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VERY PRUDENT JACKASS © n e e r o d p r o d u c t i o n s An Original Short Screenplay by Larry ROLL CREDITS. As this goes on, "How Deep is Your Love" performed by the Bee Gees is played in the soundtrack. ON BLACK: ACT ONE: VERY PRUDENT JACKASS Yes, the song still continues. FADE IN ON: INT. SOME MALL – DAY? A TALL, SLENDER AFRICAN AMERICAN MAN walks through an aisle of a fairly populated shopping mall. He's not carrying anything with him but his well- groomed surface makes him look like an important person. This man is CALVIN BROUGHTON He stops walking, and turns to face an internet café. The internet café is called NETOPIA. There are lotsa people lining up on the counter. Lots of them. Calvin makes an attempt to step into the cybercafe and--- FADE OUT. FADE IN: IT'S THE POV of a camcorder. Its TIGHT ON a very pretty girl. Late 20's. Very sharp beauty. Her name is the MARIE. Still, the music of the Bee Gees continues to play. The one holding the camcorder is --- MARIE Jackass, do you really have to go to the café? And leave me ? By the way, Marie is Jackass's girlfriend. JACKASS Yes, I really have to go. I gotta get those documents emailed to um, Mr. Guillermo or else... Bee Gees still playing. Same song. At this point, the camcorder POV gets a little shaky. Very shaky, nothing can be made out. Looks like Jackass is adjusting his position, shifting uncomfortably. JACKASS Turn that 70's shit off! An audible TSSSK is heard as the music stops dead right before it even finishes. THE CAMCORDER is still tight on Marie's pretty face. At this point Jackass's face is not yet revealed. Its just the camcorder POV staring at Marie, zooming in and out, Marie's face against the light on the window behind her. At one point the camcorder ZOOMS OUT revealing Marie sitting just barely near the edge of a bed. Her hair is wet. But there's no towel wrapped around it. She momentarily scrubs her hair, brushes it back. It's not yet combed. The camcorder stops, and turns to static, this happens for just about a second. Finally Marie is seen, in the flesh, not behind a blaring POV of a videocamera. She's prettier this way. And Jackass, he's not as attractive as his girlfriend, but what the hey. He gets up from bed, he's only dressed in a t-shirt and boxers. He hasn't showered yet. MARIE Sebastion, what the fuck are you always up to with that ... c- camcorder? Oh! So his real name is SEBASTION. JACKASS Do movies. MARIE Hah! Right. Come on, don't go to work today, stay with me. Just for now, day in and day out. JACKASS There is no work today, remember? The industrial designers are having a strike, and apparently, I'm not one of them who's joining in with the strike. I just gotta go to the cybercafe. Marie, with a smirk in her face bows her head a little bit and raises a brow. Jackass can read her body language. Beat. JACKASS Okay. You know, Marie. I'm a very, very ... prudent. Look, be back in three hours and we can , um have lunch together. Marie forces herself not to laugh—-- MARIE Yay! FADE OUT. ON BLACK: CALVIN FADE IN: It's a jailhouse. A fucking prison-cell! This could be anytime after or before Jackass left Marie in her house, but Jackass is in this cell!!!!! Looks like he's having a headache, he scratches his hair; even if he has no itches, he rubs his temples. How the fuck did he end up --- JACKASS Shit! Fuck! Motherfucker!!!!!!! SUDDENLY, ALL COLOR IN THE FILM IS POPPED OFF. EVERYTHING IS BLACK AND WHITE, AND NO, NO, NO THIS ISN'T CAMCORDER POV. TIME CUT: Jackass still in the prison cell. This time, he's seemingly more tranquil. He starts talking to himself. He's gone mad. Ohhh, yes he has! JACKASS Are there times... Beat. JACKASS When regrets DO come first? Beat. JACKASS Do successful people swear a lot? Beat. JACKASS Are there times... when someone can do things... wi--- Beat. Jackass sighs. JACKASS (sotto) Oh, fuck. DISSOLVE: CALVIN (V.O.) Forgiveness makes a man divine. Revenge, taking things personally makes us ONLY human. EXT. A BEACH – DAY (ALREADY