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-------------------------








The Lunchroom

Episode 2x08
"Never Mind the Bollocks"

Written by
Bruce Snyder

Created by
Bruce Snyder




     NEW RECURRING CHARACTER

     MEADOW LE CERVA: 15. Long black hair. Short. Usually, 
     always smiling.


     TEASER

     INT. WILL'S ROOM  DAY

     Will and Joel are sitting on his couch watching TV. The 
     video for Lenny Kavitz's "Where Are We Running" is 
     beginning to play.

                                WILL
                    Oh I love this video.

                                JOEL
                    I didn't know you like Lenny 
                    Kavitz.

                                WILL
                    No. I like the video because I can 
                    do this.

     Will walks over and hits play on his stereo. Old 1920's 
     swing music begins to play. Will walks over and hits 
     mute on his TV.

                                WILL
                    Okay. Now it's better.

     Will and Joel sit and watch. As people do drugs and have 
     sex, the old swing music plays. Joel smiles.

                                JOEL
                    You're right. This is better.

     OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE:

     Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the 
     credits.

     AFTER CREDITS:

     INT. AIRPORT - GATEWAY  EARLY MORNING

     Chris, Stacy, and Brian walk up and each take a seat. 
     Brian yawns.

                                STACY
                   It's five in the morning. I went to 
                   sleep two hours ago. This is not 
                   right.

     Chris takes a out a schedule paper.

                                CHRIS
                   Okay. We leave in an hour and half. 
                   We'll get there at ten. Leave at 
                   eight and get back on midnight.

                                BRIAN
                   I'd like to meet the idiot who 
                   thought of the idea of traveling 
                   all the way to D.C., tour around it, 
                   all in one day.

                                STACY
                   Probably the guy who didn't want to 
                   rent out a hotel for us.

                                CHRIS
                   At least we don't have to go to 
                   school and don't have to do any 
                   work.

     Brian is looking around.

                                BRIAN
                   Where did Will go?

                                STACY
                   He went off to talk to that Meadow 
                   girl.

     Stacy reaches over and grabs a paperback novel.

                                CHRIS
                   There's a girl named Meadow?

                                BRIAN
                   Don't look at me. I didn't name 
                   her.

     INT. AIRPORT  FOOD COURT  SAME

     Will and MEADOW LE CERVA are at a McDonald's. The man 
     hands Meadow a small drink and hands Will a gigantic 
     cup.

                                MEADOW
                   Jesus.

                                WILL
                   Hey, get off my ass. I need to wake 
                   up.

     They begin to walk away.

                                MEADOW
                   Okay. You were in the middle of a 
                   story.

                                WILL
                   Okay, so I'm going on and on to her. 
                   And finally after a few minutes of 
                   talking I finally say "Honey...I 
                   love you." I hear no response. So I 
                   figure that she's just stunned by 
                   what I've said. So (chuckles) I go 
                   over and see that's she been 
                   sleeping.

     Will laughs. Meadow also laughs but also looks sad.

                                MEADOW
                   Oh, I'm sorry about that Will.

                                WILL
                   It's okay.
 
                                MEADOW
                   Did you ever really tell her?

                                WILL
                   Nah. We broke up a couple of days 
                   later.

                                MEADOW
                   Why?
 
                                WILL
                             (laughing)
                   Because I thought she wasn't 
                   listening to me enough.

     She laughs.

     INT. STUDY HALL  LATER THAT DAY

     Reicther and Brock sit at a table. Brock is working on 
     homework. Reicther is reading a book. We notice that 
     Reicther's eyes are red. He sniffs a bit. Brock looks up 
     at him, before going back to work.

     Pause. Suddenly Reicther sneezes. It goes all over the 
     table (and some on Brock.)

                                BROCK
                   Oh God, Reicther.

     (NOTE: All during this episode Reicther's voice is 
     different because his nose is stuffed up.)

                                REICTHER
                              (in pain)
                   Oh...my chest.

                                BROCK
                   Haven't heard of covering your 
                   mouth?

     Reicther covers his mouth.

                                REICTHER
                   Man I'm sick.

                                BROCK
                   No shit.

                                REICTHER
                   This all started when we went over 
                   to Brian's house. It's headquarters
                   for germs.

     Reicther sneezes again.

                                REICTHER
                   I've got to do something about this.

     He looks around.

