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The Lunchroom Episode 2x11 "Fahrenheit 7/11" Teleplay by Bruce Snyder and Alan Holman Story by Bruce Snyder Created by Bruce Snyder WARNING: This episode is weirder then usual. NEW CHARACTER: ELIZABETH HUGHES - Chris's mom. 34. Long Black hair. White. Prim and proper. Has English accent. Classic beauty. TEASER: INT. LUNCHROOM – NOON Brian, Brock, Casey, Reicther, Chris and Joel, sit around a table, eating and chatting. Will stumbles up to the table. JOEL You okay, Will? He grabs his head. WILL I'm having a dream. BROCK I don't believe you. BROCK transforms into a fish. WILL Oh my God! Slowly, everyone at the table transforms into a different type of fish. Will gasps in horror. WILL I'm in some fucked horrible nightmare world with fish! (suddenly happy) Hey, they're serving grilled cheese today. Will quickly sits down and begins to eat some grilled cheese. All the Fish begin to eat to. Long Pause. WILL Can someone pass the crackers? OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE: Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the credits. INT. MATH CLASS – LITTLE LATER Sitting at a table is Rene and Will. Rene is hard at work on a paper. Will is swallowing a few pills of Prozac. RENE Nervous about something? WILL Yes. I'm planning to ask Meadow out to the spring dance next period. RENE Well good for you. Will swallows more pills. RENE How many have you taken Will? WILL Well a lot. I'm eating them like tic-tacs. RENE That's probably not a good idea. WILL Well, you know me. Mastermind of good ideas. Will begins to do a breathing exercise. WILL I'm going to try my hardest not to screw this one up. I've taken my Prozac. I'm doing my breathing exercises. I'm ready. RENE When are you going to do this? WILL Around lunchtime. The bell rings. WILL I guess it's nowish. Will gets up and leaves. INT. HOSPITAL – WAITING ROOM - EVENING The room is packed with young children. Sitting in two chairs in the corner is Chris, and his mother ELIZABETH HUGHES. Elizabeth is reading a tabloid magazine. ELIZABETH My God. Britney Spears has gotten fat. CHRIS C'mon, mom. Why do you read that garbage for? ELIZABETH It's this, or Pet's weekly. And this at least has some pretty cool stuff in it. Did you know that Batboy was caught smoking in the boy's room. A NURSE enters the room. NURSE Hughes, Christopher. Chris and Elizabeth stand up and walk over. INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE – MINUTES LATER Chris is sitting on top of a table. His mother is sitting in a chair. CHRIS How has it been? ELIZABETH I don't know but it feels like forever. Just then, DR. BAYLISS comes into the room. BAYLISS Sorry, to keep you waiting folks. I just had give someone stitches. Apparently his ass had a hole in it. He has a hardy chuckle over it. BAYLISS Just a little medical humor. Elizabeth smiles a bit. Chris just gives him a look. BAYLISS Well, Mrs. Hughes, if you could step outside I'd like to examine your boy. ELIZABETH Okay. She gets up and slowly leaves. Bayliss puts on a pair of rubber gloves. BAYLISS Okay, time for you rectal exam, Mr. Hughes. CHRIS My what?! BAYLISS Just joking. I'm just going to check your heart rate. Chris seems relived. INT. LUNCHROOM – NOON Will, Brian, Joel, Brock, Casey, and Reicther are sitting around the table, chatting and eating. BROCK Do you think Disney's cartoon "The Lion King" ripped-off Osamu Tezuka's anime "Kimba: The White Lion"? Every one looks at him funny. WILL What in the hell is a Kimba? BRIAN Actually is was based on "Hamlet." CASEY Osamu...that sounds like an Arabic name. Brian sighs. BRIAN (sarcastically) Oh yeah, Casey. He's an Arabic. And he has ties to Saudis. CASEY That bastard. WILL Listen guys. I've got to do something this lunchroom period. JOEL What's this something you've got to do? WILL I'm going to ask Meadow out to the spring dance. JOEL Really now? WILL Yep. I'm so hop up on Prozac right now, I'll be fucking mellow till they put a woman or a black guy in the oval office. Will gets up and leave. INT. BATHROOM – MINUTES LATER Will is at the sink, washing his hands. He is whistling. He finishes up and looks up in the mirror. He jumps. WILL HOLY FUCK!!! The CAMERA PANS quickly to the RIGHT to see famous actor RICHARD BELZER leaning again the wall. RICHARD I wouldn't dry my hands there if I were you. You know how many germs on those papers? WILL Oh my God! Your detective Munch! RICHARD Close but no cigar. I just play him on TV. I'm Richard Belzer. Will looks at him. WILL Are you here to give like a speech to the seniors or something? RICHARD You think I'm real? (laughs) I like that. WILL You're not real? RICHARD I'm just a figment of your hopped up Prozac mind. Will laughs. WILL (under his breath) Man...this must be what Kirk sees all the time. INT. LUNCHROOM – SAME Brian, Joel, Brock, Reicther and Casey are around the table. Eating and chatting. BRIAN Well then, who is the prettiest celebrity? JOEL