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"ONLY IN L.A."
BY
STEPHEN PHILLIPS
Stephen Phillips
4509 W. Michigan Ave.
Fresno, CA 93722
(559) 276-5606 Home
(559) 292-5859 Message
sdp21761@yahoo.com
"ONLY IN L.A."
FADE IN
MONTAGE – FRANK REED GOES FROM VIETNAM TO LOS ANGELES
--Battlefield – Men at war.
--Helicopter – Men CLIMB on board. Helicopter FLIES away.
--Jumbo Jet – FLIES through the air.
--Los Angeles – Sparkles in the sunshine.
--Big city airport – Jumbo jet Lands.
END MONTAGE.
INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL – DAY
FRANK REED, dressed in army dress uniform, HAULS a duffel
bag and suitcase. He's not in a good mood. Several
baldheaded PANHANDLERS APPROACH him with their hands out.
FRANK
No..no..no.
PANHANDLER 1
But it's for a worthy cause.
FRANK
Then it's my lucky day. I happen
to be a worthy cause.
The panhandlers WALK away discouraged. Frank STROLLS to a
Bank of
TELEPHONE BOOTHS
He DROPS the suitcase and duffel bag. He DIGS in his
pocket for change. A HUSTLER WALKS up to him and tries to
SWITCH suitcases with him.
HUSTLER
Headed home or shipping out?
FRANK
I don't need any help with my
luggage.
HUSTLER
Just trying to be friendly.
FRANK
Why don't you try being dead?
The hustler GRABS his own suitcase and WALKS away
disappointed. Frank begins his telephone conversation.
FRANK
Hello Kevin. It's Frank. I'm at
l-a-x. Would you hurry up and get
me out of here? Airports aren't
bad if you don't mind dealing with
bald-headed beggars and total
strangers trying to steal your
luggage. I'll be out front.
T-w-a.
EXT. PALM-LINED BOULEVARD – DAY
Frank sulks as KEVIN MONTGOMERY DRIVES.
KEVIN
Why the long face? Don't tell me,
let me guess. It runs in the
family. Along with noses,
parolees, lunch and...So how was
Vietnam?
FRANK
Just lovely. I think I'll take
the wife and kids next summer.
What's shakin' with Paulette? Is
she still cookin'?
KEVIN
I hear she's hotter than the
flames of hell.
FRANK
Take me by her place. I wanna
get burned.
KEVIN
Sure thing, but first I need to
see Twyla.
FRANK
You still dealing with grizzly?
And is she still giving you the
runaround?
KEVIN
Yes I'm still dealing with her
and hell no she's not giving me
the runaround.
FRANK
Yeah yeah, sure sure. Whatever
you say.
EXT. HIGHRISE BLDG. – DAY
INT. TWYLA ADAMS' BOOKING AGENCY – DAY
TWYLA ADAMS takes phone calls and deals with her workers.
Kevin and Frank sit in front of her desk. Gold records
cover the wall. Rock music PLAYS in the background.
TWYLA
Kevin I already told you that all
my hot bands are busy.
KEVIN
What about trash?
TWYLA
They're in Atlanta.
KEVIN
What about bonehead?
TWYLA
New York then on to Montreal.
KEVIN
What about sweet and juicey?
TWYLA
Doing ten to twenty.
KEVIN
Magic dust?
TWYLA
Rehab.
FRANK
Come on Kevin let's split. She
doesn't want to see you get ahead.
KEVIN
Well who do you have?
TWYLA
The friendly vampires.
KEVIN
You know they couldn't attract
wild boars.
TWYLA
Take it or leave it.
KEVIN
I'll think about it.
INT. HALLWAY – DAY
FRANK
You don't need Twyla and her sorry
bands. We can get the old gang
back together and bring the house
down.
KEVIN
But I need money right now. The
hide out is about to go into
foreclosure.
FRANK
(excited)
Then what are we waiting for?
But first I wanna see Paulette
about gettin' burned.
INT. PAULETTE BAUER'S HOME – DAY
Frank WALKS up to PAULETTE BAUER with open arms.
FRANK
Paulette baby, come and give
daddy a big sloppy one.
PAULETTE
Frank, what are you? Uh how are?
FRANK
Aren't you glad to see me?
PAULETTE
Yes. But now is not a good time.
FRANK
Oh nonsense. A guy goes away for
two years and can't get a hug a
kiss or...
Frank spots his brother MATT SHANNON who ENTERS the room
half-dressed.
FRANK
What is he doing here?
MATT
Providing a service.
FRANK
Yeah? Well service this.
Frank PUNCHES Matt in the gut and they BRAWL. Frank STOPS
suddenly and POINTS at the ceiling.
FRANK
Look. A flying giraffe.
Matt looks in the direction that Frank points and Frank
PUNCHES him in the jaw. Matt COLLAPSES and Frank turns to
Paulette.
FRANK
So this is what you call keeping
the home fires burning, aaay?
PAULETTE
What did you expect me to do while
you were away, decorate wedding
cakes? Besides, the government
said you were missing in action.
Matt regains his composure.
MATT
While you were missin', I was
gettin' the action.
Frank KICKS Matt in the knee and he COLLAPSES again.
FRANK
Take a hike picklepuss. And give
me my car keys.
Frank GRABS his keys and WALKS to the door. Kevin follows
him.
FRANK
I'm out of here. You can cook up
something totally disgusting with
your loser lover here.
PAULETTE
But Frank baby, you gotta
understand. I have needs.
Frank and Kevin WALK to the
FRONT YARD
KEVIN
(stifles a grin)
Sorry you had to find out this
way. I didn't know how to tell
you.
FRANK
Wipe that grin off your head and
tell the truth. You wanted to see
some drama.
KEVIN
So what's next on the agenda?
FRANK
I'm gonna party 'til I choke. And
then I'm gonna party some more.
Kevin JUMPS into his car and DRIVES off. Frank JUMPS into
his '69 cougar and STARTS the engine.
FRANK
The pig didn't have to take one
car. Oh no. He had to take both
of them.
Frank DRIVES off.
FRANK
L.A., you're in big trouble.
EXT. ANJELICA BAUER'S MANSION – DAY
INT. ANJELICA BAUER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
ANJELICA BAUER is highly upset. She PACES back and forth.
Her guests, and daughter Paulette, try to calm her.
DOREEN PARRISH, the housekeeper, DUSTS furniture and
listens closely.
SUPER: "TRANSLATION: HIS ASS IS GRASS."
ANJELICA
I'll kill him. He has brazenly
overstepped my heretofore
impenetrable boundaries. Whose
warranted consequences include a
severely administered flogging.
Dutifully followed up by, and not
excluding, an enthusiastic
dispatch to a predetermined
location far beyond my immediate
sphere of influence. Etcetera,
etcetera.
Paulette and Doreen WHISPER to each other.
PAULETTE
What the hell did she say?
DOREEN
Honey, I know you don't expect me
to translate that mumbo jumbo. I'm
just the maid around here.
Doreen MOVES around the room. She DUSTS and spies.
PAULETTE
Mother, you have nothing to worry
about. Frankie doesn't want to
see me since he caught me doing
the horizontal hustle with Matt.
SUPER: "TRANSLATION: I'M GLAD YOU DUMPED THE CREEP."
ANJELICA
Ah yes. Excellent. A display of
unbridled joy would not be
entirely inappropriate taking into
consideration the resultant factor
of you abrupt, but entirely
welcome, suspension of amorous
relations with a most deserving
recipient of my inconsolable wrath.
Anjelica and Paulette WALK across the room and Doreen MOVES
closer to them. A GUEST APPEARS next to her.
GUEST
How 'bout fixin' me another drink?
DOREEN
I just fixed you one.
GUEST
I'm not talking about that watered
down crap you call a drink. I want
the real deal. I know you've been
hauling bottles of liquor out of
here for your own purposes.
DOREEN
Are you accusing me of stealing?
GUEST
You're darn tootin'. And I've seen
you in the act.
DOREEN
Yeah? Well whatevuh...Here's the
keys to the liquor cabinet. Drink
'til you drop. I got work to do.
The guest TAKES the keys and LEAVES. Doreen MOVES closer
to Anjelica.
SUPER: "TRANSLATION: HIS CAREER IS HEADED FOR THE TOILET."
ANJELICA
As a necessary precaution against
further libidinous motivated
shenanigans, I will persuade music
critic Beeotch Wilcox to write
several less than favorable
reviews. Thereby stimulating my
career abolishing objective in a
most laudatory and uncannily
ingenious fashion. So prepare
yourself for the economic, social
and intellectual demise of Frankie
and that bunch of unwashed
hoodlums.
PAULETTE
Mother you wouldn't.
Doreen is upset by Anjelica's words.
DOREEN
Ooh, I better warn that boy.
FRANKIE AND THAT BUNCH OF UNWASHED HOODLUMS SING. Frank
LEADS bass player Kevin and keyboardist MARK JAMESON to
THE BAR
FRANK
Look at this review, it's lousy.
Doreen said Anjelica's behind it.
Ooooh, when I get my hands on
Beeotch, I'm gonna give her that
nose job that she's in such
desperate need of.
KEVIN
(reads the paper)
Yep, it looks pretty bad.
FRANK
You read that part where she said
our fans should drink plenty of
coffee before they attend our show?
MARK
Where does it say that?
FRANK
It's in there.
Kevin and Mark look for the quote in the newspaper.
KEVIN
Where does it say that?
MARK
I don't see anything like that.
FRANK
(snatches the paper)
Well give it here since neither
one of you can read anyway. Look
it's right here.
A CUSTOMER CALLS out from her table.
CUSTOMER
Hey, do I have to drop dead to get
some service around here?
PRISCILLA
(shouts from across the room)
Why don't you try it and find out?
CONNIE
Let me know how it turns out.
Back-up singers PRISCILLA RANSOM and CONNIE BRENDELL give
each other the HIGH FIVE and LAUGH.
KEVIN
Frank, take her order.
FRANK
Have you flipped your wig? I'm a
rocker not a waiter.
Kevin STICKS a pen and notepad into Frank's hands.
KEVIN
You heard what I said.
FRANK
(to the customer)
What do you want?
CUSTOMER
I'm not sure. Uh, how do you make
your ribs?
FRANK
They start out dead and then we...
Kevin SNATCHES the pen and notepad out of Frank's hands.
KEVIN
Give me that you igit.
(to the customer)
I'm sorry, what was your question?
Frank is PULLED away by an upset Connie.
CONNIE
Frankie come here. I think
something's wrong with Alan. He
looks spaced out.
FRANK
He probably is.
CONNIE
You better check on him. He keeps
smiling and going blank. And
smiling and going blank.
FRANK
If you smoked what he just smoked,
you would smile and go blank too.
Frank WALKS up to drummer ALAN DAVIS who smiles and goes
blank.
FRANK
So, what's up with you?
ALAN
My mind.
FRANK
What, you finally got ahold of one?
ALAN
No. My mind, it's expanding.
FRANK
So how did this earth shattering
event come about?
ALAN
I was smoking this doobie when all
of a sudden I could see. Then my
scalp started vibrating and I went
blank. Then I could see again.
Frank brings the tip of his index finger to his chin,
SHAKES his head and crosses his eye. All in one motion.
FRANK
Hhmm that's funny. I thought only
balloons and waistlines expanded.
ALAN
No no no. My mind expands too.
FRANK
Yeah? Well knock it off or you're
gonna have to find another place to
party. A place big enough to
accommodate your expanding head.
Alan LAUGHS and WALKS away.
FRANK
(mumbles)
His mind is expanding. Hhmph What
would the neighbors think?
Back-up singer TINA MCCALL WALKS up to Frank.
TINA
Frankie, that was a super hot show
you put on a minute ago.
FRANK
I put on an even hotter show in my
bedroom. Care for a demonstration?
TINA
Why don't I give you a test run out
on the dance floor?
FRANK
I'm warning you baby, it might get
a little rough.
TINA
Prove it.
Frank and Tina do a provocative DANCE to a sexy ROCK BEAT.
INT. TINA'S BEDROOM – DAY
Frank and Tina lie in bed. Her cat Cufflink JUMPS in and
CATCHES flies out of the air. Tina attempts to kiss Frank.
TINA
I'd say you lived up to the hype.
FRANK
Hands off the hair baby. You can
touch any part of me, but the hair
is strictly off limits.
TINA
Oh brother. Just what I need, a
hair fanatic.
Tina rolls her eyes and JUMPS out of bed. She gets
DRESSED.
FRANK
Tina, will you call this funky,
furry, ferocious, feline flea bag
off of me?
TINA
Leave my cat alone. He's lived
here a lot longer than you have.
FRANK
But he's catching flies and
bringing them to me like he's
mental or somethin'.
TINA
That means he likes you. And it's
good therapy.
FRANK
Take a hike fur ball.
Cufflink JUMPS away from Frank who HOPS out of bed and
gets DRESSED. Cufflink JUMPS into Tina's arms.
TINA
(shouts)
Stop you fiend. Leave that
pussycat alone.
Tina STROKES Cufflink. She looks very dizzy. Cufflink
REACHES out to CATCH flies.
TINA
Come to momma Cufflink baby. I'll
protect you from the big bad
gigolo.
FRANK
It must not be easy living with
rocks in your head.
Tina RELEASES Cufflink and TURNS to look out the window.
TINA
I don't like it here.
FRANK
Then get the hell out of here. Go
back to you greasy boyfriend. And
live with him in his greasy house.
(he chuckles)
Where you can make some greasy kids.
TINA
I was referring to the neighborhood.
FRANK
Oh yeah?
(he cuddles her)
So does that mean no nookie tonight?
TINA
You bet your sweet aphrodisiac, baby.
Frank LAUGHS, but it doesn't come off very well.
INT. THE HIDE OUT STAGE – DAY
FRANK
There's a rumor going around that
my old lady's brother Danny eats
buffalo butt sandwiches. I'll be
the first to tell you it's not
true. It's a lie. Why, Danny
doesn't even like bread.
Alan PLAYS a RIM SHOT on the drums. The band PLAYS a song.
INT. THE HIDE OUT DINING ROOM – DAY
Kevin gives Twyla and her band, THE FRIENDLY VAMPIRES, a
tour of the club.
TWYLA
So far so good. How are the
acoustics in this place?
KEVIN
Excellent. Why, if a cockroach
farted on stage, you could hear it
clear to the back of the club.
TWYLA
You put that so eloquently.
Mark WALKS up.
MARK
Kevin you're wanted in the office.
KEVIN
If you'll excuse me, I'll only be
a minute. Take a look around and
help yourself to anything.
Kevin WALKS off and Twyla tours the club.
AT THE BAR
MARK
Frank you have to see this. Twyla
and her band are scoping out the
club. I told her she better not
let you catch her in the act.
FRANK
And what did she say to that?
MARK
(impersonates Twyla)
She said...When mister Reed
develops a set of cajones I want
to be the first to know...Then she
said that you were no threat to her.
FRANK
Oh yeah? Well that's what she
thinks. Where is she anyway?
MARK
Over there with the friendly
vampires.
Frank MARCHES toward Twyla, ready for battle.
FRANK
Grizzly. Hey grizzly. Paging
Twyla Grizzly Adams.
Frank confronts Twyla. EVERYONE CROWDS around.
FRANK
Lovely day to scratch for honey
isn't it Grizzly?
TWYLA
I beg your pardon.
FRANK
Hey, didn't I see you at Tommy's
ordering the jumbo classic deluxe,
super big and bulky, double slab of
beef burger with extra everything,
a truck load of French fries and a
tank full of pepsi...to go? No?
