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MIDNIGHT MOVES
"When horror moves, it moves at midnight"
The Hunter - R.E Freak
The Sex Machine - Harry "The Goose" Deckard
Molly Dolly - Steve Cameron
My Siamese Twin is a Demon - Michael Birch
The Cows - Chris Shalom
FADE IN:
EXT. CAVE -- UNKNOWN
A dark, gloomy cave trapped somewhere in the gloomy oblivion
that is the unknown. A FIGURE suddenly moves, it reveals
itself to be the GRIM REAPER. He has a skeletal face, wears
a long grey cloak and holds a long, sharp SCYTHE. When he
sees the camera he bursts into a Vincent Price style EVIL
LAUGHTER.
THE REAPER
(Finishing laughter)
Welcome, my children. Welcome to a
lovely collection of peaceful, well
meaning tales of DEATH, TERROR and
MORE DEATH AND TERROR.
(Laughter)
Anyway I'm not here to talk, I'm
here to introduce you my darlings.
We have cows coming to live, men
hunting men, dolls killing men, robots
pleasuring men and identical men.
Yep, there a lot of men in here.
Story One: The Hunter A superimpose in the red, CREEPER font.
After a second The Reaper lifts his Scythe and slashes it
away.
THE REAPER (CONT'D)
And now, I welcome you to listen to
a tale of the monstrous evil that
can sometimes live in the heart of
fairly ordinary people. Anyway, with
out further adue I invite you to
see: "THE HUNTER".
THE HUNTERON BLACK:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2.
VOICE #1
(V.O.)
So what's the deal with him?
VOICE #2
(V.O.)
He's a hunter, a real good one too.
If it's alive he's probably hunted
it at some point.
FADE IN:
INT. VAN - NIGHT
A couple of guys sit in the front of a white van. They're
contractors, dressed normally, not going to the job.
VOICE #1 is MARVIN; he's the younger of the two, the
apprentice. He looks about twenty eight or so, somewhere in
his late twenties. A black, slightly stocky man.
VOICE #2 is JIM, older, late thirties to early forties. He's
been in this business all his life.
MARVIN
Not everything though.
(beat, laughs)
I mean, he's never hunted humans
right?
JIM
Well. . .
MARVIN
You're kidding right?
(beat)
Right?
JIM
Yeah, probably.
MARVIN
Seriously man, that's not funny.
JIM
Oh come on, lighten up.
EXT. DIRT ROAD - NIGHT
The van speeds along. PAN RIGHT to reveal the mansion,
absolutely huge, three stories and stretching off into the
trees.
INT. VAN - NIGHT
Marvin and Jim sit in the van.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3.
MARVIN
Whoa.
JIM
It's big isn't it?
MARVIN
You been here before?
JIM
No, but some of the other guys have.
CUT TO:
EXT. MANSION - NIGHT
The front porch as Marvin and Jim start up, the van parked
off to the side.
Jim steps forward and rings the doorbell. It's a string of
loud bells, almost like a church, rather than the standard
electronic beeping.
MARVIN
Huh.
JIM
He's a little. . . over the top.
VOICE
(over intercom)
You the carpenters?
Jim steps forward and holds the button.
JIM
Yes, we're here to give you an
estimate.
A pause.
VOICE
(over intercom)
I'll be down in a minute.
A few moments pass, the two of them standing in front of the
door.
The door starts to open, a figure standing in the frame,
backlit.
JIM
Hello, we're from Ronton, we're here
to give you an estimate on the
addition.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4.
THE HUNTER steps forward, into the light from the porch light.
He's a tall, really creepy guy.
HUNTER
Welcome to my home.
(looks at MARVIN)
You're new.
JIM
He's training.
HUNTER
(grunt)
I thought you'd be bringing David.
JIM
He's home sick right now.
HUNTER
(eyeing MARVIN)
(absentmindedly)
Oh.
(beat)
Well, you'll have to do.
Marvin throws a quick glance over at Jim, who is ignoring
Hunter's actions.
HUNTER (CONT'D)
Come on in.
They step in, Marvin clearly unnerved.
INT. ENTRY ROOM - NIGHT
They step into an elaborate hall, everything looking extremely
expensive.
HUNTER
It's just through here.
They walk out of frame.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Hunter leads them through the living room, past dozens of
animal heads and skins mounted everywhere. Marvin looks at
them as they walk past.
EXT. SIDE PORCH - NIGHT
They step out onto a small porch, the lights coming on
automatically.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5.
HUNTER
This is where I want the addition
put on. Extend it out from here for
about thirty feet.
Jim pulls out a clipboard and starts jotting down notes.
JIM
(points pencil at
something off camera)
What's that?
ANGLE ON:
A Vent, a small pipe rises out of a small mound, covered
with silver vent.
HUNTER
That's a vent, for the fruit cellar.
JIM
You've got a basement section under
here?
HUNTER
Yes.
JIM
We're going to have to take a look,
is that all right?
HUNTER
What for?
JIM
We need to check the supports. If
we're going to build an addition the
ground has to be able to handle it.
Hunter stands there for a moment, staring at them.
HUNTER
Through the second door on your left.
JIM
Thanks.
(to Marvin)
Come on.
PAN LEFT as they walk inside.
PAN RIGHT to Hunter as it watches the door. He stands there
for a moment, just staring.
INT. HALL - NIGHT
Marvin and jim walk down the hall.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6.
MARVIN
This it?
JIM
This should be it.
He opens the door.
INT. STAIRCASE - TIMELESS
The door opens, letting the light in.
MARVIN
Dark.
JIM
There's the light.
He starts down the stairs, flipping the light switch. Nothing
happens.
JIM (CONT'D)
It's dead. Bulb must be burned-
MARVIN
AH!
JIM
What?!
HUNTER
I am sorry for that. Here.
He hands Marvin a couple of torches.
HUNTER (CONT'D)
I forgot to tell you. The power
doesn't work down there.
MARVIN
Man, you scared the shit out of me.
Hunter smiles and walks away.
Marvin turns the flashlight on.
CUT TO:
INT. CELLAR - TIMELESS
They reach the bottom of the stairs and walk towards the far
wall.
MARVIN
That guy's freaky.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.
JIM
Say what you want about him, he pays
good.
He walks up to the wall and starts poking it, pulling away
clumps of dirt.
JIM (CONT'D)
Ground's pretty weak around here.
(beat)
We'll probably have to install new
supports.
Marvin is wandering around in the background, aiming the
flashlight at anything.
MARVIN
Hey, do you think there're spiders
down here? I hate spiders man.
JIM
(O.S.)
Probably.
MARVIN
Shit, I hate spiders.
ANGLE: HIS FEET-
As he takes a short step, inadvertently sliding his toe under
a broken board.
MARVIN
(tripping)
Wha-shit!
He stumbles, feet pulling out from beneath him. He falls
headfirst into the wall, breaking right through. A section
of the wall caves in, parts of the roof falling down on him.
JIM
Marvin! Marvin! Shit, Marvin!
MARVIN
(O.S.)
I'm all right!
INT. COLD ROOM - TIMELESS
Jim climbs over the piles of dirt, dropping down into a small
room.
Marvin props himself up, coughing, brushing the dirt off his
face.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8.
JIM
Jesus Marvin, be careful! This whole
place could cave in.
MARVIN
Sor-
(COUGHS)
sorry about that.
He stands, brushing some more dirt off.
JIM
Come on, we should get out of here
in case this whole place decides to
come down.
MARVIN
Hold on.
POV: MARVIN
The room is small, about eight feet by eight feet. At the
far end there's a door, the only thing in the room.
MARVIN (CONT'D)
What's that?
JIM
A door. Come on.
Marvin continues to look around the room Jim climbs up. In
the process he breaks away a hunk of dirt, revealing the
edge of the wall.
JIM (CONT'D)
What the hell?
MARVIN
What?
Jim starts pulling away more dirt, piece by piece revealing
a door frame.
JIM
It's a door.
(beat)
You fell through a door.
MARVIN
Why was it buried?
JIM
God only knows.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.
VOICE
(O.S.)
Help!
He turns to Marvin, and as one they look at the far door.
POV: MARVIN
The far door as another cry is heard.
VOICE (CONT'D)
(O.S.)
Help me please!
Jim drops down and they both run for the door.
INT. COLD ROOM #2 - TIMELESS
The door swings open and they step into another cold room,
much bigger. The floor is covered in bodies, some of them
fresh, others rotting away, others just piles of bones.
In the far corner Will lies shackled to the floor, a number
of cuts and bruises on his face. He's only been here a while,
his clothes still look almost new.
JIM
Hell!
MARVIN
What the hell is this?!
WILL
He's crazy! Please, he's crazy! He
killed them all!
JIM
Calm down! Calm down! What happened!
WILL
He-
He stops, we hear a sound.
INT. STAIRCASE - TIMELESS
The door creaks as it swings open, Hunter standing at the
top of the stairs.
CLOSE-UP as he pulls a long knife out of its sheath.
INT. COLD ROOM #2 - TIMELESS
WILL
Go! He's coming! Get out of here
now!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10.
JIM
We're not leaving you here, don't
worry.
Jim and Marvin try to loosen the shackles.
Will struggles, pushing them away.
WILL
Get out! Just get out before he gets
here!
JIM
We won't just-
He coughs, suddenly going weak. Jim screams as he spins,
revealing Hunter's holding a broomstick with a sharpened
edge in his hands.
He topples, hitting the ground dead. Hunter spins the
broomstick in his hands like a swordsman.
MARVIN
(shocked)
Oh!
WILL
GO NOW!
Marvin stands, looking for a way to go, but he's cornered.
WILL (CONT'D)
GO!
Hunter steps forward and KICKS a small pot-bellied stove on
top of Will, who promptly shuts up - flattened!
Marvin uses the opportunity and runs, slamming the door.
CUT TO:
EXT. FRONT PORCH - NIGHT
Marvin runs out the front door, jumping down the stairs,
running for the van.
He stops dead.
MARVIN
SHIT!
POV: MARVIN
The hood is up, various engine parts scattered around.
PAN RIGHT as Hunter emerges from the front door holding a
rifle. He takes aim.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11.
BAM!
Marvin runs as the round blows out the vans windshield.
EXT. FOREST - NIGHT
Marvin runs, jumping over logs, ducking under branches. He's
snagged constantly but he doesn't let it slow him down.
CUT TO:
EXT. RIVER - NIGHT
He emerges from the trees, coming to a river. He starts out
into it.
BAM!
The water to the left of him explodes, spraying him.
HUNTER
(O.S.)
No farther!
Marvin pauses, and then takes another running step.
BAM!
He stops.
HUNTER (CONT'D)
(O.S.)
I said no farther!
(beat)
Turn around!
Marvin turns around to face Hunter as he emerges from the
trees.
Hunter chambers another round, spend shell casing flying
away.
MARVIN
Please, please man, please just let
me go!
HUNTER
Quiet!
MARVIN
Please pleas-
BAM!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12.
His right knee explodes, blood and flesh and bits of bone
spraying.
MARVIN (CONT'D)
AW! Did you realize that you just
freaking shot me, man?
HUNTER
I said quiet.
They stand there, blood flowing into the river, turning the
water around Marvin red.
HUNTER (CONT'D)
Well?
MARVIN
Wha-what?
HUNTER
Aren't you going to ask why?
MARVIN
What are you-what do you mean?
HUNTER
You're not going to ask why? Try to
convince me to spare your life in
exchange for salvation? Maybe try to
figure out why I do what I do?
Marvin says nothing.
HUNTER (CONT'D)
You I like. You know when to be quiet;
you know when to accept the fact
that your enemy has beaten you.
(smiles)
A shame I have to finish this.
He chambers another round.
MARVIN
NO! No, pleas-!
BAM!
Marvin's chest explodes, round blowing right through. Before
he can start to fall another round his shoulder, spinning
him around.
BAM! BAM!
Two quick rounds in rapid succession, hitting his left knee
and neck as he falls.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13.
He splashes down into the water, blood flowing, a crimson
streak leading off down the river.
WIDE SHOT as Hunter stands there over Marvin's body, floating
in the slow moving river.
He steps forward and puts his boot on Marvin's body, pushing
him out into the center of the river, where the water is
moving faster. His body begins to drift away, leaving Hunter
standing there.
He chambers another round, then turns and walks back towards
the trees. As he does, Marvin's BLOODY HAND SUDDENLY ARISES
FROM THE RIVER. As Sad, almost hypnotizing music begins to
play we finally:
FADE OUT:
EXT. CAVE -- UNKNOWN
The Reaper begins his laughter again.
THE REAPER
Great show. Loved the ending. Shame
I didn't have any frog's bollocks
popcorn. Really pops when ya cook
it.
(beat)
Anyway, now we have one of sleazier
stories. If only there was just a
little bit more...nudity involved.
But I give you, Harry Deckard's:
"The Sex machine".
THE SEX MACHINE
FADE IN:
INT. LIBRARY -- DAY
A well-stocked, well-kept city library. Books all in the
right places and tight looking librarians patrolling the
aisles. As we pan past a seemingly endless row of "QUIET,
PLEASE" signs we reach a table where MYLES MCNITT sits looking
through the local newspaper. He is about thirty-five,
casually dressed and athletic, with dusty blonde hair well
combed over his good-looking face. There's only one problem
with Myles - his anger.
At the minute he appears to be studying something very hard
and occasionally talking to himself.
MYLES
(To self)
Hmm...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14.
ANGLE OVER HIS SHOULDER:
To get a look at the advertisement it reads: "ANGER PROBLEMS?
Come spend the weekend at House Huxley in Kimberly. 19 Nov -
21 Nov. Call Prof. Hugh Exeter for details. Tel: 01603
605291".
MYLES (CONT'D)
(To self)
Worth a try.
CUT TO:
INT. FAIRLANDS DINER -- DAY
A greasy, trashy diner on the edge of a rough city. Mostly
truckers and travelers are inside; we follow AMY CARBETT, a
waitress as she moves across clearing dirty plates. She's
twenty-four, a dainty, beautiful blonde with a bad attitude.
The Manager, knowing of her anger problems calls her.
MANAGER
Hey, Amy!
AMY
What?
MANAGER
Guy placed an ad in here the other
day that you might be interested in.
AMY
Hmm..what's it about?
MANAGER
Anger management weekend or something.
Here.
(Hands her a small
card)
Amy accepts it and takes a look.
AMY
As long as you pay for it, Dalton.
Dalton leaves.
AMY (CONT'D)
I like being angry.
