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Episode 3 In - laws to be or not to be
Raj is sitting in the lounge on a sofa with Jaz lying on his lap. They are both watching television. On the television there is a film on where a boy meets his girlfriends parents and every one is happy.
Jaz smiles while watching the scene- I want you to meet my parents
Raj looks worried
But we have only been going out with each other for two years, don't you think it is a bit soon
Jaz
Well you have to meet them at some point
(Raj mimes behind her backI do?)
They are coming up this way tomorrow so I thought they could pop in.
Raj raises his voice slightly
Tomorrow!
Raj
Ah ah .yeah I guess it will be alright.
That night Raj is having a nightmare about meeting her parents-.
Voice of Jaz in Raj's nightmare
I want you to meet my family, I want you to meet my family, I want you to marry me, I want to you to marry me.
Raj is now moving uncomfortably in his bed.- In his dreams he is sitting at a mandap with his girlfriend all dressed in wedding clothes. Every body is congratulating the couple and feeding him ludos. -the next person says congratulation and feeds him a ludo the next person feeds him a ludo and says congratulations. He looks down the queue of people congratulating him and they all are smiling at him holding boxes of ludos. The next 7 feed him really quickly and then he starts to panic and his head turns into a big ludo. He wakes up in a big sweat. It is now morning and Raj walks down the stairs to the living room where the other house mates are. He looks tired and it is obvious that he hasn't had a good nights sleep
Harj
Looking a bit rough mate
Raj sits down rubbing his head
Raj
Jaz wants me to marry her
John immediately asks
John
Bun in the oven?
Raj
No
Harj
She asked you to marry her?
Raj
No
Raj2
So what make you think she wants to marry you?
Raj
She wants me to meet her parents
Harj
Not the parents.....She doesn't want to marry you. You are already married. She will be turning up in a red sari and a box of matches. Next you will be having kids, buying a house, getting a BMW......
Raj interrupts
Yeah Yeah do you think I don't know all that.
John
I think you need to chill out Raj. All she wants is for you to meet her parents. I have met a few girlfriends parents and I am not married.
Harj
And you're also not Indian. Indian boy meets girls parents equates to you are getting married. We don't make the rules up, that's just the way it is.
Raj2
When are they coming?
Raj
Today
Raj2
Today !......We don't have to tidy the house up do we?.
Raj looks around the living room and see what a state it is
Raj
Yeah I think so. Not only am I getting married, but we have to clean the house up......
Raj gets up to leave the room
Raj
How much stress is a man expected to take.
Raj has left the room. There is silent as the rest of them are still in the room just sitting there vegging.
John
If I married an Indian girl, do you think I will have to get a BMW
Pause
Harj
Nah...You will have to get a WMW
Harj looks at Raj2 and they laugh and slap each others hand
(hi-five)
. John looks confused while the other two are laughing. Raj walks back in the room looking stressed . He stands in the middle of the room looking at the others.
Raj
What do you wear when you meet a girls parents.
Harj
Don't wear red as it will clash with her sari.
Harj and Raj2 slap hands again and start laughing.
Raj
Do you mind laughing and joking when I am not on the verge of having a nervous breakdown.....
Harj and Raj2 stop laughing.
John
I always dressed casual when I met girlfriends' parents.
Harj
I would dress smart. When my brother-in law came to see my sister he wore a suit.
Raj
A suit......
Raj2
Dress traditional. They will love you .
Raj
A traditional casual smart suit.........At least we got that sorted then.
Raj starts walking out the room and is holding his head
Raj
I am on the edge. I am telling you. I am on the edge.
Raj is in his bedroom looking in his wardrobe . Looks at his suit and picks it up, picks his jeans up from of the floor and smells them. Pulls a face as he smells them. Looks in his draws. Closes them and goes back downstairs. He pops his head through the door of the living room.
Raj
I am popping out to get a few things from the shops for when they come. Could you guys do us a favor and start tidying up.
All
Yeah. No probs
Raj sighs
Raj
Cheers
Camera is in the living room. Raj close the door and you hear the front door close.
John
Bagsy not doing the toilet.
Harj
Me neither.
Camera points to Raj2
Raj2
There is no way I am going to do it. There is weird shit growing in there.
Harj
Someone has to do it. Say Jaz's parents want to use it.
