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Screenplay for All New Season II Police Squad Part One. 1 SHOW STARTS - 1 2 TITLES AND MUSIC - POLICE SQUAD! IN COLOR 2 3 (VOICE OVER NARRATION) - STARRING > LESLIE NIELSEN 3 4 DETECTIVE FRANK DREBIN APPEARS. 4 5 EXT. CAR - NIGHT 5 He drives into an alleyway fast. He gets out and starts shooting his gun at persons or person unknown. CUT TO: 6 (VOICE OVER NARRATION) - WITH > MORGAN FREEMAN 6 7 INT. OFFICE - DAY 7 CAPTAIN ED HOKEN sits at a police desk. He is then struck by gunfire coming from what looks and sounds like several machine guns. He ducks as the shots hit his desk and other police in the room. Out of nowhere a man rushes past completely covered in flames. He throws himself out of the window. A monkey dressed as a policeman is then seen swinging on rope. He then swings out of shot. A horse runs by. The Sound of a female screaming is also heard. CUT TO: 8 (VOICE OVER CONT) - AND BRAD PITT AS ABE LINCOLN 8 9 INT. OPERA HOUSE BOOTH - NIGHT 9 A man dressed as Abraham Lincoln with his back to us sitting watching an opera. His hat is shot and it flies up in the air. He turns around and fires a pistol. CUT TO: 10 TONIGHT'S SPECIAL GUEST STAR - GEORGE CLOONEY. 10 11 INT. CAR - NIGHT 11 George is thrown from a fast moving car. His hands and feet are tied and he has a large knife handle sticking out from his chest. He looks into the camera for a second then dies. CUT TO: 12 EXT. OUTSIDE THE STEPS OF THE POLICE STATION - NIGHT 12 A TITLE CARD ON SCREEN - THREE RING CIRCUS 13 THE NARRATOR TELLS A DIFFERENT TITLE (VOICE ONLY) 13 NARRATOR (stern voice) Tonight's story... Death in Venice. THE START TITLES END AND FADE TO BLACK. FADE IN: 14 INT. DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT 14 The story opens inside a busy circus dressing room. As the camera moves down the room we see clowns in various dress putting on make-up and clothes. Some are examining their horns, some are ringing bells and some just sit and talk. A loud horn can be heard from outside. One clown speaks. CLOWN (sqeeky voice) Hey, we're on, you clowns. The clowns make a hasty exit leaving one lone clown sitting in front of his mirror. His name is Rex Staples and he's in his early 30s. He hears a knock at the door. He opens it and sees a mysterious hooded figure all in black standing there. Rex is handed a bomb that has already been lit. He closes the door. REX STAPLES/CLOWN (smiles) Oh, thank you. I wonder who this is from? I'm a real sucka for a present. My first time in front of a big crowd like this. You guys shouldn't have. He then realizes that it's not a gift. REX STAPLES/CLOWN (surprised) Hey, this ain't a... There is then an explosion as we now see the dressing room completely destroyed. Rex, however, is still standing there with a battered and torn look. Mumbling incoherent dialogue. He falls forwards and the screen goes black. FADE OUT: FADE IN: 15 INT. CAR - NIGHT 15 16 SHOT OF DREBIN AT THE WHEEL. 16 BEHIND HIM IN THE BACKSEAT IS A WOMAN POLE-DANCING. DREBIN (voice over) My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, detective lieutenant, Police Squad, a special detail of the police department. There'd been a recent wave of ritual killings on the lower east side involving the dwarf community. Luckily I got the call to come across town to Ghandi's circus. My boss was already at the scene. 17 DREBIN PARKS CAR IN FRONT OF CIRCUS TENTS AND KNOCKS OVER A17 STREET TRASH CAN THAT IS THERE FOR NO APPARENT REASON. HE ENTERS THE TENT CALMLY. 