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INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Our hero JIM KRAMER frantically paces around his room. He is 17 years old, average height and build with brown hair. It's about 10:30 at night. His room is somewhat of a mess, but there is an order to this chaos. As we pan across the room we see piles of magazines, a guitar and amplifier, several racks of DVD's, and a television. Jim wears an expression of disbelief. He calms down and then climbs into his bed. CUT TO: CLOSEUP - JIM'S FACE JIM (starts to cry) There's no way. She wouldn't do that. She wouldn't... TITLE CARD: "THE LIFE AND TIMES OF JIM KRAMER" CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "AND SO IT BEGINS" INT. FILMORE PREP CAFETERIA - MORNING We fade in on the cafeteria of the prestigious Filmore Preparatory School, one of the finest all male Jesuit high schools on the east coast. The cafeteria if filled with students occupying both circular and long lunch tables. Those not lucky enough to find a seat stand by the tables that include their lucky friends. The Filmore uniform consists of: dress shirt, tie, khakis and suit jacket. We pan across the various groups of friends and cliques throughout the cafeteria. We stop on the section at the far end of the room by the vending machines. This section is composed of only circular lunch tables, and is inhabited by the seniors. Our main character Jim sits with his friends LAWRENCE, HARVARD, and BLIMP. Lawrence is the self-proclaimed "leader" of the group, and has a very foul mouth. Harvard is the brains of the outfit, and has a habit of using British slang. Blimp is extremely tall and lanky, and is constantly eating. LAWRENCE (whipping his forehead) The first fucking day and I'm already sweating my ass off. Now that's a fucking omen if I've ever seen one. HARVARD I think it's do to the over abundance of people in here chap. LAWRENCE No fucking shit. BLIMP (to Lawrence) So much anger. So much fire inside. LAWRENCE It feels like the Devil himself is farting on my face. HARVARD So very eloquent LAWRENCE So's your mother. HARVARD Oh boy, I've waited all summer for you to make fun of mother. LAWRENCE Mother? You're just gonna make it that easy for me this year, aren't you? HARVARD Slag-off. Jim sits up in his chair. JIM I don't know why you're complaining. I'm actually quite comfortable. LAWRENCE Jim. JIM Yes? LAWRENCE (sarcastic) I hate you so much. JIM (caressing Lawrence's arm) I love you too sweetie. BLIMP Can any of you believe we're actually here? I mean senior year, it's just so- JIM (bitterly) -cliche? BLIMP I was aiming for something along the lines of unbelievable, but thanks for shooting that out of the sky. JIM Blimp, my apologies. Rough summer. LAWRENCE What the fuck is your problem? JIM Where should I begin? LAWRENCE Ah, I know exactly what it is. Still no developments on the lady front? JIM And bingo was his name-oh. LAWRENCE Well let me ask you this. Did you even make an attempt this summer? The slightest little bit of effort to get freaky with a member of the opposite sex? JIM Not really. No. LAWRENCE Ladies and gentlemen I think I may have cracked the case of Jim's virginity wide open. JIM Well, I kind of made an attempt, in a matter of speaking. My cousin dragged me to this stupid party. I saw this cute girl from across the room. We made eye contact. She smiled. I smiled. Then the next time I saw her she was throwing up in a plant. LAWRENCE (in disgust) Jesus H. Christ dying on the cross! A PRIEST walks by. Lawrence's tone changes from demeaning and filthy to 1950's "Leave it to Beaver" polite and proper. LAWRENCE (CONT'D) Why hello there father! PRIEST Good morning gentleman. It's nice to see you all made it back. Lawrence, how are your folks? LAWRENCE Oh they're just swell. PRIEST Great. Tell them I said hi. LAWRENCE I sure will. The Priest leaves. LAWRENCE (CONT'D) (back to filthy) So back to you getting no pussy this summer. JIM Swell? INT. FILMORE PREP HALLWAYS - AFTER SCHOOL - DAY Jim and Lawrence walk trough the hallway to their row of lockers. JIM And so it begins, another year at Filmore. LAWRENCE I can't wait to leave this shit box behind. JIM I hear that. College can not come soon enough. LAWRENCE Do yo have any idea where you want to go yet? JIM I haven't the slightest clue. LAWRENCE Well let's not talk about that right now. It's too depressing. What we should talk about is your ineffectiveness up to this point, with the females. JIM Must we? LAWRENCE You bet your ass we must. Jim and Lawrence arrive at their lockers. JIM I don't know what it is. Girls are very intimidating. When I'm around them I just clam up. I'm not my usual witty, charming self. LAWRENCE (sarcastic) Yeah they're really missing out on that charm. JIM The few times I even come in contact with a girl I never know what to say. I become this nervous wreck, bumbling around and trying to be funny, which I never am. But when I replay the conversation over in my head at home, I know exactly what to say. At home I'm like fucking Sinatra, cool as ice. LAWRENCE Then girls are your weakness. JIM They're my kryptonite. LAWRENCE So that would make you Superman? JIM Call me Kal-El Kramer. LAWRENCE Okay let's just forget about that comparison for now and let's worry about tonight, because tonight I am going to fix all of your problems. JIM Oh God. Please don't. LAWRENCE You know Morris right? JIM Who that jock piece of shit from Riverdale? LAWRENCE The very same. JIM I know him. LAWRENCE Tonight he is throwing a big get together at his house. JIM A party already? Today's the first day of school. LAWRENCE And your point? JIM Boy you alcoholics don't waste any time, do you? LAWRENCE Nope. We are very efficient when it comes to getting drunk. We take every chance we can get. But that is besides the point. I happen to know that there will be some fine trim- JIM (interrupting) -Trim? LAWRENCE Yeah. A lot of it. Jim rolls his eyes. LAWRENCE (CONT'D) It'll be a fun little evening. I'll introduce you to some nice girls- JIM But- LAWRENCE And you'll have me as your wing man. JIM (defiantly) No. LAWRENCE Great. I'll be around at about nine ish. JIM You do realize I said no, right? LAWRENCE Oh you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Lawrence leaves and proceeds down the stairwell next to the lockers. LAWRENCE (CONT'D) Nine o'clock. (Pause) Bitch. JIM Okay fine. Since I've officially reached rock bottom I'll come along. But I'm not staying very long. And there better not be any of those big red plastic cups there. I swear the second I see one of those cups, I'm gonna fucking lose it. JUMP CUT TO: CLOSEUP - BIG RED PLASTIC CUP INT. MORRIS' HOUSE - NIGHT The camera dollies up from the cup sitting on a table to reveal the party taking place in Morris' house. The house is full of kids. We see them drinking, dancing, passed out, talking, making out, etc. TITLE CARD: "SHE'S SO HEAVY" Jim and Lawrence enter the party. JIM I can't believe it's come to this. LAWRENCE The 'tang is in full effect tonight. JIM Right, 'tang. LAWRENCE Don't be like that. JIM Like what? LAWRENCE Like, "Oh I'm Jim. I'm to cool for parties. I'm a little girl." Jim stares at Lawrence and shakes his head. LAWRENCE (CONT'D) I promise you that tonight is the first night of the rest of your life. Harvard shouts from the kitchen. HARVARD Hello there mates! JIM Oh thank God, someone sane. INT. MORRIS' KITCHEN - NIGHT Jim and Lawrence enter the kitchen. There are a number of people scattered throughout the room, mainly around the keg. LAWRENCE Harvard my man. What's the good word? HARVARD Same old, same old. Quite a little party we got here, eh? LAWRENCE It's happening alright. JIM I kinda feel bad for the parents though. Where do you think Mr. & Mrs. Morris are tonight? Maybe away for the weekend celebrating a wedding anniversary or a birthday, having a great time. Maybe even having a little sex. Yet not knowing that their son is home mocking their faith in him by throwing a party. Those poor bastards. Harvard and Lawrence stare at Jim in awe. LAWRENCE Man you better find yourself a crazy piece of ass tonight, completely out of her mind. That will straighten you out you cynical bastard. JIM (sarcastic) I should only be so lucky. LAWRENCE (to Harvard) And where be the Blimp? HARVARD I'm not quite sure. He was just here a minute ago. The bloke's already drunk. JIM Really? HARVARD Yeah. He should really learn to control himself. That stuff's no good for ya. Harvard fills up two cups from the keg. HARVARD (CONT'D) Fancy a beer? He hands the cups to Jim and Lawrence HARVARD (CONT'D) Cheers. Lawrence begins drinking. Jim moves to the sink and pours out his glass. He goes to the refrigerator and takes out a bottle of soda. He pours himself a glass and raises it. JIM (shouting sarcastically) Let's get this fucking party started! The crowd in the kitchen turns to him. JIM (CONT'D) Woooooo! Everyone cheers wildly. LAWRENCE What a funny fuck. JIM Hey, I have to try and create some good out of what promises to be a terrible night. HARVARD Come on, there are some lovely birds here tonight. LAWRENCE And there goes one now. TIFFANY walks through the living room while being followed by a camera crew. She comes off as prissy and stuck up. Someone who's too cool for the party. JIM Who the hell is that and why is she being filmed? LAWRENCE You haven't heard? JIM No, I haven't. And something tells me that from your impending explanation I really don't want to hear. But just because I'm such a good sport I'll bite. Who is she? LAWRENCE That's Tiffany. JIM Tiffany? LAWRENCE Tiffany. You know Higgins right? JIM Yeah, he's a good kid. LAWRENCE Great kid. Well that's his girlfriend. JIM Stop. Her? LAWRENCE Yep. JIM Poor Higgins. LAWRENCE No, try lucky son-of-a-bitch Higgins. JIM Are you serious? You would date that? LAWRENCE Oh I would do more that date that. JIM I'm not all that surprised. But why the hell is she being filmed? LAWRENCE (trying to sound intelligent) Well apparently she's a big fixture on the Manhattan party scene, a socialite if you will. And her father is the editor-in-chief of the New Yorker. JIM So that warrants her having her own (Makes air quotes) "reality" show? LAWRENCE It appears that it does. JIM Her father is the head of probably one of the most intellectual publications, and she seems like a vapid bitch who has been screwed more times than she's washed her hands. LAWRENCE With a TV show. HARVARD And bloody gorgeous. JIM I don't think my stomach can take any more. I'm gonna go take the tour. LAWRENCE I'll come with. Harvy you wait here and keep staring at Tiffany. (Makes heavenly choir sound) HARVARD (salivating) Will do mate. LAWRENCE (to Jim) Onward and upward. INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT Jim and Lawrence walk down the hallway and poke their heads into the first bedroom on the right. The room is decorated in a very girly motif with pink walls. JIM This must be Morris' sister's room. LAWRENCE What gave it away? Maybe the pink walls? Or maybe it's the- A noise is heard from the closet on the far side of the room. A very drunk Blimp emerges from the closet. LAWRENCE (CONT'D) -And there be the Blimp. BLIMP (drunk) Hey best buddies in the whole world. JIM Dude what the hell are you doing- BLIMP (interrupting) -Senior year! Wooooo! JIM (finishing his statement) -in that poor girl's closet? BLIMP I thought there were girls in there. JIM And there weren't? BLIMP I like pink. LAWRENCE Man I wish I could get this on tape. Blimp moves toward Lawrence and trips and falls over his own feet. LAWRENCE (CONT'D) Alright come here big guy. No more booze for you. Lawrence helps up Blimp. BLIMP (saddened) No more boobs? But I love boobs. LAWRENCE (to Jim) I'm gonna take him downstairs. You go on and finish the tour without me. JIM Alright. You go take care of him now. LAWRENCE I'll try. JIM I was talking to Blimp. LAWRENCE Hardy-fucking-har. BLIMP I need to take care of boobs. Blimp and Lawrence leave the room and head downstairs. Jim continues down the hallway. He goes down to the room at the end of the hall. This room belongs to Morris. Jim stands in the doorway. INT. MORRIS' BEDROOM - NIGHT JIM'S POV Morris' bedroom is neat and well kept. As we pan across from the left side to the right we see various sports trophies and awards, posters of famous sports figures on the wall, a bed, a dresser, and a computer resting on a desk equipped with a chair. On the right side of the room we see Morris' dresser. There is a girl standing in front of it. We are unable to see her face. This is ABBEY. She takes off the bracelet from her wrist and then places it on the dresser. Then she momentarily looks up at herself in the mirror. Jim is still in the doorway. He inches forward causing the floorboards to creek. Abbey instantly whips her head to see who is there. In doing so she makes eye contact with Jim. This is our first glimpse of Abbey head on. She is 17 years old, normal height with long brown hair and strikingly beautiful blue eyes. She appears both gorgeous and innocent at the same time. Jim remains in the doorway. JIM (nervous) Sorry. Jim quickly walks away. Abbey calls from the room. ABBEY No wait come back. Jim hesitates, then goes back and stands in the doorway. JIM Sorry. I didn't realize anyone was in here. ABBEY Stop apologizing. It's no big deal. JIM Are you sure? ABBEY Am I sure? Yes I'm sure. You just scared me a bit, that's all. I mean its not like I was getting dressed and you saw me naked or anything like that. JIM Yeah. That would have been bad. ABBEY (playfully) Bad? Why? (Beat) Are you gay? JIM (nervous) Gay? Me? No. No definitely not gay. Very straight. As straight as a hundred-eighty degrees. ABBEY So then seeing me with no clothes on wouldn't be that bad for you, would it? JIM Um... ABBEY Relax. I'm just messing with you. I get a little jokey when I'm around cute guys. JIM What? ABBEY I'm Abbey. JIM Jim. ABBEY Very nice to meet you nervous Jim. JIM (checking his forehead for sweat) Nervous? I'm not nervous. ABBEY Oh come one, you make Woody Allen look like James Bond. I mean I can see you sweating from here. JIM (nervously) Really? I mean it is a little hot in this hallway, but I'm not- ABBEY -I'm kidding. Remember? JIM Jokey, right. How could I have forgot? ABBEY Stick around, you'll catch on. JIM I bet I'll have no choice. ABBEY So how about coming in here and keeping me company. JIM (hesitates) But what if there's an earthquake. ABBEY Huh? JIM Joke. ABBEY Oh. So you get like that too? JIM Are you trying to say that I think you're cute? ABBEY Do you? JIM That's for me to know and you to find out. ABBEY Pretty slick Woody. JIM Not bad, right? Jim walks in and sits in the chair at the computer desk. Abbey sits on the bed. ABBEY So I guess you're not much for parties. JIM What makes you say that? ABBEY You're up here with me and not downstairs with everyone else, partying. JIM Yeah I'm