CUT TO:
INT. PHONE BOOTH -- DA
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15.
A plain phone booth in the middle of the same city as the
door opens and CLIVE FORBES comes in. He's thirty, a slick,
good-looking, black executive in the high-stress business
world. He takes the phone and dials a number. We hear his
side of an angry conversation with his wife.
FORBES
(Phone)
Hello? This Jemima...yeah it's me,
you fuckin' whore...don't give me
that, I know what you've been doin'
with Al...What? You think he'd keep
it from his best friend?...Stupid
cow...I heard about it and you wait
till I get my hands on his neck I'll
cork it like a bottle...
(A low beep)
She hung up!
(Slamming receiver
down)
Bitch!
Forbes is about to smash the receiver when he sees the same
card that the Manager gave to Amy.
FORBES (CONT'D)
Hey...hey...what's this?
CUT TO:
INT. CHIEF COLT'S OFFICE -- DAY
We're inside the city police station, inside CHIEF JOHN COLT's
spacious, yet cosy office to be precise. Colt sits behind
his desk shifting through a wad of papers. He's an ex-Marine
in his fifties, strongly built, and hard-edged, ready to go
for action at any point. A well-used Magnum .44 is in a
shoulder holster - he's badass.
There's a knock at the door, but before Colt can answer a
quick-talking Eddie Murphy-esque (great for a cameo role)
enters.
OFFICER
Hey, Chief.
COLT
Knock next time, dammit!
OFFICER
Just got a call from a Dr. Exeter,
know him?
Colt nods soberly.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
16.
OFFICER (CONT'D)
Well, he's holdin' a sorta weekend
thing for people with anger problems
this weekend at his mansion. He
wondered if you'd like to come?
COLT
(Looks at a calendar
on the wall)
Tell him okay.
OFFICER
You don't wanna speak to him?
Colt shakes his head and ushers the Officer out.
CUT TO:
INT. CELLAR -- UNKNOWN
As a TORTURED HOSTAGE is tied up to a chair, he is being
tortured by two gangsters. TONY SPELLDERRO, a hardened
gangster boss looks on, his hands angrily fingering his tommy
gun.
SPELLDERRO
Show me the money!
HOSTAGE
I HAVEN'T GOT IT DAMMIT!
Spellderro's hand goes for the trigger and he BLASTS the
Hostage a couple of times, sending the man flying off of his
chair. Spellderro shakes his head. His right-hand man speaks
up.
RIGHT-HAND MAN
Hell, bowss, you gotta sort your
anger out.
SPELLDERRO
Yeah I know...I just cain't help it.
RIGHT-HAND MAN
Well, there's an old friend of my
who's running a weekend workshop
this weekend for people with anger
problems, want me to call him and
get you a place?
SPELLDERRO
(With thought)
Sure.
CUT TO:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
17.
INT. RADIO DANCE -- DAY
We're inside one of radio Dance's studios as MELISSA MALONE
is waiting for a record - "Flowers in your window" by Travis -
to finish. She's about thirty, a honey blonde, with a
beautiful figure and face - just a shame she wasn't a nicer
person. She finishes her cigarette and tosses it onto the
floor. The office TEAGIRL sticks her head in.
TEAGIRL
Fancy a coffee, Melissa?
MELISSA
Yeah.
TEAGIRL
How many sugars?
MELISSA
Two - you know that. Now fuck off.
TEAGIRL
Okay...
Teagirl exits. Melissa listens as the song finishes and an
advert comes up.
EXETER (V.O.)
(On advertisement)
Tired of your anger problems? Fancy
starting the new year with a fresh,
new, clean attitude to life?
(Pause)
I hear you say yes, well how about
you pop down to House Huxley, in
Kimberly, South Dakota. Within a
weekend we can be looking at a
different you.
MELISSA
Well...
CUT TO:
EXT. MOTORWAY -- DAY
As a '99 Mustang flies down the road, going at least seventy.
We PAN FORWARDS, until we can see the driver through the
windscreen. His name is TRAVIS LOGAN; he's twenty-six, a
tall, lean, tired looking man with long beach blonde hair
and a disturbed GLINT in his eyes.
As he continues down the seemingly empty motorway, an old,
battered truck emerges quite suddenly and without indication
from a side-road, Travis just manages to slam on the brakes
and he WILDLY MISSES the truck. The other driver puts his
breaks on and they end up blocking each others way.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
18.
TRAVIS
Twat!
Travis grabs a golf club from the foot well of the shotgun
seat and POUNCES out, looking mean.
He runs over to the TRUCK DRIVER, who is leaning out of his
door.
TRUCK DRIVER
You asshole! Drivin' on a public
road like that, they should lock you
up!
TRAVIS
Come on then, old man, you wanna
piece of me? I'll screw you up like
a witch's crack and skin your pubes
alive!
The Driver sees what he's gonna do and ducks inside the cab -
slamming and locking the door as he does so. The only thing
is, he can't get away as all exits are blocked by Travis'
car, the hedge and the hard shoulder. Travis begins wildly
SMASHING the roof of the cab, then turns and smashes the
windows out; the driver is showered with glass.
The driver searches for anything he can use as a weapon, but
Travis - now practically foaming at the mouth - crushes the
bonnet and climbs into the cab.
TRAVIS (CONT'D)
HERE'S JOHNNY!
INT. TRUCK -- CONTINUOUS
Travis leaps on top of the driver and starts laying into him
with punches, mostly to his fat stomach. Then Exeter's voice
comes over the radio.
EXETER (V.O.)
(On advertisement)
Tired of your anger problems? Fancy
starting the new year with a fresh,
new, clean attitude to life?
(Pause)
I hear you say yes, well how about
you pop down to House Huxley, in
Kimberly, South Dakota. Within a
weekend we can be looking at a
different you.
Truck Driver and Travis stop fighting and take a look at
each other.
TRUCK DRIVER
I think you'd be better off there.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
19.
TRAVIS
So do I.
FADE TO:
EXT. HOUSE HUXLEY -- MORNING - TWO DAYS LATER
A selection of vehicles are outside House Huxley, an exquisite
looking country house in the middle of nowhere. We recognize
all of the guests. Myles, Amy, Colt, Travis, Melissa,
Spellderro and Forbes. Finally a Silver Porsche Boxter swings
into the gateway and there host, the so far illusive DR.
HUGH EXETER is inside as is his assistant, DENNIS MULLIGAN.
AMY
Well it's about time.
MYLES
Certainly is, I'm freezin' my fuckin'
bollix off out here.
SPELLDERRO
What shocks me is that you actually
got bollocks.
MYLES
Fuck you.
AMY
Shut up!
Exeter and Dennis step out of the car. Exeter is about fifty,
a bald, plain looking man with a constant grin on his
weathered face. Dennis is thirty, strongly-built and pretty
much of a dumbass.
EXETER
Welcome to my humble home, everyone -
I suppose you're all here for the
anger management course?
A general murmur of yes.
EXETER (CONT'D)
Good. Well, I'm now going to call a
register just to see if everyone's
here.
FORBES
Hurry the fuck up, man! I'm freezin'
like a danged coon out here!
EXETER
Yes, watch you language.
(Produces a small
Notebook)
Okay. Do we have Amy Carbett?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
20.
AMY
Yeah.
EXETER
Clive Forbes?
FORBES
Uh huh.
EXETER
Melissa Malone?
MELISSA
Whatever.
EXETER
Travis Logan?
TRAVIS
Yeah.
EXETER
John Colt?
COLT
Yep.
EXETER
Long time no see, John.
(Pause)
Tony Spellderro?
SPELLDERRO
Mmmm.
EXETER
Myles Verril?
MYLES
I'm all here about from my brain.
EXETER
Good. Well, as we have everyone - we
might as well get going.
FADE TO:
INT. UNKNOWN ROOM -- EVENING
We're inside an unknown room, which strictly between me and
you is actually in the house. It looks just like the
laboratory that a mad scientist (or doctor) would have.
Operating equipment, test tubes, tables, monitors and all
sorts are strewn about the place. On one of these test tables
is a tall, red figure.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
21.
We PAN IN on this creature until we see that he is made up
of different bodyparts. The LEGEND "The Sex Machine - Part
Rasputin, Part Michael Myers, Part Hugh Heffner".
Slowly some kind of red cloud appears over it and it begins
to spark until it suddenly SITS BOLT UPRIGHT! His eyes stare
into the camera, then look down. WE PAN DOWN to reveal that
his small, metal penis is standing to attention.
The Sex Machine presses a green button on his wrist and the
penis grows about five feet, he does this a few more times
then leaves it back to normal.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DINING ROOM -- EVENING
Exeter, Dennis and the angry people sit around a table after
finishing dinner - they are talking about what it is that
makes them angry.
TRAVIS
Me? Well I'm a road rage guy. I just
hate fuckin' stupid drivers. You may
call me a sexist pig, but I don't
think that any woman or anyone over
sixty for that matter should be let
out onto the road. Driving's a young
man's thing and we can't let people
take it away from us.
AMY
Sexist Pig.
DENNIS
Just what I was gonna say.
AMY
Whatever.
TRAVIS
See? I get this all the time. But
it's just my thoughts.
EXETER
Every man to his own thoughts.
DENNIS
Even if they are sexist?
EXETER
Even if they are.
MYLES
That just doesn't seem right to me.
For me it's bullies, ever since I
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
22.
MYLES (CONT'D)
was a little kid I was always picked
on. I was the school punch bag. I
didn't have any friends, just sat on
my own in the corner all lunch time,
getting pelted with rotten fruit.
Now I just generally hate everyone.
EXETER
How...
(Pause)
...Sad.
FORBES
I'm a businessman, an executive for
the Takagi Corp. So I'm used to high-
stress, but the last few years as
the paperwork piles up so does my
blood pressure. I'm afraid that I
might snap one of these times and
just kill everyone in sight.
EXETER
Stress is a powerful thing, Clive.
COLT
For me it's criminals. Especially
drug dealers, I hate those weak minded
bastards who take drugs. Why can't
they just use masturbation or alcohol
as a high? At least spunking is
natural, pumping your body full of
toxic shit that has been made in God
knows where just isn't the right way
to go. That's why I've shot a hundred
and ninety-three people since I've
been in the force.
(Pause)
My motto is "You're either the problem
or part of problem". Doesn't matter
which of those you are, I'll still
shoot you.
EXETER
Interesting...
AMY
I don't know what the root of my
anger is. But I know who it is
directed at though...
EXETER
Who?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
23.
AMY
Lesbians. I just hate the Doc Marten
wearing, short-haired fucktards. I
just love to walk into a Gay-bar,
get one drunk then kick the crap out
of her in a back alley.
MYLES
You hate lesbians? You damned
spoilsport.
EXETER
Each to his own.
MELISSA
I'm a D.J for Dance FM, if any of
y'all have ever heard it.
(Lights a cigarette)
My rage is down to my father walking
out on me at a young age I guess, my
brother and my mother began an affair
when he was twenty and they ran off
as well, leaving me all alone in the
world. I earned a living as a
prostitute until I had enough to get
a flat, then I met Colvin Dance and
joined his station. Mostly I take my
anger out on my cheating husband and
my cat, Dragonhead.
EXETER
Dennis, remind me to call the RSPCA
tomorrow morning.
DENNIS
Will do.
SPELLDERRO
My job is as all about anger...
EXETER
What do you do?
SPELLDERRO
(Points to a case)
Doesn't the violin case tell you?
Cos I can't tell you myself, else
I'd have to arrange a little accident
for everyone here.
TRAVIS
Accident? It better not be a car
accident or else I'd kill you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
24.
SPELLDERRO
Anyway, I'd like to be a fair man to
all my...well...colleagues. So I've
come here to learn how to be nice.
And, Dr. Exeter, if you don't make
me nice I'll eat your flesh.
EXETER
I see.
DENNIS
That's everyone isn't it?
EXETER
Yes, you all sound like the average
group of nutcases that I'm used to
dealing with so I think we'll get
along just fine. Anyway, now for
some rest before the actual workshop
begins. Dennis, show them to their
rooms. If anyone would like a shower
the shower is the third room to the
left upstairs and if the water stays
cold then you'll have to sort out
our water mains which is in the
cellar.
(Points to the cellar
hatch)
And with that, I bid you all a
goodnight.
Everyone begins to get up - making a lot of noise.
SPELLDERRO
Sounds like the usual freak you'd
expect to get in here.
AMY
Yeah.
MELISSA
Well I'm gonna have a shower.
(Eyes up Myles)
If any of you would like to join me
you're quite welcome.
MYLES
Erm...maybe.
AMY
Don't flatter yourself bitch, you're
as ugly as they come.
MELISSA
Says who?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
25.
AMY
Me.
MELISSA
You! You have the ass the size of a
bloated lemon!
AMY
(Taken aback)
Do I...
COLT
No, now hurry up and get to bed before
I shoot you both.
FORBES
Gosh...d'you get some kind of sexual
pleasure out of shooting people or
something?
COLT
No...
MELISSA
Do me a favour and shoot that fat
bitch.
Everyone begins to depart, leaving Exeter on his own. He
takes out a vibrator from his pocket, a clicks it on. In
response to the BUZZ the Sex Machine appears in front of
him, he smiles and clicks it off.
THE SEX MACHINE
(Heavily robotic voice)
Good evening, Master, how may I serve
you?
EXETER
Ah, Sex Machine, the angry ones are
in the house now. So I think it's
time to work your magic, so to say.
THE SEX MACHINE
I see. I must brighten their lives
up with my super-orgasmic powers?
(Points to robotic
penis)
EXETER
Yes.
THE SEX MACHINE
I detect one who is not angry, what
should be done to him?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
26.
EXETER
Ah, my assistant Dennis. Well he
does tend to be grumpy at times so
lighten him up. Just a little.
THE SEX MACHINE
I will start now master.
EXETER
Okay. Well I'm going to bed.
Exeter leaves. The Sex Machine turns and looks towards the
cellar hatch, he smiles and hobbles towards it, unbolting it
and entering into the darkness.
CUT TO:
INT. SHOWER -- LATER
Melissa, now joyfully naked, is inside the shower. Bathing
herself with the pure, fresh water. She is rubbing herself
with soap and singing "My neck, my back" with a fairly good
voice - although it is croaky from the amount of cigarettes
she smokes.
MELISSA
(Singing)
My neck, my back, lick my pussy and
my crack...
ANGLE ON
The showerhead, as it sprays out clean water.
CUT TO:
INT. CELLAR -- SAME TIME
We're back in the shower as the Machine enters. He walks
towards the water generator.
