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-------------------------







The Lunchroom

Episode 2x11
"Fahrenheit 7/11"

Teleplay by
Bruce Snyder
and
Alan Holman

Story by
Bruce Snyder 

Created by
Bruce Snyder



     WARNING: This episode is weirder then usual.

     NEW CHARACTER:

     ELIZABETH HUGHES - Chris's mom. 34. Long Black hair. 
     White. Prim and proper. Has English accent. Classic 
     beauty.

     TEASER:

     INT. LUNCHROOM  NOON

     Brian, Brock, Casey, Reicther, Chris and Joel, sit 
     around a table, eating and chatting.

     Will stumbles up to the table.

                                JOEL
                   You okay, Will?

     He grabs his head.                 

                                WILL
                   I'm having a dream.

                                BROCK
                   I don't believe you.

     BROCK transforms into a fish.

                                WILL
                   Oh my God!

     Slowly, everyone at the table transforms into a 
     different type of fish. Will gasps in horror.

                                WILL
                   I'm in some fucked horrible 
                   nightmare world with fish!
                         (suddenly happy)
                   Hey, they're serving grilled cheese 
                   today.

     Will quickly sits down and begins to eat some grilled 
     cheese. All the Fish begin to eat to.

     Long Pause.

                                WILL
                   Can someone pass the crackers?

     OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE:

     Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the 
     credits.

     INT. MATH CLASS  LITTLE LATER

     Sitting at a table is Rene and Will. Rene is hard at 
     work on a paper. Will is swallowing a few pills of 
     Prozac.

                                RENE
                    Nervous about something?

                                WILL
                    Yes. I'm planning to ask Meadow out 
                    to the spring dance next period.

                                RENE
                    Well good for you.

     Will swallows more pills.

                                RENE
                    How many have you taken Will?

                                WILL
                    Well a lot. I'm eating them like 
                    tic-tacs.

                                RENE
                    That's probably not a good idea.

                                WILL
                    Well, you know me. Mastermind of 
                    good ideas.

     Will begins to do a breathing exercise.

                                WILL
                    I'm going to try my hardest not to 
                    screw this one up. I've taken my 
                    Prozac. I'm doing my breathing 
                    exercises. I'm ready.

                                RENE
                    When are you going to do this?

                                WILL
                    Around lunchtime.

     The bell rings.

                                WILL
                    I guess it's nowish.

     Will gets up and leaves.

     INT. HOSPITAL  WAITING ROOM - EVENING

     The room is packed with young children. Sitting in two 
     chairs in the corner is Chris, and his mother ELIZABETH 
     HUGHES. Elizabeth is reading a tabloid magazine.

                                ELIZABETH
                    My God. Britney Spears has gotten 
                    fat.

                                CHRIS
                    C'mon, mom. Why do you read that 
                    garbage for?

                                ELIZABETH
                    It's this, or Pet's weekly. And 
                    this at least has some pretty cool 
                    stuff in it. Did you know that 
                    Batboy was caught smoking in the 
                    boy's room.

     A NURSE enters the room.

                                NURSE
                    Hughes, Christopher.

     Chris and Elizabeth stand up and walk over.

     INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE  MINUTES LATER

     Chris is sitting on top of a table. His mother is 
     sitting in a chair.

                                CHRIS
                   How has it been?

                                ELIZABETH
                   I don't know but it feels like 
                   forever.

     Just then, DR. BAYLISS comes into the room.

                                BAYLISS
                   Sorry, to keep you waiting folks. I 
                   just had give someone stitches. 
                   Apparently his ass had a hole in 
                   it.

     He has a hardy chuckle over it.

                                BAYLISS
                   Just a little medical humor.

     Elizabeth smiles a bit. Chris just gives him a look.

                                BAYLISS
                   Well, Mrs. Hughes, if you could 
                   step outside I'd like to examine 
                   your boy.

                                ELIZABETH
                   Okay.

     She gets up and slowly leaves. Bayliss puts on a pair of 
     rubber gloves.