John
Why don't we play cards for it.
Raj2
Yeah...We can play for all the chores.
All
That's cool.
Raj2
I will go and get some cards and paper.
Raj 2 leaves the room
John
What shall we play.
Harj
Black jack.
John
That has got about 50,000 different variations.
Harj
21
John
Nah...
Harj
3 card brag
John
Yeah...one open hand for each chore.
Harj
Sounds good
Raj2 walks in with cards and some paper
John
Raj2 we are going to play 3 card brag. One open hand for each chore. The best hand wins the chore.
Raj2 is siting at next to the coffee table with a piece of paper on it.
Raj2
Sounds good. Lets write down all the chores.
Raj2 starts writing the chores down on the paper while everyone dictates the chores
Raj2
The toilet, bathroom, kitchen, living room.
Harj
The hall way and stairs
John
They are not going to go in any of our bedrooms so that is everything......Lets play cards...
Harj deals the cards out. Three cards each all faced down. Raj tears up the list of chores so each piece of paper has a chore on it. Raj2 picks up the piece of paper with the kitchen chore written on it and places it in the middle of the coffee table.
Raj2
We will play for the kitchen first.
Each person turns a cards first, then the second, there is no obvious winner so it all depends on the last card. Every body turns the cards and John looses.
(While this is happening there is the normal tension of a card game)
Raj2 and Harj are bragging that John has to clean the kitchen. John walks to the kitchen.
John
The kitchens no big deal. It is hardly dirty.
John arrives at the kitchen and see that it is a bit of a state.
Harj
And you have to clean the fridge and cooker.
John walks to the fridge and opens it
John
That's disgusting
Raj2 and Harj laugh in the background. John walks back in to the living room and sits down at the coffee table.
John
Come on then. There is no way I can lose twice in a row.
Raj2 deals the cards
Raj2
This one is for the living room
Cut across to Raj who is at the shops. He is walking down the high street carrying bags and a suit in a dry cleaning bag over his shoulder. Raj starts talking in is mind
Raj
Done that, done that, dry cleaning, jeans... um.....shit.....underwear.......
Raj rushes into Marks and Spencer's. Cut back to the living room. The card game is a bit tense now and they are about to play for the last chore. You see that Harj has the most pieces of paper next to him. Raj picks up the piece of paper that has toilet written on it with his finger tips as if the paper was as dirty as the toilet itself. He places the piece of paper in the middle of the coffee table
Raj2
This is it then boys. The toilet.
Raj2 deals slowly putting emphasis on each card he deals. He finishes dealing.
Harj
Is it me to turn first ?
John
Yeah
Harj turns over his card. John turns his, Raj2 turns his. They all then turn over the next card each in turn
(there is a lot of tension now and everybody is looking worried)
. Harj has a pair of aces, John and Raj2 have a beginning of a run. Harj is looking worried. Harj turns over his card slowly. It is a two so his best hand is a pair of Aces. John turns his card and he has a run.
John
Shit
Harj and Raj2
Yeah babe
Harj is happy and is standing up and is doing a jig.
John
Come on turn your card
Raj2
There is no way I am going to beat that.
(Raj2 is feeling pretty confident as he needs an 8 of clubs to get a better run. Raj2 now does a Clint Eastwood impression)
. Are you feeling lucky today. You are thinking how many cards have been dealt. Has the 8 of clubs been dealt or is it at the top of the pack.
This stresses John
John
Just turn your bloody card over.
Harj sits back down and they all look at Raj2 as he slowly turns his card over. It is an 8 of clubs. Raj2 slumps back into the couch. John jumps up and starts dancing and laughing at Raj2. Harj joins in with John.
Raj2
Alright, alright lets get on with it. Raj will be back soon and is going to be even more stressed if we haven't started tidying up.
John
Where is all the cleaning stuff kept.
Raj2 Shrugs his shoulders
Raj2
I don't know.
Harj searches through loads of nasty things in the kitchen under the sink. Harj goes back into the living room
Harj
There is nothing in the kitchen
John
I'll go to the corner shop to get some stuff.
Harj
Ok, be quick yeah.
John leaves. Raj2 start putting rubbish into a carrier bag. Harj is sitting on the couch with a confused look on his face.
Harj
Raj....Where do you reckon the Hoover will be kept?.
