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King Lear Written By William Shakespeare Adapted By Alex Love Characters: ? Mr. Lear ? Cordelia ? Goneril ? Regan ? Duke of Gloucester ? Edmund ? Edgar ? The Fool/Narrator ? Cornwall ? The Cop ? Servant 1 ? Servant 2 Scene 1 The Fool enters from stage left. He crosses to center where a spotlight comes on him. THE FOOL: Here, in modern-day Britain, I have a tale to tell. It is filled with love, anger, murder, and deception! It is a tale about the rich and powerful Mr. Lear and his money hungry daughters and sweet baby child. It starts on a dark and stormy night! The Fool moves to upstage right. We lightning strike. Light comes up on Mr. Lear's office. He is sitting at his desk and his daughters, Goneril, Regan, and Cordelia, are sitting in front of the desk. They are frozen. THE FOOL: The great man, Mr. Lear, is planning on retiring. He is a very successful business man who owns a great piece of land. The Fool crosses off stage pointing to the scene and saying: THE FOOL: He is planning on dividing his kingdom up. MR. LEAR: Give me that map! Cordelia hands Mr. Lear the map. MR. LEAR: As you know, I am retiring soon. I have decided to give you a piece of land that I own. GONERIL: Well thank you Daddy! As I am the oldest, I am guessing I own the land and we'll have to share it between my sisters? MR. LEAR: No! Heavens no! I am giving you all one third of my land! REGAN: But Daddy… MR. LEAR: No buts. GONERIL: But sir, I love you dearer than eyesight. Regan laughs. GONERIL(cont'd): Dearer than life! I love you as much as a child loved. MR. LEAR: A child? GONERIL: It's just a way of getting the point across. MR. LEAR: Oh. Mr. Lear rips one third of the map off and hands it to Goneril who laughs and runs off. She runs back. GONERIL: Oh thanks! You won't regret this…(Whispers)much. MR. LEAR: What was the last thing you whispered? GONERIL: Um…thanks a bunch? MR. LEAR: You're welcome! Goneril laughs and runs off. Lear hands a piece of the map to REGAN. REGAN: I am generous Daddy! Thank you so much! You are a generous and loving parent…(runs to stage left and whispers)not to mention a big dope! The Fool walks back on stage as Regan exits. THE FOOL: But little Cordelia loved her father more than words and was very grateful! CORDELIA: Words escape me. MR. LEAR: Oh. I see. In that case…GIRLS! REGAN and GONERIL come back on stage. MR. LEAR: Here! (Mr. Lear hands Regan and Goneril a half of Cordelia's piece of the map.) Since Cordelia was ungrateful! REGAN and GONERIL start to walk-off. GONERIL: Daddy is such a dumb… REGAN: GONERIL! This is a kiddie show! GONERIL:(Goneril turns to audience) Sorry! My bad! Come Regan! REGAN: Since when have I been your servant? They exit. THE FOOL: Cordelia couldn't speak her heart, not that she couldn't vomit, for she was lost for words. Lear had given up pretty much all of his kingdom, except for what belonged to his ex-wife. But if he expected them to look after him once he got sick and went poor, then he was stupider than I thought! Servants 1 and 2 set up for: Scene 2 THE FOOL(cont'd): Mr. Lear went to live with his not-so-loving daughter, Goneril! As we'd expect, she let him stay for 5 minutes before she grew tired of him. Goneril and Lear enter from stage right. GONERIL: Listen up Daddy! You have plagued my people by bringing a hundred servants and squires and they are so 5 minutes ago! My "PALACE" is like an inn with the Backstreet Boys there! People yell! People scream! It's like a bar here! Ok. I am going to calm down. THE FOOL: Someone call the cops! It's about to get messy! MR. LEAR: GONERIL! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME! GONERIL: No! You're a big dope! I am 33 and you still treat me like a baby! MR. LEAR: Oh honey woney! That hurts your little Daddy! Come here muffin! GONERIL: Hey FOOL! THE FOOL: Yes? GONERIL: Does he treat me like a baby? THE FOOL: I hate to agree with you Goneril, but yes. He does! MR. LEAR: You're fired fool! THE FOOL: You can't fire me! I am the one telling the story! MR. LEAR: How about giving me back my land? GONERIL: No way girlfriend! MR. LEAR: What? GONERIL: I feel so young. Wait, that's a good thing. MR. LEAR: Fine! I leave you! May you burn in… THE FOOL: For the fourteen thousandth time! THIS IS A KIDDIE SHOW! MR. LEAR: Right. Sorry! Fine! I leave you! May you have an unfortunate life! GONERIL: It's all ready unfortunate! It's got you in it! MR. LEAR: At least I have a sweet loving daughter named… THE FOOL:…Regan. Servants 