                                BAYLISS
                   Okay, time for you rectal exam, Mr. 
                   Hughes.

                                CHRIS
                   My what?!

                                BAYLISS
                   Just joking. I'm just going to 
                   check your heart rate.

     Chris seems relived.
    

     INT. LUNCHROOM  NOON

     Will, Brian, Joel, Brock, Casey, and Reicther are 
     sitting around the table, chatting and eating. 

                                BROCK
                    Do you think Disney's cartoon "The 
                    Lion King" ripped-off Osamu 
                    Tezuka's anime "Kimba: The White 
                    Lion"?

     Every one looks at him funny.

                                WILL
                    What in the hell is a Kimba?

                                BRIAN
                    Actually is was based on "Hamlet."

                                CASEY
                    Osamu...that sounds like an Arabic 
                    name.

     Brian sighs.

                                BRIAN
                          (sarcastically)
                    Oh yeah, Casey. He's an Arabic. And 
                    he has ties to Saudis.

                                CASEY
                    That bastard.

                                WILL
                    Listen guys. I've got to do 
                    something this lunchroom period.

                                JOEL
                    What's this something you've got to 
                    do?

                                WILL
                    I'm going to ask Meadow out to the 
                    spring dance.

                                JOEL
                    Really now?

                                WILL
                    Yep. I'm so hop up on Prozac right 
                    now, I'll be fucking mellow till 
                    they put a woman or a black guy in 
                    the oval office.

     Will gets up and leave.

     INT. BATHROOM  MINUTES LATER

     Will is at the sink, washing his hands. He is whistling. 
     He finishes up and looks up in the mirror. He jumps.

                                WILL
                    HOLY FUCK!!!

     The CAMERA PANS quickly to the RIGHT to see famous actor 
     RICHARD BELZER leaning again the wall.

                                RICHARD
                    I wouldn't dry my hands there if I 
                    were you. You know how many germs 
                    on those papers?

                                WILL
                    Oh my God! Your detective Munch!

                                RICHARD
                    Close but no cigar. I just play him 
                    on TV. I'm Richard Belzer.

     Will looks at him.

                                WILL
                    Are you here to give like a speech 
                    to the seniors or something?

                                RICHARD
                    You think I'm real? (laughs) I like 
                    that.

                                WILL
                    You're not real?

                                RICHARD
                    I'm just a figment of your hopped 
                    up Prozac mind.

     Will laughs.

                                WILL
                         (under his breath)
                    Man...this must be what Kirk sees 
                    all the time.

     INT. LUNCHROOM  SAME

     Brian, Joel, Brock, Reicther and Casey are around the 
     table. Eating and chatting.

                                BRIAN
                    Well then, who is the prettiest 
                    celebrity?

                                JOEL
                    The prettiest? Huh.

     Joel seems stumped. The others begin to think.

                                BRIAN
                    And please, no one give me that 
                    Britney Spears bullshit. All right. 
                    I mean your personal favorite.

                                CASEY
                    All right, I got one.

                                BRIAN
                    Okay.

                                CASEY
                    Actually, it's two. Either Julianne 
                    Moore 

                                BROCK
                    Who's that?

                                CASEY
                    The red head from Boogie Nights. Or 
                    the female detective from Special 
                    Victim's Unit. But when she first 
                    started the show with the long 
                    brown hair.

                                BRIAN
                    I can see we're going, with the 
                    brown hair and everything. I would 
                    have to say Rachel Leigh Cook. 
                    Because she looks like she could be 
                    just as nerdy as us.

                                BRIAN
                    Joel?

                                JOEL
                    Oh, what's her name. The girl from 
                    "Speed."

                                CASEY
                    Sandra Bullock.

                                JOEL
                    Okay. That's it. That's the one.

                                BROCK
                    Who would you pick, Reicther?

                                REICTHER
                    Easy. The mom from Back to the 
                    Future. Leah Thompson.

     Stacy walks up.

                                STACY
                    Hey, Brock. Do you that assignment?