     INT. AIRPORT  TERMINAL - A LITTLE LATER

     Stacy is sitting, reading a book. Chris is looking over 
     the paper. Brian appears with a Bible.

                                STACY
                    Where did you get that?

                                BRIAN
                    Some bald guy gave it to me.

                                STACY
                    I didn't know you read the bible.

                                BRIAN
                    I don't. But I never pass up 
                    anything that's free.

     Chris sighs.

                                CHRIS
                    So much about politics in the news.

                                BRIAN
                             (about Bible)
                    Hell. No pictures.

                                STACY
                    What's new today, anyway?

                                CHRIS
                    Well, front page says "President 
                    goes on Vacation."

                                STACY
                    That's it?

                                CHRIS
                    Yep. Sad ain't it?

                                BRIAN
                    What you got something against our 
                    Politics?

                                CHRIS
                    Now I'm saying nothing. All I'll 
                    say is that the three most powerful 
                    people in this country are Bush, 
                    Dick, and Colon.

     INT. AIRPORT  ANOTHER PART OF THTE TERMINAL  SAME

     Will and Meadow are walking around, talking.

                                MEADOW
                    So the whole play was this weird 
                    thing about this child rapist.

                                WILL
                    Child rapist?

                                MEADOW
                    A whole three hour play about a 
                    child rapist. I mean the violence 
                    was so graphic.

                                WILL
                    Uh-oh. Look what someone left 
                    behind.

     PULL BACK to REVEAL a bag cart.

                                MEADOW
                    It's a bag cart. So what?

                                WILL
                    You obviously haven't been to too 
                    many airports.

     He takes the cart.

                                WILL
                    Follow me.

     He pushes the cart, with Meadow right behind him.

     CART RETURN 

     Will pushes the bag cart into it.

                                MEADOW
                    You wanted to return it?

                                WILL
                    Watch this.

     A quarter pops outs of the machine.

                                WILL
                    Hizah.

     He takes it.

                                MEADOW
                    A machine that gives you money. 
                    Well, I say God bless America.

                                WILL
                    Stay here, I'm going to find some 
                    more.

                                MEADOW
                    Screw that, I want free money.

     They walk off.

     INT. STUDY HALL - SAME

     Reicther walks up carrying a can. He sits down. Brock 
     looks up from his work.

                                BROCK
                    Oh lord. What's that for?

                                REICTHER
                    Well. If I have to sneeze anymore I 
                    just sneeze into the can.

     Reicther puts the can on the table.

                                BROCK
                    Oh I've got to see this.

     Pause.

                                BROCK
                    Well?

                                REICTHER
                    Give me sec.

     Pause.

                                REICTHER
                    Crap. I can't do it on th 

     Reicther quickly sneezes into the can. He hits his 
     noose against it, hard.

                                REICTHER
                    Oh God my nose!

     He holds it.

     INT. AIRPORT  TERMINAL  SAME

     Will and Meadow are sitting in a pair of seats. No one 
     else is around. They are talking quietly to themselves.

                                ANNOUNCER (V/O)
                    Flight 305 to Washington will now 
                    be boarding.

     Will and Meadow stand up and slowly walk away.

                                WILL
                    Hey, I got an idea.

                                MEADOW
                    What?

                                WILL
                    Well why don't we finish our little 
                    conversation on the airplane?

                                MEADOW
                    You mean you want to sit by me?

                                WILL
                    Yeah. If you don't mind.

                                MEADOW
                    No, I don't mind. In fact, I'll go 
                    get us some seats.

     She jogs forward. Quickly Brian, Chris, and Stacy run up 
     and walk along with Will.

                                CHRIS
                    I guess that was Meadow.

                                WILL
                    Oh hi guys.

                                BRIAN
                    Well you must like her if you spent 
                    practically the whole morning 
                    talking to her. 

                                STACY
                    What did you guys talk about?

                                WILL
                    Um, Child rapist plays...my love 
                    problems...her lama.

                                BRIAN
                    Well she already has a few checks 
                    on my list.

                                STACY
                    What's on your list?

                                BRIAN
                    Must be a girl. Have a weird name. 
                    Owns a lama. I'm already halfway 
                    home.

     Chris sighs.

                               CHRIS
                    Why don't you just go get us some 
                    seats.

                               BRIAN
                    Fine.

     He and Stacy walk ahead.