not really one for gatherings like this. ABBEY So then why did you come? JIM Let's just say I'm here against my own free will. ABBEY Aww, poor baby. JIM I really can't stand these things. ABBEY Why? JIM I don't know. I guess it's just not my scene. All the loud obnoxious music and drunk idiots running around, trying to get laid. It's not my thing. I prefer more traditional means of entertainment. Pin the tail on the donkey, some charades, maybe even a pinata. ABBEY The time honored classics. JIM But then again I haven't been to a party since I was about six, so that may be the reason. My friend dragged me here to meet girls. But I honestly don't like any of the girls here. ABBEY Really? So you are gay? JIM No. No I'm not. I'm into girls, just not those kinds of girls. ABBEY What kind? JIM Materialistic, prissy, self obsessed girls. Like that Tiffany. ABBEY (sarcastic) She's a keeper. JIM It's so frustrating to see everyone fawning over that waste of space. ABBEY Preach. JIM But I guess coming to something like this has it's advantages. Free chips and soda for one. ABBEY And me. JIM You? ABBEY Yeah me. JIM Well... Abbey makes a cute frowning puppy dog face. JIM (CONT'D) I mean I've only known you for about two minutes. There could be a dark side to you that I haven't seen yet. ABBEY (smiling) Shut up. Abbey smiles. There is a brief awkward silence. JIM So why are you up here? ABBEY That's for me to know and you to find out. JIM Well played. ABBEY Why thank you. But that mention of chips is making me hungry. JIM Yeah me too. ABBEY So this is how we're gonna do this. You go downstairs and get some chips and soda, while I stay here and look oh so adorable in the process. Abbey smiles. She is adorable, as promised. CUT TO: INT. MORRIS' KITCHEN - NIGHT Jim rushes into the kitchen area. Lawrence and Harvard are standing by the sink. JIM (frantic) I need chips, stat! LAWRENCE What? Jim opens the refrigerator and grabs the bottle of soda. JIM (searching for cups) How's it coming with the chips? LAWRENCE Why? JIM I just need the chips dammit, please don't ask why. LAWRENCE Why? JIM Because. LAWRENCE Because why. JIM Do you speak English? LAWRENCE What? JIM English motherfucker, do you speak it? LAWRENCE Yeah I speak it Jules. Come on Harvy lets go find this prick some chips. TITLE CARD: "WHAT ABOUT MONKEYS?" INT. MORRIS' BEDROOM - NIGHT Jim walks in with a bowl of chips, a bottle of soda, and two cups. Abbey isn't there. JIM Don't tell me she was a fucking mirage. Abbey sneaks in from the hallway. She creeps up behind Jim. ABBEY (shouts) I'm right here Jim. Jim jumps causing the chips to fall on the floor. JIM Jesus Christ! Abbey starts laughing hysterically. ABBEY (while laughing) Well now I know you're not an Atheist. Jim turns and faces Abbey. JIM You think that was funny? ABBEY (still giggling) Extremely. JIM Well I don't. ABBEY But I do, and that's all that matters. JIM See I knew you had some kind of dark side. ABBEY Maybe. JIM Can I ask why you felt the need to scare the living shit out of me? ABBEY I'm not really sure. JIM Not really sure? ABBEY I guess you can say I was in the mood for a good laugh. JIM A good laugh? ABBEY Yeah. I can never resist an opportunity to laugh. It's a very important human response. It's what separates us from the animals. JIM What about monkeys? I've seen monkeys laugh. ABBEY Yeah but its not the same. JIM How is it not the same? ABBEY It's just not. Abbey smiles and eyes Jim down. Her look reads, "Don't try and continue. There's no hope." JIM Alright whatever. I don't want to get into a heated debate about laughing monkeys. Help me clean up this mess that you're responsible for. ABBEY Me? You were the one who dropped the chips. JIM Yes, but I was provoked. ABBEY Forget about it. Just leave them there. JIM Surely you're kidding me right? ABBEY I'm not kidding. And my name's not Shirley, it's Abbey. JIM (sarcastic) Ha ha. ABBEY Listen, don't worry, I know Morris. He won't mind. JIM Really? ABBEY Yeah. Trust me, when he comes in here the chips will be the least of his worries. JIM How do you know that? ABBEY I just do. Call me Carnac. Now come on and let's go get some real food. There's a diner right around here, that's if you don't mind leaving. JIM I definitely don't mind. But I came with someone else so- ABBEY Don't worry Woody, I'll drive. CUT TO: CLOSEUP - PEBBLE BROOK DINER SIGN INT. PEBBLE BROOK DINER - NIGHT The diner has somewhat of a retro feel to it. There aren't many people there on account of it being so late at night. Jim and Abbey sit in a booth by the window. They are already eating. JIM (looking around) So this seems like a nice place. ABBEY Yeah, the old reliable P.B.D. Jim spots the banner above the counter. JIM (reading the banner) "Voted Best Diner 2002, 2004". What happened during '03? ABBEY Money laundering, racketeering, you know the usual. JIM Wow. So we may actually be eating in some sort of front operation? ABBEY Maybe. JIM That makes this place all the more intriguing. I mean God knows what's going on in that kitchen. ABBEY Definitely some funny business. JIM If you find a finger in your coleslaw, I think we might need to notify the proper authorities. Abbey laughs. ABBEY So what's your story? JIM My story? ABBEY Yeah. Spill. JIM I don't really think I have a story. ABBEY Of course you do, everyone does. JIM Then what's yours. ABBEY Oh no mister, you're not getting off easy. I asked you first, so you better get with it and make with some details. JIM Details of what? I'm not all that interesting. ABBEY I'll be the judge of that. JIM Fine, but I'm not responsible for your boredom and excessive yawning. ABBEY A risk I'm willing to take. Now stop stalling and go on. JIM Okay, where do I begin? (Trying to be funny) Well my name's Jim, naturally. Let's see, I enjoy herbal tea, sunrises, quilts- ABBEY (peeved) That's not funny. JIM It's not? ABBEY Okay maybe just a little. But I want you to take this seriously. JIM Alright then one thing I can tell you about me is that I'm not that serious. ABBEY Now we're getting somewhere, kinda. JIM I tend to put a good face on things. Keep them fresh and hip. ABBEY Hip? JIM Not like GQ hip. More like Jim hip. ABBEY And what exactly is Jim hip? JIM It can't really be described in words. It can only be experienced. Like a Tarantino movie. ABBEY Oh so you're a Tarantino fan too? JIM Too? So that means you're a fan? ABBEY God yes. JIM (surprised) Wow that is so kick ass. I mean I wouldn't have pegged you as someone who is. ABBEY Why not? JIM You just look to innocent a person to be into the kinds of movies where dudes get their ears chopped off by psychopaths dancing to pop songs. ABBEY You'd be surprised about what I'm in to. Don't let my stunning good looks give you the wrong impression. JIM Ladies and gentleman, I give you miss modesty. Abbey pretends to wave to her adoring public. ABBEY Thank you. Thank you. You're far to kind. Jim smiles. They share a moment. The two of them go on to talk for hours. INT. ABBEY'S CAR (MOVING) - NIGHT Abbey and Jim are driving home from the diner. JIM Thanks for driving me home. You really don't have to. ABBEY What was I gonna do, leave you at the front operation for god knows what? Who knows what would have happened to you. I mean one minute you're eating grilled cheese the next you're waking up in a bath tub full of ice without your kidneys. Jim stares at her. JIM You are out of your mind. ABBEY Yeah, that's what my doctors tell me. EXT. JIM KRAMER'S HOUSE - NIGHT Jim and Abbey walk up the steps and stand on the porch in front of the door. ABBEY So are your parents gonna mind you coming home this late? JIM Please, I make my own rules. I tell them when to go to bed. ABBEY Sure you do. JIM You don't believe me? ABBEY Nope. I can see right through you. Right now your thinking to yourself, "Man I hope they're both sleeping. I don't want them to yell at me. I can't take another time out." JIM (sincerely) You're unbelievable. Abbey abruptly leans in and kisses Jim. ABBEY (smiling) Thank you. Thank you. You are far too kind. CUT TO: INT. FILMORE PREP CAFETERIA - DAY Jim, Lawrence, and Blimp are sitting at the round tables in front of the soda machine. Lawrence is resting his feet on an empty chair. Blimp is eating a cheeseburger. LAWRENCE (to Jim) No fucking way! JIM All true. LAWRENCE Shut the fuck up! JIM Every word. I still can't believe it. Lawrence lifts his feet from the chair and sits upright with his hands folded on the table. LAWRENCE I don't believe you. JIM Why not? LAWRENCE Because you're just too damn desperate. And when someone's in your position, i.e. a wussy virgin, they begin to make shit up in order to feel accepted among his or her peers, who actually get laid. You think to yourself, "Hey my friends aren't around so they won't no the truth. I'll make up an imaginary girl and pass her off as someone who actually exists." Liar, liar. BLIMP (while chewing) Pants on fire. JIM (to Blimp) How are you eating a cheeseburger at nine thirty in the morning? BLIMP (swallows the food) Hey back off mister fake imaginary girl. I don't give a shit what time it is, I'm hungry. JIM No I mean seriously, how are you eating a cheeseburger at nine thirty in the morning? Who the hell is making you cheeseburgers at nine thirty in the morning? BLIMP I know a guy. (Takes a bite) His name's Mario. He gives me extra fries too. Harvard enters the cafeteria and sits down. HARVARD Good morning chaps. I trust you all slept well. LAWRENCE Yeah but I think one of us is still dreaming. JIM Could you cut the shit already? HARVARD So what's all the fuss over? BLIMP A girl. HARVARD A girl? You don't say. Jim, did you meet someone last night? JIM As a matter of fact I did. The problem is that these two don't believe me. HARVARD Alright, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to ask you some questions, and based on your answers I'll determine whether the lass really exists. JIM Thank you. The only reasonable man among us. LAWRENCE Shut up and answer this limy bastard's questions. HARVARD Okay let's start off simple. What does she look like? JIM She's gorgeous. Average height, long brown hair, with these like stunning blue eyes. I don't know what it is, but she has like this angelic quality about her. LAWRENCE Give me a break. HARVARD Hush up. Let the man finish. JIM She's just gorgeous. I can't get her out of my head. HARVARD Alright, enough about the exterior. Let's hear about the interior. JIM Personality? Well, she's got an amazing sense of humor. She's genuinely funny and sarcastic, but she had charm, too. It was so disarming. She was so easy to talk to. I didn't clam up and bumble like I usually do. I mean I was still nervous, but not to the point where I was sweating through my shirt. LAWRENCE Yeah I'm sure you didn't. JIM What's your problem? LAWRENCE I don't have a problem. JIM Yes you do, and I know what it is. You're jealous. It kills you that I'm happy about finally meeting someone. You're green with envy my friend. And you want to know what I have to say about that? Jim sits upright and takes a serious tone. JIM (CONT'D) Fuck off. LAWRENCE Fuck off? JIM (serious) You heard me. If you can't deal with me being happy for once, then fuck off. I don't need any more negative shit in my life. Lawrence begins laughing uncontrollably. LAWRENCE (laughing) Oh man you should see the look on your face! JIM (getting angry) Stop laughing. I'm not playing around. Lawrence begins banging on the table while laughing even harder. LAWRENCE (laughing) Oh man that is priceless. (Imitating Jim) I'm not playing around. JIM Stop laughing shit-head! LAWRENCE (laughing) Shit-head?!? This is too much! BLIMP (to Lawrence) Just tell him. JIM Tell me what? Lawrence's laughter begins to die down. LAWRENCE (whipping the tears from his eyes) Dude I'm just fucking with you. I know the girl exists. I saw the two of you leave the party together. I just thought it would be fun to mess with you a little bit. JIM (pause) Asshole. HARVARD You sure did wind him up good. LAWRENCE I know. Did you see how serious he got? I thought he was gonna go all Segal on my ass and send me flying across the room with some sweet roundhouse kick. JIM You're lucky I didn't bust a move. BLIMP We're all lucky. HARVARD Well congrats Jim. Lawrence puts his arms around Blimp and Harvard. LAWRENCE (faking tears) They grow up so fast don't they? JIM (smiling) Asshole. BLIMP So what's her name? JIM Her name's Abbey. TITLE CARD: "A PROPER DATE." INT. FILMORE PREP HALLWAYS - AFTER SCHOOL - DAY Jim and Harvard wait by Lawrence's locker after school. JIM You know I forgot how boring school is. HARVARD Really? How is that possible? JIM I don't know. The whole process has finally gotten to me. Waking up early and having to get dressed in these prison clothes. I almost took a swing at my father this morning when he tried to get me out of bed. This place finally broke me. And these days are gonna just keep dragging on until June. I feel like I'm never gonna get out of here. HARVARD Same here. JIM I just want all this shit to be over so I can officially start my life. One that doesn't require a uniform. HARVARD Don't worry it'll come soon enough. JIM Your mouth to God's ears. HARVARD And besides, didn't you apparently meet the girl of your dreams last night? That should take up some of your time. Granted you're going to see her again. You are going to see her again, right? JIM This weekend. HARVARD Ah very nice, a proper date. JIM Yeah. HARVARD Nervous? JIM Well - LAWRENCE (O.S.) - hello there ladies Lawrence arrives at the lockers. HARVARD It's the "Law". What's the good word? LAWRENCE This school fucking sucks ass. JIM And why is that? LAWRENCE Because the teachers here find it necessary to make my life a living hell. My English teacher said that he expects the class to cover at least five books this year. Five books? Senior year? Fuck that. JIM So what are you gonna do about it? LAWRENCE You want to know? I'm not gonna fucking show up. JIM Are you serious? LAWRENCE Yep. Or if anything I'll just go and bitch and complain about it to you guys everyday. HARVARD So most likely the later then? LAWRENCE Probably. Yes. JIM Talk about taking it to the streets. Power to the people. Raging against the machine. LAWRENCE Shut up. JIM Okay. LAWRENCE So any plans this weekend? JIM Actually yes. Abbey and I are going out. LAWRENCE Who's Abbey? JIM Are you serious? LAWRENCE I try not to be. HARVARD The girl he met at Morris'. LAWRENCE I know. I'm just jerking his chain. JIM What a pal. LAWRENCE So, the first date huh? Don't fuck up. JIM (sarcastic) Wow great advice. That thought never entered my mind. LAWRENCE Well this a crucial point in the relationship. JIM Relationship? We've only know each other for about seven hours. LAWRENCE First dates are important. You gotta play your cards right. Otherwise you won't - JIM -get lucky? LAWRENCE Bingo. JIM I'm not looking to get lucky. I want to get to know