THE SEX MACHINE
Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
He presses a button and WHITE LIQUID bursts out of the end
of his penis. He opens the door to the generator and sticks
his sex organ inside.
CUT TO:
INT. SHOWER -- CONTINUOUS
As Melissa screams in ecstasy for no apparent reason, suddenly
ROBOT SPUNK begins flooding out of the showerhead, she looks
up and SCREAMS HORRIBLY as she is submerged in the horrible
stuff, she struggles out, now completely covered in it, she
looks up. Tries to press the off button, but her hand slips
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
27.
off. She moves and struggles to open the door, but it is
unlocked.
MELISSA
No...
Melissa moves to unbolt it, but she is DROWNED in SPUNK.
MELISSA (CONT'D)
AAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEE!
Her scream carries into the next scene as we:
CUT TO:
INT. MYLES'S ROOM -- NIGHT
Myles struggles awake as Mel's scream ends. He looks around
for the source of the sound, thinking he's dreaming. There's
another quiet scream and he realizes he isn't.
MYLES
Huh?
Myles staggers out of bed and heads to the door.
INT. CORRIDOR -- CONTINUOUS
Myles hurries down it to the shower room door, where he hears
Melissa's final SCREAM.
MYLES
MELISSA? MEL?
No answer. Myles tries the door, but it is locked. Travis
comes out of his room, which is directly opposite, Amy comes
from her room as well.
AMY
What the heck's going on out here?
Everyone else slowly begins to come out.
COLT
What's all the wailing about?
FORBES
Sounded like Mel screaming, any idea
where she is?
MYLES
In there! But the door won't open!
EXETER
Must be locked from the inside.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
28.
COLT
I think we'd better do it my way...
Colt SPINS his .44 from its holster and fires two rounds
into the centre of the door.
AMY
What good is that gonna do?
COLT
Just watch.
Colt steps back and with one MIGHTY BOOT kicks a whole
straight through the door that's big enough to fit any big
man (which is what he is) inside.
SPELLDERRO
Hmmm...if only you were on my side.
TRAVIS
Fucking hell...look!
A sudden surge of SPUNK splashes through the hole in the
door, submerging Colt and toppling the big man off of balance.
A small flow of spunk glows out, in it is MELISSA'S DEAD
BODY.
ANGLE ON
Exeter; as his eyebrows rise in HORROR. His own creation did
this! The same creation that was created only for a good use
has just killed an innocent girl.
BACK TO SCENE
Forbes bends over and checks Melissa's pulse.
FORBES
(As if it is surprising)
She's dead!
COLT
Well done, Captain Obvious.
MYLES
Shit! I think we'd better call for
ba...
DENNIS
(Cutting him off)
This means we have a killer in our
midst doesn't it? One of us musta
got in here and drowned Melissa in
whatever this stuff is. Right?
SPELLDERRO
Well, Myles, you were the first here!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
29.
MYLES
Me!
EXETER
I believe he did say Myles.
AMY
Oh and also that little slut asked
you to come up there with here, didn't
she?
TRAVIS
She has a point, Myles; I heard her
eye up as she asked if anyone wanted
to join her....
Everyone turns to Myles.
MYLES
You're joking right! I...I wouldn't
ever do any FUCKING THING LIKE THIS!
IT WAS PROBABLY AMY, THEY WERE ARGUING
PRETTY BADLY WEREN'T THEY?
AMY
Erm...reality check, I'm five foot
three and eight stone. I couldn't
drown someone in white stuff...hey
whatever is this stuff?
EXETER
(Worryingly)
Looks like...well...a certain natural
liquid...
DENNIS
Spunk?
EXETER
Yes, Dennis, Spunk.
SPELLDERRO
Shit, let's fucking kill the bastard.
A pause. Myles squirms.
SPELLDERRO (CONT'D)
C'mon then! Kill him!
COLT
I think it would be better if we
arrested him, but shooting him
would...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
30.
EXETER
You people are incredibly stupid
aren't you? Listen to you! Myles
somehow got in through the locked
door, didn't want sex with a gorgeous
girl who obviously fancied him and
then drowned her in a spunky-milky
thing, before going out through the
locked door, without a drop of it on
him and without letting a drop out,
then called us instead of letting us
find her?
AMY
He has a point.
FORBES
Shit! I'm not staying here with a
killer! I say we get our stuff and
drive directly to the station.
Obviously the killer will have cut
the phone lines by now...
COLT
Okay! Okay! I'm the law around here.
(Pause)
And I go with Forbes, everyone get
their stuff together and get going.
CUT TO:
INT. MYLES'S ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Myles, cursing and muttering, is packing his things slowly
into his case when there's a knock at his door.
MYLES
Come in.
He doesn't turn around and the SEX MACHINE waltzes in. Myles
turns and his eyes almost spin back into their sockets when
he sees him.
MYLES (CONT'D)
Who the hell are you?
THE SEX MACHINE
Stan Mcnitt. Thirty-five years old.
Unmarried. Virgin. Postal worker.
You have been targeted for
spermination. Suck cocks and die.
The Sex Machine's penis shoots out, and clamps around Myles's
groin. Myles raises an eyebrow.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
31.
MYLES
Excuse me...would it be possible for
you to get your dick away from me?
The Sex Machine shakes his head, "no", then clicks a button
on his wrist. Myles is now hit by incredible pleasure.
MYLES (CONT'D)
Oh...hell...helll....heeeeel...that
is fucking
good...oooooh....ooooooooooooh......
..oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooh!
Myles suddenly EXPLODES, bits flying everywhere. The Machine's
penis retracts.
THE SEX MACHINE
You have been orgasmed to death.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY -- MOMENTS LATER
Exeter, Dennis, Travis, Amy, Colt, Spellderro and Forbes are
assembled by the door waiting for Myles.
AMY
Where the hell is he?
EXETER
It's been too long.
(Pause)
He woulda been here by now?
FORBES
Should we go up and have a look?
COLT
Don't be dumb, let's wait outside
for him. If there's something up
there that's got him it maybe waiting
for us.
AMY
Good point.
Colt tries the door, it's locked.
EXETER
Here's the key.
Colt tries the lock but the door is still locked.
AMY
Looks like you'll have to use your
special method.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
32.
COLT
Yeah.
SPELLDERRO
Quick! I can hear footsteps on the
stairs!
He's right! Sure enough there are low, deliberate footsteps
on the stairs.
FORBES
Come on!
SPELLDERRO
Yeah.
Colt BLASTS two rounds into the door and gives it a good,
solid kick - but it won't open.
COLT
I don't know what's wrong with it!
It's fucked up!
SPELLDERRO
Oh, get outa the way you fuckin'
pansy.
They move and Spellderro smashes his violin case to reveal a
CHAINGUN, he fires at least three hundred rounds into the
door, but nothing happens. Colt GIVES it another KICK, only
ends up stubbing his toe!
QUICKCUT TO:
EXT. HOUSE HUXLEY -- CONTINUOUS
To reveal that a huge, metal model of a thong is covering
the building.
QUICKCUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS
Spellderro is annoyed.
SPELLDERRO
Well, fuck this.
There's a heavy footstep from behind, they spin to see the
Sex Machine. Spellderro's hand goes for the trigger.
DENNIS
Shoot it!
The Sex Machine SMASHES Spellderro across the hallway with a
smooth PUNCH to the ribs, and then seizes Dennis' groin with
one hand while pressing a button on a hip control panel. He
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
33.
takes his hand away and the bulge in Dennis' pants begins to
grow and grow and grow.
EXETER
Sweet fuck.
THE SEX MACHINE
Master!
COLT
Master! Master? You built this fucking
thing?
EXETER
Well...
Colt draws his Magnum .44 and in a quick, smooth motion SHOOTS
Exeter in the head. Exeter falls onto his back, stone dead.
AMY
Look out!
Dennis' penis has now grown to at least six foot.
DENNIS
AAAGH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!
The Sex Machine grabs an axe which was leaning up against
the wall and CHOPS it off.
DENNIS (CONT'D)
Ugh...
TRAVIS
Oh, fuck this.
Travis runs off to the left.
The Machine drops the axe to the ground, and picks up Dennis'
amputated penis as a weapon.
AMY
(Screams something
inaudible)
Everyone begins rushing in different
direction, Amy ducks into a doorway
and Spellderro shakes himself awake.
FORBES
Shoot him, Colt, shoot him!
Colt steps forward and holds the gun in a double-handed grip,
he lets off two shots. Both slams into the Machine's upper-
chest, then his gun clicks empty.
He ducks back behind a wardrobe to load, but the creature
comes flying at him.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
34.
SPELLDERRO
Hasta La Vista, bebe.
Spellderro now has the chaingun in his hands and lets out a
TERRIFYINGLY rapid volley of shots, taking the android off
his feet and into the air.
SPELLDERRO (CONT'D)
Yeah. I still got it.
He steps over Exeter's corpse, then Dennis' corpse and reaches
the recovering Sex Machine, who leaps up and grabs his dick
weapon with an angry glare.
THE SEX MACHINE
You shouldn't have done that!
FORBES
Get away from him, man! He's mad!
Forbes pulls Amy out of her hiding place.
SPELLDERRO
G'on! Get upstairs and hide somewhere!
I'll deal with him!
Colt pops out of hiding and fires TWICE at the Robot, it
turns from Spellderro and CRACKS Colt across the HEAD with
Dennis' cock, Colt's eyes roll up and he falls over -- dead.
AMY
COLT!!!!
SPELLDERRO
Go!
AMY
No! I won't go without you!
SPELLDERRO
Go!
AMY
NOOOO! You have to come with us, we
won't survive alone...
FORBES
Shut up and go!
THE SEX MACHINE
Oh, fine, if you won't go.
He opens a compartment in his chest and takes out a metal
fetus; he throws it at Amy's feet.
AMY
What's that supposed to do?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
35.
THE SEX MACHINE
Wait a second...
BOOMF! The fetus EXPLODES into a million pieces, thousands
of penis-shaped spikes fly out. Forbes and Spellderro hit
the ground -- but the late, Amy Carbett doesn't, she falls
on top of Dennis' body.
FORBES
AMY!!!!
SPELLDERRO
Go!
Forbes CRASHES out of the room, screaming wildly. Spellderro
turns and SHOOTS at Sex Machine, Sex Machine takes a couple
of bullets and falls onto his back, he performs a sort of
backward roll and lands on his head, Spellderro grabs a hat
rack and SMASHES it over the Machine's body.
SPELLDERRO (CONT'D)
So that's what they make those useless
things for.
Sex Machine gets up and attacks the Gangster, who looks around
for a weapon, a ROCKET LAUNCHER suddenly falls into his hands.
SPELLDERRO (CONT'D)
Hey! Where'd that come from?
THE SEX MACHINE
It's a horror movie - anything can
happen.
Spellderro pulls the trigger, a little flag saying "BANG"
comes out. The Sex Machine has hold of his chaingun and breaks
it like a twig.
THE SEX MACHINE (CONT'D)
(Pouncing on him and
knocking both guns
from his hands)
Anything can happen...
FADE TO:
INT. BATHROOM -- LATER
We get the feeling that a lot of time has passed. Travis and
Forbes are inside, meagerly armed with an axe and a frozen
chicken leg.
TRAVIS
Think Spellderro survived?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
36.
FORBES
Well from the way he screamed I'd
doubt it.
TRAVIS
So we're all alone now?
FORBES
Yep. Unless Myles is still alive.
TRAVIS
Well, there is a chance. Maybe he
saw more than he let onto and went
into hiding...
FORBES
Yeah. We didn't hear a scream or
anything.
TRAVIS
Shall we go out and check?
FORBES
Yeah, maybe the robot's sorta got
overheated or something.
TRAVIS
Well, he would've been here by now.
The door wouldn't be hard for him to
smash down.
Travis unlocks the door.
FORBES
After three.
FORBES/TRAVIS
1...2...3...GO!
They kick the door open and step into:
INT. CORRIDOR -- CONTINUOUS
Nothing suspicious, apart from Melissa's body and a slowly
evaporating puddle of thick, white sperm.
TRAVIS
All's quiet on the Western front.
Colt, hurt but nowhere near dead yet, steps into view. His
Magnum .44 clutched in a white-knuckle grip.
COLT
Travis!
(Sees Forbes)
Forbes!
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
37.
COLT (CONT'D)
(Pause)
Hell, I thought I was the only one
alive around here.
TRAVIS
Colt, man, am I glad to see a guy
with a gun.
FORBES
Guess that dick wasn't as stiff as
it looked. Hey?
COLT
No.
A low rumble. Everyone tensens.
TRAVIS
IT'S HEAR!
THE SEX MACHINE SMASHES STRAIGHT THROUGH THE WALL, DENNIS'
PENIS IN HAND. IT GRIMACES MENACINGLY. TRAVIS AND FORBES
SCREAM AND RUSH OFF TO THE RIGHT. THE SEX MACHINE CHARGES
AFTER THEM, COLT CHASES AFTER THE MECHANICAL MONSTER AND WE
ARE LEFT WITH AN EMPTY FRAME.
CUT TO:
INT. STUDY -- MOMENTS LATER
Forbes, with chicken leg in hand, hides behind a huge potted
plant in Exeter's study, as he crouches there he notices a
small, A5 piece of paper containing a drawing of the Sex
Machine.
FORBES
(Low)
Shit...
Suddenly there's a heavy footstep, we move in TIGHT ON Clive
Forbes as he quivers against the plant, chicken leg in hand --
finally when he deciphers that the intruder is in the doorway,
he sums up the courage and LEAPS UP, RUSHING STRAIGHT FORWARDS
AT HIS ATTACKER AND WHACKING HIM ACROSS THE CHEEK WITH THE
CHICKEN LEG.
It is only after the figure CRASHES to the ground, unconscious
or dead, that he realizes it is Travis.
TRAVIS
A...at...least...yo...you we...weren't
a w...oman...
FORBES
SHIT! TRAVIS!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
38.
He bends down and checks Travis' pulse.
FORBES (CONT'D)
Faint...
A DARK SHADOW falls over Forbes, he looks up to see THE SEX
MACHINE TOWERING ABOVE HIM. He screams.
THE SEX MACHINE
Twat!
The Sex Machine swings and SMACKS HIM WITH Dennis' penis,
Forbes crashes to ground. As he does a whole bookcase full
of porn videos falls on top of him. Flattening him like a
pancake.
THE SEX MACHINE (CONT'D)
They always said porn could kill.
The Sex Machine is becoming more human by the minute!