COLORED FROM HERE ON) Calvin and his loved ones. They're on island paradise. There's very little people on this beach. They're all seated on a picnic mat. Calvin's WIFE, and LITTLE BOY listens to him intently and solemnly and heck --- with reverence. Oh, Calvin's looking at his little boy, his son. CALVIN You understand that, sport. Little boy just nods. In here, Calvin's a very authoritative person. Pretentious? Wearing facades? Maybe. But he speaks with great conviction to his boy, err, um, his loved ones rather. CALVIN You know, Jesus died on the cross. He turned himself in, for all of us. His son listens, but he has a rather cold expression on his face, not that big enthusiastic smirk you'd expect Junior to react to daddy typically. CALVIN And that's what forgiveness is all about. Okay, well, that's some... good news. TIME CUT: Oh boy, Calvin's still doing the talking. Still on the beach, maybe a little later. His boy and wife look bored. His wife doesn't seem to be paying any attention to him. She's looking at the beautiful scenery which captivates her more than her husbands words of wisdom. Yawn! CALVIN Long ago, people had to live up to their name. They had to be men of their words... FADE OUT. FADE IN: CAMERA POV ONCE AGAIN. Guess who's holding it? Anyway, the camera seems to be documenting CALVIN. He manages to be next to be catered by the CASHIER on the counter. CALVIN Hey, my good friend. Do you have vacant computer usage? CASHIER Sir, I'm sorry, you're gonna have to sign yourself in on the waiting list on that typewriting paper over there. A SHEET OF PAPER with names of waiting people lined up lies on the counter. CASHIER Once someone logs off, we'll call those in the waiting list here chronologically. Um, that is if you can wait. If not, there's another cybercaf-- - CALVIN Its fine. The camcorder POV zooms in as Calvin takes a pen also resting on the counter and signs his name right below the last one in the waiting list. Calvin just stands still, amidst the claustrophobic crowd of people to his sides, in front of him, behind him. Also waiting in the counter. INSERT: INT. A HOME – DAY LEONARD, a tough-looking 19 year old sits beside his GIRLFRIEND on a couch. His girlfriend doesn't look too happy. GIRLFRIEND Leonard! Has anyone ever told you to... LEONARD What, baby? GIRLFRIEND You have to grow up! Beat. LEONARD Baby, what's this talk all about? Come on. Beat. LEONARD I won't do shit. Ever. Ever! This doesn't look like a happy relationship, but --- BACK TO THE CYBERCAFE: The camcorder POV. What the fuck is Jackass here to do, tape the dozens of people crowding the café? Anyway, Leonard appears and slices through the congested area near the counter. ON CALVIN: He just stands, calmly. ON JACKASS: He seems to be enjoying himself. Taping, taping, obviously until he runs out of videotape. Unless his camcorder is digital of course... CAMCORDER POV: The camcorder can see Leonard. Leonard looks frustrated, he can't use a computer with this many people in the list! Anyway, Leonard takes the pen on the table... Quite a few seconds go by. He writes his name IN BETWEEN the another names, above Calvin's so he can cut in and go ahead of the others who've already signed in first. Leonard puts the pen down nonchalantly, and a ghost of a smile appears on his face; the son of a bitch amazed himself with his own slyness. But no, CALVIN SEES THIS. CALVIN FROWNS. THIS AIN'T RIGHT. Leonard's still in the middle of the crowd, his face very cold as if he didn't do shit. Calvin taps Leonard at the back --- Leonard turns around --- CALVIN Hey, I saw what you did, my friend. Leonard darts a defiant eye to Calvin. LEONARD What the fuck is your problem, black man? Nigger. Some people notice this, some people don't. Jackass sees this. He holds his camcorder and continues on taping, but this time his subjects are Leonard and Calvin. It takes a little while before Calvin reacts to what Leonard just called him. THEN, CALVIN STEPS FORWARD AND SOCKS LEONARD IN THE NOSE. Jackass, excited starts taping all this. The