1 and 2 change scenery for: Scene 3 THE FOOL(cont'd): He should have just broken his leg so he could stay in the hospital. REGAN walks in and LEAR is already there. REGAN: It's so great to see you Daddy! MR. LEAR: It's great to see you! Mean Goneril sent me out when it was raining! REGAN: Oh. It's not so bad! MR. LEAR: It could get worse! REGAN: How so? MR. LEAR: You could send me out into the storm like she did. REGAN: It just got worse. MR. LEAR: No! You wouldn't! REGAN: I just did! Get with the program. MR. LEAR: My land. I want it back. REGAN: Too bad. It's just I have no room for you and so I will send you back to my sister! MR. LEAR: Where is Cordelia when you need her? I will go! But not back to Goneril! Mr. Lear exits. REGAN: I never could stand ranting geezers. THE FOOL: As the storm grew deadlier, MR. LEAR went into the wild night! REGAN: Shut the doors! It's a wild night! The next thing I need is a homeless person trying to get in! SERVANT 1: It's pouring and he could die! Have you got no heart? REGAN: Yes. I do. SERVANT 2: She probably lost it. REGAN: Actually I keep it in the freezer. SERVANT 1: Figures. SERVANT 1 and REGAN exit. SERVANT 2: Geez! Regan is pretty ruthless! Not to mention stupid. And many other things I won't mention. SERVANT 1 enters and the Servants set up for: Scene 4 The SERVANTS leave and LEAR enters. Rain sounds are playing in the background. MR. LEAR: Moan! MOAN! MOOOOOOAN! MOANEY, MOANEY, MOANEY! Such a night to shut me out! REGAN! GONERIL! HAVE YOU NO HEART? The Fool comes up to Mr. Lear. THE FOOL: REGAN keeps hers in the freezer. The Fool leaves as Mr. Lear laughs. THE FOOL: There he met Edgar! Edgar was the son of the Duke of Gloust…Gloust…G-L-O-U-C-E-S-T-E-R! I do not know how to pronounce it. Edgar was disguised as a homeless bum and a madman. That was so his evil brother Edmund couldn't find him and kill him! So many sibling rivalries! EDGAR: Pillcock sat on Pillcock-hill: Hallo, halloo, loo, loo! . . . Tom's a-cold . . . Poor Tom; that eats the swimming frog, the toad, the cow-dung . . . swallows the old rat and the ditch-dog . . . Fie, foh, fum, I smell the blood of a British man! THE FOOL: Can you believe Will Shakespeare wrote that? Neither did I! Well, anyway, just then…The Duke of Gloust…gloust…well you know! The Duke arrived and didn't recognize his clever son Edgar, but did offer to rescue the old geezer. MR. LEAR: Ahem! THE FOOL: I mean Mr. Lear! DUKE: Hey! Yes! You! The one with a bowl of porridge for a brain! Where is the old geezer? MR. LEAR: I am no geezer and I am right here! DUKE: Porridge kid, bring the geezer to my castle! The Duke exits. EDGAR: That's a nice way to talk to a porridge-brain even if I wasn't pretending. If he wasn't my father, I'd probably smack him! Come along geezer! Edgar exits. MR. LEAR: If he wasn't a porridge brain I'd probably smack him! Jeez! The Servants set up for: Scene 5 THE FOOL: Enjoying my story so far? Well, let's move on! When REGAN and GONERIL heard what the Duke had done, well, they were mad of course! REGAN: I want him hanged old fashion style! GONERIL: Too cliché! I say we pluck his eyes out! Very Shakespeare-like! REGAN: Good idea! THE FOOL: There is a character I haven't mentioned yet. Evil Cornwall, Regan's husband, brought the Duke to REGAN. REGAN: You filthy traitor! How could you, you…idiot! DUKE: I am no traitor! And I was doing what I did out of the kindness of my heart! Do you not have a heart? REGAN: JEEZ! I told you all! I KEEP IT IN A FREEZER! DUH! GET A CLUE! Don't make me call Dr. Evil! I have him on speed dial! GONERIL: Calm down! CORNWALL: Ok! When comes the eye plucking? GONERIL: Go ahead! Cornwall pulls out a dagger and grabs the Duke. He pulls the Duke off stage and we hear the Duke scream. Cornwall and the Duke, now wearing sunglasses, walk back on stage. DUKE: OWWW! That was my eye! Wait…what date is it? CORNWALL: (Insert date of the show), why? DUKE: Because I always wanted a blind date! Servant 1 walks on stage laughing. CORNWALL: After that joke, I will cut out your tongue! SERVANT 1: Stop! There is no point in violence! I don't see the point of this! CORNWALL: Neither will the Duke when I rip out his other eye! SERVANT 1: Fine! SERVANT 1 pulls out a dagger. They fight. The Servant stabs Cornwall. Regan grabs a sword that was laying on the floor for some reason. She stabs the Servant. SERVANT 1: (High-pitched voice) O! I am slain! O! The Servant dies. The other servant runs out and is stabbed by REGAN. He dies. There is a blackout. A