Well I thought it was you.
TWYLA
You're an idiot.
FRANK
Yeah? Well you'd be better off
ordering the big and bulky burger
than to think you're gonna horn in
on my turf.
TWYLA
What turf?
FRANK
This club. You know you were
never interested in sending your
bands to this club until I came
here and brought the crowds with
me. Now if you think I'm gonna
let you cash in on my popularity,
fat chance.
TWYLA
If I'm not mistaken, Kevin
Montgomery is the owner of this
club and you're just a low-life
employee.
FRANK
What did you call me?...Look, I'm
gonna count five and if you don't
find your bloated, fly-attracting
carcass somewhere else, sucking up
smog or whatever it is you
grizzlies do, first I'm gonna blow
a fuse. Then I'm gonna jump you
and your band of musical blood
suckers. You ferocious carnivore.
TWYLA
Is there a draft blowing through
here or is that your mouth?
Frank LUNGES at Twyla and her band. They RUN out the club.
FRANK
What the, why you, somebody hand me
something to hit that heffa with.
Anybody got a brick handy? I can
do a lot more than talk, baby.
INT. THE HIDEOUT OFFICE – DAY
KEVIN
The friendly vampires are going to
play at my club and you're just
going to have to deal with it.
FRANK
But can't you see that Twyla's
taking advantage of you?
KEVIN
As long as I turn a profit, she
can take advantage of me and
Dennis Rodman for all I care.
FRANK
But our band is doing great. We
don't need any help from her.
KEVIN
Yeah? Well how do I know you won't
haul ass with the highest bidder?
FRANK
You know that's not gonna happen.
Kevin GRABS the phone and DIALS.
KEVIN
Either way, my motto is always
cover the ass...Hello Twyla, send
the friendly vampires back over
here. Frank won't give you any
trouble. Sounds good.
FRANK
You know, I've always wanted to
know a sellout.
INT. THE HIDE OUT – NIGHT
The club is empty except for Frank who turns on the lights.
He uses a pair of pruning shears to CUT the cords to the
friendly vampires' musical equipment.
FRANK
(mumbles)
Frank won't give you any trouble.
Hmmph, we'll see about that. The
friendly vampires are gonna have
to attack a blood bank if they
wanna make some noise around here.
Ahhmm hhm hhhm hhhmm humph.
And I'm gonna harpoon that Twyla
Grizzly Adams if I see her meat
and potato grubbin' face around
here again. Hhm hhm hhm humph.
INT. THE HIDE OUT OFFFICE – DAY
KEVIN
Why'd you do it?
FRANK
(shouts)
I didn't do nothin'.
KEVIN
Don't lie to me Frank. I happen
to know how low you can go.
FRANK
I know what it is, it's a set-up.
That's right. I'm bein' framed.
See, a rival band cut the cords
to the friendly vampires' musical
equipment because they knew that
the blame would fall on me because
I chased them out of here. This
kind of thing happens all the
time on those cop shows.
KEVIN
And you really believe that story?
FRANK
Well it's the best I can come up
with on such short notice. Look,
you don't have to worry. I told
you we're going to the top.
Kevin looks suspiciously at Frank and SHAKES his head.
ON STAGE
The band performs a SONG and the crowd GOES WILD.
AT THE BAR
FRANK
We need to take our show on the
road. I think we're ready.
KEVIN
We don't have that kind of money.
FRANK
I know how we can get it.
INT. APARTMENT – DAY
Two GUYS look at a poster that advertises a boxing match
between Frank Reed and TRAVIS WADE.
GUY 1
We can't let Frankie fight this
guy. Frankie will murderlize him
and we won't have a pot to piss in.
We gotta stop him.
GUY 2
I don't know boss. Isn't snuffing
people out against the law?
GUY 1
I don't mean that, mister potato
head. I mean we have to get Frank
to drop out of the fight before we
lose our shirts. Follow me.
INT. THE HIDE OUT OFFICE – DAY
The guys sit on one side of the desk, Frankie on the other.
FRANK
You guys are beating around the
bush. Why don't you just tell me
that you want me to drop out of the
fight?
GUY 1
Okay, why don't you drop out of the
fight?
Frank FLIES on top of the desk in an attempt to ATTACK the
guys who ROCKET out of the office and RACE down
THE HALL
FRANK
I'll show you turds how to drop out
of something.
Frank CHASES the guys. He STOPS, PICKS UP a microwave oven
and CHASES the guys.
FRANK
How's about a game of catch?
Frank aims the microwave oven at the guys and THROWS it.
As the microwave FLIES through the air, the guys look back
in shock.
GUY 2
Watch out for that microwave.
GUY 1
Great mother of mercy, I forgot
my helmet.
The microwave CRASHES to the floor. It almost HITS the
guys and Kevin, who APPEARS on the scene.
FRANK
And if I want people lining up to
kick my ass, I'll wear lipstick.
Hmmph, of all the nerve.
The guys RACE out of the club and Kevin APPROACHES Frank.
KEVIN
Enjoying a little exercise? Or
giving the place a makeover?
FRANK
Those monkeys tried to get me to
drop out of that fight against
Travis. Just for that, when I get
him in that ring I'm gonna beat
him into mach one.
KEVIN
While you're out pumping
adrenaline and breaking speed
records, where am I supposed to
get another microwave?
FRANK
No sweat. I'll get you another
one with the money I'm gonna get
for beatin' Travis to a pulp.
INT. BOXING RING – DAY
The crowd ROARS, the fight bell RINGS. Frank and TRAVIS
WADE JUMP out of their corners ready for battle.
Before any punches are thrown, Frank POINTS at the ceiling.
FRANK
Look, an honest politician.
Travis looks in the direction Frank points, and Frank
CLOCKS him in the jaw. Travis COLLAPSES. Frank's the
winner.
INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE – DAY
Guy 1 lies on the PSYCHIATRIST'S couch in a daze.
GUY 1
Doctor have you ever seen a
flying microwave?
INT. THE HIDE OUT – DAY
The fellas play cards.
MARK
Man that's dirty, I wouldn't fight
like that.
KEVIN
Where I come from that's the only
way to fight. Or it's cancel
Christmas.
MARK
Frank, if you were in a fight
would you pick up a two by four
with nails sticking out of it?
FRANK
I'd pick up that and anything else
that ain't too heavy.
MARK
But that's dirty fighting.
FRANK
You mean there's a clean way of
fighting? If there is, I wouldn't
recommend it.
KEVIN
Whose turn is it?
MARK
Alan's.
KEVIN
Will you play?
FRANK
Yeah. By the time you play, we're
gonna have world peace.
ALAN
Silence mutants. These things
must be done delicately. Or you
hurt the spell.
MARK
Will you play cards, Glenda?
FRANK
Get a move on mister molasses.
KEVIN
Throw out, throw up.
ALAN
Full house.
Mark and Kevin THROW IN their card.
FRANK
You got a full house and empty
pockets. I got a straight flush.
Ooooh doggie. Your twelve hundred
dollars is mine mine mine. I got
enough money to tour the universe.
EXT. TOP OF AN EIGHT-STORY BUILDING – DAY
Alan threatens to jump off the building. A CROWD FORMS.
ALAN
I'll jump, I'll jump. He better
give me back my money or I'll
test my wings.
MARK
Alan don't be crazy. Back away
from the edge.
KEVIN
Frank you need to give him back
his money before he jumps.
FRANK
Nothin' doin' baby. I won this
dough fair and square.
KEVIN
But if you don't give Alan back
his money and he jumps off that
building, his blood is gonna be
on your hands.
FRANK
If Alan jumps off that building
his blood is gonna be on that
sidewalk. I know what he's up to.
He's pulling the old he's gonna
jump from the top of an eight
story building unless I give him
back the twelve hundred dollars
I won gambling routine, aaay?
I hate when they pull that one.
SPECTATORS LAY blankets on the sidewalk, SERVE food and
make bets. Tina holds Cufflink who CATCHES flies.
SPECTATOR 1
Five bucks says he won't jump.
Uh, pass the potato salad.
SPECTATOR 2
I'll see your five and raise you
five. Ooh, they need to do
something about these hard
sidewalks. Make my booty hurt.
A NEWS REPORTER WALKS up with a camera crew. The crowd gets
bigger. Cars SCREECH to a halt.
NEWS REPORTER
I'm Tracey Goldman for k-r-a-p
channel thirteen live on the
sunset strip, where a man is
threatening to jump from an
eight story building. Young
lady would you tell us what you
know?
PRISCILLA
The dude was gambling and he
blew twelve hundred smackeroos.
And I guess he wants it back.
Connie WALKS by with a drink in her hand.
CONNIE
(hollers)
Alan you forgot your drink.
PRISCILLA
(rolls her eyes)
That is one dizzy black woman.
ON TOP OF BUILDING
ALAN
I'm not thirsty, fool. I want my
money back from that criminal.
Alan MOVES too close to the edge, loses his balance and
almost FALLS off the building. He JUMPS away from the edge
in a panic.
KEVIN
Look, it's the news cameras.
FRANK
(excited)
News cameras? How does my hair
look?
KEVIN
Like a pair of old boots.
Frank WALKS up to the news reporter.
FRANK
I'm Frank Reed I can tell you what
happened.
NEWS REPORTER
Please do.
FRANK
Well we were playing cards at the
hide out here on the strip, two
doors down from the improv, when I
took the sucker for twelve hundred
smackers fair and square on the up
and up. I was gonna use the money
to take my band, Frankie and that
bunch of unwashed hoodlums, on a
west coast tour. But I'll give it
back to Alan if it would mean
saving his miserable life and make
me look good in the process.
NEWS REPORTER
Frank Reed has decided to give
twelve hundred dollars back to
his friend to prevent him from
jumping off of an eight story
building. Let's give him a hand.
The spectators BOO and THROW trash.
FRANK
You hear that, Alan buddy? I'm
giving you your money back so you
can come down from that building.
ALAN
I'll be right down.
INT. THE HIDE OUT – DAY
ALAN
So where's my money?
FRANK
It's up your nose you wildebeest.
And thanks for the free publicity.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS – DAY
Tina DRIVES Frank and Cufflink in her pink convertible. A
wimpy song PLAYS on the radio. Frank CHANGES the station.
FRANK
Yelch, what a wimpy song.
TINA
Leave that station alone, bozo.
Tina CHANGES the station back. Frank CHANGES it again.
FRANK
I don't want to hear that crap.
Tina CHANGES the station again.
TINA
It's my car and my radio and I can
listen to all the crap I want to.
Frank TOUCHES the knob, Tina SLAPS his hand and the car
SCREECHES to a HALT. Cufflink CATHES flies.
TINA
Get out. Get out of my car.
FRANK
You mean you're kicking me out of
your car over a wimpy pop song?
TINA
Wow, that didn't take long to
register. And the answer is yes.
You can give those addidas a
workout.
Frank GETS OUT of the car, Tina PEELS OUT and leaves him.
FRANK
Why you turkey-faced wench. I'll
get you my pretty. And your
nutty housefly-catching cat too.
Well I'll be a thirsty hillbilly.
INT. THE HIDE OUT BAR – DAY
MARK
Frank, I'm sick of this girl.
She thinks she's so special.
Here's ten bucks, would you give
her the treatment?
FRANK
Make it twenty and I'll give her
the deluxe treatment.
MARK
Okay, but this better be good.
Frank TAKES the money and WALKS up to SPECIAL CHICK.
FRANK
Do you think you're special?
SPECIAL CHICK
Well, yes. I mean it's not like
I'm some ordinary chick.
FRANK
Well I think you're special too.
Matter of fact I think you're so
special I'm gonna start calling
you special chick. How you like
that folks? Doesn't that have a
nice ring to it? Special chick.
KEVIN
That name does fit her. May I
get you anything, special chick?
ALAN
Phone call for special chick.
FRANK
She's special and she's a chick.
So that makes her special chick.
The crowd CHANTS "We want special chick."
SPECIAL CHICK
Stop saying that, stop saying that.
MARK
(to Frank)
You're good.
Special chick SWINGS her fist at Frank. He GRABS it.
FRANK
Look. She even gets angry in a
special way.
SPECIAL CHICK
I hate all you losers.
KEVIN
So I guess cheap and tawdry sex
is out of the question, aaay?
INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE – DAY
Special chick lies on the couch in shock.
SPECIAL CHICK
Doctor, am I too special?
INT. THE HIDE OUT BAR – DAY
PRISCILLA
Gimme a vodka and tonic...fast.
ALAN
Who do you think you are,
special chick?
Frank and Mark WALK away. A funky R&B JAM PLAYS and a
drunk Priscilla gets the spirit. She CLIMBS on top of the
bar and DANCES.
PRISCILLA
Whew, there's somethin' shakin'.
Yes baby, there's somethin'
shakin'. And I believe it's my
ass. Make room baby. Whew.
Kevin gets angry. The men THROW wads of dollars on the bar.
Priscilla PICKS UP the money and SHAKES some more.
PRISCILLA
Somebody call the fire
department, I'm getting' hot.
Whew yes, hot..hot..hot.
CONNIE
You go girl.
KEVIN
Priscilla stop clownin'.
PRISCILLA
Too late 'cause I got the spirit.
Shakin' and bakin' baby, that's
the ticket...Ooooooooops
Priscilla loses her balance and FALLS into Kevin's arms.
PRISCILLA
Lookin' for a good time, good
lookin'?
KEVIN
You're drunk. Alan here are my
car keys. Get her out of here.
PRISCILLA
How you gon' slip, shlip ship me
out somewhere? Do I look like a
package, mister postman?
KEVIN
Take your drunk behind home.
Kevin puts his hands on Priscilla and she SLAPS them away.
PRISCILLA
Get your paws off me. You better
not mess with me Kevin 'cause I
come from a long line of skillet
throwin' women.
KEVIN
You act like somebody whopped you
upside the head with one.
PRISCILLA
So why did all the lumps sprout up
on your head?
ON STAGE
Frank and Mark TUNE the musical equipment. Alan APPEARS.
ALAN
You guys missed it. Kevin and
Priscilla had a fight.
MARK
Did they break up? Did Kevin
start crying like a little girl?
ALAN
No, but it was atomic, ballistic.
Frank throws a HUGE TANTRUM.
FRANK
Dang. Now Kevin's gonna go out
and hire a bunch of half-assed,
coldfish, lazy bimbo waitresses
with big boobs and small brains.
(MORE)
FRANK(cont.)
And they're gonna leave all their
work for me to do and I'm gonna
complain to Kevin. But he's gonna
be too busy lookin' at those lazy
bimbo waitresses big boobs to pay
any attention to me. Then I'm
gonna complain some more and
Kevin's gonna ignore me some more.
Then I'm gonna get all frustrated,
blow a fuse and end up bein' the
only one who suffers.
MARK
(to Alan)
He's got it all mapped out doesn't
he?
ALAN
I think I'll have him plan my next
vacation. You don't have to whine
about it. They kissed and made up.
FRANK
They did? Well that's good.
Frank WALKS away. Alan STOPS him.
ALAN
Don't you want to know why they
had a fight in the first place?
FRANK
No. I just want to know that they
made up so Kevin won't go out and
hire a bunch of half-assed,
coldfish, lazy bimbo waitresses
with big boobs and small brains.
INT. THE HIDE OUT STAGE – DAY
KEVIN
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me
great pleasure to introduce my
cousin Darnell Williams who has
the number seventeen song in the
nation. Show him some love.
DARNELL WILLIAMS SINGS and the crowd GOES WILD. Matt SHOWS
up. He wears a tool belt. A single hammer hangs from it.
