date that I asked Steve to listen in and give me some pointers on what to say. But half way through the date I unclenched and I through my earwig out. KIMBERLY Do you know how sick and twisted that is? CHARLIE Yes I do, but I have a good reason why you shouldn't be mad at me. KIMBERLY I'm listening. CHARLIE Kimberly, I love you. Kimberly just stares at him. Charlie pulls up his pants and picks up his jacket. CHARLIE Yeah I'm gonna go. KIMBERLY Yeah I think that's a good idea. Charlie is about to walk away, but then stops. CHARLIE Oh one more thing, you give me one mean hard on. Kimberly picks up her shoe and throws it at Charlie's head. It hits him in the forehead. CHARLIE Fuck! (He puts his hand over his forehead.) You know what? I probably deserve that, so I'm just gonna go. KIMBERLY Yeah you do that! Charlie walks off, and Kimberly starts to put on her dress and shoes. KIMBERLY I can't believe that prick. INT. LIVING ROOM-NIGHT Charlie and Steve are sitting on the couch. South Park is on TV. Charlie has changed, and he has a Band-Aid on his forehead. CHARLIE And that's what happened. Steve falls back in laughter. STEVE Yeah, I think we looked over that part of the plan, huh. CHARLIE Yeah! STEVE Well that sucks. Want me to cheer you up? CHARLIE No. STEVE Well I'm going to anyway. I heard this joke a couple days ago. Two condoms walk into a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, 'Lets get shit faced.' There's complete silence. Charlie has a blank look on his face. STEVE Not in the mood, huh. (There's a pause.) I got it; I know what'll cheer you up. CHARLIE What? EXT. COURT-NIGHT It's nighttime on the court. All the lights are out in the houses, but the streetlights are on. Steve and Charlie's car is in the middle of the court. Steve and Charlie walk in the frame. Charlie is holding a molitov cocktail. Steve lights it up with a lighter. STEVE Ready, chuck it! Charlie tosses it through the air. It smashes through the window of one of the houses. CHARLIE Take that you wart-faced bitch! They start to laugh, and then they run into their car and skid off right when a light comes on in the house. INT. CAR-NIGHT CHARLIE You're right that did cheer me up, thanks. STEVE No gratitude required, the pleasure was all mine. Now how bout we get piss drunk before we get busted for arson? CHARLIE Sounds good. INT. HIDE OUT OF MAGNIFICENCE-NIGHT Where we last left them. AWESOME MAN Fine, (He pulls out a handgun out of the gadget pile and points it at Cooldude.) then I'll kill you both. COOLDUDE Oh please, you're not gonna shoot me. AWESOME MAN You don't think I will? COOLDUDE No I don't. In fact, I'm so sure you won't shoot me that I'll give you a free shot. Cooldude stands up straight with his face pointing upwards. Awesome Man pauses for a couple seconds. He's pointing the gun at Cooldude's head. Then he fires. Cooldude ducks below the bullet, jumps up in the air, kicks the gun out of Awesome Man's hand, and then kicks Awesome Man in the face with his other foot. Awesome Man goes flying. His sunglasses also fall off and fly across the room. His mouth is bleeding now. Awesome Man gets to his knees and starts to spit out blood. COOLDUDE I can't believe you were actually gonna kill me. Your best friend and partner for all these years. AWESOME MAN Justice over love, old friend. COOLDUDE Oh Linda, here's your ice swords. He throws the ice boomerang sword towards Ice Whore and she catches it and throws it at Awesome Man. It sticks in his side and he freezes instantly. ICE WHORE Thanks honey. COOLDUDE How long can he live like that? ICE WHORE About five minutes. (Starts to rub up against Cooldude.) But what I want to do takes much longer. COOLDUDE Damn your name doesn't lie, does it? Ice Whore puts her arm around Cooldude's neck. In her hand that's around Cooldude's neck is a syring. She laughs a little, then she injects the liquid into Cooldude's neck. COOLDUDE Fuck. Ice Whore pulls the syring out as Cooldude falls to the ground. ICE WHORE Too easy. EXT. DREAM LAND-DAY Dream Land is a cartoon. Cooldude is the only real life person. Cooldude is in his pajamas, and his sword isn't there. There are forests, gum drop lakes, lollypop trees, and talking animals. The sun is a huge