                                BROCK
                    Yeah, let me go get it.

     Brock gets up and leaves. Stacy takes his seat.

                                CASEY
                    Stacy, what female celebrity is the 
                    prettiest?

                                BRIAN
                    Why are you asking my sister that? 
                    I mean it's not like she's 

                                STACY
                    Keira Knightly. She has good looks 
                    but I bet she has a good 
                    personality. And don't worry, Brian. 
                    I'm so confident in my sexuality 
                    I'm able to answer a question like 
                    that.

     Brock returns with a paper.

                                STACY
                    Thanks. I'll get it back to you 
                    later.

     She gets up and leaves. Brian seems a little off by her 
     comments. The others have just gone back to eating.

                                JOEL
                    You know that was going to be my 
                    second choice.

     INT. HALLWAY  MINUTES LATER

     Will is walking down the hallway, with Richard right 
     beside him.

                                WILL
                    So why you? Out of all the 
                    celebrities that could have visited 
                    me, how come you got the job?

                                RICHARD
                    Well, let's think about his for a 
                    moment. I mean, let's say that 
                    instead of me, Tom Hanks or Mel 
                    Gibson came and visited you. Your 
                    mind would be boggled that such 
                    famous talent would come around, 
                    follow you around, listen to your 
                    problems.

                                WILL
                    Hey, your pretty famous yourself. I 
                    mean you've been on two successful 
                    series.

                                RICHARD
                    Name one other thing I've done.

     Will thinks.

                                WILL
                    Oh, you were in Wagon's East.

                                RICHARD
                    That was Richard Lewis.

                                WILL
                    Oh. Sorry.

                                RICHARD
                    It's okay. At least you were 
                    thinking about me.

     Pause.

                                WILL
                    Hey, are you going to follow me 
                    around all day? Because I've got to 
                    do this thing.

                                RICHARD
                    Actually I'm going to be for a few 
                    hours. You didn't take that many 
                    pills so I should be gone soon. Why, 
                    what's so important?

                                WILL
                    I'm asking a girl out to the spring 
                    dance.

                                RICHARD
                    Wow. This seems like something 
                    right out of Leave it to Beaver.

     Richard smiles while Will looks annoyed.

                                RICHARD
                    I guess that's why you decided to 
                    swallow all those pills.

                                WILL
                    I was trying to calm and relax 
                    myself.

                                RICHARD
                    What happen to the good ol' days 
                    were if someone wanted to relaxed 
                    they just got themselves something 
                    to drink and laid back in a lazy 
                    boy?

                                WILL
                    The medical age happened, my 
                    friend. Now every problem we have 
                    has some kind of pill to solve it.

     Kirk walks by.

                                KIRK
                    Hey, Will. How's it going, Richard?

                                RICHARD
                    You know same shit, different day.

     Kirk leaves.

                                RICHARD
                    I see that your not surprised by 
                    the fact that Kirk can see me.

                                WILL
                    Nothing he does surprises me.

     INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE  SAME

     Bayliss is writing something down on his clipboard. 
     Chris is sitting on the table.

                                BAYLISS
                    Okay. Your heart rate is just fine. 
                    Blood pressure is normal. Your 
                    cough sounded fine.

     He reads over the paper.

                                BAYLISS
                    Okay. Drop your pants.

                                CHRIS
                    What?

                                BAYLISS
                    Oh I'm sorry
                          (English accent)
                    Drop ya'll knickers, mate.

     Chris sighs and does so.

                                CHRIS
                    I don't understand this. I thought 
                    I we were done with all the testing 
                    I mean I feel perf 

     Bayliss quickly grabs Chris' manhood. Chris looks 
     surprised.

                                CHRIS
                    What...in thee sweet chocolate 
                    Christ are you doing?

                                BAYLISS
                    Making sure your testicles have a 
                    good long shelf life ahead of them.

                                CHRIS
                    Next time why don't you give me 
                    fair warning, doc.

     Bayliss begins to examine him. There is an awkward pause.