MARK
Frank, look at your nutty brother.
ALAN
What is he doing with that hammer?
FRANK
That way he can steal everything
that is nailed down too. Look,
he's hustling work to buy drugs.
MATT
Frank, you better hope Matt's
insanity isn't hereditary.
FRANK
Did you know they named a part of
Disneyland after Matt?
ALAN
Oh yeah?
FRANK
Yeah. It's called loserland.
MARK
And what kind of rides do they
have in loserland?
FRANK
They don't have any rides. They
jump you, take your wallet and
shove you out the back gate.
MARK
Poor Paulette. She sure has her
work cut out for her.
ALAN
Yeah. Matt's an even bigger
loser than you are Frank.
FRANK
I can't take it anymore. I have
to save Paulette from a fate worse
than death.
ALAN
What, two weeks in Mississippi?
INT. PAULETTE'S HOUSE – DAY
FRANK
(grins)
Paulette, daddy's home.
Paulette GRINS.
INT. ANJELICA'S MANSION – NIGHT
Anjelica hosts a big party. Once again she's upset and
Doreen spies as usual.
SUPER: "TRANSLATION: MY DAUGHTER'S BACK WITH THAT LOSER."
ANJELICA
The most dreaded of anticipated
circumstances have befallen me
in a most unorthodox and unforeseen
manner. It seems that my painfully
delivered, though highly valued
female offspring, Paulette, has
resumed a passionate and totally
unwelcome romantic liaison with
a most indisputably vile shadow
of a human being whose name I am
loathe to pronounce. A creature who
epitomizes utter depravity. Daniel,
rectify this dilemma.
DANNY
But mother, what can I do?
Frank and Paulette SHOW UP. Anjelica prepares for battle.
FRANK
Do you think there's a party going
on?
PAULETTE
I don't know. Looks kind of dead.
I'm going to mingle. I'm sure you
can find plenty of trouble to get
into.
FRANK
You go ahead. I have a bone to
pick with Beeotch.
Frank MARCHES toward music critic BEEOTCH WILCOX.
FRANK
Spooky, spooky. Hey big spooky,
since you were such a good dog I'm
gonna give you two Scooby snacks.
BEEOTCH
Darling Frankie, what brings you
here? What's the matter, you
weren't good enough for skid row?
FRANK
That's right. But you should feel
good to know that every time I look
at you I feel utterly miserable.
Matt SHOW UP. Paulette JOINS Frank and Beeotch.
FRANK
I don't care how many bad reviews
you write. Frankie and that bunch
of unwashed hoodlums are still
going to the top. Do you
understand that bitch?
BEEOTCH
That's miss Beeotch to you.
Beeotch WALKS away.
PAULETTE
Ladies and gentlemen may I have
your attention? I have a
wonderful announcement to make.
My darling frank Reed and I are
engaged to be married.
Anjelica CHOKES on her drink then FAINTS.
FRANK
Just my way of bringing joy into
Paulette's dismal and hum drum
existence.
Some guests APPLAUD and others BOO. Matt GRABS his hammer
and RUSHES toward Frank.
MATT
(roars)
Aaaaaaaaah.
Matt SWINGS the hammer at frank who GRABS it and WRESTLES
it out of his hand. The hammer FALLS and Doreen GRABS it.
Frank STOPS and POINTS at the ceiling.
FRANK
Look. It's the polka dot
princess.
MATT
Nice try sunny Jim.
Matt PUNCHES Frank in the gut and they BRAWL. DANIEL
BAUER, CLAUDIUS BAUER and several guests BREAK them up.
PAULETTE
Boys, boys stop fighting. Can't
we all just get along?
Matt and Frank stop fighting.
PAULETTE
Now kiss and make up.
FRANK
So Matt, you steal any nice cars
lately?
Matt and Frank BRAWL again. Danny and Claudius BREAK them
up again.
CLAUDIUS
Control yourself Frank. Haven't
you any common sense?
FRANK
I don't have any common sense
because I'm not common.
Matt is DRAGGED away. Anjelica SNEAKS into
THE KITCHEN
Doreen FOLLOWS her. Anjelica GETS ON the phone and Doreen
spies.
ANJELICA
I don't care what kind of drugs
you plant on that virus. Just as
long as it's a lot of it.
DOREEN
(to herself)
Oooh. Just wait 'til I spill
the beans to Frankie.
AT THE BAR
Several guests congratulate Frank and Paulette. Doreen
WHISPERS into Frank's ear.
DOREEN
Meet me in the library pronto.
IN THE LIBRARY
Doreen and Frank ENTER. Doreen SCOPES OUT the room.
DOREEN
Anjelica's got a big shipment
of pharmaceuticals for you.
FRANK
And who says she doesn't love me?
DOREEN
The boys in blue are gonna frame
you.
FRANK
Shut yo' mouth.
DOREEN
Give me your I.d. and my usual
administrative fee. I got a plan.
Frank HANDS Doreen his i.d. and a fifty dollar bill.
DOREEN
Get lost in the crowd 'cause I
gotta work it.
Doreen TAKES OFF and leaves Frank in the library. As Frank
starts to leave, Danny SHOWS UP.
DANNY
What are you doing in here?
FRANK
Minding my own business. You
should try it sometime.
Danny eyes Frank suspiciously.
EXT. ANJELICA'S MANSION – NIGHT
The police ARRIVE and APPROACH Matt.
POLICE
Frank Reed, you're under arrest.
The police HANDCUFF Matt.
MATT
What are you doing? I'm not Frank.
I'm Matt Shannon.
POLICE
Can I see some i.d.?
Matt shows the police his identification.
POLICE
It says here Frank Reed. You're
coming with us pal.
MATT
Well I'll be a narrow-assed
blowfish.
The police DRIVE OFF with Matt. Paulette gives Frank a
knowing look.
FRANK
Well, Matt's always trying to take
everything I get. So he can have
my jail time too.
PAULETTE
You're good.
INT. THE HIDE OUT – DAY
Frank and Paulette get married in front of a BIG CROWD.
MINISTER
You may kiss the bride.
Frank and Paulette KISS.
FRANK
Ah ah ah the hair, baby. Be
careful with the hair.
PAULETTE
I can see this is going to be an
interesting marriage.
The crowd APPLAUDS. Darnell SINGS for the newlyweds.
INT. THE HIDE OUT BAR - DAY
MARK
Frank, we're runnin' low on juice.
FRANK
What do you want me to do?
KEVIN
Buy some more.
FRANK
Ha ha ha. Kevin you're a riot.
MARK
We could do a beer run.
ALAN
I know. You can do like Bette
Davis in whatever happened to baby
Jane. Bette called a liquor store
pretending to be Joan Crawford and
fooled the liquor store clerk into
giving her the free liquor.
FRANK
Now that you've proven you're a
complete idiot, what's your point?
ALAN
Since you impersonate Anjelica so
well, you can call her liquor
store and get free liquor.
FRANK
I'm shocked.
ALAN
Why, because I came up with a
bright idea?
FRANK
No. Because you came up with a
bright idea without blowin' a
fuse or somethin'.
IN THE OFFICE.
Frank is on the phone. Alan, Kevin and Mark surround him.
FRANK
(impersonates Anjelica)
Hello, this is Anjelica Bauer
speaking. And I would like to
order some alcoholic beverages.
Kevin CROSSES his eyes and brings his index finger to his
lips to SHHHH (quiet) everyone.
KEVIN
(impersonates Anjelica)
Shhhhh. She's Anjelica Bauer
speaking. And she would like to
order some alcoholic beverages.
Kevin LAUGHS quietly and Frank ROLLS his eyes.
FRANK
(impersonates Anjelica)
Uh yes. I would like to order six
bottles of scotch. Seven bottles
of gin. Six cases of your very
best champagne, and eleven cases
of beer...Oh I was afraid that
eleven cases of beer might sound
a bit excessive ih uhm and I have
a perfectly valid explanation. Uh
yes. Well it seems that I have
family flying in from back east.
And well...the boys insist that
I have a substantial amount of
beer available.
Frank COVERS the mouth of the receiver.
FRANK
What a load of hockey.
Priscilla JOINS them. Kevin INTERRUPTS Frank.
KEVIN
(impersonates Anjelica)
You heard it from the horses rump.
The boys insist that she have a
substantial amount of beer
available.
FRANK
Will you knock it off?
(impersonates Anjelica)
Uh yes. And would you kindly
deliver that order to twelve
eighty three west lankershim? My
maid Priscilla Ransom shall take
possession of the shipment...
A free bottle of cognac for me?
Bless you. Thank you and have a
lovely day.
ALAN
He's so gracious and refined when
he pretends to be Anjelica.
INT. THE HIDE OUT – NIGHT
The party is over. Frank and Paulette OPEN wedding gifts.
PAULETTE
Look baby, grandpa gave us ten
thousand shares in the company.
FRANK
That should give Anjelica a
couple of ulcers to add to her
collection.
Kevin WALKS up.
KEVIN
Frank, let me holler at you in the
office.
Frank WALKS with Kevin to
THE OFFICE
KEVIN
Doreen just told me that Anjelica
is planning a huge party for the
Carlton foundation. So what are
you gonna do about it?
FRANK
The only logical thing, silly.
I'm going to ruin it for her.
Duh.
KEVIN
(grins)
I knew you wouldn't let me down.
INT. GUEST ROOM OF ANJELICA'S MANSION – DAY
Anjelica hosts a big party for the Carlton foundation.
Doreen WHEELS in a cloth-covered catering cart. Frank
JUMPS OUT of it.
FRANK
Keep the motor runnin', I'll
only be a minute.
DOREEN
You better make me laugh or I'm
telling Anjelica you over here
stankin' up the place.
FRANK
Get ready to bust a gut.
Doreen smiles and TAKES OFF. Frank MIXES into the crowd.
He APPROACHES several foundation members.
FRANK
You with the Carlton foundation?
MEMBER 1
I most certainly am.
FRANK
Good because I'm Frank Reed. I'm
Anjelica Bauer's son-in law. I
knew her back when she lived on
the farm. Listen, one time Anjelica
and I were skiing up at squaw
valley. And when she walked
across a patch of ice she slipped
and busted her ass.
Frank LAUGHS too loud, SLAPS member 1 on the back and his
dentures FLY out of his mouth and into his drink.
FRANK
Better grab those things before
they bite somebody. Gotta run.
Member 1 PICKS his dentures out of his glass and Frank
MOVES ON to MEMBER 2.
FRANK
You with the Carlton foundation?
MEMBER 2
As a matter of fact yes.
FRANK
I'm Frank Reed, Anjelica's son-in
law. Waiter, haul some of them
vittles over this way.
A waiter WALKS up with a tray of hors d'oeuvre's. Frank
GRABS two handfuls. Doreen LAUGHS from a distance.
FRANK
It's best to load up so I won't
have to keep pesterin' the help.
MEMBER 2
I take it you have a large
appetite.
FRANK
Listen up Charlie, the only thing
you're gonna take around here is a
ass whippen.
Frank takes a BITE of the hors d'oeuvre and quickly
SPITS it out.
FRANK
Uuuuh, yuck, blech. This thing
tastes just like a baseball glove.
Frank STICKS the hors d'oeuvre in several of the MEMBERS
faces.
FRANK
Here try it. It tastes just like
a baseball glove.
MEMBER 2
No thank you, I'm on a strict diet.
Member 2 ESCAPES from Frank and WHISPERS to fellow
foundation members.
MEMBER 2
If he's the kind of scum Anjelica
associates with, then she has no
place in our organization.
Frank MOVES on to MEMBER 3.
FRANK
The name's Frank Reed. I'm ol'
bucket of bolts uh ih uhm I mean
I'm Anjelica's son-in-law.
FRANK
I don't care how many big words
Anjelica uses or how high up in
society she goes. She'll always
be my little farm girl.
MEMBER 3
You two must be really close.
FRANK
Oh yes. Why, we do everything
together. Well, not everything.
We don't do the freaky thing
together. And we use separate
restrooms...Most of the time.
MEMBER 3
How remarkable.
Member 3 SIPS from his drink.
FRANK
Would you like to smell my
arm pits?
Member 3 SPITS OUT his drink.
FRANK
I'll take that as a yes.
IN THE LIBRARY
SUPER: "TRANSLATION: FIND THE CREEP."
ANJELICA
Preliminary reports of random
sightings of a most vile creature
embolden me to take evasive and
aggressive tactics aimed at the
elimination and unceremonious
removal of said individual.
Thereby attesting to my superior
intellect involving such matters
of such grave and stupefyingly
immense high brow proportionally
evident properties...Therein.
Anjelica SHOWS her BODYGUARDS a picture of Frank.
ANJELICA
If you see this punk at my party,
I want you to rip off his
reproductive organs. After that,
if he's still standing, I want
you to cut off his hair.
DANNY
(shocked)
Cut off his hair. Mother must
really be pissed.
The bodyguards TAKE OFF to search for Frank. An upset
Doreen GRABS a cloth covered catering cart that's loaded
with food and SEARCHES for Frank.
IN THE DINING ROOM
Frank CHATS with a foundation member when Doreen SHOWS UP.
FRANK
The only use I would have for one
of these expensive vases is to
throw at one of those sex crazed
numbskulls I hang out with. Of
course I'm nothing like them.
DOREEN
Hop in. It's time to haul ass.
FRANK
Anjelica must be ready to swim.
You'll want to cover your eyes
because it's not a pretty sight.
Frank HOPS in the cart seconds before bodyguards ARRIVE.
Doreen WHEELS him to the
BACK DOOR
She SHOVES the cart out the back door. Several guests eye
her suspiciously.
DOREEN
Cuttin' out cholesterol, chile.
INT. THE HIDE OUT BAR – DAY
The gang LAUGHS about Frank's exploits at Anjelica's party.
Kevin's cousin, solo singer DARNELL WILLIAMS, is with them.
KEVIN
(to Darnell)
Now you get to see Frank do the
routine.
DARNELL
What's the routine?
KEVIN
Frank you tell him.
FRANK
This is the routine. Now that
I ruined Anjelica's party, she's
gonna send a couple of her
flunkies over here to get me.
Probably Beeotch and biscuit-head.
So they're gonna get over here
and say...Oh Frank we come in
peace and we don't mean any harm
and we just want to ask you a
few questions.
DARNELL
Frontin' huh?
FRANK
Right. So they're gonna start
asking a bunch of stupid
questions that they already know
the answers to. Then I'm gonna
blow a fuse, make a scene and
throw 'em out on their cushions.
KEVIN
Speak of the devil. Here they
come.
FRANK
And here we go again.
Beeotch, who wears a wig, ENTERS the club with Danny and
they APPROACH the gang.
FRANK
Well if it isn't bitch and
biscuit-head.
BEEOTCH
The proper pronunciation is
Beeotch.
FRANK
Bitch, Beeotch, all the same.
DANNY
We'd like to talk to you.
FRANK
Oh yeah?
DANNY
Do you mind if we speak in your
office.
FRANK
Sure. Why not?
IN THE OFFICE
Beeotch, Danny and Frank ENTER. Frank SHUTS the door.
FRANK
Good thing you guys got here
while it's safe. The rat
exterminator won't be here for
another hour.
Frank quickly looks between Danny's and Beeotch's face,
several times. He looks for a reaction. When they fail to
respond Frank frowns.
FRANK
Well go ahead and talk. You
geniuses do know how to talk
don't you?
DANNY BEEOTCH
Why did you show up to You had no right ruining
my mother's party and.. our party and you...