18 INT. CIRCUS TENT - NIGHT 18 Drebin enters tent and sees his boss Ed Hoken in conversation with some clown. HOKEN (tired) Oh, hi, Frank, the body is over there (points) DREBIN (sad) The tears of a clown, Ed. HOKEN You're not wrong, Frank. I think we might be looking at a homicide, what with his body being blown up like that. DREBIN Yep, anyone see anything, Ed? HOKEN Not yet, Frank, but Nordberg is over there with a few clowns. Drebin walks over to where police officer Nordberg is. Nordberg is a cop who's not too bright. He has clowns of all shape, size and description lined up along a wall. DREBIN (nods) Nordberg. NORDBERG Hi, Frank. No previous on any of these clowns, but I found this. Not sure if it's important or not, Frank. Nordberg hands Frank a very heavy large thick book. Frank looks at the cover. It reads - HOW TO BUILD BOMBS THAT KILL CLOWNS. DREBIN (nods) Good work. We just might have something here, Nordberg. Any other evidence? NORDBERG Nothing really major, Frank, but I'll keep looking. CUT TO: 19 INT. POLICE FORENSICS ROOM - DAY 19 20 DREBIN NARRATION - 20 The next day I headed into forensics. We are in a laboratory type room. A lab assistant walks past Frank and places a cat under a small guillotine. Frank walks past and heads over towards TED OLSON. Ted is in his late 50s and is the chief forensics expert. He is in mid conversation with a boy about 9 years old. He takes off the straight jacket the young boy had been wearing. OLSON (stern) And that's why people who usually wear this are called nutjobs, Timmy. You run along now, but don't forget to bring that strange looking toy you found under your parents mattress. BOY Okay, Mr. Olson, see you next week. Bye. The boy waves goodbye and heads out of shot. DREBIN (nods) Morning, Ted. OLSON (smiles) Hi, Frank. DREBIN What have you got for me? OLSON Well... our team have been working on this all night, Frank and I think you'll be surprised at the results we've managered to find. DREBIN Okay. OLSON Let's go through here, Frank. They walk over to an area about two feet from where they originally were. A sound of a panic stricken cat is heard and a large thud noise. Ted holds up a rubber clown nose. DREBIN What's that, Ted? OLSON This is what clowns use for comedic effect, Frank. We found very faint traces of a powder used to make explosive devices. If you trace the whereabouts of the powder, you just may find your killer. DREBIN That does sound promising, Ted. Anything else? OLSON Not sure yet, Frank. This just came in from Nordberg. Ted shows Frank a dark hat, gloves and jacket. DREBIN Could be the breakthrough we need, Ted? OLSON I'll get onto it, Frank. DREBIN Later, Ted. OLSON Keep it real, Frank. DREBIN You bet. Frank walks off as Ted and others continue with their work. The screen fades out. 21 FADE IN - DREBIN NARRATION - 21 Later that day I needed to find out what the word on the street was saying. 22 EXT. ALLEYWAY - DAY 22 We see a shoe shine man in his late 60s. Frank's very own word on the street. A man who seems to know answers and solutions to everything known to man. Frank takes a seat. He's the only guy there. DREBIN How's it going, Johnny? JOHNNY Good, detective. Frank looks right and left to see if it's okay to talk. DREBIN What do you know about clowns, Johnny? JOHNNY How would I know? Frank takes a five dollar bill out of his inside jacket pocket and gives it to Johnny. Johnny pockets the bill. He then looks right and left then speaks. All the while polishing Frank's shoes. JOHNNY The art of clowning has existed for thousands of years. A pygmy clown performed as a jester in the court of Pharaoh Dadkeri-Assi during Egypt's Fifth Dynasty about 2500 B.C. Court jesters have performed in China since 1818 B.C. Throughout history most cultures have had clowns. Philip Astley created what is considered the first circus in England in 1768. He also created the first circus clown act called Billy Buttons, or the Tailor's Ride To Brentford. The topical act was based on a popular tale of a tailor, an inept equestrian, trying to ride a horse to Brentford to vote in an election. Astley impersonated the tailor attempting to ride the horse. First he had tremendous difficulty mounting correctly, and then when he finally succeeded the horse started off so fast that he fell off. As the circus grew and Astley hired other clowns, he required them to learn Billy Buttons. It