                                BAYLISS
                    So...do you like sports?

                                CHRIS
                    Keep your eyes on the prize, doc.

                                BAYLISS
                    Sorry.

     A worried look comes across Bayliss' face.

                                BAYLISS
                    Oh my.

     Chris looks worried.
        
                                CHRIS
                    What? What is it?

                                BAYLISS
                    This isn't good.

                                CHRIS
                    What's the matter, doctor!?

                                BAYLISS
                    Their seems to be two lumps.

     Bayliss' worried face goes away.

                                BAYLISS
                    Oh wait. Those are just your 
                    testicles.

     Bayliss starts to chuckle while Chris seems more pissed 
     off then ever.

     INT. LUNCHROOM  SAME

     Brian, Joel, Brock, Reicther, and Casey sit around the 
     table, eating and chatting. 

                                JOEL
                    Did you see the wreckage from that 
                    car accident that happened in front 
                    of school this morning?

                                BRIAN
                    Yeah. She was on her cell-phone 
                    while driving drunk without a 
                    seat-belt.

                                BROCK
                    What's your point?

                                JOEL
                    My point is: anything can happen, 
                    at any time. No one's safe. This is 
                    metaphorically an explosive 
                    atmosphere. Every moment is the 
                    beginning, middle, and ending, of 
                    many stories that are all being 
                    told at the same time, because  
                    as Shakespeare said -- the world's 
                    a stage, and we're all actors.

     DRAMATIC MUSIC begins to play. Suddenly Reicther farts.

                                CASEY
                    (laughs) You farted.

     Joel sighs.

     INT. HALLWAY  MINUTES LATER

     Will and Richard are walking down the hallway.

                                WILL
                    Now, if you stand near me while I 
                    do this, you could give me some 
                    help. 

     Richard turns and goes into another hallway. Will turns 
     around sees that Richard is gone.

                                WILL
                    Richard?

     INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY  MINUTES LATER

     Richard walks down the hallway, observing the things 
     around him. He hear yelling coming. The CAMERA PANS to 
     the RIGHT and we see a heated conversation, between MR. 
     KLINE and PRINCIPAL STEVENS, from around a corner.

                                STEVENS
                    ...WELL, MR. KLINE, THAT'S BECAUSE 
                    I DON'T LIKE YOU!  I NEVER LIKED 
                    YOU!

                                KLINE
                    YOU CAN'T FIRE ME JUST BECAUSE I 
                    DIDN'T WRITE "GO BULLDOGS GO" ON 
                    THE BOARD IN MY SPANISH CLASSROOM!

                                STEVENS
                    THEN I'LL FIND ANOTHER REASON TO 
                    FIRE YOU!  UNTIL THEN, YOU'RE 
                    SUSPENDED FROM TEACHING IN THIS 
                    SCHOOL!!! GET THE HELL OUT OF THE 
                    BUILDING!!!

     Stevens is about to storm off when Richard places his 
     foot in front of Stevens, tripping him.

     INT. HALLWAY  SAME

     Meadow is standing by the coke machines. Will walks up, 
     looking around for Richard.

                                MEADOW
                    Hey, Will.

                                WILL
                    Hey, Meadow. You haven't seen 
                    Richard Belzer around here have 
                    you?

     She presses a button. She then looks at him confused.
  
                                MEADOW
                    Richard Belzer? The actor?

     Will realizes what he's said.

                                WILL
                    Well actually...it might not have 
                    been. It could have been someone 
                    that looked like him.

     Will forces a smile. He looks around. He sees Stacy and 
     Kirk sitting against the wall. Stacy is working on 
     homework, while Kirk is eating.

                                KIRK
                    The Linkin Park song "In the End" 
                    works perfectly with the video from 
                    the start of Final Fantasy 8.

                                STACY
                    Really now?

                                WILL
                            (to Meadow)
                    I'll be right back.

     Will walks over.

                                STACY
                    Oh thank god it's Will.