FRANK
(raises his hand)
Ah ah ah. Not so fast. One
dirtbag at a time.
DANNY
Now Frank, we didn't come here
to make trouble. We just want to
ask you a few questions.
FRANK
Uh huh, sure sure, whatever.
DANNY
Why did you ruin my mother's
party for the Carlton foundation?
FRANK
(shouts)
I was invited to that party.
BEEOTCH
Hhmm that's funny. But I don't
recall anyone sending you and
invitation.
FRANK
Look. I heard it through the
grapevine that the Carlton
foundation invited the Bauer
family to that party. And
since I'm married to Paulette,
technically that makes me
family.
(loud)
If you two would pull your heads
out of your armpits for one
minute, you would understand
that fact.
(shouts)
And we wouldn't have all these
problems.
DANNY
Frank, you knew that the Carlton
foundation only wanted to see my
immediate family at that party.
BEEOTCH
And you know they wouldn't
invite your kind to a dog fight.
DANNY
Besides, you don't even like
those people.
FRANK
Say listen. I'm sorry I didn't
read the fine print about this
immediate family business. And
since when did you have to like
somebody before it's o.k. to
party with them?
(to Beeotch)
And you. When you referred to me
as your kind, what did you mean by
that, a crack?
BEEOTCH
Not only that but I think your
kind is slimy, lazy, inept and
should be banished to the
nearest sewer.
FRANK
Ah, you're just mad because all
you got for Christmas was a can
of deodorant and a bed pan.
BEEOTCH
(aggravated)
I can see that the only thing
your head is good for is coming
up with twisted and perverted
thoughts.
FRANK
Well listen up sister, the only
thing your head is good for is
a place to hang a wig.
Frank turns and WALKS toward the door. BEEOTCH LUNGES at
him. Danny RESTRAINS her.
FRANK
Look, I'm tired of listening to
this hockey. Haul it out of here.
Danny and Beeotch WALK towards the door.
DANNY
You don't want to mess with us
Frank. We're very powerful
people.
FRANK
Yeah? Well if your strong breath
is an indication of your power,
then I'm in deep caca. Here's the
door, use it.
Frank OPENS the door, the gang FALLS through it and onto
the floor. Danny and Beeotch WALK through the door.
BEEOTCH
You're skating on thin ice and
don't even now it.
FRANK
Blah blah blah blah, mumbo jumbo.
Frank SLAMS the door in Danny's and Beeotch's face. The
gang GETS UP off the floor.
FRANK
So did you enjoy the show?
KEVIN
You bet we did.
DARNELL
(loud)
What are they picking on you for?
You were invited to that party.
MARK
Did you enjoy yourself?
FRANK
Is a drunk thirsty? You know, this
crashing parties business is a lot
more fun than I expected. I
highly recommend it as an
alternative form of therapy.
ALAN
That and cross dressing.
Everyone gives Alan a strange look. He BLUSHES.
INT. FRANK'S APARTMENT – DAY
The gang sits on the couch, DRINK liquor and SMOKE weed.
FRANK
Can you imagine Beeotch and
biscuit-head trying to talk some
sense into my head? Who ever
heard of such a ridiculous idea?
KEVIN
I know. No wonder you had a cow.
MARK
I bet you those buffoons won't
pull another stunt like that.
ALAN
Yeah, that'll teach 'em.
Darnell uses the remote to TURN ON the tv. The 60's tv
series "Batman" shows. The gang BREAKS into LAUGHTER.
ALAN
Hey it's batman and robin beating
up the penguin and joker.
DARNELL
Kapow, whap, crunch, thunk, wham.
A glass bowl full of pretzels mysteriously RISES off of the
coffee table. Mark notices it first.
MARK
Whoa baby, will you look at this?
KEVIN
Well call me collect.
The gang stops clowning and watch the bowl of pretzels
RISE. They watch like a bunch of curious "Sesame Street"
muppets.
The bowl quickly CRASHES down into the table and SHATTERS.
The gang breaks into LAUGHTER.
FRANK
Cool dude. So what do you
think of that?
ALAN
No strings, no wires.
DARNELL
Looks like somebody pissed off
Rufus the ghost.
FRANK
Hey, now that we're high, let's go
get into somethin'. Get it, we're
gonna go get into somethin'?
(to Kevin)
Pass it down.
Kevin gives Frank an exaggerated WINK if the eye and turns
to Mark.
KEVIN
(to Mark)
We're gonna go get into somethin'.
Pass it down.
MARK
(to Darnell)
We're gonna go get into somethin'.
Pass it down.
DARNELL
(to Alan)
We're gonna go get into somethin'.
Pass it down.
ALAN
(to no one)
We're gonna go get into...
Alan notices that he's talking to no one. So he LAUGHS and
GOES to the front of the line to give the message to Frank
who started it.
ALAN
We're gonna go get in...
FRANK
Will you jump in a toilet?
KEVIN
So what can we get into?
Frank DANGLES a set of keys.
FRANK
I'm sure we can give Anjelica a
massive headache with these.
DARNELL
What do those go to? And where
did you steal 'em?
FRANK
(chuckles)
Let's just say that I bumped
into biscuit-head a while ago.
INT. DANNY'S OFFICE – DAY
The gang ENTERS. Alan crosses his eyes and brings his
index finger to his lips to SHHH (quiet) everyone. Then
he TALKS like Elmer Fudd.
ALAN
Shhh. Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm
huntin' a wabbit.
Alan RELEASES a LOUD HICCOUGH and LAUGHS.
FRANK
Kevin you check the filing
cabinet. I'll look in the desk.
ALAN
What are we looking for?
FRANK
Nothing in particular. I just
feel like breaking into
somethin'. You ever get that
feelin'?
Frank looks into an envelope, GRINS and STASHES the
envelope in his shirt. The gang hears someone ENTER the
office and they PANIC like sissies.
KEVIN
Everybody hide.
The gang starts to HIDE. Claudius APPEARS.
MARK
We don't have to hide. It's
just Claudius.
DARNELL
You mean it's only Claudius.
ALAN
You mean it's nobody but Claudius.
CLAUDIUS
What are you thugs doing in here?
KEVIN
(effeminate)
You're right on time. This thug
just whipped up a mouthwateringly
delicious soufflé. Would you care
for a palate pleasing morsel?
DARNELL
I'll have a taste.
CLAUDIUS
What do you want?
ALAN
World peace. But I'll settle for
an ice cold bud and Britney Spears.
CLAUDIUS
I'm calling security.
FRANK
No you're not. Grab him.
The gang GRABS Claudius. They use an extension cord to TIE
him to a chair. Alan BALLS up several sheets of typing
paper and SHOVES the wad into Claudius' mouth.
Kevin gives Claudius' swivel chair a good SPIN.
FRANK
Well if it isn't Sparky the
wonder boy. All tied up.
DARNELL
Alan I warned you about picking up
stray animals.
ALAN
I just fed it one time and it
followed me home. Does anybody
know what it is?
MARK
(to Alan)
I don't know what it is. Do you
know what it is?
ALAN
(to Frank)
I don't know what it is. Do you
know what it is?
FRANK
(to Darnell)
I've never seen anything quite
like it. Do you know what it is?
DARNELL
I know. We'll ask the legendary
honorary alumni, academic doctor
professor, Percival Peter Paul
Pompous m.d. He knows everything.
Doctor Pompous do you know what
this ugly thing is?
KEVIN
Gentlemen. This hideously ugly,
grotesquely perverted,
otherworldly appearing creature is
in reality the extremely rare
Santamonicasaurus.
Everyone OOHS and AAHS in excitement and shock.
KEVIN
A timid, simple-minded creature
that existed in the prehistoric
lowlands of Santa Monica during
the late Jurassic period of the
Mesozoic era.
MARK
The Santamonicasaurus?
DARNELL
Well slap me three times and
call me a taxi cab.
ALAN
O.k. You're a taxi cab.
MARK
Do you realize how rare this
hideously ugly creature is?
ALAN
Does it bite?
Frank PACES back and forth.
FRANK
So doctor professor Pompous. Are
you saying that this hideously
ugly, grotesquely perverted,
otherworly appearing creature is
in reality the extremely rare
Santamonicasaurus? A timid,
simple-minded creature that
existed in the prehistoric
lowlands of Santa Monica during
the late Jurassic period of the
Mesozoic era?
KEVIN
If my observations are correct.
And it is widely known in
scientific circles that my
observations are always correct.
FRANK
I don't believe you doctor.
Frank GRABS a magnifying glass out of the desk.
FRANK
I'll have to investigate this
matter a little further.
Frank takes a close look at Claudius through the magnifying
glass. He POKES OUT his bottom lip and goes bug-eyed.
FRANK
It is the Santamonicasaurus.
Everyone, including Kevin, OOHS and AAHS in excitement.
FRANK
And a fine specimen too I might
add. A fine specimen indeed.
Kevin PULLS the wad of paper out of Claudius' mouth.
KEVIN
Any last words Sherlock?
CLAUDIUS
You clowns are on drugs.
KEVIN
Drugs?
Kevin SHOVES the wad of paper back in Claudius' mouth and
gives his swivel chair a good SPIN.
DARNELL
I ain't seen no drugs since Michael
Jackson was black.
ALAN
I thought we were taking vitamins.
FRANK
That's it. I'm suing my doctor
for malpractice.
DARNELL
Word. Word. Keepin' it real.
FRANK
I'm charging him with
misrepresentation.
KEVIN
Misinformation.
MARK
Misdemeanor.
ALAN
Mississippi.
DARNELL
And and and miss south central
thrown in for good measure.
FRANK
Hey. Since we're still high,
let's go dining out. Get it?
We're gonna go dining out.
Alan and Darnell give Frank an exaggerated WINK of the eye.
EXT. DENNY'S RESTAURANT – DAY
INT. DENNY'S RESTAURANT – DAY
A waitress SERVES food and LEAVES. The gang EATS like pigs.
MARK
So what happened after that?
DARNELL
I was walkin' down the doggone
stree...Bill Eads cussed me out
...and I spoke to Boe Boe.
KEVIN
Whose turn to sneak out last?
MARK
Not me.
ALAN
Not me.
FRANK
Not me.
DARNELL
I did it the last time.
KEVIN
No you didn't. Alan snuck out
of the house of blues. It's
your turn.
ALAN
Uuuuh, Mark did you cut loose
with a silent but deadly?
MARK
It wasn't me so it must have been
Darnell.
DARNELL
I didn't do nothin'. The waitress
did a drive-by.
FRANK
I need to start hanging out with a
higher class of unwashed hoodlums.
ALAN
Their property values took a nose
dive when we blew in.
Darnell STANDS UP, GRABS a chicken leg and WALKS towards
the exit.
MARK
Who told you to relocate?
DARNELL
I'm gettin' out of this gas
chamber. Somebody needs to
tighten their valve.
MARK
Stop thief.
ALAN
Hold that tiger.
KEVIN
Back that ass up. You know you
have to sneak out last.
Darnell SITS DOWN and EATS his chicken leg like a pig.
ALAN
Hey, my eggs are runny. And I
asked for scrambled.
FRANK
Send it back. Just because we're
not paying for this overpriced
slop doesn't mean they have to
stiff us on quality and service.
KEVIN
Well fellas, it's time to make
tracks.
Kevin GETS UP and LEAVES. FOLLOWED by Mark and Frank.
ALAN
Make sure you leave a big tip so
they won't think we're cheap.
DARNELL
Yeah. We wouldn't want that kind
of malicious gossip gettin' around.
Alan WALKS out of the restaurant.
EXT. DENNY'S RESTAURANT – DAY
Frank is at the wheel of his '69 Camaro. The engine RUNS.
Alan, Kevin and Mark are also in the car. Darnell ROCKETS
out of the front door of the restaurant FOLLOWED by the
WAITRESS.
WAITRESS
Cough up the cash pigs.
DARNELL
But I left you a tip.
Darnell RACES to
THE CAR
DIVES into the passenger side window and Frank PEELS OUT.
DARNELL
Burn rubber baby buh-buh.
Frank and the gang RACE away from the restaurant but
Darnell is THROWN from the car and ROLLS down
A HILL
MARK
Ever get the feeling that we're
short one occupant?
Darnell ROLLS and causes a traffic PILE UP and near misses.
He ROLLS past
A SCHOOL
He almost RUNS OVER a traffic guard and school children.
They JUMP BACK.
ALAN
He has a funny way of saying he
doesn't like your driving.
Darnell comes to a STOP in front of a
CITY BUS
He STANDS UP, DUSTS himself off and PICKS bubblegum, candy
wrappers and other debris off of himself.
DARNELL
That's the last time I go joy
riding with a clown who got his
drivers license from a lottery
scratch-off.
Frank and the gang DRIVE UP. Darnell GETS IN the car and
they drive off.
MARK
What a way to see the USA, aaay?
KEVIN
Hey Darnell, could you drop me off
at Wilshire and Figueroa?
DARNELL
I'd like to drop you off a cliff.
ALAN
Hey Frank, what was in that
envelope you found in Danny's
office?
FRANK
The answer to my prayers.
Gentlemen, I have tickets to the
grammys.
MARK
(shocked)
Tickets to the grammys?
KEVIN
What the..?
MONTAGE – FRANK HAS TICKETS TO THE GRAMMYS
--Anjelica SHOUTS "TICKETS TO THE GRAMMYS?"
--Twyla SHOUTS it.
--Matt SHOUTS it.
--Tina SHOUTS it.
INT. CONNIE'S APARTMENT – DAY
Connie is on the phone in shock.
CONNIE
What's a grammy?
EXT. THE BEACH – DAY
Connie FILES her nails, Priscilla APPLIES lip stick and
Tina BRUSHES her hair. They recline in chairs.
TINA
This person I know has something I
want really bad, but I don't know
how to make him give it to me.
CONNIE
I know how you can get a man to
give you anything you want.
Just tell him that you love him.
PRISCILLA
Girl, you been suckin' on too
many exhaust pipes.
CONNIE
For real. How do you think my
aunt Boomerang got that nice
spread out in Malibu? All she
did was tell a couple of rich
suckers that she loved them.
Tina GRINS
TINA
I know a sucker who's lookin' for
love.
INT. THE HIDE OUT BAR – DAY
TINA
Frankie I love you.
FRANK
So what am I suppose to feel,
lucky?
TINA
I'm serious. I was wrong for
kicking you out of my car that
time. But since you've been away,
I got a bad case of the hots for
you, baby.
FRANK
Tina you either need to cut down
on your dosage of drugs or quit
all together. Because you're on
a monumental legendary phenomenal,
major super-duper, over the top
off the deep end, all expenses
paid trip.
TINA
Oh Frankie you say the cutest
things. Why don't you come over
to my place and help me break-in
my new Jacuzzi?
FRANK
Will you be there?
TINA
Of course silly.
FRANK
Then I'll pass.
Frank WALKS away and Tina gives him a dirty look. Mark
CATCHES UP with Frank.
MARK
Frank, I've got another nut
case for you.
FRANK
Twenty bucks deluxe?
MARK
Here.
Mark HANDS Frank twenty dollars, WHISPERS in his ear and
they APPROACH MISTER CLEAN. Frank looks demented.
FRANK
You got something against dirt?
MISTER CLEAN
Oh yes. I hate the stuff. Have
you ever seen dirt under a
microscope? It's hideous.
FRANK
You seem to forget that you're
made of dirt. It's a scientific
fact. It's even in the bible.
Thou art dirt and dirt is thou.
It goes somethin' like that.
Mister clean goes into shock and STUMBLES out of the club.
INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE – DAY
Mister clean lies on the couch.
MISTER CLEAN
Doctor, am I made of dirt?
INT. THE HIDE OUT STAGE – DAY
FRANK
Do you ever get funny urges? I
do. Like, right now I have a
funny urge to break my brother-
in-law Danny's finger. But I
don't want him to figure out what
I'm up to. Now how do I break
Danny's finger without him
getting suspicious?
(snaps his finger)
I know, I'll punch him in the
nose.
The band plays a ROCK SONG.
EXT. LONELY ROAD – NIGHT
Priscilla DRIVES drunk, loses control of the car and
CRASHES.
INT. JAIL CELL – NIGHT
A GUARD RELEASES Priscilla from her Jail cell.
GUARD
You're free to go.
INT. JAIL FRONT OFFICE – NIGHT
Priscilla MEETS UP with Frank. As they LEAVE they PASS by
a COP who questions a TOUGH GUY.
COP
So you won't talk, aaay tough guy?
TOUGH GUY
That's right copper. You're not
gonna make a stoolie out of me.
COP
Looks like I'll have to send
Frankie and that bunch of
unwashed hoodlums after you.
TOUGH GUY
I'll talk. I'll talk. I drove
the getaway car. Daddy dewdrop
supplied the guns. Skillet
stashed the dough in one of those
lockers at the greyhound. Our
hideout is at nineteen forty
seven Olympic boulevard. I was
born February seventeenth 1961.
My mother's maiden name was
Humphrey. I wear size thirty six
underwear. I'm aquarius. I put
the ram in the ramalamadingdong.
I'm the voice of cousin itt.
COP
Works every time.
EXT. LONELY STREET – NIGHT
Priscilla and Frank sit in his '69 Cougar.
PRISCILLA
(weeps)
When Kevin finds out I wrecked his
car he's gonna kick my black ass.
FRANK
Why don't you paint your ass white
and confuse him?...I'm sorry.
PRISCILLA
Kevin can't find out about this.
Frank, you gotta bail me out.
FRANK
With what, my good looks?
INT. THE HIDE OUT – DAY
An aggravated Frank WALKS in and approaches Priscilla.
FRANK
I need to see you in the office.
Frank and Priscilla WALK into
THE OFFICE
Tina's suspicion is aroused and she FOLLOWS them. Tina
SWALLOWS her drink and put the shot glass up to the door
so that she can listen in.
FRANK
Well I got it for you.
Frank TOSSES several envelopes on the desk. Priscilla
PICKS one of them up.
PRISCILLA
Oh good. Now we're in the clear.
FRANK
Priscilla, that's the last time I
intercept your mail for you.
Kevin almost caught me.
PRISCILLA
We have nothing to worry about.
We repaired the car. You got the
court papers and now I just have
to make sure I don't drink and
drive anymore.
Priscilla and Frank hear a NOISE outside the office.
FRANK
What was that noise?
Frank GOES to check out the noise.
OUTSIDE THE DOOR
Tina panics, DROPS the shot glass and RUNS. Frank and
Priscilla APPEAR. Frank picks up the shot glass.
PRISCILLA
Let's go to lunch. I don't
feel safe here.
Frank and Priscilla survey the club suspiciously. They
WALK out of the club. When they're gone, Tina RUSHES into
THE OFFICE
INTERCUT TELEPHONE CONVERSATION – TINA AND MATT
TINA
Hey Matt, how would you like to
attend the grammy awards?
MATT
No thanks. I'd rather stay home
and wine and dine my pet
rhinoceros. Of course I wanna
attend the grammys, dummy.
TINA
Well put on a set of your best
threads because we're going.
MATT
How are you gonna pull this off?
TINA
Let's just say I found out one of
Frankie's dirty little secrets.
Tina and Matt GRIN.
INT. THE HIDE OUT OFFICE – DAY
Frank is seated at the desk. Matt ENTERS.
MATT
Okay, cough up the grammy tickets.
FRANK
You must be out of your daisy
pickin' mind.
MATT
I know all about your dirty work,
covering up Priscilla's drunken
joyride. Now if you want to keep
Kevin in the dark I suggest you
fork over those tickets.
FRANK
(in shock)
What? How did you find?..
MATT
Get a move on father time. I
didn't come here to look at your
ugly chin drop to the floor.
Kevin ENTERS. Frank RUSHES up to him.
FRANK
Kevin, Priscilla wrecked your car
in a drunk driving accident. I
helped her pay for repairs and I
made sure you didn't see the court
papers.
KEVIN
You what? How could you?
MATT
I told him he should 'fess up.
(to Frank)
Now don't you feel better?
Kevin JUMPS Frank and they FIGHT. MATT RUNS out the door.
INT. KEVIN'S HOME – DAY
KEVIN
Priscilla is there anything you
want to tell me about my car?
PRISCILLA
Not really. The car is fine as...
KEVIN
(shouts)
That's a lie. You wrecked my car
and you covered it up with Frank's
help. I'm out of here.
Kevin STORMS out of the house. Priscilla FOLLOWS him.
PRISCILLA
But baby, I can explain.
Kevin is gone. Priscilla STOPS. A tear rolls down her
cheek.
INT. FITNESS CENTER – DAY
Kevin RIDES a stationary bike. Alan and Mark JUMP ON the
bikes on either side of him.
MARK
Kevin you have to forgive them.
Frank was just trying to help
Priscilla.
ALAN
And Priscilla panicked. I'm
sure she's learned her lesson.
KEVIN
I am so pissed. I can't believe
they pulled something like this.
MARK
You and Frank have been best
friends since we were all kids.
Surely you're not gonna give
that all up over one mistake.
ALAN
Plus you and Priscilla love
each other.
INT. THE HIDE OUT BAR – DAY
FRANK
I was wrong Kevin. I'm sorry
for lying to you.
KEVIN
I forgive you. And I know you
have a soft spot in your head
for Priscilla.
Frank and Kevin HUG. Kevin WALKS over to Priscilla.
KEVIN
I forgive you.
PRISCILLA
I'll never do anything like that
again. And I'm gonna get help for
my drinking problem.
Kevin and Priscilla HUG and KISS.
KEVIN
So you finally admit it, huh?
PRISCILLA
Well, it's true.
FRANK
I bet you I know who our spy is.
Frank, Kevin, Mark, Alan and Priscilla HUDDLE UP.
INT. THE HIDE OUT BAR – DAY
MARK
All right Frank you broke me down.
I'll give you twenty five hundred
for those grammy tickets.
FRANK
(last straw)
I'm sick of everybody hounding me
for these tickets. Here Kevin
take them. This is my payment for
covering up Priscilla's accident.
Kevin TAKES an envelope from Frank. Tina starts to WALK
out the club. She is stopped by Kevin.
KEVIN
Leaving my little party so soon?
TINA
I have to get Cufflink from the
vegetarian. I mean the vet.
MARK
Has he been sucking up too many
flies?
Tina LAUGHS uncomfortably and LEAVES the club.
IN THE OFFICE
Kevin is on the phone, surrounded by the gang.
KEVIN
No Matt. The tickets are not for
sale. No dice. Bye bye.
Kevin HANGS UP the phone.
FRANK
So if we didn't tell him, who did?
ALAN AND MARK
Tina.
Priscilla EXPLODES. She goes bug-eyed, THROWS UP her hand
as if she were taking an oath and PACES back and forth.
PRISCILLA
Oh no she didn't. No that heffa
didn't. I am taking ownership of
that ass. That's right. The
bitch can move to Timbuktu for all
I care, but the ass is comin' with
me, baby.
Priscilla PICKS UP the phone and DIALS.
PRISCILLA
I'm calling that tofu and sushi'
eatin' heffa right now and I'm
gonna give her a major piece of my
mind.
FRANK
Would you say she's pissed.
KEVIN
Pretty much.
INTERCUT TELEPHONE CONVERSATION – PRISCILLA AND TINA
PRISCILLA
Hello Tina, this is Priscilla. I
know you're the one who told
Matt about my accident. Well
guess what? I'm coming over
there to see you. And when I get
there, I'm gonna kick your
notepaper white ass through a
brick wall you direct to video ho.
Tina goes into shock.
PRISCILLA
And I'm bringing south central
with me.
TINA
South central?
Tina DROPS the telephone receiver, RACES around her
apartment and PACKS a few things.
INSERT – THE CAT
Cufflink CATCHES flies. But he's so upset by the COMMOTION
Tina makes that he SCREECHES and JUMPS out of the way.
BACK TO SCENE
Tina RACES out of the apartment. She LEAVES Cufflink
behind and the door open. Cufflink resumes CATCHING flies.
INT. AIRLINE TICKET COUNTER – DAY
Tina SCREECHES to a halt in front of a TICKET AGENT
TINA
I wanna buy a ticket.
TICKET AGENT
To where?
TINA
What do you have ready?
TICKET AGENT
Bum-fuck, Egypt.
TINA
I'll take it.
TICKET AGENT
One way or round trip?
TINA
One way.
EXT. AIRPORT – DAY
A jumbo jet LIFTS OFF the runway.
INT. JET CABIN – DAY
Tina sits in her seat and looks bug-eyed and WIPES her
brow.
TINA
South central, whew.
The jumbo jet FLIES into the horizon.
INT. KEVIN'S PLACE – NIGHT
The gang watches the grammys on t.v.
ANNOUNCER(VO)
We now return to the seventeenth
annual grammy awards.
KEVIN
Look. I see Paulette and Frank.
ALAN
Where at?
KEVIN
Can't you see them? Sitting
behind Elton John.
DARNELL
That ain't Frank. You need to get
your eyes checked, mister magoo.
KEVIN
You need to get your face checked
for freezer burn.
DARNELL
You can't talk about nobody.
Lookin' like the president of
body odor incorporated.
KEVIN
You look like somethin' that
jumped out of my garbage disposal
you ol' box head square.
DARNELL
You couldn't even win amateur
hoe night at the Apollo.
INT. THE GRAMMY AWARDS – NIGHT
Frank and Paulette TALK to a RECORD EXECUTIVE.
FRANK
You'll have to come to one of my
shows. Or we can do lunch.
RECORD EXEC.
Here's my card. Keep in touch.
The record executive HANDS Frank his card and WALKS away.
FRANK
Well how do you like them apples?
I made a connection.
PAULETTE
You're gonna have your work cut
out for you trying to whip those
unwashed hoodlums into shape.
FRANK
Good point.
EXT. DRIVEWAY OF ANJELICA'S MANSION – DAY
Doreen PUSHES a baby carriage to her car and makes baby
NOISES. She OPENS the trunk of her car, UNLOADS bottles of
liquor from the baby carriage, LOADS them into the trunk of
her car and TALK on her cellular phone.
DOREEN
Frankie, this is Doreen. The
secret password is Bertha got
ran over by a tow truck. How am
I supposed to know where Anjelica
gets her passwords? Maybe she
stashes 'em in her draws.
INT. THE HIDE OUT OFFFICE – DAY
Kevin DIALS a number on the phone. The gang watches.
KEVIN
Frank it's the liquor store.
Kevin HANDS Frank the phone. He PUTS the receiver to his
ear.
FRANK
Aw dang. It's bull dog face.
INTERCUT TELEPHONE CONVERSTAION – FRANK AND MR. MCGEEKADORK
FRANK
(impersonates Anjelica)
Uh hello, this is Anjelica Bauer
speaking and I would like to order
some alcoholic beverages.
MR. MCGEEKADORK
What's the secret password?
FRANK
(impersonates Anjelica)
The secret password? Uh oh yes
the secret password.
MR. MCGEEKADORK
You do know it don't you?
FRANK
(impersonates Anjelica)
Ha ha ha. Of course I know the
secret password, silly. After all
I am it's original author. The
secret password is Bertha was run
over by a tow truck.
MR. MCVANDERGRAFF
You got it right. You know
misses Bauer, it's always a
pleasure doing business with a
woman as lovely as yourself.
FRANK
(impersonates Anjelica)
Ha ha ha ha ha. Why, mister
McVandergraff you flatter me.
SUPER: "TRANSLATION: MY HUSBAND BETTER NOT CATCH YOU
HITTIN' ON ME."
FRANK
(impersonates Anjelica)
It would be most unfortunate if my
husband were to chance upon you
spouting such intensely
provocative romantic sentiments
in the direction of his lovingly
and faithfully betrothed. Uh
yes, I require twelve cases...
Darnell INTERRUPTS Frank.
SUPER: TRANSLATION: "HIS HUSBAND BETTER NOT CATCH..."
DARNELL
(impersonates Anjelica)
It would be most unfortunate if
his husband were to chance upon...
FRANK
(covers receiver with hand)
Get lost wastebasket face.
DARNELL
I like you better as Anjelica.
SUPER: "A HALF HOUR LATER."
KEVIN
Okay, now that we have the liquor,
we have to get the food. Are you
ready to go shoplifting uh ihm uhm
I mean shopping?
FRANK
Yeah, but who's going shoplifting
uh ih uhm I mean who's going
shopping with me?
MARK
I went shoplifting uh ih uhm I
mean I went shopping last time.
ALAN
Why don't you go Kevin?
KEVIN
Is you conscious boy? They
wouldn't let me within three miles
of a store out here. Besides it's
your turn to go.
FRANK
You want Alan to go?
Frank grabs the phone and DIALS
KEVIN
Who are you calling?
FRANK
The police. So they can come over
here and arrest us. That way they
can save everybody a lot of
trouble.
Kevin SNATCHES the receiver from Frank and HANGS UP.
KEVIN
Give me that you athletic supporter.
I know Alan only has a couple of
brain cells to rub together but he's
coherent enough to pull off this job.
ALAN
Thanks Kevin. And I won't goof up.
FRANK
Well grab those two brain cells and
follow me.
EXT. FRONT OF SUPERMARKET – DAY
Frank wears a leather trench coat and drinks a can of soda.
Alan DROPS a bus token in the soda machine over and over.
FRANK
What's the problem?
ALAN
This soda machine won't take
bus tokens.
FRANK
You're pullin' my leg.
ALAN
For real. I drop the bus token in
the machine and it keeps popping
out. No soda, just a bus token.
Frank CROSSES his eyes, SHAKES his head and brings the tip
of his index finger to his chin. All in one motion.
FRANK
Hhmm that's funny. But this soda
machine used to take bus tokens.
Do you think it's out of order?
ALAN
(laughs)
That's a joke, right?
Frank RAISES his can of soda, Alan TAKES OFF and Frank
THROWS the can of soda at him.
FRANK
No. you're a joke. Let's start
shoplifting uh ih uhm I mean
let's start shopping, you igit.
INT. SUPERMARKET AISLE – DAY
Alan and Frank shoplift. Alan holds a big bag of chips.
FRANK
Just what do you plan to do with
that, Einstein?
ALAN
I'm gonna haul it out of the
store, dummy.
FRANK
And how do you plan to do that?
ALAN
I'll stuff it down my pants leg.
FRANK
That should attract the ladies.
Put it back.
ALAN
No. We need these chips to go
go with the cheeseburgers.
FRANK
I said put it back cement block
head.
An ELDERLY COUPLE stand nearby.
ELDERLY WOMAN
Look dear, they're having a
lover's quarrel. How cute.
Frank gives the elderly woman a dirty look.
FRANK
You can try to haul that thing
out of here if you want to. But
don't you come anywhere near me.
I'm out of here.
ALAN
And take that funky smell with
you. I know how to shoplift uh
ih uhm I mean...shop.
INT. CHECKOUT STAND – DAY
Alan is detained by SECURITY AND Frank starts to LEAVE.