smiley face. Disney type music is playing. The flowers have faces and are swaying to the music. Cooldude is frolicking through the green grass. He's looking around himself in amazement. Birds are flying around and sitting on trees. Fish are jumping in and out of the lake. The birds are whistling the tune of the music that is playing. Cooldude frolics over to the forest and stops to look up at the birds. He smiles and starts to whistle with them. Then he frolics into the forest. As he frolics through the forest birds, deer, rabbits, and squirrels follow him. He stops at a clearing of trees. The sun is shining down on him. He gets on his knees and looks up at the sun. The animals surround him. All of a sudden a rainbow comes out from underneath him. He flies up in the air, riding on the rainbow. The rainbow rises high into the air and then arches down into the lake. Cooldude falls through the water and keeps falling until he reaches the bottom of the lake. He stands up and looks around. Tons of fish and mermaids are swimming around him. He starts to walk around. There are clams around him who are opening and closing their shells to the beat of the music. A fish swims up to his face. He grabs the fish and takes a bite out of it. He lets go of the fish and the fish just winks at him and swims away. Cooldude waves at him as he swims; he keeps walking. A mermaid swims up to him. Cooldude waves hi, and the mermaid waves bye. Cooldude looks confused for a second. Then the ground breaks apart from underneath him and he falls into the darkness. INT. PRISON SHOWERS-DAY It's a typical public prison shower room. There's a man for every shower faucet. We blur all the private parts. Cooldude is naked and has a blur that touches the ground. Even though he's naked, he still has his mask on. He's wiping himself with soap on a rope and is whistling to the tune of the music that was playing in Dream Land. He's washing his chest when all of a sudden the soap slips out of his hands. He stops whistling, and make the soap dropping look very dramatic. We make heavy thud sounds when the soap bounces on the ground. We start playing dramatic music. Cooldude looks from left to right. CUT TO: A swivel shot of the rest of the prisoners. They all have evil grins on their faces. CUT TO: Regualr shot. Cooldude bends over to pick up the soap. A shadow casts over Cooldude. CUT TO: An extreme close up of Cooldude with his eyes wide open. He makes a noise to suggest that he's in pain. INT. COOLDUDE'S ROOM-NIGHT The walls are black. The floor is covered in dirty clothes. There are shelves full of bongs and pipes. There's a closet in the corner and a bed in the other. There's a wooden chair across from the bed. Cooldude is lying on the bed. His hands are tied to the bedpost. He's in heart boxers and a wife beater. He's passed out. Awesome Man is awake, and is in his smiley face boxers. He is sitting on the wooden chair. His hands are tied behind the chair. His legs are tied together with rope. And his chest is tied to the chair with rope. He's struggling to get free. Cooldude starts to kick his legs. He jolts awake. COOLDUDE Son of a butt fucker! He tries to move his hands, and then realizes that he's handcuffed. He looks at himself and then at Awesome Man. COOLDUDE What in the hell? AWESOME MAN It's a long story. Cooldude looks at himself and then at Awesome Man. COOLDUDE Well it looks like we have a lot of time. AWESOME MAN Ice Whore drugged you. You had tremendous sex, and then you authorized her for the sword. When she got her hands on it she unauthorized us. I unthawed myself and tried to stop her, but she brain washed me with her sexiness and then gave me a BJ. I got tied to this chair because I thought it was some kind of kinky sex game, but then she just left. So now we're screwed because I smell smoke. Cooldude just nods. COOLDUDE So I guess you were right, then. Thanks for not rubbing it in my face. AWESOME MAN What are friends for? COOLDUDE How could she trick everyone into doing what she wants? AWESOME MAN The poon tang. Cooldude nods again. COOLDUDE How'd you get unfrozen? AWESOME MAN The same way I got free the last time. I pissed myself, causing the ice to melt. COOLDUDE You know, if I had