FADE TO:
INT. TROPHY ROOM -- SAMETIME
Colt, now the only human left alive (or is Travis still
faintly alive?) is now inside a trophy room, full of various
scientific things and trophies. He knows from the screams
that they have at least got one of the others. There's a
footfall from outside, he ducks behind a bookcase as the SEX
MACHINE walks past.
He is about to go out and confront him, when he notices a
STUBBY HARDBALLER SHOTGUN lying on a pedestal in the corner,
next to it is two boxes of shells. Colt knows that he has
hit the jackpot.
He seizes it, opens the catch and inserts seven shells.
THE SEX MACHINE (O.S.)
Oh, Chief! Chief! Where are you,
Chief? I want to shag you!
He slams open the catch, pumps the shotgun and slides his
.44 back into its holster.
INT. LANDING -- CONTINUOUS
Colt steps out into the first floor landing and looks up to
see THE SEX MACHINE at the top, it spins when it sees him.
THE SEX MACHINE
There you are!
It turns fully and descends the steps, one after the other -
always deathly slow.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
39.
It takes the first step.
Colt raises the shotgun.
It takes the second step.
Colt FIRES.
The Android takes the bullet firmly in the stomach, and a
load of smoke begins to rise. It looks dumbfounded. Begins
to descend quicker.
Colt, knows he's going to die now, but he won't give up just
yet. He pumps the shotgun again and the used shell flies
out, he brings it up - still with the same deadly-firm grip
and FIRES.
He HITS the ROBOT in the same spot, this time it begins to
slow. He pumps, but the robot isn't done yet.
THE SEX MACHINE (CONT'D)
Don't you ever learn, policeman?
Colt steps into place. Fires his next round, it hits the
Machine where its ear would be (if it was human). It begins
to quicker now, KNIFING towards him. Colt's hands start to
get sweaty now, they fumble slightly. He fires again, this
time it misses and the shot ricochets off the penultimate
step and smashes into the shotgun - taking it clean out of
Colt's hands.
THE SEX MACHINE (CONT'D)
I win!
The Sex Machine climbs onto the landing, hurries towards
him. The Chief's hand moves for his .44, but the Machine is
quicker and rips the shoulder holster off and discards it.
He takes Colt by the neck, lifts him six foot off the ground
and laughs in his face.
THE SEX MACHINE (CONT'D)
Need more sex.
His penis clamps around Colt's groin, tightens. Colt screams
in ecstasy.
THE SEX MACHINE (CONT'D)
MWHAAA HA HA HA HA HA! YOU DIDN'T
REALLY THINK YOU'D SURVIVE DID YOU?
But Colt's hand whips into his inside pocket and he takes
out a video. The Sex Machine's robotic eyes widen - TERRIFIED -
HORRIFIED - MORTIFIED.
THE SEX MACHINE (CONT'D)
IT...IT...IT...CAN'T BE...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
40.
COLT
But it is.
A fleshy-coloured ray rips into the Sex Machine, MELTING it
slowly. It screams but its robotic voice grows lower and
lower until it melts to a crisp.
ANGLE ON
The video, which is A GERMAN PORN VIDEO.
COLT (CONT'D)
Must have been too hardcore for it.
FADE OUT:
EXT. CAVE -- UNKNOWN
The Reaper is laughing again. Although this time his hand is
by his groin and he appears to be tossing off, when he sees
us he stops.
THE REAPER
German Porn. Always makes me horny.
Of course all German porn directors
go to hell. Then again, they like it
steamy I guess.
(Laughs)
Damn, I'm such a knockout. Anyway,
here's another violent, sleazy and
gory masterpiece: "The Molly Dolly".
THE MOLLY DOLLY
FADE IN:
EXT. DESERTED ROAD - NIGHT
A rather large green street sign says Speed Limit 50 MPH, A
black Mustang flies down the street at high speeds of 100mph
INT. MUSTANG - NIGHT
Driving the Mustang is HOOKIE, a 22 year old rich man with
striking good looks, short blonde locks and clothes hand
made just for him.
In the backseat is DONALD, Hookie's older brother who is
slow and ugly, beside him is CANDICE, Donald's overweight
girlfriend who is also pretty slow.
DONALD
We meet new people today, right
Hookie?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
41.
HOOKIE
(Mocking)
"We meet new people today, right
Hookie" Shut up you fucking retarded
cunt, I don't bother you while you
drive... oh, that's right you can't
drive because you're too stupid
(Beat)
I'm sorry babe, I can't concentrate
on three things so you'll have to
stop
A head comes up from Hookie's lap, this is JENNY, Hookie's
girlfriend who is a beautiful brunette dressed in skanky,
but elegant clothing
JENNY
Donald, you fucking jerk, you ruin
everything!
Donald puts his head down and Candice comforts him
JENNY (CONT'D)
Are we almost there? I am so thirsty
HOOKIE
No!
EXT. DESERTED ROAD - NIGHT
The Mustang slows down and parks on the side of the road
EXT. MUSTANG - NIGHT
Hookie quickly gets out of the car, walks to the side of the
road and drops his pants.
INT. MUSTANG - NIGHT
The three watch Hookie as he takes a piss
CANDICE
Why do you let him push you around
DONALD
I don't, he's just angry sometimes
and I don't want to make it worse
CANDICE
He is always that way with you though.
Donald sees that Jenny is listening and quickly goes back to
looking down and fidgeting with his seatbelt.
JENNY
I hear you back there Hookie gets
back in the car
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
42.
HOOKIE
I feel better, let's go
Hookie puts the car in gear and pulls out but stops really
quickly when he sees a guy in front of the car
HOOKIE (CONT'D)
Jesus Christ, you almost hit my car,
you fuck
EXT. ROAD - A FEW MINUTES EARLIER
A red pickup truck putts to a stop on the side of the road
INT. PICKUP TRUCK - NIGHT
Sitting in the front seat is MR. CUTTER, a 46 year old man
dressed in a business suit with striking good looks
MR. CUTTER
Come on baby, don't fail me now.
He pats the dashboard and kisses the steering wheel, he than
tries to start it again with no luck
MR. CUTTER (CONT'D)
You've been cheating on me, haven't
you?
Cutter smells the air.
MR. CUTTER (CONT'D)
You have been, slut... Whore... I
thought we had something special
going here.
He pushes the door open, grabs his briefcase and exits the
truck
EXT. PICKUP TRUCK - NIGHT
Cutter gets out and slams the door shut; he kicks the car
and starts to walk away
MR. CUTTER
I can't believe you cheated on me
with another; it's a sad, sad day
EXT. CAR - NIGHT
Cutter carries his briefcase still. Hookie rushes toward him
and punches him in the jaw knocking the business man to the
ground
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
43.
HOOKIE
You are so lucky my bitch is watching
or you'd be dead you fucking dirt
merchant!
Cutter tries to get up and is helped up by Hookie
HOOKIE (CONT'D)
You alright? I'm sorry I just...
MR. CUTTER
It's okay, I'm Dave Cutter
HOOKIE
Well Mr. Cutter would you like a
ride?
They shake hands and at that moment it starts to rain and
lightning crashes, the two rush to the car and get in
EXT. ABANDONED ROAD - NIGHT
The Mustang speeds off and cuts through the rain as it picks
up
INT. MUSTANG - NIGHT
The rain pounding the hood makes it very hard to see, Mr.
Cutter is crammed in beside Donald
HOOKIE
We might need to stop for the night
because I cannot see a thing
MR. CUTTER
I think there is a small motel
somewhere up ahead
HOOKIE
Perfect
JENNY
But what about my uncle's birthday
dinner?
HOOKIE
I guess it'll have to wait till
mornin'. He'll understand if we
couldn't make it tonight
MR. CUTTER
(Looks at Donald)
Hi
DONALD
Who are you?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
44.
MR. CUTTER
A hitchhiker
DONALD
Don't you people kill?
MR. CUTTER
Not anymore, now there are laws in
place
DONALD
(Points to the
briefcase)
What's in there?
MR. CUTTER
That's where I keep my tools
Mr. Cutter smiles at Donald who looks terrified hugging his
girlfriend who is half asleep and drooling
HOOKIE
Don't worry about him, he's retarded
MR. CUTTER
Oh, I thought he was joking around
HOOKIE
Nope, he's a stupid fucking retard.
My mother aborted him but he just
wouldn't die, you know?
MR. CUTTER
Okay, you don't need to make fun of
him
HOOKIE
He's my brother
MR. CUTTER
Exactly, so please don't do it around
me at least
HOOKIE
It's my fucking car, if you don't
like it than you can get...
MR. CUTTER
Okay, do whatever you want
HOOKIE
Damn right I will
MR. CUTTER
So, where you kids from?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
45.
HOOKIE
We come from the richest part of the
world
MR. CUTTER
Mexico?
HOOKIE
What? No, California. What about
you?
MR. CUTTER
Well, I myself come from a big part
of America but recently I moved to a
small town called Guildsmeyer where
the waitresses will suck it in the
back for extra cash
JENNY
Eww! That's sick
HOOKIE
Really? I may have to visit there
someday
JENNY
You're not funny, that actually hurt
Jenny begins sobbing. Hookie hugs her and looks back at
Cutter with a smile on his face
HOOKIE
I was just kiddin' babe
JENNY
I'm sorry but I just wanted to see
my uncle again, that's all.
Jenny sits back in her seat wiping away the tears
HOOKIE
I know, and we'll be there tomorrow
bright and early, I promise
MR. CUTTER
A-ha, we're here.
Cutter points out a hotel through the rain
EXT. LA LOCO HOTEL - NIGHT
The rain makes it hard to see but the shiny La Loco sign
shines through, the hotel is small but looks as if it's new
The Mustang pulls into the parking lot and into a spot
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
46.
INT. LA LOCO HOTEL - NIGHT
Hookie, Jenny, Donald, Candice and Mr. Cutter all come through
the door damp and shake off a little before walking up to
the counter Behind the counter everything looks the norm
accept a china doll in a glass case on a shelf, a piece of
tape draped across the bottom says "Hi, I'm Molly Dolly"
JENNY
Look at that dirty... thing
HOOKIE
It's almost as ugly as you, Donny.
Donald nervously laughs as Hookie slaps him on the shoulder
CANDICE
That thing is creepy They stare at
it for a few moments
HOOKIE
Where is the fucking desk worker?
Hookie smacks the desk bell a few times
MALE VOICE
Stop hitting the bell, I'm watching
football
Hookie smiles to the others and hits it a few more times
MALE VOICE (CONT'D)
What did I say you stupid little
prick? Stop it!
Hookie does it again this time with a snicker from Jenny,
DENZEL FOX; the 40 year old owner of the motel dressed in
dirty tight clothes APPEARS he points a shotgun at Hookie
HOOKIE
(Nervous)
Woah be cool
FOX
I FUCKING TOLD YOU, DIDN'T I TO STOP
HITTING MY BELL
Fox slowly lowers the shotgun and grabs the bell holding it
up
FOX (CONT'D)
Fucking ring this again and you'll
end up...
He throws the bell at the far wall and puts the shotgun down,
than he gathers his composure and looks at Hookie
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
47.
FOX (CONT'D)
Good evening, how may I help you?
HOOKIE
We need 2 rooms
MR. CUTTER
Three
HOOKIE
Yeah three.
Hookie looks up at the doll and it winks at him, he shakes
his head
JENNY
What is it?
A large trucker bursts through the front doors; he is
DARTMANN, a 36 year old fat man dressed in dirty overalls
and with an unshaven face
DARTMANN
Ah, fuck me on Tuesday.
Everyone turns there attention to him
DARTMANN (CONT'D)
What the fucks you looking at? Do I
have something on my face?
FOX
Not you again, piss off
DARTMANN
There is no fucking way my ass is
going back out there, none. So either
you'll get used to me coming by or
fucking quit bitching you raunchy
doll fucker
JENNY
I beg your pardon?
DARTMANN
Please, don't beg, it's embarrassing
HOOKIE
It's a figure of speech used by normal
people
DARTMANN
So, youse saying I ain't normal, is
you? Fuck, I have your normal right
here.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
48.
He grabs his crotch, than smells his fingers
DARTMANN (CONT'D)
But I do need a bath, I'll take a
room, my usual room
Jenny mocks throwing up and than they all turn away
INT. HONEYMOON SWEET - NIGHT
Hookie and Jenny walk in and throws there bags on the floor,
the room itself is dumpy with a large red heart shaped bed,
red drapes and a red carpet finish up the red scheme Hookie
jumps on the bed and rears his butt in the air
HOOKIE
You want to?
JENNY
Now? Isn't it a little early?
HOOKIE
Who cares?
Lock the door Jenny goes through her bag and pulls out
handcuffs.
Hookie smiles at her and starts to undress
INT. ROOM - NIGHT
Dolls cover all the dressers and appliances, Donald and
Candice sit on there bed looking around at the walls
CANDICE
You tired?
DONALD
Not really, I want to watch the news,
the nice man always tells me what
happens tomorrow and I want to hear
it
CANDICE
Okay, come to bed when you're done
Donald gets up and leaves the room, Candice walks into the
bathroom
INT. ROOM 2 - NIGHT
Mr. Cutter is already asleep, his briefcase neatly placed
beside the bed with his clothes and shoes
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
49.
INT. LA LOCO HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
A television plays in the back room and the counter area is
abandoned
INT. LA LOCO HOTEL - BACK ROOM - NIGHT
Denzel Fox sits in a rocking chair across from a dozen or so
different looking china dolls, he pats the one in his arms
on the head and smiles a grin revealing some dirty teeth
FOX
Don't worry babies, Daddy won't let
mommy get you Fox continues stroking
the dolls ratted hair when a loud
crash is heard from the lobby, he
jumps up and runs
INT. LA LOCO HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
The glass case containing The Molly Dolly is on the ground
in pieces, Fox runs in and sees this
FOX
No, you can't have them, you can't
MOLLY DOLLY POV - LOOKING DOWN FROM A HANGING LIGHT, FOX
LOOKS UP DIRECTLY AT THE LIGHT
FOX (CONT'D)
A-ha I found you, what's that in
your hand?
The Molly Dolly pulls out a knife and giggles like a little
girl
MOLLY DOLLY
Lookie what I found
FOX
Molly, now you put that away
MOLLY DOLLY
I see you with all those little
whores, you fucked with me for the
last time!
Molly Dolly flies from the light and lands on Fox slicing
his face up and taking a ear clean off, his blood now on the
doll and going everywhere
FOX
Stop! Now, fuck.