crowd suddenly goes apeshit They break up as Leonard falls on his back on the floor. The cashier only watches in panic and apprehension. But Leonard is one tough motherfucker, he gets up, and kicks Calvin in the stomach. Calvin staggers backward. CAMCORDER POV As Calvin moves towards Leonard and pinches him in his left ear. Calvin manages to lever Leonard's whole body, and throw him SIDEWARD, BREAKING THE GLASS WINDOW OF THE CYBERCAFE. Leonard's arm accidentally, slams on Jackass's camcorder, it drops to the floor, cracks and breaks. The cashier screams. OUTSIDE THE CYBERCAFE, INSIDE THE MALL, Calvin and Leonard beat each other up. But no security guards appear, no sentry guy is aware of the intense confrontation. ON JACKASS, he starts go get a look of worry on his face. He picks up his camcorder, its busted. Nothing he can do, he lays it down on the floor, steps out of the café to join the onlookers see Calvin and Leonard fight. LEONARD AND CALVIN: At one point, Leonard manages to grab hold of a small 12 inch pipe, he edges close to Calvin and attempts to SMASH his face with it, but in just milliseconds, Calvin grabs hold of AN OLD MAN'S WALKING STICK. He parries the pipe that Leonard is attacking him with. The old man falls on his back, but luckily the wall catches him, and he slides DOWNWARD. OLD MAN Oh, my goodness... JACKASS continues to watch. No security guards, yet! Leonard breaks Calvin's wooden weapon, and he drops his pipe intentionally. Leonard does a frontal kick, knocking Calvin backwards, but not strong enough to make him fall. Leonard manages to hurl Calvin's body and carry it towards the RAILING. Leonard was strong enough to bring Calvin in this position. If Leonard lets go, if Leonard manages to lever Calvin's body downward, CALVIN WILL TAKE A PLUNGE TO HIS DEATH! Jackass sees this, starts to worry about the good, but hotheaded African American man. Jackass walks towards Leonard and Calvin, Calvin still under Leonard's mercy. Leonard is choking Calvin. CALVIN (barely able to speak) Fuck you! Fuck you, you little dipshit! Jackass punches Leonard, but Leonard lets go of Calvin, Calvin takes a plunge. Calvin FALLS FIVE STORIES BELOW. His head smashes on the ground and blood spurts out of it. JACKASS Fuck!!! Leonard couldn't give a shit about the nigger. Now he's on to Jackass, who couldn't mind his own business. Leonard makes an attempt to elbow Jackass face. But Jackass catches Leonard's elbow, twists it and chops him in the neck with the other hand. HARD!!!!!!!! Leonard falls prone. Dead. Jackass lets go. Oh, shit, he just killed somebody! But this isn't his fault. He was only trying to help. This time, FIVE SECURITY GUARDS ARRIVE, they don't draw their pistols, instead they just close in on Jackass. Jackass puts his hands up. Jackass is scared shit. JACKASS I didn't do anything! Suddenly a FAT WOMAN just appears outta nowhere, points a finger to Jackass. FAT WOMAN That son of a bitch killed the two guys over there!!!!!!!! He started it!!!!!! JACKASS No, no, no, no, no. You don't understand! I didn't start... Then, people at the crowd of the cybercafe start opening their mouths. SEVERAL PEOPLE Yes, he started it! Most of these people are kids by the way. Sadistic kids. THE PEOPLE He, wanted to kill both of them. He was pissed off, he didn't want to have to sign in on our waiting list here. The security guards acknowledge this, and edge closer to Jackass. JACKASS No, this is a misunderstanding, this, this--- FADE OUT. FADE IN: INT. THE PRISON CELL (BLACK AND WHITE SEQUENCE) Jackass seated on his bed. This time, more relax. Because of a little hope of someone busting him out of prison? No one can tell for sure. JACKASS (sotto) I wished people were people who could really keep their promises. A long moment goes by. A very looooooong moment, Jackass remains seated. JACKASS Fuck, I don't want Marie to see me like this! Jackass takes a deep breath of despair. JACKASS (sotto) Motherfucker!!! SMASH TO BLACK: THE END. © 2004
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