a quarter for everytime I pissed myself to get unthawed...So, time to get out of here. He jerks his hands forward. The tied up pieces of the bedpost come off the bed. He unties his hands, gets out of bed, and unties Awesome Man. Awesome Man gets up. AWESOME MAN Lets get the hell out of here. They walk to the door, open it, and walk through. INT. AWESOME MAN AND COOLDUDE'S BUILDING-NIGHT The whole building is on fire and filled with smoke. Cooldude and Awesome Man are walking through the hallway. AWESOME MAN Holy shit! COOLDUDE Lets get the hell out of here. They hurry down the hallway and open the door. On the other side of the door is a staircase. Everything is on fire. AWESOME MAN This is like the worst place to be bare foot. They start to make their way down the staircase. A burning beam falls between Awesome Man and Cooldude. The flames rise high. Cooldude is on the other side of the flames. AWESOME MAN Come on! Cooldude jumps through the flames. When he hits the ground on the other side the floor breaks and Awesome Man and Cooldude fall through. AWESOME MAN & COOLDUDE Shit! They fall through all the sets of stairs, until they hit the floor at ground level. They just lay there for a second. COOLDUDE That hurt. They get up and walk through a door. Now they're in the nightclub. The nightclub is also on fire. They walk through the nightclub and towards the front door. They walk up to the front door and the doorposts fall down, blocking the door and creating a huge fireball. AWESOME MAN Fuck! COOLDUDE What the hell are we gonna do now? AWESOME MAN The Hide Out of Magnificence, come on! They run over to the wall. COOLDUDE What's the password? AWESOME MAN Ice Whore is a fucking bitch! (The wall opens up.) I changed it when I thawed out myself. They run through the entrance, and it closes up behind them. INT. BAR-NIGHT It's late; there is a bar counter and bar stools along one side of the bar. There are windows and doors on the other side of the bar. Neon lights are on the walls and windows. There are several pool tables in the middle of the bar, and a dartboard on the wall. There are some tables next to the window. Steve and Charlie are playing pool. Charlie is solids and Steve is stripes. Charlie bends over to shoot while Steve is chalking up his cue. STEVE So…who do you think is the hottest Spice Girl? CHARLIE Baby Spice, definitely. (He hits the cue ball and stands up straight.) Dammit. STEVE I don't know, Ginger Spice was pretty hot. She was in Playboy, you know. CHARLIE Yeah, the May 1998 issue. Don't quiz me on Playboy man. Steve bends down to hit the cue ball. STEVE So you're tellin' me that you don't think that Ginger Spice is the hottest Spice Girl? CHARLIE She would be the hottest Spice Girl, if she was one. Remember? She quit. Which automatically disqualifies her. STEVE Eh well put this in your pipe and smoke it. (He hits the cue ball and stands up straight.) Suck on that! Steve walks around the table, stops, and bends over to hit the ball. CHARLIE So who do you think is the hottest Bay Watch babe? STEVE It's a tie between Yasmine Bleeth and Pamela Anderson. CHARLIE Really, I thought you were gonna say that Pamela Anderson would win the whole thing. STEVE She would surely win the big boobs competition, but not the hot competition. It'd have to be a tie if not second. (He hits the cue ball and stands up.) Boo-ya, biatch! CHARLIE Oh fuck you. Steve walks along the pool table, stops, and bends over. STEVE Oh don't be jealous because I kick ass at pool. CHARLIE Eh shut up. You were on an amateur league. STEVE So were you! CHARLIE Fuck you. STEVE No, fuck you. CHARLIE Where you gonna call it? STEVE Side pocket. (He hits the cue ball and stands up.) Oh my, did I just win another one? I'm pretty sure that's another round of beers you have to pay for. CHARLIE Do you want to get it now? STEVE Why not? They rest their cues against the pool table and walk over to the bar counter. CHARLIE Two beers. They sit down and the bar tender puts down two coasters and two beers. STEVE Thanks. Charlie pulls out a wad of cash from his pocket and slaps it on the counter. The bar tender takes it and walks off. CHARLIE Do you know what kills me? STEVE What? CHARLIE No matter how hammered