He finally knocks the doll off and it's gone, he touches the
back of his head.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
50.
FOX (CONT'D)
This sucks!
Fox falls down to the ground face first with a thud, Molly
Dolly walks in front of him and waves
MOLLY DOLLY
Knock, knock
FOX
(Low whispered voice)
Who's there?
MOLLY DOLLY
Mr. Knife
FOX
(Low whispered voice)
Mr. Knife who?
Molly Dolly raises a knife into the air
MOLLY DOLLY
Mr. Knife you in the back!
The doll begins violently stabbing Fox about the back of the
head and neck.
INT. HONEYMOON SWEET - NIGHT
Hookie is tied to the bed lying on his stomach with his ass
in the air; Jenny dressed as a dominatrix in leather with a
mask carries a whip
HOOKIE
Oh, yes baby, give it to me, I've
been really bad
JENNY
I know, you have been really bad
HOOKIE
Yes, I even pissed on the seat and
left it there for you to sit on.
Jenny softly hits him on the ass
JENNY
Yes, so that was you.
She hits him and little harder and few times, his skin turns
red and he screams in pleasure.
HOOKIE
I looked at your mother, I love to
ride the old bitches!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
51.
Hookie laughs evilly, Jenny hits him really hard causing the
red to escalate to a blue - black color
JENNY
How do you like it?
HOOKIE
More please
JENNY
What do you say?
HOOKIE
Please my dominatrix, ravish my bum
bum
INT. LA LOCO HOTEL - BACK ROOM - NIGHT
Donald is now in the chair watching a porno tape; he moans
and groans as he touches himself with one of the dolls Molly
Dolly is on top of the television staring at Donald
MOLLY DOLLY
You like that don't you?
Donald startled stops and looks around thinking he's caught
DONALD
I'm sorry... Hookie? Are you there?
MOLLY DOLLY
Do I sound like a man?
DONALD
No. Then who are you?
MOLLY DOLLY
I'm The Molly Dolly, the owner of
this motel... the sole owner.
The Dolly giggles in a girly playful voice, Donald continues
to look around
DONALD
Whe...Where are you?
MOLLY DOLLY
In front of you!
Donald looks directly at the doll not realizing that whose
talking
DONALD
I don't see you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
52.
The Molly Dolly stands up and jumps into his lap, Donald is
frozen in fear
MOLLY DOLLY
I don't scare you? Can you do
something for me, Donald?
DONALD
(In a trance)
Ok.
MOLLY DOLLY
Kill the dolls, all of them. They
torment me and they stole my husband.
Molly Dolly pulls herself up Donald's shirt and sits on his
shoulder, the doll whispers in his ear and Donald's frozen
expression turns to that of a smile
INT. ROOM - NIGHT
Candice sits up in a cold sweat and sees Donald ripping apart
the dolls that are around the room.
CANDICE
Donald, what are you doing?
Donald continues.
DONALD
Must get rid of them all
CANDICE
What?
Donald turns and looks her in the face
DONALD
The dolls
Candice grabs him around the shoulders
CANDICE
What's wrong, Donald?
DONALD
The dolls, they torment her... must
kill them all!
Candice grabs Donald in a hug
CANDICE
It's alright, baby.
Donald begins to cry loudly
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
53.
DONALD
Must kill... why are you doing this
to me, stop
EXT. ROOM - NIGHT
The Molly Dolly listens through the door, she turns in
disappointment
MOLLY DOLLY
Pussy.
INT. HONEYMOON SWEET - NIGHT
Hookie still tied up is now just laying there still on his
stomach, Jenny walks into the room dressed in a French maid's
uniform carrying a silver dildo and lubricant
JENNY
How bad have you been little doggy?
Hookie smiles and laughs uncontrollably
HOOKIE
Real bad, I drank some toilet water
and than I kissed you.
Jenny lubricates the silver dildo but stops seeing The Molly
Dolly sitting on the end of the bed with a Ken doll in her
arms
JENNY
What the fuck!
Hookie tries to look but cannot because of the way he's tied
HOOKIE
What, what is it?
JENNY
It's that doll from the front!
Jenny faints; The Molly Dolly is now right beside Hookie's
nude butt with the Ken doll still in hand
MOLLY DOLLY
You are very sick, little boy
HOOKIE
Jenny?
MOLLY DOLLY
She's taking a nap
HOOKIE
Who the fuck are you than?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
54.
MOLLY DOLLY
You called me ugly before, that wasn't
nice
HOOKIE
How can you be alive?
MOLLY DOLLY
I am a restless spirit... boo!
HOOKIE
I have seen Montel; I know how to
get rid of you
MOLLY DOLLY
Really?
HOOKIE
Yes. Go to god, you're dead
MOLLY DOLLY
No, not right now, I have some things
to do first
HOOKIE
Go, bitch. Now!
Hookie struggles to get free but can't, Molly Dolly rubs the
Ken doll on his naked butt sensually
HOOKIE (CONT'D)
What the fuck is that?
MOLLY DOLLY
Another one of my friends, Ken
HOOKIE
What are you going to...
The Molly Dolly smiles and climbs on his butt, she lifts the
Ken doll up into the air and...
Close Up: Hookie's face now turns to that of pain, he screams
and pleads
INT. LA LOCO HOTEL LOBBY -- MOMENTS LATER
Dartmann walks in from outside, he looks around and than
lights a cigar
DARTMANN
That's the shit, Hey Michael J Fox
this is one good cigar.
He starts walking across the floor slipping in a pile of
blood landing right beside a bloody pant leg
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
55.
DARTMANN (CONT'D)
What the f...
He gets to his feet and sees the horrible scene of Fox's
death, Dartmann pukes and than sits in a waiting chair trying
to collect his thoughts
DARTMANN (CONT'D)
Whoa! This is some fucked up shit
MOLLY DOLLY P.O.V
Molly Dolly sneaks around the desk corner looking at Dartmann
who looks straight back
DARTMANN
Hello, little dolly
MOLLY DOLLY
Hi.
The doll giggles and laughs like a little girl, Dartmann
puts his hand out as if calling over a cat Molly Dolly lunges
forward
INT. HONEYMOON SWEET - NIGHT
A blanket is draped over the bed, blood outlines where Hookie
is. A bloody Ken doll lies on the floor with its hands
extended above its head Jenny pulls herself up to the bed
side, she sees Hookie's outline
JENNY
You awake? I had this weird dream
and that doll came alive...
She uncovers Hookie's face and it is distorted from pain,
he's dead and she cries out with a loud scream.
INT. ROOM 2 - NIGHT
Mr. Cutter jumps out of bed hearing the scream, startled he
grabs his briefcase and goes to the door
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
Mr. Cutter merges out of his room, he starts walking down
the hall when Jenny bursts out of her room into his arms
JENNY
We have to leave here
MR. CUTTER
Huh? But why?
JENNY
Hookie is dead!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
56.
Mr. Cutter grabs her hand and they start down the hall to
Donald and Candice's room
INT. ROOM - NIGHT
The door opens, Cutter peeks his head inside to see nothing
but an empty room with a lot of doll insides all over the
place
MR. CUTTER
Someone hates the dolls
JENNY
Let's get out of here!
EXT. LA LOCO HOTEL - NIGHT
Mr. Cutter and Jenny burst through the front doors out into
parking lot, and to the car The Molly Dolly stands in the
doorway behind the doors looking out holding a pair of keys
in hand
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Mr. Cutter sits in the driver seat and Jenny sits shotgun,
Mr. Cutter puts out his hand.
MR. CUTTER
Keys!
Jenny shrugs.
JENNY
I thought you had them
MR. CUTTER
You have got to be kidding me; this
is how all bad things happen. Two
characters get to safety and one,
usually the stupid one played by you
forgets something very important and
than the one the audience most likes
which is obviously me has to go back
in and die... well fuck that, you do
it!
JENNY
I don't think so.
MR. CUTTER
Than we will sit here until she comes
and gets us.
Both cross there arms and stare straight forward, a few
moments pass and Cutter drops his arms to his sides
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
57.
MR. CUTTER (CONT'D)
Fuck it, I'll go. If I die at least
I'll know your next, it's very
comforting to know that.
Cutter gets out and closes the door; Jenny locks them all
behind him
EXT. CAR - NIGHT
Cutter starts to walks away from the car toward the Hotel
entrance, he looks up at the sky
MR. CUTTER
This sucks, why are the men always
lead into dangerous situations? I
mean the women wanted equality so
why can't they do this kinda stuff?
When you answer those questions then
I'll think about risking my life
Cutter sees the keys sitting on the front counter of the
hotel, he smiles and looks up.
MR. CUTTER (CONT'D)
Thank you.
INT. LA LOCO HOTEL - NIGHT
Cutter walks in slowly clinging to the door, he reaches out
holding onto the door but cannot grab the keys. He release
the door and it closes startling him, at the desk he snatches
up the keys
MR. CUTTER
That was so easy.
An Oh Henry chocolate bar hits the floor down a hallway in
front of Cutter.
MR. CUTTER (CONT'D)
Nice try, I hate those things. Got
any Wonderbars?
A Wonderbar hits the floor beside the Oh Henry
MR. CUTTER (CONT'D)
Now that's more like it!
Cutter licks his lips and walks toward the Wonderbar; he
looks around before bending down and picking it up in his
hands
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
58.
MOLLY DOLLY POV - LOOKING DOWN FROM ABOVE CUTTER WHO HOLDS
THE CHOCOLATE BAR IN HAND
The Molly Dolly giggles and laughs like a little girl; Cutter
pockets the chocolate bar and looks around
MR. CUTTER (CONT'D)
Don't try anything, I know kung fu.
WAA!
MOLLY DOLLY
Mr. Cutter you are the weakest link,
good-bye!
The Molly Dolly dives off the light and is caught in mid air
by Cutter who holds her high above his head and rips her in
half sending ashes all in his face, he grabs at his face and
stops CLOSE UP on Cutter's face as he turns into the camera
with a smile on his face
FADE OUT:
INT. CAVE - UNKNOWN
The Reaper is beside himself with laughter. He holds a Ken
doll in his hands along with a VENTRILOQUIST doll of himself.
REAPER VENTRILOQUIST DOLL
Ken - Barbies asexual ex and an all
around argument stopper! Genius
markereting, I tell you. Sure sells
it to the kiddies.
(beat)
Ah well I'm sure you demented viewers
don't want hear me carry on about
this little thing? I thought not.
He pulls out his scythe and stands up.
THE REAPER
I present to you our next tale, one
that's a battle of good and evil,
attached at the waste! A tale I
call "My Siamese Twin is a Demon!"
Lighting strikes as he slashes the scythe down.
MY SIAMESE TWIN IS A DEMON
FADE IN:
INT. COURTHOUSE - DAY
We open with a CLOSE UP of LEON RENNES, prosecuting attorney.
He is a small man with a bad comb over and coke bottle
glasses.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
59.
He is in the midst of a heated cross-examination.
LEON
Sir, you have been accused of crimes
of a most heinous fashion. I'm I
correct in saying that you plead not
guilty.
He pans the audience with his eyes.
LEON (CONT'D)
Not guilty ladies and gentlemen, it
is my intention to show this as a
fallacy. That is to say an untruth,
by which I am saying that you are
lie and that it was indeed you who
is the murder.
He points to his side.
The CAMERA pans out to reveal the accused is his Siamese
twin: CARTER.
Carter is identical to Leon except without the glasses and
with a moustache.
CARTER
What? I didn't kill the man.
Leon leafs through a folder.
LEON
The evidence states otherwise.
Carter looks annoyed.
CARTER
Then the evidence lies.
LEON
I was there, I saw you kill him.
Carter ponders this.
CARTER
And you did nothing to stop me?
LEON
Well…no I guess I didn't CARTER snaps
his fingers.
CARTER
Then that'd make you an accessory,
right?
Leon places the folder down and looks at Carter.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
60.
LEON
No that would make me a witness, a
TESTIFYING witness.
Carter pauses.
CARTER
Oh, I see.
He drums his finger on the rail and looks around.
He then whispers into Leon's ear.
CARTER (CONT'D)
If I go down, I'm taking you with
me.
LEON
What?
CARTER
Think about it, if I get life in
jail, you'll be right there beside
me, and if I get the needle… well we
share a liver so you'd be equally
screwed. You can't convict me, because
you'd be convicting yourself.
LEON
You sick fuck.
CARTER
I may be but I'm still going to be
acquitted.
Leon takes a breath and looks onto the judge.
LEON
Your honour, I can account for his
whereabouts on the night in question.
We were inside setting up for a dinner
party I was to have later that night.
The Judge sighs.
JUDGE
Then I have no choice but to acquit
him.
He slams the gavel.
JUDGE (CONT'D)
Case dismissed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
61.
There is a slight commotion as the people in the courtroom
prepare to leave.
CUT TO:
INT. COFFEE HOUSE - DAY
Leon and Carter sit inside drinking coffee.
LEON
Carter, you've got to stop killing
people.
CARTER
And you've got to stop prosecuting
me.
LEON
I'm a prosecuting lawyer, we live in
a small town, I can't help it if I'm
the only one for hire. If there's a
job I'll take it.
CARTER
Even if it means getting me convicted?
Leon mutters to himself.
LEON
My Siamese twin is a demon.
CARTER
What'd you say?
LEON
Nothing. Just drink your coffee and
let's go.
CARTER
Sure.
He takes a sip.
CARTER (CONT'D)
Darn it's decafe, I fucking hate
decafe.
LEON
Well then don't tip them.
Carter laughs.
CARTER
When do I?
CUT TO:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
62.
EXT. RENNES HOUSE - TWILIGHT
The house is a lone gothic house in the suburbs.
Leon and Carter walk up the long drive.
LEON
We should really think about
remodeling.
CARTER
I think it has class.
LEON
True, and it's probably more valuable
if the original frameworks left
intact.
CUT TO:
INT. RENNES HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
The two of them sit watching jeopardy.
Carter answers the questions with incredible accuracy.
LEON
You really should consider being a
contestant.
CARTER
No, I'd freeze in front of an
audience.
He answers another question.
CARTER (CONT'D)
Besides, everyone knows the answers
at home, but when they actually get
there they don't know jack.
LEON
You should still consider.
Carter turns away and answers another question.
CARTER
What is… The doorbell rings.
CARTER (CONT'D)
Can you get that.
ALLY (O.S.)
I'm sorry that is incorrect. The
answer was copper.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
63.
He turns off the TV and they head towards the door.