The prettiest? Huh. Joel seems stumped. The others begin to think. BRIAN And please, no one give me that Britney Spears bullshit. All right. I mean your personal favorite. CASEY All right, I got one. BRIAN Okay. CASEY Actually, it's two. Either Julianne Moore – BROCK Who's that? CASEY The red head from Boogie Nights. Or the female detective from Special Victim's Unit. But when she first started the show with the long brown hair. BRIAN I can see we're going, with the brown hair and everything. I would have to say Rachel Leigh Cook. Because she looks like she could be just as nerdy as us. BRIAN Joel? JOEL Oh, what's her name. The girl from "Speed." CASEY Sandra Bullock. JOEL Okay. That's it. That's the one. BROCK Who would you pick, Reicther? REICTHER Easy. The mom from Back to the Future. Leah Thompson. Stacy walks up. STACY Hey, Brock. Do you that assignment? BROCK Yeah, let me go get it. Brock gets up and leaves. Stacy takes his seat. CASEY Stacy, what female celebrity is the prettiest? BRIAN Why are you asking my sister that? I mean it's not like she's – STACY Keira Knightly. She has good looks but I bet she has a good personality. And don't worry, Brian. I'm so confident in my sexuality I'm able to answer a question like that. Brock returns with a paper. STACY Thanks. I'll get it back to you later. She gets up and leaves. Brian seems a little off by her comments. The others have just gone back to eating. JOEL You know that was going to be my second choice. INT. HALLWAY – MINUTES LATER Will is walking down the hallway, with Richard right beside him. WILL So why you? Out of all the celebrities that could have visited me, how come you got the job? RICHARD Well, let's think about his for a moment. I mean, let's say that instead of me, Tom Hanks or Mel Gibson came and visited you. Your mind would be boggled that such famous talent would come around, follow you around, listen to your problems. WILL Hey, your pretty famous yourself. I mean you've been on two successful series. RICHARD Name one other thing I've done. Will thinks. WILL Oh, you were in Wagon's East. RICHARD That was Richard Lewis. WILL Oh. Sorry. RICHARD It's okay. At least you were thinking about me. Pause. WILL Hey, are you going to follow me around all day? Because I've got to do this thing. RICHARD Actually I'm going to be for a few hours. You didn't take that many pills so I should be gone soon. Why, what's so important? WILL I'm asking a girl out to the spring dance. RICHARD Wow. This seems like something right out of Leave it to Beaver. Richard smiles while Will looks annoyed. RICHARD I guess that's why you decided to swallow all those pills. WILL I was trying to calm and relax myself. RICHARD What happen to the good ol' days were if someone wanted to relaxed they just got themselves something to drink and laid back in a lazy boy? WILL The medical age happened, my friend. Now every problem we have has some kind of pill to solve it. Kirk walks by. KIRK Hey, Will. How's it going, Richard? RICHARD You know same shit, different day. Kirk leaves. RICHARD I see that your not surprised by the fact that Kirk can see me. WILL Nothing he does surprises me. INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE – SAME Bayliss is writing something down on his clipboard. Chris is sitting on the table. BAYLISS Okay. Your heart rate is just fine. Blood pressure is normal. Your cough sounded fine. He reads over the paper. BAYLISS Okay. Drop your pants. CHRIS What? BAYLISS Oh I'm sorry (English accent) Drop ya'll knickers, mate. Chris sighs and does so. CHRIS I don't understand this. I thought I we were done with all the testing I mean I feel perf – Bayliss quickly grabs Chris' manhood. Chris looks surprised. CHRIS What...in thee sweet chocolate Christ are you doing? BAYLISS Making sure your testicles have a good long shelf life ahead of them. CHRIS Next time why don't you give me fair warning, doc. Bayliss begins to examine him. There is an awkward pause. BAYLISS So...do you like sports? CHRIS Keep your eyes on the prize, doc. BAYLISS Sorry. A worried look comes across Bayliss' face. BAYLISS Oh my. Chris looks worried. CHRIS What? What is it? BAYLISS This isn't good. CHRIS What's the matter, doctor!? BAYLISS Their seems to be two lumps. Bayliss' worried face goes away. BAYLISS Oh wait. Those are just your testicles. Bayliss starts to chuckle while Chris seems more pissed off then ever. INT. LUNCHROOM – SAME Brian, Joel, Brock, Reicther, and Casey sit around the table, eating and chatting. JOEL Did you see the wreckage from that car accident that happened in front of school this morning? BRIAN Yeah. She was on her cell-phone while driving drunk without a seat-belt. BROCK What's your point? JOEL My point is: anything can happen, at any time. No one's safe. This is metaphorically an explosive atmosphere. Every moment is the beginning, middle, and ending, of many stories that are all being told at the same time, because – as Shakespeare