spotlight comes up on the Fool. THE FOOL: So the servants died. Cornwall plucked out the Duke's other eye. I don't know why he didn't pluck both out to begin with. The lights come up and we see Cornwall fall to the ground dead. Lights dim again and the spotlight on the Fool comes up. THE FOOL: Did I mention Cornwall died? That's 3 deaths. The Duke left and met up with Lear and Edgar, his son. The three went off to meet Cordelia who was leading a great army to defeat her sisters! There were plenty of hugs! The Duke and Edgar and Mr. Lear enter from stage left and Cordelia enters from stage right. Lear and Cordelia hug and the Duke and Edgar hug. MR. LEAR: It is great to see you again Cordelia! DUKE: This is great! Fathers reunited with their children. THE FOOL: Boo-hoo! Can we continue? CORDELIA: Right. Lear, Duke, Cordelia, and Edgar exit. THE FOOL: They went off happily. But that isn't the end of the tale! Of no! Remember Edgar had a brother? Edmund. The Servants(covered in blood) walk on like zombies and set up for: Scene 6 THE FOOL: Well, Cordelia's army decided to fight Edmund first. They lost. And sadly… Edgar runs on. EDGAR: LEAR AND CORDELIA HAVE BEEN TAKEN HOSTAGE! GET THE FBI OVER HER QUICK! Edgar runs off. Edmund enters with Lear and Cordelia. EDMUND: Officers! Take these bums away! MR. LEAR: Don't you ever call her a bum you geezer! EDMUND: You're the geezer! MR. LEAR: Of yeah? Your momma was so fat, last time she watch 90210, it was on the scale! EDMUND: How dare you! THE FOOL: Go Lear! Go Lear! It's your birthday! It's your birthday! EDMUND: SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU! Officers walk on and take Cordelia and Lear away. Black out. A spotlight comes up on the Fool. THE FOOL: Meanwhile, Goneril has poisoned Regan! Lights come up on Goneril and Regan. REGAN: O, sick I am! My sickness hath growth upon me! GONERIL: You're being too dramatic. What do you think you were doing? It's not like you're in a modern day Shakespeare play! THE FOOL: Actually, she is. GONERIL: Oh. REGAN: You poisoned me! I know it! Regan pulls out a dagger and stabs Goneril. THE FOOL: tell me next time someone is going to die! This blood is making me sick! Regan and Goneril have a painful and long death. THE FOOL: Are you dead yet? No answer. THE FOOL: Goo… Regan starts flopping. She stops. THE FOOL: Goo… Goneril starts flopping. She stops. THE FOOL: Ok! The Fool pulls out a dagger and stabs them. He then snaps and the zombie servants pull the sisters off-stage. THE FOOL: That's better! Edgar and Edmund walk on stage with daggers. The Fool screams, covers his eyes, and runs off stage. EDGAR: Time to die! EDMUND: But this is my first line! EDGAR: Is not! EDMUND: Is too! EDGAR: Is not! EDMUND: IS TOO! EDGAR: FIGHT YOU SISSY! They fight and Edgar stabs Edmund. EDGAR: I never liked you! You never let me play with your train set! EDMUND: So? EDGAR: I don't know! Edmund dies. Zombie servants walk on and set up for: Scene 7 THE FOOL: The death toll. Two servants. Cornwall. Two sisters. 1 brother. The Duke who died of a broken heart. That makes 7 dead people. O! Thy mercy blah, blah, blah! This play is so sad! I don't want to be here anymore. So many dead. Yet here's another death! Lights come up on Cordelia laying dead and Lear beside her. MR. LEAR: She has died! A prison guard as hung her! That's so cliché! I killed that slave which makes 9 dead. THE FOOL: Thanks! MR. LEAR: No problem! Time to mourn! Howl! Howl! Howl! Lear falls to the ground dead. Edgar rushes in and checks his pulse. EDGAR: He is dead. Lights start flashing and everything goes black. The curtain comes down and The Fool walks out. A spotlight comes up on him. THE FOOL: So MR. LEAR died. Lights come up as the curtain comes up. A servant walks out holding a sign saying 1547. He walks off. We see Edgar holding Lear who is wearing a robe and crown. The crown falls to the ground. EDGAR: Wait a second! He's dead! I am alive! That means…I AM KING! The entire cast comes out and Lear wakes up! They sing and do a dance about King Edgar and at the end the servants come out with a chair and put Edgar in it. The lights go out and a spotlight comes up on The Fool. THE FOOL: Edgar became King. Lights come up on Cordelia's body in modern time. Edgar comes out and grabs Cordelia. THE FOOL: A good and happy ending, but that's what I call a tragedy! The tragedy known as… Cordelia wakes up! CORDELIA: Family Feud! THE FOOL: THE END! Curtain call.
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