her a little better before anything like that happens. LAWRENCE Really? JIM Yes really. LAWRENCE Do me a favor. Take your hand and feel around that area where your balls used to be. Harvard laughs. JIM (to Harvard) Don't encourage him. HARVARD Sorry. LAWRENCE Seriously man, sprinkle some water on that fleshy patch of skin and grow a fucking pair. You gotta make a move this weekend. Make something happen. JIM Well she already made a move last night. She kissed me. Isn't the first date all about whether or not that kiss is even going to happen? People sit there trying to pick up vibes or signals and get all stressed out in the process. Our first kiss is out of the way. The hard part is over. I'm just gonna sit back, relax, and enjoy her company. LAWRENCE Enjoy her company? Man I'm even willing to give you one of my balls after hearing that. Harvard laughs. JIM (to Harvard) Can it Monty. LAWRENCE Just promise me you won't puss out. Can you do me that much? Please own up. Pretty please, with a cherry on top. Be a man. Make a fucking move. You must obey the "Law". JIM Why must you insist on having a catchphrase? It's lame. LAWRENCE Lame my ass. INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Jim and Abbey are sitting upright on the bed, with their hands in their respective laps. There is silence. JIM So that restaurant wasn't too bad right? ABBEY No it was good. It was good. There is a brief silence. JIM That waiter really got mad when I asked for another soda after he'd just come back with yours. ABBEY He did look a little peeved. There's another brief silence. JIM (mustering up the courage) Listen, I gotta get something out of the way. ABBEY What's that. Jim kisses Abbey. ABBEY (CONT'D) (smiling) I guess we're even now. JIM I'm sorry. That was something I felt I needed to do. Abbey kisses Jim. ABBEY Don't apologize. It makes you seem weak. JIM That's going on my list of things to do on second dates. Abbey rests her head on Jim's shoulder. JIM (CONT'D) So what do you want to do now? ABBEY How 'bout a movie? JIM Alright. You pick. And I warn you, choose wisely. Abbey gets up from the bed and makes her way toward one of the many DVD racks in the room. ABBEY Such a tough decision. So many classics, so little time. Ah ha! I got one. "The Big Lebowski". JIM The Dude abides. ABBEY Yes! FADE TO: INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Jim and Abbey are sitting on the floor leaning up against the bed. Abbey is resting her head on Jim's shoulder. The movie has just ended. ABBEY Masterpiece. JIM Without a doubt. Jim turns the TV off. Abbey gets up and lays down on the bed. ABBEY Won't you join me? JIM (smiling) Gladly. Jim gets up and lays down next to Abbey. OVERHEAD TWO SHOT - JIM AND ABBEY LAYING DOWN Abbey's hands are resting underneath her head. Jim's hands are at his side. Their bodies form the number eleven on the bed. They're both laying on their backs, staring at the ceiling. ABBEY (referencing the ceiling) I love the color. CUT TO: REVERSE ANGLE - THE WHITE CEILING ABBEY (O.S.) (CONT'D) White is a very bold choice. JIM (O.S.) Yeah I was going for this whole doctor's office type of vibe. Abbey laughs. BACK TO: OVERHEAD TWO SHOT - JIM AND ABBEY LAYING DOWN. Abbey turns on her side and faces Jim. ABBEY What are you thinking about? JIM I'm actually thinking about painting my ceiling a different color. ABBEY You're a regular Seinfeld. Seriously though. What's on your mind? Jim turns on his side. They are now face to face. JIM I don't know what I'm thinking. ABBEY You don't know? JIM Well I do, but its kind of hard to put into words. ABBEY Then is there any other way of expressing these thoughts of yours? JIM I could do this. Jim leans in and kisses Abbey. ABBEY (laughing) Oh my God that was so corny. JIM I was trying to be all suave. Didn't work, did it? ABBEY Suave? You're the farthest thing from it. JIM Gee, thanks a lot. ABBEY But that's a good thing. JIM How? ABBEY Because I know that's not the real you. I could tell that from the moment I met you. I smelt it on you. You're this adorable little nervous boy. And I like it. So you can leave that suave stuff at the door 'cause I ain't buying what you're tryin' to sell. JIM That was very blunt. ABBEY (smiling) Aww stop it, you're making me blush. JIM (pauses) You really want to know what I'm thinking right now? Abbey nods yes. JIM (CONT'D) I'm thinking, how is it possible for a girl like you to be into a guy like me? ABBEY Oh stop. I'm nothing special. If anything I should be asking that same question about you. You're the special one. JIM No, I'm just your ordinary run of the mill teenage male. ABBEY Okay you can keep telling yourself that, but you're not like other guys. So that makes you far from ordinary. JIM And you're not like other girls. So I guess that makes us both extraordinary people. ABBEY I can live with that. Jim turns onto his back. Abbey moves closer and rests here head on his shoulder. FADE TO: INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Jim and Abbey are still laying in bed. Jim is awake. Abbey is asleep with her head on his shoulder. Jim's cell phone begins to vibrate on his dresser. He carefully gets out of bed, making sure not to wake Abbey. He picks up the phone and sees that Lawrence is calling. He quietly sits on the floor leaning against the foot of the bed. JIM (softly) Hello. LAWRENCE (on the phone) Did you do her yet? JIM No jackass. LAWRENCE You gotta be kidding me. JIM Jesus Christ is that honestly what you called for? LAWRENCE Hey don't get an attitude with me big guy. I'm calling in and checking up on my good friend. And it seems that nothing important has happened. If anything I should be mad at you. JIM Alright shut up, shut up. If it makes you feel any better, I kissed her. LAWRENCE (shouting) Thank God in heaven. Jim pulls the phone away from his ear because Lawrence shouts so loud. JIM I knew for some strange reason that you'd be proud. LAWRENCE Where is she? Is she still there? JIM She's sleeping in my bed. LAWRENCE Nice. Jim turns around to look at Abbey and kneels at the foot of the bed. JIM You should see her right now. This perfect girl sleeping in my bed. She's so friggin' beautiful. And she's in to me. It's unbelievable. LAWRENCE (worried) - oh God. JIM Lawrence - LAWRENCE (very worried) Yeah? JIM - I think I love her. Lawrence hangs up the phone. JIM (CONT'D) Hello? Jim closes the phone, and carefully climbs back into bed next to Abbey. TITLE CARD: "F 'N A" INT. FILMORE PREP CAFETERIA - DAY The cafeteria is somewhat empty, do to the fact that it's late in the day. Jim, Blimp, and Harvard are at the table by the soda machines. Blimp is eating a slice of pizza in one hand. While the other hand is holding another slice underneath the one being eaten. Blimp is using this slice to catch any oil that drips from the slice that he's currently gorging on. Jim and Harvard are staring at him. JIM I'm at a loss for words. BLIMP (with food in his mouth) Why? HARVARD You can't honestly see why mate? BLIMP Not really. JIM Well I just give up then. BLIMP Oh I see, make fun of the kid that eats a lot. Fuck you judgemental pricks. I don't eat half as much as you think I do. HARVARD Rubbish. JIM Rubbish indeed. HARVARD You're a bloody Hoover suck vac. JIM He's right. We're only telling you this for your own good. How about going with one slice of pizza next time. HARVARD I second that motion. BLIMP This isn't Parliament. No one gets to vote. It's my choice how many slices I have. Besides, it's not like I'm putting on any weight. JIM Yeah that's a mystery all to itself. Unless you're man-orexic, I for the life of me can not comprehend why you're not the size of Jabba the Hutt. But I guess it is your choice. So we'll just sit idly by and watch you gorge on whatever it is you insist on gorging on this half hour. BLIMP Thank you. (To Harvard) And you? HARVARD Fine, gorge. EXT. FILMORE PREP FRONT LAWN - DAY Jim is waiting on the lawn in front of the entrance to school. Lawrence storms out the doors. He takes the textbook from his hand and kicks it in the air. LAWRENCE (yelling) Motherfucker! JIM What happened? LAWRENCE That piece of shit. JIM What piece of shit? LAWRENCE Novak. That prick bastard. JIM Mr. Novak? Your English teacher? LAWRENCE Yeah. That cock-sucker! JIM How many more obscenities are you gonna shout before you actually decide to tell me what's wrong? LAWRENCE One more. JIM Go ahead. LAWRENCE Fuck-bag! JIM Ooo an original. So now can you tell me what's got your panties all twisted in a bunch? Lawrence settles down. The two of them take a seat up against the front of the building. LAWRENCE I busted my ass this weekend to write this stupid paper for that wind-bag. And today I got it back. JIM He failed you? LAWRENCE Yes he did. The balls on that son of a bitch. JIM That sucks. LAWRENCE Understatement of the year. JIM Can I ask you something though? LAWRENCE What? JIM Now I'm not denying that you put a lot of effort into this paper. I believe you. So keep that in mind. LAWRENCE What are you getting at? JIM Well with your considered effort aside, do you think that you may have done something to provoke kindly old Mr. Novak? Lawrence doesn't answer. JIM (CONT'D) Lawrence? Does that pesky cat have your tongue? LAWRENCE No it's still intact. JIM Then make with the explanation. LAWRENCE Well... I may have fallen asleep a few times in class. Just a few. JIM Is that it? LAWRENCE I think he also may have overheard me in the cafeteria making fun of his age. JIM What did you say about his age? LAWRENCE I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I think it was something along the lines of him owing Jesus money, or Jesus owing him money. I really cant' remember. JIM So this man may actually have a vendetta against you. That's definitely something to think about. Make sure to keep an eye out for him in the halls. He could come up from behind and give you a mean charlie horse or something. LAWRENCE Fuck. Anyway let's just forget about it. (Pauses) How's what's-her-name? JIM Abbey. LAWRENCE Yeah her. How are things? JIM I'd say things are pretty amazing. Four weeks and counting. I'd give us an A. LAWRENCE That's not fucking funny. Lawrence's tone turns serious. LAWRENCE (CONT'D) But things are good? JIM Yeah man. For whatever reason she likes spending time with me. So I'm definitely happy about that. LAWRENCE You do seem kinda different since you met her. JIM How? LAWRENCE I guess you seem happier and shit. It's fucking depressing. JIM Why is me being happy depressing? LAWRENCE It just seems that you're happy for all the wrong reasons. She likes you and you like her. That's all well and good, but sooner or later you're gonna have to close the deal. JIM Oh God in heaven. You're like a friggin cliche. Always about getting some. You belong in a nineties teen sex comedy. You're really like a broken record. LAWRENCE Yeah and we're going around again because it's obvious I haven't gotten through to you yet. So allow me to repeat myself. Do the deed already, please. Get it over with. I'm honestly starting to worry about you and your intentions. JIM Why do you give a shit about my intentions? LAWRENCE Why wouldn't I give a shit? Your my best friend. My fucking partner in crime, the Robin to my Batman, the Cher to my Sonny. I feel its my responsibility to make sure that you're on the right track. JIM I am on the right track. Things are just right. Why would I want to screw things up by bringing up sex? LAWRENCE See this is my problem. I'm getting the impression that sex isn't even on your fucking mind. That's what I'm worried about. (Pauses) Is it even on your mind? Jim doesn't answer. LAWRENCE (CONT'D) Come on level with me. I'm not gonna judge you. Just tell me. Jim remains silent. LAWRENCE (CONT'D) Fine be like that. Lawrence starts to get up. JIM I do, I think about it. Lawrence sits back down. LAWRENCE Really? JIM I'm fucking seventeen years old and I go to an all male high school. What the hell else am I supposed to think about? Plans for my future? LAWRENCE Then why do you get so annoyed and uptight when I bring it up? JIM Because it scares the shit out of me. I don't fear death, I fear sex. LAWRENCE And why haven't you felt the need to mention this? JIM Well it's not something you can actually come out and say. LAWRENCE May I ask why it scares you? JIM Why do you think it scares anyone? It's such a huge step in a relationship. The hugest. And I mean an actual relationship; not, "Hey I really like your hat. I'm drunk. Let's fuck." I'm talking about an actual meaningful relationship. LAWRENCE Like what you and Abbey have? JIM Exactly. Things are running smoothly right now and I'm not about to throw a wrench in the gears by bringing up sex. LAWRENCE You think she'll say no? JIM I don't know. Even if she says yes it'll still be bad. It's just too much pressure for me to handle right now. A yes would bring about all sorts of bad things. A whole shit load of anxiety that I don't need. LAWRENCE Yeah but that's what sex is all about. Anxiety. JIM And I don't want any of it right now. LAWRENCE That seems a little odd; but okay. JIM My current plan is to stay the course that I'm on. LAWRENCE You think that's a good plan? JIM Listen, I honestly think I'm in love with this girl and until I'm completely sure that she's in love with me, I'm just gonna wait until the time is right. And I'm asking you to respect that decision. LAWRENCE Alright it's your call. JIM (surprised) Really? LAWRENCE Yeah. JIM Thank you. And trust me, I think I have things under control. LAWRENCE I'll try. Brief silence. Jim casually puts his hand on Lawrence's knee. JIM Man, thanks- Lawrence gets up like a flash of lighting. LAWRENCE (screaming) -Gay! TITLE CARD: "DISNEY WORLD?" INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - MORNING Jim is asleep. The doorbell rings. Jim wakes up, rolls over on his side and covers his head with a pillow. The doorbell rings again. JIM (shouting) Mom! Doorbell! No one answers. The doorbell rings yet again. Jim realizes he's the only one in the house. He jumps out of bed to go answer the door. INT. JIM KRAMER'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - MORNING The doorbell rings again. JIM I'm coming, I'm coming. Hold your- Jim opens the door. ABBEY (O.C.) Aww you're in your jammies. JIM (surprised) Hey, what are you doing here? Did I forget something? Where we supposed to hang out today? ABBEY Relax Woody. Can't a girl just show up unexpectedly and surprise her boyfriend? JIM I don't know, can they? I'm kinda new to this whole relationship thing. ABBEY Yes we can. And for further reference, we can do whatever we want, whenever the hell we feel like it. JIM Really? ABBEY Yep. JIM That's terrifying. ABBEY So are you going to invite me in, or am I just gonna have to look all adorable out here on the porch? JIM Come in, come in. Abbey enters the house. They hug. Jim gives her a kiss. ABBEY Did I wake you? JIM Kinda. ABBEY Sorry. I guess I should've called first. JIM Don't worry about it. I can't think of a better way to start off my day. ABBEY What a sweetheart. JIM The funny thing is, I actually dreamt about you last night. ABBEY (joking) Really? Are your sheets still dry? JIM Mind out of the gutter missy. It wasn't one of those dreams. ABBEY Sure it wasn't. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt you know. They walk upstairs to Jim's room. INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - MORNING Abbey examines the bed. ABBEY Looks clean. Your story checks out. Abbey sits on the bed. Jim stands in front of her. JIM I told you it was an innocent little dream. You made a cameo appearance. I can't remember what it was about or what happened; but I remember seeing your face. There was nothing porno-esque going on, scout's honor. ABBEY Good, I'm glad. Now come on and get dressed. JIM Dressed? Why, where are we going? ABBEY Somewhere. JIM Somewhere? ABBEY Magical. JIM Disney World? ABBEY No silly, the mall. JIM The mall? Shopping? ABBEY Yep. JIM You shop? ABBEY Yes. How do you think I get these stunning outfits? JIM You just don't seem like the kind that goes shopping. It's too girly of an activity for you. ABBEY Too girly, are you serious? JIM Yeah. You seem like you don't do that many girly things. I kinda like that about you. ABBEY Well excuse me for wanting to buy some new clothes, so my boyfriend will like to look at me. JIM This is coming out all wrong. Thoughts like these should remain in my head. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Abbey stares at Jim. ABBEY (pauses) You know you're cute when you grovel. JIM Alright, I'll fulfill my boyfriend duties and come shopping with you. Happy? ABBEY Oh bless your heart. JIM Now if you don't mind, I would like to get dressed. ABBEY Go right ahead. Jim waits for Abbey to leave the room. She doesn't. JIM Uh...Do you mind? ABBEY I'm staying for the show. I've got a few singles on me, so make with the stripping. JIM Excuse me? ABBEY You heard me. Strip. JIM Not gonna happen. ABBEY Oh please. Pretty pretty please. You don't have to go all Demi Moore, just sex it up a bit. Jim thinks it over for a moment. JIM (playing along) Alright. But I need some music. Jim goes and searches through a pile of CD's. JIM (CONT'D) Damn it's not here. Do me a favor, run downstairs and get the CD that's on the kitchen table. Hurry before I change my mind. ABBEY I'm going, I'm going. Abbey rushes out of the room. Jim closes the door behind her and locks it. ABBEY (O.S.) (CONT'D) Aw! Boooo! FADE TO: INT. MALL FOOD COURT - DAY The food court is packed with people. Jim and Abbey are sitting across from each other at a table amongst the crowd. They're in the middle eating lunch. Jim has a dazed look on his face. He looks like he's been through hell and back. ABBEY I can't believe that lady gave me a dirty look. I mean I got to the rack first, that sweater was rightfully mine. Am I right? JIM Yeah. She was completely in the wrong. She had no right to shoot you that look. ABBEY I know. Some people. Jim begins playing with his food. ABBEY (CONT'D) Is something wrong? JIM Um... Abbey takes notice of the look on his face. ABBEY -oh my God. I traumatized you, didn't I? JIM No. I'm fine. ABBEY Are you sure? JIM Yeah. It's just that this whole shopping thing is new to me. I had heard stories about it before, but I always thought they were exaggerated. I didn't believe it could be that bad. ABBEY I'm so sorry. I should've known that this wasn't your type of thing. JIM Don't be sorry. This is definitely a learning experience. ABBEY So this was the first and last time we go shopping? JIM No we can do this again. At least next time I'll know what to expect. And besides any time spent with you is a good time. Abbey smiles. ABBEY You're amazing to put up with me, and with this. JIM I know. I am. ABBEY (giggling) Shut up. So what next? JIM Let's keep going. ABBEY Really? I can't possibly do that to you. JIM Don't worry. As the saying goes, "Shop 'till you drop." And I'm still able to stand up under my own power, so I say we continue. ABBEY Are you sure? JIM Yes. Since I know what I'm in for now, how bad could it be? JUMP CUT TO: INT. FILMORE PREP CAFETERIA - AFTERNOON Jim, Lawrence, and Harvard are sitting at their spot. JIM (running his hands over his face) Unbelievably bad. HARVARD Really? JIM Yeah. LAWRENCE Man I could've told you that. JIM Right, because you're all knowing. LAWRENCE Exactly. HARVARD On a scale from one to ten - ten being the worst. How bad was it? JIM Thirty three. HARVARD Bloody hell. JIM Tell me about it. HARVARD But what exactly was it like. What made it so bad. JIM Well I'll give you an example. We went into one store. She looked around for a bit. Tried on about six or seven different tops, maybe four or five pairs of jeans. We were in there for about two hours. And all she ended up buying was a pair of socks. HARVARD Holy shit. JIM It was rough. But I kinda feel bad about hating it. I sorta feel like a jerk. LAWRENCE Dude we're guys. We have balls. Shopping and balls don't mix. JIM But I still feel bad about it. LAWRENCE So. JIM So says the man with no heart. I just don't want to become that guy who doesn't like doing things with his girlfriend. HARVARD Don't worry about it. JIM The problem is I do worry. I don't wanna fit into that stupid stereotype. I wanna enjoy doing things she normally does. Jim puts his hands on top of his head. JIM (CONT'D) This relationship thing is fucking hard work. LAWRENCE Oh quit your fucking whining. (Impersonating Jim in a girly voice) I wanna like what she likes. I have a vagina. Wah wah wah. Harvard lets out a chuckle. JIM (to Harvard) You're never gonna learn, are you? HARVARD Sorry. LAWRENCE You know what you need to do? You need to show some goddamn backbone. JIM Oh really? LAWRENCE I've seen more spine in fucking jellyfish. The next time you're with her, you're gonna tell her how you feel. You're gonna say that you hated shopping with her and that you're never going again. Understand? HARVARD I tend to agree mate. This bird sounds lovely and all, but you need to let her know what's what before she starts walking all over you. LAWRENCE See even Princess Di agrees with me. So what do you say? JIM (exhales) I'll think about it. CUT TO: INT. ABBEY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Abbey's room is painted purple. It's particularly girly, especially for someone like Abbey. As we pan across the room we see piles upon piles of CD's and DVD's nestled in a corner. There are posters of Audrey Hepburn hanging on the walls. Abbey is standing by her dresser folding and putting away clothes. Jim knocks on the door. JIM (O.S.) Is it safe? ABBEY Yes. Jim walks in and they kiss. JIM Hi. ABBEY Hi yourself. JIM How was school? ABBEY Same old same old. Jim begins to look more nervous then usual. ABBEY (CONT'D) Are you alright? You look like you got something on your mind. JIM Um... ABBEY Yeah? JIM Um... ABBEY Um what? Jim looks into Abbey's eyes. He realizes he can't go through with it. JIM Um... you look really beautiful today. ABBEY You're so adorable. And you look very handsome in your uniform. JIM Thank you. I do feel handsome. So now that we've gotten the pleasantries out of the way, let's get down to business. What are we watching? ABBEY I was thinking maybe "Rushmore"? JIM Where have you been all my life? ABBEY You should thank God every night that I fell into your life. Abbey kisses Jim. She then gets up and puts the movie in the DVD player. Jim watches her with a smile on his face. TITLE CARD: "UNHOLY UNION" INT. FILMORE PREP HALLWAYS - DAY Jim and Lawrence are walking through the halls from their lockers. JIM So how did Santa treat you over the break? LAWRENCE Fuck Santa. Fuck the break. Can you believe I was chomping at the bit to come back to this friggin place. JIM Wow, sounds like a bad break. LAWRENCE Terrible break. JIM But the Christmas and New Years holiday are supposed to be a joyous time. LAWRENCE Maybe for a normal person, not me. JIM So this means that things aren't going well on the female front either? LAWRENCE Oh don't you fucking start with me. JIM What? Did I say something wrong? LAWRENCE I'm on to you. I know what you're trying to do. JIM Please fill me in on exactly what that is. LAWRENCE You think that because you finally found someone, the girl of your dreams and what not, you get to put in your two cents on my situation. JIM That's not the case at all. LAWRENCE Oh it is. It really is. This Abbey seems nice and all, but you're still inexperienced. So get down off your little donkey. JIM Don't you mean high horse? LAWRENCE Whatever jack ass, I'm not big on metaphors. JIM So what we've established is that I know nothing about women and am in no position to judge. LAWRENCE Case closed. JIM You really must have had a terrible break. LAWRENCE Let's get off this please. JIM Alrighty then. LAWRENCE Let's move on to you. Your break was? JIM Not bad. Abbey was away for a bit. But she came back last weekend, so we got to spend some time together. LAWRENCE Lucky you. JIM You know you're right, I'm pretty damn lucky. I couldn't have asked for a better first half of the year. LAWRENCE God are you trying to make me vomit? JIM Uh huh. Is it working? LAWRENCE Fuck you. So that's all you did with her? JIM Well we went out to dinner with my parents. LAWRENCE That wasn't the kind of answer I was looking for, but I guess I'll take it. How did that go? CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT The restaurant has a very Americana theme. There are many pictures hanging on the walls. They include: famous movie stars, classic movie posters, sports figures, autographed pictures, and other sorts of memorabilia. The place is packed. Waitresses are scurrying about from table to table. Jim and Abbey are sitting next to each other on one side of the booth. Across from them are Jim's dad RICHARD, and his mother EMILY. Both of them are in their late forties. Richard is balding and wears a pair of horn rimmed glasses. Emily appears very well kept and proper. She looks like the kind of person that has never said a dirty word in her life. We come in on everyone laughing except for Jim. RICHARD I couldn't believe it. There he was in his mother's high heels. ABBEY (laughing) That's hilarious. JIM No it's not. ABBEY Come one. Not even just a little? JIM Maybe for you guys. Not me. EMILY Oh don't be so uptight. It was adorable. You looked adorable. ABBEY (looks at Jim) He still does. JIM Oh stop. EMILY (to Richard) Aren't they precious? RICHARD Quite. JIM Please don't call us precious. We're not puppies. EMILY Well I think you are, so stop being such a party pooper. ABBEY I'm always telling him that. EMILY You go girl. JIM Hey mom, the nineties called they want their material back. ABBEY You be nice to your mother. Now say you're sorry. Abbey stares down Jim. He knows there's no chance. JIM (letting out a sigh) Fine. I'm sorry mom. EMILY That's all right sweetie. (To Richard) I love this girl already. Richard nods his head yes. JUMP CUT TO: INT. FILMORE PREP HALLWAYS - DAY LAWRENCE Oh fuck. JIM What? LAWRENCE What do you mean what? Your mom and your girlfriend agreed on something. They found common ground. They got along. JIM So? LAWRENCE Got along really well. JIM Once again, so? LAWRENCE You're a fucking idiot. There is absolutely no hope for you left. You mean to tell me that you don't know about the unholy union? JIM Huh? LAWRENCE Your mom and girlfriend joining forces. It's a deadly combination. Like pop rocks and coke. Only this can actually kill you. JIM You are out of your mind. So my mom and my girlfriend got along. What's the... (Pauses) Oh no. LAWRENCE What is it? Speak. JIM I just had a flash in my head. It was the two of them- LAWRENCE And? JIM They were laughing, in unison. LAWRENCE See I told you. JIM This isn't good. LAWRENCE It's frightening shit man. Were their eyes crimson red? Red like the fires of Mordor? JIM No. LAWRENCE Did they have horns? JIM No. LAWRENCE Well give it time. Just think, two nagging entities joining forces to criticize your sense of style, grooming habits, food and beverage intake. And trust me it doesn't end there. You bought the ticket and you're in for one hell of a ride. May the force be with you my young padiwan, 'cause you're sure as shit gonna need it. JIM (sarcastic) Beautiful. INT. JIM KRAMER'S KITCHEN - DAY Emily is washing the dishes in the sink. Jim returns home from school. He enters the kitchen and heads straight for the refrigerator. EMILY How was school? JIM Fine. EMILY It's always fine. Never exciting or interesting, just fine. JIM And aren't you glad that's what you're paying for? EMILY It doesn't exactly help me sleep at night, but I think I'll manage. JIM What's for dinner? EMILY Chicken. JIM Again? EMILY We haven't had chicken in a while. JIM Then where did I have chicken? EMILY Maybe when you were out with Abbey. JIM Uh...Abbey. Yeah you're probably right. EMILY She's got you all distracted. It's making you forget about my cooking. JIM That's not it. EMILY Don't worry. She's a lovely girl. JIM Yeah she is. EMILY I actually just got off the phone with her. JIM You what? EMILY She called looking for you. I guess she thought you would be home from school. The two of us had a nice little chat. Jim begins to look like he's been to hell and back. JIM Really? EMILY Uh huh. We made plans to go shopping this weekend. JIM (visibly shaken) Oh really? That's nice. EMILY What's the matter? JIM Um nothing. I gotta go do homework. Jim backs out of the kitchen and darts up the stairs to his room. INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - DAY Jim closes the door behind him. He takes out his phone and begins pacing around his room. He calls Lawrence. JIM Pick up, pick up. LAWRENCE (on the phone) Hello? JIM (frantic) She called! They talked! They're going fucking shopping! LAWRENCE What? Slow down. JIM She said they had a nice long talk. I'm fucked. LAWRENCE Okay calm down. Are you calm? JIM Yeah yeah. LAWRENCE Now what I need you to do is go find a video camera and give it to your mom. JIM What? Why? LAWRENCE Because I want a video record of your reaction to me telling you that your mom and I just played you, bitch. Jim is floored. Emily knocks on the door. EMILY (O.S.) Tell Lawrence I said mission accomplished. Emily begins to laugh hysterically. Lawrence's laughter is heard through the phone which Jim pulls away from his head. JIM Not cool. TITLE CARD: "COWS AND PHISH" INT. ABBEY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Jim and Abbey are laying in bed. JIM Man your mom cooks a mean burger. ABBEY I'll relay the compliment. JIM Very filling. I'm not gonna be able to eat for the rest of the week. What does she put in them? ABBEY Cow. Jim lets out a sarcastic laugh. JIM So you think they like me? ABBEY How could they not? JIM Did they say anything? ABBEY No. But I know