said -- the world's a stage, and we're all actors. DRAMATIC MUSIC begins to play. Suddenly Reicther farts. CASEY (laughs) You farted. Joel sighs. INT. HALLWAY – MINUTES LATER Will and Richard are walking down the hallway. WILL Now, if you stand near me while I do this, you could give me some help. Richard turns and goes into another hallway. Will turns around sees that Richard is gone. WILL Richard? INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY – MINUTES LATER Richard walks down the hallway, observing the things around him. He hear yelling coming. The CAMERA PANS to the RIGHT and we see a heated conversation, between MR. KLINE and PRINCIPAL STEVENS, from around a corner. STEVENS ...WELL, MR. KLINE, THAT'S BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE YOU! I NEVER LIKED YOU! KLINE YOU CAN'T FIRE ME JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T WRITE "GO BULLDOGS GO" ON THE BOARD IN MY SPANISH CLASSROOM! STEVENS THEN I'LL FIND ANOTHER REASON TO FIRE YOU! UNTIL THEN, YOU'RE SUSPENDED FROM TEACHING IN THIS SCHOOL!!! GET THE HELL OUT OF THE BUILDING!!! Stevens is about to storm off when Richard places his foot in front of Stevens, tripping him. INT. HALLWAY – SAME Meadow is standing by the coke machines. Will walks up, looking around for Richard. MEADOW Hey, Will. WILL Hey, Meadow. You haven't seen Richard Belzer around here have you? She presses a button. She then looks at him confused. MEADOW Richard Belzer? The actor? Will realizes what he's said. WILL Well actually...it might not have been. It could have been someone that looked like him. Will forces a smile. He looks around. He sees Stacy and Kirk sitting against the wall. Stacy is working on homework, while Kirk is eating. KIRK The Linkin Park song "In the End" works perfectly with the video from the start of Final Fantasy 8. STACY Really now? WILL (to Meadow) I'll be right back. Will walks over. STACY Oh thank god it's Will. WILL Hey, Kirk. Did you see Richard around here? KIRK Yeah, he went down that hallway. STACY Richard? EXT. SCHOOL – FRONT LAWN – SAME There are TWO BIG KIDS beating up on a STUDENT. Near by is a teacher who is deep in reading a paper, and doesn't notice the two boys fighting. Richard is by the teacher. RICHARD Interesting. Each of them is hitting softly, as if they're pretending to hit hard, because they don't really want to hurt him, and they think that their friends are hitting harder. Richard taps the teacher on his shoulder. RICHARD Hey, teacher of the year. The Teacher sees the two and runs over to them. INT. LUNCHROOM – MINUTES LATER Brian, Joel, Brock, Reicther, and Casey are sitting around the table. They have finished eating, and now just talk. CASEY Have you guys seen those Burger King ads where it says "If it feels, then do it." JOEL What a horrible fucking catchphrase that is. BROCK Doesn't sound that bad. JOEL Say a serial rapist hears that. Then he's going to go out rape a bunch a girls, because it feels good. CASEY That's exactly why I brought it up, I mean what kind of – REICTHER Chris? Chris, looking very disturbed by something, slowly staggers up and sits down at the table. BRIAN God, man. You look horrible. What happened? CHRIS Doctor visit that's all. CASEY Did something else happened, I mean you - CHRIS NOTHING HAPPENED!!! INT. HALLWAY, BY THE COKE MACHINES – MINUTES LATER Will and Meadow are sitting against the machine. Quietly saying talking to each other. Richard walks up and stands by Will. RICHARD Okay, I'm back. Don't look my way. Look into her eyes. Keep your eye on the prize. Okay, I want you to do every single action I do, and no questions. Ask her what she is doing this Saturday but do it smoothly, like your asking a math question. WILL (very calm and smooth) Are you doing anything this Saturday? MEADOW Yeah. Actually I'm going to the dance with my friends. RICHARD Okay, Will. Time to pop the million dollar question. WILL Would you like to go the dance, with me? Pause. MEADOW Yes, of course I'll with you. WILL Really? She nods. They both smile. MEADOW I was wondering when you were going ask. Will seems confused. WILL You were actually waiting for me to say it? MEADOW Yeah. In fact if you weren't going to ask in like the next few minutes, I was going to. The bell rings. MEADOW Call me with the details. I've got to head off to shop. WILL Okay. Meadow walks away, with a big smile across her face. Richard now walks beside Will. WILL That was so much easier since I was induced in drugs. RICHARD Yeah, ain't life wonderful? WILL Hey...how much longer are you going to be hanging around? RICHARD Actually, I'm going to hang out with Kirk the rest of the afternoon. Will smiles. RICHARD You may think it's silly, but he can very deep and interesting sometimes. See ya'. Richard walks off. WILL There goes Richard Belzer...the biggest badass in the world. Will watches as Richard slowly walks away. FADE OUT. END OF EPISODE
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