CUT TO:
INT. RENNES HOUSE - ENTRANCE WAY
Leon opens the door.
He is greeted by BARBARA, a stepford wife who wears a
perpetual grin and holding a plate of lobster.
BARBARA
Good golly, I must be early.
Leon smiles.
LEON
No you're right on time. Here, step
inside.
Carter turns towards him and then looks at Barabara.
CARTER
Could you give us a sec?
They step off to the side.
CARTER (CONT'D)
What the hell is this?
LEON
I'm having a get together with a few
people from the firm.
CARTER
I wasn't notified about this.
LEON
Of course you were notified, I've
told you several dozen times.
CARTER
I mustn't been paying attention.
LEON
How can you not pay attention, I
fucking live next to you.
CARTER
It's a gift and a curse.
Leon sighs and Barbara interrupts.
BARBARA
Is there anything wrong?
Leon and Carter turn towards her.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
64.
LEON
Ah, no, we were just discussing
whether we should bake or broil the
turkey.
Barbara gasps.
BARABARA
Well bake of course; you'd be simply
mad to do otherwise.
She chuckles to herself.
CARTER
Yes. I reckon you would be.
CUT TO:
INT. RENNES HOUSE - KITCHEN
Leon and Carter stand in the kitchen surveying a turkey on
the counter.
LEON
No you can't kill her.
CARTER
Come on, she's a Stepford wife, a
fucking June Cleaver.
LEON
She's still my secretary.
Carter picks up a knife.
CARTER
And, it would only take a sec, you
know, badda bing badda boom, she's
gone and everyone's happy and nobody's
the wiser.
Leon takes away the knife.
LEON
I won't let you kill anymore.
Carter picks up an ice mallet.
CARTER
Or we could bash her over the head.
LEON
No! I simply won't have it in this
house.
CARTER
Fine.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
65.
He places the mallet down.
Leon goes back to putting spices on the turkey.
Carter reaches over the stove and picks up a frying pan.
Leon turns to him.
LEON
Come on stop that.
CARTER
What?
They wrestle to grab the pan.
As they do, BARBARA walks in behind LEON.
LEON
I said give it… CARTER lets go.
LEON (CONT'D)
Here!
The pan thuds against her face and leaves a cartoon style
impression.
She falls to the floor.
Leon looks on the horror.
CARTER
Good god man, you killed her!
LEON
Me? I was trying to stop you.
CARTER
Well the forensics says otherwise.
Leon glances at the clock.
LEON
Oh, they'll be here any minute. What
am I going to do? I can't go to gaol.
Carter picks up a butcher knife.
CARTER
But you can make soup.
LEON
Are you saying we cook her? Well I
couldn't .
CARTER
Ah, but I could.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
66.
He brings the knife towards the ground.
CUT TO:
INT. RENNES HOUSE - DINING ROOM
Five people along with LEON and CARTER sit at the table.
They are: Ben Carrington, Clifton Humford, Charles Red, Linda
Hutch, and Tina Smith
CLIFTON
Well I do say this soup is delicious.
CHARLES
Just don't slurp your soup, dear.
TINA
It's simply to die for.
BEN
What'd you put in it?
Carter smiles.
CARTER
We can't say.
BEN
I see, and old family secret, eh?
Leon looks on nervously.
LEON
Well it's actually a rather new one.
CHARLES
Well it's a damned good soup, a damned
good soup.
He takes another bite.
Leon looks over towards Linda who isn't eating.
LEON
Don't you want to give it a try?
LINDA
I'm not feeling all that well. I
guess I'll stick with TUMS and water.
CARTER
Sorry to hear that.
LINDA
It's nothing but a slight bother.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
67.
LEON
Well, it's still a bother, and I
hope you fell better.
LINDA
Thanks.
Charles puts down his soup.
CHARLES
Encore, encore!
He laughs boastfully.
Carter stands up.
CARTER
If you'll excuse us for a moment, I
have some business I must attend to.
They leave.
TINA
So are you going to promote him.
CHARLES
Of course, hell and I give a round
to everyone.
TINA
Have you been drinking again?
CHARLES
I only drink till I'm merry.
TINA
Well you're already a laughing fool.
CHARLES
Then bring on the wine.
CUT TO:
INT. RENNES HOUSE - BATHROOM
Leon and Carter look into the mirror.
LEON
I still can't believe you did that.
CARTER
Well what else were we to do?
LEON
Buried the body.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
68.
CARTER
Oh, right.
There is a moment of silence.
LEON
Well let's not have anymore murders
in this house.
CARTER
Right then.
CUT TO:
INT. RENNES HOUSE - DINNING ROOM
Charles sits up.
CHARLES
Well I have to answer the call of
the wild.
He leaves.
CUT TO:
INT. RENNES HOUSE - BATHROOM
Leon and Carter still stand by the mirror.
CARTER
To the party then?
LEON
Yes.
CUT TO:
INT. RENNES HOUSE - BACK HALLWAY
Charles walks towards a long winding staircase.
Directly at the top is a door: the bathroom.
As he does he hums a tune.
He begins to climb the stairs.
CUT TO:
INT. RENNES HOUSE - BATHROOM
Carter and Leon walk over to open the door.
They open it.
CUT TO:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
69.
INT. RENNES HOUSE - STAIRWAY
The door smacks into CHARLES.
LEON
Shit.
Charles tumbles down the stairs.
With each thud Leon and Carter cringe.
He lands at the foot of the steps: dead.
CUT TO:
INT. RENNES HOUSE - DINNING ROOM
Linda takes a sip of water and looks towards the door on the
right.
LINDA
Did you here that?
Tina turns towards her.
TINA
It was probably just Charles, drunk
off his ass as usual.
They laugh.
CLIFTON
Remember his eggnog rendition of the
"Friends" theme.
BEN
Or "Oh Christmas Tree" in AA minor.
He chuckles at his own joke.
CLIFTON
Or what about the time that he called
Tina a sexy beast?
Tina glares at him.
TINA
You can't deny truth.
Linda smiles, and takes a sip of wine, she is drunk.
LINDA
I know you're a sexy beast.
Ben and Clifton turn towards each other and grin.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
70.
BEN/CLIFTON
Lesbians, all right!
They high five each other.
CUT TO:
INT. RENNES HOUSE - BACK HALLWAY
Leon and Carter stand at the foot of the steps.
They look over Charles body.
CARTER
This was an accident remember? We'll
stuff him in a closet and nobody
will be the wiser.
LEON
You must have a lot of skeletons in
your closet.
CARTER
I guess I do.
They pick up the body and drag it down the hall.
The open a CELLAR DOOR and toss the body down.
LEON
So shall we go back to entertaining
our guests?
CARTER
Let's.
CUT TO:
INT. RENNES HOUSE - DINNING ROOM
Leon and Carter arrive back at the DINNING ROOM.
The guests are all drunk, except LINDA, who seems have sobered
up a bit.
LEON
This really feels like work.
Ben begins to laugh then choke.
He coughs up a diamond ring. He looks at it the tosses it
aside.
CLIFTON
So where's Charles?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
71.
CARTER
Charles?
(beat)
Oh, we ran into him on our way
downstairs.
He said he had to get going.
TINA
Really, he seemed pretty slammed.
LEON
Don't worry we called a cab for him.
LINDA
That's good.
Ben places his glass down and looks at Tina and Linda.
BEN
So are you two going to kiss or what?
Linda laughs and Tina looks at him flirtatiously.
BEN (CONT'D)
Awesome.
LINDA
Men.
BEN
That's why you're with a chick.
He gives a thumbs up.
CLIFTON
Anyhow, are you going to give a tour
of your house?
TINA
Yeah, it looked beautiful on the
outside.
Leon and Carter look at each other.
Leon hesitates.
CARTER
Why not?
CUT TO:
INT. RENNES HOUSE - ENTRANCE WAY
The four remaining guests stand by the doorway.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
72.
Behind Leon and Carter is a large picture of an aristocratic
man sitting atop a large doorframe.
Above that is a hallway and right below, that is a chandelier.
Carter eats a banana.
LEON
This portrait is by a man by the
name of Campbell…
CARTER
It is of our great grandfather
Reginald Rennes.
Ben glances at the picture of Reginald which looks like
Carter.
BEN
Hey Leon, this guy looks like you,
except with a moustache.
The others agree.
LEON
Very well then; moving on… He walks
through the door.
The others follow.
CUT TO:
INT. RENNES HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
A large and grandeur room, at one end is a fireplace, at the
other a large bookshelf that encompasses half the room.
CARTER
Built in 1893 this room was the sole
embodiment of what was the Rennes
legacy.
He points to the chairs.
LEON
These chairs are mahogany and ivory
draped in the finest Italian leather.
CARTER
That same mahogany and ivory blend
is…
CUT TO:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
73.
INT. RENNES HOUSE - UPSTAIRS
The group is on an upstairs hallway that overlooks the
entranceway.
LEON
Used in that banister.
The guests admire the rail.
Carter takes another bite of the banana and throws the peal
on the floor.
CARTER
If you'll follow us… and oh, watch
your step.
As he says this Ben slips over the peel and falls over the
rail.
TINA
Ben!
There is a few seconds of silence.
BEN (O.S.)
Don't fret, I'm quite alright.
The others look over the rail to see that Ben has landed
atop the chandelier.
BEN (CONT'D)
I just bloody hate heights.
TINA
We'll be right for you, just hold on
for a sec…
(beat)
I want to see the rest of this house;
it looks marvelous.
BEN
Well hurry.
The rest of the group continues on, leaving Ben on the
chandelier.
CUT TO:
INT. RENNES HOUSE - UPSTAIRS STUDY
The room is perfectly preserved.
A desk lies in one corner: upon it a notebook with scribbled
notes and a quill pen.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
74.
CARTER
Ah, the study, of tranquility and
luxury…
LEON
It is a place where a man can
articulate and finish his own personal
thoughts.
The group looks around.
They walk through the room to a large window in the centre.
Outside the window is a garden surrounded by a large white
picket fence.
LINDA
It's beautiful.
CARTER
It was our families past time
devotion.
LEON
Yes the garden, where art is a
science.
Tina walks over towards the book.
TINA
What do we have here?
Carter turns.
TINA (CONT'D)
Some personal musings, perhaps?
Carter rushes over.
CARTER
Yes they are personal musings…
He slams the book shut.
CARTER (CONT'D)
Very personal musings.
Tina turns away, taken aback by the gesture.
TINA
Why I never… She starts walking away.
Carter and Leon follow her out of the room.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
75.
LEON
Come on now, he meant nothing of it.
CUT TO:
INT. RENNES HOUSE - NIGHT
Tina hurries down the hallway.
Carter and Leon follow close behind.
TINA
I'm tired of your ignorance.
She walks down the stairs.
TINA (CONT'D)
Your blatant rudeness.
Carter calls from atop the stair.
CARTER
Mind you that you're the one whom
found it appropriate to glance into
our personal affairs.
Tina hurries down into the entranceway.
TINA
Yes, I glance at your affairs, and I
know. I know of your twisted delusions
and gleeful manipulation of the law.
That I know.
She takes a few steps until she stands under the chandelier.
TINA (CONT'D)
And I also know you'll never get
away with it. The police will come.
There are witnesses! Clifton, Linda,
and...
The chandelier begins to fall.
TINA (CONT'D)
Ben!
The chandelier lands on her crushing her in a bloody pulp.
Carter and Leon step towards the scene.
Behind them, at a distance are Clifton and Linda.
CARTER
How unfortunate.
He turns towards the others.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
76.
CLIFTON
You're fucking crazy Leon.
LEON
Me? He's the bastard who did the
killings. I had nothing to do with
that, we're connected at the liver.
LINDA
The liver, doesn't that grow back?
You could've been separated years
ago.
CARTER
Oh really?
He picks up a sword that is hanging on a plaque. He chucks
it like a javelin spearing Clifton in the chest.
Linda runs.
Carter walks over to the Oswald's body and pulls the sword
out; a heart is stuck on the end. He swings it and then it
flies off and splatters on the wall.
LEON
Linda! The back door, go out the
back door!
CARTER
So know you're helping the victim.
Die!
Leon begins to run and Carter chases after him swinging the
sword.
He ducks. They run upstairs.
LEON
Linda wait, I want to help you.
CARTER
And I want to kill you!
They walk into the study. Linda is by the window.
Carter advances and pulls the sword out.
LINDA
It's too late; I've already called
the police.
CARTER
You fool!
HE raises the sword.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
77.
LEON
I won't let you!
He charges at the window.
CARTER
Nooo!
They crash through the window. Carter and Leon scream and
the screen goes black.
CUT TO:
EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT
Leon opens his eyes and stares at the ground.The sound of
sirens are heard in the background.
Carter has been impaled by the white picket fence. Leon
hangs on the fence, suspended inches from the ground.
A POLICE OFFICER walks beside him.
POLICE
Sir you have the right to remain
silent. Anything you do, can and
will be used against you in a court
of law.
The screen fades to black.
CUT TO:
INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
Dawn breaks as Leon lies on a hospital bed.
Carter is no longer attached and a large amount of gauze is
wrapped around his side.
A nurse tends to him.
LEON (V.O.)
People always ask which ones the
evil twin: in my case that answers
was clear. But then again they say
that you become a part of each other,
so could that same evil dwell inside
me?
A bird chirps outside and a cheery song begins to play.
FADE OUT:
EXT. CAVE -- UNKNOWN
The Reaper looks his side.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
78.
THE REAPER
Oh Siamese twins, the memories that
brings back...
(beat)
But anyway, now for our final story
of the night. Which will make you
never look at the animals in question
the same way again: Chris Shalom's
"The Cows"
He laughs.
CUT TO:
THE COWS
INT. FARMHOUSE BEDROOM - NIGHT
A digital alarm clock's red display sheds the only light on
the room: 3:13 A.M.
Two figures lying in bed are faintly visible. The one on
the left grunts then sits up. This is JIMMY BOB (60), a
Vietnam vet turned cow farmer. He speaks to his wife, MARY-
SUE (58) with a deep, all-American voice.
JIMMY BOB
Guess it's about that time again.
MARY-SUE
Ahh Christ Jimmy, give it a rest.
If you're looking for sympathy you'll
get none from me, I can tell you
that right goddamn now.
JIMMY BOB
Well FUCK you, Mary-Sue, you better
have my god-damn coffee hot 'n' ready
when I get back in.
MARY-SUE
If you come back at all, you old
fuck.
Jimmy Bob now speaks in a different tone of voice, more
worried.
JIMMY BOB
Don't joke about that, Mary.