Raj2 stops what he is doing and thinks.
Raj2
Do we have a Hoover?
Harj shrugs his shoulders
I know Sukhi has one. I will see if she is in.
Harj leaves. As Harj leaves John returns carry a huge bags of cleaning stuff
Harj
(to John)
I am going to borrow a Hoover from Sukhi.
John
See if she has got any rubber gloves, the shop didn't have any.
Harj Pulls a face
Raj2 is going to need them for the toilet.
John pulls a face. Try and get two pairs.
Harj acknowledges Johns request and leaves. John enters the living room and empties his bags on the couch.
Raj2 Sarcastically says
Are you sure you didn't forget something.
John
Rubber gloves. Harj is going to get them from Sukhi.
Raj2 picks up one of the cleaning items that is now on the couch. He start reading the label
Raj2
"Get rid of all those dog odors with the freshest freshener ever". We don't have a dog !.
John
He said it was the strongest stuff he had.
Harj walks in.
Harj
Alright. We have one Hoover, two pairs of rubber gloves
(Harj looks at the cleaning items on the couch)
and....every possible cleaning item we could ever need. I suppose we better do this thing they call cleaning then.
Harj starts the Hoover, Raj2 and John grab a pair of rubber gloves each and go to the toilet and kitchen receptively. There is back ground music and you flash between each person cleaning their designated rooms. When you cut to Raj2 he is cleaning the toilet and trying not to puke up at the same time as it is so disgusting. John keeps on finding weird things growing in the kitchen. Harj is hoovering the cobwebs from the ceiling. When you pan across again they are almost finishing. Their areas are looking very tidy and they are every proud of themselves. They are all covered in dirt and detergents. They all go back in to the living room and sit on the couch. Raj returns from the shops. He sits down with loads of bags. Harj starts looking through Raj's bags.
Harj
What have you bought then?
Raj
You don't want to know. I hope Jaz knows what she is putting me through.
In the bag Harj is looking in he sees that Raj has bought new boxer shorts.
Harj
Why have you bought boxer shorts ?
Raj
I don't want them to think I wear scanky underwear.
Harj
How is her Mum and Dad going to see your underwear.
Raj very stressed now and picks his bags up
OK OK I won't wear the underwear.
Raj leaves to go to his room
Raj
I am going to get ready. They gonna be here in an hour.
Everyone else is now sitting on the couch.
John
(sarcastically)
At least he isn't stressed anymore. And he was well impressed with how well we have tidied up.
John gets up out of his seat
John
I don't know about you guys but I reckon we deserve a drink.
Harj and Raj2
I think you're right
(they both look around the room admiring how clean the place is)
John comes from the kitchen with three cans of beer which he hands out. They all crack their cans open.
All
Cheers
At this point Raj walks into the room wearing a traditional Indian outfit including sandals and a turban. As he enters everybody looks up and starts laughing.
Raj
I don't know why you are laughing Raj2. You are the one who said they would love me if I dressed traditional.
Raj2
I said that they would love you. I didn't say you would look cool and they would love you.
Raj growls and leaves the room. All start laughing again. They calm down and carry on drinking their beer.
Harj
I have to go to a wedding tomorrow.
John
Cool. I love weddings. Everyone gets slaughtered and the night always finishes with a bit of action with one of the bridesmaids.
Everyone looks at him.
Raj2
Have you ever been to an Indian wedding. We get pissed and only dream about pulling some totty.
John
Why? Are the girls not up for it?
Harj
We're up for it, they're up for it but nothing ever happen because Mr. and Mrs. Durex are always there.
John looks confused
Who are Mr. and Mrs. Durex
Harj
The way Indians practice safe sex. Uncleji and Auntyji.
(Harj puts a voice on as if it is an advert)
Be safe, be wise, don't leave home without it. Uncleji and Auntyji guarantee safe sex....as there won't be any.
John
Downer
Everyone sips on their beer. At this point Raj walks in again looking very smart with a suit on.
Harj
Very slick. I am not sure if it is a bit OTT.
Raj
You said that your brother in-law......oh forget it. What doya reckon. Yes or No?
All shake their head
Nah...
Raj growls and leaves the room. Next scene is Raj in his room taking offj his suit and getting changed. The camera is only on his head so you can't see what he is wearing.