they did, so you don't have to worry. JIM Getting in with the parents is crucial. My worrying is warranted. ABBEY Trust me, you're in. I was picking up some good vibes from them. I can tell they like you. JIM I hope you're right. Those burgers are really something to look forward to. ABBEY (peeved) Excuse me? The burgers? Not a fun- filled loving relationship with me? JIM (thinking it over) I think that all depends on if they're cheeseburgers. ABBEY (smiling) Shut up. JIM Come on you know I'd always choose you over meat, regardless of it having cheese on it. ABBEY Your girlfriend over a slaughtered cow, what a romantic. JIM Get used to it. ABBEY The future's something to look forward to. JIM Well not if you're the cow. Abbey laughs. There is a pause in the conversation. ABBEY Do you realize that this time next year we'll be in college? JIM Pretty crazy stuff. ABBEY The adolescent years are over, just like that. It's kinda scary. JIM A little, I agree. But that's why I'm here, to protect you from the big bad university or small liberal arts college. She kisses him on the cheek. ABBEY So what do you think we'll be like? JIM In college? ABBEY Yeah. You think we'll change all that much? JIM I don't know. Maybe since we're freshmen, we'll have to conform a bit in order to fit in. Not completely, just a little. ABBEY Define a little. JIM Well I'm not gonna start listening to Phish just for the sake of making a few friends. ABBEY So that means no hacky sack either? JIM And no sandals. I enjoy wearing socks and that will never change. ABBEY I love a man who sticks to his convictions. (Pause.) And what does your crystal ball say about us? JIM I prefer not asking it something like that. ABBEY Why? JIM It's too big of a question. Knowing the answer would ruin the surprise of where this thing is going. ABBEY So you'd rather just be about the here and now? JIM Yeah. I figure don't waste time worrying about what's going to happen and let what's happening now pass us by. ABBEY That's so beautiful. It's almost poetic. JIM That Maya Angelou better watch her back. I got eloquence coming out of my ears. TITLE CARD: "LITTLE FIGHT CLUB" INT. FILMORE PREP CAFETERIA - DAY The cafeteria is packed to the brim with students. Lawrence, Blimp, and Harvard are sitting at their usual table by the soda machines. LAWRENCE You know what I saw last night? BLIMP What? LAWRENCE "Scream 2." BLIMP For the first time? LAWRENCE Yep. HARVARD And? LAWRENCE Courtney Cox is fucking hot. I'm in total shock. When did this happen? Did I miss the memo or something? HARVARD That's all you got out of it? LAWRENCE Pretty much. I mean, what else is there to get? A guy in a mask runs around knifing up twenty somethings. It's not Scorsese. BLIMP I'm more of a Neve Campbell man myself. LAWRENCE Meh. HARVARD Sarah Michelle Gellar for me. LAWRENCE Now there you go. This is one of the few times where I'll have to agree with you. SMG equals wood. Those little stretch pants she was wearing when she bit it made me all kinds of crazy. But Courtney Cox, my God. I'm gonna start watching "Friends" reruns. HARVARD Don't. It's not worth it, trust me. The show is not funny. I went through a Lisa Kudrow phase once. I've never forgiven myself. LAWRENCE Lisa Kudrow phase? Are you shitting me? HARVARD She's a beautiful woman. LAWRENCE You go from Buffy to Phoebe? Are you out of your mind? BLIMP Jennifer Love Hewitt's hot too. LAWRENCE She was in the other one. BLIMP What other one? LAWRENCE "I Know What You Did Last Summer". BLIMP You do? LAWRENCE (sarcastic) Ha ha. BLIMP (unaware) What's funny? LAWRENCE Nothing. (To Harvard) I still can't believe you went through a Lisa Kudrow phase. HARVARD Give it a rest. LAWRENCE I don't think I can. I mean Jennifer Aniston is one thing, but Lisa Kudrow? HARVARD Good God give it a bloody rest! LAWRENCE What's the matter? Can't take the heat, then get the fuck out of the kitchen because the house's on fire. HARVARD What does that even mean? LAWRENCE Your mother. That's what it means. HARVARD Thanks for the clarification. FATHER ANGELO walks by. LAWRENCE Father Angelo, can't wait for that test next period. FATHER ANGELO Really? Studied hard? LAWRENCE Very hard. Extremely hard in fact. FATHER ANGELO Well we'll see if it pays off. LAWRENCE Oh trust me it will. See ya soon. FATHER ANGELO I look forward to seeing you too. Father Angelo leaves. LAWRENCE Is he coming on to me? Because I'm picking up some vibes. HARVARD I don't know. Maybe if you say hard one more time, he'll take you out for a pint and a shag. LAWRENCE But can you blame him though? I mean I am such a sweet piece of ass. HARVARD Whatever helps you sleep at night. Jim enters the cafeteria and sits down at the table. He looks like he didn't get any sleep last night. LAWRENCE What the fuck happened to you? JIM The inevitable. BLIMP What? JIM We had our first fight last night. LAWRENCE (laughs) Oh this should be good. Proceed. JIM I was home last night studying for Angelo's test next period and she calls. She sounds all frazzled. She said something happened at school and wanted me to come over and console her. But I told her I really couldn't because I was too busy studying for this test. In any other situation, on any other night, I would have been there in a second, but I fucked up big time on his last test. Bombing this one would put me deeper in a hole that I can't get out of. Well after I told her this she got mad. Then we started arguing. Yelling and screaming for hours. Just back and forth nonsense. I barely studied a damn thing. So now I'm pissed. Lawrence starts a slow clap and then gives Jim a standing ovation, cheering and laughing. Everyone in the cafeteria turns and looks at him. They get up and sarcastically start doing the same. Now everyone in the cafeteria is giving Jim a standing ovation. The room fills with thunderous cheers and applause. LAWRENCE (shouting) My boy's got his balls back. Wooo! Teachers arrive and begin staring down the students. The applause dies out. Everyone sits down. LAWRENCE (CONT'D) Oh happy day. JIM You're unbelievable, you know that? Un-fucking-believable. LAWRENCE I'm sorry, I'm just so excited to hear this wonderful news. I mean you finally stood up for something. Turns out you're not all that whipped. I'm pretty fucking proud. JIM Can you please just bottle up your enjoyment next time? There's no need to make a scene. HARVARD So let me get this straight. Something happened to Abbey at school? JIM Yeah. HARVARD Do you know what it was? JIM (pauses) Come to think of it, she didn't exactly mention it, she just said she needed me to come over. HARVARD So you don't know what happened? JIM What are you getting at? LAWRENCE Yeah fucker, what are you getting at? HARVARD What I'm getting at is something really bad could've happened to her at school. Something even traumatizing. She might have really needed you there last night. I'm sorry mate, but I think you're in the wrong on this one. BLIMP Me too. LAWRENCE Oh great! Here comes the fucking fairy patrol. He stood his ground and should be commended. He's a man now. Jim comes to a realization. JIM No I'm not. I'm an idiot. Harvy's right. I should've been there. LAWRENCE (disappointed) Well I guess it was nice having you on our team, even if it was just for a little while. JIM I gotta call her. Thanks guys. (To Lawrence) Even you. LAWRENCE Oh la-di-da, go call the girl, woman. CUT TO: EXT. FILMORE PREP FRONT LAWN - DAY Jim paces back and forth on the lawn. He dials Abbey's number. ABBEY (on the phone) Hello. JIM Hi. ABBEY (upset) What do you want? I'm at school. JIM I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. ABBEY Yep, that seems about right. JIM Good I'm glad we're in agreement. Listen, I should've been there last night. There's no question about it. You should've been my first priority. I am really so terribly, extremely sorry. ABBEY I know, you've made that pretty clear. JIM I'm coming over right after school and we're gonna talk. That's the least I can do for you. Okay? ABBEY What makes you think I'll let you in? JIM Because you find me irresistible, endearing, charming. The list goes on. ABBEY You really think that? JIM Um... ABBEY (giving in) Dammit Jim, you know me all too well. Get your butt there right after school. JIM I'll be there with bells on. A lot of them. ABBEY (giggling) Bye. FADE TO: INT. ABBEY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT OVERHEAD TWO SHOT: JIM AND ABBEY Abbey is laying in Jim's arms on the bed. JIM So that was our first fight? ABBEY I think it was. JIM I guess it had to happen eventually, right? ABBEY Apparently it happens to the best of them. JIM And we definitely are better than most people, if not all. ABBEY Let's just try not to have too many of them. JIM Yeah they blow. ABBEY Hard. TITLE CARD: "THE RINGER" INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Jim is getting dressed. There is a knock on the door. JIM Come in. Abbey enters. ABBEY Hey there good looking. They share a kiss. JIM You ready? ABBEY Born ready. JIM Nervous? ABBEY Why should I be? JIM You're meeting the guys tonight. It's kind of a big deal. ABBEY That's why I'm gonna be on my best behavior tonight and keep the swearing to a minimum. JIM Oh what a sweet girlfriend I have. ABBEY The sweetest. JIM So I have an idea. I thought that before we go I could tell you a bit about them first, so that you're not walking into this meal blind. ABBEY Sounds good. Jim goes to one of his dresser drawers and takes out a picture. CUT TO: INSERT SHOT: PICTURE IN JIM'S HANDS Jim, Lawrence, Harvard, and Blimp are at a Halloween party dressed as Reservoir Dogs. ABBEY (CONT'D) Aww. Which one is Mr. Blonde? JIM Me. Duh. ABBEY (sarcastic) Yeah cause it's so obvious. JIM Well anyway let's get started. That is Lawrence. ABBEY Okay that's simple enough. JIM He has a bit of a big mouth. He loves to say whatever's on his mind, no matter how filthy. Expect a lot of F-bombs out of him tonight. ABBEY Lawrence equals white Sam Jackson. Got it. JIM Next we have Blimp. ABBEY Blimp? JIM You heard correctly. ABBEY Alright. JIM He tends to eat a lot. ABBEY That doesn't bother me. JIM But I mean a lot. Like don't put your hand near his mouth because he might try and take a bite out of it a lot. ABBEY Blimp equals hands in pockets. Then you're gonna have to feed me. JIM If it means you keeping your hands then I'll make the sacrifice. I mean just look at them, they're stunning. ABBEY My knight with shinning silverware. JIM And finally, to the right of the striking gentleman in the center, me, we have Harvard. ABBEY As in university? JIM His parents went there. They really loved it. Yada yada yada they named him after it. ABBEY How quirky. JIM Tell me about it. Now there's two things you should know about Harvard. One, he's incredibly smart. Straight A's across the board. Too smart even for Mensa. And two, he has this little habit. ABBEY Yeah? JIM He kinda has a tendency of speaking in British slang. ABBEY Is he from England? JIM No. He's one hundred percent American. ABBEY Okay. That's a little odd. JIM I know. It is. It takes a little bit to get used to. ABBEY Do you know why he does it? JIM I'm not sure, but I have an idea. He came back from summer vacation one year doing it. I mean I know he's a really big fan of "The Office", the original series. A really big fan. So I guess the way they talk just rubbed off on him, permanently. ABBEY Well this is good to know. JIM So if he says anything to you or calls you something that you think is offensive, it's probably just British. ABBEY I feel so informed now. JIM I know. The things I do for you. She kisses him. ABBEY My neurotic in shinning armor. JIM Come my lady, for tonight we dine. INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT The five of them are at a table in the center of the restaurant. Jim and Abbey are sitting next to each other across from Lawrence, Blimp, and Harvard. They are in the middle of dinner. ABBEY (to Jim) What do you think about that? JIM I think he may actually be telling the truth. LAWRENCE You're goddamn right I'm telling the truth. Why would I lie about something like that? JIM Because you're you. LAWRENCE Hand to God, it really happened. My mom walked in on me totally naked getting dressed. BLIMP Not fun. HARVARD Not dinner conversation. LAWRENCE (to Harvard) Dame Judi Dench, shut the fuck up. JIM What did she say when she saw you? LAWRENCE Like father like son. They all laugh. LAWRENCE (CONT'D) No. What the fuck do you think she said? She screamed and closed the door. HARVARD And that was it? LAWRENCE Yeah. I'm never forgetting to lock my fucking door ever again. HARVARD Bloody traumatizing. ABBEY (giggling) More like bloody hysterical. LAWRENCE (to Jim) She really seems to be enjoying this. JIM What can I say, she knows true comedy when she hears it. LAWRENCE (sarcastic) Ha ha. JIM Plus she's so well rounded. LAWRENCE Then I guess it's time to put her through the ringer. JIM What? LAWRENCE It's just a few questions that the three of us came up with on the way here. JIM Why? LAWRENCE Just a guide of sorts. They'll give us a little peek inside of your girlfriend. And that came out a lot dirtier than I had intended. JIM No. I don't think- ABBEY -Jim come on. It'll be fun. LAWRENCE Yes Jim, it will be fun. JIM Alright. Your choice not mine. LAWRENCE (to Abbey) Okay, let's begin. Now remember to take your time, answer honestly, and don't be afraid to swear. JIM Oh God. ABBEY Let's do this. LAWRENCE Favorite song, go. ABBEY Of all time? LAWRENCE Yep. ABBEY I'm gonna go with "Sympathy for the Devil". LAWRENCE That's so hot. JIM Hey! LAWRENCE Well it is. And you know it. JIM (thinks it over) I guess you're right. (To Abbey) That's pretty hot. ABBEY Thank you Woody. LAWRENCE Alright Ross and Rachel cool it with the lovey-dovey. Blimp you're up. BLIMP (thinks) Okay let's see, favorite movie. ABBEY (quickly) "Casablanca". BLIMP Interesting. LAWRENCE Still kinda hot. JIM (to Lawrence) Enough with the hot. LAWRENCE Hey I'm not giving the answers, she is. I'm just givin' my opinions. HARVARD And now for the proverbial icing on the cake, favorite Beatle. ABBEY (without hesitation) George. LAWRENCE Alrighty. Lawrence, Blimp, and Harvard huddle up together; whispering things into each other's ear. Jim looks at Abbey and shakes his head, she smiles. LAWRENCE (CONT'D) We the jury have reached a verdict. (Pauses for dramatic effect) We think you're awesome. ABBEY Aww. (To Jim) How 'bout that sweetie? JIM This is kind of a shock. They like very few people. You should feel special. LAWRENCE (to Abbey) Congratulations you're in. And you can continue to date our boy here. He reaches over and shakes her hand. ABBEY I feel loved. INT. HARVARD'S CAR (MOVING) - NIGHT Harvard is driving Lawrence and Blimp home after dinner. BLIMP I feel sick. Did anyone else have the ravioli? LAWRENCE Nope. BLIMP I don't get it, the first order tasted fine. LAWRENCE So the second