you get, you still kick my ass at pool. STEVE When I played pool in the amateur leagues I would get piss drunk before hand. It's one of those activities that getting drunk makes it just that much more fun. Another one is drawing. CHARLIE Oh yeah, lets go home and do drunken drawing. We can make hella fucked up short comics and shit. STEVE Sounds good to me. They chug their beers and leave. EXT. FUNKYTOWN-DAY It's sunny outside. Cooldude and Awesome Man are on a rooftop. Across the street is a hotel. Awesome Man and Cooldude are in their super hero outfits, except Cooldude doesn't have his sword. Cooldude is wearing a white T-shirt with a picture of a teddy bear on it. He has a blue long sleeve shirt underneath. All of a sudden you hear someone singing a Barry Manalo song. Then Ultimate Manalo flies to the rooftop next to Cooldude. He has a red cape with a green shirt and blue slacks. He has an emblem on his chest that's a microphone with a circle around it. It says Ultimate Manalo around the microphone. COOLDUDE Aw crap, what're you doing here Ultimate Manalo? ULTIMATE MANALO (Sings) Looks like we made it! AWESOME MAN Shut up Manalo. Cooldude punches Manalo. ULTIMATE MANALO Okay…I can tell when I'm not wanted. COOLDUDE You're very perceptive. Ultimate Manalo looks around. Cooldude and Awesome Man have blank looks on their faces. ULTIMATE MANALO Okay… (sings and then starts to fly away) Her name was Lola! She was a show girl… COOLDUDE After you. Awesome Man walks backwards to about the middle of the building. Then he starts to run. When he reaches the ledge he jumps in the air and kicks off the side of the building. He goes flying across the street. He lands on the penthouse balcony of the hotel. He turns around and looks at Cooldude. AWESOME MAN Your turn! Cooldude spits on his hands and rubs them together as he walks backwards until he gets to a spot with some pipes that go overhead. He grabs the pipes and hoists himself up. He starts moving his legs, as if he's running. First very slowly, then it gets faster and faster until his legs are just a blur. Then he drops to the ground and takes off, across the rooftop and through the air. He lands right next to Awesome Man. COOLDUDE You see I don't need super bounce shoes or built in brass knuckles, like you. I have super speed. Momentum can make more damage then strength. AWESOME MAN Eh, blow it out your ass. COOLDUDE Maybe later, but now I got to have some payback on that slut in there. (Points to the sliding glass door with a curtain.) AWESOME MAN Let's go. They walk up to the door. Cooldude knocks on the door. COOLDUDE Puzzie's Pizza! If we're not here in thirty minutes or less, you get some puzzie for free. A muscular man in a Speedo pushes the curtain aside and opens the door. SPEEDO GUY#1 What is your business at the Fortress of Slutitude? AWESOME MAN Yeah, Ice Whore burned our building down last night, and we just want to give her the bill. So if you could step aside, then… SPEEDO GUY#1 She does not wish to see you at the moment. AWESOME MAN Well that's too bad. Cooldude? (He snaps his fingers.) Cooldude pinches Speedo Guy#1's shoulder. He makes a painful sound and then falls to the ground. COOLDUDE Let's go. They step over the man and walk inside. INT. FORTRESS OF SLUTITUDE-DAY The place has a bunch of Speedo guys who act as guards. The fortress is exactly like a penthouse of a hotel. All the lights are off, but there are candles lit everywhere. Incense is burning all over the place. Everything is pink. There is a hot tub in the floor near the bedroom door, but the hot tub is off. Cooldude and Awesome Man look around. AWESOME MAN God this place is girly! All the Speedo Guys look at them. SPEEDO GUY#2 Intruder! All the Speedo Guys in the room run up to them. Cooldude walks through the crowd. He pinches all the guy's shoulders as he goes by. Sending them to the ground. Awesome Man makes his way through the crowd by punching people like a boxer. He starts to hop around. AWESOME MAN (He turns his head to dodge some guy's punch, and then he punches him in the face. Sending him to the ground.) God these guys are pussies. (He fakes a punch with his right hand.) Am I comin' over here? (He then punches the guy in the