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New York Style  Chinese Food

								    Written By:  Keegan Reid




Setting:  A Chinese Restaurant in New York City

Time:  Sometime in modern day, go figure.  

           (Lights up on a group of celebrities eating at a table under a 
television monitor)

Television:  "And we'll be back with more from Scarborough Country."

Judd Hirsch:  You know what pisses me off, just how little gentiles actually 
know about baseball.  I was in Independence, Kansas, and some punk kid actually 
tried to tell me that the first lighted baseball game was held there.  Is that 
not the stupidest thing you have ever heard?  

Al Franken:  Yeah, those silly "Gentiles".  

Bruce Springstein:  Yeah, well I don't know about you, but I connect with the 
middle American.  I mean, I make pop albums, and promote other Jewish country 
singers like, Bob Dylan, and other Jewish media hillbillys like Al "Stuart 
Smalley" Franken.  Hell, I even said some nice stuff about you at my last 
concert Al.  

Dustin Hoffman:  Well I think Tom Cruise is a good kid, it is a shame he is not 
Jewish.  

Judd Hirsch:  You know, I hate when people take my picture and ask for my 
autograph.  I hate it.  I hate people and the people who take pictures.  I hate 
people who want autographs.  More or less, if you don't know baseball, and if 
you can't get your baseball facts together, then you can pretty much go 
schlepp'n somewhere else you know?

Al Franken:  And why do they think that all us hepp happening Jewish guys are 
liberals or democrats anyway?  I mean think about it, there are Jewish 
Republicans right? I mean, that is if you consider Ari Fleischer hepp.

Eric Bogosian:  I don't care if you are Rebooblican or live on Scooby snacks.  I 
get fan mail all the time, and honestly I could give a fuck less what people 
think, and if you don't like it, well "This is my United States of WHATEVAH!".  
Go crawl back into a mall, dye your hair green, and watch some more MTV while 
you do some more ecstasy and shut the fuck up.  

Woody Allen:  Well there are some cool Jews that are Republicans you know?  

Ben Stiller:  Like who?  

            (Long silence.)

Adam Sandler:  Well I think Howard Stern is Republican, isn't he?  I mean he 
refuses to get on the liberal bandwagon politically anyway.  What about James T.  
Shatner and Spock Nimoy?  Aren't they Republican Jews?  

Woody Allen:  No they are Treckies, or Treckers, or something like that.  Do you 
think that waitress has a daughter?  

Eric Bogosian:  He is a Jew trying to be a gentile, give me a break.  Him and 
his little bucktooth John friend can go screw themselves.  

Billy Crystal:  I know that Rob and I are both proud liberals, but we are smart 
enough to stay out of the media hype.

Rob Reiner:  You know, it is a matter of just doing what you love.  Just being 
funny, that is what counts.  Fuck politics, that isn't where the money is.  If I 
tried to take up politics Penny would have my nuts in motzo ball jar, you 
kiddin' me?  

Adam Sandler:  Well I wrote a little song for this occasion and it goes a little 
somethin' like this...  



                        (Adam pulls out a guitar and begins to sing)

If Sean had a pen he would write important stuff
About how Madonna liked to screw other men
If Sean had a brain he would then refrain 
Having sex with other "Gentile" women again....

Their vaginas are impressive and soft and delightful
I am sure Britney Spears has very special womb
I bet Christina Aguilera named hers "Taco My! Oh!"
But it is not Kosher! So no poster in my room!

Gentile women are so delicate and pretty
But Jewish women have the same "features"
Kosher is better when meeting Mom and Dad
And you don't have to explain that her Dad is a "preacher".

Janeane Garofalo is very beautiful we all know
She is trendy and punk fashionable too
Political and smart and loves all kinds of art
But she is an Italian "Gentile" too.

If I brought home Janeane, my wife would get mean
And ask me why I want to three way with this new lady
I would respond with great care, it is her new style of hair
And her tattoos inspire me to make babies!!

I remember "Gentile" hotties as a young man in T.V. land
Farah Faucet was the first woman I ever prayed to see nude
Then later Lynda Carter, Lindsey Wagner,  Cheryl Tiegs... 
 Bo Derek and Carrie Fisher I must not exclude!!

But moral of the story is that even if they are all pretty
Our Jewish mothers would all have fit!
If we touched a non-Kosher with our little Jewish Poker
Look! DO NOT touch! and that is it!

Television:  "We are listening Bo and Tom!  Leni Riefenstahl wasn't the only 
one.  We understand and we feel for you!  Keep keeping the faith, and until next 
time, This is Joe Scarborough, signing off!  Goodnight!"




 


		

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