Raj talking to himself
"My brother in-law"..."They love traditional clothes".....Jaz better appreciate this ....and I don't care what happens I am not getting married. I am going to be polite, laugh at their jokes and if it looks like marriage is on the line I have always got my get out of jail card.
(Raj smiles to himself)
.
Raj is now dressed and walks into the living room, to the kitchen and gets a beer. Sits down and cracks it open.
John
I told you to go casual
Raj
Casual it is. And I officially don't care anymore
(sips his beer)
. If it looks like marriage is on the line, I'll just use my -break in an emergency get out of jail card-.
Raj2
You wouldn't?
Raj
Oh yes I would
Raj2
You mean you would actually tell them that you are doing a degree in Acting ?
Raj
Oh yeah
Raj smile and gulps quite a lot of his beer. There is no way they will let her marry me then. I am actually looking forward to them coming now.
John
When are they going to be here?
Raj looks at his watch
In about ten minutes.
Harj
We may as well go down the pub for a bit then and leave you to it.
Every one else gets up to leave. On the way out Raj2 says
Raj2
Have fun.
Raj is left on in own drinking his beer. He replies to Raj2 but to himself as the room is now empty
Raj
Will do
Raj carries on drinking his beer for a few minutes. Then the door bell rings. Raj looks at his watch.
Raj
Right then. Lets get this over and done with.
Raj throws all the cans in the bin, has quick glance of the room and walks towards the front door. He opens the door and screams really loudly. What he sees is his girlfriend wearing a wedding sari, her mum and dad all dress up carrying Indian sweets, a bharat coach parked outside with loads of people getting off, a dhol drum being played. He quickly shuts the door and breathes really heavily. After a few seconds he opens the door slowly and peeps outside. This time he sees just his girlfriend and her mum and dad dressed in normal clothes. Raj greets them and acts overly polite. Everyone has a puzzled look on their faces as to why he screamed out.
Raj
Sasrikal, Sasrikal. Come in. come in
Raj directs them to the living room. His girlfriend gives him a really strange look. Everyone is gathered in the lounge, smiling politely at each other.
Raj
Let me take your coats
They give him their coats.
Raj
Sit down, sit down. I will be straight back.
Raj leaves the room dumps the coats upstairs and quickly returns. Raj is looking rather nervous.
Raj
What would you like to drink. Tea or Coffee?
Dad
Tea will be fine
Mum
Tea will be is fine
Jaz
Tea's fine
Raj goes in to the kitchen to make the tea. He opens the cupboard where the tea is kept.
Raj
Shit
He searches hurriedly through all the cupboards and can not find any tea. He sneaks out the back door, crawls under the window of the living room and over the wall and runs to the corner shop and buys tea, milk, biscuits and cake. While he is at the shop the Mum and Dad asks Jaz to check whether everything is OK in the kitchen. Jaz goes into the kitchen and looks very puzzled as Raj is not there. She goes back to her parents and gives the impression everything is OK.
Jaz. He is fine, he will just be a few minutes.
Raj returns with the stuff he has bought. Boils the water and goes to get some dishes. He sees that John has washed the dishes English style and that the whole draining rack and dishes are covered with fairy
( this will be exaggerated with huge amounts of soap suds)
. Raj mumble to himself
Raj
Johnnnn !
He quickly pops into the living room and smiles at everyone.
Raj
How was your journey ?
(Raj edges his way nearer to a tissue box)
Mum
It was very pleasant thank you.
Raj
Excellent. How do you like your tea.
Mum
We all have it the same. White with two sugars.
Raj over smiles and repeats
White with two sugars.
Raj grabs the box of tissues and indicate to Jaz to meet him in the kitchen. Raj and Jaz are now in the kitchen
Raj
Make the tea and rinse and wipe down some dishes
(Raj gives her the tissue box)
I will be back in a minute.
Before Jaz can say anything Raj has sneaked out the back door again. Jaz has a puzzled look on her face but does what Raj has asked her to do. A couple of minutes later Raj returns with some sugar. He shows Jaz the sugar and smiles. She nods her head and takes the sugar of him. They finish making the tea and take it into the living room. Everyone is now sitting down drinking their tea. Everyone is smiling politely to each other.
Dad
Your house is very tidy.
Raj
We are all very good. We like to keep the place tidy.