SECURITY 1
(to Alan)
I'm afraid you'll have to come
with us.
ALAN
Huh?
FRANK
(to cashier)
How silly of me. I left my wallet
outside in my car. I'll be back
in a jiffy.
SECURITY 1
(to Alan)
You're under arrest for shop
lifting.
ALAN
(points at Frank)
Well, he's the mastermind.
SECURITY 2 APPROACHES Frank.
SECURITY 2
Do you mind if I search you for
merchandise?
FRANK
Hell yeah I mind. Do you mind if
I search you for donuts?
Frank RUNS to the
FRONT DOOR
Groceries FLY out of his pocket-lined trench coat.
SECURITY 1
(calls out)
Security, stop that thief.
Two security guards BLOCK the front doors. Frank CRASHES
through them. He RUNS while groceries FLY out of his coat.
Alan sees his chance for escape and RUNS the other way.
INT. THE HIDE OUT BAR – DAY
The few groceries Alan and Frank managed to steal are laid
out on top of the bar. The gang looks them over.
KEVIN
Let's see. We got a pound of
ground beef, a pack of hot dog
buns, plastic knives and spoons,
and crushed potato chips. Yep,
this should be enough for a party.
DARNELL
Yep. We can feed this crowd and
have enough left over for big Wanda
and Betty the bulldozer.
KEVIN
looks like we'll have to pay for
the food.
DARNELL
Are you on drugs fool? And if
you are, can I have some?
INT. THE HIDE OUT STAGE – DAY
The band performs a ROCK SONG. The record executive is
impressed. The crowd SCREAMS for more.
INT. THE HIDE OUT OFFICE – DAY
Contracts are laid on the desk. The record exec. and the
band look them over. The record exec. HANDS Fran a pen.
RECORD EXEC.
Sign on the dotted line.
FRANK
You got that right. Ooh we're
in business now.
Frank and the gang sign the contracts, then they APPLAUD.
MONTAGE – FRANKIE AND THAT BUNCH OF UNWASHED HOODLUMS
BECOME STARS
--Champagne – Flows.
--Music charts – Number one song.
--Limousine – Frank STEPS OUT and is MOBBED by fans.
--Concert – the band PERFORMS and the crowd GOES WILD.
--Drugs – Alan and Frank SNORT cocaine.
END MONTAGE
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
PAULETTE
Frankie, I want a divorce.
FRANK
A divorce. What have you been
snortin' on?
PAULETTE
I can't take it anymore. The
hectic life, the groupies, the
drugs and...
FRANK
But I was in love with drugs
before I was in love with you.
PAULETTE
Look, you can keep the stock in
the company, I just want out of
this marriage.
Frank CUDDLES UP to Paulette.
FRANK
But baby, you know how much I
love you. You mean everything
to me.
PAULETTE
Then you have to make a choice.
What's it gonna be, drugs or me?
Frank slowly LETS GO of Paulette, GRABS his guitar case and
WALKS out of the room. Paulette fights back a tear.
INT. THE HIDE OUT – DAY
The gang throws a big party.
KEVIN
We hit number one again.
The gang APPLAUDS. Darnell has difficulty popping a bottle
of champagne.
FRANK
Hurry up and pop the champagne.
DARNELL
I know how to pop the champagne,
youngster. Lookin' like a member
of the lollipop guild. All that
dirt on the back of your neck.
And you a filthy little mutha too.
Suck some blood? Is you some kind
of freak boy? A ugly freak.
FRANK
Stuff a sock in it Dracula Junior.
Darnell POPS the cork on the champagne and it FLOWS. Mark
WALKS UP and HANDS Frank a twenty dollar bill.
MARK
I got a pet lover for you. He thinks
his dog is GOD's gift to mankind.
FRANK
I'll remedy that situation.
A demented looking Frank and Mark APPROACH PET LOVER.
FRANK
So you think your dog is the cat's
meow, aaaay?
PET LOVER
Oh yes. Fluffy is my best friend
and closest companion.
FRANK
I got bad news for you. Your dog
Fluffy doesn't really like you.
PET LOVER
(upset)
How can you say such a thing?
Fluffy adores me. I can tell by the
way she cuddles up to me and licks
my face. Now if that isn't true
love, I don't know what is.
FRANK
It's all an act to get you to feed
him. I bet you if you stopped
feeding him your precious Fluffy
would turn on you like a bobcat.
And if he knew how to talk, I bet
you he would talk behind your back.
Pet lover STUMBLES away lookin' lost. Frank and Mark
LAUGH.
MARK
You are the man.
FRANK
(drools)
Got any other victims?
MARK
Wipe your chin.
INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE – DAY
Pet love lays on the couch in shock.
PET LOVER
Doctor, I don't think my dog likes
me.
INT. ANJELICA'S MANSION – DAY
Anjelica SIGNALS to Danny to huddle up.
SUPER: "TRANSLATION: I SMELL A RAT."
ANJELICA
Premonitions of a most dastardly
development in tandem with the
preconceived assumption of guilt on
the part of my heretofore trusted
but now estranged underling propel
me to expedite pertinent measures
towards the dispersal of the
traitorous perpetrator at the risk
of being inflammatorily rash. To
say the least.
DANNY
You said a mouthful.
Anjelica and Danny WALK to
THE LIBRARY
They spy on Doreen who TALKS on the phone.
DOREEN
Ooh Frankie, Anjelica's got some
serious dirt planned for yo' ass.
And it ain't nothin' nice. You
better watch yo' back. I don't
know all the details yet, but I...
DANNY(OS)
We can give you all the details
you want.
Doreen goes into shock.
DOREEN
It's kiss my ass goodbye time.
EXT. ANJELICA'S MANSION – DAY
DANNY(VO)
Sick 'em.
Doreen ROCKETS out the front door with armloads of liquor
bottles.
She is CHASED by a pack of BARKING DOGS that include a pit
bull, rottweiler, doberman german shepherd, collie, cocker
spaniel and a chihuahua.
DOREEN
(hysterical)
Heeeeeeeeeelp.
Doreen THROW the bottles of liquor into the open passenger
side window of her car, RACES to the driver side door, HOPS
in and PEELS OUT. She LEAVES a trail of smoke.
The Chihuahua BARKS. The other dogs stop barking and WALK
back to Danny and Anjelica who stand in the front yard
EXT. TELEPHONE BOOTH – DAY
Doreen is on the phone.
DOREEN
(cries)
Frankie, I got the boo hoo hoo hoo
hoooooooooot.
INT. BACKSTAGE AT A CONCERT – NIGHT
The gang tries to sober up a drunk Frank. He hallucinates
and FREAKS OUT. He SLAPS imaginary bugs off of his body.
FRANK
Whoa momma they're all over me.
The gang watches in shock. Frank GRABS his guitar case,
OPENS it, GRABS a gun and SHOOTS at the imaginary bugs.
FRANK
(hysterical)
They're not afraid of bullets.
DARNELL
They must be from the ghetto.
ALAN
Or Mississippi.
Kevin and Mark GRAB Frank and WRESTLE him to the ground.
He calms down.
FRANK
The pink and purple honey bees
were out to jack me.
KEVIN
They weren't real. You
imagined them, fool.
FRANK
I did? Well let me get back to
my nap. Hit the light.
Frank lies down on a couch and goes back to sleep. Kevin
wakes him up.
MARK
Wake up, we have a show to put on.
Next time I'm taking up skydiving.
The band performs a ROCK SONG. Doreen, now a member of the
band, SINGS back up.
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT – DAY
Frank is seated at a table. VALESKA HAYWARD JOINS him.
VALESKA
The name is Valeska Hayward. But
you can call me Val. I'll be
writing your biography. So why
don't we start from the beginning?
FRANK
Well let's see. The name is
Charles Frank Reed. I was born in
L.A. My stepdad beat up on me for
recreation so I ran away from home
at thirteen and lived on the
streets of Hollywood where I got
hooked on drugs. Then I was
drafted into Vietnam which really
made me crazy. Came back to L.A.,
became a rock star and now my
career's going down the toilet.
VALESKA
That pretty much sums it all up.
Now let's discuss the sequel.
INT. FANCY NIGHT CLUB – NIGHT
There's a big party. Frank and Valeska make a glamorous
ENTRANCE. WENDY COLEMAN notices them. Kevin HUDDLES up
with Mark.
KEVIN
This party is boring.
MARK
Yeah. There haven't been any
fights, break ups or explosions.
Got any bright ideas?
KEVIN
I know. Follow me.
Kevin and Mark grin deviously and APPROACH Frank and Val.
KEVIN
Frank, Wendy Coleman is telling
everybody how ugly you are.
FRANK
Who is that big ol' bowlegged,
ugly man looking woman callin'
ugly? And where is she anyway?
MARK
Over there cackling with her
conniving hens.
FRANK
Who's that football player you
guys say she looks like, the one
who plays for u-c-l-a.?
KEVIN
Bruce Halstead.
FRANK
That's it. Looks like I'll have
to tell Bruce a thing or three.
Frank MARCHES toward WENDY COLEMAN ready for battle. Kevin
and Mark SNICKER to themselves and FOLLOW Frank.
FRANK
(calls out)
Bruce. Hey Bruceski ol' buddy
ol' pal.
(confronts Wendy)
Pardon me Bruce, but would you
still like to use my aftershave?
WENDY
Sure I'll use your aftershave,
since you'll never have any use
for it.
FRANK
Why you backwoods, potbellied,
red neck sheriff's deputy.
WENDY
Burn in hell you Barbie doll
thief.
FRANK
It's better than being a bloated
bag of trash, you bloated bag of
trash.
WENDY
Snail slime.
FRANK
Three hundred horsepower mouth.
WENDY
Sissy la la.
FRANK
Cockeyed barfly.
WENDY
Mama's boy.
FRANK
Fart face.
WENDY
Roto rooter breath.
Wendy and Frank stare at each other and PANT. Frank GRABS
her and they KISS. They stop and PANT.
FRANK
Your place or the alley?
WENDY
The parking lot is closer.
Wendy and Frank RACE out of the club. Mark and Kevin look
at each other in shock. Valeska gets angry. Doreen RACES
to Connie and Priscilla.
DOREEN
Frank's gettin' his freak on
with Wendy.
CONNIE
(stunned)
Wendy the amazon supergroupie?
PRISCILLA
Shut yo' mouth and keep on talkin'
girlfriend.
DOREEN
Honey, they outside burnin' down
the parking lot.
PRISCILLA
Oooooh. I sure hope Frank knows
who he's gettin' into.
INT. WENDY'S BEDROOM – DAY
Wendy and Frank CUDDLE up in bed.
WENDY
Do it again, Knuckles.
FRANK
Ah ah ah, the hair baby. Handle
the hair with care.
WENDY
Why don't you order us a pizza?
I'm gonna take a shower.
Frank GRABS the phone, Wendy JUMPS out of bed and GRABS her
purse. She PULLS OUT a fifty and HANDS it to Frank.
FRANK
Will fifty be enough?
Frank gets a strange look on his face.
FRANK
Uh, uh just what did you want on
this pizza?
WENDY
Cheese and pepperoni.
FRANK
Well I want mushrooms and sausage.
Why don't you give me a hundred
just to be on the safe side?
Wendy HANDS Frank the money. She LEAVES. Frank GRINS.
INT. SHOPPING MALL – DAY
Wendy and Frank STROLL through the mall with bags.
FRANK
Thanks for all this nice stuff.
I really like this Rolex.
WENDY
Gotta make sure my man looks good.
Wendy and Frank WALK by a Santa Claus.
SANTA CLAUS
Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas.
Wendy SLAPS Santa Claus. He CRASHES into a Christmas tree.
WENDY
How can he call me that? He
doesn't even know me.
FRANK
He didn't mean it like that.
Let's hurry up and get out of
here before he calls out his
reindeer.
WENDY
I'm hungry. I'll get us some
pizza at that stand over there.
Wendy WALKS towards the pizza stand. Frank STOPS her.
FRANK
No no no, let me get it. Just
give me a fifty since were only
getting a couple of slices.
Frank TAKES the money and WALKS towards the pizza stand
with a giant grin plastered across his head.
INT. VALESKA'S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Val interviews Frank. A tape recorder sits on the coffee
table. She holds a notepad.
VALESKA
So how was life on the streets
of Hollywood?
FRANK
Pretty wild. We used to bust
heads, steal cars and do drugs.
All in good fun of course.
Val PUTS DOWN her notepad, STANDS UP and PACES.
VALESKA
Frank, I have something to
confess. I only took this book
assignment because I love you.
I've been in love with you for
years.
FRANK
Doesn't surprise me. I usually
have that effect on women.
Frank STANDS, WALKS over to Val and HOLDS her in his arms.
FRANK
Well you're in luck, baby. I
happen to be full of love.
Why don't we hop in bed and I'll
show you my dark side?
VALESKA
I can think of something else
you're full of. I might be in
love with you, but I'm not cheap.
Val BREAKS FREE from Frank's embrace.
FRANK
Okay, so you're expensive. I'm
a star I got cash.
Frank gets affectionate with Val. She PUSHES him away.
VALESKA
Will you knock it off, Johnny
hormone?
FRANK
Put that book stuff away madam
thinkalot and let's give the
old bed springs a workout.
VALESKA
No. Go take a bath.
Frank WALKS towards the door a bit angry.
FRANK
I'm blowing this boring scene.
I'm going where the action is.
INT. WENDY'S LIVING ROOM – DAY
The living room is full of cardboard boxes. Wendy sits on
the couch and PACKS dishes into a box. Frank WALKS in.
FRANK
Wendy, daddy's home.
WENDY
Hhmm that's funny. I always
thought your home was
underneath a rock somewhere.
FRANK
You know, that sounds real smart
coming from a broad who has a
couch growing out of her ass.
Wendy LAUGHS. Frank SITS on the couch with her.
FRANK
So what's for din din chef
Boyardee?
WENDY
Oh I don't know. What would the
man of the house like?
FRANK
Tacos sound good.
WENDY
Well, everything you need to make
tacos is at your local
supermarket, Betty Crocker.
FRANK
Let me guess. You said that
because you're a bitch, right?
WENDY
Who are you calling a bitch,
punk bitch?
FRANK
I just asked a simple question
you simpleminded tropical trollop.
Frank WHISTLES and tries to look inconspicuous. Wendy
STANDS UP over Frank.
WENDY
You think you're real tough
don't you?
Frank STANDS UP and faces Wendy.
FRANK
I sure as hell don't have a
marshmallow center.
WENDY
Prove it, candy ass.
Wendy GRABS a c-d player off the end table.
WENDY
What would happen if I was to
break this c-d player of yours?
FRANK
Nothin' would change. You
still wouldn't have any sex
appeal.
Wendy THROWS the c-d player onto the floor and it BREAKS.
FRANK
Is that the best you can do?
You're an amateur. Watch how a
pro does it.
Frank GRABS a clock out of a nearby box.
FRANK
Is this your overpriced Elvis
Presley wall clock?
Wendy looks worried.
FRANK
You know, I've always admired
this kind of junk. The fine
craftsmanship and the oooops.
Frank THROWS the clock down and it CRASHES to the floor.
WENDY
You deliberately broke my clock,
you crater faced sea serpent.
FRANK
What are you pickin' on me for?
I said oops.
WENDY
So you wanna get funky, aaay
Bootsy?
Wendy PULLS Frank's watch off his wrist, BACKS UP and holds
it behind her back.
WENDY
Nice Rolex.
