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The Lunchroom Episode 2x08 "Never Mind the Bollocks" Written by Bruce Snyder Created by Bruce Snyder NEW RECURRING CHARACTER MEADOW LE CERVA: 15. Long black hair. Short. Usually, always smiling. TEASER INT. WILL'S ROOM – DAY Will and Joel are sitting on his couch watching TV. The video for Lenny Kavitz's "Where Are We Running" is beginning to play. WILL Oh I love this video. JOEL I didn't know you like Lenny Kavitz. WILL No. I like the video because I can do this. Will walks over and hits play on his stereo. Old 1920's swing music begins to play. Will walks over and hits mute on his TV. WILL Okay. Now it's better. Will and Joel sit and watch. As people do drugs and have sex, the old swing music plays. Joel smiles. JOEL You're right. This is better. OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE: Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the credits. AFTER CREDITS: INT. AIRPORT - GATEWAY – EARLY MORNING Chris, Stacy, and Brian walk up and each take a seat. Brian yawns. STACY It's five in the morning. I went to sleep two hours ago. This is not right. Chris takes a out a schedule paper. CHRIS Okay. We leave in an hour and half. We'll get there at ten. Leave at eight and get back on midnight. BRIAN I'd like to meet the idiot who thought of the idea of traveling all the way to D.C., tour around it, all in one day. STACY Probably the guy who didn't want to rent out a hotel for us. CHRIS At least we don't have to go to school and don't have to do any work. Brian is looking around. BRIAN Where did Will go? STACY He went off to talk to that Meadow girl. Stacy reaches over and grabs a paperback novel. CHRIS There's a girl named Meadow? BRIAN Don't look at me. I didn't name her. INT. AIRPORT – FOOD COURT – SAME Will and MEADOW LE CERVA are at a McDonald's. The man hands Meadow a small drink and hands Will a gigantic cup. MEADOW Jesus. WILL Hey, get off my ass. I need to wake up. They begin to walk away. MEADOW Okay. You were in the middle of a story. WILL Okay, so I'm going on and on to her. And finally after a few minutes of talking I finally say "Honey...I love you." I hear no response. So I figure that she's just stunned by what I've said. So (chuckles) I go over and see that's she been sleeping. Will laughs. Meadow also laughs but also looks sad. MEADOW Oh, I'm sorry about that Will. WILL It's okay. MEADOW Did you ever really tell her? WILL Nah. We broke up a couple of days later. MEADOW Why? WILL (laughing) Because I thought she wasn't listening to me enough. She laughs. INT. STUDY HALL – LATER THAT DAY Reicther and Brock sit at a table. Brock is working on homework. Reicther is reading a book. We notice that Reicther's eyes are red. He sniffs a bit. Brock looks up at him, before going back to work. Pause. Suddenly Reicther sneezes. It goes all over the table (and some on Brock.) BROCK Oh God, Reicther. (NOTE: All during this episode Reicther's voice is different because his nose is stuffed up.) REICTHER (in pain) Oh...my chest. BROCK Haven't heard of covering your mouth? Reicther covers his mouth. REICTHER Man I'm sick. BROCK No shit. REICTHER This all started when we went over to Brian's house. It's headquarters for germs. Reicther sneezes again. REICTHER I've got to do something about this. He looks around. INT. AIRPORT – TERMINAL - A LITTLE LATER Stacy is sitting, reading a book. Chris is looking over the paper. Brian appears with a Bible. STACY Where did you get that? BRIAN Some bald guy gave it to me. STACY I didn't know you read the bible. BRIAN I don't. But I never pass up anything that's free. Chris sighs. CHRIS So much about politics in the news. BRIAN (about Bible) Hell. No pictures. STACY What's new today, anyway? CHRIS Well, front page says "President goes on Vacation." STACY That's it? CHRIS Yep. Sad ain't it? BRIAN What you got something against our Politics? CHRIS Now I'm saying nothing. All I'll say is that the three most powerful people in this country are Bush, Dick, and Colon. INT. AIRPORT – ANOTHER PART OF THTE TERMINAL – SAME Will and Meadow are walking around, talking. MEADOW So the whole play was this weird thing about this child rapist. WILL Child rapist? MEADOW A whole three hour play about a child rapist. I mean