Dad
Where are your other house mates.
Raj
They've gone down the pub
(Jaz elbows Raj)
...a....down the pub....a....lic library. That right they've gone down the public library.
Mum
Very good, we will not stay for long then as you must be keen to get to the library as well.
Raj smiles and nods in agreement.
Dad
So what is it you are studying to be?
Raj speaks in his mind
Oh shit.
Raj is hesitating. He then speaks very quietly.
Raj
To be an actor
Dad
Sorry we didn't quite hear you son. Did you say Doctor.
In a mad panic Raj responds.
Raj
Doctor.....ah...ah ....Yes I am studying to be a doctor.......
(Raj smiles falsely)
Jaz mouths to Raj
What are you talking about
Raj smiles even more falsely at Jaz.
Dad smiles at his wife and then at Raj
Very good son. I knew my girl would pick a fine man. She is very lucky to have such a nice, caring and hardworking man.....
Mum
Not to forget good looking. Jaz beti, today I am very proud.
Dad gets up smiling
Shabaash, shabaash - Son, could you tell me where the toilet is.
Raj hesitantly says
First left at the top of the stairs.
The dad leaves the room and sneaks outside to make a phone call on his mobile. He dials up the pind in India. When the dad is speaking you see him and when the person from the pind is speaking you see them.
Dad shouting on the phone
(there will be subtitles to show this bit
Hello, Hello. Rohan.....Surinder bolda. Mera beti Jaz ne Doctor Labliya.
(subtitle
Hello, Hello, Rohan....It is Surinder speaking. My daughter Jaz has found a doctor for herself)
Person in the pind
Beti Jaz Doctor labliya?
(subtitle
Your daughter has found a doctor?)
Dad
Ha Ha doctor labliya
(subtitle
Yes, Yes she has found a doctor)
Person in the pind shout to the rest of the people in the pind.
Person in the pind
Surinder di beti Jaz ne doctor labliya.
(subtitle
Surinders daughter Jaz has found a doctor)
Everyone in the pinds start dancing and singing. You hear people saying doctor lubliya, doctor lubliya
Person in the Pind
baut baut vadiya Surinderji
(subtitle
Many, many congratulations Surender ji)
Dad
Thank you, thank you. Ha Ha Ha OK Ok bye.
Dad is smiling and pops his head back into the living room.
Dad
Before we came here we went to the cash and carry so I have got something special in the car.
Dad pops out to the car and gets a bottle of Whisky. He re-eters the room. Sits down and opens the bottle.
Dad
Jaz beti get us some glasses and a jug of water, we are going to celebrate our happiness.
Jaz goes to the kitchen, finds couple of glasses, wipes them down with the tissues and brings them in. Her dad pours two large shots.
Raj
Uncle. I don't actually drink Whisky I am more of a Vodka man.
Jaz's Dad burst out laughing.
Dad
Jaz beti you are so lucky, he is even so funny
Dad passes the glass to Raj and says cheers. Her dad drinks some of his drink and Raj very hesitantly has some of his drink. Her Dad then necks he rest of his drink and Raj feels obliged to neck his drink. Her Dad pours another shot for himself and Raj.
Mum
We are so happy meeting you. We are very excited about meeting your parents.
Raj looks at Jaz with a shocked look on his face and then at herMum and gives her a fake smile he grabs his drink and necks it.
Mum
We must arrange it soon. We have to be going now as Jaz's younger brother is going out this evening and we have to take over at the shop.
Everybody stands up.
Raj
I will just get the coats.
Raj returns very quickly with the coats.
Raj walks them to the door and Jaz's mum and dad hug him while saying bye. Raj then shakes Jaz's hand.
Dad
Raj we understand you modern kids. You can kiss her.
Raj is a buzzing a bit from the Whisky and goes in for a kiss on the lips. Jaz quickly turns her head so he kisses her on the cheek. The mum and dad look over and smile. They all leave. Raj closes the door goes back in the living room and pours another shot of Whiskey and downs it in one. He pours another shot and lies back on the couch .A couple of minute later the other return from the pub.
Harj
How did it go?
Raj
It went
Raj2
I didn't know you drank Whisky. I thought you were more of a Vodka man.