soon became a traditional part of every circus for 100 years. Variations of the routine with somebody coming out of the audience to attempt to ride a horse are still being performed in modern circuses. DREBIN Thanks, Johnny. Frank hands Johnny a 20 dollar bill. He gives a nod to Johnny and gets up out of his chair. He turns the corner and out of shot. Johnny sees that a customer has sat down. He starts polishing his shoes. We see fully that it is the real life author Stephen King. He leans into Johnny and gives him a few dollars. STEPHEN KING What do you know about writing a best selling novel, Johnny? CUT TO: 23 EXT. IN CAR - DAY - DREBIN NARRATION - 23 It was later that afternoon when I got the call to meet Ed at the apartment of Maria Staples the widow of Rex. He was asking her a few questions when I got there. 24 INT. OUTSIDE APARTMENT BLOCK - DAY 24 Frank parks up and gets out of car. As he walks over towards the entrance of the building, he sees two muggers holding up someone but walks past as if nothing out of the ordinary is occurring. 25 INT. APARTMENT - DAY 25 Maria Staples is sitting down looking at an open photo album as Ed Hoken speaks. Frank sits beside Maria on a couch. HOKEN Did he ever seem on edge, Mrs. Staples? Ever seem scared? MARIA STAPLES Not that I'm aware of, but we did have this feeling of something just... wasn't quite right all our married life. HOKEN You were married just on a week, right? MARIA STAPLES Yes, but it was a wonderful seven days. We see a close up of the photo album. Ed sits down next to Frank as they all look at it together. We see the pictures. MARIA STAPLES NARRATION - MARIA STAPLES This was our trip to the Bronx. What a wonderful honeymoon. We were poor but happy. Drebin cuts in and comforts MARIA AS SHE STARTS TO GET TEARFUL. DREBIN Yes, it's like the time I spent with my mail order Tai bride. Neither of us could speak each other's language, but we knew the language of love. I remember it just like it was yesterday back in the summer of '74. Making love under a palm tree. Our bodies becoming entangled in the embraces of love. Rolling around like hot butter in a pan. Making out until our eyes went screwy. That was until she was tragically mauled by the rare white tiger of Indonesia. You see a door was unfortunately unlocked to the city zoo that day and... HOKEN You're not helping, Frank. Drebin turns to see Maria sobbing uncontrollably. Frank takes out a handkerchief and hands it to her. DREBIN Sorry, Ed. Lost my head there for a moment. HOKEN It's understandable, Frank. Drebin turns to Maria. DREBIN Is there anything... whatever too little, that may able us to catch this killer? Maria gets up and walks over to a desk near the door. She opens a draw and takes out an envelops. MARIA STAPLES I didn't know whether or not to take this to the police. I feel so foolish now. Maria hands the envelope to Ed. He takes out a letter and reads it then hands it to Frank in shock. Frank reads it and shakes his head. DREBIN The evil that men do, Ed. It would appear to be some kind of a threat, Ed. This is just me reading between the lines. We see just what Ed and Frank have been reading. It is written in thick bold print. It reads - YOU ARE GOING TO DIE CLOWN. SATURDAY NIGHT AT THE CIRCUS. HOKEN You could be right, Frank. I guess we got there a little too late. MARIA STAPLES If you wish to attend the funeral... it's tomorrow at 10am. Rex would of wanted you there, I'm sure. DREBIN We'll be there. You never know who might turn up. HOKEN We're just about done here, Frank. Thank you Mrs. Staples. MARIA STAPLES Happy to help. Bye. She opens the door for Frank and Ed and they exit. She closes door. In the background in the apartment window we can see king Kong fighting outside with a plane. She walks over to the couch, sits down and looks at her photo album again. Oblivious to the chaos outside. FADE TO BLACK: 26 END OF ACT 1 26
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