the violence was so graphic. WILL Uh-oh. Look what someone left behind. PULL BACK to REVEAL a bag cart. MEADOW It's a bag cart. So what? WILL You obviously haven't been to too many airports. He takes the cart. WILL Follow me. He pushes the cart, with Meadow right behind him. CART RETURN – Will pushes the bag cart into it. MEADOW You wanted to return it? WILL Watch this. A quarter pops outs of the machine. WILL Hizah. He takes it. MEADOW A machine that gives you money. Well, I say God bless America. WILL Stay here, I'm going to find some more. MEADOW Screw that, I want free money. They walk off. INT. STUDY HALL - SAME Reicther walks up carrying a can. He sits down. Brock looks up from his work. BROCK Oh lord. What's that for? REICTHER Well. If I have to sneeze anymore I just sneeze into the can. Reicther puts the can on the table. BROCK Oh I've got to see this. Pause. BROCK Well? REICTHER Give me sec. Pause. REICTHER Crap. I can't do it on th – Reicther quickly sneezes into the can. He hits his noose against it, hard. REICTHER Oh God my nose! He holds it. INT. AIRPORT – TERMINAL – SAME Will and Meadow are sitting in a pair of seats. No one else is around. They are talking quietly to themselves. ANNOUNCER (V/O) Flight 305 to Washington will now be boarding. Will and Meadow stand up and slowly walk away. WILL Hey, I got an idea. MEADOW What? WILL Well why don't we finish our little conversation on the airplane? MEADOW You mean you want to sit by me? WILL Yeah. If you don't mind. MEADOW No, I don't mind. In fact, I'll go get us some seats. She jogs forward. Quickly Brian, Chris, and Stacy run up and walk along with Will. CHRIS I guess that was Meadow. WILL Oh hi guys. BRIAN Well you must like her if you spent practically the whole morning talking to her. STACY What did you guys talk about? WILL Um, Child rapist plays...my love problems...her lama. BRIAN Well she already has a few checks on my list. STACY What's on your list? BRIAN Must be a girl. Have a weird name. Owns a lama. I'm already halfway home. Chris sighs. CHRIS Why don't you just go get us some seats. BRIAN Fine. He and Stacy walk ahead. INT. STUDY HALL – SAME Brock is working on homework. Reicther walks up and sits. He now has little bits of tissue in each nostril. Brock gives him a look but Reicther just smiles. REICTHER Problem solved. Brock's head falls to the table. Words can't describe how he feels about Reicther right now. INT. AIRPORT - GATEWAY – MINUTES LATER Each student are now slowing walking through the gate. Chris and Will are quietly talking to themselves. WILL Well I thought that film was a hit over in England. CHRIS Nah, it was a big bomb. If criminals were looking to hide out somewhere, they would hide in their. WILL Well, it's like that over here. Any British film is usually a bomb. The GIRL working the gate, looks up at them. She reaches in and presses a button on desk. WILL It's kinda of sad. Cause I usually like British films. CHRIS You know almost all superhero movies are bombs over there. WILL Get the fuck out of here. Really? CHRIS Yep. The Hulk, Daredevil, Punisher. WILL Uh...those were actually bombs over here too. They've reached the gate. They both show the girl their ticket. She looks at them. GIRL Uh...I can't let you go in. WILL Why not? GIRL (thinking) Well...uh...see...your ticket...has, um...expired. CHRIS Expired? WILL But these tickets were bought last week. GIRL Um...it must be a computer problem. Just please wait. Meadow comes out of the Tunnel leading to the plane. MEADOW You coming Will? WILL We'll be there soon. This lady is holding up. Save us some seats. She nods and heads back into the tunnel. Suddenly OFFICER MARSH and OFFICER STONE appear. GIRL Quickly! Get the terrorists! CHRIS Terrorists? Where? MARSH Which ones? GIRL These two! She points to Will and Chris. Stone grabs Chris, Marsh grabs Will. CHRIS Wait a just a god damn minute! How are we terrorists? GIRL I heard you and your little conversation about bombs. MARSH Oh? Planning to blow the plane up, huh? WILL What?! STONE Or are you planning take these bombs and blow up something? CHRIS We're just going to Washington D.C. to see – MARSH D.C.!? My God! These little bastards were going right for the center of operations! WILL The hell? Are you people listening to yourselves? We're teenagers for Christ's shake. MARSH Exactly. No one would suspect a couple of kids. CHRIS This is ridiculous. All because we said bomb? The OFFICERS and the girl gasp. MARSH You better shut your mouth. You Al Quada son of a bitch! CHRIS Hell, I'll say it again. Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb. The girl covers her ear and gasps again. STONE That's it. You punks are coming with us! Stone and Marsh begin to drag Will and Chris out of the area, but they put up a fight. CHRIS C'mon! It's just a word! Bomb, bomb, bomb! WILL Chris, shut up! INT. AIRPLANE – SAME Brian is sitting at a window seat, by himself. He is looking forward. After a second he looks out the window. He sighs deeply. BRIAN Stacy. Stacy, who sits in front of Brian, turns around. STACY Yeah? BRIAN Look what's happening at the gate. Stacy looks out her window. STACY Holy shit. STACY'S POV: She can see Will and Chris forcefully being drugged through the airport. Stacy continues to stare, while Brian has his head down. We can faint fully hear Chris yelling "Bomb." INT. INTERROGATION ROOM/AIRPORT – MINUTES LATER Will and Chris sit in two chairs in the middle of an empty room. Will is deep in thought, while Chris stares at the wall. CHRIS Well...I did not see that coming. WILL Why did you keep saying bomb! CHRIS Sorry. I didn't think they would lock us up here. STONE and Marsh enter the room. WILL Uh, sir. When can we leave? MARSH Oh, you can leave when start giving us some answers. STONE If your not terrorists why were you talking so much about bombs for? WILL We weren't talking about real bombs. We were talking about movie bombs. MARSH Movie bombs? WILL Yeah like Daredevil and The Hulk. STONE Hey! The Hulk may have been confusing and miss-directed but it wasn't a bomb damn it! MARSH Stone! Calm down! STONE Sorry, sorry. I just...I just forgot who I was for a moment. Stone walks up against the walk and leans against. Marsh puts his hand on Stone's shoulder. MARSH Hey...your still good cop. Will and Chris seem confused. WILL My God. It's like I've died and gone to Cop drama heaven. Marsh and Stone turn to Will and Chris. STONE Okay, you punks may have been talking about movie bombs. But I still don't believe you. Stone begins to think. STONE Okay. I'll make you a deal. If you tell us where you were hiding your weapons and we'll make it easier on you. WILL We don't have any weapons. CHRIS (to himself) Like we'd tell you anyway. STONE Ha! So you do have weapons! WILL FUCK, CHRIS! CHRIS Wait, a minute! I was only joking! MARSH (to Will) Where are the weapons?! WILL What weapons?! Stone grabs Will's head and slams the side of it against the table. STONE WHERE ARE THE WEAPONS!? WILL (barely able to talk) I...don't have... Stone slams head again. STONE WHERE ARE THEY!? Will looks like he's about to go unconscious. MARSH Forget it, Stone. He ain't talking. Stone lets go of Will's head. Will falls out of his chair and to the ground. Will lifts his head a bit. WILL How come you didn't hurt him? STONE What? Are you crazy? I'm not going to hurt a black kid. Chris seems annoyed. Just then, OFFICER MORRISSEY steps in. MORRISSEY Okay. Let the kids go. STONE Why? MORRISSEY One of their teachers confirmed that they weren't terrorists. He's about to leave when he notices Will on the floor. MORRISSEY What happened to him? STONE Uh...anxiety attack. MORRISSEY Oh. Carry on then. EXT. AIRPORT – LATER THAT DAY Brian and Stacy are waiting by the entrance. Will and Chris stagger out. Will has an ice pack on his head. BRIAN Hey look. It's Osama. CHRIS Shut the hell up, Brian. The four begin to walk into the parking lot. WILL I thought you guys were in D.C. STACY We stayed behind when we saw them dragging you out of the terminal. WILL Did Meadow see? BRIAN Beats me. WILL Shit. Shit. Shit. STACY Why do you have the ice pack for anyway? WILL Apparently I had an (finger quotes) "anxiety attack." And fell out of the chair. Listen, I don't want to talk about it. Let's just get out of here. They look around. STACY Uh-oh. BRIAN What? STACY I didn't bring my car. We rode the bus here, remember? They all disappointed. Brian sighs. BRIAN God damn it. FADE OUT. END OF EPISODE
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