face with his left hand.) No, I'm comin' from here. The guy falls to the ground. They make their way through the crowd, knocking out everyone along their way. When they finish off the crowd, they just look at each other. COOLDUDE Damn those guys were weak. AWESOME MAN Yeah… (He bends over and picks up someone by the neck. His feet dangle above the ground.) Which room is Ice Whore in? SPEEDO GUY#3 That one. (He points over to the bedroom door.) AWESOME MAN Thanks. He lets go of the guy's neck and he falls to the ground. COOLDUDE I guess we go over there. He nods his head towards the bedroom door. They walk up to the door, and Awesome Man tries to open it. The door is locked. They look at each other and nod. Then they both back up and kick the door in simultaneously. They walk in the bedroom. The bedroom is blood red. Hanging on the wall is sex toys. Instead of a bed there are a bunch of Speedo Guys on their hands and knees lined up one next to another. There is a metal chair in the back corner of the room. It has leather straps on the arms legs and back of the chair. Ice Whore is wearing a red bikini/thong outfit. She's lying on the bed of men while another Speedo Guy feeds her grapes. ICE WHORE Hello boys! Have a good night? AWESOME MAN Well I liked the BJ part, but the burning building part was not cool. ICE WHORE I knew you were gonna get out alive, you boys are clever. COOLDUDE Enough talk. Cooldude throws the Cs that are on his belt at the Speedo Guys. The Cs hit the Speedo Guys, sending them to the ground. Ice Whore falls down with them. ICE WHORE Well that wasn't very nice. She gets up, off the men. COOLDUDE Well it had to be done. Ice Whore turns around so her back is facing them. Then she bends over and lifts up one of the guys' heads. She then turns her head so Cooldude and Awesome Man can see her face. ICE WHORE Would ya look at this sorry guy; you killed him. Cooldude's jaw is dropped and his eyes are wide open. Awesome Man looks over at Cooldude and then smacks him on the arm. He shakes his head and goes back to normal. COOLDUDE Your games won't work this time. She stands up, turns around, bends over, and squeezes her arms together. Also squeezing her boobs together. ICE WHORE Oh, well why not? Cooldude and Awesome Man are both speechless. Ice Whore stands up straight, walks up to Cooldude, and rubs up against him. ICE WHORE You know, I was about to get in the hot tub. Do you want to join me? COOLDUDE Yes…yes I do. She turns around, walks up to Awesome Man, and starts to rub up against him. ICE WHORE You know. You're welcome to come too. Awesome Man stands there looking down at Ice Whore. AWESOME MAN I'm sorry, but I'll have to take a rain check. ICE WHORE Well that's too bad. (She walks over and holds Cooldude's hand.) Go in and warm the hot tub up for me. COOLDUDE Okay. He turns and walks out the door. ICE WHORE Your turn. Ice Whore punches Awesome Man in the chest. He flies into the chair. She walks over to him and fastens the straps. She puts her index finger on his nose. ICE WHORE I'll get to you later. She walks out the door and closes it behind her. All of a sudden you start to hear sounds of people having sex. Awesome Man sits there for thirty seconds. CUT TO: A clock. The sex sounds are still going on. The clock's hands start to spin around in circles. The sex sounds get louder and more frequent, as the clock hands start to spin faster and faster. Then the sex sounds slow down and quiet down, as the clock hands slow down to normal. CUT TO: Awesome Man still sitting in the chair. He's asleep. Then the sex sounds cease. He wakes up and looks around. Then the door swings open. Ice Whore is standing in the doorway. She's soaking wet. ICE WHORE Now it's your turn! AWESOME MAN What did you do to him? She starts to walk towards Awesome Man. ICE WHORE We fucked…and fucked…and fucked until his heart stopped. (She bends over so she's at Awesome Man's level.) And now it's your turn. She grabs Awesome Man's head and she starts to make out with Awesome Man. Awesome Man starts to make out with her, but then jerks his head away. AWESOME MAN No, I will not give into your power. She grabs Awesome Man's chin. ICE WHORE Well of course you will. You're a horny