Frank looks at Wendy anxiously. He DIVES at her, she
THROWS the watch to the floor and STOMPS on it.
FRANK
(shouts)
Don't you break that you baboon.
Frank and Wendy stare each other down. Frank looks around,
notices a nearby vase and GRABS it. Wendy tries to TAKE it
but he HOLDS her at arms length.
FRANK
Ah ah ah. Back off Bruce.
Wendy stands back. She has a worried look on her face.
FRANK
(grins)
I wonder if this expensive vase of
yours is as fragile as the experts
say it is. One way to find out is
give it the old altitude test.
Frank THROWS the vase in the air, Wendy LUNGES for it and
Frank GRABS her. The vase CRASHES to the floor. Frank
POKES OUT his bottom lip and goes bug-eyed.
FRANK
(amazed)
Why, it is fragile. Just like
the experts said it was. Yes
indeedy, extremely fragile I
must say.
Wendy GRABS Frank's guitar that stands nearby and SLAMS it
into the floor until it BREAKS UP. Then she TOSSES it at
his feet.
WENDY
Let's see you pump up the volume
with that mister big ol' rock star.
FRANK
You're a very sick woman you, you,
you Budweiser Clydesdale.
WENDY
That's fine with me as long as you
realize I'm one tough customer.
Wendy PICKS UP a box of dishes and WALKS towards the
kitchen. Frank RUSHES up to her.
FRANK
Allow me to assist the lady with
that box of fine china.
WENDY
I don't need any help you meat
by product.
Frank WRESTLES with Wendy for the box of dishes.
FRANK
Oh, but I insist. As a gentleman
it's the least I can do to ooops.
Frank PUSHES the box of dishes out of Wendy's arms and they
CRASH to the floor. Frank DUSTS OFF his hands.
FRANK
(grins)
Anything else, hon'?
WENDY
Just for that, you don't get any
drugs.
FRANK
(shocked)
What?
Wendy holds a pill in her fingers.
WENDY
This is the last pill and you
can't have any because you smell
like a pair of sweaty old socks.
FRANK
You better share and share alike.
Wendy SWALLOWS the pill.
WENDY
Too late, I swallowed it.
Frank GRABS Wendy and gives her the HEIMLICH MANEUVER.
FRANK
Well you're just gonna have to
unswallow it. Cough up that pill,
you loppy-eared camel jockey.
WENDY
Get your filthy tentacles off of
me you clumsy ape.
Wendy STRUGGLES to break free from Frank. A bag of dope
FALLS out of her clothes and onto the floor.
FRANK
I wondered what happened to the
drugs. You've been stashing them.
WENDY
That's right, and you can't have
any you hairy mouthed fruit loop.
FRANK
Bite me butt face.
Frank and Wendy DIVE at the bag of dope. Wendy GRABS it.
Frank tries to TAKE it from her. She ELBOWS him in the
groin. He GRABS his groin in pain and JUMPS up and down.
FRANK
(screams falsetto)
Ho ho ho ho ho.
WENDY
What did you call me?
Wendy TURNS around, SLAPS Frank and he FALLS on his back.
Wendy STASHES the bag of dope in her bosom and RUNS out of
the house. Frank holds his groin and CHASES her.
FRANK
I'm gonna grind your useless ass
to a fine powder and sprinkle it
over broken glass you ugly,
cock-eyed, dumpster divin', metal
munchin', space cadet.
EXT. WENDY'S HOME – DAY
Frank CHASES Wendy around the house.
FRANK
Gimme some dope. This is the
last time I shack up with a silly,
double-chinned, hoochie-slut.
Frank TRAPS Wendy at
A FENCE
She CLIMBS on the fence and GRABS the overhang of the roof.
Frank GRABS her foot.
FRANK
I got you now you wolfskunk.
WENDY
In your dreams you beat up, broke
down, turned around hula girl.
Wendy CLIMBS on
THE ROOF
Frank tries to PULL her down. She BACK KICKS him in the
chin. Frank CRASHES into the fence and FALLS on his face,
into a puddle of mud.
FRANK
O no. Om willy pissth gnaw.
Wendy STANDS on the roof, fires up a joint and POPS pills.
WENDY
Oh Frankie baby, I'm smokin' all
the dope and you can't have any.
FRANK
Say your prayers you bucktoothed,
rusty back, club foot, rocky
mountain goat.
Frank STOMPS around the house and into
THE GARAGE
He STOMPS out with a bag of golf clubs and THROWS them at
Wendy one at a time.
FRANK
I'm gonna hit a ho in one. Better
give me some dope before I clock
you with a nine iron.
Frank THROWS more golf clubs at Wendy. She DUCKS them,
PUFFS on her joint and POPS pills. He THROWS golf balls.
WENDY
You missed you loser. Ooh I'm
higher than the price of good gas.
FRANK
I'm gonna pull a rabbit out of your
ass and shove it down your throat
you bull-nosed, flat-headed man.
Frank GRABS a water hose and SPRAYS water at Wendy.
FRANK
How's about a little water. About
time you washed your ass, you flea
bitten, snot-nosed ghetto gargoyle.
Frank LOSES CONTROL of the water hose and is soaked.
WENDY
I recommend a good therapist you
pie faced hub cap thief.
Several police cars DRIVE UP, the OFFICERS JUMP out of the
cars and DRAW GUNS. Wendy THROWS her bag of dope away.
OFFICER 1
Police. Put your hands in the
air.
FRANK
Well I'll be an Egyptian gypsy.
WENDY
Officer arrest that nut case.
Frank and Wendy put their hands in the air. Officer 1
HANDCUFFS Frank and leads him to the police car.
FRANK
Why are you arresting me? She's
the one acting like white trash.
INT. THE HIDE OUT BAR – DAY
INSERT – THE NEWSPAPER
Frank's mug shots are on the front page of the "National
Blabbermouth." The headline reads:
"CRAZED ROCK STAR HOLDS INNOCENT
FEMALE FAN HOSTAGE ON ROOF."
BACK TO SCENE
Kevin holds the newspaper. Frank looks at it with him.
KEVIN
This is a good way to get you
peculiar looking puss prominently
plastered all over the front page
of the paper. You should leave
that broad alone.
FRANK
Where did they get those lousy
pictures of me? Look, the
lighting's all wrong and my hair.
(hysterical)
What have they done to my hair?
KEVIN
Will you get serious? Rumor has
it that Wendy is getting ready to
dump you.
FRANK
You're just making that up. Just
like you made up the story that
she called me ugly What, are
you jealous?
KEVIN
Get a grip bozo. Okay. If she's
not getting ready to dump you,
then how do I know what nickname
she calls you in bed?
FRANK
What nickname does she call me?
Alan APPEARS with a drink in his hand.
KEVIN
(laughs)
Haven't been able to rise to the
occasion lately, aaay Knuckles?
Frank EXPLODES. He PACES back and forth.
FRANK
I'll hang that discount floosie.
Mark APPEARS. He and Kevin GRAB Frank and try to RESTRAIN
him. Frank ROARS and BREAKS LOOSE.
FRANK
Aaaaaaaaaaaah.
MARK
He's blowin' a fuse. Make sure
he doesn't grab anything made of
glass.
Frank looks around, spots Alan's drink and GRABS it.
FRANK
Gimme that.
Frank SWALLOWS the drink, THROWS the glass at a wall and it
SHATTERS. He STOPS and takes DEEP BREATHS.
FRANK
I'm not gonna let that one-eyed,
pelican pie eatin', lactose
intolerant gorilla make me lose
my cool. I'll take deep breaths
and calm down, that's what I'll
do.
Alan takes DEEP BREATHS too. After Frank stops taking DEEP
BREATH, he looks at Alan and becomes annoyed.
FRANK
Will you knock it off?
Alan calms down. Frank STOMPS towards the door.
KEVIN
Where are you going?
FRANK
I'm going to find Wendy. And
when I get my hands on her I'm
gonna rip out every single hair
on her hunch back.
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT – DAY
Frank confronts Wendy. The gang CROWDS around.
FRANK
It's over baby, I'm dumping you.
So you can go back to peddling
your lumpy, methane gas spewin',
duffel bag hauling, fur-covered
carcass out on the interstate.
WENDY
You can't dump me. You better
take me back or you'll be sorry.
FRANK
Don't hold your breath,
windshield wiper fluid breath.
WENDY
Up yours twinkle toes. If you
don't take me back I'll make
trouble for that mousy little
girlfriend of yours. What's her
face, Val? I'm gonna give her a
run for her money.
FRANK
No you're not. If you go anywhere
near Val, I'll chase you out of
this town so fast your hair is
gonna catch fire.
WENDY
(frightened)
That's fast as hell.
EXT. PATIO OF ANJELICA'S MANSION – DAY
Anjelica, Danny and Claudius drink tea.
CLAUDIUS
Mother, I have splendid news.
Frank has sold both his cars for
drugs and is headed for skid row.
Hallelujahs are most certainly
in order.
DANNY
My sentiments exactly. He was
due for a comeuppance.
SUPER: "TRANSLATION: GET THOSE STOCKS."
ANJELICA
Prevailing circumstances prompt a
customarily ingenious tactic,
necessitating a shrewdly
orchestrated transfer of tangible,
albeit highly coveted financially
endowed portions to be resumed
forthcomingly by their, rightful,
indisputable, uncontested and
greatly deserving possessor of
evident title. In a manner of
speaking herewith.
DANNY
I couldn't have said it better
myself, mother.
INT. THE HIDE OUT OFFICE – DAY
Claudius and Danny sit on one side of the desk. Frank sits
on the other side.
FRANK
Is that your final offer?
DANNY
That's the best we can offer
under present circumstances.
Frank PULLS a gun out of the desk and AIMS it at Claudius
and Danny. Frank RUNS them out of the office and down
THE HALL
FRANK
Well I'd like to offer you this.
DANNY
(hysterical)
Help.
CLAUDIUS
(shouts)
I highly recommend running in
a zig zag pattern.
Claudius and Danny RUN zig zag so Frank can't shoot them.
FRANK
Be still, dammit. How do you
expect me to shoot you if you
run all crazy like that?
Kevin APPEARS. Frank SHOOTS the gun at Danny and Claudius
two times but misses his target. Danny and Claudius RUN
zig zag out of the club.
KEVIN
Let me guess, they suggested you
try a new hair stylist, aaaay?
FRANK
Those mental midgets tried to
buy back my stock in their
company.
KEVIN
And all you did was shoot at them?
Hhmph, if that had been me I would
have called out the black panthers.
FRANK
They offered to buy back my cougar
and camaro from mister big, plus
two hundred dollars and half a gram
of cocaine. So I offered to pump
'em full of lead.
Frank WALKS away.
KEVIN
One of these days I'm gonna have
a loooong talk with that boy.
EXT. BACKSTAGE AT A CONCERT – DAY
KEVIN
Val, you wanna see something sad?
VALESKA
Sure, why not.
Kevin LEADS Val to a door that opens to
THE STAGE
A half drunk Frank is at the microphone. He DRINKS from a
bottle of liquor.
FRANK
My old lady asked me what she
could do to make her self look
beautiful. I told her she should
bag her face. You know...as a
public service.
The audience BOOS. Frank LAUGHS and takes a SWIG from his
bottle.
FRANK
Okay okay calm down. Let me try
this one on you. Why did the
chicken only cross half the road?
(belch)
Because he got high.
Frank LAUGHS. The audience BOOS and THROWS beer bottles,
half eaten hamburgers and other trash at Frank. He DODGES
the trash.
FRANK
Why you miserable pack of buck
toothed ticket scalpers. Walmart
has Listerine on sale.
Frank THROWS his bottle of liquor and other trash at the
audience. He SLIPS and BUSTS his butt. GUN FIRE from the
audience RINGS OUT. The band RUNS for cover.
PRISCILLA
Honey they shootin'
DOREEN
(hysterical)
Run for cover, girl.
The audience calms down. Val WEEPS. Frank WALKS back to
the microphone.
FRANK
You poot butt morons wouldn't
know a funny joke if it threw
hot grease on you.
The audience LAUGHS. Frank rolls his eyes.
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT – DAY
Frank and Kevin sit at a table.
KEVIN
It's not easy for me to tell you
this but Frank, you're fired.
FRANK
You can't fire me. I'm the
brains of this operation.
KEVIN
Not anymore. The label put me in
charge. I'm sorry but I can't
let you take everybody down with
you.
FRANK
(tearful)
But you know how much this band
means to me. I've given all I
have to make this band a success.
KEVIN
You clean up your act and then we
can talk about success.
Frank WALKS away in tears.
MONTAGE – FRANKIE IS KICKED OUT OF THE BAND.
--Twyla, Beeotch and Danny LAUGH.
--Wendy LAUGHS.
--Tina LAUGHS.
--Matt LAUGHS.
--Claudius and Anjelica LAUGH and POUR champagne.
END MONTAGE
INT. FRANKS APARTMENT – DAY
The apartment is a mess. A hung over Frank FUMBLES through
a liquor cabinet full of empty bottles. He PULLS OUT his
empty pockets. He DUMPS OUT his wallet. No money.
FRANK
Dammit, I need a drink. I'm
blowing dust bubbles. And my
throat is parched.
Frank STUMBLES to the telephone that sits on the end table.
He grabs the phone and SITS on the couch. He DIALS.
INTERCUT TELEPHONE CONVERSATION – FRANK AND MISTER
MCGEEKADORK.
FRANK
(impersonates Anjelica)
Uh hello, this is Anjelica Bauer
speaking, and I would like to
order some alcoholic beverages.
MR. MCGEEKADORK
Knock off the phony routine. You
ever hear of a job, you bum?
SUPER: "TRANSLATION: I'M THE REAL ANJELICA BAUER."
FRANK
(impersonates Anjelica)
Ha ha ha. I must commend you on a
job well done. It is readily
apparent that those imposters are
going to face an insurmountable
degree of difficulty convincing
you of their authenticity. But
I'm afraid you suspicions are
unwarranted in this particular
instance. Because I am
undoubtedly, indisputably and
beyond a shadow of doubt the
singular one and only Anjelica
Bauer...uh, speaking.
TELEPHONE(VO)
Click.
END TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
Frank DIALS again.
INTERCUT TELEPHONE CONVERSATION – FRANK AND WENDY.
FRANK
(grins)
Hey Wendy, you feel like pizza
...and a roll in the hay?
WENDY
Suck an egg you dizzy prom queen.
END TELEPHONE CONVERSATION.
Frank HANGS UP the phone and FEELS something beneath him in
the couch. He PULLS OUT a bottle of liquor.
FRANK
Great horny toads.
Frank STUMBLES to
THE KITCHEN
He GRABS a glass. He POURS the drink and WALKS back to
THE LIVING ROOM
He TRIPS over the table. The drink FLIES out of his hand.
FRANK
Holy socks.
The drink SPILLS. Frank FALLS to his knees and WEEPS.
DOOR(VO)
Knock knock knock.
FRANK
Go away. I'm hosting a beauty
pageant.
DOOR(VO)
It's your landlord.
FRANK
Those damned landlords again.
Frank STANDS UP and WALKS to
THE FRONT DOOR
He OPENS it. His LANDLORD is there.
LANDLORD
I'm here for the rent.
FRANK
I don't have it. Uh, uh the dog
ate my paycheck.
LANDLORD
You better pay up or it's out on
your ass buddy.
FRANK
Oh please don't say that because
I have sensitive ears. And it
would just kill me to have to
move out of this palace. Whose
luxurious appointments include
leaky faucets, paper thin walls
and your very own army of
fighting cockroaches.