order was a bad idea? BLIMP I think it was. I'm gonna have the fuckin' runs all night. HARVARD Good God man. Talk about over sharing. BLIMP (to Lawrence) Oh man, remember that party at Schultz's house over break? Remember how sick I got? LAWRENCE Yeah. BLIMP Child's play compared to what's coming tonight. LAWRENCE Wait, what party was that? BLIMP Schultz's. LAWRENCE Schultz's? (Comes to a realization) Holy shit! BLIMP What? LAWRENCE (enraged) Motherfucker! CUT TO: INT. FILMORE PREP HALLWAYS - AFTER SCHOOL The hallway is empty. Lawrence is taking books from his bag and shoving them in his locker. He seems angry. Jim comes up behind him. JIM Hey man what's up? I haven't seen you all day. Lawrence doesn't respond. He continues taking books out of his bag. JIM (CONT'D) I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate last night. You guys couldn't have been better. Lawrence stops and looks at Jim directly. LAWRENCE (serious) I want that girl out of your life. He slams the locker door shut. BANG. He blows by Jim and heads down the stairs. Jim stays there motionless. TITLE CARD: "THE BIG REVEAL" INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT We fade into the scene at the very beginning of the story. Jim has just climbed into bed after frantically pacing around his room. CLOSEUP - JIM'S FACE JIM (starts to cry) There's no way. She wouldn't do that. She wouldn't... His phone rings. He looks to see who it is. INSERT SHOT: PHONE SCREEN The screen displays Abbey's name. He stares at the phone, waiting for it to go to voice-mail. He plays the message. ABBEY (V.O.) Hey sweetie, I just wanted to see if you wanted to get together tomorrow night. I just rented all three "Star Wars" prequels. I thought we could watch them and make fun of 'em. Well anyway call me and let me know. Bye. Jim shuts the phone and throws it on the bed. INT. ABBEY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Abbey is typing at her computer. There is a knock on the door. ABBEY Who is it? JIM (softly) Me. ABBEY It's safe. Come in. Jim enters. You can tell he had been crying. His body language is very awkward. He keeps his hands in his pockets. Abbey gets up and notices the way he looks. ABBEY (CONT'D) What's wrong? JIM He told me everything. ABBEY Who? JIM Lawrence. ABBEY Everything about what? JIM About you and what you did. Who you did it with. ABBEY Sweetie... She moves toward him. He backs away. JIM Don't. She sits down on her bed. He moves to the other side of the room. ABBEY Okay, sorry. I want to know what he told you. I want to know why you're mad. JIM You really want to know? ABBEY Yes. Tell me. JIM He said he saw you and that fuck Morris together over winter break. ABBEY What? JIM You heard me. ABBEY Come on Jim. He's obviously messing with you. How come he didn't say anything at dinner? If he really saw me he would have said something. JIM He realized it was you on the way home. You're lucky he didn't recognize you at the restaurant because he would have made a fucking scene. ABBEY Jim... JIM When he told me today after school all the air left my lungs. It felt like I was punched in the gut. And yeah at first I thought he was messing with me. He's fucking crazy like that. But as corny as it sounds, I saw it in his eyes. They looked hurt. I could see that he genuinely felt bad for me. I could see his pity. He felt sorry that I had been taken for such a ride by you. ABBEY No Jim. JIM Stop. I believe him. So I'm here for a confession. ABBEY Confession? JIM Well its obvious you didn't go away over the break. Were you with him? Abbey is silent. JIM (CONT'D) Just please make this easy and answer. Abbey remains silent JIM (CONT'D) (raises his voice) Answer the goddamn question! Abbey gives up the charade. ABBEY (softly) I was with him. JIM Did you sleep with him? ABBEY (starts to cry) Yes. JIM Then that's that. He walks out the room and slams the door behind him. Abbey remains on the bed in tears. INT. JIM KRAMER'S CAR (MOVING) - NIGHT Jim is driving home with tears streaming down his face, pounding on the steering wheel. INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Jim lays in his bed with his hands behind his head staring at the ceiling. INT. FILMORE PREP CAFETERIA - DAY Lawrence, Blimp, Harvard are at the usual spot. BLIMP How is he? LAWRENCE I don't know. I haven't heard from him, but one would assume he's a fucking wreck. HARVARD So let me get this straight, you saw Abbey and? LAWRENCE Morris. BLIMP That jock piece of shit? LAWRENCE The very same. HARVARD And you saw them together? LAWRENCE I saw the two of them in the corner at Schultz's party. And they were being very forward with each other. HARVARD This is a bleeding tragedy. Poor Jim. Lawrence's cell phone rings. He looks to see who it is. LAWRENCE Speak of the devil. (Answers the phone) Jim my man, how's it going? (Pauses) Yeah man sure thing. (Pauses) Hello? Lawrence hangs up. LAWRENCE (CONT'D) Wow. BLIMP What did he say? LAWRENCE He told me to make sure that I take really detailed notes in class today so he wouldn't miss anything and then he hung up. HARVARD Only concerned about school work. BLIMP It's unfathomable. Lawrence and Harvard turn and stare at Blimp. LAWRENCE I'm surprised you didn't choke on that. INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Jim is sitting on his bed with his arms crossed, emotionless. His phone rings. Abbey's name appears on the screen. Jim naturally doesn't answer. The phone rings again. Abbey again. Jim lets it ring. Abbey calls one more time. Jim becomes beyond frustrated. He takes the phone and throws it against the wall. TITLE CARD: "THE PLEADING HEART SHOW" INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - MORNING Jim is getting ready for school. He prepares his books. He stands in front of the mirror and makes his tie. EMILY (O.S.) Jim? JIM Yeah. EMILY (O.S.) Do you want me to make you some breakfast? Some pancakes maybe? JIM No. EMILY (O.S.) Are you sure? JIM Yeah. EMILY (O.S.) Positive? JIM (to himself) Sweet Jesus. (To Emily) I'm absolutely positively sure. EMILY (O.S.) Okay sweetheart. Just checking. JIM (frustrated) Yeah I know. The doorbell rings. EMILY (O.S.) I'll get it. JIM (to himself) Naturally. Jim goes to the window to see who it is. He sees Abbey's car parked outside. There is silence. No word from downstairs. EMILY (O.S.) Jim, you have a visitor. There's a knock on the door. ABBEY (O.S.) Is it safe? Jim hesitates for a moment, then he opens the door. We see that Abbey is dressed in her school uniform: navy blue sweater and plaid skirt. JIM What do you want? ABBEY To talk. JIM I think you better leave. ABBEY I'm not leaving until we talk. JIM Listen I've got a long day of school ahead of me. So I don't need this right now. ABBEY Jim, please. Jim walks by her, downstairs past Emily, and out of the house. EMILY I'm so sorry dear. I've never seen him like this. ABBEY (sincerely, on the verge of tears) I fucked up real bad. (Notices her foul language) Sorry. Abbey bursts into hysterics. Emily goes over and gives her a hug. EMILY There there. It'll be alright. He'll come to his senses. ABBEY (crying) No he won't. He shouldn't have to. I don't deserve him. FADE TO: INT. FILMORE PREP CLASSROOM - DAY Jim sits among rows of empty desks in the classroom. Lawrence enters. LAWRENCE There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you. Why the fuck are you in here? JIM I'm waiting for class to start. LAWRENCE It doesn't start for another half hour. Why the hell are you sitting here amongst the air? JIM I said I'm waiting for class to start. LAWRENCE So you're just gonna sit her for a half hour instead of coming downstairs and eating with us? Jim nods his head yes. LAWRENCE (CONT'D) Oh yeah, then I'm staying too. JIM You don't have to. Go and eat. LAWRENCE No. I'm gonna stay here and keep your miserable ass company. JIM I don't need company. I prefer to be alone. LAWRENCE Listen, I know you're all mopey and shit, so it's my job to turn your little frown upside down. And I promise not to rhyme that much. The teacher MR. BURTON enters the room. He is in his late forties. He appears very disheveled and sports a cliche tweed blazer with leather elbow patches. MR. BURTON Oh shit did I miss something? Or am I late? LAWRENCE No you're fine. But quite the potty mouth Mr. B. MR. BURTON It's my one vice. So then you guys are here early because you're real eager to learn? LAWRENCE Um... Not exactly. I mean no offense. MR. BURTON None taken. I guess I really can't expect any of you to want to learn about the Pythagorean theorem. Not very sexy stuff. LAWRENCE You see we're hear early because Jim's girlfriend cheated on him. JIM (to Lawrence) Asshole. (To Mr. Burton) Sorry. MR. BURTON No worries. LAWRENCE (to Jim) There's no point in lying to the man. MR. BURTON So you're both here early because Jim's girlfriend cheated on him? LAWRENCE In a matter of speaking yes. He's down in the dumps and doesn't feel like socializing with any of his friends so he's sitting here alone waiting for class to start. And I'm keeping him company. MR. BURTON I'm sorry to hear that Jim. JIM Thanks, I guess. MR. BURTON How are you holding up, if you don't mind me asking? JIM Not too good. MR. BURTON Well that's normal. I've been through it before. JIM So it's supposed to hurt this much? MR. BURTON Fuck yeah. JIM Does it stop? MR. BURTON It'll take some time. I'm not gonna lie to you, it may even get worse. My best advice to you is to distance yourself. JIM What do you mean? MR. BURTON Get as for away from this girl as possible. Get her out of your head. JIM Well she's not that easy to forget. LAWRENCE He's right, you gotta get her out of your head. Avoid her at all costs. It's the only fucking way to get through this. MR. BURTON (to Lawrence) Hey just because I curse doesn't mean it's alright for you to. (To Jim) Listen, I know it'll be tough, but it's something you have to do if you want to get over her. JIM But I don't really know if I want to get over her. LAWRENCE Dear God I'll pretend that I didn't hear that. MR. BURTON Well if that's the case then it's all up to you. You love her, or you hate her. She did a horrible thing. And now you have to decide whether or not you're able to look past that. You've gotta make the decision no matter how difficult. As they say, the ball's in your court. JIM Great. I fucking hate basketball. EXT. JIM KRAMER'S HOUSE - DAY Jim arrives home from school. He pulls into his driveway. He gets out and notices Abbey sitting on his porch. Jim exits the car and approaches the porch. ABBEY (softly) How was school? He remains silent. ABBEY (CONT'D) I know I'm- Jim walks past her and into the house. INT. JIM KRAMER'S HOUSE - HALLWAY EMILY She's been out there all day. Jim stops for a moment, then continues upstairs and shuts the door to his room. INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - DAY He puts his bag on the bed. He takes his shoes off and undoes his tie. He pauses and then goes and opens the door. JIM (to Emily) Make sure you bring her some food. TITLE CARD: "PROVING GROUNDS" INT. FILMORE PREP CAFETERIA - DAY Blimp and Harvard are at their usual table. Lawrence is getting a coke in the soda machine next to them. He puts a dollar in the machine but it spits it back out. He does it again, same result. Now he begins to get agitated. One more try, same result. LAWRENCE Motherfucking machine. BLIMP Need some help? Lawrence turns to him. LAWRENCE Please spare me your assistance. BLIMP Fine. Another try, same result. Blimp pulls out a crisp dollar bill from his wallet and holds it in the air. Lawrence turns around and slowly takes the bill from his hand without saying a word. He inserts it in the machine. This time it takes. Lawrence finally gets his coke. He sits down and slides the twenty five cents change towards Blimp. LAWRENCE (muttering) Thank you. BLIMP Don't mention it. Harvard laughs. HARVARD Bloody priceless. BLIMP So that film class I'm taking this year, big mistake. HARVARD Why is that? BLIMP I'm really bad at it. LAWRENCE At watching movies? BLIMP No, I'm really bad at watching these movies. The "classics". HARVARD Classics? BLIMP You know "Casablanca", "The Godfather". The boring ones. LAWRENCE Boring? Are you out of your fucking mind? How dare you blaspheme like that. BLIMP What? I just don't get them. LAWRENCE What's not to get about "The Godfather"? They're Sicilian. That's pretty much all there is to it. Hasn't the teacher tried to simplify these things for you? BLIMP He's an idiot. It just makes the class that much worse. HARVARD Who's teaching it? BLIMP Nolan. HARVARD The bloody coke head. BLIMP He's a coke head? HARVARD Yep. LAWRENCE Big time blow fiend. BLIMP Really? LAWRENCE You haven't noticed? He's always sweating and shit. BLIMP It's never really been brought to my attention. HARVARD Well tell me this. Does he go into his office during class? BLIMP Yeah I've seen him do that a couple of times. LAWRENCE And afterwards, when he comes out, does he have the sniffles? BLIMP Yeah. LAWRENCE So that leads us to believe that he is riding the white pony in that office. BLIMP Wow. At least now I have something to look forward to in class today. He said we're gonna start watching "Citizen Kane". LAWRENCE It was his sled. BLIMP What? Abbey enters the cafeteria. LAWRENCE (notices her) Holy shit. BLIMP Who's sled? ABBEY Hi guys. Lawrence starts to notice the boys in the cafeteria are turning their attention to Abbey. He quickly moves forward, grabs her arm, and rushes her out of the cafeteria. ABBEY (CONT'D) (to Harvard and Blimp) Bye guys. BLIMP (to Harvard) Who's sled? CUT TO: EXT. FILMORE PREP FRONT LAWN - DAY LAWRENCE Are you out of your fucking mind? A girl that looks like you does not, I repeat, does not walk into a cafeteria full of hormonal teenage boys wearing a plaid skirt and live to tell about it. You're lucky I got you out of there before you were dry humped to death. But then again I don't like you very much, so maybe I should have left you there to be fed to the horny lions. ABBEY Thanks for the heads up. LAWRENCE What are you doing here? ABBEY He won't take any of my calls. LAWRENCE And you're surprised why? ABBEY I need to talk to him. LAWRENCE Don't you understand he wants nothing to do with you? You ripped his heart out and shoved in a freakin' oven. Fucking Sylvia Plath has nothing on you. ABBEY You think I'm happy about what I did? I hate myself for it. LAWRENCE (sarcastic) Aww poor baby wants her ba-ba. (Angry) You crushed that kid. ABBEY I know. I need to set things right. LAWRENCE How? ABBEY I'm going to explain myself to him. LAWRENCE Not gonna happen. I won't let you. ABBEY Watch me. Abbey darts into the building. LAWRENCE Oh fuck me. INT. FILMORE PREP STAIRWELL - DAY Lawrence chases Abbey up the stairs. LAWRENCE This is insane. ABBEY Geometry or English? Which class is he in? LAWRENCE I'm not telling. INT. FILMORE PREP HALLWAYS - DAY Abbey begins looking into the