(beat)
Betsie's got that look to'er again.
There's something about those
eyes…makes you think like you're
starin' at the apostate Angel hi'self.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
79.
EXT. FARM HOUSE - NIGHT
BETSIE the cow is standing on her hind legs and addressing
the cows gathered around her in a deep, gravelly voice.
BETSIE
..and that day has come, my brethren.
She switches to a literally perfect rendition of JIMMY BOB'S
voice.
BETSIE (CONT'D)
Jimmy Bob Hoolahan, goddamned Vietnam
vet-
Betsie switches back to her own voice.
BETSIE (CONT'D)
Well, that ain't gonna bother us no
more...
Betsie is interrupted by noise, and instantly drops onto
four legs to blend in.
Betsie the cow calmly watches a group of four drunken youths
approach. They stagger up to a cow at the edge of the flock,
laughing and giggling.
The ring leaders are SPIKE (22) and P.J. (24), and they're
gonna tip some cows.
SPIKE
Oh fuck, it's been years since I
done this shit!
P.J.
I never been cow tipping.
With this, P.J. shoves a cow over. Betsie looks on calmly.
Spike laughs, and then pushes a second cow.
SPIKE
It ain't all it's cracked up to be,
but it's sure as hell better'n sitting
back in the van holding our dicks.
The loser of the youth group, EUGENE (19), speaks up in a
gawky voice, attempting to emulate "cool".
EUGENE
Maybe we should find some bitches to
hold our dicks for us.
Spike turns to Eugene with contempt.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
80.
SPIKE
Shut the FUCK up, Eugene, or I'll
reach up your ass and rip out your
trachea!
The four youths laugh as the cows lie on their side, and
then snap to worry as the farmhouse door slams open, covering
them with Jimmy Bob's silhouette.
CRANK ZOOM into Jimmy Bob's face.
JIMMY BOB
Jesus Christ almighty, looks like we
got us some cow tippers.
From behind the door, Jimmy Bob pulls a customized, fully
automatic MP5 with an attached scope. He brings it up to
his eye, switches to burst fire, and squeezes the trigger,
laughing manically as he sweeps the barrel back and forth.
Eugene dives for cover and is saved.
The cow tippers except for Eugene, along with several unlucky
cows, explode in a veritable storm of bullets, blood, and
gore. Spike has a second to talk..
SPIKE
Aw what the fuck!
..before his head is blown to pieces.
The gunfire ceases. Jimmy Bob stands breathing heavily,
looks around with satisfaction, and then switches the clip
and turns to put the gun back in its place.
Turning back, his smile turns to a grimace of terror at some
off-screen creature.
JIMMY BOB
Aw no, please don't-
The deep, gravelly voice speaks without mercy.
BETSIE
That wasn't nice, now was it, Jimmy?
Jimmy Bob is kicked in the testicles by a cow hoof, and as
he crumples onto his knees, another hoof stands on top of
his head, crushing his skull against the floor.
Betsie looks up as a coffee pot crashes onto the floor.
Mary-Sue is in the hall, confused, scared out of her mind.
BETSIE (CONT'D)
You may go. I have no quarrel with
you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
81.
Mary-Sue is petrified. Betsie slowly turns to walk away,
but just as Mary-Sue breathes a sigh of relief, Betsie SNAPS
back, grinning as evilly as a cow can grin.
BETSIE (CONT'D)
Just kidding.
Mary-Sue screams.
SLAM CUT TO BLACK:
EXT. TRUCK STOP - DAY
A businessman, MR. LAKIN (31), stands in a phone booth,
speaking clipped, quickly, and with a cold anger. He glances
at a group of joggers running south along the road.
MR. LAKIN
Don't give me that bullshit, okay,
Jack? What? WHAT? I said don't
give me that bullshit. We've been
over this before, and I sure as hell
don't want to go over it again. I-
Mr. Lakin almost loses his train of thought as he notices a
large herd of cows approaching from the south towards the
group of joggers, but then snaps back to his deal.
MR. LAKIN (CONT'D)
I don't give a fuck, Jack, I really
don't. Can you hear me care? Can
you hear me care? Right. You know
why that is Jack? Because I don't
fucking CARE!
Mr. Lakin watches the cows pass from his vision behind one
end of a large truck, and the joggers do the same at the
other end. A fat trucker casually climbs into the truck.
MR. LAKIN (CONT'D)
You get it here tonight, no, I don't
care, you get it here tonight, or
they'll be dragging your ass outa my
office with a hole twice the size of
the one it came in with. You got
that?
The cows slowly pass the truck, continuing on. The joggers
do not re-emerge from behind the truck, and as it pulls away,
Mr.Lakin realizes why. The mangled bodies of the joggers
lie in the road, hot blood in the sun.
MR. LAKIN (CONT'D)
My god.
He slams the phone down, dials again, and waits anxiously.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
82.
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
SHERIFF TRESSLER (50), tough with grey hair and hard eyes,
slams his phone down. He glances over at DEPUTY LODGET (39),
a boorish officer who is frenziedly consuming a box of donuts.
His eyes pass on to DEPUTY MILTON (29), a thick-necked, blonde-
haired, blue-eyed police officer who is polishing a large
shotgun.
TRESSLER
Milton!
Milton glances up slowly. His voice comes as slowly as his
thoughts.
MILTON
Yeah?
TRESSLER
Finish polishing that sucker, we're
going out. Think you can still pull
your ass out of that chair, Lodget?
Lodget nods yes. Crumbs fall out of his mouth.
TRESSLER (CONT'D)
This is probably nothing, but unless
anyone's got anything better to do..
(beat)
Didn't think so. Let's do it.
INT. POLICE CAR - DAY
Tressler sits at the steering wheel, with Milton in the front
of Lodget in the middle back seat.
They sit in silence for a time as Tressler patiently waits
for a car to move ahead of them. Finally, he gets impatient.
TRESSLER
Goddamnit, may as well take that new
road they put in.
As he turns onto a small dirt road, with areas of construction
still visible, Milton appears to have a thought.
MILTON
I don't.
TRESSLER
What?
MILTON
I don't have anything better to do.
Tressler just stares at Milton for a moment.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
83.
TRESSLER
Thank you, Milton.
INT. POLICE VAN - DAY
On another road, which is surrounded by forest, a high
security police van bumps away. In the back is JON ARCHER
(30), a black-haired, average but intimidating criminal who
is heavily strapped in.
Two security guards sit by him with shotguns. They are JONES
(42) and TILES (28).
TILES
No shit, he bit off a guy's ear?
He turns to Archer.
TILES (CONT'D)
You bit off a guy's ear?
Acher lazily leans his head towards Tiles.
ARCHER
You'll find that stories about me
are greatly exaggerated.
Tiles leans back, slightly disappointed, until ARCHER starts
up again.
ARCHER (CONT'D)
I didn't want to ruin the ear, so I
used a razor. Sharpened it to be
safe, in his elbow joint…you'd be
surprised how well that works,
grinding it between the bones.. if
you can put up with the screaming,
that is. The razor really just slid
through after that. Had a tougher
time shoving it into his elbow than
I did with the rest. I kinda like
the screaming myself, reminds me of
home. Where the heart is, right?
Tiles doesn't look particularly happy to hear any of this.
Jones just bursts out laughing.
INT/EXT. POLICE CAR - DAY
The police car drives through a thick fog.
Tressler looks around, growing more and more worried. Milton
is clearly oblivious to anything going on, and Lodget is
engrossed by his box of donuts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
84.
INT. POLICE VAN - DAY
Jones leans over to check Archer's restraints. They look
fine. He speaks to Tiles.
JONES
So, kid, where you live?
Tiles is now completely freaked out by Archer.
TILES
I'd rather not talk about it with
him in here, to be honest.
JONES
Ahh come on, he isn't getting out.
TILES
I just...don't want to.
JONES
Alright alright, don't have a cow.
INT/EXT. POLICE CAR - DAY
Tressler is now quite worried.
TRESSLER
Goddamnit, I can't see any-
Suddenly, his headlights fall on a cow in the fog.
Tressler Desperately swerves, and finds this to be a bad
move as he slams into the police van coming out of the fog.
The police car goes flying through the air.
BIRDS EYE - POLICE VAN
The van, meanwhile, rolls onto its side, the back doors flying
open. JONES, TILES, and, unfortunately, ARCHER, spill out.
It seems that most of ARCHER'S restraints are broken or loose.
All three men are clearly hurt.
INT. "HUNGRY WOLF" - DAY
DEBBIE ALLEN (24), the sexy homecoming queen, sits with
friends JAYNIE TRESSLER (22), an attractive woman though she
clearly doesn't try, and LILY TOWERS (24), a young waitress
who works at the Hungry Wolf.
THE HUNGRY WOLF is a fast food joint trying to pretend its
high class and failing miserably. The three women ignore
this, though, as they paw through an old yearbook, laughing
hard and having a hell of a time.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
85.
DEBBIE
Hey, there's Brent Fink! Remember
dopey Brent Fink?
JAYNIE
What a dork!
DEBBIE
Remember, the guys always used to
hang him from the flagpole and stuff
frogs in his shorts?
LILY
What a loser! Whatever happened to
him, anyway?
JAYNIE
He's still the principal. Not the
happiest guy I've ever known.
Their laughter slowly abides.
DEBBIE
How is the waitressing going, anyway?
You never really mention it.
LILY
You never really ask, bitch.
JAYNIE
You suck it in the back for extra
cash don't you.
LILY
Oh come on, Jaynie.
DEBBIE
Hmm, I could handle that.
JAYNIE
Are girls extra Lily?
Lily resigns herself to the joke.
LILY
You're first time free, Jaynie, friend
benefits.
The three are laughing merrily by now. When they have calmed
down a bit, Lily talks again.
LILY (CONT'D)
Nah, I can't really complain. Pay's
better'n you would expect, work's
work, you know.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
86.
DEBBIE
Yeah…yeah.
At this moment, a good looking young man, JAMES FINK (29),
approaches the table, speaking to Lily.
JAMES
Hey Lily. Hey girls. Look Lily, I
was wondering if we could discuss
that, uh-
LILY
oh! Sure. If you'll excuse me, you
two…duty calls.
(whispers)
Might be a promotion!
Lily leaves the table with James, where they walk through a
door into the back.
Jaynie pantomimes vigorous oral sex while Debbie silently
smirks.
DEBBIE
Why you gotta be such a rude bitch
all the time, Jaynie?
JAYNIE
Human nature, sweetheart.
Through the window, a man being stomped to death by cows
becomes visible as Jaynie leans back.
EXT. SCHOOLYARD - DAY
A pristine school sits on a hill overlooking the town. A
large sign reads "GUILDSMEYER SECONDARY SCHOOL".
In the distance, the cow stomps the man to death, unnoticed
by BRENT FINK (55), the bumbling school principal.
Brent is hanging by his shorts from the flagpole, his small
wiry frame swaying in the wind. His pretty wife, DONNA (45)
approaches.
DONNA
Brent, I've been thinking. This
restraint order isn't enough. I
want a divorce.
BRENT
(meek)
Well...are you sure that's what you
want, dear?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
87.
DONNA
Yeah, but listen, I'm gonna keep all
of your stuff after the divorce.
BRENT
Um… everything? Except the books,
right?
DONNA
Well...I'll look through those. I'd
rather not cut firewood this winter.
BRENT
Oh, I see.
DONNA
Well I'm glad that we got this cleared
up, Brent. I brought this for you.
It was a bit rusted, so no point in
me keeping it.
She lays down a large frying pan. She turns to leave, and
then turns back.
DONNA (CONT'D)
Oh! One more thing. I know we had
a bit of a disagreement over that
restraining order-
BRENT
Yeah! Um, about that-
DONNA
Well we need this divorce to go
smoothly, alright? So let's just be
clear…if you feel the need to, you
know, speak up in court like you did
last time…I'm gonna break it this
time.
Brent snaps his mouth shut nervously.
DONNA (CONT'D)
Thanks for making the time, sweetie.
Donna walks away. A frog jumps out of Brent's pants, ribbits
once, and then falls to the ground.
EXT. GRASSY HILL - DAY
Wood halves go flying as STAN BRIGGS, (34), a good-looking,
manly woodcutter does his job. In the distance, the cow is
visible stomping the man to death, though Stan does not
notice.
Archer walks out of the woods, blood running from his
forehead. Stan splits a last piece of wood and looks up.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
88.
STAN
Nice day, inn't it?
ARCHER
Yeah.
STAN
I'm never so happy as I am on a day
like this.
Archer looks around, and his penetrating eyes instantly spot
the cow in the distance.
ARCHER
What the hell is going on over there?
Stan follows his finger, and stands looking at the cow
stomping the man, mildly stunned. Archer slowly creeps up
behind him, baring his teeth. But Archer does not strike.
STAN
We gotta help that guy!
He quickly turns back to find Archer standing close with
teeth bared. He starts.
ARCHER
Uh…yeah.
Before they have taken a step, a man runs out and begins to
beat the cow with a stick. In the next second, he is swarmed
by cows, and the cow apocalypse begins.
The city streets suddenly seem to be filled with cows, and
Stan and Archer have a view of the entire thing. Men, women,
and children alike are caught outside, and trampled,
headbutted, kicked, or otherwise killed.
STAN
My god.
ARCHER
(muttering)
Bastards beat me to it.
Stan turns.
STAN
Beat you to what?
ARCHER
Hm? Nothing.
(beat)
We need weapons.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
89.
INT. WORKSHED - DAY - MOMENTS LATER
Stan loads up a shotgun while Archer looks on.
ARCHER
What about me?
Stan rummages around, and pulls out an extremely dinky knife.
Archer looks at it with contempt. Glancing around, he pulls
a leather cloth off a shelf to reveal a chainsaw.
He pulls it out and revs it.
ARCHER (CONT'D)
Alright…let's go cure some mad cow
disease.
Both men stand looking at each other, faces agonizingly
straight, and then burst out laughing.
ARCHER (CONT'D)
Nah, seriously, let's go.
INT. "HUNGRY WOLF" - DAY - CONTINUOUS
The restaurant is thrown into chaos as people suddenly realize
what is happening outside.
SCARED CUSTOMER #1
Oh my god!
SCARED CUSTOMER #2
What's happening?
WAITRESS
Bar the doors!
Panic ensues as people rush to bar the doors and others rush
to get away from them. People run everywhere, screaming in
terror. One terrified man screams at everyone as he throws
himself through the windows.
TERRIFIED MAN
Save yourselves!