Raj
I bet you didn't know that I was studying to be a doctor and that very shortly Jaz's parents will be meeting my parents.............and I should imagine pretty shortly after that we will get married.
Harj
Why do they think you are studying to be a Doctor and what about your get out of jail card ?
Raj
I told them I was studying to be an actor, but they thought I said doctor. The next thing I know her dad is opening a bottle of Whiskey and telling me I was the best thing since Alu pratha.
John
I reckon you need to get drunk.
Raj
Being drunk is no good in this situation. I need to get absolutely wasted
(Raj grabs the Whiskey bottle)
Raj2
That's great cos' down the Queen of Hearts they are having a Whisky and Barcardi promotion.
Raj
Whisky, I hate Whisky
(Holding a half drunk bottle of Whisky in his hand)
Isn't it going to be rammed. I can't be bothered to queue up. I just need to get wasted in the shortest amount of time so I can pass out and then when I wake up everything will be better.
Harj
It hasn't be very well advertised. I think they are only trying to attract the local crowd.
Raj
I doubt that. You know how Indians love their Barcardi and Whisky, they will be flocking from the high heavens.
John
We're going now if you're coming.
Raj stumbles up and nods to say yes. They all leave to go to the drinks promotion. The next shot is them approaching the pub and they see the queue which is equivalent to a queue you would expect at a rock concert. People with sleeping bags at the front, barriers up, police presence, people camping, coaches unloading....
Raj2
Shit the word must've got out.
Raj sarcastically says
At least it isn't rammed.
They walk down the queue and pass a load of people fighting under a big sign saying please fight here. They finally make it to the back of the queue. In front of them are loads of girl all wearing black looking very similar.. Raj2 tries to chat to some of them. Raj stumbles and stops him from talking to them
Raj slurs
Raj2 don't do it. Next thing you know you will be drinking Whisky with their dads
At this point a coach pulls up with a big sign on it saying Birmingham Unclejis. The coach has bhangra music blaring.
John
It looks like even the Unclejis from Birmingham have made it.
The girl in front of them look worried and cover their faces and quickly sneak off.
John
Raj you've scared the girls of now.
The doors to the Queen of Hearts open and the queue starts moving. The camera is focussed on the front of the queue as people start going in. More people than though possible
(tardis effect)
go in and the place quickly becomes totally rammed. The boys get to the front of the queue and the bouncer comes out
Bouncer using a megaphone
The bar is now dry, the bar is now dry, please make your way away from the premises.
All the boys are pulling really annoyed faces and groaning.
Raj
Sod it we may as well go back to ours and have our own party there.
Everybody moans and groans but agrees and everyone heads back. The next scene is they are going through the front door of their house and walking into the living room. The Whisky bottle is still on the table and Raj pours a shot.
Raj
Get yourself some glasses boys and let the party begin.
By the time they have got the glasses Raj has finished his shot and pours a second round of shots. Raj is rather drunk at this stage. There is a knock at the door and John goes to answer it. He opens the door and there is a queue of people standing outside his house
(the same queue of people who couldn't get in to the Queen of Hearts)
Guy at the front of the queue
We heard there was a party going on.
John
Ah.... Yeah....but...
Before John can finish loads of people are walking into his house. John looks outside and now sees the coaches pulling up outside his house. John has a surprised look on his face. The guys at the front of the queue are now in the living room.
Guy at the front of the queue
Is this where the party is happening?
Raj
Yeahhhhh!
Raj holds the Whisky bottle up takes a swig out of the bottle and passes out. The next scene is when Raj wakes up still lying on the couch. His head is hurting and he is feeling really rough. He looks around the house and see it is in a real state. Raj looks puzzled and talks to himself
Raj
I thought we tidied up.
Raj now has a smile on his face.
Raj
Hang on Hang on. I have just been dreaming. We didn't tidy the house up, Jaz's parents didn't come to see me, I am not studying medicine and no one wants to marry me.
Raj smiles and lies back on the couch. At the same time there is a knock at the door. John opens it and lets Jaz in. Jaz walks in to the living room and sits on the couch next to where Raj is lying.
Jaz
Good Morning
Raj has got a smile on his face.
Raj
Isn't it just
Jaz now smiling as well
My mum and dad really liked you.
Raj stops smiling, looks shocked and then screams out really loud while holding his heads in his hands.
The End of the Episode.
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