doors of random classrooms. Lawrence is tailing her, trying not to make a scene. He takes her by the arm to the end of a row of lockers, making sure not to be seen. LAWRENCE Okay I get it. You're crazy about him. But that's no reason to run around like a chicken with its head cut off. ABBEY I told you I need to find him. Don't underestimate my determination. LAWRENCE You seem determined, I'll give you that much. It's actually borderline annoying. ABBEY So are you going to let me see him? LAWRENCE No. ABBEY Why not? LAWRENCE Because I'm his best friend. And if I'm responsible for giving the girl who cheated on him an opportunity to see him, when he sure as hell doesn't want to see her, it'll stir up a lot of shit between us that I don't really want stirred up. So no is still my final answer. ABBEY So if you're not gonna help- LAWRENCE I didn't say I wouldn't help. ABBEY But you said- LAWRENCE I said I won't let you see him. ABBEY So then how am I gonna get in touch with him? LAWRENCE Don't worry I'll think of something. Something quite genius in fact. It's what I do. ABBEY This coming from the guy who doesn't like me. Why so nice all of a sudden? LAWRENCE I don't know. Call it man's intuition. I know he loves you, or at least he did. So the way I see it, let's see if this thing is really meant to be and give you a fighting chance at getting him back. ABBEY I know he's worth fighting for. LAWRENCE Well you better come strong because I can't take his moping anymore. ABBEY Yeah sorry, that's kinda my doing. LAWRENCE Okay let's just put the apologies on hold for now, and let's get you out of here before someone picks up your scent. Lawrence and Abbey then covertly sneak out to the stairwell. TITLE CARD: "DRUG OF CHOICE" EXT. JIM KRAMER'S HOUSE - DAY Jim checks the mailbox. It's empty. He enters the house. INT. JIM KRAMER'S KITCHEN - DAY Emily is sitting at the kitchen table reading a magazine. JIM Why isn't there any mail? EMILY I don't know. JIM It's always here by the time I come home from school. EMILY (humoring him) It's very odd. JIM Extremely odd. EMILY Why are you so concerned about the mail all of a sudden? Expecting something important? JIM Junk mail, detergent samples, college acceptance letters; you know, the usual. EMILY Well I'll keep an eye out for the mailman. JIM Thank you. Jim heads up the stairs. EMILY Oh I almost forgot. Something did come in for you today. I left it on your bed. She dropped it off this morning after you left for school. INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - DAY Jim walks in and sees a CD case on his bed. He takes it out of the case and see that it's a DVD. CUT TO: INSERT SHOT: DVD There is a label on the DVD that reads: "PLEASE WATCH ME". FADE TO: INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - DAY Jim sits in front of his TV. He presses play on the remote. The DVD starts up. Abbey appears on screen. ABBEY Hi. How are you doing? Are you doing well? I hope you're doing well. I'm doing fine. (To herself) Wow, barely a minute in and I'm already rambling. LAWRENCE (O.C.) Don't worry you're doing fine. Just keep going. It'll start to come naturally. ABBEY That was Lawrence by the way. Say hi Lawrence. LAWRENCE (O.C.) Hi Lawrence. ABBEY This is his genius idea. I know you don't want to see me right now but I feel I need to make things clear. So he figured this is the best method of communication. And we all know you can't resist a DVD. Jim nods in agreement. ABBEY (CONT'D) So first thing's first, I slept with Morris over Christmas break. And I hate myself for it. I got real drunk. Sloppy drunk. And it just happened. See the thing is Morris and I have a history together. I know I should've told you about it, that would have been the normal thing to do. But I kept it from you. Honestly I didn't think it was necessary for you to know. I thought he was out of my life for good. That night we first met at the party, there in his bedroom, I was putting the final nail in the coffin. Or at least I thought so at the time. We were pretty much over with. I couldn't take it anymore, so I ended it. Then you walk into my life and change everything. (Extreme sincerity) I'm so happy when I'm with you. And I want more of you when we're apart. You're like this drug I need, that I can't get enough of. You're my heroin. No one has ever made me feel like this before. I honestly didn't think a guy like you actually existed. It's generally known that men pretty much suck. But not you. You're kick ass. As it turns out I'm the one who sucks, big time. I'm a horrible person. What I did to you is unforgiveable, without question. She pauses. ABBEY (CONT'D) (on the verge of tears) I'm never having another drink in my life. Jim... Tears begin to stream down her face. ABBEY (CONT'D) I'm so sorry. I can't believe I did this to you. You're so sweet to me. You're perfect. I love you so- Jim turns the TV off. He sits their expressionless. INT. FILMORE PREP HALLWAYS - AFTER SCHOOL Jim is putting books into his locker. Lawrence arrives. LAWRENCE Did you watch it? JIM Yep. LAWRENCE And what did you think? I mean I didn't have much to work with, but I still think the production values were excellent. JIM Idiot. LAWRENCE Seriously though, what did you think? JIM It is what it is. It doesn't really change anything. LAWRENCE I'm sorry to hear that. JIM So am I. Jim shuts his locker and walks away. JIM (CONT'D) And don't worry, I'm not mad at you. I know you were only trying to help. He walks down the stairs. FADE OUT. TITLE CARD: "THREE AND A HALF MONTHS LATER" INT. FILMORE PREP CAFETERIA - DAY Jim, Lawrence, Blimp, and Harvard are dining at their usual spot. BLIMP So has everyone made up their minds yet? JIM Yeah. LAWRENCE Same. HARVARD Me too. BLIMP Well then I guess I'll go first. I'm going with Northwestern. JIM Wow. Good for you man. What did it for you? LAWRENCE The deep dish pizza. BLIMP (to Lawrence) Actually it was the academics jerk. What about you? LAWRENCE Loyola Maryland motherfucker. Rock and roll all night and party everyday and not do a stitch of homework. BLIMP No shock there. Jim? JIM I wanted to stay somewhat local, so I decided on Columbia. LAWRENCE Way to go sport. (To Harvard) Hermione? BLIMP Oh come on, like we really have to ask. JIM A blind man can see where he's going. HARVARD Yale. They're all stunned. LAWRENCE You're shitting me. JIM That's unbelievable. How are the parents taking it? HARVARD Oh they're in pieces over it. JIM I can imagine that they are. I mean with your name and all. HARVARD (angry) But I don't give a fuck. It's my future not their's. They're all stunned again. LAWRENCE Look at the pair on Prince Charles over here. HARVARD It feels bloody good to get that off my back. LAWRENCE You look ten pounds lighter. BLIMP So this is really happening then. The next step through the door of adulthood is just in front of us. LAWRENCE Would you go eat something already? Maybe a tiny horse or something. And cut that guidance counselor bull-shit. JIM Ease up on him. He's making a lot of sense. The real world's knocking. It's time for us to wake up. LAWRENCE And you sound like a fucking Hallmark card. HARVARD What a wanker. JIM (to Lawrence) Tell me you're not gonna miss that. BLIMP I'm gonna. LAWRENCE I won't miss anything about this shit hole. BLIMP You're not gonna miss us? Blimp makes a sad puppy dog face. Lawrence cracks up. LAWRENCE (laughing) God I hate you guys so much. INT. FILMORE PREP HALLWAYS - AFTER SCHOOL Jim is cleaning garbage out of his locker. He takes out old crumpled up papers and tests. He sees a picture of Abbey buried in the back. This has been there for months. He takes it out. CUT TO: INSERT SHOT: PICTURE It's a candid shot of Abbey. She's not looking into the camera, yet she's still as beautiful as can be. Jim has the picture in his hand. He's thinking something over long and hard. He puts it back in his locker. EXT. FILMORE PREP FRONT LAWN - DAY Jim, Lawrence, and Harvard are on the floor leaning against the front wall of the building. LAWRENCE So I get a call from this girl last night. She says she wants to get together this weekend. HARVARD But? LAWRENCE There's a slight problem. JIM You have no idea who the hell she is do you? LAWRENCE Not a fucking clue. I think I met her at some party. The voice is familiar, but other than that I'm drawing a blank. HARVARD Why don't you just ask her who she is? LAWRENCE Because I don't want to come off as some sort of prick who meets girls and doesn't remember their names or what they look like. JIM So what did you tell her? LAWRENCE That we should definitely get together this weekend. JIM Naturally. HARVARD So you'd rather go out with a girl who you don't remember, or may not even know, just for the chance of getting off with her? LAWRENCE You've known me for the past four years. Do you honestly expect anything more from me? Especially when it comes to chicks. I mean come on, you know I have what they call a one track mind. A track that leads directly to their tunnel. HARVARD You're right I should've remembered which head you bloody think with. LAWRENCE Yeah it's the big one. If you know what I mean? JIM I think I might actually miss the sexual innuendo. LAWRENCE You know you will. Brief pause. HARVARD (to Jim) So how have you been? JIM Alright. I guess. HARVARD You seem a tad different. JIM I don't know, I kinda feel a little empty. Like I'm missing something. HARVARD Or someone. LAWRENCE He's right. You miss her don't you? JIM Of course I do. I can't lie. I loved the girl. I guess I'm just in the withdrawal phase right now. It's like when smokers try and quit cold turkey. I'm gonna start getting the nicotine shakes soon. HARVARD You think you'll ever get over her? JIM I don't know. Up until all this shit happened, being with her was the best. It was a great time. LAWRENCE But the she fucked you over royally. HARVARD Did you ever find out why she did it? Why she slept with that sodding moron? JIM She said she was drunk. So that resulted in some impaired judgement. LAWRENCE But that doesn't change the fact that she did it. Plus, she still lied to you about going away over the break. She wasn't drunk then. That means she obviously had bad intentions. Cruel intentions in fact. So there must have been a reason for her to do what she did. JIM And if there is then I'm not sure if I really want to know. LAWRENCE Yes you do want to know. The girl broke your heart. Trust me, you're gonna want some fucking closure. JIM Well we'll see. Maybe this is our destiny or something. I don't know. LAWRENCE This isn't "Star Wars". HARVARD But what if your destiny is to be together with her and this is all just a test? Have you given that any thought? JIM If that's the case, then maybe fate will rear it's head and bring us together. TITLE CARD: "FUNNY FATE" INT. BOOK STORE - NIGHT Jim and Richard enter the store. RICHARD I shouldn't be that long. Do you need to get anything? JIM No. I'm just gonna look around. RICHARD Then I'll meet you back here in twenty minutes. JIM Okay. INT. BOOK STORE - MAGAZINE AISLE Jim looks around. Flips through a few magazines. He doesn't find anything that he likes. INT. BOOK STORE - CD / DVD SECTION Jim looks through the many racks of CD's and DVD's but finds nothing. INT. BOOK STORE - FICTION AISLE Jim looks through the shelves, taking out books here and there. Then a voice is heard. ABBEY (O.S.) Jim? Jim immediately stops what he's doing. He turns to see Abbey standing at the far end of the aisle. There is a great space between them. ABBEY (CONT'D) Hi. Jim doesn't answer back. ABBEY (CONT'D) How are you doing? JIM How do you think I'm doing? ABBEY I hope that you're probably doing better. But I guess that's not the case. JIM You guess right. ABBEY Well I've been miserable too. I'm not the same. JIM That effects me how? What am I supposed to say about that? ABBEY Nothing. I'm responsible for all this. I can't even begin to explain how sorry I am. JIM (angry) Stop telling me how sorry you are. ABBEY What else am I supposed to say Jim? Shit happens? I brought this on, so I'm owning up. And saying sorry is the very least I can do. There is a brief pause. JIM Why did you do it? ABBEY (thinks it over first) Because I was scared. JIM Scared of what? ABBEY Of how great things were. I wasn't used to it. Guys I've been with always turned out to be shit. Terrible things ended those relationships. I assumed that nature would eventually take its course with us. So this time I thought I'd preempt the bad with something worse. I drove myself back to Morris. I let it get out of control and now we're here. To put it simply... (She pauses) I'm an idiot. I thought you would end up hurting me. But you're not that kind of guy. You're something else. Something real special. And I'm in love with you. Jim remains silent. He backs out of the aisle. JIM I gotta go meet my dad. Tears fill Abbey's eyes. CUT TO: EXT. BOOK STORE - NIGHT Jim comes out the front door walking passed Richard. RICHARD Hey slow down. I saw Abbey in there. I wonder how she's doing. JIM Miserable. INT. FILMORE PREP HALLWAYS - AFTER SCHOOL Jim is taking books out of his locker. Mr. Burton passes behind him. MR. BURTON Mr. Kramer, have a nice weekend. JIM Actually Mr. Burton, I've been meaning to talk to you today. Do you have a second? MR. BURTON Um, I actually have several seconds. Let's talk in my office. INT. MR. BURTON'S OFFICE It looks like someone dropped a nuclear bomb filled with papers in the middle of the unbelievably small office. Mr. Burton sits at his desk. MR. BURTON Pull up a chair. JIM I can't stay long, I'm actually on my way out. MR. BURTON So what's on your mind? JIM (hesitates) I'll be blunt. Did you ever get back together with that woman, the one who cheated on you? MR. BURTON That's a little- JIM -I'm sorry. That's a little too personal. I apologize. MR. BURTON No need to apologize really. You just caught me a bit off guard that's all. JIM Sorry it was a bit of a sneak attack. MR. BURTON So what's bringing about this sort of questioning? It seems a bit out of left field. JIM Well I just ran into this girl recently. MR. BURTON The one who cheated on you? JIM Yep. Three and a half months with no contact and she just appears in the fiction aisle of "Barnes and Noble". MR. BURTON Three and a half months? I did not last that long. JIM So you got back together with her? MR. BURTON For a little bit, yes. But it ultimately didn't work out. I guess it was one of those things that just wasn't meant to be. JIM Oh. MR. BURTON I don't if that helps but it's all I got. JIM I don't know if any definitive answer is gonna help right now. She's back in the bloodstream. It's kind of a problem. MR. BURTON A piece of advice that I can give, you'll know when the time is right to ultimately make that decision. It'll just hit you. It hit me, it hits everyone. You'll know when the time is right. JIM Then I'll make sure to keep checking my watch. FADE OUT. TITLE CARD: "GETTIN' LUCKY ON PROM NIGHT" INT. FILMORE PREP CAFETERIA - AFTER SCHOOL Jim, Lawrence, and Harvard are relaxing at their usual spot. LAWRENCE Only one more week and this will all be over. HARVARD Does this make you sad? LAWRENCE If by sad you mean orgasmically happy, then yes, I'm extremely sad. JIM (sarcastic) Definitely gonna miss the sarcasm. Blimp enters and sits down. BLIMP My money's in and I'm set for tonight boys. JIM For what? BLIMP Prom. Duh. Jim and Lawrence both make gagging and vomiting noises. HARVARD So I take it you two chaps aren't going. LAWRENCE Not even if you fucking paid me. BLIMP Is there a reason why? JIM Put it this way, I hate about ninety-four percent of the kids at this school. Why would I want to go to a party with them? BLIMP Because it's fun. LAWRENCE Bad music. Bad food. Not to mention everyone's annoying dates. That sounds like the farthest thing from fun. A total waste of my valuable time and money. JIM Amen sister. BLIMP And you guys have better things to do tonight? LAWRENCE Fuck yes. Remember the girl whose name I don't know? JIM Mulva? LAWRENCE We're gonna have us a little date action tonight. Maybe even a little touchy feely action if I play my cards right. And then if she falls asleep- BLIMP -Oh god. LAWRENCE I'm gonna go through her wallet and look for her driver's licence. HARVARD (sarcastic) Bloody genius that is. BLIMP (to Jim) And what about you? JIM I'm gonna stay home and watch a movie. BLIMP (sarcastic) That sounds like a wild time. Mothers lock up your daughters, Jim Kramer is on the prowl tonight. JIM But I didn't tell you what movie. BLIMP Go ahead. JIM I'm gonna be watching a little film called "Boogie Nights". BLIMP So. LAWRENCE You're an idiot. HARVARD I agree. BLIMP Hey not cool. I didn't see it, give me a break. LAWRENCE (commanding) I suggest that you see it immediately. BLIMP Well I can't because I'm gonna be to busy going to the prom. Lawrence bites his tongue, literally. JIM May I ask a simple question? BLIMP Yeah. JIM Who exactly are you going with tonight? BLIMP (hesitates) She's just this girl I know. LAWRENCE But who is she? Do we know her? BLIMP (bumbling) She's no one. She's just this girl. LAWRENCE Just tell us who she is. BLIMP No because it doesn't matter. JIM Please. HARVARD Come on. BLIMP I don't think so. LAWRENCE Alright listen, I'm gonna lay it out real nice for you. You're not leaving this cafeteria until you tell us who your date is tonight. Plain and fucking simple. BLIMP You can't make me. LAWRENCE Can and will. JIM Just tell us. HARVARD We promise we won't laugh or make a big deal. Blimp thinks it over. BLIMP Fine. I'm going with my cousin Melissa. JIM (trying to hold the laughter in) Oh that's cool. Jim, Lawrence, and Harvard all look at each other. They can't hold it in. The three of them erupt in laughter. Lawrence falls out of his chair laughing. LAWRENCE (laughing) Oh my god it hurts so much! BLIMP You guys suck something fierce. INT. JIM KRAMER'S KITCHEN - NIGHT Jim pours a glass of soda. He grabs a box of Raisinets from the cabinet and heads upstairs. INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Jim is laying in bed. The movie is playing. He's eating his Raisinets one by one. Some time passes. He stops and looks at the box. He studies it. He's reminded of something. CUT TO: INSERT SHOT: RAISINETS BOX FADE TO: TITLE CARD: "THE FIFTH DATE" INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT Jim and Abbey are sitting waiting for the movie to start. ABBEY Don't you just love going to the movies? JIM I do. ABBEY It's just something about it, you know? That moment after the lights go down, and the half hour of previews are over, right before the actual movie is about to start. In that one moment I don't have a care in the world. Because I know that for the next hour and a half, nothing outside of this dark room matters. Regardless of what's going on in my life, seeing a movie blocks it out. JIM I couldn't agree with you more. ABBEY You know what else is great about going to the movies? JIM What? ABBEY The snacks. JIM So I take it you're hungry. ABBEY Well now that you mentioned it and since you're gonna offer, because you're such a caring little boy, I could actually go for something to eat. JIM I am very caring. Now do you want anything special? ABBEY Surprise me. JIM Okay. If I'm not back in ten minutes- ABBEY -just wait longer. JIM That's my girl. INT. MOVIE THEATER CONCESSION STAND Jim is waiting on line. He glances to his left and sees a couple sitting on a bench. The guy has his arm around the girl. The two of them are sharing a box of Raisinets. He knows that this is the kind of love that he wants in life. CUT TO: INT. MOVIE THEATER Jim returns to his seat. ABBEY Yay! He's back. And he brought snacks. What more can a girl ask for. So what did you get? JIM Popcorn. ABBEY And? Jim removes a box from his pocket. JIM Raisinets. ABBEY Oh marry me! JIM I knew you'd like that. ABBEY Like? Try love. JIM I know, I'm good. Maybe even too good sometimes. But I never let it go to my head. ABBEY It's always good to stay grounded with us little people. She kisses him on the cheek. ABBEY (CONT'D) Thank you. JIM Don't mention it. FADE TO: TWO SHOT: JIM AND ABBEY The movie has started. Jim and Abbey are watching attentively while eating their food. Abbey passes Jim the Raisinets and shifts in her seat. She lifts up the arm rest in between the two of them. She moves closer to Jim, takes his arm and puts it around her. She takes some Raisinets from the box in Jim's hand. Jim smiles. To him this is a perfect moment. BACK TO: INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT - PRESENT Jim is laying on his back staring at the ceiling. He turns on his side and sees Abbey sleeping next to him. She's the most beautiful girl that he's ever seen. It's all in his head. Jim turns back on his side. JIM (to himself) What the hell am I doing? (Louder) What the hell am I doing? I fucking love this girl. And I'm definitely talking to myself. Jim springs from bed and grabs his phone. He calls Abbey. The phone rings and rings but she doesn't answer. JIM (CONT'D) Shit. He dials the phone again. This time he calls her house. JIM (CONT'D) Mr. Harris, hi it's Jim. Is Abbey there? MR. HARRIS (on the phone) No Jim she's not. JIM Do you know where she is? MR. HARRIS She's at the prom. JIM The Fillmore prom? MR. HARRIS No. Her school's prom is tonight too. JIM Oh...right. Can you tell me where it is? MR. HARRIS Of course. Do you have a pen and paper? CUT TO: INT. JIM KRAMER'S CAR (MOVING) Jim frantically speeds down the highway. His phone rings. JIM Hello? LAWRENCE (on the phone) What's going on? JIM I love her! LAWRENCE What? Where are you? JIM I'm going to the prom. LAWRENCE What? JIM Not ours, hers. LAWRENCE Are you fucking sure about this? JIM As sure as I've ever been about anything in my entire life. The Raisinets were a sign. LAWRENCE What in God's name are you talking about? JIM Trust me, it'll make perfect sense when I explain it to you. LAWRENCE Alright just shut the hell up and go get the damn girl. EXT. CATERING HALL - NIGHT He pulls up to the prom and leaves his car in front of the building and runs inside. CUT TO: INT. PROM - NIGHT There's loud music playing. Many of the kids are up dancing with their dates. Abbey and her friend VANESSA, 18, are sitting at their table, which is empty. ABBEY Remind me why I'm here again. VANESSA You're here because it's prom. And prom is a right of passage for us girls. It's practically required. ABBEY But does it matter that we're not having any fun? VANESSA No. It just matters that we're here. So we get credit for it amongst the sisterhood. ABBEY I would rather be home right now. VANESSA It'll be over soon. But maybe if you try to have some fun it'll go by a lot quicker. ABBEY I don't think that's gonna happen. This is all just too depressing for me. I mean I actually think I'm the only one here without a date. It's so sad. VANESSA Oh don't worry about it. (Looking around) It'll all be over- (Stunned) Oh my God! Vanessa notices Jim standing in the entrance of the room. ABBEY What? VANESSA Oh my God! ABBEY What is it? VANESSA (happy) Oh my God! Vanessa points her in the direction of the doorway. VANESSA (CONT'D) Look. Abbey see Jim. ABBEY (stunned) Oh my God! Jim frantically motions for her to come to the doorway. VANESSA Go get him. Abbey becomes filled with joy. She darts out of her chair and goes to him. They embrace. ABBEY (happy) What are you doing here? JIM I came to give you something. He kisses her passionately. ABBEY (laughing) Oh man that was so corny! They both laugh. ABBEY (CONT'D) But I loved it. She kisses him back. JIM Do you want to get out of here? ABBEY Um, let me think. (Quickly) Yes. She waves goodbye to Vanessa. VANESSA (shouting) Have fun you two! FADE TO: EXT. PARK / BASEBALL FIELD - NIGHT Jim and Abbey are slow dancing in front of Jim's car. The headlights are on. The windows are rolled down. "Blackout" by Muse is playing on the radio. Abbey's head is resting on Jim's shoulder as they dance. JIM Is this a dream? ABBEY I hope not. It's too perfect. JIM That's what scares me. Something this good always ends with my mom waking me up. Abbey pinches Jim's arm. JIM (CONT'D) Oww! ABBEY (giggling) No you know you're awake. JIM You're unbelievable. There is silence. ABBEY (softly/sincerely) I'm so sorry. JIM I know. She lifts her head off his shoulder and looks him dead in the eyes. ABBEY No you don't. You haven't the slightest clue. What I did was so wrong. So stupid. I'm such a horrible person. JIM You're not horrible. You're wonderful. You just made a real bad decision. But I can see that you're sorry. ABBEY I'm beyond sorry. If there was a word more meaningful than sorry, it still wouldn't be enough to describe how I feel. JIM I believe you. ABBEY I was a wreck without you. I had those nights where I would cry myself to sleep. JIM I wasn't doing so good either. I did the best I could to get by, but it just wasn't the same without you. ABBEY Aww. JIM It's the truth. ABBEY Can I ask you something? JIM Sure. ABBEY What made you change your mind? JIM Well I'll answer your question with one of my own. Do you love me? ABBEY Totally and completely, yes. JIM Okay. Well I believe in love. I believe it's something that's so strong, so iron clad, it can't be broken. But, it can get knocked around a bit and this whole thing knocked it around a hell of a lot. But our love for each other remains intact. So that's why I'm here now, because I'm in love with you little lady. ABBEY You're so good to me. I don't deserve you. Not after what I did. JIM Let's agree on something. From this moment on we only talk about the here and now. We only discuss what's going to happen in the future, and forget about what already happened in the past. Agreed? ABBEY I love the way you think. FADE OUT. TITLE CARD: "EXECUTION DAY" INT. JIM KRAMER'S KITCHEN - MORNING Richard and Emily are at the table eating breakfast. Jim enters. EMILY Good morning sunshine. JIM Morning. RICHARD Big day today. JIM I guess. EMILY My little boy's graduating. JIM It's no big deal. RICHARD Of course it is. How many times do you get to graduate from high school? JIM Alright fine, it's important. EMILY So you better hurry up and get dressed. We don't want to be late. RICHARD (to Emily) What time are we gonna be meeting Abbey? JIM When did you talk to her? EMILY She called while you were sleeping. JIM Really? EMILY Yes. Is that a problem? JIM (hesitates) Problem? No. Of course not. Why would that be a problem? You guys talked, no big deal. INT. FILMORE PREP CAFETERIA - DAY All of the seniors are gathered in the cafeteria. They are dressed in their graduation day attire. This consists of a white blazer, white dress shirt, black pants, and a maroon bow tie. Jim, Lawrence, Harvard, and Blimp are at their spot for the final time. LAWRENCE It's so fucking hot in here. BLIMP Gee, where have I heard that before? LAWRENCE Shut up. HARVARD (looking around) So it's finally here. The end of days at Filmore. LAWRENCE Are you gonna cry about it? JIM Come on, it is kinda sad. Despite how much we hated this place. Or how much we think we hated this place. I guess that's how teenagers are programmed to think. High school equals bad. I guess that's just the way it is. But you have to admit, we did have some good times here. HARVARD I agree. LAWRENCE Whatever. BLIMP Remember that time when I snorted that line of salt. LAWRENCE And your left eye turned bloodshot. HARVARD That was bloody classic. JIM See at least there was one good moment. One where we can all laugh at another's misfortune. BLIMP I know I'm gonna miss this. HARVARD The fab four will be no more. BLIMP Sucks so much. LAWRENCE (to Jim) Speaking of things that suck, is Yoko coming today? JIM Hey she doesn't suck. LAWRENCE Well whatever floats your boat. You know we still don't like what she did to you. JIM I know. I don't like what she did either. But I love the girl, so that's the deal. HARVARD I can accept that. BLIMP Me too. Love is a strange mistress. HARVARD What? Lawrence doesn't answer. JIM (to Lawrence) Cat got your tongue? LAWRENCE No. I just like making you sweat. BLIMP But no one sweats as much as you. LAWRENCE (sarcastic) I'm really gonna miss you, with all my heart. JIM Ah a little sarcasm for old time's sake. I love it. FADE TO: EXT. FILMORE PREP FRONT LAWN - DAY The graduation ceremony is over. All of the students are scattered on the lawn exchanging pleasantries with their friends and family. LAWRENCE God that did not want to end. I mean give me the diploma and shake my fucking hand already. BLIMP What's the matter, a little too long for you? LAWRENCE Try a lot. Abbey sneaks up behind Jim and gives him a hug. ABBEY Oh my God, you guys all look like waiters. JIM Then allow me to take your order. ABBEY Um let's see, I think I'll take a kiss with a side of fries. Jim kisses her. LAWRENCE Oh here comes the vomit. ABBEY Hi Lawrence. You look a little hot. LAWRENCE Jim, control your woman. JIM I can't. She's too much of a free spirit. ABBEY Hey let me get a picture of you guys. Jim, Lawrence, Harvard, and Blimp gather together for a picture. ABBEY (CONT'D) Say cheese. They all shout in unison. ALL No! FADE TO: INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - DAY OVERHEAD TWO SHOT: JIM AND ABBEY Jim and Abbey are laying in bed. JIM What a day. ABBEY What a year. JIM (upset) Oh man. ABBEY What? JIM I forgot to thank Lawrence today. Actually, I forgot to thank him all year. ABBEY For what? JIM For dragging me to that party. It turns out that was a pretty good idea. ABBEY I should probably thank him too. Abbey kisses him on the cheek. ABBEY (CONT'D) Again and again and again. Jim stares at the ceiling. Abbey rests her head on his shoulder and closes her eyes. As time passes Jim's face becomes painted with an expression of regret. FADE TO BLACK.
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