retard, and all horny retards give into me. Now where were we? She starts to make out with Awesome Man again. COOLDUDE Back away from Awesome Man. Ice Whore stops kissing Awesome Man, gets up, and turns around. Cooldude is standing in his heart boxers, soaking wet. He has gloves on and he's holding the fire sword, but no flames are coming out of it. He walks from the doorway, and towards Ice Whore. Ice Whore starts to walk towards him and they meet half way. ICE WHORE I thought you were dead. COOLDUDE I have my ways. ICE WHORE I see you have my sword. Holding it with flame retardant gloves, very clever. But you're still not able to control the magic of the sword. COOLDUDE Yeah, but it's still a sword. He tries to stab Ice Whore but she stops the blade by grasping it with her palms. She twists the sword out of his hands, jumps up in the air, and kicks Cooldude in the face. Cooldude goes flying out the door. Ice Whore lands on the ground, picks up the sword, and throws it into the wall. ICE WHORE I swear I don't know how you guys survive as super heroes. She walks out the door and comes back in the room with the two ice swords at her side. She stops in her tracks. Awesome Man has escaped the clutches of the chair. AWESOME MAN Tada! ICE WHORE How in the hell did you get out? AWESOME MAN I'm a super hero. Ice Whore throws the swords at Awesome Man. Awesome Man dodges one of the swords, but the other hits him in the heart. Awesome Man pulls the sword out, and lets it drop to the ground. AWESOME MAN Good, I got it out before you froze me. ICE WHORE I've stabbed you three times now! Why won't you die? AWESOME MAN (Shrugs.) I'm the main character. ICE WHORE I'm sick of this shit! It's time to die Awesome Man! Ice Whore runs towards Awesome Man. Awesome Man punches her in the face and then kicks her in the back. Sending her into the wall. She pulls the sword out of the wall and then picks up the other sword off the ground. She starts to twirl the swords in her hands. AWESOME MAN Why do you want the Phoenix Sword, anyway? ICE WHORE Has Cooldude ever told you the story of how he got that sword? AWESOME MAN Yeah, he woke up one morning in a gutter, in Tijuana. He had the sword that morning. ICE WHORE So he doesn't know, huh? Let me tell you. I was in Tijuana, searching for the magic swords. I was searching for them for five years, and now I had finally found them. One of those trinket salesmen had them. When I got to him that night, he immediatley knew I was evil. He wouldn't give me the swords, so I killed him. Among his possessions was the Phoenix Sword and the Swords of Ice. Cooldude then stumbled in the room, as I picked up the Swords of Ice. He picked up the Phoenix Sword and just walked away. I tried to run after him, but by the time I got outside, I couldn't find him. I searched all these years, and then I saw you two dumbasses on the news. That's when I decided to come here. And now story time's over, time for you and your buddy to die. AWESOME MAN Hey, do ya know what? Don't care! Ice Whore lunges at Awesome Man. Awesome Man dodges the swings of her swords, and then punches her in the stomach. She flies back a little and is on the ground, but then jumps back up. ICE WHORE Ouch. She runs towards Awesome Man, but then stops. She clutches her swords tightly. ICE WHORE My crotch…it feels like it's on fire! Cooldude walks into the room. COOLDUDE That's what you get for practicing unsafe sex. I injected myself with an experimental venereal disease before I got here. And now I just injected myself with the antidote. And looky here (he dangles a syring in the air.) I still have one more antidote. She turns around and starts to run towards Cooldude. ICE WHORE Give me that antidote! Right when she's about to reach Cooldude, Awesome Man kicks Ice Whore in the side. She goes flying to the ground, in front of the doorway. She gets up and slashes her swords at Awesome Man. Awesome Man dodges the slashes, punches her in twice in the sides, jumps up in the air, and kicks her in the face. She goes flying into the hot tub. When she falls in the water, the water turns to ice and she gets frozen inside. FADE TO: It's about an hour later. Cooldude is in his super hero outfit (Minus the case), is