                                WILL
                    Hey, Kirk. Did you see Richard 
                    around here?

                                KIRK
                    Yeah, he went down that hallway.

                                STACY
                    Richard?

     EXT. SCHOOL  FRONT LAWN  SAME

     There are TWO BIG KIDS beating up on a STUDENT. Near by 
     is a teacher who is deep in reading a paper, and doesn't 
     notice the two boys fighting. Richard is by the teacher.

                                RICHARD
                    Interesting. Each of them is 
                    hitting softly, as if they're 
                    pretending to hit hard, because 
                    they don't really want to hurt him, 
                    and they think that their friends 
                    are hitting harder.

     Richard taps the teacher on his shoulder.

                                RICHARD
                    Hey, teacher of the year.

     The Teacher sees the two and runs over to them.

     INT. LUNCHROOM  MINUTES LATER

     Brian, Joel, Brock, Reicther, and Casey are sitting 
     around the table. They have finished eating, and 
     now just talk.

                                CASEY
                    Have you guys seen those Burger 
                    King ads where it says "If it 
                    feels, then do it."

                                JOEL
                    What a horrible fucking catchphrase 
                    that is.

                                BROCK
                    Doesn't sound that bad.

                                JOEL
                    Say a serial rapist hears that. 
                    Then he's going to go out rape a 
                    bunch a girls, because it feels 
                    good.

                                CASEY
                    That's exactly why I brought it up, 
                    I mean what kind of 

                                REICTHER
                    Chris?

     Chris, looking very disturbed by something, slowly 
     staggers up and sits down at the table.

                                BRIAN
                    God, man. You look horrible. What 
                    happened?

                                CHRIS
                    Doctor visit that's all.

                                CASEY
                    Did something else happened, I mean 
                    you -

                                CHRIS
                    NOTHING HAPPENED!!!

     INT. HALLWAY, BY THE COKE MACHINES  MINUTES LATER

     Will and Meadow are sitting against the machine. Quietly 
     saying talking to each other. Richard walks up and 
     stands by Will.             

                                RICHARD
                    Okay, I'm back. Don't look my way. 
                    Look into her eyes. Keep your eye 
                    on the prize. Okay, I want you to 
                    do every single action I do, and no 
                    questions. Ask her what she is 
                    doing this Saturday but do it 
                    smoothly, like your asking a math 
                    question.

                                WILL
                        (very calm and smooth)
                    Are you doing anything this 
                    Saturday?

                                MEADOW
                    Yeah. Actually I'm going to the 
                    dance with my friends.

                                RICHARD
                    Okay, Will. Time to pop the million 
                    dollar question.

                                WILL
                    Would you like to go the dance, 
                    with me?

     Pause.

                                MEADOW
                    Yes, of course I'll with you.

                                WILL
                    Really?

     She nods. They both smile.

                                MEADOW
                    I was wondering when you were going 
                    ask.

     Will seems confused.

                                WILL
                    You were actually waiting for me to 
                    say it?

                                MEADOW
                    Yeah. In fact if you weren't going 
                    to ask in like the next few minutes, 
                    I was going to.

     The bell rings.

                                MEADOW
                    Call me with the details. I've got 
                    to head off to shop.

                                WILL
                    Okay.

     Meadow walks away, with a big smile across her face. 
     Richard now walks beside Will.

                                WILL
                    That was so much easier since I was 
                    induced in drugs.

                                RICHARD
                    Yeah, ain't life wonderful?

                                WILL
                    Hey...how much longer are you going 
                    to be hanging around?

                                RICHARD
                    Actually, I'm going to hang out 
                    with Kirk the rest of the 
                    afternoon.

     Will smiles.

                                RICHARD
                    You may think it's silly, but he 
                    can very deep and interesting 
                    sometimes. See ya'.

     Richard walks off.

                                WILL
                    There goes Richard Belzer...the 
                    biggest badass in the world.

     Will watches as Richard slowly walks away.

 
                                                  FADE OUT.
                           
                            END OF EPISODE



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