He is promptly eaten by the cows, who then begin to climb
into the restaurant. Jaynie and Debbie are crouched in the
back, terrified.
JAYNIE
We gotta get Lily!
DEBBIE
In the back!
They turn and rush into the employees only section of the
restaurant.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
90.
INT. RESTAURANT BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Oblivious to the muted noises from outside, JAMES leans back,
his head against the window, clearly enjoying himself
immensely.
JAMES
Ohh yeah…a little slower...oh yeah.
Just like that.
As the camera travels down, James' fingers run through the
hair of Lily. She's sucking it in the back for extra cash.
Suddenly, there is a slight sound of glass breaking, and
James' hands stop moving.
However, his voice continues.
JAMES (CONT'D)
Oh yeah, right there baby, right
there..
As the camera returns to his face, it is revealed that the
top of his head is missing, where Betsie is shoveling his
brains into her mouth with her hooves.
She leans over for a moment to look at Lily, and then talks
in James' voice.
BETSIE
Oh yeah. Right there.
Lily senses that something is wrong. She looks up and starts
to scream. She turns and runs out..
INT. RESTAURANT BACK ROOM - DAY
..and smacks into Jaynie and Debbie, still screaming.
DEBBIE
What's wrong?
JAYNIE
Come on, we gotta get out of here!
DEBBIE
Are you okay?
JAYNIE
She can explain on the way! Let's
go!
EXT. SCHOOLYARD - DAY
Brent Fink watches the cows destroy his home town, and his
face contorts. An evil glint flashes into his eyes. With a
roar, he tears himself from the flag pole, and slides down.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
91.
He picks up the frying pan, and stares at the oncoming group
of cows. They begin to charge into the school, but are
stopped by his loud yell.
BRENT
HEYYYYYY BABY!
The cows turn and look at him.
BRENT (CONT'D)
I'm glad you're all here. I'd been
hoping to discuss your absenteeism.
The cows look at each other, and then charge him.
Brent sweeps through the cows like the Avenging Angel herself,
his frying pan crushing bones and skulls. Blood flies as he
works his way towards the school. No cow can touch him as
he sweeps through.
Brent yells as he is nearly enveloped by cows. For a moment,
all he can do is swing the frying pan every which way, and
then he breaks free.
Blood flies nearly ten feet in the air as Brent lays in.
Brent runs into the school, a few cows following.
INT. SCHOOL - DAY
The schoolchildren, oblivious to the fact that their parents
are probably all dead under the hooves of cows, are listening
to a boring lesson when Brent runs in, covered in blood.
BRENT
School's out.
A cow charges at him. He brains it, shattering its skull
and sending blood everywhere.
BRENT (CONT'D)
What're you all standing around for?
We gotta get to somewhere safe.
The schoolchildren, snapped out of their reveries, flood
past him in a panic. Brent sighs, and rushes after them.
EXT. FOREST - DAY
Tressler shakes himself awake and looks around. There is
blood running down his forehead from a shallow wound.
Milton sits next to him, completely conscious and awake.
Lodget lies unconscious inside the battered police car.
Tressler looks at Milton.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
92.
TRESSLER
How long do you think we've been
out?
MILTON
I dunno. I've been up about half an
hour.
TRESSLER
You've been up half an hour?
Milton nods.
TRESSLER (CONT'D)
It didn't occur to you to wake me up
at any point?
MILTON
Thought you mighta had a broken neck.
TRESSLER
A broken neck.
MILTON
Yeah, you're not supposed to move a
guy after an accident on accounting
for he might have a broken neck.
Tressler snaps to anger, and then collects himself.
TRESSLER
You didn't need to- Alright, let's
get going. Lodget! Get your fat
ass up!
Awakened by Tressler rapping on the window, Lodget groans.
INT. CHURCH - DAY
Jaynie, Lily, and Debbie hurriedly run through the door, a
herd of cows visible behind them. They are accompanied by a
black man named TOKEN (31). When they slam the doors shut,
Token bars them while the women run on.
Token talks in a whiny, high-pitched voice, and seems
perpetually angry about nothing in particular.
TOKEN
Where the fuck you goin? Come back
and help me bar the door! Stupid
fuckers!
Jaynie and Debbie run back to the door, holding it while
Token slides an iron bar into place, holding it shut.
The three slump to the ground, away from the door.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
93.
TOKEN (CONT'D)
Shit, what the fuck are those things?
JAYNIE
Cows.
TOKEN
Those ain't like no cows I've ever
seen, man, I'm telling you there's
something different about those
motherfuckers.
There is an uncomfortable silence after this incredibly stupid
stating of the obvious.
TOKEN (CONT'D)
Yo who the fuck are y'all anyway?
JAYNIE
Jaynie.
There is a pause; neither of the other two bother to introduce
themselves.
JAYNIE (CONT'D)
Debbie and Lily.
DEBBIE
What are we going to do?
JAYNIE
It's probably best if we-
She is cut off by the sound of breaking glass as Eugene, the
cow tipper, throws himself through the church window, cows
snapping angrily at his heels. He rolls into the middle of
the group, and looks up, panting.
EUGENE
Geez!
(beat)
Sorry if I scared you guys.
TOKEN
Man what the fuck you think you done,
baked us a cake?
EUGENE
Uh..no..
TOKEN
I nearly jumped out of my skin, man..
Eugene is flabbergasted.
EUGENE
I apologize..
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
94.
TOKEN
Good, man, apology accepted. You
thank your lucky fuckin stars.
EUGENE
Thank my stars…that you accept my
apology?
Eugene talks again, at the same time as Token.
TOKEN
Right!
EUGENE
Right, right.
TOKEN
I'm glad to hear that you agree.
EUGENE
Um, yeah.
JAYNIE
Where did you come from?
EUGENE
I was up in the hills. I've been
running all morning.
DEBBIE
You mean these things are everywhere?
EUGENE
I don't know. I don't think so.
I'm pretty sure they're all from old
Jimmy Bob's farm up there.
LILY
Look!
Following her finger out the window, everyone sees that most
of the cows have disappeared. A few stragglers are still
walking off in various directions.
DEBBIE
Short attention spans.
LILY
A trap.
TOKEN
Man, what the fuck you talking about?
These are cows, man, they ain't goin
set no fuckin traps!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
95.
DEBBIE
He's right, Lily. I don't think
these things can even communicate
with each other.
Lily is trying to think of a response when there is a loud
rapping on the door. Outside, Brent's muffled voice yells.
BRENT
Open the door! Quickly!
LILY
It's a trap!
DEBBIE
That's a human voice, Lily!
LILY
It's a trap!
DEBBIE
Open the door, Jaynie.
Jaynie is looking at Lily's intense eyes.
DEBBIE (CONT'D)
Jaynie! The door!
BRENT
Please! Quickly!
Debbie shoves Jaynie aside and pulls the door open.
Brent collapses inside, exhausted and covered in blood.
BRENT (CONT'D)
Thank goodness! I was only able to
save one of the poor schoolchildren!
Everyone looks outside. A young schoolchild is carried away
by a cow, her scream fading into the distance.
BRENT (CONT'D)
Fuck!
(beat)
Well, at least all of you are still
alive.
A board swings down from the roof, its nail-bearing end
missing Jaynie by inches.
Everyone stands stunned for a second until JAYNIE lets out a
giggle. They all begin to laugh.
DEBBIE
Well, the irony gods were close on
that...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
96.
A cow hurtles in and tramples her to death.
It continues to trample until Archer leaps down from the
roof, chainsaw first.
ARCHER
HAAA!
The chainsaw comes down on the cow, splattering blood
everywhere.
Everyone is shocked out of their silences. Brent slams the
door shut, while Lily begins to scream.
ARCHER (CONT'D)
What's the matter, you not seen much
action yet?
BRENT
Come now!
He leans over to comfort LILY, who pushes him away.
Stan, blood-splattered and sweaty, swings himself down from
the roof, looking guilty.
STAN
Sorry about the board.
Archer looks around the church.
ARCHER
Well! Isn't this religious. The
minions of good, trapped in a church
and fending off evil.
No-one has much to say to that.
STAN
Alright, what's our game plan?
TOKEN
Man, this ain't no fuckin game, so
we ain't got no fuckin game plan!
ARCHER
Excuse me?
TOKEN
I said this ain't no fuckin game
man, people are fuckin dyin out here!
Archer looks around the room.
ARCHER
Does anybody like this guy?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
97.
There is about one second of silence before Archer shoots
Token in the face.
His body slumps. Everyone just stares as Archer picks up
the corpse, drags it to the window, and throws it out.
In the silence, a radio on Archer's belt goes off. It's
Tressler voice.
TRESSLER
..repeat, does anyone copy?
(pause)
Is there anyone out there?
Archer pulls the radio out.
ARCHER
Yeah, I'm here.
TRESSLER
Who is this?
ARCHER
Deputy Weddle, sir.
TRESSLER
Listen Weddle, we're trapped, I know
this is going to sound crazy, but
we're trapped by-
ARCHER
Cows. I know.
TRESSLER
We're holed up in the Laundromat
across from the church. Where are
you?
ARCHER
The church.
TRESSLER
Weddle, is there any way you can-
He is cut off, and suddenly screams, moos, and gunfire can
be heard through the radio. Archer calmly puts it back on
his belt.
He nods to Stan.
ARCHER
Who else has weapons? We're going
to help them.
No one answers.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
98.
ARCHER (CONT'D)
Y'all aren't still worried about me
shooting that guy, are you? Aw Jesus,
that was coming on two minutes ago!
Get some balls in ya!
He winks at Lily.
ARCHER (CONT'D)
Especially you. HAAAA!
With this battle yell, Archer revs his chainsaw and kicks
the door open.
The room is flooded with cows, who immediately kill everyone
except Brent and Jaynie. Eugene brains a few with his fists.
Then screams as he is ripped apart by Cows, but at least
that makes a change from zombies.
ARCHER (CONT'D)
Oops.
Then the fight begins. Archer runs the chainsaw through cow
after cow, splattering blood everywhere, while Jaynie grabs
Stan's shotgun and begins to mow down the cows.
Brent Fink runs for the back of the church, whimpering.
Hearing this, the doors to the laundromat explode open, and
Lodget, Tressler, and Milton explode out, joining the fight
with guns blazing. The action is incredible.
SOME SPECIFIC MOMENTS -
Archer runs his chainsaw down a cow, splitting it in half.
He then drops his chainsaw, pulling the two halves of the
cow towards him and impaling two cows behind him with the
corpse's horns. He picks the chainsaw up.
Three cows charge Jaynie in single file. She leaps onto the
back of the first cow, spins, and blows its head off from
above.
She drops off the first cow's back straight down between the
legs of the second cow, and, lying on her back, blows its
head off from below.
She rolls back and cracks the third cow upside the chin with
a devastating blow from the shotgun.
Milton, finding himself out of ammo for his shotgun, picks
up an entire cow. He holds it above his head, yelling as he
is gored repeatedly by cow after cow. He brings the cow
down in a vicious circle, killing all the cows near him.
Then, Betsie kills him.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
99.
Lodget bellyflops the first cow he gets close to. Then he
dashes to the church, BRENT appears after him, ready for
action.
Tressler finds himself back to back with Archer. Finding a
cow charging him, Tressler drops and kicks Archer in the
back of the knees.
As Archer topples backwards, his chainsaw cuts through the
cow.
Tressler helps Archer up, shooting two cows with a magnum in
his other hand.
Unfortunately, a cow gores him quickly and quietly, and he
slumps. Jaynie, seeing Archie in trouble, runs to him.
BETSIE
Enough!
The only two left, Archer and Jaynie stand together, looking
at the cows, who circle around them.
Jaynie begins to shell up the shotgun. Archer talks over
his shoulder, keeping an eye on the cows.
Brent appears from the side, bloody too.
Archer, Brent and Jaynie are all covered in blood.
ARCHER
You know, originally I intended to
kill everyone in this town, but you
seem nice. You can come along for
the ride if you want.
JAYNIE
What are you talking about? Now's
no time for jokes, Weddle.
Betsie cuts off Archer's reply.
BETSIE
It has been a pleasure. I shall
spare you two, as well as the cowardly
one in the church.
From inside the church, we hear a death scream as Lodget is
ripped apart. His head flies out a window and rolls along
the ground.
BETSIE (CONT'D)
(beat)
Not the cowardly one.
Betsie turns to walk away.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
100.
ARCHER
Wait, you mean...
BETSIE
Yes?
ARCHER
You mean I get the rest of the town?
BETSIE
To do with them as you will.
ARCHER
Wahoo!
Archer promptly shoots Jaynie. She drops, dead. He aims it
at Brent.
ARCHER (CONT'D)
Fuck you, too… He goes to pull the
trigger but BRENT has already ran
off.
ARCHER
BETSIE
A suggestion, though.
ARCHER
What?
BETSIE
I may spare you, but these cows…they
know nothing of granting boons.
(beat)
After all...they're just cows.
Betsie walks away, around a corner and out of sight. The
cows begin to close in.
ARCHER
You bastard! You goddamn bastard!
The cows close on Archer. Archer's chainsaw sputters into
life as we...
FADE TO BLACK:
INT. CAVE - UNKNOWN
We're back in the cave again and The Reaper is looking
straight at us, a large stopwatch is in his hand - he's
flicking it back and forth in a rather strange, spooky way.
His rotting mouth peels into a grin.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
101.
THE REAPER
Well, kiddies, play time's over. Now
it's back to school again. That is
if your school hasn't been trampled
to the ground by satanic cows...
He breaks into an evil laughter.
Suddenly THE DIRECTOR appears, holding a shotgun. BOOM! He
blasts The Reaper out of frame; a small spurt of rotted,
black blood follows him.
THE DIRECTOR
Dammit! Why'd we have to hire someone
so damn unfunny to do this kinda
thing? Hey, Charlie, see if you can
get Tommy Cooper on the line, maybe
he can do the sequel.
CHARLIE (O.S.)
Tommy Cooper's dead, dude.
THE DIRECTOR
Dammit. What about Charles Brosnan?
CHARLIE (O.S.)
He's gone too. Anyway, he ain't funny
either.
THE DIRECTOR
Everyone's bloody dead or unfunny
these days. Oh well, we might as
well sell this damn thing. Even though
it'll be the biggest box office flop
ever.
The Reaper Ventriloquist Doll suddenly appears from behind
him, lifting up his mini scythe, as we...
FADE OUT:
To the sound of evil laughter.
THE END
Hits the screen and then the credits begin to appear.
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