sitting next to the hot tub, and is looking at Ice Whore inside. Cooldude has his gloves off and all his Cs are back on his belt. None of the guys are on the floor anymore. The curtain is open so light can get through. All the candles are blown out. CUT TO: The ice. Ice Whore is lying, frozen, in the bottom of the tub. She has her swords in her hands. CUT TO: Awesome Man walks out of the bedroom with the fire sword in his hand. It's on fire now. AWESOME MAN Hey look at this. He holds up the sword and starts to twirl it around. Cooldude still stares at the ice. COOLDUDE That only means one thing. AWESOME MAN Bye, bye Ice Whore. We barely knew ye. Awesome Man squats down next to Cooldude. COOLDUDE I know she was evil, but I'll miss her still. We had a lot of good times. Like this one time she was giving me a blow job… AWESOME MAN Let me guess. Went down the wrong pipe? COOLDUDE Yeah, (Smiles.) We laughed for so long after that. AWESOME MAN Wanna go before the fuzz arrives? COOLDUDE Sure. They stand up. AWESOME MAN Want the sword? COOLDUDE Sure. Awesome Man hands Cooldude the sword. Cooldude twirls it around a little and then puts it to his side. COOLDUDE I'll have to make a new case for it. God knows what she did with the old one. They walk out of the screen door. INT. LIVING ROOM-NIGHT Charlie is lying on the couch and Steve is lying on the ground, next to the couch. Charlie is taking swigs of beer. CHARLIE Steve, you awake? STEVE Yeah. CHARLIE Good, I wanted to ask you something. STEVE Shoot. CHARLIE What do you think would happen if the U.S. made candy illegal? STEVE It would probably be like the drug trafficing that's happening now. Can you imagine it? The U.S. would make a CEA, candy enforcement agency. CHARLIE Yeah and people would shove candy up their butts and smuggle them across the border. STEVE (Chuckles.) Someone clentches for some candy. The guy's like, 'Oh no, I think the Snickers is melting.' They laugh a little and then there's a long pause. CHARLIE Why is it that nothing exciting ever happens in my life? Steve pushes himself up using his elbows. STEVE What are babblin' about? You got kicked off a school campus by the cops, you almost got fucked, you got drunk, got your assed kicked in pool, and you committed arson. And that was just today. The only thing your life is missing is a good ending. CHARLIE How do you think my life can end in a good way? STEVE Well your heart can stop by having incredible sex, or you can die the way I want to die. CHARLIE Really, how do you want to die? STEVE I want to secretly set fire to a daycare. Then I'll save everyone in the daycare. But I want to time it perfectly so right when I save the last person, I get trapped in the flames and die. CHARLIE That sounds great, but what if you don't die in the flames? STEVE Then you can go fuck yourself. CHARLIE Nice plan. (Starts to nod.) INT. AWESOME MAN'S AND COOLDUDE'S BUILDING-DAY The outside windows are all gone. The, 'Got Milk' painting is blackened. The whole building is black with soot. On the inside all the floors and roofs are burned down. Everything inside is burned to the ground and black. There is a pile of burned rubble on the ground. Cooldude and Awesome Man are sitting on some burned rubble next to each other. They're both in their super hero outfits. Cooldude has his sword again. He's smoking a joint. He has a white T-shirt with a pot leaf on it with a red long sleeve shirt underneath. We show the outside of the building first. CUT TO: The inside of the building. Awesome Man and Cooldude sit there for about thirty seconds. Awesome Man looks at his nails, and starts to bite them. Cooldude takes the joint out of his mouth, looks at it, puts it back in his mouth, and takes a long drag. He takes it out and starts cough as he looks at it. COOLDUDE Wow…this is some good shit. He puts it back in his mouth and looks up in the air. Awesome Man does the same as he chews on his nails. We slowly move the camera away, upwards. The camera keeps going up and then passes through the ceiling. Then the camera faces the sky and starts to fly up in the air and through the clouds. It stops above the clouds, facing the sun. THE END
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