     INT. STUDY HALL  SAME

     Brock is working on homework. Reicther walks up and 
     sits. He now has little bits of tissue in each nostril. 
     Brock gives him a look but Reicther just smiles.

                               REICTHER
                    Problem solved.

     Brock's head falls to the table. Words can't describe 
     how he feels about Reicther right now.

     INT. AIRPORT - GATEWAY  MINUTES LATER

     Each student are now slowing walking through the gate. 
     Chris and Will are quietly talking to themselves.

                                WILL
                    Well I thought that film was a hit 
                    over in England.

                                CHRIS
                    Nah, it was a big bomb. If 
                    criminals were looking to hide out 
                    somewhere, they would hide in their.

                                WILL
                    Well, it's like that over here. Any 
                    British film is usually a bomb.

     The GIRL working the gate, looks up at them. She reaches 
     in and presses a button on desk.

                                WILL
                    It's kinda of sad. Cause I usually 
                    like British films.

                                CHRIS
                    You know almost all superhero 
                    movies are bombs over there.
		
                                WILL
                    Get the fuck out of here. Really?

                                CHRIS
                    Yep. The Hulk, Daredevil, Punisher.

                                WILL
                    Uh...those were actually bombs over 
                    here too.

     They've reached the gate. They both show the girl their 
     ticket. She looks at them.

                                GIRL
                    Uh...I can't let you go in.

                                WILL
                    Why not?

                                GIRL
                             (thinking)
                    Well...uh...see...your ticket...has, 
                    um...expired.

                                CHRIS
                    Expired?

                                WILL 
                    But these tickets were bought last 
                    week.

                                GIRL
                    Um...it must be a computer problem. 
                    Just please wait.

     Meadow comes out of the Tunnel leading to the plane.

                                MEADOW
                    You coming Will?

                                WILL
                    We'll be there soon. This lady is 
                    holding up. Save us some seats.

     She nods and heads back into the tunnel. Suddenly OFFICER 
     MARSH and OFFICER STONE appear.

                                GIRL
                    Quickly! Get the terrorists!

                                CHRIS
                    Terrorists? Where?

                                MARSH
                    Which ones?

                                GIRL
                    These two!

     She points to Will and Chris. Stone grabs Chris, Marsh 
     grabs Will.

                                CHRIS
                    Wait a just a god damn minute! How 
                    are we terrorists?

                                GIRL
                    I heard you and your little 
                    conversation about bombs.

                                MARSH
                    Oh? Planning to blow the plane up, 
                    huh?

                                WILL
                    What?!

                                STONE
                    Or are you planning take these 
                    bombs and blow up something? 

                                CHRIS
                    We're just going to Washington D.C. 
                    to see 

                                MARSH
                    D.C.!? My God! These little 
                    bastards were going right for 
                    the center of operations!

                                WILL
                    The hell? Are you people listening 
                    to yourselves? We're teenagers for 
                    Christ's shake.

                                MARSH
                    Exactly. No one would suspect a 
                    couple of kids.

                                CHRIS
                    This is ridiculous. All because we 
                    said bomb?

     The OFFICERS and the girl gasp.

                                MARSH
                    You better shut your mouth. You Al 
                    Quada son of a bitch!

                                CHRIS
                    Hell, I'll say it again. Bomb, bomb, 
                    bomb, bomb.

     The girl covers her ear and gasps again.

                                STONE
                    That's it. You punks are coming 
                    with us!

     Stone and Marsh begin to drag Will and Chris out of the 
     area, but they put up a fight.

                                CHRIS
                    C'mon! It's just a word! Bomb, bomb, 
                    bomb!

                                WILL
                    Chris, shut up!

     INT. AIRPLANE  SAME

     Brian is sitting at a window seat, by himself. He is 
     looking forward. After a second he looks out the window. 
     He sighs deeply.

                                BRIAN
                    Stacy.

     Stacy, who sits in front of Brian, turns around.

                                STACY
                    Yeah?

                                BRIAN
                    Look what's happening at the gate.

     Stacy looks out her window.

                                STACY
                    Holy shit.

     STACY'S POV:

     She can see Will and Chris forcefully being drugged 
     through the airport.

     Stacy continues to stare, while Brian has his head down. 
     We can faint fully hear Chris yelling "Bomb."

     INT. INTERROGATION ROOM/AIRPORT  MINUTES LATER

     Will and Chris sit in two chairs in the middle of an 
     empty room. Will is deep in thought, while Chris stares 
     at the wall.