LANDLORD
If you don't like it take a hike.
I'm sure the cockroaches won't
miss you. Are you gonna pay up?
FRANK
I'll pay up...Tomorrow.
Frank SLAMS the door in the Landlord's face.
FRANK
Where can I steal some cash?
Frank plasters a giant grin across his face.
EXT. BUSY BOULEVARD – DAY
Frank RIDES a bike on a hot summer day. He wears his black
leather trench coat. He sweats, PANTS and WIPES his brow.
INT. SUPERMARKET CHECK-OUT STAND – DAY
Frank WALKS up to the CASHIER and POINTS a gun at her.
FRANK
Reach for the stars.
CASHIER
Is this a hold up?
FRANK
No. It's a rehearsal for
Hawaii five-o and that's your
cue to give me all the money in
the cash register.
CASHIER
Hey, you're Frank Reed. The
former lead singer of Frankie and
that bunch of unwashed hoodlums.
FRANK
Thanks for clearing that up for
me because I woke up thinking I
was Kool and the Gang.
CASHIER
May I have your autograph?
FRANK
Lady I don't have time for that.
Just cough up the cash, see.
CASHIER
Oh please? I don't believe that
junk they write about you in the
papers. I think you're just
misunderstood.
FRANK
Anything for a fan. You got a
pen and paper? Here hold this.
The cashier ROLLS UP paper from the register, RIPS the
paper away and HANDS it to Frank. He HANDS her the gun.
FRANK
Who do I make it out to?
CASHIER
Julia Roseblossom. My agent
came up with that one. Says it
has production value.
FRANK
(mumbles)
Best wishes to Julia Roseblossom.
Frank SIGNS the paper and HANDS it back to the cashier. He
TAKES the gun from her and POINTS it back at her.
FRANK
Show me your armpits.
CASHIER
Help police. I'm being robbed.
FRANK
Well I'll be a rusty bumper jack.
Two police in UNIFORM WALK through the entrance of the
store, DRAW their guns and APPROACH Frank who RUNS down an
AISLE
UNIFORM 1
Police. Freeze.
FRANK
(mutters)
I should have knocked over that
dry cleaner instead of this dump.
Frank THROWS the gun into the pinto bean pile and uses the
scoop to COVER the gun with beans. He HIGHJACKS a loaded
shopping cart from a fat guy and BUMPS him out of the way.
FRANK
Out of the way, heavy. Shouldn't
you be hangin' out with Jenny
Craig?
Frank RACES with the shopping cart. He STOPS and puts a
nylon stocking over his head. He tries to hide among the
other shoppers. The police follow in hot pursuit.
FRANK
I'd give anything to be in New
Jersey right about now.
UNIFORM 2
Police. Come out with your hands
up.
Frank sees the police at one end of the aisle. So he TURNS
the shopping cart around and RUNS the other way. He MOVES
next to a lady shopper and GRABS two jars off a shelf.
FRANK
So which would you recommend,
skippy or jif?
Frank TURNS
A CORNER
The police APPROACH him so Frank SHOVES the shopping cart
into a stacked canned goods display.
FRANK
You break it you buy it.
Frank RACES into
THE MEAT LOCKER
He STUMBLES through a jungle of sides of beef that hang
from hooks. He gets KNOCKED AROUND "I Love Lucy" style.
EXT./INT. BACK DOOR OF SUPERMARKET – DAY
Frank TUMBLES through the door. He UNTANGLES himself from
some sausage links and THROWS AWAY a raw chicken.
EXT. BUSY BOULEVARD – DAY
Frank RIDES his bike. He sweats, PANTS and WIPES his brow.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
Frank LOADS UP on clothes.
INT. DRESSING ROOM – DAY
Frank PUTS ON layer after layer of clothes, until he's as
stiff as a board.
FRANK
I wonder...does this make me look
fat?
INT. CHECKOUT STAND – DAY
Frank WALKS like Frankenstein because of all the clothes he
has on. Frightened customers SCREAM, GRAB their kids and
RUN from him. He walks past a SALES CLERK on his way out.
SELLS CLERK
Sir, why are you so stiff?
FRANK
Viagra.
EXT. FRONT OF DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
Frank STRUGGLES to get on his bike, SITS DOWN and hears a
LOUD RIP.
FRANK
I ate a little too much fiber.
Frank RIDES a few inches then FALLS on his side like Arte
Jonhson on the tricycle on the '60's t.v. show Laugh-In.
INT. RUNDOWN APARTMENT – DAY
Frank holds all the clothes he stole. He APPROACHES a DOPE
DEALER who is surrounded by a few of his friends. The DOPE
DEALER PUFFS on a cigar.
FRANK
I got the clothes you wanted.
DOPE DEALER
I don't want 'em now. Give 'em
to goodwill and join a harem.
FRANK
After all the hell I been through
you better take these clothes or
you ass is toast.
DOPE DEALER
Ooooh I'm shaking in my ballet
slippers. Hey fellas, the dope
fiend is making threats. Do a
quick tap dance and maybe I'll
sell you some dope, dopefiend.
Frank BEATS the dope dealer to a pulp, TAKES his wallet,
his bag of dope and his cigar. Frank PUFFS on the cigar.
FRANK
Well fellas, looks like I'm open
for business.
INT. FRANK'S APARTMENT – DAY
Frank PUFFS on a joint and DRINKS. The doorbell RINGS.
FRANK
Go away. I got the boils.
ALAN(OS)
It's me, Alan.
FRANK
Come in. Everything else has
gone wrong.
Alan WALKS IN. He TAKES the joint from Frank, PUFFS it and
SITS DOWN on the couch with Frank.
ALAN
You look like a bad case of death.
FRANK
So kind of you to notice. And
since when did you become such a
great judge of beauty, Sasquatch?
Alan LEAVES the room. The phone RINGS. Frank answers it.
FRANK
Hello. Pay my gas bill? But
I paid you guys last month.
Alan WALKS in, POPS the top on his beer and SITS on the
couch next to Frank.
FRANK
I'm supposed to pay my bill once
a month? Well who came up with
that idea? I'll have your money.
Frank SLAMS the phone down but fails to hang it up.
FRANK
I can't stand bill collectors.
Somebody should cover them all
with chocolate and shove 'em into
a weight watchers meeting.
ALAN
Or ship 'em to Mississippi.
The phone makes a HONKING SOUND because it's off the hook.
FRANK
(anxious)
Do you hear that noise?
ALAN
What noise?
FRANK
It sounds like somebody blowing
a horn.
Alan RACES into the closet. He peeks out of it fearfully.
Frank WALKS toward him but he panics and looks around him
fearfully. He takes a few STEPS, panics and looks around.
INSERT – TELEPHONE OFF THE HOOK
BACK TO SCENE
Frank notices the phone. He PUTS the receiver on the hook.
FRANK
It was nothin'. Just the
telephone. You can come out of
the closet now.
Alan fearfully WALKS out of the closet and joins Frank.
FRANK
So what happened with you and the
band.
ALAN
I got fired. Anjelica took over
the band and now Matt's the
lead singer.
Frank STAND UP.
FRANK
(furious)
Matt's the lead singer? Oh no.
All hell is gonna break loose.
The only way Matt is gonna
replace me is over my dead
body.
Frank COLLAPSES from an overdose.
MONTAGE – FRANK HAS AN OVERDOSE
--Newspaper – Headline reads: "ROCK STAR O.D.'S"
--Paramedics – RACE through the streets. Siren SCREAMS.
--Frank – WHEELED into hospital on a gurney.
END MONTAGE.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Frank lays unconscious in bed. Val WEEPS by his side.
VALESKA
I told you to slow down.
FRANK wakes up.
FRANK
Hey, this doesn't look like
Penelope's pleasure palace.
VALESKA
Frank, you're alright.
FRANK
You bet I am. Out of the way, I
have to save the band.
EXT. FOOTBALL STADIUM – DAY
"MATT AND THAT BUNCH OF UNWASHED HOODLUMS" are at the
bottom of the marquee.
INT. BACKSTAGE – DAY
Frank and Matt spot each other and prepare for battle.
FRANK
I'm gonna scramble your eggs, pal.
MATT
You and what cookin' class?
Frank and Matt THROW PUNCHES. Frank gets the best of him.
A CROWD gathers.
FRANK
This is a token of my admiration.
Frank SWINGS and misses. Matt PUNCHES Frank in the gut and
KNOCKS the wind out of him.
MATT
I never did like tokens.
Frank recovers and gets the upper hand. Anjelica and Wendy
show up.
SUPER: "TRANSLATION: KICK HIS ASS."
ANJELICA
(shouts)
A display of maximum physical
exertion, concentrated in the
lower regions of the extended
forelimbs, when activated, will
result in the equilateral, though
some would say frantic
distribution of fleshly matter in
the cranial region.
Frank SWINGS at Matt and misses.
MATT
Is that all you got?
Frank comes back with several PUNCHES to Matt's chin. Matt
is dazed.
FRANK
I see you've developed a taste
for fist.
Val SHOWS UP. Officers of THE LAW SHOW UP. Anjelica
WHISPERS in Wendy's ear. Wendy PULLS OUT a gun.
WENDY
Matt, catch.
Wendy SLIDES the gun. Matt GRABS it, aims at Frank and
FIRES. He misses.
WENDY
Hhmmph. Nobody dumps me.
THE LAW PULL out their guns.
THE LAW 1
This is an officer of the law.
Put down the gun.
The law and Frank CLOSE IN on Matt. He GRABS Val, COVERS
her mouth with his hand and puts the gun to her head. Matt
SHOOTS at the law and missed.
MATT
Come any closer and it's lights
out for Barbie.
FRANK freezes. He looks worried. The law move in closer.
MATT
(smiles)
Hey Frank, I took your band away
from you and now I got your bimbo.
Val BITES Matt's hand and turns into a demon.
VALESKA
(roars)
Nobody calls me a bimbo.
Val karate FLIPS Matt and BEATS his hand that holds the gun
into the ground until Matt lets go. She KICKS the gun
away. The law GRABS it.
Frank HOLDS Val in his arms. Wendy RUNS away. She's
CAPTURED by THE LAW 2 and 3.
THE LAW 2
Stepping out somewhere?
WENDY
Uh, I left my car headlights on.
I'll just be a minute.
THE LAW 3
Where you're going, you won't
need a car.
The law 3 HANDCUFFS Wendy and leads her away.
WENDY
You cheap coppers. You smell like
solid waste.
the law 1 RUNS onto
THE STAGE
Matt BUMPS into some of the musical equipment, RUNS to the
front of the stage and DIVES into the
SCREAMING AUDIENCE.
KEVIN
If you didn't like my playing, why
didn't you just say so?
The law 1 POINTS his gun towards the sky and JUMPS into the
audience. He FOLLOWS matt who is PASSED over the top of
the CROWD.
THE LAW 4 waits patiently as Matt is PASSED in his
direction.
THE LAW 4
This is better than overnight
express.
EXT. STADIUM PARKING LOT – DAY
Several police cars are parked. Wendy sits in the backseat
of one. A handcuffed Matt is ESCORTED by the law 1 and 4
into one of the cars.
MATT
I hope you choke on a jelly donut
you dirty pigs.
THE LAW 1
Tell that to Bubba and Butch.
They're expecting you.
MATT
Shove it, Sgt. Pork Rind.
A handcuffed Anjelica is ESCORTED to a car by the law 2.
SUPER: "TRANSLATION: NAME YOUR PRICE."
ANJELICA
Contributions of a fiscal and
uncommonly commercial nature could
effortlessly present themselves in
a manner that defies the act of
withholding, such as that which
under normal circumstances would
present a perilous challenge to the
hearty soul that seeketh selfsame
reward without the express and
wholeheartedly abrupt surrendered
permission on the part of the
dividendually entitled.
Anjelica GETS IN the car. The law 2 SHUTS the door.
THE LAW 2
Uh, could you repeat that?
INT. BACKSTAGE – DAY
Frank HOLDS Val in his arms.
FRANK
I have a show to put on. Be
right back.
EXT. THE STAGE – DAY
The crowd ROARS. The band puts on a lightning hot show.
EXT. THE STAGE – DAY
Frank starts to WALK off the stage. Kevin STOPS him.
KEVIN
Where are you going? The audience
loves you.
FRANK
I'm goin' to get my woman.
INT. BACKSTAGE – DAY
Frank and Val KISS.
FRANK
(smiles)
Are you ready.
Val smiles.
INT. WEDDING CHAPEL – DAY
MINISTER
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Frank and Val KISS. The crowd APPLAUDS. Frank and Val
STROLL glamorously down the aisle. The gang STROLLS with
them.
FRANK
I'm gonna do it right this time.
KEVIN
Not too much I hope. After all,
you wouldn't want to ruin your
bad reputation.
FRANK
I'll make a note of that.
A NEW REPORTER puts a microphone in Frank's face.
NEWS REPORTER
When people described the beatles,
they said John was the smart one,
George was the quiet one, Paul the
cute one and Ringo the funny one.
How would you describe Frankie and
that bunch of unwashed hoodlums?
FRANK
(points at Kevin)
He's the black one.
(points at Mark)
He's the square one.
(points at himself)
I'm the good looking one.
(points at Alan)
And he's the stupid one.
MARK
I resent that. I'm not square. I
just take into consideration the
consequences of my actions.
ALAN
Frank you're gonna be so proud of
me. I stole a sterling silver
bowl that had candy in it.
FRANK
Listen up brick for brains, you're
not supposed to steal from me.
ALAN
(laughs)
Sorry, force of habit. Here,
have a breath mint.
Doreen HURRIES up to Priscilla.
DOREEN
(laughs)
Priscilla, Priscilla come her.
This girl got on a negligee and
naked as a jaybird. And she look
like her hair is on crack.
PRISCILLA
(laughs)
Shut up. Shut up girl. Where is
she?
DOREEN
Follow me. Honey, she advertising
all her merchandise.
Doreen and Priscilla WALK towards miss negligee.
PRISCILLA
I'm glad I have a strong stomach.
VALESKA
Girls, I'm throwing the bouquet.
Val THROWS the bouquet, Doreen and Priscilla RACE for it.
DOREEN
I got it.
Connie comes from across the room and RACES for the
bouquet.
CONNIE
I got it.
Connie and Doreen CRASH into each other and STUMBLE around.
Priscilla CATCHES the bouquet.
PRISCILLA
You mean I got it and I'm gonna
make one hell of a bride, baby.
You hear that Kevin?
Connie and Doreen are punch drunk.
DOREEN
I'll take fries with that. And
could you supersize that pepsi?
Doreen FALLS FLAT on her back. Connie LEANS against Mark.
CONNIE
Watch that first step. It's a
lulu.
DARNELL
Hey Frank, did you ever snap out
of that coma?
FRANK
Yep. Then I took a good look at
you and snapped right back into it.
DARNELL
You trying to call me ugly, fool?
FRANK
Not only that. But you look like
something I wouldn't feed my dog.
DARNELL
Oh yeah? That's why I saw you
hangin' out at the welfare lookin'
like this.
Darnell crosses his eyes and looks stupid.
DARNELL
Tryin' to trade a pair of bowlin'
shoes and a steering wheel for some
food stamps.
The gang LAUGHS. Frank and Val STEP OUT to the
FRONT OF THE CHURCH
VALESKA
Now that you're married to me, do
you promise to be good?
FRANK
(smiles)
Baby, I promise to be real good.
Frank TURNS AROUND and gives the gang an exaggerated WINK
of the eye. The gang gives Frank a giant WINK and LAUGH
THE END
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