                                CHRIS
                    Well...I did not see that coming.

                                WILL
                    Why did you keep saying bomb!

                                CHRIS
                    Sorry. I didn't think they would 
                    lock us up here.

     STONE and Marsh enter the room.

                                WILL
                    Uh, sir. When can we leave?

                                MARSH
                    Oh, you can leave when start giving 
                    us some answers.

                                STONE
                    If your not terrorists why were you 
                    talking so much about bombs for?

                                WILL
                    We weren't talking about real bombs. 
                    We were talking about movie bombs.

                                MARSH
                    Movie bombs?

                                WILL
                    Yeah like Daredevil and The Hulk.

                                STONE
                    Hey! The Hulk may have been 
                    confusing and miss-directed but it 
                    wasn't a bomb damn it!

                                MARSH
                    Stone! Calm down!

                                STONE
                    Sorry, sorry. I just...I just forgot 
                    who I was for a moment.

     Stone walks up against the walk and leans against. 
     Marsh puts his hand on Stone's shoulder.

                                MARSH
                    Hey...your still good cop.

     Will and Chris seem confused.

                                WILL
                    My God. It's like I've died and 
                    gone to Cop drama heaven.

     Marsh and Stone turn to Will and Chris.

                                STONE
                    Okay, you punks may have been 
                    talking about movie bombs. But I 
                    still don't believe you.

     Stone begins to think.

                                STONE
                    Okay. I'll make you a deal. If you 
                    tell us where you were hiding your 
                    weapons and we'll make it easier on 
                    you.

                                WILL
                    We don't have any weapons.

                                CHRIS
                            (to himself)
                    Like we'd tell you anyway.

                                STONE
                    Ha! So you do have weapons!

                                WILL
                    FUCK, CHRIS!

                                CHRIS
                    Wait, a minute! I was only joking!

                                MARSH
                              (to Will)
                    Where are the weapons?!

                                WILL
                    What weapons?!

     Stone grabs Will's head and slams the side of it against 
     the table.

                                STONE
                    WHERE ARE THE WEAPONS!?

                                WILL
                        (barely able to talk)
                    I...don't have...

     Stone slams head again.
 
                                STONE
                    WHERE ARE THEY!?

     Will looks like he's about to go unconscious.

                                MARSH
                    Forget it, Stone. He ain't talking.

     Stone lets go of Will's head. Will falls out of his 
     chair and to the ground.

     Will lifts his head a bit.

                                WILL
                    How come you didn't hurt him?

                                STONE
                    What? Are you crazy? I'm not going 
                    to hurt a black kid.

     Chris seems annoyed. Just then, OFFICER MORRISSEY steps 
     in.

                                MORRISSEY
                    Okay. Let the kids go.

                                STONE
                    Why?

                                MORRISSEY
                    One of their teachers confirmed 
                    that they weren't terrorists.

     He's about to leave when he notices Will on the floor.

                                MORRISSEY
                    What happened to him?

                                STONE
                    Uh...anxiety attack.

                                MORRISSEY
                    Oh. Carry on then.

     EXT. AIRPORT  LATER THAT DAY

     Brian and Stacy are waiting by the entrance. Will and 
     Chris stagger out. Will has an ice pack on his head.

                                BRIAN
                    Hey look. It's Osama.

                                CHRIS
                    Shut the hell up, Brian.

     The four begin to walk into the parking lot.

                                WILL
                    I thought you guys were in D.C.

                                STACY
                    We stayed behind when we saw them 
                    dragging you out of the terminal.

                                WILL
                    Did Meadow see?

                                BRIAN
                    Beats me.

                                WILL
                    Shit. Shit. Shit.

                                STACY
                    Why do you have the ice pack for 
                    anyway?

                                WILL
                    Apparently I had an (finger quotes) 
                    "anxiety attack." And fell out of 
                    the chair. Listen, I don't want to 
                    talk about it. Let's just get out 
                    of here.

     They look around.

                                STACY
                    Uh-oh.

                                BRIAN
                    What?

                                STACY
                    I didn't bring my car. We rode the 
                    bus here, remember?

     They all disappointed. Brian sighs.
   
                                BRIAN
                    God damn it.  
 
                                                  FADE OUT.
                           
                            END OF EPISODE

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